Title: The Great Debate

Author/psuedonym: Ramblin Rose

Pairing: J/B

Rating: NC-17

Category: PWP

Date: November 10, 2000

Series/sequel: Thankfully, no

Status: new

Archive: Sure

Disclaimer: These guys don't belong to me, never did, never will, but I can dream. Petfly doesn't like to share. They also don't pay me, darn it anyhow.

Notes: I told Lisa,(Duncan's Twin) about this idea and she insisted that I write it. So, she can be blamed along with me. Thanks to my beta, Tricia, who thought it was funny too. This was written to make Lex smile.

Warning: m/m There is not only nudity, but there is a mooning. You have to read it and see.

Summary: Blair goes to sleep and wakes up in a presidential debate. He's the moderator. What type of questions will Blair ask? What will the candidates say? Silliness abounds.

by Ramblin Rose
***

Jim was fucking Blair senseless and Blair was happy as hell to give up every brain cell he needed to. God, how Blair loved the way Jim fucked him. Everything about the man was pure sex. You looked at Jim and would get hard, even if you weren't his lover. He just had this way about him. Blair noticed that a lot of men at the station looked at him during the day with such longing and Blair was so happy that he was all his. And thankfully Jim didn't share well. So as Jim continued pounding into him, Blair screamed out, "Jim," as he came. And Jim followed not close behind.

Jim cleaned them both off and then pulled Blair into his arms for the night. Blair gladly went and fell right to sleep.

The next thing Blair knew, Jim was kissing him behind stage at the University and telling him to break a leg. Blair went out to the stage and everyone clapped. Jim was seated in the audience. Blair looked over and saw that George W. Bush, Al Gore, Pat Buchanan and Ralph Nader were all there. They were all standing behind podiums ready for the great debate. Blair realized he was the fucking monitor. Oh yeah, he could handle this. He would ask his own questions. His own views would be forced on them for a change. Yes, this would work out just fine.

Blair looked at himself in the mirror as he walked to his podium and saw he was wearing a hounds tooth jacket with leather elbow patches. This was going to be good.

Blair hit the microphone once and said, "Testing," as his voice came through loud and clear. "All right gentlemen, there are a few things to tell you ahead of time. I'm in charge. So, you only answer when I say you can and to what question that I asked. If you don't know, then don't lie. Just say you have no answer. If you're found to be lying, you'll be shocked each and every time. You're hooked up to a lie detector. You can't get out of this without telling the truth. So, are you four gentlemen ready?"

All four men answered "Yes."

Buchanan's buzzer went off. Blair said, "Sir, don't be nervous, I'm just asking if you're ready, not asking anything important yet."

"Well, Mr.. Sandburg," Pat B said, "it depends on what you think is important."

And with that said, Blair pushed the button with Pat Buchanan's name on it and watched as Mr. Buchanan jumped from the jolt.

"Now lets get back to the matters at hand." Blair said as he grabbed his notes and asked the first question.

"Mr. Gore, this question is for you." Blair started, "What are your views on the abortion issue after a rape?"

"Good question, Mr. Sandburg." Gore said.

Blair hit the jolt button and Al said, "Mr. Sandburg, I haven't even answered yet."

"Let me make it perfectly clear," Blair said, "that anyone sucking up will be jolted by the buzzer." "Now, Mr. Gore would you like to answer the question this time?"

"We feel that the government has no right in trying to tell a woman or man when they should or shouldn't have a child. Especially after rape. If I was raped, I certainly wouldn't want to carry the child for one day, let alone for nine months. We can't in all good conscience tell them that we want them to carry that child, when of course if it happened to our loved ones, or ourselves, we might not want them to have that child at all. There should be special circumstances written into this law."

"Thank you, Mr. Gore, but men don't have children." Blair said,

"Well, sure not now, but who knows what could happen in the next few years. I mean, they have male pregnancy fan fiction on the web. I've heard about it. The doctors think it could be done. So I stand by my answer."

"Very well, sir." Blair said wanting to go over and slap the man silly.

"Now, Mr. Bush, this next one is for you. How do you feel about the gun control laws that are trying to be passed?"

"Well, Mr. Sandburg, I don't feel that we need any new gun control laws. We all have a right to protect ourselves and therefore making it harder to do that could cause people to buy the guns from someone shady."

"Mr. Bush, you don't think that a lot of this is going on already?"

"No, I don't believe it is. The laws in place are good ones. We should stick with what works."

Thank you, Mr. Bush." Blair said rolling his eyes. Jim stood up and motioned for Blair to go over to the side. Excuse me gentlemen, I need to talk to someone for a moment.

"What's up Jim, I'm in the middle of a debate." Blair said trying to rush things.

"I want you to stop treating Bush like shit. He's a good man and I believe he's the best choice. So, cut him some slack babe, or I won't be cutting you anything for a long while."

"You're threatening me by withholding sex if I don't be nice to the man you're going to vote for?"

"Yes, I'm not above it, Blair. Now go up there and kick ass but on the other three." Jim said as he headed back to his seat.

"The next question is for you, Mr. Nader." Blair said, "How do you feel about prayers being put back in the school?"

"Well, it's interesting that you asked this because I'm right in the middle of writing a book on this. I want to find out how they're going to do this without offending some religion. Look how many religions there are in the US and they're going to put Prayer back in? I don't think so. Who would be the one to choose which prayer it would be? Who would be left to deal with all of the religious leaders when they start complaining? Yes, it's going to be a very good book and you'll be able to read it in about six months. But in the mean time, they don't have a fucking clue."

"Thank you, Mr. Nader for that extremely truthful answer." Blair said and then jolted himself for sucking up.

"Mr. Gore, how do you feel about the death penalty. To narrow it down a little more, how do you feel about electrocution?"

"I believe that if the state wants that as their way to end a person's life, then so be it."

Blair turned up the juice and zapped him as he said, "Now does that give you an idea of how it might feel?"

"I'll look into it after the debate." Gore said in all seriousness.

Mr. Bush, how do you feel about it?"

"Well, don't do the crime if you can't do the time I always say."

Blair seeing the juice was still up, zapped Bush and watched him jump and dance. "Having second thoughts about that one, G.W.?"

"No, I'll stick by it."

Blair zapped him again just to remind him of what they were talking about.

"Mr. Sandburg," Mr. Buchanan said before Blair could address him, "I wanted to say that I believe that if you have to have the death penalty it should be lethal injection. It's the most humane thing to do."

"Good answer, Mr. Buchanan." Blair said smiling knowing the wouldn't have to zap this man.

"Mr. Nader, how do you feel about this? And please don't tell me about how you wrote a book about this and I need to buy it and read it."

"Actually I agree with Mr. Buchanan and want to write a book about it. This gives me some ideas. I'll start taking notes now."

"Okay, gentlemen, I'm ready for more questions."

"Mr. Buchanan, how do you feel about sex education in the schools? And what grade should they start handing out free condoms."

"Very good question, Mr. Sandburg. I feel that there should be a new law passed where the teens would be fined and put in safe houses, almost like prison if they are found out to have had sex. I think sex education doesn't belong in schools. They should wait till college and learn it then. No sex before 18 would be a good jumping off point. And never ever pass out free condoms. That's like telling them to go ahead and have sex and not only that, but get them free here."

"Mr. Buchanan, you can't honestly believe that all teens will be celibate, can you?"

"Well, then maybe we should fine the parents for not knowing what their children are doing."

"Mr. Gore, this one is for you. How do you feel about slash fiction on theweb?"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Sandburg, but I'm not sure what that is." The buzzer went off and Blair jolted him and he said, "Oh all right, I read them one night. I just wanted to know what the attraction is for all of those women that write it. Tipper and I decided to check it out. But we feel like it really doesn't belong on the web. Maybe somewhere else."

Blair hit the jolt button just because Gore was an idiot.

"Mr. Bush, how do you feel about gay rights?"

"They have rights? I'm going to have to study up on this and see what we can do to get them taken away. They should have no rights. Same gender sex is evil and against nature. Why would we give them rights? It's insane to even think about this. If the gay population doesn't like it they should move to cities that will put up with their sickness and disease."

Blair looked over at Jim who was no longer clapping for Bush and as Bush looked at Jim, Jim stood turned around and pulled his pants down and mooned the man. "Now you can't say you don't find that a fine looking ass." Blair said smiling.

Mr.Bush's security folks came and hauled Jim off to the back of the stage. Where Jim was allowed to watch the proceedings, but wasn't allowed to say or do anything in front of the audience.

"What did you think, Mr. Gore? Blair asked. "Well, I was thinking that I sure hope that Tipper doesn't get a load of him because she might lose interest in me."

"Mr. Gore, what the fuck did you mean by getting a load of him? That sounds like a sexual pass at him. I would think you'd be above it."

"That's not what I meant." Gore said and the buzzer went off. Blair zapped him and Gore just glared at Blair.

"Okay, Mr. Gore, is there anything that you didn't address in your speeches in the last month or two?" Blair asked.

"Yes, Tipper and I think that block parties should come back into style. It would cut down on the drinking and driving problems everyone seems to have. They would already be home, just outside. We think that it makes a perfect amount of sense."

Blair just stared with his mouth hanging open and zapped him just because.

"Wait a minute, I didn't deserve that zap, Mr. Sandburg." Gore said with a whine in his voice.

"Mr. Gore anyone who thinks that block parties should be brought back to cut down the drunk driving problem needed to be zapped." Blair complained.

Mr. Bush raised his hand and Blair said, "What do you need Mr. Bush?" Blair asked.

"I need to use the restroom. Could I be excused?"

"Sure, but you better just be in there pissing. In fact, I'll send in your security so that we can be certain of that."

"That's fine, I'll hurry it up."

"Mr. Buchanan, do you have anything you'd like to add?" Blair asked sweetly.

"Yes, I think that certain states should have new ballot's made. Those punch out ones are sometimes hard to understand, especially if you're trying to hurry. You never know when something like that will make the difference between Gore or Bush."

"Wait a minute, Buchanan," Nader said, "why didn't you list mine or your name in that sentence?"

"I really don't see us getting anywhere," Buchanan said, "we just like to spend our money on foolish things and then try to find a way for the state or country to pay for it."

"That's not true, Buchanan." Nader yelled.

Blair zapped him for thinking we were all idiots. Nader said, "I think I might be getting a burn from these jolts you're giving me."

"Oh boo fucking hoo." Blair said. "Does anyone want to discuss anything of importance?"

As Bush came back to his podium, he said, "Yes, I'd like to say that I'd take care of this country like none of the others would. Everyone would be safe, warm, fed and happy."

Blair zapped him three times just because he was sucking up so badly. "Now Mr.. Bush, do you have anything to add to your campaign speech?"

"Yes, I just want to say that no matter what, I trust the American people to vote their conscience. No matter what I will feel like a winner."

Blair zapped him just to see if the zappers were still working and said, "Oh sorry, Mr.. Bush, that wasn't on purpose. I really felt like the American people would give me a better buzzer than this one and had to check on it to see."

Bush glared at Blair and Jim was growling behind the stage which brought the security men closer to Bush.

"Mr.. Gore, do you have anything to add?" Blair asked.

"Yes, I really want to win, but if I don't, I'll go away with dignity and grace. You won't ever have me saying I want a recount. I'm above that."

Blair zapped him just because he could see into the future and knew that was a lie.

"Mr.. Buchanan, do you have anything to add?"

"I'd like to say that I've totally enjoyed this whole debate and I found that listening to the others wasn't as bad as I had feared. I knew I wouldn't win, but I like the attention."

"Thank you, Mr.. Buchanan for telling us like it is." Blair said smiling and decided he wouldn't zap him again, because he was afraid that Buchanan was beginning to enjoy the whole thing too much.

"Mr.. Nader do you wish to add anything?"

"Why yes I do. I just want to say that I've been keeping notes and plan on writing a new book on these proceedings. I'm appalled at the way you handled things, Mr.. Sandburg. You were most unprofessional. I've been tested and am one of the smartest men in the world, so don't think that I don't see what you were trying to do with this whole debate."

Blair zapped him and said, "Okay you've forced me into telling a joke now."

"Blair Sandburg was on an airplane with Mr.. Buchanan, Mr.. Bush, Mr.. Gore and Mr.. Nader and the airplane started having problems and the pilot said, "We're going to have to jump out, but I only have five parachutes."

Mr.. Bush stood up and said, "It's been said that I'm going to be the next president, so I need to go first." Having said this he grabbed a parachute and jumped out the door."

Mr.. Gore stood up next and said, "Well, I have to go next, if he doesn't have anyone running against him, there would be no reason to have an election and we always need to have an election. America lives for the chaos." He reached over and grabbed a parachute and jumped out the opening.

Mr.. Buchanan walked over to the parachutes and said, "Well, I believe that I should go next. The country relies on me for moral and religious guidance." He strapped on his parachute and jumped out.

Mr.. Nader walked to the doorway and said, "Well, I'm next, I've been called one of the smartest men in the world. The country relies on my books and stories to spread the knowledge." He strapped on his parachute and out the door he went.

Blair looked at the pilot and said, "You know what? I've lived a really great life. I found the love of my life and I got to spend time with all of these idiots. Who could ask for more? So, you take the last parachute and go."

Handing a parachute to Blair the pilot said, "We both get to go, the smartest man in the world just jumped out of the airplane wearing your backpack."

The crowd went wild and Blair zapped all of the men for not laughing. They had no sense of humor. He continued zapping them, until he heard Jim calling him.

"Chief, chief, come on, wake up. You're having some weird assed dream." Jim said holding Blair close.

"Oh man, you won't believe what my dream was about?" Blair said.

"So was it a good one?"

"Lets just say, that is was one of the best I've ever had. And you James Ellison mooned G.W. Bush."

"No way, why would I moon him?"

"Because he said he wanted to take away all rights of the gays."

"Well, I would hate to think that I had to moon him, couldn't I have just voted for someone else?"

Hey Jim, it was my dream. And I loved how they all drooled seeing your ass, knowing that they could never have what I do."

"You are such a romantic, Chief. Even in your dreams. Now go back to sleep."

"Night Jim."

"Hail to the Chief."

The end.