The Gift of his Submission

by Castalie

Category: Drama, Romance

Rating: PG

Warnings: Other: see story notes

Pairing: Jim/Blair

Summary: Jim's thoughts after a case.

Everyone knows they're not mine even if I'd really *really* want them to be !! The Sentinel and its characters belong to UPN and Pet Fly Productions. I still can play with them though. Oh yeah and I'm not making any money with this work so no need to sue me, thank you very much <g>

I'm not English so please be gentle, ok ? My wonderful Beta Reader has made a great job (as usual) but should there be some mistakes. It's my fault. Now, Terri. THANK YOU !! You're the best Beta Reader ever !!!!!!!!!!! You're just brilliant and I want everybody to know it !!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't know really. No sex on screen, talk about a BDSM relationship. A safe, sane and consensual BDSM relationship, as it should be.

The Gift of his Submission
By Castalie

As I watch him sleep, I can't help thinking about our last case. I know I shouldn't taint our bed with this kind of thought and if he was awake he would tell me to let things go and to process everything later, then he would give me one of those smiles, kneel before me and give himself to me to do with as I wish. He would make me forget like no one else ever could. He has that power. I watch him, sprawled on his belly in the middle of the bed, he may be on the short side but my love knows how to take room... be it in my heart, my life or my bed. The sheets are at his waist but I can see a little of his left thigh... like a bit of temptation teasing me. I put my hand over the small of his back but don't touch him. I let my hand hover just above him. I can feel the heat of his body. I go up and caress the air along his spine. I don't stop at his neck, not yet. His neck is always the last. No, now I'm lightly stroking his hair; his short hair. He had it cut when he became a cop. Said it was a renewal thing, a rebirth of some kind. I was devastated. To me it was more like the old Blair was dead. As if his hair had been the embodiment of his essence, of what made Blair the man he was. The sum of his whole life in a way. My lover had just smiled at me, sat on my lap and whispered to me that I was his whole life, I was what made him the man he was. This night, I fell in love with him all over again. The day after, I went and bought him the gift he's been wanting for several months. I gave him the black collar, the symbol of our love, the seal of our relationship. I don't think I'll ever forget the joy on his face when I gave him my present. His hands shook so much I had to take the collar from him. I didn't want him to put it on himself anyway; it was my role, my privilege. It was perfect; it fit him like a second skin. Then he laughed and told me his short hair would allow me to see the collar every time I looked at him and I must admit the thought pleased me to no end.

Blair whimpers in his sleep and I bend to his ear and soothe him. He settles and buries his head even more in my pillow. If he keeps on he's going to lie right on my body... I wouldn't mind a bit of course. I resume my light exploration of him. I stroke his short curls a little more, I love the silky feeling on my hand. His hair makes him look younger, even more youthful... it seemed to upset him a little at first, until I told him I loved it. It reminded me that even though he was now a detective, my official partner, he still had this youthful look of before, he still was the Blair of before... a reminder of the time when he didn't have to directly face the horrors of my job, when he still had a choice. I sometimes wonder if I could make him quit. If I told him I didn't want him to be a cop any more, that it tears my heart apart... I'm sure he would try to find another solution. Not because I told him to, but because he always wants to make me happy above everything else.
I look at the black collar on his neck now... I touch it lightly, butterfly touches. He wears it as soon as we come back home...as soon as we're alone. If he could he would always keep it on him but I don't want to risk someone seeing it. We shouldn't care about the reactions of others, we shouldn't but I don't want ignorant people to debase what we have and I know it would happen if we have to justify ourselves. I already knew that but our last case proved it without any trace of a doubt. The looks and whispers that I saw and overheard as we investigated "Le Cercle", a distinguished BDSM Club in Cascade crushed me but weren't a surprise. I could feel Blair, pressing into me as he listened to the insulting comments of our fellow cops. I could see him stroking his bare neck at the edge of my vision. I was afraid to look at him, afraid of what I was going to see, as if he was suddenly going to realise the wrongness of our relationship. I should have known better though. I finally looked at him and he smiled at me, the smile I'm the only one to know, then he put his hand on my arm and made the hand signal saying "Yours", I smiled in return and -to everyone who could see- casually pat his shoulder and answered with my own hand signal "Mine". It was something we had decided after watching a program about deaf people. He said it would be great if we had a secret way of communicating. The thought made me smile, after all, he just had to whisper and I would hear him, no matter what, but he insisted and told me that he wanted something he could feel too. Blair wanted us to be able to express our love no matter the place and the time and since we couldn't kiss or even hold hands in public, he wanted us to have a way to have physical contact without risking offence to anyone. We have decided on a dozen hand signals so far and it's great being able to tell my lover that I love him or that I want him, that he is beautiful without everyone knowing... It gives me a sense of freedom being able to say all this to him... One of my favourite signals, apart from "I love you" of course, is "Mine". I use it on a regular basis; I need to say that to him. I need him to know without any doubt that he belongs to me. It's a feeling so intense, I just cannot not tell him. He always answers immediately to me. As much as I want him to be mine, he needs to be as well.

That night at the Club, I felt angry... Angry at those ignorant men and women who didn't understand the gift submission really is. Angry at the insulting comments they said, the debasing words they used. I wanted to yell at them, to explain how wonderful seeing someone submit to you really is. They thought it was sick, perverted. They said they couldn't understand how someone could accept to be treated as a possession, as a slave. They asked how someone could respect themselves and accept this kind of relationship. They laughed and said only someone weak and with no self-esteem could. I felt like punching someone. How dare they? Ignorance was a real plague and I couldn't bear being infected by theirs. I took Blair with me and left. I'll deal with Simon later but I couldn't stand being in the same room as those morons. I'll explain to him that we really need to have more tolerant people while investigating such delicate matters. I know he'll understand.

When we were home, Blair put on his collar and went straight to our bedroom. I could hear him undressing. He knelt at the end of the bed and waited for me. His heartbeat calm and steady.
He knew what I needed without me telling him anything. He just knows, always.
What I needed was to reaffirm our relationship, to forget the hurtful comments of a bunch of ignorant people, to reaffirm the beauty of what Blair and I had...As I played with Blair's body, as I teased and touched, as I did with him as I wanted, I couldn't help but wonder why people couldn't see how beautiful it was. How they could confuse his submission with sickness and perversion. Blair at my feet was the most perfect vision I could see, Blair on his knees was the most beautiful gift he could offer me. How they could confuse his submission with weakness was beyond me. Only someone as strong as Blair could give up control to me as he did so willingly, only someone as strong as he was could submit so freely and generously. Yes, it was beautiful. As I made love to him that night, quick and hard and then long and slow, I felt sorry for them... To think our relationship was only one-sided was sad indeed. They didn't understand anything... not a single thing. It was an exchange. I didn't take from Blair, we gave to each other. It was a give/take relationship, as every relationship should be. Ours was no different than any others. Maybe more intense in certain way... and even that, I wasn't sure... it was just different. Blair offers me his love, his submission, his trust. I offer him my love, my protection and the respect he deserves for such an act. I protect him and love him and cherish him, as is my role as his Top but most of all, as his lover. He is mine to do as I wish and by relinquishing control in such a way, he gave me one of the biggest responsibilities a man could have. I have to be worthy of his trust every day; I have to be worthy of such a gift. Yes, that night, as I pushed Blair into subspace as far as I could, I felt sorry for all those people who couldn't see the beauty of it. Sorry for them and even happier for me to have such a wonderful man in my life.

I bend over his sleeping face and kiss the cheek that isn't buried in my pillow. Then I kiss his neck, just above the collar, I love the mix of his smell and of the leather... A combination that always turn me on but I don't want to wake him up so I just nuzzle his ear lightly and settle on my side of the bed... or what was left of my side. I just spoon around the love of my life and kiss his body once more... I never could resist him, sleeping or awake, he is an addiction...one I never want to be cured of. I focus on the feel of him and feel myself beginning to drift off. My last thought is a sense of happiness and peace... I know I will spend the rest of my life loving him and thanking him for the gift of his submission... thanking him for the joy he brings to my life...

Fin