Title: The Flip Side

Author/pseudonym: Kel

Fandom: The Sentinel

Pairing: Jim Ellison/Blair Sandburg

Rating: G

Status: new/complete

Archive: Yes please

Series/Sequel: Sequel to/concurrent with The First Stand

The Flip Side
by Kelly

"I might need you to hold me tonight…
I need you to say it's all right…"
--"Hold Me," Savage Garden; Album: Affirmation

"I never do this but if I don't, I'll go crazy... Sandburg usually keeps my thoughts for me but these things I can't tell him, he's not here and I can't keep them inside any longer."

Jim looked down at the words he'd just written. For the first time in his life, he was keeping a log of his thoughts. He couldn't help it; Blair usually kept all of his thoughts and regurgitated them when the time was right, but now, he didn't have that option, and the feelings were dying to come out.

"I hope he found the note. I couldn't face him, couldn't tell him to his face that I was leaving; God, please don't let him think I deserted him, he just doesn't know… doesn't know how much I need him, doesn't know how much I've done… what I've done… he just doesn't know. Please don't let him realize that he deserves better than me."

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Day Two

I tried twenty times to call him. I just couldn't. My fingers wouldn't dial-- I just sat there staring at the cell phone in my hand and knowing I couldn't call him and couldn't bear hearing his voice. Not after the note, God, he must hate me for that. I didn't even sign my name to it. At least it's quiet here; but it's too much time to think. Too much time to remember.

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Day Three

Blair… he's all I could think about today. I must have opened my mouth fifty times to talk to you, Blair, but you weren't here. All the things I've remembered, gone over and over in my head, and I couldn't get you out of my mind. Every time I fired my M-16 and mowed someone down, there you were over my shoulder. Every time I received an order to kill, there you were, over my shoulder. Do you know how many innocent lives, Chief? I don't; I can't count, I can't remember. And if I told you the half of it, would you hate me? Hate me because of the senseless waste of human lives? Or hate me because blind obedience to orders brought me to do some things that I'm not proud of? It's not what a Sentinel is, Chief, a Sentinel doesn't shoot his enemy sight unseen, he finds out what the threat is and how to deal with it; I never did that. Incacha, he taught me that, and I've never been able to forgive myself for all the things I destroyed. I'm not proud of what I did, Blair, but can you forgive me? I can't bear to lose you; it's like finding you and loving you is a way of reminding me of who I am, a human being, a Sentinel, protecting his tribe and his city. I need you to keep me alive, Chief."

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Day Five

Blair, do you know what hell it is to be without you? I wrote you yesterday, that I was coming home on Friday. It seems forever since I left and came here, and everything is so much more acute without you here. The air seems heavy and stale, the colors I see sharp in visuals but dull in tone, like there's a bright light missing from my life. I feel every molecule of dust crawling along my skin when the wind blows, I feel every hair on my body rising when I get cold. I hear every thud of my heart and I can't stand hearing just one beat anymore; I need your heart with mine, Chief. I need your heart with mine to remind me that I still have you… to remind me I'm not alone. I've been alone too long, Blair, been alone ever since I was a kid and I'm so tired, Chief, so tired of being alone all the time. You give me something, Blair, something that I never thought I'd ever have and that's love… you love me, no matter who I am, what I've done, and I can be myself. I don't have to hide my abilities anymore; I did when I was a kid and I couldn't understand why I had to. Then I had to fight with Steven to get anywhere with my old man and it wasn't worth it anymore. Then when I joined the army… you find buddies there but you don't find love, and I didn't know I needed it until I met you. When I met you and when you gave it to me, the missing thing in my puzzle came into place and I've never been more complete. I came here to find out if I could live without you, and now I know the answer to that; I can't. I know I can't live without you, Chief, but I can't keep these things from you anymore either. I just hope that what I tell you doesn't drive you away.

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Day Seven

I hope you got my letter, Chief… I honestly don't know if you'll be there for me when I get home on Friday or not. I pray that you are; if you're not I don't know what I will do. Hunt you down, beg your forgiveness… promise you the world if only you'll forgive me and let me stay with you. I shouldn't have left you like that, Blair, I know I shouldn't have, but the thought of seeing your face as I hurt you, I couldn't bear that. So I left without you there, left without seeing you… left without saying goodbye. If I stayed to say goodbye, I would never have left and I'd have destroyed us both. Destroyed us just like I destroyed my family, destroyed my unit in Peru… destroyed everything else that ever meant anything to me. I couldn't take that chance with you, Chief… I've decided that when I get back on Friday, I'm coming clean with you. I know it means the end of everything, but you need to know the truth, need to know why I left and why I couldn't stand the thought of being around you sometimes when I thought about the horrible things I've done. I'm not a good person, Chief… I try to be, but I'm just as rotten as the next guy. I was a miserable kid, I drove my mother away and my father to put a wedge between me and my brother. I was a good little soldier, following orders and destroying things without thinking twice, and now I'm a Sentinel who'd drop a guy into the sewer if he didn't have his Guide to ground him. You'll finally get to see the real me, Chief… I just hope you don't run screaming into the night.

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Friday

You know where I am, Chief? Sitting in the truck in the parking lot of the restaurant across the street from the loft, trying to sort through the sights and the sounds to see if I can find you inside. I know you're there; I can smell the burnt oil of the damn Volvo you still didn't get fixed; I don't care if it is a classic, if you are still speaking to me, I'll pay to get the entire fuel and oil lines replaced! I keep searching for the beat of your heart; I know it's there, I know what it sounds like but I can't cut through all the noise, there's just too much of it. The same with your scent; I know it as well as I know my own and I cannot find it through everything else. I'm watching the window, hoping to see a flash of you walking by but I haven't yet. I want to see you, Chief, see you before I walk up those stairs and open the door to an empty loft.

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Friday Night

As soon as I saw you standing in the doorway, Chief, I would have cried if I could have. But I couldn't I couldn't do anything but wrap my arms around your waist and ask you to forgive me before you could change your mind and walk out on me. I was so afraid that's what I'd interrupted, with you standing in the doorway like that, but when you kissed my face and said of course I forgive you, Jim, it made me feel so alive again. It was like all my senses came alive again, all at once; all I could see was you, smell was you, hear was you, taste was you, touch was you. Your face, your scent, your heartbeat which meant I wasn't alone anymore, the warmth of your skin against mine as you held my hand, the taste of your scent as I felt you touching me. I could TASTE you, Chief, even though I hadn't really kissed you. Or maybe I was just remembering your taste.

And I told you everything, Chief, and the forgiveness in your eyes and in your voice when you told me you didn't care; what I had done was the past and it was forgiven, that meant more to me than I can say. Far more to me. Of course I didn't say anything, I never do, but I could tell by the look on your face that you knew. And you forgave me for that too, forgave me for not speaking. So much in my world for you to accept, Blair, and you do it without question for my sake. I don't know how I was so lucky to ever find you, Blair Sandburg, but I will fight to my death to keep you.

Maybe one day, I'll show you this, so you know why I had to go. So you'll understand better why I couldn't stay and why I needed to know these things for myself. I know he'll never ask me again what went on in my head while I was gone, and for me to offer it to him would mean the world to him, I know. Maybe one day.

Author's Note: The entire refrain from "Hold Me"
"I might need you to hold me tonight
I might need you to say it's all right
I might need you to make the first stand
Because tonight I'm finding it hard to be your man."

END