"Sandburg?"

"Ellison. I need your attention here." The striking black man several yards behind him growled into his ear via the headsets both men wore. Squinting against the mid-afternoon sun, the man being admonished acknowledged the command with a quick glance then turned back to what had caught his attention.

Extending his remarkable vision to give him a clearer view of the front of a brownstone a block or two away, Jim Ellison thought at first that he'd made a simple mistake. It had been the stress of his current case that had made him think it was his partner kissing another man on the front steps of the apartment house. The similar length and style of hair and seemingly familiar jacket had caused him to wonder for a moment, proving even his incredible eyes could be
fooled.

When the "female" of the pair turned toward him, however, Ellison's world turned upside down and his stomach and mind went with it.

"Jim! Here! Police work, remember?"

"Yeah.... yes, Captain. I copy."

Pushing aside his churning emotions, Jim focused on the task at hand, trying not to think about the moments after he got home.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

When Jim returned that evening to the apartment he shared with Blair Sandburg, his roommate was doing the breakfast dishes and humming a soft, off-key tune, occasionally throwing out a word or two of the lyrics.

Ellison had been out of work since two hours before and had spent the extra time driving and debating with himself about whether or not to broach the subject of what he had seen earlier that day. He finally reached the conclusion that, as emotionally and personally connected as they were, Blair would know something was wrong and drag it out of him anyway, so it might be in the best interests of both to get it out in the open. Unfortunately, the quiet, rational discussion
Ellison had envisioned devolved into the worst fight they had ever had.

"Hey, Chief. How was school today?"

"Fine. Exhausting, but fine. I had back-to-back classes this afternoon. I'm so wrung out tonight, I hope it's okay if we order in. Doesn't matter what, just so I don't have to cook it."

"Yeah, that's okay. Classes, huh? I coulda sworn I saw you on Harrison Street about three-thirty. Guess I was wrong."

Instantly, Blair's hands stilled. The muscles in his back and shoulders tightened so abruptly, Jim kicked himself for phrasing his inquiry the way he had.

{He's not a perp sitting in the station handcuffed to a chair! I swore no accusing, no interrogating.... damn I hope I can turn this around...}

"Harrison? What would I have been doing all the way over there when the University's on the other end of town?"

"I said it wasn't you. I was wrong, no big deal. Chinese okay with you? I could do Japanese, but no Thai. My stomach's already in knots from work today..."

Slowly, Blair dried his hands on a nearby towel and turned to look at his best friend. His next words dropped Jim's stomach into his shoes.

"It... it could be a very big deal, Jim. I need to know what you were getting at.... I need to know if anyone else...."

For several seconds, Jim was silent, but when he spoke, ugly words and uglier emotions that he never intended Blair to experience snuck into his tone.

"I'm the only one who knows. Damn.... it *was* you. All this time.... you've been lying to me."

"What do you want me to say? I can't change anything now... even if I wanted to."

"You lied to me."

"No. I never lied. Not once...."

"You never told the truth, either. I could have handled anything if you'd just told me what was going on."

"Yeah right, Mr. He-man. The way you're reacting right now.... there's your answer to why I didn't tell you." Blair responded bitterly. "You've been home, what, twenty minutes and you haven't come near me. If I walk toward you would you suddenly realize you have somewhere else to be?"

"I'm in shock, here, Sandburg. Give me time."

"Right. Time to figure out the kindest way to kick me out of the loft, time to spread it all over Cascade P.D. that your partner's a...."

"Don't. Whatever crass, ugly word you were about to say, shove it back down your throat and keep it there. Number one; you don't have to leave unless you want to. Number two; I'm not telling anybody."

"Why not? I'm sure they all feel the same way. You and Simon can have a good laugh about it.... `Blair we hardly knew ye....' "

"Look, just stop it! How can you know how I feel when I don't even...."

{Damn.... did it again. I'm so mad and confused I don't know half of what I'm saying....}

"See? There it is. Right there." Blair laughed, though there was no joy in the sound at all. Gingerly, struggling not to display his anger or his pain outright, Blair turned and placed the last clean dish in the drainer. After a moment, his gaze shifted to the corner compartment holding the utensils and the knives captured his focus, their surfaces slightly fogged from the heat of the water he'd used, moisture beaded on their honed edges. An anguished voice whispered harshly from a dark place within himself, telling him that he and Ellison were a fair distance apart.... far enough that if he snatched up one of the blades that were so fascinating him.... if he ran for his room Jim would never reach him in time.... he'd never have to face the humiliation.... Jim would never know the remainder of his secret....

Abruptly, strong hands pinned the younger man's arms to his body, reining in his left hand that, unknown to Blair, had already stretched halfway to where the knives waited.

"Are you nuts?! Get in here!" Ellison roared, carrying his sobbing, distraught best friend bodily into the living room and tossing him onto the couch. "What the hell was that all about?"

"I don't know.... maybe.... maybe I'd rather die than live knowing you hate me..."

"Hate you? Ahhh, Sandburg...."

Dropping to the sofa beside his partner, Jim swiped a hand up over his forehead and through his closely shorn hair. "Chief... we've both pulled the other's butt out of the flames more times than I can count. Neither one of us would be here right now if it weren't for the other. If you can find the strength to survive an elevator bomb and a near-lethal dose of Golden and I can get past all the shit my Sentinel abilities have dumped on me.... what makes you think that the two of us can't work through this together?"

"You don't understand. We've always been really honest with each other. As long as you didn't know about any of this.... about my thoughts and my feelings..... it wouldn't come between us...."

"Nothing will ever come between us unless we let it, Sandburg. After I've had a while to process this...."

"No! You don't get it!" Blair screamed, leaping from the sofa when Jim reached out to lay an easy hand on his shoulder "Don't touch me... please... just don't...."

"Blair. What's up? You're right. I don't get this. I told you we can get through anything together...."

"We're not together! We never will be together, not the way.... oh shit. No..."

The last words groaned under his breath as tears began to pour down his face, Blair turned and stumbled away from Jim, racing to his bedroom and locking himself inside.

Jim rose to follow, fearing his partner would try a second time to hurt himself, but the truth of Sandburg's departing statement hit him just then, impacting with enough weight that Jim was forced to sit back down.

{Oh God.... he was... he meant...}

Confusion and sadness fogging him in, Jim knew he wouldn't be able to really manage his feelings and thoughts that night so he gave up thinking in favor of bed. After securing everything in the kitchen he thought Blair might possibly use to injure himself, Ellison moved up the stairs to his own room, sure he would find no peaceful sleep that night.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

The following morning, Blair rose far earlier than his normal time, desiring an hour or two to himself before having to face Jim. After suffering several brief crying jags over the course of the night, facing his reflection in the mirror was much worse. A sinkful of cold water to splash on his sticky, flushed face followed by a dose of eye drops for each side and he felt the outer shell was at least somewhat recognizable as Blair Sandburg, though he knew the inner man would never be quite the same.

He was still grasping the bottle of eye solution, staring himself down, when Jim entered, dropped a hand on his shoulder and scared the younger man out of his slippers.

"Man, I was lookin' right in the mirror and I never saw you comin'. What are you, a vampire?"

"Sorry, Chief. Morning."

"Yeah, I guess it is. How come you aren't still asleep?"

"Didn't get much last night. Between my mind racing and worrying every time you started to cry again...."

"Damn, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to keep you awake. Look, a lot of my stuff I can get moved out today, but the more delicate things may take a few days...."

"I thought we covered this, Sandburg. You don't have to go anywhere unless it's what you really want to do. Is it?"

Jim locked eyes with Blair in the mirror, and both were silent for a long stretch of minutes. Blair finally broke the stalemate.

"No. You know it isn't. At least... you do now. I never wanted to tell you about me.... never wanted you to find out.... I was so sure if you knew... knew all of it, you'd toss me out on my
ass before I could blink."

"Before you Tiggered into my life, if I'd discovered this about a friend, that's exactly what I would have done. Now.... I'm better than I was, thanks to you. Seeing you outside that brownstone.... it felt like an A-bomb had dropped on my head. I told you I just needed time. I've decided I'm flattered. It's just more proof of how close we've gotten. I need that closeness, Chief. You saved my sanity, you showed me what I was meant to do with this amazing power I have. It's okay. We're okay."

"I can't believe.... I'm really sorry about last night. I was devastated. I thought I'd lost my best friend forever.... all because I couldn't be straight with you about how I felt.... who I am."

"Apparently, you can't be *straight* with anybody. Joke? Funny, ha-ha?" Jim chuckled, ruffling the other's hair quickly. "Hey, instead of choking the eye drops to death, save some for me, will ya?"

Blair looked down and discovered he was still gripping the bottle tightly.

"Yeah. Yeah, sure. Is it my turn to make breakfast?"

"It oughta be, but I'll handle it. Take your time showerin' and stuff. It's way early yet. What kind of tea do you want?"

"Lemme think. Extra energy, focus, emotional stability.... the mandarin orange-ginger-jasmine blend should do it."

"You got it."

"Jim.... thanks."

"I didn't do anything. Hey, if we're both ready early, we might as well go in to the station early. I could catch up on some paperwork and Rafe's been buggin' you about another computer lesson."

"The station. Another good joke."

"What? I told you I won't breathe a word to anyone."

"And I trust that promise. It's just.... wanting you... I've denied it to myself for so long.... saying it out loud, hearing my voice say the words made me face it. Now my mind's accepted the idea that you won't knock me unconscious if I just *think* about.... someone could catch me looking at you.... in an unguarded moment. I need a few days to be sure I'm under control. Tell Simon I got hit with a nasty virus or something."

"But you are comin' back, right? I'm not losin' my partner."

"At some point I'll be back. Just not... now."

"Good. Omelets okay with you?"

"Western?"

"If we have the stuff, it's fine with me."

"I bought ham yesterday and I know the veggies are there."

As he chopped ingredients and mixed everything with beaten egg, Jim tried to let his mind drift, but it kept returning to the previous days revelations and the fact that, despite what he'd told Blair only a few minutes before, there were still things his stunned, macho brain couldn't get a grip on.

He let the egg mixture flow into the heated frying pan, stuck the bowl in the sink and moved off to make an `I feel generally crappy. No, I can't really explain it.' call to Simon Banks that would get him the day to himself to spend driving and thinking.

{Let Sandburg think I went to work. It's easier that way.} Jim told himself, returning to the slowly cooking eggs. {After all the reassurances I just gave him, he doesn't have to know the truth. I just need a few more hours.... quiet, nobody-bawlin'-their-eyes-out hours to sort through my feelings. I mean, how can he ever believe we really will be alright after this.... unless I know for sure that *I'm* alright? Simon actually sounded happy that I called. He is always pushin' me to take a day off....}

As the sounds of Blair shaving drifted to his ears, Jim pulled back from sober thoughts and refocused on breakfast. Stepping to the refrigerator, he drew out juice and bread and pre-cooked sausage from the freezer compartment and quickly threw together the remainder of their breakfast. By the time Blair emerged, Jim had everything laid out on the table, a genuine smile on his face and several prepared topics of conversation that had nothing to do with anything remotely upsetting.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

When he returned home that afternoon, an hour or so early, Jim found no immediate sign of his roommate. Dialing up his hearing just a little, he detected faint music in the other man's bedroom and realized Blair was relaxing with his headphones on, as had become his habit when he had enough spare time to make it worthwhile. Walking across the kitchen, Jim knocked firmly on the frame of the open door then waited for Blair to realize someone was there.

"Jim."

Blair swiftly sat up, slipped off the headphones and swung his legs over the edge of the bed.

"Hey. Have a good day?"

"Yeah. Too quiet, but.... I called in sick, they got someone to cover my classes. I couldn't face the world today. Paranoia was running rampant. How come you're home early?"

"Simon insisted. He said I looked like hell and my mind wasn't there so I might as well be wherever it was."

"Sounds like him. I can get dinner started if you're hungry...."

"Nah. Not right now. We need to... air some things out. Come out to the living room?" he suggested, turning away.

Blair nodded awkwardly and rose to follow Jim, despite uncertainty and a knawing fear over what his partner and best friend might have to say.

"Look, Jim, if you've changed you mind about me staying...."

"Not in a million years. It's not that. It's just.... I want to get everything out in the open. I need to hear the whole truth."

"How whole do you wanna go?" Blair asked him gravely, dropping into an armchair across from the sofa where Jim had perched.

"It's up to you, I guess. I realized driving home that I can't work out my feelings once and for all.... without knowing your side of things."

Blair produced a tiny smile and a chuckle then began to speak haltingly, his eyes never leaving the floor.

"My side.... Huh. Let's see. I haven't had a relationship.... oh, in about a year and a half that's lasted more than three months. What you saw yesterday... was the hardest goodbye I've ever had to say. Jesse and I have so much in common. We could talk for hours... about anything."

"So why'd it end?"

"He wasn't you. None of them... are you. Over the past eighteen months I've been subconsciously sabotaging every relationship that had any potential.... because I'm mooning over something... someone I can never have.... you know what? I'm starting to think packing my stuff and leaving was a really good idea...." Blair said, rising from his chair.

"Stop. Just... a little longer, okay? I know that isn't all of it. Tell me."

"Jim...."

"I need to hear it, you need to say it. Tell me."

Finally meeting his partner's eyes, Blair walked back to his bedroom and returned holding three small journals.

"Here." He said, offering the books to Jim. "Every word on every page is for you.... about you really."

"What's on the pages?" Ellison asked, using one thumb to trace the raised design on the cover of the top volume, his eyes following the movement.

"Me. The `don't say it, don't go there' stuff..... Fantasies, ideas, things I'd try if the situation were..... see? I can't keep doing this to myself! So help me God, if I don't get outta here, I'm gonna go insane..." Blair cried, reaching for the books. Jim pulled away and refused to relinquish them.

"No. Let me read it. Give me twenty-four hours."

"Trust me, Jim, you don't want to..."

"You just said this is you, right? Who you really are? The part of yourself you've been hiding from me for four years?"

"Yeah. You could say that."

Rising, Jim tucked the books into his elbow.

"Then I do want to read it. I have to. Will you give me the time I asked for? I won't force you..."

"You're serious."

"Dead."

"I guess.... okay. Wait. You've got work, I've got school...."

"They already think you're sick. One more day won't destroy your academic career. I can squeeze some time off out of Simon."

"Twenty-four hours. That's it."

"That's all I asked for. By dinner-time tomorrow I should know enough to have figured things out in my head.... and know what I want to do."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean? Jim?"

The older man didn't respond. He turned and moved up the stairs to his bedroom, taking the journals with him and leaving his partner confused and saddened. Blair slowly pivoted and moved off to the kitchen to find something to eat, terrified that another day would only see the disintegration of his world as he knew it; terrified that, on top of acknowledging that he would never receive all he might desire from his partner, he might soon have to face not having him in his life at all.

FRIDAY NIGHT/ SATURDAY

Through that night and a large portion of the following day Jim isolated himself in his room, paging slowly through Blair's journals, stopping only for food and bathroom breaks and once to gain relief when the printed words stimulated him beyond shame or any fear of being caught. At first he was stunned by the tenderness, devotion and adoration that so clearly ran through every word, but after a few hours Blair's desire and passion began to shine through just as brightly.

As afternoon faded into early evening, Jim finally emerged from his self-imposed cocoon and moved down the stairs to the main floor of the loft, bringing the books with him. He discovered Blair napping trustingly on the couch, his back to the room. Dropping to sit on the coffee table, he tried to wake him as gently as possible but managed to startle him regardless.

"Sorry, Chief. Just wanted to return these."

Knowing, feeling the expectancy and hope Jim would see in his eyes and fearing the disdain and pity he would find in Jim's, Blair refused to turn and face the other man.

"Just leave them on the table."

"Look at me. Please turn over and look at me."

"I can't."

"Why?"

"Terror. Pure, unadulterated terror."

"You're scared of me?"

"No. Me. What's in those journals... last night I half convinced myself this might turn out alright.... I told myself it was better if you knew.... now I just want this all to go away."

"It's not going to. C'mon, Chief. You had to know I'd find out someday."

"No! I worked so hard at keeping you in the dark... if I had the power I'd strip these last two days out of your memory. Just tell me... we're still friends.... and that it can at least be something close to what it was before."

Laying an easy hand in the center of Blair's trembling back, Jim responded quietly, forced to exert considerable effort to control his own shaking.

"We're still friends.... and I think it can be better than before."

To Jim's surprise, Blair recoiled from his touch again, bolting up and moving swiftly down the couch.

"No! That wasn't why I let you read....My intention..."

"I know."

"No, you don't. Whatever you're thinking is never gonna happen! I'm glad you accept me and what I wrote in those books, but they're just fantasies and they're staying in my head where they
belong."

"That's not what these pages say you want." Jim countered, gesturing with one of the books.

"I want? Oh, no. This is about you. You can't afford to get anywhere near this. If anything happened you'd regret it for the rest of your life and my guilt would build this wall between us that would kill any friendship we might have left after this fiasco. I can't believe I was so stupid. My cardinal rule has always been absolutely no PDA's, but the look in his eyes when he asked me for a last kiss...."

"Chief! Halt! You're talking this to death like you do everything. I decided. It's not like you pressured me into..."

He tried to go on, to say `into making love to you', but when the thought entered his head, Jim blushed heavily, his lips thinned and he stared at the floor, unable to force the words out of his mouth.

"Look at you, Jim. You can't even say it. What makes you think you want to do it?"

"I read every word in all three of these books, Chief; some of `em twice. I couldn't stop.... I just sat there on my bed and I kept readin' until.... until I couldn't stand it anymore and I had to..... let's just say the sheets are a mess, but the book survived. You really write one hell of a fantasy, Sandburg."

Silent, somber, Blair gazed deeply into his partner's eyes, seeming to be searching for something, then rose and returned the journals to his room. When he appeared again he moved through the living room and straight up the stairs, spending several minutes in Jim's bedroom before descending again to reclaim the spot on the sofa directly across from his roommate.

"Just because you read `Peter Pan' doesn't mean you're ready to fight Captain Hook."

"What do I have to do? How can I prove it to you?"

"First? Talk to me. Like I said before, if you can't say it, you aren't ready to hear it from me and you damn sure aren't ready to do it. Feel up to answering a few questions?"

"Absolutely."

"Okay. Three rules. I want the real words, no euphemisms and no technical terms. I want your first reaction, not an answer you have to think about. I want the truth. Any serious hesitation, any kiddie words, any obvious lies and I walk and I don't just mean away from this conversation. We agreed?"

"Yeah. Ask already."

"Close your eyes and pay attention."

As soon as Jim's eyes slipped shut, Blair placed a hand in his partner's lap. "What is this to you? What do you call it?"

"My prick."

"Good start. When you caress your prick what happens?"

"What is this, a high school sex ed class?"

"Do you want me to leave?"

"C'mon. I can't make a joke?"

"If that's what this means to you, fine....."

"Wait! Okay... when I touch my prick.... it gets hard."

"And then?"

"I move my hand faster and faster until I... I come."

"Better. How many times can you normally come before you soften?"

"Jeez, Sandburg..."

"Strike two. One more and I'm gone. Answer the question."

"I don't know. Seven, maybe eight. More if I'm not tired or it's been a while since I made love."

"Has it?"

"What, been a while? Yeah."

"Weeks?"

"More like a couple months."

"How long is your prick when it's fully erect?"

Jim grimaced and felt his face heat up but he answered quickly despite his discomfort.

"Ten inches. I think. I never cared enough to wanna measure it."

"Big end of the spectrum then. How often do you normally orgasm during a love making session?"

"Twice is about my limit now. I could do three when I was a teenager, but I'm a long way from that."

"Do you like how this feels?"

"Yeah. That's goo...."

Shocked out of the fuzzy, almost pre-hypnotic mental state Blair had lulled him into, Jim's eyes popped open and he stared down at what his partner was doing. Abruptly, he realized the questions had had a second purpose; to distract him from the strokes Blair was providing until the younger man decided the time was right.

"Confusion. No disgust yet. Not bad." Blair commented, examining Jim's expression as he removed his hand.

"Hey, don't go startin' somethin' you don't intend to finish..."

"That's your job."

"What?"

"Second half of the test. Can you touch yourself while I watch?"

"You've gotta be kidding...."

"Hey, two seconds ago you wanted me to touch you and now you're balking over masturbating in front of me? You aren't ready, Jim. You obviously have no clue what you really want or what you're getting into. I'll go start dinner."

"Sandburg, wait...."

"No. Don't push yourself into something you don't wanna do. Remember the guilt and regret wall?"

"Isn't that just back of the Jefferson Memorial?"

"Funny. You're just a human joke book today."

As the younger man moved around the corner of the couch, he heard Jim curse silently under his breath. Blair stopped and waited for his partner to speak.

"After all we've been through I didn't expect you to give up on me so damned easy, Sandburg."

"I'm not giving up on you. I'm giving you an out. It's what a good friend would do."

"An out I don't want.... or need."

After a momentary pause, Blair returned to sit on the couch.

"If you don't want out, what do you want?"

"For you to cut me some slack and give me a minute to work up to this. I've never done that.... never touched myself in front of anybody, male or female. I...."

"I'm sorry, man. I assumed.... Take all the time you need. No pressure, I swear."

{What I need is a valium.... I should be committed for doing this.....}

"I'm gonna need something.... you know, to keep the mess from getting everywhere."

"Right. Of course. Gimme a minute."

Blair retrieved a hand towel from the bathroom and delivered it to Jim, allowing the older man to slowly begin the process of pleasuring himself, though his hands shook so badly that he had trouble even making his zipper function.

"Just relax, buddy. Close your eyes, pretend noone else is here but you. You're alone, in a private room, behind a locked door. Just you and your favorite fantasy...."

Gradually, Blair's words calmed Jim and he was able to slide his zipper down, slip his hand inside and draw out his half-hard prick. His pace was leisurely at first, but over several minutes he built the speed and pressure until his face contorted and he erupted mightily, stream after stream of fluid spilling from him and soaking into the towel.

Fighting to keep his own body under control, Blair stood, leaned in to whisper in Jim's ear then moved off to his own room.

"Ten inches my sweet Aunt Millie."

SUNDAY

Jim spent most of the following morning alone, wondering why Blair hadn't shown his face.

{Crap. It wasn't a lie. I really never have measured it.... I did everything he asked me to, answered all his humiliating questions... but I must've done something wrong, damn it.}

Finally, Jim decided to check on Blair, as much for his own ego as for the other man's well being.

"Chief?"

"I'm awake."

"You didn't come out for breakfast, you haven't even poked your head out the door. You're givin' me an inferiority complex, here. Talk to me. Tell me what I screwed up or what I didn't do at all that I was supposed to..."

"Hey, no. You passed with flying colors. I'm the one who failed."

"What? I don't understand."

"I practically had to tie myself to the arm of the couch to keep my hands off you last night. I should have more control than that. If that's the best I can do..."

Moving into the room, Jim perched on the edge of the bed

"You could have had your hands all over me and I probably wouldn't have cared, Chief. It's okay."

"You don't know.... on second thought, you've read the journals. You know everything. Listen, can you answer a question honestly?" Blair asked, finally meeting Jim's eyes.

"I'll try."

"Of all the things I wrote on those pages, what disturbed you the most?"

"The stuff about oral sex, I guess. I've never understood how women do that. I'm damn glad they can, I just never understood it."

"Take how much that bothered you and ramp it up about a hundred times and you'll almost know how scary your first time will be. You're looking at this naked man kneeling over you, stroking himself, knowing he's about to put that erection inside you. You aren't ready, Jim."

"You keep sayin' that like you can read my mind. Did you suddenly become psychic?"

"No, but..."

"Then stop trying to tell me how I feel."

"I'm sorry. I just.... I'm so scared.... I don't want sex to destroy our friendship. You can't know how much having you as my best friend means to me.... I can't lose my Blessed Protector, Jim...."

"That's not gonna happen. I won't let it. Will you make me a couple promises before we start?"

"If I can."

"Will you promise we can take this really slow? Maybe we won't get to end-game at all today. That slow."

"I think I can manage that."

"And will you promise not to back off or run and hide, even if what you want and how bad you want it are scaring you out of your mind?"

"Yeah. I promise." Blair responded, finally comprehending the depth of Jim's commitment to move forward into this new level of their relationship.

"Okay. What's first?"

"Getting down to your skivvies would help."

"Just that? I thought..."

"You wanted slow, remember? Instant nakedness is not slow. You might want to use the bathroom. I have scary things to gather."

Reluctantly, Jim left to remove his boots and outer clothes and Blair slid open a drawer in his night-table and began to root around in it, searching for what he wanted. By the time Jim returned, two condoms and a fresh tube of lubricant were laid out on the small surface. Seeing them, the older man paled considerably. "I said scary, didn't I? Look at me, not them. C'mere."

Jim approached hesitantly, his expression clearly telegraphing the intensity and stress of the atmosphere in his head. "Come a little closer. That's it. Now. Whatever helps you get into the sensation, go ahead and do it, okay? Close your eyes, put your head in a different place for a while. Whatever." Blair told Jim softly as he slid warm hands under the other man's t-shirt.

"Are rookies allowed to make requests?"

"Depends. What is it?"

"The electric Kool-aid acid test." Jim replied, referring to one of the many fantasies in Blair's journals that involved the use of Jim's Sentinel abilities.

Blair's hands stilled for a moment as he processed exactly what Jim was asking then resumed their slow, easy caresses.

"Not a good idea your first time. The... discomfort can be bad enough as it is."

"I'll shut it down.... if you warn me.... in time. I... ohhhh.... I wanna try it.... for the.... mmmm... for the sake of.... damn, do that again...."

"For the sake of science?" Blair chuckled gently. "That's a laugh. You've never cared about science in the slightest, Jim." he retorted, repeating the tweak he'd given Jim's nipple and noticing that a light sheen of sweat already covered his partner's torso. "We could give it a shot, I guess. You have to swear you'll tell me the second anything gets too painful or intense."

"I.... nnnnh.... swear."

"I'll guide you when I'm ready to start, but it.... Jim?"

Unexpectedly, Jim did the recoiling this time, moving a step or two away from the bed and Blair. "You okay? Felt like you stopped breathing for a second there."

"Yeah. Wow. The fear really hits sudden, doesn't it?"

"Sometimes. It did for me. In fact, I backed off my first time completely. Took me a week to get the guts to approach him again. I told you you're not obligated. You `re free to walk away if that's what feels right."

"No. No, I'm here, mind, body and soul. I'm where I wanna be. It just...."

"I know. It's okay." Blaire reassured him, holding out a hand. Jim took it and allowed himself to be tugged back close to the bed.

"What you were doing... that felt really right. Try again?"

"Whatever you want. I'm glad this feels good. It's not too bad on this end either. I can't believe your skin is so soft." Blair commented, slowly replacing his hands under Jim's t-shirt and resuming the work he'd been doing on his partner's nipples and pecs. "Remember. Stop means stop. I don't want to push you into anything or take you anywhere you aren't sure of, okay? Still feel good?"

"Incredible. No woman ever did this for me... they touched but... they never paid my chest this much attention... Now I know why they like it...."

"Men's nipples and the area around them can be just as sensitive as a woman's. More so for some guys."

"I... I must be.... one of those...."

"Could be. Let's really find out. Is it okay if I take your t-shirt off?"

"Yeah. Go ahead."

"Good." Blair said, standing to help Jim peel the slightly damp cotton away from his skin. "You're so gorgeous, man. So gorgeous... just like I always knew you would be." he mused, running both hands slowly up and down over Jim's chest and abs, occasionally tugging on a nipple or running his fingers through a patch of dark hair.

"You keep this up.... you're gonna get messy long before you expect to..."

"We both know the foolproof method for handling that. It's frustrating... but effective. If we have to use it, we will."

"I know exactly what you mean and I'd rather dunk my prick in liquid nitrogen."

"Ouch! Imagery guaranteed to wilt any man in under two seconds." Blair groaned, dropping back to the bed and waiting for Jim to follow suit. "Come sit beside me and let's put that imagination to better use. Turn to face me a little. Good. That's about right."

Leaning in close to Jim, Blair brushed his mouth lingeringly over each cheek then moved down to the lips. "If you wanna close your eyes..... you can. The important thing is to stay relaxed.... and get into it.... do what your body.... wants to do.... whatever it is.... just go with it..." he instructed between brief, soft kisses.

Following the lead of his body, suddenly finding he was helpless to do much else, Jim parted his lips slightly, tilted his head a little and deepened the kiss, pushing back at Blair as if asking for more passion than he was being given. Moments later one hand was curled around the back of Blair's head, the other laid flat against his guide's chest and both men's tongues had melted together as if they were one piece of flesh.

When he dared to break the fusion between them, Jim found it difficult to breathe or think clearly.

"God..."

"Yeah. That about covers it. I knew it would be this way. I knew.... Are you ready to try the journal thing?"

"Absolutely. Let's do it."

"Okay. Lay down so your head's on the pillow. That's it. Good. Scoot over a little so I can have some room.... there. This may not work. Just remember that. It was only an idea of mine."

"It doesn't matter if it does or doesn't. If it gets me another kiss like that... who the hell cares?"

"It's a distinct possibility. Close your eyes again and visualize your hands for me. Think about the power that's in those hands; the enhanced power of touch that lets you know and understand things other people can't. The power has a color associated with it. See your hands coated, covered in this color and tell me what the color is."

After a moment and a deep breath, Jim responded quietly.

"Blue.... like a.... deep midnight blue."

"Fantastic. That's amazing. Are there hints of other colors or..."

"Chief. We're not here for your research. I'm glad it's working. Just tell me what to do next before I don't feel like playin' anymore."

"Sorry. You know me." Blair apologized with a sheepish grin. "Okay. Next step is to see that deep blue slowly expanding up your arms.... across your shoulders.... your collarbone.... up your neck but not over your face. As your sense of touch expands the color will lighten a little bit. The two sides meet in the middle and the color moves down your chest to your waist.... and stops there."

When he sought out Jim's face. Blair realized his partner's manner had changed radically in only the few seconds it had taken them to complete the first half of the experiment. Ellison was breathing rapidly, his eyes were flickering back and forth under his closed lids and a beatific smile lit his face.

"Ohhhh.... wow. This.... this is unbelievable. Those blood vessels... the ones right under the surface of the skin?"

"Capillaries?"

"Yeah. I can feel `em.... and the nerves... and everything.... all over my upper body..... this is outrageous, Blair.... totally.... outrageous."

"Glad you like it. Ready to move on to part two?"

"Hell yeah. Go for it. As good as it felt before, I can't wait for this.... Hey. Can I ask somethin' before you get too... involved in your work?"

"Of course."

"You are gonna get undressed sometime, right?"

"Sometime. Just not now. I promised slow.... you get slow. Now concentrate, will you please?"

Leaning in, Blair slid a finger just once over Jim's left nipple.

"Ahhhh! Whoa...."

"I knew it. That's it. We shut this down now...."

"No.... It was intense, but I can handle it. Again."

"Jim..."

"Again. Please."

"Okay. If the shirt irritates your skin too much..."

"I know."

Still wary, Blair cautiously maneuvered his body so that he lay chest to chest with Jim, flicked his tongue over a nipple once and paused, waiting for the reaction before continuing.

"Mmmmm.... Holy...."

"Jim?"

"Did I say stop?"

"No. Just checking...."

"Quit checking and keep licking!"

"Your wish, my command." Blair laughed. Lowering his face again he circled and bathed each nipple several times, getting a feel for the territory, then settled in for a brief period of contended suckling, nibbling and licking. Jim's gasps and oaths grew quieter and less frequent but they never stopped completely. It was only when he felt his orgasm rushing toward him that he spoke up loudly again.

"Chief.... I'm in trouble.... I'm gonna come....."

"I know. I felt it just now. It's okay." Blair soothed, lifting himself off Jim and gently grasping his partner's hand to guide it where it needed to go. "We talked about this. You know what to do...."

"I can't...."

"Yes you can. You have to. I'm as hard as you are and if you let go right now, it'll set me off. I don't want that. When the time comes, I want to know you're getting all I can possibly give you and I want you to know it too. C'mon. That's right."

Though every nerve in him seemed to be screaming for release, a tiny, lust-free fragment of Jim's brain knew Blair was making sense. Sliding his hand inside his briefs, he wrapped the fingers around the base of his erection and began to squeeze rhythmically, easing his intense need and allowing the stone-hard flesh to relax.

When Jim had removed his hand, Blair rolled away to lie on his side.

"Let's take a break, okay? We'll just talk for a while."

Jim turned his body, supporting himself on one elbow and studied Blair for a moment.

"About what?"

"Is there anything you want to ask? About me, I mean."

"Yeah, actually. Did you really think I was such a muscle-brained macho freak that I wouldn't understand if you told me the truth?"

"Back to that again, are we?" Blair chuckled softly

"Friends trust each other. I guess I feel like you thought you couldn't."

"It had nothing to do with you. It's everybody else. I've known I was gay most of my life, Jim. When you know early, you learn to fear early.... it becomes a part of you. The atmosphere in this country... hell, in the world, is so homophobic you learn to keep your mouth shut and your private business very, very private or else it could get back to the wrong person and get you hurt... or killed."

"That could happen just hangin' out with me on a typical day."

"And it nearly did. I don't remember much about the Golden thing.... just what Simon said after. He said he had to drag you away from my hospital bed with a tow-truck."

"Well...."

"No well about it. Now that the embarrassment and the fear are over I'm really glad it was you who found about this. I trust you with my life. Never doubt that." Blair reassured him, one hand idly caressing Jim's abs and the section of his right side he could reach without strain.

"You keep that up an' I'm gonna be in trouble again in a couple minutes...."

"Then you'll ease it again.' the younger man said, rolling forward and pushing Jim onto his back again. "I know it's frustrating.... but if you'll just have a little patience.... I promise it'll be so worth it...." Blair told him as he straddled the other man's waist and lifted one of Jim's hands to his mouth to gently kiss it. "When you feel me inside you.... when I finally let myself come.... you'll hit the ceiling. You'll know you're the only one I want.... the only one I've wanted for so long. I'll make sure you know it.... understand it. Whatever I have to do.... however long it takes..... I will make love to you, Jim Ellison. It'll be so much more than just sex, baby.... so much more.... higher than you've ever gone... better than you've ever dreamed...."

Blair licked the palm of Jim's hand slowly then took the fingers into his mouth one at a time, lavishing the attention of his talented tongue on each digit. He lifted the other arm as well, holding the wrists together with his hands while he licked down each arm. Still holding Jim's wrists that way, Blair leaned forward and slowly lowered himself over the other's body again, initiating another marathon kiss which Ellison participated in eagerly this time.

Deprived of the use of his hands, stripped of some of his control, Jim found himself falling even more deeply into the sensation than he had before. Everything seemed to be conspiring to rebuild his desire and his erection. The scrape of fabric against his torso, the gentle strength in the fingers gripping his wrists and keeping his arms above his head, the unique taste and touch that was Blair, all swirled together, adding more and more fuel to the intense blaze in the center of his body; a blaze that was swiftly getting out of his control.

Reluctantly, Jim ended the kiss and freed his hands. Realizing what was happening, Blair retreated, watching intently as Jim brought his prick almost all the way back down to a normal state. "Incredible. You're stunning both ways. Time for a food break?"

"Food? I just had breakfast."

"Yeah, like, four hours ago."

"Four hours? It's two o'clock in the afternoon?"

"Close enough. You need to reverse the visualization or you won't be able to eat."

"How?"

"Draw the energy back into your hands. Pull it back slowly until only your hands are colored.... follow the same path that it took on the way out. Done?"

"Yeah. Man, you're right. I am definitely in need of somethin' to eat."

"Thought as much." Blair chuckled, rising from the bed and tossing Jim his robe.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

As they ate, Blair, at his partner's insistence, talked more about his life, revealing wounds and sorrows Jim had guessed at but never with enough certainty to ask.

"Hey.... I'm so sorry, man. I wish I'd known...."

"You couldn't know any of that without knowing the big secret. Now you do.... so it's okay."

"No more secrets, ever. Right?"

"No. I'll try, anyway. You ready to keep going?"

"About ninety-five percent."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothin' major. I've just never let myself get that close without getting at least a little relief. My body thinks I'm torturing it deliberately an' it's payin' me back with little charley horses all up and down my abs."

"I've had that happen before. Maximum uncomfortable. Let's go take care of that."

A small tide of guilt washed over Jim when he saw in Blair's eyes that more than once those charley horses had been because of him. He merely nodded and followed his partner back into the bedroom. "I can get undressed here or in the bathroom. It's up to you. Not to influence your decision making process, but you should know I'll be stripping completely."

"You will."

"I'm not saying you have to. It's just.... easier for me at this stage."

"I guess.... here would be fine. Not like I haven't seen.... bits an' pieces of the whole package before."

Leaning in close to Jim, Blair whispered in his ear.

"Looking at the ribbon doesn't tell how you cool the present is gonna be...."

When he backed off, moving to sit on the bed to remove his shoes and socks, Jim fiddled with the stereo a bit, finding a decent soft rock station and lowering the volume until he could just make out the words. "That's nice. Just perfect actually."

"Anything else? I mean I can get some juice if you're dry or whatever...."

"I had two glasses of iced tea on our break. I think I'll be fine. From the sound of it, though, your mouth must feel like the Gobi desert at high noon."

"Close. Okay, so I'm a little nervous. Who wouldn't be?"

"Nervous is okay. Scared shitless is okay, too. What isn't okay is genuinely needing or wanting to back out of this and not being honest with me about it...."

"I don't.... No. I want to share this with you." Ellison told him, moving quickly to where Blair waited, hands on his knees. Jim crouched and stared deeply into his partner's eyes, laying his hands over Blair's to help keep his balance. "You know I hear your heartbeat whenever you're around. I told you that, right? It's always on the edge of my thoughts.... this soft, slow rhythm that I pick up on the instant you walk into a room. I know when you're excited, or scared, or relaxed.... it's like being inside your body, inside you, for hours at a time. At first it was a little distracting, then I got used to it and now.... it's a part of me. *You're* a part of me."

"But... you must hear everyone's pulse, or you could if you tried."

"I have tried. Anybody else, I hear it for a second then it fades away, even if they're still standing right next to me. You're the only one. My partner, my Guide.... my best friend. We're already about as intimate as two people can get, Chief. I thought so, anyway, until you offered to let me take this next step with you. Why would I back off the chance for us to *really* be inside each other.... to be as close physically as we've always been in our minds and our hearts?"

"Not always." Blair chuckled, remembering. "Back when we first met...."

"No. Always, even if I couldn't acknowledge it, even if I didn't know. I think..... I think maybe we've been workin' our way to this. Maybe a Sentinel and Guide relationship is supposed to be tight in every way.... including this one. It doesn't matter how we got here, or why. We're here and it feels right."

Standing again, pushing off Blair's knees as he rose to full height, Jim smiled down at his partner. "Do it, Chief. Take the rest of your clothes off. Show me everything...."

Abruptly, Blair realized he was shaking from head to toe, merely from the impact of Jim's words and the timbre of his voice. It *was* right, he knew that. He had known that from the start, but had not known how to express it, or if he even should.

"Jim.... God, I...."

"I know. It's okay. It's hittin' me that way too. Do you want me to.... I can try to help...."

"No. I... I can do this. I think..."

As Blair stood to remove the remainder of his clothing, Jim backed up a step or two to give him space to maneuver, but never took his eyes off the lower half of his guide's body. Blair's shirt had been discarded long before, while Jim had been occupied with setting the stereo, so now all that was left to reveal were the vital elements, the skin Jim had never imagined he would be seeing, or at least not in this way, in this place.

Blair's movements weren't slow, but neither were they rushed; restrained eagerness without being a tease had ever been his forte and he used it now to exquisite advantage, carefully noting every reaction he drew from Jim. Eventually, however, he stood exposed before his partner, the sudden and inexplicable urge to cover himself or dive under the bed to hide repressed only with effort.

"Well... it's me..."

"Oh, yeah. Wow, you're...."

"Skinny as a train track? Disgusting? What? Don't do this, Jim. You're killing me, here...."

"Hey, no! I... I just wasn't sure how you'd react to my first thought. Some guys get weird if you say they're beautiful."

"Beautiful... oh. That's.... good."

"Damn right it is. Look, can I get these off now?" Jim requested, waving vaguely at his own briefs. "With you standin' there... like that, they're gettin' a little.... uncomfortable."

"Oh... Oh, of course! Would you mind if I did the honors?"

"You're the leader today. Go for it."

As Blair stepped close and reached for the waistband of Jim's underwear, the older man shivered and closed his eyes.

"You okay?"

"I'm fantastic. Your hands... they're so warm and soft. It... surprised me."

"Warm hands always beat cold ones. You ready?"

"Yeah. Beyond ready."

"I see that. Here we go. There. Step out of them. Good. Now, this may take a little while, but the idea isn't frustration, it's build-up. Slow and easy now equals more intensity on the other end. I want this to be a night at a sit-down restaurant, not a trip to the drive-through." Blair explained as he dropped to his knees at Jim's feet. "Mother of.... If the word beautiful applies to anyone, it's you, buddy...."

"We'll discuss your insecurities after.... do something, wouldja?"

"Hey, can I help it if you're an Adonis? I'm just admiring the scenery...." Blair replied, curling his hands gently around Jim's ankles and twisting slowly back and forth then massaging over the instep of each foot and a short distance up the shin. "Breathe slow... and deep. Try and stay cool for now. The calmer you are at first, the more you'll feel.... and I want you to feel everything.... from the soles of your feet.... to the roots of your hair. Open yourself to the sensations.... soak it in. Feel how much I want this to be good for you.... how much I want it to last... When you come I want every nerve in your body to react... every... single.... one." Blair exhorted, having finally worked his way up to the inside surfaces of Jim's knees. "Open up for me.... that's it. Spread your feet a little more. Good. Final countdown to launch.... let this take you over, Jim. Anticipate that first touch... the first stroke of my fingers. Want it so bad you think you can't fight your orgasm another minute. Want it.... need it."

Finally, after several minutes of preamble, Blair gave Jim the touch he was crying out for with body and voice. "Let this wash over you.... let it sweep over you like a waterfall made of pure electricity. That's right.... let it happen. Noone's stopping you this time.... nobody's taking it away..... go on, love. Do it for me.... give me all you've got.... give it all to me, Jim. I adore your prick... so soft.... but hard and powerful at the same time... so much like you. Show me what it can do, baby. Give it to me, Jim... give it up... give it up, man... give it to me, Jim...."

Lost in the sound of Blair's voice and unable to stall an increasingly strong need for release, Jim obeyed a few moments later and surrendered everything he had to give to the hands milking and caressing him. When his spasms finally faded and ceased, he found his legs too weak to support him and he dropped to the floor, supported most of the way down by Blair.

"Ahhh... can't... I didn't just feel.... couldn't have... I came.... th... thirteen times..."

"Easy. Breathe, buddy. I felt it too. You were fantastic."

"No way... you... those words... you did that.... it felt like I was.... hooked into a high voltage power line... that was incredible, Blair.... incredible.... how'd you ever.... pull that... out of an old man like me?"

"Old, my ass. I didn't pull anything. You had it in there all along. I just... coaxed it out. You saying noone's ever... talked to you? Noone's ever told you how amazing and gorgeous you are or how much they wanted you?"

"Never. Not like that, anyway. If I... I wish I'd known about your feelings years ago. I've wasted all this time, energy.... wasted myself on women who didn't wanna know me and didn't give a damn about anything but my body... when there was somebody right under my nose who wanted the whole package. I was so blind, man... If I'd known.... if I'd understood...."

"I'm just as much of a fool, Jim. I wouldn't give you the chance to understand. In the past few years.... God, I didn't think it would hurt so much to admit this. I've.... given myself away.... given my body up.... for nothing; a word, a promise. I couldn't have what I wanted.... needed, so I didn't care where I was or who I was with.... not the way I should have."

Abruptly, Jim pulled out of Blair's arms and looked at him with deep concern.

"You're not sayin'.... noone hurt you, did they?"

Blair turned his head away slightly before he replied.

"Only once or twice.... and only in the beginning before I learned to protect myself. Before you showed me I had something worth protecting."

"Sandburg.... It was more than once or twice. You've come home with bruises and scrapes at least twenty times.... I knew your cover stories were lame, but I let you keep your secrets.... Damn it. I'm so sorry, Blair.... I should've seen.... I should've made you tell me...."

"Jim, stop. Past is past." Blair told him, embracing his lover again. "It's okay, now. We're here together... and it's never too late to change things.... too late for us to be together.... if that's what you really want."

"Man, if you don't know by now..."

"I really hope you've caught your second wind, Jim Ellison, `cause I can't wait much longer to make love to you.... just being this close to you is making me high..."

"And hard." Jim added, shocking himself by boldly reaching out and stroking one hand down the length of Blair's erection. To his further surprise, acknowledging what he was doing didn't make him afraid or unwilling to continue, so he did it a second time and then a third, his touch more sure with each attempt.

"Ohhhh.... Do that again and I'll be forced to take you right here on the carpet...."

"I'd never get the stains out. Besides, the bed'll be more comfortable, don't you think?"

"No thinking.... thinking bad..... touching.... more touching.... Damn you are too good..... I want you so much...."

"Bed."

"If I can stand up...."

"Lemme help." Jim offered, rising to his feet. Grasping Blair under the elbows, he lifted the smaller man up and onto the edge of the bed, then lay down with his head on the pillows, exactly as he'd done before. Blair sat quietly for a few minutes, reassembling his senses, waiting until he was certain his head was clear before continuing on.

"Blair?"

"It's alright. Everything's fine. You.... Brother. For a rookie you scrambled my brains but good. Just about had `em leakin' out my ears."

"I wasn't trying to stimulate your brain.... and it's not your ears that're leaking."

"That may be true, but this is still your decision. You don't have to go through with... everything. There are so many things we can do...."

"You swore you'd take me someplace new, Chief.... someplace I've never been. You said I'd hit the ceiling. So do it. Take me through that routine again... when you touch me again I really wanna feel it this time.... in every muscle.... every cell.... show me, Blair...."

"Whatever you want, love. For the rest of my life...."

Quickly, Blair led Jim through the pattern to re-sensitize his skin. Flipping his body end for end, Blair began at Jim's feet, licking, nibbling and sucking on the toes, gradually working his way back up to the center of his lover's body. By the time he got there, Ellison was almost in tears, acutely craving the full measure of the sweet, moist, heat Sandburg had been trailing up his calves and thighs.

"Blair...."

"I'm here, baby. I won't stop, now, I promise.... hang on, Jim. This could get intense..."

"I know.. do it..."

As Blair made the first gentle exploration with his tongue, he sensed, more than heard, Jim draw a deep breath, hold it for several seconds then release it in a stuttering sigh. A moment later, sweat slick fingers curled around Blair's prick once again and began to slide up and down. The younger man reveled in the sensation for as long as he dared, then removed both his mouth and Jim's hand.

"What... what's wrong...."

"Nothing. Not a thing." Blair reassured him, turning his body around again so that he knelt between Jim's legs. "Remember what I said before? I want you to know you're getting everything I have... every drop that's in me. I need to give that to you.... I won't cheat you.... not our first time together.... Are you sure you're ready?"

"Way beyond.... I want you.... I want you inside me now.... it's so strong.... I can't control it...."

"I understand. Trust me, I feel exactly the same. Time to pull the energy back. Pull it all back into your hands."

"Done."

"Good." Blair praised, reaching to the nightstand for the condom and lube. "I know you're scared. I can't lie and say there won't be any pain. All I can do is try to make it less.... try to make you feel so good the pain won't matter. I'll go really slow, just like I promised." he soothed, maneuvering the thin latex tube over his erection.

"I trust you."

This statement stunned Blair, halting him in mid-motion for a second or two. The words made him, momentarily, re-evaluate what they were about to do. Other people, other lovers had told him the same thing, but he suddenly realized he'd never believed it before. The utter faith in Jim's eyes, backed by the conviction in his voice, reassured Blair he was where he was supposed to be. After years of roaming continent to continent with his mother and months of moving from one stop-gap relationship to the next, he had finally come home. Emotion threatening to overwhelm him, he croaked out the only response he could come up with.

"Thank you."

Gently, Blair grasped Jim's knees and lifted his partner's legs up and around his waist. Jim got the idea immediately and locked his ankles together. "Good. That's perfect. Now, I'm gonna start to stretch you out a little. This is gonna feel strange, but it shouldn't hurt unless you're really tight.... mmm.... no problem there. You're pretty relaxed."

"You should know. You relaxed me.... Whoa.... it is weird.... but.... you're right.... I'm okay... so far."

"Glad to hear it. I'm gonna slip a second finger in.... and scissor them a little.... awesome.... just stay cool and calm, buddy... I love the feel of your body.... can't wait to be in you, Jim... can't wait to touch you again... slide in and out of you.... feel your hot, wet skin moving against mine.... we're gonna mix our spit... and our sweat.... and our come... until we can't tell who's who.... I'm gonna make you crazy, Ellison.... make you want nothing but me for the rest of your life...."

Tumbling through a mental haze created by Blair's sensuous, teasing oration, Jim barely noticed when his lover added a third finger to the pair already deeply and intimately imbedded in his body. "Fantastic.... this is it, baby.... moment of truth, Jim... no more waiting.... you're ready for me.... just stay relaxed.... I love you...."

As Blair removed his hand and began to nudge inside his lover, almost unconsciously, Jim crossed his hands at the wrist and let his arms fly up over his head. Suddenly recalling how the first half of the day had ended, the younger man slowly leaned forward over his partner's body and responded to what Jim seemed to be asking for. Cautiously, he wrapped one hand around Jim's wrists and pressed them gently into the mattress while plundering Ellison's mouth with his tongue.

Within minutes the two had settled into a slow, easy rhythm. Each forward movement of Blair's hips was met by a tiny upward thrust and a clenching of muscle, each moan was answered in kind. Eventually, Blair had moved deep enough to be faintly scraping Jim's prostate with every thrust. The abrupt surge of added intensity finally moved Ellison to be able to speak.

"Chr... Oh... S... Sand... burg.... wha... what is... that..."

"Prostate gland.... lovely, no?"

"Under... statement... of the century.... so good... faster.... I'm so close.... faster! Th... thrust harder.... God... yeah, that's it.... nnnnmh.... more.... touch me.... stroke me, now.... hurry..."

Blair responded eagerly.

"Come... come for me, baby.... come, Jim.... give me everything you've got left..... let it go, man.... there... I can feel it... gonna be big... yeah.... so hot.... so tight.... I'm almost there....
stay with me.... coming.... coming.... Jim...."

A moment later, both men tensed, holding completely still, just before Blair finally achieved his release. At the same moment, Jim exploded in his partner's grip. Floating on the peak of their orgasms, both men came together in a powerful, soul-searing kiss that lasted beyond the last muscle contraction, beyond the last forced expulsion of fluid.

Completely drained of every ounce of energy, Blair released Jim's wrists and collapsed atop his lover, asleep almost instantly. Jim allowed his head to slip to one side, relaxing tense neck and shoulder muscles, allowed his legs to fall to the bed and swiftly followed Blair into sleep.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Hours later, Blair was the first to awaken, though Jim wasn't far behind. The younger man slowly realized that he'd rolled over and away from his lover at some point during sleep. Smiling brightly enough to power half of Cascade, he turned back and found Jim curled up on his side, one hand flung haphazardly over the pillow and lying close to his face. Gingerly, Blair began to gently stroke a finger up and down Jim's arm to bring him the rest of the way out of his dreams.

"Blair?"

"Hey... welcome back. You okay?"

"Okay... not the word I was thinkin' of..."

"Yeah. I know the pain is bad now, but it'll fade over the next couple days...."

Jim continued as if Blair had never spoken and immediately washed away any fears his lover might have been harboring.

"I was thinkin'.... amazing.... peaceful.... perfect... I've-never-in-my-life-been-this-happy.... wait, that's not one word..."

"It is the way you just slurred it. You're not really awake yet are you?"

"Don't know.... I'm sure if you thought real hard.... you could think of a way to make me wake up..."

"Not now, love. Give yourself a little time. A muscle is a muscle no matter where in your body it is. You stress it, it needs to recover. I'm not saying never. We just have to wait..."

Releasing a small sigh of frustration, Jim lifted his head and kissed Blair solidly, if briefly, before turning onto his back.

"Okay, so we wait. I still don't see why. I feel fi.... Ah.... so that's why."

"I told you there'd be some pain. It will go away, I swear."

"Good. 'Cause we *are* doin' this again. And again and again...."

Blair laughed, replied and kissed Jim this time, long, slow and soft, expressing his agreement clearly through that simple touch.

"I'm not goin' anywhere, that's for damn sure...."

END