Conner's New Law Enforcement Quiz
by Patt
(For Denise. Thanks for the ammo.)


As Conner walked into Sullivan's Pub, she smiled because she knew tonight would be a fun survey.

Conner: Hi guys, you all ready for my next batch of homework?
Simon: We've not seen one thing from you, how do we know you're not just doing this for your own enjoyment?
Joel: Simon, Megan would never do that. Right babe?
Conner: Exactly, Joel. This is legit.
Jim: So what is tonight's about?



Conner: Subject: You might have been in law enforcement too long if:

Blair: Shit, it's a riot just thinking about it.
Jim: Only you would think this would be funny. Law enforcement is not supposed to be funny.
Blair: But nine times out of ten it is.
Simon: That is so untrue, Sandburg.
Jim: I agree with Simon.
Blair: You would, you shit. Neither of you have a sense of humor. And you wouldn't recognize something funny, if it bit you in the ass.
Jim: That's harsh, Blair. I have a sense of humor.
Conner: Guys, guys... We haven't even started the survey yet and you're already arguing.
Simon: That's what old married people do.
Blair: Who you calling old?
Jim: Fuck you, Simon.
Conner: Okay, guys, lets start this. Lets let the other guys have a word to say for a change. You might have been in law enforcement too long if; you have the bladder capacity of five people.

Brown: Holy shit, this is so true. Man, I bet we'll all agree on this one.
Rafe: Yup, I agree with my partner.
Joel: I agree also. I think this might be an easy one Megan.
Jim: Conner? Are you saying that only law enforcement people have good bladders?
Blair: Jim, when I started having to go on stakeouts with you, I about died. I had to learn to hold it big time.
Jim: Oh I get it now.
Blair: He's a little slow, but he's really good in bed.
Jim: Fuck you.
Blair: I hope so.
Rafe: God, they're starting already. You gotta love em.
Simon: I agree with everyone, now could we move on?
Blair: How do you know if Jim's good in bed?
Simon: You know damn well what I was talking about. God, you're cruising for a bruising, Sandburg.
Blair: Hey no one gets to bruise me but Jim.
Jim: Chief, I don't bruise you.
Blair: I know, but the look on their faces was worth the lie.
Simon: Could we move on now, Conner?


Conner: You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.

Simon: Hell, this is almost always the case with me.
Rafe: Must be your attitude or something. Would you like Henry and me to find you a date?
Simon: No I don't want a date.
Brown: This isn't true for me.
Blair: You're into restraint?
Brown: Sometimes.
Simon: That's way more than we want to know about either of you.
Jim: This isn't true about me either.
Simon: Duh. The slut speaks.
Jim: Simon, kiss my ass.
Simon: I'm afraid that your partner might restrain me.
Joel: You know, it might just be me, but I feel like this is going downhill fast.
Conner: So Joel answer the question.
Joel: You know it's not true with us.
Jim: Simon, why aren't you calling them sluts?
Simon: Because you're just so much more fun to tease than Joel or Conner.
Joel: This might be a good time for the next one, Meg.
Conner: You got it big boy.
Jim: Oh geeze, get a room you two. They've just taken first place on the sweet talk.
Blair: Somehow I don't think of that as a good thing, Jim.
Jim: I'll tell you something sweet later.
Blair: Nah, it won't be the same.
Jim: Blair, don't do this.
Blair: Move on, Conner.
Jim: Fine, I love it when you restrain me, is that what you want me to say? Do you want me to tell them how hard I get just thinking about it?
Blair: No, I wanted you to tell me you loved me.
Jim: Oh... Well I do you know?
Simon: Okay, now that Ellison has successfully fucked himself, lets move on.


Conner: You believe at least 50% of people are a waste of skin.

Blair: Hell we don't need to be in law enforcement to think this.
Jim: I agree, but maybe it's a little worse with us, since we see all the bad ones.
Simon: I think this is true.
Joel: I agree with Simon.
Rafe: I think this on a daily basis.
Brown: I like to think that there is something good in everyone. Sometimes we just have to look deeper.
Jim: Okay, shrink time for Henry.
Brown: Hey at least I didn't just tell the group that I like to be tied up.
Jim: Shut up, Brown.
Blair: I think Brown is right. We all tend to not look deep enough in some.
Joel: Some of these people don't need to be having us look deep into them. They're too fucking rotten.
Conner: Oh man, I've never heard you get so passionate about something in the group.
Simon: What's up with this group shit? We act like we're in therapy.
Rafe: Well I don't know about anyone else, but I feel like it is therapy.
Jim: Feels like it to me too.
Blair: Hey Jim, I love you too.
Jim: Thanks, hot stuff.
Rafe: God, they are so cute.
Conner: Yeah, they are.
Simon: I need a paper bag to throw up in.
Jim: Kiss my ass, Simon.
Simon: Do I need to remind you of who I am?
Jim: No, I know you're my friend, who's being an asshole today.
Joel: Okay, before they start punching each other's lights out, I just want to say, that I like when he says that to you, Simon.
Brown: Why?
Joel: Because sometimes you're just too uptight.
Rafe: Amen.
Simon: Enough about me lets move this thing along.



Conner: Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.

Brown: Damn, but I love excitement at shift change.
Rafe: Me too.
Jim: What are you guys nuts?
Blair: You do too, Jim. Admit it.
Jim: Okay maybe.
Blair: You all are adrenaline junkies.
Jim: And this is from the man that loves the roller coaster rides?
Blair: Yeah.
Joel: I prefer to have my shift change quiet.
Conner: I agree.
Jim: Conner, who asked you?
Joel: She can say something if she wants to, Jim.
Jim: Sorry Joel.
Joel: Don't say sorry to me; say it to her.
Jim: Sorry Conner.
Conner: It's all right mate.
Blair: whispering I'd like a ride on the roller coaster tonight.
Jim: whispering back you got it, baby.
Simon: We can still hear you. We're sitting a foot away from you.
Jim: Sorry.
Blair: We don't have to be sorry for being in love.
Simon: Could we bring this back around to the topic. Geeze, you all get so off topic it's not even funny. I like my shift change quiet. I've had enough years of roller coaster. And I don't mean Jim's.
Rafe: Good one, Simon.
Brown: howling you're all so mean to Jim.
Simon: Then why are you laughing?
Brown: Because I'm not an idiot.
Blair: Well I see that the two oldest members of the squad like it quiet at shift change. The rest of us want excitement. We're not dead yet.
Conner: Sandy, take that back.
Joel: I can take care of myself Meg.
Blair: Sorry guys.
Simon: Could we get done so I can go to bed at a decent hour?
Blair: Old man alert. Old man alert.
Jim: Good one, Sandburg.
Simon: Sandburg, did I tell you that you're on the all weekend long stakeout?
Blair: Simon, I was joking.
Simon: Too late now.
Blair: Fuck...
Jim: Later.
Brown: howling you two are too much.



Conner: You call for a criminal history check on anyone who seems remotely friendly towards you.

Jim: I used to do this with anyone that came in contact with Sandburg.
Blair: I know and it pissed me off.
Simon: I do this all the time. If I think someone seems a little odd or different, I run a make on them.
Joel: Well it's nice to see what you guys do in your spare time.
Simon: Oh give me a break. You do this too.
Joel: All right, once.
Brown: I do it when someone new comes into the family.
Rafe: Same here. I don't want any surprises.
Jim: Wow, do you realize that we just got through one without fighting or disagreeing?
Simon: It's early yet.



Conner: Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal.

Blair: Okay, I have to say that if you all started discussing this during dinner, I'd have to leave.
Simon: Now we know how to get rid of him.
Joel: That's not nice, Simon.
Simon: But true.
Jim: A lot of people don't feel comfortable talking about things like that while they eat.
Conner: I'm one of them.
Blair: Yeah?
Conner: Yeah.
Blair: Thanks, Conner.
Jim: Wait a minute, Chief. I just stuck up for you, why are you saying thanks to Conner?
Blair: Because you have to. She doesn't.
Jim: I have to?
Simon: Jim, that's one of the rules of being in love.
Jim: Were they posted somewhere?
Brown: God, you guys are funny.
Rafe: Yeah, Jim, they're posted on the wuss puss board.
Jim: I'll show you wuss puss, Rafe.
Rafe: Oh I'm scared.
Blair: Rafe: Knock it off.
Rafe: Make me.
Rafe: Ow.
Blair: I told you to knock it off.
Rafe: Who would have thought you'd grab my balls?
Jim: Chief, I don't want you grabbing anyone's balls.
Blair: Believe me, you're got nothing to worry about.
Conner: Oh god, Sandy, you're the funniest.
Rafe: I'm going to kick your ass when Jim isn't around.
Blair: Oh I'm scared.
Jim: Watch it Rafe, or I'll pull your balls off.
Simon: Okay, men. Lets calm down.
Joel: But it was just getting good.
Simon: Don't encourage them, Joel.
Rafe: It doesn't bother me to talk about gory things during meals.
Brown: Me either.
Simon: Conner, there's a lull. Move...



Conner: You find humor in other people's stupidity.

Simon: Now I know that this is in the job description.
Joel: I think you're right. God, I love stupid people sometimes.
Rafe: They can be funny, but they're also a pain in the ass.
Brown: I usually just find them funny. I try to find humor in everyone.
Jim: Who are you, Henry Sunshine?
Blair: Jim, knock it off. I think you're right Henry.
Jim: Fine. I'll try and find humor in more places from now on.
Blair: There's no need to be fucking sarcastic.
Rafe: Oh oh, he's using the F word.
Brown: Ellison, run, we'll cover ya.
Blair: I'm glad you all think this is so fucking funny.
Simon: See, this is an example of this survey question. Stupid people are everywhere.
Jim: Just who are you calling stupid, Simon?
Simon: You're all smart, figure it out.
Rafe: Screw you.
Brown: Yeah, what Rafe said.
Blair: Simon, I could say that same thing back to you.
Joel: Sit down, Simon. You're not going to touch him. Sit down Jim.
Blair: Jim, why do you think I can't take care of myself?
Jim: I know you can. I just don't like him talking to you like that. And I sure don't like him making nasty faces at you.
Blair: Baby that was a normal face. Apologize to him now.
Jim: Sorry Simon.
Simon: Fuck you, Ellison. God, why do we do this each week?
Conner: Because you all love me?
Joel: They better not.
Jim: Don't worry about me.
Blair: Jim, that was mean.
Jim: I only have eyes for you, Chief.
Blair: God, you can be so sweet.
Simon: Gag me with a spoon.
Blair: Simon no one says that anymore.
Simon: Fine, fuck you, Sandburg.
Blair: Now Jim says that sometimes, but I tell him I prefer Blair in bed.
Simon: Oh god. Please get me out of this. Clicking his heels together there's no place like home.
Joel: Cute, Simon.
Rafe: Good one, Simon.
Brown: howling you are such nuts, but I love that about ya.



Conner: You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.

Simon: I think they should think about this.
Jim: I do, also.
Blair: You guys are always into the drug scene.
Rafe: Well, Prozac would help things I think.
Brown: I'm with Hairboy on this one.
Simon: You better stop hanging with Blair; you're becoming a wuss.
Blair: Fuck you.
Jim: You can later, okay?
Blair: Not a chance.
Jim: What did I do?
Blair: You know.
Jim: Because I don't agree about the Prozac thing, you're pissed off?
Blair: Figure it out, tough stuff.
Joel: I agree with Brown and Blair.
Simon: You would. Since you hooked up with Conner, you've been to the wuss puss class too.
Conner: I take great offense to that.
Simon: Oh suck it up, Conner.
Joel: It's okay, sweetie, they're just jealous.
Rafe: Yeah, we're just jealous. giggling
Simon: Could we get done? Are we done yet?



Continued in part 2.