Warnings: NC-17, death of a minor character. Not Jim or Blair.

Secrets

by Patt

Blair Sandburg was weary of all of the concealment with he and Jim's relationship. He wanted to tell their friends, at least. He could understand why Jim didn't want to out either of them at the station with strangers, but he was talking about their friends. What could it hurt, right? He also wanted to be able to touch Jim without Jim pulling away, afraid that someone might see them. Blair was on the brink of telling Jim this might not work out. // God, you know you can't do that, Sandburg. You're so in love with him, you could never leave him. No matter what, you'll always be by his side. //

Jim Ellison knew that something was bothering his lover, his guide and friend. Now if he could just figure it out, he'd have it made. Blair looked right on the edge of saying something to him, but would then stop. Things would have to change. // God, Ellison, you're going to lose him if you don't have a discussion. Time to adjust your life, even if you hate changes. //

Blair and Jim got called out on a case and drove over in uncomfortable silence. Both men knew that they were going to have to fix this... whatever this was. The rain was misting down, making the windshield wipers scrape across the glass, squeaking each time, causing Jim to cringe. They both secretly hoped that it was nothing outdoors; it had turned into a horribly damp and cold day. The rain had a way of chilling a person to the bone.

As they drove on, Jim found the silence almost heartbreaking, but still couldn't bring himself to open up to talk to Blair. Why couldn't he be like other people and talk when things bothered him? Why did things always have to be so difficult? He looked over at his love and saw him looking out the window with the same sad expression on his face that Jim had on his. // This has to be dealt with. //

Blair's cell phone rang and he answered it, "Sandburg."

"Blair, Sweetie, it's Naomi, what are you doing right now?"

"Hi, Mom. I'm on a call with Jim and I can't really talk right now."

"Sweetie, you can't honestly think that you're going to continue being a policeman. You're too good for that. You were born to teach."

"Well, I don't know what to say. After all, I can't teach any longer."

"That's why I'm calling, Darling. I've got the best news. When can I come and talk with you?"

"Listen, I have to go, Mom, I'm busy. Call me tonight and we'll make plans." Blair said before hanging up.

"Bye, Sweetie. See you tonight." Naomi called out to the dead air, not even noticing that Blair had hung up the phone.

"Blair, I didn't mean to listen to your conversation with Naomi, but I couldn't help it. I'm sorry. But what in the hell does she want you to do about your teaching? She blew it, not you."

"Jim, I really don't want to talk about it right now. I'd like you to stop listening to my calls. I've got no privacy at all."

"Fine..." Jim said miserably. // See, Ellison, this is what happens when you don't keep your love life and work separate. You're a representation of disorder; he's a mess and neither of you are discussing it. He won't stick around long. //

Jim had a brief moment of panic set in before they got to the house where they had been called for the case. This was not the time or the place to think about such things. He had to keep things professional. // And why should he panic? He didn't want anything to get more serious, right? //

When they walked into the house, Simon, Rafe, Brown, Conner and Joel were already there. Simon said, "Jim, you need to leave. I don't want you here."

"Why? Why not?" Jim asked, afraid for the second time that evening. He saw the look of dread on everyone's face and knew it was bad.

Blair walked up to Simon and said, "What's going on, Simon? Why did we get the call and you're all here instead?"

Simon looked past Blair and said, "Joel, could you please take Ellison outside?"

Now Blair was truly worried, not to mention scared to death. // Oh god, someone died, and it has to be someone Jim knows. Who? //

"Simon, I'm not a child. You can't make me leave a scene if I don't want to. Now you want to tell me what's going on or do I just go and look for myself?" Jim asked uncertainly.

"Jim, let's go outside and I'll talk to you." Simon said leading Jim out the door. Blair started to follow when Brown stopped him.

"What? I need to find out what's wrong." Blair said trying to get away from Brown.

"Let Jim be alone for a few minutes, Sandburg."

"Oh god, who is it?"

"Steven Ellison." Brown said sadly.

"Oh, sweet Jesus. I have to go to Jim." Blair said pulling away from Brown. This time, Rafe helped hold him.

"I think he'd like to be alone, Hairboy." Rafe said.

"You don't have a fucking clue as to what he wants or doesn't want. Don't even try to think you do." Blair said angrily, as he pulled hard and got away from Brown and Rafe.

He rushed out of the front door, into the still pouring rain and couldn't see Jim or Simon anywhere. // Where in the hell did he go? I have to get to him. He needs me now. //

Rafe, Brown and Conner walked out into the rain and grabbed Sandburg and pulled him back into the house. "Wait for him in here, Sandy." Conner advised.

"What happened to Steven?" Blair asked finally through chattering teeth. // God, it's so damn cold out. //

"He was here with a friend and they took some things they shouldn't have taken." Rafe answered. When Blair looked at him confused, he added, "Drugs, Sandburg."

"Steven doesn't do drugs, man. I know that much about him. You can't honestly believe that he'd do that could you?" Blair asked incredulously.

"Well, he did, Sandy. Everything looks normal for a drug overdose." Megan stated moving in closer to Sandburg trying to comfort him.

"So look again. It's not normal. Something makes no sense to me and I'm sure Jim will be able to tell you some things once he comes in. Where are Jim and Simon?"

"Sandy, he probably just wants to be left alone for a while. This has got to be a shock. Partners can't always help each other." Conner said pitying the young man.

Glaring at her, he said, "I need to find Jim. Now." He walked away from them and they all followed him. They found Jim and Simon in the kitchen, with Jim sitting at the table with his head down.

"Jim." Blair said as he touched Jim's hand offering his strength.

"Oh no. Let go of my hand." Jim said pulling away from Blair with a cold hard look on his face.

Blair couldn't do this anymore. He was tired of having to help Jim through everything, but yet, he couldn't show his feelings towards him in front of friends. Blair Sandburg walked out of the house not saying one word to anyone. He took a bus home, almost freezing his ass off. // Why in the world do I stay here when I'm so miserable in the damn cold? // Once he got home, he went in and started packing. He cried silent tears the entire time but it was something he had to do. He couldn't stay with a man that refused to show any emotion. // You came to me anew, or was it me that came to you? // Crying harder he continued to pack.

Suddenly, Blair sat on the spare bed and realized he couldn't leave him right now. No way could he desert him in the midst of Steven's death. As he was thinking this, the front door opened and Jim walked in. He stood in the opening to the study and watched Blair on the futon.

"I'm sorry, Blair. I'm truly sorry for saying that earlier. Please don't leave me."

"I won't leave." Blair said getting up and walked into the bathroom.

Jim looked at the packed bag and knew that it was only a matter of time. He wasn't going to stand for it. He opened Blair's bag and started unpacking his things. He put everything back where it belonged and put the suitcase away and then went into the kitchen to start some tea.

When Blair came out of the bathroom, he sat across from Jim at the table and asked, "Is there anything you want to talk about?"

"Yeah, a few things. I wanted to tell you that I talked to Steven about drugs some time ago. I was embarrassed to tell you about it. It's nothing I'm proud of. Not of him or myself. He wouldn't listen to

me. I tried to help him, Blair, I did. He wouldn't listen. Now he's gone. We were trying to get back to being brothers. Now I'll never have that again. I fucking blew it and my dad will never forgive me when he finds out that I knew about it. Jim walked over to the window and looked out as his mind filled with thoughts of what would come to pass. // Any time tomorrow a part of me will die. And a new one will be born. Any time tomorrow I'll get sick of asking why. Sick of all the darkness worn."//

"Why did he take drugs Jim? This makes no sense to me."

"He didn't want anyone to know, but he got hooked on pain killers when he hurt his back and he never got better. Each month he needed more and more. I talked him into a treatment center many times, but he wouldn't show up at the last minute. I really did try, Blair. God, my dad is going to be heartbroken. He'll never forgive me for this."

Blair took Jim into his arms and held on to him for dear life. Jim still couldn't lose control. He seemed to be trying to stay so brave and the younger man sure didn't know why. There was no one else here.

"Let's go upstairs, Jim." Blair said leading him up to their bed. Jim seemed to have forgotten that Blair had been packed. // Repression is a good thing sometimes. // Blair thought to himself as he led him up the stairs. It was as if he could only think of one thing at a time. He just held Jim until he fell asleep. Blair put music on low to help relax both of them. This would also cut down outside noise for Jim. He needed to sleep and not worry about being awakened to something loud. Then he put on the white noise generator and started to fall asleep.

There was a knock at the door. Blair got up and walked down the stairs to answer it. Seeing Naomi standing there wasn't what Blair needed right now, either. She was supposed to have called first. //

Damn. //

"Naomi, what do you want? You couldn't have come at a worse time." Blair said trying to get his point across without being rude. But he never got to finish telling her what had happened.

"Don't be silly, Darling, it's never a bad time for your mother. I've got a job opportunity for you. It's teaching. We all know that's what you should be doing. Don't even try and tell me you don't miss it, Blair."

"Of course I miss it, Mom, but what difference does it make. You spoiled that for me. Don't try and blame anyone but yourself. You're the one that had to stick your nose into my life and ruin it, taking Jim down with me."

"Well, maybe this is my way of making up for it. I know the new Chancellor at Rainier and he said he'd consider having you back as long as you gave up the police work. He needed you full time, no police work at all."

"Oh Jesus, Naomi. When will you wake up? I'm a cop now. It's not like I can just stop being one. I don't want to, anyhow. I love being Jim's partner. So please leave me alone about this."

"Blair, you can't be serious. I had to pull a lot of strings to get you that appointment and now you're not even going to show up? I don't think so, young man. You'll go and you'll be damn glad to have that job."

"Mom, don't tell me what to do with my life. I'm happy being a cop. I love it."

"Blair, you just want to be with your friend. You don't enjoy carrying a gun; there's no way you could."

"You're wrong, Mom. I don't mind it. I thought I would, but it's not as hard as I had expected. And I love being Jim's partner. So let's drop this topic now."

Naomi glanced in the study and saw that the bed was made up, but yet Blair's hair was a mess, so he was sleeping. Her biggest fears were confirmed. She looked upstairs and said, "Oh, I see. You thought that if you slept with him it would make things better?"

"Mom, stop now. This is none of your business."

"I beg to differ. You're my son. You'll always be my business. What do you think Jim would think of his partner if he knew something that would make things forever changed?"

"What are you talking about Naomi? Just tell me and get out." Blair said angrily.

"Don't you raise your voice to me. Do you think if your family had something to do with Steven Ellison's death you'd be able to look him in the eye ever again?"

"How do you know about his brother, Naomi?" Blair asked with a look of horror on his face. His only hope was that Jim wasn't awake to listen to this talk.

"Well, he was a drug addict, Blair. They usually do die. It's sad, but part of life."

"Naomi, how in the fuck did you know he died from drugs? What do you have to do with this?"

"Sweetie, I couldn't let you stay with Jim and continue being a pig. It isn't in the cards for you. Your destiny is to do great things as a teacher. Not be some fucking pig."

"So you did what?"

"Do I have to spell it out? You're supposed to be a detective." Naomi spat out.

"Jesus, Naomi, how could you do this?" Blair said with a look of total shock on his face.

"I was right, wasn't I? You'll never be able to look Jim in the face again and not see the pain you've caused him. Am I correct?"

"Naomi, why did you do this? It's not like I'm going to take that teaching job anyhow."

"You'll take that job and you'll do well, young man."

"Mom, what's wrong with you?" Blair asked as he began to pace.

"There's nothing wrong with me, Darling. I just needed to get you away from him. He's a pervert. He seduced my sweet boy and made him into his sex slave."

Blair stood there with his mouth hanging open and said, "What in the hell are you talking about? Sex slave? Sweet boy? Jesus, get a grip, Naomi."

"I'm in total control, Blair. I've never been clearer."

"Mom, do I need to remind you of who's fault it is that I had to become a cop? Do I have to tell you how much I hated you when you did that to me and Jim? Do you know how much I hate you now? I never thought I would ever hate anyone like this. This was all your fault and you're taking most of the blame for it, Naomi. I'll be your son no longer.

Blair backed away from her and said, "Don't say anymore, as it is, I have to call Simon and you'll be arrested."

"Honey, what are you talking about? I've done nothing. They'll never be able to prove anything."

Naomi started to walk to the front door and Blair said, "Naomi, you have the right to remain silent," as he put the cuffs on her. Once he was done, he called Simon and told him what was going on. Blair could hear Jim crying upstairs.

Naomi had a sick smile on her face and asked, "So can you honestly say you can stay here after this, Darling?"

"No, I can't stay. What does that have to do with anything?"

"Then I did my job well. I needed you out of this house. Out of that line of work and out of his clutches. Things had to change. Steven Ellison gave me a way out. He was such a loser. A drug addict who was easily talked into trying something new."

"God, Mom, I can't believe you did this to keep me from being a cop. I've always been bi. What happened to peace, love and happiness?"

"Welcome to the real world, Blair. When you have children you'll do anything for them."

"What about William? You just killed one of his sons. Don't they count? Is it only your child that counts?"

For a moment, her face looked like it was going to crack in half and then she got strong again as she answered, "He should have done something to help both of his sons. It's something he'll have to live with, too."

When Simon arrived, Blair told him what was going on. Simon took over and took Naomi down to the station to bring the charges against her. Simon was determined that she'd never see the light of day again. // She killed Jim's brother so that Blair would feel uncomfortable about staying with him and being his partner? How sick was that? //

Everyone at the station helped out with the case so that Simon could go and check on Jim and Blair.

Naomi didn't fight any of this. She seemed almost happy about it. She kept talking about the new job that Blair was going to start. Simon looked at her with such sadness and she said, "Don't look at me like that. You'd do the same thing if this happened to Daryl."

"No, I wouldn't. I know that much. I'd never do this to my son."

There wasn't much more Simon could do, so he left everything in the hands of Major Crime and made his way back to the loft. He was worried about his friends.

Meanwhile, back at the loft, Jim walked down the stairs and heard Blair packing.

"God, Blair, please don't leave me."

"Jim, you told me to let go of your hand tonight. I can't do this anymore."

"Blair, I did that because I knew I would lose it. I can't lose it while I'm at work. I have to be strong somewhere. Here, I don't have to because you'll accept me strong or weak, but at work, they all expect me to be the strong one."

"I think we need to put some distance between us for a while. You're going to have some feelings about all of this with my mother doing what she did."

"Please don't leave. I need you to stay with me. I need you. I love you more than you could ever imagine."

Blair found himself with his arms filled with one sad, brokenhearted Sentinel. He held on to him and then walked him upstairs to their room. He knew that things weren't going to be easy, but he also knew that he and Jim loved each other. They'd have to work this out. // Who are you kidding, Sandburg? Like he's going to ever get over this? //

As soon as they lay down on the bed, Jim said, "Once this nightmare is over with, I want to come out to our friends, baby. I'm tired of keeping secrets. Is that all right with you?"

"Yeah, that's fine with me. I love you, Jim. Now go to sleep." Blair rubbed Jim's back until the man was asleep and Blair cried more silent tears for the loss of his mother. He also knew that William Ellison would never forgive him. He would expect no less.

Jim might think that life could return to normal, but it couldn't. He'd never be able to love Jim enough. He'd never be able to make it up to his partner. In all actuality, Blair knew that Jim wouldn't blame him for what his Mother had done, but it didn't matter. Blair would. He'd never get past this. His heart broke in half as he looked at the man that he used to be a lover to. Never again would he be able to love his partner. More silent tears were shed because he didn't want Jim to wake up. He'd have to think this through, but he did know one thing for sure. He was going to have to leave him, no matter what. It was for Jim's sake. // I can't face William ever again. The fucking nightmare begins. // This was Blair's last thought as he fell asleep.

Simon arrived at the loft and let himself in and found two sad looking men lying in bed. Simon smiled when he realized that they were together as everyone had hoped and thought all along. But they weren't going to have an easy row. Simon pulled a chair up and sat guard over his friends until they woke. Then they would all face the day together.

Simon knew Sandburg well enough to know that he'd be packing sometime tomorrow and leave Jim high and dry. He wasn't going to allow it. So he'd stand watch until they both went through therapy. He didn't care if he had to take them kicking and screaming. // You know that this might be true with Ellison. //

Simon got up from the chair and went downstairs to make some coffee. He'd have to have something to help him wake up. He looked into the study that used to be Blair's room and saw the suitcase. // It's already begun. This is not going to happen. I won't allow it. //

Simon got his coffee and walked back upstairs to sit until they both woke up. // There would be a lot of talking going on. They had to work this out. Naomi was a cruel evil woman, but she was not going to take Blair down with her, damn it. Simon loved him like his own son. Then we need to make the arrangements for Steven funeral. It has to be done and William can't do it all alone. //

The sun started to come up as Jim opened his eyes and looked across the room and saw his boss sitting in a chair watching them. Jim didn't say anything just looked at Simon sadly. Simon smiled. It was enough to make Jim fall apart. He quietly sobbed into his pillow, trying not to wake Blair up. But Blair heard him and held on to him and begged his forgiveness.

Simon stood up and said, "We have to talk gentlemen."

Jim and Blair both looked at him giving them their full attention for once in their lives. They needed someone to help them. Why shouldn't it be Simon? There may be hope yet.

Jim whispered into Blair's ear, "If you're going to rescue me, now'd be perfect."

"I love you, man."

Simon smiled from across the room and felt like there really could be a happy ending.

End Secrets.

Lyric's sent from Kylia.

Shadowman

By K's Choice

Any time tomorrow, I will lie and say I'm fine.

I'll say yes when I mean no.

And anytime tomorrow, the sun will cease to shine.

There's a shadowman who told me so.

Any time tomorrow, the rain will play a part

Of the play I used to know.

Like no other, used to know it all by heart,

But the shadowman inside has let it go.

Oh no, let go of my hand.

Oh no, not now I'm down, my friend.

You came to me anew, or was it me who came to you?

Shadowman...

Shadowman...

Any time tomorrow, a part of me will die

And a new one will be born.

Any time tomorrow, I'll get sick of asking why,

Sick of all the darkness I have worn.

Any time tomorrow. I will try to do what's right,

Making sense of all I can.

And any time tomorrow, I'll pretend to see the light.

I just might, shadowman...

Oh. here's the sun again.

Isn't it appealing to recline

Get blinded and to go,

Into the light again,

Doesn't it make you sad to see so much love denied?

See nothing but shadowman inside.

Oh no, let go of my hand.

Oh no, not now I'm down my friend.

You came to me a new, or was it me who came to you?

Shadowman...

Shadowman...

Ooh, if you're coming down to rescue me,

Now'd be perfect.

Please, if you're coming down to rescue me,

Now'd be perfect.

Please, if you're coming down to rescue me,

Now'd be perfect...

******