Title: School's Over

Author/pseudonym: Geli

Email address: tarismare@yahoo.com

Rating: NC-17

Pairings: J/B

Status: Complete

Date: 10/21/99

Archive: Yes

Archive author: Yes

Archive email address: Yes

Series/Sequel:

Category: First Times

Author's website: http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Nook/5175/Sentinel.htm

Disclaimer: The Sentinel, Blair Sandburg, Jim Ellison belongs to PetFly and Paramout and SciFi, no copyright infringement is intended. This is only for fun.

Notes: I have to thank MoonShadow for helping me with this. I wanted to write about the pain to give up a dream.

Summary: After Blair had to leave university he is very frustrated, Jim tries to help.

Warnings: m/m



School's over
By Geli

Blair had become restless. He wasn't needed at the station. Since the mad hitman Zeller had shot Jim in the calf he had been at home and then was assigned to desk duty until his leg was completely healed. The injury wasn't dangerous only annoying. The weapons training at the academy hadn't begun yet and Blair had nothing to do. For the first time in years, he had actually nothing at all to do except get up in the morning and eat and pee.

For the first few days, Blair kept his usual habits around Jim but then he began to get sloppy. He let things slide and didn't have the energy make any decisions at all. He wandered around the loft aimlessly, beginning work and dropping it again a short time later. He searched for books he'd always wanted to read and but gave up reading after just a few pages. He didn't know what to do with himself except play Solitaire for hours on his laptop.

Jim kept an eye on him, silently waiting and ready to be there when Blair exploded or imploded. Which it was going to be, Jim was not sure.

When he came home Friday night, Blair's mood was frosty - anger mixed with frustration and self pity. It reminded Jim of when he had left the military. Back then, Lila had dragged him out of his brooding misery. But a girlfriend was nowhere in sight at the moment. Jim sighed. A friendly shoulder was all he had to offer.

Blair hadn't bothered to cook so Jim had ordered their favorite pizza. He offered Blair a beer. Blair accepted it with a grunt, flopped down on the couch and began to surf channels. Jim watched his friend for a while, then sat close down next to him. He put an arm around his friend's slumped shoulders and squeezed gently. Blair sighed heartily and looked up.

"C'mon, Blair."

He leaned back and cradled Blair against him. Surprisingly, Blair let him and actually relaxed against him.

"You wouldn't hold it against me? See me as a wuss or something?" Jim smiled and shook his head. "Man, I want my mommy. Life sucks, you know. I always thought I knew exactly what I wanted and it turned out it wasn't. Have I wasted my life with the wrong things?" Blair peered expectantly up to Jim.

"I don't think so."

Blair leaned forward, emphasizing his words with his hands. "But all the years I've studied, worked hard, gave it my all. I mean I gave my life to it!" Blair turned to gauge Jim's expression. Did he really understand? "It's all over now. What a waste! I can't use it! It's all a bunch of worthless junk occupying excess brain cells now."

"It's not wasted. Nothing you learn is ever wasted!" Jim retorted vehemently. "You studied anthropology because you loved it. What's that thing you're always saying about life being about the journey, not the destination? Besides, it doesn't matter how much you gain, you can't take it with you." Blair chuckled and thought of the fountain. "You are already a great cop, the best I know, even if it's not official. Making it official is just a matter of making the bureaucrats happy. It's just like getting thrown out of the university. It didn't stop you being an anthropologist. Labels and titles may be the rule but they don't define who you are. Incacha passed you the way of the shaman. That's far more important to me than some stupid doctorate."

Blair slung his arm around Jim's neck and kissed his cheek. He was deeply moved by Jim's attempt to soothe his grieving. It meant a lot to him that Jim hadn't let the friendship fall apart despite the fact that he'd been angry at the beginning.

Blair didn't regret his sacrifice. He had done what he needed to do live up to his responsibility towards Jim. Almost too late, he had realized that Jim's disdain would hurt him far more than the loss of friendship. Honor, that was something he had learned over the years from Jim, to remain honorable even when that meant to sink with the ship. Nevertheless it wasn't easy for him to live with the consequences.

He blamed himself for being unable to just get over it and go on with his life. He had a future - being a detective. He wanted to be strong and stoic like Jim even though he knew most of it was an act on Jim's part. But it served Jim well, kept him directed and after a while the act became reality.

Somehow, he felt closer to Jim now. The older man had done a lot of things in his life he'd had to live with, dark things that wouldn't go away. Blair had always be innocent compared to his peers and now he felt old. After playing cops and robbers with Jim for a couple of years, reality had slapped him hard for the second time. First it had taken his life and now it was taking what had been most important in his life.

Some of his friends treated him with pity which he couldn't bear. Jim understood him, understood the depth of what he had lost in some kind of way. He had lost his men in Peru.

"I wanted to talk to you. It's kind of important. You're going to need your own gun."

Blair shifted uncomfortably. "I'm not exactly looking forward to it."

"That's why I brought it up. I know how you feel and I thought it would be best if you find a gun you are comfortable with. We could go to a gun dealer with a firing range and you could try out all the guns until you find one that works for you. Your gun has to feel like it's part of you, it has to feel right in your hand."

"I don't have much money right now." Blair mumbled in a small voice. He hated to bring that up in front of his friend.

"Don't worry about it, you can pay me back when you get you first paycheck. Okay?"

Blair nodded. Jim was always practical.


*********************************
A few days later, Jim heard Blair rummaging around in his room. He was shoving boxes around and filling them with books and files. Jim got up from the couch and went to watch his friend. Too tired to stand on his sore leg, he climbed over some boxes and sat down on the bed. Blair grabbed a huge packet of papers from his university office and pushed it into a box.

"Why don't you sort them?" Jim asked curiously.

"I can't now. Later maybe." Blair's words were pressed.

He couldn't bear to go through this stuff now. Just dealing with the papers made him uneasy as regret warred with anger. He knew this had produced a deep wound inside himself, that would heal eventually, but a big scar in his soul would remain.

What made him the most angry was that it hadn't been his decision to leave the university. No, he thought, that was not entirely true. He had decided to continue the sentinel research even when it was obvious that it could become dangerous for Jim. He had almost done what so many researchers had been guilty of: valuing the research more than the subject. He knew of many cases were the ambition of a researcher was more important than the safety of the subject, cases where the subjects had been exploited and thrown away after they weren't useful anymore. Some had even died.

Blair chided himself. 'You make someone the center of your universe and then you push him from the throne. Nobody takes that lightly, especially not someone as proud and vulnerable as Jim who most people fear and very few really love. Jim didn't ask to be special. He especially didn't ask for you to crawl all over his life studying his every move. But he soaked up the attention and devotion like a starving man.'

Blair's one-sided rant was interrupted when he realized Jim was speaking to him.

"Can I help you?"

"Yeah, sure. Just pack that stuff into boxes."

Jim stood up and stuffed files into a large box on the floor.

"When I realized that I better leave the military, after they had decided that I was a burden to them," Jim lifted his brow ironically, "I couldn't stand the sight of my own stuff. I packed everything away. It's still in my storage room, untouched. Too many memories."

At the last whispered words, Blair gazed down at his friend who sat on the floor between his boxes and books. Both had been forced out of their jobs due to the misdeeds of others, both would never receive justice and both became cops in the end. Blair smiled at the irony. Like 'The Seven Samurai' or was it another movie? Jim studied the smiling Blair with raised eyebrows.

"We're the two samurai."

Jim frowned. "Come again, Chief?"

"I can't, really." Blair laughed. "I don't understand it myself."

"Well, enlighten me when you figure it out. Although samurai doesn't sound so bad. Kinda like it. Better than the two bums or something."

Blair chuckled and tousled Jim's hair. The older man looked surprised. He didn't like having his head touched. Blair couldn't resist. Jim looked so cute sitting on the floor with his hair spiked, his long legs stretched out over most of the available space in his small room. Blair went down to his knees and hugged his friend. Pushing Jim down on his back, Blair landed heavily on top of his friend. Blair grinned wildly.

"Are you planning something I should know about?"

"Who knows?" Blair waggled his eyebrows.

Jim slung his arms around the smaller man and pressed him against his chest. Blair sighed contentedly. Jim was so nice. In all this mayhem, he was someone Blair could depend on, someone who would try to make him feel better. He noticed how warm and hard Jim's body felt, how good he smelled, the heavy arms that pressed at his back, fingertips resting against the dent of his spine. His body felt suddenly charged and a slight tugging between his legs wandered up his belly. This isn't happening! Blair held onto Jim not wanting to believe how his body was responding.

Jim pushed him back and stared wide-eyed at him. They suddenly became aware of each others' bodies. Blair tried hard to appear surprised and clueless. Jim frowned and looked away. Had he imagined Blair getting aroused?

Jim stood up, clearly embarrassed. "I'll make us some coffee."

Blair scrambled to stand and searched awkwardly for something he to do. Jim went into the kitchen and stared at the coffee machine, trying to get a grip what just had happened. When he heard Blair pushing boxes around, he snapped out of it. He grabbed his coat and keys and left the loft.

"I'm go shopping," He called over his shoulder in a weak excuse for his escape.

Blair slumped down on his bed. He had no idea what to do now. Something like this had happened with friends before, friends who couldn't possibly be lovers. He usually had kept some distance with them and it went away by itself. He couldn't keep distance with Jim. They were partners and he had to look out for him.

Rationally he knew that even though he was straight, he was so close emotionally to Jim that this spark of sexual attraction was perfectly normal and to be expected. Nevertheless, it scared the shit out of him, mostly because he feared Jim's reaction. His friend tended to be irrational about emotional stuff. Blair had no idea what Jim was going to do; be completely calm or freak out.


************************
Jim drove around aimlessly. His thoughts went in inane circles.

He wanted Blair! Why now? And did Blair want him?

He hadn't been blind to Blair's attractiveness, but he'd never lusted after straight guys. Men came on to him not the other way around. He loved Blair for a long time, that wasn't difficult to admit, after all the younger man had practically become a part of him and his life. Could a relationship between them work? He knew he would dare to risk it.

After a few hours, he decided that he didn't really know what Blair was thinking and that if there was a move to make, he'd let Blair make it. He didn't have the slightest idea how Blair felt about the guy-guy thing, so he assumed it would be only fair to let the younger man decide if they were going to do anything like that.

When he came back to the loft, he found Blair sitting on the couch watching TV. Jim let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. Blair wasn't packing. Jim took off his coat and tried hard to appear normal. He smiled at Blair's suppressed fidgeting. Blair was nervous - Jim could hear his heart beating faster than normal.

"I'm starving. I got us something to eat. Want to join me?"

"Yeah. Beer?" Blair sounded relieved.

"Sure."

Jim put the groceries away. Blair joined him in the kitchen.

"Jim," He began tentatively, "About what happened before..."

Jim stopped him. "It's your choice."

"What?"

"It's your choice. What we're going to do."

"My choice?" Blair asked puzzled. "Why me?"

"Because," Jim shrugged, slightly embarrassed, not knowing why. "Because you're the inexperienced one, okay?"

"I see." Blair shoved the tomatoes around on the counter. "In that case, I have to think about it."

"Okay. I can understand that." Jim sounded disappointed.

He'd expected that Blair have already made up his mind one way or another. He wasn't thrilled having to wait. Blair sensed Jim's impatience but didn't know what to say. This was not what he had imagined - Jim wanting him to decide. What an idea - that he alone should make such a life altering decision for both of them. He had something expected something from Jim that ranged from yelling, asking Blair to move out or completely ignoring the whole situation.

Suddenly he caught the inference behind Jim's words. 'You are the inexperienced one!' Which meant...Jim was experienced!?

Blair sat down heavily at the kitchen table. Jim had done it with guys? Blair ogled Jim who was busy stashing cans in cupboards and tried to imagine him in clinch with another guy. A tall, muscular, hairy guy in fatigues. The image that came to mind was straight out of the one gay porn video he'd seen at a crazy party. He'd watched the tape, fascinated by the weird male-male romance and the silly dialogue. Back then, he had planned in his slightly drunken state to write a paper about homoerotic fantasies in western culture.

Absently, he made a mental note that he had no homoerotic fantasies of his own. It would be interesting to see what kind he would develop. Maybe he'd succumb to cultural stereotypes or maybe he'd invent some of his own. What might Jim's be like? Disappointed, he realized Jim might not reveal his fantasies to him anyway. But he could document his coming out, write a book about it. 'Cultural influences in the awakening of a new sexual orientation'. He was halfway done outlining the intro when he looked up. Jim was watching him with a half smile.

"What?"

"You have your professor look on your face again, the same expression you have when you invent a new test for me. I haven't seen it in a long time."

Blair grinned. "Don't panic. This time I'm my own test subject."

"What a relief!" Jim took a swig of his beer. "So what is this research about?"

"I want to document my coming out."

Jim laughed, shook his head and thought to himself 'The Sandburg zone. Don't go there!'.

Blair stood up and walked around the island. Jim watched him, apprehensive. Blair laid a hand on Jim's pec and stroked it gently. Jim toes curled.

"I want to know how much you know about this? I mean how this works. Because I don't know shit about it. I've seen one bad porn flick and that's it. To be honest, the idea of making love to a huge guy like you is kinda surreal."

"We go slow, Chief." Jim chuckled. "Don't panic, I know my way around."

He stroked a stray curl out of Blair's face. Blair liked it and felt uncomfortable at the same time. All his boxes and papers were forgotten. He peered up at his friend. He'd had taller girlfriends but this was a challenge. Leaning forward, he could just kiss Jim's collarbone. If he stood on his toes, he could maybe reach his chin. What now? He knew exactly what he'd do if Jim was a girl; say something nice about the color of her eyes or hair, maybe comment on how kissable her lips were. But what to say to a 6-foot, tough-as-nails, balding cop who slept with a gun under his pillow? 'Show me your gun? Let's compare scars?'

Jim sensed the awkwardness and drew Blair against him in a bear hug.

"Nervous?"

"You can say that again! I don't know what to do."

"In what way?"

"I have no idea... do I romance you, get you naked? I have absolutely no clue what to do when. With you, I mean."

Jim laughed and ruffled Blair's hair.

"Be yourself. Ask me what you want." Blair frowned and Jim sensed he wasn't helping. "Or do some research in the Internet if you feel too embarrassed to ask."

Blair felt safe in Jim's arms. A good place for starters, he decided.

"Maybe you can tell me about you. How it was for you."

"Okay. Let's eat and I'll tell you."

They set the table and sat down to eat. Jim took a deep breath and gave Blair an enigmatic smile.

"In high school, I had some friends who turned out to be bi. They wore flamboyant clothes and crazy makeup. They kind of introduced me to their lifestyle."

"I remember kids like that - Adam Ant!"

"My dad hated it when I started dressing like these kids. He almost had an aneurysm when I said I wanted to have a boyfriend." Jim chuckled.

"Didn't the other kids give you a hard time at school?" Blair asked unbelieving.

"We were always careful. And some of the guys packed. They'd been messed with by the Neanderthal jock types. We had some nice fights. Most of the kids didn't care. It was a pretty liberal school." Jim smiled to himself.

"How was it for you? Sex for the first time with a guy?"

Jim shoved his noodles around his plate. Blair stared expectantly at him.

"A bunch of us went to a friend's house when his parents were gone for the weekend. It was hot and we swam in the pool, buck naked. Things got out of hand. We tried everything."

"All together?"

Jim nodded blushing.

"How many were there with you?"

Jim thought about it. "I don't remember."

"What was this? A roman orgy?"

Jim blushed even more.

"How did you feel afterwards?" Blair inquired. He wanted to know what to expect.

Jim frowned as if it was difficult to remember.

"Weird, very excited. I couldn't sit for two weeks afterwards. I thought about what my dad would say if he found out. When he asked me why I need a cushion to sit on, I told him it was because several guys had fucked me repeatedly over the weekend. He changed the subject." Jim grinned.

Blair's courage sank. Penetration! What was it going to feel like when a well hung guy like Jim fucked him? Blair remembered that this was something guys had done for eons. He knew about the ancient times in Athens when young men had older lovers and a mentor routinely fucked his pupil in the belief that wisdom was passed on in semen. Teacher and pupils had always been lovers then. Jim was now his teacher on the job, the older cop taking the rookie under his wing. And now, by becoming lovers, they were going to be permanent partners in every sense of the word.

"I can help you with the boxes."

Blair snapped out of his daydream and looked at his room. Together, they cleared the table and washed up. Blair still felt unsure. He noticed that Jim was waiting for him to start something physical. Only he didn't know were to begin. Back to square one. He was increasingly aware of Jim's body, his masculine smell, his body heat, his slim waist, his butt. He hadn't dared to look at Jim's crotch.

Then he imagined running his hands over the back of the long thighs and shoving his cock between Jim's muscular ass cheeks. Blair got hard and turned pink.

Jim noticed and asked knowingly. "What are you thinking about?"

Blair started to deny it, then decided against it. He was talking to an experienced guy, not a blushing virgin.

"I thought about running my hands over your ass and putting my cock inside there."

Jim shifted and his eyes glowed with a certainty that made Blair shiver.

"Would you like that?"

He couldn't quite decipher Jim's expression. Was he a top or a bottom? Had he offended his friend? God, this was complicated!

Jim grabbed the dishtowel Blair was holding and flung it away. He took Blair's hand and pressed it against his swelling cock.

"Can you feel how much I like the idea?"

Blair eyes went huge and he nodded, wanting to draw back his hand. Jim leaned forward and kissed him gently, just brushing his lips. Blair slung his arms around Jim's neck, standing on his toes as he plundered Jim's mouth.

"Could we do it? Now?"

Jim didn't answer just dragged Blair to his room.

"Wait!" He went into the bathroom and came back with lube and condoms. "You're sure you want to do this?"

Blair shoved his sweatshirt over his head instead of an answer. He slipped out of this clothes on his way to the bed and sat down. Jim suddenly had the suspicion that Blair wanted to get over with it, like to plunging headfirst into cold water to overcome the shock. Jim didn't want their first time to feature Blair grinning and bearing it. That was not Jim's idea for their first time together.

"Undress me."

Blair stood up and unbuttoned Jim's plaid shirt. Jim used the opportunity to let his hands roam over Blair's back and arms. When Blair shoved the open shirt down, he leaned forward to capture the younger man's full lips. He tucked Blair against him and felt the shiver as Blair's naked skin pressed against his own still-dressed form. Without thinking, Blair stepped on Jim's heavy boots, balancing on his toes until he had finally enough leverage to reach Jim's mouth.

Jim made a step in direction of the bed and Blair let go. He dragged Jim's shirt the rest of the way off and opened deftly his fly, shoving his jeans and boxers down. Jim's hard cock jumped literally into his face. Jim stepped out of his shoes and jeans.

Blair was still somewhat hesitant about touching Jim intimately. As friends they touched all the time, just not in an intimate way. Jim had disliked that, drawn back every time. Now it made sense. Now, with a naked and willing Ellison in his arms, Blair seemed uncertain.

"Are we going too fast?"

"Maybe." Blair admitted reluctantly. He didn't want to disappoint Jim.

Blair turned and realized that there was no space to even sit on the bed. He grabbed papers, books and files and threw them to the floor. Jim watched, amused, as Blair did the classic "Sandburg sweep" cleaning routine. He was distracted from his amusement by the site of muscles playing under Blair's slightly tanned skin and the two globes of ass cheeks. Jim hands itched to run along the crack of Blair's ass, to follow its path between his legs. Still, he behaved because he didn't dare to startle Blair.

Blair shoved a few last things to the floor and looked around as if he were missing something important.

"Let me taste you, Blair. Just relax and let me do something for you, okay?"

Blair run a hand though his hair nervously. "You gonna suck me?"

"If you like." Jim smiled at Blair's barely hidden anticipation.

"I like. I like."

Blair laid back on the bed, propped up on his elbows and watched as Jim slid down smoothly between his legs. Jim smiled secretly, his normally pale eyes dark and huge. Blair couldn't shake the impression that there was something effeminate about Jim like this. Jim leaned over Blair's furred chest to brush his lips over the hidden nipples. Blair gasped and arched. Jim's hot mouth trailed down his stomach and made goosebumps on his skin.

"Oh, god! Don't stop!" Blair breathed.

"I won't, not until I have tasted you. All of you..."

Jim nuzzled the hairy line that separated Blair's belly. Jim dipped his tongue into his navel and felt the hair tickle his tongue. He grinned at the sensation as well as at the suddenly heaving belly. Now to attend to that hot hard thing that was poking him. Jim sat back a bit and admired the raised cock. Blair blushed furiously under the scrutinizing stare of his lover. With the hot tip of his tongue, he slid along the vein up to the purple head. Precum was leaking out and Jim swallowed the head and suckled gently. Blair cried out and jerked helplessly on the bed. Jim was close to zoning as Blair's taste exploded in his mouth. His hands left Blair's thighs to explore the heavy sac.

Jim ran a finger searchingly down the perineum and found the small hole. Curious, he shoved his finger in. Blair hissed and sat up. Before Jim could react, Blair hit Jim's cheek in a hard slap.

Jim toppled back, stunned. Shocked by his own reaction, Blair covered his mouth with his hands and stared wide-eyed at Jim.

"I'm sorry. I don't know why I did that. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it." He whispered shaking.

For a split second, anger clouded Jim's face and Blair half expected to be hit. He raised his hands defensively but Jim had already relaxed.

Here was his best friend sitting in front of him buck naked. Blair had always been somewhat modest and shy and now he had exposed himself, trusting Jim with his body. Blair might be all for new experiences but even a brave man had his limits. Blair was tired, drained, emotionally exhausted. New sexual experiences were the last thing he needed right now.

Blair looked like he'd just lost his last friend. He'd never done something like that before. This was all too much too fast, he had no energy anymore to cope. Jim reached for his friend and cradled him against him. Blair slung his arms around the bigger man and held on for dear life. Jim glanced at the small bed and made a decision. He stood up and led Blair out of his room.

"Go upstairs, I'll shut off the lights." Jim murmured softly.

Blair walked over to the stairs and hesitantly turned towards Jim.

"Jim?"

"We'll just sleep together. Sleep, nothing more. We can snuggle a bit and watch old movies. What'd you think?"

Blair smiled brilliantly at him and went up the stairs. He couldn't believe how easily Jim had forgiven him. He had expected Jim to leave the room without a word and never talk to him again. But there had been no anger in Jim's expression, only concern.

Jim found Blair under the covers on the right side of the bed. He sat down, took off his watch and pulled his socks off. Blair found it strangely domestic to watch his lover getting ready for bed. Jim slid under the blankets and stretched out. Without thinking, Blair nestled his head on Jim's shoulder. The two snuggled together while Jim channel surfed.

"Did I hurt you?" Blair asked.

"No. It takes a bit more than that." He chuckled. "Next time, try the other set of cheeks, okay?"

Blair grinned and blushed a bit. Jim's body was warm and heavy. He relaxed gradually. Jim's wide bed was cozy like a nest in a tree.

"How about 'Frankenstein'?"

"Okay. I always liked the monster." Blair mumbled.

Halfway through the movie, Blair fell asleep. Jim regarded it as a good sign. Blair trusted him enough to sleep. He chided himself for being an idiot and for going too fast with Blair. Sure the younger man was eager but he should have been a bit more reasonable. There would be enough time to explore each others' bodies. He looked forward to 'exploring' until both of them were exhausted and sore. But that would come later. For now, it was far more important for both of them that Blair came to peace with himself.

When they had hunted down and cornered the fleeing monster, Jim flicked the TV off, not wanting to see the end. He looked down at the sleeping Blair and smiled. He was glad Blair hadn't become Dr. Sandburg.



### The End ###