Title: Sandburg, Bird Killer

Author: Patt

Rating: PG

Pairings: Jim/Blair

Status: Complete

Date: 06/19/03

Category: Humor

Summary: Jim has a fever and thinks he's really seeing and hearing birds. The birds have beautiful penises. Read it, its fun.

Warnings: m/m

YAY! This one has nudity. Too bad they're birds. Silliness abounds.

Summary for Sandburg, Bird Killer: This story is a sequel to Ellison, Bird of Pray You really need to read the first one to know what's going on. And even then you'll wonder. {g} Well Blair is just sick and tired of Jim running a fever and talking to birds. Couldn't he like talk to a neighbor or something? No, not Jim. He talks to four birds. Anyhow, Blair has to threaten the birds with death and get Jim back on track.

Warnings: m/m angst/angst/and more angst Just kidding. There is no angst. It's all silly fun.

Sandburg, Bird Killer
By Patt

Blair was bustling around the loft trying to get things ready before he left for work. "Jim, there's plenty to drink and I made you a lunch. It's in the fridge. Don't look at me like that. I have to go
to work."

"Chief, call Simon and tell him you have to take care of something first." Jim pleaded.

"Jim, how many times have we gone over this? When I told you at the hospital that I would make love to you, I thought you would be better by now. The doctor said to wait."

"Chief, come on. Please? A quicky?"

"Jim, I refuse to have our first time be a quicky. And I want you to be better before we do anything. Rest all day today and we'll see how you are when I get home." He leaned down and gave Jim a kiss. Then he made his way down the stairs.

"You'll be sorry you didn't fuck me when you had the chance." Jim shouted.

Blair came back up the stairs and said, "Are you seeing those fucking birds again, Jim?"

"No. Why?"

"Because I'm not joking around. If I find out they're here I'm going to kill them." Blair walked down the stairs and slammed the door as he went out.

"Shit." Jim said to no one, but then he heard a voice.

"Do you think he'd really kill me?" Owl asked.

"Yes, I think so. I missed you Owl. How have you been?"

"I haven't had anyone to rub my feathers or anything else. Would you do that for me, Jim?"

"Yeah, I could do that for you, Owl." Jim started to rub the feathers and Jim saw his penis begin to grow. "I like your penis."

"I like yours too, Jim." Owl said very quietly.

"Jim, could I fuck you?" Owl asked very seriously.

"Might as well. Blair doesn't want me." Jim pouted.

"He's insane. I want you. Get naked and roll over." Owl ordered.

"I can't roll over, my stomach hurts. I had surgery, remember?" Jim asked.

"Birds don't know what surgery even is, Jim. Just roll over."

"Owl, I'm not rolling over." Jim stood his ground... or would that be laid his ground?

"Get naked and just spread your legs. We'll make do." Owl got up on the bed and Jim realized how large he was. Much bigger than a normal owl. He found this somewhat odd. He would have to ask Blair about that. Just not while he was carrying his Glock.

Jim got naked and lifted his legs up and spread them. Owl got in between him and tried to slide in.

"Ow. You have to use some kind of lube or something, I think." Jim said sounding irritated.

"Sorry, Jim. Let's try this again. Lube yourself up and I'll slide right in." Owl was hard as a rock.

"Why do I have to do it? You're the one that wants to fuck me, you do it." Jim complained.

"Do you see any hands or fingers on these wings? No. That's because there aren't any. Now lube up so I can fuck you." Owl was getting frustrated.

Jim let his legs down and said, "I'm so tired, Owl. I'll see you later."

"I knew he would weasel his way out of this. Shit..." Owl walked off in a huff.

About two hours later Jim woke up with Canary looking in his face. "Hey, Canary. How are you?"

"Jim, I need you to rub my feathers. Could you do that?"

Jim sat up a little and said, "I just had surgery, I don't know if I should."

"Did anyone ever tell you that you're a wuss?" Canary was pissed.

"I'm not a wuss."

"Yes you are or you would be making my penis grow right now. You used to like looking at it." Canary started walking away.

"Come back. I'll rub your feathers."

He stood next to Jim's bed and waited anxiously. When Jim began to pet his feathers, his penis did indeed grow.

Jim looked at it and said, "I think your penis has grown since last time."

"Why thank you for noticing. It has. Want to taste it?"

"Sure." Jim scooted to the edge of the bed and took Canary's penis into his mouth. He gave him one hell of a blowjob.

"Could you move over a little? I've got to take a nap with you?"

Jim moved over and the two of them slept until lunchtime.

"Oh Jimmy. Your stomach is making weird noises." Parrot said.

"That just means I'm hungry. What happened to Canary?" Jim looked around the room a little lost.

"He went home. I'm here now. Let's go downstairs and have some lunch Jim." Parrot led the way.

"Sit at the table and I'll bring everything to you. I heard you had some emergency or something." Parrot was putting his lunch on a plate and pouring him a glass of milk.

"I had surgery, not emergency. I guess it was an emergency. The doctor said I almost died. You guys would have been without me for the rest of your lives." Jim was totally serious. "How come you're doing all this stuff when you don't have hands?"

"That would have been horrible. We've been missing you a lot anyhow. I don't need hands, Jim. I've got my wings."

"Want some of my sandwich, Parrot?"

"No thank you. I want you. While you eat, can I go ahead and suck you?" Parrot would have licked his lips if he had any.

Jim stood up and pulled his sweats down and sat back in the chair again. Parrot began to get busy sucking him. He must have been doing a great job because Jim was close to the edge. He came howling and Parrot stood up very proud of himself that he had made Jim shoot his
load.

"I told Hawky I could do it. He told me you were too sick. Do you think Hawky could come tonight and fuck you?"

"Why not, Blair doesn't want me." Jim looked so sad.

"Who the fuck needs Blair anyhow?" Parrot bellowed.

"I do." Jim whimpered.

"Eat your lunch Jim."

"I'm not hungry anymore. I want to take a nap. Would you nap with me?"

"Sure. Let's get up there and you can go to sleep." Parrot led the way.

A tired, feverish and very sick Jim Ellison followed up those stairs.

He woke up once and Hawky was lying next to him with a huge penis sticking out of his feathers.

"Oh good. I was hoping you would be awake when I did this."

"Have you ever done it before?" Jim asked.

"No, but how hard could it be?" And then he started laughing at his own joke.

"I have to be good and stretched. Very loose. Very lubed. Get it?" Jim asked worriedly.

The phone rang and Jim picked it up and said, "I'm busy getting fucked. I can't talk now."

"Jim?" Blair asked.

"Hi, Chief. Guess who's here?"

"Oh let me guess. The birds. Did you tell them I'd kill them?" Blair was serious as a heart attack.

"Not Hawky. He's going to show me how it feels right now. I know you don't want me, Chief. And that's all right, but Hawky does. He wants my ass bad." Jim was watching Hawky.

"Jim, did you eat lunch?"

"No, I got sick. Right after Parrot made me come all over him. Then I took a nap. Now Hawky is waiting for me to lube myself up so he can fuck me." Jim sounded tired and feverish to Blair.

"Jim, listen to me. If he can't get the lube in, he can't fuck you. You have to wait for me. I'm coming right now. I'll fuck you." Blair hoped this would work.

"Promise, Chief?"

"I promise, big man. I love you. I'll be there soon." Blair went to grab Simon to help him again.

"Sorry, Hawky. Blair wants my ass. He wants my ass. Do you believe it?"

"Of course we believe it. He's always wanted your ass Jim. But I do too. We can both have you." Hawky was trying to strike a deal.

"He asked me to wait." Jim said getting sleepy.

"Then wait, Jim." Canary was back and rubbing Jim's forehead with his feathers.

"That feels good Canary. Thank you."

"You are very welcome Jim. I love you." Canary whispered.

"I love you too." Jim whispered back.

Parrot got on the other side and began to rub his feathers up and down Jim's chest. Jim felt so relaxed and so loved. This was the life. Even if it did include birds that couldn't possibly be this
big.

Owl came in and got at the bottom of the bed and began to rub his feathers all over Jim's cock. Somehow he had gotten naked. Jim didn't remember taking his clothing off.

"Owl, move Jim's legs up so I can fuck him."

"Hawky, he doesn't want to be fucked." Owl answered.

"Yes, I do. Just not by Hawky. I want Blair to fuck me."

"Jim, you're sick again. So you're at our mercy. I'm going to fuck you and you'll never forget it." Hawky moved between Jim's legs.

"No, I promised I wouldn't let you fuck me."

Simon and Blair were standing there watching Jim talk to no one and was nude, with a very nice hard-on.

Blair shouted, "Get the hell away from him or I'll shoot you. I swear. I've killed birds before."

"Shit, he's home. Damn it." Hawky jumped off the bed. "Do you think he'll really shoot us, Jim?"

"Yeah, I think he might. You better go and not come back. He says he wants me." Jim was all smiles.

Parrot said, "Ask Simon if he would like to feel your penis?"

"Simon, would you like to feel my penis?" Jim asked looking at his boss with glassy eyes.

"No, I do not want to feel it. I've got my own." Simon was trying not to laugh.

"He said no, Parrot."

"I can hear Jim. I'm not deaf. I just have no damn fingers." Parrot whined.

"Who you talking to now Jim?" Blair asked.

"Parrot. He hates it that he doesn't have fingers. He couldn't lube me up earlier. He's still pissed off." Jim was talking non-stop.

"Tell him to get lost just like Hawky. I've got my gun out Jim."

"Oh shit, he has his gun out. He'll shoot you. Get. Run. Canary get out of here. I won't even tell him you're here.

"Owl, he loves owls, but not ones that try to do things to me. So take off. Bye." Jim shooed them all away from his bed.

"All gone, Chief." Jim smiled evilly.

"NO, they're not, Jim. I'm counting to ten. One, Two, Three, Four..."

"All right, they're getting out from under the bed now. Geeze. Blair, you wouldn't kill birds would ya?" Jim looked worse by the minute.

"Yes, they used to call me Sandburg, Bird Killer, when I was a kid. I'll tell you about it later."

Blair and Simon got him dressed and took him to the ER. While they waited Jim was, of course, talking again.

"Chief, you wouldn't believe how much their penises grew since I saw them last."

Simon spit a mouthful of coffee at Jim and started to choke.

"You okay, sir?" Jim asked as he pounded on his back.

"Jim, don't you find it a bit odd that you're seeing birds with penises?" Simon asked.

"Not really. They're very nice penises and very nice birds." Jim replied.

"Jim, you've got a fever again, so that's what's wrong with you." Blair explained.

"Oh I knew already. The birds told me I was getting sick again. Just like last time. Parrot walked me downstairs so I wouldn't fall and got my lunch out for me. I would have been lost today without them." Jim smiled at both men.

"JIM!!!!" Simon yelled.

"Yes?" Jim answered timidly.

"There are no birds. You have a fucking fever. No birds, no penises, nothing. So let's drop it and wait for the doctor." Simon was pissed.

"They're going to be irritated when I tell them what you said."

"Jim, they don't exist." Simon couldn't believe he was having this conversation.

"Well, if they don't exist, where did I get these feathers?" Jim opened his hand to show them beautiful feathers in all different colors.

"You wanna take a stab at it, Simon?" Blair smiled.

"Jim, I don't know where those came from. But you can't have five- foot birds with penises. It just doesn't happen. Do you want to live with the birds? Cuz if you do, I'll take Sandburg over to my house." Simon was pissed once again.

"Chief, don't leave me. Please?"

"I'm going nowhere. Simon, he has a fever. Cut him a little slack." Blair growled at him and Jim smiled with love shining in his eyes.

"He's so sweet, Simon. God, look at him. He's so sick and he's so out of it. He depends on us totally. We could beat his ass right now and he wouldn't remember." Blair burst out laughing and Simon followed suit. Jim continued to smile.

"Yeah, but with our luck, the fucking birds would." Again, the men laughed until the doctor came into the room.

Poor Jim had a 103 fever and was going to have to spend the night there.

They got him settled in his room and Simon and Blair walked in and Jim was nude once again, with his penis standing straight up in the air.

"Jim, what are you doing?" Blair asked as he pulled the curtain.

"I'm having trouble with my senses. I was going to ask you to take care of this." Jim blushed.

"Okay, well that's my cue to go home." Simon said and started to leave.

As soon as he left he started pumping Jim's cock and Jim was rising to meet each pull. "Chief, that feels so good. Yes. Yes. Yes." And Jim came like a waterfall.

"Feel better now?" Blair asked.

"Will you sleep with me? Please? I know you don't believe in the birds, but they'll come back if you're not here with me." Jim looked like he was going to cry.

"I'll gladly sleep with you."

"Will you wear one of those gowns?" Jim batted his eyes. How could Blair resist that?

So Blair put a gown on each of them and they went to sleep. Blair had to take care of Jim's cock a few times during the night. "Chief, can I suck on you?"

Blair got into the '69' position and he began to suck on Jim and Jim sucked on Blair's cock. Before long they both came explosively and Blair curled back into Jim's arms and they slept till morning.

In the morning he woke up to Jim rubbing his ass. His gown was open and Jim was having a good time. Then Blair looked down and saw that Jim's hands were right in front of him. Blair turned around and saw no one.

"Fuck." Blair jumped out the bed and Jim said, "What are you doing, Sandburg?"

"Someone just touched my ass."

"Well, it might have something to do with wearing a hospital gown, goofball." Jim rolled his eyes.

"Jim, you asked me to." Blair tried to explain.

"Whatever you say, Blair."

"Well, shit! I'm totally freaked out." Blair was pacing.

Simon walked into the room and saw Blair with his ass hanging out pacing in Jim's room.

"Is this a bad time?" Simon asked laughing.

"Someone touched his ass while he was sleeping and he's freaking out." Jim explained.

"Well, who was it?" Simon asked Blair.

"I haven't a fucking clue." Blair finally replied.

The doctor walked in and said, "Oh, I like the new look, Mr. Sandburg. Nice ass."

"Excuse me, Doctor, that's my ass." Jim was pissed suddenly.

"No, I was talking about you." Blair and Simon howled.

"Fuck you, Doctor, and its Detective Sandburg, not Mr. Sandburg." Jim set him straight.

"I told you he was a nice ass. Ready to go home, Jim? The fever has been gone for six hours and you're doing well."

"Anything to get out of here." Jim growled.

"Do you want me to send a couple of the gowns home for dress up?" The doctor was pissing Jim off big time.

Blair jumped up and said, "Thank you. We'd love it."

Jim blushed and said, "Chief!"

"He's so fucking cute." Blair giggled.

"Everyone should have one." Simon added.

"A gown?" Jim asked.

"No. A Jim Ellison." Simon said and they all laughed.

Blair got Jim dressed and they walked down to Simon's car. When they got in Blair whispered, "I just want those birds to know that my ass and your ass belong only to each other. Understood?"

"Understood. Could you like show me how it feels today?" Jim begged so well.

"I think I could." And that's just what Blair did.

That night late at night Blair heard Jim talking to someone downstairs. He snuck down there carrying his weapon.

"Jim, point them out to me, I'm killing em, now."

"Shit, don't come back. He's a good shot." Jim yelled.

He smiled at Blair and said, "Gotcha."

"Get your ass upstairs and I'll show you gotcha." Blair ordered.

Blair began to make sweet love to his man, while downstairs the birds were trying to get the door open.

"Is this the fucking way we came in?" Parrot asked.

"Hell if I know. We're just birds. There's a reason they say people have a bird brain." Canary teased.

Hawky stood up and said, "We just hold our breath and we're gone. You're all nuts."

Owl looked sadly up to the loft. "I'm going to miss the big lug. And he had a great penis."

"Yes, he did." Hawky agreed.

"Maybe we could come back another time." Parrot said.

"Hell, no! I don't want to be shot. That Sandburg is a Bird Killer. I'm fucking endangered." Owl said as they all held their breath and disappeared.

Jim smiled in his sleep because he knew he was rid of them once and for all.

End Sandburg, Bird Killer