by Morgana
Email: morganalebeau@yahoo.com
Fandom: The Sentinel
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: Jim/Blair
Summary: Set after Sentinel too. Blair tries to find a way to deal with the ruined relationship now that Jim no longer seems to trust him. Blair feels that they need to gain some distance and decides to leave Cascade and return to a more peaceful way of life.
Disclaimer: The Sentinel is a creation by Danny Bilson and Paul DeMeo and belongs to Paramount Pictures, Pet Fly Productions & UPN.
Retreat
by Morgana
"Yeah, Jags won..." Blair mumbled lost in thought as his eyes scanned the paper's headlines. Lost in his reading he wasn't paying much attention to his surroundings and never noticed the black Mercedes. But as he passed it by, three men emerged from it.
"What the hell?" Blair exclaimed as rough hands grabbed his shoulders
He didn't stand a change against the hired muscle and failed to defend himself. They delivered a hard blow to his stomach and he doubled over in pain. Another punch followed, breaking the skin above his left eye.
Why would anyone attack him during the daytime? Why run the risk of getting busted?
Overpowered, Blair tried to protect his head and brought up his hands. But they threw him onto the ground like a rag doll and he couldn't stop rolling with the blow. Finally, he ended up in a secluded and dark area. From the corner of his eye he noticed that one of the gorillas was swinging a baseball bat.
And this time Jim wasn't around to help him. Blair gritted his teeth, preparing himself for the upcoming hard blow, which impacted with his ribs a moment later. His ribs audibly cracked and his hands went down to clutch his throbbing stomach. Now that he no longer protected his head, his attackers moved in again. They proceeded to kick his head, shoulders and back and the baseball bat connected with the side of his head. The pain almost caused him to pass out... almost.
But the continued rain of blows was too much and Blair was about to loss consciousness after all. His entire body hurt. His head throbbed and drawing breath was pure torment as his cracked ribs protested that simple action. In a lucid moment he opened his eyes and tried to get a good look at them, maybe it would tell him who was behind this attack.
//Don't know them! Why are they doing this?// he wondered pained. What had he done to deserve this amount of punishment? Another boot connected with his kidneys and he spat up blood. Trying not to choke on it, he cocked his head and suddenly stared at Brad Ventriss. The kid was sitting in the Mercedes, obviously enjoying the show and even encouraging his hired muscle.
Feeling dizzy and nauseous Blair failed in hanging onto consciousness. The pain overwhelmed him and his last thought before passing out was, //Jim, where are you?//
But he'd forfeited this friendship when he'd kept silent about Alex Barnes. Normally, Jim would have been close, but not any longer. They'd hardly spent time together lately and walked separate paths. The alienation between them was still growing. //Jim,// he thought as he drifted off into darkness. //It's over, man.//
///
Jim Ellison sighed, wondering why the fuck he was wasting time on this stakeout. He'd told Simon that their suspect would lay low for a while, knowing Cascade PD was keeping an eye on him. But no, the case was too important and Simon had ordered him to stay put.
Looking at his wristwatch he shook his head. Time was crawling by and he knew the reason why. He missed Sandburg's company, missed the chatter and lectures on human behavior and anthropology Blair tended to give during boring stakeouts. It was quiet in the truck and he needed the distraction, needed Blair.
"But I fucked that up," he whispered softly. He could never tell Blair how much he needed the younger man. Jim Ellison didn't need people. He only needed his own instincts.
In retrospect he could pinpoint the moment when things had gone wrong. "I didn't trust him." That had been his gravest mistake. "I should never have kicked him out." It was the one thing that still puzzled him. Why had he told Sandburg to leave the loft? Yes, he'd had that dream, but pushing Blair away had been the worst thing he could have done. He'd actually helped Alex Barnes to kill his best friend.
"Best friend. That's in the past." It hurt to admit that, but it was the truth. He'd asked Blair to move back in after they'd returned from Sierra Verde and Blair had simply nodded his head. The unpacked boxes were still in Blair's bedroom and Jim wished he'd helped unpack them, making Blair's return final, but he hadn't.
Instead he'd allowed their bond to shatter. The once familiar verbal bantering had never returned and Blair still moved around the loft like he expected to be thrown out again. His own actions infuriated Jim, but he knew he couldn't reach Blair any longer. Alex Barnes had pushed them apart.
Angry, he slammed his fist into the dashboard. "Why? Why didn't I see what was going on? Why didn't I listen to him? He never lied to me, never tried to trick me. Damn, Blair's always been there for me and the one time he needs me I tell him I need a partner I can trust!"
He still remembered the livid pain in Blair's warm blue eyes when he'd spoken those words, telling Sandburg that he no longer trusted his Guide. At that exact moment he'd broken the link between them. He'd pushed Blair away... again. How many times had he done that in the past, push Blair away? And yet, Sandburg continued to forgive him, kept coming back for more.
Jim Ellison hated himself for hurting his best friend, his Guide, his brother. He closed his eyes and a memory flashed through his mind. Blair lying in bed, telling Jim to trust him enough to take that trip with him. And what had been his answer? No, he hadn't been ready to take that trip with his Guide? Shit!
"He fucking died because of me!" Jim exclaimed upset. The memory of Blair not responding to CPR still haunted him. He had nightmares about it. In those dreams he failed to bring Blair back. The panther... that accursed vision... the panther was too late and failed in covering the distance. The last thing he saw was the wolf jumping into darkness instead of merging with him.
The merge... another thing he couldn't admit had really happened. He didn't even want to think about what it meant. It had brought Blair back and only that mattered, nothing else did. He refused to search his soul to find a 'deeper' meaning. The vision had served its purpose, had brought Blair back and that was it!
"Things can't go on like this," he realized and wondered about his next move. Maybe it had been a bad idea to ask Blair to move back in. The loft was filled with tension when they were both home and they avoided talking. Something needed to change, but what?
The sharp ring of his cell phone dragged him back into the present. He pushed his musings back into their own little black corner and grabbed the phone. "Ellison," he barked impatiently.
"Jim?"
"Simon, what's up?" Involuntarily, his sense of hearing picked up on the fast heart beat and too rapid breathing. What was wrong? At first, he'd hoped that Simon was calling him to tell him to go home for the rest of the night, but he quickly dismissed that idea. "What happened?"
"It's Blair. You better meet me at Cascade Hospital. They brought him in five minutes ago. The nurse called me because Major Crime is listed as his emergency address." Simon briefly held his breath, unsure how Jim was going to react to this news. He had seen the two men drift apart and deeply regretted it. Jim and Blair belonged together. Everyone at Major Crime knew that!
Jim cursed loudly, fired up the engine and quickly drove away from his assigned location. "What happened, Simon? What do you know?" The mere thought of Blair being hurt, being in pain made him feel queasy.
"He was beaten up, Jim. It's not life threatening, but they unleashed a battery of tests and exams on him." Simon looked in the direction of the exam room Blair was in. "I only saw him briefly, Jim. His face is a bloody mess." He fell silent after that. "You better get your ass over here, detective." Simon was no longer concerned about showing his concern. Blair had been through too much already.
"I'll be there in ten," Jim promised and terminated the connection. "Can't be happening. Can't be happening again! It's been only weeks since I brought you back, Chief." He shivered, wondering why this was happening now. Did Blair still have the will power to fight? Or had he lost it in the after match of Sierra Verde?
///
"Jim, over here!" Simon called out as his detective ran into the ER waiting area. The first thing that struck him was the panic in Ellison's eyes. He understood his officer. They had been here a few weeks ago and back then Blair had been hurt as well.
"Simon, any news?" Panting slightly, he came to a stop in front of his captain. "Talk to me!" He needed the information, realizing he'd screwed up again.
"Blair was able to tell the paramedic what happened, but when they brought him in he was already unconscious. He saw Brad Ventriss gloating in the car while they were beating him up."
Jim mentally kicked himself. Damn! Blair had tried to tell them that Ventriss was trouble, but he hadn't really been listening, trying to remind Blair not to meddle in other people's business. Hell, he should have known better! Should have listened! Due to his lack of interest in his partner's problems Blair was in the hospital again!
"Jim," Simon said calmly and rested a reassuring hand on his friend's shoulder. "Blair is going to be okay. The kid's tough."
"But what about the next time, Simon? The next time someone tries to kill him because I fucking refuse to listen?" Jim didn't try to hide his rage and it showed in his tone. "Can I see him?" Subconsciously, he tried to hone in on Blair's heartbeat and succeeded. It was slow but steady and Jim released a strangled sigh. //Fine, Blair will be fine. I've got to believe that.//
"They're still working on him, Jim. Let's find a place to sit down and have some coffee. Looks like you need to get off your feet." Jim's paleness worried him and Simon took charge of the situation. "The doctor will call us when they're finished. Come on, Jim." He steered his detective to some chairs, sat him down and got them both a cup of coffee.
Jim stared at his hands, which rested useless in his lap. "I should have been there, Simon." He felt guilty for letting Blair down. "He tried to tell me that Brad Ventriss was up to no good and I just dismissed it."
"We dismissed it," Simon corrected him. "I didn't take it serious either." Simon opened Jim's fingers and pushed the hot cup into the resisting hand. "I'm going to bring Ventriss' sorry ass in," he announced. "Blair made a positive ID."
"Dammit, Simon. You know that his daddy's big shot lawyer will get him out in no time." Frustrated, Jim shook his head. "The bastard got money."
"And Blair's got us, now doesn't he?" Simon said in an attempt to cheer Jim up. "But..." he hated addressing this. "You've got to talk to the kid, Jim. Things have been bad between the two of you. You're losing him."
Jim raised a puzzled eyebrow. "I know that Blair and I've got to work on some problems, but..."
"Jim, you can't even admit it, can you? You need the kid like you need oxygen. Did you ever wonder why he came back?" Simon knew his remarks had hit bull's eye because Jim averted his eyes. "You lost him once, Jim. Do you want to lose him again?"
//I already did,// Jim thought depressed. He was about to get up and pace the waiting area when an elderly doctor walked up to him. Jim saw the concern in the man's eyes and knew Blair was in bad shape.
"Are you here for Blair Sandburg?" Doctor Cagedy asked, vaguely remembering them from the time Blair had drowned.
"Yes," Simon replied and immediately rose to his feet. "I'm Captain Simon Banks and this is Blair Sandburg's partner, Jim Ellison."
Impatiently, Jim took over. "Is he going to be fine?" He didn't really want to hear the answer, but he had to know. His fault. This was his fault... again!
Doctor Cagedy's brow grew knitted. "Eventually, yes. He's a lucky young man. Blair's got a mild concussion, three cracked ribs and a sprained ankle. He needs a lot of rest."
Simultaneously, Jim and Simon released a relieved sigh. "Can we see him?" Simon asked eventually, realizing Jim was still trying to grasp the good news. Both of them had been afraid Blair would die after all!
"Only one visitor at a time. We're keeping him here overnight. I will let you know when you can take him home. Right now, he's not going anywhere." Determinedly, the doctor locked eyes with them. "I didn't even mention the general exhaustion the patient is in, did I? I want him to regain his strength first."
"Exhaustion?" Jim repeated puzzled.
"Or Blair not taking his prescribed meds?" Cagedy realized he'd misjudged the two men. "When he was brought in after the drowning he was told to take the prescribed meds. His lungs were weak, are still weak. He was also given an anti-depressive. You didn't know that?"
"No," Jim choked out and pleadingly locked eyes with Simon. How had they missed it? He'd never seen Blair taking meds, or hauling meds around with him. "Did he take them at all?"
"I don't think so. Make sure he starts treatment as quickly as possible. He died, gentlemen. It's major trauma and he has to deal with it." Cagedy nodded his head and took a step away from them. "The nurse will show you to his room. Don't try to wake him. Let him sleep. He needs the rest."
"Understood," Jim acknowledged, feeling like shit. He'd never realized just how badly he'd screwed up! He should have made sure Blair was fine after the drowning! Damn, he hadn't even addressed the murder, his failure or Alex's part in it. He'd just assumed they could go back to being friends and return to the relationship they'd had before Alex Barnes had entered their lives! "I'm so stupid."
Simon looked questioningly at his friend. "We took the easy way out and the kid had to deal with it on his own. Maybe it's not too late yet. Maybe we can still be there for him?"
"I don't know, Simon." Reluctantly, Jim followed his captain as the nurse pointed them into the direction of Blair's room. "I don't know if I can face him. I let him down!"
"Jim..." Simon was holding his breath, seeing the determination in his friend's eyes. "Don't do this. Don't make this mistake."
"I can't go in there, Simon. Just let me know how he's doing." Feeling and acting like a coward he hurried into the opposite direction. He needed to get out of this building, needed to inhale fresh air.
With a heavy heart Simon watched him run. "Jim, you're only making this worse," he whispered, knowing his detective could hear him. "The kid needs you."
"No," Jim whispered into the sunset as he headed for his car. "He needs someone he can trust to watch his back and that isn't me..."
"Stubborn jackass," Simon scolded Ellison. How could Jim desert the kid at a time like this?
"Are you coming, sir?" the nurse inquired politely and showed him inside.
Simon's face contorted, seeing the vulnerable figure in the bed. Blair's face was black and blue and Simon felt grateful that the kid was asleep.
"We gave him a mild sedative," the nurse informed him. "His system can't take much more."
Simon pulled up a chair and sat down. "I won't wake him."
"Good, sir. Please call if you need me." After speaking those words the nurse left them alone.
"Dammit, Sandburg. Why does this always happen to you?" he mumbled. "You already had your share." He couldn't help but think back to when they'd dragged Blair's corpse from the fountain. He had hoped, even prayed that Blair would come back to them and when it had happened, he had started to believe in miracles again. He might not say or show it, but he liked the kid a lot. Lately however, he missed seeing the sparkle in those blue eyes and the bounce in Blair's step.
Simon leaned back and studied him. Blair looked... fragile... Something he'd never noticed before. "You can't give up now, kid. You're finally getting through to Jim. Don't give up." But Blair remained unconscious and didn't answer him.
///
"Sir, you should go home and get some sleep."
Simon startled awake. Hell, when had he fallen asleep? "Conner? What are you doing here?" He looked up at the foreign exchange officer and realized how quickly she'd managed to become part of his team. "How did you know...?"
"We got our sources, sir," Megan replied at once. "H, Rafe, Joel... we're prepared to sit with him. We can take turns. But respectfully, sir... you look like shit and need a shower." She smiled speaking those words.
"Has there been any change?" Simon's glance shifted from Megan to Blair, whose expression had changed overnight. He looked like he was in a lot of pain and every now and then a tiny moan left his lips. "Kid's got one hell of a black eye."
Saddened, Megan nodded her head. "We know who did this to him, sir and we're going to nail the bastards, but frankly... I don't understand it."
"Understand what?" Simon knew he was going to regret asking, but...
"How can anyone hurt Sandy? He's the kindest man I ever met." Megan pulled up a chair close to Simon's. She'd considered sitting down on the side of the bed, but the movement might cause Blair discomfort or even downright pain.
"We screwed up, Conner. We didn't pay attention to what he was telling us." Simon stretched his body. Conner was right. He needed a shower, food and maybe some sleep, but first he would check on Jim Ellison. Jim's reaction still baffled him.
"I think he's waking up," Megan whispered and cocked her head.
///
Blair didn't want to wake up. His entire universe consisted of mind numbing pain. //Mind numbing,// he thought, still in the grasp of powerful pain meds... //wished they really numbed my mind so I could stop thinking of Jim.// A year ago Jim would have been there to watch his back.
Damn, the pain was bad. Breathing hurt and he tried to take shallow breaths. Moving about hurt as well, so he gave up on opening his eyes or trying to sit up. Just too damn early for any strenuous exercise. Maybe he should return to sleep? Actually, that wasn't such a bad idea.
He remembered their grins, heard their laughter when they'd brought down that baseball bat. They'd snickered when he'd failed to protect himself and Brad Ventriss' reptile eyes locked away behind sunglasses had simmered with pleasure and hate.
"Blair? Can you hear me, kid?"
Shit, he knew that voice. "Si..." Fuck, speaking hurt as well! His jaw throbbed with a deep ache and he gave up his attempt at speech. What about cracking one eye open?
Simon smiled weakly. Blair's clouded eyes tried to focus on him, but the pain meds were making it nearly impossible. "It's good to have you back, Sandburg." The words rolled easily from his lips and he wanted to know why Jim couldn't say them.
"Hello Sandy..." Megan gave him a reassuring smile, but refrained from patting his hand, seeing the bruises on his wrist. "You've got to stop scaring us like this, mate."
Blair wanted to smile back, but failed. His entire face throbbed with pain. Looked like the pain meds were wearing off. Just what he needed. "Hello..." he managed in a weak tone. "Sorry... about that..." He didn't want to put them through this. Simon and Megan had suffered enough when they'd found him dead in the fountain.
Suddenly, he realized someone was missing at his bedside. The most important person in his life was missing. The man he loved wasn't here. Why didn't that surprise him? Jim hadn't been around much lately and when he had been, it had been to lecture or chide him.
Simon read the question in Blair's eyes and wondered how to break this to the kid. "Jim was here," he offered at last, mentally cringing, but never showing his shared pain. "When he realized you would be all right he returned to his stakeout." Okay, that had been a little white lie to make Sandburg feel better. "He's really worried about you, kid."
//But not worried enough to stick around until I wake up,// Blair thought saddened, but it was the cold hearted truth. Things had changed between them. "You stayed?" he asked Simon, feeling bad for upsetting the captain's routine. Simon should be in his office or at home, but not here!
"The nurse let me stay when she realized I wasn't going to cause trouble. Someone..." Simon didn't finish his sentence aloud. //Someone has to keep an eye on you, Sandburg.// There was something about Blair Sandburg that brought up his protective streak, always had. He'd tried to deny that for a long time, but had given up. Truth was that he liked living in the Sandburg zone.
Drowsy, Blair tried to look at Megan, but suddenly there were two Conners in the room. The pain meds kicked back in. Only now he noticed the IV attached to the back of his left hand. "Tell them to... stop feeding me...drugs," he whispered lost as the pain meds unfolded their effects. His eyes closed again.
"You need them, Sandy," Megan gently reminded him. "You're hurt."
Blair tried to reply, to shrug it off, but the movement sent him into a spasm of pain. "Not good," he whispered at a loss, but luckily the spasm subsided. "How long do I... have to stay here?"
"I don't know yet," Simon replied thoughtfully. "You want to go home? I can call Jim and..." Blair cut him short with an indignant glare. The strength that suddenly shone from those draped blue eyes surprised Simon.
"I don't want to go back to the loft," Blair put his remaining strength in those words. "It stopped being home... weeks ago."
"Sandy, please." Megan didn't know what to say. "Jim and you can work this out."
"No," Blair whispered fatigued. "We can't... we no longer talk... Guys... please?"
"Go back to sleep, Sandburg," Simon ordered and couldn't help tucking him in. He ignored Blair's glare. "We'll find a solution."
//No, we won't,// was Blair's last thought before falling asleep again.
///
Jim had first paced the living room, then headed towards Blair's room to stare at the boxes. Their mere presence infuriated them. He quickly reached a decision and stormed in there. Methodically, he unpacked them, putting Blair's stuff back in its rightful place.
"This time, when you come back, I want you to know that I need you here with me," he whispered at a loss. But a tiny voice in the back of his head kept reminding him that he should have done this when they'd gotten back from Sierra Verde and that he couldn't undo the pain and hurt he'd caused.
"I'm sorry, so sorry, Blair," he mumbled softly. But could he speak those words with Blair staring back at him? Could he?
///
Hours later, Simon left Blair safely behind in the hospital and headed for the loft. Jim's behavior still puzzled him and he wanted answers. He disliked the way Jim was treating the young anthropologist. It was unlike Ellison to ignore Blair's needs. For crying out loud, someone had just beaten up Sandburg so severely that they'd feared for his life! So how could Jim walk away from his partner?
Simon knocked on the door, waiting for Jim to let him in. The truck was there so he reckoned that his detective was home. Probably pacing the living room, denying that Sandburg was slipping away from him. "Come on, Jim. You know it's me. Open that door!"
Jim halted in his tracks after putting a tribal mask back in its original place. Thankfully, he still remembered where Blair had kept his knickknacks. Simon's unexpected visit irritated him, but he knew that the captain was determined to talk. He'd recognized the look Simon had given him at the hospital.
Reluctantly, he put two other artifacts on the coffee table and opened the door. "Hold your horses, Simon," he mumbled frustrated, but allowed his captain to walk into the living area. "What do you want?" he asked, studying the grim set jaw. Simon meant business.
Simon raised an eyebrow. "You don't even want to know how the kid's doing?" Suddenly, he realized that most of Sandburg's stuff had made its way back into the loft. "You're putting everything back?" Learning that Jim had kicked Sandburg out had shocked him. Initially, he'd been relieved to hear that Blair was moving back in with Ellison, but looking back he wondered if the two men ever addressed the impact Alex Barnes had had on their lives. How much longer was Jim going to put off dealing with it?
"Of course I want to know," Jim exploded. "I just called the hospital and they told me he was awake and doing better. Cagedy wants to keep him under observation for at least 24 more hours. I'm not the insensitive bastard you think I am!" Damn, it had felt good to get that out of his system!
"Jim, why are you here? You should be talking to Blair." Simon removed his long coat and took a seat on the couch. Jim wouldn't push him away this easily.
"I'm trying to..." Helplessly, Jim gestured at Blair's personal stuff that he was unpacking. "You know I suck at words, Simon. Maybe putting everything back in its place will show him that I do want him here."
Simon nodded his head. "It's a start, Jim, but you know the kid. He has to hear the words. Damn, he deserves to hear the words."
"What words?" Jim turned away from Simon, apparently going back to redecorating the loft. The real reason that he didn't want to face Simon right now was that he was too damn confused.
"You need the kid, Jim. You trust him. I overheard that conversation in the bullpen that day." He'd warned Jim not to be too harsh on Sandburg, but his detective had refused to listen.
"I'm not sure I can do that," Jim sighed. "I don't think I'm ready to take that trip with him."
"What are you afraid of?" Simon was trying hard to understand his best detective but felt at a loss. "Is it your damn pride? Can't you admit you were wrong?"
Jim walked over to the fridge and retrieved a few cold beers. He handed Simon one and took a sip from his own bottle. "It's not that, Simon," he started reluctantly, "our relationship is too damn complicated. Look, Blair and I used to take care of each other. Watch each other's backs, but..."
"What changed?" Simon felt like he was banging his head against a brick wall and it wasn't budging. It was only giving him a headache. "Just spill it, Ellison."
Jim tried to be truthful when he explained his dilemmas to his captain. "I don't know where to start. When I met Blair I thought he was just a hippie... he was playing these awful African rhythms and I had the real urge to search his office for narcotics. But after a few weeks he moved into the loft. We agreed on a week, but... I never asked him to move out again. I never thought I would love having him around."
Simon listened carefully, not interrupting his friend and gestured him to continue.
"Blair is unlike anyone I've ever known. He doesn't give up. He's so fucking intelligent that I get lost reading his lectures... he always asks me to proof read them for him and..." Jim grew quiet. "And then he died."
"That wasn't your fault."
"No, Simon. It was my fault. Blair keeps telling me I'm a Sentinel and that I need someone to watch my back. Why did I never consider that a Guide needs someone to watch his back as well?" He swallowed down the cold beer in self-loathing. "I should have backed him up, should have kept him close."
"You care a lot about him," Simon ventured. "How much?" He was getting closer to the heart of the matter, but did Jim realize that as well? Did Jim know what everyone else had long realized? That Blair was in love with Jim and that the feeling was probably mutual?
"When he died..." Jim took a deep breath to compose himself. He didn't want Simon to see him lost like this. That made him feel weak and he hated feeling like that. "I couldn't accept it." Jim remembered giving Simon a summary of the vision Blair and he'd shared and said, "I let him die, Simon. I had to bring him back."
"Did you ever talk to Blair about this?" Simon already knew the answer. "You didn't."
"I feel ashamed, Simon. I let Alex Barnes murder him!" Agitated, Jim got up from the couch and paced the living room, feeling caged, feeling trapped. "And I wanted her... wanted her on the beach. I almost let her kill Blair all over again! She drew my gun!"
"But you stopped her," Simon whispered. "Why is this so hard on you?"
"You're right," Jim said resolved. "I lost him once and then I let him slip away again. Look around, Simon. I found his stuff still packed in his room. We never unpacked his things! What kind of message did I give him? Be careful or you'll find yourself homeless again?"
Simon realized he wasn't getting through to Jim and emptied his beer. "Talk to the kid, Jim. He'll listen. He loves you."
Those last three words impacted hard. Jim rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I know that, Simon, but..."
"Don't tell me you don't love him back," Simon said determinedly. "I wouldn't believe you."
"I do love him, but like a brother..." Jim started and avoided Simon's piercing eyes. "But he's a guy, Simon. I don't like men in that way. I'm sorry to hurt Blair's feelings, but I can't pretend..."
"I never knew you were prejudiced," Simon whispered surprised.
"I don't have a problem with gay couples, but personally, I don't swing that way, Simon." Jim bit his lower lip. "I don't want to hurt his feelings, but... knowing he loves me like that makes me uncomfortable."
"So," Simon summarized. "If Blair were a woman everything would be just fine?" He couldn't believe this!
"We would probably be married by now," Jim chuckled, "But Blair is a guy and... that makes it impossible."
Simon had heard enough. This was something Jim had to work on. No one could help him with this. "Jim," he said as he got his coat. "I've got a cousin. His name is David and he's gay. When I met his boyfriend for the first time I felt awkward, but then I saw how happy they were. Now, three years later they're still together. You might be throwing something very valuable and unique away here because of this gender thing."
Jim shrugged his shoulders. "I can't change who I am, Simon. I'm straight."
Simon decided to drop this topic for now. Jim would eventually realize that he was fooling himself. Maybe Ellison just needed time. "But ask yourself this, Jim. Can you live without him?" After uttering those last words he stepped into the corridor to head back home. He needed some sleep and a decent meal. As he looked over his shoulder, he noticed the confusion on Jim's face and that pleased him. //Good, think about it!//
Jim watched him leave and then got himself a second beer. He still needed to unpack that last box and put Blair's books back. Refusing to think any longer about Simon's warning he set out to finish his job.
///
"Blair?" Doctor Cagedy smiled, seeing that his patient was awake. Studying the blue eyes he realized that they were lucid. He'd reduced the pain meds to make Blair feel more in control. "How are you doing this morning?"
Blair managed a smile. "Better... but the drugs are still in my system," he mumbled fatigued. Yes, he no longer felt groggy, but a pleasant fatigue still crawled through his mind and body. He cocked his head, trying to lock eyes with Cagedy. He liked the elderly physician. Cagedy had also treated him after he'd drowned.
Cagedy's eyes told Blair that the older man was upset and he had a pretty good idea why. "I'm sorry about not taking the meds, but..." His voice faltered. His jaw still hurt and every time he breathed in too deeply, his ribs ached in protest. "I didn't have the time."
"You didn't have the time to take the meds?" Cagedy shook his head. "That's a lie, young man. I told you how important it was to take them." He walked over to the bed and examined his patient's vitals. "You lost weight." It wasn't a question. It was a statement. "You need to eat meals on a regular basis, or don't you have the time to do that either?"
"Things have been crazy," Blair offered apologetically and whimpered painfully as the doctor's hands moved over his cracked ribs, which were tightly bandaged. "And right now someone is really mad with me. He had me beat up, you know?"
Cagedy recognized the attempt to distract him and didn't give in. "Where was your partner Ellison when this happened? When they brought you in after the drowning he seemed upset."
"Jim has... more important things to do than sit at my bedside. He's a cop," Blair whispered, trying to hide the pain in his tone.
But Cagedy heard it. "I know cops," he started, "and they care about their partners."
"I don't want to talk about it," Blair said at last. "I feel tired." He wanted Cagedy off his back. Knowing Jim didn't care enough about him to stay at his side hurt.
"You still need to take your meds," Cagedy gently reminded him and presented them to his patient. "Drink the water and swallow them."
"First, I want to know what I'm taking," Blair said stubbornly. "And I want to know when you'll let me go."
Cagedy sighed distressed. "I'm keeping you here for now, Blair. I need to know you're going to follow my instructions when I release you." He sat down on the side of the bed and gently pulled Blair into a sitting position.
"Ouch," Blair moaned as his ribs acted up. He hurt in places he never knew existed! They'd really done a number on him! "The meds?" he reminded Cagedy.
"I prescribed an anti-depressive after the drowning," he repeated earlier given information. "Most patients that had a near death experience need it. Also, I added something to stop your lungs from congesting. You have been coughing. I read the nurse's report and I know it hurts."
Blair didn't have the strength to deny it. Yes, he'd started to cough last night and his ribs hadn't liked the abuse. "What else?" he asked, realizing Cagedy was holding out three capsules.
"Vitamins, Blair. You need to start eating again. You're underweight." Cagedy placed the meds on his patient's tongue and then assisted him in drinking the water. "Is there anything I can do to help?" He knew there was an underlying reason for Blair's rebellious behavior, but couldn't force the issue.
"Just tell me when you're going to release me," Blair said resigned. He sighed relieved when Cagedy helped him to lie back down. His eyes were already closing and he felt tired.
"You're going to stay here for at least 24 hours Blair," Cagedy repeated. "You need to heal. I can also recommend a good counselor who has experience with people who have been clinically dead."
"I don't need a shrink." Blair's voice sounded stern. He could never explain the vision of wolf and panther merging, bringing him back. Only Jim could understand and Jim refused to discuss it. "But I would like to make a phone call." Even though he felt exhausted, his mind was still working.
"Blair," Cagedy said chidingly. "You need rest."
"I know that." Blair looked into Cagedy's eyes. "I want to make some arrangements. I know some monks and... San Sebastian's is the perfect place to rest." He couldn't bear the thought of returning to the loft. His stuff was still stored in the corner of his room. The boxes were an ever-present reminder of his failure. //Not to mention that I can't look Jim in the eyes right now.//
"In that case I'll make an exception. I'll make sure you get access to that phone." Cagedy wondered about his young patient. "Just take good care of yourself, Blair."
"I'll try," he promised without commitment. After the doctor had left his room, he closed his eyes, trying to form some kind of plan. No, he wasn't going back to the loft. He would give Jim what the man obviously wanted, his private space and his life back. For three years he'd thought of the loft as home, of Jim as home and now he realized the lie. He'd been fooling himself. Jim had merely allowed him to stay, had tolerated his presence.
It was time to re-evaluate his life and his priorities. His life could no longer include Jim. He had to start all over again.
///
Jim stalled, hovering near the entrance to the waiting area. He wanted Blair back home at the loft badly. He wanted Blair to see that his personal belongings were back in place. But he didn't know how to say the words and Jim hoped that his actions would speak for him once Blair would enter the loft. //But what if he doesn't want to come home?// The question continued to haunt him, fearing Blair's possible answer.
Keeping Simon's words in mind he finally pushed himself to enter Blair's room. His friend's battered form shocked him. Simon had told him that Blair looked bad, but he'd never expected it to be this bad! Blair's face was covered in bruises and the cut above his left eyes had needed stitches. Blair lay silent in bed, deeply asleep.
Jim grew angry with himself. Why hadn't he been there to stop them? When had he started to find it normal that they were apart? In the past Blair would have accompanied him on that stakeout, and he would have joined Blair to get that newspaper and some magazines. Leaning against the doorway he tried to slow down the pounding of his heart.
Slowly, he approached the bed. Blair needed rest and he just wanted to sit there to take in Blair's bruised face. He should have been there to protect his guide!
Intense feelings of protectiveness and love washed through him and they stunned him. Hesitantly, he touched the bruised face and immediately pulled back as a tortured moan escaped Blair's lips. Even in spite of the pain meds Blair was still in pain.
"I'm sorry, Chief," he offered softly now that Blair couldn't hear him. "I failed you again. You're better off without me." He was so focused on his guide that he didn't hear Cagedy's footsteps.
"Detective Ellison?"
Jim spun around at the unexpected sound. "Doctor Cagedy."
"We need to talk. Would you please follow me to my office?" Cagedy had heard Ellison's muttered words before he'd entered Blair's room and wanted to address this. Blair would need a lot of support and Ellison was the only one who could give it.
Reluctantly, Jim gave in and followed the doctor outside. "Blair looks better."
"He's healing," Cagedy clarified. "But it's only the first step." They arrived at his office and he gestured Ellison to take a seat. He slipped behind the desk and clasped his hands. "I expected you sooner."
Feeling distinctly uncomfortable Jim tried to act composed. "I had to take care of some things," he said eventually. "What do you want to talk to me about?"
"Blair hasn't been taking his meds and now he got beat up only weeks after drowning. His body is severely weakened and he still hasn't dealt with dying. I understand that the two of you live together?"
"Yes." His discomfort continued to grow and Jim wished Cagedy would hurry this up.
"I want you to keep an eye on him. It's vital that he takes those meds and starts eating again. When he gets home he needs bed rest. Are you willing to look after him?"
Jim swallowed hard. He should have known this was coming. Why did it make him feel uneasy? //Because now you'll have to face your feelings for him. Yeah, you can tell Simon that you aren't interested in men and that might even be true, but you are interested in Blair Sandburg! Admit it. You don't feel complete when he isn't close!//
Irritated by this chiding voice in the back of his head, Jim focused on the doctor again. "I'll take care of Blair."
"Good, then maybe you can talk him out of leaving Cascade tomorrow. I don't want to release him yet, but I can't force him to stay." Cagedy smiled smugly now that he'd achieved his goal.
"Leave Cascade?" Jim echoed stunned. //But he doesn't have a place to go! Maybe Naomi is picking him up? No, we tried to contact her, but she returned none of the calls. So where can he be headed? I don't want him to go!//
Cagedy realized that Blair hadn't confided in Jim yet and pushed back the urge to tell the detective all he knew. But Blair was entitled to his privacy and he couldn't inform Ellison about personal matters without permission. "You should talk to him. Convince him to stay home in bed."
"That's going to be hard," Jim moaned and was relieved to see the understanding expression in Cagedy's eyes. "Blair's stubborn."
"But right now he doesn't have his best interests in mind, please remember that, detective Ellison. Now, why don't you go and visit him? I've got this feeling he really wants to see you."
Jim managed to hide his pain at hearing those words. He should never have run from the hospital. He should have stayed instead of Simon. He'd screwed up again. Blair had called it fear-based response ... and he couldn't seem to shake that habit. He should have taken Blair up on the offer to help him deal with that fear, but he'd refused, had denied that his decisions were fear based. He should have trusted his guide. Now, he might not be able to fix the damage.
///
Cagedy left Jim at Blair's bedside and Jim straddled a chair, observing the younger man. Every time Blair tried to move a frown of pain surfaced on his brow. The sting of failure pressed deeper, making Jim feel incompetent. He feared the moment Blair would open his eyes because he didn't know what expression they would possess. Did Blair blame him?
Blair's eyes fluttered open, then closed again and Jim steeled himself for that one glance that would tell him how his friend felt. They had been best friends once and knowing that Sandburg had a crush on him didn't make this easier. "Blair? Can you hear me?" he said, deciding he had to take that first step.
Jim's voice startled him, as he never expected it. Blair finally opened his eyes, but stared at the ceiling, trying to find the best way to act around Jim. "Hi there," he whispered eventually, still avoiding Jim's eyes. Thankfully, the meds took the edge off his pain.
Jim's eyes drifted to the IV. On their way back, Cagedy'd explained to him what kind of meds Blair was being fed, also warning him that the younger man might be groggy. "The doctor says that you're going to make a full recovery... Darwin," he added the nickname on purpose, trying to break the tension between them. He wanted that familiar verbal bantering back!
"Yeah, he told me the same thing." Blair finally felt brave enough to face Jim. Their eyes met and Blair flinched seeing the masked expression in them. Jim wasn't giving much away. "Shouldn't you be somewhere? Simon mentioned a stakeout," he whispered, trying not to inhale too deeply. He felt awfully vulnerable.
"H and Rafe got it covered. I had to see you," Jim replied honestly. "Simon is also working on nailing Ventriss."
Blair wished he could shrug his shoulders. "I really don't care."
Blair's remark alarmed him. "What's going on, buddy? I thought you'd be howling mad at Ventriss and now you don't care?" Blair reverting his eyes startled him. Blair was retreating, increasing the emotional distance between them. Jim decided not to push and instead he said, "Cagedy told me that I can take you home tomorrow evening."
Blair carefully avoided making eye contact with Jim. "I want to stay here."
"What?" Perplexed, Jim's eyes grew big. "You hate hospitals!"
//Right now I hate being at the loft even more,// Blair thought saddened. "Why don't you go back to work, Jim? I need more sleep." Demonstratively, he closed his eyes and pretended to fall asleep again.
But Sentinel senses couldn't be fooled. "You mentioned to Cagedy that you want to leave tomorrow. Where else would you want to go but home?" Jim saw the pain his words caused and he mentally kicked himself. "Blair, the loft will always be your home. I unpacked your stuff and..."
Blair cut him short. "Jim, the loft is your home. I don't feel comfortable there any more. Yes, I'm leaving tomorrow, but I'm not going back to the loft."
Jim's hands changed into tight fists. "Chief?" He wasn't hearing this.
"I already made all necessary arrangements... maybe you can bring in my backpack? Otherwise I'll ask Simon if he can pick it up. He stayed all night, you know. When I woke up he and Megan were here."
Jim expected to hear accusation in Blair's tone, but all he got was sadness and disappointment, mixed in with final resignation. "Chief, I spent last night unpacking your things. I want you to come home with me."
"Why? Why would I do that?" Blair glared at him. His tight hold on his emotions slipped. "You kicked me out, never unpacked my stuff and ignored me when I moved back in. It's obvious that you don't want me there. It's time to move on Jim, and I'm moving on!" Speaking had exhausted him and he leaned heavily into the pillows, trying to catch his breath and cursing his cracked ribs.
"Blair..."
"No, I'm cutting you free, like you always wanted. My week is up and I'm getting out of your hair." One week... that one week had turned out to be three years and most of that time he'd loved being Jim's roommate, but not any longer. It was bad enough that he was in love with Jim, knowing the man was straight... it was even worse to beg for his attention.
Jim was completely stunned. "Blair, please..." But he recognized the look in Blair's eyes. "Don't do this."
"I have to, Jim and now... please leave me alone!" His tone balanced on the edge of losing control. "Just go away."
Defeated, Jim rose from his chair and stumbled out of the room. He didn't even register Blair's soft choked sobs.
//It's better this way, man,// Blair thought resolved. //Believe me, it's better this way. You no longer need me and I don't have the strength to fight for your affection when you can't love me back. I'm exhausted.// Blair closed his eyes and allowed his tears to slither down his cheeks. "It's over."
///
Simon put down the phone, feeling more than just a little worried. Jim was supposed to come in today after talking to Blair, but so far no one had seen the detective. Looking at his wristwatch he realized that it was 5 PM already and Jim should have been here at 2. He'd just tried to call Jim at the loft, as the detective wasn't answering the cell phone.
As he walked over to the doorway, he picked up his coat and slipped into it. He really didn't have the time to get personally involved. Not now this crime wave had hit Cascade, but Jim and Blair were friends and they apparently needed someone to put them back on the right track.
After telling his secretary that he was heading out, he walked to the garage and got into his car. First, he would drive to the loft, hoping Jim was there. Next stop would be Cascade General Hospital to check on Blair. Damn, why were the two men making this so hard on themselves?
He mentally replayed his conversation with Jim earlier at the loft. Jim suppressing his feelings for Blair was typical Ellison repressive behavior. Simon understood that Jim had probably been shocked when he'd realized that he was attracted to a man, but... "If Blair were a woman they would be married!" he summarized their talk.
"Newsflash, Jim. Blair's a guy and you better hold onto him. He's the best thing that ever happened to you." He still remembered the days when Caroline and Jim had been married and those hadn't been happy days.
After arriving at the loft Simon left his car and headed upstairs. First, he knocked, but the spare key Jim had given him a long time ago was already in his hand. "Jim? Open the door!" He didn't know for certain Jim was home, but his instincts told him to make sure. After using the key to open the door he quickly stepped inside. His eyes swept through the living area and he sucked in his breath, seeing Jim seated on the couch, definitely zoning.
"Damn!" he cursed. Hopefully, he could pull Jim out of the zone out, but he wished Sandburg were here. The young anthropologist was the only one who could truly reach Jim when he was in a deep zone.
Worried, he strode over to the couch and sat down. He grabbed Jim's shoulders and shook his detective. "Jim, come out of it! Snap out of it!" How did Sandburg handle this? Seeing Jim like this scared Simon and he wondered if Blair ever got frightened as well. "Jim!"
Luckily, Jim recognized the voice. Briefly, he'd hoped Sandburg had returned to his side, but Simon's voice was powerful enough to pull him out of the zone out. "Shit, what happened?" he whispered and leaned back into the pillows of the couch. "What's the time?"
Simon sighed relieved, wiping the sweat from his brow. He was gaining a newfound respect for Blair Sandburg. //I really underestimated what he goes through being Jim's guide!// Simon recomposed himself and replied, "It's five thirty, Jim. What's the last thing you remember? When did you start to zone?"
"When I got home at 1300 hours," Jim muttered tired.
Simon shook his head. "Jim, you've been out of it for over 4 hours! What triggered it?" Simon couldn't hide his worry. Zoning out for that long couldn't be healthy! He retrieved a blanket stuffed away underneath the sofa and covered his detective's cold body with it. "What's going on, Jim? Want me to call Sandburg?"
"No," Jim replied resolved, knowing only too well what had caused this particular zone out. "Blair's leaving Cascade. He's not coming back to the loft." Seeing Simon's surprised expression he felt compelled to explain. "I took your advice and went to the hospital. Had a talk with Cagedy and assured the doctor that I would take care of Blair and then... Blair woke up and... he refused to even look at me. In the end he told me he was cutting me free, letting me go. He feels like he needs to get out of my hair! Claims he overstayed his welcome!"
Tremors shook Jim's voice and Simon knew he had to act carefully. "What did you say?"
"That I want him back at the loft. That I unpacked his stuff and... he basically said that it was too late. That I don't really want him here. Damn, Simon, he looked so tired, so resigned and at the same time a fire burned in his eyes. I couldn't change his mind."
"Did you tell him that you need him?" Simon walked into the kitchen and started some coffee, deciding against giving Jim a beer to settle his nerves.
"I can't tell him that!" Jim choked out, pulling the blanket close to his trembling body. He felt sick and wondered if the rest of his life would be like this now Blair was gone. The loneliness was already building and he was losing control!
"Jim, is this because Blair is a man?" Simon handed him a steaming mug of coffee and encouraged Jim to take a sip.
And for the first time Jim started to question his motives. Was it because Blair was a man? "I don't know, Simon."
"Jim, when you're in love with a person, gender shouldn't matter." Simon felt like talking to Daryl, giving his son the facts of life. "True love is rare. You don't run away from it because that person has the wrong gender."
Jim smiled brightly. "I never knew you're this open minded, Simon."
Simon shrugged his shoulders. "You know, if it hadn't been for my cousin David I might never have developed this insight. You only need to answer one question, Jim. Do you love him? Are you in love with him?"
Jim almost automatically wanted to say no. //No, I'm not in love with Blair,// but he couldn't speak the words, couldn't lie to Simon. "What if I love him, Simon?"
"Then get your ass over to Cascade General Hospital and stop him from leaving town. Tell him that you love him and need him. Blair needs a reason to stay and you know it!" Simon emptied his own cup of coffee and felt like he was finally making progress with Jim.
"Shit, you're right. I can't let him leave!" The revelation was sudden. "I don't want to live like this. Don't want to live without Blair." He threw off the blanket and hurried to put on his shoes. "I just never realized how much... geez, I'm a dumbfuck! I would have let him leave Cascade! How can I be so stupid!"
Simon watched him with obvious amusement. "Are you going to tell him that?"
"That I need him? Fuck yes..." Jim struggled to his feet, head reeling from revelation. "And we'll deal with the gender thing. I mean, you're right." Suddenly, he regained control over his emotions. "I can't believe I let it matter that he's a guy."
Pleased, Simon got to his feet as well and opened the front door for his friend. "Stop wasting time and tell Blair." Briefly, he was tempted to tag along, curious to see Blair's reaction when Jim finally admitted the truth, but then decided against it. "Don't be too hard on yourself, Jim. Just make it work!"
"Thanks, Simon," Jim stated gratefully and rested his hand on his captain's arm. "I would have made the biggest mistake of my life if it hadn't been for you. Thanks for kicking my ass."
Simon uncovered a cigar and grinned smugly. As Jim hurried down the stairs he took in the tantalizing tobacco scent. "I'm going to have fun with these two!" he whispered amused, trying to imagine the two men hovering over each other at work and wasn't there someone who'd bet Jim and Blair would become a couple this month? He had to check on that. There were a few hundred dollars at stake here! What date had he picked? Marching back to his car he felt extremely pleased.
///
"Blair, please reconsider." Doctor Cagedy knew that he was fighting a lost battle. Blair's mind was made up. "You're making a mistake." His hands automatically reached out to support the young man, who was struggling to get out of bed. The IV had been disconnected two hours ago, but the pain meds were still making his patient groggy.
"Blair, you need to stay in bed and rest!" Letting Blair leave the hospital went against everything he believed in, but he couldn't force Blair to stay now that the young man had signed his own release papers, taking full responsibility for his actions.
Blair tried to regulate his breathing as he placed his feet on the floor. Fuck, his ankle hurt and his equilibrium was way off. Cagedy was probably right, but he couldn't stay! Ignoring the uncomfortable medical gown he managed to grab the sweats that Megan had brought in this morning. He hadn't told her why he needed them. She'd just bought them and he felt grateful that she hadn't bombarded him with questions.
"Where do you think you're going in this condition? You can't drive and merely sitting in the car will deteriorate your condition!" Cagedy shook his head and lowered Blair back onto the bed.
Blair reluctantly sat down and struggled to put on the sweat pants. "Please, doctor. I can't stay," he mumbled saddened. "I'll take all the meds you want, but I've got to leave Cascade!" Panic took over. It had been hard enough to tell Jim that he was leaving. Hearing that Jim had finally unpacked his stuff had given him hope, but he couldn't chase a dream for another 3 years!
"Blair, you need medical supervision. You need counseling. Taking your meds is just a small part of the complete treatment." Cagedy sighed and helped Blair to put on the sweater. "Look, Blair. You can't even leave this room on your own. You need help."
"I know that!" Blair hissed in panic. "But staying will only make this worse." He closed his eyes in an attempt to block out the pain that rose from his abused ribs. His temples throbbed as well. Fever was building and rationally he knew he should stay in the hospital. "Listen, doctor. I won't be alone. Someone is picking me up and I won't do any driving."
"Blair, you're in no condition to travel." Cagedy felt frustrated now that he was unable to change Blair's mind. He tried to add up everything he knew and finally he whispered, "What are you running away from? I don't know you like this."
Blair cringed as he realized his sprained ankle no longer fit his shoe. "I'm not running away," he stated. "It's time to move on!" But envisioning a life without Jim seemed empty and not worth living. However, it was another reason why he had to straighten out his life. He had to retake control.
"At least let me get your prescriptions filled before you leave, Blair." Cagedy resigned himself to the fact that Blair wasn't giving in. "And I want to talk to the person picking you up to give him explicit instructions on how to administer the meds and care for you. Is it detective Ellison?" he asked hopefully.
"No," Blair barely managed a whisper. "It's not Jim."
"Brother Blair?"
The voice took Cagedy aback and he frowned as he turned around to face the visitor. Surprised, he looked at the monks hovering near the doorway. "And you are...?"
"I'm brother Jeremy," Jeremy introduced himself. His worried eyes traveled to Blair's forced smile. "We'll take good care of him, doctor." What had happened here?
Yes, almost 2 years had passed since he'd last seen Blair, but... "Are you sure you're up to the journey, Blair?" he asked seeing the extensive injuries. Blair had mentioned on the phone that he had been injured, but Jeremy had never realized it was this bad.
But Blair had called him instead of just disappearing from Cascade and it was his holy duty to help Blair. Jeremy walked over to the bed and looked deeply into worried blue eyes. "We'll look after you."
Brother Frederick felt a bit more hesitant to approach Blair, but followed his abbot's lead. "Blair," he whispered emphatically.
Cagedy felt relieved, knowing that these monks apparently cared for his patient. "I'm going to get the prescriptions filled and I'll bring back a wheel chair. Try not to overdo it, Blair."
"Doctor? A word please?" Jeremy followed Cagedy into the corridor, gesturing Frederick to stay with Blair. After making sure that Blair no longer heard them he asked, "Doctor, what can you tell me?"
Cagedy quickly updated the abbot and also mentioned his concern. "You need to keep a close eye on him."
Jeremy tried to comprehend what Cagedy'd told him. "He died?"
"Yes, a few weeks ago he drowned and 48 hours ago he was beaten up and... now he's running away from whatever frightens him." Cagedy handed Jeremy the bottles filled with the prescribed meds and thoughtfully rubbed his brow. "I expected Jim Ellison to pick him up."
Jeremy remembered the cop only too well. He rather liked the stubborn detective. "Does he know Blair's leaving?"
"I don't think so. When Ellison visited Blair things seemed strained. Maybe a short time apart will help?"
Jeremy didn't really like this news, but couldn't deny Blair. "We'll take him to St. Sebastian's and make sure he heals. Can I call you should he grow worse?"
"Of course," Cagedy assured him. "See to it that he takes his meds and rests a lot. Put him to bed the moment you arrive and keep him there for at least a week."
"Complete bed rest," Jeremy repeated the instruction. "Anything else?"
"Tell him to eat. He needs to gain weight."
"It will be done."
Jeremy and Cagedy returned to Blair's room and studied the young man who was about to fall asleep again. Jeremy understood Cagedy's concern only too well. Blair should be resting, not traveling. "Are you ready to go, Blair?"
Cagedy thanked the nurse for bringing in the wheel chair and assisted by Jeremy, he helped Blair sit down in it. Blair looked awfully pale and tiny tremors rocked his body. "You're developing a fever, young man. I strongly advice against this."
"Noted," Blair whispered exhausted. "Brother Jeremy? Can we go now?" He'd already thanked the abbot on the phone when Jeremy'd assured him they would come to Cascade to take him back to St. Sebastian's. It was the only place he could think of where he could heal, except for Peru, but traveling there wasn't an option right now.
Frederick accepted the blanket the nurse offered him and draped it over Blair's knees, carefully tucking it in. Blair's eyes closed due to exhaustion and Frederick wondered if they were making the right decision.
"Doctor, thank you for looking after him," Jeremy said softly and gestured Frederick that they were leaving. "I'll call you should his condition deteriorate."
Cagedy watched them leave, wishing he knew of a way to convince Blair to stay. As the two monks and their precious charge disappeared from view, he headed back to his office.
///
Jim dashed through the corridors, almost running to Blair's room when he suddenly halted in his tracks. Something was wrong, very wrong. He couldn't smell Blair's scent and his heartbeat was gone as well.
"Blair?" he whispered, fighting a starting panic. Was he too late? Blair had mentioned leaving the hospital today, but Jim had assumed Cagedy would stop his patient!
As he reached Blair's former room, he swallowed hard. The room was empty and deserted. Blair's scent was nearly gone and he stared at the empty bed. "No," he moaned distressed. "No, can't be too late! Damn you, Blair! You can't do this to me!"
Next, his instincts kicked in. //Find out where he went, track him down, and locate him. Talk to him!// First, he would talk to Cagedy. The doctor probably knew where to find Blair!
As he stalked the corridors he remembered where Cagedy's office was situated and he walked inside without knocking. "Where's Blair?"
Cagedy gestured him to sit down. "I've been expecting you, detective." Damn, this wouldn't be easy. "Blair left about 90 minutes ago."
"Where can I find him?" Jim refused to sit down. Instead, he impatiently paced the small office. "Why did you let him go?" All of a sudden panic overwhelmed him. He remembered the deserted loft, remembered his fear when he was home alone, zoning. "I need him!"
Feeling sympathetic, Cagedy locked eyes with the detective. "Blair asked me to keep his destination confidential and I can't break his trust. But believe me, he's in capable hands."
Cagedy's answer infuriated him. The only capable hands were his! "Where is he?"
"I can't tell you. You're a detective, track him down." Cagedy studied the cop and wondered what this was about. Putting two and two together he took an educated guess. "You're in love with him."
"Yeah," Jim growled, "And I want him back!"
"Why didn't you tell him?" Suddenly, Blair's depressed behavior made sense. "He told me you no longer wanted him around."
Jim bit his lip in order not to curse. "I came here to tell him how I really feel and now he's gone!"
"You can find him," Cagedy assured him.
"Great," Jim remarked sarcastically and looked at Cagedy with dismay. "Don't help me then. I'll find him anyway!" Jim stormed out of Cagedy's office, not willing to waste a single moment. "Blair, I'm coming to get you and we're going to talk this through for once and for all!"
///
Jeremy and Frederick exchanged concerned glances. Blair sat in the back of the car, partially stretched out and deeply asleep, oblivious to his surroundings. Jeremy spoke first. "It's our duty to care for him, no matter what reasons are driving him away from Cascade. We can't ask. Curiosity is a vice."
Frederick sighed. "But what about detective Ellison? They seemed such good friends!"
"We don't know what happened and it isn't our business," Jeremy repeated. "Did you study the doctor's instructions?"
"Yes, brother Blair has to take these meds every 12 hours. I'll make sure he takes them."
"Good," Jeremy stated and quickly glanced at their guest. "He doesn't look well."
"Why does he want to come to St. Sebastian's?" Frederick wondered.
"That, my brother, we'll find out."
///
10 hours later they arrived at the monastery. The rest of the brothers already expected them. Jeremy told them to return to their duties and that Frederick and he would care for their guest. In the end, only one person remained standing near the doorway.
"Brother Marcus," Jeremy said, keeping up appearances. Although most brothers knew Marcus was Jackie Kozinski, he didn't want to advertise their past. "Blair will need your support." His friend had taken an immediate liking to the young Blair Sandburg when the anthropologist had first visited the monastery.
Marcus descended down the stairs and shook his head. "Who did this to him?" He knew that there were sinister elements that were capable of harming even the most innocent. "I'll carry him," he offered and gently pushed his arms beneath Blair's knees and back.
Blair moaned at the unexpected movement and his eyes flashed open. For a long moment he didn't remember where he was, but then he looked into Marcus' eyes and calmed down. "Hello again," he whispered, trying hard to ignore the ache moving through his body. "Tried to write this time. I promise. Did you get that card I sent you?"
Marcus heard the rambling and wondered about the younger man. He saw changes etched onto the brow and reflected in haunted eyes. "I received that card, yes." Carefully, he carried the younger man through the corridors, noticing the shivers that moved through the abused body. "You didn't bring your friend this time?"
Blair quickly closed his eyes, afraid Marcus would read the truth there. "He's busy."
Marcus decided not to push. Blair would tell him once he was ready. "We put you in your old cell." He nodded thankfully as Frederick opened the door and slowly, he lowered Blair onto the bed. "We'll get more blankets. You feel cold, Blair."
Frederick placed the meds on the table in front of the window and then hurried to the kitchen to fetch Blair some soup, remembering Cagedy's instruction to make sure the young man ate. He returned to Blair's room a few minutes later, carrying a hot bowl of vegetable soup and a slice of freshly baked bread.
Blair gave him a warm smile, but his stomach was already doing somersaults. "I'm not sure I can eat that. I want to," he quickly clarified, as he got some disapproving looks. "But I don't feel that great."
"Just try." Frederick handed Marcus the soup and bread and then unpacked the bag with the clothes Blair had worn when he had been admitted to the hospital.
Marcus sat down on the bed, helped Blair into an upright position and gently clasped the young man's fingers around the soup bowl. "Slowly," he warned.
Blair managed to swallow a few sips of soup, but then gave up. "My jaw hurts."
"Come on, young man. You can do better than this," Marcus said warmly and succeeded in feeding Blair pieces of the bread, which he dipped in the soup first.
Blair wanted to protest again, but Marcus' eyes told him not to bother, so he obediently finished the soup. "Thanks," he whispered softly. It felt good to be among friends who cared for him.
Jeremy entered the cell, carrying extra blankets and put them down onto the bed. "Is there anything we can do for you, Blair?"
"I need to use the bathroom," Blair admitted slightly embarrassed. "Sorry for being a nuisance."
"You're not a nuisance," Marcus quickly corrected him. "I'll help you." Together, they made their way over to the bathroom and once Blair was safely inside, Marcus waited for him in the corridor. Jeremy joined him and their looks made words redundant. Marcus simply nodded his head, assuring Jeremy that Blair was in good hands and then Jeremy returned to his study.
"Marcus?" Blair whispered barely audible. After relieving himself he'd managed to wash his hands, but he'd exhausted himself. Leaning heavily against the wall he tried not to slide down onto the cold floor. But the door opened and for a moment, he thought it was Jim rushing inside to pick him up. But it was Marcus who carried him back to his cell.
"You're scaring me, Blair," Marcus admitted as he stripped the younger man. The sweats were drenched in sweat and he quickly pulled up the warm blankets to cocoon the trembling cold body in. "Shouldn't you be in the hospital?"
"I was," Blair confessed, "But I couldn't stay there. It's so good to be back!" An unexpected coughing fit doubled him over and he clutched his waist, trying to stabilize his cracked ribs.
Marcus reached out and retrieved the meds. Quickly, he read the detailed instructions. Without speaking another word he filled a glass with water, took out the pills he needed and forced Blair to swallow them. "No games, Blair. You came here to heal and we're going to make sure you recover."
A silly smile flashed across Blair's face. "Yes, daddy," he whispered cheerfully. He always felt cherished when brother Marcus was close and the warmth the older man radiated reminded him of... reminded him of... Fuck, he didn't want to remember the name! He didn't want to feel the pain of separation!
"Try to sleep. One of us will always be close to check on you," Marcus said concerned, making sure Blair rested comfortably. "Anything else, Blair?"
"Just thanks for having me here," Blair mumbled, already dozing off. The journey had drained him.
Marcus watched him until he was certain that Blair was soundly asleep and then tiptoed outside. He left the door open so they would hear any sounds of distress. Brother Theodore was already walking up to him. They'd agreed to take turns to sit with Blair until his condition had improved.
He showed Theodore the meds and informed him of their guest's condition. As he walked back to his work area, he wondered what had happened between Jim Ellison and Blair to ruin an apparently very deep friendship. Looked like he would have to wait for Blair to open up to them.
///
"Simon, I need time off," Jim announced in a stern tone as he entered the office. "I need to find Blair." Jim sat on the edge of the desk, trying to act in a controlled manner. Inwardly, his chaotic emotions made it hard to think lucid.
"Tell me," Simon encouraged, leaning back into the comfort of his chair. He definitely liked the determined expression in his friend's eyes. //Took Jim long enough to figure this one out!//
"Doctor Cagedy didn't want to release him from hospital, but -like always- Blair ignored that advice. Cagedy told me specifically that Blair was in good hands and that I could find him. He said that for a reason. I'm going back to the hospital later to question the nurses and security. Someone must have seen Blair leave." Jim crossed his arms in front of his chest. "He's going to be sorry he ran when I find him!"
"Good, Jim. I like the new attitude," Simon quipped. "Take the time off you need. Just let me know if you're making progress. I worry about the kid as well." He didn't doubt that Jim would track Sandburg down. "And this time, don't screw up, Jim. Tell the kid what he needs to hear!"
"I will, Simon," Jim promised. "You know... it's strange...." He faltered, unsure whether the captain wanted to hear about his personal revelations. "But I miss Blair."
"So do I," Simon assured him. "But it's a shame it took you this long to realize that."
"The loft feels empty. It's no longer home. Sometimes I can hear the echo of his voice or laughter and... there's barely enough scent of Blair left in his room to convince me he once lived there."
"All your senses are focused on him, Jim. Tell me something I don't know yet," Simon said mildly joking. "You should see the way you react when he's trying to pull you out of a zone. Blair's voice is the only thing you react to."
"I've got to find him, Simon," Jim repeated resolved, fighting his growing discomfort. Now that Blair was gone he felt empty and drained. "Is it okay when I call it a day?" After questioning the security at the hospital he planned on heading back to the loft to get some sleep. "I'll be leaving tomorrow morning." No matter where Blair went, he would follow.
"You'll find him," Simon said knowingly. "But don't be too hard on the kid. He's been through a lot lately and don't worry about Ventriss. I'm working on that."
"Thanks, Simon." Jim walked to the doorway, opened the door, but hesitated before stepping outside. "I'll make sure Blair calls you after we talked."
"You do that." Simon smiled as Jim closed the door behind him. "I almost gave up on you, Jimmy, but hell, you came through." Looking at a picture of Daryl, he hoped Jim would find Blair quickly.
///
"How's he doing?" Brother Frederick peeked inside, waiting for Theodore's answer. Blair was soundly asleep underneath the pile of warm blankets. Sleep was the best medicine right now.
Theodore smiled. "He's resting, brother." It was no secret that Blair had managed to find a way into their hearts during his short visits over the years. "Hopefully, he'll stay asleep for the rest of the night." Most of the monks were already asleep and he got to his feet to allow Frederick to take his seat.
Frederick snuck over to the chair and sat down, opening the bible he'd brought along. It was after midnight and tonight he would keep a vigil at Blair's side. He planned on using that time to study the Holy Scripture as well and later he would also pray for Blair's recovery. Brother Marcus would relieve him in 8 hours. Until then, Blair was his responsibility.
Brother Theodore silently left the room and returned to his cell to catch up on some much needed sleep.
Frederick tried to concentrate on the words, but his eyes continued to drift off to the young man in the bed to make sure Blair's sleep was undisturbed. Blair mumbled in his sleep, but Frederick couldn't understand the whispered words. Instinctively, he got up and tucked the blankets closer around the sleeping form. The muttering stopped and Frederick finally managed to focus on his reading.
Blair however was dreaming. His subconscious was trying hard to deal with all the changes in his life, trying to find some sort of consolation. It was odd, but Blair knew he was dreaming when he recognized the fountain in front of him. In the background he saw the loft and to his right the temple in Sierra Verde. Feeling trapped and cornered he whimpered. He really didn't want to be here!
A noise startled him and he turned around to face a possible attacker. Briefly, he feared Alex Barnes had taken to haunt his dreams as well. He'd suffered from nightmares since the fountain, but gratefully he never had to look at her face. Usually, he was fighting for breath, water filling his lungs, suffocating him.
But this time it was different. The splashing sounds of the fountain vanished and instead he was now inside the Peruvian jungle. The bushes to his right moved and he backed away until his back was against the trunk of a tree. His hands clenched the blankets as a wolf revealed itself, stepping away from its hiding place.
Blair fell to his knees, immediately recognizing the animal. It was his spirit guide! The canine walked up to him and then lay down at his feet. Blair opened his arms and pulled it closer, cherishing the warmth it radiated.
In the cell, brother Frederick looked up from the bible and his eyes settled down on Blair, who moved about in bed. "Blair?" he whispered concerned, realizing that the younger man tightly clutched a pillow in his arms. Suddenly he realized why Blair had pulled that pillow close to his chest. "You're not alone, Blair. We're watching over you."
The voice almost faded completely before reaching Blair's ears, but his eyes flashed open. "What... where?" Why wasn't he at the loft? Where was Jim? Staring at the man sitting on the side of his bed, he remembered what had happened. He'd left Cascade and was now at St. Sebastian's Monastery and the monks were taking care of him! "Sorry..." he didn't want to disturb brother Frederick. "Why are you here?"
"We're taking turns sitting with you." Brother Frederick smiled warmly. "Go back to sleep. It's only 1 in the morning."
Blair remembered the soft fur that had caressed his fingertips in his dream. The wolf had kept him company, radiating a promise of protection and finally Blair started to feel safe. "Why don't you get some sleep yourself, brother?" he suggested, mentally cringing at the sound of his hoarse voice.
Brother Frederick noticed it as well. "You need to drink." He filled a glass with water. "Here," he offered it to Blair, but the younger man's fingers refused to function properly. "I'll help you." He pulled his guest into a sitting position and placed the glass at his lips. "Drink."
Thirsty, Blair swallowed every drop and then lay back down in the comfort of the pillows. "I was scared that coming here was a mistake," he admitted unexpectedly, "But I'm glad I'm here."
Frederick made sure that the blankets were back in place and took his seat again. "Sleep. Or the abbot will make sure you do. He has his ways to make you obey," he added teasingly, enjoying the smile that surfaced on Blair's face.
"I don't doubt that," Blair muttered sleepily as he dozed off again. He once again clutched a pillow to his chest, but in his dreams it changed into a wolf that watched over him.
///
Back at the loft Jim packed his duffel. He hadn't gotten any useful information from the security people at the hospital. There had been a lot of traffic and visitors walking in and out when Blair had left so the security cameras hadn't caught his departure. He didn't know where to look next, but trusted his instincts. They would somehow lead him to Blair.
He placed the duffel next to the door and took a seat on the sofa, watching the news and drinking some of Blair's herbal tea. Usually he would opt for beer, but somehow drinking the herbal tea made him feel closer to Sandburg.
The silence in the loft got to him. Yes, the TV produced noise, but that was just background static. What he really needed was Blair's voice to ground him. He'd never realized just how much he subconsciously was tuned in to Blair's presence.
A smile formed on his face as he remembered their first meeting. "Slammed him right against the wall... and then he saved my ass." Zoning in the middle of the street had almost cost him his life. But Blair had been there, had thrown him onto the street. Blair had once told him that the Chinese believed that when you saved someone's life you had to continue to do that.
"But Blair, you're my blessed protector. You saved my life that day." Blair would certainly deny that statement, but Jim knew best how many times Blair had guided him through the mess he called his life.
Feeling lonely, he concentrated on his fond memories... Blair once tried to cure his cold using African rhythms... and he didn't even want to know what Sandburg had cooked for him that evening. Yes, fond memories indeed. He didn't want to remember the bad times, the pain Blair had suffered at the hands of people like Lash, Kincaid or Alex Barnes. Tonight, he needed to hear Blair's laugh...
He dove into their collection of videotapes and eventually found one they had made when Simon had taking them fishing last year. He popped it into the VCR and sat back. His eyes moistened as Blair's face appeared onscreen, holding that ridiculous spear that he'd used to catch fish. As he listened to the verbal bantering, he recognized the look of adoration in Blair's eyes.
How had he missed that expression in the past? Watching the vid, he realized that Blair's eyes always followed him no matter where he went. Shit, he'd really messed this up. He hit the pause button and stared at Blair's beaming face, holding up the fish he'd caught.
//This is too much!// Overwhelmed by sudden sadness and longing he switched the VCR off and decided to turn in early. He needed his rest and maybe, hopefully, he would dream of Blair tonight.
He stepped out of his slacks and threw his shirt on the floor. This meant breaking rule number 23, as Blair would kindly remind him if he had been here, but Jim didn't care. He was about to climb the stairs to the upstairs bedroom, when he suddenly heard an angry growl.
"What the...?" he failed to finish his sentence as he looked up. Near the railing was a black jaguar. His teeth were bared and his yellow eyes flashed with anger. A jaguar? What was a jaguar doing in the loft? Suddenly, he realized what was going on. "My spirit guide." He'd encountered the animal several times and had used the jaguar's power to bring Blair back when he'd drowned. He hadn't seen the animal since. "What do you want?"
The jaguar was furious with the human and released another growl. Due to the human's stubbornness he had to miss his mate's presence. The wolf had left him to comfort the guide and now he was stuck with the Sentinel. Didn't really seem fair. He wanted to curl up next to his mate and the guide! Instead, he was here, trying to show the Sentinel that he didn't agree with the man's actions. And what was the Sentinel still doing here? He should have found his guide by now!
"Hey, easy there," Jim whispered and backed away from the stairs. Normally the jaguar's presence wouldn't upset him, but the animal looked seriously pissed off. The cat jumped and landed on its feet in the living area. "You're angry," Jim offered eventually, wondering if the jaguar would attack him. "I thought my spirit guide was supposed to help me, not attack me!"
//Stupid human,// the jaguar mused and wondered why the Sentinel had chased away the guide. Didn't the man know that Sentinel and Guide were destined to be together for the rest of their lives? The jaguar couldn't imagine existing without its mate. The wolf completed him! Stalking closer, he growled his frustration. At times like these he wished he were capable of human speech!
Jim felt cornered. Although he doubted that the cat really wanted to hurt him, the expression of fury in those yellow eyes got to him. A memory flashed and he dropped to his knees, remembering running after the wolf, trying to catch up with Blair.
Blair had turned around and run towards him and in a moment of total clarity he'd seen and returned the love Blair felt for him. The merge... making that final decision to become one had been Blair's. In the end, Blair had given him this last chance.
"And I fucked up," he whispered lost.
Staring at the jaguar he noticed that the angry expression in those eyes had softened. "I'm sorry. I never wanted him to leave. I'll get him back, I promise!" The jaguar nodded his head and Jim sighed relieved. "You're right, you know. We merged and I never realized what really happened. Blair and I... we're one now..."
//Yes, Sentinel,// the cat replied in thought. //You can't survive without your mate.// The jaguar would never understand why the Sentinel had fought the merge, why he'd refused to become one with his mate. There was so much pleasure in claiming its mate and he purred, remembering the wolf's presence.
"I understand," Jim mumbled. "I'll find him, but I don't know where to look for him! He vanished from the hospital and I... God, I never thought I would miss him this much." His soul was no longer complete now that he missed his other half. "Do you know where to find him?"
The jaguar studied the Sentinel. Should he tell the human that his mate was guarding the guide's life? But he knew the pain of separation and couldn't bear to be away from the wolf much longer. His mate would continue to guard the guide and desert him during that time. The jaguar looked about, trying to think of a way to tell the Sentinel where to look.
"You know, don't you?" Jim realized. "I want him back, please." Holding out his hands, palms up, he beseeched his spirit guide to help him. "I love Blair."
The jaguar reached a decision and leaped off into Blair's room. He couldn't tell the Sentinel verbally to go to St. Sebastian's Monastery, but hopefully... Using his paw to open a drawer he bit into the rosary brother Jeremy had given Blair when they'd left two years ago.
Jim was too impatient to wait for the jaguar's return and got to his feet. He followed his spirit guide and stared blankly at the rosary that dangled from the cat's teeth. "What are you trying to tell me?" He sat down on Blair's bed, wishing the scent in here were stronger and allowed the feline to drop the rosary into his lap.
Why would Blair keep a rosary in his room? Where did he get it? Blair was Jewish, so why... "The monastery?" Looking at the cat for conformation he felt euphoric when the jaguar nodded his head. "He's at St. Sebastian's?"
//Finally!// The jaguar purred in deep contentment. The Sentinel had figured it out. Now he could join his mate and watch over the guide as well. He leaped away from the Sentinel who still stared at the rosary and the jaguar used the spirit plane to travel to his mate.
Jim fumbled the rosary beads, incredibly relieved that he knew Blair's whereabouts. Briefly, he grew angry with the anthropologist for leaving Cascade like this, but... it was his fault that Blair felt like he no longer had a home.
He curled up on Blair's bed, not bothering to walk to the upstairs bedroom. Here, he felt closer to Blair. It was unfortunate that a storm raged outside, making it impossible for him to leave now. He had to wait for the thunderstorm to subdue. But knowing that Blair was safe set his mind at ease.
Tomorrow, he would drive up to the monastery and he would finally tell Blair the truth. He would declare his love and claim Blair Sandburg as his lover. //And then we'll never be apart again, Blair.//
///
Blair wiggled closer to the warmth that had settled down behind him. He peeked one eye open and wasn't surprised to find that brother Frederick had fallen asleep in the chair. No way he would wake the man!
He felt pleasantly warm, no actually he felt hot, and it had something to do with the wolf resting in his arms. The canine's head was tucked away underneath his chin and Blair felt the up and down movement as the wolf breathed deeply. The wolf was snoring in its sleep.
But if the wolf was in his arms, why did he feel something warm against his back as well? There was more movement and he realized that it had woken him in the first place. Careful not to disturb the wolf's sleep, he cocked his head minusculely. His body still hurt and he tried to move about as little as possible.
His breath caught in his throat as he stared into yellow feline eyes. A big black jaguar rested behind him, paws tightly wrapped around his body, making sure he couldn't move much. The cat's head rested on his hipbone and it sounded like... "You're purring!" he whispered stunned.
The jaguar closed his eyes, feeling completely at peace. The guide held his mate and he watched over them both. The silly Sentinel didn't know what he'd almost thrown away. Unexpectedly, fingers stroked his fur and he purred his pleasure. Rubbing his head against the welcome hand, he enjoyed the caress.
Blair smiled. "These pain meds are a lot stronger than I thought. First time I'm having hallucinations, but I like this particular one..." The two hard bodies pressed against his, supported his battered frame and he used them as pillows. "Don't know why you're here guys, but thanks."
The jaguar opened one eye to steal a glance at the guide, wishing he could tell the human to go back to sleep. Blair needed rest!
Blair's smile grew even brighter when a big wet tongue licked his face. "Come on, big guy," he chuckled, eyeing the jaguar, feeling cherished and safe. "Your mate might get jealous."
//Smart human, this guide,// the jaguar mused. //Figured everything out very quickly.// Mate, yes the wolf was his mate and would always be his mate. He reached out with one paw and gently poked his mate, urging him to wake up.
The wolf reluctantly opened his eyes, cursing his mate. He had been soundly asleep in the guide's arms. Looking up at the jaguar, he saw the sadness in his mate's eyes. //The Sentinel will come for the guide. They'll become one,// he told his mate. //Now let me sleep!//
The jaguar shook his head, but gracefully gave in, like he always did. Resting his head once more on the guide's body, he closed his eyes as well and joined his mate's dreams.
Blair didn't know why, but suddenly he giggled. There was so much warmth and love surrounding him that it triggered releasing his fears. Tears slid down his cheek as he surrendered to the serenity of the animals' breathing, falling asleep as well.
///
Simon's first reaction was to put the phone into the microwave and press 'fry'. He'd only gotten 3 hours sleep and now the damn phone rang again. Well, he had to get up anyway to get ready for work.
"Banks!" he bellowed into the phone as he struggled from underneath the comforter to get into a comfortable position. Then, he suddenly remembered that Daryl would visit him this weekend and that calmed him down.
"Simon? I know where Blair is. I'm about to get into the truck and drive to St. Sebastian's." Jim's smug grin was audible in his tone. He'd slept perfectly in Blair's bed and thankfully the jaguar hadn't returned. The feline had scared him at first.
"That's great news," Simon managed. "Tell the kid to get his ass back home before I bring him in personally." Major Crime wasn't the same place without Blair Sandburg. Everyone dragged their feet, waiting for the kid to show up again. H had even complained that there was no one around to call Hairboy.
"Thanks, Simon. I need to get going now. I'll keep you informed." Jim terminated the connection and made himself comfortable behind the wheel. It was a 10-hour drive and he hoped to arrive there early in the evening. He'd considered calling brother Jeremy first, but had the gut feeling that the monk had taken a vow of silence when it came down to answering questions concerning Blair.
So he started the car and pulled out of the garage. He felt euphoric, counting the hours until he could put his arms around Blair. Maybe now was the right time to rehearse his little speech. When facing Blair, he might be struck speechless.
Jim switched on the radio and tuned into a station that played oldies. Putting the volume low, he concentrated on the traffic. In the back of his mind he mentally rehearsed the things he needed to say. First, he would claim Blair's hands and try to establish eye contact so Sandburg would know he wasn't lying. Damn, he never realized how hard this would be!
"Blair, I'm sorry... No, I shouldn't start like that... Blair, I want you to come home with me because I need you. No, that isn't good either. That way it sounds like I'm being a selfish bastard.... which I am, but... Blair, please come home with me. I love you, Chief? Okay, that doesn't sound too bad, but I can do better..."
Jim grinned at no one in particular as he manoeuvred his car through the traffic. He wasn't good with words; perhaps he should try action instead and kiss Blair?
"Whoa," he exclaimed, "kiss Blair?" Great. Only 24 hours ago he'd had trouble even acknowledging that he had feelings for Blair and now... But how would it feel, kissing Blair Sandburg's lips? Suddenly, he wanted to know, wanted to taste and find out. "Maybe I will," he mumbled wickedly. "Maybe I'll tell him and kiss his lips too!"
///
//Am I losing my mind?// Blair wondered distressed. He'd woken up 30 minutes ago when brother Marcus had brought him breakfast and the monk had just ignored the wolf sitting at the foot end of his bed. At first, Blair had thought it had just been a dream, the jaguar and the wolf, but the canine was still there, eyeing him curiously. //Maybe I'm the only one who can see it?//
"Blair, you need to finish breakfast. Brother Frederick told me I'm only allowed to return an empty tray to the kitchen." Marcus pulled up a chair close to the bed and assisted Blair in eating most of the toast, eggs, cereal and fruit. Blair looked better and that pleased him. The young man had even swallowed his medicines without making a fuss about it. "Finish your orange juice!"
Blair's hands were still shaky, but he succeeded in drinking unaided. However, he knew he needed Marcus' help to visit the bathroom. He'd hardly coughed during the night. Either the meds were kicking in or the warmth of the two animal bodies had helped. Tangled up in blankets Blair felt comfortable. But there was still the wolf, eyeing him.
Marcus put the empty glass back on the tray and then studied his guest. "How are you feeling today, Blair?"
"Better," he admitted. A hesitant beam of sunlight broke through the lingering storm clouds and gave the room a warm glow. The wolf lay down and rested his head on Blair's feet. //What do you think you're doing?// he addressed the wolf, which grinned back at him.
"Good. I'll sit with you for a while and then brother Jeremy will keep you company."
Blair's glance shifted from the wolf to brother Marcus. "You don't have to sit with me... I can't leave my bed anyway. I'm fine here." He felt bad for keeping the monks from their daily routine.
"We want to sit with you," Marcus told him. "Why don't you tell me about your adventures in the world? Being a police observer must provide some interesting moments." With disbelief, he watched how Blair retreated into himself. It was obvious that the young man didn't want to talk about that. Marcus looked at him questioningly, but Blair's lips remained sealed. "Blair?"
"Can't we talk about something else?" Blair didn't want to talk about working with... Jim. Damn, a stabbing pain of heartache moved through him. He felt bad already, realizing he'd also deserted his students and hadn't even bothered to get his classes covered. Chancellor Edwards would use that against him to terminate his contract. She'd already complained about his bad attendance record.
"Blair? What would you like to talk about?" Marcus chided himself for upsetting Blair. He didn't know what had caused Blair to run in the first place. Maybe a little more tact was in order?
But Blair wasn't listening. He wondered about Rainier. Did he still want to work there? Every time he walked into his office he had to pass that damned fountain and then the pain started all over again. He'd also told them that he'd changed the topic of his thesis. Now that he was no longer objective he'd let go of his dissertation topic. He hadn't even decided yet if he would write another dissertation. Right now he was too tired to even think about it.
Brother Marcus nodded his head. "Would you like some privacy, Blair? Just call if you need something."
"That would be great," Blair quickly answered and smiled at the wolf, which eyed his wiggling toes. Maybe focusing on the canine would help. Marcus left the room and Blair instinctively opened his arms. Carefully, the wolf moved into them and it didn't take Blair long to fall asleep again.
The jaguar appeared in the corner of the room and feline eyes watched over the guide and the wolf, ensuring their safety.
///
Blair resigned to being fussed over. Brother Jeremy had taken Marcus' place and checked on him every 30 minutes. Blair didn't want to admit it, but secretly he loved all this attention. Usually he was the one trying to look after Jim, but Ellison would never admit that. Being a guide was a full time job and it wasn't surprising that his work at the U suffered because of that. But he wouldn't change a single minute spent with Jim.
The wolf sensed the human's sadness and hunted down its own tail, running in circles, trying to distract the guide. It worked.
Blair smiled, wondering if the wolf would ever catch his tail, like he'd seen dogs do in the past. It was strangely comforting to have his spirit guide this close. "Guess it's time we got to know each other better," he mused as the wolf rested his head on the side of the bed. "Where's your mate?"
The wolf gave the human a thoughtful glance. //Looking after the dumb Sentinel,// he thought, wishing he could communicate with the guide. //You should have taken charge earlier. A Sentinel needs guidance. You can't let him run amok like that! That's why the tribal elders assign guides to their Sentinels!//
Seeing the amused expression in the canine's eyes, Blair knew he missed part of the conversation. "Maybe you can ask your buddy to keep an eye on Jim now that I'm no longer around? Jim always gets himself into trouble and then tries to blame me for the mayhem he caused!"
The wolf gave him a look filled with understanding. //The jaguar's like that too,// he agreed and pushed his head underneath the guide's hand. He liked being pet.
"You like that?" Blair whispered as he stroked the elegant head. "Do you have a name?"
The wolf shook his head. Who needed a name?
Surprised, Blair realized that he felt relaxed and comfortable. Coming to St. Sebastian's had been the best thing he could have done. "I wonder what Jim's doing? Probably enjoying his new life and repacking my stuff. I need to find some storage space until I've got a new apartment. He told me he unpacked my things, you know," he told the wolf, which seemed interested.
"When we got back from Sierra Verde I hoped he would offer to help me unpack. But he never addressed it and I left the boxes in the corner of my room. I never wanted to leave." Blair smiled at the wolf and the spirit guide released a compassionate growl. "What do you think? Should I move back to Cascade or go on an expedition? I would love to do some field work."
The wolf listened, wondering why the guide was concerned. Didn't he know that the Sentinel was already on his way to claim him? Maybe the human didn't know? The bond between the two men had weakened after the female Sentinel had appeared.
"Hey, it's a sunny day. Don't you want to go outside and run around or something like that?" Blair suggested and enjoyed the warmth the sunbeams poured over his body. But the wolf climbed onto the bed and lay down again. "Guess not. I love company," Blair said quickly. "But I hate being confined to bed!"
Brother Jeremy listened to Blair's voice. He wondered if the medicines were causing the hallucinations Blair suffered from, but the young man's voice sounded calm and in control. Suddenly, Blair's voice died and as he peeked inside, he saw that the young man had fallen asleep again.
Blair looked better, Jeremy mused. The young man ate when told and stayed in bed, even without constant supervision. Hearing the bells toll, Jeremy hurried into the kitchen to fetch Blair's dinner.
///
Jim deeply inhaled the fresh air. It was a true blessing to smell air that wasn't polluted yet and he opened his senses. Standing in front of St. Sebastian's Monastery he felt incredibly resolved. His senses told him that he was close to Blair. Only a few more minutes...
Climbing the stairs he took in his surroundings and halted in his tracks, as he caught sight of the jaguar, hidden beneath the leaves. "Are you following me? Want to make sure I don't leave without Blair?" Great, now he was talking to himself!
The door opened before he had a chance to knock and Jim looked into the concerned eyes of brother Marcus. Searching for the right words, he came up empty.
"Do you want to step inside?" Marcus offered eventually. Ellison's arrival came as no surprise. He'd figured that Blair's retreat from life had something to do with the detective.
"Is Blair here?" Jim failed to keep the trembling from his voice.
"Yes, he is." Marcus gestured his guest to follow and led Jim to the abbot's office. "But I'm not sure Blair wants to see you."
Jim swallowed hard, realizing Marcus led him away from Blair's heartbeat. "But I need to talk to him... now."
"First, the abbot must give his permission." Marcus was determined to keep Blair's best interests in mind. "Wait here." He closed the door to inform Jeremy of the new arrival.
Jim considered his options. His senses could lead him to Blair, but the monks seemed rather determined to protect Blair. A chill moved through his heart, realizing they thought that Blair needed to be protected from him!
"Brother Jim."
Jim startled, so lost in thought that he didn't hear Jeremy enter. The abbot took his seat behind his desk and Jim walked over to the window. "Sir," he started and searched Jeremy's eyes. "I want to talk to Blair."
"What you want doesn't matter, Jim." Jeremy's voice was stern. "I'll ask Blair. If he says yes, you can talk to him."
//Damn, he's protective of Blair!// Jim realized stunned. But apprehension took over. What if Blair said no? "Please ask him."
Jeremy nodded his head, knowing that this matter was too personal to Jim to discuss. This was something Blair and Jim had to work through.
///
"Blair?" Jeremy walked inside and took a seat. He smiled reassuringly, as draped eyes stared back at him. "Did I wake you?"
Blair returned the smile, holding on to his wolf. He knew that no one else could see his spirit guide and that reassured him. "Marcus just made me eat dinner. I'm a little sleepy, yes. Man, I'm just not used to being confined to bed all day!"
"It will aid your recovery," Jeremy said pleased, wondering how to address Jim's unexpected arrival. "You have a visitor, Blair."
Blair's eyes grew big. "A visitor?" Confused, he stared into the wolf's eyes, hoping to find some kind of answer there, but... "Nobody knows I'm here!" From the corner of his eye, he noticed the arrival of the jaguar that stole closer to the bed and then settled down on the floor, liking his paws. Sudden understanding swept through him. "You brought him here, didn't you?"
Jeremy's concern grew, uncertain whom Blair was addressing. "Blair?"
Blair realized how odd this looked to Jeremy and recomposed himself. "Jim's here," he stated in a dead voice. Damn, he'd run and Jim had found him. But why was Jim coming after him in the first place? "Why? Why is here?"
"I didn't ask him," Jeremy admitted. "Do you want to talk to him?"
Blair pondered his dilemma. He wanted to see Jim, talk to him, just be around the man he loved, but could he deal with being alone once the visit was over? Wouldn't this just make it harder? The wolf pushed his head against Blair's hand and as he looked down, Blair saw the hopeful expression in the canine's compassionate eyes. //You want me to say yes?// He could almost hear the affirmative answer.
"It's okay, I guess. I'll talk to him." Blair couldn't control the tremors rocking his body and he pulled the blankets up to his chin. If only he knew why Jim was here!
Jeremy rose from his chair, pleased and hopeful. Blair had run from Cascade because of Jim, he was sure of that... but why? He walked into the corridor and gestured Jim to come closer. "Blair will see you now. Remember, he's still weak."
"I'll be careful," Jim assured him. "Can I stay at the Monastery for a few days?" From what Jeremy had told him, Blair was no condition to make the trip back to Cascade.
"Of course you can," Jeremy acknowledged and stepped aside. "I hope your talk will go well."
Jim nodded his head. //Everything depends on it,// he realized. After taking one more deep breath he stepped into Blair's room. The sight that awaited him, made his heart flutter. Blair's face was still black and blue and his body nearly motionless underneath the blankets. He distinctly noted the shudder racking Blair's body and he felt guilty for putting his friend in this position.
He wasn't really surprised to see the wolf resting in Blair's arms and as his eyes scanned the room, he discovered the jaguar stalking closer, baring his teeth. It served as a reminder of what he'd realized last night.
Blair stared at Jim, wondering about the dark circles underneath his friend's eyes. Being this close to Jim tore his soul apart. He wanted to reach out and touch the man, reassure himself that Jim was real, but kept his hands to himself. First, he needed to know why Jim was here.
Jim cleared his throat and smiled warmly. "Hope you don't mind having a roommate for the time you're staying here." He threw his duffel onto the second bed and walked over to Blair, whose large eyes showed confusion.
"Roommate?" Blair finally managed. "What are you talking about?" He tightened his hold on the wolf that promptly moaned his protest. Blair reacted and let go. "Sorry," he apologized and the wolf licked his hand in answer. "Jim? What are you doing here?" Damn, his headache had returned with a vengeance and he closed his eyes.
Jim sat down on the side of the bed, nudging the wolf aside. "Blair? There's something I need to tell you." Just being close to Sandburg made him feel alive. He inhaled the younger man's scent and listened to Blair's steady heartbeat. He could no longer live without his partner.
"And you drove out here to tell me that? How did you find me anyway?" Blair felt lost. This wasn't according to plan. Jim wasn't supposed to find him! The jaguar growled softly and it almost sounded apologetic to Blair. Casting a glance at the feline Blair realized the truth. "You told him where he could find me?" he asked the jaguar who reacted by placing one paw on his nose, trying to hide from view. "Oh, man, I don't believe this!"
"Yes, the jaguar came to me last night and showed me the rosary brother Jeremy gave you." Jim carefully reached out and rested his hand on Blair's, which felt awfully cold. "Please let me say this? It's hard to find the right words, Chief."
Blair quavered as Jim caressed his hand, soothingly rubbing his knuckles. Jim had never acted like this before. "Jim?"
"Don't interrupt, Chief," Jim said, feeling nervous. But looking at the jaguar and the wolf he knew he was doing the right thing. He vividly remembered the merge and no longer denied what had really happened between them.
Blair released a deep breath. "Talk, man." He didn't know what to expect.
"You're right, Blair. I cope with things by repressing them," Jim started, tightly holding onto Blair's trembling hand. The blue eyes that stared back at him were swimming, but he continued nonetheless.
"I repressed my true feelings for you for years. Can you believe that? I wasted all this time because I didn't allow myself to have feelings for another man!" Jim nodded his head, seeing the sudden apprehension in Blair's eyes. "But I'm no longer repressing them. Blair, I love you. I need you. Please come home with me."
"What?" Blair stuttered. "Did you really say..." He couldn't finish the sentence, trying to really understand what Jim was saying. "You can't... No way, man..."
Affectionately, Jim claimed Blair's other hand as well, gently caressing the bruised skin. "Simon kicked my butt, Blair. He told me I was about to lose the best thing that ever happened to me and... I didn't want to admit it at first, but sitting at the empty loft I knew he was right."
Jim smiled warmly. "I made you speechless, huh?" But his heart thundered, scared to hear Blair's answer. "I'm so sorry that I told you I no longer trusted you. It was a lie. I do trust you. You're the only one I trust. You're the only one who can pull me from a zone out and that's because I trust you!" He sounded frantic, desperate to make Blair understand.
"I shouldn't have left you at the hospital, Blair, but everything came crushing in on me. When Simon told me you had been beaten up, I was so scared that I was going to lose you all over again that... that I panicked. Jim Ellison panicked."
"Jim," Blair whispered, trying to calm his friend down, but failed.
"When I got back to the loft I saw those boxes and realized that we never unpacked your things. I wanted you to feel welcome so I spent that night unpacking. I couldn't face you." Jim licked his lips, throat constricted. Damn, when had been the last time he'd felt this emotional? "Please come home with me, Blair. Be my lover."
"Jim," Blair leaned forward, trying to regain his hold on Jim, but his ribs acted up and breathless, he fell back into the pillows.
"Blair, don't move. You're still healing!" Concerned, Jim watched him closely, wishing he were the wolf resting in his friend's arms.
"Jim, I love you," Blair panted, trying to regulate his breathing. Damn ribs!
Terribly relieved, Jim managed a smile. "I think I fell in love with you the moment I slammed you up against that wall. You challenged me right there, not giving in an inch."
Blair curled his fingers around Jim's hand. "I realized that I loved you when you came after me when Lash took me. I mean, the attraction was there right from the start... but I never dared to think about it becoming reality. You were always dating women and I didn't want to alienate you so I did the same thing."
"We've been fools, Blair." Jim leaned in closer as injuries stopped Blair from moving closer. Staring deeply into draped blue eyes, he saw the love there. "Blair Sandburg, come home with me."
Blair swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat. "You sure?"
"Yes! Don't you get it? Blair, I can't live without you! I need you like the air I breathe!" Jim decided to prove that statement and gently brushed Blair's lips. A soft mew floated into his mouth as Blair responded to the kiss by deepening it.
"Fuck," Blair suddenly exclaimed. "Ribs, man... they hurt," and pulled back. "I can't believe you came for me." His eyes caressed Jim's face and he cocked his head to take in every line etched onto his lover's brow. //My lover,// he thought giddily. "You sure you want a geek for a boyfriend, Jim?"
"An adorable geek," Jim corrected lovingly. "Move over?" He pushed the wolf off the bed. "Get comfortable somewhere else!" His eyes followed the wolf as it curled up next to the jaguar, which promptly started to lick the grey fur.
"Blair?" he whispered as he lay down next to his lover, giving him all the time he needed to cuddle up to him. "Do you think our spirit guides..."
"Mates," Blair replied as he bit down the pain moving about caused him. "Man, this feels nice." He rested his head on Jim's arm and succeeded in wrapping one arm around Jim's waist. "You sure you're okay holding me like this?" he asked worried.
"Just fine," Jim sighed blissfully. Blair's body fit perfectly against his and he relished his lover's closeness, his scent, the thumping of Blair's heart. "You want to stay at St. Sebastian's a little longer? Simon gave me some time off."
"Yes," Blair admitted. "I love it here. I'm not up to facing everyone at Rainier and then there's Ventriss and..."
"Babe, don't worry about that. Simon will take care of Ventriss and we'll stay here as long as you want. I like it here..."
Blair closed his eyes, relaxing in Jim's arms. This felt so incredibly right!
"I almost lost you a second time... because I was too stupid to admit I love you, Chief..." Jim kissed the tangled curls and tucked Blair's head underneath his chin. "I never wanted to think about the merge."
"The jump?" Blair said sleepily. He loved to listen to Jim's voice, but the meds were making him drowsy.
"I felt you," Jim explained, "it felt like making love to you... best sex I ever had!" He tried to sound light hearted, but failed. "I want to feel like that again. Does that make sense?"
"Yeah, it does," Blair breathed against Jim's chest. "I love you too, Jim." He finally lost the fight against his fatigue and slipped into a peaceful sleep.
Jim however stayed awake, keeping one eye on the two animals cuddled close together. The wolf's head rested on the jaguar's side and the canine grinned smugly.
"You two satisfied now?" He didn't get an answer of course, but the jaguar appeared to nod his head. "I won't ever again let him go," he promised. "Blair's mine now."
CONTINUED IN
"Rebuilding The Trust"