Title: Conner's Quiz 3

Real Men Always Answer C

Author/pseudonym: Patt

Rating: R

Pairings: Bullpen survey, humor.

Status: Complete

Date: 03-28-01

Archive: Yes

Series/Sequel: Conner's Quiz Series

Category: Bullpen Humor

Author's website:

Disclaimer: Borrowed, I'll return them when I'm done.

Notes: Thanks so much to Margaret in Arizona. She sent these just knowing I would do something with them. Blame her.

Summary: Real Men Always Answer C. Need I say more? Another Survey that the guys need to help Conner with.

Warnings: m/m Silliness abounds. My Beta is away right now, so you'll have to make due. I miss you, Mary. :(

Conner's Quiz 3: Real Men Always Answer 'C'...

by Patt
***

"Guys, I'm going to ask you these questions, you each give me your answer and I'll keep track for the end. Okay?" Conner said as she smiled thinking about the torment she could cause with this one.

1.) Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present youwith a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, andpermanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

<> A: Present it to local Government Officials.
<> B: Present it only to the President of the U.S.
C: Take it apart.

Joel: Well, it's gotta be C, because you can't give something to the president if you don't know how it works or what it will do. Right?

Simon: I think C, also.

Jim: I agree. I wouldn't hand it over to them for anything.

Blair: Are you guys frigging nuts? You're going to take apart something that was given to us but a superior species and destroy it? I'd give it to the government. They'd know what to do.

Rafe: Sandburg, don't you watch X-files?

Brown: Yeah, we'd never see it again. Unless of course it made money for someone in government.

Blair: You all are much too cautious. I trust the government to a certain extent.

Jim: Believe me, I don't trust them at all, with good reason.

Blair: But Jim, we're talking about another race. Another fucking planet. We could trust them with that, couldn't we?

Jim: He's so young sometimes.

Conner: Okay, guys, we'll move on to the next one.

******

2.) As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

<> A: Innocence.
<> B: Idealism.
C: Cherry bombs.

Joel: God, I haven't thought about Cherry Bombs in years.

Jim: They were always the coolest things. I say, C also.

Simon: Well, I think perhaps I agree again. I was never that innocent and I never had any ideals.

Rafe: Man, we're all agreeing here. What's up with that. I say C, also.

Brown: I'll say C, only because like Simon, I don't think I had the other two to start with.

Blair: Well, you guys are nut jobs. I say I miss my Idealism the most. B for me.

*****

3.) In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

<> A: A cat.
<> B: A dog.
C: A dog that eats cats.

Joel: Oh that is such a funny one. I'll go with C. I'm not a big cat person.

Jim: Me either.

Blair: Jim, what the fuck are you talking about? You are a cat person. I'll say A.

Jim: Blair, this is my question and I say C. I like that answer better than A.

Brown: Definitely C.

Rafe: C cracks me up. I'll go that way too.

Simon: Well, I don't want to be in with Sandburg, so I'll go with C, too.

*****

4.) You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers. Suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, she tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

<> A: That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
<> B: That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don'twant to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C: That you cannot believe the Packers called a draw play on third and seventeen.

Jim: Only a woman would choose to discuss something like that during a football game. I'll go with C.

Brown: I gotta agree with Jim here. C, all the way.

Rafe: C for me too.

Simon: C again.

Joel: Well, although I think maybe one of the others might have been better, I can't believe someone would choose to discuss that during a game.

Blair: Hello? Is anyone home? You're all missing the fucking point. She wants to know if there is a future. She could give a fuck about the football game.

Jim: See, that's why I date Sandburg.

Blair: Jim, I don't agree with you. I say A.

Jim: I can't believe you would discuss this during football season.

Blair: I can't believe you wouldn't.

****

5.) Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

<> A: You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
<> B: You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C: Tell her what?

Joel: Okay, I'm totally lost here. I don't know what you would have to tell her. If she's smart she'll know.

Jim: I say C, also.

Blair: I don't fucking believe this, Jim. I'm going to break up with you if you don't straighten up.

Jim: Take a chill pill, Chief.

Rafe: I say, C also.

Brown: Hell I forgot the question. But I'll go with C since you all are.

Blair: Hello, I'm not. I'm going to go with B.

Simon: B? B? Sandburg, you act like a fucking fag. Oh yeah, you are. Sorry. Jim, I don't know how you can stand this touchy feely crap all the time.

Jim: Chief, you know that you might go with one of the other answers.

Blair: Ellison, you're never getting fucked again. Do you understand that one, big man?

****

6.) One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

<> A: "Do they need to eat or anything?"
<> B: "They're in school already?"
C: "There are three of them?"

Joel: God, you have to love that last one. That's funny.
Jim: Of course I wouldn't say C. I mean, I would know that we had three kids. So I guess I'd go with A.

Rafe: Ellison, you're such a wuss puss. I'm going with C. It's funnier.

Brown: Yeah, it's funnier.

Simon: Okay, this one is past stupid. I mean, even I wouldn't ask any of those questions. So I guess I'll go with A.

Blair: You're all fruit loops. All of the answers are stupid. I wouldn't answer this one at all.

Jim: But Chief, we're supposed to answer all of them, Conner said.

Blair: And do you jump off a bridge when she tells you to?

Jim: You don't have to be so shitty, Chief.

Blair: You haven't seen shitty yet, hot shot.

****

7.) When is it okay to throw away a set of aged underwear?

<> A: When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
<> B: When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
<> C: It is never okay to throw away underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody (and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife) is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

Jim: Man, I can't believe this question is on here. Chief, you know that I have to check to see if you do this.

Blair: Yes, you do. God, I'm so fucking depressed.

Jim: So, anyhow, my answer is C.

Joel: Mine is too.

Simon: I think C also.

Rafe: I never really thought about it, but hate to be the only one not saying C.

Brown: I don't believe I've ever thrown any out.

Jim: Chief, do you hear that. I'm not the only one that holds on to his underwear.

Blair: Well, good, I hope you and your undies will be very happy all alone, you fucking loon. What I can't believe is that there are this many questions that you guys all agree with. Ellison, I still mean what I said earlier.

****

8.) What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

<> A: He was being tested.
<> B: He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C: He refused to ask for directions.

Jim: You know everyone makes jokes about this, but I hate to ask directions. It's like giving in. And just think, if they'd have given in, they'd be written up as wusses in the Bible.

Blair: Jim, I'm in total shock now. I mean, I can't believe I thought I loved you.

Jim: Jesus, Blair, take a breather.

Simon: I agree with Ellison. It would have changed everything.

Blair: Hello, are you all nuts?

Rafe: Sandburg, they're right. It would have changed things. The Bible might never have been written.

Brown: Yeah, I would say, C, also.

Blair: You guys are nuts. I'm telling you. The correct answer is A.

Jim: The correct answer is not A. Like you know. Blair, you get lost all the time. How many times have you stopped and asked for directions?

Blair: I wasn't' in the desert and leading people to the promised land either.

Jim: You can evade a question like no one else.

Simon: Sandburg, quit pulling your hair out. If you lose it, you'll look just like Jim.

***

9.) What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

<> A: Democracy.
<> B: Religion.
C: TV remote control.

Joel: Have you seen those new remotes, that control all of your equipment? That's what I want to invest in. One that runs the stereo, the VCR and the Television.

Jim: Yeah, C sounds good to me too.

Simon: Well, I realize that to Sandburg it won't be much, but those remotes are nice. Very nice.

Brown: Okay, I have to go with C, too. I just got one, Joel and it's great.

Joel: Tell me later and you can help me pick one out and set it up.

Rafe: I have one too. Henry and I shopped together that day. They're great, Joel.

Blair: I don't fucking believe any of you. You're all insane. The answer is A. To some it might even be B. But never C. Jesus, what a bunch of losers, Conner please tell us what these mean.

****

Conner: Well what it means is Sandy is the only man among you that has a mind of his own and can think rational thoughts.

Jim: Oh that's fucking bullshit.

Joel: Yeah, what he said.

Simon: Conner do you actually have something that says that? Or did you just make it up as you went along.

Conner: I have the answer right here, Simon.

Rafe: Well, it's stupid. Blair is a wuss. That's what it should say.

Brown: I think it should say that we all agree to disagree. But it shouldn't say we don't have rational thoughts. We do, sometimes.

Blair: Conner, I can't believe that they don't see this as a bad thing. God, its fucking scary.

Conner: It's scary all right. But it's going to be worse for poor Jim. Want to stay at my apartment for awhile, Sandy?

Blair: Yeah, that would be great. Thanks.

Jim: Chief, I'm sorry. I'll do it over again and do it right. Like you want me to.

Rafe: Oh god, this is just depressing to witness.

Blair: Rafe, I won't be helping you fix your computer this weekend and never again at work either.

Rafe: Okay, I think you should start over again, Conner.

Brown: You are both wusses. He doesn't hold anything over my head.

Blair: Yeah, that's right, Brown. I was going to introduce you to our new neighbor that I was telling you about. But that's okay.

Brown: Shit. Okay, I'll vote for starting over.

Joel: Blair? Are you still going to make chili this weekend for me?

Blair: No.

Joel: Okay, it will only take a few minutes to answer the questions right.

Simon: Jesus, I can't believe the control this man has over all of you. It's pathetic.

Blair: Oh Simon, I talked to that guy about the cigars, but I'll tell him to forget it.

Simon: Fuck... Fine, lets start over again, Conner.

Conner: Okay, once more from the start, who is the wuss puss and who isn't?

*****

END