Title: Prophet in the Graveyard

Author: Uris

uris@fateordestiny.com

Fandom: The Sentinel

Rating: NC17

Pairing: Jim/Blair

Notes: It is third part of a three part series.

Summary: Blair threatens to move out but ends up in Jim's bed.

Archive: yes.

Feedback: yes


Prophets in the Graveyard
By Uris

Blair packed his bags and boxed his books. His Volvo's trunk and backseat were full of boxes from the office that he had emptied from the university. He had an appointment in the morning at UHAUL to get a hitch installed on the Volvo so he could pull the rest of his belongings. He spoke to his advisor at Rainier about changing the subject of his dissertation and was told that he spent over three years working his current subject and it was too late to change. His advisor wouldn't even look at his proposal.

"Chief, don't leave," Jim said as he entered the house seeing two full duffel bags and nearly a dozen boxes of books on the living room floor. He felt reminded of the time that he packed all of Blair's things and told him to leave. His life wasn't going to walk out that door again.

"I still need to get a hitch installed on the Volvo before I can head out," Blair said. "My advisor wouldn't hear of me changing the topic of my dissertation. There's no way that I can change our names and leave the document complete and accurate."

"So where're you going?" Jim asked.

"I don't know."

"Stay here. Another university will pick you up in the fall. You told me that one of your professors failed to turn in her dissertation twice before succeeding the third time."

"Jim, I'm not living here without a job."

"You can get a job tomorrow. You're the most industrious person that I have ever met. Simon will get you a job as a paid consultant. You can go to the academy. There's hundreds of positions for someone with your experience."

"You owe me enough." Blair paced in front of his packed bags.

"Chief, I owe you with every breath that I take. Without your patience and understanding, I would be in a rubber room right now. At least, let me make you dinner before you head over to UHAUL to get a hitch."

"They can't work on it until tomorrow," Blair said. "I'll dice vegetables for stir fry. We still have chicken breast?" The meat bin in the refrigerator was empty. Blair told Jim not to put the chicken in the freezer when they brought it two days ago, freezing ruins the texture. Jim's the damn sentinel; he should know better than freezing fresh chicken. He might as well buy the frozen freezer burnt chicken if he was going to ruin the fresh.

"I'll check," Jim said. "The Volvo won't make it very far pulling a trailer. Let me give you the money to rent a truck and you can pull the Volvo on a dolly."

"You have given me enough." Blair put the water and rice in a pot.

"We have chicken breast but it isn't defrosted." Jim unwrapped the chicken and placed it in a glass casserole. "Your fees are paid for the rest of the spring semester; you're still enrolled. You have a masters and years of research and teaching experience." Jim put the chicken in the microwave on defrost. "The university will let you finish teaching the classes for the spring. They don't want to bother with finding a replacement this late in the semester."

"I'll stay until the end of the semester." Blair covered the rice pot with a lid and took an onion from the bag. "I'd better not fry the vegetables until the chicken is defrosted." He diced the onion like it was Lee Brackett.

"Calm yourself down." Blair's pulse was still racing and his body temperature was a degree warmer than usual.

"I have given that university half my life and this is how I'm treated." Blair chopped the peppers. Jim was concerned that Blair would chop a finger or two in his fury

"Chief, would you like to eat out?"

"I'm broke and Wonderburgers don't do it for me."

"I'll buy. We haven't done Thai in a long time." Jim touched Blair's shoulder as Blair chopped carrots furiously.

"This situation is awkward." Blair moved away from Jim's gentle touch.

"You promised Incacha that you would be my shaman. He died with his hand on your arm."

Blair knew he was being emotionally blackmailed into staying and continued to take his anger out on the helpless vegetables. "This isn't working. You want me in your bed and I'm unresponsive." Blair cut his thumb. "Good, we can add my blood to the food with the cellular damaged chicken." Blair licked the small nick on his thumb. It clotted in a moment and he continued to dice the vegetables with fury.

"I never asked you for more than you can give. Join me on the sofa. The bell will ring when the rice is done and it'll take a few minutes for the chicken to defrost." Jim put his hand on Blair's thin shoulder. "We need to talk about us."

"The Volvo is loaded with my books." Blair turned from Jim.

"It can wait." Jim touched Blair's face. "Baby, look at me. I'm just a balding, middle-aged cop."

"You aren't middle-aged. My emotions shut down when I touch or look at you. I'm having one of your famous fear-based responses." Jim sat on the sofa. "Sit next to me and just look at me."

Blair sat less than six inches away from Jim and turned to make eye contact allowing Jim to easily see Blair's pupils dilate. (Your pupils dilate when you're looking at something pleasant; they constrict if you're looking at something unpleasant.) "I made a promise to stay with you. I'm your guide. I'll be your guide the rest of my life; our souls merged. I couldn't leave you without leaving part of me behind." Blair started to shed silent tears. "Kiss me."

Jim stroked Blair's beard each hair tingled against his fingertips since Blair hadn't shaved since morning. Blair moved closer to Jim until his lips were only an inch from Jim's lips and licked his lips feeling hesitant remembering that Jim kissed so well on the plane. Jim moved closer closing the space and applied a slight pressure as his tongue entered Blair's mouth. Blair closed his eyes as he felt his loins stir. Jim's lips felt so good against his. Blair didn't want to stop kissing Jim. Jim was right the desire did return; perhaps, his expectations were too high. There was so much running out on his relationship with Jim no wonder he was having a fear-based response.

As the bell rang for the chicken, Blair hated having to leave the sofa. While Blair checked the chicken to feel if it was still frozen, he thought about that kiss and wanted more than kisses. Blair put the chicken on defrost three more minutes and waited. The chicken was starting to cook around the edges while the center was still frozen. Blair would run it under hot water as he removed the bones from it. Meat should be fresh not frozen. Blair had told Jim not the put the chicken in the freezer but did he listen. The chicken defrosted as Blair removed the bones and chopped it into bit size pieces to stir-fry; perhaps, with enough seasoning, Blair could eat it after ruining it in the freezer and then later in the microwave. Blair put some canola oil into the Wok. After the oil was hot, Blair added the diced vegetables, then the diced chicken. Jim handed Blair soy sauce and other mild seasonings.

"I'll take boxes to the basements after dinner; you need to relax."

"Do you work tonight?"

"Tomorrow morning. Simon never has me on a regular schedule."

"The hazards of police work." Blair turned off the rice when the bell rang and opened the pot to fluff the rice with a fork. Blair removed the pot from the heat and keeping the lip closed. Then he stirred the food in the wok and added seasoning. "Dinner will be done soon."

"Promise me that you won't leave after the end of the semester."

"It hurts every time that I kiss you or look into your beautiful eyes."

"Why?"

"I want more."

"Chief, what do you want?"

"I want you to hold me all night." Blair didn't know where that came from but he couldn't deny it; it had all ready been said.

"I can do that."

Blair put the rice into a bowl and the stir-fry into a large platter. He placed both dishes on the table. Blair turned on the kettle so they could have tea after the meal. "I'll get you a beer."

"You need one more than I." Jim went to the refrigerator and got two beers, opened them before returning the table and handed Blair the opened beer.

"Thanks." Blair gave Jim a set of chopsticks as he joined him at the table, taking a sip of beer before putting his chopsticks into the food on the serving dishes. "Jim, thanks for everything," Blair mumbled.

"I'll talk to Simon about that position for a paid consultant. Don't you worry about a thing."

"I love you."

"Then, why do you want to leave me?"

"It hurts so much. Naomi has always left when things became too intense."

"You aren't your mother."

"Rainier was my life, my foster mother for fourteen years. It's hard to walk away."

Jim put his hand on Blair's back. "I understand. You can cry if you feel like it." Jim got a plate from the kitchen and put the food on it. Although he had exchanged spit with Blair a few minutes prior, he didn't want to eat from the same plate. "You don't need to make a decision today."

"I won't."

After finishing dinner, Jim put on the CD, Storm Front by Billy Joel, and selected the song, "Shameless." Jim wasn't good with words and Billy Joel wrote the exact words he wanted to tell Blair. As Jim put the left over food into Tupperware, he told Blair to listen to the lyrics.

"This is how I feel about you." Jim restarted the song as Blair sat down beside him and listened.

"You love me that much." Blair touched Jim's hand and looked into his eyes.

"You mean the world to me. You made my house a home; you gave a reason to live. I can be the Sentinel of the Great City because you're my guide; you're all that is important to me." Blair took a deep breath and returned to the dishes. After Blair washed the dishes, he put his clothes back into his drawers. Jim brought the boxes from Blair's car to the basement to be sorted later. "Take a shower and I will join you in bed," Jim had said as he came upstairs between trips to the Volvo. The books in the boxes in the living room could be put away the following morning.

Blair showered and washed his hair not wanting to think about getting a job. He had given half his life to Rainier. His advisor knew that he was having trouble with his dissertation for some time. He had a proposal for a new topic; closed societies weren't as exciting as sentinels but it seemed so cold and heartless for his advisor to not bother to look at the proposal. Jim was right as usual; another university would want him. He might enroll somewhere in September. There wasn't a hurry to apply elsewhere; it was only February. Simon would give him a good recommendation.

Blair wrapped a towel around his hair before using another towel to dry his feet and another to dry to rest of him; there he was using three towels again. He tossed them into the hamper. He had throw out his threadbare robe when he packed so walked back to his room naked. Why did he need to be modest in front of Jim? He wanted to give his love to Jim but he was nervous. Jim thought he had experience with the ladies. He remembered how angry he was when Jim made that table leg comment. How could he be the man's everything?

Blair heard that song before on the radio sang by Garth Brooks, country music was popular in Washington. Anyway, he would like to see Jim on his knees, but that wasn't likely to happen. Would Jim change his world for Blair? Blair had done everything in his life for Jim. He couldn't imagine Jim making as many sacrifices as he did. He had turned down an expedition, didn't hand in his dissertation, all for the love of his friend. Blair opened the French doors and put on his briefs. He knew that they wouldn't stay on long but he couldn't face Jim naked. Blair took a deep breath and walked up the stairs to Jim's bedroom. Jim was lying on top of the bedspread wearing a white athletic shirt and briefs; Blair was thanking God that he wasn't naked. "Don't stare at me. It was hard to climb those stairs."

"You have no reason to be nervous."

"I'm about to lie down next to the most important person in my life."

"You don't have to do anything."

"A woman and a few seconds of lust, and I'm thinking about jumping her bones," Blair said. Jim looked so good; so sexy. Jim must have been able to see his erection and feel the acceleration of his pulse.

"Most couples fall in love, go to bed, then live together." At least, it was that way with Carolyn. Jim couldn't believe that he played a song to tell Blair how he felt. He was becoming a romantic; however, he had brought that album when he came home from Peru for the song "We Didn't Start the Fire", but after hearing Garth Brooks's version in the truck a few days ago he knew that song expressed how he felt about Blair and wondered if he had the song in his collection. He wasn't a man that normally begged, but he wasn't beyond begging to keep Blair in his house and preferably in his bed. Many times, he felt his relationship with Blair was beyond his understanding, but in a good way. He had never needed anyone before the way he needed Blair Sandburg. Blair lay in the overly soft bed next to Jim.

"So we're doing it in a peculiar order."

Jim put his hands over Blair's body enjoying Blair's chest hair and put his mouth on Blair's shoulder. "Feels nice?" Jim had only managed to sleep near Blair a few times in the past using Blair's nightmares as an excuse to come downstairs and to climb in bed next to him. Blair felt so good in his arms; Blair would never go back to that bed in the storage room if Jim had his way.

Blair nodded. "Are you ever afraid of zoning when you are with a woman?"

"I have to keep my senses under tight control. I can't enjoy it completely. My senses are often under assault. Women use so much perfume, make-up, deodorants, etc. I nearly went unconscious from feminine hygiene spray. I like that you are clean and don't smell of perfume." Jim enjoyed the light odor of soap and the musky odor that was uniquely Blair. Each person had a unique odor and Jim knew Blair's odor. He probably knew the odor of everyone in the bullpen but he never tested himself. He wouldn't tell Blair or he would test him claiming it would help in his police work to know who was on their way before he could see them. Blair's odor made him feel at home, comfortable, but at the same time, filled him with desire making him need to touch Blair and make him his.

"Think of this way, if you zone on me, I'll bring you out of it. If you zoned on a woman, she would call an ambulance."

Jim pressed his nose into Blair's shoulder. "I love the way you smell. Your heart beat, your odor all make me feel like I'm home. I'm not afraid with you." Jim kissed Blair's shoulder. "I need you so much. I'm not beyond begging you to stay."

Blair turned toward Jim feeling less nervous; Blair had looked at Jim thousands of times and put his arms around him at least a hundred. The only difference was that they were in Jim's bed; he could handle this. Blair's pulse went up slightly; he hoped that Jim didn't smell the fear on him. The stench of fear would be a major turn off. "I used the mildest soap that I can find and you seem to prefer a mild fruit fragranced shampoo."

"Any mild smell will do." Jim buried his nose in Blair's hair. "Apples?"

"Family size generic brand. I need to start repaying my student loans; I can't waste my money on expensive shampoo." Blair felt his body relaxed as Jim moved a hand lightly over his chest.

"We'll cut back elsewhere; buy the brand that you like. You smell so good no matter what brand you use."

"If I enter the academy in the fall, it'll need to be cut."

"It's the police academy, not the military. As fast as your hair grows, it'll be shoulder length before you finish the academy."

"I'm undecided about the police academy. I have been using my hair as an excuse. I know that it grows back." Blair lightly squeezed Jim's arm. "I've been unpaid for three years. I feel like if I don't go that I've thrown away all this training. I love working with you."

"You would be just as beautiful with short hair." Jim stroked Blair's cheek and moved his other hand to his chin.

"What about fraternization? Since I'm unpaid no one has said anything. I live with you; I won't be allowed to work with you." Blair heard the rumors. Everyone in the department thought they were lovers. Even officers in other departments thought that but he didn't have Jim's ears so he didn't know the extent of the rumors. The things he heard weren't negative or positive; it was like the other cops accepted that Jim had his love ride along. He was sure that the rumors would get louder if he started the academy.

"Even if you are partnered with someone else in Major Crimes, you can still guide me. If there are problems with my senses, Simon will deal with the commissioner on the fraternization policy." Simon had allowed Blair to use a 90-day observer pass for three years now; Simon would work around the fraternization policy, too.

"I don't want the commissioner in our bedroom," Blair said. "I don't need to go the academy with everyone calling me a fag. I'm already shorter than everyone including most of the women." He wanted people to know he was there on his own merit. He had solved more crimes as an observer in his last three years than most men did in their whole career.

"You aren't that short."

"The average height of a male police officer is six foot. I'm not even five eight. Megan towers over me."

"You run faster than anyone in Major Crimes. Height isn't the only issue. Being small can help while working under cover; you can be overlooked. You can be hidden in a high school or college drug bust. Simon has said many times that your height was an advantage." Simon had told Jim in confidence that he had wished Sandburg was a real detective so he could send him into places that no one in their department would fit in. Sandburg didn't look like an average cop and could easily get lost in a crowd.

"Someone 6'4" would say that. He isn't the one that is going to be tormented at the academy for being a short, brown-nosing fag. I can hear it now about you getting my behind into the academy." Blair blushed when thought about the other things that they would say about his behind.

Jim moved his hands over Blair's firm little behind on cue, thinking that cute little behind was his. "It's an option. You have dozens of options. You could continue teaching." Jim continued stroked Blair's cute little behind reaching below the underwear wanting to pull those briefs off.

Blair removed the underwear and tossed them on Jim's floor; he would pick them up later. He was getting into having Jim's hands roam his body although he still couldn't stomach the idea of going further. He couldn't even bring his eyes to look Jim's naked body. Blair found it easier just to lie there and be passive, not thinking about allowing a man to grope him. "I want to go to the academy. I don't want everyone thinking that I got in because of you. I don't need people whispering about blow jobs or your dick being in my asshole as I walk by."

"You're a great cop. Half of my awards belong to you." Jim moved his hand over Blair's naked body.

"People won't see it that way. Jim, I know what they think about me. Simon thought that you got me an observer pass because I was your pretty little boyfriend. You were so desperate for me to have it."

"Only until you proved otherwise. The men in the academy will see in less than a day that you're there on your own merit." Jim held Blair tighter and kissed Blair's back. "You aren't there because you have sex with me and I'll give anyone a black eye that suggests that." Jim put small kisses down Blair's back as he continued to fondle Blair's crack adding a little Astroglide to his fingertips.

"This is nice." Blair sighed. "Let's not talk about the academy."

"I could get used to having you in my bed."

"As long you don't call me Carolyn."

"Carolyn and I never talked in bed." Jim kissed Blair's earlobe trying to avoid pulling on the earrings. "If you want to do more than cuddle, let me know. You feel so good in my arms. What are you going to do with your dissertation?"

"There must be other people like you and Alex. I'm thinking about writing a handbook on dealing with enhanced senses. I'll not use the word sentinel in the book."

"With print on demand technology, you don't have to worry about selling more than a thousand copies."

"If I only sell twenty is no big deal."

"Those twenty people will be very grateful. I thought I was losing my mind."

"My master thesis was on enhanced senses. That'll come in handy in writing a book. Jim, no knowledge ever goes to waste." Blair was unable to talk with Jim's fingers going up his butt hole. He wasn't putting his fingers deep enough to touch Blair's prostrate but Blair's body was definitely begging for more. Blair moaned lightly moving his body a little spreading himself out on Jim's big bed. Jim's bed was too soft; the futon had a very firm mattress. The air mattress was turned down low and the sheets were all cotton and the large pillows were goose down. The sentinel needed the softest bedding available, but Blair didn't know if he could sleep on such a soft bed as he fell into the softness as Jim's tongue rolled over his ass. He never had anyone lick him there before but he wasn't complaining.

"I love you so much." Jim returned to lick Blair's ass filtered out the taste of lubricant. It was mostly tasteless mineral oil so it wasn't hard to tune out. Blair musky masculine odor was nearly making Jim zone.

"Make love to me," Blair whispered feeling like he was about to come from having a man's tongue up his ass.

"Are you sure?" Jim reapplied the Astroglide; he brought it to use with Carolyn but she didn't care for the Greek method so they didn't use much of the bottle. However, Jim used half the bottle masturbating thinking about Blair being in his bed.

"I have never been more sure. I need you inside me." Blair closed his eyes and held the pillow tightly. "I need to know that I belong to you."

"You do. You always have." Jim kissed Blair's neck and shoulders. "Relax." Jim moved his hand over Blair's crack. "It'll hurt if you're tense."

"I want you so much."

"I know, Baby. Just relax."

Blair put his mouth on Jim's chest and fingered the hard muscles and chewed on Jim's nipple.

"Gentle." Jim moaned lightly.

"You could turn it down," Blair whispered as he stroked Jim's sculptured body.

"I want to experience it all. I love you so much." Jim moved his hands over Blair's body. Jim licked the precum off the tips of Blair's cock. Jim moved his tongue over the length of Blair's organ, thinking nothing could be more perfect or beautiful. Jim enclosed the tip in his mouth and started to suck on it pulling more length in as he his tongue moved over it.

Blair was reduced to monosyllables as Jim worked on his organ. "Jim, Oh, man." Blair watched amazed his cock rubbed against the roof of Jim's mouth. No woman had ever worked him so long and intensively. "Jim, that was incredible." Blair pulled Jim's head toward his and kissed him tasting his fluid in Jim's mouth.

"You taste good."

"I do." Blair was too anxious to reciprocate and wrapped his arms around Jim and was off to sleep. Blair woke finding his head on Jim's shoulder and his arms around him tightly. Blair needed to use the bathroom badly but he didn't want to disturb the larger man. Blair moved the arms lightly; Jim opened his eyes momentarily and then closed them. Blair started the coffee after using the bathroom.

*

Jim came downstairs in his briefs and athletic shirt as the breakfast was cooking. "Are you teaching a class today?"

Blair looked at the calendar for a moment; he couldn't remember what day of the week it was. "Like usual. It isn't until 9:25 and it isn't seven yet. Shit, I walked out, yesterday. They might have someone else teach my class." Blair started to make his usual algae shake.

"I doubt it. The university is slow. Go in. You can put a few of your books back in your office."

"They could have gave that closet to someone else."

"Not in a day."

"I made you your heart attack on a plate for breakfast." Blair put the eggs and toast on a plate. "The bacon will be done in a moment."

"Thanks, you didn't have to make me breakfast."

"I might not have an income for awhile." Blair continued to gather the ingredients for his morning shake.

"Chief, you're still teaching." Jim served himself the bacon. "You have an income until May and they're always short teachers for the summer semester."

Blair put the ingredients into a blender for his algae shake into the blender. "This changes our relationship. I slept in your bed last night."

"The guys in Major Crimes have seen us as married for years. Chief, it only changes things if you let it." Jim took his plate and mug of coffee to the table. "The men in blue have called you my wife for over a year. They walk by me and whisper, 'How is the Missus?' like it is some big secret that I live with you."

"And what do you say?"

"That Sandburg is fine and I thank them for asking. Stop making a mountain out of a molehill. It's better they think you're my domestic partner than we let the world know that I need your help to prevent autistic behaviors."

"Jim, you're going to have to guide me in this. I've never been with a man before you." Blair was embarrassed talking about sex with Jim. He had made himself out to be such a ladies' man around Jim. He could admit that he had very little actual experience. Jim's sexual knowledge intimated him and he felt so shy and modest in comparison.

"I don't have much experience myself. There're books and tons of information on the Internet."

"Sex is one of those things that experience is the best teacher. I didn't know what to do last night. I was intimidated by your experience. I didn't want you to see me as clumsy."

"You can be awkward with me." Jim smiled in Blair's direction.

God, Jim was beautiful when he smile. Jim smiled at him and he felt better about the world for a moment. Blair poured his drink into a glass, collecting his thoughts. "People have been calling me queer for years but I never took the label seriously because I knew I wasn't. Now, when someone whispers about me or yells faggot at me, it'll feel different."

"It's only a label."

"When I was younger, I would be called a bastard; you tell yourself that they couldn't know but it still hurts just as much." Blair sat at the table with his thick green drink.

"Just add it to your collection. It doesn't have to hurt." Jim sipped his coffee. He had nearly finished eating his eggs, bacon and toast.

Blair put the half empty glass down. "I'm not as thick skinned as you. The week before Christmas break, I was drowned in a fountain in the early morning. I should have been grading papers and making plans for the four weeks between the fall and spring semester. We should have spent a week of it camping not chasing a sociopath across the continent. You put a gun at me, threw me out, brought me back from the other side, and unpacked my things into my little room while I lay in that hospital bed. You insisted that I sign out against medical orders to come home to you and then you leave to chase a mad woman. I'm more than a little burned out."

"Blair, I love you more than anything. I couldn't be more sorry for what I did to you. I felt betrayed when you went to Alex behind my back. I know you didn't understand. If I could change what I did, I would. I never wanted to see you hurt."

"I was dead. You pulled me back to this world of pain. Why did you go after me?"

"I love you. You mean everything to me; how could you ask? If you died, I would have considered putting a bullet to my own head. I can't make it without you."

"Let me die next time. Please, when the angel of death comes for me, allow me to go."

"Finish your shake. You're getting thin."

"Jim, promise me that you won't go after me to the other world."

"I can't." Jim rested his head on his hands like he had a migraine for a moment. He couldn't imagine life without his guide. Jim knew he couldn't function without Blair. Blair calmed him without even knowing it. Blair's hand on his back or just the soothing sound of his voice kept Jim grounded. He couldn't live without Blair.

"I should be dead."

"You aren't dead." Jim raised his head.

"I can feel that with every breath that I take. I love you. Jim, I know that I should thank you for bringing me back but I can't. It hurts too much." Blair had thanked Jim many times for breaking police procedure by saving his life after he had eaten the golden tainted pizza. This was different; he was dead. When Alex said she was going to kill him, he made his peace. He closed his eyes and waited for the bullet.

"All I want is your love." Jim ate the last of his food and drank his coffee.

"You have it." Blair washed Jim and his dishes after Jim left for work. Blair felt like he had just became Jim's wife; he wasn't going to be submissive to Jim the rest of his life. He didn't sign up for this when he became Jim's guide. Blair was tired of taking the fall for Jim. Part of him wanted to leave even if it meant that Jim would die without him. Why did the gods make him Jim's guide? He gave Incacha his promise; he would be Jim's shaman. Jim had brought him back to life; it was only fair that he gave Jim his life. He still felt weak and lost like his life didn't matter. He shouldn't let all that happen in the last few months let him down, but he didn't have his dissertation or any goals for the future. He felt like a housewife living for someone else's benefit.

---

After his class, Blair put a note of his office door that he wasn't holding office hours for the day (No one had taken his office, yet.) and drove home. He felt like he was crying in the inside. He didn't know if Jim truly loved him or he was just making due. Jim played him that song. He looked up the lyrics on the Internet and it made his feel weak in his knees to think that he meant that much to Jim. Did Jim really mean all the words to the song, "Shameless" or did he just think a few described their relationship? Jim talked about unable to live without Blair; Blair didn't want to be responsible for Jim's life. He had enough trouble just living at this moment. Blair knew he shouldn't be here. Indigo Girls's music suited his mood. Listening to the CD, Rites of Passage, Blair thought about how life seemed absurd; the songs on the album talked about life, death, and reincarnation. Strange the words for the song, Virginia Woolf, moved him.

Some will strut and some will fret see this an hour on the stage others will not but they'll sweat in their hopelessness in the rage we're all the same the men of anger and the women of the page they published your diary and that's how i got to know you key to the room of your own and a mind without end here's a young girl on a kind of a telephone line through time the voice at the other end comes like a long-lost friend so i know i'm alright my life will come my life will go still i feel it's alright I just got a letter to my soul when my whole life is on the tip of my tongue empty pages for the no longer young the apathy of time laughs in my face you say each life has its place.

Blair had made his peace; he had gone to the other side. Was he here because Jim still needed him? Was Jim's love for him the only reason that he returned to the world of the living? Was he obligated by the very act of breathing to love Jim? Their souls had merged when the moment before Blair started to cough and suffocate in pain.

Jim's hyper senses prevented him from having a relationship with a woman. Jim could only have sex with a woman if he turned all his dials down and was very careful, but that was no way to live. Of course, once Jim had a relationship for several months with a woman and trusted her, he might be able to tell her that he was a sentinel and how to deal with his enhanced senses; however, until then he had to keep his senses under strict control near a woman or he could zone. Jim had often cut dates short in fear that he would lose control with a woman after the incident with Laura. It was very rare for Jim to be out all night after that incident. Blair couldn't remember Jim having more than one date with a woman in a very long time.

Blair was the only one that Jim felt safe with his dials turned up. Need wasn't the same as love. Blair suspected that sex that easily caused spikes or zone outs. Without enhanced senses, sex was intense; he couldn't imagine what it was like for Jim. He needed someone he could touch and not be afraid of losing control along side. Blair was better than Rosie Palm and her five sisters, but he wanted more than to be Jim's fuck buddy. He wanted love and a commitment from Jim; perhaps, that wasn't it, he didn't want to feel used because he was convenient. Then, last night had been so good. He never felt so loved as Jim's hands moved over his body so slowly.

---

Jim put his thumb on Blair's lower lip. Blair was trembling. Jim bent down slightly and kissed Blair. Jim bit Blair's lip a little as it trembled below Jim's lips. Slowly Jim opened his mouth and slipped a bit of tongue into Blair's mouth. Jim tangled his hand in Blair's hair. Jim could turn up his sense of taste and smell without the fear of being overwhelmed. He tasted Blair's stomach gas first and filtered out that unpleasant taste. Better. Jim kissed him deeper filtering out the unpleasant smells and tastes. Blair was so nervous in his arms. Jim directed them to the sofa and they kissed deeper. Blair kissed so well; Jim would just have to get him over his nervousness. "Babe, Simon wants you to fill out an application for the academy immediately."

"I'm only your police partner."

"No, Baby. You're my partner in everything. You don't have to go to the academy. You said that you were bored with the merry-go-round of academic life."

"Maybe I need a slow junior college to teach at. The last three years of my life have been a little crazy."

"Just come into the office in the morning and fill out the paperwork.You can always change your mind."

"Why are you home early?"

Jim put his arms around Blair. "Simon sent me home, telling me to comfort you. I told him that you left Rainier because they wouldn't let you change the subject of your thesis."

Blair pulled away from Jim. "You did what!"

Jim stroked Blair's face. "He's our friend."

"Did you tell him that we were fucking, too?"

"You make it sound like something dirty." As his finger went through Blair's loose curls, Jim kissed the tip of Blair's nose. "Beautiful, why we shower and change? We could go out to an early dinner and watch a video." Jim kissed Blair's forehead. "Have the first shower."

"Aren't you afraid that I'll use up all the hot water?"

"Then, I'll have to join you."

"I have never showered with another man."

"Then, it's something that you have to try." Jim ruffled Blair's hair before heading into the kitchen. "Get your shower."

"We're dating."

"We have been living together for three years; don't you think it's a little late to start dating?"

"I mean as exclusive." Blair walked over to his French doors, pretending to stamp his feet. He had showered in the morning but he could brush his teeth and wash the off the morning sweat.

Jim joined Blair in the shower. "Sweetheart, I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. I have fantasized about being with you for many months. Being with you is a dream come true. I have never loved anyone the way that I love you."

"As in forever." Blair soaped Jim's back

"If it was legal to marry you, I would in a moment."

"You were married to Carolyn for less than two years. You must have felt something intense for her to marry her."

"I didn't love her the way that I love you. I didn't know it was possible to love anyone as much as I love you. This is for life. I want your face to be the first thing that I see in the morning." Jim washed Blair's back. "Your hair is getting wet."

"It'll dry." One moment Blair was nervous about being naked with Jim and the next it seemed like the most natural thing in the world. He loved Jim but he didn't know if it was enough. He didn't feel the intensity that Jim described. Jim was attractive and made his heat beat faster. Blair was aroused but Jim's hands were all over him; a naked woman in the shower could do the same thing. Blair wondered if he was suddenly bisexual or did his arousal have to do with his spirit joining Jim's on the spiritual plane. Why did he make it so complicated? He wanted Jim and Jim wanted him; it should be the easiest thing in the world.

"It won't. It's supposed to rain this evening." Jim kissed Blair under the running water. "I could get used to kissing you. Your lips are quite kissable."

Blair looked into Jim's eyes. "You don't feel odd kissing or groping another man."

"Not if that man is you." Jim wrapped his arms around Blair.

Blair stepped out the shower using several towels to dry himself wringing his hair out with the last one.

"Thai?" Jim didn't say a word about all the towels thrown aside. Jim used the one small towel that Blair managed not to toss on the ground.

"That sounds great. I love Thai coffee."

Jim put his hands on Blair's shoulder. "Baby, we could have a late dinner and shake the sheets."

"My stomach is grumbling. After dinner, I'm all yours." Blair stared at Jim during dinner at a nearly empty restaurant. Blair drank his iced Thai coffee looking at Jim wondering if he wanted to spend the rest of his life with this man by his side. Blair didn't know but he knew that he wanted more nights like the previous night. He wanted to skip the movie and go straight to bed.

"Baby, what are you thinking?" Jim loved the flavors of the food in front of him. The peppers, vegetables, seafood each had a unique flavor. He had asked for Thai hot but he was amazed that he could still taste all the subtle flavors under all that heat. Hot sauce only caused him to spike if he didn't know it was there. If he was prepared for it, the burn caused a rather pleasant sensation. Nothing could be better than well-seasoned food and his guide's company.

"That forever doesn't seem long enough."

"I didn't mean to frighten you. You mean the world to me."

"Last night was incredible. I never felt so loved."

"Every night could be like last night. I want you beside me every night. I slept so well hearing you beside me feeling your body pressed against mine."

"Jim, it seems too easy."

"It's that easy."

Blair took a bite of his food. "You would give up women for me."

"I haven't had much luck with women since my divorce. I can't remember having the same woman in my bed two nights in a roll. I only dated them because I couldn't have you."

"Alex, Laura?"

"That was some sentinel thing. With Laura, you figured it out to be a pheromone thing and it didn't happen again. I don't know what will happen if I meet another female sentinel, but at least, I'll know what I'm up against."

"I'll help you with whatever we come across. I would never turn my back on you."

"Can you give up the ladies?"

"I have turned down many ladies to spend the night with you over the years. I rather spend my nights with you; it isn't a hard choice." Many times, Blair flirted with a woman but when he thought about it; he didn't want to date her. He made excuses that he didn't have the money or time to date but he just preferred to spend his time off with his roommate.

Jim smiled. "I've done the same thing. Doesn't it feel better to be honest about what you feel?"

"I don't know what I'm feeling."

"Do you love me?" Jim's smile seemed to brighten the small restaurant.

"I love you."

"Good. After I pay the bill, I'll make you feel good."

"Jim, I have never been with a man before you."

"Your body will know what to do. Just do what feels right. Baby, we don't have to rush into anything."

"I want it all."

"You'll have it all. I love you so much. It was so hard for me to say this the first time."

"I don't know how I'm going to walk into the station tomorrow morning." Blair finished his food and ordered another Thai coffee.

"Baby, nothing has changed."

"Simon knows that you have been fucking me. Gossip spreads fast."

"Simon has thought that since you before you moved in with me; he laughed when I told him that it was a new development. Baby, just fill out your paperwork; no one will snicker at you." Jim wanted to tell that Blair that he let the other detectives think Blair was his a long time. No one knew that he needed Blair for his problems with his senses. It was better that people thought he kept the pretty graduate student around for his own reasons. Jim had never let Blair pay rent and they were always in each other's space. A few of the men gave Jim some harsh words for his choice of roommate but most didn't see it as their business.

"In an nearly all male closed society."

"I'm not the only gay cop in the station. Blair most of the comments around the station are favorable. It's almost the twenty first century. People don't care that I'm sleeping with my twenty something male roommate; they have their own problems to deal with. Sandburg, grow up."

"Why did you wait so long?"

"I need you as a guide more than I need you as a lover. If you weren't my guide, I would have fucked you the night after you saved me from the garbage truck. You have a fine ass. I have been watching it since you pushed me under that truck. You were so cute yelling at the wind as I walked away. Everything about you has me mesmerized."

"This isn't a joke."

"Laugh. You're so beautiful when you smile." Jim touched Blair's face lightly.

"You think I'm beautiful."

"I always have. I love looking at you and your voice is like heaven. Your voice can bring me out of the deepest zone out and, at other times, it is the sexy, most soothing sound that I have ever heard. I don't remember every word that you say but I love listening to every sound that you make. I'm completely and hopeless devoted to you."

"This is too much for me."

"Just accept it one day at a time. Do you see yourself with anyone else?"

"I have hoped to find a woman. That's ridiculous since I'm married to you and have been for a long time. I didn't want to admit it."

"Chief, it'll be alright."

"As long as I have you beside me. Jim, I know this sounds crazy, but I want go dancing with you. I want to hold you in my arms and know you're mine. I want to hear your heartbeat surrounded by music."

"I might remember a gay club or two from my vice days. Baby, I would love to dance with you."

"We will have to tell your father and my mother than we're a couple." Blair finished his last drop of coffee.

"Steve assumed that we were and I didn't correct him. I know it sounds weird that I like that other people thought we were a couple. I think your mother believes us to be a couple; we held hands during much of her visit and she did show me your baby pictures."

"Steve has probably told your dad."

"I'll tell him in person. He shouldn't learn that his son is queer through the rumor mill." The waitress came by with the bill and Jim paid it. "We find a place we can slow dance."

"I'll tell Naomi too, but I think she already knows how I feel about you."

"Let's go." Jim put his hand on Blair's hand before they walked to the door.

Blair walked to the truck realizing his hand was touching Jim's hand as they walked side by side even when they weren't holding hands. His body language told people that he was with Jim and it probably had for a long time if he had been willing to pay attention to it. Blair felt weary of trying to form a new self-identity; he needed a new definition of himself that included James Ellison as his lifetime companion and lover. As they walked in Downtown Cascade, Blair knew that James Ellison was the only one that he would ever love like his spirit guide the wolf; he would mate for life.

---

Blair knocked on Simon's office door. "Captain Banks, I have to speak to you." Blair's voice shook with nervousness.

"What is wrong?" the captain sounded concerned.

"My advisor won't look at my proposal for my Thin Blue Line dissertation. I told him that I couldn't turn in the dissertation on my sentinel research."

"Sit down," Simon said. "Relax. Ellison told me what happened."

"I couldn't turn it in. I was no longer objective; I knew my subject too well. There was no way I could hide his identity."

"You could move out before you publish."

"People see us as a couple. I can no longer protect his identity. It's over. I want to start at the academy. Jim said that you had applications."

Simon Banks handed him an application. "Fill it out and I'll get you on the waiting list. Sandburg, you could get a job teaching; are you sure this is what you want?"

"I lost interest in the merry-go-round of academic life and fell in love with the roller coaster of police work. If I was so concerned about my academic career, I would have realized that I couldn't study sentinels after our return from Peru."

"Why then?"

"I had enough information by that point but I couldn't write it: me, who can write papers after only a month or two of research."

"Fill out the application. I'll make sure it is on the right desk."

"Thanks, Captain Banks."

Blair filled out the application downplaying his education and accenting on all the work that did with Major Crimes the last three years. Detective Ellison put his hand on Blair's shoulder. "We're needed to answer a call."

"I'll finish filling it out in the truck. Jim, am I doing the right thing?"

"Chief, another university will want you. You can teach with a masters' degree. Rainier will hire you as a part-time teacher. I could help you pay off your student loans until something better came along."

"You can't do police work without me."

"I can sit behind a desk." Jim pushed the elevator button.

"Jim, this is far greater than any research paper."

"Sandburg, it frightens me to know that I need you as much as I do. I don't zone out because just your hand on my back or the sound of your voice stops me." Jim opened the doors of the Ford truck. "I don't want you feel like I pressured you into the academy."

"You're my life. I should have known when I pushed you under that garbage truck that being a guide was a lifetime commitment."

"I have my senses under control. I might not be able to work the streets without you, but I can handle a desk job."

"You need to use your senses. You're miserable when you hold them inside."

"If you get into the academy."

"Simon hasn't said anything about my observer pass."

"He knows that I need you."

"What is the game plan?"

"A break-in."

"It doesn't sound like a Major Crime."

"It's one of a series." Jim asked a few questions and Blair filled his notebook with his observations. Jim thanked the business owner for his time. Jim collected a few hair fragments from the shelves where the equipment had been and fingerprints. He dusted the doorknob but he feared that the thieves' prints were long covered over. There were two other robberies on the block and computer equipments were stolen at the other location. He would talk to the other officers involved and get a report from forensics.

As Jim was following through on the paperwork, Blair asked Megan to join him for a late lunch. "Sure, Sandy, I don't have a date on Friday night. Pitiful?" Megan said. "I can see that you need a shoulder to cry on. Things okay between you and Jimbo?"

"I don't know where to begin. Rainier turned its back on me. I feel like I'm going through the motions since the drowning."

"We'll take my car. I don't trust the Volvo."

"It just got out of the shop, but you can drive if you prefer; I'm easy." Jim had taken him in this morning so the Volvo was outside the loft. Blair joined Megan in her compact car.

"What's up?"

"I'm anxious about my relationship with Jim. It isn't that Jim isn't a great guy, but since returning from Sierra Verde, I don't know what to say to him."

"A guy that puts a gun at you, kicks you out and kisses a total stranger. Blair, you need to find someone that will respect you. There are many nice guys out there. Sandy, Jimbo isn't one of them."

"I'm in love with him."

"How long have you been a couple?"

"I've lived with him three years."

"It's the sentinel thing?"

"I used the sentinel thing as a way to keep myself out of that handsome man's bed. Now, that I have thrown the paper into the rubbish bin, I'm in his bed where I should have been all along."

"Did you toss it because you love the oaf?"

"I tossed it because I couldn't be objective. I doubt I ever could. I was in love with him the moment that he stepped into my office."

"And he felt that way about you."

"He was afraid that he'd chase me away. You know me always hitting on the ladies and pushing Jim out of the way. Jim needed my help with his senses too much to risk our relationship over sex."

"I don't know what advice to give you."

"You aren't going to laugh that Jim and I finally caught a clue."

"I lost money on the office pool long ago."

"It has been quite some time. If you were Jim, would you have waited so long?"

"If I had as much to lose."

"Jim told me this morning that he would have killed himself if I had died at the fountain."

Megan put her arm around him when they arrived at the restaurant. "It's on me. I know you are short."

"I'm always short."

"You said it, not me. Sandy, I know you're frightened. Don't stay with Jimbo because you're afraid that he'll kill himself if you don't."

"I have never had someone need me like that."

"He's using you."

"I love him so much. I fear I can't give him what he needs."

Megan packed the car two spaces from the door of an expensive hamburger place. "Just tell him that you love him and hold him a lot."

"He'll be jealous that I'm with you instead of helping him with his mountain of paperwork."

"It's cute that Jimbo is insecure. Did you put an application in for the academy?"

"This morning."

"Sandy, you don't have to become a cop to protect Jim."

"I like solving crimes and being one of the good guys."

The waitress came to their table. "Are you ready to order?"

"I'll have what's on tap," Megan said.

"We have several on tap." The waitress listed them.

"Ale," Megan said.

"Lager," Blair said. "I will have the veggie burger and the fresh fruit side."

"Sir, can I see some ID?" the waitress asked.

"Of course." Blair took out his driver's license.

"Thank you," the waitress handed Blair back his license. "Ma'am."

"Burger with Swiss, and fries," Megan said.

"I'll put your order in," the waitress said and walked back to the kitchen.

"She didn't ask me for ID," Megan pretended to whine. "What am I old?"

"I can't help it that I have a baby face," Blair said. "Sometimes, I get tired of it. Funny, they rarely card me when I'm out with Jim."

"I'm not surprised," Megan said. "After we eat, I'll drop you off at your car."

"My car is at the loft; Jim brought me in. Do the guys jeer Ellison when I'm not there?"

"Ellison is rather moody."

"No one thinks it's funny that a big scary ex-Army ranger is obsessed with a cute little grad student."

"Nothing cruel. Rafe and Brown say that he's easier to work with when you're there. I hope you get through the academy and are permanently assigned to him. He's a bear when you aren't about."

"Simon has told me. I don't want to make things worse for him at the station. I know I'll receive abuse at the academy for being a brown-nosing, little faggot. I can hear it now. I won't have big James Ellison to protect me."

"You deserve to be there. You worked very hard for three years; you're more knowledgeable than the other cadets."

"True. I fear my position with Major Crimes will make me more enemies than friends. People will think I got in because I'm fucking Detective Ellison."

"You're a good police officer. You solved dozens of cases since I've been here. You aren't here because you're Ellison's boyfriend. Please, Banks would have never kept you here more than a week if that were the case."

"I feel like people will just think I'm getting an easy ride because I have been working in Major Crimes."

"You haven't had an easy time of it. Sandy, you have more guts than 99% of those cadets. Feel free to talk to me about anything."

"Thanks, Megan." Blair saw Jim approach the table. "Join us, Man."

"I will go," Megan said.

"Finish your burger and beer," Jim said. "I don't bite."

"Sandy?" Megan looked at Blair across the table.

Blair smiled. "Jim, I'm sorry that I left you with a mound of paperwork."

"You're still working for free," Jim said. "I need your signature on a few forms."

"I don't believe they require an unpaid observer to sign anything," Megan said.

Jim yelled for a beer as the waitress came by.

"In a minute, Sir," the waitress called back.

"Simon is going to talk to Finkelman about getting you on the payroll," Jim said.

"I'll find another table," Megan said. "I'll leave your boys to talk."

"Can we just have a civil conversation?" Blair asked.

"What were you two talking about?" Jim asked.

"You," Megan said.

"I'll sit at the bar until she leaves." Jim left the table and sat on an empty stool at the bar.

Blair walked over to him and put his hand on Jim's shoulder. "Honey, you know all the gossip at the station. I'm the one in the dark. Don't be too angry at her."

"I don't like you spying on me," Jim said. "I want an ale."

The barmaid filled a glass for him. "Sir, 2.95."

Jim paid for the beer. "Baby, I'll join you in a moment. Eat your veggie burger."

"You should try to get along with Megan," Blair said.

"So she can laugh behind our backs," Jim said.

"Come on. You're the big strong sentinel and I'm a little nerdy professor. It's funny. She probably thinks we're cute together."

"She thought we were together since we picked her up from the airport."

"Come on. She was driving a taxi on the wrong side of the road." Blair laughed. "She yelled at me to shoot out the tires. I yelled back at her that I didn't have a gun."

"Yeah, she totaled the taxi. Pissed Simon off."

"You totaled Simon's new car."

"So we're both in the dog house." Jim drank the rest of his beer and ordered another one. "Your burger is getting cold."

Megan left a twenty on the table to cover her food and beer. Blair returned to the table and ate his cold veggie burger. The waitress asked Blair if he wanted another beer. He nodded as Jim started his third.

"Buddy, you should slow down," Blair said. "I'm going to have to drive your truck home."

"I hate the insurance company. I had to buy a truck older than you," Jim whined.

"My Volvo is a '62 like you," Blair teased.

"Very funny. I'm lucky I'm not a car."

"It's a classic."

"Piece of shit." Jim was starting to feel good. "For your birthday, I'm going to buy you a real car. You'll be 30 and your insurance rates will drop. You didn't put a claim on Corvair."

"It wasn't worth anything. It's a shame we can't get married. A married man rates are lower."

"I would just bring your rates up."

"Yeah. You did total 2 cars in 2 years and that doesn't count the cars from the motor pool."

"It was in the line of duty."

"Just admit you're a reckless driver."

Jim ordered a fifth beer.

"Honey," the waitress said. "You had enough."

"I think she is right. Let's pay the lady and I'll drive you home," Blair said.

"How many did you have?" Jim asked.

"Two. I'm fine."

Jim slowly counts out the money.

"Were did you park the '69?"

"It's still in the city garage." Jim got on his feet.

"We better start walking. I hope you aren't arrested for drunk and disorderly as I walk you back to your truck."



The End



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