Title: Precious Illusions

Author: Castalie

Show: The Sentinel

Rating: NC-17

Pairings: Jim/Blair

Status: Complete

Category: Drama

Precious Illusions

by Castalie

As he watched his lover quietly reading one of his huge and beloved books while waiting for their friends to arrive for dinner, Jim suddenly thought how strange life could be... In particular, how deceiving the appearance of things and *people* could be. He wondered how Blair could be seen as someone totally different from what he really was. The way he unconsciously altered reality and made people think he was someone else, someone with a happy, if unconventional childhood, someone with self confidence, someone with a sex life history so fulfilled he could only have been happy. There were so many different and false Blairs, Jim couldn't even begin to count them all. He didn't want to anyway, not anymore. Those Blairs were only illusions, personas that the young man hadn't even known he was hiding behind.

To be honest, Jim himself hadn't understood any of this. He’d believed the image he’d seen. The thing was, he hadn't even thought to look beyond that. Blair seemed perfectly happy as he was, in his little academic world --with those dangerous incursions into Jim's world, granted-- but overall, Blair had seemed to be a healthy young man with no major issues.

Jim should have begun to have some doubts when he first heard of his Guide's panic attacks, or how the young man had apparently been in and out of therapy all his life... He remembered dismissing the thought as something normal for someone like Blair - therapy was just another way of leading feelings to the surface or whatever... Some detective he was! And some friend too! How could he have made fun of that? This wasn't *normal*, one didn't have panic attacks just like that. A panic attack wasn't something amusing that first appeared out of nowhere, it was a serious symptom of deeper problems. And therapy? Most people would rather lose a leg than accept any kind of therapy --he knew, he’d been one of them--, stupid thought or not, it was the truth. To think Blair --a much younger Blair-- had participated in what appeared to be more than one type of therapy, should have troubled Jim a little more. But it hadn't and he’d kept on living with Blair, watching the young man live his life without ever doubting anything he had in front of his eyes. It had been Blair's fault as much as his, that's what he always told himself. How could you try to heal someone when you didn't even know there was a disease to begin with? He wasn't being fair, of course, for Blair himself hadn't known anything was wrong with him.

Jim would have loved to say that he’d begun to understand his partner when he’d fallen in love with him, but that would have been a lie. No, the truth was, he had realized something was wrong a month after they had made love for the first time... a whole month.

Knowing what he knew now, it made him inwardly flinch. He sometimes hated himself for not having seen the problem right away, hated himself for having fucked Blair that first time as if he was nothing more than a whore. He just hadn't realized the young man hadn't been *playing* -he hadn't understood that Blair hadn't known any better.

Their first time should have been loving and tender, long and slow. Not that he hadn't told Blair he loved him while he was fucking him through the mattress --thank God, he'd at least had the sense to take Blair upstairs to his bed first and not to do him right here on the floor-- but that wasn't the first time he had wanted and even dreamed of. He’d put the violence of the act on the heat of the moment -too much unresolved sexual tension that just needed to be let go, two men who had known what they wanted and had just acted on their needs.

Jim snorted inwardly, ‘two’ men who had known what they'd wanted? He sure had, but Blair- Blair was another matter all right. The young man just hadn't known it could have been different. Being nailed to the mattress, being manhandled, physically marked as he had been by a more than excited Jim, had been normal to him -just the way things always were. And Jim still loathed himself for having been ‘like all the others’, just another man who got rough with Blair in the name of love and passion. Don't get him wrong, he loved rough sex, and rough sex with Blair was something- indescribable, but with the healed and new Blair, not the old one. The new one knew the difference between violent sex and rough, but still loving sex. The new Blair knew what love really was about. The former Blair hadn't, and *that* was what had almost broken Jim's heart.

There were so many things he’d missed, so many details that should have given the ‘game’ away. One thing in particular would stay branded in his mind forever, how could *he*, Sentinel that he was, have missed all those little cuts on Blair's inner thighs that first time he had finally seen him naked? How?!

The answer to that question was easy, easy and sad even. The truth was, he had been so frantic trying to roll the young man on his belly to fuck him he hadn't even noticed anything... he’d just had one goal, to bury himself so deep in his Guide no one would be able to tell where he began and Blair ended. Blair's moans and cries had almost been too much for him, the scents and the taste of Blair had almost sent him into a zone. He hadn't known anything else other than the body writhing and squirming beneath him. He had been *that* focused on the hot, velvety sensation around his cock and the warm feeling of the more than willing body under him. Blair had enjoyed himself, his orgasm had been driven out of him with a fierce joy, but Jim had realized much later that the young man just hadn't understood that they had been fucking and not actually *making love*. He hadn’t known there was a difference.

***

Jim fidgeted in his seat. Blair looked up from his book and gave him a soft smile. He couldn't help answering it with a small smile of his own. Apparently happy with that quiet exchange, Blair resumed his reading. He knew his partner sometimes indulged himself in small reminiscing sessions, and accepted the fact that the older man *needed* to. He guessed it was a way for his Sentinel to realize how far they had come together and how much he had healed, thanks to Jim, during the last twelve months. When he saw that far away look on Jim's face, a different one from the famous ‘zoning’ warning, he let the older man alone, and waited for him to come to whatever conclusion he wanted.

Jim turned his attention back to the TV, not really watching it, but not wanting his lover to become embarrassed from the scrutiny, even a loving one, though he was sure Blair knew what was going through his head anyway. He needed the little illusion of *secrecy,* so he silently thanked Blair for not making a fuss.

His mind was back on what Blair had told him that first morning. Jim had a very good memory. He wondered, sometimes, if his enhanced senses provocated it; he wasn’t really sure, but he guessed it was a good explanation. He knew it helped him remember things he *thought* he had forgotten, but that was different. He just knew he was also able to remember what *Blair* told him on a regular basis. Maybe that was just a Jim/Blair thing... he kinda liked it, actually. And those words Blair had said to him that morning were burned into his mind like a brand. Not because it had been the trigger for understanding the whole Blair psyche --far from it-- but because, afterwards, that had been the exact moment when he *should* have begun to realise there was a problem.

They’d been in bed, lazily taking comfort in the other’s presence, when Jim decided he would apologize to Blair for the rough treatment of the night before. Blair had just shut him up with a kiss- sincerely not understanding there was anything to apologize for.

"Why do you want to apologize to me, Jim? You love me and you proved it to me last night. That was wonderful, so good." Blair nuzzled him and whispered in his ear, a ‘Thank you, Jim’ so full of love and longing, even after what they had shared just a couple of hours ago, that Jim felt his throat tighten.

"You're more than welcome, Chief. It was good for me too... hell, it was more than good, but I just needed you to understand, next time won't be like that. I'll show you how I can make love to you, all right?" Soft kisses.

"You *did* show me, Jim. And I love you for that."

A big smile appeared on the Sentinel's face, making him look younger. "I love you too, Chief.» He seemed to taste the words. «It feels good saying it out loud."

Blair sent him a mischievous look and kissed him, smiling, "Let me try it then. I love you, Jim." His eyes brightened even more. "Oh yeah... definitely something I want to say more, man," he put himself on top of Jim and buried his head in the crook of his neck, "and definitely something I want to hear more as well."

Jim stroked his back, caressing as much of the warm skin as he could under his sensitive hands. He couldn't get enough of that sweet body. "I think I can reassure you, baby, » Jim answered, smiling to himself at the ease he used the endearment. «That shouldn’t be a problem.»

Tenderness was quickly forgotten and things rapidly heated up when Blair moved down over Jim's body toward a very eager part of his anatomy, which rose up immediately at the attention. The ‘sweet and tender next time’ Jim wanted for Blair was forgotten. Jim's rational thoughts were thrown to the wind once again, his only focus being the deep secrets of Blair's willing and pliant body. He lubed himself quickly, positioned Blair on his hands and knees just as quickly, and, urged on by the younger man's pleas, he prepared his Guide to the minimum before burying himself deep inside, to the root, and god it felt so good... The realization that his Guide must have been sore from the previous night’s activities briefly sent a warning into his febrile mind, but since the body under him seemed so eager to be pounded and to be pounded *right now*, he dismissed the thought and began thrusting hard *and* fast.

Whose fault was it then? In those cases, who was at fault? The one topping who did not take the time to ask whether his partner was sore or not from the previous night, or the one bottoming who didn't care that his backside actually hurt? To Jim, the question still remained a mystery, but he couldn't help feeling guilty. He had hurt Blair that morning, oh nothing too serious, thank God, but he *had* hurt his lover! Something he never imagined he could do. It had never happened before, he’d always been cautious with his bedmates, even when it was just for a one night stand. Since Jim was one of those men who preferred to top --and no it wasn't because he was taller and stronger than most of his partners, or because he was a "macho cop" or whatever, it had nothing to do with that…it just *was*. He sometimes bottomed, just really not often-- he always thought it was his responsibility to actually make sure his partners didn't get hurt, no matter how rough he could get. And there he had been that morning, with the man he loved more than anything, and only the second time he had made love to him -no scratch that, the second time he had *fucked* him, he had actually *hurt* him.

That hadn't fazed Blair in the slightest- oh no. It had been "nothing", just a "normal soreness". "So he had bled a little, so what?» Jim hadn't believed his ears. To Blair it had only been something to "remember the night by," and after all, "it always happened, it was just proof of Jim's love for him". Jim had been too stunned to actually say anything. The young man had kissed him goodbye and left for the U, leaving him sitting at the kitchen table, trying to understand what Blair had really meant by his last comment.

He’d left some minutes later, hoping Blair would join him at the station. His hopes had soon been crushed when the young man called him. One of the TA’s had a car accident and the head of the anthropology department had asked Blair to take over his classes for the afternoon.

As was his luck, there had been a break in one of their active cases and Simon had wanted him on a stakeout that night. He hadn't taken the news with good grace, even less than usual, that is. He'd really wanted to have a talk with his lover and knew that he would have to delay the conversation. He hadn't had any choice, though.

As was expected, Jim had come home really late that night, or really early the next morning, depending on your point of view. He’d thought about Blair all day, and the long and boring stakeout without his partner hadn't helped at all! Upon entering the loft though, his mood had definitely brightened: meatloaf had been waiting to be heated in the oven, and even better, Blair had been sleeping upstairs in what had become after only one night *their* bed. The thought had made him smile like an idiot and had --he was ashamed to admit it even now-- made him forget something was possibly wrong with his lover. Coming home from a long and boring day to a meal prepared by his lover, and said lover asleep in their bed, had been more than enough to brighten his spirits. That and the prospect of waking at this wonderful and beautiful man's side every morning.

His spirits had fallen rapidly several weeks later, though. That previous nagging in his mind had quietly grown over the few weeks following the beginning of their relationship, and he had been getting more and more worried.

When he thought back to that first month, Jim always found it interesting to think that the concerns he had actually revolved around their sex life. Thing was, and he had understood it after a while, Blair's ill conception of sex was nothing more than the symptom of a deeper problem. And when he’d realized that, Jim had found the key to everything else.

It hadn't been easy of course, Blair being the master obfuscator, but to his defense, it hadn't really been his fault, since the young man hadn't even known he had a problem. That hadn't helped Jim any though...

The night when he finally found that ‘key’ -or to be more precise, when he *began** to understand there was a key somewhere that would help him understand his lover- he had *made love* to his Guide, not merely fucked him. That night, he had showered Blair's skin with kisses, made him crazy with need by caressing him everywhere he could reach, worshipped the young man's body as he’d never done before. Blair's moans and cries had filled the room, his skin covered with sweat, eyes glassy from sensations he’d never felt before --a fact Jim would realize later-- and he’d never seemed more beautiful to his lover. His hands clenched in the sheets, his head and back arched up, legs bent and spread wantonly to allow room for his mate, he had been one of the most erotic visions Jim had ever seen, he had been beautiful! After a long time simply worshipping Blair’s body, after making love to him with his fingers, Jim had entered him, face to face for the first time, and he’d almost come just from watching his Guide. He had made love to him, long and slow, so long he’d thought he would die, so slow it was excruciating, trying to delay the inevitable. When finally he’d sensed the change in Blair's body, the heat from his skin rising up, the heartbeat racing even faster, he’d accelerated his thrusts and let their orgasms explode… and explode they had. He had lain over Blair's flushed body while his own heart had tried to find a more normal pace and his mind tried to reconnect with the world around him.

***

Even now, several months later, Jim could swear he was able to feel every little --and not so little-sensation he had felt then. Sensory memory…well, for once, he was all for that! It had been a wonderful night, and even now he remembered it with love.

Love and hurt as well.

Hurt because he’d discovered something on Blair's body he’d never noticed before. Once his head had cleared from the heat of their lovemaking, once his mind had taken over the thinking, he’d suddenly frozen. In his brain, it was like a tape being rewound. He hadn't said a word, just loomed over his lover and gently and slowly spread the now relaxed legs. He hadn't listened to Blair's weak protests, there had been something he needed to see and there it was, on his lover's inner thighs -tiny cuts that could have been (and actually *had* been) overlooked if one weren’t paying attention.

"What are those, Blair?" he whispered.

"Nothing," came the soft reply.

"Nothing?" Jim stroked each and every cut. "This isn't nothing, Chief. This is... my God,those are cuts that were deep enough to actually scar!"

"It was a long time ago, it's nothing!"

"Stop saying that." Jim still didn’t raise his voice. It was just more than he could stand. "A long time ago? How long?"

"I don't know, Jim. I don't do it any more."

"HOW LONG?"

Blair opened his mouth and Jim was able to actually *see* the lie in his lover's eyes.

"Don't you *dare* lie to me now, Blair."

The young man closed his eyes in defeat, but didn’t answer.

Jim, now kneeling between his lover's legs, still touching the cuts, looked down at his Guide, not giving an inch. It was too serious, too important. "Some cuts are really old, their scars have almost completely faded away, so I guess you began early." His tone was matter of fact, even if his heart was slowly breaking. "But they're not all *that* old, so were you still doing it as an adult?"

No answer from his lover, his face was blank and his eyes weren’t giving even the tiniest of emotions away, but the Sentinel heard it -a small acceleration of that precious heartbeat.

"Were you still doing it just before we met?"

Still no answer, that face which was usually so open to him was now completely closed... but the heart, the heartbeat was betraying Blair.

Jim swallowed before continuing. "Were you still doing it when we met? After you moved in with me?" Jim's voice tensed, his body strained from the sadness and the hurt he felt for his lover.

Blair's hands were on him, trying to make him move, trying to curl on his side, to hide the marks of his shame. But Jim refused to budge, he felt the need to see the cuts, a vicious and compelling need, and he wasn’t able to turn away or to allow Blair to turn away from him. "After we got together?"

"No."

"Tell me the truth!!"

"I swear, Jim, I stopped before we got together!" The young man said in a shaky but loud voice. "I stopped before we got together! I stopped a few months after I moved in. You have to believe me, Jim." He tried to calm himself then, taking deep breaths, wiping his eyes with his hands like a little boy, the image making Jim ache even more. "Listen to my heartbeat, look at the scars, you’ll know I’m not lying."

After several minutes of excruciating silence, Jim nodded. He lay at his lover's side, allowing the young man to finally close his legs over the accusing marks. They faced each other. His hand came over his lover's face, caressing him with tenderness. "I believe you, Blair. I believe you."

The younger man closed his eyes briefly in relief and gave his mate a watery smile.

"I want you to talk to me now, babe, okay?"

"There's nothing to talk about, Jim. I cut myself in the past, but I stopped."

"Back to square one, aren't we?" Jim's tone became more stern. He knew Blair would try to minimize his destructive behavior. He just needed to understand the pattern that had made Blair do it. "Cutting yourself is not ‘nothing’, Chief, and you know it. Don't give me that shit, is that clear?"

A careful nod was his only answer.

"So, talk to me, Chief, talk."

"I'd like to, Jim. But I don't know what to say. I began cutting myself when I was a kid. I can't really tell you what made me begin, I just know I did it, and even then, I didn't do it often, man, just sometimes... when the compulsion began to be too strong for me to fight it," his voice had trailed off.

"Compulsion?"

"Yeah, you know, the behavioral component of an obsession." He began as if reciting an interesting lesson. "The individual feels compelled to repeat a behavior which has no immediate benefit beyond reducing the anxiety associated with the obsessional idea. For instance, for a person obsessed by the idea that they are dirty, repeated ritual handwashing may serve to reduce anxiety... Compulsion."

Jim didn’t even feel amused by his lover's knowledge like he normally would have been. "And what was your obsession, then? Why did you feel the need to cut yourself? Deep enough to scar."

A shrug. Jim realized he wouldn't receive any satisfactory answers that night.

"I just felt down sometimes. You know how it is, when you're lonely. It was stupid, I know that."

"Stupid? It wasn't stupid, Chief, it was dangerous!"

"Don't over-react. I always controlled what I did. I never hurt myself more than I wan-"

"Don't say it!"

Blair's eyes narrowed, his breathing deepened, as he got himself under control, "I never should have done it, I know that. I understand it."

"I'm not sure you do."

"Jim, don't patronize me!" Blair turned on his back, cutting himself off from his lover.

"Oh, please! That's not what I'm doing and you know it! Don't try to divert me from our discussion."

"You're over-reacting, man and I don't know how to make you understand that. We've been living together for more than three years now, and I stopped cutting myself a couple of years ago. You never saw anything, never smelled anything, never sensed anything. It never made me less reliable or less available or less anything else. We've been together for a month and you never saw it either. So what's the big deal? Just because you changed position while fucking me, you saw something that belongs to the past and now I'm supposed to -- what? Get therapy? Begin to talk aboout my whole past? My not so happy childhood? My former lovers? What?"

"I thought you had a happy childhood, Chief." Was the only thing Jim found to say.

"What?"

"You said ‘not so happy childhood‘."

"It's a matter of speech, man. That's all."

"I would call that a Freudian slip. You know what a Freudian slip is, don't you, Teach?"

That shut Blair up.

After a thoughtful silence from both parties, Blair turned towards Jim and plastered himself on the broad chest. "There's nothing more to say about it, okay? » He whispered. «I stopped cutting myself for you, man. I did it for you. Don't make me talk about it any more. That won't solve anything. There's *nothing* to solve any more."

Jim felt exhausted. He just tightened his grip on the man he loved and whispered a tired "Let's sleep then".

They both fell asleep, clinging to each other as if they had gone through a terrible ordeal that had almost separated them. As if they needed to know the other was still there...

Oh yes, Jim remembered that night with love *and* hurt. To think such a beautiful session of lovemaking had ended so badly. It was more like a bittersweet victory than anything else. The first time he showed Blair real tenderness in bed, and the night ended even more violently, at least in his opinion.

Things hadn't ended there, though... for better or for worse.

***

Almost a year later, sitting on his couch while watching his lover peacefully reading, knowing his demons had almost all been slayed once and for all, Jim would say ‘for better’. At the time though, it had been really tough.

***

The morning after that difficult night, they had eaten together like every other morning, and from Blair's point of view, it had felt as if nothing had happened. He’d talked about the coming day at the U, about a documentary he absolutely wanted to show his students, about a Dr. Darcy who was coming and giving a lecture on socio-linguistics. "Oh man, I'm like so impatient! She is so a star in her field!" He’d talked about everything but the night before. He’d kissed a disappointed Jim, and before he left had turned to him and softly but firmly said, "I told you there's nothing to talk about, man. Don't expect me to start explaining something that belongs to the past. I won't, Jim. You don't have to worry about anything, I'm fine and I'm happy, all right?"

Jim had just nodded and watched him leave.

The following days had been a little strained, but nothing that hadn't been overcome.

Jim had tried to broach the subject several times, but each time, he had been met by a polite, but solid wall. He’d talked with Simon, at first feeling a little ashamed about what he saw as a betrayal of his lover, an invasion of Blair’s privacy, but the older man had reassured him, telling him he just needed some friendly ears, and they’d talked more and more together about his worries. It had been good to be able to talk about Blair and him as a *couple*, to be able to talk as a worried lover instead of a worried friend. He’d never hidden his sexual orientation from Simon. Carolyn had never known about it, but it was more a case of not wanting to tell her because he’d never wanted to hurt her than a real need for secrecy. He hated labels, but, well, he was bisexual and he couldn't do anything about it. Far from the cliché he was sure people imagined, he never gave into his attraction to men when he was in the army, and he never ’experimented’ in Vice. He wasn't a ‘late bloomer’ as they called them, he’d realized when he was in his teens that both men and women turned him on. Granted, he’d only acted on those feelings after his divorce, but he had quickly made up for the wasted years.

***

Jim looked at the clock, they still had time before the Gang -as they called them- arrived. He smiled as he remembered a time when Simon had been the only one who knew about them. Not that Jim wouldn't have wanted Joel, H, Rafe or Megan to know as well, but he instinctively sensed that Blair was the one not ready for that. He’d been right and --still now-- congratulated himself for his insight.

He and Blair had decided to ‘come out’ as a couple to their closest friends just two months before. The Gang was now in their confidence, and Jim felt happier like that. He had too many secrets already, and this one was too important to carry himself. He wanted to be able to be himself, even if only with their closest friends. It had surprised everyone to realize *he* was the one who was the more comfortable about PDOA- well, ‘public’ may have been a little exaggerated, but still, among their friends, he didn't get shy with Blair, sometimes letting a ‘babe’ slip --to everyone's amusement and Blair's mmild-embarrassment the first time he did it-- and more often deliberately initiating a discreet caress or a tender gesture towards the young man.

He wasn't ashamed of his love for Blair, and he didn't want to hide it when he was with his ‘family’. Simon and H, who were both in long term relationships now, never shied away from a caress or a pet name for their girlfriends, and Jim wouldn't either. What he had feared at first was seeing Blair chained to the stereotype persona of the ‘girlfriend,’ but his friends had quickly shown him that was a ridiculous thought. Men they were, men they would stay. It was as simple as that. Reassured once and for all, Jim never hesitated showing his love for Blair anymore.

That was now, of course, now that Blair had learned about love, real love that is, not the perversion he had thought it was. Yes, now, Jim knew Blair felt truly loved every time he stroked his hair or kissed him softly in front of the others. And the Sentinel indulged him by doing it as often as he could. Oh yeah, Jim had surprised more than one friend when he had showed this side of him. He was a tender lover, who loved to kiss, nuzzle or hug *his man*. That also was a side his friends felt honored to witness, to actually see Jim so free and happy --who would have thought?

But to reach that point, well, Jim had fought - and fought like he never had before. Oh, he’d known battles and dangerous missions when he was in Covert Ops, but that had been nothing compared to the battle he had waged for healing the man he loved.

The tiny cuts had only been the proverbial tip of the iceberg.

The confrontation about the cuts had left a bitter taste in Jim's mouth and he’d felt guilty (for a change) for his reaction. Could he have tried to be more sensitive? More attentive? He hadn't yelled or anything, but he still hadn't been able to get any answers out of Blair.

Simon had tried to tell him that Blair was an adult, after all, and there wasn't a lot Jim could have done to make him talk if he didn't want to. The important thing had been to be sure that Blair had really stopped hurting himself. Jim could answer that in the affirmative, there had been no *new* scars on his thighs or any other part of his body- he had checked. Simon had advised Jim not to pressure the young man. It might make it easier for Blair to feel he could confide if Jim didn’t pressure him about it.

Jim, being Jim, had found it really difficult, but he had backed off. He’d been even more attentive to Blair, more patient with him, and definitely more tender. He’d wanted to show him he was loved and safe.

He’d refused to engage in violent sex again, wanting tenderness and sweet passion for his lover. Each time Blair had started to rough things up when they’d been in bed, the Sentinel had changed the pace and begun making love to him, like that first time. Taking his time to touch his Guide, to caress his skin, to kiss him everywhere, taking him in his mouth and bringing him to the verge of ecstasy, preparing him tenderly, making him shake from need with his sweet words...

He hadn't understood that each caress had felt like a blow to Blair, each word of love like an insult.

Blair had become subdued, moody, especially with Jim. It had been as if he was looking for a fight, searching for the detail that would upset his lover and make him react. Jim hadn't understood and had tried to be even more attentive to him, to which Blair had reacted by being even more aggressive. Each of them had engaged in a game, one in which they both ignored the rules.

That period of time still had the power to make Jim flinch. They’d both been so unhappy, both ignoring the reason why.

***

To have the courage to remember what had happened next, Jim felt the need to have his lover near. He gave up his place and sat beside Blair, but that wasn't enough. He gently motioned Blair to stand, which the young man did without a word, just a little smile and his head cocked to the side. Then Jim lay down on the couch and put his lover between his legs leaning back against his chest. Once both men were comfortable, his Guide let his book fall over his own chest, and gazed up at his lover.

"Still remembering bad things, love?" He asked with a soft smile.

"Maybe." His grip on Blair's body tightened a little.

"Maybe... right." He waited a little, casually pretending to resume his reading. "Want to talk about it?"

"No."

"Remember what Dr. Teree said?" asked a stubborn voice.

"Yeah, we need to communicate, to talk to each other."

"So, man? Tell me."

"Later, babe, okay? I just need some time to process this on my own."

"Okay." Blair relaxed on his lover's chest and went back to his book. "But if you don't tell me later ..." The Sentinel could hear the teasing smile in his Guide’s voice «I'll tattle on you and tell Dr. Teree!"

A mocking gasp came from behind him. "You wouldn't dare!"

"Don't count on that, man!"

"You little traitor!" Jim caressed his hand over a ticklish spot of his lover's hipbone and he smiled at the sudden giggles he heard.

"Stop that, Jim!"

"Yeah, well, don't forget I know each and every ticklish spot on that tempting body of yours... and I can make you suffer."

"Oh, you want to play dirty! All right, then." Blair took the guilty hand of his lover to his lips and kissed it softly. "Too bad the Gang is arriving soon, I would love to show you how *I* play dirty, too."

"Is that a threat?"

"It's a promise, man!"

"We'll see tonight, then." Jim smiled and put his hands under Blair's shirt to stroke his belly casually. The young man sighed pleasantly and went back to his book, for good this time. He knew Jim needed to ‘process’ whatever he was remembering. It wasn't too hard to guess what, but it was Jim's wish to do it on his own, and Blair would let him.

Mind back on that time, Jim's hand on his lover's skin helped him to think about the progress that had been made, but --oh yes-- that period had definitely been a hard one.

But it had finally led to the famous Key.

Both men had been miserable, Jim hadn't known what to do. Simon himself had admitted he was out of his depth. All their friends had felt the change, but since the two lovers hadn't come out yet, they’d been unable to help them properly. Jim had almost believed no one would be able to help, actually. He’d watched his lover fade in front of his eyes, not understanding where the aggressiveness had come from. It had been all the more confusing that hostility gave way to passivity, to submission, in the blink of an eye. Jim had known his lover was sending signals, but their meanings had been more than obscure.

He’d finally learned what the whole thing was about one night. Unfortunately for him- he learned the hard way.

Jim came home very late, in the middle of the night, really- the stakeout wasn’t the only thing to blame, he’d agreed to go because, deep inside, he couldn't bear the thought of coming home to a silent and hurting lover. He felt ashamed of his cowardness, but he was exhausted, mentally exhausted if not physically, and the thought that there was nothing he could do for his mate had been too much for once. Blair and he hadn't exchanged more than a few words in the last couple of days and he just hadn't wanted to come home and face the tension. He really needed a break. He’d left an evasive message on the answering machine, and left for the stakeout feeling even worse.

When he entered the loft and went upstairs, he couldn't help a relieved sigh. Blair was there, sleeping in their bed. That had to mean something. But then, he smelled something different… a very light smell, but a scent he knew too well- Blair's blood. He approached the young man's side and saw it. The knife that his lover hadn't even tried to hide. It was there, lying on the floor, still red from the cutting Blair had done earlier that evening. The smell suddenly became overwhelming, the color too bright, even in the dark. He almost zoned on the damn knife, but --and that would stay a mystery to Jim even months later-- he didn’t. He didn’t even throw up, though it was close.

He didn’t do any of that. But he suddenly felt such anger that he thought he would choke on it. He lit the lamp on the nightstand and shook Blair roughly.

Blair awoke quickly, as if he'd been unconsciously waiting for Jim's return.

Both men looked at each other, silent and hurting. Then, Jim sat on the bed and pulled the covers down to see for himself. Blair didn't utter a word or initiate a gesture, letting himself be bared by his lover.

"There's no blood... on your thigh or on the bed." Was the first thing he said.

"I didn't want to soil your bed."

"You mean *our* bed, Blair, don't you?"

No answer.

"Are you still going to tell me there's nothing to worry about? Nothing to talk about? You cut yourself tonight just for fun, right? It was stupid, but nothing to worry about, that's what you're going to tell me? Well, don't even dare trying, okay!" His voice began rising. All the tension from the last few weeks was threatening to blow up right now.

Blair didn’t even try to cover himself, even though he was even more vulnerable like that, with Jim fully clothed at his side. He just looked resignedly at his lover. "What do you want me to say, anyway? I know what's going on. You're just in denial, that's all."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Jim exploded. "I don't understand you, Chief. I don't recognize you. What is going on, tell me, for God's sake!"

That made Blair react. He sat and covered himself up to his waist with the sheet. An angry sparkle appeared in his eyes. A small show of defiance, even though the sadness was still on the surface. "Oh I see, man, I'm the one who has to say it, right? What? You're too much of a coward to tell me it's over? That's what this is about. You thought you loved me and now you realized you don't any more, but you're afraid to tell me. Well, don't worry, Jim, I figured it out!" An angry and hurt tone, "You don't need to pretend any more."

Jim didn’t know what to say, didn’t understand a single word. He just sat there, trying to make sense of what was happening. "What are you talking about, Chief? You're not making any sense. I... what is happening here?" He pointed at Blair's thighs, "What is this really about?"

"I couldn't stand it, Jim." Blair whispered. "I still love you, man. I just couldn't stand the thought of our relationship being over. I couldn’t stand feeling so empty.»

"But why do you think we are over? How can you possibly think I don't love you any more?" Jim's anger had deflated by then. The situation was too desperate for him to keep on being angry. Blair wasn’t rational, his Sentinel needed to be, for both their sakes.

"How? You're different. I don't make you so hot, I don't make you love me enough. That's not your fault, Jim, but it just hurt to realize you didn’t feel anything for me any more. I just feel empty," he repeated.

Jim felt Blair start to fade away from him at that moment. He sat against the headboard and pulled the young man against him, not wanting to let him go. Blair obediently followed him and buried his head in the crook of his neck, as he always did.

"There's something really wrong here, baby, and we're going to find out what it is. I won't let you go without a fight, I won't let you go, period. I'm lost and... and I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm afraid, too. I just don't understand what the problem is, but I know you need to listen to me *and* you need to talk to me." He nuzzled his lover's neck, breathing his scent in a deep breath, grounding him. "Will you do that for me?"

A small nod then.

"Okay. First, what are you talking about when you say there's nothing between us? Why do you think I don't feel anything for you?"

"You... when I initiate things in bed... you turn me down and instead... you do it, you know, differently."

"Go on..." Jim was suddenly beginning to understand what Blair was trying to tell him.

"And I don't matter to you like I used to. You're not as hard on me as you were. You never really push me around any more, as if I'm invisible to you, as if I'm nothing. You're just being indifferent."

Jim's hold on his lover tightened even more. That was it, the Key. He had found it. He finally began to figure out what the problem was. "Help me, here, Chief. You're telling me I don't love you because I make love to you instead of taking you roughly, like in the beginning, and because I'm not being an asshole to you, because I stopped pushing you around like I did in the past? That's it?"

"You're making fun of me, man. You don't understand!" Blair's voice was hard and Jim realized he would have to tread carefully.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I'm just trying really hard to understand what you're telling me, okay? So you have to help me."

"Okay. If that's what you want."

"That's what *we need*, Chief. You have to understand what I'm telling you, too. All right?"

"All right." Blair's voice sounded a little defeated, but Jim didn’t give up.

"Let's begin again. You liked when I was rough...bordering on violent, may I add. And you think by making love to you, I'm actually proving I don't feel anything for you any more."

"Yeah."

"Blair, that first night... you were sore afterwards, and then when I fucked you that morning, you *bled*!"

"I know. But see, that was love and passion. I felt it for a couple of days! I felt your love for me for that long!"

Blair's reasonable tone really scared Jim. The young man actually *believed* pain equalled love. "Didn't you enjoy it when I made love to you... that other time, I mean?"

Blair hesitated, apparently surprised himself at what he'd felt then. "Well, it was different, but... it was really good, man, yeah. I could have loved it if I hadn't known it was over between us."

"Don't go too fast, baby, okay? I'm trying to find a way to make you understand how wrong you are." He tried to gather his thoughts "You had a lot of lovers through the years, right, Chief? Men and women ?"

"More men than women, really. You know that."

"Yeah, I know." Jim couldn't help smiling. Blair was clearly calming down.

"All those male lovers of yours... didn't they ever make love to you?"

"Well, they loved me, man, I told you. They showed it to me. They made me feel it."

"You mean, they made you bleed and made you sore each time?"

Blair looked up, surprised at the harsh tone. "Why are you upset?"

"Because I'm seeing a pattern I don't like, Chief. That's why."

"What *pattern*?"

"Those men, did they push you around? Were they rough with you? Was that how they proved their *love* to you?"

"What is the matter with you, man?"

«That is not love, Blair, it's abuse!"

Blair tried to pull away from Jim's hold, but the older man's arms tightened around him. "Abuse, Chief, do you understand?"

"*You* don't understand anything! That wasn't abuse."

"Oh, it wasn't? What do you call a guy who makes his lover bleed just for the fun of it?"

"Intense, passionate, that's what!"

"And someone who pushes his lover around, maybe kicks him a little?"

"Attentive to him! And they never kicked me around! I wasn't abused! I never was!" Blair managed to pull away from his lover and they faced each other, glaring.

"You're mixing things up, Blair and that's not safe. Violence and rough treatment, inside or outside the bedroom, are not and *never* were love."

"I don't know why you're telling me all this. I tell you, man, I was never abused. Love is when your partner makes you feel something. It helps you not feel empty any more, don't you get it? It makes you alive."

"Alive? To be taken so hard you bleed is to be *alive*? To be pushed around as if you didn't count, to have your partner talk down to you constantly, makes you feel alive?" Jim cradled his lover's head between his hands gently, "Do you realize what you're saying, Blair? The cutting, the abusive treatment, they help you feel alive... do you understand how wrong it is?"

Blair closed his eyes, exhausted all of a sudden. He shook his head and lay on his side of the bed, shutting down the conversation, as was his habit when he was upset. "You're the one who doesn't understand, Jim." He whispered. "I don't want to talk about it. Please?"

"If you think this conversation is over, you're delusional. But if you can't accept listening to me, I'll wait until tomorrow. Listen to this, though." He spooned around his lover, pressing the young man's naked back against his chest in a firm hold, and whispered fiercely in the nearest ear, "I love you, more than anything. And we'll get through this... together, okay?"

The small answer was sentinel soft, but he heard it and it gave him hope. "I want to believe you, Jim, I really do."

That night -or what was left of it- the Sentinel didn’t sleep at all... he kept watch over his Guide.

When morning came, he'd called Simon and quickly explained the situation. The older man had given him the day off.

Jim had been a man on a mission then, one he wouldn't fail.

First, he'd had to make Blair see that his vision of love and respect were completely perverted and based on a misconception. How he was going to accomplish that had been the real question, of course. A little talk here and there wasn’t going to be enough. Since the misconception seemed to be a very long term one, he needed to work with Blair really deeply on it. But he still had to start somewhere, and that first day had been rich in conversation. Not that he'd managed to convince his lover about the wrongness of the whole situation, but at least, he'd been able to make his Guide *listen* to what he was saying, and that had been a huge step forward.

The following weeks had seen a determined Jim. He'd talked to people --on the cover of a case-- and searched for something that could help his lover. He'd been a little discouraged when he'd realized Blair would need real help, specialized help. He'd hoped he would be able to do it on his own, based on the assumption that love conquered all and all that, but the reality was different, and he'd just realized he couldn't do it by himself. *Blair* was what was important, not a misplaced ego and naive hope.

He hadn’t given up on talking to Blair first, though. He hadn't talked so much in his entire life --or at least, that was what it felt like -- but the result had been a more and more attentive Blair. His Guide had passed from denial to unresponsiveness to, finally, a mild interest.

Words hadn't been Jim's only weapons. After all, the Sentinel had always been more comfortable with actions and touches. That was what he'd used then, reassuring Blair of his love for him using touches and caresses, actually explaining to him the differences between hard hands raised in anger and loving strokes. In a way, he'd begun conditioning him to accept a new way of seeing things. He'd become a teacher to his lover, and he'd enjoyed it. Oh, how he'd enjoyed everything he'd done during that time. It had been so beautiful, actually teaching Blair to see and enjoy the tenderness in his gestures, to make him decipher respect with his touch, to help him understand love through his words.

Jim had worked slowly, never going too fast, conscious, oh so conscious, that he was treading a very dangerous path, a very fragile line. They hadn't had sex for several weeks. Jim wanted Blair to understand and accept everything he'd been teaching him before they reached that step. This time, he'd wanted a willing and responsive partner who would know he was loved, and not merely played with.

That didn't mean they hadn't slept together. Jim's lessons in bed were as important as the ones outside the bedroom. They had slept together, but he hadn't penetrated his partner for a long time. They just gave pleasure to each other, lazily and lovingly. Blair had some difficulties understanding what Jim wanted from him at first, but after a while, he'd begun to ‘get with the program’ as Jim put it, and he'd even initiated some of those ‘lessons’.

Jim remembered the first time Blair had asked for it, not because he'd known Jim wanted him to, but because *he* had wanted to, maybe even needed to.

"Tell me again, Jim, please?" Blair was naked in the bed, looking pleadingly at his lover.

Jim didn’t feel like being told twice. He'd been waiting for his Guide to make the demand himself. He'd dreamed of hearing those words.

Finally...

He pushed the covers back, looking at that strong but sweet body of which he never could get enough and smiled softly. "Of course, baby. Let me teach you again."

He covered Blair's body with his own, and whispered in his ear. "Love is sweet."

He began softly kissing those tempting lips, then the cheeks and then the eyes. Then he worked his way down ; inhaling the sweet smelling neck, he tasted it a little, he nuzzled the ears, then came back to the expecting face and kissed again the open mouth. "Love is arousing."

He teased the nipples until they got hard under his tongue. He heard Blair's intake of breath and smiled, that definitely was one of his erogenous zones. "Love is caressing."

He used his hands then, taking his time stroking the body under him, wandering all over it, not forgetting a single patch, he took a little more time on those cuts, licking them as he always did, and went back to the rest of that sweet skin.

Blair stayed silent, but Jim knew it was from pure pleasure, and he liked that *very* much.

His own desire began to rise just from the feeling of the man underneath him. The Sentinel closed his eyes for a moment and latched his senses onto the flushed, sweet body under him. He got drunk with the taste, smell and scent of his lover. He knew he could let himself come just by the sensations he felt. He shivered with pleasure and in anticipation, and focused again on his Guide.

"Love is hot... and moist." He couldn't help a wicked smile.

He followed a line from Blair's navel to his cock and took him in his mouth, tasting the pre cum as he did, feeling at the same time a warm feeling in his groin, relishing the tightness he could feel growing in his cock.

Blair's gasps and little keening noises were music to his ears, the arching back proof the young man wanted more. Jim eagerly gave his lover what he wanted. He sucked and licked, he took him deep, playing him like a fine and precious instrument. The Sentinel took the young man to the edge and stopped, laughing at Blair's weak protests. "Love is teasing… but always," tiny kisses, "always," tiny licks, "Fulfilling".

He went back to Blair’s cock and made him explode in his mouth. The taste was heaven, the harsh breathing music again. He climaxed himself in silent pleasure, shuddering from the sensation of coming without even being touched. That had never happened with any of his previous lovers. He kissed his Guide’s relaxed cock and his inner thighs, then trailed soft kisses all over his warm body until he was facing his Guide again.

He loomed over his flushed and sweaty lover, smiling at the happy and sated look in his eyes. The lesson wasn’t over yet. "Love is also funny, Blair." He put his hand on a vulnerable spot of the belly under him and tickled gently, his heart jumping at the sudden laugh coming from his lover.

"Yes, love can be rough." He pinched a nipple hard and heard a happy, though tired, moan from Blair and soothed it immediately. "But that's just another way of doing it, and it never has *anything* to do with anger or violence." He bent over the nearest ear and whispered with force, "And anger and violence *never* had anything to do with love." He nuzzled the ear one last time and lay down beside his Guide.

They stayed silent for a while, letting their hearts slow back to normal. Blair’s hand wandered down, settling between Jim's legs.

"What about you?" He whispered.

"What about me?"

"Don't you want me to reciprocate?"

Jim kissed him. "That was for you, baby."

"But don't you want to fuck me?"

The older man didn’t answer immediately. "You know I always want to be in you, Chief. But I want you to be sure you know what you're asking. I don't want to go back to before. Are you sure you won't feel empty after I make love to you?"

"I... I don't know, Jim."

The Sentinel sighed, but felt happy for the sincere admission. "The fact that you recognize it is a big step, Blair." He kissed him on a cheek.

"But what about you?" The young man insisted.

"Don't worry. I did get something out of it. Making you come always gives me pleasure, can't you tell?" He took Blair's hand and put it on his now flaccid, but still damp cock.

"You came, too?" The voice sounded stunned.

"Don't look so surprised, love." Jim teased. "You make me so hot it's a miracle I don't explode every time you look at me!"

"You're a riot, man, didn't anyone ever tell you that?» His lover replied good-naturedly. "I didn't even do anything this time." More seriously now.

"You're one hell of a lover, Blair, I know that, but you give me pleasure each time you just allow me to touch you, will you believe that, at least?"

"I can try."

"Don't try... do".

A laugh was his answer. "You're such a smartass, aren't you, Jim?"

"Well, takes one to know one, my love." The Sentinel teased again. He just loved how relaxed Blair was becoming in bed with him. He could see a real difference already.

"Shut up, man." Huge yawn. "I'm tired... Hold me. Now. Wanna sleep."

"Yes, oh Master. Your wish is my command, Master."

"Well, do it, slave. I want to feel you beside me."

Jim turned Blair on his side and swatted his bottom while effectively muffling any protest by a sloppy kiss, then he spooned protectively around him. He fell asleep with the sound of a tired but still happy laugh in his ears and with a huge smile on his face.

Things were going to be all right, he was sure of it that night.

***

Remembering that night still made Jim smile in pure joy when he thought about it. No hurt to soil the feeling this time. He absently kissed Blair's ear.

"You relaxed. I guess you're having good thoughts, now?" Said a smiling voice.

"Maybe," he couldn't help answering.

"Here we go again, man. Go on, tell me!" But Jim could hear his lover wasn't upset. Just merely whining for the sake of it.

"Let's just say I was thinking of how wonderful you are."

Blair snorted, but squirmed deliberately on a certain part of his lover's anatomy that seemed to like the attention. Little tease, Jim thought fondly.

"Flattery will get you everywhere, man."

"Really?" Jim smiled, nuzzling his Guide's neck, breathing in his man's scent. He could do that all day and night. "Will it get me *in* you?"

Blair's laugh filled the entire room and left Jim with a stupid grin on his face. "Oh it *will* get you in me, Jim. Definitely. Just wait ‘till after the Gang leaves."

"Hmm, don't know if I'll be able to wait that long. What if I just took you there on the table? Or on the floor if you prefer. Or maybe on the couch, it'll be more comfortable. I'll just ask Simon and the others to be patient. Maybe I'll give them crakers to eat while they're waiting for us to finish"

Blair was laughing so hard he couldn't talk.

«What do you think?» Jim asked, grinning like mad.

"Oh man, I just saw the guys' faces!" Blair gasped.

"Do you think it's one of those TMI thingies?" Jim asked, loving how his Guide's laughter made Blair's body vibrate on his own chest.

The young man had calmed down, now. He looked up at his lover. "I'm afraid so, yes." He said in a still breathless voice.

"Too bad. I'll try to shut up the caveman in me then and tell him to wait patiently till tonight."

"You do that, Jim. But this crackers thing reminds me I forgot the appetizers." He tried to stand up and failed. "Let me go, Jim."

"Nope".

Blair turned amused eyes to his lover. "What's up, man?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing, uh? But you don't want to let me go to take care of the appetizers, is that it?"

"That's it, Darwin."

"I see." Blair nestled himself back on his lover's front silently. "Is it one of those ‘reassurance’ thingies? "

"I guess so. Remind me to thank Dr. Teree, by the way." The Sentinel tightened his hold.

"Okay." The young man sighed softly and shook his head fondly, "You are so going to tell me what horror stories you're remembering, Jim!"

"Okay, but later. Now, read your book and let me process again."

"Don't mind me, man!" Said a mocking voice.

"Brat."

When he saw how far Blair had come since those first months, he couldn’t help but feel so proud he thought he would burst.

***

The days following that infamous night when Blair finally had initiated lovemaking as opposed to fucking had seen the younger man more intent on trying to cooperate with Jim. Blair had talked with his lover, not just reluctantly listening to the Sentinel like he had done previously.

From that day on he'd sincerely tried to see what the other man wanted him to see. He'd begun to understand that indeed, Jim's words had a truth hidden behind them and that his lover only wanted to help him. It hadn't been easy to admit he had a problem, but he had done it... for his and Jim's sake. He'd explained things to Jim, let the older man give his opinion, let him share his view, and it had really helped him.

Until that time, Jim had felt quite alone in his fight for Blair's- well, sanity may have been too strong a word, but at least it showed the seriousness of the situation and the importance of what was at stake. But after that night, he'd gained Blair as an ally, a real one, not reluctant and suspicious like he'd been previously, and the older man had felt a heavy weight being pulled off his chest.

They'd talked even more, sleeping less than a couple of hours some nights because the conversation had taken over.

During one of those nights Jim had learned about Blair's former lovers and he'd better understood why the younger man could have believed Jim didn’t love him anymore when he'd become ‘soft’. What he still hadn't understood was where the unconscious attraction towards abusive partners came from. There had to be a reason for Blair to seek out this kind of relationship.

The self mutilation had been one of the central parts of the problem, but it had still been a sore subject between the two lovers. It wasn't that Blair had blatantly refused to talk about it, he just hadn't seen it as important. He'd refused to see it as a poor and dangerous solution found for an even bigger and more serious problem. He'd refused to see it as what it was, a real symptom of a bigger illness. It had never ceased to amaze Jim to see how someone as smart as Blair was --and with psychological knowledge, too-- could be so obstinate and refuse to accept the truth.

Jim's biggest victory had been when he was able to convince Blair to go and see a shrink for counseling. It hadn't been as easy as he'd thought, actually, which had been a surprise.

The two lovers had been sitting on the couch facing the TV. An old movie was on, but neither of them had really paid attention to it. They'd been having one of those conversations that robbed them of their sleep but helped Jim to understand his lover more each time, and, incidentally, to understand each other more. Jim had always joked about them, calling them their ‘own little therapy sessions’.

That evening he'd tried to broach the subject of going to see a real psychologist, which had been met with a stubborn refusal.

«Why don't you want to go see a shrink, Chief? I thought you did that all the time when you were a kid." Jim had cast a surprised glance at his lover. He thought convincing Blair to do it would be an easy task... the first easy task he would have since the beginning of the Mission -as he sometimes secretly called it- but Blair was proving him wrong, once again.

"Well, I had problems when I was a kid, Jim. I was this skinny and pathetic little boy, you know? Too smart for my own good and really messed up."

"Excuse me for asking, babe but are you trying to tell me you aren't messed up now? Is that it?"

Blair rolled his eyes. "Don't start, man."

Jim straightened on the couch, trying to reign in the anger he felt growing inside him. "Start? I'm not starting anything, just merely continuing, Chief, continuing something we *both* started some months ago. Don't you dare go backward, Blair, not now!!"

The young man immediately stroked Jim's knees gently. "I'm not, Jim, I promise. I'm just..." he sighed. "Tell me what you think, okay? I'm listening."

Slightly mollified by Blair's apparent cooperation, Jim smiled softly to try to take the sting out of his next words. "What I'm saying is that all those therapies you were in didn't really help you, did they? They didn't stop the cutting, didn't help you deal with those abusive lovers... stop me if I'm wrong, Chief."

"Here you go again, Jim!"

The older man clenched his jaw painfully and breathed deeply. He looked at his lover sternly. "No, here *you* go again, Blair! I just don't understand how you can dismiss something like hurting yourself like it's *nothing*. It's a destructive behavior, Chief, destructive! Do you hear me?»

"I hear you fine, man! It's always the same thing with you." Blair rose up from the couch and stood angrily in front of Jim, who was watching him, not moving an inch. "I tell you, I'm fine..." His voice began to shake from the strain "Do *you* hear me?" And as if something broke inside Blair, he yelled at Jim "I'm fine, FINE!" Then, grasping an empty mug off the coffee table, he threw it against the wall.

The silence that followed the demonstration of anger was deafening. Blair looked even more bewildered at what he had just done than his lover.

Jim's blue eyes turned icy cold as he witnessed his lover's frustration. He stood and loomed over his Guide, keeping his voice low and quiet. "Is this how you're defining being *fine*, Blair? Throwing a temper tantrum in our home?"

The young man gasped, but couldn’t answer yet.

"The Blair I know would never have lost control like that. The Blair I know would never give up the chance of discussing a problem. You're not--"

"The Blair you fell in love with... " His lover replied so softly the Sentinel had to turn up his hearing. "Is that what you're going to tell me?" He lowered his head onto Jim's chest, hiding himself, as if he was too tired all of a sudden to face him. "That's it, then? You finally got tired of me and my baggage?" His quiet words were muffled by Jim's chest.

Jim's answer was almost as soft. He bent his head to his lover's neck as he always did when he needed to anchor himself a little more and closed his eyes. During that time, when things had gotten so difficult between them, he sometimes needed the reassurance of Blair's presence as much as he needed air. Blair's scent was different then... too many worries, too many fears, too much anger even, but underneath, Jim always found the pure essence of his lover, and that was what he needed. He took a deep breath. "When are you going to stop trying to make me angry, Blair? When are you going to stop testing me? Testing *us*?" He put his arms around his lover and held him tight. "You have to stop doing this, baby. You will fail each and every time, each.and.every time, is that clear? I don't undestand why you do this... if it's to reassure yourself that I won't leave, or if it’s something else, but please, stop! It's tearing us apart... making us miserable. Don't you see it?"

A small nod against his chest.

"You're not fine, Chief. You know it as well as I do. You're just afraid. But believe me when I tell you we won't be able to fight it alone... you need help, help I can't give you." Blair's hand came up and clenched his tee shirt, as if he was afraid he would be separated from him.

Jim sat back on the couch, Blair still plastered against him, and without the slightest hesitation, he pulled him into his lap. He just had to have his lover close. He gathered the young man tight against him and began rocking slightly.

Physical contact and rocking were the best way of calming someone down. He'd seen it in the field, and Blair was always very receptive to it. Jim just decided he would keep him on his lap while rocking him as long as the younger man needed... but he wouldn't give up the subject. He just needed to have a more cooperative Blair. He didn't want to bring him to a shrink screaming and kicking, he needed a willing Blair if they wanted to have the slightest chance at helping him heal.

Finally Jim had been able to talk Blair into going to see a shrink, although Blair, being still unconsciously reluctant, had turned the whole process into a huge battle. For someone who always claimed to be so open to this kind of thing, he had fought it all the way. He'd been picky to the extreme. This one had been too hard, that other too narrow minded, that one too dumb. Jim had discovered yet a new side of his lover and had almost strangled him in the process.

That was unfair of course. It had been Blair's fear talking and indeed, they'd both known the younger man needed to feel comfortable with and to respect his psychologist, but that path had been a *long* one! At last, they'd found a shrink that had made Blair hesitate. Dr. Gabrielle Teree was a woman in her mid thirties with pitch black eyes that seemed to see right through you. She didn't take no for an answer, and never got fazed by Blair's passive-aggressive behavior. She knew her job, cared deeply for her patients, and never took anything personally.

Her meeting with Blair had been a perfect representation of the proverbial immovable object vs the irresistible force. At that point in time though, Jim hadn't known who was what. The only thing he'd seen was that Blair had been willing to work with her. Another step had been reached and that had been the only thing that had mattered. The collaboration between patient and doctor hadn't been easy, but then, those kind of things never were. Jim had decided he would go, too, and yes, he still had both his legs, thanks for asking. He'd felt he could trust Dr. Teree from the start and he'd wanted to help Blair as much as he could. If that meant he had to attend some sessions himself, then he'd do it.

To be honest, he'd felt he needed help as well. Most of the time, in this kind of situation, people tended to focus solely on the person with the problem, completely forgetting their relatives suffered as well; their feelings were denied in a way. Dr. Teree never forgot. She was the one who'd asked Jim to attend some sessions with her. For Blair's sake *and* his own. To the younger man’s utter surprise, his lover had accepted.

It had been an endless wonder --and a huge source of exasperation-- for Jim to realize he'd been the one going with the flow and Blair the one resisting at each and every step. Dr. Teree had indeed been --and still was actually-- wonderful and Jim knew he could never thank her enough for what she'd done, and was still doing for them. She had an almost instinctive knowledge of how she was supposed to lead the session. Knowing when to stop, when to back down, or on the contrary, when to push. Even Blair had admitted she was one of the best psychologists he'd known, and considering the denial state he'd been in at the time, it had *really* meant something.

Some of those sessions had been really hard on Blair, and Jim had feared his lover would shut him out, would feel the need to withdraw like he sometimes used to do. So he’d felt a huge sense of relief when his Guide had told him about each of them, never shutting him out, definitely showing the Sentinel they were both in it- together, no matter what.

Like the first time Naomi had been mentioned during one of those sessions. Blair had came home upset and had been unable to eat anything afterwards. They'd faced each other, Jim had eaten quietly, and waited for the right moment to ask his questions. When he'd felt it, he'd looked casually at Blair- casual always worked in those particular moments.

"So," he tried, "hard session?"

A casual shrug answered him, but it didn’t worry Jim. Blair always needed a little time and distance before sharing whatever was burdening him.

"She talked about Naomi." The voice definitely sounded unhappy. "I got a little upset, I guess".

"A little, huh?" Jim --and incidentally Teree-- had come to know a whole new Blair during the beginning of the therapy. The older man had been more than a little worried when he'd discovered a very violent Blair. Oh, not violent towards himself or everyone else fortunately, but definitely violent towards inanimate objects and walls. The incident with the mug- well, it hadn't been an isolated incident at all.

Dr. Teree had firmly reassured Jim, though. It was normal and it would pass. It was an overload of dark emotions that needed to be expelled, expressed, and at that time, the wounded man that was Blair hadn't seen another way. Also, his view on violence being different from theirs had made the problem even deeper. Her work, she told Jim one afternoon after he explained his worries to her, was to help the young man deal with all those emotions in a healthy way.

It had taken several months, but indeed, Blair had learned to keep his anger under control. Jim had felt a big weight being lifted from his shoulders then- or from his heart, he didn't know which was the more accurate. Not that he'd ever been afraid of his lover, of course not, not even at his darkest had Blair raised a hand in anger to him- which in retrospect was more than he could say about himself. But this angry Blair was making him really ill at ease, this version of his Guide had been so different. Jim had felt like he'd been dealing with a stranger and *that* had been the scary thing. It had been the topic of more than one of his numerous talks with Dr. Teree, as a matter of fact.

So yes, Blair had become more and more able to control his reactions, but there was still a long path ahead of him before he had *complete* control. That was why Jim had felt slightly amused at the obvious obfuscation from his lover.

"Yeah, well, you know how I get sometimes, man. She just pissed me off." Blair raised a warning finger "And don't tell me I'm not really mad at *her* but at what I feel deep inside *me*. I don't want to hear it."

Jim shrugged casually while standing up to put the plates in the sink. He kept silent, knowing Blair just needed to vent on his own. They finished clearing the table and then sat on the couch, TV on, but mute. Jim sipped at his beer, waiting. Blair, being on antidepressants, per doctor’s orders, was drinking some exotic fruit juice, which wasn’t too big a change anyway.

"It's just that-" Blair stopped, fidgeting a little on his seat, obviously trying to put his confused mind in order "It's just that I knew she would want to talk about my former lovers and I was ready for that... kinda. And I knew she would talk about my cutting myself and man, does she talk about that! She's even worse than you, big guy."

Jim smiled at that. Thing was, Teree *was* worse than him, but they all knew it was what Blair needed above everything else.

"She started by asking me about the cutting again, and she was like a starving dog who had been given his last bone, man. And don't you dare tell her I said that."

Jim laughed then. Blair really seemed to both respect and fear Teree a little. Certainly because he instinctively understood she wouldn't let him give her any crap and that she would help him heal, no matter what. It was a relief for him to be able to finally believe he would feel fine one day, but it was scary too. It was as if he suddenly had to create a whole new universe with a brand new set of rules, so yes, it was frightening. Jim and Blair had both realized the young man wouldn't have done it without the Sentinel. Granted, without Jim he would never have even known there *was* a problem, but still... The older man understood that Blair needed him like he'd never needed anyone in his life before, and that, as well, was pretty scary in itself. Jim also wanted his lover to understand that needing someone was *not* a weakness.

Blair was still talking, now sitting Indian style on the couch, facing his lover, taking Jim away from his muses. "But then, she wanted to talk about Naomi and I...I just got so pissed, man! I just didn't know why, still don't actually."

The Sentinel put down his drink and looked at Blair seriously. "Are you sure you don't, Chief?"

Blair glared at him. "You're just like Dr. Teree, Jim, you know that? She asked me the same thing."

"Kudos for the Sentinel then," Jim joked softly. "So, what did you answer?"

"That I didn't know! That it was nothing. Everything is-"

"Fine," his lover finished for him. "We're back to that one, then? You asked us to warn you if you were going backwards, Chief. Do you remember the contract you signed?"

"Fuck the contract and fuck you, Jim!" Blair's infamous temper --rather recent considering, but still very well-known by then-- started to show its ugly head again. "This is *not* a step back!"

"It sure looks like one from where I'm standing, Blair!"

"Well, dial up your sight or something, big guy, because you're seeing wrong!"

"Really?" Jim looked him straight in the eyes. "Is that why you’re getting aggressive again? Is that why I see your fists clenched as if you want to throw something against the wall- or maybe against *me* this time?"

As soon as he said it, as soon as he heard the hurt gasp coming from his lover, he realized he'd gone too far.

It was too late, though.

Blair rose up and looked down at him, pain and anger battling in his eyes. "I would never *ever* hurt you, Jim... and you know it!" he hissed. "Why did you say something like that, man, why?"

Jim closed his eyes at the pain in his lover's voice and swallowed painfully. Then he took Blair's arms and forced him gently down to sit by his side again. He put his hand on the young man's neck and leaned forward until their foreheads touched. "Believe it or not, Chief, I don't know why I said something like that." Jim kissed his lover softly on the lips, Blair not backing away, but not responding either. The Sentinel leaned back on the couch, looking silently at his Guide. "I was never afraid you would turn against me, Blair. Not once. Not even when I didn't recognize you. I always trusted you, always. I don't know what made me say that."

"But maybe..." Blair's eyes never leaving his Sentinel's face "Maybe unconsciously you thought I would hurt you one day?" His voice so small, as if the idea his lover could be afraid of him was more than he could bear.

Jim's answer was quick and sure and the young man couldn't help relaxing at it, but it wasn’t enough to make the hurt disappear from his eyes. "Nope, Chief. I trust you, always have and always will. Never doubt that."

"How can I not doubt when you say something like that to me, Jim? I mean... it's so hard already and then you-"

"I *nothing*, Blair!" Jim's jaw clenched at the tension he suddenly felt. "I was out of line, I was unfair and I didn't mean it, okay? It's just stress! I'm tired and angry, as much as you are, Chief and sometimes... Well you know how I get sometimes. I don't want to hurt you, but here I am... I'm sorry, okay? Believe me, Chief."

Blair's shrug was his only answer. "I guess... maybe you need to talk about it with Dr. Teree?"

The Sentinel nodded, relieved to see the younger man was accepting his apology, even if he was clearly still unhappy about the whole thing. "I guess you're right. I need to talk about a lot of stuff with her, you know that. You're really not alone here."

Blair smiled softly. "I know that, love."

Jim couldn't help smiling at the endearment. As much as his lover showed him his love with everything he did and said, the younger man was strangely uncomfortable with calling him by those little pet names the Sentinel used so much. Jim just loved calling him ‘baby’ out loud, he always felt such a thrill thinking he was the only one allowed to call Blair that. Yes, those were pretty special for him, but Blair --for reasons of his own-- had trouble using them. It made it even more special when his Guide did.

"Let's say it was a little shocking and leave it at that, okay?"

"Sure." Jim had been more than happy to drop the subject.

Blair rose then and went upstairs. "I got up pretty early this morning, Jim. I think I'm going to call it a night. Good night, big guy."

It was only when Blair was laying in their bed that Jim realized they hadn't finished their previous conversation about Naomi and that the young man hadn't kissed him good night like he always did.

No, Jim mused, things didn’t go as well as he thought, far from it.

That night, Jim went to bed feeling sad and angry. Blair was curled on his side and he denied his lover access to his body, even deeply asleep. The Sentinel fell asleep with a painful ache in his heart, as if not being able to touch his Guide was physically painful.

The next few days had been tense. Jim had talked with Dr. Teree like he’d told Blair he would. He'd talked about Blair's reaction and about his own. The wise woman had been a great help, as usual. She'd reassured him and said that the young man's reaction was normal. He was just dealing with more and more painful memories and that wasn't easy at all for him. Blair would have to learn to face his fears and his memories. That would take time, but it would be done. She'd ended Jim's session on what he saw as an oath ; yes, things would improve, it was just a matter of time.

He'd felt better.

His Guide was not feeling better, though. He'd been subdued in the following days. And to tell the truth, sometimes, Jim hadn't known what version he liked the most, the angry Blair or the passive one.

At least, with a subdued Blair, their mugs and other breakable objects had been safe. That particular joke hadn't been *that* funny, of course, but Jim had been on the verge of going crazy so many times during that period, he'd just thought it would be better to see the positive side of the situation. Even at the risk of stupid jokes.

He'd known Blair needed to face his inner demons and he'd just *known* Naomi had played an important part in his Guide's problems. Jim couldn't believe the older woman hadn't played a big role in her son's twisted view of love. The ‘detached with love’ routine was nothing more than a smoke screen to him. Each time he'd tried to broach the subject, though, Blair had clammed up. Clammed up or completely blown up, like that infamous night.

But after that night, Jim had seen hope again. He'd just known Teree wouldn't let Blair turn his head away from the problem. She would make him face the truth. And when she did, Jim would need to be here for his lover.

When he'd finally learned the truth about his Guide's childhood, though, the Sentinel had felt like killing someone, namely Naomi Sandburg.

True, he'd known --deep inside-- that Naomi hadn't been the loving and attentive mom both mother *and* son claimed, but he'd hoped -really hoped-- she hadn't been one of those abusive parents who beat their own children on a daily basis, that she hadn't been one of those monsters who treated their own flesh like they were worthless -like they were nothing more than an annoyance in their life.

The truth was, she *had* been that kind of mother. And that thought still had the power to make Jim's heart hurt like hell.

***

The Sentinel had been at the bullpen, ready to call it a day when he'd received a call from Dr. Teree's office. The psychologist had talked to him herself. Telling Jim nothing about the session in itself --that was, after all, a matter of confidentiality-- she'd explained, in her professional but always caring manner, about how her patient had had a *difficult* session (the emphasis had been clear), and had seemed pretty shaken up when he'd left. If Mr. Ellison would be kind enough to call her later and let her know how Blair was feeling, she would really appreciate it. Jim had thanked her and hung up, already grabbing his coat to leave.

He hadn't wasted any time and had arrived home in less than fifteen minutes, certainly breaking one or two laws in the process, but not caring a bit. His mind had been set on his lover, his hurting Guide, and nothing else had mattered.

He hadn’t known what to expect when he had come home and had just hoped it wouldn’t be a repeat of the night when Blair had cut himself.

When he entered the loft, it was to meet a silent and dark home. Blair was nowhere in sight. But sight didn't matter to the Sentinel, who immediately opened his hearing to seek out the precious heartbeat.

He found it, quick and erratic, upstairs. He took the stairs fast --and stopped at the picture his lover made.

Blair was sitting cross-legged on the bed, rocking back and forth, his eyes closed tight. No tears on his face, but Jim was able to smell the saline scent that told him his Guide had already had a good cry.

He approached the bed softly, not wanting to startle his lover. "Blair? It's me, Chief."

The younger man didn’t stop rocking.

Jim frowned, wondering if Blair even heard him. "Baby?" he sat on the edge of the bed, near his Guide, but being careful not to touch him. "Blair, please, look at me."

The young man turned his back to him, not stopping the rocking for even a second.

"Blair... please. Tell me what's wrong, okay?" He debated on whether or not to tell him about Dr. Teree's call and decided to be honest. "Dr. Teree called me and told me you had a difficult session. She seemed pretty worried, actually."

Still no response, just this maddening rocking. The acrid scent of desperation *and* anger surrounded Blair. Jim was getting pretty worried himself. "Blair, look at *me*" He put his hand on the younger's man shoulder, but the reaction the small gesture provoked shocked him.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!"

Jim froze at the hatred in his lover's voice. He'd never heard such anger coming from him.

"Don't touch me, Jim. Do you hear me?"

Blair finally stopped rocking, but his back was so tense that Jim feared it would crack under the pressure.

«Blair?»

Jim didn’t know what to do. The younger man’s whole body radiated anger and the Sentinel just didn’t know what to say or what to do to initiate contact with his -obviously- hurting lover.

«I didn’t want to go, Jim, do you remember? I didn’t! But you made me go, you made me go, man, and now everything’s changed!»

His Guide was so full of sadness and despair it made Jim’s heart skip a beat. «I don’t understand, Blair, please, look at me, okay? Talk to me, please!»

The younger man turned violently to him, his eyes shining with rage and a sadness so deep it cut at Jim’s heart. «You don’t understand, Jim? What don’t you understand? That at this minute, I can’t stand the sight of you? That I don’t want your hands on me?» Blair’s voice was cold as ice, barely restrained, and it scared Jim.

«Calm down, Blair, okay--»

«Don’t tell me to calm down!» The young man hit the mattress with clenched fists. «Don’t tell me what do, do you hear?» He was almost hyperventilating.

The Sentinel didn’t say anything, didn’t move. All his senses were on alert, telling him the Guide was hurting deep inside, and it made him ache all over. He needed to help him, he needed to comfort his lover, but just didn’t know how.

Jim’s silence and stillness seemed to have a soothing affect on Blair. His breathing became more regular.

A deep breath in, a deep breath out.

The Guide was calming down. Blair closed his eyes, and when he opened them, Jim could see relief in them. The younger man hated losing control, even if he couldn’t help it when it happened. It often scared him as much as it did Jim.

Jim also saw something else in his lover’s eyes, something that made him believe Blair wasn’t completely lost to him. He saw gratitude. As if backing down and refusing to answer to his aggressiveness had been what he needed. He still didn’t initiate any movement, letting Blair choose to take the first step. The younger man’s heart was still beating way too fast, though, and Jim didn’t need to be a Sentinel to see the trembling in his lover’s whole body. The younger man was far from calm, he was just *calmer*, and Jim feared any movement on his part would make his Guide lose the strained control he had on himself.

Blair wasn’t satisfied, though. He smiled coldly. «It must be so hard for you to back down, isn’t it, Jim? You’d like to yell, to shake me a little maybe. You’d like me to talk to you, wouldn’t you? So you can *help* me.»

The two men were still facing each other on the bed. Blair cocked his head to the side. «Must be killing you, right?»

Jim braced himself. He just knew this was going to get ugly. He kept a neutral tone. «I know what you’re trying to accomplish, Blair. It won’t work. You *know* it.»

«Oh yeah, I forgot. You know me so well, don’t you?»

Jim’s jaw clenched. «Why don’t you throw a fit now and get done with it? Then, maybe, we’ll be able to talk like two adults.»

Blair’s eyes narrowed and Jim sighed inwardly. So much for taking it easy.

«Fuck you, Jim!» his Guide yelled «Fuck you and your fucking perfection!»

«What?»

«You’re so perfect and I’m so flawed. That’s the problem, right?» the younger man spat «You didn’t sign up for this, man. I’m so sorry you got stuck with such a fuckup for a lover!»

«Don’t give me that shit, Blair!» Jim’s own voice was rising dangerously. He knew he had to keep the whole conversation on a rational level, but Blair always knew what button to push, and dammit, he was pushing them good!

The Sentinel also instinctively understood that the young man needed ‘anger’ to counteract the fear and despair the therapy had lead to the surface. Right now, he needed an outlet.

Jim could take all Blair would throw at him, he just didn’t have any choice. To him, the alternative was unthinkable. He took a deep breath. «Don’t give me that shit, Chief.» he said, very softly. «You don’t really want us to fight, you know that.»

Blair closed his eyes again and he passed a shaking hand through his hair. «You think you always know everything, don’t you?»

«Don’t, Blair! I said, don’t!» He leaned a little closer to his Guide and raised his hand to stroke a flushed cheek. Blair pulled back, not completely, but enough to avoid any physical contact with the gentle hand.

«Don’t touch me, please, Jim. » he said, dejectedly «I can’t stand it, right now.»

Jim swallowed hard, but still managed a tiny smile, trying to reassure his lover. «Okay, baby. I will keep my hands to myself, how’s that?»

He got a small nod in answer. He felt they had reached an understanding of some sort. The Sentinel could breathe a little better.

«I don’t really want to talk about this afternoon, Jim. Not yet.»

«I’m sure you don’t. But I think you need to.»

A spark of anger came back in the younger man’s eyes. «What did I tell you, man? Stop assuming you know best, all right! ‘Cos you don’t!»

«That’s not what I’m doing. God, Blair, it’s always the same thing with you.» The Sentinel couldn’t help snapping.

«The same with me?» his Guide hissed, vibrating with tension «That’s rich coming from you.»

Jim shook his head. «We’re not going anywhere here, but that’s what you want, isn’t it, Chief?»

«What I want is to be left alone! You got what *you* wanted. I talked to you and then to the shrink. I talked and talked…well, I’m done talking! Is that clear?»

Sentinel and Guide looked at each other without a word. The younger man didn’t want to back down and Jim just couldn’t. That was clearly the moment Teree had warned them about. The moment when Blair would have to face his most painful memory, when he would have to accept his most difficult truth.

Jim felt he had to make Blair talk, and soon. He just knew if he didn’t, the young man would shut down afterwards, he *knew* it. He stood and loomed over his lover, unconsciously trying to intimidate him physically. That was definitely not one of his best qualities, but when threatened, he sometimes felt he had to assert himself over his partners… be it working or living ones. And at that moment, he felt threatened because his Guide was hurting.

Protecting Blair was his number one priority, no matter what or who was the aggressor, even if it was Blair himself. Jim wouldn’t let his Guide back down now, not when he knew they were going to reach what could be the most important stage, when Blair’s main blockage was on the verge of being blown away.

«So,» the older man began in a restrained voice «You’re telling me that coming back to my lover rocking back and forth on our bed and shying away from any contact from me is no big deal? There’s nothing to talk about? Can you spell deja-vu, Blair?!»

He realized he was yelling and lowered his voice immediately. Blair was looking up at him from his position on the bed, not giving anything away. In the past months, the young man had developed a real ability to mask his emotions, and Jim couldn't stand it. That wasn’t *his* Blair.

Feeling an irrational anger triggered by nothing but his fear for his lover, Jim turned away to calm down. «I’m asking you, Blair » he said in a tired voice, still not turning back to the young man, «what happened? What upset you so much? Tell me!»

He finally turned to his lover and sat down on the bed just in front of him, their knees touching. Blair still hadn’t said a word, but he was watching his Sentinel’s every move. Jim leaned towards him until his forehead touched his lover’s.

«Please,» he whispered.

«I’m tired, Jim.» Blair whispered back. «I remembered things I didn’t want to. Do you understand?»

Their voices were soft, as if they didn’t want to disturb the fragile peace they’d reached.

«That’s what I thought. I’m sorry, baby.»

«Don’t baby me, Jim» Blair said in a tired but calm voice.

The Sentinel finally gave his first smile since he came home. He gave his Guide a little kiss on the lips and felt relief when the young man didn’t pull back. «I forgot. You never let me pamper you like I want to. I’m hurt.» He whispered.

«Yeah, tell me another one.» Blair softly clipped the back of the older man’s head and suddenly lay down on the bed, resting on his back. He put his hands over his eyes and sighed. «Oh, Jim, when is this going to be over?»

Jim lay down beside him and propped himself up on his elbow. «We knew it was going to take time, and we knew it was going to get difficult at times, and even more than that, didn’t we?»

«Yes, I know that. It’s just that I hoped… Oh I don’t know what I hoped, man, but I just wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready, Jim.»

A hitch in the young man’s breath told Jim his Guide was on the verge of another panic attack.

Jim changed his position and loomed over Blair, but in comfort this time, to show his lover he was there and to make the young man focus solely on him. «Take a deep breath, Chief. You know the drill. In and out… good, again…»

He was obeyed quickly. Blair stared at him like he was his lifeline. His breathing went back to normal almost immediately. Jim received a small smile of thanks from his lover.

«Yeah, you’ll be okay, see? You control yourself better and better, babe.» Jim lay down again, but pulled Blair with him so that they were on their sides, facing each other, very close.

Blair had a deprecating smile at Jim’s comment. «Well, that’s not what I did a few minutes ago.»

Jim shrugged. «We can’t win every time, that’s all.»

Blair burrowed his way to his Sentinel’s shoulder, cuddling close. «Thanks, Jim.»

Jim embraced his lover in his arms, sighing. «There’s nothing to thank me for, but you’re welcome.»

They stayed silent for a while, but this time, Jim knew his lover wasn’t stalling. The young man was just trying to find a way to say what he had to.

Finally, a heavy sigh told him Blair was ready…or as ready as he could be.

«You know Teree wanted me to talk about my childhood and about…Naomi?» he snuggled even closer and took his place in his favorite location, the crook of Jim’s neck. He inhaled his Sentinel’s scent, smelling the beloved scent of the man. After all, you didn’t need to be a Sentinel to do that and he, too, indulged himself more often than not. «Today she didn’t let me back down, Jim. She told me I was ready, but I wasn’t! I didn’t want to.»

Jim resumed the soothing strokes across Blair’s back. «But what if she was right and you *needed* to?»

«I’m fed up with that line.» was his reply. But Blair didn’t seem to be really angry. It was more a statement than a real show of anger.

Jim smiled. «I guess you are. We didn’t really cut you any slack, did we?»

The younger man seemed to think carefully about the question. «Well… I guess that’s what I *needed*,» the emphasis on the word really clear. «Talk about irony, man.»

Jim chuckled this time. «The important thing is that you get better in the long run. We agree on that one, right?»

Blair looked up briefly from his little nest before going back to it. «We do, big guy. I’m not going to stop… no matter what I said earlier. I just…needed to yell and…well, be a bastard, I guess. It just hurt…still does actually, but it’s better now.»

The Sentinel, who hadn’t stopped his soothing strokes, squeezed the young man’s body. «Happy to hear it. So… don’t stop here, Chief. Tell me the rest of it. Please.»

Blair swallowed hard. «I had to face a truth, Jim. A truth I hated. Something I tried to forget for so long… or not actually *forget* but…» he stopped «It’s so difficult to explain. I love my mom, Jim and I just couldn’t bear the thought that she was…that she wasn’t a good mother. That she was ab-abusive…That she hurt me.»

Jim closed his eyes and cursed silently. He didn’t want to stop the flow of words but he felt a sudden rage boil inside him. Damn that woman! He knew there was something ‘off’ with her the first time he’d seen her, but Blair had seemed so happy to have her back in his life even for awhile, he’d dismissed any ‘off' feelings he had. He’d been nice to her, and had even flirted with her for the fun of it, loving to see his partner react like he did. He’d tried to show Blair he was as happy to see the older woman as the young man was- or was it ‘pretended to be’?

Now, Jim wondered. He frowned and tried to think hard about that time, to see if there had been any reason to suspect that Blair hadn’t been honestly happy to have his mother with them, but couldn’t find any. Their relationship seemed a little strange, and was definitely unconventional, but… Jim shivered with anger. She *was* one of those monsters he chased and arrested on a regular basis. She was one of *them*.

«I don’t know what to say, baby.»

«There’s nothing to say, Jim.» Blair replied in a resigned tone. «It’s just something I have to accept, but I just don’t know how. It’s just so hard to realize your whole life was a lie! How do I do that? How do I cope?» He shut his eyes forcefully, «She didn’t want me in her life, Jim and that’s the truth. She never loved me.»

«Sh, sh, Chief.» His Sentinel tried to soothe. «It’s going to be all right, babe. Just let it go, all right? Tell me whatever you need to and let it go… shh now…»

Blair tightened his hands on Jim’s shirt and clung for dear life. He felt nauseous. He had been forced to give up his last and most precious illusion that afternoon, and he felt like he was shattering into a million pieces. Oh yes, he needed Jim more than ever and finally, finally he understood it never was a weakness, but his greatest strength. Maybe he did need to say the words…if he did, they would become real and if they were real, he would finally be able to face what happened and to heal… at last. That’s what he wanted, more than anything. Blair knew he’d fought against everything Jim tried to do to help him in the past months, but he couldn’t help it then…he was too afraid. What if Jim did succeed in making him face the truth? What then? Well, that moment had finally happened, he *knew* it. He felt it deep inside…and it hurt.

He needed to face Jim, so he gently broke his hold on his lover and sat on the bed, Jim followed the movement. Then he smiled apologetically at his Sentinel, «I don’t think I can really tell you everything I want to right now, Jim.» He raised his hands to stop any comments «I *want* to, man, but I can’t. It’s just that there’s too many things in my head right now… things I never really thought about since I was a little kid and it’s a little too much. Can you understand that, Jim?»

His lover nodded silently. He definitely could understand. He just had to think about his own mother and how she left her family, or about Bud’s death, to understand that sometimes, things were just a little ‘too much’, and he suspected it was even worse for Blair. He didn’t want the younger man to feel more overwhelmed than he was at the moment. If he could spare him even a little pain, he would do it, even if he was dying to know every detail of Naomi’s abuse. He also really needed to know if his imagination was making things worse than they really were.

Blair smiled, grateful for his lover’s understanding. He knew it wasn’t easy for the over-protective Sentinel. «I’ll try to talk about it little by little, step by step, okay? Thing is… if you had asked me to tell you about some of the things I remembered this afternoon, let’s say yesterday, I wouldn’t have been able to…I don’t know how to explain it,» the young man frowned. «It’s not really that I forgot, but it’s like there was a screen over it…» Blair’s eyes widened at the description, he seemed relieved to have found a term to explain it. «Yeah, that’s it, Jim, it’s as if there was a screen over my childhood, you know what I mean?»

«I guess I do, Chief, go on.»

«I always loved Naomi, I mean, she’s my mom, Jim. So it was just inconceivable for me to actually *believe* she wasn’t the mother I thought she was…the mother I wanted her to be, so in a way, I think I just… changed the reality. But I didn’t know I was doing it, man, that’s what is so strange…and so scary!»

His eyes never left Jim’s and the Sentinel could almost *touch* his lover’s need to be believed and understood. It was almost palpable. He stroked Blair’s cheek soothingly and smiled at him, «I think I understand really well, Blair. It was just a normal defense mechanism.»

«That’s what it was, yes…a damn good one. But see, I didn’t really remember how she treated me, and I was still looking for it with my lovers…I mean, I think I’m beginning to see that now, how twisted is that?» He shrugged.

«Well, it still seems logical, right?» Jim tried, overjoyed to hear Blair say for the first time that he begun to understand his lovers had been abusive as well. It was the first time he really said the words. «I mean, even though you may have changed that reality, that was still the only thing you knew, deep inside, so that’s what you were looking for.»

Blair’s eyes turned tender at his lover’s attempt to help him understand. He took Jim’s hand and kissed the palm sofly to show him how much it meant to him «Yes, a sense of normality, something familiar, something I could be comfortable with, no matter how wrong it could be.»

Jim felt the soft kiss on his palm and it warmed him all over. For the first time in months, he felt a sense of peace within his lover…a peace that wasn’t there even an hour ago. In deciding to face the truth and to talk about it, Blair was finally beginning to relieve himself of the huge and heavy weight on his shoulder- on his soul.

Sitting in the middle of their bed, his lover’s hand in his, Jim suddenly had an epiphany. They were reaching a final stage. Blair wasn’t magically healed just because he was able to say his mother had abused him and that he was conscious he’d sought abusive relationships afterwards. No, Jim knew that, but he realized they would finally begin the real healing- until then, they had just been trying to find the cause of the illness. Now that they knew what it was, they could begin the treatment, he just *knew* it, without any doubt. And it was a wonderful feeling. He felt like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. It felt like he could breathe better all of a sudden, and *that* was magical.

Blair was looking at him, his head cocked to one side, a strange smile on his lips. «Penny for your thoughts, Jim?»

The Sentinel smiled back. «Penny for *yours*, Chief.»

The younger man didn’t answer immediately. Then, in a quiet voice he asked «Do you want to know what triggered the whole thing at Dr. Teree’s office?»

«Sure.» Jim answered, curious now.

«The corner of her office.»

«The what?»

Blair chuckled a little, apparently pleased at Jim’s question. «One of the corners of her office.» He repeated. «The one where the huge plant was, you remember?»

«Yes. That plant looked like a tree.»

«Well» Blair wiggled on the bed to sit more comfortably, «The plant died, apparently, so she removed it. I didn’t notice it when I came in, and I don’t think it would have mattered then. Anyway, I was sitting in the armchair, you know, the black one?»

Jim nodded silently, not wanting to distract Blair.

«So, I was sitting there and Teree was doing her usual talk. Then, she started asking me about some little things over my childhood. Apparently harmless things, but I didn’t react too well. Then she began to insist a little more, and it’s like I blacked out.»

«Blacked out?»

«Yeah. Actually, I would even say it’s like I zoned, man. It was weird.»

Jim frowned, trying to understand exactly what had happened «When I zone, I do it because one of my senses focuses too much on one thing. What did you zone on?»

«That little corner.» Blair smiled at Jim’s questioning look. «She was asking me her questions and I felt trapped. Then, I looked away and my eyes fell on that corner, now empty because the plant wasn’t there anymore, you know? And I… well, I zoned on it, I had a flash of some sorts.»

«Can you tell me what you saw, Chief?» Jim asked softly.

«Myself, Jim. I saw myself!» His Guide’s eyes were wide, as if the young man still didn’t completely understand what had taken place in that little office. «It was a little creepy, man. I saw the little kid I was and…that kid looked so sad and so terrified it tore my heart out. He was huddled on the floor, his back against the corner and he looked so small…*I* was there, Jim, *I* was that kid, all alone and scared and I remembered some stuff. How I would stay in my corner for hours without speaking a word because Naomi didn’t want to hear me or see me. It just came back to me and I blew it.»

Jim closed his eyes at the pain in his lover’s voice. He didn’t want to overwhelm Blair with his own grief and anger, but it was hard. «I’m so sorry, Blair. I really don’t know what to say.»

«I don’t know what to say either, Jim, so don’t worry.»

Both men smiled sadly at each other. Both hurting. Jim couldn’t bear the thought of his lover as an abused child. He needed to know how bad it was. He clenched his jaw and finally asked the dreaded question, «How violent was she, babe? How hard was it for you?»

His Guide stared at him for so long that Jim thought he wouldn’t answer the question. Then «You won’t like the answer, Jim. You know that, right ?»

«Of course, I do.»

«Then, why? It’ll upset you, love. I don’t want that.»

Jim didn’t answer immediately. He grabbed Blair and pulled the young man to his chest, hugging him tight. «I don’t care if it upsets me or not, Blair, I *need* to know, okay?»

Blair was more than happy to feel his lover’s body close at that moment, he buried his head in the crook of his neck, sighing. «But why?»

Jim pulled out of the embrace to face his Guide. He stroked his lover’s cheek and in a quiet voice he said, «Because I have to know how much I need to hate your mother.»

«Jim!» Blair gasped, shocked.

«Tell me!»

Blair realized his Sentinel really needed to hear it. Maybe it would help Jim, as well as him. But would he be able to talk about the details? He didn’t know. «It was bad…all right, Jim? Bad.» He swallowed hard «She wasn’t one of those drunk parents who lose control and beat their children senseless…and in a way, I don’t know if that’s worse or not. I would say it is, because I can’t even give her that excuse. The truth is, she was totally in control of herself when she beat me… she wasn’t drunk or even under the influence of some drugs. No…she did it because she couldn’t stand the sight of me sometimes, because she couldn’t stand to hear me talk to her or ask her the million questions kids ask their parents when they’re young.» Blair’s voice trailed off. He stared at nothing, apparently lost in some memories.

«God!» Jim hissed, more angry than he ever thought he would be, «Damned that woman, damned her!» He hugged Blair again, needing to feel him and to make sure he was all right, even though he knew it was irrational. The abuse was in the past, but in his mind, it was as if he were facing the hurt child his Guide had been.

It was Blair’s turn to comfort him. «It’s all right, Jim. You can see that, right?»

The Sentinel shook his head and stubbornly refused to pull back. He just needed to be close to his Guide. «It’s not all right, Chief. And it’s not going to be for a long time. I feel like I want to rip her head off.

«Jim, calm down, okay?» Blair was stroking his lover’s back soothingly. «I know you, man, you’re going to be so strung out it’ll look like you’re going to break if I breathe too loudly, plus you’re going to shatter your teeth.»

Jim finally pulled back and stared at his lover. Blair’s attempt at levity hadn’t succeeded at all. The Sentinel’s eyes were cold and murderous. Blair didn’t feel threatened --he never did with Jim, no matter how big a jerk the man could be sometimes-- but it upset him to see the angry and hurt look in his lover’s face.

«Jim,» He whispered.

«Don’t tell me to calm down, right now, Blair. And don’t tell me I shouldn’t talk about your mother that way, okay? I can’t stand it. That woman hurt you and she damaged you, Chief, that’s what this is all about. She was supposed to represent the one safe place in your life and she perverted it and turned it into a dangerous and violent place.» He raised a hand to warn off any comments «And don’t you dare talk about *my* mother, please! My mom wasn’t a good one either, but believe me when I tell you that when she was there, I never felt threatened or unloved. »

«I wasn’t going to talk about your mother,» Blair replied defensively.

«Oh really?»

Blair’s eyes were beginning to turn cold as well. «Well, yes, maybe I was thinking you shouldn’t be the one talking about good parents or bad ones… obviously.»

«That’s a low blow, Chief.» Jim hissed. He stood up and paced in front of the bed. «Dammit!»

Blair cast an apologetic look at his lover. «You’re right. I’m sorry, Jim, okay?»

Jim stopped pacing and looked down at his Guide, «Don’t forget who we’re talking about here, and don’t forget about what kind of abuse we’re talking about either, okay?»

«Okay.»

«I’m not the enemy, Chief and I never was. I don’t want you to get angry at *me*»

«You’re right, I know that, but it feels like there’s something inside me that wants to break something or…or hit someone…and it scares me. I hate that feeling.» Blair shook his head. «Then, it’s like I don’t really feel anything. It’s a real roller coaster ride and it’s exhausting.»

«I bet it is, Chief.» He sat back at his lover’s side. He sighed. «What are you going to do, now?»

«What do you mean?»

Jim stared at him. «You know, about your mother, for instance?»

«What do you want me to do? What do you want me to tell her?»

Jim sighed again, but in mild frustration this time. «I don’t know, Chief. That’s why I’m asking. Don’t you think she deserves--»

«What? To be punished?» the young man snapped. «And how am I going to broach the subject ?» He raised his hand to his ear as if holding a phone «Hey Naomi, how are you? Fine? Great, well, guess what? Yesterday I remember how you used to slap me down so I would shut up because you couldn’t bear the sight or the sound of me ninety percent of the time!»

Jim didn’t react to the aggressive speech, he merely glared at his lover. Then he cocked his head to the side and asked softly, «You’re not getting angry at me *again*, are you, Chief?»

This had the desired effect. It deflated his Guide’s frustration immediately. It even made him smile a little. «I wouldn’t dream of it, Big Guy.»

To which the Sentinel couldn’t help but smile back «You wouldn’t, of course. I guess I was speaking about your evil twin.»

This made Blair laugh out loud. «I hear you, man.» He looked at his lover tenderly and shook his head, «Only you could make me laugh in a moment like this, you know that?» He rolled his eyes, «And people think you’re this insensitive, Neanderthal jerk. Man, people can be so clueless sometimes!»

«Yeah, well, you know how hard I worked to have this rep’, so don’t go and tell everyone, okay?» Jim gave his lover a little kiss on the lips.

«’Worked hard’?» Blair replied, licking said lips «You won’t make me believe that, Jim. It was natural for you at the time. You just needed someone to come and metaphorically kick your ass, that’s all.»

Jim chuckled. «All right, already. I can’t deny it. You’re right, Chief, I needed that someone.» He smiled tenderly «And I’m damned glad it was you, okay?»

Blair didn’t answer but took Jim’s right hand again and raised it to his own cheek, seeking the warm feeling it gave him each time Jim touched him. He leaned into it, and let his Sentinel caress his face softly.

«Are you okay, now?»

Blair narrowed his eyes a little, but smiled, «You know I am. You’ve been monitoring me since you came home, right?»

Jim faked being hurt «Who, me?»

His Guide ignored him and turned serious «Yes, I’m okay and yes, we can go back to the subject. I won’t try to bite your head off, all right?»

«It sure is.» He waited a little, «So?»

Blair sighed «So, I don’t know. It’s just so weird, man. I mean, it’s like everything changed all of a sudden and yet, nothing really did. I know she won’t but… what happens if Naomi phones tomorrow? I wouldn’t know what to do! I mean, she’s still the same woman she was the last time she called me. She’s still the same, it’s just *my* perception of her that has changed, you see what I mean?»

«I’m trying to, Chief » The Sentinel answered, frowning slightly.

«Let me try to explain, then.» He closed his eyes a moment «Okay, let’s see.» He opened them again and watched Jim’s face intensely, as if willing his lover to understand what he was saying, «I didn’t completely make my childhood a fairy tale where everything was nice, right? In my head, I knew Naomi wasn’t the mother I wanted her to be, but see, deep inside, I really thought she loved me like any mother should love their children. I sincerely thought everything she did, she did out of love. I deserved what she did to me and she did it because she was my mother. You understand?»

«Aw, Chief.» Jim shook his head. He knew that speech by heart, having heard it more times than he wanted to think about at work. «This is so wrong.»

«I know, Jim. »

«Do you?» Jim’s look was intense. «Do you, really?»

«I do, man, okay? But she’s my mother! What do you want me to do?»

«For God’s sake!» Jim was on the verge of another angry speech and he realized it wouldn’t accomplish anything… not at the moment. It would only alienate his lover, who, for all his apparent coherence and cooperation, was still really confused. Things were going too fast, maybe. The Sentinel couldn’t ask for a total admission right now.

Blair was still looking at him, obviously waiting for the volcano to explode once more. This conversation was a mine field. Jim swallowed his angry words and took what he hoped would be a calming breath. He also knew abused children had a special kind of relationship with their parents, a complex mix of hate and love. They might hate their abusers, but they couldn’t stop loving their parents. Apparently, even adults weren’t safe from the same fucked up view. Jim shook his head. He was way out of his league here. He couldn’t let Blair defend his mother, could he? How was the young man supposed to have any sense of closure if he kept on believing his mother was also one of the victims here?

«You’ll excuse me, Chief, if I couldn’t care less about your mother right now.» Blair would just have to understand how he felt. He wouldn’t let Blair take *any* blame in the whole affair. «All I see is a woman who abused her child and who --still now-- is hurting him. Do you eveen realize the power she has over you?»

«It’s not a matter of power, Jim--» Blair tried.

«The hell it isn’t! Look at us! We’re arguing about something *she* did to you and it sounds like *she* is the victim. You don’t want to hurt her feelings! Poor Naomi!»

«Stop it, man, stop it!» Blair was yelling again «Don’t you understand? If I confront her again, she’ll become the same hating mother she was, and I couldn’t stand it.» He gave his lover a look of pure anguish «Do you hear me? I COULDN’T STAND IT!»

The silence following the heartbreaking confession seemed to fill the whole room. Blair’s breathing was harsh and his eyes shimmered with more than anger. «Do you understand?» He repeated, his gaze never leaving the Sentinel’s face. His voice was now very soft, as if he didn’t have any strengh left. «Do you finally understand, Jim?» He closed his eyes «I couldn’t stand it if she hated me again.»

Jim didn’t utter a word, didn’t initiate a movement. His fist clenched and unclenched obssessively. Blair was right, he didn’t understand. He didn’t understand that Blair could be afraid of losing everything he had with a mother who abused him, afraid of losing the fragile illusion that she deeply cared for and loved him. The Sentinel wanted to destroy the threat to his Guide’s well being, the lover couldn’t bear the thought of pretending nothing was wrong with the woman who had hurt his mate so deeply. Sentinel and lover both wanted something: revenge and justice. Jim suddenly realized he wouldn’t have either- not for a long time at least. He needed to forget his own rage if he wanted to be able to help Blair. He needed to be more attentive to his lover’s needs and fears. His selfish need to ban Naomi from their home and their life needed to be forgotten… For now.

«You’re right, Blair. I don’t understand.» Jim lay down and pulled his Guide to him so that the young man cuddled against him. The Sentinel could hear his lover’s racing heart and decided it was time to slow things down. «I don’t understand, but I want to. It’s just that I don’t know how I’m going to be civil with your mother if she phones or drops in soon.»

«If it makes you feel better, the truth is, I don’t know either,» Blair replied quietly.

«It doesn’t exactly make me feel better, but it’s still something I guess.»

It made Blair chuckle tiredly. «If you say so, Jim.» He yawned. «Man, I’m exhausted. What time is it?»

Jim quickly checked the clock and was surprised to see it was past 8.00pm. Time apparently flew when you were in the middle of an emotional crisis. «I’d say it’s later than I thought, but still a little too early for you to go to sleep.»

«I can’t keep my eyes open, man. I’m going to sleep now, Jim. I don’t want to talk anymore, please?»

The older man kissed his lover’s head. «Okay, babe. I’ll go downstairs then. I won’t be able to sleep at all right now.»

He pulled away from his Guide and began undressing him down to his boxers, pointedly ignoring the resigned little sigh coming from the younger man. Blair never really let Jim pamper him like the Sentinel wanted. The older man always had to do it without ‘permission’. The truth was, both men knew perfectly well Blair liked it when Jim indulged himself in a little pampering session, so that wasn’t a real issue anyway. It was just Blair being stubborn… in other words, Blair being Blair. Jim could live with that, as long as he got to do as he wished, of course. Tonight, his coddling of Blair was as much for himself as for his Guide.

«Hey, don’t forget your pill.» Jim opened the drawer of the nightstand and presented one to the young man with a glass of water- they always made sure they had everything at arm’s reach. Blair knew better than to argue and he took it without a word of protest. «Good boy.» Jim whispered, ignoring the indignant glare as well.

When the young man was under the covers, Jim kissed him on the lips, licking them a little as he did. «Sleep, Chief. We’ll talk again tomorrow, all right?»

«I knew you would say that.» the younger man answered, snuggling deeper in the covers. «I’m just too tired right now. I just want to sleep.»

«Don’t worry, babe, I understand.» Jim tugged at a curl. «I’m not an ‘insensitive Neanderthal jerk’, remember?»

«Yeah.» Blair had his eyes already closed. Jim looked at the now relaxed --and almost naked-body, and couldn’t resist the sweet temptation. He lay down at his lover’s side again and spooned around him, sneaking his arm around Blair’s waist and holding him close.

«I thought you were going downstairs?» asked an already sleepy voice.

«Shh, sleep. I’ll go downstairs later. Let me enjoy this.»

«As if I would be able to stop you anyway.» Blair’s voice slurred with sleep. Jim surmised it was more a mental exhaustion than a physical one and he couldn’t blame the young man. Today had been rough for his lover.

The Sentinel kissed him again, smiling. «You’re right. You wouldn’t. You know me to well, now sleep, I said.» He couldn’t help chuckling at Blair’s more sleepy than angry ‘bossy sentinel’. Jim tightened his hold on the body of his Guide and stayed like that for a long time.

These little moments of peace were well earned and he always took advantage of them. Being close to the man he loved was something that relaxed and secured him, and he didn’t have any intention of losing even a minute of it. He let the steady sound of Blair’s heartbeat lull him quietly. He needed to ‘find his center’ again -as Blair would say, he needed to be able to accept everything Blair had told him. This had been hard on him as well and he hurt too. Now that his lover was asleep, Jim was able to wind down from the emotional roller coaster of the evening. He needed the peace and quiet more than ever and was grateful for Blair being able to do it like this, spooned around the younger man, listening to his precious heartbeat, surrounded by his sweet scent. No matter how difficult it could be for Jim, no matter how pissed he could get sometimes, how hard Blair could push him from time to time, he never *ever* forgot what was at stake. Those moments when he had Blair’s body next to him, asleep and relaxed, unburdened -even just for the night- from his worries and fears, were almost sacred to the Sentinel and always helped him recharge his battery.

***

If you asked Jim, that particular night had been a turning point. Maybe if he had to pinpoint a moment when things started getting better faster, it had been after Blair’s revelation. The younger man seemed to get stronger and stronger. He’d still been keeping things to himself, but it was more a matter of taking his time to speak about more painful memories than really hiding secrets from Jim *or* himself. And the Sentinel could be patient, he’d proved it during all those months.

One of the most telling changes for instance, was Blair’s decision to come out to their friends-to Jim’s surprise and delight. They’d invited the Gang over one evening and told them about their relationship. It had been so wonderful being able to be themselves in front of others. To be able to act as any other couple. By their acceptance, the Gang had offered a great gift to both men. In a perfect world, there would have been no *need* for acceptance, their homosexuality would have just been another way of loving someone, but this world wasn’t perfect, and their friends’ tolerance had been a relief and a gift, indeed.

Jim cherished all those memories as the treasure they were. The memory of the day when the guys had been invited to the loft -some time after the Sentinel and his Guide had their big talk-- when Jim had finally been able to play the lover instead of the good friend, was a day that would definitely stay in his memory for a long time, probably forever. Jim didn’t intend to forget it, at least. The Sentinel had tried to keep a low profile all afternoon, not wanting to embarass Blair for their first get together with their friends post coming out, as he’d called it, but it had been just too difficult for him, and the Sentinel had soon become the attentive lover he just couldn’t help being to his partner.

There was also the first time Jim had called his lover by one of his beloved pet names, right in front of Simon, Joel and H. Jim had felt more and more comfortable in the presence of their friends. That day, they’d gathered at the loft to watch the Jag’s game. They were all relaxed, enjoying the game and the company, and Jim had asked Blair to bring him another beer, and in doing so, he’d let a pet name slip.

"Give me another one, babe!"

From his seat, eyes fixed on the screen, Jim didn't even realize what he’d said until he heard a surprised gasp coming from his lover. Then a whiny "Jiiiiiim" told him he’d just made a mistake, and at a dangerous "you’re going to regret it later, man"… well, that he would certainly regret it later.

Soft laughter was heard in the living room.

"Don’t get embarassed, Sandburg," Simon quickly reassured the young man. "This is just Sappy Jim unable to stop being sweet to his lover, I guess." He chuckled.

"Yeah, Sappy Jim," H followed. " Who would have thought?"

Simon frowned at that, definitely thinking about something. "Actually, Jim, I don’t remember ever seeing you like that with Carolyn. Now that I think of it… "

Jim rolled his eyes, but his face was serious. "You know about those women who just don’t like pet names because it make them feel less respected by their partners? Well, Caro was one of them. She just hated for me to call her things like that, and it was even worse if I tried it in front of our friends. She always said she was too independant for that kind of behavior and that she just didn’t like the possessive connotation of those pet names. I don’t know what she wanted to prove, but what could I do? Anyway, I kinda missed calling her things like that, actually." Jim shrugged.

"This is stupid if you ask me!" H finally said "What does calling your lover 'baby' or 'honey' have to do with independance or respect? I respect Melissa, she knows that, but I just can’t help myself. She’s my babe, you know?"

Nods and soft words met the statement. Everyone agreed, of course.

Then, coming to the realisation that it wasn’t always sensitive talking about ex lovers -or worse, ex wives- in front of the new one, Simon smoothly redirected the conversation. "So, how come we never hear you call Jim by pet names, Sandburg?" He teased.

"Yeah, how come?" Joel insisted, laugher in his eyes, as well.

Amused faces eagerly waited for the juicy piece of infomation.

Blair came back from the kitchen with food and Jim’s beer and sat down again on the couch. He smiled sweetly and a little too innocently for Jim’s peace of mind. "It’s just that I don’t use them as often as Jim, and then I don’t want to embarass my macho man, you know?" Then he turned to his lover. "Here’s your beer sweetcheeks."

The Gang barked in laughter, H choking on his drink.

Jim rolled his eyes and sent a dark glare at his lover, who was smiling smugly. "Laugh it up, guys. Go ahead, see if I care!"

The men laughed even harder, and then calmed down.

"Seriously, though, " Simon said quietly, "I don’t think I ever heard you call Jim something other than his name."

"Man! Are we really talking about this?" Blair asked, to the other men’s surprise, slightly blushing.

"Why not?" Joel asked quietly. He pointed towards Simon and H. "We talk about Katerina and Melissa all the time."

Simon and H nodded silently.

"Blair, that’s what we always do when we’re in a serious relationship. Why should it be different with you and Jim?" Joel counter-attacked again.

Jim followed the exchange without a word. He sensed it was important for the guys to make their point on their own. He was silently jumping for joy, though, no doubt about that.

Blair still didn't looked convinced. "I know but… I mean, you aren’t… Oh, I don’t know what I mean." He smiled softly, "It’s just still new-- being able to talk about us so freely, I mean. And anyway, I never talked about my lovers to my friends, even before Jim, so it’s a little awkward for me, that’s all."

Really surprised at that admission, the others exchanged a glance with each other before looking at Jim, who had his eyes locked on his Guide’s face.

Sensing that they could ask more, that it was safe for them to ask more, Simon took the lead. "Why not?"

The three men resumed eating their sandwiches and pretended to take an interest in the game once again, trying not to overwhelm the young man. Casual was sometimes what worked best with skittish people.

They all knew the couple was still involved in therapy and Simon was -of course- aware of most of the young anthropologist’s problems, but so far, Blair had never initiated any talk on the subject. They all respected that, of course, but that afternoon, they felt they could try to make him talk… They just instinctively understood they had to tread carefully with him though, no matter what.

"Well," Blair began, "I guess I…" he looked uncertainly at Jim, as if reassuring himelf everything was fine and that he was safe. Yes, Blair was better by then, way better than only a month before even, but from time to time, his old shy self came back to the surface. It happened less and less often, though.

Jim smiled at his lover, assuring him everything was fine. Blair smiled in return.

"It’s just that there was nothing to tell, really… I mean, usually, the guys I dated didn’t even like me to talk about them to my friends anyway… let’s just say they were *not* Jim."

"Oh, they weren’t over-protective, possessive and sappy, then?" Joel softly teased, wanting to lighten up the atmosphere.

Blair’s lips twitched at that. "Well, for the possessive part, I wouldn’t say that. But they sure weren’t sappy or overprotective!" He frowned, deeply lost in thought. "It’s strange. I just don’t understand it. I mean, I’ve been really watching other couples these past months and I always saw a mutual need from both the lovers to belong with the other, but there’s not this feeling of ownership I now realise was a part of my former relationhips. I just don’t understand…" Then, he looked up, realising he had said more than he wanted to. He blushed slightly and shrugged, " Oh well.. it doesn’t matter anymore, right?" He cleared his throat and gave them one of his killer smiles.

Simon spoke softly. "That’s where you’re wrong, Blair. It *does* matter, because no one should treat their lover the way you seemed to have been treated. But then, you’re also right, in a way, it doesn’t matter anymore, since you have Jim now… I just hope you realise how wrong they all were, all of them?"

"I wasn’t talking about any abuse, Simon." Blair said, blinking.

"Weren’t you?" Joel asked.

H put his hand on the young man’s knee to attract his attention. "We’re cops, Blair, don’t you think we see that kind of thing on a daily basis? You don’t have to be ashamed of anything. What? Because you’re a man, you can’t be abused by your partner? Should I give you the statistics in male/male abusive relationships then, or in female/female ones?"

The young man shook his head absently, he didn't need H to show them to him, Dr. Teree had already done it in one of sessions.

"I wish we had seen it before, Hairboy, I swear. Maybe we could have helped you in a way… I don’t know how, but maybe? I just get so angry when I see a woman *or* a man" he emphasized the last word, "getting beat on by their partners and I see them alone in their hell, with no one to help them… and here you were, with all that shit from your past and we never saw *anything*. Talk about being a fucking detective!"

Blair looked at him, speechless. "I…. I just… you couldn’t have done anything, H. I didn’t even think…" the young man closed his eyes, trying to gather his thoughts. He'd never talked about his past to anyone other than Jim and Teree… it wasn’t so easy beginning to do so. But apparently he believed their friends deserved his trust, because he opened his eyes and there was determination in them. "I didn’t realise my former relationships were wrong, H. I just didn’t see it. Do you understand?"

The older man frowned slightly. "Not really. Explain it to me, Hairboy."

The familiar nickname was a soft reminder that Blair was among friends, and that there was no need to hide anything. But because the young Guide felt he was in for a long and maybe painful conversation, he couldn’t help scooting closer to Jim, and smiled gratefully when he felt his lover’s arms around his shoulder, pulling him against his Sentinel’s body. He leaned slightly on Jim’s chest, comfortable enough in front of the guys not to feel too self-conscious about it.

Then, he looked seriously at the three men in front of him, wanting them to understand what he’d gone though. "Imagine you lived your whole life following a rule. Of course, you don’t know you’re following that particular rule. To you, you’re just living your life like any other person on the planet, right? Now, imagine that rule is wrong, it’s twisted, completely different from the rules everyone else lives by. But *you* don’t know it. How could you know any way different than the life you always lived? It’s impossible, of course. So, you keep on following that rule.. that’s what I was doing. I just lived my life based on a twisted view of what a safe and sane relationship is supposed to be." Blair swallowed, talking about that had still been difficult. "To me, there was nothing wrong with my lovers, with the way they treated me. I sincerely and deeply thought it was normal. I knew everyone didn’t live like that, I saw it on a daily basis, but to me, in a way… *they* had a problem, *those* relationships were wrong. Do you see?"

"I think so, yes. But now… now, you know, right?"

Blair nodded quietly, but Jim felt their friends deserved a sincere answer.

"In a way, he’s still learning." He gave a quick kiss to the young man’s hair. "That’s not something easy to forget. That’s what we’ve been working on all these months… still are actually, right, babe?" He finally asked deliberately, wanting to make Blair smile, even a little.

Blair nodded again, still serious, but couldn’t help smiling at his lover’s obvious attempt at relaxing him.

"That’s good then," Joel concluded. "We just wanted you to know that there was nothing to be ashamed of, all right? We would never think less of you because of what happened in the past. I know we’re not always the most sensitive guys you can find, but… believe me when I say that we understand, okay, Blair?"

The young man’s eyes widened endearingly at that and Jim felt his Guide’s heartbeat accellerating a bit at the sudden emotion his young lover felt. He tightened his hold on him.

"Okay," was the only answer Blair was able to give at the moment.

"Well, if we’re clear on that, Sandburg, then everything is just fine," Simon growled. Their message had been -hopefully- understood. The Captain sensed they now needed to go back to lighter subjects. Blair needed to process everything that had been said anyway.

What had began as a light session of teasing on the guys’ part had finished in a serious talk between them all. Jim had been so proud of his friends. They’d just proved --not that they ever needed to-- how much Jim and Blair could trust them and believe in the friendship they shared.

***

The weeks following that night passed quickly, or so Jim thought. Not that things always went smoothly, far from it. The memory of Blair’s revelation still haunted them both. That night had been a huge step forward, their different talks with the Gang had helped as well, but the reality of Blair’s childhood trauma still needed to be confronted and defeated-if that was possible. In a way, those weeks had been even more exhausting than everything that happened previously. Before, Jim could only imagine the reason for Blair’s ‘mal etre’, and even if his imagination could be scary sometimes, at the time he could always tell himself it was just that, his imagination. But after his lover’s revelation, well, he *knew*, without any doubt. And *that* was completely different. He’d been in a state of anger and rage almost all the time, feeling as if he wanted to break everything in sight, or *kill* someone, but that was impossible, of course.

Blair’s first confession hadn’t been the worst, unfortunately. That was expected, all right, but knowing it was coming hadn’t helped at all. It seemed the younger man came up with sadder and sadder stories each time. Each new tale seemed sadder than the previous one, but still better than the next. They definitely were talking about a whole childhood of abuse and a whole life of emotional neglect. Through all this, Jim listened and kept his temper in check- as much as he could at least. But as soon as he was in Teree’s office, when it was safe for him to let go, he would express his rage and ask for help and guidance.

Like Blair had said that first time, Naomi hadn’t been one of those parents who beat on their children in a fit of drunken rage, and if you asked Jim, it had been worse. The sad truth was, Naomi hadn’t wanted a child, and the reason why she’d actually kept Blair was for anyone to guess. Or maybe, she *had* wanted a child, but once he was here, she realized she didn’t want the responsibiliy, didn’t want to dedicate her life to another person other than herself. She’d been a selfish and cold mother who’d only seen in her son an obstacle for the care-free life she wanted. It appeared that the little boy had been the living reminder of the biggest mistakes she’d made. The best solution she’d found to solve her ‘problem’ was to pretend he didn’t exist. For her, it had been that simple. When she couldn’t stand it --or, to be blunt, when she couldn’t stand ‘him’-- any more, she would just leave him with relatives or a ‘friend of a friend’ or whoever she could find, and when she couldn’t get someone to take him off her hands and had to keep Blair with her, she would alternate between total indifference and fits of anger. The so-called mother could ignore her own son for days, she wouldn’t talk to him or touch him. It was as if Blair hadn’t been there at all, as if he’d been totally invisible. Then, suddenly, she would ‘see’ him again, and maybe, just maybe she wouldn’t feel resentment towards him, and things would go back to normal for awhile- or as normal as life with Naomi could be. As a child, Blair had never known what would trigger his mother’s change of moods, he’d never known whether he would be visible or invisible, when it was safe to play around her, safe to talk to her, to laugh out loud, to reach a hand towards her. Jim couldn’t imagine what it had been like to get up in the mornings and not know whether your own mother would talk to you or ignore you as if you never existed, to wonder if she was in a good mood, or if today would see you hurt.

Oh no, Jim wouldn’t *ever* forgive the woman. Each new confession made by his lover had been like a knife to his heart. There wasn’t any other way of putting it, no matter what Blair could feel himself, no matter what pitiful excuse he could give for her. Jim always tried to be tolerant of his lover’s emotions, not to get angry when the younger man tried to defend his mother, but even though he’d been able to refrain from showing all his frustration to his lover, they’d both known what he thought of the woman. How could you forget or forgive the abuse the person you loved had lived through at the hands of their own mother? The answer to that question was simple, you couldn’t. Every detail of every abuse was imprinted in Jim’s mind for future reference. One day, when Blair would be strong enough to confront his mother, Jim would be there and *he* would have a talk with Naomi, too. He would ask her how someone could look in the eyes of their own child, and deny them the love and tenderness they deserved.

Until then, Jim had just listened. He never failed his lover. He’d listened and kept silent. He’d given his Guide all the support he needed, but none of his anger. He’d been the rock Blair needed at the time. Even though the younger man had known his lover’s feeling on the subject, he never felt like he was censured in any way, and it had helped him greatly to talk about his past. Jim’s total acceptance and his silence about his own resentment towards Naomi had helped a great deal in Blair’s therapy. It had also helped Jim to broach the one big issue that was still unresolved : Blair’s cutting himself.

«Remember when I told you about the microscope incident?»

Spooned around his lover, still naked and flushed from their matinal ‘activities’ on that sunny Sunday morning, Jim smiled at the euphemism. He stroked Blair’s back and neck, silently encouraging him to talk further. Teree had told them both that the younger man’s progress was really positive, and that he had to keep on talking about everything. It was Jim’s ‘duty’ to make sure his lover never felt pressured by anything, not even the older man’s pain or anger. «You mean, when you stole the microscope?» He teased gently.

«That’s what I was talking about. Anyway…you know…. that wasn’t exactly the first time I’d stolen something. The first thing I stole was a book. I remembered the whole thing last night, I don’t really know why.» Blair shrugged a little and in a matter-of-fact tone, he said, «You know, she broke my wrist that time.»

Jim’s teeth clenched automatically. He didn’t stop his soothing caresses though, and said a silent prayer of thanks that Blair who was still facing away from him. The Sentinel knew that if his Guide saw the dark gleam in his eyes, he would stop talking. It was still difficult for him to face Jim’s condemnation of his mother. That was the reason why he would often face away from his Sentinel to gather the courage to tell his sordid and sad tales, and at the same time, this gave Jim the opportunity to get upset ‘in private’. Their position was as much for his sake as it was for Jim’s. Jim also knew Blair still felt ashamed of everything that had happened to him. It was ridiculous, but again, it was a normal reaction for abuse survivors. He just hoped the feelings would disappear with time. The Sentinel shook his head and concentrated on what Blair was saying.

«I was eight at the time, and we lived in a small apartment in California. My mom had some friends there and they had this whole ‘meditation’ thing going on. They would gather at the big house where most of her friends lived,» he shifted a little and snuggled a bit closer to Jim, his back almost burying itself in his Sentinel’s chest. Jim kissed the nape of his Guide’s neck. The young man sighed contentedly. «It was a commune of sorts, you know? They had these huge rooms where they gathered for whole days and nights. I would stay at home, alone, while Naomi went there. When I didn’t have anything to eat anymore, I would go to the big house and ask for food. That’s how it worked, you know?»

Jim didn’t answer, he knew Blair didn’t expect any active participation from him yet, he just wanted a silent and attentive ear.

«Naomi really liked it there, man. When she finally came home, you know, when some big steps had been reached during the meditation, she couldn’t stop talking about it. I knew she would have loved to stay and live with the others in the house itself, but they didn’t accept kids… they were against *any* form or restraint : financial or physical, and as weird as it may sound, to them, kids were an obstacle to whatever achievement you wanted to reach. Children were a chain keeping you from being totally free. Naomi had been accepted in the circle because some of the men there had been her lovers in the past.»

At that particular comment, some thoughts popped into Jim’s mind, and not really charitable either. But of course, he refrained from saying anything.

«I knew perfectly well she wasn’t happy I was there. But it was definitely worse when she had to leave her friends because of me. See, Jim, each time I came to the House for food, she was asked to leave so that she could take care of me. Let me tell you, man, she was *not* pleased. Most of the time, she would come home and the first thing she did was to slap me around a little. She was just so frustrated, you know? She would give me some money and send me to the store and that was that. The problem was, she couldn’t return to the House for three days.» He shrugged again, «that was the rule. Those three days were so hard, Jim, so hard. At the end of the first day, she wouldn’t even hit me or push me around, she would just ignore me…she didn’t talk to me or look at me, nothing. It was as if I was invisible again. And it hurt. I had to stay in my corner, and stay silent. At first, I tried to talk to her, huddled there, but she just acted like I wasn’t there, and after awhile, I just couldn’t make myself talk at all. I was like a silent ghost…I was nothing, Jim.» Blair swallowed and took a deep breath «Then, when the three days ended, she left and went back to the House, staying as long as she could, and I would be all alone, once more. Sometimes…sometimes, just the idea of going and *asking* for food was enough to make me gag. I remember that, Jim.»

Jim, still in non-verbal communication mode, kissed his Guide’s neck, and then he licked it tenderly- a gesture that spoke of pure comfort, a little primitive maybe, but sometimes he just had these *urges* and Blair had taught him to let his instincts speak. He always listened to his Guide -even if that wasn’t always obvious-and right now…he needed to do that.

Blair seemed to appreciate the gesture. His body relaxed a bit and he bent his head a little to give better access to his lover. Jim nibbled the skin there, before going back to the licking and kissing. He did that for several minutes, and when he felt his Guide’s body going limp, he stopped.

The younger man sighed, «Thanks, Jim.» He collected his thoughts once again «There was this book… about Native American legends, and I wanted it. I knew I couldn’t buy it, I had just enough money to pay for food, and even at eight, I knew that a penny was a penny, you know? I mean, Naomi was always speaking about being free from the ‘little green paper’ and everything that it represents, but she sure was strict about how we could spend it. But here was this book…so beautiful with its shining cover, and those big images inside. And one day…I took it.» He chuckled «Well, to be precise,, I *tried* to, because someone saw me and actually stopped me before I really stole it. They were really nice to me, actually. They didn’t even call the police. The truth is, they took pity on me. I was so small, and I didn’t really talk a lot, and apparently I looked ‘terrified’. So, the man just took me back to the House -everyone knew about it-and he asked to see my mother.»

Blair cleared his throat a little. Jim didn’t wait, without a word, he reached towards the nightstand, and gave the glass of water that was still there to his lover. The young man drunk slowly, then they went back to their respective positions. «She didn’t say a lot when he was there. She thanked him, and told him it wouldn’t happen again. But when we came home…when we came home, she showed me how displeased she was, Jim. She yelled at me and hit me…finally, she was reacting, she was *seeing* me. She hurt me, but at least, she was there.» Blair smiled sadly, «To tell the truth, she didn’t really break my wrist herself. You know how clumsy I can be sometimes, Big Guy. But see, when she gave me the last hit, she pushed me hard, and I fell. I tried to break the fall, and instead I broke my wrist.» This time, the younger man gave a harsh laugh «That pissed her off big time, let me tell you. She had to take me to the hospital afterwards of course, and she was forced to stay with me for awhile…she didn’t stay long, mind you, she found someone to take care of me after a few days.» He shrugged «Story of my life. But see, Jim…I realized something. I did it on purpose. I mean…I wanted that book, and I knew I couldn’t have it, but I was use to it, used to not having what I wanted, you know? It wasn’t that big a deal. But I wanted my mom to…to be mad at me. I wanted her to yell, to hit me, because it would feel good. Not the pain really, but her attention. She would finally see me, she would focus on *me*. And if she was mad enough -like I knew she would be-I would even feel her hands on me. Of course, aftewards, she would ignore me again, but maybe the pain would remind me of her.» His voice trailed off «That’s why I did it.» Suddenly, Blair turned towards Jim and buried his face into his lover’s neck. «I wanted her to hit me…how sick or stupid is that?»

Jim didn’t answer right away. He resumed his soothing strokes over Blair’s back, from the neck down to his buttocks. The touch was still one of comfort and still not sexual. He tried to reassure Blair. «That wasn’t sick nor stupid. It was a twisted, but smart and logical solution found by a little boy who just wanted his mother’s love and attention. That’s all.» Jim suddenly felt that the younger man was ready to talk about another issue. He made sure his voice was neutral -he didn’t need Blair to get on the defensive once again-- «So…was that when you began cutting yourself, Chief?»

Blair kept silent for several minutes. Jim didn’t push him, he felt content with nuzzling his Guide’s neck softly, patiently waiting.

«Maybe,» was the soft reply.

Jim didn’t lose contact with his lover’s body, but he propped himself up on his elbow. Blair had stopped talking again, and the Sentinel didn’t plan on letting the conversation die now «Maybe?» he insisted.

Blair shifted, and for once, he didn’t face away from Jim. He turned on his back and looked up at his lover. The older man was still propped on his elbow, the perfect incarnation of silent patience. That made the younger man smile inwardly, despite the seriousness of the subject they were dealing with. He knew Jim was dying to know the truth about his self-mutilation. Blair cringed at the term, realizing for the first time how ugly the word really was. Its meaning and everything that was hidden behind it turned it into an offensive and sick word. He could see that now.

«Chief?» Jim inquired, «You with me?»

His Guide smiled apologetically «Yeah, sorry. Just thinking.»

«Deep thoughts obviously.» Jim kissed away the frown that had appeared on Blair’s forehead. «Care to share?» he tried.

«Maybe.»

«I see,» Jim said, teasing a little, «we’re back to that one, are we?»

Realizing he must have sounded like a broken record, Blair chuckled. «I was just thinking about your question, man.»

Sensing that it was safe for him to initiate a touch, Jim let one hand linger over Blair’s naked skin, tickling it a little without really meaning it, in order to keep his lover relaxed. He grinned fondly at Blair’s little gasp and stopped. It wasn’t the time to get playful. He didn’t want to arouse, but to soothe. «So, Chief, what were you thinking exactly?»

«That maybe it was why I started cutting myself, yes. Because the pain felt good. It filled a void inside me, it made me *feel*. But you would be wrong if you thought I actually starting doing it consciously. It was an accident that made me start.» He gave a little smile to Jim «Dr. Teree was proud of me when I remembered that one.» He stopped any protest coming from Jim with a finger. «I didn’t know what to do with it, that’s the reason why I didn’t tell you about anything. That’s all, okay big guy?»

Jim shook his head. «I’m not saying anything, Chief, see?» He jerked his head a little «That’s me not saything anything and *waiting*.» The emphasis on the last word was clear enough, and it made Blair chuckle softly. He never imagined he could feel so relaxed when talking about that kind of subject with his lover, and he suddenly realized how far he’d come from the angry and hurting man he was only a few months ago. All thanks to the tenacity and love of one James Joseph Ellison. Blair couldn’t help the rush of raw affecton he felt at the thought. He tilted his head up and kissed him hotly.

The Sentinel didn’t know where the kiss came from exactly, but he wasn’t man enough to refuse or question his lover, so he just responded to it, letting Blair take charge and definitely loving every second of it. When the kiss ended, both men had a big grin on their faces.

«Well, that was one hell of a kiss, babe,» Jim finally said, «Any particular reason?»

Blair shrugged. «I’m afraid that would be too sappy, Jim. Better not ask.»

Jim laughed at that, and he nibbled at his Guide’s lips. «If you say so.»

Blair grinned back at his Sentinel. Then the grin faded a little, and his face turned serious again. «The first time was an accident,» he repeated.

Jim frowned, «What do you mean exactly?»

«I’m not trying to say I was never responsible for my actions, man, I promise. It’s just that I didn’t decide one day that I was going to… to cut myself, you know? The first time *was* a pure accident. I was upset and I didn’t pay attention to what I was doing.» Blair rubbed his left hand unconsciously. «I cut my hand pretty bad…I was there, looking at all the blood, feeling the throbbing, and suddenly it was as if I was feeling a new world of sensation. I don’t know how long I stayed in the kitchen, over the sink, but that’s when I realized hurting could feel *good*. Also, with the blood pouring out of my hand, it felt like I was losing all my anger, you know? It felt so strange, but so damn good, Jim…it was scary but pure pleasure as well…. The next time, it wasn’t by accident at all. The next time I took a knife and cut myself, I did it willingly, hoping I would feel the same thing again…and I did, oh I did, man. It still hurt, but the more I did it, the better if felt, and at one point… it was like an addiction, like the only way for me to hurt less from what my mother could do to me, of from any other hurt I had to face. It filled the void she couldn’t-wouldn’t fill for me. *I* was expunging all the hurt out of my mind and my body, and *I* controlled it..I controlled everything, the hurt and the pleasure. It was so powerful, Jim…» Blair’s voice trailed off.

«How old were you, Chief? That first time?» Jim asked in a whisper.

«Eleven…»

«God, Blair…this is all so wrong! I… I just ache so much for that small kid, Chief.» He buried his head in his lover’s neck…as if hiding from the picture he had in his mind. A picture of a hurting child mutilating himself for the illusion of feeling better.

«I know, Jim, I know…»

Jim silently took Blair’s left hand and licked the palm, where the scar could be seen without enhanced sight. «It’s so hard to believe this scar is responsible for all the others.» He kissed it. «Is there a scar on your body that isn’t full of sadness and hurt, Chief?» He asked almost resignedly.

«Of course, Jim.» his Guide whispered. He pulled the cover back a bit and pointed at his right knee «See that one? I was six. I was playing with some older kids and we were climbing trees and of course, I fell. I didn’t like heights already. I didn’t really hurt myself, just scratched my knee enough to leave a small scar. They said I was a real ‘champ’ because I didn’t even cry.» He smiled fondly at the memory. «I showed off my bandaged knee all day as if it was a heroic war wound.»

The Sentinel chuckled at the image of his lover as a small boy. He let the sheet fall completely off the bed, baring both of them. Withouth leaving his Guide’s face, he ran his hand over Blair’s body, and lapped at the little scar-one they could both think of without any pain.

Blair’s heart started to accelerate at the predatory look in his Sentinel’s eyes. He knew what it meant and was more than ready to accept everything his lover wanted to give him.

Jim sensed the change in his Guide’s body and smiled sexily. His hands were still running over his lover’s skin, which was getting warmer and warmer. Blair’s scent was getting more and more aroused-and *arousing*. «Show me, babe.» Jim said huskily, «Show me some more good memories imprinted on your skin. I need it.»

Blair nodded mutely and pointed at another part of his body, he was playing the game eagerly. This time, it was higher, on his thigh. «This one!» he gasped as Jim’s hot tongue licked at the little bit of skin he had just shown. «I was fourteen and hiking with some friends in a forest. While I was crossing a river, one of the girls made me laugh so hard, I lost my footing and fell on a rock.» He closed his eyes, abandoning himself to the ectasy created by Jim’s touch. «This is so good, Jim, don’t stop.»

«Don’t plan to,» came the muffled reply from a busy Jim. The Sentinel was playing with Blair’s body in a way he knew so well. He had every intention to take his time and to lick, stroke and touch just about every inch of his lover’s hot body. They both needed it-needed to feel each other that way, needed to be a part of each other once more. He felt Blair’s hand sliding all over his back, stroking his buttocks. He, too, knew how to play his Sentinel’s body like a master musician.

When Jim finally kissed Blair, both men were rocked hard. They smiled at each other and went back to exploring each other’s bodies. Blair was still flat on his back, and his whole body was arched back, he was letting Jim take him to the verge and back, encouraging the Sentinel’s hands on his skin, now able to enjoy the sweetness of their touch.

They didn’t rush things, they both wanted it slow that morning. It felt like they could last all day, needing the reassurance of the other’s presence. Their bodies were literally feasting on each other, as if it was the first time. When finally they both felt they couldn’t take more of the tantaziling caresses, Jim shifted places and they latched onto each other’s cock in a lazy sixty-nine. Their moans filled the loft, the sounds of pleasure filling each other’s mind. Jim was the first to come, Blair not far behind him. Jim came to rest at his lover’s side and they kissed again, tasting each other, and waiting for their hearts to slow down a bit.

But it wasn’t over yet, and soon they wanted more. In a swift motion, Jim had his Guide on top of him. One hand curved around the nape of the young man’s neck, while another squeezed his buttocks, pushing the younger man hard against him, their cocks grinding against each other in a fury of movement. The music of their gasps and moans seemed to be the only sounds in the world for them…nothing existed any more but the pleasure born from the union of their two bodies. Without losing contact with his moaning lover, Jim reached out to grab the lube on the nightstand and, in a hurry, slicked his hand. But instead of penetrating Blair, he slid his hand under his Guide’s body and coated the young man’s cock with lube, while he spread his legs wide to accommodate the younger man.

Blair’s eyes were almost completely black, and if possible, his cock got harder at what Jim was asking. «Are you sure?» he gasped.

«More than sure, Blair. I’ve been a part of you so many times already, but you haven’t so far. Not in this way, I mean.» His own eyes prooved the tight restraint he had on his arousal, but he needed to show Blair he really meant it. Maybe the young man hadn’t been ready to take him before…then again, maybe it was *Jim* who hadn’t been ready. But now, he definitely was, and he wanted that from his lover.

Blair leaned down and showered Jim’s face with kisses before passing his lips teasingly over his lover’s. «This is going to be so good, Jim,» he all but purred. «So good. Thanks, lover.»

Blair worked his way down his lover’s torso, running hands and tongue all over the heated flesh. He took the lube in his hands and without waiting, he slid his now slicked fingers into Jim’s tight opening. Blair never really needed a lot of prep before being fucked, even if Jim loved taking his time playing with his Guide’s ‘sweet ass’, but Jim didn’t usually bottom and hadn’t for a long time, and Blair refused to take even the slightest risk of hurting his lover.

Jim was more than relaxed already, but he didn’t try to coax his lover into hurrying. He let Blair choose the pace and enjoyed his Guide’s touch inside his body. He couldn’t wait to have more of him in him. He wanted to feel Blair deep inside him, and he growled in anticipation.

Blair smiled at the sound, and decided Jim was ready. The younger man didn’t think he could wait much longer either, anyway. He took his Sentinel’s hips in a tight hold and positioned himself at Jim’s entrance. He leaned down again and kissed him tenderly. «I’m going in, Jim,» he whispered.

Jim was more than ready, he was going to explode. «I’d like to see more fucking and less talking, Chief,» was his only reply.

Blair laughed out loud, the love he had for the man beneath him almost overwhelming him. He’d never thought making love could be so hot, so loving, so much fun. He pushed inside his lover’s tight heat and gasped at the sensation. He didn’t stop though, and pushed further until he was sheathed deep-so deep it seemed they could never be separated. Then he stilled.

«Move, Chief. You’re killing me!»

Blair closed his eyes and obeyed his lover. He started a rocking motion, thrusting deep in his Sentinel’s body. It felt as if he’d never known a hotter and sweeter place. The sensation was incredible. He alternated between hard and slow thrusts. He wanted to give Jim the best ride he’d ever had. He wanted his lover to feel it, totally and completely-wanted him to know without a doubt that Blair *was* a part of him and always would be. He gave all of himself to his mate, rocking faster and harder, his body slicked with sweat and his heart beating so fast it was a miracle he didn’t have a heart attack. It felt as if Blair was freeing himself of all his doubts, all his securites, all his pain. Maybe if was just an illusion, but that’s how it felt, and it felt so good.

Jim was in a sensory heaven. All his being seemed turned towards his lover, to what the younger man was giving him. All his senses latched onto his Guide. Blair was the first lover he had felt safe enough to completely let go with, and the new experience of having the younger man fucking him was rapidly becoming one of the best he’d had. His lover was still pounding into him with all his might, and the sensation prooved to be too much. He came in a roar and waited for his lover to follow him, sated and limp in the bed, almost drunk with pleasure. He reached his hand to Blair’s burning skin and looked at him. He knew his Guide was near his own climax and he loved watching Blair come. It was one of the most beautiful sights he could witness.

When he reached his climax, yelling his lover’s name, Blair literally fell on his Sentinel’s chest, too spent to move. He was still buried deep inside Jim, and he could feel his cock go soft inside the tight channel, but he just couldn’t make himself pull away, not just yet. The young man kissed the skin he had under him- the base of the throat, then tongued the nipples in lazy strokes. He was winding down slowly. Jim was in no hurry to speed the process anyway, he didn’t want to let him go. He locked one of his legs around one of Blair’s in an attempt to keep him where he was. His hands roaming over Blair’s sweat-slicked and so hot back, to his buttocks, and he felt as if he could stay like this all day.

«Oh Jim, it was perfect.» Blair finally said, purring. «You felt it, didn’t you? The connection?» He looked up, eyes still sparkling.

Jim kissed the tempting lips and closed his eyes while inhaling discreetly. Their scents were entwined in an intimate way. The Sentinel almost couldn’t tell which belonged to whom, they were like one. He sighed happily. «Yes, Chief, I still can, actually.» He let the young man ease out of him slowly, but still refused to let him go. He needed to feel the heated skin on his own for a while. He manhandled the younger man so that Blair was plastered even more tightly (if it was possible) against him-- his Guide’s head nestled in the crook of his neck. Jim loved having his lover like this. He smiled at the sated little sigh that escaped from Blair.

«I knew it, Jim. I knew you felt it too. It was different from before in a way. It was so good.» Then, «*You* were good.»

Jim chuckled at the mischievous tone of his lover. «Thanks, babe. I didn’t want you to think you had the monopoly.» He hissed as his left nipple was pinched, then soothed with a warm tongue. He smacked an asscheek «Don’t start something we won’t be able to finish, Chief.»

«Talk about yourself, man,» was the teasing reply. To be honest, Blair was spent and he was perfectly happy doing nothing more than cuddling with his Sentinel.

The older man laughed out loud. He’d been waiting for so long to see the playful and relaxed side of his lover in bed. In the past few weeks, he’d seen it more and more, and he was addicted to it. He loved seeing Blair like that. He’d always *known* Blair would be like that. Jim was aware that things weren’t over yet --maybe in a way, would never be *compleetely* over, that Blair would carry the burden of his past all his life, even if he knew now how to carry it without being broken by its weight, but things were so much better-- *Blair* was so much better…and therefore Jim was as well. Things had improved so much that even the idea of future difficulties or setbacks weren’t enough to smother Jim’s relief and hope.

The Sentinel cradled his lover’s neck and tilted the young man’s head up a little, he kissed his lips softly, «We’ll be all right, babe.»

Blair nodded and went back to his favourite place without a word, stroking lightly over his lover’s hip in a lazy motion. He felt good…and everything seemed clearer now.

***

Still sitting on the couch several weeks after that wonderful Sunday morning, Jim sighed at the thought of it. There had been times when Blair felt his doubts come to the surface again. There had been a small setback as was expected in such difficult a process, but it was *nothing* like it used to be, and Blair himself was now able to calm himself down and *talk* about what caused the crisis.

Jim kissed Blair’s hair tenderly. He’d reached his goal-he’d helped his lover *see* what love was, he’d made him *accept* it. The Sentinel could swear he felt the changes. Well, he could *sense* them to begin with. His Guide didn’t have the angry and hurt scent he’d displayed during all those months, his hearbeat sounded more peaceful, his eyes were clearer, not clouded any more like they used to be. But even more than that, Jim thought he could feel it all around Blair, as if his Guide’s new peace of mind ‘hummed’ -Jim couldn’t find another word for it-- all around his body. To be honest, the older man didn’t know whether what he sensed was real or not, and he didn’t care. All he cared about was that his lover, his Guide, was now happier than he’d ever been, and could accept love and give it back. It wasn’t only about sex either. Oh, the sex they shared was so good it was almost indecent sometimes, but it wasn’t about that. It was about intimacy. In their everyday life, things were different, and definitely better…maybe even perfect? Although Jim had always believed nothing was ever perfect, he had some doubts now. The Sentinel smiled at that more than sappy thought…but he’d fought so hard for the right to have the happy and quiet life they now shared, he thought he deserved some self satisfaction…even if they were exaggerated.

They still went to Dr. Teree’s. Not very often now, granted, but they still went. When you broke your leg, you didn’t go and play basketball the day after the cast was off, or else you ran the risk of breaking it again and it would take even longer for everything to go back to normal. Well, that was what the couple thought as well, and that was the reason why they hadn’t stopped their meetings with Dr. Teree as soon as things started getting better.

And to be completely honest, Jim still thought there was a last step to take, a last wall to break. That wall had a name, of course, it was called ‘Naomi’ and Jim still wanted more than anything to do something about it. So, maybe he didn’t get *everything* he wanted, maybe *everything* wasn’t perfect after all. Naomi was still a sore spot for both of them.

Jim knew it was certainly wishful thinking, but he truly felt that if Blair confronted his mother once and for all, everything would ‘click’ and they could reach the end of it. But that confrontation had never come. Naomi had only called four times since the beginning of the year, and only twice after Blair had made his revelation…she had never visited once. Jim had confused feelings about it. He was furious about the way Naomi kept on ignoring her son’s life and needs, but relieved that the woman hadn’t invaded his territory again. He still remembered the arguments Blair and he had the last two times Naomi had called. Jim had to admit his lover hadn’t been the easygoing and welcoming son he always was toward his mother prior the therapy, but nor had he even tried to broach the subject either. That seemed to be more than he could bear at the time.

But Jim both wanted and feared the confrontation. For Blair’s sake first, of course. He couldn’t stand the thought of his lover hurting anymore, and he knew perfectly well that facing Naomi *would* hurt the younger man, even if it was necessary. But what Jim also feared was the aftermath. Would Blair really be able to get past everything his mother had done to him? Would everything really be overcome? Was it even possible? Deep inside, Jim knew it was doubtful, but he really wished it could be that simple. So the real question was, would Jim be able to face the idea that confronting Naomi wouldn’t be the great victory he thought it would be, but just *a* victory among others?

Reality vs wishful thinking. That was the bottom line of Jim’s anxiety. He liked to think they were one step before the whole and complete resolution of Blair’s problems. He just had to look at his happy and relaxed lover to believe it. Things even seemed simpler now, as if Blair never reverted to his old pattern any more, as if he never got nervous about some of Jim’s reaction. But it wasn’t true.

Jim had thought about it a lot, of course, and he came to the conclusion that maybe the solution was to never take things for granted. They just had to believe in themselves as a couple, take things as they came and never give up. Jim thought he’d proved he could take just about everything that was thrown at him if it meant he could help his lover. And Blair was definitely stronger. Jim still remembered what his Guide had told him not so long ago, that the young man was now ‘the man he always wished to be’. That wasn’t something you could easily forget.

As familiar sounds came from outside the door of the loft, Jim smiled. He kissed Blair’s temple and shifted a little to show his lover they needed to get up. «I hear Simon and H, Chief.» He cocked his head a little and chuckled at something H had just said. «It seems we’re meeting a bunch of hungry cops, babe. I can almost hear their stomachs growl.»

Blair sent a mock glare at his lover while walking to the door. «Yeah, well, when they’re asking where the chips and crackers are, I’ll launch them at you, man. Be prepared…and be afraid.»

Jim smiled at his Guide and followed him. The older man caught him and slid his arms around his lover’s waist, kissing him soundly, «Bring it on, babe. If I can handle you…I think I can handle just about anything and anyone.»

«You ass,» Blair laughed easily. He wriggled ouf of his Sentinel’s embrace. A knock on the door prevented him from adding anything to a smug Jim. «Get the chips, oh Mighty One. I’ll let the beasts enter.»

Jim swatted the tempting retreating rear and went to the kitchen. As he listened to the door being opened and the already loud and easygoing banter between his lover and his friends, he couldn’t help thinking he was happy with his life and shouldn’t spoil things thinking about what *could* happen. Yes, to take things as they came, to deal with everything step by step was the perfect solution. That and thank Fate for the good things that made up his life, of course.

He watched his lover, the young man was radiating peace and a happy mood…maybe the past months had been hard, but the reward was so much better than he’d hoped for. It had been worth it…all of it. And *that* was what he never should forget. As he came and sat on the couch, he felt Blair’s hand brush against his own and saw the beautiful smile directed at him, he thought that remembering that shouldn’t be a hardship… Sometimes life was difficult, and at others...it was the easiest thing on earth. Sometimes life was seeing your lover struggle to conquer his fears and his doubts, and sometimes life was a tender brush of a hand and a beautiful smile. And maybe that was the secret after all.

Fin

Precious Illusions

By Alanis Morissette

You'll rescue me right? in the exact same way they never did..

I'll be happy right? when your healing powers kick in

You'll complete me right? then my life can finally begin

I'll be worthy right? only when you realize the gem I am?

But this won't work now the way it once did

And I won't keep it up even though I would love to

Once I know who I'm not then I'll know who I am

But I know I won't keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was defenseless

And parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends

This ring will me yet as will you knight in shining armor

This pill will help me yet as will these boys gone through like water

But this won't work as well as the way it once did

'Cause I want to decide between survival and bliss

And though I know who I'm not I still don't know who I am

But I know I won't keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was a kid

And parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend

I've spent so long firmly looking outside me

I've spent so much time living in survival mode

But this won't work now the way it once did

'Cause I want to decide between survival and bliss

And though I know who I'm not I still don't know who I am

But I know I won't keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was defenseless

And parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was a kid

And parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend

end