Night Of Revelations

by Morgana

Fandom: The Sentinel

Rating: PG-13

Pairings: Jim/Blair

Summary: Set during the episode Nightshift. Smallwood decides to keep Blair as his hostage and Jim finds out something about his friend's dissertation that shocks him.

Warning: Alternate Universe

Disclaimer: The Sentinel is a creation by Danny Bilson and Paul DeMeo and belongs to Paramount Pictures, Pet Fly Productions & UPN.

NIGHT OF REVELATIONS

by Morgana

I call it a violation of friendship and trust.

Jim's words continued to echo in Blair's head. Why couldn't Jim see that he'd gotten it all wrong? Blair rubbed his brow, feeling tired and defeated. The dissertation wasn't about Jim, his friend. The dissertation was about Jim Ellison, the Sentinel. He'd tried hard to stay objective, maybe too hard? Had he read things into Jim's behavioral pattern that had never been there?

A violation of friendship and trust. The dissertation would destroy the tight friendship that had formed between them, Blair just knew it. I always feared that publishing the dissertation would cause problems between us, but I hoped that our friendship would see us through. Man, this is so wrong!

"Hey, Sandburg." Rafe placed a tuna sandwich on his tray. Blair was handing out food in the break room and he'd sought out the anthropologist for two reasons. For the last few hours Jim had been acting like a jerk and it was like the old Ellison had made his comeback. His second reason for coming here was that he was worried. The sparkle that usually shone from Blair's blue eyes was gone.

"Hey, Rafe, what's up, man?" Blair forced a smile onto his face.

"What did you do to Ellison, Sandburg? He's obnoxious! Impossible to be around with!"

Blair shrugged his shoulders. "He's in a bad mood, alright. I suggest you stay away from him. He'll be fine in a few days."

"Don't let him take it out on you," Rafe said in a sympathetic tone. "He's a grumpy bastard right now."

"Don't worry, I can handle Jim." Blair waved Rafe's concern away, but didn't feel that confident at all. Their friendship was beginning to shatter and he doubted it would survive now that Jim's fear based responses had taken over.

Rafe wished he had more time to talk to the anthropologist, but the PD was a madhouse right now. "Be seeing you, Sandburg."

"Yeah, sure, Rafe," Blair whispered. "Like Jim will want me to stick around after this is over." Blair's heart picked up speed when Jim headed over to the break room. Control... control your heartbeat! The Sentinel could read his heartbeat like an open book. Jim picked up the chicken sandwich and Blair recalled that some of the homeless people had gotten a stomach ache after eating it. "Uh... I'd probably stick to the tuna if I were you."

Jim appreciated the advise and placed the tuna sandwich on his tray. He'd rehearsed his apology on his way over here. It'd taken him some time to realize that he'd hurt Blair's feelings. "All right. Look, Chief, uh... you know, uh, I... maybe I... maybe I overreacted." He hated the way he stuttered. Damn, his conscience was acting up and a tiny voice in the back of his head was calling him a coward and a dumb fuck.

"Maybe?" Blair questioned indignantly. Jim owed him one fat apology for the way he'd acted earlier.

"I know I shouldn't have read your dissertation, and I'm sorry for any transgressions, but I'm... you know, I thought we were friends." Jim peeked at Blair's eyes, wondering why he felt like a bully. Maybe he should have left the dissertation alone, but he felt like Blair had betrayed his trust. Sandburg had even talked to Carolyn and concluded that he had a fear of intimacy, which he hadn't! He wasn't afraid of intimacy! In the end, he gave up trying to convince himself that Blair was wrong.

"Right." Blair knew how hard it was for Jim to put his feelings into words, but this time he needed to hear them. The fact that Jim had called the dissertation a violation of friendship and trust stung deeply.

"It doesn't read that way to me," Jim admitted in a tiny tone. Their friendship was probably the most important thing in the world to him and he'd only realized that when he'd felt betrayed while reading the chapter.

Blair felt tired, but made an effort to explain his conclusions to the Sentinel. However, he feared that Jim would choose not to understand his explanation. "Jim, I said that most of your life choices are fear-based. It's not as bad as it sounds."

Then Jim blurted out, "Are you kidding me? It makes me sound like a coward." And he wasn't a coward! Blair should know that! He'd saved Sandburg's ass more times than he could count!

Exasperated, Blair tried again and signaled Jim to lean in closer. "Well, that's the way you read it. Come here." Blair lowered his voice so no one would hear them. "You chose to be a sentinel. And the way that you deal with your fears, all of them, is based on that choice. Fear can be one of your greatest allies. Now, you can choose to bottle it up inside or we can work on it." But he already read the answer in Jim's eyes. The Sentinel was determined to keep it all inside. Accepting defeat, Blair sighed. Yeah, their friendship was beyond repair. After this fiasco Jim would never fully trust him again.

"After this?"

"So, what do you want to do? Just want to call it quits?" Blair knew he'd come to the right conclusion. Jim was throwing it all away because he was afraid of what might happen, what he might read in the next chapters. Jim looked away and Blair accepted the blame like he always did to protect his Sentinel. "Ah, maybe you're right. Maybe I've, uh..." Blair searched for an acceptable excuse. "...lost my objectivity. I'll tell you what... I'd rather just be friends. So why don't I go destroy my notes? How about that?"

Resigned, Blair left the rest room. He'd seek out his notes, destroy them and then erase all the files on his laptop. Not a single trace would remain of his research on Sentinels. Destroying his research would probably kill him, but he didn't want to lose the little friendship they'd left. He couldn't turn his back on the man he loved just to get his dissertation published. In the end, he decided that staying close to Jim Ellison was way more important than publishing his research. "Oh man," he whispered brokenly. "The things you do for love."

"You didn't answer him. What good does it do for a man to have ears that will hear a thousand miles if he cannot listen to the whispers of his own heart?"

Hearing Gabe's unexpected voice startled Jim. "What?" How had the man managed to sneak up on him? His sense of hearing should have warned him! Maybe he'd been too focused on Blair. The look that Gabe gave him turned his skin into goose flesh. Only then he realized what Gabe had said, 'hear a thousand miles.' Did the man know that he was a Sentinel? Had Blair told Gabe? No, Jim immediately dismissed that idea. Blair would never willingly betray his secret.

"You should begin by listening to the hearts of others," Gabe said, staring straight into Jim's eyes.

Jim stared back at Gabe, who'd begun to chant in Aramaic. For one moment, Gabe had appeared completely lucid and focused, but the chanting reminded Jim that he was talking to a madman. He'd better get this sandwich to Johnny, who was probably hungry.

Gabe briefly stopped chanting as he stared at the Sentinel's retreating back. How many times had the beating of Sandburg's heart pulled Ellison from a zone? It happened subconsciously; Ellison tuning into his guide's heartbeat... if only the Sentinel would listen to the words that accompanied Blair's heartbeat!

Blair had just stepped into the hall when Johnny ran passed him. Horrified, Blair watched as Smallwood pulled the trigger. He didn't stop to think, acting instinctively he jumped up behind the hit man and knocked the man's arm off-balance.

Blair's eyes grew big, seeing Gabe, who'd shielded Johnny with his own body, go down. Luckily, Rafe was there too and pulled Johnny down, protecting the kid. Everything seemed to happen in slow motion and Smallwood pulled him down. The assassin tried to grab his gun, which Blair had knocked out of his hand, but Blair managed to prevent that. Suddenly Smallwood's strong arms sneaked around his neck, trapping him in a tight headlock. Locking eyes with Jim, he tried to stay in control of his fear. Smallwood could snap his neck within a heartbeat and he had to play along if he wanted to survive.

Jim pointed his gun at Smallwood, inwardly enraged that the man dared to threaten his partner. Then fear snuck in. If he made the wrong decision, Blair would die.

"Back off! Don't shoot or I'll snap! Don't shoot!" Smallwood called out and tightened his hold on Blair.

Blair prayed to whatever deity was listening that Smallwood wouldn't snap his neck. He wasn't ready to die yet! His eyes remained locked on Jim, mutely begging the Sentinel not to let him die like this.

Jim put away his gun as Smallwood backed up with Blair. The young anthropologist was still alive and Jim planned on keeping it that way. He wouldn't do anything that might endanger Blair's life. Let him go, Jim prayed privately, but as Smallwood ducked into the stairwell, he took Blair with him. The last thing he saw were Blair's big eyes, bordering on the brink of panic.

Blair barely suppressed a pain filled groan as Smallwood used his hair to drag him along. One arm was still tightly locked around his throat and he had a hard time drawing his next breath. "Come on, man..." Blair panted. "You don't wanna do this."

"You're my ticket out," Smallwood stated determinedly. "I'm not letting you go!'

Fuck! He's serious! Blair almost stumbled over his own two feet when Smallwood dragged him onto the roof. "Lemme go, man. You're on the roof of the PD. There's no way out!"

"I'll tell them to fly in a chopper," Smallwood replied and briefly cut off his hostage's air supply to emphasize that he was in charge. "Now shut up!"

Struggling for oxygen, Blair decided to remain quiet... for now. He knew for sure that Jim was already on his way to take Smallwood out. He just had to hold on a little longer.

Jim ran upstairs and stepped onto the roof as well. Focusing his senses, he located Blair's spiking heartbeat. "Let him go," Jim said as he aimed his gun at Smallwood. Seeing the fear and trust in Blair's eyes was a remarkable sight. Blair was afraid that Smallwood would kill him, but trusted him to prevent it from happening. Right there and then, he realized how strong their connection was. He could no longer imagine a life without Blair beside him.

"I don't think so." Smallwood felt victorious. "Kick the gun over here. Do it, or I'll snap his neck!"

Smallwood applied more pressure to Blair's neck and the younger man's groan made Jim comply. He put the gun down and kicked it over to Smallwood, who immediately picked it up.

"I can't believe you did that!" Blair panted, breathlessly.

"Sorry, chief, but I can't take the risk that he snaps your neck," Jim explained in a soft tone. But he had another reason for obeying Smallwood's demand. In the dark, behind Smallwood, he caught the contours of the runaway alligator. He only had to wait until the animal made its move.

"You thwarted my plans, Ellison," Smallwood whispered embittered. "I'm going to take both of you out!" He raised Ellison's gun and aimed it at the cop. "Say good-bye!"

The alligator chose that moment to make its move and lunged forward.

Smallwood cried out in pain as sharp teeth buried itself into his left leg. His finger curled around the trigger and the bullet left the barrel.

Blair, who'd managed to free himself from the headlock, never wavered and threw himself in front of Jim.

"NO!" Jim screamed. Petrified, he watched how the bullet found its way into Blair's shoulder. "Damn it, Chief!" Jim forced himself to move and caught Blair's body before it hit the roof. Taggart, Rafe, Megan and Simon had also reached the roof and they took care of Smallwood and the alligator.

"You shouldn't have done that, Blair," Jim whispered, shocked. He cradled Blair's head in his hands and pulled the younger man's body close to his. He'd only once before held Blair like this and that had been when the anthropologist had been high on Golden.

"Hey," Blair whispered in a shaky tone. "It's about friendship... isn't it? I want you to know that I'm still your friend..." Blair fought the pain, but failed. He was about to pass out. "Want you to know that you...can trust me." Those last three words were mere whispers as he lost consciousness.

"Medics! I need medics over here!" Jim called out, almost sobbing as he held Blair's motionless body. He tried to stop the bleeding, but his partner was quickly losing a large amount of blood.

"Jim?" Simon sat on his heels next to Jim. His face briefly contorted, seeing the blood beneath Blair's body. "Let the paramedics take care of him." Gently, he pried Jim's hands off Blair's body. Immediately, the medics moved in and tried to assess the damage. "Let's go to the hospital. I'll drive." He pulled Jim away from Blair. "Jim?" Shit, was Ellison zoning? The Sentinel didn't react to his voice. Worried, he caught Jim's gaze.

"I'm not zoning, Simon," Jim said quickly. "I just don't want to leave him alone."

"He's in the best hands." Simon watched as the medics worked on Blair. They hooked the anthropologist up to an IV and tried to stop the bleeding. "Blair will be fine." Simon steered Jim to the stairwell. "Let's go to Cascade General, Jim."

"The things I said to him," Jim mumbled, distressed. Empty eyed, he watched as the paramedics secured Blair to a gurney. He stayed a few steps behind them as they carried the injured observer downstairs. He'd acted like an asshole and he desperately wanted to tell Blair that they would always be friends, that he would always trust him. Would he get the chance to tell Blair how much he regretted his harsh words? He prayed Blair would survive.

Jim sat at Blair's bed and refused to leave. Not even Simon had managed to change his mind. He had claimed Blair's right hand some time ago and absentmindedly rubbed it. Blair had taken the bullet that had been meant for him. How could he have ever doubted his partner's dedication and honesty? When he'd said that he considered the dissertation a violation of friendship and trust he'd been so wrong! Blair had only been recording his observations, the truth, and couldn't help it that he didn't like to look his demons in the eyes.

Blair had been right about his fear of intimacy, and yes, sex and intimacy were two different things. Blair had been right about that too. During the last three years he'd had sex with several women, but had always maintained his emotional distance. Damn, Blair had been watching him all that time!

"Jim?" Trying not to wake Sandburg, Simon cautiously entered the room. As he looked at the observer, he released a troubled sigh. Although Sandburg's condition was stable, the young man would be in a lot of pain once he woke up. "Joel found this is the waste basket." Simon straddled a chair and noticed Ellison's shocked expression.

Jim stared at the shredded paper on his lap. "Blair's dissertation," he whispered in a pained tone. "He said he'd destroy his notes. I never thought that he'd actually do it."

"That's how much he loves you, Jim," Simon said in a saddened tone. "He'd destroy his career for you."

Jim couldn't hold back his tears and they dripped from his face. "I never wanted him to destroy the dissertation." Stupid fear based decisions!

"Do you think he also erased his files on the laptop?" Simon asked, worried. Blair Sandburg had worked on that dissertation for three years! It was his life.

"I hope not." His voice trembled and he clutched Blair's hand harder. "Chief, why did you do it?" Suddenly, Gabe's words made sense. When he looked at Blair's actions, he saw the truth. Blair cared a lot for him, maybe even loved him. Even Simon had just pointed out to him that Blair loved him enough to destroy his notes... Suddenly, he realized that he was holding the last piece of the puzzle in his hands. Blair's in love with me... has been in love with me for how long?

A soft moan drew Simon and Jim's attention and the Sentinel leaned in closer. "That's it, Chief, wake up. Open those baby blues."

"Man... hurts," Blair managed to choke out. "Shoulder... burns..." Finally, his eyes slowly opened. "Oh man... not the hospital... not again!" He tried to sit upright, but froze as the pain cut through his shoulder. "What happened?"

Jim was about to answer when he heard Blair's sharp intake of breath. "You remember what happened, don't you? What the hell were you thinking, getting into the line of fire? You could have been killed!"

"But you would have survived," Blair pointed out and pressed deeper into the comfort of the mattress. "Couldn't let you die thinking that you couldn't trust me," Blair admitted in a tiny tone.

Jim flinched. "I'm sorry, Chief. I should never have said that. I was way out of line. I trust you with my life."

Blair smiled weakly. Had he been forgiven? "It's okay, man. I understand."

"No, you don't." Jim sighed. "Why did you do this?" He showed Blair the shredded dissertation.

"You never answered me," Blair said defensively. "You didn't stop me when I went to destroy my notes. Jim, can we do this later?" Growing tired, his eyes started to close again.

"Do you have some sort of back up for the notes?" Jim rubbed Blair's knuckles gently. "Tell me you've got a copy somewhere."

"No, I destroyed everything..." Blair whispered as he drifted off to sleep. "Erased all files... your secret's safe now..."

"Damn!" Jim cursed loudly. "Blair!"

"The kid's asleep. Let him rest." Simon placed a reassuring hand on Jim's shoulder. "There's nothing you can do to help."

"He destroyed everything!" Jim exclaimed in disbelief. "His entire work, his notes, his research, all gone because I... because I was afraid I would lose him."

"Lose him?" Simon gently pulled Jim to his feet and nudged him toward the doorway. Jim had to eat and drink something. He'd been here for four hours now. "Why did you think you'd lose him?"

"His dissertation. When I read it, I didn't recognize us in it. It was cold, clinical." Jim accepted the coffee that Simon handed him.

"Jim, he had to remain objective. It's his dissertation, scientific research!" Simon berated him. "Jim, you just said 'us'."

"Huh?" Sipping his coffee, Jim stared at Simon.

"You said that you didn't recognize 'us' in his dissertation," Simon reminded him.

"Blair calls it fear based decisions. I'm so scared that everything will fall apart that I make sure that it does. Self-fulfilling prophecy, Simon. I pushed him away when I got scared that I'd lose him."

"So, why do you need him in your life? Is it just because he helps you to control your senses?" Simon hoped that Jim would finally admit the truth to himself.

"No, it's more than that and you know it," Jim chided his friend and superior. "I just never had the guts to admit that I'm in love with him... until now."

Pleased, Simon nodded his head. "Jim, whole Major Crime knows that you're in love with your partner. You did a bad job at hiding it."

Jim grinned. "And they didn't freak out?"

"Joel thinks it's cute, the way you follow Sandburg around with your puppy dog's eyes." Simon got to his feet. His work here was done for now. "Want me to arrange for a ride home later? You can't stay here all night."

"I'm not leaving his side, Simon." Jim rose from the chair and returned to Blair's room. He smiled warmly, seeing the anthropologist soundly asleep in the bed. Yes, he loved Blair Sandburg!

Blair woke several hours later because his throat felt like sand paper. Man, there had to be a way to get something to drink in here! His hand moved to search for the buzzer when he realized that someone's fingers were twined with his. Against all odds, he hoped it was Jim, who was holding his hand. The Sentinel had been here when he'd first woken up.

Looking about, he realized that the curtains had been drawn. The room was dark and he could barely make out the man sitting in the chair next to him. Yes, it was Jim! Then he caught sight of his shredded dissertation. Did he regret destroying his life work? No. Did he regret ever having to destroy it in the first place? Yes. He'd hoped Jim would have put his faith in him. But no, the Sentinel had panicked.

And he, fool he'd been, had tried to make things right by shredding his research. So where did that leave them? Did Jim trust him or not? "I'm sorry," he whispered softly. The sleeping Sentinel didn't stir. "I should never have pursued my thesis. You know, you're way more important than any dissertation."

"I know that, Chief."

Blair's heart missed a beat, hearing Jim's voice. "I thought you were asleep."

"I was, but your voice woke me," Jim admitted and pulled his chair closer to Blair's bed. "How are you feeling, Chief?"

"Okay, I guess," Blair said eventually. "It's weird, but I'm not in that much pain."

"They hooked you up to some pain meds," Jim explained and pointed at the IV that disappeared in to the back of Blair's hand.

"Blair... I wished you hadn't destroyed your dissertation."

"I had to prove to you that you could trust me." Blair slowly moved into a more comfortable position. His shoulder throbbed, but he still felt comfortable. "What are you still doing here, Jim? Go home and get some sleep, man."

Jim smiled at hearing that word; home. Yes, the loft was their home. Why had he never admitted that to himself before? "I will, once you can accompany me. I'm not leaving you alone here. Who knows what insane maniac is waiting out there to get his hands on you. Trouble is your middle name, Chief."

"Thanks, man," Blair said honestly and squeezed Jim's hand. "Tthose pain meds are making me sleepy."

"That's okay. Go back to sleep then." Jim watched how Blair's eyes closed and he felt like a terrible coward. It had been the perfect moment to tell Blair about his feelings. Raising Blair's hand to his lips, Jim mumbled, "I love you, Blair."

A sleepy grin surfaced on Blair's face. "Love you too, Jim," he whispered in his sleep and briefly caressed Jim's fingers. "Love you too."

The end