Title: Conner's Quiz 5

The Last Thing Any Man Or Woman Would Say.

Author/pseudonym: Patt

Email address: PattRose1@aol.comPattRose1@aol.com

Rating: R

Pairings: Bullpen survey, humor.

Status: Complete

Date: 04-06-01

Archive: Yes

Series/Sequel: Conner's Quiz Series

Category: Bullpen Humor

Author's website: http://p-patt.tripod.com/dreamingofsentinels/

Disclaimer: Borrowed, I'll return them when I'm done.

Notes: Blame Mary, she's offline for the time being and I'm insane without her. Boo Hoo. Thanks to SusanDanette for giving me ideas. Blame her too. She keeps incouraging me. What could I do? I have no self-control. Sob, sob, sob. That's me crying, not saying son-of-a-bitch.

Summary: The Last Thing Any Man or Woman Would Say! Another Survey that the guys need to help Conner with.

Warnings: m/m Bad language Silliness abounds. My Beta is away right now, so you'll have to make due. I miss you, Mary. :(



Conner's Quiz 5: THE LAST THING ANY MAN WOULD EVER SAY
By Patt


Conner: I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
Joel: Hey, I think Barry Manilow has a lovely voice.
Simon: Joel, I'm going to have you reprogrammed.
Joel: Doesn't anyone else like him?
Jim: Joel, Blair doesn't even like him.
Blair: Hey, what do you mean by that?
Jim: I mean, you'll listen to just about anything and you don't listen to him, so that's bad.
Rafe: I don't' mind him.
Joel: Oh god, I do need to be reprogrammed.
Rafe: Why are you insulting me, Joel? I'm agreeing with you.
Brown: Okay, I have to say that I think you're all nuts. Now someone want to tell me who Barry Manilow is. Hey Ellison, stop throwing things at me.
Blair: Good one, Brown.



Conner: While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
Blair: Well Jim says that to me, all the time.
Jim: You say it to me, too.
Blair: I guess I do.
Rafe: Jesus, the wuss puss's are back in force and we just started.
Brown: Wait a minute. I don't understand why this would make them wusses.
Rafe: Because if you're a real man, you'll get up and get your own drink.
Simon: Now, Brian, did you read this in some, Real Men book?
Rafe: Simon, laugh all you want, but it's true. Real men, don't ask another man if they'd like something while they're up.
Joel: Well, I ask this of anyone that comes into my home, and I consider myself a real man, Rafe.
Rafe: Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but since you've been hanging out with Blair and Jim, you've been acting less and less like a real man.
Jim: Rafe, I can't believe you're saying that to Joel. Say it to me if you want, but not Joel.
Joel: Jim, don't worry about me. Real men can fight their own battles. So we're all on our own.
Blair: Hey, I like that, Joel.
Simon: I would ask someone if they wanted something while I was up.
Rafe: God, Simon, even you are turning into a wuss.
Simon: Do I have to remind you again, who the boss is, Rafe?
Rafe: Simon, you can't keep threatening me with that. It's just not right.
Simon: Well, real men can take it.
Jim: (high five-ing Simon) Good one, Simon.
Simon: I don't get paid those mediocre bucks for nothing.



Conner: I think hairy butts are really sexy.
Simon: All right, Conner, why in the hell would that be in the survey?
Conner: Simon, why not? The whole idea is things you wouldn't say.
Blair: Well some of us might thing they're sexy.
Simon: Conner, I'm going to make you pay for this, and pay for it big time.
Conner: Simon, who would know that Blair would answer it with that?
Blair: Well, it's the truth. Haven't you ever seen a movie and thought, god, that guy has a nice ass?
Joel: Not that I remember.
Brown: I would remember. No, I've never said that, or thought it.
Rafe: God, I can't believe we're only three questions into this and already Blair's talking about Jim's ass.
Jim: I'll have you know, he's not talking about mine.
Simon: Well, Ellison, you're taking that really well then.
Blair: Well of course he is because...
Jim: Shut up, Blair.
Simon: Excuse me, Jim, but I think this is a free country. He's allowed to talk if he wants to.
Jim: Not if he wants to go home with me, Simon.
Blair: Are you threatening me? Like you could withhold sex for any length of time. He's a slut.
Jim: Blair, I'm warning you, shut up.
Rafe: So tell us Hairboy, why wouldn't you have been talking about Jim's ass before?
Blair: Cuz.
Jim: I swear, Sandburg, I'll stop talking to you.
Blair: Fine. I was kidding.
Rafe: Holy Shit. I bet Ellison shaves his ass all nice and smooth. Is that it, Ellison?
Jim: Shut up, Rafe.
Brown: Well, that's nothing to be ashamed of. I shave mine.
Rafe: What the fuck are you talking about, Brown?
Brown: I don't know. What was the question?
Rafe: Why would you say you shaved your ass?
Brown: Because I do, what's wrong with that. Geeze, I thought most men did. The hair gets in the way.
Blair: (Thud...) Well Brown, you've gone and said something so easily that Jim should have been able to say.
Brown: Jim, I think it's fine to do it.
Jim: Why are we discussing my and Brown's butt hair?
Blair: Because it's so fucking fascinating.
Jim: Well, why don't you tell them about your's then?
Blair: Fine, I shave mine too.
Joel: Is it uncomfortable when it grows back in?
Simon: I can't believe we're discussing this crap.
Jim: Joel, I keep my shaved, so it never really grows back in, if you get my drift.
Joel: And this is comfortable for you?
Brown: Hell yes, I think it's one of the best things I ever did. I wouldn't go without shaving now.
Rafe: God, you're all turning into wusses. God, I can't believe I ever listen to this shit.
Simon: Conner, could we move on before we're forced to hear anything else personal about each other?



Conner: Her tits are just too big.
Joel: This is something I've never said, or thought.
Conner: Well that's the whole point, Joel. They say that men wouldn't be caught saying it for anything, because to you, tits are never too big.
Simon: Conner, need I remind you that we shouldn't be talking about this stuff?
Conner: It's part of the survey, sir.
Joel: Okay, then I have looked at a woman once and said, she might fall over if she doesn't get help standing up. And it turned me off.
Rafe: God, you're an official wuss, Joel. I'll bring badges and awards next week.
Joel: Well, I don't believe that women need huge breasts.
Jim: I don't believe it either.
Blair: I used to like them. Oh hell, who am I kidding, I still wouldn't say it.
Jim: You're still looking.
Simon: Jim stop right now. Blair can say something without it being a personal attack on you. So, get a grip.
Jim: Fine.
Brown: I've never said it, never thought it and I believe that a woman's breasts should not come into the matter of choosing if they're a good date or not.
Joel: Good answer, Brown.
Rafe: You're all wusses.
Jim: So what is your answer, hot shot?
Rafe: The bigger the better. So , no I wouldn't have said a word.
Conner: You are such a creep, Rafe.
Simon: Okay, I see this going downhill, Conner. Could we move now?



Conner: Sometimes I just want to be held.
Jim: Shut up, Sandburg.
Blair: I wasn't going to say a fucking word, big man.
Joel: Hell I think and say this.
Rafe: Simon, you have to keep him away from them.
Jim: Rafe, you've never wanted to be held?
Rafe: I didn't say that.
Jim: Yes, you just did.
Rafe: I just wouldn't say it out loud.
Blair: Rafe, you're saying that you would love to be held, but wouldn't want to ask her to hold you?
Rafe: Yeah, that's it.
Jim: Man, that's sad.
Joel: That is sad.
Conner: I think the woman is lucky.
Rafe: Fuck you, Conner.
Simon: Okay moving this along.
Jim: Wait, we didn't all answer.
Simon: Yes, I've felt this and asked it too. And if you call me a wuss, Rafe, I'm going to pop you one right in your mouth.
Rafe: Conner, when you started this, did you know that it was going to be like a form of abuse for Simon to use against all of us?
Conner: Rafe, I think you are the wuss. The other guys are real men, you're the fucking wuss.
Brown: Okay, my turn. I love to be held, Rafe. Does this make me a wuss.
Rafe: Do you say, Sometimes I just want to be held?
Brown: No, they just hold me, I don't have to tell or ask.
Rafe: Then it's fine. You're not a wuss unless you bring it up.
Simon: Rafe, I'm going to knock your block off in about ten seconds.
Jim: Simon, it's not worth it. I take it you've asked to be held on occasion?
Simon: Well hell I thought we all did. I guess I was wrong.
Blair: Well, I think that if you're in tune with your partner, you shouldn't have to ask or say. It should be second nature.
Conner: So, Sandy, you know when Jim needs to be held.
Blair: Yeah, Conner, I do.
Conner: That is so fucking great. I wish I had someone like that.
Joel: Me too.
Simon: Me three.
Brown: Actually I have someone right now, that does hold me rather nicely.
Simon: Could we move on? I'm depressed.



Conner: That chick on Murder, She Wrote gives me a woody.
Jim: (choke...choke...choke...)
Blair: Jim, you okay?
Jim: Conner, where in the hell are you getting these questions?
Conner: From my teacher. He posts them daily and we get to take our choices. Now anyone want to answer this one.
Jim: Jesus, I would die if I got a woody from her. Not that she isn't a nice woman, I'm sure she is. But shit. She could be my Mom. Or my Gramma.
Blair: Well actually...
Rafe: Oh give me a break.
Blair: Did you ever see her in movies when she was young? She was gorgeous. She could give me a woody.
Conner: Now that is the nicest thing I've ever heard. She might not do it now, but you still remember how she looked. That's so sweet.
Brown: Then why is Ellison pissed off?
Jim: I'm not pissed off.
Blair: Jim, it was just an example.
Jim: I guess I didn't realize that you were still watching women.
Blair: Jim, we're talking about Angela L. here. Get a grip.
Jim: Forget it.
Conner: Jim, you have some major insecurity issues. You really need some work on them.
Jim: fuck you, Conner.
Conner: Whatever works, big man.
Blair: Whoa. Back up. He's my big man, not yours.
Joel: Now I think that's the first time I've ever seen Sandburg get pissed off at Conner.
Conner: Sandy, I'm sorry. I was joking.
Jim: Chief, thanks.
Blair: For what?
Jim: For loving me.
Conner: OH shit, this romance stuff is killing me.
Brown: You're too cute for words.
Rafe: No, there are words. They're called wuss pusses.
Jim: Shut up Rafe, you're ruining the moment.
Simon: Could we move on, while we're all still relatively young?



Conner: Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
Joel: Well, actually, I do say and think this. It's that age of safety.
Jim: Yeah, been there, done that.
Joel: So you and Blair still practice safe sex?
Simon: Whoa. Whoa. Back this up. We're not going to even go there. Do not, I repeat, do not answer that, Ellison.
Jim: Okay.
Joel: Tell me later on Jim, okay?
Jim: Sure.
Conner: Well, now we all want to know. Tell us Sandy.
Blair: No, I think we really should move on to something else.
Rafe: Good thinking, Sandburg. For once you answered like a real man.
Blair: Rafe, if you don't stop making the real man jokes, I'm going to real man something up your ass.
Rafe: Well, that's really a great thought, Sandburg. How would Ellison feel about that, eh?
Jim: Blair, I'm going to have to kick his ass.
Blair: Jim, you won't have to, I'm going to do it for you. Rafe, you're being an asshole.
Rafe: Sorry. Really I am.
Jim: Yeah, right.
Rafe: I am.
Simon: Well, I just want to move on.
Jim: Well we need to answer the question sir.
Simon: Yes, I practice safe sex, so think and say it all the time.
Conner: I'm shocked that you all take it so seriously. Sandy, why the odd look?
Blair: No reason. Just wondering what everyone thinks about wearing gloves when you're with your mate, partner, wife or husband.
Conner: Well, I for one, wouldn't want to have to use a condom for him if we were monogamous.
Rafe: But how do you know that the person is monogamous?
Brown: That's what scares me?
Joel: It's all pretty scary these days. Well, Jim and Blair are the only ones in a steady relationship. How do you two feel about it.
Jim: I think you should be able to go bareback if you trust the person enough.
Blair: And what if that person isn't always trustworthy?
Jim: Sandburg?
Blair: Shit, I don't mean, us big man. I'm talking about people in general.
Jim: Why not scare the shit out of me.
Simon: But see Jim, this is the whole point. What if Blair was sleeping with someone else right now and you didn't know?
Jim: I'd know.
Simon: You're missing the point, Jim.
Jim: No, I'm not I trust Blair and he trusts me. Right, Chief?
Blair: Right....
Jim: Wait a minute. You don't trust me?
Simon: Conner could we please move on, I beg you. That's an order in fact.
Blair: We'll talk later on, Jim.
Jim: No, we'll talk now.
Simon: Jim, I think with us here it might not be the time and place.
Blair: Fine, I think that sometimes I don't trust you.
Jim: What the fuck are you talking about?
Blair: Sometimes I watch you while you're watching old dates, and you have a look of loss on your face. So, I guess I've always believed that you might have to go elsewhere to make you happy all the time.
Jim: I don't fucking believe you thought that. Chief, I've been with no one but you since we've been together. How long have you felt this way?
Blair: Since the start. Sorry Jim.
Simon: This is why you should have been more careful, Blair. If you believed he was sleeping with someone else, shouldn't you have taken more precautions?
Blair: I guess so. Jim, I'm really sorry.
Jim: We'll talk about it later on.
Simon: Conner could we move on NOW?



Conner: Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Aly McBeal.
Joel: Man, I don't see me saying this.
Jim: I would never say this.
Blair: Jim, we like Aly Mcbeal.
Jim: But they didn't know that, Blair.
Blair: Oops, sorry.
Simon: I like the show. That Black woman DA is hot.
Joel: I like that show too.
Brown: I like all the music, it's usually pretty good.
Simon: I agree, it almost makes me want to jump up and dance sometimes.
Rafe: I swear, you are all weird. I hate that show. It reminds me of lawyers coming from that old show 30 Something. Bunch of whiners.
Jim: Rafe is there anything you do like?
Rafe: Yeah, I love Monday night football. Don't you?
Jim: Yeah, but I like other things too.
Blair: Rafe, have you ever seen Aly Mcbeal?
Rafe: No, why should I? I watch football.
Simon: Well what do you watch when the season ends?
Rafe: HBO
Simon: Give Aly a try, you might like it.
Brown: There are some hot women on it, Bri.
Rafe: Oh like that Aly chic, who looks like she's been starved to death.
Blair: Now on that we will no doubt agree. God, she looks bad. Sickly thin. I hate that in a woman.
Jim: Chief, why would you like anything in a woman, now?
Blair: Jim, I'm not dead.
Jim: So you're still looking.
Blair: Looking is one thing. Wanting is another. I only want one person and I have him.
Jim: God, you kiss ass with the best of them, Sandburg.
Simon: Conner, please tell me we're done.
Conner: almost sir.


Conner: I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask directions.
Joel: Well, I for one would pull over and ask for directions if I was really lost. Wouldn't any of you?
Jim: Nope, I'd sooner die.
Blair: You are so full of shit. He pulls over and has me jump out and get the directions. Mr. Macho doesn't like to be lost either.
Jim: Shut up, Sandburg.
Blair: You shut up, Ellison.
Simon: Well, it wouldn't bother me to ask for help.
Rafe: God, don't you guys know how to read maps?
Brown: Well, if we knew how to read a map and were still lost, we'd be doing it wrong. Don't you think?
Rafe: God, I'm surrounded by losers.
Blair: Fuck you, Rafe.
Rafe: Not even on your best day.
Jim: Why would he bother?
Blair: Good one, Jim.
Simon: Are we about done here, Conner?
Conner: Well, there is one small part left. It's about women. I'm going to answer the questions and you're going to tell me if you agree with me or not. What do you think?
Simon: Fine, but could we hurry it up? I'm bored. I want to go home.
Blair: Hey, you're the one that said we should stand behind her trying to better her education.
Conner: Thank you, Sandy.
Blair: You're welcome, Conner.
Conner: Jim, would you read these questions for me? And then you guys can tell me if I'm right or not.
Jim: Sure. Hand it here.




Conner's Quiz 5: THE LAST THING ANY WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY
By Patt


Jim: Could our relationship be more Physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
Conner: I could and do say this all the time. I like sex.
Joel: Conner did you ask me a few nights ago for my phone number.
Conner: Cute Joel.
Simon: This isn't true. Conner, if we said that to you, you'd be pissed off.
Conner: The question was to me. Would I say it? I would.
Rafe: I for one find it refreshing that you feel this way. Want to go for coffee after this?
Conner: Not if my life depended on it.
Brown: I think it's great that you're that open that you could say or think this.


Jim: Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
(choke...choke...choke..)
Conner: Settle down Ellison, it's just a survey. I would never say this.
Blair: I'd like to say something but won't.
Jim: Good.
Rafe: Why do women do that anyhow?
Blair: Because I knew that Rafe would ask it.
Conner: Why are you asking me. They're dangerous. I only do healthy things. That's not.
Brown: I'm not saying a word.
Joel: I'm not either.
Simon: God, it can't get much worse than this, right?


Jim: (giggling) I think hairy butts are really sexy.
Conner: (giggling) Yeah, I might say it. Depends on the butt in question.
Joel: Okay, that's all there is to it, I'm asking you out when I get home.
Conner: Very funny, Joel.
Blair: Somehow I could see you saying this.
Conner: And this is meant as a compliment, right?
Blair: Of course it was.
Simon: I think it's a weird question. I thought it was on the men's one, I think it's even weirder on the women's.
Brown: I like seeing a woman who takes what she wants. Says what she wants and does what she wants. Rafe: You like sluts.
Conner: You calling me a slut?
Rafe: Oh no, I didn't mean you. I meant, what Henry was describing.
Blair: Well, that sounds like a lot of people and they aren't sluts. Oh wait a minute. Yes, he is. Sorry. Can't stick up for either of you.
Jim: Very funny, Chief.
Simon: Next.


Jim: Hey, get a whiff of that one.
Conner: Nope, I would never say this.
Blair: Oh come on, Conner. Where is your sense of adventure?
Brown: Yeah, come on, Conner.
Conner: Fine, I'll say it the next time I go on a date and see what happens.
Joel: I wouldn't advise that, Conner.
Conner: I was joking, Joel.
Joel: Good.
Simon: I'm not even sure what it means, but I want to just move on.
Rafe: Wait, I didn't answer.
Simon: And we care, because?


Jim: Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
Conner: (giggling) No, I can't see myself saying that.
Jim: Me either.
Blair: Jim, you're supposed to be asking not answering.
Jim: I can do both.
Rafe: I think this one is stupid.
Conner: This question? Or this whole survey?
Rafe: This whole part since Ellison has been reading the questions. They're wuss questions. You should just have he and Sandburg answer them.
Simon: Rafe, I don't know how to tell you this ,but you on the verge of pissing me off.
Rafe: Why?
Simon: Why? Why? God, he's stupid on top of everything else.
Rafe: It's not like I don't like Ellison and Sandburg. I do. I just think it sucks that they sleep together.
Blair: Funny you should mention sucking.
Rafe: See what I mean, Simon? This is what I mean.
Simon: What? They do. It's part of life, Rafe. Get over it.
Rafe: What if I can't.
Jim: Maybe we won't be friends anymore.
Rafe; I'll try.


Jim: This diamond is way too big.
Conner: I can tell you right now, that I'm not into big diamonds. I'm not a size queen.
Joel: Geeze, she's sounding better and better isn't she, Simon?
Simon: Better for what?
Joel: For a date, want to go out, Conner?
Rafe: Jesus, don't tell me you have a thing about not being big enough, Joel.
Joel: what are you talking about? I'm talking about the diamond ring.
Rafe: Oh. Sorry Joel.
Simon: I really didn't think this stupid thing could get any more off course, but you just showed me how wrong I was.
Brown: Simon, I agree with you. I'm totally confused.
Conner: Jim could we please move on?


Jim: (giggling) I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
Conner: Oy. I don't think you're going to hear that from me. What do you think, Jim?
Jim: Hey don't pull me into this one.
Blair: I'd say it.
Jim: Blair, you do say it.
Blair: Oh yeah. I do. Hee hee.
Rafe: Okay, now tell me Simon that this didn't bother you.
Simon: Well, I don't want to hear about anyone's sex life. Not just theirs.
Joel: It doesn't bother me in the least.
Brown: Me either. It used to, but I got used to it. Rafe, you act like you have a stick stuck up your ass sometimes. You're so rigid.
Rafe: I swear to god, Henry, you're starting to sound like them.
Simon: Jim could we move on now?


Jim: (On the floor howling) Wow, it really is 14 inches!
Conner: No, I've never said this.
Rafe: What you think you'll never come in contact with someone that large?
Conner: Honestly? No. I wouldn't want to. They'd have to take a trip to farm.
Jim: (Snort...snort...) Jesus Conner, warn a person before they take a drink.
Blair: Hey Jim says this all the time.
Jim: Yeah, but I'm talking about your height, hot shot.
Blair: Oh man that was so funny, I forgot to laugh.
Simon: Do you suppose there really are a lot of guys out there with 14 inch dicks? I mean, that is just disgusting.
Jim: Yeah, I think so too. If there really was someone like this, we should at least be the ones. Right, guys?
Joel: Well, it's not like we measure each other, right?
Jim: Shit, Joel are you saying you have 14 inches?
Joel: No, I never said that.
Conner: Guys, this is my part. You're supposed to just see if I answer right. I don't think you all care about who has a 14 inch dick, do you?
Blair: We might. Depends on who it belongs to.
Rafe: What do you think we should do, measure each other in the locker room tomorrow?
Conner: Guys, I think that we should move on.
Simon: Rafe, you think you'll have something we haven't seen? I've seen you in the locker room. You're no bigger or smaller than the rest of us.
Blair: Rafe, do you think if your dick was larger, you'd be a bigger man? OH shit, I guess you would be. (rolling on the floor laughing at his own joke.)
Rafe: Okay, I'm sorry. I got carried away. Shit, I hate these surveys.


Jim: (Rolling eyes back into his head) I'm wrong, you must be right again.
Conner: Nope can't hear myself saying this ever.
Simon: Good we agree on this one, Conner.
Rafe: I do too.
Blair: Conner, you would admit if you were wrong.
Conner: Maybe to you, Sandy. But not many others.
Jim: I believe you'd rather die than say it.
Conner: You're asking the questions, who wants your opinion?
Blair: I might. I like his opinion.
Joel: Admitting your wrong is hard. I know.
Brown: I would admit if I was wrong.
Rafe: Oh god, you've been hanging with Ellison way too much. He admits he's wrong all the time.
Jim: Only if I was really wrong. What's wrong with that?
Rafe: Nothing Jim. You just keep believing you're a real man.
Blair: Shut the fuck up, Rafe. I'm going to show you real man, while I kick your ass.
Rafe: Jim, is he always this fucking cute?
Simon: All right, sit back down, right now, Jim. Let's move on.


Jim: (snickering) Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
Conner: Yeah, actually I have said this when I wanted to watch a special show or game on the telly.
Blair: I've said this many times.
Rafe: I bet.
Jim: Stop it now, Rafe.
Simon: Hell I don't even want to discuss these anymore.
Joel: I've said and done this many times.
Conner: Excuse me guys, this is about me. Not you.
Rafe: Oh yeah, miss Priss wants this to be about her.
Conner: Rafe, I'm going to kick your fucking ass. I'll show you Miss Priss.
Jim: Conner, at least he's not calling you wuss puss.
Conner: Jim, Miss Priss is the same thing.
Jim: Really? Then I just might help you kick his ass.
Simon: No one is kicking anyone's ass. Stop now.
Brown: I'm getting a stomach ache from you all arguing.
Conner: We'll try and do better, Brown. Poor guy. (Hugs Brown and smiles at him.)


Jim: Well we're done for tonight. Wasn't that just too much fun?
Conner: Jim, you did a really good job. I might have you help me again on the next one.
Jim: Okay. Night everyone.
Brown: See you all in the morning.
Rafe: Brown, you wanna go eat something?
Brown: No, I need to go home.
Rafe: Are you okay?
Brown: I'm not comfortable with you all fighting all the time.
Blair: Night everyone. Brown, try not to take it to heart, okay? If you need me, you know what my number is.
Simon: Go home everyone.
Conner: Night guys, thanks.
Joel: Rafe, I'll go to dinner with you and then we can talk about manners.
Rafe: Nah, I'm not hungry anymore.
Simon: Geeze, it's like being around fucking kids all night long.




END