The Decision

by Athena

athena@fateordestiny.com

Jamie came into the UU Fellowship Room on Thursday night. The fellowship room had two sofas and several old-fashioned cushioned chairs. A middle-aged woman shook Jamie's hand. "Hi, I'm Pam. We spoke on the phone. Welcome to Washington Seaport Gender Benders. Please, sit down."

"Thank you," said Jamie, sitting on the sofa beside her.

"First names only," said Pam.

A dark-skinned woman a bit younger and rounder than Pam said, "She's been on Oprah. She isn't Mrs. Anonymous."

Jamie looked across the room at her. Good eye contact meant you had nothing to hide. "I've been on AM Cascade, too. I called in once and was in the studio once."

Another person said, "I don't watch daytime TV. What did you do to get on Oprah?"

Jamie clutched her purse. "Had a baby."

"There are over six billion people on this planet," said a person with silky black hair that fell to her waist. "I'm Chrissy. That is hardly a reason to go on Oprah."

"I'm a man." Jamie didn't real feel that way most of the time, but it was a biological fact.

"Men don't have babies," said Chrissy. "The doctors can give you a vagina, but it's a hole going nowhere."

"Don't tell my five year old that," said Jamie. "My friend just had a healthy son last week. The hospital treated her like any genetic female. Chrissy, you're years behind the times. My friend was the fourth male-female transsexual to carry a child to term."

"Five years ago, you were the first?" asked a woman in man's clothing. "I'm Kyle, by the way. I work during Oprah."

The woman who saw Oprah said, "Read the transcript or buy the video."

Pam said, "Alisha, one of our rules is we let everyone speak."

Jamie smiled. "I had my fifteen minutes of fame. I came here to listen to other people's stories. Pam, should I tell the group about myself?"

"If you want." Pam said, "This isn't AA. We don't start each sentence with 'Hi, I'm Pam. I'm a recovering alcoholic."

"You are?" asked Alisha.

"Ten years now," Pam said. "I thought if I drank enough the self-hate would go away."

"I lived as a man for thirty-eight years," said Jamie. "How do I deal with people who expect me to be the person I was?"

"You ignore them," said Kyle. "There isn't enough hours in the day for stupid people."

Alisha said, "You can't ignore everyone."

Pam said, "You make new friends. I no longer hang out with my drinking buddies."

"My former boss said that the state of Washington doesn't know what is in my panties," said Jamie. "My father says my marriage is legal because no one would argue a pregnant woman's sex. No one has claimed otherwise. Still my former boss made me feel like a fraud."

"You can't let some idiot ruin your emotional space," said Chrissy.

"How do you do that?" asked Alisha. "I changed jobs when I start living as a woman. My family wasn't very understanding. My dad still calls me Alan."

"Jimmy," said Jamie. "When my father felt the baby kick, he drank three martinis."

"Drinking solves nothing," said Pam.

Kyle said, "This isn't your AA meeting."

"His macho son was a pregnant woman," said Jamie. "He handled it well. He called me a freak for less."

Alisha said, "My dad doesn't call me freak, but he acts like I'm still his son."

Kyle said, "I'm still my mother's little girl. She acts like this is a phase I'm going through."

"My dad knew I wasn't going through a phase," Jamie said. "He insisted my baby's father marry me."

Chrissy said, "I haven't had my surgery, yet. My sister tries to talk me out of it."

"My wife's parents want custody of our children," said a slender woman with long curly hair like Blair's and just as prominent an Adam's apple. "My wife was with me the whole way. Her parents don't think their grandchildren should be raised by perverts."

"That's horrible," said Jamie. "Devin is my life."

"My in-laws think we're setting a bad example for the children," said the slender woman. She had high cheekbones and beautiful brown eyes. "I'm Laura."

"How old are your children?" Jamie asked. Laura couldn't be much older than Blair.

"Five and seven," said Laura.

"Do you still have custody of your children?"

"At this moment," said Laura. "We're their parents, but a judge could side with my in-laws."

"Children need love," said Jamie. "My daughter called me Daddy her first two years. Now I'm Mommy. Children adapt better than adults."

"My in-laws think our children will be confused because their daddy is now a woman," Laura said.

"I grew up with dolls and Barbies," said Kyle. "I took my Barbies apart and climbed trees and played football. Your in-laws are full of shit."

Chrissy said, "They don't have a legal leg to stand on."

"Their lawyer doesn't think that way," Laura said.

"Can I give you a hug?" said Pam.

"Sure," said Laura.

Pam went over to Laura and hugged her. Jamie got up to hug Laura, too. Jamie walked back to her seat. "Laura, maybe, our children can play together."

"Thanks," Laura said in a soft voice.

"I can bring the tape to the next meeting." Jamie started dressing full-time as a woman due to her appearance on Oprah. Those hot lights and studio audience questions helped her realize who she was. A week after the show, she had returned to taking hormones and had her facial hair removed. "It might provoke conversation."

After the meeting was over, Pam went over to Jamie. "No one sees you as a man."

"It's just that I spent thirty-eight years seeing myself one way."

"Why do you think I had a drinking problem?"

"Do you think bringing the video is good idea?"

"Jamie, it's up to you."

"I wore a suit and played hard ass cop."

"Why? If it isn't too personal."

"I wanted to look good for the cameras. I looked like a drag queen on AM Cascade. Dr. Hogan wanted me to show everyone that I was still Cop of the Year." Jamie smiled a bit too brightly. "Propaganda."

"That isn't you."

"I wouldn't be here if it was."

---

Jamie came home to find Blair at the computer. She didn't need to be a sentinel to sneak a kiss off someone reading email. Blair's arm went around Jamie's neck as his mouth and tongue welcomed her. Blair's tasted of garlic. Hummus dip on pitas. Jamie wanted Blair to close the laptop and come upstairs.

"One more letter," said Blair.

Hearing Devin's gentle snores, Jamie sat on the sofa. "We need to talk."

Blair continued typing. "About what?"

"After your letter," said Jamie. "I need your full attention."

Blair typed some more than clicked the mouse. "It's been sent." He shut the computer. "I'm all yours. Did you enjoy your meeting tonight?"

"I'm not a meeting person."

Blair curled up beside Jamie on the sofa. "Did you get any answers?"

"I don't want to stay as I am." Jamie put an arm around Blair. How was she going to tell Blair that after all this time she was going to have the surgery? Blair was going to scream about risking her life. It was her life to risk.

Blair put his head against Jamie's breast. "We all change over time. Do you want to give up police work? Incacha said you only have to a sentinel as long as you want to. If you want to return to being a full-time mom, I'll understand."

"I like solving crimes. I get to taste mud and smell drinks on a daily basis. You can solve a case based on the lipstick on a cup." Jamie said, "Collecting clues at crime scenes is fun. I don't really miss getting shot at."

"Or jumping on moving vehicles?"

"I don't miss that," said Jamie. "I'm not Superman."

"Isabel thought you were. What's the problem?"

Jamie didn't want to hear Blair scream about putting her life in danger, but she had to tell him. "I'm going to have the sexual reassignment surgery."

"You're what?" Blair yelled. "You were told that you could end up shitting out of a bag or with your sensitivities you could die on the operating table. You're perfect the way you are."

"I want to be a complete woman. I want to be able to go to the beach and the pool without shame. I want to look like any other woman."

Blair sat up. "Jamie, you could die."

"I thought about that. My happiness is worth the risk. I've risked my life for strangers hundreds of times. I'm not selfish if I risk my life for me once."

"What about I going to tell Devin if her mommy dies?" said Blair.

"That I loved her very much."

"You're going to do this!"

Jamie took Blair's hand. "I'm going to talk to some doctors tomorrow and contact a therapist who works with clients with gender issues to get the ball rolling."

"Honey, I love you no matter what."

"I know."

"I don't want to lose you."

"I'm your Blessed Protector. I'm supposed to worry about you."

"It goes both ways, hon." Blair kissed Jamie, again. This time he flung both his arms around her back. Jamie put her hand on Blair's butt cheek as she drew him close. She filtered out the garlic, as she tasted Blair's tongue.

"Let's go upstairs, not that making out on the sofa doesn't make me feel like a high school girl." Jamie was getting aroused and wanted to get naked without worrying about Devin sleeping in the little room.

"Most high school girls don't have dicks."

Jamie brushed a hair off of Blair's cheek. "That's why I need the surgery."

"There's a great doctor in Montreal. My mother can watch Devin while we're at the hospital."

"Whoa, Chief. That's a year off. There are guidelines we have to follow. I'm going to invite Steve and Dad to fancy restaurant for dinner and tell them my decision."

"Fancy restaurant." Blair let go Jamie's hand and leaped off her lap. "Good idea. William would never embarrass himself in public. Honey, I stand by all your decisions."

"You aren't happy with my decision."

"I'm selfish. I want you alive and healthy. I understand that you need to see the person on the outside that you feel you're on the inside. I've taken more than my share of psychology classes over the years. When you had your facial hair removed with laser surgery, I knew."

"Thanks, Chief." Jamie walked toward the stairs. "We can talk more in bed."

---

That Saturday, Jamie met Laura and her family in the playground. When Devin ran to the swing set, Blair followed. Devin was learning to pump her legs, but she still needed some helpful pushes. After watching father and daughter at the swings, Jamie walked over to Laura and hugged her. "How are you managing?"

Laura gave Jamie a quick hug back. "We still have the kids."

Jamie put her hands to her sides. "On the day we met, Blair teased me about being touchy-feely."

Laura blushed. "I can use all the hugs I can get."

Laura's two children were playing on the slide and monkey bars. Devin jumped off the swing to join the other two children. The park should be crowded with children. It was jacket weather, but it wasn't rainy which meant it was playground weather. It was still early in the day. The playground didn't get crowded with moms and children until after lunchtime.

Blair sat on the bench near Jamie and kissed her briefly, a chaste public kiss suitable for young children.

"Chief, this is Laura," said Jamie.

"Hi, Laura," said Blair. "Jamie told me about your in-laws. That's a bummer."

"My lawyer says we're the children's parents and it's in the best interest of the children to remain in a stable home environment."

"Your in-laws' lawyer defines stable different than you do," said Blair. "You have wonderful children. The judge should see that you and Corrine are great parents."

"Thanks," said Laura. "We're here to get away from the courtroom. How did you two get together? You seem so different."

"We aren't. I was helping Jamie with a case and we hit it off. We both love camping and the outdoors."

"He loves my cooking," Jamie teased.

Blair teased back, "You had these dumb home rules like matching Tupperware and no flushing after ten o'clock."

Laura looked at Jamie cross-eyed.

"He was only twenty-six when he moved into my house, barely housebroken," Jamie explained although she knew it was a lost cause.

Laura laughed. "Blair does resemble a poodle."

Blair kissed Jamie's cheek. "I'm going to help Corinne with the children. I don't have to sit here and be insulted."

Blair helped Devin off the big kids' slide since there was a slight puddle at the end. A second after Blair put the child down on dry ground, Devin ran back to the swings. Blair helped her onto a swing without too much water underneath.

Laura walked over to him as he pushed. "You're a handsome man. I love your hair. I meant no offense."

"Jamie needs emotional support. You were transsexual all your life. This isn't the same for Jamie. She's very sensitive to chemicals. Dr. Hogan put Jamie on a high level of hormones to prepare her male body for pregnancy. It feminized her brain. Jamie wasn't pretending to be Joe Friday, a gay Joe Friday, but still," Blair explained. "I recall Jamie telling Dr. Hogan that her thinking had changed."

"You're serious?"

"We didn't understand at the time. All she said was she was thinking like her ex-wife." Blair gave Devin another push.

"Blair, you're a great guy for sticking by her."

"Corinne stuck by you."

"I've changed my outside appearance. I'm still the same person Corinne fell in love with."

"Still not many women would help their husbands with make-up and hold their hands during sexual reassignment surgery."

Laura looked Corinne catching their five-year old at the end of the slide. "Jamie and I both have great spouses."

"Her parents should be singing her praises, not threatening to take her children away."

"They told her if she leaves me, they would drop the custody issue."

"And she won't leave you."

Tears rolled down her cheeks. "I told her that I can get an apartment until this is over, but she says that we need to fight her parents as a team. She says that we need to show the judge that we're as stable as any other couple."

Blair hugged Laura, who was slightly taller than Blair.

"Push me," said Devin.

Blair returned to pushing the swing. "Don't you get tired?"

"No, Daddy," said the girl.

Laura said, "I'll push her."

"Devin, why don't you play with Tommy and Libby?" asked Blair.

"I played with them," Devin said.

Blair recognized the women pushing the baby swing. "Angie, your baby?"

"No, my grandbaby. You tell them not to make your mistakes and they do."

Blair gave Devin another push. "Devin, this is Angie Ferris. I bought her latest album."

The little girl said, "Mommy hates your music."

"Do you like it?" asked Angie.

"Barney is better," said the five year old.

Blair shrugged his shoulders. "Out of the mouths of babes."

She continued to gently push the swing while smiling at the baby. "This is Cody." She did more smiling at the baby then pushing.

Jamie joined them and put an arm around Angie's shoulder. "It's been years. Do still like dangerous men?"

"Do I know you?" asked Angie. "I don't usually start conversations with strangers."

"That hurt more than the gunshot wound." Jamie smiled at Angie's grandbaby. "Blair, I'll relieve you of swing duty."

"No fucking way." Angie stopped the swing and touched Jamie's face.

"I tried to tell you that Blair and I were together."

"That isn't the part I'm having a problem with."

"This isn't the time or place to talk about it."

Angie took the baby out of the swing and put him in a stroller. "Join me on a bench."

Jamie sat beside her on a bench. "I've been a woman for six years."

"My memory might not be that good but you were one hard ass cop."

"Still am. Angie, you look good."

"I don't quite know what to say." Angie pushed the stroller, nodded and said, "Six years."

"It's hard being a working mom. I feel like I should be home with Devin."

"I know what you mean."

"I promised to give Blair's arm a break," said Jamie. "Devin needs to get better at pushing herself. They grow up so fast. Next year, she'll be in first grade."

"Pam's in college."

---

After dinner, Jamie shared a slice of pie with Blair. While sipping her coffee, she said, "Dad, I invited you out to talk to you."

"About what?" asked William.

"There is no gentle way to say this," explained Jamie. "I figured I'd be better off telling you in a public place than at your house."

"What?" asked Steve.

"I'm having surgery," Jamie said.

"Another hernia operation?" William asked.

"No. I could have told you that at the house. You'd be upset, but not angry. I'm going to become a woman."

"You've been cross dressing over five years," Steve said. "Why now?"

"Why not now?" said Jamie. "I talked to a couple doctors yesterday. I have some more people to talk to. It isn't going to happen any time soon."

"Why bother telling us?" asked William.

"Because I came to a decision and I wanted you to know," explained Jamie.

William said, "Whatever you decide I support you."

"He's going to cut his balls off and you support him," Steve said loudly on the verge of yelling.

"Emotionally, he cut them off six years ago. Jimmy, believe it or not, I understand. I've done some reading on the issue and I realize that it's hard to be neither." William sipped more coffee.

"Couldn't you go back to being a man?" Steve asked.

"I tried. I don't know how to explain it, but," Jamie pointed to her temple. "Here I know I'm a woman."

William looked over at Steve. "Jimmy has seen herself as a woman since before she became pregnant."

"She returned to college as Jamie Sandburg," said Blair. "She transferred a lot of her electives and liberal arts courses, but she needed to do a full science program. I asked her about it at the time. She said she couldn't put in the lab hours pretending to be someone she isn't."

"You started college before you told the world you were John Doe," said Steve.

Jamie put down her coffee cup. "Yes, I know when I returned to college."

"I don't understand," said Steve.

"Bianca wanted me to be James Ellison, the macho cop that could dress as a woman for a year and be unaffected," Jamie explained. "I played the game. I answered the interview questions from a script."

"Men are going to think they can have a baby then go about their business," said Steve.

"They should be able to," Blair said. "Jamie's body chemistry is different because she's a sentinel."

"Oprah was interviewing the first man to carry a child to term. She wasn't doing a show on cross-dressers," said Jamie.

"The point is that you've been cross dressing for six years. You should leave well enough alone," Steve said.

"It isn't enough. Steve, I need my body to match what's inside." Jamie put her hand over her chest.

Stephen walked out of the restaurant.

Blair said, "Should I go after him?"

"Let him cool off," Jamie said.

END