Having Your Baby
by Athena
Fandom: The Sentinel
Pairing: Jim/Blair
Warning: Mpreg
Summary: male pregnancy story using today's technology
Rating: NC-17 for implied sex and adult subject matter)
(thank you - Ivan Reitman, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Danny Devito, Emma Thompson, and everyone else involved with the production of the movie Junior for the inspiration.)
Having Your Baby
by Athena
"A friend of my mine is doing infertility research. I agreed to help her out." Blair relaxed into sofa with a beer.
"I hear a but coming," said Jim.
"I'm teaching four classes and the sociology/anthropology department is using me for slave labor. They think if they work me hard enough I'll quit. After guiding you for four years, no one could work me that hard." Blair smiled.
"What did you agree to?" Jim asked, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
"She's doing fertility testing and I gave her sperm samples. At the time, she had eighteen volunteers and she wanted twenty. I told her that if she couldn't find two more volunteers I would help."
From Blair's sweat to the race of his heartbeat, Jim knew that there was more to it. "And?" Jim flashed his pearly white, trying to give encouragement and not ring Blair's neck.
"She wanted me to carry an embryo."
"As in a baby," Jim shouted.
"For three months, it's a pack of cell. The other volunteers are female," Blair said. "With my killer schedule, I can't afford morning sickness."
"There's no way that you're carrying a baby to kill it. If I could, I would get the media down her throat to stop such unethical experiments." Jim could hear the heartbeat of fetus younger than that if he put his head to a pregnant woman's belly. In a woman with a baby a month or two older, he could put his hand against her abdomen and form a picture in his mind of the forming child.
"It's just a clump of cells. Don't think of it as a baby."
"It's a baby. It's not because I was raised Catholic. An abortion stops a beating heart. I can't let you do it."
"I won't do it. I have to help her find someone else." Blair gave Jim his best puppy dog eyes.
"Chief, I'll do it." Jim looked Blair straight in the eye, grabbing both of his lover's hands.
"You just said that her experiments were unethical."
"I'll carry it to term. If she can get a man to delivery a healthy baby, then no children will pay the ultimate price." Jim touched Blair's cheek.
"Jim, you'll have to take female hormones until the placenta produces its own. You could go a year without an erection." Blair said stroking the peach fuzz on Jim's cheek. "You do this and your life will never be the same."
"I need to do it. I can't let you find someone that will kill a helpless baby." Jim kissed Blair's forehead. "I can get through anything with you by my side."
"You could hemorrhage to death."
"Then, I hemorrhage to death for a reason. Martyrs have died for less." Jim hugged and kissed Blair.
Blair balled up his fists and his heart pounded.
"Chief, I won't die. I'm too stubborn." Jim kissed Blair's face.
---
Blair walked Jim through the corridors of the science building. They went to the top floor stopped in a large lab with several freezers, large computers, steel tables with surgical equipment nearby. A woman, a little older than Blair, wearing a white lab coat, shook Blair's hand. "Did you find me a volunteer?"
Blair's voice shook, "Bianca, this is my SO, Jim Ellison."
"Mr. Ellison, Blair gave me some sperm samples about six months ago," said Bianca. "We were going to implant an embryo in his abdomen and watch it grow few months."
Jim clenched his jaw and tried not to let his anger show.
Dr. Bianca Hogan said, "Entopic pregnancies aren't considered viable."
Jim interrupted, "That doesn't mean you have to cause them. What you are doing is murder."
"Mr. Ellison, please, leave or I'll call security," Dr. Hogan said.
"Let me finish," Jim said, keeping his voice as calm as possible.
Bianca looked at her watch. "You have five minutes then I call security."
Jim took a deep breath. "I want to do it. Mr. Sandburg has other obligations."
"Sir, you aren't making any sense."
"I have a friend that was born without a womb that has been looking longingly at expectant mothers for years. She isn't the type person to go first." Jim calmed his heartbeat. Blair had taught him biofeedback. Jim wasn't going to tell this woman that his friend was a male-female transsexual. "I carry to term. No more of these experiments. The rest of trials are to term. You call me John Doe in your research."
"I'm testing a medicine to prevent miscarriage. Mr. Ellison, you can't expect me to implant you with your lover's child."
"I can't agree to aborting the baby," said Jim.
"Leave my office and don't mock my research," said Bianca.
"Your research is no good until you can get someone to carry to term. If a man can carry to term, any woman can," Jim said with an air of confidence.
"Bianca, tell him what you're doing," Blair said.
Bianca takes Blair to the side and whispered into Blair's ear. "I'm not talking to that crazy right-to-lifer. I don't care if he's your friend."
"Jim and I have been together for four years," Blair stated.
"And you have my condolences," Bianca said.
"Tell him what you're doing. Let him decide for himself."
Jim had enough to shut her down. It was illegal to cause abortion for medical reasons. She knew that. All Jim had to do was flash his badge and she was behind bars. "I'll tell the police that you're doing illegal experiments. I could shut you down with one phone call."
Bianca sat down on a bench near Jim. "As I said, I'm testing a medicine that will allow women with damaged or missing uteruses to carry a baby. One of my volunteers had a hysterectomy when she was twenty. She's using her husband's sperm and her own egg and also wants to carry to term."
"What about surrogate moms?" asked Blair.
"They're hard to find and there is nothing like being able to carry your own child," said Bianca.
"Do you have children?" Jim asked, sitting down next to her.
"One. Three years old," Bianca said. "This'll give hundreds of women hope."
Jim, refusing to yell, put his hands on the table. "Tell the women the risk and let them carry to term."
"Or what?" Bianca asked.
Jim flashed his badge. "I shut you down and you spend time in jail for performing illegal research."
"What do you want?" Bianca looked him in the eye.
"To carry Blair's child," Jim stated.
"You're crazy," the woman said.
"I've never committed blackmail in my life. I've always considered myself an honest cop, but you have something I want." It had never crossed his mind before, but since Blair mentioned it, it was all he could think about. Every since his senses went on-line, he felt so much when he was near a pregnant woman.
Blair took Jim's hand. "You're losing it, man."
"Let's go. I'll have her out of business in less than five minutes," Jim said.
Bianca goes over to Jim and put her hand on his arm. "What do you want? I can't pack up in five minutes."
"I told you."
"Jim, you're talking crazy," Blair said.
"Lots of pregnant women work. I have enough income from my apartment building that I can take a couple years off to raise our child."
"You want this," said Blair.
Beaming, Jim took Blair's hand. "Chief, imagine a little Sandburg in our lives. Why wouldn't I want your child?"
"Bianca, he won't close you down. I need to take him home and talk some sense to him," Blair said.
"Good luck," Bianca said.
"If I can't talk him out of it, will you do it?" Blair asked.
"It could kill him," Bianca said.
"Jim knows that."
"Go to the student union or some place nearby and talk him out of it," Bianca whispered. "I don't want his death on my conscious."
Blair took Jim's hand as they walked out of the science building. "You can't be serious. I'm the one that is called 'Miss' at the supermarket."
"Exactly. Everyone will just think I'm fat. Heather in Narcotics used to be Hank. She has been to electrolysis three times she still has as much facial hair as you. Chief, just think about it - a little Sandburg." Jim smiled ear-to-ear.
"Man, the child won't be related to you. Dr. Hogan will use an anonymous donor egg. It's illegal to replace the nuclear material in an egg with other material. It falls under the illegal cloning act."
"What she is doing is illegal?"
"She doesn't have the technology to take the nuclear material out of one cell and put another cell's nuclear material inside. Anyway, you look at it, you can't be the mother."
"Find woman with similar features," Jim suggested and walked back up the stairs. "I'm already looking forward to hearing his or her heartbeat."
"You won't feel all that," said Bianca.
"I feel more than that when I touch the womb of a pregnant woman. With me, you won't need to attach a monitor. I won't hemorrhaged to death because I can feel the slightest tear," Jim said. "I'm the perfect guinea pig."
"You aren't making any sense," said the woman.
"Sandburg isn't a fraud." Jim smiled at her. "I want to experience what you experienced when you carried your child. It's a part of the human experience that I thought as a man that I would only get to experience secondhand. You have opened a whole new world to me."
Blair smiled. "He won't die."
"Do you have pictures or description of the female donors?" Jim asked.
"I have a sample from a woman that is tall, blonde and blue eyed. Will that work?" Bianca asked. "Jim, I don't want this becoming a media circus."
"I don't want that either." Jim touched her hand. "Have we come to an understanding?"
Bianca had Jim fill out paperwork, as she continued to try to talk him out of risking his life on a moral issue, and prepared a shot of female hormones. "These are fertility drugs. They contain a high level of estrogen and progesterone. The first side effect that you'll probably feel will be impotence. If I'm successful implanting an embryo inside you, you'll be impotent for over a year. I don't think I have to tell you the other symptoms."
"Jim, honey," Blair said. "If you take those hormones, you won't be able to get it up for a long time."
"Then, we better have good sex tonight." Jim kissed Blair. "I love you."
"You're crazy." Blair stroked Jim's beard.
"You were going to do it." Jim touched Blair's hand and pulled it off his face.
"I was going to abort it in three months. I would have only been impotent for one month, perhaps two. You would have been able to work around it," Blair explained.
"All nineteen of female volunteers are already pregnant. You could be in the second round of testing in two months. Do you want to be on female hormone the whole waiting period?" Bianca explained.
"Give me the shot." Jim lowered his trousers and briefs.
"You can change your mind at anytime," Bianca said as she readied the needle.
Jim felt a small pitch before he pulled his pants back up. Blair looked at Jim in the truck on the way home. "You have two months to change your mind."
"My rump itches."
"Do you want me to kiss it and make it better?"
"When we get home?"
---
Blair undressed himself and then Jim. Jim lazily tossed the clothes in the hamper. "How soon do you think I'll be impotent?"
"It doesn't scare you."
"No. There is no contest to see whom has the most sex before he dies. If there was, I would have lost long ago." Jim licked Blair's back. "Chief, I love the way you smell and taste. There is so much that doesn't involve my dick." Jim licked Blair's neck and then his ear. Jim experienced so much sensation that had nothing to do with his sex organs. He could spend hours just licking or fondling Blair. It was such a turn on for Blair to lick his neck or chest. He could be content just snuggling Blair. Jim had waited a long time to do more than to snuggle with Blair because he believed Blair loved the ladies too much to give them up for him. Jim could count the times he had sex in the loft between the time Carolyn moved out and inviting Blair into his bed on one hand."You taste so good." Jim pulled Blair's earring with his tongue. "I love eighteen carat gold when it's flavored by you."
Blair turned over to face Jim and kissed him deeply. "You're a nut."
"I want your baby inside me. I can't stop thinking about the prospect." Jim kissed Blair's chest and moved his hand over Blair's sex. "You're so beautiful."
Blair licked Jim's cock and went down on him. Jim fired too fast. Jim needed to turn it down or he would come from the slightest touch. Being impotent would allow him to take the time to snuggle and enjoy all the sensations that he could give Blair. He loved that he could feel Blair's nerve endings response to his touch. Sexuality was far more than ejaculating. "It didn't take effect, yet," Blair teased.
Jim kissed him. "We can try again." Jim licked and caressed Blair enjoying every squirm of his lover. Jim touched the spots that made Blair quiver in delight. Jim loved Blair's body and how each part seem to have its own flavor and texture. Orgasm seemed like such a small part of the package.
---
At the end of the week, Bianca gave Jim another shot in the ass. "How was your week? Any symptoms?"
"None. I felt a little moody, but Blair says that I'm always moody."
After Jim got his third shot, Jim complained that his skin was sensitive while he was shaving.
"Use my electric," Blair hollered. "Moisturizer, not aftershave, it contains alcohol and that is the last thing you want on sensitive skin."
"Thanks, I can't go to work scruffy," Jim said, as Blair entered the bathroom to brush his teeth. Jim was now loosing muscle tone on the daily basis but he didn't think Blair or anyone else could see it, yet.
"Did you find the coco butter?" Blair asked. "It's under the sink."
"Thanks."
"Put it some on your knees and elbows. I'll give you a rub down after I get home from work. I'm running late."
---
That Friday as Blair was massaging Jim's back, Blair commented, "Your losing muscle tone."
"I'm also impotent," Jim said. "I tried jerking off and it doesn't want to stay up. The hormones are starting to change my body. Isn't that exciting?"
"I like your buff, hard body," Blair whined.
"This is incredible. My muscles are changing. I'm starting to get fat deposits on my hips. Can you feel it?"
"Jim, change your mind. Your body will recover in a few days. The woman with the hysterectomy has entered her second month of pregnancy. You don't have to do this," Blair said.
"Chief, I want to do this."
---
Jim called Heather from Narcotics and asked her to meet him at an Italian restaurant not usually frequented by cops. "Why the covert operations?" asked Heather.
"I'll get straight to the point. I've on-"Jim mumbled in his water "- for almost two months."
"Men as macho as you're usually hiding something," said Heather.
"That isn't it."
"What is it?" Heather looked in Jim's eyes.
"I'm taking estrogen, progesterone and medicine to prevent miscarriage."
"You're pulling my leg."
"If I can maintain a pregnancy, women like you can have babies. Also I was wondering - how do you handle sensitive skin. You mentioned that you and electrolysis don't get along." Jim did a double take because he changed the subject midstream. I'm thinking like a woman. He always complained that he didn't understand women and now he was doing the same annoying things that Carolyn did that pissed him off. He was becoming his ex-wife.
"Sugar, wax, and lots of skin lotion. Electrolysis can cause scarring." Heather showed Jim some lines across her cheek. "And the hair still grows back."
"Blair suggested that I use his electric razor and coco butter. I'm worried that since I stopped working out that the men in the office will think I'm depressed."
"Well, show them that you aren't depressed and just not interested in working out." Heather touched his hand.
Jim pulled his hand away and deadpanned, "I'm a married woman."
"I don't see a ring." Heather stroked Jim's cheek. "Not too bad."
"Heather, I'm not interested. Blair stole my heart years ago."
"How is the little professor?"
"He's great. There're good men out there. Heather, I didn't mean to give you the wrong impression. My doctor doesn't know any transsexuals and all she gives me is a list of things to expect, not any compassion or understanding. I need a friend in this." Jim wasn't exactly a transsexual, but he didn't have another category to call himself. He felt it would be better if people thought he was transsexual than pregnant. The media would avoid the embarrassment of the three-time winner of Cop of the Year being on female hormones and living as a woman, but the first pregnant man would draw media from all over the world. As a sentinel, he could follow other people's behaviors easier because he saw details other people missed.
"I can listen," Heather said. "Jamie, I know it can be frightening."
"I want his baby so much." Jim shed a few silent tears. "I never cry."
"It's probably the hormones, Baby," Heather said.
"Blair was going to test this chemical to prevent miscarriages," Jim started. "He's working very long hours at the University. You must have heard about the dissertation fiasco. They're trying to make him quit by working him to death and I'm rather lonely."
"Didn't he sue the publishing company?"
"No. He couldn't. Sid gave him a settlement out of his own money. If he sues the publishing house, Sid would never work again and his mother would never speak to him."
Heather laughed. "Maybe, that's a good thing."
"I feel so euphoric most of the time since I started taking the hormones. I've been talking Blair's ear off."
"We've never been friends before."
"I didn't want to tell Simon and Blair is working long hours. I hoped that you would listen."
"You're going to carry your lover's baby. You're crazier than I am."
"Not for three more weeks. Blair was going to abort it after the got over the risk period for miscarriage. I'm pro-life. I couldn't let him do it."
"Men don't get pregnant." Heather drank her soda. The waitress brought their food to the table. Jim tasted his pasta; it was too hot and needed to cool a bit longer.
"Heather, you had surgery to become female. I see the way you look at pregnant women and women with small children so don't deny it. I could give you another option."
"Why you?"
"Why not me? Blair and I have been together for four years. I love the idea of having his baby. I know it isn't genetically my child. The anti-cloning laws prevent doctors from extracting DNA from an ovum and replacing it with another donor's DNA. It can be done. Germs cells can be made from any cell in your body."
"The cost will be astronomical."
"Free. She'll need test subjects. The University will pay for all your medical care." Jim started to eat his food.
"You can babble if you like. Jamie, I won't judge you." Heather twirled her spaghetti around her fork.
"You think I'm nuts."
"I'm coming to accept that I'll never have children. Don't give me false dreams."
"I'm thirty-eight. You're only thirty-two; you have time." Jim watched Heather eat her food and copied her behavior. It wouldn't be hard to mimic female behavior if he did it on the constant basis. Blair talked about habits and environment being stronger elements of behavior than genetics. A kid brought up in a primitive tribe in New Guinea could become a doctor working most technically advanced hospital in the world.
"That makes you high risk."
"Having a baby without a womb is high-risk. My age really doesn't enter into it. I'm strong and healthy. I'm a good candidate." Jim looked at the other women eating at the restaurant and made more adjustments to his own behavior. From Blair rants, new habits only replace old habits if they are done constantly. Jim was going to freak a lot of people out if he behaved like a woman twenty-four hours a day, but if he were going to prevent a media circus, he would have to do it.
---
Jim enjoyed several long massages by Blair. "Chief, I wish you didn't work such long hours at the University."
"It's a game. They have me play gopher and belittled me and they think they can drive me to quit. They want their money back from the grants they gave me so they work me to the bone. I'm more stubborn than they are."
"I hate that I need you so much."
"Is your skin less sensitive?"
"Chief, coco butter helps. I ordered a therapeutic chair with heat and massage. I'm sure it'll be used over the next ten months. It might be great when I nurse my baby. I'm sitting on a cushion at the office. Rafe has been teasing me about getting hemorrhoids and I told him that it comes with age. My biggest problem lately is that I talk too much. I don't rant like you. I just babble."
"You put two Jews in a room you have three arguments."
"Chief, I just talk nonsense."
"You feel good, though."
"Great. Giddy."
"The doctor said that you would adjust. The paperwork says you can quit at anytime."
"I can handle giddy. If the hormones were making me depressed, I might reconsider."
Blair undressed. "Since your skin seems super sensitive, we should take advantage of that."
"I'm deliberately losing muscle tone. Do you still find me attractive?" Jim removed his shirt.
"Jim. I love you. You don't have to do this." Blair kissed Jim's shoulder, then licked Jim's chest. His pecs had lost a lot of their previous musculature.
"I spoke to Heather?" Jim licked Blair's chest hair.
"And?"
"She thinks I'm a fruitcake. She's trying to accept that she'll never have children and is angry that I would suggest otherwise."
"But she wants children."
"I didn't want to upset her. She called me 'Jamie'."
"You have dozens of pet names for me. Some of them are less than attractive. Darwin is another word for smartass." Blair nibbled on Jim's ear. "Jamie." Blair whispered.
"I like it when you say it." Jim enjoyed the process as his thinking was changing as much as his body. Jim wondered if Blair was noticing the feminization of his behavior but wouldn't say anything about it. Jim put his hands on Blair's ass and kissed his shoulder. "Turn over. I want to lick your butt."
"I love all you can do with your tongue." Blair rolled to his side.
"And my fingers. I'm going to make you squeal." Jim started to lick Blair's bottom as Jim's hands moved over his love.
---
After Bianca tried to argue Jim out of the procedure for over an hour, Bianca resorted to character assault. "You're acting like a woman."
"Good. You noticed. I've been working on it for almost month. I haven't got any feedback from my coworkers. I thought that I wasn't doing a good job of mimicking female behavior." Jim smiled broadly; he wouldn't have to go out-of-town to test it. Blair wouldn't comment about it. "Chief, have you noticed anything?"
"I thought it was the hormones and I was afraid you would break plates or pack my things again," Blair said.
"I'm working harder at this than anything I've ever done in my life. Do you know how hard it's to monitor every movement you make?" Jim said putting his hand on Blair's.
"Why?" Blair asked.
"Because things are happening to my body," Jim said. "Not that I don't like it. I don't want people knowing. No one is going to bother me if they see a transsexual. In fact, they'll avoid me, like I have the plague and, as the world's first pregnant man, I won't get a moment's peace. Darling, this is for my protection and yours."
"Jamie, I wasn't thinking," Blair said. "We can talk about your behavior modification program at home. I might see things that you're missing."
"It's either this or sitting in the loft the next nine months," Jim said. "I need your support, not your condemnation. Blair, we'll talk about it at home."
"Jamie, I'm glad you're doing it deliberately. Bianca, he wants this or would he go to the effort of concentrating on every element of his behavior?" Blair squeezed Jim's hand. "Baby, why do you want this so much that you're willing to become ostracized by your peers?"
Jim kissed Blair briefly. "Chief, I want your child to grow inside me. I can find nothing that could be more exciting. If they're my true friends, they'll stand by me through this. If they toss me aside, they weren't really my friends in the first place. Blair, having a child is far more important than making a few people uncomfortable because James Ellison now walks like a girl. Did you know that when I answer the phone at work now, people say 'Miss' to me? I didn't change the pitch only the inflection. Women seemed to doubt their words, making statements into questions." Jim had learned a whole new set of behaviors when he went through male initiation rituals in Peru. At the time, he thought there was nothing more embarrassing than being nearly thirty being surrounded by twelve-year-old boys.
"Jim, I'm sure it's fascinating," Bianca said. "Do you want the surgery or does the idea of people thinking you to be a transsexual enough to frighten you out of such life-threatening surgery?"
"It's Jamie." Jim smiled feeling confident with his decision. As time went on, he would adapt more feminine behavior to replace his masculine behavior. His manner of speech and simple everyday movement took less effort as each day went on. His phone voice was more feminine than Megan's and didn't need to put in an effort to maintain it.
After Bianca did the surgery to implant the embryo in the lower abdomen, she explained, "I'll give you the hormones and medicine in daily pills now. I might need to regulate the dosage. Take each pill with breakfast. No strenuous exercise for a week."
"How much hormone are you giving me?"
"About twice as much as a transsexual would receive. I'll reduce dosage when the placenta is formed. I'll need to reduce your medication as time goes on. Are you having side effects?"
"Talk too much. Giddy?"
"What do you mean by giddy?"
"I talk too much. Laugh at stupid things."
"Another else."
"I'm acting like my ex-wife," Jim admitted.
Bianca put on her therapist hat. "In what way?"
"I change subject mid-sentence and expect the person I'm talking to follow. I used to tell Carolyn that she wasn't listening and then she would repeat back what I said word-for-word. It used to piss me off." Jim started laughing at the absurdity of it. "I'm a control fanatic and right now I feel powerless to shut up when I know I should. I hate that my hormones are all over the place."
Dr. Bianca Hogan took Jim's hand. "It's going to get worse before it gets better. The worse should be around the third month then you should be less moody. More your normal self."
Blair said, "That's moody enough. Jim, let's go out for Thai before I head back to the university."
---
Jim said, after they were seated at the restaurant. "Chief, I'm glad you noticed the effort I was making. My guess was right, acting like a woman would render me invisible."
"I don't know what to say to encourage you or if I even want to encourage you. Carrying this fetus will most likely kill you," Blair said.
"If you believe in Dr. Hogan, then it's enough," Jim said. "I'm strong and healthy and I can do this."
"Jamie, I support you. Even when I don't agree with you, I support your decisions." Blair said.
Jim waited for Blair to order first and they ate in relative silence. "So, honey, what are you thinking?" Jim asked in the same way his ex-wife would ask after there was a lull in conversation.
"I was watching you eat. You have the mannerisms down and it looks effortless."
Jim put his fork down on the side of his plate. "In what way?"
"You handle the fork more delicately, put smaller portions in your mouth, you chew more thoroughly, and the way you pat your face with your napkin. It's very disconcerting to see you act this way. For a month, I was thinking I was crazy and couldn't be seeing what I was." Blair took a sip of his Thai coffee.
"You aren't losing your mind. Chief, I'm learning to be a lady. I don't want anyone to see a pregnant man." Jim took a sip of his water, wanting people to see a large, nonpregnant woman.
"I don't think anyone will."
---
Jim took his medicine every day and went to work as usual. Blair wasn't working as many long hours. The professors dogging him must have had other slaves to push around. Blair cuddled with Jim on the king sized bed. The one they had CPD pay for when Warren Chapel shot the other bed full of holes. Feeling Blair in his arms was nice. Jim realized there were three heartbeats in the loft: his, Blair's and the baby's. The baby's was very soft and rapid, like the flapping of hummingbird wings.
"What's wrong?" asked Blair. "You were zoning."
"I can hear the baby's heartbeat. It's a quick flutter. I was just thinking I'll be hearing it all the time until he or she is born."
Blair rested against Jim's chest.
"Get off!" Jim pushed Blair away and massaged his nipple. "I didn't mean to yell. I didn't expect it to hurt like that."
Blair put a hand below Jim's small breasts. "Naomi claims she knew she was pregnant because her nipples were tender."
"You get to suck and massage them."
"Man, I'm still not used to you having tits."
Jim put an arm around Blair. "I never though I would have tits. I thought a little breast development. Male to female transsexuals don't get the kind of breast development adolescence girls get. It must be because I'm more sensitive to medication than most people."
"Hormones are chemicals; they react like any other chemicals in your body. They aren't that big. I don't think they are a size 'A'." Blair licked the nipple that he had previously bumped into. "Feel better?"
"Ah-uh. They're going to get bigger, and I'll be getting colostrum toward the end of the pregnancy."
---
Jim returned to the bathroom to vomit for the second time that morning then splashed water on his face.
Henri came in. "Jim, you should go home."
"I'll be fine in an hour or two. My doctor says Saltines."
"What are you having, morning sickness?"
"Laugh." Jim was copying women's behavior at work; however, no one had made any snide remarks about it. Then, again, Jim had a tendency to throw temper tantrums when insulted. No one was going to tell macho Jim Ellison that he was acting like a woman. "I'll laugh when you're under the weather."
Henri went to whiz. "I'm never sick."
Jim went to the men's room and washed his face splashing the water upward like Megan did.
Soon after Jim returned to his desk, Connor patted his belly. "Putting on a few pounds."
"I haven't been working out due to the bad back," Jim explained since he told Simon that he needed desk duty for a week because he pulled out his back. He couldn't exactly have told Simon that he needed to be on light duty because he had an entopic pregnancy that needed to attach itself to an abdominal wall and any activity could cause rupturing and possible death. He hated lying to Simon but he didn't want to be on the cover of Weekly World News.
"Ellison, it happens to all of us." Taggart patted his extending girth.
"Blair says that I should watch the donuts," said Ellison. "I'm in good company. Simon put on a few pounds since he's been injured."
"All you tubbies should go to the gym," Megan said.
"I watch what I eat," said Rafe. "The gym can only do so much."
"Leave off, Ellison. Once your back goes out, it's ruined for life," Taggart said.
"Go home," said Banks. "You look green."
"By the time, I go home it'll be out of my system," Ellison said.
Banks walked Ellison to his office. "As your friend, I recommend you cut back on the donuts. I would also suggest seeing a psychiatrist."
"Why?" asked Ellison.
"You have always have been in top physical form. Suddenly, you don't feel like exercising, you're eating too much and you're tired all the time. All classic symptoms of depression."
"I'm not depressed." He stopped exercising to prevent rupture, but the fatigue and hunger were symptoms of pregnancy. Not to mention, the queasiness. He had told Heather that his coworkers would suspect depression. He had to reassure Simon that he wasn't depressed.
"How is Blair?"
"He's still working like a dog."
"You should take some time off. Give your back a rest. You don't look like yourself."
"Thanks, Simon. You know how to cheer a man up." Jim, feeling a small leg kick, smiled. Putting his hand over the baby, he focused on the baby floated in the small sack of water. Her heart was beating about 140 a minute. He counted the projections on the baby. Blair had a healthy baby girl.
"Stop having a moment with your fat cells."
"I'll go." Jim wanted to tell Blair that he had felt the baby kick and cell phone were too easy to overhear. After driving to Rainier, Jim waited nearly two hours at Blair's office for the overworked TA to return. "I felt her move."
"It's too early for that." Blair put Jim's hands in his.
"I'm a sentinel. It's a girl. We need to name your daughter."
"You should be aborting her this week."
"I can feel her inside me. It's wonderful. Simon is worried about me getting fat."
"You need to abort it; it will kill you."
"Chief, I feel life inside me." Jim went home and watched Jerry Springer, as he ate popcorn and drank lemonade. The baby's movements were fascinating. Such a small thing. No bigger than two inches. How could he imagine killing her? The people on Jerry Springer were throwing food at each other. The man on the show promised to marry this skinny woman but married this morbidly obese woman instead. The skinny woman was throwing caking onto the fat woman in the wedding dress. Jim was glad that he would never shed his dirty laundry on a show like Jerry Springer. The audience abused the man so for choosing the fat woman over the thin one. He wondered when his story hit the media, if he would do talk shows. He might but only if they laugh with him, not at him, wanting compassion, not mockery.
Bianca called him on the cell phone as the next talk show started.. "You need to come in today."
"I felt her move. I can feel her kick. It's wonderful."
"You're a man."
"I'm keeping my baby."
"I'm not going to be responsible. The stakes have gone up. You need to come in."
"We'll talk in your office." Ellison put the phone in his pocket. Bianca asked him to lift his shirt. She put a stethoscope to the bulge. "She has a good heartbeat. The woman who was carrying to term nearly died today. The sac ruptured and she nearly hemorrhaged to death."
"I'll go on bed rest. I'm not murdering my baby," Ellison said.
"Get on the scale. 219. You have gained twenty pounds. Do you want us to have to cut through fat to get the baby out? You need to be more careful."
Jim sat on the examining table. "What do you want me to do?"
"Eat fruit and vegetables before you eat anything else. Get eight servings of fruit and vegetables before eating your meat or starches. You need to your vitamins and minerals in. I don't believe in prenatal vitamins; you should get enough nutrition from the food you eat."
"I have to eat fruit for breakfast." Jim made a face.
"If you can't agree to putting fruits and vegetables first, I'll take it right now."
"Fine. I'll make healthy choices."
"I want to see 220. No more."
"Should I go on bed rest?"
"There are no reason stop normal activities of daily living. As mentioned before, no lifting over fifty pounds. Get plenty of rest and drink at least eight glasses of water a day. Jim, you know all this."
Jim picked up the next months' medication.
"I'm giving you less estrogen than in a birth control pill. The placenta should be making enough to maintain pregnancy. If you feel the slightest bit of cramping go straight to the emergency room, continuing this pregnancy is against doctor's orders. You just went over an unacceptable risk line."
"I understand." Jim touched the bulge in his belly. "I'll take care of myself and I won't let anything harm her."
"I'm scheduling you for an ultrasound," Bianca said. "I want to see the placenta. If she isn't getting a good blood supply, she goes. How are the emotions?"
"I feel good."
Bianca gave him two bottles of pills. "One of each, every morning. I'll see you in a month for the ultrasound."
Jim buttoned his jeans. They were getting a bit snug and digging into his waist. He would need to buy maternity clothes and the insults would start coming.
Blair was home looking at his notes. "What did Bianca say?"
"Continue my normal activities, no lifting, fruit for breakfast. She won't give me prenatal vitamins. She insisted that I eat lots of fruits and vegetables instead."
"Good. That is a much healthier way of going about it."
"She was angry that I gained twenty pounds. I gain fifteen of those before I was pregnant. I need to buy to some larger clothes. Would you mind if I wore maternity clothes?"
"Why maternity clothes?"
"Men's clothes aren't designed for increased weight gain. Besides, they'll be hanging everywhere else and tight in the waist," Jim said. "My jeans are cutting into my waist!"
"Honey, I don't mind," Blair snuggled next to Jim. "Get clothes that are comfortable. You need to eat fruits and vegetables, no donuts."
"I want her to be healthy." Jim kissed Blair briefly.
"Remember that when cheesecake is calling your name," Blair said.
"If any cheesecakes start whispering, 'James Ellison, eat me.' I'm leaving the room." Jim laughed. "You don't buy it either. Don't expect me to have that kind of willpower. Does my body disgust you?"
"No. Healthy food is important. Don't lose any weight. Watch those calories; you can't be losing weight while pregnant." Blair kissed his neck and put his hands under Jim's sweatshirt. Blair licked Jim's breasts. The mounds were as large as a woman. "I can't believe you're having my baby."
"She'll be as beautiful as her father." Jim wrapped his arms around Blair.
"In the morning, we'll go shopping. I don't have class until noon." Blair continued to suck on Jim's breasts.
"I need to do this myself. We can go shopping later." Jim stroked Blair's hair. "Chief, I love you so much."
"Jamie, I love you, too." Blair moved his hand over Jim's belly.
---
The next day, Jim looked in my mirror. Peach fuss was forming in place of his once receding hairline. He took one of Blair's bandanas to use as a scarf. He drove to a mall several towns over. He brought some boxers from Big and Tall. Then, he went to the maternity store to get some pants. He saw his reflection in his sweats. I look so fat. Jim touched the beginnings of a double chin.
"Can I help you?" asked the sales associate, Marge on her nametag.
"I'll need some pants," Jim mumbled, noticing the fitting room in the back he could try on as many as he needed until he found the right size.
"Is this your first?" the lady asked as Jim gathered up five pairs of pants to take back.
"Only. I'm thirty-nine," Jim whispered.
"I don't see a ring," the lady said.
"Swelling. I've been married four years." Jim hurried to the fitting room. He didn't feel like small talk and didn't think about his voice, whispering out of embarrassment. After he decided to use a slightly higher pitch around the sales clerk, Jim found that the extra large fit fine. He picked up three pairs of jeans to take to the register.
"Congratulation," the lady said.
"My doctor recited the riot act because I gained twenty pounds the first three months. I thought she was going to explain what fruit and vegetables were and where to find them in the supermarket. My husband is five-eight and skinny; he's laughing his head off. He teased me about cakes and cookies calling my name."
"Which is?"
"Jamie."
"Like Jamie Summers, The Bionic Woman."
"It's James. My father wanted a boy. Annie Rice's given name is Howard." Here Jim was babbling again. He wasn't the Bionic Woman. Dr. Hogan didn't want him running or lifting weights. The only exercise she allowed, outside of normal activities of daily living, was swimming because water would support him and the baby.
Marge, the sales associate, said, "Bras are important."
"I never needed one." Jim felt dumb saying that, but there were many flat-chested women that didn't need a bra until they became pregnant.
"I'll help you find one that fits." Marge walked toward the bra department and gestured for Jim to go back to the fitting room.
Jim took his shirt off in the fitting room. He thought he was going to die of shame on the spot. The sales associate helped him put on the bra and adjust the straps. He went to take it off.
"Keep it on," Marge said. "How does it feel?"
"Good," Jim whispered. It really did feel good; it took some of the weight off his back and onto his shoulders. He put his hand on the baby and started crying.
"Tears are normal," the woman said.
Jim put his shirt on over the bra. Blair would laugh, but he wasn't the one with the bustline. The lady didn't notice that he was a man. Her involuntary grimaces said all pregnant women are beautiful even the ugly ones. She brought two more bras to the register. Jim brought the bras and pants without another word.
Jim called Heather, hoping she was on her lunch break. "I'm at the mall. I need your help."
"What's wrong?"
"I went maternity clothes shopping and the saleslady saw a woman." Jim was naked from the waist up except for a scarf over his hair. That was his body, not behavior that he was deliberately projecting. Jim loved it when he was called 'Miss' on the phone, but this hurt.
"You've been on hormones for five months."
"I need a wig," said Jim. "My hair is growing funny. I wore a scarf to the mall."
"Tell me what mall. I'll be there. Wait at the food court."
Jim told Heather which mall then put the phone in his pocket. Mrs. Fields's cookies will be calling his name. Jim went to the car to drop off his bags. After returning to the food court, he brought a salad without meat or dressing, telling himself that he needed to eat healthy. Yuk.
Heather touched Jim's cheek then chin. "Smooth."
"An electric razor and the lotion my doctor recommended," whispered Jim.
"Jamie, please, don't cry. What do you need?"
"Tears are normal. I'm three months pregnant and on hormones. I'm fat and my doctor wants me to eat healthy."
Heather took a tissue from her purse and wiped Jim's tear-soaked cheeks. "What have you bought and what do you need to buy? Let's start with a wig and move onto make-up."
"I can't do this."
"You can do this. We'll go to the wig shop and find one that looks good on you."
"Six-one, two hundred and twenty pound pregnant woman."
"You aren't the first."
"God, I'm wearing a bra."
Jim followed Heather into the wig store. Less than twenty wigs were on display. Others could be ordered by catalog and fitted in the store. "I can't do this." Jim looked at Heather in her long skirt and peasant blouse. Jim removed his scarf. "It's horrible. I've been on hormones five months and now it's growing in."
Heather slapped her leg and laughed. "Jamie, if it was that easy to grow hair, men would be pouring estrogen on their heads." Heather bit her tongue to stop laughing. "How about the dark brown pageboy?"
"I can't do it."
"Jamie, you buried seven men. You can't let a little defenseless wig frighten you." Heather took the wig off the headstand.
The sales clerk leaned forward but turned her head as to pretend she wasn't listening. Two transsexuals talking about hair growth and buying wigs was the best conversation the poor lady was going to hear all day.
Jim put the wig on that Heather suggested. "I look in the mirror and I don't see me."
"Let the clerk measure your head and you can order a nice one," Heather suggested.
The sales clerk took out the catalogue. "I'll help find something you like."
"I was thinking about shoulder length. My husband wears his hair that length." Jim kept his voice soft. He wasn't sure about using a falsetto and there were women that were tenors. He made his voice a little higher in pitch, but the feminine lilt was more important. Jim pulled a picture of Blair from his wallet. "He's the one blessed with thick gorgeous hair. He's a college professor."
"He's a nice looking man, young," the saleswoman agreed.
"He's only seven years younger," Jim said as the saleswoman took the measurement for the wig. Jim took out his card for the pageboy wig and the saleslady helped him put it on correctly.
"The one you ordered will be here in ten days. Do you want to pick it up here or do you want it mailed to the house?"
"Here is fine. I want it billed to." Jim wrote out Bianca Hogan's name and work address.
"Very well," the clerk said. "Thank you, Ma'am."
Jim returned to the maternity shop. Heather helped Jim pick out five blouses. Then Heather took Jim to the counter of a department store and helped Jim with make-up. Heather then walked Jim to a full-length mirror. Jim looked more feminine than Heather. Then, again, Blair said that hormones were only chemicals and he had a very efficient metabolism. There was no sign of his Adam's apple unless he dialed up his sight up a few notches. It was same for his light beard, an electric razor every morning was adequate.
"See. A good wig, nice make-up and a proper fitting bra," said Heather.
"That can't be me," Jim whispered and looked at the female curves. He didn't want to go to the station like this. "Is this is what Simon and the guys see?"
"They see the same James Ellison as always."
"How can they? I'm a woman."
"People see what they want to see."
"Heather, thanks for your help. I owe you big time."
"Anytime. Us ladies need to stick together." Heather gave Jim a hug.
"I'm never going to be as confident as you," Jim complained.
"It will come. Give yourself time." Heather blew him a kiss. "Ta ta."
Jim practiced a falsetto on the drive home. Blair was still at the university. Jim put his new clothes away. After putting on a new blouse and some proper fitting jeans, he fixed his lip-gloss in the mirror and smiled at himself. Heather had said, "Shine, no color."
Jim drove his truck to the station and looked at his watch. It was five when he parked in the municipal parking lot. He walked to the station carrying his make-up in a handbag. After going through the metal detector, he flashed his badge and stepped on the elevator.
Simon, finishing up the paperwork for the day, was in his office. "Miss, no one is permitted up here at this hour."
"Simon, look at me," Jim said in soft voice trying not to yell and turned to look at Simon face to face. "We have known each other forever."
"Jim," said Simon after taking a deep breath. "Is this some sort of joke?"
Jim returned to using a falsetto. "I've been on female hormones five months. I thought I could hide my curves under fat. I'm just depositing fat as a woman." Jim sat down and folded his knees at the ankle and put his purse on his lap.
"You need to go to personnel and tell them you have permission from your doctor to work as a woman."
"I'm not transsexual. I'm pregnant."
"It's an hysterical pregnancy."
"I assure you it isn't. The woman at the maternity store measured me and saw a ugly pregnant woman."
"And you having Blair's baby?" Simon did one of his patented "in five minutes I calling the men in the white coats" look.
Jim nodded knowing he was screwed.
"And yours?" Simon had that gleam in his eye.
"Donor egg. The woman is tall, blonde with blue eyes. She was thirty when she donated; we know nothing else. If I had a stethoscope, I would let you hear the baby's heartbeat. In a month, you won't need one." Jim folded his hands on his lap.
"Stop talking crazy for a moment. You have been on female hormones and you're wearing a bra." Simon, seeing the lines of the bra under Jim's new blouse, put his pen down.
Jim nodded. "These are my hips." Jim stood up and turned around. He touched his belly feeling the baby move. "I wish you could feel her move."
"Take a week off. Take two weeks off."
"What am I supposed to do at home? I'll go to my doctor and get the information personnel needs. I'm returning to work tomorrow. We don't want a law suit; neither one of us needs the embarrassment."
"Jim, dress in your normal clothes."
"Jamie or Mrs. Sandburg. I'll dress as I'm comfortable." Jim got up and left Simon's office. He went to his desk and cried. "Fucking hormones."
As Jim started doing his paperwork, Megan walked over to him. "Miss, what's wrong?"
"Captain Banks is an asshole." Jim raised his head and looked at her.
"The man that uses this desk gets irate if anyone touches his things and can see a fingerprint a mile away," Megan explained.
Jim laughed through the tears. "I thought that was supposed to be our secret."
"Jimbo, take that wig off this moment," Megan said.
"I look better with it on. I'm not into Annie Lennox."
Megan pulled off the wig showing his messed up hair and started playing with the wig. "It's a nice wig."
"I didn't hurt my back." He opened his purse, took out a mirror, grabbed the wig from Megan and put it back on. "It's Jamie. I've been on female hormones for five months."
"Hormones - that explains the mood swings."
"I hate fucking hormones. I feel like a stranger in my own body."
"How is Sandy taking it?"
"Good. He doesn't seem to mind that his Blessed Protector is a weepy marshmallow."
"I'll finish my paperwork then we'll pick up Sandy for dinner," suggested Megan. "Your bloke has to eat."
"I'll call him." Jim used cell phone. "Chief, I'm at work. Simon won't let me work in maternity clothes unless my doctor notifies personnel. Bureaucracy sucks. Simon is being a fucking asshole."
"He has no business treating the mother of my child like that," said Blair on the other end. "Do you want me to give him a piece of my mind?"
"Chief, I can handle him."
"You're possibly the world's best detective, but we both know who is the diplomat of our partnership."
"I'm going to work tomorrow in maternity clothes. Simon doesn't have a legal leg to stand on. You have enough bridges to mend at Rainier. Conner wants to invite you out for dinner."
"I could use a break."
"We'll met you in front of Hargrove Hall in a half an hour, depending on traffic."
"Megan, do you want to follow or do we use your car?" Jim took her hand in his.
"Calling me Megan and holding my hand. Those hormones are affecting your mind."
"You call me Jamie: I'll call you Megan. I need all the friends I can get."
"Use my car. I won't insult you. It couldn't have been easy coming out to Simon. Jamie, you shouldn't buy your clothing at the maternity store. I know the maternity stores carry bigger sizes and you need elastic with your sensitive skin, but it makes you look dumpy."
"I'm not entering a beauty contest." Jim looked at his reflection in the mirror before using a stall in the women's bathroom. He sat down on the toilet then got up to flush and fix his pants. Jim straightened his jeans and looked in the mirror while fixing his wig. Jim looked at Megan. "Do you know how hard it is to get it to sit right?"
"I can't believe you went to the woman's room."
"I sat down."
Megan drove to Rainier. "Jamie, what the hell is going on?"
"I told you. I'm three months pregnant, I'm taking enough estrogen for a transsexual stallion, and I'm bitchy."
Megan touched Jim's abdomen. "Oh, my God. I know what fat feels like and that isn't fat. That is either a baby or a tumor. My money is on a tumor."
"I've been feeling her heartbeat for a month and a half months," said Jim. "I'll dress as a girl or do whatever else it takes. I'm solely responsible for the little life."
Blair went over to them and put his hand right on the baby. "How's the little mother?" Then Blair kissed Jim's cheek. "Jamie, what died on your head? You actually bought that thing? Those hormones are ruining your eye sight."
Jim spoke in the same slight falsetto he had used at the station. "How was your day?"
"I taught two classes to rowdy freshmen and spent the rest of the day as the faculty's pet gopher."
"So you have to insult the hair? We can't all be born with your locks. The wig shop only had a few on display. A nicer one will arrive in ten days and I'm sending the bill to Bianca."
Blair hugged Jim. "You look good except for the football helmet. Megan, I have a stethoscope in my office; hearing is believing."
Jim bent his head down to kiss Blair. "After we eat dinner, Megan and I need to go shopping. I need some dress pants and a dress or two for work."
"And you trust Megan's sense of fashion." Blair led them to his office and opened the door. "Salad for you at dinner or you'll grow out of your new clothes." He handed Megan the stethoscope.
Jim placed the stethoscope in the best location then listened for himself and handed it to her.
"Oh my God. I can hear it." Megan dropped the stethoscope. "Jamie, you're going to be a mother. How did this happen and don't tell me the usual way?"
"I blackmailed a researcher into implanting an embryo inside me," Jim confessed.
"Any embryo?" Megan had to ask.
"Dr. Hogan needed volunteers to test medicine to prevent miscarriage. I told her I would do it if she couldn't get enough female volunteers. Ms. Right-to-Life over here went into convulsions when I said I was going to abort the embryo in three months. One minute we are talking hypothetical: the next Jim's on hormones."
"Jimbo plowed in without thinking like usual," Megan said.
"She's growing inside me. I can't be that heartless. He would have aborted his own kid," Jim said.
"And you're so much more moral than I."
"I have very strong beliefs about right and wrong. Abortion is wrong. You wouldn't be here in your mother believed in abortion."
"Just because I'm the byproduct of an unwanted pregnancy doesn't mean I have to be pro-life."
"You wouldn't be here."
"I wouldn't be here to argue with you and you wouldn't have that fetus inside you."
"As long as she's healthy, she stays."
"You're a man. You don't have a womb. That fetus could rip your insides apart?" Blair scratched his chin. "About a month after she started taking hormones, Jamie starts showing me her curves and telling me how exciting it was to have breasts."
"I can't picture James Ellison being excited about breasts." Megan started to quiver and nearly fell on the ground laughing. "Breasts. I thought one of the things Jim liked about Carolyn was that she's built like a boy. When have you ever liked breasts?"
Jim didn't know what to say about that. As a gay man, he had very little interest in breasts or other parts of the female body. He knew that marrying Carolyn was a mistake but they got along so well that he thought that her sex wouldn't matter. He definitely thought anything more than a mouthful was a waste. "Never," Jim admitted. "I don't want talk about it."
"Do you have a name for her?" Megan asked.
"Not yet," Jim said.
"Sandy, Jamie," Megan shouted, trying to control the laughter. "Let's not fight the whole way to the mall."
"I'll have my daughter without you," Jim said.
"She's my daughter. One paternity test and you get nothing." Blair left the office and walked down the hall.
Megan went after him. "Apologize to Jamie. He's -." More laughter. "She's hurting enough."
Blair hugged Jim. "I shouldn't have said that. I know this isn't easy for you."
"I'm having your baby," Jim whispered.
"I'm sorry." Blair kissed Jim's cheek and took his hand.
Jim removed the wig, put the bandana back on his head then looked at Megan as they returned to the car. "Maybe Sandy should follow us. It'll give him a chance to cool down."
"Better." Jim put the wig in the back seat.
"Don't forget the rat. It may multiple." Megan laughed.
"I'm wearing it to work tomorrow."
"It says Jewish grandmother. I'm surprised Blair didn't call you 'Bubbe'."
Jim took out some lipstick and looked in his compact. "Blair will probably order for me."
"He wants the best for you and the baby."
"I feel like an incubator." Jim finished with the lipstick and powdered his face.
Megan was laughing so hard she was nearly crying. "This obviously very important to you." She let a few more giggles before closing her mouth and focusing on her driving.
"I can't stop a beating heart. Once the embryo was implanted I was in for the long haul. She's there. I hear her every second of the day. How could Blair ask me to murder her?"
"He's afraid you'll die."
"There was another volunteer willing to carry to term. The placenta ripped; she nearly hemorrhaged to death. Blair has been on pins and needles ever since."
"He's worried about you."
"I'm monitoring the placenta constantly. If there is the smallest tear, I'll know."
Megan and Jim met Blair at the steakhouse inside the mall. Jim ordered a potato and a petite steak then ate the potato first under Blair's watchful eye. After eating, Megan and Blair helped Jim pick out more maternity clothes. Megan got two pairs of queen sized pantyhose. "To go with the dress."
Jim ended up buying a fourth bra, two pairs of dress slacks, a sweater, the pantyhose and one dress. "We need to buy dress shoes."
"They sell women's shoes in Jamie's size?" asked Blair.
"Not everyone has your tiny feet." Jim remembered that Blair brought his red shoes at Pay Less when he dressed up one Halloween as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz.
Blair looked up at Jim. "You don't complain when you are sucking on my toes."
Megan said, "The large women's store should sell your size."
Blair kissed Jim's cheek. "I'll leave you two women to your shopping. Megan, make sure Jamie doesn't carry any heavy bags."
---
When Jim brought his bags home, Blair was already asleep upstairs. "Chief, I know you're angry with me." Jim stroked Blair's curls.
"No, Darling," Blair moaned.
"You hate the way I look." Jim undressed for bed.
"I think you're beautiful."
"You threatened to kill my wig tonight."
"Megan did."
"When she mentioned it in the restaurant, you agreed with her and were discussing if drowning or rat poison would work best."
"Neither, I've been poisoned and drowned and I'm still here. Come to bed." Blair raised the covers.
---
Jim woke up early to shower and shaved his legs, happy for a sentinel's touch. Blair entered the shower after Jim had put down the disposal razor. "My testes are shrunk to the size of prunes." The testosterone blockers were doing their job; he felt like he took a medicine chest of drug every morning. He might not need female hormones when the placenta made its own, but he would need the medicine to prevent rejection, the one to prevent miscarry and the testosterone blockers the whole pregnancy. He couldn't let his daughter be flooded with male hormone.
"They aren't that bad."
"I doubt they'll recover. I've have been peeing sitting down lately."
"You have a dick."
"For what good it does me."
Blair kissed Jim's back. "What do you want from me?"
"Your love. I'm terrified. I have breasts and hips. I look more feminine than poor Heather."
"You're having a baby."
"I need understanding. I love what is happening to me, but, at the same time, I don't think I'm me anymore."
"You sound like a woman." Blair shouldn't have said that. Jim was working very hard on sounding and looking like a woman.
"Feel me. Show me that you love me."
Blair wrapped his arms around Jim. His dick reached for Jim's hole. Blair pressed close against Jim and whispered, "I want you so bad."
Jim smelled Blair's arousal and turned around in the water to kiss Blair. Jim kissed Blair feeling so fat near the short, slender man. Blair had lost some weight after the drowning and he was still less 150 pounds, dwarfed by Jim's 220. Jim wanted to pick Blair up and bring him to his height but he had promised the doctor that he would pick up nothing heavy. He didn't buy baby furniture the night before; he did look and make mental choices.
Jim toweled off, then joined Blair on their bed. Blair licked and kissed Jim's back. Jim enjoyed the intimate touches although he was no longer becoming sexually aroused. Not exactly, he had more peaks but they weren't as high. It was like every intimate touch was arousing. Jim loved to be caressed and loved caressing Blair. His body felt wonderful as Blair kissed, nibbled and sucked on him. Jim turned to face Blair and after fondling him a moment licked the tip of his penis. Blair's erect penis felt good in his mouth. He loved giving Blair pleasure.
"Can I do that for you?" Blair asked afterwards.
"It only gets a little hard," Jim said embarrassed.
"Jamie, I don't want anything that you can't do. Let me enjoy what you have."
"It's so soft."
"It's still beautiful." Blair went down on Jim.
Blair was right; it did feel good. Jim pulled his legs up. He wanted to see Blair when they made love. He could feel so much when Blair was inside him that he didn't miss ejaculating. He missed it like hell at first, it was over four months and sensory memories fade fast. If women could remember what it felt like to give birth, the species would have died off long ago. Jim was going to have a C-section so he wasn't too concerned about that. What bothered him was that he had forgot what it felt like to ejaculate. He knew it felt good, real good, but that didn't explain the sensation.
After shaving, Jim dressed for work and called Bianca to fax the police department records that she was treating James Ellison with female hormones. As Blair was drinking his coffee, Jim put on the pageboy wig after brushing it to the best of his ability. Recalling what Heather had taught him, he applied his make-up. "Honey, am I passable as a woman?"
"Jamie, don't ask me anything until I drank my algae shake and a cup of coffee."
Jim ate an apple. Fruit first thing in the morning wasn't Jim's idea of breakfast, but Blair and Bianca told him that he had to eat right for the baby. After he threw the apple core in the trash, he took a banana. "Just because when I look in the mirror, I see a woman's face smiling at me doesn't mean I can act like a lady."
"Megan is a bigger macho asshole than you and no one questions her sex. You have been doing great at it. I know you're nervous about cross-dressing. You're the one that wanted to go this route."
"It's better than hiding in a mountain cabin route." Jim didn't need to add that he could be hiding anywhere (Peru, Europe, etc) that no one recognize him and he could stay secluded most of the time. Jim didn't have to put an effort into acting feminine most of the time. It was starting to become second nature, but wearing a dress was going on stage. Everyone would see him now.
Jim hugged and kissed Blair. Placing the shoulder holster on under his jacket, Jim looked in the mirror. His once square jaw was rounder but that was probably due more too many buttermilk donuts. He had a slight double chin, but it helped hide his Adam's apple. You didn't have to be a sentinel to see Blair's Adam's apple from across the room; Jim's never sticked out that much. Jim put on some lip-gloss.
Blair yelled, "Darling, remember to put crackers in your purse."
Jim put a travel packet of Saltines in his purse with the make-up, wallet and keys. "Saltines for morning sickness. Chief, I don't know what I would do without you."
"Jamie, if I didn't know you as Jim Ellison, I would have think you have been a woman all your life. Your behavior is perfect and I'm not saying that because I'm your husband." Blair refilled his coffee. "Too perfect."
Jim spent half the morning getting a new ID made. Henri whistled when Jim walked to his desk.
"Nice legs," said Henri.
"Thank you." Jim blushed. Those stupid hormones, again.
"Ellison, Conner, there was been another home invasion. Conner, I trust you can fill Ellison in on the details," Simon bellowed.
"Yes, sir," said Conner.
"No discussing make-up hints because Ellison decided to get in touch with her feminine side," Simon shouted.
"I didn't know he had one," Rafe said. Jim gave Rafe a smug look and picked up his purse.
"Ellison, we'll go in my car," said Conner. "How are you holding up?"
"Fine," said Jim. "Brown whistled at my legs."
Jim looked at the site of the break-in, a middle class house in a nice neighborhood. After surveying the damage, he spoke to Cassie Wells of forensics as they gathered evidence. Cassie asked, "Are you new to the department?"
"No, I've worked for CPD for almost ten years," said Jim.
"I don't recall a Jamie Ellison, and I make it a point to get to know everyone."
"You were too busy not dating Sandburg to notice me. Thanks to your friend, Chapel, we're still finding bullet holes in the loft."
"James Ellison, is this some sort of perverse joke?" Cassie handed Jim another bag, squatting not to get broken glass in her legs. Cassie had on a shorter skirt than Jim and the carpet was littered with glass shards.
"We have evidence to label." Jim kneeled on the glass-covered carpet without bunching up the skirt or getting the skirt in his way as he carefully picked up a shard. "This one has a fingerprint."
Cassie put it in a bag. "Most likely from the owner's child. They probably broke the windows, breakfront and television with baseball bats or hockey sticks." She went over to dust the breakfront for fingerprints. "I never expected to see James Ellison in a dress."
"Jamie Ellison." Jim looked over the stereo system for fingerprints and dusted the ones he found for Cassie to collect later. "Captain Banks wouldn't let me work in woman's clothes without a doctor's note and Human Resources' approval. I was so angry at Banks that I told him to call me Mrs. Sandburg."
"You didn't," Cassie whispered as she collected and label the fingerprints Jim found. The invaders seemed more interested in breaking windows and furniture and the thief seemed a side issue. Megan was getting the list of items stolen: Italian silverware, stereo equipment, expensive china and an antique gold bracelet. The robbers seemed to taken pleasure out of breaking a television too heavy to move.
"The first day I wear a dress and I have to collect evident in a house buried under broken glass."
"Mrs. Sandburg." Cassie laughed. "That must have gone over well."
"I was in a 'Janet, Miss Jackson if you're nasty', mood," explained Jim, trying to squat in a less glass-covered spot.
"I'll wheeze in his direction and make him feel guilty."
Conner said to the lady of the house. "That's all I need for now. I'll call if I need more."
"I hope you catch those guys. That bracelet was my great-grandmother's," said the lady.
Cassie was packing up her forensics equipment and Jim was handing her the last of the evidence bags. Megan huffed. "Are you ladies done chit-chatting?"
Jim stood up. "Conner, go back to the station. I'll help Wells get the evidence to her van."
While driving back, Cassie asked, "How is Blair dealing with the new you?"
"A faggot's worse nightmare, finding a woman in his bed."
Cassie looked at Jim's crotch.
"They're still there, but my testicles look like prunes and my dick is on permanent vacation. Sandburg isn't real comfortable with his once male lover needing a bra."
"Then he hasn't popped the question?"
"No, but Banks doesn't need to know that." Jim smiled an evil grin.
"Jim Ellison, I watched you collect evidence. You undercutted my fingerprinting by dusting the prints then let me collect them. You didn't go at me with a jackhammer. You've been acting strangely for months and I tried not to notice it. Have you been going to finishing school at night?"
"I'm a transsexual, not a drag queen." Jim put his hand on his chest above his bosom.
"It would be funny if Jim Ellison was wearing a dress and looked like a bozo, but you go in a glass covered house, don't get glass on yourself or your clothes and manage to hold yourself like a lady. I feel like I entered a bad episode of The Twilight Zone."
"I'm glad you find it amusing." Jim smiled at her.
"James Ellison, do you expect me to believe that you woke up one morning and decided that you wanted to live the rest of your life as a woman?"
"It wasn't an overnight decision." Actually, he had decided it at lunch, but that was beside the point. He needed to play the game. He didn't want television reporters and press agents surrounding him. Cassie, hopefully, would fall for psycho-babble. "Heather says that men who act as macho as I did are hiding something. It hasn't been easy for me to hold my head up high in front of my co-workers."
After helping in forensics, Jim went over the statement with Megan. The same robbers committed another home invasion two blocks away. From the descriptions and physical evidence they were probably high school boys. Juvie and no jail time. Jim, finally, sat at his desk and put his feet up. He had read in one of his pregnancy books, not to take his shoes off because his feet would swell and he wouldn't be able to get his shoes back on. At least, he bought a pair of comfortable loafers. Pregnant women did not climb ladders or wear high heel shoes.
The baby's heartbeat was reassuring but he couldn't let himself zone on it. He needed to find out who those boys were and stop them from striking, again. That was Cassie and the other people in forensics problem. If he wanted Cassie to stop playing cop, he would have to stop playing forensic scientist or do it in a less overbearing way.
"Ellison," said Rafe.
"Yes." Jim sat up in his chair. "Get all your stupid remarks out of your system. We need to work together."
Rafe swallowed by the spit forming in his mouth. "Ellison, you're the last person I expected to see in a dress, not that you don't have the legs for it."
"I'm glad you appreciate the legs. Conner thought I'd look good in a middle length skirt. I'm not all that fond of pantyhose. It's like being wrapped in plastic." Jim got up from his chair, grabbed his purse and walked to the women's room. He sat on the seat in the lounge to remove his stockings. Why did women's rooms have lounges and men's rooms didn't? Not that the single chair in the police station women's room counted as a lounge. He put the pantyhose in his purse. Better, he wasn't leftover chicken. After Jim got back to his desk, he rubbed his lower thighs and calves. "My legs can breath, again. Medieval torture device."
Rafe said, "Do you have to touch your legs like that?"
"Am I turning you on?" Jim lowered his eyelids and glanced in Rafe's direction. Obviously, Rafe didn't get the Quantum Leap reference. Sam Beckett called stockings and high heel shoes medieval torture devices in an episode that Sam Beckett leaped into a woman. Horrible part was that Jim hadn't leaped into a pregnant woman's body; all the morning sickness belonged to him.
"Why?" asked Rafe.
"Mid-life crisis," said Jim. "I'm hitting forty next year. Why not go on female hormones and mess up my body chemistry?"
"No bad back," said Rafe.
"Hernia. No bad back. I figured if I stopped exercising your boobs wouldn't notice my female curves."
Rafe briefly glanced at Ellison's chest.
"Boobs was a bad word choice," said Jim. "Yes, Rafe. They're real, no stuffing or silicon."
Rafe went to his desk. Jim closed the file he was working on and went over to Rafe's desk.
Jim said, "If I didn't want men to notice them, I wouldn't have on a low-cut dress. Enjoy the view. I probably won't wear this dress again until I need to go to court."
"You're going to wear a dress in court?" asked Rafe.
"Matthews from Narcotics went from being Hank to Heather overnight. My good wig will arrive before I need to go to court," Jim explained.
"Good wig?"
"I could style my hair or wear a scarf, but right now I'm more comfortable with a wig."
Joel came over.
Henri whispered to Rafe, "When I whistled at her this morning, I didn't know it was Ellison. He moves like he has been wearing dresses all his life. When was Jim replaced female android replicate?"
"I'm in shock myself," Rafe whispered back. "I think it was three or four months ago, but I'm not sure of the date."
"Joel, you can gawk, too," said Jim. And, yes I can hear you.
Joel said through the laughter. "Jimmy, you aren't a bad looking for a big girl."
"Jamie," said Jim. "Jamie Ellison." Listen to the beautiful baby and ignore the idiots, remembering the mantras Blair taught him. Blair's tended to be things like "I'm relaxed. I'm calm." His hand slipped down to his lower abdomen. That baby was kicking again. Devin Sandburg had a nice sound to it. He would ask Blair what he thought of the name.
Devin moved inside him. He could tell by forming a mental picture based on the waves in the amniotic fluid that she was sucking her thumb. She was doing well under protective layers of fat. It wasn't the walls of a uterus, but Jim was well aware that this was an entopic pregnancy and quote not viable.
Megan tapped his shoulder. "Cassie has some leads for us to chase down. No daydreaming. We have crooks to stop."
---
After mall called about the wig, Jim was shown how to adjust it. He returned to work. The boys were caught and in their parents' custody awaiting a hearing. So much for justice. Jim called his father about visiting. "Dad, Blair and I have some news we have to discuss in person."
"Sure, come over for Sunday dinner," William Ellison said.
"We could go out for dinner," Jim suggested.
"Nonsense. Sally loves to cook," William said.
Jim didn't want to deprive Sally of one of the little joys in life. Sunday was only a day away. He didn't know what he would wear. Monday, he had an ultra-sound. Everyone would have real proof that James Ellison was pregnant. He could cancel the ultra-sound. Bianca said that no one would know. Besides, they were doing it out of town; what could go wrong? Blair would meet him there. With Blair there, most likely they would get held up or kidnapped.
Blair looked at Jim in his sweats lying on the sofa Sunday afternoon. "You're going dressed like that."
"I'll put on a blouse and jeans," Jim said. "And my new wig."
"Your father will be wearing a three piece suit."
"His problem. I'm not dressing up. You're not wearing your one suit to impress my dad."
"Lately, Jim, don't know what to say to you?"
"I'm still me. Conner is teasing me about how feminine I am."
"You are. Your father is going to freak."
"It was bad enough that I answered the phone with a higher pitched voice and had to lower it. Chief, am I really that woman that I see in the mirror?"
"Reality is tricky question. Philosophers have argued the nature of reality since the beginning of time. Who do you feel you are?"
"I don't know. My life is moving too fast and I don't find the time to catch up. I sit at my desk many times mesmerized by the life that is growing inside me. It's a shame that not all pregnant women are sentinels. I can easily zone on the wonder of it all."
"So you see yourself as a woman."
"I suppose. It's hard to see myself as a man when I feel the baby inside me every second of the day. Everyone else that I know that is pregnant is female what other points of reference do I have?"
"Do you like what you see in the mirror?" Blair sat down next to him on the sofa and put his hand on Jim's shoulder.
"Yeah. I know I'm not beautiful, but I really like all that is happening to me. I wasn't making a perverse joke when I tell you that I find this all amazing and exciting. Do you like what you see?"
"I'm getting used to it. Jamie, I want to share your joy, but I fear for your life."
"Chief, many women risk their lives to have a baby."
"But you're not a woman."
"At this moment, that's debatable. Heather considers herself a woman and I have more curves than she does. Since I'm empathic due to my senses, I can adjust my behavior for the situation. I behave more lady-like than most ladies."
"That takes us back to the original question. What is real?" Blair stroked Jim's cheek.
"It's a matter of perception. The guys at the station were making fun of me gaining weight and eating bad pizza and two days later, they're whistling at my legs and gawking at my breasts." The guys at the station had seen the changes in Jim's behavior or that he had curves now where he used to have a hard masculine body, but as long as he dressed as a man they could pretend that they didn't see it. They knew Jim was a sentinel after the dissentation fiasco and wouldn't talk about Jim's body or behavior changing anywhere Jim could have the remote possiblity of overhearing.
"You have nice legs and breasts," Blair teased.
Jim kissed Blair."Thank you for finally noticing. You hate what I have done to my body."
"No, Jamie. I love that you love me so much that you want my baby and you're willing to risk your life for it. I love your devotion to your morals. It's easy to say you're pro-life, but it's another matter to risk your life for an unborn child." Blair wrapped his arms around Jim and kissed him deeply.
---
When they arrived at Mr. Ellison's house, Sally opened the door. "Blair, Jimmy, come in."
Jim hugged Sally. "It's good to see you."
"You're gaining a bit of weight," Sally remarked.
"Blair has the diet police after me," said Jim.
William joined Jim and Blair in the parlor. "Jimmy, I don't find this funny."
"I'm wearing a sweater and jeans and my hair is shorter than Blair's." Jim was wearing an expensive wig, but Daddy didn't need to know that. He also wanted to see if his father would notice since the wig matched his natural hair color. Jim crossed his legs in a lady-life fashion. It was the first time that Jim saw his father since he started hormones and made a deliberate change in his behavior.
"I don't know what kind of point you're trying to make," William said.
"None. I'm not playing a game." Jim pitched his voice the same as he did at work and put his hand on his chin. He needed to shave better he said to himself as he felt a few hairs.
"Your face?"
"A close shave and moisturizer," Jim said. He didn't need to say that female hormones had changed the texture of his skin."I'm not wearing make-up."
"Jimmy, you look like a woman." William stated the obvious.
"I'm four months pregnant. If you put your head against my belly, you can hear her heartbeat." Jim crossed his hands in his lap.
"Sandburg, what do you have to do with this?"
"A friend of mine is doing illegal fertility research and your Jimmy took a moral stand against abortion," Blair said.
"You expects me to believe that you're pregnant," William snickered.
"Dad, would you like to come to the hospital for the ultra-sound?" Blair asked. "I could go to the next one."
"Listen to her heartbeat yourself," Jim said. "I've been hearing it since her heart started beating. I couldn't stop a beating heart. Daddy, I'd like you to be there tomorrow."
"Tell me that you're joking." William walked to the bar and made himself a martini. "Blair, would you like something to drink?"
"Gin and tonic. Jamie, you can have one if you want? It isn't likely that one drink will harm the baby," Blair said.
"I rather have a club soda."
William watched Jim walk from the parlor to the dining room holding his soda. "You move like a woman."
"Having hips does that to a person." Jim took his father's hand and placed it over the baby. "She just gave me a good one. She's going to be a football player like her mommy."
"Her mommy?" William didn't move his hand.
"I'm not her bio-mom. Dr. Hogan used a donated egg."
"And the sperm is donated, too?" asked William. "This child is no more related to you than an adopted child."
Blair spoke softly. "I donated the sperm. We were planning on destroying all the embryos when I gave my sperm. Who knew Jamie would insist on carrying my child to term?"
"It's a child now," said Jim triumphantly.
William felt something move. "That's a baby. My Jimmy is pregnant. I need another drink." William downed his martini and made another one. "So are you going to make an honest woman out of her?"
"Dad, we can't get married. I'm on hormones; I haven't had sexual reassignment surgery. Legally, I'm a man."
"You're pregnant. That makes you a woman." William gagged on his drink.
"You can't argue with his logic." Blair got on one knee. "Jamie, will you marry me?"
"Yes." Jim hugged and kissed him. "You need to eat more. You feel so small when I hold you."
"They work me to death at the university," Blair said.
"I'm male on my ID. By the time, we argued the issue in court, I'll not longer be pregnant."
"No. You go there with positive proof of pregnancy the problem will be fixed in 2 hours tops, and they'll apologize for taking so long to do it," William said.
"I went to public school. I spent four years in college. I was in the military for God's sake. There is no way I didn't know my sex." Jim started laughing.
"The vital statistic people are clueless morons." William downed his third martini.
"We'll go to courthouse in two weeks," Blair said. "I'll buy you a ring tomorrow."
"Dad, you know law. If I return to being a man, do I lose all my rights to her?" Jim asked.
"You're the mother as long as no one challenges you," Blair said.
"It's a donor egg; the donor was given fertility drugs, her eggs were harvested, she was paid and sent on her way," Jim said.
"Do you know anything about her?" William asked.
"Blonde, thirty at the time of conception, 5' 8". She has blue eyes. We thought figured that was important since we both have blue eyes. She has to be in good health. They give you a physical and make you fill out forms about your medical history. She knows all her grandparents and they're still alive. That is about it," Blair said.
"I had to practically sit on Bianca for that much," Jim said.
"Jimmy, talk to a lawyer. You should have seen a lawyer before doing this," William said.
"If I saw a lawyer, I would have never done this." Jim sighed. "Excuse me. I have to use the powder room." Jim stretched his legs a moment before heading to the bathroom.
William was saying grace as Jim entered the dining room. Jim's father hadn't said grace since Jim and Stevie were children. "In the name of the Father, the Son and Holy Ghost. Amen."
"Amen," Jim repeated, sat down in his chair and reached for the dressing for the salad.
"Watch the calories. The doctor says that the little mother needs to watch her weight?" Blair teased.
"Little. This little woman should sit on you." Jim put the dressing on the salad.
"Your doctor doesn't want you to gain more than a pound a month until the seventh month," Blair said.
"My doctor isn't having the baby," Jim said. "I've always kept my weight under control by exercise and she tells me I can't do weight bearing activities."
"This isn't dinner talk," Blair said.
"You brought it up," Jim said.
Sally said, "Let's enjoy the meal." Sally had served the pie. She continued. "I don't think Jimmy's weight is an issue. I had three Cesareans and I was never a petite woman. Mr. Sandburg, you have no right to frighten her." Sally patted Jim's hand. "Dear, have another slice of pie. Those doctors like to frighten larger women. Pay it no mind. Do you feel healthy?"
"Fantastic. I'm no longer on hormones so my moody swings have ended," Jim said.
"What do you mean that you're no longer on hormones?" William asked spitting out his pie onto his napkin.
"The baby makes her own. All I'm taking is medicine to keep the placenta in place and to prevent my body from thinking the baby is foreign matter."
"You aren't on hormones." William repeated like he couldn't believe it.
"No. I stopped taking them this week. The baby is making enough on her own to maintain the pregnancy," Jim said.
Blair leaned into Jim's arms of the sofa after the meal. "Honey, I worry about you. The other volunteer willing to go to term was only twenty-four. She nearly died during the fifth month. You haven't entered your fifth month."
"She insisted on meeting me. She wanted to talk me out it. She's fragile. I have abdominal muscles like nobody's business. I can do over a hundred sit-ups. I can hold a baby in a place," Jim said.
"She's probably right. Smaller women have more trouble with birthing babies," Sally said.
"Bianca will have to cut through my fat. I'm not starving the next five months."
"Just eat eight servings of fruit and vegetables before eating junk food," Blair suggested as he cuddled Jim. "The American Heart Association recommends that."
Jim pulled Blair's head into his bosom. "I'll eat healthy food first. Bianca won't give me a prescription for prenatal vitamins."
Sally brought out coffee. "I agree with that. Healthy food is better for you than vitamin pills. Jimmy, you're really pregnant."
"If you listen, you can hear her heartbeat. I spoke to Carolyn about having children and she wanted to wait. Blair and I never spoke about it. I don't think I would be in this condition if I thought it through," Jim admitted. Jim listened to his food digested and filtered the sounds of his body until he heard the flutter of his baby's heart. Jim held Blair close to him.
Blair sat up. "It isn't that your breast don't feel nice, but I would like to drink my coffee."
"You didn't think it through," William said.
"I figured that female hormones would do nothing to super macho James Ellison. We have all seen transsexuals that still look like men. Now, I look in the mirror and see a large woman and I'm not even on hormones," Jim stated.
Sally laughed, "Do you like being pregnant?"
"I do. I like the changes in my body. I like feeling her move inside me. Blair doesn't seem to understand."
"He's a man."
"So was I. Sally, did you like being pregnant?"
"I loved feeling my babies grow inside me. I didn't show. Many fat women don't gain weight while pregnant."
"Why did you need C-sections?" Jim walked over to the kitchen with Sally.
"My first was born that way. He was transverse and the doctor couldn't turn him. The rest had to be Cesarean."
"Sally, do you think I'm crazy?"
"Someone has to be the first."
"If I can hold an entopic pregnancy, other women without a womb or a misshapen one will be able to have children. This is important research."
"I'm sure that you'll make many women happy."
"By carrying this child full-term, other women will know that the risk is worth taking."
"How long do you think it will take to have the drug on the market?"
"I don't know. The university is paying all my maternity expenses outside of clothes and food. Although the doctor was against me going full-term, she is praying that I'm successful."
Sally kissed Jim's cheek. "I'm not going to tell you that you're pretty."
"I usually wear make-up."
"What will happen after the baby is born?"
"I don't know. I'm just trying to get through next five months. I plan to take off the next two years or more to raise her. I have a few rental properties and Blair is a teacher. We'll manage. Sally, you don't risk your life to have a baby so you can put her in daycare. I want to go back to police work, but who knows what tomorrow brings."
"You're doing very well. Let Blair spoil you from time-to-time. I didn't let my husband do the little things for me and I regretted it."
---
Jim met Heather after William left him at the hospital. "So do you have baby pictures," Heather asked hugging Jim in the hospital parking lot.
"We can go to a restaurant and look at them," Jim said. "Are you going to talk to Bianca if I have a healthy daughter?"
"Craig is against it. He's worried he'll lose me."
"I thought you said that Craig didn't want to date you because he always wanted to have children," Jim said taking her hand. "We can walk to a deli near the hospital or drive to a nicer restaurant."
"I love this Chinese buffet. They do a great lunch buffet. Don't go there for dinner," Heather said.
"I'll follow you there. We can talk at the restaurant," Jim said.
Heather hugged Jim fiercely at the restaurant. "I can't believe it." She looked at the ultra-sound pictures. "How did it go?"
"I wanted to pee the whole time. They made me drink a quart of water before and they made me wait an hour. My father and I stared at each other in the hospital hallway. When he saw the baby on the screen, he squeezed my hand and his legs nearly went out from under him. I thought he was going to have a stroke on the spot."
"So did your father say anything?" Heather asked.
"Not much. He said 'Jimmy' over and over again," Jim said. "Then, I said, 'Yes, Dad,' to reassure him. It was a weird situation. Maybe I shouldn't have taken him. Bianca wouldn't let a technician in the room, which was good considering my prostate gland showed up on one of the negatives. She took all negatives back to the University so there wouldn't be a leak to the media."
"Jamie, you're holding up very well."
"I don't feel that way. The men at the office treat me like persona non gratis. Simon put me on light duty. I have a note from the doctor that I have a hernia. I couldn't admit to police department that I'm the first male-female transsexual to be pregnant. Heather, I'm hogging the conversation again."
"You need to talk," Heather said.
The hostess said, "Ladies, I have a table for you. The buffet is all you can eat. A waitress will be at your table for your drink order."
"Thank you," Heather said as she sat down.
Jim went to the buffet and loaded up on salad. "Heather, I feel like I'm talking your ear off."
"I don't mind. Jamie, you called yourself transsexual."
"My father nearly put a shotgun to Blair's head to marry me. Blair says he's buying a ring today. It feels like life is going too fast and I have no control."
"Do you love Blair?"
"More than anything. He means the world to me."
"So are you going to marry him?"
"Yes. My father says just to show up pregnant at the courthouse and judge will marry us the same day. Waiting periods are waived all the time and, if it isn't, we'll come back in forty-eight hours." Jim started eating. "Get some food."
"You're the one eating for two." Heather returned with her plate piled high with food. "I remembered when I first started taking hormones. I was afraid to eat. I heard that estrogen makes you fat and I was afraid I would blow up like a balloon. My doctor told me that was nonsense and to eat like I always had."
"I blew up because I stopped exercising. Once I have the baby, I'll go back to the gym. I'll have my old body back in no time. Have you talked about me with Craig?"
"Some. He thinks it isn't worth the risk. He might change his mind when he sees your baby."
"You know everything about me. Tell me about Craig."
"He's a stockbroker. He's a few years older than me. He treats me like a princess. There isn't much to say."
"Are you going to get married?"
"He hasn't asked. He feels strange about knowing that I was a man."
Jim went up the buffet and got more food. "You must have a picture."
Heather handed Jim a picture of a tall, blond man of medium build.
"He's gorgeous. I'm happy for you. Heather, I had this epiphany at the mall." Jim handed her back the photograph.
"When you were crying?" Heather asked.
"I really saw myself. I can't go back to who I was. My father knew when he insisted that Blair marry me. I wonder if I'm kidding myself about returning to the police force one day."
"Why?"
"Life has the tendency to get in the way. Blair is working on a new dissertation under another PhD. Rainier is piling it higher and deeper, but he's a trooper. He tries to smile although he's doing other people's shit work to get his PhD. So did the men at the station treat you like shit when you started cross-dressing?"
"They act like looking at you will make their dicks fall off. You have to show them that you're bigger than them. Telling people that I always felt like a woman is cliché. I've told you this all before. You have to do what you feel is right for you. I was on hormones two years before I could afford surgery."
"I intend to stay as I am after the baby is born. I think I messed up my body enough for one lifetime. I know why you did what you did, but that isn't the choice for me." Jim was going to relearn how to act like a man once he had the baby. He was only acting like a woman so people would see a fat transsexual, not a pregnant man. He told Heather that why did she talk to him like he was a transsexual, not a pregnant man not wanting a hundred cameras on him, watching his every move. Jim would wean his body from female hormones as soon as baby was born and hoped to have his buff, masculine body back a month or two later.
"Jamie, you're a very brave woman. I don't think I would have your courage."
"Someone has to be first." Jim took another bite of food then put his hand over his belly to feel the baby move. Sally had told him that last night.
---
Jim brought an off-white maternity dress at the bridal shop. The lady fitted him while he wore underwear and a slip. "You're a big girl."
"I went on fertility medicine to get pregnant and gave fifteen pounds the two months prior to getting pregnant," Jim said. "The doctor includes those fifteen pounds in my pregnancy weight gain. I think she says it just to bug me."
"How far along are you?"
"Five months," Jim said. "My honey and I have been living together for almost five years. Now, that he doesn't want our baby born without us having a marriage license. I don't see the point myself."
"I think it's romantic," the lady fitting his dress said. "Are you having a big wedding?"
"Five months pregnant and after living with him for five years, you must be kidding. We're going to Vegas to one of those wedding chapels." Jim and Blair couldn't marry locally because everyone in the court system knew Detective James Ellison.
"Have a good time," the lady said. "Your dress should be done in two days. Call first."
"I will." After the woman finished fitting the wedding dress, Jim returned to wearing the dress that he wore to the bridal shop. Pantyhose still felt like plastic wrap, but it was part of the price for beauty.
---
Jim met Blair at Hargrove Hall. "Honey, would you like to join me for a late lunch?"
"I have office hours." Blair briefly kissed Jim then ran to his office.
Jim was glad for flats, but running after Blair in a dress wasn't as easy as he thought. He never knew how could such a small man run so fast carrying close to fifty pounds of books. Jim finally reached Blair's office. "I ordered a dress. I want our wedding video taped so Devin will see that her father married her mother."
"Jamie, are you going to return being that arrogant asshole that I fell in love with?" Blair asked as he kicked off his shoes in his little office.
"I don't know." Jim sat down like any other woman wearing a knee-length dress.. This was the fifth or sixth time that Jim wore a dress and he had watched women since the first time so he would know how to sit down in one. Jim was amazed how effortless it was for him to act feminine. He expected it to become habit, but at the same time, it was frightening to see how a new personality seemed to form in the place of the old one. "I want my hard body back but I don't know how much of my personality will change. I like Jamie more than I liked old James Ellison."
"She's easier to live with." Blair teased. "This isn't an act."
"I learned new behaviors. This isn't an act to fool a few crooks when I'm undercover. I don't become a different person when I go home at night."
"I have noticed that. You can admit that you're confused."
"I'm not." Jim didn't feel confused, sitting in Blair's office in a maternity dress, pantyhose and size thirteen patented 'leather' shoes. Jim folded his hands over his size 40B chest. Jim took out his mirror from his purse and checked to see if his wig was on properly. After seeing that the wig was straight, he reapplied his make-up. He moved his legs a little then crossed his legs.
"Do you know how feminine you appear?" Blair asked.
"I'm good at picking up other people's emotions. When I'm not around people that know me, all people see is a large woman. Blair, it's necessary. It wouldn't be good for me or the baby to be dodging the press."
"Jim, it doesn't look like an act. You look completely a home dressed as a woman."
"Chief, I don't want to look like a drag queen." Jim had this conversation with Blair before. He needed to be convincing as a woman. A transsexual believed that they were born the wrong sex and would act appropriately. He knew that it upset Blair to see his blessed protector in a dress and stockings. Jim couldn't be convincing as a woman unless he did feminine behaviors 24/7.
"Jamie, you're so convincing as a woman that people will be surprised when you return to dressing like a man."
"So." Jim puckered his lips and applied lipstick. Jim walked to the lady's room. He saw the tall, heavy woman in an expensive maternity dress. The blue and black dress was styled so well that no one could see it was a maternity dress, making it appropriate at court. He couldn't let anyone see that he had a bun in the oven.
---
Jim resigned from his job in his seventh month of pregnancy. Since the university was covering the pregnancy and childbirth, Mrs. Sandburg didn't have go on Professor Sandburg's insurance. Once Devin was born, she would be covered. Jim wasn't thrilled to be confined to bed rest, but it was for little Devin. Also his list of books on childcare was growing and he could use the reading time.
Blair said he had something special planned for today. Didn't he know you couldn't keep secrets from sentinels? Blair and Simon had placed the crib Jim had been eyeing in Blair's old room. Blair kissed Jim. "The baby is now past the danger zone. You can deliver anytime. The longer you can maintain toward thirty-eight weeks the better."
Simon said, "Blair says you need to stay home to hatch."
"I won't hatch. I'll have to be cracked open to get the baby out. No birth canal," Jim explained. "Dr. Hogan fears that the placenta will detach and kill me."
"That's why she wants Jamie on bed rest," said Blair. "I've a few errands to run. Anything you want for the store."
"Pickles and ice cream," said Jim.
"You're teasing," said Simon.
"I had to say that once." Jim sat in his therapeutic chair and started reading Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care - Revised and Updated 7th Edition. Blair said Jim could sit in the chair because it supported his back and had message. It was probably better for him than lying in a bed all the time.
Blair kissed Jim good-bye and left with Simon. A few hours later, Blair and Megan returned with a cake with a picture of a stork and baby booties. Blair and Megan put up pink and blue streamers and put out a couple wrapped presents and added a stroller, mobile and baby blankets to the crib. Blair whispered to Megan. "Devin will survive from this point forward. However, the quicker the baby is out of Jamie the better I'll sleep at night."
Jim yelled, "I heard that!"
Heather arrived a few minutes later and kissed Jim's cheek. "Two guests isn't much of a baby shower, but you wanted no one to know about your pregnancy."
When Jim hugged Heather, his belly bumped into her. "Bianca and Sally will be arriving."
"With only two guests and your husband, we can't do party games. Heather and I don't have children, so we can't tell you horror stories about late night feedings and diaper rash," Megan said. "It's your party. What do you want to do?"
"Play poker?" said Blair.
"It's not your party, besides you'll walk off with all the winnings," said Jim.
"What is mine is yours," said Blair.
"I don't want your pretzels or peanuts," said Jim.
"Rummy then," Megan suggested.
Jim got up to get the cards. "Sit," said Heather. "You're the guest of honor. Let Mr. Sandburg get the cards."
Sally and someone else were in the hallway. The other person was wearing the same perfume that Cassie wore the last day Jim worked. That perfume was fairly popular, so that proved nothing. When the doorbell rang, Blair insisted on getting it.
Cassie put her foot in the door while Blair invited Sally in. Sally put down her gift and ice cream to hug Jim. Although Blair was blocking the doorway, Cassie could see the pink and blue streamers and the cake. "This is a private party," explained Blair.
Megan said, "Let her in. Ms. Wells can keep a secret. Crocodile Dundee has nothing on me."
Cassie came in and sat down. "Megan, when is the blessed event?"
"What the fuck are you talking about?" asked Megan.
"Sally is over sixty and no one else in this room, appearances aside, is biologically female. The stroller, the cake, the presents," said Cassie. "I'm a forensic scientist. I can spot baby shower."
"The guest isn't here, yet," said Blair.
"Conner is awful defensive." Cassie lowered her voice to nearly a whisper. "And she has been very secretive lately."
Jim turned up the message feature of therapeutic chair. The baby was lying on his intestines. He took back what he said about football player; this kid would play soccer. "Cassie, I'm planning to go to school to take forensics. I've been ragging you for playing cop when I was doing your job."
"You think apologize and it's all better," Cassie exclaimed. "This is a joke. You're the most woman-hating SOB I know and now you are woman. You don't even like women."
"I don't hate women," Jim said. "I don't understand them." Jim could read people. He learned the skill for lie detection, but over the years it over-generalized to empathy. Many women appeared to be happy and sad or angry and excited at the same time. Simon would pretend to be happy when he was really angry, but lots of women appeared to be feeling conflicting emotions. Then again, he has been feeling that way a lot lately.
"Leave Mrs. Sandburg alone," said Sally. "She has a lot of her plate right now."
"Mrs. Sandburg." Cassie stamped her feet and started wheezing.
Blair sat her down on the sofa and took her inhaler from her purse. "Jamie and I are married."
Cassie used her inhaler and took some calming breaths. "Two men can't get married."
"Jamie is seven months pregnant," said Blair. "No minister is going to question her sex."
Jim used the lift feature of the chair (It was better than asking for help or fighting his center of gravity to get up.) and walked over to Cassie. Placing a hand on his belly, he said, "She's doing flips in there. She just punched me."
Cassie kept her hand still a moment. "Oh my God."
"Megan said the same thing when she heard the baby's heartbeat," said Jim. "It's pretty awe-inspiring. I can feel her move for hours. She's my little miracle."
"Why?"
"Dr. Hogan was doing research on achieving and maintaining pregnancy without a womb and I wanted to do it out of anger at first, but the more I thought about it, the more I wanted Blair's baby," said Jim. "I can't believe Jim Ellison, macho jerk, is this gushing pregnant lady."
"This you take from us," Cassie shouted.
Jim put his hand on his back. "You could get pregnant your next cycle. I'm taking nothing from you."
Cassie shouted, "Pregnancy is an uniquely female experience."
"Granted," Jim said returning to his therapeutic chair. "I'm not stealing anything. I hope my part in this research will allow more women to experience pregnancy."
Bianca finally arrived at party and hugged Jim. "Another patient needed me," she explained. "Jamie, how you feeling?"
"Large," said Jim. "I feel like I'm carrying a ton of bricks around. Are you sure the baby only weighs five pounds?"
"The amniotic fluid, the additional breast tissue, the fat protecting the baby," said Bianca. "That's at least twelve more pounds. So this is the money stealing wonder?"
"I figured I needed it," said Jim. "Men aren't designed for babies."
"You volunteered."
"Dr. Bianca Hogan, this is Cassie Wells, Megan Conner, and Heather Matthews," Jim said. "I never imagined how much I love what is happening to me. I would never regret this experience if I live to be two hundred. So I'm asking the university to afford me a little comfort. If I succeed in this, many women will reap the benefit."
"I put the paperwork through to get you the chair," Bianca said.
Cassie shook Bianca's hand. "You're the doctor? This is your fault."
"I think Jamie is an improvement over the old Jim Ellison," said Megan. "Someone should have implanted an embryo in Jimbo years ago."
"I agree," said Heather. "I can't believe Jamie and Jim are the same person."
"Wait a second," Jim shouted.
"Jamie," said Blair. "Part of baby and bridal showers is insulting the guest of honor."
Megan laughed. "Celebrity roasts. Honey, you have to sit back and take it. You're the world's first pregnant man. When this gets out, you'll be quite the celebrity."
"I'm legally female." Jim showed his ring. "Sadie, sadie, married lady."
"Jamie is the first pregnant male-to-female transsexual," said Heather. "Get the press release right."
Jim would get them all back later, besides he wouldn't hit a lady, not that Megan was a lady and Heather was only using his own words against him. He drank a sip of water.
"I was hoping you would return to your normal hostile self afterwards," said Bianca. "It would make better press."
"I'm going to be mother," said Jim. "That changes a person."
"Let's get to the cake," said Blair.
"Dr. Hogan?" asked Jim.
"Enjoy," said Bianca. "I'm impressed with your slow steady weight gain."
Blair cut the cake and gave Jim the first slice. "Mrs. Blair Sandburg."
"Thank you, Mr. Blair Sandburg." Jim gave Blair a quick kiss.
---
The due date came and Bianca scheduled the C-section. Bianca had her nurse/anesthesiologist give Jim a spinal because she didn't want anyone other than her people in the delivery room. Bianca delivered Devin. The baby was taken away by the pediatrician to be washed, weighed and measured.
Blair kissed Jim. "You did great."
"I did nothing. I didn't even get to see anything. What's the deal with the screen?"
"Many women don't want to see their insides cut open. It's all cleaned up now. All you will have left is a bikini scar."
After Jim was brought to a single room in maternity, he put on his sweatpants and sweatshirt on. Blair hugged him. "We have a daughter."
"You can have my child the next time," teased Jim.
"No way, man," said Blair.
The nurse rolled in the portable crib with the baby. "She's been weighed, washed and tested. She's yours. You change your mind about rooming in; bring her to the nursery. To pick up the baby, we need to match bracelets." On the crib was Baby Girl Sandburg 8lb 12 oz 21 inches.
After the nurse left, Jim looked at the bracelets on his wrist. "James J. Sandburg," and the other one that said, "Baby Girl Sandburg." When Devin cried, Blair gave her a bottle and sat near Jim on the bed. Jim was tired and wasn't looking forward to the killer headache that usually followed a spinal. His belly was flat and Devin's heartbeat was slower and didn't echo in his bones. "Blair, I want to hold her."
"You held her for nine months," said Blair. "It's my turn."
Jim stuck out his tongue. "You can change her diaper."
Blair handed Jim the baby. "Hold her head."
"I know how to hold her. I'm her mother. Make yourself useful and give me the bottle."
Blair gave Jim the bottle. "Gentle."
Jim rested the baby against his chest and continued to bottle feed her. He had never seen anyone more beautiful, expect possibly for her father. Little Devin had Blair's nose, cheeks and chin. Her hair was a lighter brown than Blair's because her genetic mother was a natural blonde. She had ten toes and ten fingers. Everything about her was perfect.
Naomi visited two hours later. "Where's my grandbaby?"
Jim said, "Hi, Naomi. She's sleeping on my chest."
Blair took the baby from Jim. "Devin, Grandmom."
When the baby cried in Naomi's arm, she handed the baby to Jim. "I think she needs her mother."
"Blair, get me a bottle from the crib." Jim sat up.
"Aren't you going to nurse her?" asked Naomi.
"Blair, get me a bottle," Jim said loudly.
"Breastmilk is best," Naomi said.
"No fucking way." Jim got up to get a bottle from under the portable crib then sat on the side of the hospital bed. After a few sips, Jim burped Devin on his shoulder tapping her lightly. Jim put her back into his arm and gave her more of the bottle. "It feels strange not hearing her inside me. Her heartbeat was constantly there. I was always aware of her."
"I'm sure you'll be a great mother," Naomi said. "So is this a new twist to being a sentinel?"
"No. Other than I'm more sensitive to drugs than other people." Jim showed Naomi his ring. "I'm Mrs. Blair Sandburg. That makes you my mother-in-law."
"It's legal?" Naomi asked.
"Only an idiot would argue a pregnant woman's sex," Blair said.
"See." Jim should her his wristband.
"James J. Sandburg," she said.
"As far as the hospital is concerned, I'm female unless you want a media circus on your hands," Jim said.
"I'll remember that. Does your father know?" Naomi asked.
"He suggested that we get married," Jim said.
"Suggested? He practically held a shotgun to me," Blair said.
"Put her on your breast," Naomi urged.
"Once." Jim pulled off his sweatshirt. "Honey, get me a button down shirt." Jim loosened a nipple from his bra.
"I think you have more than I do," Naomi teased.
"You better be joking." Jim put the blouse on that Blair handed him.
"Jim, it isn't going to go away." Naomi kissed his forehead. "You'll need a double mastectomy to look the way you did."
"Men get some breast development when they're too fat. I can wear a shirt at the pool or gym." Jim put the baby on the breast and she started to suck. Jim smiled. The sensation was incredible. "It feels great."
"The best sensation in the world," Naomi said. "Better than sex."
"I can feel it," Jim said.
"It'll feel better once you have let down and your milk comes in," Naomi explained. "Are you sure about your resignation?"
"It stands. Devin is my only child. I can't leave her in the hands of babysitters."
Blair got a call on his cell phone. "It's Rafe," to Jim. "Do you want to take it?"
Naomi said, "I need to do some shopping for my grandbaby."
Blair handed the phone to Jim and kissed his mother good-bye.
"Rafe, I'm fine. Never felt better," said Jim into the cell phone.
"Where are you?" Rafe said.
"None of your business. I'm not talking to you on the cell phone." Jim gave Blair the phone. "Talk to Blair."
Blair took the phone into the hallway. "Jim resigned two months ago. Jim has a hernia and can't work anymore. An old girlfriend of mine left us a baby. We've been rather busy."
"As long as, Jim didn't sneak off to have his balls cut off," said Rafe. "It's like living with Invasion of the Body Snatchers."
"Innocence dependent infants can move people more than ranting, nagging adults," explained Blair. "I had a paternity test. The child is mine. I'm sure Jim will see sense. He makes one ugly woman." Blair made his good-byes and hung up the phone.
Mr. Sandburg, I heard you. You get to wash her diapers. You're the one who wants cloth diapers. Jim heard Devin's heartbeat near his breast. She was so soft and beautiful. Jim could see Blair's features in the child's face.
Naomi returned with a store brought bag containing a layette and two 6 months size baby outfits. "You call me and tell me to go this hospital because your wife has an appointment to have a baby in two days. You didn't even tell me that you were married."
"Mother, I couldn't tell you anything on the phone," Blair said.
Bianca came in and looked at the staples. "Jamie, you're staying at the hospital for a week. Get some rest."
"I plan to nurse at least for a couple of weeks," Jim said.
"We'll wean you off the hormones as planned. Milk production is a feedback system. As long the baby sucks hard enough for let down, you'll continue to produce milk." Bianca rolled up his pants. They had agreed that Jim would go on female hormones for six weeks. New mothers that had hysterectomies were prone to postpartum depression or even psychosis. Normal drops in hormone levels caused depression in many women. Bianca felt a slow return to Jim's hormone normal levels would be best.
"I'm not going to shed the breasts or hips," Jim said.
"Not without surgery," Bianca said. "They'll reduce in size. You should end up with a little loose skin. Jamie, you really didn't expect to get your figure back after having a baby."
Jim said, "I hope to join a gym in a few months. I have a few dumbbells to use in the house and a good exercise book."
After Bianca left, Naomi took pictures of Jim nursing the baby. "Is it Baby Sandburg?" whispered Naomi.
"Who else would she be?" Blair teased.
"Genetically?" Naomi kept her voice low.
"I can hear you no matter how soft you whisper." Jim gave her a stern glance. "Mom, Blair gave Dr. Hogan the sperm sample. He's the unemployed TA that needed cash. I'm not that free with my sperm."
Naomi held the baby in her arm after Jim nursed her. "She's really my grandchild."
"Mom, it shouldn't matter. I love her because Jamie carried her," Blair said. "Not because she's genetically related."
Megan came into the room. "Too many people will know; it's going to be a media circus." Megan looked over the baby sleeping in the portal crib. "Should I stay until she wakes? I know you blokes are exhausted."
"It's up to you," said Blair. "Visit the cafeteria and come back. You shouldn't drive all this distance for a couple seconds."
Megan hugged Jim. "I'll visit you when you get home."
"Thanks, for coming by," Jim said. "I hope to hold off the press release until the medicine is released to FDA."
"Good luck," Megan said. "She's beautiful."
Naomi kissed the sleeping baby in the crib before leaving with Megan.
The baby cried.
"It's my turn to change the diaper." Jim cleaned the baby's bottom and put on a hospital diaper. When they got home, they would use cloth.
Blair kissed Jim's forehead. "I'll feed the baby for you so you can sleep."
"Thanks, maybe I'm not cut out to nurse her myself." Jim closed his eyes and fell asleep.
---
When they got home, Rafe and Brown came over. "Let them in," moaned Jim.
Blair said, "The baby is sleeping."
Every noise vibrated through the loft and in Jim's head. His head hurt and his body ached. Now that it was morning, Devin finally decided to sleep. Jim put on the light pink nightgown he wore in the hospital over his boxer's shorts and clenched his jaw. Finally, he walked down the stairs.
"Ellison, you're not walking too well?" Rafe said.
"While we were picking up Baby Sandburg, the doctor cornered me in the hallway and insisted I have the hernia surgery. Do you want to see my scar? Then, will you leave?" Holding up his nightgown with one hand, Jim pulled down his shorts to show the scar. "Go. I need my rest."
Rafe looked at the stitches. "Shit, we thought you had sexual reassignment surgery."
"As you see, my scar is a bit higher than my family jewels. My dick and balls are still firmly attached and I plan to keep it that way." Jim could understand why they would think that, but he was still furious. He still had a feminine lilt to his voice and moved like a woman. It would take awhile to unlearn the new behaviors. "Do you want to see them, too?"
"That's quite all right," Rafe said. "Henri, let's go."
Blair said, "Drink some coffee. Devin will be up soon."
Jim sat on his therapeutic chair and put on the massage feature. "She never sleeps longer than four hours. She's a night owl like her daddy."
Blair yawned. "Rainier only gave me two weeks off for the baby and since I'm not faculty; the family leave law doesn't apply."
"I know," Jim moaned. The baby was on his breast most of the night. It was easier to breastfeed than prepare bottles, and while he breastfed, it was almost like Devin was inside him again. "I talked you into keeping the baby. If you had your way, Baby Sandburg would have been adopted." Jim stretched out on his chair.
"He told me to take the paternity test before making up my mind. The asshole knew if the test came out positive that I would be bringing Devin home," Blair said. "There were six men called up for a test. I figured what where the odds."
Rafe said, "The condom broke."
"I only cheated on Jim twice. I must have the world's worst luck," Blair said.
Jim said, "I'm on disability so I'm stuck at home with Blair's bastard while he's at the university defending his thesis."
"I would gladly change places with you," Blair teased back.
"Once you agreed to a paternity test, you were hosed," Henri said. "I hear Hairboy referring to you by a male pronoun. Can we assume that your mid-life crisis is over?"
"New crisis. Do you think my pea brain can deal with more than one crisis at a time?" Jim teased. He avoided the real reason that Blair was now using male pronouns; Jim was no longer pregnant and, thus, female. "My doctor says that should be able to return to the gym in six to eight weeks."
"A pink nightie and boxer's shorts," said Rafe. "The fashion police should come after you."
"We all can't be Mr. GQ," said Jim. He also had a nursing bra on because his milk had come in, making his breasts larger than ever. Rafe and Brown wouldn't understand him nursing, so he would have to bottle feed Devin while they were here. He had worn boxer's shorts under his maternity clothes, except on the rare occasion he had on a nice dress that might show panty lines. He didn't need to tell Rafe and Brown that. "The boxers will go once the scar heals."
"They better." Blair licked his lips.
Henri Brown asked, "Are you still on hormones?"
"For the time being. I may decide to be on hormones for the rest of my life." Jim would have given Henri a nasty look if he weren't so tired. "I lowered the dose, so I'm more sexually responsive which makes Blair very happy, or would, if Devin gave us a moment's peace."
"Are you coming back to work?" asked Rafe.
"I went on disability two months ago. I had surgery, so my intestines aren't hanging down to my knees, but I can't chase bad guys with an abdominal hernia. I'm going back to school, besides my professors and fellow students won't expect this old drag queen to be someone she isn't."
Henri said, "I don't understand how going on hormones and a hernia are related."
"That proves you've never been sick," said Jim. "If you were ever in serious pain, you would learn all the bullshit flies out the window. I could no longer lie about who I was. I was alone with me and my pain."
Henri said, "That makes sense - sort of."
Jim rolled his eyes. "Constant chronic pain isn't the same thing as a gunshot wound. Pain like that makes you face your demons. I'm going to lie down upstairs. I'm bring Devin down when she wakes up."
---
Epilogue:
Two years later.
Two cameramen and an interviewer came to the loft. Jim put Devin on the floor in front of him and turned on the cartoons. Devin played with a few toys as the interviewer set up. "Mr. Ellison, why agreed to be a test subject?"
"If Dr. Sandburg felt that Dr. Hogan's research was worthwhile, then I couldn't close her down for illegal research. I had to find a way so she would no longer need to do illegal tests," Jim said as he placed his hands on his lap.
"Weren't you risking your life?" the interviewer asked.
"I don't believe in abortion. I needed a way to get her important medicine to market without killing anymore babies," Jim said.
"Weren't you taking a large risk?"
"I only knew that I had to carry the baby to term. I wasn't a hero. You should talk to Dr. Hogan about the science."
"What were you trying to prove by carrying a baby?"
"That Dr. Hogan's medicine would allow anyone to carry a baby. It allows women with a deformed or missing uterus to carry a baby. This medication will be a blessing to many women."
"What about the child that was result of this pregnancy?"
"She's in a happy, loving family." Jim put Devin, a blonde little girl, on his lap moment. "This is my daughter, Devin Sandburg. She's healthy and normal in every way."
"What about when she registers for school?"
"That is part of the reason I'm doing this press conference. I don't want to have trouble because I'm her mother."
"Won't this be hard on her?"
"She'll know that I risked my life to have her and that I love her very much."
"Do you plan to go back to work?"
"I'm taking classes in forensics at night and planning to return to work after Devin enters first grade. I love police work, but my daughter comes first."
"How do people treat you and Devin?"
"Fine. Her pediatrician has been with us the whole time. When we met, I was a pregnant woman, then a man on hormones, now I'm an effeminate gay man. She accepts me a Devin's mother."
"I wasn't expecting the first pregnant man to resemble Arnold Schwarzenegger."
"I'm no Mr. Universe. I care about my body and exercise regularly. What were you expecting an anthropology professor with a nipple ring?"
The interviewer smiled. "Not a buff ex-Army captain."
"James Ellison, the macho cop, died of shame in a maternity store thirty miles outside of Cascade, not that I miss him all that much."
As the interviewer packed up, Jim knew that the harder interviews were yet to come, along with the character assaults. He was sure to be called a hypocrite for having such strong feelings against abortion when he was a gay man and had lived as a woman for close to a year. He would do his best to protect his daughter from the backlash. Jim looked at the balding middle-aged man while walking pass the bathroom mirror, as his daughter learned to use the potty.
While Devin was still sitting on the potty chair, Jim called Carolyn. "I just talked to a reporter and called to warn you before they come pounding at your door to interview the woman that married the freak."
"Did you admit to being a sentinel?"
"No, it was nothing to do with that. Blair submitted his dissertation, Modern Day Sentinels: police officers as tribal watchmen, long ago. Are you sitting and do you have back support?"
"It's that bad," Carolyn said.
"You'll probably fall on the ground laughing. I don't want to be responsible for you injuring yourself." Jim started to laugh.
"What did you admit to press and does it have anything to do with me?"
"No. It doesn't have anything to do with you other than you didn't want to have children and my biological clock started ticking. I had a baby, Devin Josepha Sandburg. She's two now."
"Please repeat what you just said. I must have misheard you."
"I had a baby. I tested a medication to prevent miscarriage by carrying a baby without a womb."
"James Ellison, you expect me to believe that."
"It's Mrs. Blair Sandburg. Blair brought the marriage license to the hospital. He didn't want our child to be illegitimate."
Carolyn started laughing louder. "Thanks for the warning. When do I get to meet this technological wonder?"
"She's on the potty right now. Come up anytime. I'm a part-time student and full-time homemaker."
---
Carolyn arrived the following morning. Jim answered the door in a tee shirt and jeans. "So where is the little wonder?" asked Carolyn.
"Asleep in her crib. We made Blair's old room into a nursery," Jim said. "Go take a look."
Carolyn walked over to the sandy blonde, blue-eyed girl just starting to wake up.
"Daddy," the girl cried.
Jim picked up her and took her to her highchair. Then, he gave her milk in a sippy cup. "So Carolyn, you were in a hurry to come up?"
"How did you hide a pregnancy?"
"In plain sight. We told everyone at the station that one of Blair's old girlfriends called us from the hospital and told Blair if he wasn't there soon that his kid would be set up for adoption. Blair had the paternity test done there and took the kid home," Jim explained.
"That's not the question I asked."
"I gained weight beforehand so I could hide it inside my fat," Jim said. "All anyone saw was a fat Jim Ellison on hormones. They never saw I was pregnant."
Blair came down the stairs. "Carolyn, what a nice surprise." Blair hugged her.
"Jimmy called me and told me to expect to be hounded by the press," Carolyn said.
"I was at the university, yesterday," Blair said. "I'm sorry that I missed the interview."
"There'll be more even if we don't want them," Jim said as he started the coffee maker.
"Carolyn never got to see you in your wedding dress," Blair teased.
"If you dare put that on the television set, we're getting a divorce," Jim said as he started to mix pancake batter. "Carolyn, do you want any pancakes?"
"Sure. I want to see the wedding video," Carolyn said.
"It was done in a chapel in Las Vegas. They throw in the video for a few more bucks," Blair said. "Show your ex-wife."
"I was big as a house," Jim pouted. "The interviewer compared me to Mr. Universe. I don't want to be reminded how out-of-shape I was."
"And you think us women are vain," Carolyn teased. "So what are you studying at school?"
"Forensics. I'm getting too old, besides I'm missing a knee cap and I have a hernia. I got the abdominal hernia by sticking a baby where it doesn't belong inside a male body," Jim said.
"As long as you don't transfer to San Francisco."
"Not in a million years." Jim turned the pancake.
"I want to see your wedding dress," Carolyn said. "Are you going to give it your daughter when she gets married?"
"I doubt it. I was huge," Jim said.
"I'll turn the next pancake. Get it from your closet," Carolyn said. "You saw me in mine."
"I was marrying you at the time." After he cut it into small pieces and put a light coating of syrup on it, Jim gave Devin the first pancakes.
---
Carolyn turned on the television and channel surfed as Blair went to look for the video. She stopped when she heard Ellison-Sandburg said. A minister was on a local talk show.
"Mr. Ellison-Sandburg doesn't represent our organization. He undermines Christian and family values. Perverts like him distract from the pro-life values."
Carolyn shouted, "They're taking calls."
"I'm on the phone. I'm in the queue." Jim shouted from the kitchen.
On the television set, the talk show host said, "After commercial break, we'll speak to Mrs. Jamie Sandburg."
"I'll go upstairs so there won't be feedback," Jim said. "You can watch the minister squirm."
After the commercials were over, the host asked, "Jamie, why did you risk your life to have a child?"
"Dr. Sandburg believed in Dr. Bianca Hogan's research enough to help her locate test subjects. I couldn't allow her research to kill anymore innocent children. So I told her to implant an embryo inside me and I would carry it to term."
"That is a woman on the line," the minister said.
"I know who I am."
Blair, with the videotape in his hand, sat down beside Carolyn on the sofa.
"How dare you claim to represent the right-to-life movement?" the minister said.
"I never made such a claim. I only said that abortion stops a beating heart. I feel any medication that prevents miscarriage saves lives. If your wife was prone to miscarriage, you would want such medicine on the market."
"My wife would not go to extraordinary means to get pregnant," the minister said.
"What if a member of your church needed the medication that I tested to save her life and life of her unborn child, would you deny her such medicine?"
"That's a different subject. Because the medicine that you tested has the potential to save lives, doesn't justify what you've have done," claimed the minister.
Jim wanted to go to the station and put his size thirteen patented leather shoe up the minister's ass. "Many women have died due to unplanned entopic pregnancy. This medication has the potential to save their lives. If I didn't force Dr. Hogan to use me as a test subject, more unborn children would have died before she could bring this wonder drug to market."
"I'm supposed to listen to this pervert the act holier than thou."
The host said, "Mrs. Sandburg, would you like to come down and tell your side in person? Stay on the line after the show and someone will speak you. Rev. Clarke, Mrs. Sandburg has made a few good points."
"What about your child? She'll be ostracized for conceived in such an ungodly fashion."
"My daughter is growing up in a loving home."
"Gays shouldn't raise children."
"That's another subject," the host said.
"Mrs. Sandburg, thank you for your time. Please, stay on the line."
Jim spoke to the receptionist about time, day, what to wear and what to expect. The receptionist asked, "How did you hear about the program?"
"My ex-wife had it on," Jim said.
"Did your wife and you have children?"
"We didn't have any children. We were married for less than two years," Jim said.
"These questions are for our own records. You'll be asked other questions on the show," she said. "Thank you for your time."
"Can my husband come?" Jim asked.
"That is up to him," the receptionist said. "It's only a fifteen-minute segment. He might not get to say much."
"Thank you." Jim hung up the phone.
"They're going to rip you apart." Blair put his hand on Jim's shoulder.
"That minister was an idiot," Jim said walking to the living room.
"You go there as Jamie Sandburg; they'll tear you a new asshole."
"And if I show them gung-ho James Ellison, they'll think the phone conversation was staged. I'm fucked," Jim said.
Blair said, "I'd be there holding your hand."
"Chief, they'll insult you more than me," Jim said. "You don't deserve that. I did this without your consent. You shouldn't be humiliated for standing beside me."
"Jamie, I love you. That isn't going to change."
"Where's Devin?" As he said that, he heard Devin downstairs.
"She's showing Carolyn her dolls," Blair said. "Jamie, let's show Carolyn the wedding video. When is the show going to be aired?"
"Next Tuesday. Don't you have to be at work?"
"I can miss one day."
"The press is going to hound us for months. Teach your afternoon class."
"See you." Blair kissed Jim good-bye.
As Blair was stepping out the door, Carolyn popped in the video. "Jimmy, you held your own."
"Until they get to see me in person," Jim said. "Whatever I do, I'm not going to look like the person that they heard on the telephone. What did you hear?"
"A large husky woman. A deep feminine voice," Carolyn said.
"I'm hosed," Jim said. "I don't want to look like a drag queen but if I use my normal voice, they'll think the conversation was staged."
"Many men sound female on the phone. Are you going to wear a suit?"
"Slacks and a sweater. I hadn't decided if I want a tie," Jim said. "Carolyn, I'm so sorry that I brought you into this."
"I want to see macho Jim Ellison in a wedding dress," Carolyn teased as the video started.
"I wasn't macho," Jim said as Devin climbed on his lap.
Carolyn looked at the short wedding on the video. "Jimmy, you looked beautiful. I wouldn't have know that large woman was you if I wasn't told."
"Devin, do you want to go to the playground?"
"Yes, Daddy."
"Get your coat on." Jim helped his daughter get her coat on. Then Jim put on his jacket and opened the door for Carolyn. "I'll put her on the slide and push the swing. You can sit on a bench." He picked up Devin to carry her to the car as Carolyn followed.
After Devin some children to play with on the playground equipment and didn't want Daddy interfering, Jim sat down on a bench with Carolyn. "I should have told you earlier, but I didn't want you involved."
"I understand." Carolyn put her hand on his arm. "What did you tell the guys during it?"
"Nothing much. They avoided me like the plague, which was what I was going for. Cassie Wells insulted me."
"I remember her. She's now Cascade's problem."
"The guys were cool. I told them that I was cutting back on the hormones after my hernia surgery and they would have to deal with a kinder, gentler Jim."
"I have trouble visualizing this."
"I'm very good at copying other people's behavior. I've done it for uncover assignments. Simon visits from time-to-time. Heather and I are good friends."
"Cassie has a problem with it?"
"She called me the biggest SOB that she ever met and me in a dress was an insult to womanhood."
"She didn't trust San Francisco equipment; she had her parents buy her the latest technology. She's a spoiled brat. Don't let her get to you."
"I don't know why Chang hadn't fired her." Jim said. "Blair teases me about returning to being the man that I was, but having a baby changes a person. I could put the effort into returning to being that asshole that I was before, but why would I want to?"
"If you're happy with yourself, that is all that matters." Carolyn kissed his cheek.
A few of the women gave him a brief stare and then returned to their children. A woman came up to him, "Jamie, I heard you on AM Cascade. I think you were very brave."
"Someone needs to be the first," Jim said.
"And you are?" the lady asked.
"Carolyn, his ex-wife," she said.
"I'm Dorothy, one of your neighbors," she said. "Jamie, most people support what you have done despite what that minister said."
Devin tugged on Jim's leg. "Push me on the swing."
"We can talk as I push my daughter," Jim said. "Thank you for the kind word."
"You don't think it'll become common for gay men to carry children?" Dorothy asked.
"No, most men wouldn't go through what I did," Jim said. "The whole time, I feared dying. The medicine isn't for that. It's for preventing entopic pregnancies from rupturing or being attacked by the body's defenses. I suspected that I'd be the only man to carry a baby to term for at least ten years or more."
"Is there a demand for it?"
"I don't know. I suppose I can't be the only man that wants to carry his lover's child. Going a year without sex is a pretty high price for a gay man," Jim teased. "Not that Devin wasn't worth that price, but there was no guarantee that I would even live through the pregnancy."
"She's a beautiful child."
Jim pushed Devin on the swing. "She's my miracle baby. She'll grow up knowing that her mommy risked everything for her. I only wished I named her something like Louise Brown."
END