Title: Healing

Author/pseudonym: Monica

Rating: R for m/m situations and suggestions

Pairings: Jim/Blair

Status: New, Complete

Date: March 18th, 2000

Archive: Yes

Archive author: Yes

Archive email address: Yes

Series/Sequel:

Category: Hurt/Comfort; First Time (sorta)

Disclaimer: Pet Fly own all things related to "The Sentinel". I'm just borrowing the character. This story is strictly for fun and not profit.

Note: Much thanks to Dark Cherry and Alex for providing support and Beta. As was so wisely put on Senad, "Everyone has a Sentinel Too story". Here is my contribution.

Warning: If expressions of love between two adults who just happen to be of the same sex bothers you, please don't read the story. Episode related: "Sentinel Too".

Summary: My take on "Sentinel Too". (Don't we all have one?)

Healing
by Monica

Jim monitored the slight body beside him as he drove through the streets. Heartbeat steady, breathing slightly fast, but not alarming. What had been alarming, terrifying beyond words, was when he had not been able to hear those sounds. Now, with Alex gone and Blair coming home, the slight unease he sensed from the younger man was acceptable, and understandable.

Alex had been caught shortly after Blair had come back to life. Jim had left the hospital only after Blair was admitted and judged to be out of danger. His senses, the visions he had been having, lead him to her. Only now he was focused, furious, and he was not tempted to follow her. He knew where his destiny laid.

It was a brutal fight. Alex was determined not to be taken, and she wasn't-alive. She attempted to fight her way out to escape. Distracted, her senses out of control, she lost focus and a shot from a young police officer killed her. Jim didn't even blink when she was pronounced dead and then returned to his Guide's side.

He stayed with Blair almost constantly, but they didn't talk much about what had happened- especially between them. Blair tried a few times, but then gave up- even he wasn't willing to discuss it yet fully. Jim was stubbornly convinced that everything would work out. It was his job now to see to it. He had failed to protect his Guide before- it would not happen again. Weather
Blair knew it or not, his life was now guarded and overseen by his Blessed Protector as never before.

Blair spent four days in the hospital. Five ribs had been broken or cracked in the CPR attempts, and he had inhaled water that damaged his lungs. The doctors were at a loss to explain his revival, and neither Jim nor Blair enlightened them about it. Jim himself wasn't entirely sure what he had seen in that moment when the wolf and panther had merged.

The doctors approved Blair going home only on the provision that he be watched continually; take an obscene amount of medicine, and complete bed rest. His ribs would take time to heal, and his lungs would take even longer. Jim calmly informed the doctor that he would nurse his partner as long as needed, not allowing any disagreement. Blair, tired, confused, and admittedly depressed from his near-death experience, for once didn't argue; quietly letting Jim make any arrangements he wanted.

It took several hours to check out of the hospital and it was early evening when they finally left. The doctor suggested leaving Blair one more night, but the mere mention of it caused the younger man's heartbeat to race, and Jim knew neither of them would rest until they were both at home.

They rode in silence up the elevator, Blair starting to lean a little against the older man. Jim wrapped an arm around him, steadying him as he unlocked the door. He placed the gym bag with it's various medicines on the kitchen counter and then guided Blair into the bathroom, pausing to turn up the furnace, knowing that the injured body felt the cold worse than ever. Once in the small room with the heater going nicely, Jim turned him around and gently pulled off
the sweatshirt Blair was wearing.

"Jim?" Blair questioned softly. He was too tired to argue, but still wondered what the detective was planning. Jim didn't answer, just started the water running, knowing that a warm bath would help Blair relax. The sterile smell of the hospital also clung to Blair and he was eager to remove it. He unwrapped the athletic stretch bandages that cushioned the bruised ribs and continued to
remove his clothes. Blair blushed when Jim began to pull down his sweat pants, suddenly uneasy, but didn't resist. The Sentinel felt the flush of embarrassment that colored Blair's skin, but ignored it. There was no room for modesty here. He needed to take care of his Guide.

When the tub was filled, Jim scooped Blair up and lowered him into the warm water. Blair smiled, mumbling a grateful "Thanks" under his breath that only Sentinel hearing detected. The pain medication was beginning to take strong effect, making him sleepy, and he happily lay back as Jim proceeded to wash him thoroughly.

Every inch of the slim body was cleaned tenderly with a soft washcloth, Jim being careful of the bruised ribs and chest. That accomplished, the long curls were washed and rinsed and he spent some time massaging the conditioner in, feeling Blair's tense muscles relax. Finally satisfied, Jim picked up the younger man again and stood him on his feet only long enough to dry him off, and then wrap another large towel around him. Then he guided Blair back to sit on the edge of the tub.

The clean hair was carefully combed out and towel dried. Large hands traveled over his Guides body, sensitive hands detecting any sprains or aches and tenderly applying a muscle gel. Blair began to lean to one side, unable to keep himself sitting up straight as he fell more toward sleep. His eyes were firmly closed and Jim knew he was about to lose his battle to stay awake. He pulled Blair against him as he continued, making sure he would not fall.

Finished, he picked Blair up, cradling him in his arms. Blair gave a soft sigh and immediately went to sleep, finally releasing his hold on consciousness. The detective looked at the body he held so carefully, considering. Clean, warmer, pain diminished by sleep. Now, rest.

Jim was halfway up the stairs before he realized where he was going- to his bedroom, not to Blair's. He didn't even pause- decision made. His Guide would sleep with him from now on, it was his place. It was not open to any more thought or discussion.

He laid Blair carefully on one side of the large bed and pulled back the covers. Sliding his friend over, he removed the bath towel and then tucked the blankets over him. Blair cuddled into the warm blankets, rapidly sinking into a deep sleep. Jim fussed over him, making sure he was comfortable. The Sentinel even took out a rarely used extra quilt and covered the sleeping form
with it, ensuring that he was warm.

Finally content that Blair was settled, Jim went downstairs to take his own shower, all the while listening carefully to the sounds from the body upstairs. The easy breathing and steady heartbeat reassured him that Blair was safe and he finally let himself relax for the first time in weeks.

After his shower, Jim sorted out the various medicines. Despite his exhaustion, Blair had yet to sleep through the night, nightmares disturbing his rest constantly. With them came the pain, and Jim selected the appropriate medicine he would need if Blair woke during the night. The doctors also had Blair on antibiotics to prevent possible infections, and he added them to the tray. A covered pitcher of water and a glass were included and he carried the tray upstairs, setting it on the nightstand.

Quietly he removed his robe and eased the covers away from Blair. He meant to get into the bed immediately, but found himself pausing for a moment to look at his Guide. Earlier in the bath he had been intent on cleaning Blair and getting him comfortable and warm. Now, he took the time to really see him, and see the truth.

Blair was truly beautiful. There were no other words for it. Sentinel vision saw the bruises still present, but they were fading to his satisfaction. They in no way detracted from the smooth skin and lean muscle that formed his partner. Asleep, the young face looked even younger in its relaxed innocence. The curly hair was spread out like a dark halo around a cherub.

"Mine," the Sentinel purred softly. "You're mine, Blair. And I take care of what's mine."

He would have liked to stand there longer and study the slim body, but he detected a faint shiver as Blair began to miss the blankets that had covered him. Quickly, he joined Blair under the blankets and pulled him close, to warm him again. Blair frowned slightly, as if his subconscious was puzzled by the presence of another body in the bed. Then he instinctively snuggled into the extra warmth and relaxed in the arms that encircled him. Jim guided Blair's
head to rest on his shoulder, so he could hold him securely.

For a long time, he simply held his charge carefully, listening to the breathing and heartbeat that was music to his ears. He moved one hand to gently stroke the now dry curls, wondering that Alex had wanted to destroy such a person. It was proof of how unstable she had been and he felt no remorse at her fate. Sad yes, but no regret. The one person he needed was safe with him, and he would keep it that way.

Content, he tuned his hearing to their surroundings to keep a watch, and slid into sleep.

*

Blair was drowning, and knew it. Icy blankness surrounded him, drawing him down, paralyzing his body. He tried to scream, but only drew in more water. Hysterical, he clawed at the blackness, feeling his fingers slip through, not giving him anything to cling to.

Then something was holding him, pulling up him. He heard words, calling his name, arms shaking him a bit, a loud voice telling him to breathe. Blair drew in a gasp and coughed violently, groaning loudly at the sting it caused his ribs. He was in pain now, unable to breath properly and get past the agony in his chest.

Warmth surrounded him, replacing the icy feeling. The voice was soft and soothing now, reassuring him. He concentrated on it, listening to the words that told him to breath slowly, to stay still. His arms were raised and he complained at the pain it drew from his sides, but it did make it easier to breath. He accepted it, letting his arms be draped over wide shoulders and held up. He leaned into the warmth, the body, beside him, shaking.

At some point- he had no idea exactly when- he began to cry. Part of his mind still working clearly thought it was embarrassing, but his soul needed the cartharsis. The cleaning. In the hospital he had held everything bottled up inside- Jim's betrayal, his death. The energy to keep it inside had consumed everything, leaving nothing for healing or thinking. Now it was demanding release before it destroyed him.

And the person with him-Jim- held onto him, cooing words of reassurance, of love. A blanket was drawn up around him, enfolding him in its soft warmth, and then he was lifted and laid across Jim's lap, his Sentinel's strong arms never leaving him. Jim rocked him like a child, humming soothing sounds. When his breath grew ragged, the soft voice told him to take a deep breath, leaning him slightly so there was less pressure on his ribs. When he thought he would burst from the tears inside, a warm hand rubbed his back, easing his fears.

Blair let himself be drawn into the protection. The cold left, his breathing resumed a normal pattern. The tears stopped, his body too tired and weak to continue. Still, the gentle rocking and humming continued for a long time, until Jim was convinced that the worst had passed.

Blair was laid back down; the blanket that had cocooned him loosened a bit. His head was lifted up and a glass placed to his lips. Without opening his eyes, he knew what was coming and obediently drank, then accepted the pills, washing them down with another drink. A large, protective warmth covered him, drawing him against a smooth, broad chest, tucking his head into a perfect spot between a shoulder and chin.

Blair lay quietly for a while, listening to the heartbeat beneath his chest. Then he took a careful breath.

"I'm...sorry," he managed to say, still not opening his eyes, but needing now to speak.

"Blair...what for? You did nothing wrong."

"I did," he insisted groggily, his words slightly slurring, but clear to his Sentinel's ears. "Should have told you about Alex. Should have understood what that meant. And....sorry I-" his words trailed off into a mumble.

A large hand resumed rubbing his back, slow circles that eased the remaining tightness. "What, baby?" Jim said softly.

"Sorry I....died."

Jim was shocked, but only for a moment. Only Blair was so thoughtful and sensitive that he would apologize for such a thing. It touched him as nothing ever had before. "Blair, it's my fault that all this happened....including...the fountain. You did nothing wrong. Please believe me. But don't worry anymore. I'm going to set it all right. You won't have to worry about anything ever
again. I've got you now."

Blair sniffled against his shoulder. It might have been an acknowledgment, an agreement with Jim's statement. Whatever it was, Jim chose to see it that way. Blair was beginning to drift again, falling back into sleep. He stirred uneasily, reluctant. "Nightmares," he complained with a mutter, clutching at the solid body that cradled him, seeking some sort of protection.

"Rest, baby," the voice said against his ear. "I'm here with you. Go to sleep and have only good dreams. I'll watch over you." Trusting the voice, trusting Jim, Blair slid into a sleep more peaceful and deep than he'd had in weeks.

*

Blair yawned as he reluctantly woke up, snuggling back into the soft and warm blankets. After a bit, he had to admit that he was awake, and opened his eyes. It took a few moments to register where he was- Jim's bed. Jim must have brought him upstairs when he fell asleep after his bath. He groaned, embarrassed as he remembered the nightmare and Jim's protection.

"Chief?" Jim's voice drifted up from the lower level, having obviously detected that he was awake. "Stay in bed. I'm bringing your breakfast up."

"Um...okay," Blair answered. He sat up slowly, realizing that he was naked. He flushed again, then seeing his robe lying across the bed, reached for it quickly to pull it on. The movement made him wince a bit as he hastily pulled the robe on.

Jim arrived in time to see the pain twinge and sat the tray down. He took the appropriate bottle of medication and shook out two pills and held them and a glass of water out. Blair shook his head.

"I don't want that, man," he refused. Jim just continued to hold them out, his gaze stern. Blair wilted a bit under that intense look. "One?" he tried.

The older man nodded. "One now, one after you eat," he said smoothly. Blair groaned but accepted one pill, knowing it was useless. Simon had said as much during a visit to the hospital, telling Blair that he should just go along and enjoy the ride if he wanted to survive an attack of Jim "mothering."

The "mothering" mode was clearly on as Jim helped his partner sit up more, placing pillows behind him. Then he sat the food-filled tray in front of him with another stern look that advised him to start eating immediately.

Blair managed to eat enough of the five-course meal to satisfy the Sentinel. Then it was time for another pill and Jim finally produced some of Blair's clothes- sweatpants, warm loose sweater, and heavy socks. Blair changed while Jim took the tray back to the kitchen and was starting for the stairs when Jim reappeared.

"What are you doing?"

"Going downstairs?" Blair ventured. Jim frowned and picked him up without a word. For a minute Blair thought he was going to be returned to the bed, but Jim started down the stairs, carrying him easily.

"The doctors said bed rest, remember?" Jim said. "You want to go upstairs or downstairs, you call for me, understand?"

"Yeah, okay," Blair said automatically. Then he considered the words. Upstairs? "Jim? Why would I need to go upstairs? I mean, if we move my bed back, I'll just sleep down here-"

"No," Jim answered firmly as he laid Blair on the couch. "You're sleeping with me from now on." Blair starred at him, for once at a loss to think of anything else to say. Jim merely tucked a pillow behind his back, pulled a blanket over his legs, and then walked away to the kitchen.

Blair closed his eyes as he leaned back again the pillows. He knew Jim was protective, but this was excessive even for him. He had a pretty good idea what was causing the over drive protection mode and he had no desire to bring it up now.

A slight sound made him open his eyes. Jim was back beside him, holding a cup of tea that he placed on a table. Then he began to tuck the blanket around him more firmly. Blair started to protest, then saw the expression on Jim's face. It was the same look Jim gave to felons who were thinking about resisting arrest. The look that said, "I'm being civilized now. Don't push me." Blair wasn't about to argue with him.

He spent the day resting on the couch. Much as he hated to admit it, it *was* exhausting to even walk to the bathroom and back. His ribs hurt, it was impossible to take deep breaths, and the medication made him dizzy and sleepy. All in all, pretty rotten.

But Jim made it bearable. He moved the coffee table closer to the couch so the TV remote control, books, and various items could be laid on it within easy reach. He seemed to anticipate Blair's every need- helping him up, tucking extra pillows around him when he got uncomfortable, bringing a steady supply of drinks and snacks from the kitchen. Blair had to push blankets off of him when he actually got too warm due to Jim putting another blanket over him every time he turned around.

Simon and the gang from Major Crimes visited in shifts throughout the day, much as they had while Blair was in the hospital. They were conscientious of Blair's condition, and were careful to not stay too long. And in case they forgot, there was a glowering Sentinel sitting beside the couch, ready to announce if they had overstayed their welcome. The little visits were just right to break up the day without tiring Blair out.

Jim hovered over him, a mother hen with one chick to cluck over. He kept Blair on schedule with his medications, made him take a nap in between visitors, and waited outside the bathroom whenever he helped Blair inside. The first time he had even tried to follow him in, only Blair raising what Hell he could muster had prevented it.

After the last visitor left, Jim prepared supper while Blair read. Then they watched the evening television programs in a comfortable silence. Jim suggested going to bed once, and Blair immediately claimed an intense interest in the upcoming program. In reality, he was nervous about going to bed with Jim.

Blair knew they needed to talk- far more than they had during the night. He was still too uncertain however, too nervous about Jim's behavior. It was a radical change from the out of control person who had thrown him out of the loft, to the person who had bathed him, slept with him- naked- and was nursing him.

Jim indulgently waited until the evening news was over, then stood up. "Time for bed, Chief," he said firmly, clicking the television off. He detected the nervous jump in the younger man's heartbeat. Blair was trying to hide it, but Jim was fairly certainly what was causing this nervous reaction. He smiled, trying to be reassuring. No point in scaring his Guide now.

Blair slowly removed his glasses, laying them on the end table, and then accepted Jim's help in getting up and to the bathroom. He went in alone, shutting the door firmly behind him. Jim waited patiently, listening carefully to make sure Blair did not need his help. Blair was weak as a new kitten, and Jim's greatest fear was that he would fall and re-injure the delicate ribs.

After a while, Blair reemerged, and Jim raised one eyebrow in vague amusement when he saw his Guide was still fully clothed.

"I think you'll be more comfortable losing some of those layers," he said calmly. He reached out and began to remove the sweater. Blair flushed again, but allowed the movement. "Don't worry. I won't let you get cold."

<Cold isn't what I'm afraid of> Blair thought nervously.

Jim smiled again and continued to undress his Guide, leaving only the boxers, then he moved closer. Before Blair knew what was happening, Jim had scooped him up into his arms. He laid rigidly, uncertain as the Sentinel headed up the stairs. Jim had carried logs of wood that were less tense. "Easy, Chief," he said, "I've got you."

"This....this is really awkward, man," Blair ventured.

"What is?"

"Everything! Nurse Jim, sleeping up here?everything."

"Blair." They had reached the bedroom, but Jim continued to hold him. He tightened his arm around Blair's back ever so slightly, raising Blair so his face was mere inches from his own. Pale blue eyes caught the younger man's gaze and held it fiercely as he spoke.

"You're my Guide."

Jim held him for a beat longer, emphasizing his point, then finally lowered Blair to the bed. He tucked him under the covers and heard the troubled voice.

"I don't understand." It was a plea. Blair was unaccustomed to not understanding things.

Jim rested a hand on the tangled curls. He had already learned one important thing in the care of his Guide- that glorious hair tangled in a way his short locks would never understand. He had helped Blair to comb it and pull it back earlier, but his fingers detected a few new snarls. It gave him an idea.

"Get comfortable," he told Blair. "I'll be back in a few minutes and we'll talk, okay?" Blair nodded, and Jim retreated downstairs.

Good to his word, Jim returned quickly, carrying something small in his hands. He had turned off most of the lights and Blair squinted in the near darkness. Jim placed what he had brought on the nightstand and undressed. The younger man looked away, uncertain, but Jim kept his boxers on as he slipped into bed.

The Sentinel settled behind his Guide, directing him to sit between his legs. Then he gently pulled on the thin shoulders, making Blair lean back against the broad chest. He fussed for a minute, pulling the covers up around Blair again.

"Jim?" Blair said hesitantly. "You said-"

"Shhh." Jim picked up the objects from the table and held them so Blair could see them-his hairbrush and comb. "We are going to talk. I just figured that you might like having that mop of yours unsnarled. If we wait until morning it will take me all day," he added with a teasing tone.

Blair managed a small laugh at that, admitting the truth in the statement. "That...that would be nice," he agreed hesitantly.

Jim started with the comb, cautiously working through the snarls. Then he began brushing the curls, enjoying the silky feel against his hand. He waited for a few minutes, until he felt Blair relax, starting to enjoy the pampering.

"Chief, what do you remember about Alex attacking you?"

"Nothing really," Blair said slowly. "I can remember her coming into my office...and then nothing until I woke up in the hospital. It's completely blank. I know you and Simon wish I could remember something, to help with the case, but I honestly have no idea how I ended up in?in the fountain." He shook his head. "And it's totally stupid to have nightmares about something I can't remember."

"Hush." Jim's free hand rubbed Blair's shoulder reassuringly as his other hand continued to brush his hair. "I don't want you to remember the fountain. Hell, Chief, *I* don't want to remember that. But I do need you to remember afterwards."

"Afterwards?"

"When you came back to me."

A shiver ran through Blair at those words. 'Came back'- from the dead.

Letting himself think about that before had been too frightening. In the cold, bright sterile hospital, thinking about his 'death' was too close, too unnerving. By all rights, he should have been in the morgue, not in ICU. But here ?home? where it was warm, and comfortable, it was finally safe to open his mind.

He was surrounded by Jim. Settled between the long powerful legs that securely covered his legs. Strong arms wrapped around him, one hand still brushing his hair in a steady, reassuring rhythm. Even his head occasionally leaned against a shoulder, completing the envelopment.

Jim's breathing against his ear was soft, like a purring. A cat purring. A panther?

<The panther ran though the forest, knowing exactly what path to take. Still out of sight was the wolf. They couldn't see each other yet, but knew they were there?close now>

Blair closed his eyes. "I remember....the animals," he whispered.

<The wolf was fading, had gone over, actually. To the other plane. The panther would not allow that, could not allow it. The cat could not survive alone>

"You called me back."

<With a surge of energy, the wolf turned and leaped- toward the cat, not away. They met in a flash of power...and a gasp>

Blair jerked, coughing as he had days earlier. Jim put the brush down and wrapped his arms around him, frightened. "Chief? Chief, what's happening?" It took several moments for Blair to regain enough breath to speak.

"The animals....the panther- *you*- brought me back."

Jim hesitated. "I don't know exactly what happened. I just-"

"You did, Jim. You brought me back," Blair repeated urgently. The Sentinel took a deep breath, admitting what seemed impossible.

"Yeah, I think so," he said softly.

"God, Jim."

They were silent for a long time. Jim held his Guide, soothing him as best he could. He occasionally stroked his hair, sometimes rocking the body he held. Blair accepted the touches, the closeness, not having the slightest desire to leave. In fact, he *needed* the contact. When Jim zoned, it was Blair's voice and touch that brought him back, his link to the world. Now, it was the Sentinel's turn to be the anchor.

"What....what do I say to that?" Blair finally said. "I mean...you saved me. What can I say?"

"Say you won't leave me." The words were out before Jim even realized it.

"Leave you?" Blair was shocked. "What?"

Jim was shaking now. "I pushed you away, and right into danger. When you...were gone...my heart stopped too. I don't remember what I did, I don't know how I knew what to do. But I know that I can't live without you." His grip tightened slightly, but still cautious of the injured chest. "I love you, Blair," he almost whispered. "I'm in love with you."

Blair closed his eyes. "Jim-"

"It's okay. I know you don't feel-"

"Jim, listen to me. I...love you too."

The words hung between them. Open, honest. Protected in the darkness, but no less truthful. After a moment, Jim allowed himself to lean forward a bit, and then his lips met the soft hair, then slowly, cautiously traveled to the forehead.

It was not entirely new. When Blair had been under the Golden, Jim had held him and his lips had brushed against Blair's head. At the fountain, he had again touched his face. Not meant as kisses, but close.

Now it was meant to be exactly what it was- a kiss of love. Blair leaned back into the kiss, then turned his head as far as he could, searching for more as Jim's lips traveled to his neck. He tried to shift, to turn around, but his ribs and Jim's hold on him prevented much movement.

"Damn," he mumbled, hoping Jim would understand his frustration.

"Shhh." Jim partially lifted Blair for a moment, moving them until they were lying facing each other on their sides, Blair again tucked against the long body. And they kissed again, this time their lips meeting. It was long, careful, and tender. An exploration, and a promise.

After several minutes, Jim felt Blair begin to fall asleep. He pulled the blankets up around them, making sure the younger man was covered and warm. Then he resumed the careful caresses with his lips, easing Blair into sleep.

"Love you," Blair repeated, a whisper this time, his eyes closed.

The Sentinel smiled against the small face. "I love you too."

"Talk...more." Barely audible behind a yawn.

"Tomorrow," Jim promised. "Now sleep"

Blair didn't listen, as usual. "Won't....leave you."

"I know."

"...you?"

Jim captured the lips, covering them with his own. He kept the light pressure, preventing Blair from the continued talking that was keeping him awake. Blair relaxed into the kiss and Jim felt him finally slip over into sleep. He remained still for several minutes, making sure Blair was sound asleep, before allowing himself to smile in satisfaction.

The Guide was safe, in his Sentinel's arms. It was time to rest.

The End