Author/pseudonym: Lori J
Fandom: The Sentinel
Paring: None
Rating: PG-13
Status: Complete
Archive: Of Course!
E-mail address for feedback: maailto:lojojan@worldnet.att.net
Series/Sequel: Nope!
Other websites: not yet
Disclaimers: Not mine, but I'm working on a deal with TPTB
Notes: This is my first go at fanfic. I've lurked for awhile, read darn near everything that's out there. Decided it was my turn to give some back.
Normally, I don't like death stories. I also tend to shy away from stories with song lyrics, but this song demanded that the story be written. Chris Cornell wrote this for Jeff Buckley, his good friend that died. This fic ended up to be more depressing than I thought. I couldn't decide if Blair just moved out, or if he died. You can see from the warning that he didn't move out. Please email me and let me know how I did!
Summary: Jim realizes what he's lost and can't handle it.
Warnings: DEATH STORY!!!!!
By Lori J
Stopping just inside the double doors of Major Crimes, a thought struck him. Walking into the bullpen alone was a new experience. After the three years with Sandburg as his partner, he had gotten used to the companionship.
No, companionship wasn't the right word. True friendship was better, the best and most wonderful friendship.
But he had ruined that, hadn't he? Pushed Blair away when they needed each other most. Pushed away for good.
Sighing, Jim continued the seemingly endless journey to their-no his-desk.
Picking up a stack of papers from his inbox, Jim began shuffling through it, not really focusing. Glancing over, he saw Blair's radio. The one he had brought in to pass the time while doing paperwork. Without thinking, Jim reached over and turned it on. Loud music filled the bullpen as he fumbled for the dial. A few heads swiveled his way and then returned to their work.
Except for one head, Megan. She was staring at him. It occurred to Jim that she had been staring at him since he had walked in. There was a mixture of anger and sadness and something else in her gaze. Pity. He didn't want anyone's pity!
Jim glared at Megan until she dropped her gaze. That got her. He could just hear Blair saying 'Whoa man! I think that was a 6.0 on the Ellison glare-ometer!'
Could hear himself replying 'Nah, just a 4 pointer, don't want to scare the natives!' Jim smiled at what his partner's response to that would be.
Probably a lecture on the indigenous peoples of Washington.
The smile slowly faded as reality came rushing back. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Just concentrate on getting the work done. The sooner it got done, the quicker he could leave. Away from all the sympathetic stares and whispers that he couldn't hear anymore.
The radio was tuned to Blair's favorite Rainier student station. The DJ was doing the usual spiel. "For everyone that's called in to request, here's Chris Cornell's new one 'Wave Goodbye'. He wrote this song for a close friend of his that died."
The DJ's last words caught Jim's attention and he reached over to turn up the volume. Twangy guitars followed by a plaintive voice singing about missing someone. Seeing them everywhere you look. Jim knew that feeling, he never stopped seeing Blair, never stopped hearing his voice. Never thought he would ever be without his guide.
The singer was wailing about trying to be brave but only wanting to lay down and die instead. Yet another familiar feeling. One that Jim was becoming increasingly familiar with. One that he was starting to consider.
Lost in thought, Jim realized the song had come to an end. He needed to hear that again. What had that singer's name been? Cornell? He'd stop after work and pick up a copy of the CD. Jim thought that Blair might already have it, but the idea of going through his partner's things, all still in their boxes was too much.
* * * * * * * * * * *
Unlocking the door, Jim hurried inside. Tossing his jacket on the floor, he headed straight for the stereo.
The kid at the music store had assured him that this album was 'truly amazing'. Jim didn't care. He just wanted to hear that song one last time. A quick glance at the back of the CD case showed him 'Wave Goodbye' was track 7. Forwarding the CD player to number seven, Jim pressed play. Then he wandered over to the couch and sat down heavily.
Again the song enveloped him. Cornell had such a tortured voice. The lyrics had been included with the album and as he followed along with the song, Jim felt the words hit him like a ton of bricks.
He had driven Blair away, packed his things for him, and told his guide to get out.
And Blair had.
And Blair had died.
The Sentinel had failed to protect the Guide.
The song ended. Jim started the CD again, this time at the beginning of the record. The first song, 'Can't Change Me' hit home. Especially the verse where the man realizes that he's wrong. But the man is afraid to change for fear of losing himself. That was Jim in a nutshell, didn't want any changes made to his lifestyle. Blair had changed all that. Changed everything. But Jim had been too blind or too stupid to see what he was doing to Blair at the end.
And Blair paid for that stupidity with his life.
As the night wore on, Jim continued to listen to the album. He was starting to lose control of the carefully constructed barrier he had on his emotions. There were little cracks in the surface now. It was just a matter of time.
He couldn't stop remembering Blair's stricken face when Jim had packed his things.
Remembering the horrible feeling of dread when he realized that Alex was going after Blair.
Remembering the earth shattering collapse of his sanity when he saw Blair face down in that fountain.
Memories, so many memories. Racing towards him like a speeding train with no brakes. He was helpless to stop them.
Blair floating motionless in the fountain...
Simon performing CPR...
The paramedics stopping, saying it was too late...
Simon pulling him away from Blair's cold, cold body. His guide's body.
As sure as Alex Barnes was a murderer, so was he James Joseph Ellison. Just as if he had been the one to hit Blair over the head with a gun, the one to give Blair that extra helping hand into the fountain.
He needed to face the consequences of his actions. Just as any murderer should have to.
As though it had a life of its own, Jim's hand moved to his gun. It seemed like everything was moving in slow motion.
The hand picking up the gun, ejecting the clip.
Taking a round from the clip, chambering that round. Clicking the safety off.
Turning the gun so it faced him.
Staring down at the black hole that stared right back.
He was a Sentinel. A Sentinel needs a Guide.
He had murdered his.
"James Joseph Ellison for the murder of Blair Jacob Sandburg..."
Finger wrapping around the trigger.
"I hereby sentence you...."
Bringing the gun to rest against his forehead.
"...to death."
Pulling the trigger.
The End
Wave Goodbye
Written by Chris Cornell
Words get tangled on your tongue
And you stumble on your feet when you miss somebody
And everywhere you think you see them
Walking down the street when you miss somebody
When you miss somebody you tell yourself
A hundred thousand times
Nobody ever lives forever so you give it one more try
To wave goodbye wave goodbye
Every hurtful thing you ever said is ringing in your ear
When you miss somebody
And every thing of beauty that you see only brings a tear
When you miss somebody
When you miss somebody you tell yourself everything
Will be alright
Try to stand up strong and brave when all you want to do
Is lay down and die
How long I've waited for an answer or a sign
Lonely and weary from this troubled task of trying
To wave goodbye
So now you start to recognize that every single path you see
Leads to a tear in your eye
So wave goodbye wave goodbye
The End