Author: Raf
Email: roceane@club-internet.fr
Rating: PG
Pairing: Jim/Blair Blair/f
Archive: please ask
Warnings: death fic... sort of...
Author's Notes: I'd like to thank Ankaree for be my beta and made this fic understables for all of you. Any remaining mistakes are mine because english is not my maternal language.... ok here it goes........
Summary: none... just read
Disclaimer: Jim and Blair belong to PetFly/UPN/Paramount, not me. No copyright infringement is intended
Eternal Love
by Raf
I love Blair...I, the image of the perfect macho man, I'm in love with my partner. I loved him as soon as I saw him at the hospital in that Doctor's coat that was too big for him. I wanted him when I threw him against the wall of his office. But I kept silent; satisfying myself by letting him put my life back together. He was the only one I trusted, he was the only one I showed this side of me that I keep buried so deeply that nobody has ever seen it....Except him, my guide, my love, my life.
I know that I should have said something to him a long time ago but I was afraid. Afraid that he would reject who I am, what I feel for him. I feared breaking this link, so extraordinary and unique, which has united the both of us. I was content with seeing him skipping, from girl to girl, while playing the defender, the older brother and sometimes, even a little, the father.
Why did I keep silent ? Why ? I asked myself this question a thousands times...But it's too late. He went far away, so far, in the darkness of eternity. I have nothing left of him, but some photos and my memories. No, that's not true. I have my godchild : Damian James Sandburg. I'm watching him sleeping, in his cradle, in this room which was, long ago, his father's. If I close my eyes for a long time, I can hear Blair delighting over his son under the watchful eye of Jessica.
Jessica. Of all the women who had crossed through the life of my guide, she was the only one whom I did not consider an intruder, a rival. She made him so happy. He shone with happiness when her eyes met his. But nevertheless, life separated them, when Blair became infatuated with this girl, Lisa Meadows, and abandoned Jessica who then left. Then life put them back together when she returned, some months later, to testify in a trial. It is there that he realized he was still and always had been in love with her. He left Lisa who wanted to take revenge by trying to kill her rival. She failed. Nobody touches my family without punishment. Yes, I came to consider Jessica like a member of my family. She never tried to separate me from my love. She had understood my suffering, and did everything to make it sweeter. How many times did she disappear so that we could stay together? It is these small daily gestures which made me like her.
And even if my heart squeezed up when I saw them together, I was happy of their happiness.
It has been three months since I've been alone. Three months since Simon pounded at my door to tell me about the accident: a truck, a drunk reckless driver, a slippery road and a risky pass... They both died, without any suffering. Today I'm not a policeman any more; I'm not a sentinel either. My "gifts" went away at the same time as my guide. I closed the doors of my heart and my life. With the pension of the army and the police station, I live a loner's life. I live day to day, lost a little more in my memories. There is only this little one to return me to reality. I cannot let him down because it would betray the memory of the only person who took my heart. Then I can go on.
I miss him so much. The loft seems so empty without him. I would never have believed that one day I would cry for a love which was never born...Blair...My sweet Blair...This little one delays me coming to join you for eternity. If I had told you what I felt for you...If I had not persisted in this silence, maybe you would be in my arms today...If...
If...If...I'm becoming crazy and the pain is unbearable...Why you and not me...? I would give everything to hear his voice again, to feel his touch, see his eyes shining with ecstasy, to touch the sweet texture of his hair and enjoy the fruity taste of his lips. I would give my life for him to haunt my dreams every night. My god. I feel tears bathing my face. It's the first time that I've cried since the death of my guide. I close my eyes and I feel his presence around me. His heat surrounds me and rocks me, the pain becomes blurred and there is only peace. I reopen my eyes and I see in Damian's cradle a sketch of a wolf and a jaguar under the moonlight. How did it get there ? I take it in my hands. Some words are written ...I recognize the writing of my love.
"Live for the one that one I love,
Love as no one has loved,
Give asking nothing in return...
For all this be blessed, Enqueri..."
It is not signed and nevertheless I know that it's him. The hope is reborn in my heart. We shall meet each other one day, in a world where only love reigns, and where the death and pain have no place. I close my eyes. I'm so tired, I sit on the rocking chair, and I allow the breath of the little one, who only asks to be loved, to rock me.
I'm in the jungle again. I haven't returned here any more since my "gifts" were removed from me. I move slowly, I hear a voice a little farther. I arrive in a clearing where Blair sits in front of a campfire, talking with the wolf that's lying down at his feet. I can't believe it. My beautiful, my sweet Blair ... He turns to me and his eyes shine with a particular light. He moves to me and embraces me, burying his head in the hollow of my shoulder.
"You came at last. I've waited a long time for you."
"How is this possible?"
His smile is brilliant. His fingers trace the outlines of my face... I don't dare move; I am so afraid that he will disappear into thin air. He brings me near the fire and forces me to sit down near him. Flames are reflected on the face. He looks like an angel. He takes time to observe me and shakes his head in a disapproving air.
"Jim..."
Undergrowth in front of me begins moving, and the jaguar appears. He seems so sad and in a bad state. He lies down with difficulty at my feet.
"Jim, it's time that you begin to live again."
"I..."
"I know what I ask you is difficult but you must go on, you cannot continue to live in the past."
"I can't...There are so many things that I should have said to you."
"Then say them, we have all the time in the world."
"What's the use now, you are not there any more...I miss you so much."
Blair approaches me and slowly he drops a kiss on my lips. "You don't need to keep silent any more, I heard your heart. If I had known ...How much time and suffering we could have saved ourselves... James Joseph Ellison, I love you ..."
It isn't true, it's not possible ...All this time lost for nothing. I want to roar...
"Blair, my sweet Blair." I take him in my arms and hold him hard.
"And Jess? I believed that you love her?"
"Yes, I love her but not with the same passion and the same love I had for you. She knew it. She was so good for me. But Jim, there is only one person who made me feel like that...You...And even through death, our love always survives, it is what allows me to be with you this evening."
"I love you so much."
"Then live..."
The fire is tinged with a bluish light and my mentor appears.
"Welcome, Enqueri."
"Incacha!"
"It's time to fulfill your mission now."
"What mission?"
"Protect and love the one who will become Shaman of the Great City.
Once this is carried out, you should bring the guide to the new Guardian of the Great Village."
"But how will I know?"
"When the time will come, you will know."
He disappeared as he appeared. Blair looks at me and I understand that the dream is going to come to an end.
"Remember my love, I will wait for you. Our link cannot be broken. You will only have to close your eyes and put your hand over your heart, to know how much I love you. Take good care of my little one, and when you have made a man of him, I will wait for you here even to join all those who love us."
"Blair, I..."
"It's time and you know it. Don't be sad. I am not because we shall meet each other one day soon."
We share a last passionate kiss. Everything fades out around me. No, not yet. Blair!!! I wake up and I see Damian who looks at me from his cradle. His face splits into an enormous smile. My god, he looks so much like his father. I get up and I take him in my arms. The sun begins to rise. I open the balcony doors to admit the sun, the messenger of this new life which begins....
The end