Title: Death's door.

Author/ pseudonym: Morgana.

Fandom: The Sentinel.

Parings: Blair/Jim.

Rating: NC-17.

Status: in progress.

Archive: Yes, just drop me a note telling me where you're archiving it.

E-mail address for feedback: morgana@avalon.cobweb.nl

Series/Sequel: Stand-alone.

My website: http://www.avalon.cobweb.nl

Disclaimer: The Sentinel is a creation by Danny Bilson and Paul DeMeo and belongs to Paramount Pictures, Pet Fly Productions & UPN.

Summary; after Jim kills Lash someone needs to take care of a sedated Blair Sandburg.

Warning: This story is definitely Alternate Universe!

Spoilers: Season one.

Notes: //… // depicts thoughts. Episode related; Cypher.

Blair no longer cares about infuriating Lash. Hell, he is going to die in a few minutes anyway. This might be his last chance to vent his own anger. "Why did you make mommy punish you? You know, if you had just been a good little boy -- a good little Davey -- mama wouldn't have had to have scrubbed you in all those hot baths!"

Lash's face contorts and he lunges forward. Blair immediately sees the vial; filled with the sedative Lash fed him earlier. Man, he's still groggy from that last dose! As Lash creeps closer, Blair fails to keep a tight reign on his panic. He frantically pulls at the chains, but they don't give in. A slow ache builds in his wrists and ankles, where chains cut off his blood circulation.

Oh, man! He's living his worst nightmare! Lash's evil expression almost makes him throw up. This time, he's not going to make it. Ever since becoming involved in Jim's work he's been in too many dangerous situations. His hands clench into fists as Lash grabs his face. //The sedative… Don't swallow the sedative!// his instincts warn him.

But Lash forces his lips apart and pours the bitter tasting substance into his mouth. //Don't swallow!// Blair repeats frantically, but Lash cuts off his air supply and massages his throat, forcing the vile liquid down his throat.

//No!// Blair screams mentally, knowing that he just lost his last opportunity to fight Lash. The sedative travels down his throat, making him cough. //No… I don't want to die yet… not like this. Jim!// But the cop isn't here. Jim doesn't even know where Lash took him! Why did it take that damn pager so long to ring?

"Police! Freeze!" Jim slowly descends down the staircase, never losing sight of Lash, who is dressed like Blair. Jim hates the loathsome sight. Lash completely lost his mind and now wants to be Sandburg!

With a quick glance he scans Blair's condition. Sandburg's heartbeat was awfully fast and is now slowing down… slowing down… it's much too slow now! The sedative is incapacitating him! //Hold on, Chief!// Jim is determined to bring in Lash and rescue the anthropologist.

Only now, in the face of death, he realizes how much he cares about the bouncy young man. They only met weeks ago and Blair has quickly become the most important person in his life. It's the first time he feels really comfortable around someone and Lash isn't going to take that away from him!

Blair desperately tries to hold onto consciousness, but the sedative makes everything blurry and he can't even separate Jim's form from the wall. He's slowly drifting away, hardly believing that Jim found him. Oh, he loves that man. Only Jim Ellison, his sentinel, would be able to track Lash down. A beam of warmth washes through his body, as he hears that cherished voice. Jim is here to help him!

Although his mind is draped in fog, Blair remembers Lash descending the staircase carefully…. Didn't he say something about a 'party crasher' step? His vocal cords refuse to cooperate and his heart briefly stops as the step collapses under Jim's feet.

Blair cocks his head with difficulty, fighting the increasing vertigo. The room is spinning and Lash's collected trophies turn into the dead victims themselves, closing in on him. Quickly, he tries to focus on Jim, who has become his lifeline, but his sentinel has disappeared from view.

//They must be fighting… oh, man… Jim, don't let him win. The psycho will kill us both… please Jim. I need you. I can't move! Damn chains and…// He closes his eyes as the colors around him explode with startling intensity. Feeling terrified and incredibly helpless his hands tighten around the chains. //Please, Jim…//

*

//You're going down, bastard!// Jim thinks, concentrating on fighting Lash. The madman possesses an insane strength and managed to pull him along when he fell. Hunting Lash in the dark, Jim reaches out with his sense of hearing. Yes, Blair's still breathing! Sounds like the sedative slowed down Sandburg's heartbeat, but Blair's still hanging in there!

Faced with losing his new friend, Jim fights down his fears. How can it be that Blair Sandburg became part of his life this quickly? The kid would only stay for one week, but he had never asked Blair to pack his things and leave. Blair had brought life to the loft, had made it home and for the first time Jim actually looks forward to coming home after a long day. He looks forward to it because Blair will be there.

//Focus!// Jim chides himself. Blair taught him a lot about using and controlling his senses and he isn't going to fail Sandburg now. Simon and his team will shortly move in, but right now he is the only thing standing between Lash and Blair.

A shard of glass reflects Lash's face and Jim quickly spins around. He's going to end this cat and mouse game now! Blair is drugged and needs his help. Five bullets leave the barrel of his gun and impact with Lash's body. The force of the impact rocks Lash back and he drops onto the floor.

//Make sure he's dead!// Jim stalks closer, no longer reading a heartbeat. Yes, Blair's nemesis is dead! Ignoring his own aching body he runs back to the dentist chair to check on Blair.

Upon his arrival his heart misses a beat. Blair's eyes are open, but stare blankly at the ceiling. "Hold on, Chief. Help is on the way." Simon and his team will arrive in a few minutes. "Blair? Chief? Can you hear me?" He sits on his heels and waves his hand in front of Sandburg's face, who doesn't respond.

"Just hang in there, buddy. The medics will be here soon and Lash is dead." Jim swears a tiny shudder moves through Blair's body. Acting on impulse he gently rests his right hand on Blair's brow, tucking the locks behind his friend's ears. Slowly, he rubs Blair's skin in a soothing motion.

Infuriated, he realizes that Lash chained Blair. Hands and feet chained, Blair can barely move. "Chief? I need the keys to get those chains off of you. Lash probably keeps them on his body. I've got to leave you for a sec and get them." Blair's whimper takes him aback. Sheer horror stares back at him. "Okay, Chief, I will wait until Simon gets here, deal?"

Blair desperately wants to grab hold of him, wants to feel Jim's arms wrapped around him, keeping him safe, but can't move. His lips refuse to move and he can only stare at his friend. //Please stay, Jim. Don't leave me alone, please!// He no longer feels his body, feels afloat and terrified, he manages another whimper.

"I'm here, Chief," Jim soothes him, caressing sweaty and tangled locks. "You did great, Blair."

Blair wants to smile, but can't feel his face. He did great? Geeze, didn't Jim hear him scream when Lash removed the gag?

"It's okay, Blair," Jim repeats and looks over at Simon, who's leading his team inside. "Simon? Lash is downstairs. I bet he's got the key to Blair's chains."

Simon bellows an order at the man closest to him, to go fetch those keys. He then moves closer to Jim and Sandburg, hating the terrified expression in Blair's eyes. It's not the first time he wonders about the anthropologist. They didn't do the kid a favor by giving him observer status. Blair should be safely at Rainier, teaching gifted youngsters. But he can't speak those words now. Not now when Blair helped them catch Lash. "Hey kid." Simon takes in Blair's dishevelled appearance. Bruises are starting to form near the kid's right eye.

"Jim told me you fought him?" Simon had cringed when Jim had told him about the state the loft was in. He promptly despatched two uniformed cops to clean the loft up after Forensics had been through the mess. Blair reminds of Daryl, who always looked this terrified waking up from a nightmare. "Just let us do our job? We'll take care of you."

Blair can only stare at the two men, wondering how they found him. He owes Jim his life. The sentinel saved his ass. "Ji…m-m," he stutters, shivers running up and down his spine. He feels awfully cold and bile is building in his stomach. "Get-t me… out o-of this-s… chair?" It takes all his strength to whisper those words.

"We need the keys, Chief," Jim reminds him, trying to hide his immense release now that Blair's capable of speech again. His fingers pull loose Blair's hair and he gently fingers the locks. "You're safe now." Not really realizing what he's doing he starts to rub Blair's knee as well in an effort to comfort the younger man.

"Captain? We found these keys on the perpetrator."

Simon snatches the keys from the man's hand and throws Jim one set. Together, they quickly remove the chains.

Jim's anger flares again at the sight of Blair's abused wrists. The skin is raw and small droplets of blood run down Blair's thumbs. "Better, Chief?" he says and smiles.

Blair stares in disbelief at the chains that now rest on the cold floor. He's free again. "The chair-r," he reminds Jim. He hates being confined to this dentist chair and his upset stomach is making him queasy.

Jim recognizes the terror in Blair's eyes and pulls his friend to his feet. "Let's get out of here, Chief." Assisted by Simon, he manages to haul Blair up the stairs. As they hit the cold midnight air, Blair doubles over and Jim quickly steadies him, as the younger man drops to his knees. "It's okay, Blair. Just let go."

Blair feels embarrassed as he starts to throw up, but the sedative definitely upset his stomach. He wraps his arms around his waist, desperately trying to regain control over his emotions, but stark fear has a tight hold on him.

Simon takes a step back, realizing that Jim can deal with this and his team needs directions on how to proceed. "Take care of him, Jim." Jim nods and Simon quickly returns to the crime scene.

"S-sorry," Blair stammers as the dry heaves subdue a little. "You m-must think that-t I'm a whimp-p." He hates his slurred speech and feels terribly ashamed at showing his weakness.

"No, I don't, Chief." Jim soothingly rubs his friend's back and feels the tense muscles underneath his fingertips. "Just let the medics check on you and then I'm going to take you home." Violent shudders rack Blair's body and Jim protectively folds his arms around the trembling body.

"Detective Ellison?" the medic says and already tries to take in his patient's condition. "Can I have a look at him?"

"Sure," Jim states, but doesn't release Blair as the younger man tries to pull back. Silently offering his support, he pulls Blair into a sitting position.

Blair's head is lolling and he tries to focus on the question the medic is asking him. "Seda…tive," he manages, then wraps his arms tighter around his still constricting stomach. "Man, make it… stop-p," he whimpers in pain.

"I can give you something to ease the cramps, but you need to lie down and rest." The medic exchanges a look with Jim. "Lots of fluids, sleep, keep him off his feet and make sure he's warm. You should see definite improvement during the next 12 hours."

Jim mentally stores all instructions away for later and concentrates on Blair again. The younger man leans heavily against him, almost dozing off due to fatigue. "Come on, Chief. Let's go home." Yes, he's going to take Blair home and keep him there. "Sometimes I wonder if I should keep you locked up, Blair. You're trouble."

Blair smiles weakly and tries to get to his feet again, but he lacks the necessary strength. Luckily, Jim's there, supporting and guiding him to the squad car that will take them home.

Jim helps him, making sure that Blair is comfortable on the back seat and slips into place beside him. His arms are still tightly locked around Sandburg, making sure Blair stays upright. "Just lean against me, Chief. That's what I'm here for."

Blair gladly gives in, not even considering it odd that Jim is holding him so tightly. He needs the contact, needs to know he survived and that he's close to his sentinel. //My sentinel… my Jim.//

Jim notices the soft sigh and peeks at Blair's face. "Are you okay, Chief? Yes, that's it. Rest your head on my shoulder." Not paying any attention to the confused expression of the cop who's driving, he completely focuses on Blair, whose heartbeat is growing stronger again. But he hates the stench of vomit clinging to Blair.

"Want me to make some of that tea for you, which you usually drink before going to sleep? Or do you want to take a shower, Blair?" Jim hopes that hearing his voice will calm Blair down. It always works when Blair pulls him from a zone out!

Blair listens to the soothing voice and relaxes. Lash is dead, but he can hardly believe it. Only moments ago he was convinced the psychopath was going to kill him! He'd already given up hope that he would get out alive and now he's sitting next to Jim, strong arms keeping him safe.

Oh yes. He fell in love with the sentinel weeks ago. He can't tell the exact moment, but it happened somewhere between getting slammed into the wall and moving into the loft. However, he's trying hard to keep his feelings a secret, not wanting to make Jim feel uncomfortable. He's content to be near the man, to hear his voice, seeing Jim work his sentinel magic. //How pathetic am I?//

"Blair? Blair? We're home, buddy." Jim protects his friend's head as Blair struggles out of the car. He's wobbly on his feet and Jim quickly re-establishes his hold on the younger man. "We'll take the elevator, okay?"

"Everything-g… s-spinning-g, man," Blair stutters, wondering why he's walking on the ceiling and staring at the floor above his head.

"Just hold on to me, Chief," Jim says soothingly and guides him into the elevator. Blair's rocking on his feet and Jim briefly considers scooping the younger man up in his arms, but he doesn't want to take that last bit of control away from Blair. "We're almost there, Blair."

Exhausted, Blair doesn't bother to answer. //Back at the loft… back home… with Jim…// He never thought he would ever return here! Then he remembers… "Loft… mes-s…"

"They cleaned it up. Even put in a new door." Jim smiles as he half carries Blair inside. "See?"

With immense effort Blair manages to lift his eyes. "Cool." Lash kicked in the old one to get to him. "Sorry about-t… the mes-s…" he apologizes. He fought like hell to stay out of Lash's reach.

"Sit down, Chief." Jim steers him over to the sofa and helps him sit down. He quickly closes the door and then returns to his friend. "Tell me, Darwin. What do you want? Sleep? Tea? Shower?"

"Too t-tired," he stutters, "Sleep-p."

Jim nods his head. "Yes, you better sleep off the effects of that drug. Stay here?" He hurries into Blair's room and retrieves some sweats. "Let's get you out of those clothes." They stink of sedative, sweat and terror. "You can take that shower in the morning."

Blair simply leans back into the comfort of the pillows and feels Jim's hands as they remove his clothes. Part of him wonders why Jim is undressing him, but the other half feels too numb to comment on it. Jim's hands occasionally touch his skin and he sighs at the delicate sensation.

Jim smiles, hearing that soft sigh. "It's good to be home, isn't it, Chief?" He reminds himself to keep on talking, trying to take the edge off Blair's memories. As he helps Blair into the sweat pants he can't help but notice the bruises that are starting to form on Blair's skin. Sandburg must have fought like hell!

Blair leans forward and manages to raise his arms. Jim quickly helps him into the sweatshirt and studies the draped eyes. "Think you can sleep?"

Blair shakes his head. It's easier than vocalizing his thoughts. No way he can sleep after Lash almost killed him. Lash's evil eyes float in front of him and he whimpers afraid.

Seeing Blair like this tears at his heart. Why did Lash choose Blair? If only he had been able to spare Blair this horror. "Let's get you to bed," he whispers soothingly and this time he scoops Blair up in his arms.

"What… you… doing-g?" Blair tries to keep his eyes from dropping shut. Why is he afloat in the room? His head rests against Jim's warm chest and he feels incredibly safe. Instinctively, his hands claw Jim's shirt and don't let go when his roommate lowers him onto his bed. His room… he's back in his room!

"Come on, Chief. You're safe, let go." But Blair doesn't release his hold and Jim sits on the side of the bed. In Blair's eyes sparkles naked fear. "You don't want to be alone? Is that it?" He can understand that. Trauma does that to a man and right now, Blair's hanging onto him, needing a lifeline. "Want me to stay?"

"Please…" Blair buries his fingernails even deeper into Jim's clothes. "Stay…" His eyes plead for understanding, for compassion. Every time he closes his eyes, Lash is staring back at him and he needs Jim to keep the monster away. "Still hear him…"

Pleased, Jim notices that the slurring speech is growing less. Caroline told him that the drug was only short acting. "Okay, I'll stay." The truth is that he doesn't want to leave Blair alone. "Move over a little." He sits down, rests his back against the wall and encourages Blair to snuggle up to him.

Blair refuses to loosen his hold on Jim and curls up against the warm and hard body. He can worry about the consequences of his behavior later. Jim probably hates seeing him act this weak and vulnerable, but he doesn’t have the strength to pretend. "Hold me?" he begs.

"I'm holding you, Blair. No one is going to get close to you. I'll keep you safe. Go to sleep now. Everything will look better in the morning when that drug is out of your system." It surprises Jim how much he enjoys holding his friend. Blair feels warm and he can't stop his hand from tangling in the auburn locks.

Blair loses the fight to stay awake and drifts off into sleep, but this time Lash's face doesn't appear to mock him. Jim's close, standing guard and keeping the evil away.

Jim senses how the body in his arms starts to relax and let go. Fingering a single lock, he almost zones on the sensation of feeling each separate silky hair underneath his fingertips. He pulls up the comforter and covers Blair's too cold body with it. Tonight, he's going to stay awake and watch over his guide.

Mesmerized by Blair's closeness he brings the lock of hair to his lips and kisses the strand, memorizing taste, scent and texture.

His eyes grow big as he realizes what he's doing! Kissing Blair's hair? Why would he do that? Looking down at the still form in his arms he suddenly allows the truth in, which he fought for weeks.

"I almost lost you tonight," he whispers, certain that Blair can't hear him. "Blair, I didn't know… but I'm in love with you." The insanity of that statement slowly drips into his mind. "I've never been in love with another man before, Blair… Never knew I could feel this way about a guy."

He kisses the lock of hair again, relishing Blair's closeness. "Can't tell you, Chief. Can't ever tell you… but I promise… you're safe now. I will use my senses to keep you safe."

Blair shifts in his arms and Jim sucks in his breath, terrified that Blair heard his admission. But the young anthropologist remains asleep. His secret is still safe. Staying awake, Jim guards the dreams of the man he loves.

(2)

Warm… he feels warm and safe. Strong arms are wrapped around him and his head is bobbing along with the up and down movement of someone's chest. //Chest?// Blair suddenly realizes that he isn't alone. This definitely feels like his bed and as his eyes open carefully, he recognizes his room, but why is someone in bed with him?

The words echo in his mind and he cringes, biting his lip hard. How could he forget about Lash? About being chained to that dentist chair? Man, the head case wanted to be him! Lash had wanted to take over his life! The man had been seriously psychotic! It if hadn't been for Jim… he's afraid to finish that thought.

//Jim!// Startled, his eyes flash open and stare at Jim, who fell asleep holding him. Jim is sitting upright in bed, back resting against the wall and Jim's arms are tightly wrapped around him, holding him close!

//Fuck, what…?// Last night's events come crushing in on him and his breathing quickens. Shit, he can't use a panic attack right now! He needs to calm down, steady his breathing, but his body shakes violently with remembered horror and his fingers are still buried in Jim's sweatshirt. //Calm down, Sandburg. Calm down! He's going to think you're a whacko. Just take deep breaths and…

But his arms… My God, why is he in my bed, holding me tight? What happened last night?// The last 12 hours are still a little blurry, but he remembers Jim coming to the rescue and Simon marching in later. They freed him from that damned dentist chair and Jim had taken him home, had cared for him.

Closing his eyes again, he wonders what to do. Resting in Jim's arms feels awfully reassuring and the man's body smoulders with heat. This is so comfortable, but at the same time he knows it can't continue. Jim will wake shortly and regret manoeuvring himself into such a compromising position.

//He never before held me like this.// Yes, Jim touches him a lot, slammed him into walls and had even shielded his body when the drug lab he was living next to exploded, but this is a full body cuddle and it makes him hungry for more.

And that's what makes this dangerous. He doesn't want to move out of these arms, doesn’t want to look at Jim's judging eyes. Man, he really fucked up last night. Did he really throw up in front of everyone?

Inwardly cringing he feels lost. What should he do? //But I don't want to lose this closeness.// He has never felt this safe before. Not even Naomi could give him this sense of security, as she was always on the move. Resting in Jim's arms is a dream come true and it scares him like hell.

"Hello, Chief. Feeling any better?"

Jim's voice almost makes him jump out of bed. Only Jim's arms keep him back and he wishes he were still asleep. He so doesn't want to deal with this right now! "I'm sorry, Jim," he stammers embarrassed, wondering why Jim isn't releasing him. Jim can't possible feel comfortable holding him this intimately!

"Blair?" Jim tries again, concerned to see the distant expression in his friend's blue eyes. The drug should have lost its effect by now and Blair should be lucid. "Blair? Talk to me, Chief."

"I'm sorry, man," Blair whispers, wishing the earth would open and swallow him. Unable to look into Jim's eyes he keeps them closed, but he can't shut out the sentinel's closeness. The strong arms, the warm and hard body… did he really snuggle up to Jim?

"What for?" Jim asks confused. "What are you sorry for?" He wants to comfort Blair so badly and finally strokes the soft hair, which feels sweaty underneath his fingertips. He can literally smell Blair's fear. "What's wrong, Chief?"

"I fucked up big time last night." Blair doesn't know how to act or what to say. He's never before been this close to Jim and the man's warmth is intoxicating. //Stop it!// he chides himself. //He's just trying to comfort me. Lash almost killed me and I nearly went hysteric on him! Maybe this was the only way to calm me down! There's nothing erotic about this! You're in bed with Jim, yes. Together, yes. But he isn't going to make love to you, never! Get that into your thick skull!//

"Blair? You didn't fuck up. You did everything right. You kept calm, even though you expected to die. You tried to talk him out of it and that's why I could hone in on your voice. You did everything right," he repeats. "Lash was a sick bastard." It hurts to hear Blair accuse himself of being a failure. "You thought you were about to die and didn't lose it." He sighs relieved when Blair remains motionless in his arms. Briefly, he was afraid that Blair would try to get out of bed. He seriously doubts that Sandburg's system has sufficiently recovered from the sedative. "Don't be too hard on yourself."

Blair desperately tries to control his emotions. "You didn't hear me scream," he whispers in an unguarded moment, immediately regretting the slip of his tongue. Jim's body tenses next to his and Blair swallows hard. He so doesn't want to hear Jim's reply. Jim is going to tell him that he should give up his observer status, that he should go back to Rainier. Simon will nod his head, saying, "Kid can't pull his weight. Told you, Jim," and Jim will agree. Next thing he knows his credentials will be in Simon's drawer.

No, he wants to be Jim's partner. The sentinel still needs someone to guide him, to teach him to control his senses, but… maybe Jim needs a different guide? Someone who can defend himself and won't allow a serial killer to get to him? He starts to sob slightly, self-loathing still growing. //Don't want him to see me cry. Try to act like a man, Sandburg!//

Hearing the tiny sobs makes Jim's eyes water. "Don't cry, Chief. Believe me, you did a great job and Simon will tell you the same thing. You didn't fuck up. Lash was a certified psychopath. You didn't stand a chance." His heart speeds up, hearing Blair's muffled sobs. "If crying makes you fee better, cry. Just let go."

"Man, this is so… humiliating. Don't want you to see me crying," Blair sobs and wipes his tears away with the sleeve of his sweater. "But I really thought I was going to die and Lash, he put this wig on and…"

"Slow down, Blair." Jim re-establishes his hold on Sandburg and pulls him onto his lap. "Look at me, Chief?" The red eyes that glance back at him, plead for understanding, but also speak of self-loathing. "You're my hero, okay? And I don't want to hear any different!" He puts all his conviction into that statement. "Blair, cut yourself some slack."

Blair shrugs his shoulders in Jim's embrace. "I should have fought him harder."

"I saw the state the loft was in when I got home last night. He overpowered you, didn't he?"

"Kicked in the door," Blair remembers and shudders. "At first I didn't realize it, but he was hiding a syringe in his right hand. When he got close enough he injected it into my shoulder. I tried to get away from him, but my coordination was gone and I…"

"SShst," Jim soothes him. "Lash is dead, remember? You didn't stand a chance fighting him." Cold anger builds higher. Lash injected the sedative. "How are you feeling now, Chief?" He wants Blair to feel comfortable, wants him to forget about that desperate struggle and his captivity.

"Awkward," Blair mumbles, realizing his head is safely tucked between Jim's shoulder and chin. "Didn't know what was going on when I woke up. Don't get me wrong here, man. I love you being close, but… how did you end up in my bed?" Blair can't believe he really asked that question. What the hell is he doing? He should just pretend this isn't happening instead of making Jim even more uncomfortable.

Jim smiles warmly. "You wouldn't let go, Chief."

"Huh?" Blair stammers confused. "What are you talking about, man?"

"Where are your hands right now?" Jim asks, trying to keep the smugness from his tone.

Blair looks down, staring at his hands, which are still clawing Jim's clothes. "That's just great, man. I dragged you into bed with me?"

Jim peeks at Blair's eyes, but they remain evasive and he reminds himself that Blair needs time. "You were scared and wanted me to stay. Told me that you kept seeing Lash's face."

Blair shivers. "Man, don't remind me." A memory flashes and Lash's hands are back on his face, taunting him. "Shit," he whispers embarrassed as he buries himself deeper within the embrace. He doesn't want to lose it in front of Jim, who probably doesn't hold a high opinion of him in the first place. This will only make things worse!

"It's okay." Jim feels worried now that he isn't getting through to his friend. "Blair, believe me. I really, really mean it when I say that you did great. You didn't fuck up. Is that understood?"

Blair remains quiet. Jim is really trying to convince him, isn't he? Jim is a good man. //But I don't deserve this leniency.// "I was fooling myself, you know. I really thought I could watch your back and now you have to save my ass constantly."

"I'm a cop and it's a dangerous job, Blair. You're not trained to deal with the trash out there. That's what I am for… you make me feel human and I need that."

"Human?"

Jim flashes a grin now that he piqued Blair's curiosity. "I've got to lock out my feelings when I am on the job. But when I get back to the loft and find you here I can let them back in." He likes the sudden sparkle in Blair's eyes. "It's the truth, Blair. I don't want to go back to the way I 'functioned' before I met you. I didn't feel alive back then, but I feel alive now."

Slowly, he relaxes in Jim's arms. He never expected this revelation. "I didn't know that…" he starts, suddenly feeling damn shy. "I love working with you, Jim. I love…" Shit, can he say it? "I love living here… I know we agreed on only one week, but…"

"Don't you think there is a reason I'm keeping you around, Chief? I didn't ask you to leave, now did I?" Jim enjoys playing little mind games on Blair. Usually, Sandburg outwits him, but not this time. "Plus, you make a great spaghetti sauce and the pasta is always al dente, just the way I like it!" Pleased, he listens to Blair's giggle, memorizing each layer to it and carefully locking it away.

"Knew there was a reason why you kept me around." Blair hesitantly locks eyes with Jim and what he finds in those blue eyes stuns him. There's no condemnation, no loathing. Only caring and compassion shines from Jim's eyes. Suddenly, a lump forms in his throat and Blair can no longer pretend he isn't in Jim's arms. Who's he kidding anyway? //Dragged him into bed. Yeah, like I could physically force Jim to do anything he doesn't want to do.//

"Why don't you take that shower and I'll fix breakfast in the meantime? Sounds to me like you get the easier part of the job," Jim suggests as Blair's stomach growls. "You can use all the warm water you need, Chief."

//Yeah,// Blair muses, //that does sound great, but that also means I've got to move out of your arms and I don't want to do that.// But rationally he knows they've got to move. Jim's back is probably sore from sitting in that same position all night long and man, does he need that shower! "It's a deal."

Jim carefully moves away from his friend and gets to his feet. Blair's paleness worries him and he needs to take a look at the welts those chains left behind. "Do you need help in getting to the bathroom, buddy?"

"Don’t start, Jim. I'm not an invalid! I can manage!" Blair whispers uncomfortably. The mere thought of Jim touching him again, helping him undress, changes his skin into goose flesh. //Stop fooling yourself! Jim is merely worried, nothing else!// But how he wishes it were something else, something more!

Realizing that his friend needs some privacy Jim marches into the kitchen to start breakfast. However, sentinel eyes monitor Blair's movements. He almost hurries to his friend's side when Blair loses his balance, but Sandburg quickly steadies himself. Concerned, Jim wonders where to go from here. Blair's embarrassment puzzles him. Why does Sandburg think he screwed up?

Blair feels Jim's eyes on him as he cautiously moves over to the bathroom to take that much needed shower. As he closes the bathroom door behind him, he knows Jim is still monitoring his vital signs and can probably tell what he is doing by listening to him.

His hands shake as he strips and then he steps underneath the warm water beams. He didn't realize just how dirty he felt until now. Viciously, he runs the soap over his face, trying to wash away the imaginary print of Lash's hands. Soft sobs tear from his lips and he hopes the shower covers up his whimpering moans. He doesn't want Jim to hear him cry. Doesn't want to show this weakness in front of the hard ass cop. He can't afford to lose the little respect Jim has for him.

Jim works automatically, tossing the small pancakes and looking after the toast. Blair's soft sobs sounds like keening wails to his ears and he's sorely tempted to walk in there and pull the younger man into his arms, except… Blair won't want that. //We need to talk… and I hate talking, but… this will eat him alive and maybe… maybe I will have to tell him that I'm in love with him. Now there's something that will freak him out!//

Blair turns off the shower and wraps himself up in thick towels. As he stares at his reflection in the mirror, he whimpers. The man that looks back at him is definitely a mess. How can stand Jim the sight of him? Why is Jim going through all this trouble to reassure and comfort him? //Maybe it's about friendship?// But he wants this to be about love! //Fat chance!//

"Chief? Breakfast is ready. I made pancakes, toast, boiled the eggs just the way you like them… Blair?" Worried, he focuses on Blair's rapid breathing. "Want me to bring in some clothes?"

"Yeah, man." In disgust, Blair stares at the sweaty clothes he wore during the night. Jim surely had to dial down his sense of smell!

Jim quickly fetches underwear, jeans and a blue shirt from Blair's room. On his way out, he grabs a pair of thermal socks and then returns to the bathroom. He knocks once. "Here," he announces and pushes the door ajar, relieved that Blair didn't lock it.

"Thanks," Blair mumbles, still feeling embarrassed. "Don't you have to go in today? You know, take care of the paperwork?" He quickly puts on the clothes, feeling a little more in control now.

"We should have a look at those welts," Jim states as Blair joins him for breakfast. "Don't want you to end up with ugly scars because of that son of a bitch."

Blair stares at the set table. It's obvious Jim brought out the comfort food, but the mere smell makes him feel sick.

"Try the toast?" Jim offers him a slice and encourages him to accept it. "You need to eat something to settle your upset stomach."

Blair accepts the toast and butters it. Then, he reaches for the tea and sips from it. "Well, do you have to go in today?"

"Yeah, need to write last night's report." He studies Blair and reaches a decision. "I already called Rainier and your classes are covered. I would really like you to come down to the station with me." Truth is that he wants Blair close just in case ugly memories come crashing in on Sandburg. He's surprised when Blair nods his head, not even reprimanding him for calling the U without his knowledge.

"I can do that," Blair acknowledges. "I can go to the station with you, help you with the paperwork and…" His voice trails off. He didn't realize that working on the report means mentally replaying last night's events.

"Eat your toast," Jim reminds him. "And then we'll make a stop at Cascade General Hospital to make sure that drug is out of your system." Again, Blair nods resigned and that worries him. Blair usually challenges his decisions. "Start eating."

Reluctantly, Blair takes a bite out of his buttered toast and slowly chews it. It takes him a few minutes to eat the entire slice.

"Have a pancake." Jim unceremoniously drops the small pancake on Blair's plate and pours some honey over it. "You like it that way," he explains.

Blair first pushes the pancake around on his plate, but then obediently eats it. "Please, no more."

"Just an apple," Jim states and hands it to Blair. "You need the vitamins and you love apples."

"When did you start paying attention to my favorite foods?" Blair gives him a questioning look.

Jim decides to ignore the question and walks over to Blair's room to get his shoes. "We better get this over with. Hospital first, station later. I'm sure Simon wants to talk to you."

Simon… Blair cringes. The captain's probably angry with him. Simon never wanted him on the team!

Jim notices the sadness in Blair's eyes and asks, "What are you thinking?" He cleans up the kitchen and throws Blair his coat.

"Do you think Simon is going to pull my credentials?" Blair never wanted to say that, but as he falls into step with Jim he can't help but wonder.

Jim opens the door of the truck and gestures Blair to hop in. "Why would he do that?" He closely observes Blair as the younger man sits down and buckles up.

"He doesn't like me," Blair whispers in a subdued voice.

"Simon likes you a lot," Jim corrects him and fires up the engine. "Simon just doesn't show his emotions."

//Wish I could believe that,// Blair thinks saddened.

Blair's unusual silence continues to worry Jim, but rationally he knows this behavior is to be expected after everything Blair went through. Maybe talking to Simon will convince Blair that he did great last night.

*

Jim keeps stealing glances at Blair. Although the doctor who examined Blair assured him that the drug was no longer affecting his friend, Blair's behavior worries him. Blair is quiet, too quiet and his heartbeat is speeding up now that they're pulling into the garage. Jim wonders about his next step. "Are you still sleepy?"

Blair shakes his head, keeping his clenched hands concealed underneath his coat. In a few minutes he has to face Simon Banks and the few detectives working at Major Crimes, which he's gotten to know during these last weeks. They'll probably whisper behind his back, whisper that he's a loser who got himself kidnapped by a psycho.

"Blair?" Jim finally realizes what's going on here. "Feeling a little low and depressed, buddy?" Hell, he can sympathize. Lash did a good number on Blair.

Blair feels caught and has a hard time denying it. "Guess so."

"Just give it time, Chief. The memories will fade and in a few days you can put everything into the right perspective." He shuts down the engine and gets out of the car.

Blair forces himself to move and shivers leaving the car. As they encounter two uniform cops he keeps his stare locked on the floor.

Seeing Blair like this, makes Jim feel even more protective of the younger man. That's why he rests a hand on Blair's shoulder. However, Blair flinches at the touch and Jim raises a puzzled eyebrow. Blair never reacted like that before. What is he missing here?

Blair counts the seconds as they crawl by. He can't wait to go home and hide underneath the covers until this dark mood lifts from his mind. But first he will have to face Simon Banks. "Did I do something embarrassing last night? Except throwing up in front of everyone?"

"Is that the only thing you remember?" Jim sees a pattern here. Blair has probably forgotten about Simon's words of concern.

"Yeah, that and you freeing me from that chair." Another series of shivers racks his body. Several of the detectives look up as they enter the bull pen and he quickly averts his eyes. The cops walk up to Jim, complimenting him on the great job. It makes Blair feel like shit.

"Hairboy, are you okay? Captain told us that it was a close call."

Blair shrugs his shoulders. H seems worried, but Blair feels apprehensive. "I'm fine." He immediately notices Jim's grunt of disapproval. "Or I will be."

"Ellison! Sandburg! My office!" Simon watches both men and doesn't like Blair's shadowed eyes. Hopefully, the kid will bounce back.

Jim nudges Blair to walk into the captain's office. "Don't worry about it, Chief," he says, trying to reassure his friend. Blair's body is tense and Jim can feel the beginning of fear on the younger man.

"Sit down," Simon starts and uncovers a cigar, which he admires with a loving glance. "Great job, Jim and by the way, you should watch the news. You're Cascade's new hero!" As he speaks those words, he carefully monitors Blair's reaction to them. He doesn't need sentinel senses to see the fear in those hooded eyes.

Blair forces himself not to bite his nails, an old habit, which he reverts to when being under great stress. "Yeah, Jim was great," he agrees, trying to keep Simon's attention on Jim.

"You did well too, kid," Simon says slowly, making sure Blair's listening. The young man's head jerks back, finally meeting his eyes and Simon nods his head. "You hung in there, kid. You stayed calm. It's good to have you on the team." Blair's big eyes tell him that the kid never expected praise. Looked more like he expected his butt kicked out of the station. "Type your report and take the rest of the day off. Hell, take tomorrow off as well… Just this once," he warns them.

Jim gives his captain a smug grin. "Can you put that in writing? 48 hours off? Are you sure you can manage that long without us?"

Blair's fingernails dig into the wooden armrest. Us? Did Jim really say 'us'?

Jim catches Blair's surprise and acts quickly to reassure him. "Yes, we're a team, remember? Partners?" His gaze shifts from Blair to Simon and a look of understanding passes between the two men. Blair really needed to hear this. Needed Simon's assurance that he didn't fail them.

Blair slowly nods his head. "I would like that, partners. Love the sound of it, man." Depression lifts and he manages a smile. "Wanna do that report now?"

"Yeah and then we're heading back home. You need more rest. You look like shit, Blair." Only a few minutes ago he would have hesitated to make such a remark, but now Blair simply pokes him in the ribs as they get up.

Satisfied with the outcome of this conversation, Simon lights his cigar and enjoys watching Jim and Blair bicker during their way over to the desk. Yes, it was about time he told Blair he is an asset to the team. Not to mention that Jim's behavior changed dramatically since hooking up with the anthropologist and it's definitely a change for the better.

Yeah, Ellison and Sandburg make one hell of a team and no one, not Lash, not Kincaid, no one, is going to change that.

(3)

"I'm beat," Blair announces as he slouches into the loft. He reaches the sofa and sinks onto it, closing his eyes and massaging his temples. Although they only stayed three hours at the station, he feels like he worked non-stop for days. Man, he'd kill for 24 hours of undisturbed sleep. And no, he wouldn't mind dreaming of Jim in the least. A naked Jim would even be better.

"Chief?" Seeing Blair fatigued like this, worries Jim. It's probably the stress Blair's been through, but he wishes he could do something to make the younger man feel better.

Jim's voice pulls him back from his fantasies and a weak blush crawls over his face. "Sorry, man. I wasn't listening." With great effort he manages to push himself back to his feet and then joins Jim in the kitchen. Checking the time, he realizes it's almost time to start dinner.

"That's understandable, Chief." Jim watches him closely, his senses attuned to the anthropologist. "You still seem a little shaky."

"I don't get kidnapped and almost murdered every day," Blair replies, trying to sound cheerfully, but unable to pull it off. "It's hard to believe that 24 hours ago Lash was about to burst into the loft," he adds in a softer tone.

"Blair." Jim raises his right hand and rests it on his friend's shoulder. Locks of silky hair brush his skin and he wants to tangle his fingers in those lovely strands, pull Blair closer, close enough to kiss the younger man and… //I want to make love to him!// he realizes with a start. It's a very unsettling thought since he always assumed he was straight as hell. Before Sandburg entered his life he had never been interested in another man!

"Don't zone on me, man. I'm so tired…" Blair continues to watch his friend until he's sure Jim isn't zoning out and then starts to get out pots and pans. "Better make myself useful here…"

"What are you doing? We can order out. Chinese food, Thai or even pizza," Jim states calmly. Blair's trembling, his hands shake and the blue eyes are too draped.

"Hey, you admitted that you only keep me around because of my pasta so…"

Jim cuts him short, "Blair, you don't have to make dinner." This is starting to bother him. Although Blair no longer seems awfully depressed, something in those blue eyes is missing.

"No, I want to cook," Blair clarifies. He smiles, seeing Jim's concerned expression. Damn, it feels good to know that Jim cares that much for him. He will never have Jim's love, so he'll settle for friendship. "Cooking relaxes me. I know that doesn't make any sense, but…" Again, he's denied the chance to finish his sentence.

"I'll help. We'll prepare dinner together and later on we'll watch some TV."

"Veg out in front of the TV?" Blair actually manages a smile. "Would love that, man."

"You start the tomato sauce and I'll take care of the rest," Jim remarks and watches Blair gather the ingredients. //You've got it bad, Ellison. Admit it. All you can think of is taking him here on the kitchen floor, then doing it again on the couch and finally dragging him into your bed. Get your mind out of the gutter!// he chides himself.

They work in silence and Blair occasionally peeks at Jim, whenever he thinks he can get away with it. This is turning into a severe case of hero worship. //He came after me. He killed Lash to save me… We're friends. I have to settle for that. Can't have it all.//

Thirty minutes later Jim carries two plates filled with steaming pasta Bolognese over to the coffee table in the living room. As he looks over his shoulder to urge Blair on, he sees the puzzled look.

"We're going to break rule number 15?" Blair wonders. Eating in the living area is something Jim abhors.

"I'll make an exception for today," Jim says pleased. "You want some wine with that?" During the last half hour he had time to think and reached a decision. He can continue to pretend that he doesn't have these feelings or act on them. God knows life is too short to waste it on unrequited love and there is still a chance Blair might warm up to the idea of becoming lovers. //I can't believe I'm actually considering seducing Blair!// But the thought makes him rock hard and he quickly turns to get the wine so Sandburg won't see his very apparent arousal.

"Wine?" Blair shakes his head. Man, did he just step into the Ellison zone? He never realized it was that weird! "Red wine would be great, Jim," he quickly replies. Sitting down on the couch he tries the pasta, which tastes just right. It's not too spicy so Jim won’t have to dial down his senses that much.

//So far, so good!// Jim thinks pleased and pours the wine. "Check the TV guide, Chief and find us something interesting to watch." He returns to the couch and hands Blair the wine. "Now don't drop it. I don't want any stains on the couch!"

//That sounds like the Jim Ellison I know!// Blair feels slightly relieved and joins Jim as the older man digs into the pasta. "Does it taste okay?" he asks hesitantly, switching channels. Jim's nod reassures him. "What do you prefer? Movie or sports?"

"Definitely a movie," Jim quips and realizes he made the right choice as Blair's eyes light up.

"Okay, what about this one?" Blair leans back. "Wanted to watch it for ages and never had the time."

Jim peeks at the open TV guide and hones in on the tiny writing. "The Haunting?"

"It must have some great special effects, man," Blair replies, suddenly feeling defensive. What's wrong with him? Ever since Lash kidnapped him he's been testy and having mood swings from hell!

"It sounds fine," Jim says reassuringly, wondering about the bitter tone in his friend's voice. Maybe he should postpone talking to Blair about his feelings? "You outdid yourself with the pasta, Chief."

"Thanks," and Blair finds himself grinning at the compliment. "Looks like I can stick around a little longer now."

The movie starts, but Jim can't concentrate on it as he continues to observe Blair. The younger man is trying to hide his nervousness, but can't fool a sentinel. His heartbeat betrays Blair. Jim finishes his pasta and places the empty plate on the coffee table, next to Blair's. Sipping from his wine he wonders how Blair would react to him putting an arm around the younger man. //Wishful thinking!//

As he watches the movie, Blair increases to feel melancholy. "It's sad, don't you think?"

Startled, Jim tries to focus on the movie, but feels lost. He hasn't been paying any attention to it. "What is, Chief?" Why is his hand trying to get closer to Blair's knee? Taking control of his wandering right hand, Jim hopes it didn't make Blair feel uncomfortable.

"The main character… she's never been in love…" Blair muses. Disappointed, he stares at his now empty wine glass and wonders about a refill, which probably is a bad idea. He tends to get depressed when drinking wine.

Jim can't believe Blair handed him that opening. For the last hour he's been trying to bring up that particular subject; love. He has to act now. "And you, Chief? Ever been in love? Really in love?" Jim feels thankful that Blair isn't a sentinel or the younger man would have picked up on his nervousness.

Blair however is too concerned about radiating calm. Did Jim really ask him that? Oh, man… Jim can tell when he lies. This is not good. "Yeah," he whispers eventually, opting for the shortest answer possible, then takes the initiative. "What about you, Jim?" and he compliments himself for turning the conversation around.

Jim doesn't shy away from the subject. Blair is hiding something. He can tell that from the quickened breathing. "Yeah, me too." Jim gets up to retrieve the bottle of wine and fills both their glasses, movie long forgotten. He's tired of playing games, especially when his instincts tell him that he might win this one. "Actually, I'm in love right now."

Blair almost chokes, sipping the wine when Jim utters that admission. He desperately tries to control the tremors rocking his hand. "She's a lucky lady, Jim." Great, he should have known better than to ask. It's bad enough he's in love with Ellison, but now he will have to watch the man date and bring his girlfriend to the loft. It also means moving out after all. No way he can live here, knowing Jim is making love to someone else in the upstairs bedroom.

//Yes!// Jim muses pleased, sensing Blair's growing agitation. He can only hope he's reading the younger man right. //Is he jealous?// God, he hopes so! "Who says it's a woman, Darwin?" he plays his trump.

This time Blair's lips freeze just in time before spitting the wine all over the place.

"There's this guy and…"

"You like men?" Blair finally manages. "I've never seen you with a male date before. Only women."

"Took me a long time to realize I'm in love with him, Chief. I don't usually like men in that way." Jim chides himself privately. //Stop tormenting him!// Choosing a different approach he asks, "Have you ever been in love with a man, Blair?"

Thinking rationally is becoming increasingly different and Blair blinks his eyes. He drowns the rest of his wine in one go. What the hell is Jim talking about and why discuss this with him? Blair knows that he's blushing and trembling, trying hard to deny the possibility that Jim might be talking about him. //That's impossible! Why would he love a nerdy anthropologist?// Gathering his alcohol induced courage he asks, "Does the guy know you're in love with him?"

Jim cocks his head, realizing Blair is fighting this. "I'm telling him now," he says eventually, putting their wine glasses onto the coffee table. Instinctively, he reaches for Blair's hand and clasps his fingers around it. "I'm in love with you, Blair. Now you know."

"You can't be in love with me!" Blair states utterly convinced. "Look, you're a cop, ex-military. Why want me? Don't play these games, man." His mood suddenly changed and anger is building. "Come on, you can't love someone who allows himself to get kidnapped all the time. Rescuing me is becoming your full time job!" Suddenly, he grows aware of Jim's fingers caressing his and he stares down at their twined hands.

"Do you love me too?" Jim already knows the answer, but wants to hear Blair say it. "Just tell the truth, Chief. We've only known each other for a few months, and this is quite sudden… I know that, but just give it to me straight. I can take it." Jim looks at him hopefully. //Please, Blair.//

Blair smiles sadly. "Oh man. I've been in love with you forever. I guess it started when that garbage truck almost flattened you." He feels at a loss, uncertain how to react. Jim is still watching him and then an arm circles his shoulders, pulling him closer.

Jim carefully considers his next move. Now that he knows the feelings are mutual he lets go of his worries. Blair loves him. All this time he was beating himself up for nothing. "Can I kiss you?"

"You don't have to ask, man. Do you have any idea how much I want that?" Blair helplessly stares into Jim's dilated pupils. He recognizes that expression only too well. Shit, he can't be this lucky! Maybe this is just one big dream and he's going to wake up any second now.

Leaning in closer, Jim brushes Blair's locks behind his ears. "I always wanted to know what your hair feels like," he explains and uses his sense of touch to feel the texture of the locks underneath his fingertips. "It's soft and it smells of… chestnuts?"

"That's my shampoo!" Blair smiles weakly. His stomach is still doing somersaults. He can't believe that Jim's looking at him with that special expression in his eyes. It's lust and love, mixed together. Growing impatient now that Jim is not following up on that suggested kiss, he leans in closer himself and hesitantly brushes Jim's lips with his.

That move surprises Jim, but he has to admit he likes Blair taking the initiative like that. He answers the kiss, letting Blair set the pace. Blair's tongue brushes against his teeth and he gladly allows his new lover entry.

Their tongues lock in a duel and Jim relishes Blair's moan. He pulls the younger man onto his lap, resting his hands on Blair's hips. Blair's taste almost causes him to zone, so he reluctantly dials his senses down. Blair's hands cup the back of his neck and his young lover presses him deeper into the pillows of the couch. //He's hungry…// That realization makes him even harder and his erection is straining against his jeans.

Reluctantly, Blair breaks the kiss, desperately needing air. As he looks into Jim's draped eyes he wonders about the older man. "Make love to me?" he whispers, dreading a possible rejection. Maybe he's going too fast, but he needs the physical contact. He's been fantasizing about Jim taking him since falling in love with the sentinel and every time he masturbates he pictures Jim claiming him. It always gets him off.

"Are you sure, Blair?" Jim runs his right hand through the now tangled curls. "Shouldn't we take this slow?" Blair's request takes him aback. "Do you really want me to do that? I could hurt you." Although he's never made love to a man before he knows the dynamics, knows they should be careful.

"I've got lube and condoms," Blair offers apologetically. "Please, Jim… I really want this," and he presses a kiss on Jim's collarbone, eager to find out the older man's sensitive spots.

"Tell me why." Jim rubs his lover's back in long soothing strokes. He's still recovering from the fact that Blair loves him back and now Sandburg wants to make love? "Shouldn't we date first? Something like that?"

"Jim, we've been dating since you walked into my office… " he quips, trying to control his nervousness. //I'm actually sitting on his lap and he's hard!// He feels Jim's erection through the fabric of his jeans and craves skin on skin contact. "You want to know why?" He locks eyes with Jim, who nods his head. "I want to 'have' this. I want to have this memory of our first time together. You could get shot tomorrow or maybe another psycho decides he wants to be me, but at least this way I'll know what it feels when you make love to me."

Jim's resolve to wait longer is faltering. He understands Blair, understands the need. Being a cop is a dangerous job and they've flirted with death too many times during these last weeks. So he gracefully gives in, sealing it with a kiss. "My bedroom… No, our bedroom. I'll help you move your stuff tomorrow."

"You want me to stay there, like permanently?" His heart does a funny thing, skipping a few beats. "Jim… I know you love your privacy and I don't want to intrude… I'm in your face all the time and…"

Jim silences him with a kiss. //A very effective method,// he compliments himself. But then thoughts turn to quicksand as Blair's body rubs against his groin. "Blair," Jim whispers, as the sensation gets too much. "Keep that up and I will come in my pants!"

"That way you'll last longer later," Blair explains wickedly and lunges forward to claim Jim's lips to possess them. It surprises him that Jim isn't taking control of this situation. He assumed he would be bend over the table by now. He always pictured Jim as a very dominating partner, who would want to control their lovemaking. //I was wrong. Jim's giving as much as he's taking.// He feels relieved at that realization. //I want us to be equals!//

Jim brings his arms up his lover's back and his tongue pushes passed Blair's teeth, exploring every inch of Sandburg's warm mouth, which tastes of wine. "You want me to take you?" he asks one last time, giving Blair a chance to say no.

"Jim, I want you inside me. You don’t know how badly I need you to make love to me." Blair's pleading, rubbing his lower body harder against Jim's erection and hears his lover's sharp intake of breath. "Come for me, man. Come for me so you will last longer. Make love to me all night…"

"Fuck," Jim pants as he loses control and comes in his jeans. "You did that on purpose!"

"Yeah," Blair admits. "I want you to make passionate love to me."

Jim shakes his head, realizing Blair will wear him out. He ignores the stickiness in his jeans and rises to his feet. "I'm going to clean up. Why don't you hop into our bed?"

Blair waits until Jim disappeared into the bathroom and then sneaks into his own room to get the lube and condoms he mentioned. When he bought them he felt silly, doubting Jim would ever want to make love to him, but now? He quickly slips them into his pocket and climbs the stairs. Suddenly standing in Jim's bedroom, he feels like an intruder. Maybe this is a bad idea after all.

"Changed your mind, Chief?" Jim joins him, reading the confusion and doubt on Blair's brow.

"Oh my God… You're naked!" Blair stutters, mouth watering at the gorgeous sight in front of him. Ellison reminds him of a sculpture of the Greek god Apollo, which he once admired in a museum. Great pecs, washboard abdomen and very erect. "No," he quickly reassures Jim, "I didn't change my mind about… us. It's just… this is your private space and I feel like invading it."

Jim finally understands something about his new lover. Hidden underneath all the bravado is a very insecure young man. //It's time to take control,// he realizes. But first, he wants some answers. Slowly, he approaches Blair, whose big eyes seem glued to his naked body. "You're drooling, honey."

"Honey? Did you really call me honey?" Blair cringes. "You can do better, big guy." Involuntarily, he takes a step back each time Jim takes a step forward. He's awfully scared he will disappoint Jim in bed.

Jim smiles predatorily and reaches for Blair, who gives in and eases into the embrace. He can hear the thundering of Blair's heart and he silently encourages Sandburg to touch him, to run his fingers over his chest. "Have you ever been with a man?"

"Not exactly," Blair states hesitantly. "Never got passed the stage of kissing. I liked him, but never wanted to make love to him. What about you?"

"You're my first, Blair," Jim reassures him.

Blair's tension grows less. That admission relieves him a bit.

"We're going to take this slow and make sure it's great for both of us," Jim says softly.

Blair cocks his head, mesmerized by the well-defined muscle tone underneath his fingertips. Exploratory, he rubs Jim's nipple with his thumb. Jim's moan goes straight to his groin and his erection struggles against its confines.

"Why don't we get you out of those clothes, Blair?" Slowly, Jim unbuttons Blair's shirt and slides it off the younger man's shoulders. Then, he slips his hands underneath the tee shirt Blair's wearing and quickly dials down his sense of touch at the exquisite sensation. "You feel good."

"Thanks," Blair stutters, overwhelmed by the mere sensation of Jim caressing his skin. He quickly removes his tee shirt and stands shaky in front of his older lover. "Hope I'm not too hairy." He stares at the floor.

"I love the chest hair," Jim whispers into Blair's right ear and then uses his tongue to tease the skin. Nibbling on an ear lobe, he hears Blair's soft panting. With his fingernail he teases Blair's nipple, then leans in closer to lick the erect nub. Blair bucks against him, trying to get closer to him. "You like that…"

"Man, stop teasing me! I want you." Blair looks up pleadingly, hoping Jim won't deny him. "Take me!"

"Easy, Chief. We're both new at this and I'm not going to rush our first time." Jim unzips Blair's jeans and urges his lover to step out of them. The last thing to go is the underwear and finally Blair is naked too. Jim licks his lips, seeing Blair's long and thick cock, feeling the inexplicable desire to run his tongue along that slick shaft.

He wraps an arm around Blair's waist and forces him to lie down on his back. Kneeling, he pushes Blair's legs apart and settles down between them. "Chief… you don't know what this does to me, seeing you naked and willing."

"I'm yours," Blair states seriously. "Please make me yours." He's trembling with need, his cock already slick with pre-ejaculate. Blair runs his hands down Jim's back, relishing the muscular body underneath his fingertips. As he reaches Jim's buttocks, he can't resist and squeezes that tight ass.

Jim watches him fumble, as Blair opens the lube and realizes that he can't wait much longer either. He wants to bury himself in that warm and willing body. Finally, he will claim this young man as his lover. "Let me do that," Jim whispers as Blair tries to squeeze some lube onto his fingers.

Blair smiles weakly. "How do you want me? On my stomach?" His cock is throbbing and he can barely resist the urge to stroke himself to completion. Instead, his fingers cup Jim's balls, gently squeezing them. "I'm nervous," he admits shakily.

"I'm nervous too," Jim confesses and considers Blair's question. "I want to see your face, baby." He grabs his pillow and pushes it underneath Blair's hips, fully exposing the younger man to him. "Blair, you're going to make me come." He takes hold of Blair's hand and forces the younger man to stop stroking him. "And you didn't even come yet! We need to remedy that."

Blair wiggles deeper into the pillow until he's in a comfortable position. Looking up at Jim's hard body he wishes he could close his lips around Jim's cock and suck him dry. "Jim, stop stalling!" and he arches his back in want.

Jim covers one of his fingers with lube and looks at the desire in Blair's eyes. Legs spread wide, back arched, feet braced against the mattress, he's begging to be taken. But Jim's determined to prepare him properly and feels thankful he knows what to do to make this good for Blair too. "Just relax, baby. I'll be inside you soon."

Blair bites his lower lip in disbelief as Jim leans in closer to lick the tip of his cock. The unexpected contact makes him buck and he stares hard at Jim, who now closes his lips around the throbbing cock. "You…" Does Jim really want to go down on him? "You don't have to do that!" he manages, but then grows boneless as Jim's tongue teases his slit. Jim's teeth gently scrape his length and Blair pants hard. "Jim… man… what…"

"Don't worry," Jim whispers, briefly releasing his lover's cock. "I won't let you come yet. I want you to come when I'm inside you." During his time in the army giving and getting blowjobs was nothing special, but it had never felt as good as it did right now. "I love tasting you, baby."

"Jim," Blair pleads, "Inside… now… please…" A moan escapes as something wet and warm teases against his entrance. He grows deliriously as Jim's finger slowly pushes passed the ring of muscle, finally claiming him. "More, please!"

Jim gives Blair's cock one last lick and then concentrates on stretching his lover properly. "Do you like to talk dirty during sex?" he wants to know. "I do."

"Oh man, don't be such a prick." Blair sighs, surrendering to the two fingers that are stretching him. "Fuck me!"

Jim can hardly believe the passion in Blair's eyes when the younger man looks up at him. Impaled on two fingers, Blair is the most incredible sight he has ever seen. Making love never felt this intense. And Blair loves talking dirty? "Want me to fuck you, Blair? Want me to thrust in and out, making your ass mine?"

"Yours, it's yours," Blair closes his eyes as Jim pulls his fingers back. Listening to the sounds he realizes that Jim's adding more lube and will soon return with three fingers. His fingernails bury themselves in the sheets. It feels so good to give up control for now. He wants Jim to take care of him, to guide him. His days are filled with responsibilities, taking care of his students and classes, taking care of Jim and now he wants to be taken care of for a change.

Jim gently slides three fingers inside, relieved to feel that Blair is relaxed enough to take them. "Blair, I'm going to take you now. Say stop and I'll stop. Do you understand, baby>? I don't want to hurt you." Scissoring his fingers inside Blair's body he waits for the younger man to open his eyes and nod his head. "I'll make love to you, darling. This is more than just fucking. You know that, don't you?"

"Yeah, I know that," Blair pants, pushing down on Jim's fingers, trying to take in more. Suddenly, one of Jim's fingers rub his prostate and he quavers as pleasure slices through his body.

Jim nods his head. "Let me do that again," and repeats the movement.

Blair yelps softly and his cock is about to explode. "Now, Jim…"

Jim quickly slips the condom over his cock and lubes it up. "I hear you, baby. I'll be inside you in a few seconds. Going to crawl inside you and feel you all around me."

Blair locks eyes with Jim and licks his lips. "Fuck me…"

"Make love to you," Jim corrects him and positions himself. "I'm going to make you mine, Blair."

Blair tenses briefly as the head of Jim's cock pushes inside. It's much bigger than the three fingers Jim used to stretch him and the pain is unexpected. Damn, he's never done this before! Maybe Jim was right and they should have taken this much slower.

"Babe?" Jim freezes, only half way sheathed in Blair's warm body. "You're tight, Blair. Want me to pull back?" Doing that will kill him, but he doesn't want to hurt Blair.

Blair shakes his head. The pain starts to recede now that his body is growing accustomed to the invasion. Pushing down, he braces himself for more pain.

"Blair, baby, don't…" But Blair's unexpected move causes him to slide in deeper until he's buried to his balls in his lover's body. "Blair…" he moans deliriously. "Never been inside something this warm and tight before!"

Only a soft ache remains and Blair finally allows himself to breathe, but not too deeply now that Jim's inside him. "Make love to me, Jim." Blair raises his legs, planning on wrapping them around Jim's waist.

But Jim gently takes hold of his ankles and places his lover's feet against his chest. One hand rests on Blair's hip, steadying him and his other hand slowly strokes his lover's slick cock. "Is this okay for you?" he asks, concerned he's hurting Blair.

"Start thrusting, big guy. Please…" Blair is holding his breath. This position exposes him even more, allows Jim to push inside even deeper and the sensation almost makes him weep. Jim's inside, deep inside him, making love to him! Then Jim thrusts for the first time and his world shatters.

At first, Jim keeps his thrusts short and shallow, afraid to hurt his lover, but as Blair replies with pushing back, Jim realizes this is the way Blair wants it. "Hard and deep?"

"Yes!" Blair yelps helplessly as Jim's cock hits his prostate. "Jim!" Throwing back his head he completely surrenders to his lover. Jim is stroking him roughly now, thrusting deep and the sound of Jim's balls slapping against his ass, makes Blair come. "No, not yet!" he mews softly, panting hard as he comes all over Jim's hand.

Jim's lost in his own sensations, but as Blair comes he realizes he doesn't want his lover to come alone. "Blair," he whispers, leans in closer and harshly claims Blair's lips, suckling the younger man's tongue. Blair's inner muscle clenches him and he thrusts hard and deep, marking Blair as his.

Jim explodes deep inside his body and warm come fills his tight passage. Blair wants to say something, but Jim's still ravishing his mouth. He brings up his arms and wraps them around Jim, who tenses in the embrace, both riding out waves of ecstasy.

Jim collapses, but realizes his weight will crush Blair and he quickly rolls onto his side, taking Blair with him. He's still inside his lover, refusing to give up this connection just yet. Acting on animalistic impulse his teeth break the skin underneath Blair's left ear and he bites gently, needing to visually mark Blair as his mate.

Blair allows it, sensing Jim's need to know they belong to each other. Too tired to move he focuses on the feel of Jim's softening cock still inside him. When the older man pulls back, Blair cringes with unexpected pain, the sudden loss. "Jim?" he whispers softly, enfolding the sentinel in his arms. "That was…"

Jim grins. Words fail him too. He disposes of the condom and brushes Blair's sweaty locks behind his ear. "I want to clean you up, Blair and then we'll get some sleep."

Blair nods sated. "Love you, James Ellison."

"I love you too, Blair," Jim whispers and kisses his lover's brow. Then, he slips out of the embrace and heads for the bathroom, head still reeling from their intense lovemaking.

Blair watches him return two minutes later and opens his arms invitingly.

Jim uses the wet washcloth to clean his lover up and takes his time to check for any damage he might have inflicted. But there's no blood and relieved, he snuggles up to Blair, burying the younger man in a warm hug. "Don't ever leave me, Blair." He loves the sated grin on Blair's face, the draped eyes and the bruised lips.

Blair simply smiles back at him, too drained to answer. So he places a kiss on the tip of Jim's nose and then spoons up behind the bigger man. "Can I hold you tonight?"

"And for the rest of our lives," Jim promises. "Blair?"

Blair opens one eye to peek at Jim, who pulled up the comforter and is now tucking them in. "Yes, lover?"

"I want you to make love to me tomorrow." Taking Blair had been a divine sensation and he wants the younger man to experience it too. "I want you inside me." The thought doesn't bother him in the least, knowing it's Blair who will claim him. Blair will be the only one who will ever take him that way.

"Jim?" Blair smiles confused. "Don't you like being on top?"

"I love it, but I don't want to be on top all the time." Jim wonders about the younger man who's tightly holding him. "We're partners, Blair. We share. I want us to make love together, exchange experiences and feelings."

Blissfully happy, Blair runs his fingers down Jim's back, cupping the firm ass in his hands. "Can't wait to get inside, lover." The thought that Jim wants him to do this stirs his groin, but he's too spent to grow erect. "Tomorrow," he promises and then closes his eyes. "Sorry, Jim, but…"

Jim twines their fingers, listening to Blair's breathing as the younger man dozes off. "I love you, Chief," he whispers and tunes in on Blair's steady heartbeat, adjusting his own to it. As he falls asleep, he molds himself to the warm body behind him. There will be no nightmares tonight… never again.

The end J March 2001