Title: Conner Lessons Never End

Author: Patt

Rating: PG

Pairings: J/B R/B J/C That would be Jim/Blair Rafe/Brown

Joel/Conner

Status: Complete

Date: 09/22/01

Category: humor/pwp

Author's website: http://patt_rose0.tripod.com/DreamingofSentinels/

Disclaimer: I don't own these guys. I sure wish I did. I'd sell tickets. <g> Petfly is so selfish and they won't take my calls about sharing. So I guess, I'll just borrow them for a little while. Oh fuck' em. I'm keeping them.

Author's Notes: Thank you to Mary, as always. :) She not only beta's but tells me when I'm funny. <g>

Story Notes: This is for all of the girls that keep sending me ammo for the Conner survey's. If you like this, you'll find more at my sites. I have too many of them. I don't have a life. Shit…

Summary: Conner has another new survey that the guys are going to help her out with. They'll all wish they got held up in traffic or something. But you won't.

Warnings: m/m In case you're wondering, there is no fucking nudity in this. There is talk about it, but it doesn't actually take place. (Make note to self, 'self have them all be naked in the next survey for Debra and that's that.')

Conner Lessons Never End: Riding A Bike

By Patt

Conner still had to do some work for her class and asked all of the guys in the bullpen if they were up to another survey. Of course they wouldn't admit it, but they really loved getting together and arguing each and every week.

They all agreed to meet at Sullivan's Pub after work that night. She couldn't wait. This one was going to be some good fun.

Walking into Sullivan's that evening was fantastic, she was greeted by her darling Joel with a huge hug and kiss. "Ready for fun, hot stuff?"

"I'm always ready for fun when it comes to you, babe." Joel said smiling.

They joined the other officers and sat down at the usual table.

"Well, you guys are in for a treat tonight. Wait until I tell you about this one. It's going to be fun. So don't even pretend that you won't enjoy it." Megan said getting comfortable before beginning.

"Conner, how many more of these do we have to help you with?" Simon asked.

"I don't know, sir. I'll have to play it by ear."

"Doesn't that hurt your ear?" Blair asked giggling.

Jim kicked him under the table and said, "Chief, we're not in the first grade."

"Thank you, Ellison." Megan said as she cleared her throat.

"We gonna do this or not?" Brown asked.

"Yeah, we have plans tonight." Rafe said smiling coyly at Brown. Everyone could swear that they could see a blush creep up Henry's neck and face. Conner thought it was very cute. The men didn't.

"So, Conner, how long are we going to be here? At the rate we're going, we'll still be here tomorrow." Jim growled.

"Oh, Ellison, like you have anything better to do. Geeze, get a grip, mate."

"Hey, I have better things to do, Conner. I have a lot of better things to do. Just ask Sandburg."

"Hey keep me out of this, Mr. First Grader." Blair said as he tried out a glare that didn't really work and ended up laughing along with everyone else.

"Okay, everyone, do you all have a beer? We're ready to start." Megan ordered.

"Honey, would you like wine or a beer?" Joel asked sweetly.

Jim started making gagging noises and Blair slugged him in the arm. "Hey, that hurt."

"Man, you're such a wuss puss."

"Conner, could we get this damn thing started? Ellison and Sandburg are at it already and we haven't even started yet?" Simon asked impatiently.

"Yes, sir, I could get things rolling. Okay, guys, here goes. These all have to do with how is sex like riding a bike. So I'm going to say a statement to you and you tell me if you've ever said it, wanted to say it, or will say it. Got it?"

"Conner, we're not stupid." Jim said glaring at her.

"Jim, why are we here again?" Blair said scooting away from him when he went to smack him.

"Conner, please move this along." Simon bellowed.

HOW IS SEX LIKE RIDING A BICYCLE?

***

"Okay, here goes. First one. Have you ever said this, wanted to say it or had it said to you? Better yet, do you plan on using it in the future? You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere."

Simon: (choking on his beer)

Jim: (slapping Simon on the back.)

Conner: Are you okay, sir?

Simon: It took me off guard, that's all.

Conner: Okay, who wants to start this?

Joel: I will. I've never said it. I've never had it said to me, but I have thought it a few times.

Brown: Way to go, Joel.

Rafe: What are you saying that for? This actually is all of us, don't you think?

Jim: I know it's me and Sandburg for sure.

Blair: Speak for yourself, Jim. I don't have to keep pumping anything, you're so easy I just tell you to do it.

Jim: Shut up, Blair.

Rafe: Oh man, we made it into one question before they started. Hot damn, tell us all about it, Sandburg.

Jim: Shut up, Blair.

Blair: Don't tell me to shut up. I can say whatever I want. They all know we're both sluts so what's the secret?

Joel: (laughing hard.) That's true, Jim. We do all know.

Jim: Oh, that's just great. You all think we're sluts?

Simon: Of course we think that Jim. You both give off slut vibes.

Jim: Slut vibes? What the fuck is that?

Simon: The looks and talk between the two of you. Rafe and Brown give them off, too.

Rafe: What? We most certainly do not.

Brown: I resemble that remark. (laughing)

Rafe: This isn't funny, H. They're insulting us.

Brown: Who cares, Bri? I'll be your slut any day of the week.

Simon: Oh, for Christ's sake. Conner, you do this on purpose don't you?

Blair: Rafe, I don't know about Henry, but you give off definite slut vibes.

Rafe: Fuck you, Sandburg.

Jim: (growling at Rafe) Not in this lifetime, Rafe.

Brown: Back down, Ellison, he was just kidding. Bri, shut up.

Blair: Hey, Rafe, have you noticed that when they don't like what we say, they tell us to shut up?

Rafe: Yeah, I've noticed. I'm not taking it lying down, either.

Joel: See, I'm telling you, slut vibes all over the place.

Rafe and Blair: Shut up, Joel.

Conner: Simon, have you ever thought this, said this or want to say it?

Simon: Well, fuck, I don't even remember what it is now.

Conner: You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

Simon: (laughing) Yes, I've heard this said before and I might have used it once or twice.

Joel: Like I said before I've thought about using it. Actually, I wouldn't mind being someone's slut a little later tonight.

Simon: (groaning loudly) Do you all take hormones or something? You're all a bunch of sluts. Slut vibes aren't catching, are they?

Conner: We can only hope so, sir.

Simon: Shut up and move on.

Conner: It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.

Rafe: Hey, didn't Hairboy just get a new bike helmet the other day?

Brown: (laughing) Yeah, he did. Looked like a really nice sturdy one. He'll be ready for any unfamiliar territory.

Jim: Believe me; he isn't unfamiliar with any of my territory.

Simon: Jim, you just keep stepping in that shit and spreading it around. And you wonder why we think you're a slut?

Jim: What? What did I say?

Blair: Well, if you children could get off of this subject we could answer it correctly. We always use protective headgear, don't we Jim?

Jim: What?

Blair: I said, don't we Jim?

Jim: Yeah, what he said.

Brown: You are so pussy whipped. Nah, I guess it would be ass whipped.

Simon: Jim, sit back down. Now! Brown, shut up before he slugs you. And I, for one, will let him. You don't tell a man he's pussy whipped. You can think it all you want; just don't say it aloud.

Brown: Gotcha, Simon.

Rafe: We always use headgear, too, Sandburg.

Blair: Like I care.

Rafe: You probably do, you're a sick fuck. Shit, you probably think about it.

Simon: Sit down, Ellison. NOW! Rafe, if you want to stay in one piece you better shut the fuck up.

Joel: Okay, let's all take a deep breath. After all, this is about condoms. Not bike helmets. Now seriously, I think we all use headgear. So we can move on, Honey.

Conner: You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.

Jim: (Laughing) Yeah, I love this one. This is true. Don't try this at home, kids.

Blair: Jim, that's not what you said the other night.

Simon: Sandburg, I'm going to put a sock in your mouth.

Jim: Sir, he should be able to say whatever he wants.

Simon: Then why do you keep telling him to shut up?

Jim: Because I can get away with it. You can't. Now, Simon, answer this one.

Simon: Yeah, I've done it with no hands, big deal.

Joel: I don't know if I truly understand this one.

Conner: Oh, honey, you do it all the time. I'll tell you later on.

Rafe: Okay, this isn't fair. We talk about our lives all the time, why not yours?

Brown: Yeah, it only seems fair.

Conner: Fine, I'll tell you what I mean. Is that okay, Honey?

Joel: I don't have a clue as to where we're going here. I'm driving blind, Meg.

Conner: (laughing) Isn't he so damn cute? What I meant was, when he gets busy with me, he doesn't have to use his hands, his mouth and tongue do all of the work.

Jim: Ewwwwwwwwwwww.

Blair: That's so fucking sweet. Not the taste, I meant that you shared it.

Jim: What the fuck are you thinking about the taste of a woman for?

Brown: Oh goody, here it comes.

Rafe: Yup. Let's all sit back and just wait for Mount Ellison to erupt.

Jim: Since when have you thought about that?

Blair: Jim, get a grip. I was making a joke. Megan got it. She laughed, right Megan?

Conner: Yup, but he's humor impaired, so he didn't get it. It's not his fault, Sandy.

Jim: Oh, fuck you, Conner.

Simon: Joel, sit down. She can take care of herself.

Conner: Hey, there's nothing wrong with Joel talking about me, you guys talk about things, why not us?

Blair: I totally agree with Conner and Joel.

Joel: I have to say I'm still in shock that you told them.

Jim: Tell me about it.

Joel: I thought you didn't want to hear about it.

Rafe: God, this is getting good. (smiling)

Simon: Conner, this would be a great time to move on.

Conner: It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.

Joel: Now this one is really true. I remember my first time. I was scared to death. Thank god, she knew what she was doing.

Blair: Yeah, it helps to have someone driving that knows what they're doing, huh Jim?

Jim: Sandburg, let's drop it now.

Rafe: Oh shit, I forgot that Jim wasn't the first driver.

Brown: Man, this is a good survey. Conner, where do you come up with this shit.

Conner: I have my dealers. Their names are Mary, Amy, Lisa, Corinna, Debra, Leslie, and Sue. They give me all the ammo I need for these surveys.

Jim: Why don't you all just answer the fucking questions. Rafe and Brown, how about you?

Brown: Well, I can say this much, I drove and that I know of we didn't get lost.

Did we, Bri?

Rafe: Nope, not a once. Don't feel lonely, Ellison, it's not like we're all really experienced at this.

Simon: Well, I am.

Brown: With men? Hell, I didn't know you got into men.

Simon: Oh shut up. I meant with women.

Rafe: We knew that, sir, he just loves to tease you and Ellison.

Jim: This one's boring, could we go to the next one?

Conner: You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.

Sandburg: (Laughing hysterically.) Oh god, is this true or what? I hate doing it by myself.

Jim: Chief, I think you've crossed that line.

Sandburg: We have lines here? What did I say? Stop glaring at me, hot shot. I didn't say that I like to do it myself; I said I don't. That's a compliment to you.

Jim: I guess it is. In that case, back at ya.

Simon: And they say romance is dead. God, you two are just pathetic and you've been a terrible influence on Brown and Rafe.

Brown: Hey, I think we do just fine without help from Sandburg and Ellison.

Blair: I got top billing. Holy shit, this is a first.

Rafe: You're so weird, Sandburg.

Blair: I know. But you love me anyhow, right?

Rafe: Yeah, we do.

Jim: That was nice, Rafe.

Rafe: Thanks, I can be nice if I want to.

Jim: Okay, so everyone else answer this one.

Simon: Yes, I prefer to do it with someone else.

Brown: Me, too.

Rafe: Me, three.

Joel: Fuck me if I'm wrong, but I might agree with all of you.

Conner: Joel, honey you're wrong.

Joel: (laughing and then kissing Megan)

Jim: Geeze, get a room.

Blair: I think it's sweet.

Conner: It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

Jim: This is so not true.

Blair: Jim, it is, too.

Rafe: (Laughing) What's wrong, Jim, getting off before you wanted to?

Jim: See what you started now, Blair?

Blair: Well, the first few times are kind of hard because it feels so fucking good that before long you can't control it at all. Am I right?

Joel: Hell, I still have a hard time sometimes and we've been together for awhile now.

Conner: Oh god, I love sweet talk.

Brown: I think it's true, too. I'd like to hold it longer, but sometimes, it just sneaks up on you.

Simon: Did someone come into this pub and steal what brains you men have? God, I can't believe you're talking like this.

Jim: You're just jealous, Simon.

Simon: Not in this lifetime, Jim.

Jim: So you're saying that each time you fool around with someone, you control how fast or slow you come?

Blair: I do believe that Simon's blushing. Woo Hoo.

Simon: Yes, I control it.

Blair: Well, I don't mean to pick on your technique, but I think it sounds a little boring if you're in total control. I love it when Jim's out of control.

Jim: Enough, Chief.

Conner: I happen to love Joel when he's out of control, too. Makes it even more fun.

Blair: Jim, don't you love when you can let yourself go and let me just go crazy?

Jim: (blushing) Yeah, I guess I do.

Simon: Is it time to go yet?

Conner: It's best to have a soft place to land.

Rafe: Well, I can't say that we say that about each other. That would almost be an insult.

Brown: Yeah, this one doesn't work for us.

Jim: It works for us just fine.

Blair: What the fuck do you mean by that? You saying I'm some soft woman?

Conner: Hey, stop saying it like it's a bad thing.

Blair: Sorry, Conner. Jim, what in the hell did you mean by that?

Simon: God, I don't want to hear it. Let's move on.

Jim: Excuse me. I can answer any damn thing I want to, Simon. I meant that when it's time, we have somewhere really soft to put our bike equiptment.

Simon: Oh god, this is getting to be too much. That's way more than I want to think about.

Jim: I was talking about his hand, Simon.

Simon: Oh.

Blair: Gotcha. (laughing hysterically.)

Joel: Okay, my turn. I love having somewhere soft to land.

Conner: And you land really well, Joel.

Joel: I love you, too, Meg.

Jim: (making gagging noises again)

Simon: God, would you look at the time? It's really getting late. I'm old! I have to go to bed.

Rafe: Maybe if you had someone soft to land on, in or above you wouldn't be so bored and tired.

Simon: Oh shut up.

Brown: Good one, Bri.

Jim: (laughing) Seeing anyone soft, Simon?

Simon: As a matter of fact, I am.

Blair: Ok, spill. We want all of the dirt.

Simon: I don't want to jinx it.

Blair: Party Pooper. (Underneath his breath singing, Every party has a pooper, that's why we invited you, Party-Pooper. Party-Pooper.)

Jim: (hearing Blair's song, loses controls and laughs out loud)

Simon: All right. What did he just say, Ellison?

Jim: Simon, I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about.

(Leaning into Blair saying," good one, Chief.)

Conner: You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.

Joel: (Laughing hard.) This is so Megan.

Conner: Hey, don't tell all of our secrets, Joel.

Jim: I don't even get this one.

Simon: Want me to explain it to you as if you were a child?

Blair: If he was a child you wouldn't want him to know this.

Simon: You're going to get it before the night is out, Sandburg.

Blair: I know, sir. Just not from you.

Simon: Jesus, stop with the gay jokes.

Jim: So is someone going to explain?

Blair: You know how sometimes you like me to dress up in things while we're upstairs?

Jim: Ooooohhhh!!! I got it now.

Conner: Sandy, you must tell me all about it. I'll tell if you do.

Jim: Chief, I hope I don't have to threaten you with death.

Blair: Wouldn't work anyhow.

Jim: Fuck…

Blair: If you're lucky, sweet cheeks.

Rafe: We've not tried this out yet.

Brown: We're so new to all of this, Bri. Maybe we should have

Hairboy write us

a list of fun things to try and do.

Jim: Fat chance…

Rafe: Hey, what would that hurt?

Brown: We could use some help from time to time.

Jim: Go online and find out there. That's what the internet is for.

Blair: Jim, you're such a supportive friend. (Chuckling)

Conner: If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.

Rafe: Yeah, this is always a good thing.

Brown: Damn straight.

Rafe: Not anymore, Henry.

Brown: Oh yeah. I keep forgetting. (Laughing)

Jim: I always wait and he waits for me, too.

Blair: Yeah, we're both waiters.

Conner: (Falls out of her chair, laughing.) Sandy, you're so damn funny.

Simon: God, that was funny, Jim. You have to give him credit where credit is due.

Jim: It was cute, Chief.

Blair: Cute? Cute? Do I look or sound like a little puppy?

Jim: Sometimes you do.

Blair: Shut-up, Jim.

Simon: Okay, I'm a waiter, too. (Still laughing)

Joel: I always wait also. We're all waiters.

Conner: Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.

Rafe: Now on this I think it's the opposite. I thought it was really hard just thinking about it, but it got easier.

Blair: Of course it was hard at first. DUH!

Rafe: I meant, difficult. Shut up, Sandburg.

Brown: I agree with Rafe.

Jim: It's true.

Simon: I don't remember. It's been a long time since I tried anything new.

Joel: It's never too late to try something new, Simon.

Simon: Joel, please let's not even go there.

Simon: So you're all saying you try new things all the time?

Jim: You betcha.

Blair: We have to.

Simon: Why do you have to?

Blair: It's a fucking rule in my sex journal.

Simon: God, why do I ask these stupid questions?

Blair: Because you really want to learn more about the gay lifestyle but were afraid to ask.

Simon: Ewwwwwww.

Rafe: I used to say that, too, Simon.

Simon: Oh for Christ's sake... Conner?

Conner: Once you learn, you never forget how.

Simon: Now this one I totally agree with.

Blair: Same here.

Jim: I totally agree.

Brown: Wow, we all agree so far. Record breaker.

Rafe: I agree also.

Joel: What can I say? It would be a very bad thing if we forgot how.

Conner: For the record, I agree with this one, too.

Simon: Oh goody, now we'll all sleep better knowing that, Conner.

Conner: If you fall off get right back on.

Blair: This actually happened the other night and that's what Jim said. Get back on. Right, Jim?

Jim: (blushing) You are so going to get it tonight.

Blair: Will there be falling off? I want you to get back on, over and over again.

Jim: (still blushing) You got it.

Joel: You have to love those two.

Rafe: I don't.

Brown: I don't, either.

Conner: Well, Joel and I do. You're both just too cute for color tv.

Jim: What?

Brown: That's a line from a movie.

Rafe: Isn't it something like, you're both just too weird for color tv?

Simon: Who gives a fuck? I've never fallen off.

Conner: Simon, I think it's meant like as in a fallen relationship. Like with you and Joan.

Simon: In that case, yeah, I've gotten back on again.

Conner: If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

Rafe: Shit, who wants to talk about flats? Not me.

Brown: Me, either. Not happened to us yet. But we're not old yet. How about it, Simon, Joel and Jim? You old farts have this trouble?

Jim: I'll show you old.

Blair: You won't be showing him anything, hot shot. Believe me, this man doesn't have any trouble with flats.

Simon: Neither do I.

Joel: It's not happened to me yet, either.

Jim: Why do we all say yet? I don't plan on it ever happening.

Brown: You think when you're eighty you're going to not have trouble with flats.

Jim: If I'm lucky and Blair will keep me going, won't you, baby?

Blair: You know it.

Conner: Make sure that you've got a firm grip.

Blair: I just said this to Jim the other night.

Brown: I said it to Rafe, too. Must have been something in the air.

Simon: Oh god, there is no rest for us, Joel. We're doomed to hear gay jokes for the rest of our lives. What can we do? They're our friends.

Joel: That's true, but I don't mind. They make me smile a lot.

Jim: I'll show you a firm grip later, Chief.

Blair: Oh goody.

Rafe: I'll show you my firm grip later, H.

Brown: Oh goody.

Simon: We're surrounded by slut vibes, I'm telling you.

Jim: Ain't it cool?

Conner: Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.

Jim: I said this last night.

Blair: And damn if there wasn't one handy.

Simon: Oh, for God's sake, shut up, both of you.

Rafe: I liked that answer. I agree with them.

Brown: Who do you think has the most cushy seat?

Simon: I draw the line here. No more.

Joel: Simon, what's wrong with you? This was just getting good.

Jim: Joel, you ever want a cushy seat?

Joel: As a matter of fact I do.

Conner: He's very good with my cushy seat.

Simon: God, I could have gone all night long without hearing that. Is there nothing sacred to you people?

Rafe: No.

Brown: No.

Jim: Chief, is there?

Blair: Never.

Joel: Not in a million years. We're having too much fun like this.

Conner: Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

Jim: Does this mean once you get off, you don't have to worry anymore?

Simon: God, I hate this survey. Conner, couldn't you ask things like how it feels to murder someone or something like that?

Conner: Jim, I think it does mean that. So I take it you wouldn't just leave Blair still needing to get over the top? And Simon, I don't like to discuss murder outside of work.

Simon: But you don't mind discussing sex with anyone and everyone?

Conner: You betcha.

Jim: No, I would never leave Blair on the top alone.

Blair: He doesn't. Remember, he's a waiter.

Rafe: We're all waiters.

Brown: Thank god.

Simon: You're all sluts.

Conner: You're just jealous.

Conner: That's why some of them are called Mountin' Bikes

Jim: Man, this is so us. Sandburg says this. I'm serious.

Conner: You call him Sandburg when you're discussing sex?

Jim: No, just here or at work.

Rafe: Hey, I like that saying.

Brown: Want to go home and say it to me?

Rafe: Yeah, I would.

Simon: God, is nothing sacred?

Joel: No, thank God.

Conner: Okay, guys, you all get to go home and wait.

Jim: Thanks, Conner. I can't wait to wait.

Blair: Wait for me, hon. (laughing)

Rafe: Wait up, Brown.

Brown: I'm already up, but I'll wait.

Simon: God, this group is a lost cause.

Joel: Simon, do you have to wait tonight?

Simon: Shut up, Joel. Go home and wait with Conner.

Conner: Night, all.

Jim: Night. (Hugging Conner)

Blair: Night (Hugs Joel and Conner)

Rafe: Night (blushes thinking about the waiting.)

Brown: Night (hugs Conner and Joel both.)

Simon: Goodnight, you nutjobs.

Jim: Simon, do you want us to wait in the parking lot?

Simon: Get the fuck out of here before I knock you on your ass..

END