Title: Believe

Author/pseudonym: Marag

Email address: sofaraway@hotmail.com

Rating: NC-17

Pairings: J/B

Status: Complete

Date: 10/25/99

Archive: Yes

Archive author: Yes

Archive email address: Yes

Series/Sequel:

Category: First Times

Author's website: http://adult.dencity.com/insanityoutlet

Disclaimer: Well, I do have a lottery ticket to check..... Wonder what TPTB wants for them?

Notes: This story had more editors than The National Post; First and Foremost though is Hope who inspired it in the first place. (get in touch Babe, miss you) (Love to Pumpkin - what a year eh?) There are song lyrics here, but only snippits of them - the way you hear the song in the car next to you at a stop light, so I'm not listing them as a warning. First Appeared in CTYS 10, October 1998

Warnings: none



BELIEVE
By Marag

Blair stood at the window and watched the rain.

He was in pain. A lot of pain.

Unfortunately, it wasn't the kind of pain that you could just pop a couple of aspirins and make go away. He heard the creak of the bed above him as Jim tossed and turned in a restless sleep. /Wonder who he's dreaming of?/

The pain grew.

/Congratulations, Sandburg, you've become a living, breathing clich./

A car door opened under the open window. Words to a song drifted up to him...

...far away a saxophone lingers on a tune and it's the kind of song that someone wrote for lovers and a moon....

The words hit home. How often had he listened to a song and felt that very sentiment, wishing with all his heart that he had someone to share it with.

/Not "someone" Sandburg. If you can't be honest with him, at least be honest with yourself. /

Blair tugged the elastic out of his hair, wincing as it pulled. He shivered against the damp. 'Lovely attempt at spring,' Megan called it. Wasn't that just the truth. I wonder if Jim would kill me if I started a fire?

He checked the time. 2:45. He didn't dare light the fire. It would wake Jim.

Or would it? Lately he had realised he could pretty much come and go as he pleased and Jim barely noticed. No, that wasn't really fair. Jim was simply used to him now.

/I'm part of his life./

The pain grew again.

It's good. It's not the way I need it to be. But it's enough. It has to be.

The music changed again.

Something in your eyes, makes me want to lose myself, Makes me want to lose myself, in your arms. There's something in your voice, makes my heart beat fast. Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life. If you knew how lonely my life has been, And how low I've felt so long. If you knew how I wanted someone to come along, And change my life the way you've done.

Blair turned and looked up at the railing. He had changed Jim's life. He knew that. Jim knew that. Simon knew that.

/But do you know how you've changed mine? Do you, Jim? Do you have the slightest idea of just what it meant when I told you I was staying? When I told you that it was about friendship? When I told you that I just didn't get it before?/

He turned back to the window. The pain clenched at his heart like a vise. How could anything hurt this much and not be fatal?

/I love him./

He let the thought warm him. It always did. Unrequited love hurt like hell, but the emotion behind it, the love he felt in his heart and soul for Jim, gave him a sense of peace that he couldn't explain.

He smiled when he thought of his reaction to Megan kissing Jim. He'd felt a flash of jealousy until he realized that Jim had had no reaction to it. He'd also seen the look on Jim's face when Megan had ignored Jim and had asked if he was all right when she arrived on the scene with Simon. She kept calling him "Sandy." Jim kept looking, well, possessive, for lack of a better term.

/Possessive. Is that it, Jim? Do you think of me as yours? How? Your Guide? Is there more to it? Could there ever be?/

He was cold again. He let his forehead rest against the windowpane. The car had finally pulled away. Blair was grateful; he wasn't sure he could take another sad song.

/When did love songs become so sad?/

He wiped moisture off his face, but refused to acknowledge it as anything other than condensation from the window. The pain had settled back into the dull ache that he felt more or less consistently now. It occurred to him that he was used to it. He felt it when he was with Jim, and when they were apart. When he was happy, or relaxed, it was always there. It made him genuinely sad.

He'd run the course from lust, to like, to hero worship, to deep friendship, to love, in a little over a year and a half. When it first dawned on him that he was deeply in love with Jim, he had done what he suspected most red-blooded straight men would have done if they discovered that they suddenly wanted to do the wild thing with a man. He had attempted to sleep his way across Cascade.

/Fuck, Sandburg, you fucked your way through town. Call it what it is-you didn't sleep, and you sure as hell never made love./

He'd stopped when he noticed that the pain was at its most intense when he was deep inside a woman. He dated still, but not as often as everyone seemed to think. Rachel's mom had made him feel good. But he wasn't likely to pursue it. She was sweet, and Rachel was adorable, but there was no way he could lead a single mother on. It just wasn't right. Plus it was only a matter of time until the trial was over, and they went back underground.

Jim had told him to be careful. Then later, he had been so gentle when he told him that he and Megan had decided it would be better if he kept his distance. For a second, he had hoped Jim had ulterior motives, but Jim had seemed so caring, so tender, so damned paternal...

/Oh, God Jim, is that it? Do you see yourself as the father figure I never had? If that is how you see me, I don't think I'll survive it./

Blair stopped pretending that the moisture on his face had anything to do with the window.

/Do I dare tell you? It's four in the morning, and I'm cold and so very lonely, and I would almost sell a piece of my soul if you would come down those stairs and put your arms around me./

/And what if you did? Could I tell you? Could I find the words in my mind to convey the words I feel in my heart? I spend so much of my time trying to fill in the empty space in my soul with words. Sound, sometimes empty, but loud enough to drown out my screams./


* * *
Jim woke up with a start. A creature of habit, the first thing he did was the first thing he always did, he opened his senses and sought out Blair.

/What the hell?/ He was out of bed and down the stairs within seconds.

He found Blair huddled asleep on the floor near the fireplace, head pressed to the window. He did a quick check for injuries. His body temperature was low; the kid had to be freezing. His breathing was shallow, his skin was pale.

'Blessed Protector' kicked in. Jim picked the smaller man up (grunting with the effort - it seemed that smaller did not translate into light, the man was heavy) and gathered him into his arms. He carried him to the sofa and wrapped an afghan around the two of them. He held Blair tight to his chest, trying to share some of his body heat. /What's going on, Blair? Why were you sleeping there?/


* * *
Blair woke up slowly. This was not unusual in itself, but he felt so wonderfully warm. That was unusual; he was never warm. He lifted his head and realized his face was inches away from Jim's.

"What? Jim?"

"You okay, Chief? I found you on the floor in a freezing lump. I needed to get you warm."

/I don't think I've ever felt warmer and safer in my entire life./ "I couldn't sleep. I guess I got up, I don't really remember. I don't remember dozing off." /Well, that's a first. I just looked you in the eye and lied to you./

/You're lying, Chief. Why are you lying to me?/ "Feel better? Like maybe getting off my lap?"

Blair scrambled off the sofa as if burned.

"It's okay, Chief. Just felt a little weird."

Blair bolted into his room, leaving a very confused Jim behind.


* * *
Jim was worried.

Something was very wrong with Blair.

Happy, sad, angry, terrified, even injured, Blair was never, ever, quiet. But today he hadn't said more that ten words. Even Simon, never Sandburg's biggest fan, had commented on the general lack of "bounce."

He glanced over at his best friend, who was sitting huddled as close to the door of the truck as possible. It was another cold wet day, and Sandburg looked like a drowned rat. His normally silky hair hung limply around his head. His midnight blue eyes held none of their usual incandescent glow, and seemed almost flat.

Jim hit the brakes, almost putting the object of his throughs the windshield.

"Jim? What the hell was that? What's wrong?"

Jim just stared at him. /Silky hair? Midnight blue incandescent eyes? Where in the name of God did that come from?/ He felt warmth on his arm, and looked down to see his partner's strong hand holding tight. "Did I zone?"

"Yeah Jim, you zoned. What happened? You were driving, and you just stopped and started staring at me..."

Jim shook his head as if to try to clear it, then he put the truck in gear and started off without another word.


* * *
/I wonder if I'm ever going to sleep again?/

Blair wandered around the loft. Not wanting a repeat of last night, he had lit the fireplace, but he was still cold.

/Maybe I should just leave. I can finish my dissertation anytime. Maybe it's time to pull back. Wean myself off Jim, so to speak. Move out.../ v He heard a car stop in the lot across the street.

I... I don't want to say it
I don't want to find another way
To make it through the day without you
I... I just can't resist
Trying to find exactly what I missed
It's just another day without you

/I do wish she'd change her taste in radio stations./ Blair moved over to the window. / Well, that couldn't be clearer if I was living inside a musical./

Blair paced again, then planted himself on the sofa closest to the fireplace. /God, I love this place. Who am I trying to kid? This is my home. Oh, Jim, what the hell am I going to do?/

Upstairs, Jim watched his roommate settle in, similar thoughts going through his mind.


* * *
"Turn the radio up, will ya, Chief?"

Blair leaned over to comply.

"No, not the scanner, the one that plays music."

Blair hadn't even been aware the radio was on. "What's up?"

"Nothing, it's Jann Arden. ...What? I just like this song, okay?"

"Sure, Jim." Blair turned up the music

I've never seen this kind of love
The kind that won't wash away
And then leave you in the dark
Don't you know I could not survive
Without you in my life
I would die for you
I've never seen this kind of love
The kind that won't slip away
Yes, I'm soaring through your heart
Don't you know I could not survive
Without you in my life
I would die for you

Blair stared out the window at the passing scenery and tried to decide if he was aroused or despondent. "What's with the song, Jim?"

Jim looked across at his best friend. "You've been after me to practice filtering. So, I have been. I agree with you, it's a useful skill." Jim didn't bother to voice his other thoughts about the song. He'd heard it on someone's car radio on the highway, and had stopped at the first place he'd driven by and bought the album. The song touched something inside him.

"You've been practicing without my prompting. I know it's silly, but thank you, Jim. For some reason, it means a lot."


* * *
So many stormy nights, so many wrong or rights
Neither could change their headstrong ways
And in a lover's rage, they tore another page
The fightin' is worth the love they save

One love feeds the fire
One heart burns desire,
I wonder who's cryin' now
Two hearts born to run,
Who'll be the lonely one,
I wonder who's cryin' now

/I am really starting to hate that woman./ Blair watched from the window as his neighbour was getting out of yet another car in the middle of the night. /Three fucking weeks, every night now for three fucking weeks. How many goddamned boyfriends does she have, and do they all have to listen to the same stupid radio station?/

For a month, he'd slept like the dead. Spring brought out the crazies, and he and Jim had been beyond busy. Added to his schedule as finals approached, he had been collapsing into bed and sleeping until he was forced to wake up and deal with the next crisis.

Then things started calming down. School was done, and things were quiet on campus. He wasn't teaching during the summer session, and aside from covering occasionally, he had nothing much to do. Then things had calmed down at the station. So Blair found himself with time. Time to work on his dissertation, time to relax, time to spend with Jim.

Time to think.

He quickly fell into a pattern. Nights he was home, he simply wrote until he couldn't see any more, then he threw himself into bed and slept.

...For about three hours. Then he would wake up from yet another disturbing dream and pace the loft until Jim's alarm went off.

Pace, and listen to more damn love songs.


* * *
"Chief, is there something you need to get off your chest?"

Blair managed not to pass any of his algae shake through his nose. "Um, no. Not really. Why do you ask?"

Jim sipped his coffee and contemplated a stain on the table. "I couldn't help but notice that sleep seems to be a distant memory."

"I guess privacy is really a non-issue when you live with a Sentinel." Blair said the words with affection.

Jim understood. "I'm worried about you. I know you need less sleep than us mere humans, but three hours a night is pushing it even for you."

Blair stared at him

"The lady and her late-night entrances usually wake me up, too."

"Oh." Blair tried to relax.

"So, do you want to talk?"

"No. Yes. No."

"Sandburg?"

"Jim... Yes, okay, you're right, something is bothering me, but I'm not ready to talk about it yet. Believe me, when I am, you are guaranteed to be the first one to know."


* * *
"God, Sandburg, all I want to do is collapse."

Blair pried open one eyelid and cast a look in the general direction of the driver of the truck. "No shit, Jim. Could this day have been longer? Never mind, it was rhetorical."

The truck pulled in at the same time as their neighbour arrived home. Blair braced himself, but Jim smiled.

"What?"

"Her taste in music is improving. She's listening to Santana tonight."

Blair managed a chuckle. Well, Santana was safe, right? He opened the door and was climbing out of the truck when the words hit him.

Hold on
Nothing's the same
Tell me why I feel this way
Life wouldn't be worth living without you
All along
I've been a pretender
But now that's gone forever
Nobody's ever loved me like you do
Nobody could get through.

"Jim, what the fuck was that?"

"Yeah, the Seventies were a little rough on Carlos. His disco period only lasted about two songs so we all survived. It was close."

Blair wondered if Jim would understand if he had a complete breakdown in front of Colette's.


* * *
"Mornin', Hairboy."

"Detective Brown," Blair snarled

H shot a look over at Jim, who simply shrugged his shoulders. He was starting to get seriously worried about Blair. He was listless, quiet. He growled at people. All in all, very un-Blair like behaviour.

It seemed like weeks since Blair had slept through the night. Jim didn't know a lot about psychology, but it was obvious that something was really bugging the kid. Blair had also stopped going out on dates. He wasn't even masturbating.

/How the hell do you know that, Ellison? Why do you know that?/

Jim smiled. he knew, and the whys were something he wasn't going to dwell on. Blair needed to get some sleep, and Jim amused himself with visions of using the best sleeping pill he knew. /Wonder what he'd do if I offered?/

He snorted softly; he wasn't going to offer. One thing Jim was never going to be was a one-night stand for his restless Guide.


* * *
Blair looked up when Jim sat down at his desk. He had watched the play of emotions on the older man's face and wanted to ask what was up. Simon's voice cut off his thoughts

"Sandburg, my office."

Jim looked up and shrugged. Blair got up and crossed the room, feeling like a child being called into the principal's office.

"Yes, Captain?" he asked as he stood stiffly at the door after he'd shut it behind him.

Simon frowned. "Sit down, Sandburg. Coffee?"

Blair didn't move.

Simon sighed, reminding himself that this sort of thing came with the job. "Blair? Is Jim all right?"

"What? Yeah, he's fine. At least as far as I know, he's fine. Why?"

"The way you've been acting... The only thing I could come up with was that something was wrong with Jim. What the hell is going on, Blair?"

Blair sighed. Simon frowned. Sandburg was still standing by the closed door, totally still. That alone would be enough to worry anyone who knew him, but there was something else, something surrounding him, almost like a shroud. The clouds parted, the light dawned, and Simon clued in.

"Aww, hell, Sandburg, you're in love."

Blair looked up at that. "Shit. Is it that obvious?"

"Only to a father. I've seen that same look on Daryl. I gather that this is not something you've shared with anyone."

"Nope. And you know what? Unrequited love really sucks."

"Are you so sure its unrequited Blair?"

"Yeah." Blair moved over to a chair by Simon's desk and didn't sit so much as sink into it. Simon sat on the corner of his desk and looked down at the young man he had learned to have both a strong respect and grudging fondness for.

"I gather you've never been in love before?"

"Not before, and never again. This is it, Simon. This is it."

"So, tell him."

Blair's head came up, a look of panic in his eyes. "What?! *Him*?!" He jumped out of the chair, stunned. "You know? How can you know?!"

Anything Simon had been going to say was interrupted by Jim's sudden entrance on the scene. Blair took one look at him and was out of the squad room like a bat out of hell.

Simon shook his head at the retreating figure. "Nice timing, Detective."

"Sorry, Captain, but it was the first spike in his heart rate in weeks. I didn't think, sir, I reacted. Did he tell you anything?"

Simon poured himself a coffee "You know, Detective, for someone with your arrest record, not to mention enhanced senses, you are really oblivious sometimes."

"Simon, I'm really not in the mood for riddles."

"Oh really, well looks like you've got one anyway. You're on vacation for the next five days. Something is wrong with my best team, and I want you to fix it."

"Me? I've been trying to figure the kid out for three years. This is one trip to the Sandburg Zone I'm not so sure I want to make."

"Jim, you're almost as lousy a liar as Blair."

Jim took a deep breath and scratched his head in a failed attempt to appear casual. "Fine. Tell me how, oh fearless leader."

Simon's voice dripped disdain. "You're supposed to be a Watchman Jim - so watch."


* * *

"We've got a week off? How the hell did you manage that?"

"Who knows, Chief. Who cares? We can both use a little down time. How does a few days camping grab you?"

/You, me, alone in the woods with just nature and my out-of-control pheromones to keep us company?/ "Sure. Sounds good, Jim." There, did I sound convincing?

"Okay, good." What the hell is it, Sandburg? What the hell is bugging you?


* * *

The two men had an early lunch, and gathered camping equipment.

And the Watchman watched.


* * *

In spite of his early misgivings, Blair enjoyed the trip. Somehow nature had a way of keeping things even, and Blair found his mind at rest for the first time in months.

And the Watchman watched

* * *

Blair was beginning to wonder a bit at Jim's behavior. He seemed to be more, well, there, for lack of a better term. Every time Blair turned around, Jim was behind him. Every time he looked up, Jim was staring at him. Jim had only packed one tent, so they were snuggled in close, and Jim seemed to be aware of every breath.

As they were packing up to head home, Blair looked up suddenly and Jim was looking at him with a far away look, affection shining in his eyes.

Maybe? Maybe Simon knew something. Maybe it wasn't unrequited after all? It gave him hope for the first time in a long time.

And still the Watchman watched.

* * *

Every move, every sound, every breath, every sigh was catalogued.

The first night away, the Sentinel had an idea

By the third night, he had a theory

During the drive home, he decided to test it.

Test number one. "Hey, Sandburg, did I mention that the new girl in Personnel was asking about you? You know, the one you commented you thought was hot?"

"What, Shelly? Great, she is one awesome babe, something for me to go to sleep thinking about tonight."

/The voice was right, the teasing quality, the leer, all sounded right. I can even see that little grin he has. But no change in heart rate, no change in body temperature, no change in respiration, no signs of arousal. None. He faked it. I just told him he was guaranteed a hot date and he faked his response. /

Jim thought about this for the rest of the drive home. Blair showered quickly, and then went to make dinner. Jim wandered upstairs to get undressed.

/I love him./

The thought caught Jim unaware. But then he thought about it for a second and realized that while he had never before given voice to the emotion, the feeling was a long-standing one.

Jim gained control of his emotions and undressed. Okay, test number two.

"Dammit! Hey, Sandburg, can you give me a hand up here for a second?"

Blair turned down the gas and jogged up the stairs... and came face to face with a naked Sentinel. He closed his eyes and swallowed. "Yes, Jim?" /Damn, is that my voice?/

Jim turned away very casually. "It's okay, I got what I needed."

Blair turned on his heels and headed back down the stairs. Jim sat down on the floor.

/Heart rate, respiration, body temp, all spiked. Pupils dilated. Shit, I could smell his arousal! It's me. The kid wants me. Okay, this is good, so now what?/

Jim sat on the floor and wondered what to do. Outside, he could hear his neighbour's stereo...

I can feel something again
Oh, Lord, have mercy
I'm the boy who opens his heart to this life
Oh, Lord, have mercy
It'll bruise you, break you, make you cry
Then you wake up to a clear blue sky
With no rhyme or reason to the reason why
Oh, Lord, have mercy

"Shit! Shit! Shit!"

Jim hopped down the stairs, pulling on his jeans as he went. "Blair?"

"Awww, dammit, man. It's okay, Jim, I just burned myself. I got distracted, I'm okay."

Jim took Blair's hand in his and dragged him over to the sink to run cold water on the burn. "It's not serious, but I bet it hurts. What happened?"

Blair grit his teeth against the sting of the burning sensation that had very little to do with pain. Jim was caressing his hand, there was no other word for it. And it was doing amazing things to his libido.

Blair was becoming aroused. Jim made his decision. "You don't usually get hurt in a kitchen, Chief."

"I guess I was just trying to focus in on the song I was hearing...intriguing lyrics."

Jim let go of Blair's hand. "Well, I guess it proves there's a love song for everyone," he commented as he wandered over in the general direction of the stereo. /Take the bait, Sandburg, come on, take the bait.../

"Yeah right."

/Come on, Chief, just a little further. Get us there./ "I'm serious, Sandburg. I bet I can find the right song for any couple."

"You're on, Jim. Give me a song for Rafe and Brown. Oh, and you can't use 'Another Saturday Night,' either."

Jim turned his back and pretended to be thinking. /So close, Blair. You can do this./

Blair smiled as the opening strains of Pat Benatar's "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" came from the speakers.

"Okay, Simon and Megan."

"Easy."

Blair snorted as Blondie's "One Way or Another" came up on the speakers.

"Us." Whispered softly

Jim still had his back to Blair. If he hadn't been straining, hoping to hear the word, he might have missed it. He suddenly felt a hundred years younger and a thousand pounds lighter.

/God, I hope we're ready for this./ "Easy, Sandburg, no contest at all there."

Blair closed his eyes and wondered if he could survive what he was about to hear. Something by Weird Al, maybe? Oh, God, if you play "Puppy Love," I am going to throw myself head first off the roof.

I tremble inside just thinking
About the world around us
Scared, can't help to wonder
Don't want any changes
About the way we feel
Do you know what I mean?
Catch me I'm falling
Say it's gonna be alright,
It's gonna be alright

I know that we belong:
Do you believe in us?
Just give it half a chance
Yes our love will still be strong and I believe in us,
I'll give you all I can

Time has redefined the meaning of
Love, the way we know it
Love, the way we show it

"Blair? Please Breathe."

Blair inhaled and made a sound that was somewhere between a gasp and a sob

"Does this mean you like my choice of 'our song'?"

Blair's mouth opened, but nothing came out.

"Blair, just tell me you aren't going to run."

"Towards you."

"What?"

"Towards you. I'm running Jim; it's what I do. But in this case it always seems to be towards you. Running may genetic with me, but when the Guide runs in fear, it's to the Sentinel, not away."

"Are you afraid?"

"Yes."

"Of me?'

"No, not of you, of me, of what I feel."

"What do you feel?"

"I... I'm not..."

"Blair, the next move is up to you. Tell me what you need." Jim moved closer "Tell me what you want."

"You. I want you."

"Want?"

"Want, need, ...love."

Only a part of Jim was listening. Some instinct was slowly taking over. The Sentinel moved closer, slowly circling his Guide. He began softly sniffing Blair, mouth slightly open as if tasting the air around him.

"I've dreamed of this, Jim. Fantasized about what it would be like."

"Mmm? Have you ever made love with a man?"

Blair's voice was becoming unsteady as Jim continued to slowly circle him, breathing deeply. "No, but that's not what I meant. This will be the first time I've ever made love, ever been with someone I love."

"I guess we get to make that discovery together." Jim's voice flowed over Blair like warm honey. "Please, take your clothes off for me?"

Blair fumbled with belts and buttons, waiting for Jim to take over. The other man made no attempt to help, however, and simple watched and slowly circled.

Once Blair was standing naked in front of him, Jim continued with his exploration. He reached out both hands and ran them over and around Blair's body about a millimetre from his skin. Close enough for Blair to feel the heat of his hands, but never making actual contact.

"Jim, please, tell me what you're doing, what it feels like."

"This isn't a lab test."

"No, it's not . It's the single most erotic thing I've ever experienced. I need to know... I can't explain."

"Shh, shhh, it's okay. I'm not in complete control here. I know your heartbeat... I know your scent... I guess the best way to describe this is imprinting. I need to imprint you on my soul."

Blair made a soft sound of need as his breath was forced from his lungs. He reached a hand out to touch Jim

"No. Don't touch me. Everything is dialed about as high as it can go - I don't seem to be able to control it. I can detect your pheromones. I can taste the air from your lungs and know that it's you. I can feel the heat, the changes in your body temperature as you become aroused. I can see the flush on your skin. I can sense your soul, and I know you're mine."

"Oh, God, Jim, please..."

"What would you like?"

"I'm so close, and you haven't even touched me."

"Haven't I?"

"Kiss me, please?"

Jim took in the wanton beauty of the man standing before him. His eyes were closed, his mouth slightly open, full lips inviting, already swollen as if... Jim moved closer and ran just the tip of his tongue slowly along the edge of Blair's lower lip.

No sound came from Blair as the force of his orgasm ripped through his body like a cyclone. Rational thought of any kind was beyond him. When he felt Jim's hands on him, felt him begin to lick the semen off his body, he was set adrift, lost in pure sensation.


* * *
"Welcome back."

Jim's deep voice cut through the fog. Blair slowly became aware of himself and his surroundings. He was upstairs in Jim's bed and Jim was stroking and gentling him.

"Jim?"

"Yeah. How are you?"

"I...uh, I...I have no idea. What was that?"

"I'm not sure, but it felt wonderful."

Blair grinned. "Yeah, it did. Is making love with you always going to be like this?"

Jim smiled a very territorial smile as he moved in to kiss his lover. "You can let me know the first time we make love."

Blair closed his eyes as the enormity of his Sentinel's words washed over him. It was the truth, they hadn't made love; they had bonded.

"You belong to me."

"No, Jim, not yet, but I will."

The hand that had been barely caressing began to gently stroke the highly sensitized skin. Jim's touch was driving him quickly back to the edge

"Please... Can I touch you?"

Jim closed his eyes. "Yes."

Blair slowly reached out, and for the first time, touched Jim as a man would touch a lover. His skin was soft and warm and smooth and Blair revelled in the feel of it under his fingertips as he coaxed Jim and himself to new heights.

Together they explored each other until need overcame, and the touches were no longer gentle.

Jim kissed him, and he felt the universe explode. Nothing could be so right as this man's tongue duelling with his own. His thoughts became disjointed as he felt the first rasp of teeth against his skin. He gave up all attempts to remain in any control at the first touch of Jim's mouth to his nipple.

"Blair? I have no idea what I'm doing here."

Blair groaned and arched into his touch. "You're batting a thousand so far."

Jim smiled. Blair controlled almost every aspect of his life; it was nice to have the young man at his mercy.

Blair touched and stroked every inch of his lover until there was only one area left unexplored. He shifted so that he was lying on top of Jim. "I want you to take me. I want you to make love to me. I need to feel you inside of me."

Jim was glad they were thinking along the same lines. "I want, need that, too, Blair. Uh, I guess we need something...?"

Blair thought for a second, then dropped a quick kiss on Jim, and crawled out of bed. He was a bit surprised to find he was unsteady on his feet. "Uh...?"

He heard a chuckle and felt strong arms come around him. "Give me directions, Chief."

"Shelf, in the bag from the Holistic Pharmacy...."

Jim gently placed his lover back on the bed, then wandered off in search of lubricant. He came back to bed and found Blair in exactly the same position he had left him in. "Are you all right?"

Blair opened his eyes. "No. Nothing has ever felt like this. I usually take a more active role in things, but... Jim, I'm not sure I understand what is happening."

"Do you want to stop?"

"No, but..."

Jim lay down beside his best friend. "Blair, I love you, and we have the rest of our lives to explore and discover and define our roles in bed. But tonight, now, all I can think of is sinking into your body, and making love to you. Do you want to stop?"

"No."

"Do you want to explain this?" he asked, holding up a jar of Crabtree & Evelyn's 'Beatrix Potter Tom Kitten Cream for Babies'.

"Well, you refuse to wear gloves in the winter time. It was heading for your Christmas stocking. I tried it out at a friend's place. Lynn's mother-in-law sent her some from London, and I had her order some for you. I mean it is soooo nice, soft and slippery, but nothing feels greasy. It has a really soft scent, and it shouldn't interfere with your sense of touch. Man, I almost passed out at the price, but I figured that anything you could use to help in the winter. I do not want to spend another winter watching you wince every time you pick up a pen because your hands are so damned chapped. Jesus, Jim, it hurt me just to look at them, and I'm babbling again, aren't I? Trust me?"

"Always."

It was said so matter-of-factly, without any affectation, that Blair felt his heart swell with love beyond anything he had felt so far. To gain Jim's love was a great gift, but to have his trust was priceless.

He was trying to think of a way to express how much it meant to him when Jim began to lick the sweat from his throat and the ability to form a sentence was suddenly beyond him again.

Jim began the seduction all over again. He licked and nuzzled and nipped his way down his lover's body. He stayed a long time at the tantalizing buds that stood out from the soft hair on his chest and were so sensitive, stopping only to return to that glorious expanse of throat. Blair convulsed against him when he bit and sucked at the base. Slowly, oh so slowly, he made his way down to the erection that was waiting for him. If he could have formed words, Blair knew he'd be begging by now. He was close to screaming when he felt a slick finger enter him. The faint scent of the cream reached him, and he was amazed at how smooth and soft everything felt. He felt a slight burning as he was stretched, but no pain.

He was actively pushing against the three fingers inside his body when he felt the warmth of Jim's mouth enfold the tip of his aching cock. The universe tilted.

"Now, Jim, please."

He felt Jim try to turn him to his side, but he resisted. Oddly, Jim didn't insist; he shifted and positioned himself over his lover. Blair lifted his legs, wrapped them high around his lover's waist, and lifted his hips up into Jim.

Jim was moving slowly, watching for any signs of resistance or pain. When he was completely inside Blair, he stopped and waited.

Blair knew there should be pain. There was none. No pain, not even discomfort. The scientist in him promised to try to figure this out later -the rest of him told the scientist to shut up and just enjoy this wonderful feeling.

He was being possessed, claimed. Yet somehow he knew that he was the one in control. The scientist was about to start pondering the concept of the 'bottom' actually being the 'top' when Jim started to thrust gently and Blair's brain wandered off again.

Part of him had expected Jim to be demanding. Not rough, but somehow, uh, well....

/You were expecting a caveman, Sandburg./

Blair lifted his eyes and met those of the man making slow sweet love to him. Part of him had been expecting to see the Sentinel. He saw only Jim. His Jim. His tough, sexy, sweet, gentle, loving Jim Ellison.

"Mine. All mine. All my dreams - all my hopes. Mine."

Jim kissed him and whispered words of love into his ear. Blair closed his eyes and came not with a shout, but with a whisper that came directly from his soul.

"I belong to you." v Jim heard the softly whispered words and followed his lover over the edge into oblivion.


* * *
Much, much later, Blair lay cuddled against Jim when he heard their neighbour pull in.

/Tonight, it doesn't matter. Tonight, it's just a song./

Gimme faith in dreams
And someone to hold
Gimme love 'cause I'm out here in the cold
There are no secrets
No angels at my door
And, oh, oh, when you touch my hand
I fall from grace
And, oh, oh, when you reach for me
I fall from grace

/Man,/ Blair thought as he snuggled deeper into Jim's arms, /that chick is scary./



### The End ###