Title: Baggage

Author: Grey

Fandom: The Sentinel

Pairing: J/B

Rating: NC-17

Status: New/Complete

Archive: Yes

Email: Grey853@aol.com

Series/Sequel: No

Date: May 2000

Website: http://members.dencity.com/grey853

Disclaimer: Not mine.

Summary: Jim's not the only one who has issues with intimacy.

Notes: Thanks to Jenn aka XFreak for her constant support.

Warnings: This discusses underage sex and molestation, but doesn't depict it.



Baggage
by Grey

"Sandburg, where's my blue sweater?"

"At the cleaners."

Jim scratched his head and frowned as he called down to his partner over the rail. "What about the green one?"

"Two for one special. Now, hurry up. The eggs are ready."

Sorting through his drawer, Jim pulled out the brown cable knit and pulled it over his head. He sat down on the edge of the bed and put on his socks and shoes while trying to recall when he'd turned over the minute details of his life to Blair Sandburg. He just couldn't remember.

Walking down the stairs, he watched in admiration as his lover orchestrated breakfast, eggs for Jim, algae shake and bagels for himself. Dressed in tight faded jeans and an oversized navy wool sweater, he wore his hair back, the black tie taming the stubborn curls just at the nape of his neck. Every move smooth and practiced, the younger man set the table and served up the meal with the precision of a first class short order chef.

Moving in behind him, Jim danced a few steps until his arms wrapped around his middle, stilling the efforts for the moment. He sniffed his salty skin before kissing the side of his neck and whispering, "You smell good enough to eat, Chief."

Relaxing into the hug, Blair smiled as he smugly patted the side of his face over his shoulder. "I think you already did that. Thanks by the way." He laughed and pulled away far enough to turn in Jim's arms and tease his lips before kissing him, his tongue strong and familiar. Moaning, he pushed at Jim's chest and grumbled. "Wish we had time for an encore, but I've got a meeting at eight."

Reluctantly, Jim cupped his cheek with affection and regret before backing away, his cock stubbornly aching for attention. "And I've got the Thompson case to go over with Simon."

"How's that going?" Blair got the coffee pot and served them both before sitting down across from him.

"It's getting more complicated all the time. This guy must have had half a dozen affairs going on. His wife didn't have a clue."

"And you think one of those people killed him?"

"Maybe, but he had some shady business deals, too. I was hoping you could come down this afternoon and see if you've got a fresh perspective."

"Sure. I'll probably be free by noon. Want to have lunch first?"

"We could eat at the Dim Sum place over on Eastland."

"Sounds good." Blair drank his coffee while scanning through the paper, his glasses down on his nose, his eyes squinting through the lenses as he leaned in closer.

"Looks like you could use some new glasses."

"These are fine."

"You sure? You look like you're working harder than usual to read the fine print."

Glancing up, his face serious and slightly annoyed, Blair smirked. "Not all of us are gifted, man."

"Then get some stronger glasses."

"I don't need stronger glasses, Jim." Closing the paper, Blair stood up angrily, taking his uneaten bagel to the sink. He poured out half of his shake as he started to clean up. The deliberate movements only served to accent his temper.

"What's bugging you lately?"

"Nothing's bugging me."

"Could've fooled me." They remained quiet for several minutes while Jim ate and Blair cleaned the kitchen. Keeping his back to Jim, he put the pans in the sink and remained silent until the older man finally surrendered. "Come on, Chief, did I do something to piss you off?"

"No, man, it's not you." Turning, he wiped his hands and sighed. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so pissy. I just don't like thinking about getting a stronger prescription. I just got these last year. I used to be able to go for years without changing."

"But you were a kid then."

"Gee, thanks, Jim."

"I just meant, it's no big deal. It's normal as you get older."

"Unless you're a sentinel." Pushing back a loose strand, Blair shook his head. "Sometimes I wish I had your senses, man."

"Sometimes I wish you did, too."

Blair met his eyes and smiled, his eyes more blue and brilliant. "Yeah?"

"You bet." Jim finished his coffee and stood up to clear his own dishes. Hooking his arm around Blair's waist, he pulled him closer, their bodies pressed together. "I'd share anything with you, you know that."

"Yeah, I do." Resting his palm over Jim's heart, he patted before resting against him. "Wish we didn't have to go to work."

"Me, too." Pausing, Jim rubbed Blair's back, drinking in the heat of contact. "Have you thought anymore about what I asked?"

"About what?"

"About going away for a weekend, just the two of us."

Blair stiffened in his arms as he pulled away. He edged back to the opposite counter, his arms crossed and his hands tucked up under his armpits. "You know I want to, but this just isn't a good time."

"It doesn't have to be right away. I'd just like to do something special for the two of us, that's all."

"We can do that here."

"That?"

"Yeah, you know, sex."

"I'm not just talking about sex." Jim shook his head and walked into the living room, his head tight, a growing ache claiming his temples.

"Then what are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about just being together."

"We do that here."

Jim rubbed his face in frustration as he worked to find the right words without having to sound mushy. "You're not following me here. I just wanted to make it, you know, *special*."

"Special as in romantic?"

Relieved he never had to actually say the R word, Jim nodded. "Yeah. What's wrong with that?"

"Nothing's wrong with that. I just don't need it."

Swallowing hard, Jim fumbled his tongue before speaking. "Maybe I need it."

"You do?"

"Yeah, maybe."

"Really?"

"Jesus, Chief, don't make a federal case out of it. What's the problem? You don't like a little build up once in awhile?"

Blair stepped closer and sat down across from him as he leaned forward, his face thoughtful and serious. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I'm just surprised, that's all."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I just am. I never really thought of you as the romantic type."

"So, will you think about it?"

Sitting back in the chair, still not smiling, Blair paused and then nodded. "Sure. I'll think about it."

"Thanks. Now, I guess we should get going before the badasses in Cascade take over."

"Too late, man. They've had you cops by the balls for ages."

"All the more reason to kick their asses."

"Got to find your own first, Jim."

"Smart ass."

"Sweet talker. Now, *that's* romantic."

***************

"Looks like this guy Thompson had his hand in a hell of a lot of pies, Jim. I'm surprised someone didn't take him out before now. You sure the wife didn't know about any of this?"

"No, but I'm not getting anything from her or the others that would make me suspect she did it. Nothing's in stone yet, Simon. We've still got a lot of footwork left on this one."

"I see that. So, what's your next move?"

Jim sat back and closed the file, his right hand massaging his temples. "I'm not sure. I'll probably interview the partner again."

"You okay?"

"Yeah, just a headache."

"Everything smooth on the home front?"

Jim shook his head and met his captain's concerned eyes. "Not everything has to do with Sandburg."

"No, but what about this time?"

"It's nothing."

"Jim, come on. You've been acting distracted for a few weeks now. What's up? Is the kid in some kind of trouble?"

Jim sat up, his mind tracing back over their private time together. "I don't think so, but something's going on. I can't put my finger on it."

"Maybe it's something at school."

"Maybe. Look, it's really nothing specific. I'm just still new at this stuff. Blair's nothing like Carolyn."

"You can say that again."

Jim smiled and shrugged as he fingered the edges of the folders. "He still surprises me sometimes."

"Surprises me every time I think about you two together."

"Me, too."

Putting his mug down, Simon leaned in, both hands fisted in front of him on the desk. "You know you can always talk to me if you need to, right?"

"Sure. It's just that right now, I think he's still a little unsure about this commitment thing."

"Commitment thing?"

"I think it scares him a little."

"Why do you say that? Has he said anything about seeing someone else?"

Standing up, Jim walked to the window, his mind searching back over the details of the last few weeks. "No, it's not that."

"Then what is it?"

"It's nothing I can talk about Simon. There are just a lot of little things. Leave it at that. It's just a feeling I have that something isn't right."

"Then you need to talk about it. Not talking about it is what got you into trouble with Carolyn."

"I know that. Believe it or not, I have tried saying something, but he keeps putting me off."

Simon stood up, coming to stand by Jim at the window, his face sympathetic. "And he can run circles like a pro when he doesn't want to talk about something. I've seen that fancy footwork enough times in this office to know that much."

"Tell me about it."

"He can't keep dancing forever, Jim. Besides, bottom line, he loves you. Anybody can see that. Maybe this is just something he has to work out for himself."

"Yeah, maybe. I just wish I had a clue what it was."

"You're a detective. There are always clues. You just have to look at it from another angle. Maybe this thing with Blair has nothing to do with you. Maybe you're just worried about nothing."

"And maybe I'll fuck this up like everything else I've ever done." The bitterness of his own voice jarred him and he stepped back. "I'm sorry, Simon. I can't talk about this anymore." He picked up the folders and headed to the door. "I'll meet with the partner this afternoon and get back with you."

"Jim?"

"Yeah?"

"I'll be here if you need me."

**************

"It's just that he didn't even try to hide it, man. Just turned it in and pretty much dared me to say something." Blair wiped his mouth and took a long pull on the beer before he picked up his chop sticks for the rice.

"So, what are you going to do, turn him in?"

"I have to. Plagiarism is an automatic failure for the course. It used to mean expulsion."

"But didn't you say this guy's dad was rich and a friend of the dean or something?"

"All the more reason to hold him accountable. He can't cheat and get away with it or what's that say about the whole system?"

Jim leaned forward, his arms crossed on the table. "All I'm saying is that maybe you should talk to the dean first. See if there's some kind of compromise instead of all the hassle this is going to cause."

"Compromise? About what? About him buying a paper? He knew exactly what he was doing. Kids like that are punks. They just like to see how far they can push it."

"And it stops with Sandburg, right?"

"This time, yeah." Blair finished off the beer and turned to order another.

"You've already had two, Chief. You're riding with me, remember?"

"But I'm not driving."

"But you're riding. Try the tea instead. More authentic anyway."

Reluctantly, Blair nodded and waved off the waitress. Pouring himself the green tea, he drank a few sips before he continued. "You think I'm wrong."

"You're not wrong."

"Then what's the problem?"

"I just think you're not seeing all the options."

"Cheating's cheating. I can't let him get away with it."

"I didn't say you should, but you don't have to make a crusade out of it, either."

"I'm not doing that."

"Would it be such a big deal if the kid's dad wasn't a big shot?"

"So you're saying I'm not being objective?"

"I didn't say that. I just think you should handle it the way I've seen you do it before when you didn't take it so personally."

"I'm not taking it personally."

"You're not pissed off that the kid's rich and made a point of getting in your face about it?"

Settling back, less defensive, Blair shrugged as he picked up his last Chinese dumpling. "Maybe a little."

"Then give it a few days to cool down. Don't go making ultimatums and backing your dean in a corner with this thing." Blair snorted as he finished off his tea. "What's so funny?"

"I'm usually the one telling you to calm down, not the other way around."

Jim lowered his voice, the words coming out more husky and playful. "I know. I've been paying attention to the teacher."

Blair smiled, his face flushed as he took a deep breath. "Okay, I'll give it a day or two and see how it plays out. I won't ask for his head or anything, at least not right away."

"Good." Jim stood up and picked up the bill. "Grab your coat. We're going to go see Thompson's partner. Find out if there's anything else he might have been involved with that we don't already know."

"Sure. You bring the file?" Blair slipped on his jacket and reached for his backpack, his movements suddenly shaky.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. The file?"

"It's in the truck." Jim dug in his pocket for the keys and tossed them over. "You go ahead. I'll pay and catch up in a minute."

Nodding, Blair walked out the door, his figure clear through the glass as Jim waited in line. As he watched, his partner leaned forward against the hood, holding his head with one hand as he steadied himself. Jim dropped the bill and money on the counter and rushed out, his hand on Blair's arm in a matter of seconds. "What's wrong?"

"It's okay, Jim. I'm fine. I just got a little dizzy."

"Dizzy is not fine. Give me the keys. You're going home."

Blair swallowed hard, his features still pale as he shook his head. "I'm fine. Really."

"You're sure?"

"Of course, I'm sure. I'm no martyr. I donated at the blood drive this morning. Must be catching up with me." Pushing his hair back, Blair stood up straighter and unlocked the door before handing Jim the keys. "Let's just go check this guy out, okay?"

"If you're sure."

"Just drive the truck while I read over what you've done so far."

Starting the engine, Jim drove toward the office building and continued to monitor his friend's condition, Blair's vitals strong, his face back to its normal color. False alarms scared the shit out of him. The real thing didn't do a hell of a lot of good for his system, either.

"It's okay, Jim. Stop staring."

"I'm not staring."

"Whatever." Blair tucked a loose curl back behind his ear and pointed at a spot on the file. "You didn't mention the HIV thing."

"I don't know if it's a factor."

"But it could be. You said he had affairs. Were they with men or women?"

"Both."

"Well, that should make it interesting. How many people knew he was positive?"

"At the time of the first interviews, nobody mentioned it. We didn't have the ME's report back yet."

"The wife didn't say anything?"

"No."

Blair closed the file and shook his head. "Well, this could get hairy."

"You really think it's about HIV and not money or jealousy?"

"I don't know, but I think if a man's screwing around with HIV and not playing it safe, a lot of people might want to kill him."

"We don't know that he wasn't being safe."

"Well, he wasn't safe enough to protect himself in the first place." His voice sharpened, his face even more serious as he turned sideways in the seat. "What if he didn't know he was positive, Jim? What if he got infected and then infected someone else before he knew? What's the name of his doctor?"

"Good question."

***************

"I vote we arrest Boreman."

Jim smirked as he climbed into the truck beside Blair and put the keys in the ignition. "You can't arrest a guy for being a jerk, Chief."

"Seems like a good enough reason to me, man. What an asshole. The guy's partner is dead and all he's worried about is if he can get tested quick enough and maybe sue somebody yesterday, like you can catch it from breathing the same air or some such shit."

"Maybe Boreman slept with Thompson, too."

"Bet me. Easy money, man. No way that happened."

Puzzled at the vehemence, Jim glanced over as Blair shifted in his seat to buckle up. "Why so easy? From the look of things, Thompson pretty much fucked anything that moved."

"Come on, Jim. You were there. The only way Boreman would fuck Thompson would be on a business deal. Money gets him off, not sex."

Frowning, Jim shook his head. "And you call me a cynical bastard."

"And I'm right about that, too." Blair smiled and punched him lightly in the shoulder as he teased. "Cynical's sexy as hell, man."

"You're so full of shit, Sandburg."

"Another attractive trait for the kinky."

Amused, Jim pulled into traffic and tried not to pay too much attention to the heated strain between his legs. He loved a sassy man when he flirted.

"So, what now, Jim? The doctor?"

"I was thinking the wife."

"Poor woman."

"You haven't met Gina Thompson, Chief. Poor isn't exactly how I'd describe her."

"Which is?"

"Try Martha Stewart on speed."

Instead of amusement, Jim noted the deep concern in his partner's eyes as he stared out the truck window. "What's wrong, Chief?"

"That woman's got some serious issues."

"Why, because she acts likes she's doing a showcase for the Home and Garden Channel?"

"I'm not talking about that, Jim. She's obviously bought into that whole Ms. Perfect Homemaker deal. I'm talking about how she reacted when we asked about her husband's condition."

"You mean how she pretty much acted like we hadn't said anything and kept serving tea cakes?"

"Yeah. I mean, we're talking some pretty heavy duty denial going on."

"Well, think about it. From what we know, Thompson screwed around and yet she's oblivious to it. She didn't even flinch when you suggested she get tested. What's that say?"

"She lives in a dream world or she already knew." Blair's frown deepened as he turned in his direction. "Man, I hate this case."

"We've barely started. We've got six people to interview tomorrow in addition to seeing the doctor first thing in the morning. Might give us an edge if we knew whether or not Thompson knew about his HIV before he was killed."

"He could've gotten his results at a clinic."

"He could've, but he would've wanted to be treated by his own doctor."

"Not necessarily. He might have ignored it or gone to someone else for treatment using an alias to keep it secret."

Stopping at the light, Jim shrugged. "Interesting theories, but we don't have anything useful yet. If nothing pans out tomorrow, maybe we should work on the business angle." When Blair didn't answer, Jim turned to see him resting his head back, his eyes squeezed shut, his face tense. "It's been a long day. Want to go home?"

Sitting up again, Blair shook his head. "No, drop me back at the university to pick up the car. I'll meet you home later."

"You want me to bring dinner? I could get pizza."

"No, but you can pick up some fresh bread if you want. Oh, and we're almost out of coffee. Might want to deflect that impending disaster. I'll thaw lasagna and toss a salad. No biggie."

Smiling, Jim nodded, his voice husky. "Light a fire and some candles and I'm there, Chief."

"That reminds me. Red wine. Two bottles. Might ask Angie over to work on that paper she's been doing."

His subtle hints ignored, Jim decided on the direct approach as he resumed driving. "I was sort of thinking maybe we could spend the evening alone for a change."

Frowning, Blair pushed away the stray curls from his tieback. "What do you mean for a change?"

"Well, it just seems like the last few weeks, you've had a ton of excuses for having people over or going out."

"Is this about Rafe's surprise party, man?"

"I'm not talking about that. That was fine. I'd just like some time alone, that's all."

"Sure, that's fine. I'll call Angie tomorrow. It's not a big deal."

"Blair, I just..."

"Just what?"

"I just think we should talk."

His face troubled, Blair swallowed hard before he spoke. "What's going on, Jim?"

"This isn't the place. It's too personal."

"Shit, man, you're scaring me."

"I just meant that I want to be able to give you my undivided attention when we talk, that's all."

"God, you make me crazy. What's this about?"

"We'll talk tonight. I should be home around seven."

His lips pursed, Blair complained. "You're a pain in the ass, you know that?"

"Seven, Chief. Be there."

*****************

Jim walked into an empty apartment, groceries in hand, wondering where the hell Blair was. Shutting the door behind him, he put down the bags and hung up his coat before locking up. As he started to make coffee, he heard the panicked breathing and the muttered curses of Sandburg.

The key fumbled and the door flew open. "Man, I'm like so sorry."

"What happened?"

"You wouldn't believe it."

"Try me."

Shaking his head, Blair dropped his backpack by the door and his keys in the basket. Slipping off his jacket, he stepped to the refrigerator and got a beer and popped the top. "Remember Abe Morris?"

Jim frowned, unhappy at his partner's unsteady condition. "I think so. Isn't he the one who just got married?"

"Yeah, about three months ago. Poor son of a bitch came by the office. His wife left him."

Keeping his voice even, Jim put the bread on the counter and crossed his arms. "Let me guess. You took him to a bar to console him?"

"No, actually he took me, but how did you know that?"

"Because you reek, Chief."

Blair pulled out his sweater and sniffed, making a face in agreement. "Ew. You're right. Guess I should take a shower, huh?"

"Wouldn't hurt. So, how much did you drink?"

"Just a few." Blair took a swallow of his beer and shook his head, his eyes glazed and staring off in the distance. "I just thought Abe and Claire would make it, you know? They seemed so right together."

"You never know about some couples."

"No, you sure as hell don't. Abe was torn up."

"Did you drive like this?"

"Like what?" Blair looked up, confused by the question.

"You're drunk."

"I am not."

"If you'd been stopped, you'd have been busted."

"That's bullshit. I had a few drinks while I listened to a friend spill his guts. I'm not drunk. No way."

Jim walked out of the kitchen, his body tense, his gut knotted and twisting tighter. "I need to know what's going on with you."

"There's nothing going on with me. I've just had a bad day. First Abe and now this shit. I don't need it, Jim. I can live my life without the constant surveillance. Fix your own fucking dinner. I'm taking a shower."

Without waiting for an answer, Blair stormed down the hall and slammed the bathroom door. Water started and Jim clenched his jaw, thinking something was seriously broken between them and he didn't have a clue how to fix it.

************

Fifteen minutes later, Blair came out of the bathroom, his hair damp, his face flushed red from heat and shaving. Dressed in Jim's baggy Property of Cascade Police sweat suit, he looked smaller somehow, the clothes hanging too loosely around him. A fresh nick dotted his chin as he walked into the kitchen, his voice contrite and struggling. "I didn't drive home. David drove. Abe was too messed up." Jim handed him a cup of coffee, leaned back on the counter and remained quiet. "I'm sorry."

"I am, too, but why didn't you just say that?"

"Because you pissed me off by just assuming I was driving drunk. I wasn't."

Jim put his coffee down and stepped closer, his voice quiet as he gently fingered his lover's dark, wet hair and hugged him. "So, what's going on, Blair? Why are you suddenly so on edge about everything?"

"Am I?"

"Seems like it. It's like you get in a panic if we get too quiet. Why is that?"

"I don't know."

Jim cupped his face, lifting it slightly as he kissed him, the taste of fresh mint strong. Pulling back, he sighed. "We'll talk about it later. Right now you should eat."

"I was supposed to fix dinner."

"Don't worry about it. I picked up some pasta salad and we've got chicken sandwiches. Have a seat." Glumly, Blair settled into a chair while Jim served up the food. Without talking, the younger man picked at the salad and finally pushed it away. "You don't like it?"

"It's fine. I'm just not hungry."

"You want more coffee?"

"No, thanks. I'm tired. I think I'll go upstairs and read awhile."

"Sure. I'll finish these and be up in a minute."

"No hurry."

Blair took the stairs to their bedroom while Jim turned and cleaned up the kitchen and stored the leftovers, his mind racing through all kinds of troubles. Turning out the lights, he did a quick run through the bathroom and then checked the locks before heading upstairs to try to find answers.

He found his lover waiting, his brown hair now fluffy, the curls catching the light with a swirling mix of chestnut and auburn. Moving to the side of the bed, Jim stripped off and climbed in under the covers naked, Blair's arms drawing him close for a kiss. Mouths met, the soft moans rippling his belly as an eager hand slid down to cup his balls with a light squeeze. "I love you, Jim."

"I love you, too. So what's the problem?"

Instead of an answer, the younger man slipped under the covers, his fingers teasing Jim's nipples while his tongue licked a trail down his middle. A hand stroked his growing cock, the even pumps stealing Jim's air, his mind swarming with want, his large hands laced with curls.

"Jesus, Chief."

Head back, Jim hissed with a shudder as Blair spread his thighs further apart, lifting his knees, dipping between them. The younger man's tongue flicked the tip of his cock, his lips taking a tour of extended veins before sucking him deep inside. Wet heat swamped his body, the steamy satin tightened as his lover teased him, controlled his breathing, overwhelmed his being with a renewed urgency to bring him off.

As he tried to thrust, Blair pushed him back down, one hand on his belly, the other teasing his ass, the whole time never ceasing the delicious care to Jim's shaft. Helpless, Jim surrendered, swelled into a wave of release catching him suddenly, his body arching upward with a scream and flashing red brightness behind squeezed lids. Pleasure rocked him, his cock the center of all wishes granted.

Falling back, sweat slicked his chest and trickled down the back of his neck as Blair rose up and draped himself across his body, his legs still resting between Jim's. He tasted himself on his partner's loving kisses as the younger man moaned and caressed his face before Blair slowed and rested his head over Jim's heart.

His arm wrapped around him, Jim petted back the wild curls and whispered, "I love you so much."

"Same here, Jim." Swollen lips met his again, the fervent kiss wanton and delicious. Pulling back, Blair slid to the side and snuggled in close. "I'm sorry for being such an asshole."

Hugging him closer, Jim rested his chin on a nest of curls. "Tell me what's wrong. Please."

"It's nothing I can't handle."

"Don't shut me out here."

Sighing loudly, Blair shifted and sat up, pulling the blanket over his lap and then pushing his hair back with both hands. His face still flushed, he frowned and shook his head. "You're not going to like it."

The words chilled him as Jim swallowed back his fear and kept his voice even. "Is it me? Have I done something wrong?"

Smiling, Blair shook his head and took Jim's hand, kissing the palm and then holding it to his chest. "It's nothing you've done. It's what you might do in the future."

"You're losing me here."

"That's what I'm afraid of."

"Of losing me?"

"Yeah. I know it's crazy. I know it. But I can't seem to stop thinking about it."

"Jesus, Chief. You really think I'd leave you?"

Blair avoided his eyes, his face drawn as he petted Jim's fingers while he spoke quietly. "It's stupid, I know."

Jim's voice softened and he sat up and pulled Blair closer. "It's not stupid if that's how you feel. I just don't understand why you'd feel that way."

"I guess because it's happened before."

Jim remained quiet and then nodded. "I suppose I can relate to that. I thought Carolyn would last forever."

"And you were married to her."

"I'm married to you, too, Chief."

"Not legally."

"Fuck legal. We're married, at least in my head we are. I don't need a ceremony to know I'm going to love you forever."

Blair ran his hand over Jim's chest and then relaxed before his arms wrapped around the older man's waist. A brief shudder ran through him before he spoke. "I know you mean that, Jim. I do. But things change. What if I can't give you something you need? What then?"

"What are you talking about? What could I want that you can't give me?"

"A lot of things. Children for one."

"I don't want kids. Do you?"

"No."

"So, what else?"

The words hesitated, hushed and fearful. "Remember the other night when you wanted to fuck me?"

Jim's breath stilled, his skin suddenly cold. Shit. "Yeah, I remember."

"What if I can't ever let you do that?"

"Is that what this is about? You think I'm going to leave you because we can't make love one way out of hundreds?"

Blair sat up and avoided his eyes, his face still serious. "But it's something you like."

"You're right, I do. I like it a lot. But it's something I can live without. I mean, shit, Chief, have I ever complained about how we make love?"

"No, but..."

"Then what makes you think that something like that will be enough to break us up?" When Blair didn't answer, Jim lifted his chin and met his eyes. "We can do it any way you want, anytime you want."

"What a slut."

The slight tease in his lover's voice pleased him. "You bet." He kissed him briefly and then pulled him into his arms again as he gently combed his curls with his fingers. "Feel better?"

"Yeah, some."

"Only some?"

"Okay, a lot."

After a few moments of quiet, Jim relaxed and stroked his hand up and down Blair's bare arm. "I know this is probably none of my business, but is there a particular reason why you don't even like being touched there?"

Blair stiffened, but didn't pull away, his breathing slightly faster. "It's a long story."

"So there is a story?"

"Oh, yeah, there's a story."

Jim nodded and sighed, his heart already heavy. "How much am I going to hate this?"

"Look, why don't we go downstairs? I can't do this here."

"Here?"

"In our bed. I can't bring that son of a bitch into our bed, okay?"

"Fuck."

"Fuck about covers it."

********************

The more Blair paced, the more Jim worried. His lover moved back and forth in front of the window as he ran his hands back through his hair, the movements fraught with nervous tension.

Jim sat on the sofa, his own body tight, not sure if he should speak or remain silent. After a few more moments, Blair finally decided for him. "I've never told anyone about what happened."

"Not even your mom?"

"Especially not my mom." Blair stopped suddenly and stared out the window, the dark night speckled with the glitter of bright windows in the distance. "She would've been too hurt, like it was her fault or something."

"Was it?"

"No, but she'd think it was." He turned and leaned back against the brick wall, his arms crossed. "She was with this guy, Doug Gould. Doug was okay, I guess. I didn't like him much, but Mom did. He took her places and we lived with him and his son through a whole summer one year."

"And what happened to you involves this Gould person?"

"No, his son Glenn." Blair hesitated and turned away again, this time his head down, his eyes squeezed shut. "I was so stupid, man. He had a perfect shot and he took it."

"Perfect shot for what?"

"For whatever he wanted." Blair took a deep breath and then sagged down in the chair across from the sofa. He leaned forward, his elbows braced on his knees, his hair hanging down free like a dark curtain. "I'd never been with anyone before Glenn. To be honest, I thought there was something wrong with me. I didn't seem to like girls like I was supposed to. Anyway, Glenn took me places while my mom was busy with Doug. We went to ball games, museums, all kinds of nice places I'd never been to before. And he bought me presents. If I saw a book I wanted, it was mine for the asking. Clothes, jewelry, you name it, he bought it. I mean, it was great for awhile."

Jim rubbed his mouth before he could ask the next question, his skin clammy. "Just how old were you when this happened?"

"Fourteen."

"Shit."

"Yeah, well, I was an old fourteen, Jim. Hell, I thought I knew everything."

"And this Glenn? How old was he?"

"I don't know. Old enough to run his dad's business."

"Son of a bitch." Jim stood up, his heart racing, the anger revving up his blood to a fever pitch. Cop and lover both kicked in at the same time wanting to track down Gould's sorry ass and throw him into a deep, dark prison. "This guy touched you?"

"He did more than touch, Jim."

"God."

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For letting it happen."

"What?" Jim stepped closer, his eyes narrowed, his mind confused. "You didn't let anything happen, Blair. This guy abused you."

"But I didn't think of it like that at the time. I liked him and I liked what we did up to a point."

"Up to a point?"

Grasping his hands together, Blair stared off in the distance, his voice shaky. "Everything was great until that weekend."

"What weekend?"

"Doug took my mom away to Paris and Glenn wanted to do something special." Blair leaned back, his face solemn and his eyes misty. He snorted with a derisive laugh. "God, I was so stupid. When we got on his boat, I thought we were going fishing for christsakes."

His throat dry, Jim sat back down on the sofa and waited. After a few moments, Blair wiped the side of his face, the tear leaving a wet trail against his skin. "He waited until we got pretty far out before he did anything. At first it was nice. We were just making out like usual, but then it got ugly and it hurt. He'd never done that before." The words became more distant, Blair's voice softer, more detached. "Afterwards, he told me how great it was, how he loved me. God, I was so fucked up, I believed him."

"And it happened again?"

"Yeah. And I hated it every time. God, it hurt so much, man. I'd be really sore and bleeding for days afterward. Sick bastard that he was, I think Glenn liked that, because he would go out of his way to take care of me, but then he'd taunt me about how good it was going to be next time."

"And your mom never noticed any of this?"

Blair looked up, his face pale, his eyes shadowed. "She didn't know, because I didn't want her to know. She wants to think the best of everybody and I wanted to keep it that way."

"Jesus, Blair. I can't believe you've been keeping this a secret for so fucking long."

"I'm sorry. Don't be pissed."

Eyes blurred with a deep sting as Jim stood up and walked over to the chair to kneel beside it. His hand caressed the side of his lover's face, the whiskers lightly burning his skin. "I'm not pissed at you, Chief. I'm pissed that this happened, that this Gould bastard did this shitty thing and got away with it."

Blair closed his eyes and relaxed into the gentle cup of Jim's hand. "He didn't, not really."

"I don't understand."

"He died the next year. He didn't live long enough to get away with anything."

Using both hands to hold Blair's face, Jim kissed him tenderly before pulling back, his voice in a hush. "But he did. He hurt you and as far as I'm concerned, he didn't die soon enough."

Blair touched the back of Jim's hand at his face, his expression still grim. "I just want to forget about it."

"But forgetting doesn't work. You still haven't dealt with it."

"I thought I'd dealt with it a long time ago."

"Not if you still can't let anyone even touch you like that."

"I know." Blair pulled away and stood up, his hand pushing his hair back. "I just wanted you to understand why, that's all."

Standing up, Jim nodded and hooked the back of Blair's neck to draw him in closer. "I do understand. Why don't we go back to bed now and try to rest?"

Thumbing Jim's lower lip, Blair shook his head. "I can't. I'm still wired. I think I'm going to go for a walk."

"It's freezing out."

"I just need to be alone for awhile."

Jim gave him a quick kiss and reluctantly released him. "Longer than an hour and I'm putting out an APB."

Reaching for his coat, Blair stopped at the door and turned around. "Thanks, Jim. I mean it."

"For what?"

"For being so cool about it."

"I'm always cool, Chief."

"Yeah, right. And delusional."

*****************

The mattress dipped as Blair crawled into bed beside him wearing his tank top and shorts. Jim raised his arms and motioned for a snuggle. Complying, Blair's warm body still carried a hint of cool night air. "You okay, Chief?"

"I didn't want to wake you."

"I wasn't sleeping."

Resting his head against Jim's shoulder, Blair sighed. "Sorry."

"Not your fault."

A few moments of silence passed before Blair spoke again. "I've been thinking."

"About?"

"Gina Thompson."

"What about her?"

"I know people react differently to bad news, Jim, but there's something really off about her and I'm not just talking about her housekeeping fetish. I'm thinking she has a lover somewhere."

"And you think this lover might have had it in for Thompson?"

"Wouldn't you if he endangered someone you loved?"

"Probably." Jim nuzzled Blair's neck, the tendons too tight for sleeping. "Relax, Chief. We'll check it out in the morning."

"Okay." Blair took a deep breath and then nestled in closer, his voice low. "I was also thinking that maybe we could take that weekend off you wanted. I think I'd like that."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. We could go next weekend if you want. I'm free Friday afternoon and don't have anything at school for the following Monday. You think Simon would be okay with that?"

"I think he'd be fine with it."

Relaxing slightly, Blair nodded and closed his eyes. "So, what's the plan then? Camping or what?"

"Or what. I've got this friend named Eric who runs a vacation place about three hours from here. There's a main lodge and private cabins. He's been trying to get us up there ever since we got together."

"And he doesn't have a problem with gay couples?"

Jim chuckled and rested his chin on the top of Blair's head. "Did I mention his lifetime partner is a guy named Ken?"

"No, but it sounds great. Why don't we skip work and go tomorrow?"

Jim shook his head and settled even further under the covers, his hand taking a lazy rub down Blair's side, the slight shudder at his touch inviting. Taking a detour to his lover's crotch, he found the growing erection, the flesh silky hot. Blair moaned as he fell back, spreading his legs and squeezing his eyes shut. Slowly, Jim pumped, watching the flush and sheen of the younger man's skin. It took only a few well-timed strokes and kisses to bring him off, the finishing whimper a call to his own cock to join in. He ignored his own body and reached over for a tissue to clean up as Blair's frantic breathing finally slowed, his racing heart falling back to a relieved rhythm.

"Better?"

"Thanks, Jim."

Reaching up, Blair pulled him down, the kiss deep, the tongue probing with a passionate but languid strength. Pulling back, Jim cupped his face. "Think you can sleep now?"

"Like a baby, man."

Sliding in closer, they both cuddled, the musk and sweat scenting the air, Blair's hairy chest a sweet cushion between them. Jim closed his eyes and drank in the heady rush of contact, the wonderful surge of power that love gave his often sagging and cynical spirit.

************

Checking through the phone records, Jim furrowed his brow before clicking some numbers into the computer. After a few moments, he smiled and swore. "Son of a bitch."

"What?"

Jim turned and shook his head. "You'd make a great detective, Chief."

"Only in another lifetime, man. So, what'd you find?"

"Juliet Branson, aka Gina Thompson's best phone buddy, and if our guess is right, her lover." He stood up and grabbed his jacket before handing Blair's to him. "Come on. Let's go visit Ms. Branson and see what she has to say about an alibi."

"I thought we were going to interview the rest of the suspects again."

"Might not have to if this pans out."

Heading to the elevator, Blair remained quiet by his side. Once inside, the doors slid closed and Jim punched the button. "You okay?"

"Sure, I'm fine. I was just thinking."

"About?"

"I've heard that name before. She's associated with the university somehow." After a brief pause, he nodded. "Yeah, she's in the English department. It's Dr. Branson and she teaches literature with a focus on feminist studies. I think I met her once." Blair closed his eyes, his brow wrinkled as he rubbed his forehead. "I remember now. She was with Amy Logsdon. Boy, did that start the tongues wagging."

"Because?"

"Because they were making out in one of the back rooms and Dr. Warner walked in on them." Blair met his eyes and grinned. "You'd have to know Warner to really appreciate how funny that was. The guy's a conservative asshole who thought it was the end of the world or something. I mean really, two women kissing ought to do it, right?"

Jim didn't smile but walked out of the elevator with Blair behind him. "So, how did this Branson woman react?"

"Nonchalant, actually. Amy was scarlet though. I don't think she was ready to be out yet."

"And do you know if they're still together?"

"I don't think so. Amy's dating a friend of mine, Tina Chapel."

"I guess that leaves Branson open for another relationship, then."

"And you think that would be with Gina Thompson?"

"Maybe. Let's go find out."

As Jim climbed into the truck, he waited for Blair to put on his seat belt before starting the engine. Driving through downtown traffic cut back on the conversation until they made it to the highway. Then Blair asked, "Do you really think Branson might have killed Thompson?"

"I don't know yet, but if Gina's a lesbian, maybe she and her husband had a cover deal going on."

"Cover deal?"

"Yeah, you know. Being married can be a great cover if you're gay. You can still be respectable and do what you want in private."

"That's a really cynical attitude, man. Maybe Gina really loved him at first, but after he fooled around on her, she found someone else."

"Could be, but it's all speculation for now. What we've got is Barry Thompson dead and too many possible perps. We've got to narrow it down. The spouse is usually the prime suspect for murderer, but that doesn't really track here. My gut tells me she wouldn't do it on her own, but a lover might."

Blair nodded thoughtfully and stared out the window, drawing tiny circles in the mist clouding the inside of the glass. "So, are we going to her house or the university? I'm thinking she might be at work today."

"We'll try her house first, then school if she's not there." After a few moments, he added, "I called Eric this morning. He's got a cabin free next weekend. He's looking forward to meeting you."

Meeting Jim's eyes, Blair smiled. "You realize this is the first time we've gone away together as a real couple, right?"

"I realize that, Chief. You nervous?"

"A little, but it's not the same kind of nervous I felt before."

Puzzled, Jim pulled to a stop at the red light and pushed for more. "I don't understand."

Blair looked away and bit his lower lip, the words tight as he spoke softer. "Before I was afraid you wanted to go away because things weren't good enough between us."

"And now?"

"And now I know it's because you want to show how good things already are."

Reaching out an arm, Jim touched his shoulder lightly, the small shudder in Blair's body vibrating his palm. "You know I love you."

"I know. And I love you, too." He took Jim's hand and pulled it to his mouth for a brief kiss before he looked up. "Last night made me understand just how much."

The car behind them honked and Jim frowned in frustration as he glared in the mirror at the other driver. Moving along in traffic, he wished he could just go home and make love to his partner all afternoon, to run his hands all over that gorgeous compact body, to taste every inch, to drown in the whole being of Blair. His husky voice begged, "You want to take an early lunch?"

Smiling at Jim's obvious arousal, Blair shook his head. "It's only ten o'clock, man. We can at least wait until after we finish with Branson."

"Speak for yourself, Chief."

"Extra touchie-feelie all of a sudden?"

"You bet."

"Maybe we should run tests."

Grinding his teeth at the tease, Jim gripped the wheel harder. "Keep it up, Sandburg."

The low laugh flushed Jim's skin as his partner petted his bulge and then his face. "I think you've got that covered, man."

**************

Finding Branson became a challenge, but they finally found her at the University office. Petite with dark, short-cropped hair, she stared at them with bright brown eyes. "Come in, detective. I was wondering how long it would be before you finally showed up." She paused when she saw Blair, cocked her head and added, "Blair Sandburg, working in anthropology, right?"

"Yeah. We met at the dean's party last year."

"The famous outing." She looked first at Blair and then at Jim, her eyes narrowed. "So, are you training to be a cop on the off chance anthropology doesn't work out?"

"No, I'm an observer with the Cascade PD."

She considered the information and nodded as she motioned to a chair before she sat down behind her desk, her hands clasped in front of her. "Have a seat, gentlemen. What I can I do to help?"

Jim remained standing while Blair sat in the chair nearest the window. "What's your relationship is with Gina Thompson?"

"We're close friends."

"How close?"

"Very. And if you want to know if I killed Barry, I didn't, not that I hadn't thought about it plenty of times. Gina's a sweet person. Barry lived through his prick. She deserved better."

"And better would be you?"

"Maybe. But if you're asking if we're lovers, we're not. She's not ready for that. She really did love him."

Jim pursed his lips and studied the woman closely, her vitals constant, her tension no more than expected while answering questions. "Do you know if she knew about his HIV condition?"

"She knew. Son of a bitch told her a few weeks ago."

Her pulse raced, the sweat on her forehead increasing as Jim pressed her. "Had he exposed her?"

"Who knows? I mean, she says they hadn't had sex in months, but he could have infected her before then. She was more worried about Barry than herself, afraid the bastard would suffer too much if it got worse."

"Worried enough to do something?"

Branson looked up and met his eyes, her face serious. "Are you suggesting Gina killed him to stop him from getting AIDS?"

"Would she?"

Branson shook her head and leaned back, measuring her words before she spoke, her voice precise. "No, but she wouldn't have to."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, you need to talk to Arthur Wilson."

"You know Arthur Wilson?"

"Gina knew all about everyone Barry screwed." She wet her lips and sighed before she continued. "I probably shouldn't tell you this, but Gina won't and it's important."

"Then tell me."

"Barry and Gina, well, they had a strange relationship. She liked to hear about his other lovers."

"What do you mean exactly when you say hear about?"

"I mean she got turned on by him telling her what he did with them sexually, especially the men. At any rate, this Wilson guy is really into risk taking and violence. It scared Gina and she warned Barry he needed to be careful."

Blair piped in for the first time during the interview. "What kind of risk taking?"

"Doing it in public places, places where they could get caught. He liked power games and doing anything that put him on top. He also insisted on barebacking. According to Gina, Barry told her he wanted to leave him, but was afraid to."

Jim jotted down the notes and then asked, "Did she say why he was afraid?"

"She just said Wilson had a bad temper, that Barry sometimes came home with bruises and welts after being with him."

"Did Ms. Thompson mention anyone else Barry might have been afraid of?"

Branson shook her head as she sat straighter. "No, not really. He didn't like his business partner much, but I don't think he was afraid of him. He's just a jerk." She paused and met Jim's eyes. "Anything else, detective?"

"Where were you on the night of the murder?"

"At a meeting with Dean Jamison until 10 and at home with a friend the rest of the night."

"The friend's name?"

"Chantell Martin. Anything else?"

"No. I think that should do it. Thank you for your time."

As they headed for the door, Blair turned. "Dr. Branson?"

"Yes?"

"Has Gina been tested yet?"

Her face saddened. "Yes, but the results are inconclusive. She has to be tested again in a few weeks."

"I'm sorry."

As they left and shut the door to the office, Jim heard the stifled sounds of crying. Putting his hand to the small of Blair's back, he urged him forward, the need to breathe fresh air suddenly overwhelming.

*****************

"God, you make me crazy."

"Settle down, man. The doctor said I'd be fine."

"Yeah, fine." Jim clenched his jaw as he crossed his arms around his chest and held back the awful pain of both anger and fear swelling inside him. He paced the small ER cubicle as they waited for the release papers to be drawn up.

Blair touched the fresh bandage on his forehead and frowned. "Six stitches isn't bad."

"Fuck the stitches, Sandburg. You could've been killed."

His voice softened as Blair looked up, his words even and calm. "But I wasn't, Jim. I'm okay. Wilson was just desperate. He didn't get a good aim."

"Didn't get a good aim?" Jim stalled and stared at his friend in disbelief. "He threw you down a flight of stairs for godsakes."

Blair stretched and touched his back as he shrugged. "That's true, but you got him and he's locked up, right?"

"That's not the fucking point and you know it."

"Then what is the point? I mean, neither of us could've predicted he would react like that. What? You think you could've guessed he was going to go nuts and bounce me around?"

Shaking his head, Jim closed his eyes as he took a deep breath, the image of his lover's twisted body at the bottom of those stairs playing over in his mind. Reason battled to win, but terror roared louder. "I don't know, Chief. It just happened so fast. I should've seen something."

"You're a sentinel, Jim, not superman, not some psychic. We do the best we can and that's it." Jim opened his eyes at the gentle touch to his shoulder as his partner leaned in for a brief kiss to his cheek. "I'm okay. We're both okay and that's all that matters."

Grudgingly, Jim nodded, his throat too tight to speak. The pale features shadowed by the afternoon beard scared him. He led Blair back to sit down just as the nurse arrived with the papers. After signing them, Blair held up a hand as she started to give him instructions. "It's cool. We've been through this before."

As he slipped off the table, he grabbed his jacket and motioned for Jim to follow. He talked as they walked out together. "You call Simon and tell him I'm okay?"

"Rafe did."

"Rafe?"

"Yeah, he was here awhile ago with Brown. I told him to tell everyone I was taking you home before I came down to finish the paperwork on Wilson."

The glass doors opened in front of them as they headed for the parking garage. "I don't have to go home, Jim. You've got to take my statement anyway, so I might as well do that now and get it over with."

"You're going home. Don't fucking argue." Jim fumbled for his keys and finally pulled them out of his pocket.

"Okay. If you want."

"I want."

Without saying anything else, Jim unlocked the door on the passenger's side first and then walked around to the driver's side. He paused, the fury building, the haze fogging his vision too powerful to ignore. Leaning his forehead on the edge of the side mirror, he squeezed his eyes shut and willed himself to take a deep breath without screaming. After a few more seconds, he opened his own door and climbed in. Blair sat there quietly, watching him with concern. As he started the engine, the younger man asked, "You okay?"

"No."

"I'm really sorry, Jim. It's not like I did this on purpose."

"I know that."

"Then what's the deal? It's not like this is the first time I've gotten hurt and it's not even that bad."

Clenching his jaw, Jim shook his head and turned in his seat, his heart pounding too fast. He swallowed hard, his whole body still too tight to breathe easily. "I'm not pissed at you, Blair." His voice strained the words, each one raspy and rough. "I hate not being able to protect you. It was bad enough before, but now, it's almost unbearable."

Blair's expression softened, his pale face not quite as drawn or haggard. "It's okay to be afraid, Jim. I feel the same way every time you do your John Wayne shit."

"John Wayne shit?"

"Yeah, you know, when you go in all butch, ready to take some badass down. Every time you do that, I think, damn, I'm going to lose him."

"You do?"

"Yeah, but I can't let that stop me from being there, right? Just like you can't let your fear stop you, either. It's just part of what we do." He fingered his temple and frowned as he took a deep breath. "Of course, some days I think we should both think about a new career soon."

Jim reached out and gently touched Blair's face, his fear easing. "I could quit."

Blair met his eyes as he took Jim's hand in his. "Quit being a cop?"

"Yeah."

"You'd do that?"

"Is right now too soon?"

Smiling, Blair shook his head. "You know, as tempting as that is, we both know that you were born to be a cop."

"Not if it means putting you in danger."

Tilting his head, the younger man frowned. "You're serious."

"I wouldn't say it if I weren't. There are plenty of things I could do. I don't have to be a cop."

"Man, as much as I like the idea of you taking off that gun, I just can't see it. You love your work, and to be honest, I love being with you while you're doing it."

"Even when you get knocked around and shot at?"

"Well, those aren't my favorite times, no." Blair shifted in his seat so he could face him more directly. "The thing is, it's all in the same package. Sure, I got a little banged up today, but we also caught a killer. It all balances out, Jim. We can't let the fear keep us from doing what's right for both of us."

"And you think my being a cop is what's right for both of us?"

"For now, yeah."

"For now?"

"I can't predict the future any more than you can. I don't know if the price will be too high some day. Neither of us can know that. We just have to make the best of what it is today. For me that means you being a cop and me being your partner."

Sighing, Jim caressed Blair's cheek and then nodded. "Let's go home."

"Okay. You going to go back to the station alone then?"

"Just long enough to make sure Wilson's tucked in good and tight."

Blair buckled his seat belt, the movement obviously painful. Gritting his teeth, he crossed his arms and closed his eyes as he spoke. "What do you think will happen? You think the DA will prosecute or try to make a deal?"

"I don't see Wilson as the deal type, not when he thinks it was justified after what Thompson did."

"It's going to get messy."

"It's already messy, Chief." Jim backed out of his space and started out the garage. "One man's dead and another's looking at a lifetime in prison, probably locked in the AIDS ward. It's going to be a media circus when the sordid details of Thompson's sex life hit the wires."

Blair opened his eyes and frowned. "You think maybe we should warn Gina Thompson?"

"I already did. While you were in X-ray, I called her to tell her about Wilson. Then I called Branson."

"You called Branson?"

"Yeah. I figured Gina might need a strong shoulder. Branson struck me as tough enough."

Blair shook his head and patted Jim's arm. "You playing matchmaker again?"

"Your stitches too tight? I just thought it was the right thing to do. It's no big deal. They're friends."

"I'll remind you of that when we get an invitation to their wedding."

**************

"I take it the kid's all right or you wouldn't be here." Simon stood in front of his own desk, his hands on his hips.

"Blair's fine, sir, no thanks to Wilson." Sitting at the conference table in the captain's office, he fisted both hands and raised them to his mouth.

"You know Rafe got Wilson to write out a confession?"

"I'm not surprised. He was raving all the details when we got there this afternoon."

Simon stepped closer looking puzzled. "So, what changed his mind? When you talked to him the other day, you said he didn't seem suspicious."

"He didn't. It wasn't until I mentioned what Dr. Branson told me about his relationship with Thompson being rough that he got nervous. Then when I pressed him about the HIV thing, he went off."

"And that's when Sandburg got pushed down the stairs?"

Jim closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose as the whole scene flashed again. "I wasn't expecting him to react like that. Wilson's at least 220 pounds and Blair got in the way of the exit. I couldn't move fast enough to stop it."

"He's lucky he wasn't hurt worse."

"I know." Jim bit his lower lip as he sat back and crossed his arms tightly around his chest. "Just some bad bruises and stitches. Nothing too serious."

"You okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

Looking up, Jim met his friend's dark eyes. "I told Blair I wanted to quit being a cop."

"You're kidding."

"No, I'm not, but Blair talked me out of it for now."

Taking the seat across from Jim, Simon stared hard, his concern playing across his shadowed features. "For now? Are you saying you're really thinking about quitting in the future?"

"To be honest, I've been thinking about it for awhile now."

"Since when?"

"Since right after Blair and I decided to really live together. I don't want to ever have to be without him again, Simon. I don't know if I could live with myself if something ever happened to him because of the job."

Simon nodded, pursing his lips and thinking for a few moments before he finally spoke. "Have you told Blair how you're feeling?"

"He knows. He just thinks I'm overreacting. Again."

Pausing, Simon got up and stood by the window, his back to Jim, his voice even more rough than usual. "You know you're the best cop I've ever worked with. It'd be a big loss if you decided to actually leave."

"It'd be a bigger loss if something happened to Blair."

Simon turned and leaned back against the window sill. "That's true, but you and I both know that could happen at anytime. It could happen to me or you or anyone we know. Granted, being a cop and Blair being an observer ups the ante on the possibility, but I'm sure you've considered the higher value of what you gain for the risk. You love being a cop and you're good at it, the most natural I've ever seen, and that's saying something. I'd hate to see you leave and then find out that you're not happy doing something else. You might end up resenting Sandburg or worse."

"Worse?"

"Don't take this the wrong way, Jim, but when you're unhappy you can be a pretty miserable bastard."

"Hell, Simon, why would I take that the wrong way?"

"I just don't want you to end up losing Blair because you hate doing whatever you end up doing."

"That's not going to happen. Besides, I'm not quitting."

"Not yet."

"No, not yet."

One hand palmed and rubbed the back of his head as Simon frowned. "Do me a favor, Jim."

"What's that?"

"If you ever decide to quit, be sure to give me some notice. I mean, let's face it, a good pit bull like Ellison is hard to find."

"And to tame."

"Who are you telling?"

**************

Jim finished the dishes while Blair stretched out on the couch, his head back, his eyes closed. "You should go on up to bed, Chief. You're wasted."

"I am a little tired."

"Go on to bed then. I'll finish up down here, watch a little of the game, and be up later."

Sighing, Blair opened his eyes and studied him, the deep blue circled by shadows. "Come here."

Drying his hands on the towel, Jim walked over and sat down. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." Hooking the back of his neck, Blair drew him in, his lips pressing against his, their teeth clicking together, his tongue busy. Relaxing into it, Jim cupped his lover's face, his breathing briefly halted. Breaking it off, Blair smiled and ran the back of his hand up and down the side of Jim's cheek. "You've got no idea how much you mean to me, Jim."

"As much as you mean to me, Chief." The words came out husky and rich, filtered through the revived hunger. "Let's go upstairs."

"I'm too sore to do much."

"I can do all the work. All you have to do is let me."

Swallowing hard, his eyes wide, Blair nodded. Leading the way, Jim had him upstairs and sitting on the edge of the bed in no time. Carefully, he removed the shirt, catching his breath at the sight of the bruises. "Jesus, Chief."

Touching the largest one on his left side gingerly, Blair frowned. "I know, man. They're ugly mothers."

"And they're going to hurt even more tomorrow."

"Probably." Blair shifted as he shed his sweats, letting Jim drag them off and toss them to the side. Completely bare, teasing circles in his own chest hair, he lay back and motioned for Jim to undress. "Your turn."

Keeping his movements even, Jim watched Blair's quiet approval, the smile and lick of the lips of his young lover a driving force to his groin. Stripped naked, he stepped in closer, his cock already hard and ready. "Move up higher on the bed."

Scooting up quickly, Blair lay on his back, spreading his legs as Jim kneeled between them. Keeping his weight up, bracing himself with his knees and outstretched arms, Jim dipped down and kissed the right nipple, his teeth biting it, the nub hardening to his light gnaw. The soft moan of his name spurred him on, testing the other side, licking a trail between them, his mouth starving for the smoky taste of Blair's arousal.

Changing position to steady himself over his target, he flicked the tip of Blair's cock, the pump of his lover's hips an automatic response. Using one hand to stroke himself, he used the other to fondle Blair's balls before he wrapped and managed the hot shaft shoved harder in his direction. "Settle down, Blair. We're good here."

"God, man, just do it."

Smiling at the urgent words, he rounded his mouth and followed orders, the suction between tongue and lips working together. Bitter tang washed his throat as he bobbed his head, his rhythm matching the pump of his hand at his own groin. Air thinned as he worked his lover, his thoughts spreading to slender layers of burning sensation, the hum of coming spreading. His thighs shook, the sweat trailing down in long tickles as the muscles worked harder to hold his weight. Spine bowed, he trembled with pressure building, the heat swarming over his body. His skull warped with his warbled vision, splayed out with wide brushes of scarlet, his eyes shut down and blinded. The sudden spasm of Blair's coming almost gagged him, his breathing near finished. Pulling back, he managed his own pulsing wave, the release blasting into flashes, the wonder of it doubling him over as he shouted out his pleasure.

Landing by Blair's side, he shuddered with the last jerk of release. He gulped air and worked to open his eyes, but remained in the dark. His body still trembled and soaked in the delicious heat as his lover turned to hold him, to pull him closer and rest his head on his chest. "God, I love you, Jim."

Palming the damp curls, Jim took several long seconds to regain his strength before he smiled and whispered, "Same here."

They lay quietly for awhile, Jim's eyes still squeezed shut, his world narrow and cozy. After a few moments, Blair pulled up the sheets to cover them, snuggling in closer. The slight hitch in his breathing caught Jim's attention. "You okay?"

"Better than okay. It's just the bruises."

"I didn't hurt you?"

"You were great. Thanks." He lifted his head briefly and kissed Jim's chin before settling back down against him. Heated puffs of air cooled quickly as he spoke. "You know what?"

"What?"

"I wish we could go away this weekend. You think your friend would have a cabin free now instead of later?"

Jim opened his eyes, but didn't sit up, just listened to the steady sounds of his lover's heart. "You really want to?"

"Why not? I think it would be kind of romantic."

"I thought you didn't like that sort of thing?"

"Maybe you can show me what I've been missing."

Hugging him gently, Jim took a deep breath and smiled, the idea of teaching his teacher pleasing. "You really want that?"

"I've carried around a lot of baggage, Jim, I know that. I think it's time to make some changes. You deserve that."

"You're wrong, Chief. We both deserve it."

Rubbing his beard against Jim's bare belly, Blair licked his navel, his voice low and husky as he reached down to stroke his cock lovingly. "You want romance, I'll give you heaven."

Bringing his lover's head up, he kissed him before he whispered, "Believe me, Chief, you already have."



The End