Title: "All You Need Is a Cape, Ellison.", chapter 15

Author: Alexis Rogers

Category: Drama, Episode Related: survival

Rating: NC-17

Warnings: b/d, s/m, m/m, angst, Other: see story notes

Pairing: J/B

Summary: In a counseling session, Jim and Blair discuss Blair's punishment, Jim's first *scene*, and Blair's upcoming fisting

Series/Sequel: Series. This chapter will make no sense without the previous ones, which are available at the author's website or directly from the author. If you email me for chapters, please let me know what format you can handle and the size of the files. I can go as large or small as necessary.

Do not repost or forward this story without the author's knowledge and consent.

Disclaimers: I don't own the Sentinel guys; if I did, I'd let them hug each other on camera. And I'd go for RB's liplock idea as well. I have no wish to infringe of the copyright of Pet Fly Productions, UPN, Paramount, Viacom or anydamnbody else.

My fiction contains consensual sex between two or more men and is not meant to be read by those who object to explicit homoerotic sexual material. Or minors. The law says anyone under the age of consent can't read this. If you don't like the law, change it. Remember: one person can make a difference.

WARNING: This story contains many elements of *bdsm*, including but not limited to incest, spanking, whipping, nudity, enemas, butt plugs, general discussion of *bdsm*, including fisting. If you are uncomfortable with the subject, don't read the story.

EXTRA WARNING: Jeremiah and Nehemian are brothers, twins actually, who are also lovers and only sixteen. If the concept of incest and/or sexual situations with persons under the age of eighteen offends you, don't read the story.

{text} = Jim's thoughts.

All You Need Is a Cape, Ellison 15
by Alexis Rogers
4 January 1998

Jim stood under the spray of hot water in the bathroom that he shared with Blair at the retreat, a place that was terribly empty without Blair in it. They had not been allowed to see each other, or speak to anyone, since Blair's discipline after breakfast this Wednesday morning. It had been a long day and now could be an even longer evening. Jim's body ached from the gardening, his ass was tender from the butt plug he had worn all day, and his nipples were so sore from the clothes pins that every touch reminded him of last night, and the power and control he had given to his lover.

His mind whirled, much like it always did when he was overwhelmed; the last time had been in the Peruvian jungle where his search for Simon had led him down the path to define his sentinel abilities. Thinking about his animal spirit, Jim wondered where the beast was. Never far, that was for sure; a constant reminder to Jim of his acceptance of his calling in this lifetime. It seemed as if so many things were happening all at once, but he could only handle them one at a time. To begin with, he and Blair were scheduled for counseling this evening and the first thing to be discussed was Blair's punishment -- and Jim's disgraceful behavior.

The water pounded his body as Jim made himself review the events of the morning.

Breakfast had been the regular routine until the table had been cleared, then Lloyd ushered everyone present into the large living room. A barrel shaped object that Lloyd called a spanking horse had been placed in the center of the room when the other furniture had been moved out of the way. Blair was ordered to remove his clothes and fold them. When Jim stepped forward to help, Michael had placed a restraining hand on Jim's arm. "Blair must do this alone."

Jim stepped back and remained silent.

After Blair was positioned on the spanking horse, Lloyd asked: "Do I need to restrain you?"

"No, Master Lloyd," Blair responded clearly. "I understand my disobedience and the penalty."

"And what is that penalty?"

"Seven licks from your paddle, Master Lloyd."

"Do you know the penalty for moving to avoid my paddle?"

"Yes, Master. A repeat of the swing plus one more. I won't move," Blair vowed.

"You also disobeyed Master Michael where your lover was concerned?"

"Yes, Master Lloyd. I demanded that my lover fuck me in direct violation of Master Michael's medical orders and I take full responsibility for the actions."

"Master Michael has added two licks for each transgression."

"Yes, Master Lloyd. That's eleven." Blair's voice remained clear and calm.

"No," Jim yelled as he stepped towards Blair, but was grabbed by Michael.

"James," Lloyd warned, "you will not interfere. I'll add one more lick as a result of your action. You will step back and not move until this is over. If you disobey me, I'll punish Blair."

"What about safe words and his choices?" Jim muttered.

"James," Lloyd ran his hand over the paddle in his hand, "This is not a scene; it's a discipline session, a growth experience of a different nature. Blair broke the rules knowing full well the penalties for such behavior. Next time, he'll be more careful of the rules he breaks."

Blinding rage flashed through Jim, making his muscles twitch. Michael tightened his grip on Jim's arms.

"He stands alone, Michael, without help or support," Lloyd ordered and Michael dropped his hands. "This is discipline for them both. James, keep your eyes on Blair, do not move or say a word."

"Yes, Master Lloyd," Jim managed, while clenching his fists.

Lloyd sprayed Blair's bare ass with water, then hit him the first time; the sound reverberated through the unusually quiet room.

Blair took four more strokes before he whimpered, "That's five, Master Lloyd."

By seven the response was a moan.

Jim dropped to his knees. "Please, let me take the rest."

"That makes the count thirteen, James," Lloyd announced, not breaking his rhythm.

Jim could only stare at Blair's red, swollen butt.

By eleven, the sound was a yelp laced with pain. Tears ran silently down Jim's face as he bit his lip to force himself to be quiet, his body rigid with tension.

When the sound of the last swat died in the room, Blair managed, "That's thirteen, Master Lloyd."

Jim could hear Blair's rapid heartbeat and his labored breathing. Consensual ? It was, Jim knew, but there was much he did not understand.

Jeremiah and Nehemiah helped Blair to stand. Jim reached out a hand to touch his lover, but was stopped by Lloyd's words: "You may not speak to each other, or anyone else for the rest of the day. I'll let you talk tonight." Lloyd glared at Jim. "Don't even think about disobeying me."

"Yes Master," Jim muttered, hating this place.

"Blair," Lloyd continued, "your journal's at the desk in the library. I expect you to think carefully and complete your writing assignment. You're required to review your actions and what you should do next time. I'll take your clothes back to your room and bring your crutches downstairs."

"Yes, Master Lloyd." Blair gave Jim a brave smile, then headed down the staircase that led to the library with Jeremiah and Nehemiah providing necessary support.

By the end of the day Jim had decided to skip dinner, choosing instead to shower before the counseling session. He did not believe he could sit at the table with Blair and not be able to say anything. Turning off the water, Jim grabbed a towel. After drying, he slapped shaving cream on his face, and remembered his own day. Anger had ruled him. He had crawled on the ground, minus his clothes as well, in the vegetable garden jerking out the weeds and hurling them as hard as he could.

About ten Lloyd had arrived with water. "Anger is wasted emotion, James. It makes a bigger mess to clean up."

"You didn't have to hit him so hard." Jim slumped on the damp ground.

"I did not give you permission to speak and I suggest you don't do it again. I expect you to work through all your emotions today and bring your insights to our session tonight. Make an honest attempt to view your anger, analyze it, then let it go. To paraphrase one of my favorite sages, 'Anger leads to the dark side'." Lloyd patted Jim's bare shoulder. "My dear James, you skirt much too near the dark side for your own good. Let it go, or it'll consume you."

Jim nodded and smiled at the image of Luke Skywalker with Master Yoda perched on his back.

"I'll bring your lunch later and you can sit under a tree, alone, to eat while you continue to think about what's happened here. If you have learned any of Blair's meditation techniques, today would be a good day to use them."

Jim nodded again and looked at the scattered weeds from the rows he had already done. After several minutes of breathing to center himself, Jim found a packing crate and put the offending weeds inside.

When he had finished shaving, he walked into the bedroom and found Michael sitting on the bed.

"Hold this," Michael said as he tossed Jim a butt plug. "That's the next size up from the one you've been wearing."

Jim rolled the rubber thing around in his hand and waited.

"Very good," Michael praised. "Lloyd'll be pleased that you maintained your silence even though I can see the questions in your eyes."

Forcing himself to breathe slowly, Jim remained standing.

"Did you remove the butt plug you were wearing and wash it?"

Jim nodded.

"Good. I want you to lie down on the bed, on your left side."

Jim flinched when he heard the snap of latex on flesh as Michael slipped on a glove.

"Good, you know the sound." Michael ran his hand over Jim's butt. "Jason responds so well to it that he gets hard when he hears me put the gloves on."

Jim gripped the rubber shaft in his hand.

"I'm going to put my fingers in your ass to make sure that you're only experiencing tenderness and no real pain. You need to relax. This is a doctor's exam and not an attempt at anal stimulation."

Jim nodded and wished he was any place else as a slick finger entered him.

"If this burns or hurts, nod your head."

It was uncomfortable but not painful, so Jim remained still.

"Okay. Two fingers. This would go a lot faster if you'd relax."

As the extra finger entered, Jim groaned but again it was discomfort, not the burning pain that had been part of his experience earlier.

Michael's fingers slipped out. "Give me the butt plug."

Jim complied, trying to relax.

"It's all right, Jim," Michael coached. "I remember when Jason and I were doing this. I was so excited; I wanted to experience everything there was with Jason. I wanted his cock in my ass so bad that I begged Lloyd to skip all this foolishness and just let us do it."

The slick tip of the condom covered shaft touched Jim's anus, and he tensed.

"Relax. This is a training exercise for your muscles so you can take your lover. You do want that, don't you? That gorgeous imp controlling and giving you pleasure? I promise you, it'll be worth the effort."

Jim thought about easing his cock into Blair's body and how it felt and how Blair had announced, with cries of joy and passion, his own pleasure. Yes, he wanted that.

"Deep breath, Jim. Blair's cock is bigger and longer than this rubber thing. You can't take him until you can handle this." Michael eased the plug in a little further. "Lloyd came in each night at bedtime to help Jason and me with this. The first night he did the insertion and gave us instructions as we watched, then he allowed us to do each other, promising us that the first time we made love was too special to mess up because we hadn't followed his procedure." The rubber moved further up inside Jim's body. "And it was." Michael massaged Jim's lower back. "We've experienced a lot of love in our life, but the memory of the first time he made love to me is full of joy and pleasure, not pain and discomfort."

"Ohh," Jim cried softly as the butt plug settled into place.

"You don't want this discomfort when you take Blair. Trust us on this and relax around it, let your body accept the intrusion." Michael stood and took off his gloves.

Standing slowly, Jim shifted and wiggled until he was as comfortable as he could get.

"Okay?" Michael asked.

Jim nodded.

"Then let's go to the library."

Jim headed for his closet.

"No clothes. For you or for Blair."

Shrugging, Jim followed Michael out into the hall. Going without clothes was getting easier, but Jim hoped there would be some warning when there were women on the grounds.

In the library, at the opposite end of the building from the dungeon, a fire blazed in the big corner stone fireplace, making the large, cool room comfortable. Candles flickered around the room where Charlie, Lloyd, and Jason sat on the floor. Male voices chanted softly in the background. Blair was on his knees, arms folded prayerfully over his chest, right side to the fire which highlighted his hair, making him angelic in his natural state.

"You may touch him, James," Lloyd said quietly, "but you may not speak."

Jim knelt in front of Blair, looking into his eyes, trying to say everything without the words they had been denied. Slowly Jim ran his fingertips, control turned way up, over Blair's butt and found welts and light bruising; surface wounds that would hurt like hell for a couple of days but presented no serious injury.

Blair smiled as he slowly worked his hand around Jim's hips and pushed teasingly at the new butt plug. Jim took a deep breath and relaxed, earning a wider smile from Blair, then leaned forward for a light, reassuring kiss.

Examine his emotions, Lloyd had instructed. Well, right now, the only emotion in his mind and heart was his love for Blair and he wanted to show that with his kiss. When they were allowed to speak, there were many things that needed to be said.

"Enough," Lloyd ordered. "James, I want you to hold him in front of you as you sit facing me. You may use the pillow Blair is kneeling on."

Jim sat, gently, waiting for his body to except the position, before settling his lover between his out-stretched legs on the softness of the down filled pillow.

"Blair, are you warm enough?" Lloyd asked.

Blair nodded.

"If you get cold before I allow you to speak, hold up the index finger of your left hand."

Blair nodded again.

"James, " Lloyd continued as he sat with Charlie between his legs, "I think silence is more of a discipline for Blair than for you. Actually, I think talking about what we need to discuss tonight is going to be much harder on you than silence. So, you'll talk and Blair will listen."

Blair's hair brushed across Jim's bare chest as the younger man shook his head.

Jim tightened his arms around Blair and stilled him with a kiss to the top of his head.

"James, you may ask a question," Lloyd began.

"Why are you dressed and we aren't?" Jim heard the words come out of his mouth but could not understand of all the questions in his mind why that was the one he had asked.

"Because you're proselytes, learning new things about yourself and each other. Besides learning to be comfortable with your body, being naked reminds you that you're humble and submissive, which helps with the next steps in your training."

Jim looked from Lloyd to Michael and Jason, who were also wrapped up in each other, quietly watching Jim and Blair. Michael stroked Jason's shoulder. "Our first weekend in serious training was spent on a sailboat and we had to make sure we didn't get sunburned in the wrong place. We weren't allowed to wear clothes for the four days we were on the boat."

Jason smiled. "I'm still very happy in my collar and nothing else. It prolongs the feeling I get in what we call subspace, when I give all my control to Michael."

Jim traced his finger around his neck where the leather strip had rested last night.

"We have three things to discuss tonight, James," Lloyd said. "Your scene with Blair last night, Blair's punishment this morning, and Blair's desire to be fisted. Where would you like to start?"

"May I speak freely?" Jim asked, his hand covering Blair's.

"You may," Lloyd allowed.

"I need to talk about Blair's punishment and, and, well..."

"Apologize to him for adding to it?" Charlie supplied.

Jim looked at the floor as he nodded his head. "I'm his Blessed Protector and I added to his pain rather than protecting him from it. Baby, I am so sorry." Jim buried his face in Blair's curls.

"It's okay," Blair managed to whisper.

Lloyd gestured with his arm to include the whole room. "Each of us must be accountable for his own actions. Blair wantonly broke the house rules that everyone must follow. Charlie and I have even been subjected to punishment when we broke our rules. It reminds us of who we are, how protective we have to be about each other and outlines the concept that if we're going to break rules, we should chose them carefully and be willing to pay the price. Blair understands that. He was warned and he was disciplined."

"But..."

"As you'll be, if you break another rule," Lloyd interrupted. "Generally, if you both break a rule, like fucking Blair against Doctor's orders, I punish both of you -- but Blair confessed that he forced you. If it happens again, you'll both be punished. Do I make myself clear?"

Jim nodded as he caressed the bare skin on Blair's arm.

"Blair," Lloyd called.

Blair looked up.

"If you disobey another of Michael's orders and involve Jim, I'll double his punishment. Do you understand?"

Blair nodded slowly, his hair soft against Jim's chest.

"It's difficult, isn't it, Jim?" Charlie asked softly. "Watching him being spanked?"

Jim nodded again, not trusting his voice, slipping his hands down to rest on Blair's hips.

"We've all been there," Lloyd added. "The first time I watched Charlie being punished I was restrained, both wrists and ankles, in a doorframe structure. It was one of the hardest things I've ever been forced to do. We needed the punishment because we'd broken the most sacred rule between lovers: we'd stopped communicating with each other. But I'm a fast learner and I've never broken that rule again."

Charlie smiled up at Lloyd, who bent down for a quick kiss.

"I expect, James, for your butt to meet my paddle on the communications issue. Head my warning; learn to talk to Blair."

Jim tightened his hold on Blair. "I promise."

Jason shifted in Michael's arms. "The first time I had to watch Michael being punished, it was for something I'd done, and it hurt him so badly. I'd have done anything to stop it and Michael took extra punishment, just like Blair did, because I tried to interfere."

"We'd run away from home." Michael smiled. "It was so long ago. We were both in high school and newly in love."

Jason picked up the story: "We'd been in counseling with Charlie and learning about what we'd have to face. Charlie had practiced with me on how to tell my parents about my being gay and my love for Michael and what to expect. Well, my dad went ballistic and was gonna call the cops and have Charlie and Lloyd arrested and I couldn't let him do that, so Michael and I took my dad's car and headed south -- I thought we'd go to Mexico or something."

"We hadn't planned anything, we just ran," Michael supplied.

"We ended up in Santa Barbara," Jason continued, "with our mentors, Lee and Harry, and everyone pulled together to help us solve the problems, but we were still punished and the spanking pushed some repressed memories out in the open for Michael." The room was quiet except for the crackle of the fire and the soft chanting.

"I grew up in Berkeley," Jason closed his eyes, "not too far from the main house where Michael lived with Lloyd and Charlie. I had a normal home with parents and a sister and stuff. I had no idea that kids like Michael had to live on the street because they couldn't live at home. I never knew any of that stuff about Michael either until we ran away and his memory came back."

"I'll do it," Michael said as he dropped a kiss in Jason's long, dark hair. "It's easier for me. I was twelve when Lloyd and Charlie rescued me. I was starving and had been severely beaten. I probably wouldn't have survived another night if one of the guys who knew Charlie and Lloyd hadn't found me. I told them my parents were dead and the court granted guardianship to Charlie and Lloyd. I was treated like everyone else. Lloyd pushed me hard, made me do my best in school, made me do chores, but no one beat me -- for any reason. When I fell in love with Jason, Lloyd was with me every step of the way; telling me what I was feeling and why. He also promised that if Jason didn't feel the same way, that my family would get me through that too. Everything was fine until we ran away and I was punished and it let out all the bad memories I had buried deep in my soul."

"Michael," Jason whispered.

"I can do it. It's easier now than before." Michael returned his attention to Jim and Blair. "The spanking hurt, really hurt, like Blair's did this morning. And then I remembered the other times I had been beaten, on the street, by my father -- and then I remembered the night my father threw my little brother against the wall, and..." Michael looked at the floor, "...and killed him."

Jim's muscles tensed and he started to stand.

"Easy, Mr. Detective," Lloyd ordered. "It was a long time ago and it's already been taken care of."

Jim took a deep breath and wrapped his arms around Blair, images of his lover injured flooding into his mind.

"The healing took a long time and was further complicated by Jason's awakening submissive needs."

"It took our family to handle all of it," Jason said. "And it seemed to take forever."

"We were already lovers," Michael explained, "already committed to each other but we'd been trained by experienced lovers and knew it was okay for us to have other sex partners as long as we each knew what the other was doing or was there. Lloyd and Lee handled Jason's needs until I got through all the emotional shit in my life and could learn how to do it myself. The first time I watched Jason being lashed in a scene, I ran out of the room and threw up, but Lloyd marched me back in and made me watch the rest so that I could not only see that Jason got off on the intense and altered sensations but that I was the one who took him over the edge when the scene was finished. They put me in the bed, then handed me a very subdued Jason with instructions to love him gently, then we were left alone."

"I wanted him to suck me and I risked asking him," Jason picked up the story. "It was the first time I called him Master and something very magical happened that night. He took my cock in his mouth, and so, so gently sucked until I came, screaming, then I sort of passed out in his arms. It was the most incredible sex I'd ever had."

"Before Lloyd made me understand how much it turned Jason on, I was afraid. But once I had seen it, I knew I had to learn how to please him. What I learned about myself was that I liked it, I really like being in control. Even now, when I face the death of my patients day in and day out, I find balance in the playroom, where I have complete control. Some nights I get off while I'm doing him and other nights I just want to fuck him senseless, but there're times when the top space is so good, I don't need ejaculation."

There was a glow around the two men that Jim thought was more than light from the fire and candles. Their love was luminescent.

"Jim." Michael twisted Jason's hair around his fingers. "I know you don't fully understand the sexual magic that is so much more than stick it in, pull it out, wham bam, thank you ma'am kind of sex, but you can learn. The rewards will make you a new man."

Blair pushed back and wiggled his butt against Jim's groin.

"You little imp," Jim growled.

Blair stilled when Lloyd glared at him.

"Our road was a little rockier," Charlie explained. "Lloyd and I met in a bar. Well, a leather bar, but neither of us had really done any serious scenes. When Lloyd figured out what I needed, he found an established master to train him so that we could expand our horizons. I was a young Ph.D., a teacher, and I was afraid to come out, so Lloyd protected me."

"Our first party was a hoot," Lloyd remembered. "We didn't understand the privacy and its protection that's a part of the SM community, so I let Charlie wear a mask -- not a full face mask but enough to hide his identity. I wanted us to see others at play, to know we weren't weird. I eventually let him sub to other men. Then he wanted to watch me do someone else and that really turned him on. All of the things we did then built the foundation on which we raise our children today -- and most of them turn out pretty good." Lloyd beamed at Michael and Jason.

"Michael and I were new lovers when Charlie first brought Father Patrick into the house," Jason said, "and we were part of the foundation of adding various rituals to our scenes and lovemaking in general. That made a big impression on me and defined the role from just a physical action to something with a spiritual aspect to it. We go to Father Patrick's church, but I'm not a true Catholic. Learning from Charlie, I found I needed to add more from various cultures, especially in our scenes. The kind of play I do with Michael isn't just sex play, it's Shamanism. I use the term SM to mean sexual magic because it's transformational, empowering, it's stuff that gives me access to a lot more than ordinary perceptions. He really makes me fly. I've explored my fears and pushed my limits as a human being because I've been surrounded by people who understand my needs, don't make fun of them, and respect me. I trust them. With Charlie's interests, I've been able to explore the realms of other cultures and learn what is recorded as possible and I've been able to access that magic with the help of my lover and the others in this house. All of which has made me a well-balanced person."

"How?" Jim asked.

"I know myself, which is probably one of the most difficult lessons to learn. I'm very comfortable with myself, which makes me comfortable with others -- that's important for me since one of my functions is fundraising. Because I'm secure within myself, my sexuality and my place in the universe, I can handle all kinds of people. Women were the toughest of the learning process because I'm a gay man and I had no clue how to handle the subtleties of women in a business environment or anyplace else. I was completely at a loss in a social environment." Jason held up his left hand, the gold band shiny in the flickering light. "My wedding ring helped in some instances, but I still had to handle passes from women who didn't respect my marital status. Michael and I did some mixed gender parties in San Francisco and Michael ordered me to sub to several different women. It was an interesting education as I both watched and participated."

"I learned a few things myself," Michael added with a grin.

"Because I was willing to sub, I gained the friendship of some of the women, who were willing to talk to me and help me understand both straight women and lesbians. I learned more in the playroom in a few weeks than I could ever have learned fumbling around in normal life or," Jason snickered, "on the damn golf course."

"He brought the women into the hospice when we were beginning, then worked with the women's center to build one that was female-oriented so that we could keep ours male-oriented," Michael supplied with pride. "The women eat out of his hand."

"Yeah, I know how that goes," Jim smiled at Blair. "They follow him around, too."

"Does that bother you?" Charlie asked.

Blair squirmed in Jim's arms but a glare from Lloyd stilled him.

"Yes, it does," Jim confessed. "He has actually pushed me towards women and I get angry when he flirts with them."

"And how angry are you over your experiences here?" Charlie probed.

"Don't hide your anger, James," Lloyd cautioned. "I saw the physical manifestation this morning. We need to pull it out and look at it."

Blair raised his left hand.

"Are you cold?" Lloyd inquired.

Blair shook his head.

"You want to speak?" Lloyd asked.

Blair nodded.

"You may speak when I say so and not before. Don't test me on this, young man."

Blair slumped back against Jim, his body trembling slightly.

"Why can't he talk about this?" Jim was curious and confused.

"Because I want him thinking without talking, something he doesn't do very often. His natural course of action is to speak, to think out loud, and I want him thinking differently, just like I'm doing with you. Making Blair be silent and forcing you to talk are setting up a situation for you to reverse roles to a certain extent. My guess is that it's as difficult for you to talk about some of these things as it is for your lover to be silent."

"Maybe," Jim conceded as he clung to Blair. "Between the disharmony of my childhood home after my mother died and the structure of the military, I found keeping quiet was my best defense."

"A usual reaction to a military background," Charlie agreed. "I've worked with a lot of Vietnam vets and I see this with many of them. Some unlearn the behavior easier than others."

Hearing a quiet purr, Jim located his panther stretched out in front of the fire. "I seem to be motivated to work at this." Jim cuddled his lover and whispered, "Are you okay?"

Blair smiled and nodded.

"James," Lloyd asked, "did you ever clean the latrine with a toothbrush?"

His mind flashed a picture in his mind and Jim flinched. He nodded to answer Lloyd's question. "Just once."

"What did you feel while you were alone with your submissive task?"

"Submissive?" Jim shook his head. "It was petty discipline for pissing off my commanding officer."

"Tell me what you felt," Lloyd ordered.

"I thought it was stupid and I was pissed."

"Like you were this morning, in the garden?"

"Yes." Jim paused. "No. I was angry this morning because you'd hurt Blair."

"Did you find a calmness from either task?"

"Not really," Jim admitted, "but I did work through my anger."

"And how do you feel now?" Lloyd pushed.

"Vulnerable. He's my Achilles' heel and anyone who wants to get at me can use him."

"Your choice is life without Blair," Charlie pointed out. "Is that what you want?"

Jim's chin rested on the top of Blair's head and the hair tickled as he shook a negative. "No. Blair not in my life would be like the seventh level of Hell."

Blair twisted around, lifting his face, a question in his eyes.

"What?" Jim asked. "You didn't think I was capable of that depth of emotion?"

Blair turned completely, wrapped his arms around Jim, pushed him back on the floor, and devoured his mouth.

The possession was complete.

Just before Jim was frantic for air, Lloyd spoke slowly and loudly. "Blair, I did not give you permission to kiss James."

Blair slowly lifted himself from his lover, turned on his knees to face Lloyd, and bowed his head.

"James," Lloyd continued, "please resume your position embracing Blair."

"Yes, Master Lloyd," Jim whispered, stating the words he knew were on Blair's lips, and feeling somewhat at ease with what the words meant.

When Jim had reseated himself, Lloyd asked, "Can you live with the vulnerability?"

"I have to because any other option is unthinkable," Jim confirmed.

"How long have you known that?" Jason asked.

Jim was silent as the recorded monks chanted in the background giving the monastery an even stronger ambiance. "Maybe forever and maybe not until this moment."

"I hope it stays that way always," Jason offered, awe in his voice, "because it means you love him more now than you did this morning."

Blair looked up at Jim, his eyes bright with emotion.

"Master Lloyd," a voice called softly from beyond the lighted area.

"Yes, Thomas," Lloyd answered.

"I have your drinks."

"Please bring them in."

Jim stared at the glass Thomas placed in his hand. "Standard fare?"

"Many of my children don't eat properly while they're here, exploring their feelings and their options, so I make sure you have the protein and vitamins you need." Lloyd took a glass for himself and another for Charlie. "This is made from the peaches you picked yesterday, mixed with yogurt and kelp powder. It will substitute for the dinner that you both missed."

The taste exploded on his tongue.

"Amazing what tree-ripened fruit tastes like, isn't it," Lloyd teased.

"Yes Master," Jim conceded as he enjoyed the drink.

Thomas chuckled as he left the room.

"I want to return to the subject of your state of mind while working in the garden today, " Lloyd directed. "Besides vulnerable, which was enhanced by your nakedness, what else did you feel?"

"Anger," Jim conceded. "I'm in a place where people are telling me what to do even when I don't want to do it. Then I realized I could leave. I could just dust myself off, get dressed, take Blair, and go."

"So why didn't you?" Michael pushed.

"I spent some time on that one." Jim kissed Blair's head. "I accepted that we're here because the panther wants us here. He's made that abundantly clear." Jim glanced at the sleeping animal in front of the hearth. "The first time I met the cat I was in Peru and my senses had been taken away. I had the option at that moment to walk away from the gift or curse. I was about to do that when I felt a stab of fear that told me that Blair was in trouble, so I accepted the senses and all the responsibility that goes with them. As I pulled weeds in the warm earth this afternoon, I began to understand that I was here because I needed to learn the things you can teach me."

"Do you understand the lesson of Blair's discipline?" Lloyd asked.

"Not completely, but I can accept, for the moment, on faith, that it was necessary and sort it out as I learn more."

"Very good," Lloyd praised. "Now tell us about last night. Most especially what you felt."

Tightening his arms around Blair, Jim met each set of eyes before answering. "He asked for my supplication and I knelt before him; then he asked for my obedience. Other people have taken control of my life: my father, my teachers, my military commanders, my police captains, but Blair asked for it. I offered myself to him and he tied the leather around my neck. It was such a simple gesture and yet it was a moment of trust and respect much like saluting an officer I respected rather than the same arm movement because a rule said I had too."

"You gave him your control, your power, your heart," Jason affirmed. "And you trusted him not to abuse it."

"James," Lloyd commanded quietly, "close your eyes, bow your head, and listen to the monks. Setting aside your feelings for the church, can you understand that these men gave control of their lives to a being they considered worthy of the gift? Try for a moment to be one with the monks who stood in this room, in the place before the fire, and offered their personal power, control, and heart to God."

The Latin words of the chants made no sense but the sounds were soothing and he envisioned the men at Saint Sebastian's. He did not understand, but could respect the men and their beliefs. The sounds and smells of this room presented a calming effect and Jim allowed it to permeate him.

"James?"

Without opening his eyes, Jim asked, "How can I compare my sexual feelings to a group of men who were/are celibate?"

"I'm not interested in the sexual aspect, but the mindset. I want you to feel the peace of the submissive mind," Lloyd instructed.

"Jim," Jason continued. "You were collared, bound, and blindfolded last night, forcing you to hand control to your lover. We want to know what you felt."

"Fear," Jim admitted, his eyes still closed.

"And?" Jason encouraged.

"Panic. I wasn't sure how to act or what was expected of me. The pain was a big surprise." Jim took a deep breath. "It hurt. I could only focus on the pain, and Blair's voice."

"For some," Michael explained, "the pain is the key to lowering the barriers in the mind. The monks who lived here used self-flagellation to create the pain. Centuries before there were monks, the priests and priestesses of various gods and goddesses used pain and pleasure to create altered states of mind conducive to submission, hallucination, and out of body experiences. We want you to find peace, calm, and balance in your life. What we use here will help you find the path that works best for you."

The monks chanted, the fire crackled, and the panther snored as Jim tried to process the information.

"Focus on the pain/pleasure cycle from last night and tell me what you felt," Lloyd ordered.

"Senses," Blair whispered, sentinel soft. "Go through your senses one at a time."

Jim nodded, his eyes still closed. "I could smell incense -- from the church -- and something else, pleasant but unfamiliar."

"Russian amber," Jason supplied. "A masculine aroma whose function is to exemplify the male aspects of your relationship."

"Besides the incense," Jim continued, picturing the room in his mind, "the leather around my neck and over my eyes was a very intoxicating smell. But the most important smell of all was Blair, controlled, sure, in charge."

When Jim remained silent, Jason prodded: "And?"

"I could hear his heartbeat; it was calm. I was anxious but Blair was steady as a rock."

"You hadn't considered that, had you?" Lloyd asked.

Jim shook his head. "As I knelt over his legs, I could tell he was perfectly calm. It didn't register then, only served to keep me focused. His voice, too, was controlled, like when he guides me as I use my senses. I can trust and follow that voice."

"What did he tell you?" Jason asked.

"To concentrate on the stimulation and allow my mind to process the information. He teased my nipples before attaching the clothes pins, then altered the feeling several times. I could only focus on the intensity of the pain, but my body was affected because I got hard." Jim took several slow breaths, remembering. "Then he rubbed the menthol cream on my cock and...." Jim's voice trailed off.

"You may not stop, James," Lloyd's voice ordered sternly.

"I can't seem to find the words, Master Lloyd." Jim tried to organized his thoughts. "There was pain on my nipples and cold water poured on them, then fire over my cock until I couldn't think. There were no more words from Blair, only the touch of his hands on my body. Even the music that played was blocked out as my mind rolled from one sensation to the next: pain, cold, fire. At some point he clamped my balls and I nearly shot off the bed, but that, too, blended with everything and became one feeling. When I wanted to scream, I remembered Blair's words, his instructions, and I found that pleasing him was an easy guide to follow. I wanted to please him even though I didn't quite understand why." Jim ran his fingertips down Blair's bare shoulders.

"Tell me about pleasing Blair," Jason encouraged.

"It was very important," Jim remembered, "especially when he squeezed my cock in his fist and stroked me. After he took me to climax, he removed the clothes pins and the pain was exquisite as it blended with the afterglow."

"Did you find the center of peace?" Jason asked.

"Yeah, maybe when I realized the most important thing in my life was pleasing Blair."

"And did he please you, Blair?" Lloyd asked quietly.

"Yes, Master Lloyd," Blair responded, his voice thick with emotion.

Ice tinkled against crystal as Michael reached behind him and poured a glass of water, which he handed to Blair.

After drinking, Blair asked, "Does this mean I can talk?"

Jim took the glass and finished the water before setting it on the floor next to the ones still holding the yogurt and fruit drink.

"You may answer my direct questions only," Lloyd told Blair.

"Yes, Master Lloyd," Blair leaned back into Jim's arms.

"How did he please you, my pet?" Lloyd asked.

"He followed all my orders, he handled the introduction of pain with the stoicism that I expected, he complied with my wishes -- and it was incredibly erotic to watch him kneel to me and offer his neck for my collar." Blair grinned up at Jim.

"You allowed him to climax?" Lloyd asked.

"Yes, Master Lloyd, and he looked so peaceful then that I only ordered his silence and allowed him to sleep. I cleaned him and the room myself even though I had planned to make him do it."

"You should have," Jason added, with a look at Lloyd. "It extends the subspace."

"I know," Blair explained, "but I was happy with his response and didn't think it was necessary for him to do anything else."

"I'd have enjoyed licking you clean," Jim whispered.

"I know," Blair responded, looking at Lloyd for permission, "and you will."

"James," Lloyd asked, "do you understand the term subspace?"

"I'm not sure."

"If I follow Blair correctly, the closest you've been to it is when he's guiding you, either in the use of your senses or the light trance he uses when he's working with your memory. Can you tell me how you feel at those times?"

Jim gave Blair a quick hug. "As if all's right in the world. I'm cocooned by his voice, and sometimes his touch, and the only thing I know is to follow his commands."

"Is it a peaceful place?"

Jim nodded.

Blair squirmed.

"What?" Lloyd asked.

Blair moved a single finger in the air in front of his chest.

"A question?"

Blair nodded.

"Relevant to the conversation?"

The hair tickled as it moved over Jim's chest again and he wished he could see Blair's expressive face.

"You may ask," Lloyd granted.

"Last night," Blair snuggled back into Jim, but kept his eyes on Lloyd. "Jim didn't want to take his collar off. I want to know why."

"James?"

Running his finger around his neck, Jim tried to find the words to explain the feeling. "I'd never felt so alive, so close to Blair, so complete within myself, so distanced from the rest of the world. I didn't want it to end."

"Would you like to do it again?" Lloyd asked.

Jim thought about those times when he had given all his control over to Blair, trusted him with everything, then he compared it to last night, when he had acknowledged the giving of control to his lover. "That's where this is going, isn't it?"

"Yes," Jason responded. "Some of us get there by pain, or by altering intense stimulation, or bondage, or whatever works. And when we have figured out how to get there, we want to learn how to stay."

"But I couldn't function is that state," Jim protested.

"It's not the state in which you live; it's the state where you go to recharge yourself, to find your focus and your balance."

"Everything we do here," Lloyd added, "helps you learn about yourself, understand yourself."

"May I ask, then, how Blair's being fisted will help him learn?"

"Are you ready to move on and discuss this?" Lloyd looked from Jim to Blair.

"Yes, Master Lloyd," Blair mumbled.

Jim nodded. "There seems no way not to discuss it, so I guess I'm ready to talk."

"Jim," Michael instructed, "place your hand over Blair's cock and play with him until he's hard. Both of you close your eyes and think only about each other."

Closing his eyes made it easier for Jim to fondle his lover. Even in the darkened room, they could all see what he was doing; could watch this intimacy. "Are you okay with this?" Jim whispered into Blair's ear.

"Trust them," Blair replied. "I do."

Blair's cock was warm in Jim's hand and hardened quickly, the action triggering the same response in Jim.

"Young love is so beautiful to watch," Jason observed. "In spite of all the emotions here, they still get hard for each other with little effort."

Michael traced his fingers over Jason's jeans. "Wanna see how fast I can get you hard?"

Jim chuckled. "I want to see if the snapping latex really works."

Jason looked at the floor. "Every time, because it means his fingers will be inside me."

"That's what I want you to think about, Jim." Michael said. "Blair's fingers in your ass; his cock in your ass. Tell me how big he is."

"Eight beautiful inches." Jim licked his thumb and ran it over the head of Blair's cock, glad he was cut.

"How thick?"

"Almost three inches."

"You had your new butt plug in your hands a little while ago. How big is it?"

Jim tightened the muscles around the rubber in his ass and wondered where this conversation was going. "It's maybe five inches long and an inch and a half around."

"What would you feel right now if Blair flipped you over on your back, pulled the butt plug out and shoved his cock home?"

"Michael," Blair gasped.

"You'll speak when you're spoken to, young man," Lloyd growled.

Blair slumped back against Jim but did not speak again.

"James, Michael asked you a question," Lloyd reminded.

"I think it'd hurt."

"But you do want to be able to take his cock, don't you?" Michael demanded.

"Yes, I do," Jim said with conviction as his hands stroked Blair's cock. "I want it very much, enough to follow the rules to get me there."

Michael lifted his fist in front of him. "Look at my arm, Jim. How long is it from my elbow to the end of my knuckles?"

Blair's fingers gripped the soft flesh of Jim's legs. "Careful," Blair whispered again, sentinel-soft.

Swallowing hard, Jim knew the fist and arm were going to find their way up Blair's ass and the emotions were going to be difficult to handle. "Fifteen inches, maybe a little more."

"And the circumference -- at the widest point?"

"Twelve to fifteen inches, give or take..."

"And you know where I'm going to put it?"

Jim kissed Blair's shoulder. "Yes," he breathed, "but I don't know why."

"Finish your fruit and yogurt, both of you," Lloyd ordered. "Now."

Jim could barely breathe and he had no idea how he was going to swallow.

"Stand up, walk around, together, touching -- but no talking," Lloyd stood and offered his hand to Charlie.

Jason offered his hand to Blair, using his arms to allow Blair to rise and stand leaning against Jason, then ran his hand over Blair's butt. "Drink, or he'll use the paddle again."

Blair blushed and drained his glass before handing it to Jason.

"Good boy. Jim, I suggest you do the same."

"Can't," Jim managed.

"Not an option, my friend. Lloyd and Michael get very upset if the nutritional rules are broken. You don't want both of them on your case at the same time."

Blair turned and lifted Jim's glass to his mouth, encouraging Jim to drink. The peachy mixture tasted good, but Jim did not want anything in his stomach at the moment.

"Drink," Blair suggested.

Jason took the glass when it was finally empty, patting Jim's ass. "Don't break the silence rule either or you'll have to watch your lover take more punishment."

Wrapping his arms around Blair, supporting the injured leg, Jim moved them to stand near the fireplace where the warmth reached out to embrace them. I love you, he thought as hard as he could, hoping it would communicate itself to Blair.

Blair embraced Jim, rubbing small comforting circles in the center of his back.

Being denied the use of words made them flood into Jim's mind. It was funny, he thought, how many things he wanted to say at this moment. The question at the foremost of his mind was, of course, why Blair wanted to be fisted, but Jim would have to be patient until it was time to talk it all out. Blair's cock was still hard as it pressed into Jim's thigh so Jim decided to let his own body answer.

Lifting Blair's chin, Jim gazed into his lover's eyes, again hoping the open emotion would communicate itself. Slowly, Jim lowered his head, closing his eyes and capturing Blair's open mouth.

"Mmmm," Blair pushed against Jim, then pulled away. "Easy, big guy, we can't finish this for a while." The words were whispered against Jim's chest and he knew he was the only one in the room who could hear them. He smiled; his lover was definitely a rule breaker.

Taking his guide's advice, Jim made his touches soothing and sensual without pressure on either's genitals. With his eyes closed, Jim enjoyed the presence of his lover in his arms and thought about nothing else.

"I didn't think you could do that," Lloyd commented, standing at their side.

Jim started to replied, then closed his mouth, earning a smile from Lloyd. "I didn't think you had the restraint to calm yourselves down. I'm glad to see you're learning how to handle each other so well."

Jim kissed Blair's ear, knowing which one of them had the control. It felt good knowing he could trust this man.

"Let's get seated again and continue the discussion." Lloyd waited until Jim released Blair from the embrace and took his hand before walking to where Charlie waited.

"Before you sit him down, Jim", Michael said, "I want him standing in front of me. Jason, hold Blair so I can demonstrate something to Jim." Michael dropped to his knees behind Blair and bent him forward slightly, then placed his elbow at Blair's asshole and rested his arm against Blair's back. "Look carefully, Jim, this is how far inside your lover I'm going to put my hand. I may be able to reach his heart."

Jim blanched, not having visualized the extent of the penetration.

"Blair, feel my fingers," Michael ordered. "Understand, both of you, what Blair has asked me to do."

Jim slid down onto the floor, then accepted Blair from Jason. "No, baby, I can't do this."

"Why?" Lloyd demanded.

Jim looked up, the words suddenly lost to him, so he shook his head.

"That was not a request, James," Lloyd snapped. "Get him settled and answer my question."

The monks chanted and Pushy pressed his head into Jim's back before he looked up and met Lloyd's eyes.

Taking a deep breath, Jim pulled the picture into his mind and examined it carefully. "I was working Vice. We got a call, someone was scared, something had gone wrong. The address was in an area of town known for gay bars, leather bars."

"Turn your senses down," Blair instructed in his guide voice.

Jim nodded and looked again at the memory. "There was a guy chained in a sling that was bolted to the ceiling."

"Like the one in our dungeon?" Jason asked.

"Ah, yeah," Jim replied, trying to combine the pictures is his mind: one clean and safe, the other dirty and bloody. "The smells in the place, blood and shit, make me gag. I thought I was going to vomit right there on the crime scene."

"Jim," Michael said quietly. "Put that picture in the back of your mind for a minute. Just relax and let it go."

"Okay."

"Now, tell me, have you ever delivered a baby?"

"What?" Jim was confused by the drastic change in subject.

"It's a simple question, James," Lloyd continued. "Yes or no, have you ever delivered a baby?"

"Yes. Why?"

"Tell me about it," Michael instructed.

Jim wrapped his arms around Blair's waist, rested his cheek on Blair's curls. "It was a cold, wet, foggy so you can't see your hand in front of your face winter morning. There was a major pile-up on the freeway, fifty cars. Every available cop, paramedic, anyone with any training was put to work. Somewhere in the middle of the accident we found a couple, the man unconscious pinned over the steering wheel, the woman, curled into a fetal position, in hard labor. I took the woman, while the others worked to get the man out of the car. I moved her to the back seat, managed to find a blanket, but there was no stopping her labor; she was going to deliver the child. I'd had the training and had observed the procedure in the hospital, but I'd never done it. I looked around, searching for help, but there was no one available."

"Go on?" Michael guided.

"It was a nightmare. She screamed and I tried to calm her down but I couldn't even tell her if her husband was alive. And then the baby was in my hands, a boy. His tiny, perfect, bloody body shaking and his strong mewing in the midst of that tragedy was the sweetest sound I'd ever heard. I was choking back tears when I handed him to his mother, but I still had to cut the cord and find a way to clean her up."

Michael smiled. "There's nothing like new life to touch even the hardest heart, Detective Ellison. It makes everything right with the world."

"Did they name him James?" Lloyd teased.

"No. Ellison," Jim smiled and tightened his hold on Blair. "They sent me a picture and a birth announcement and I went to his baptism. Diego Miguel Ellison Mejia. It felt good to be a part of a new life."

"Now, I want more from that memory," Michael said, his arms around his lover. "I want you to focus on the smells; describe them in detail for me."

"Take him through it, Blair," Lloyd permitted.

"Listen to my voice, Jim. Push to the back of your mind your emotions, the sights of the accident, everything but your hands as you reach for the baby. Tell me what you see and what you smell."

Following Blair's voice, the picture cleared in his mind. "The mother's body is warm and wet. She pushes with a contraction and my hands get wet. She's peeing on my hands. It rolls over my fingers and down the side of the car seat and out into the wet morning."

"Move on, Jim," Blair guided.

"Another contraction, really hard. Her bowels move. More contractions and there's a gush of bloody water."

"Smell, Jim, tell me what you smell."

"Bodily fluids, all mixed together." Jim focused on the tiny creature in his hands covered with blood and waste from his mother's body.

"Bring him out, Blair," Michael directed.

"Okay, Jim, hold the baby in your hands, then hand it to the mother. When you've done that, come back to me. Don't zone, big guy, come back to me."

Jim shook his head, releasing the memory, relaxed, and kissed the top of Blair's head.

"Now, Jim," Michael said sternly, "tell me what the smell of blood and shit triggers."

"Ohh, life, new life."

"Those are also the smells of death and injury, but foremost they are the smells of new life," Michael clarified. "Remember that."

Jim held Blair's hands as he remembered the tiny infant covered in blood and mucous, squirming and crying and alive and healthy.

"Now, Jim," Michael continued, "I want you to go back to the scene in the dungeon, when the smell over powered you. Describe it to me."

Slowly Jim released the image of the new baby and returned to the one that had been so horrible. It cleared for him. "There are more smells here, alcohol, tobacco, grass, amyl nitrate, speed. The man in the sling is flailing and begging to relished, his upper thighs have been cut and his anus is bleeding."

"Come back to me, Jim."

The memory faded and Jim added more details: "As it turned out, the wounds were superficial but the panic had started because the man doing the scene wasn't sober and wouldn't adhere to the rules."

"That happens sometimes, no matter how hard we work for safe and sane play," Michael commented. "But what I want from you is your perceptions. What made this such an ugly memory for you?"

"I thought the guy had been injured during a fisting scene because that's what it looked like and what I smelled. He was naked and exposed and chained, while the other guy had a calving glove on his right hand that was covered with Crisco and blood. I was gagging and didn't see the true picture. Since it wasn't my collar, I never went back and reviewed the reports."

Blair snickered and mumbled, "Your collar is in my possession, where it's going to stay."

Jim gently cuffed Blair above the ear, then hugged him tightly. "Yes, master," he whispered.

"So," Michael interrupted, "when we've been talking about fisting your lover, that's the image you've had."

"Yeah," Jim admitted.

"Are you better now?" Lloyd asked.

"Marginally," Jim conceded, "but I still have a lot of qualms."

"I'd be concerned if you didn't because fisting can be dangerous," Lloyd cautioned, "even when done carefully, which is why we're going to sit through one of Michael's boring lectures. It's part of our routine for all players new to fisting, regardless of top or bottom."

"My lectures are boring?" Michael quipped. "But you're," he looked at Blair and Jim, "expected to pay attention. There'll be a quiz."

Jason chuckled, "He's not kidding. He learned everything he knows from Lloyd, the guy who made us learn the name of all the nerves in our nipples before he'd pierce them for us."

"Did you get an infection, young man?" Lloyd scolded. "Have you ever had a problem with the piercing?"

"No, Master Lloyd," Jason laughed, "because you'd have punished us if we'd disobeyed a single order and the damn ring hurt enough that we didn't need any more pain for a while."

"And did you have any trouble taking my fist?" Lloyd waved his closed hand in the air.

"No, Master Lloyd."

"Do I make myself clear?" Lloyd glared at Jim and Blair.

"Yes, Master Lloyd," Blair said clearly.

"Yes, Master Lloyd," Jim followed suit, deciding it was the wise thing to do.

"Okay," Lloyd continued, "Blair, I want you to tell Jim why you want to be fisted. Jim, you're remanded to silence. When I want to hear from you, I'll speak directly to you. Is that perfectly clear?"

"Yes, Master Lloyd." Jim prepared to be unhappy with the next phase of the discussions.

Blair took a cleansing breath and pulled Jim's arms around him. "There're several reasons, Master Lloyd, and I think I need to look at Jim while I explain."

"I agree," Lloyd said. "Jim, move him around until he's comfortable. I don't want a problem with that leg."

When they were settled, Blair began, "Jim, you know how much I enjoy anal stimulation, and how much I love your cock up my ass."

Jim nodded, holding onto Blair's hands.

"That's part of the reason I want to be fisted, which is the ultimate anal penetration. I want to embrace the pain and the pleasure. And while it's basically a solo journey inside myself, and at times I won't be aware of you, I want you with me, holding me, guiding me, and to be there when it's over. I'll need you like I've never needed anyone."

Jim was still and silent.

"I need to do this, big guy, I need to do it here with people I can trust, and I need to have you with me. But even if you can't, I still need this."

Jim looked at Lloyd, who nodded, then asked, "Is there more?"

"Yeah," Blair nodded. "I'm asking you to prepare your body so that I can penetrate you with my cock. It's been a long time since my first time but I remember the pain. In being fisted, I'll go through some of the same preparations that you're going through for me and I'll be reminded of the pain I'm asking you to bear so that I can make love to you."

"That isn't necessary," Jim insisted.

"Yes, it is." Blair squeezed Jim's hands. "It's necessary for me, but it isn't the only reason I need this. You need me to top you, to show you the way, to guide you in all things. I can do that, but occasionally I need to bottom, I need to turn over control and find my own balance in life. I want to experience this pain and its pleasure. I want to know that when I need to submit, to let go of everything, I can come here -- with or without you -- and find what I need. I love you, James Ellison, and only you, but there're some needs I have that you can't fulfill yet, and may never be able to fulfill. These men can do that for me. I want you here, with me, supporting me, cuddling me when it's over, but if you can't do that, I'll understand and ask only that you respect my needs as I respect yours. Understand that I'll always come home to you, for you hold my heart."

"How am I supposed to respond to that?" Jim asked around the lump in his throat.

Jason stood behind Jim, hands on his shoulders. "You're to follow your heart. You're to listen, here tonight, and learn. Listen to Michael explain what's going to happen."

"Then on Saturday night," Charlie joined the conversation, "you're going to watch Lloyd fist me."

"At least the actual, physical part," Lloyd explained. "There's much more to it than just the part you think you know. Charlie and I'll spend most of the day together, meditating, preparing ourselves for the event. It's a private time that helps our love grow stronger. Each couple does it differently, and Blair's required to write the ritual for preparing his mind, and your role in it. Then you'll prepare his body, cleaning him, massaging him, whatever he needs, even if you skip the actual fisting."

"Jim," Blair focused his eyes on Jim, "all I ask is that you only do this if you're absolutely sure. I need you, but I need you one hundred percent."

"You don't decide tonight, James," Lloyd assured. "You decide on Tuesday morning."

"We talk tonight, we watch Charlie and Lloyd on Saturday, we study and talk, I start fasting after a light dinner on Monday night and you have until Tuesday morning to decide if you can handle it. I don't want you to decide until then because I don't think you'll have enough information before then."

"And if I can't?"

"Michael and Jason will handle me," Blair explained.

"And I can be there for parts of it, or all of it?" Jim asked, unsure of himself.

"Whatever you can do." Blair squeezed his hands.

"And I can't talk you out of it?"

"Please don't. If you can't support me in this, at least respect my wishes in the matter." Blair was totally in control of his body, Jim saw, like he had been last night. In control and sure of himself.

Lowering his face until his forehead touched Blair's chest, Jim promised, "Anything you want."

"Thank you," Blair accepted.

Jim touched his lips to Blair's, not just a kiss, but an acknowledgment of love.

"Master Lloyd, my leg hurts." Blair wiggled. "May I stretch out and place my head in Jim's lap for the rest of the evening?"

"Are you sure your leg's the only thing that hurts?" Lloyd retorted.

"No, Master Lloyd. My butt hurts, too, but I wouldn't make the request if that was my only problem. I know better. I did too much pacing while I was sorting out my thoughts earlier today."

"You're supposed to sit and think, my pet," Lloyd scolded.

"Yes, Master Lloyd, but I've had my movements hampered since the injury and I needed to walk in order to think."

Jim chuckled as he moved around, adjusting himself around the pressure of the butt plug. "He's never still; not even when he's asleep." Jim placed the pillow on his lap.

"Do you need another pillow?" Jason asked.

"No." Blair stretched out on the floor, placing his head on the pillow. "This's fine."

Jason handed Jim a butt plug much larger than the one he was wearing.

"What?" Jim asked, startled.

"For Blair, for the same purpose as yours."

"But it's huge." Jim rolled the rubber shaft around in his hands.

"So is my fist," Michael announced. "Beginning tonight, you'll each sleep wearing your respective plugs, moving to a larger one each night, but not wearing them during the day. I need his muscles stretched."

"But," Blair started.

"There will be no discussion."

"Yes, Master Michael." Blair took the butt plug from Jim. "Can Jim put it in, later, in our room?"

"Jim?" Michael asked.

Jim nodded, wondering if he could.

"I'll drop in and check on you just to make sure," Michael promised, standing, a riding crop in his hand, which he ran over Blair's red ass. "There's punishment for disobedience, pretty one."

"Yes, Master Michael." Blair watched the riding crop with great interest.

"I'll expect you to be clean whether Jim does it or Lloyd does it."

"Yes, Master Michael." Blair's voice was subdued.

"Jim," Michael asked, as he paced, "are you familiar with male anatomy? Particularly the rectum and lower colon."

"Not well enough to pass a test. It's been a while since college."

"Lloyd'll give you a copy of Gray's Anatomy. I want you both to review the areas where we'll be working, including the nervous system, genitals, and internal organs. I want you to know every place I'm going to touch Blair, directly or indirectly. Lloyd'll question you Saturday night."

"Yes, Master Michael," Blair acknowledged.

"Jim," Michael continued, "Blair wants to take my hand up to the elbow. That's rather industrious for a first time but he feels he can handle it. If you agree to be with him, you'll need to understand the physical ramifications of that action."

"It's going to hurt," Jim stated flatly.

"Yes, it is," Michael agreed, "but there's pleasure to be had as well. If Blair can relax enough, I can give him a kind of pleasure he's never had before. If you agree to be with him, you can share the emotional aspect of a whole body sexual experience. And if it's as successful as I hope it'll be, you'll want to learn to give him the same type of experience. You don't have to bottom here to be a good top. Lloyd's one of the best and he's never taken a fist; neither have I, but I know how our lovers respond and I wouldn't ever deny them the pleasure."

"Is there anything he can have to dull the pain?" Jim asked.

"No. If he needs the pain dulled, he can't handle it. I know there're plenty of fisting scenes where the fistee is under the influence, but not my bottoms. If he can't handle the pain, he's not ready and I don't want him under me. I'm going to stimulate a lot of nerves; there's going to be pain. I'm going to stretch him like he's never been stretched; it's gonna hurt."

"Then he shouldn't do it," Jim stated, following Michael's movements.

"That's not your decision to make," Blair stated quietly as he gripped Jim's chin and stared into his eyes.

Properly chastised, Jim kissed Blair, then asked Michael, "Will you at least tell me what you're going to do?"

"I'm going to start with my fingers," Michael said, "just like you do before you fuck him. I'll start with one, then two until his anal sphincter takes my hand. I'll work up the canal a little bit at a time. I'll give him as much as he can handle as fast as he can handle it. Either of us can stop it at any time. Since I'm the doctor in the house, I have no qualms about stopping a scene I judge needs to stop."

"And Blair?" Jim asked.

"I promise to stop the scene if I can't stand the pain -- for what ever reason," Blair rolled over until he could look into Jim's eyes. "My fascination with pain does not include permanently damaging myself. I have a bullet wound to remind me of how precious life is."

Jim traced the healing injury with his fingertip.

"The most important part for me," Blair continued, "is my mental state. If my mind's ready, my body will be as well. I hope you'll help me with it all. I'll draft the ritual, which includes re-enforcing my love for you, go over it with Lloyd, then present it to you. I'll want your opinions."

"But..."

"Jimmy, this is a very personal experience, and even if you were doing the actual fisting, my mental preparation would be much the same. I know that Michael won't injure me; I have to be prepared to deal with how I'm going to respond to all the stimuli. I want it, but I have to be clear on exactly what it is that I want." Blair yawned.

"It's been a long day," Lloyd announced. "Jim, I think you should bathe Blair and put him to bed."

"May I make love to him?"

"As punishment for disobeying my orders," Michael responded, "you may not fuck him. However, as long as you insert the butt plug, you may bring him to climax in any way you wish, as long as it doesn't aggravate his wound."

"May I put him in the shower?" Jim helped Blair sit up.

"Cover the wound so that it doesn't get wet," Michael instructed.

"And," Lloyd added, "you may do nothing about the welts and bruises on his butt. It's a reminder of his disobedience and I don't want any attempt to erase it."

"Yes, Master Lloyd," Jim replied, wondering what he could do to erase it.

Blair stood and snuggled next to Jim. "Thank you, Master Lloyd, Master Michael."

"Good night, my pet. Sleep well, you have a busy day tomorrow," Lloyd said.

Jim scooped Blair up and cradled him.

"I'll be by in a little while to check on you," Michael promised. "I'll bring your crutches since it looks like Jim's going to carry you."

"Looks like." Blair buried his face in Jim's chest.

"You need to take this." Michael handed Blair the large butt plug.

Shifting Blair's weight, Jim walked them slowly down the hallway.

"Why are you carrying me?"

"Because I want to. I'm a little confused right now about a lot of things, but not about the way I feel about you or your place in my life." Jim paused outside their bedroom. "Oops, I can't open the door."

"So put me down; I can stand." Blair reached up and pressed a kiss to Jim's mouth.

After the door was opened, Blair hobbled to the bed and sat down.

Jim found the wrap for Blair's leg and covered the wound. "Come on, in the shower so I can put you to bed." Jim teased Blair's cock and watched it fill.

"That feels so good, let's skip the shower."

"I need to clean you if I'm going to put that thing inside you. I'd like to open you up in the shower." Jim tried to keep the stress out of his voice.

"It's okay, Jim," Blair soothed as the water rang against the porcelain. "It's no different than the one you're wearing."

"Just bigger." Jim sighed, helping Blair step under the water.

"Jim," Blair turned and looked into Jim's eyes, "don't try to push your feelings off on me. I've wanted to do this for a long time but never found anyone I trusted enough."

"Not even me?"

"Especially not you. There's no way you could fist me now, and maybe not ever. You don't know how. I can handle that, if you can handle that I want this."

Holding Blair tightly, Jim let the water run over them. "I'm trying. I just don't understand."

"I know you don't and there's no way to fix that except to supply you with as much information as we can and hope you can accept that I like anal penetration, whether it's warm water, your incredible cock, or a fist." Blair stroked Jim's cock. "Lloyd said some of the medical experts think those of us who get off on the anal stuff may have more nerve endings in the area than others. But that doesn't matter to me; what does matter is that it feels good. And it feels even better when you're doing the penetrating."

Jim washed Blair's hair then his body before soaping his fingers and reached for Blair's ass.

"Use a glove."

"Why?"

"Because, like Jason, I like the sound."

Jim stepped out of the shower, dripping water on the floor and grabbed a glove from the box under the sink. After drying his right hand, he pulled the latex over his damp fingers. After getting back under the water, he turned Blair to face the wall and spread his arms and legs.

"Snap the glove," Blair requested.

Jim slipped his left thumb under the latex and let it hit his bare flesh with a resounding pop, then he soaped his fingers. Pushing two inside Blair, he worked them around while steadying his lover with his other arm. When he pulled them out, he rinsed his soaping fingers and decided to try something. Cupping Blair's ass with his gloved hand, Jim pressed himself against his lover's body and whispered in his strongest command voice. "You need an enema before I put the butt plug in."

Blair trembled, his breath coming in ragged gulps.

Jim changed positions and inserted three fingers, which he wiggled and stretched before removing and washing. "You definitely need an enema."

"Are you sure, Jim?"

"Yeah, babe, I'm sure." Jim might not understand the turn-on but Blair was definitely aroused.

"Just a rectal douching and make it hot," Blair whispered.

Jim popped Blair's ass. "On the bed," Jim ordered.

"Switching, are we?" Blair rubbed his wet ass cheek.

"I think that's what you need tonight." Jim turned off the water and helped Blair out of the tub, dried his hair and his body, then removed the bandage. "If I understand anything Jason was talking about, you've spent the day in his subspace."

"Even the most dominate dominate needs a little subspace now and then," Blair explained, as he limped to the bed, "at least, I do."

Jim spread a towel on the bed and rearranged the pillows so Blair could curl around one. "Assume the position," he ordered as he turned on the hot water.

"Make it really hot," Blair reminded.

"No kibitzing."

"It's called topping from the bottom."

"I don't care what it's called. I can order your silence."

Blair nodded and rolled onto his left side. "Yes, master," he whispered.

Jim smiled as he filled the small bottle with water. Blair wasn't dirty and did not need this but Jim thought he understood that Blair wanted it. Making Blair happy was most important.

Blair's butt was bright red after his shower and Jim found it strangely erotic. As he touched his compliant lover, Blair rolled a little further exposing his ass to Jim's gaze.

"Watch me, watch my cock," Blair breathed into the pillow.

Jim slipped the nozzle into the puckered hole that was still stretched from his soapy fingers. Blair's body pulled the plastic tip inside him.

"Force the water," Blair instructed.

Jim rested his left hand on Blair's hip while using his right to gently squeeze the water inside.

"Oh, yes." Blair's cock hardened and throbbed. He wiggled and begged, "More."

Jim watched, trying to understand why Blair responded this way. It had taken all of Jim's resolve to lay on the table in the playroom and let the water flow into him.

"Oh, damn," Blair mumbled.

"What?"

"I wasn't prepared for this." Blair's arousal was obvious. "Use the small plug, please, the one you were wearing earlier today. Take the bottle out and put the plug in, please." Blair's cock looked like it was going to explode. "Hurry."

Dropping the empty bottle in the sink, he grabbed the other butt plug, a condom and the lube. "What?"

"Plug me with the water in, please, Jimmy." Blair pressed into the pillow he was holding.

When the rubber shaft was in place, Blair rolled back slightly. "Suck me," he pleaded, gasping for air, "please."

Jim raced to the other side of the bed, climbed next his lover and took the hard cock down his throat. Blair lasted about thirty seconds. Jim stroked Blair's back and thighs until the man calmed down. "Wanna tell me what that was all about?"

"Could you help me to the john first?"

"Lean over the sink so I can take the plug out."

Blair stared at the clean condom as he sank down onto the toilet and the water rushed out. "I wasn't dirty."

"No." Jim dropped the condom in the trash and washed the rubber shaft.

"Why?"

"Considering how hot it made you, I'd say you needed it." Jim prepared a warm cloth to finish cleaning his lover. "And considering the size of that thing you have to sleep with inside you tonight, I'd say the more relaxed you are, the better."

Allowing Jim to help him stand, Blair blushed. "I never, ah, with anyone, like that..."

"You mean, the instant turn-on enema?"

"It was private, I mean I only ever," Blair closed his eyes and whispered, "masturbated like that."

"Did I measure up to your fantasies?" Jim flushed the toilet and leaned Blair over the sink.

"You're better than any fantasy I ever had," Blair admitted.

"I'd have spanked you but I don't think you would have enjoyed it on top of this." Jim ran his hand over Blair's tender butt.

"Can I see?" Blair turned, grabbing on to Jim for support and looking over his shoulder into the mirror.

"The hot water from our shower made them redder."

"I think I can see all thirteen marks."

"You shouldn't have taken the punishment for our love making; after all, it was me fucking you against doctor's orders." Jim eased Blair around until he was leaning against the sink again, then he ran the warm cloth across Blair's ass.

"It was my responsibility. And Lloyd normally would have spanked us both but Michael convinced him that making you watch me being punished was the worst they could do to you." Blair turned and wrapped his arms around Jim's neck. "And they were right, weren't they?"

Jim nodded. "Sometimes I flash to you in Lash's chair in that hall of horrors and I forget that we're safe here."

"And what we learn here, where we're safe, about ourselves and about each other, might just make the difference between life and death in our real lives. My very brave sentinel, you live a dangerous life, and the more we understand each other, the safer we'll be."

Jim kissed Blair's nose. "Turn back around. I want to work some lube up your butt before I try putting that monster in you."

"It won't be that bad. I just need you to understand that sometimes..."

"It's okay, babe, I do." Jim popped up the lid on the KY and dropped a glob onto his fingers. "Take two fingers."

"Yeah," Blair agreed and pushed down on the invaders. "More."

"Don't get all worked up again. Michael said I couldn't fuck you and it'll be a cold day in Hell before I disobey him again."

"I know." Blair squirmed. "See if I can take four fingers."

"Blair," Jim warned, his hand cramping. "You're fucking my hand. Release me and let's move you to the bed."

Jim washed his hands while Blair held onto the wall and walked himself back to the bed. "I think I'll try walking without the crutches tomorrow. I want my leg to get better."

"It will. Michael said you were healing just fine." Jim patted the bed. "Roll up on your left side and hand me the butt plug."

Jim pulled a condom over the toy, then coated it with clear jell. "Tell me how big this thing is."

"It's only about six inches long -- not as long as your cock-- and maybe three, three and a half inches in circumference at its widest point." Blair recited. "Tomorrow's will be bigger."

"Okay," Jim placed the small end on Blair's hole. "You took four of my fingers and part of my hand. You're ready, but we'll take it slow."

Blair pressed back as Jim pushed forward. "Fuck me with it." He took the first inch. "Slower, like with your fingers."

"I'm gonna hold it and you're going to impale yourself on it, just like you did to my hand."

"That's kinda hard in this position."

"Not if you do it slow." Jim pulled it out and applied more lube to the shaft and to Blair's body.

As the butt plug finally sank into place, Blair moaned.

"What?"

"Just the little burning pain when the muscle ring snaps back to fit snug around the small part of the plug. It's an exquisite stab of sensation that's a little like a quick electric shock."

"Oh," Jim groaned, "don't tell me you're into electrical stuff."

"No," Blair grinned. "Well, at least not yet."

"Under the covers, before I do add marks to Lloyd's." Jim picked up the towel and wiped his fingers on it.

"Jim," Blair said seriously.

"Yeah?"

"My leg really does hurt and Michael said I could have Tylenol."

"I'll get him." Jim turned toward the door.

"Nevermind," Blair sighed. "He'll make me take out the butt plug and stand on my leg and examine my butt and keep me up half the night. I just want to curl up with you and sleep."

Jim found the packets of Tylenol in the bathroom medicine cabinet and filled a glass of water. This was twice Blair had complained about the leg -- that was not like him. "Here, babe."

Blair took the tablets while Jim turned out the lights and climbed into bed. Sitting with his back propped up against pillows and the headboard, Jim pulled Blair into his lap and cradled his head. "Sleep, baby, sleep."

It took Blair a little time to get comfortable, but he dropped off to sleep quickly and Jim sat in the dark room and listened to his lover breathe.

"Jim?" Michael called softly as he knocked on the door.

"Come in?"

"Were you sleeping?" Michael worked his way to the bathroom and turned on the light.

"No," Jim smiled. "I can see in the dark."

"And Blair?"

"He's sleeping."

Michael sat gently on the bed and rested his hand on Blair's leg. "Did you have any problems?"

"He wanted Tylenol and I gave it to him." Jim combed his fingers through Blair's damp curls.

"It's okay." Michael pulled the covers back and checked Blair's leg. "Can I give you a piece of advice."

Jim shrugged. "Sure."

"Pamper him, spoil him, indulge him. It saves so much time in the long run."

"Care to explain that?"

"I know from personal experience how difficult it is to have a lover with needs you don't want to think about, let alone satisfy. Just give in and do it; you will anyway and you'll save yourselves a lot of unpleasantness in the process."

Chuckling, Jim looked from Michael to Blair. "And if I can't?"

"Give it up. Everyone here knows you're head over heels in love with this ball of energy."

"He is that, isn't he? He's like a puppy; he runs full bore until he drops and sleeps."

"And you wouldn't have it any other way."

Jim shook his head. "No, I wouldn't."

"So, will you take some advice from someone who's been there? Do what he wants when he wants. If you don't, he'll find someone else who will. If you're not open about it, he'll sneak it and that will doom your relationship. If you can't do the physical end of the play, at least be there for the emotional support. His heart'll always belong to you, but if you let the sex part go unsatisfied..." Michael trailed off and stared into the darkness.

"I know," Jim admitted quietly. "If I had had half the sex life with my ex-wife as I have with Blair, I'd still be married."

"What happened here tonight? And do I detect just a bit of smugness in you?"

"A command voice and an order he really got off on plus some water in his ass and he was so hot, he lasted no time. Last night, he came three times in an hour after attacking me in front of Lloyd and getting himself into trouble."

"And you got off on it."

"More than I ever knew I could; I got the supreme satisfaction of doing it to him. Do you know what that feels like?"

"Top space," Michael explained. "It's what Blair felt last night when you accepted the collar."

"And where was he tonight? This subspace?"

"After being spanked this morning, then controlled by Lloyd all day, yeah. And I take it he got off on it."

"He said he needed to go through this to balance himself."

"That doesn't surprise me."

Jim was still and silent for long minutes, thinking a cigarette would be nice. "He can take you."

"What?" Michael sputtered.

"He can take your fist."

"How do you know?"

"I was lubing him before I put the plug in and he took -- Michael, he took -- my hand," Jim bunched the fingers of his right hand together and wrapped his left thumb and middle finger around them just above the thumb. "He practically sucked my hand inside his body and that wasn't anything except my lubing his ass after sex."

"That doesn't mean he can take my arm," Michael argued.

"You don't know him. He wants this; has apparently wanted it for some time, and he trusts you. He's not going to let this chance slip by. Besides, he never moved or flinched this morning, and I know that paddling hurt."

Michael looked directly into Jim's eyes. "You're gonna do it for him."

Jim nodded. "It's like you said; I'm hopelessly in love with him and too old to waste time not sharing things with him."

"Looks like Father Patrick wins the pool."

"You were betting on me?" Jim snapped, causing Blair to stir. "Shh, baby, go back to sleep." Jim rubbed his hand gently over Blair's back and neck.

"Of course, we were betting on you," Michael snickered. "In our place you'd do the same thing."

"He's worth it," Jim smiled.

"Yeah, he is, but I gotta tell you this changes a few things for all of us so I'd like for you not to tell anyone but Father Patrick."

"Why?"

"Because Blair has a lot of preparing to do and there's still the chance that you might change your mind." Michael held his hand up. "Hear me out. I don't think you will, but it'll crush him if you say yes, then change your mind. He doesn't want your answer until Tuesday, so don't give it to him. That means he's on his own through the prep and I want him that way. Listen to him, encourage him. He won't ask for your answer, so don't volunteer it."

"Okay."

"And I want you to spend some extra time with Father Patrick, private time, working on issues like the ones we covered tonight. I want you to pull out all your ugly images and examine them."

"We won't be here that long," Jim stated flatly.

"Then when you get home, contact Father Mykkhal. If he can't counsel you, let him connect you with someone who can. Not a department shrink, but a gay one. Whether you understand it or not, you have some strong memories that are anti-gay and they'll crawl out and bite you on the ass when you least expect them. Do the counseling, meet your fears head-on -- before they hurt him." Michael stroked Blair's bare back.

"Without him?"

"These are your ghosts, not community property. He'll see enough horror of his own, don't share yours."

"He'll see the horrors because he's with me."

"It's where he wants to be." Michael smiled. "And who wouldn't want to be where he's loved as much as he is by you."

"Yeah," Jim responded.

"Can you tell me how you feel right now?"

"Jazzed. Like I could walk on water."

"Like you managed to catch all the energy he expended?"

"Yeah, maybe. Why?"

"It's how he felt last night, and it feels really good."

Jim nodded.

"Would you like to go work it off. Swim maybe?"

"No, I just wanna sit here and hold him."

Michael stood.

"Michael"?

"Yeah."

"Promise me you won't hurt him."

"I promise I won't give him more pain than he can stand." Michael rested his hand on Jim's shoulder. "Go through the charts, understand what I'm going to do. Ask me or Lloyd or Charlie or Jason. Don't be afraid to ask us anything."

"Okay," Jim mumbled.

Michael lifted Jim's chin and gently kissed him. "He's a lucky man."

"So am I," Jim stated as Michael left the room. "So am I."

End "All You Need Is a Cape Ellison.", Chapter 15.