Title: "All You Need Is a Cape, Ellison.", chapter 11

Author: Alexis Rogers

Category: Drama, Episode Related: survival

Rating: NC-17

Warnings: b/d, s/m, m/m, angst, Other: see story notes

Pairing: J/B

Summary: Jim and Blair go to Mass.

Series/Sequel: Series. This chapter will make no sense without the previous ones, which are available at the author's website or directly from the author. If you email me for chapters, please let me know what format you can handle and the size of the files. I can go as large or small as necessary.

Do not repost or forward this story without the author's knowledge and consent.

Disclaimers: I don't own the Sentinel guys; if I did, I'd let them hug each other on camera. And I'd go for RB's liplock idea as well. I have no wish to infringe of the copyright of Pet Fly Productions, UPN, Paramount, Viacom or anydamnbody else.

My fiction contains consensual sex between two or more men and is not meant to be read by those who object to explicit homoerotic sexual material. Or minors. The law says anyone under the age of consent can't read this. If you don't like the law, change it. Remember: one person can make a difference.

WARNING: This story contains many elements of *bdsm*, including but not limited to incest, spanking, whipping, nudity, enemas, butt plugs, general discussion of *bdsm*, including fisting. If you are uncomfortable with the subject, don't read the story.

{text} = Jim's thoughts.

All You Need Is a Cape, Ellison 11
by Alexis Rogers
1 July 1997

"Guys," Lloyd said softly as he knocked on the door.

"Come in," Blair invited, sitting on the bed with Jim.

"Are you two going to Mass?" Lloyd closed the door as he entered the room.

Jim shook his head and heard his spirit guide growl. "Damnit. Lloyd, I don't want to go and you said I wouldn't have to do anything I didn't want to do."

"I think you'll have to work that out with him." Lloyd pointed to the panther stretched out by the door; the cat had not been there when Lloyd came in.

Blair took Jim's hand and stroked it softly. "You trusted him in the jungle, trust him here."

"That was about life and death -- your death." Anxiety and panic battled inside Jim.

"Well, this," Blair waved his hand to indicate the room, "is about life and love. Our love. I don't pretend to understand Purusha's intentions, but he wants us here and he wants us to trust these men. So why balk at Mass?"

"I don't know," Jim admitted. "I'm just terrified of setting foot inside a church. I guess I expect God to strike me dead for all the sins I've committed."

Blair laughed. "If God is all-powerful, why would He wait until you went to church? He could strike you down anytime, anywhere."

"There's no way to explain how I feel." Jim turned to face Blair. "When those guys were shooting at us, and it was a matter of life and death, I didn't hesitate to jump off the cliff into the raging water. Never even had to think about it, but this, looking into myself, my feelings, my childhood, it's more frightening than anything I've ever done."

Lloyd sat on the bed and patted Jim's knee. "I hear that from a lot of the men who come here. And I promise you, we don't lose very many."

"What?" Blair bolted upright. "You lose people?"

Lloyd closed his eyes and nodded his head. "We've lost a few, mostly to suicide, and none lately. Our doctors are better able to deal with depression these days and our success rate is very high. It's the teamwork that makes us able to do that -- to cover as many aspects of life as possible in a short period of time." He opened his eyes and looked at Blair. "We don't plan on losing you."

"What happens when you lose somebody?" Blair shifted so that he was touching most of Jim's body with his own, as he sat inside Jim's legs, his back to Jim's chest.

"We get a lot of battered men, some physically, all emotionally, and sometimes what we do is not enough. It's one of the reasons that we encouraged Father Patrick to include services for us." Lloyd looked at his watch. "We found that many of our men needed to reconnect with their religious training in order to deal with it. That went for Charlie, as well, and I remember how difficult it was for him."

"Can you tell us?" Blair asked, slipping his hand into Jim's.

"It started when Patrick first came to us, seeking asylum in our home, like so many others. He was facing his sexual nature for the first time in his life and he needed the support and comfort we could offer. Of course, he hadn't planned on falling in love with Danny, who was recovering from an abusive relationship. But Patrick did fall in love with Danny, and that changed the course of the priest's life. He had to find a place in his life for Danny and the Church. It wasn't any easier than Charlie reconciling with the Church."

"But both of them seem find now," Blair encouraged.

"Yeah, and the first time Charlie received Communion from Patrick was a remarkably beautiful moment. It symbolized something special in both their lives."

"How does Patrick reconcile his religion with his sexuality? I don't believe the Pope has reversed the Church's position."

"Are you Catholic?" Lloyd asked Blair.

Blair shook his head, feeling his hair brush across Jim's chest. "Actually I'm Jewish by birth but as an anthropologist, I'm interested in all religions and I have found the rituals and history of the Catholic Church fascinating."

Jim suppressed the panic he remembered when Blair had drug him to the monastery. There was no way he was going to Mass. He stared at Pushy and wondered why his spirit guide felt it necessary to push him into places he did not want to go. He remembered the precipice in Peru, without his senses and the decision he made. And why: Blair, always Blair.

"I grew up without any religion and while there's a lot of good in that, I missed some of the finer points of the church, which I've learned through Patrick and Charlie. I don't have the ingrained thoughts and actions that they do, but I do appreciate the function of the church. As part of the gay community, the church is vital, it helps draw men, and women, together, and provide support when it's necessary."

"That's always been the basic role of the religion," Blair slipped into lecture mode, so Jim kissed the back of Blair's neck to distract him.

Blair sighed and leaned back against his lover.

Lloyd looked at Jim. "When was the last time you were in the Church?"

When the pain twisted around his heart, the panther moved next to the bed and placed his head on Jim's thigh. Finally Jim managed to say, "My mother's funeral mass."

"And you were how old?"

"Twelve."

"Have you ever dealt with the abandonment issue?" Lloyd asked pointedly.

"What?" Jim stared at Lloyd.

"Your mother abandoned you. Have you dealt with it?"

"My mother died," Jim stated flatly.

"And you never grieved for her. I'll bet you never cried either."

"We weren't allowed to cry. My dad..."

"Yeah, I know. Real men don't cry." Lloyd shook his head. "So men don't deal with their emotional crises and end up angry or violent or shut off and lonely." He was silent for a moment, then looked at Jim. "Tell me about your house after your mother died."

"Cold and sterile." Jim remembered that wet, cold day when they returned from the cemetery and how silent his father had been. "It was like the life was gone from the house. There was no joy or laughter."

"And what did you want at that moment?"

"For my mom to hug me and tell me it was going to be all right."

"And there was no hug from your dad?" Lloyd continued.

Jim shook his head. "He never touched us."

Lloyd watched Jim and Blair. "And you need to be touched. I see it in the way you stand next to Blair or reach for him." Lloyd patted the clasped hands. "Have you noticed the way the men here touch each other? Kiss each other?"

Jim nodded, brushing his chin on Blair's head.

"We do that because most of the men here were taught, like you, that they should not cry or express emotion in any way, that to do so was unmanly. And for the gay man trying to live in a straight world, the suppression of emotion is sometimes even stronger. We work to teach you that it is all right to care, to cry, to love, to touch your partner in ways other than sexual. It's necessary to make you the whole person that you were created to be."

Blair turned to smile at his lover. "So Jim needs to go back and grieve for his mother?"

"That would be a good place to start," Lloyd offered, "And Mass might help."

Jim closed his eyes. He could see his mother in her coffin, hear the priest intoning the words, smell the incense, and actually feel the bells as they tolled her passing. He shook his head. "I can't," he whispered.

"Do you love Blair?" Lloyd asked quietly.

"Yes," Jim replied. "Why?"

"Would you like to be able to love him more deeply?"

"I don't understand."

"Charlie and I have been together for a very long time and I love him more now than I did in the beginning. Every stage of our growth has allowed us to love each other on a deeper level until our lives are so entwined that I wouldn't know how to separate them." Lloyd smiled with a dreamy look in his eyes. "When he made his peace with the Church, it opened up a whole new part of him for me to love. It freed him to love me more; that's when he asked me to marry him. He found what was good in the Church and made it a part of our lives and labeled the things in the Church that were bad and put them in the light so we could see them and deal with them. Our love helped him do that because he had to get over the hurdle that the Church damned our love and everything we are. It wasn't an easy or painless process, but it was certainly worth the effort."

"Where is Charlie?" Blair asked.

"At the hospice. Our other priest, Father Pat, lives there and works with Father Patrick in dealing with our terminal patients and their families. Father Pat came to us by way of one of the men who runs the hospice and he has been a great deal of help. He and Father Patrick have become close friends and have done tremendous work in our community. I doubt either of them will be canonized by the church, but they are the closest things I've ever seen to saints."

"So you won't see Charlie today?"

"That depends on the schedule at the hospice. Charlie will be counseling patients and their families most of the day." Lloyd spread his hands. "Most of us work all the time, but we do take one weekend off a month -- like Jason and Michael did this weekend. Charlie and I are off next weekend and I think we'll find a hotel room someplace and sleep for two days."

"No playing in the dungeon?" Jim tried to keep the sarcasm out of his voice.

Lloyd smiled patiently. "We do play, have most of our lives together, but as we've gotten older, the idea of cuddling up in bed and letting someone else wait on us has a great deal of appeal. Room service has become one of my favorite things."

"Jim," Blair leaned his head back so he could touch Jim's mouth in a brief kiss, "I think what Lloyd's saying is that he and Charlie know what works in their relationship."

"Yeah, and that we all work here." Lloyd patted Jim's leg. "The work schedule for this week isn't ready yet; it'll be posted this afternoon. I think I'll make sure you have two days working at the hospice so you can see exactly how much good the Church can do when the people involved understand what they believe in."

"Why do I get the feeling that you aren't going to let me skip Mass?" Jim grumbled.

"Because it's important to your emotional growth that you go," Lloyd explained. "No one's going to ask you to take a vow of poverty or take up residence in a monastery. All we want you to do is try to make peace between yourself and the Church. And I promise the rewards will be worth the work." Lloyd closed his eyes for a long moment, drew in a deep breath and opened his eyes. "Mass is a celebration of unity. Basically, the Mass isn't about individual connection to God as much as it is about community connection to God, through which the individual connects. The Mass is a ritual repeated in the same way every day everywhere in the world. Every minute of every day, someone is offering up Mass somewhere in the world. When you receive Communion here, it will be part of a joining of hearts all over the world, of declaring our oneness as human beings. It's joy and love and caring."

Jim bowed his head. "I can't receive communion; I haven't been to confession."

"Patrick's not going to ask you to embrace all the doctrines of the Church. You're in counseling, you're in retreat, you're here in search of the truth in your heart. That in itself constitutes the spirit of confession. You may not believe it, but your heart is pure. It shows in the way you love Blair."

"But," Blair interrupted, "that's a contradiction to the very existence of the Church."

"Not a church based on love, which ours is." Lloyd looked from Blair to Jim. "We can only have you for two weeks, so we're shoving a lot of ideas and concepts at you in a very short time. If you lived here with us, or near us, we could take this much more slowly, but we can only do what we have time to do. When you leave us, we want you to take as much away as possible so you'll have what you need to make the decisions necessary for your lives together." Lloyd petted the big cat that still lay with his head on Jim's leg. "I think your spirit guide realizes what we're trying to do and he's pushing you to trust us so we can do our jobs."

"So I go to Mass." Jim scratched the panther, who looked up at him and purred.

The three men walked slowly from the dormitory to the chapel, which was located in a separate part of the retreat. It was built of stone and wood and looked old and new at the same time. A lot of work had gone into keeping the structure in perfect shape. Jim helped Blair maneuver his crutches up the three wide steps that led to the main door.

Father Patrick stood next to the wrought iron stand holding a container of Holy Water and smiled. "Hello, James, I'm glad you're here."

"It was my only choice," Jim grumbled.

"I would like for you to relax and let your body lead you. The rituals serve a purpose and you need to understand what that purpose is in your life. When you dip your fingers in the Holy Water and cross yourself upon entering the church, it's simply a purification ritual as you come into God's house. It reminds you of where you are and why you're here. You use a purification ritual before you make love to your partner. Think of it as the same type of routine."

Jim stared at Patrick. Nothing was that simple and yet in the jungle it had been the simple routines of life that had made survival possible. Eating and sleeping had been the main part of the day. Gathering food with the village, protecting the village, learning and teaching.

It was just water, probably tap water, Jim reminded himself as he dipped two fingers in the bowl, but it was supposed to be blessed. Unless the Church had changed a great deal, the water was blessed by Father Patrick and considering some of the things he had seen over the past few days, maybe the priest's blessing was strong enough to do some good. He closed his eyes and crossed himself.

When Jim opened his eyes, Lloyd said quietly, "Go light a candle for your mother. I'll take care of Blair."

When Jim looked at Patrick, he nodded, so Jim turned towards the back of the church, the panther beside him. After fumbling in his pocket for coins, Jim dropped them into the box and lit a small white candle. Then he knelt, allowing his body to remember the ritual. He closed his eyes and pressed his hands together, picturing his mother that last day. It still hurt like it had then. Maybe he had not grieved; maybe he had only gotten used to her not being there.

As his mind came back to the present, he stood and looked up at the skylight which was a stained glass representation of two angels looking down into the church. With the sunlight behind the glass, the angels looked alive and protective. Turning to find Blair, Jim was assaulted by the many smells in the old church. Incense that was so intense he had to turn down his senses. Lemon and cedar furniture polish made him wonder who cleaned the church and polished the pews. Fragrant flowers from the grounds perfumed the air, making him dizzy by the time he walked to the place where Blair and Lloyd waited.

"Are you okay, Jim?" Blair asked in his guide's voice.

When Jim did not reply, Blair touched his arm. "Jim. Come back to me, Jim."

"Yeah, okay, Chief." Jim knelt on the padded kneeler and was silent before he sat in the pew, next to Blair, who was next to Lloyd. He ran his finger over the polished wood and wondered how many men had sat here.

"Jim?"

"I'm fine," Jim replied as organ music, sweet and low, filled the room. The dome shape, along with the stone and wood, gave the music it's own unique sound and feel. The vibrations were subtle and mystic.

Lloyd helped Blair to stand, while Jim wrapped an arm around his waist, providing support. The procession began at the back of the church led by altar boys with tinkling bells and incense. Father Patrick was the last in the line and he stopped for just a moment and placed a hand on Jim's shoulder.

When he had taken his place at the head of the church, Father Patrick greeted the congregation: "In the Name of the Father and the Son and of the Holy Spirit." He made the sign of the cross.

Those present responded: "Amen," and Jim found himself joining with the rest.

"The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all."

"And also with you," Jim replied with the others.

"My brothers, to prepare ourselves to celebrate the sacred mysteries, let us call to mind our sins," Father Patrick intoned.

"I confess to almighty God, and to you, my brothers, that I have sinned through my own fault. In my thoughts and in my words. In what I have done and what I have failed to do; and I ask the Blessed Mary, ever virgin, all the angels and saints, and you, my brothers, to pray with me to the Lord our God." Jim was amazed at his recall of words he had not uttered in many years.

"May almighty God have mercy on us, forgive us our sins, and bring us to everlasting life." The priest's eyes roamed the congregation, stopping briefly on Jim, then made the sign of the cross.

"Amen." Jim crossed himself.

Patrick led the group: "Lord have mercy. Christ have mercy. Lord have mercy."

Blair took Jim's hand and smiled. "I love you," he mouthed.

Squeezing Blair's hand, Jim watched as Patrick began the Gloria.

"Glory to God in the highest, and peace to his people on earth. Lord God, heavenly King, almighty God and Father, we worship You, we give You thanks, we praise You for Your glory. Lord Jesus Christ, only Son of the Father, Lord God, Lamb of God, You take away the sin of the world: have mercy on us; You are seated at the right hand of the Father, receive our prayer. For You alone are the Holy One, You alone are Lord, You alone are the Most High, Jesus Christ. With the Holy Spirit, in the glory of the God the Father."

"Amen."

"Let us pray," the priest continued.

"Our Father, we thank You for this beautiful day and for allowing us to be here, celebrating our love for You. We thank You for the men who are gathered here and ask that You guide us as we listen to Your word. Help us to open our hearts to understand the message that You have for us. We pray for Your strength as we struggle to live in a world that would rather we didn't exist. Our sins may be many but loving each other isn't one of them. Help us to understand that love is not wrong, that we can find within each other the strength to connect to the community through You and go forward with the work You have placed us here to do. In the Name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen."

"Amen." Jim helped Blair return to his seat and noted a sheen of perspiration on his skin. "Don't stand again," he ordered quietly.

Blair nodded, pain clouding his blue eyes.

Patrick moved to be seated while Danny stepped forward from his seat in the front of the church. "Today's reading is from the Song of Songs:

"For, lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone;

"The flowers appear on the earth; the time of the singing of birds is come, and the voice of the turtle is heard in our land;

"The fig tree putteth forth her green figs, and the vines with the tender grape give a good smell. Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away.

"O my dove, that art in the clefts of the rock, in the secret places of the stairs, let me see thy countenance, let me hear thy voice; for sweet is thy voice, and thy countenance is comely.

"Take us the foxes, the little foxes, that spoil the vines: for our vines have tender grapes.

"My beloved is mine, and I am his." Danny turned and smiled at Patrick before sitting down.

Jim took Blair's hand.

"This is the word of the Lord," Patrick continued.

"Thanks be to God," Jim said to Blair.

Another man from the congregation rose and came forward. "Today's Psalm is chapter nineteen."

"The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament sheweth his handywork.

"Day unto day uttereth speech, and night unto night sheweth knowledge.

"There is no speech nor language, where their voice is not heard.

"Their line is gone out through all the earth, and their words to the end of the world. In them hath he set a tabernacle for the sun,

"Which is as a bridegroom coming out of his chamber, and rejoiceth as a strong man to run a race.

"His going forth is from the end of the heaven, and his circuit unto the ends of it: and there is nothing hid from the heat thereof.

"The law of the Lord is perfect, converting the soul: the testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple.

"The statutes of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart: the commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes.

"The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever: the judgments of the Lord are true and righteous altogether.

"More to be desired are they than gold, yea, than much fine gold: sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb.

"Moreover by them is thy servant warned: and in keeping of them there is great reward.

"Who can understand his errors? Cleanse thou me from secret faults.

"Keep back thy servant also from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me: then shall I be upright, and I shall be innocent from the great transgression.

"Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer."

Jim responded, "Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength and my redeemer." These words opened old memories, letting light seep into Jim's soul.

Danny returned, taking the large Bible from the man who read the Psalm, then announced: "More poetry from the Song of Songs:

"My beloved is white and ruddy, the chiefest among ten thousand.

"His head is as the most fine gold, his locks are bushy, and black as a raven.

"His eyes are as the eyes of doves by the rivers of waters, washed with milk and fitly set.

"His cheeks are as a bed of spices, as sweet flowers: his lips like lilies, dropping sweet smelling myrrh.

"His hands are as gold rings set with the beryl; his belly is as bright ivory overlaid with sapphires.

"His legs are as pillars of marble, set upon sockets of fine gold: his countenance is as Lebanon, excellent as the cedars.

"His mouth is most sweet: yea, he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved, and this is my friend."

Danny closed the Bible and stood next to Patrick, smiling.

Standing with the rest of the group, Jim hung onto Blair's hand as he remained seated. The congregation began to sing the "Alleluia" but Jim's eyes were fixed on Danny and Patrick, the priest and his lover, together at the altar. Jim resisted the urge to turn up his hearing as he wondered if Danny were a guide to his lover. The concept of life partners as presented here, in this place, with apparent approval by God, and one spirit guide, was as alien as breathing methane. How could this be? How could it work? The physical contact with Blair was as alive and vital as an electrical current.

Danny walked away from Father Patrick, who stepped forward and looked over the group of men. "This is the word of God."

Jim responded with the rest: "Thanks be to God."

Patrick said, "The Lord be with you."

And the congregation replied, "And also with you."

"And now, a reading from the holy gospel according to St. John."

"Glory to you, Lord." Jim made the sign of the cross on his forehead, his lips and over his heart. Blair squeezed his hand.

"And the third day there was a marriage in Cana of Galilee; and the mother of Jesus was there:

"And both Jesus was called, and his disciples, to the marriage.

"And when they wanted wine, the mother of Jesus saith unto him, They have no wine.

"Jesus saith unto her, Woman, what have I to do with thee? mine hour is not yet come.

"His mother saith unto the servants, Whatsoever he saith unto you, do it.

"And there were set there six waterpots of stone, after the manner of the purifying of the Jews, containing two or three firkins apiece.

"Jesus saith unto them, Fill the waterpots with water. And they filled them up to the brim.

"And he saith unto them, Draw out now, and bear unto the governor of the feast. And they bare it.

"When the ruler of the feast had tasted the water that was made wine, and knew not whence it was: but the servants which drew the water knew; the governor of the feast called the bridegroom,

"And saith unto him, Every man at the beginning doth set forth good wine; and when men have well drunk, then that which is worse: but thou hast kept the good wine until now.

"This beginning of miracles did Jesus in Cana of Galilee, and manifested forth his glory; and his disciples believed on him."

"This is the gospel of the Lord," Patrick held the Bible aloft.

"Praise to you, Lord Jesus Christ," the people responded, then sat down.

Blair smiled encouragement and love.

Father Patrick took a moment to look around the room, stopping and smiling at several people before his eyes finally rested on Jim. "Welcome to each of you. It's good to see new faces here as well as those who have returned to us for even a short period of time. Our community is both large and small and we try to provide support for all of you as you come to us.

"This week we have an added joy: a wedding. Andrew and Kyle request the honor of your presence on Friday as they exchange their vows before family and friends. They have asked that all of you who are here join with us as we celebrate their love and commitment. As we require, they have lived together in a committed relationship for one year. They have completed the counseling both here and at home in Chicago. They are ready to take the final step that God intended for men to take." Patrick beamed at the couple who sat on the other side of the chapel.

"God celebrates love and marriage. He intended for us to be together to support one another, to love one another, to care for one another. Before Danny and I were married, I had to come to an understanding of my beliefs in the teachings of God, the teachings of the Church, and the feelings in my heart. I couldn't believe that God could allow me to love Danny the way I do and not be able to explore that love. I studied every word of the Bible, looking for the admonishments of homosexuality in God's words and I did not find them. " Patrick was silent as he held the eyes of several men in the room.

"I found," he continued, "where the word of God had been corrupted. In some instances I found the exact point in which the original words had been changed, many for reasons I could not find. It appeared that the idea of chaste priests was a teaching of the Church and not of God and my vows were to God first.

"If God created man in His own image, was I not then created in His image? Study, meditation and prayer led me to believe that God had indeed created me in His image and in such a way to do the job He placed me on this earth to do. And He gave me Daniel to help with that work. We have been blessed with happiness to offset the sadness we see everyday, we have strength to handle those burdens that I know I couldn't handle alone, we have each other for comfort at the end of a long day when life has been difficult.

"Most of you here have worked in our hospice. We ask that you do that so none of us will forget the pain and suffering in our community. As I have watched men die, I have prayed for the reason I must give so many Last Rites. It is my belief that God has not given us more than we can handle, that the horrible virus that takes the lives of our brothers each day will bring us together as a family, as a community, as a village." Patrick's eyes stopped on Jim and held them for a long, quiet moment.

"In unity, there is hope for all. We have learned how to work together, how to be a political unit, how to make the rest of the world understand us. We have learned to love each other. And while there are those who still hate us because we love one another, the world is now fully aware of the gay community and that we aren't going anywhere. Only together can we be strong enough to find our own place in today's world, a place God intended for us to have. We're what He created us to be and together we're strong enough to do what we are destined to do.

"It was not an accident that the first miracle Jesus performed was at a wedding, a celebration of love and life; nor was it an accident that the Holy Mother made it clear to her son that this was the place to start. When He argued with her that His time was not come, she firmly encouraged Him and He followed her lead. Our Lord helped set the role of women in all our lives. We all have mothers."

Jim trembled and wished he had known his better.

"Some of you have had wives and children. We honor the women in our lives as we find our own way with our feelings and love for other men. To love each other is not to exclude the women of our world. It gives me great pleasure to know that both the mothers of Andrew and Kyle will be here for their joining. The family, and the community, are strengthened by love. We honor the women who bear our children and treat them with respect. There is no place in God's word that allows otherwise. By doing so, we built a bridge that crosses from their world into ours, which is necessary in order for us to continue as part of the world society.

"As we move forward with our dedication to love, marriage and a stable family life, we must continue to work for the true legalization of our commitments. We must present an example to the community in which we live and take an active role in the politics of our country. The only people who are going to make a legal gay marriage happen is us. If we believe in this as our right, we have to convince the world that we have the right, in God's eyes."

Patrick was silent as he closed his eyes for a moment. "Join us for the celebration of love, pray for guidance, seek the word of God, then do what we all know must be done."

Jim rose with the other men in the room and joined in as the priest led the profession of faith: "We believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, of all that is seen and unseen. We believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ, the only Son of God, eternally begotten of the Father, God from God, Light from Light, true God from true God, begotten, not made, one in Being with the Father. Through Him all things were made. For us men and our salvation, He came down from heaven:"

Jim bowed his head and closed his eyes, continuing, "by the power of the Holy Spirit, He was born of the Virgin Mary, and became man.

"For our sake He was crucified under Pontius Pilate, He suffered, died and was buried. On the third day He rose again in fulfillment of the Scriptures; He ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father. He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead, and His kingdom will have no end. We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life, who proceeds from the Father and the Son. With the Father and the Son He is worshipped and glorified. He has spoken through the Prophets. We believe in one holy catholic and apostolic Church. We acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins. We look for the resurrection of the dead, and the life of the world to come. Amen."

Father Patrick looked around the room. "It is time to remember those we love in prayer, as well as those who need the strength that only God can provide. During this week, I remind you to remember our doctors on a daily basis. We had another death at the hospice last night. Danny and I were with him. His last thoughts were of you, to each of you who had been with him, and to the group for making his last days bearable." Patrick paused for a moment. "It never gets any easier, losing them. I'm going to ask that any of you who wish to make a contribution to AIDS research, find Mitchell after the service. We have got to defeat this evil thing." Patrick's voice was tinged with anger and he looked heavenward as he took several deep breaths.

"I also expect that as each of you returns home, you will be more aware of the needs of our community and that you will do your part to reach out. If you can help, do so. If you can't, work with the priest in your area to provide the assistance needed. And remember those priests in your prayers. Brother Mitchell, will you voice our prayer?"

"Our most gracious Lord," a man from the congregation began. "Hear our prayers. Take unto Your own our brother. While we will feel his absence, we rejoice that he is with You, in a place without pain and suffering. We further ask that You provide strength and courage to our doctors and other workers as they minister to those who can no longer take care of themselves. And, almighty Father, we pray to find the cure for the evil virus that takes the lives of our people." Mitchell's voice quivered and he paused. "Father, give each of us the strength we need to do Your work. Be with each man who leaves us this week, that he may take home with him the love and courage he has gained here and use it to help his fellows. Help us as You helped the Children of Israel fight the insurmountable odds and find victory in a world that wishes we were not here. In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit, Amen."

"Amen." Jim returned to his seat, his mind in turmoil, his senses on overload.

"Jim," Blair said in his Guide voice, "focus, relax, breathe. Hear me and know that you're okay."

Jim nodded and stroked Blair's hand.

Four men grouped in the front of the church and sang a capella. The song, in Latin, was full of sweet sounds and promise. Jim watched as Blair absorbed the music like he did with all such expressions, from hard rock to jungle rhythms. Ushers moved down the aisles of the small church and Jim reached for his wallet.

When the quartet began a second song, the altar boys who had been in the procession at the beginning of the service prepared the altar for Communion.

As if reading his thoughts, Jim noticed his panther was sitting in the aisle next to him.

Danny carried a crystal bowl, a bright white linen towel, and a carafe of water to the front of the altar, where he kissed, then washed the priest's hands. There were no words between the two men, but Jim could feel the connection, see that it was strong, and again wondered if Danny was a guide. Maybe there was a a connection between priest and deacon. When Danny had dried Patrick's hands with loving care, he put the items away and prepared to help with Communion.

"Blessed are you, Lord, God of all creation. Through your goodness we have this bread to offer, which earth has given and work of human hands have made. It will become the bread of life." Patrick raised the bread over a large crystal and silver goblet.

"Blessed be God forever," Jim replied.

"Blessed are you, Lord, God of all creation. Through Your goodness we have this wine to offer, fruit of the vine and work of human hands. It will become our spiritual drink." Patrick poured blood red wine into the chalice and raised it.

"Blessed be God forever," Jim recited.

"Pray, brethren, that our sacrifice may be acceptable to God, the almighty Father," the priest tore a small piece of bread and dipped it in the goblet of wine.

"May the Lord accept the sacrifice at your hands for the praise and glory of His name, for our good, and the good of all His Church," Jim intoned as Patrick received Communion from his lover.

Taking the chalice from Patrick, Danny placed it on the altar and stepped aside.

"Our Father, bring us together at this time, show us that our strength comes from You and through You, and from the unions You have blessed. Remind us that we need each other as we need You. Allow us to serve each other as we serve You. May our love for each other reflect Your love for us. Guide us as we follow Your words and Your Deeds. In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit."

"Amen," Jim replied with the rest.

"The Lord be with you," Patrick continued.

"And also with you," Jim rested his right hand on the panther's head.

"Lift up your heart," the priest directed.

"We lift up our hearts."

"Let us give thanks to the Lord our God," Patrick said.

"It is right to give Him thanks and praise."

"Father, it is our duty and our salvation, always and everywhere to give You thanks through Your beloved Son, Jesus Christ. He is the Word through whom You made the universe, the Savior You sent to redeem us. By the power of the Holy Spirit, He took flesh and was born of the Virgin Mary. For our sake He opened up His arms on the cross; He put an end to death and revealed the resurrection. In this He fulfilled Your will and won for You a holy people. And so we join the angels and the saints in proclaiming Your glory as we say," Father Patrick directed.

"Holy, holy, holy Lord. God of power and might. Heaven and earth are full of your glory. Hosanna in the highest. Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord. Hosanna in the highest." Jim let go of Blair's hand to kneel.

"Lord, You are holy indeed, the fountain of all holiness." Patrick continued. "Let Your spirit come upon these gifts to make them holy, so that they may become for us the body and blood our Lord, Jesus Christ. Before He was given up to death, a death He freely accepted, He took bread, gave You thanks. He broke the bread, gave it to His disciples and said: 'Take this, all of you, and eat it. This is my body which will be given up for you.'" Patrick raised the host as Danny and the two altar boys rang crystal hand bells that were accented in silver, matching the chalice.

Then Danny, assisting Patrick, took the bread, returned it to the altar and placed the chalice in the priest's hands.

"When supper was ended, He took the cup. Again He gave You thanks and praise, gave the cup to His disciples, and said: 'Take this, all of you, and drink from it. This is the cup of My blood. The blood of the new and everlasting covenant. It will be shed for you and for all men so that sins are forgiven. Do this in memory of Me.'" Patrick lifted the cup as the bells rang.

Danny took the cup from Patrick before he continued. "Let us proclaim the mystery of faith."

"Christ has died, Christ is risen, Christ will come again," Jim recited.

"In memory of His death and resurrection, we offer You, Father, this life-giving bread, this saving cup. We thank You for counting us worthy to stand in Your presence and serve You. May all of us share in the body and blood of Christ and be brought together in the unity by the Holy Spirit," Patrick offered.

"Lord, remember your Church throughout the world; make us grow in love, together with John Paul, our Pope, and Father Jeffrey, our bishop, and all the clergy.

"Remember our brothers and sisters who have gone to their rest in the hope of rising again, bring them and all the departed into the light of your presence. Have mercy on us all. Make us worthy to share eternal life, with Mary, the virgin mother of God, with the apostles, and with all the saints who have done Your will throughout the ages. May we praise You in union with them, and give You glory through Your Son, Jesus Christ.

"Through Him, with Him, and in Him, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, all glory and honor is Yours, almighty Father, forever and ever." Patrick held up the wine and the bread.

"Amen."

Patrick offered his hand to Danny, who took it. "Let us pray with confidence to the Father in the words our Savior gave us."

Jim stood with the rest of the congregation, then leaned down for Blair's hand. Lloyd took Blair's other hand.

"Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed by thy Name; thy kingdom come; thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil." Jim heard the echo of hundreds of monks as the words reverberated on the stones.

The panther sat on his haunches in the aisle beside Jim.

Father Patrick continued, "Deliver us, Lord, from every evil, and grant us peace in our day. In Your mercy keep us free from sin and protect us from all anxiety as we wait in joyful hope for the coming of our Savior, Jesus Christ."

"For the kingdom, the power, and the glory are yours, now and forever. Amen." The words were as familiar to Jim as his own name.

"Lord Jesus Christ, You said to Your apostles," Patrick continued, a strong conviction in his voice, "I leave you peace, my peace I give you. Look not on our sins, but on the faith of your Church, and grant us the peace and unity of your kingdom where you live for ever and ever."

"Amen," Jim replied.

"The peace of the Lord be with you always."

"And also with you."

"Let us offer each other a sign of peace." Father Patrick kissed his lover.

Lloyd leaned down and kissed Blair, who was still seated. Other members of the congregation were kissing each other. Sign of peace indeed, Jim thought. Sitting on the edge of the pew, Jim cupped Blair's chin and kissed him gently. "I love you," he whispered, before rising to continue with the service.

"Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world, have mercy on us. Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world, have mercy on us. Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world, grant us peace."

Father Patrick lifted both the chalice and the paten over the altar. "This is the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world. Happy are those who are called to his supper."

"Lord," Jim replied, "I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed." It's too late, Jim thought, if there is a God, I am unworthy.

"Amen." Jim knelt along with the others.

Danny took the chalice and Patrick broke the bread. "The body of Christ." Patrick consumed a small bite.

Danny took the bread and handed Patrick the chalice, which Patrick lifted upward. "The blood of Christ." He drank.

"Amen."

Danny knelt at the altar rail to receive Communion, then was followed by the altar boys and the four men who had sung earlier. Following the silence, Danny moved behind Patrick to assist and the four men took their places and sang softly, in Latin. The two men who announced their marriage stepped forward to receive Communion, and were followed by many others.

"James, you need to do this." It was a female voice.

Jim looked for the person who had spoken the words but found no one. His eyes stopped on Patrick, who smiled encouragingly.

The panther stood.

Blair released Jim's hand and kissed the palm. "Go."

Jim shook his head.

Blair placed his hand on Jim's butt in a pantomime of a swat. "Yes," he mouthed.

Lloyd nodded towards the front of the church.

The panther moved as Jim stepped into the aisle and walked beside him. When Jim knelt in front of Father Patrick, the cat was a solid presence next to him.

Patrick placed a hand on Jim's shoulder. "You're going to be fine." He placed the wafer on Jim's tongue. The bland taste released a thousand memories.

"Trust us," Patrick said as he handed the chalice to Jim, then placed his hands on top of Jim's. The strong, dry wine in Jim's mouth released a thousand more memories.

Jim dropped his head, the visions swarming in a random pattern of conflicting emotions. He could not move, so he just stayed on his knees, his thoughts whirling in random threatening patterns. The panther sat on one side, while Danny knelt on the other. Comforted by the presence of both, Jim pushed all thought from his mind, focusing on Blair's heartbeat as his link to sanity.

When the church was finally quiet, the priest stood in front of him. "James," Father Patrick knelt, "would you like to talk?"

"I wouldn't know where to start."

"We can help."

Danny pressed a reassuring hand on Jim's folded hands.

"I know what you're going through," Patrick continued. "It happens a lot here. The sights and sounds and tastes have released your childhood memories. Your concepts of the church were molded for you as a child and now you must deal with them as an adult, choosing which are real and which are not. Working through them will leave you freer to love that young man who can't take his eyes off you."

"Blair?" Jim looked up, but the heartbeat was steady and nearby.

"He's fine. Lloyd will motherhen him for a while." Patrick laughed. "There's a picnic lunch on the grounds when you're ready."

"I'd like to stay here for a while."

Patrick offered Danny his hand. "Stay as long as you like, and take comfort in the fact that almost every man here today has felt what you are feeling. Let us help you."

Jim nodded and waited until he heard the footsteps reach the door, then beyond. When he was sure the room was empty, he lowered his head to the railing. "What do you want of me?"

The cat purred and Jim looked at him, expecting to see the form of the man he had seen in the jungle. Instead, it was his mother.

She smiled. "James, you're special. You have been chosen to do a job only you can do. It makes me very proud to know that my son has done so well. Follow you heart. Follow that young man who loves you as you love him."

"Mom?"

The room was empty and he understood that he had taken another step in a journey he did not understand, but now he had his guide and his village.

He released the tears he had been holding inside for over twenty five years.

End "All You Need Is a Cape, Ellison.", Chapter 11.