Title: All That I Wish For

Author/psuedonym: Ramblin Rose

Pairing: J/B

Rating: R

Category: Christmas Story

Date: December 4, 2000

Series/sequel:

Status: new

Archive: Sure

Disclaimer: These guys don't belong to me, never did, never will, but I can dream. Petfly doesn't like to share. They also don't pay me, darn it anyhow.

Notes: Merry Christmas to all of you. Especially Lisa and Mary. :)

Warning: m/m There is no fucking nudity. Well, there isn't. It's a Christmas story for god's sake.

Summary: It's A Wonderful Life meets Touched By An Angel for Jim and Blair.

Lots of angst.

All That I Wish Forby
Ramblin Rose
****

Blair sat in the corner of his cold apartment, hoping to catch a little bit of heat as it came out. Things didn't look good for him. He'd moved there two weeks ago. He and Jim had the biggest fight they'd ever had. The next thing he knew he was out of the loft. Not that Jim threw him out but Blair just couldn't stay. Not after Jim had said all of those hateful, spiteful things. Why did Jim have to be such an asshole all the time? It wasn't like Jim didn't know how Blair was. He did. So what was the big fucking deal?

Blair saw Jim every day at work, and that was good, except that it made the apartment all the more empty when he got home at night. He missed Jim so much. He missed them watching the game. He missed talking Jim's leg off. He missed having Jim complain about the mess he left in the kitchen or bathroom. Basically, he missed everything about Jim.

God, it was so fucking cold in this apartment. Would it ever warm up? Blair lay there that night trying to fall asleep. He didn't remember falling off, but the next thing he knew there was an angel standing next to the bed.

Blair looked up at her and said, "Am I dead?"

She answered, "No, but I'm here to see if you have any wishes that are more important than anyone else's wishes. If you have one, I'll fulfill that wish or dream."

"Well, I don't have any wishes that are more important than anyone else's." Blair said sadly.

"You can do better than that, Blair. Tell me what you wish for." The angel said in a sweet and kind voice. Behind her there was a glow that Blair swore was giving off heat. He found himself getting closer to the angel.

"All that I wish for is that I had treated Jim better. I'd love to be in his arms instead of this cold empty apartment. I wish that he loved me the way I love him. I wish he wasn't so damn straight. I wish that he was here to warm me up. I'm so cold. I'm freezing and I feel like I'm dying without him. Even if the heat was on, I think I'd still feel like I was dying."

"So far, these don't top anyone's lists of wishes, Blair. Can you think of anything else?" The sweet angel asked.

Now Blair pulled himself into a tighter ball trying to keep warm. "I wish that I could tell him just once how much he means to me. Don't you think that could be important? What if no one ever told him that he was that important? He'd have to go through life thinking he wasn't important. Right? So, yeah, that's what I wish. I wish I could tell him and hold him in my arms while I tell him. Then I wish I could kiss him while holding him in my arms, telling him how important he is."

"Now, Blair, this's getting better. You might get there, yet. Can you think of anything else that you wish for?"

As tears rolled down his cheeks, he looked over at the angel and said, "It's not important, but I would give anything to know what Jim wished for. I don't know how he feels about anything. I love him so much but still don't know how he feels about me. So, I wish I could see him right now and hear what he had to say about me. I want to know what his wishes and dreams are."

"Blair, that was wonderful. You're going to get your wish." The angel said as she walked over, touched his face and he closed his eyes as they found themselves in the loft.

Blair looked over at Jim on the bed and saw him crying. There was an angel talking to Jim. Blair could see that angel, but so far, Jim couldn't see them. Why was that? Turning to his angel he asked, "What's going on? Why's Jim crying? Why's he so sad?"

"He's writing you a goodbye letter. He can't go on without you."

"No. No way. He doesn't even need me. He doesn't love me like I do him. Why would he do that?"

"Remember, you said you wanted to hear his wishes. Well, he's going to tell his angel them right now. So you can hear why."

Jim sat up on the edge of the bed and said, "This is stupid. I'm having some sort of breakdown, I'm sure. Why would I see an angel?"

Jim's angel said, "Jim, you need to tell me what your dreams are and what you wish for."

"What do I wish for? All that I wish for is for Blair to come home and love me the way I love him. I wish that we didn't always have to fight. I wish that I wasn't attracted to him. I wish that we could spend the rest of our days together and be happy doing it."

Jim's angel smiled down at him and said, "Is this all you wish for?"

"All that I really wish for is to have someone stop me from doing what I want to do right now."

Jim's angel touched his arm and said, "Go to sleep for awhile and we'll talk when you're rested. You haven't slept in a long time, have you?"

"I haven't slept since Blair moved. I can't sleep without him here in the loft. I'm fucking lost without him."

"Jim, calm down. Lie down and go to sleep. Things will look better in the morning." She said as she saw that he was sleeping.

She turned and saw the tears rolling down Blair's face. Blair looked at his angel and said, "Why would Jim want to kill himself?"

"Is that one of your wishes, Blair?" Blair looked at her and said, "Yes, I need to find out why he would kill himself. All I wish is to make things right again."

Jim's angel said, "Then start by talking to him. Ask him why and see if he talks to you."

"Will he be able to hear me?" Blair asked confused.

"Of course he'll hear you. Please don't waste your wishes." His angel said as she disappeared.

Blair was in the loft. It was warm in comparison to his awful apartment and he sat on the bed and said, "Jim, are you awake?"

Jim opened his eyes and said, "Chief? What're you doing here?"

"Jim, do you love me?"

"Chief, of course I love you. You already knew that."

"Not that kind of love, Man. I mean the kind of love where you want me to share your life, your days, your bed and just basically be in love."

"Oh that. Yeah, I'm in love with you, Blair. Why bring this up now. You want me to feel worse about everything that's happened?"

"No, Jim, I don't. I want us to be together."

"This is some sort of dream, isn't it, Chief?"

"Jim, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure, you can ask me anything, you know that?"

"Why did we argue and I move out?"

"Because you said that I was anal, cold and wasn't ready for a commitment."

"Jim, when the fuck did I say that? I don't remember saying that at all. I remember saying that you were rigid, a little frosty sometimes and you didn't give a shit about our friendship."

"Same difference to me, Chief."

"Well, it's not, Jim. It's a lot different. I was talking about our friendship and how rigid you are sometimes. You know you are."

"Yes, I know exactly how I am. You pointed all of my shortcomings out to me, Blair. And every day since you moved you've pushed me further away. I could take a hint."

"Man, I can't believe this. We're both moron's."

"Chief, I don't have a clue as to what you're talking about."

"Jim, if you could wish for anything, what would it be?"

"That you would love me as much as I love you." Jim said shyly looking down at his hands lying in his lap.

"Then why didn't you say that to me, Jim? Why did we waste all of that time?"

"Because I was afraid you'd move out and you ended up moving out anyhow."

"So, are you saying that you'd want me to move back in?"

"Are you saying you'd come back? You love me?"

"Jim, don't make it sound like it would be a big chore. I think I've treated you badly here. I wasn't aware of how insecure you were. And I fed on that without even knowing it."

"Blair, all I wish for is your happiness."

"Well, it's a funny thing. That's exactly what I want for you too. It's a small world."

"Now, can I tell you something weird, Man?"

"You can tell me anything, you know that."

"Yeah, I do. Well, I had this weird dream that an angel came to visit me. She made me rattle off a list of things I wished for. And if she thought any of them were important enough, she'd see to it that my wishes were fulfilled. Is that bizarre?"

"Chief, I think it's odd, but not unbelievable since I had an angel too. She was talking me out of something. She also asked me what I wished for."

"What did she need to talk you out of, Jim?" Blair said as he sat next to Jim on the bed.

Not looking up, Jim said very softly, "I wanted to die. Chief, I can't do this without you."

"Jim, you have to promise that you won't ever think like that again. All I wish for is for you to be happy with me and never ever consider killing yourself."

"I promise, Blair. You know that I'd do anything you asked. I didn't think that you cared."

"Man, I'm going to have to change the way I act around you. I had no idea you didn't know how I felt about you."

"I love you, Blair." Jim said as he kissed him.

"I love you too, Jim." Blair replied and they fell asleep.

When Blair woke up, he had no warm body next to him. He was in the cold apartment, alone. He started sobbing. He had dreamed the entire thing. Jim didn't love him and there would be no life with him.

As he lay there crying, he heard a knock at the front door. Blair pulled himself together and answered the door. It was Jim, looking like he hadn't slept in a week.

"Chief, I have something to tell you."

"Okay, come on in."

"Shit, it's cold in here. How can you sleep when it's this cold?"

"That's what you came to ask me, Jim?"

"Oh no, sorry. I wanted to know if you'd move back home and if you'd like to start dating?"

"Dating you?"

"No, Chief, I meant the neighbor. Of course I meant me."

"Yeah, I can do that. Why are you asking now?"

"Because, Chief, in my dream last night you asked me things and I promised to not do something. I had to follow through with this dream."

"Jim, can I move back home now? I missed you so much. When I get there I'm making a list of things I missed and wish for Christmas and I want you to do the same."

"Sounds good to me, Chief. Let's go home." Jim said as he pulled Blair towards the front door.

Once they got to the loft, Blair gave a paper to Jim and said, "Start, Tough Guy. I want your list and then we'll talk."

"So... this is our wish list, right?"

"Yup. So let's hear it from the boy."

"Funny, Chief, very funny. Okay, I'm writing." Jim started making his list and Blair did the same.

After about an hour, they both declared that they were done and Blair said, "Now hand your paper over to me and I'll hand mine to you. We get to read out loud what the other wishes for."

Jim handed him his paper and said, "Here you go, Chief."

"Thanks, Man, I'll read yours first." Blair said almost panicking about this.

All That Jim Wishes For:

I wish I could hold Blair.
I wish I could have Blair in my life at work.
I wish I could have Blair in my life at home.
I wish I could have Blair in my bed at home.
I wish I could have Blair return my love.
I wish I would never hurt Blair in any way, shape or form.
I wish I could have Blair want no one besides me from now on.
I wish I could be able to make Blair happy.
I wish I could treat Blair better than he's ever been treated.
I wish I could tell Blair how much I need him.
I wish I could tell Blair how much I love him.
I wish I could tell Blair how much I adore him.
I wish I would never fight with Blair again.
I wish I could be able to see him by my side for the rest of my days .

Jim looked over at Blair as he finished reading the note and Blair was wiping tears from his face. Jim picked up his note from Blair and began reading.

All That Blair Wishes For:

I wish I could take back all the cruel things I said to Jim.
I wish I could treat Jim with nothing but respect from this day on.
I wish I could be held in Jim's arms day and night whenever I wanted him to.
I wish that Jim needed me.
I wish that Jim wanted me.
I wish that Jim loved me.
I wish that we would never leave each other.
I wish Jim could know how much he means to me.
I wish I could hold Jim in my arms right now.
I wish I could kiss Jim.
I wish I could make love to Jim.
I wish that Jim would make love to me.
I wish Jim would kiss me.
I wish I could make all of Jim's dreams come true.

Now Jim was wiping tears from his face as he pulled Blair into his arms and said, "How about we go up and go to sleep for awhile. Just sleep."

"When we get up, could we decorate the house for the holidays? Can we be like a real family?" Blair asked as they headed up the stairs.

"Blair, I love you more than you'll ever know."

"Well, it would seem that we feel exactly the same way about each other. From now on, we'll talk. Right?"

"Right. Come on, Chief, time to go to sleep."

As they undressed and crawled into bed, Blair wondered why they didn't want each other sexually. But then he saw how tired he was and figured that Jim was the same way. It could wait till they woke up.

The two angels stood in the corner of the room with tears running down their faces. "I told you this would work out. I knew that they belonged together."

"And you were right. They are quite a beautiful sight. Thank God, they were both given a chance to change things."

And as they slowly started disappearing they smiled again looking at the two men sound asleep in each other's arms.

Merry Christmas to everyone.

The end