Title: A reason to live

Author/ pseudonym: Morgana.

Fandom: The Sentinel.

Parings: Blair/ Jim.

Rating: PG.

Status: Complete.

Archive: Yes.

E-mail address for feedback: morganalebeau@yahoo.com

Series/Sequel: Stand-alone story.

Disclaimer: The Sentinel is a creation by Danny Bilson and Paul DeMeo and belongs to Paramount Pictures, Pet Fly Productions & UPN.

Summary; After Blair drowned in the fountain he lacks a reason to live.

Spoilers; this story takes place after Sentinel too, part 2.

Notes: //... // depicts thoughts.

"You let him die!"

The words cut through his soul and startled, Jim sat upright in his bed. Drenched in sweat, he tried to calm down this breathing, but it wasn't working. His head throbbed and the voice continued to whisper the same words over and over again. He couldn't escape.

"You let him die!"

This time the whispered words made him flinch. "I didn't know!" he exclaimed. Once he'd escaped Alex's clutches Megan and he had driven to Rainier to check on Blair. Oh God, he would never forget discovering Blair in the fountain, face down and drowned. That horrible image would torment him the rest of his life.

"I tried to get there in time!" he defended himself against the voice in his head. "I didn't know that she was going after him until it was too late!"

"*You let him die*!"

The words were drenched in an odd mix of hate and regret and it sounded like a woman's voice. "It did my best!" But it hadn't been enough.

Jim threw back the comforter and got to his feet. As he paced his bedroom, he remembered the stricken faces of his friends as they'd dragged Blair from the water. Sandburg had long stopped breathing and when he'd bent down to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, he'd unsuccessfully searched for Blair's heartbeat.

"I didn't let him die!" he said defensively. "I brought him back!" The EMT had given up on Blair, but he wouldn't. He couldn't lose Blair Sandburg and had refused to believe that it was actually happening.

As he'd looked at Blair's emotionless face, he'd mentally screamed out in pain. //This can't be happening…// he'd repeated the words the entire time. Blair dying had been so wrong. Blair deserved to live a full and rich life and then Alex Barnes had come along. An insane woman who'd abused her heightened senses to kill Blair.

"I brought Blair back!" he repeated, as if to convince himself that the voice was wrong and that he hadn't let Blair die. He vividly remembered Incacha's face, guiding him, telling him what he had to do to bring Blair back from the dead.

He'd used the power of his spirit guide to travel to the spirit plane and his heart had missed several beats when he'd caught sight of the wolf running away from him. Instinctively, he'd known that the wolf was Blair and that his partner was leaving him behind because Blair didn't have a reason to come back.

His own spirit guide had growled in anger and the black jaguar had taken up pursuit, growling, calling the wolf to stop running away and turn around. The jaguar had cried out in pleasure when the wolf had listened, had given in to the demand. The wolf had run towards him and when they'd leapt towards each other, Jim had finally realized what he had to do.

The animals' bodies had merged, had melted together. For one eternal instant he'd been the wolf, had truly seen Blair's devotion and dedication to him and in the background, Blair's love. He'd pushed that new awareness away though; terrified that Blair's love would consume him and leave nothing of him.

The truth was that Blair's love frightened him. He'd seen how strong it was and no way he could return such love.

Jim descended the stairs and headed for the kitchen. His answering machine blinked and he pressed play.

"Jim? It's Simon. We've got a lead on Alex Barnes. Pack your bag. We're going to Sierra Verde! Meet me at the airport at 1 AM."

At last! Jim shook off his melancholy and set aside his musings. Blair was safely tucked away in the hospital and getting the medical attention he needed.

Jim returned to his bedroom and started packing. He still felt a little guilty because he'd only visited Blair once, but seeing his partner after the merge had overwhelmed him. Blair had looked vulnerable, but coping. Although Jim hated to admit it, he realized that it had to stop here. He had to set Blair free now that he couldn't return that love.

Jim called Simon to let the captain know that he was on his way over to the airport. Simon informed him that their flight was booked and that he should hurry up. But there was one thing Jim had to do before he could leave for Sierra Verde.

Quickly, he dialed Doctor Headson's number. Headson was Blair's physician and Jim needed one last update before leaving Cascade.

Headson answered after a few rings. "Jim? Your partner's asleep," he reassured Ellison. It wasn't the first time that he was treating Sandburg's injuries. "His lungs are weak and congested and we're trying to make sure he doesn't develop any respiratory problems."

Jim couldn't suppress a worried moan. "How's his fever?" During his last call, Headson had told him that Blair had developed a slight fever.

//Your *only* visit!// his conscience chided him.

"We've got the fever under control, Jim. He's getting all the care and medication he needs. Right now, we'll have to give him time. He died," Headson stated flatly. "Blair needs to work through that."

Headson's words once again reminded him of the fact that Blair had indeed died. Blair had been clinically dead for 5 minutes and they'd been damned lucky that there hadn't been any brain damage. The medics had pronounced Blair Sandburg dead!

"Blair's in the best hands, Jim. You know that." Headson remembered the first time he'd treated Blair, when Sandburg had overdosed on Golden. "But Blair did ask if you were going to visit him again," Headson added thoughtfully. "He needs your support."

"I can't. Not right now. I'm leaving the country on police business." It certainly sounded like a lame excuse. He was fleeing.

"Well, maybe when you're back," Headson said in a hopeful tone.

"Maybe," Jim replied, feeling distinctly uncomfortable and terminated the connection. His first priority now was Alex Barnes. He had to arrest the mad woman and bring her back to Cascade so she could stand trial.

As he slid behind the wheel of his truck, his face took on determined features. Alex Barnes would never hurt Blair Sandburg again!

///

//Chief, I don't know if I'm ready to take that trip with you.//

Blair stirred, slowly waking up. Jim's words fully impacted as he opened his eyes and found himself in the hospital room. Wearily, he stared at the monitors he was hooked up to. He had to control his heartbeat, make it slow down or one of the nurses would check on him again and he didn't want any company right now.

Composing himself, he closed his eyes. He also tried to lock out the beeping of the monitors. Too bad that the dial didn't work for him.

A solitary tear slipped down his face as he remembered Jim's visit. It had been short and to the point. Although Jim had told him to make sure he got better, those weren't the words that stuck out in his mind.

//Chief, I don't know if I'm ready to take that trip with you.//

Those words however, were burned into his soul. Blair sighed deeply. He'd read between the lines, recognizing the end of their friendship.

"Jim dumped me," he mumbled in a puzzled tone. Blair had always known that it would happen, but had hoped to postpone that event a little longer.

It hurt. Jim had become his entire world, had become his life and now the Sentinel had cut that last tie. Blair involuntarily bit his lip. Jim didn’t need a guide any longer. Jim's actions and measure of control had illustrated that.

Was it the guide's destiny to be dumped and forgotten when the Sentinel had reached control over his senses? Why had he assumed that Jim and he would always be partners? Wishful thinking perhaps? Jim had made his point. Their working relationship was definitely over.

Blair moved slightly in the bed, wincing as his cracked ribs protested the movement. Apparently Simon had broken two ribs when the captain had applied CPR. Blair smiled weakly. He hadn't known Simon cared.

He didn't blame Simon for the injuries, knowing what power housed in that tall body. Simon had tried to bring him back, but it had been Jim who had succeeded in doing that.

Why? Blair still didn't understand why Jim had brought him back. It was obvious that Jim no longer needed him and that the invisible bond that had always tied them had diminished or even disappeared.

He breathed in too deeply and his lungs acted up. Thankfully his cracked lungs hadn't punctured his lungs, but there was still a great deal of discomfort. Breathing was torture and his attempts to draw oxygen into his lungs caused another coughing fit.

The oxygen tube in his nose hissed softly and sudden beeping startled Blair. Shit, now one of the nurses would check on him!

"Blair?" Nurse Daniels, a middle-aged woman, stepped inside. Immediately she checked the readings and the oxygen tube. "Bad dream?" she asked concerned. Blair reminded her of her own son and she shuddered, realizing it could have been her own son lying in this bed. The world wasn't a safe place.

Weakly Blair nodded his head. "What's the time?"

"It's almost 4 in the morning. Do you want a sleeping pill?" But she already knew the answer. Blair would decline. It had taken all her experience to get Blair to swallow the meds he truly needed. She had even been forced to threaten Blair that he would be hooked up to another IV if he didn't take the meds. Blair had eventually given in.

"No," Blair whispered. "But… could you stay for a little while?"

"Sure, honey." She pulled up a chair and sat down. "Want to talk about that dream?"

"I died," Blair said instead, unwilling to discuss Jim's words and he wasn't even going to think about the merge and what that might mean.

"Did you see a tunnel or…?" She gently coaxed him into talking, knowing how important it was that he got it out of his system.

Blair smiled at her. "I saw the jungle."

"The jungle, sweetie?"

"Yes, I was running through the jungle… It felt… good." Another round of coughing overwhelmed him and he held onto her supportive arms while he tried to clear his lungs. "I hate this," he whispered hoarsely.

"It'll get better," she assured him. She checked the bandaged ribs and the drip he was hooked up too. "Do you think you can go back to sleep?"

Blair closed his eyes. "Yes," he replied, but thought, //No!//

"You'll see, honey… you'll feel better in a few weeks. You just need rest." She pulled up the blankets and made sure her patient was warm. She'd quickly realized that Blair always felt cold. "Let me get you another pillow."

Blair managed to sit upright for a moment while she put a second pillow beneath his head.

"Better?" she asked. The angle Blair was now in would make it easier for him to breath.

"Yes, thanks," Blair said and gave her a warm smile. He allowed it when she stroked his hair. She was a mother hen, something Naomi had never been and he gladly accepted her concern and affection.

"Try to sleep, Blair," she said affectionately and patted his hair. "I'm close, you know that, don't you?"

"Yeah," Blair breathed. Her presence soothed him and he fell asleep again.

///

The next morning Blair only reluctantly opened his eyes and groaned in pain. His congested lungs made it even harder to breathe and he was thankful for the oxygen tube.

The first thing he did was scanning the room, hoping to find Jim sitting beside the bed, but the room was empty. Unable to suppress his disappointment, his eyes watered. He'd known Jim wouldn't visit again after setting him loose.

"Blair?" Doctor Headson stepped inside and smiled. "How are you doing today?"

"When can I leave?" Blair asked resigned. He wanted this over with. This ordeal had to end. Jim obviously didn't want him close anymore and his life was meaningless without the Sentinel to give him purpose. Knowing that the trained doctor might pick up on his depressed state, he tried to sound cheerful and optimistic.

"I'm keeping you here for observation a little longer, Blair. I don't like that cough." Headson studied his patient closely and recognized the mask, falling in to place. "Blair? Are you up to some visitors?"

Blair's heart jumped in anticipation. "Jim?"

"No," Headson said softly, disliking the sudden loss of sparkle in Blair's eyes. "It's not Jim."

"Sure, I can handle visitors," Blair managed.

Headson clearly noticed the dull tone in his patient's voice and made a mental note not to release Blair for some days. "I'll call them."

Blair nodded his head, not really interested in his visitors. However, that changed slightly when he recognized the voices.

"Blair!"

"Hairboy!"

Joel and Brown smiled at Blair, but at the same time they noted the paleness to the skin and the sunken eyes. No, Blair didn't look well.

"What are you guys doing here?" Blair managed to speak the entire sentence without a coughing fit due to the oxygen tube, which made things easier. Blair extended his right hand and then opted for the left one instead. An IV was stuck to the back of his right hand.

Joel gently took Blair's hand in his. "Don't you ever frighten us like that again, Blair."

"I'm sorry," Blair mumbled, surprised to feel how hot Joel's hand felt, or was he that cold?

Joel only reluctantly released Blair's hand so Brown could shake it. He'd been concerned before coming to the hospital, but now his worries increased tenfold. Blair looked… empty, like a shell of his former self. Joel sat down in a chair beside the bed and Brown leaned against the wall.

"Looking great, Joel, H," Blair whispered and pressed deeper into the comfort of the mattress. Suddenly, he realized that he liked having company, which kept him from brooding. The dark, depressing thoughts lifted.

"The doc told us that he wants to keep you here," H remarked. "What's the problem? Your lungs?"

"They didn't like the fountain water, H." Mentally, Blair tried to distance himself from the memories, from coming back to life next to the fountain.

"You look a little feverish," Joel stated and deposited the fruit he'd brought on the nightstand. "You're allowed to have fruit?" he asked uncertain.

"Yeah, love bananas," Blair reassured him. A question burned his lips, but he lacked the courage to ask Joel about Jim.

But Joel saw the question in Blair's eyes. "Simon, Megan and Jim left for Sierra Verde. They think Alex Barnes is there." Joel exchanged a concerned glance with H when Blair flinched.

"Jim's in Sierra Verde?" Blair repeated. Well, that explained why Jim hadn't visited him again. But his heart cried. Alex Barnes was dangerous and there was no way of knowing what would happen once the two Sentinels would meet without a guide to help them. "Joel, I've got to go to Sierra Verde."

H reacted at once when Blair struggled to sit up and supported Blair. "Don't do that, Hairboy." He gently lowered Blair back onto the bed. "Don't mess with those broken ribs."

"You don't understand!" Blair exclaimed in frustration.

"What I *do* understand, Blair," Joel said, "is that you're hurt and that the doctor confined you to bed." The tears that simmered in Blair's eyes broke his heart. He'd never told anyone, but he considered Blair family, his son. Feeling protective of the hurt younger man, he clasped Blair's left hand in his.

"Jim can take care of himself," Joel stated. "Simon and Megan are also there with him. They'll look out for him."

//But you don't understand!// Blair thought in despair. //She's a Sentinel and she…// God, he'd seen the attraction between Jim and Alex when he'd taken Jim to her apartment. //Why do I care? I already lost Jim!// he suddenly realized and his body went motionless.

"Joel? Maybe we should leave? Hairboy looks tired." H patted Blair's shoulder and smiled apologetically. "We just wanted to make sure that you were okay, Sandburg."

//Okay?// Blair wondered. //I'll ever be okay again.// But he didn't tell them and instead he thanked the two cops for visiting him. "You gonna visit me again? I got this idea that they'll keep me here for at least a few more days." He didn't even mention that he didn't have a place to stay when he got out of here. That reminded him. "Joel? Would you do me a favor?"

"Sure, Blair," Joel got to his feet, but remained near the bed. Blair's wavering eyes made him apprehensive.

"I was staying at a motel called Freddie's and my things should still be there… but I haven't been paying for the room so now I'm kinda sacred that they threw out my stuff and…"

Joel stopped Blair's raving. "A motel? Why would you stay there?"

Then Blair remembered; Joel didn't know. "Jim kicked me out before… before I died. Said he needed a partner he could trust and that I wasn't it."

The change in Joel's eyes actually spooked Brown. He'd seldom seen such rage in Taggart's eyes.

"Jim kicked you out? That son of a…" Joel composed himself before finishing that sentence. How could Jim not trust Blair? Joel simply didn't understand.

Blair felt guilty. Now Joel was mad with Jim and that was wrong. "You don't understand, Joel. I knew Alex Barnes and I didn't tell Jim about her."

Joel looked at Blair quizzically. "You knew her?"

"She was at the station and we talked. She was interested in… my studies and we talked about Peru and my thesis." That was only a small white lie. They had talked about Sentinels. "But I didn't know that she was a criminal and when I realized the truth it was too late."

"Blair," Joel gently squeezed Blair's hand, which he'd never released. "Why would you tell Jim about a woman you just met? You didn't know she was a criminal."

Joel's words pushed his buttons and Blair failed to control his tears, which now slithered down his cheeks. "If I'd known I would have told him!"

"I know that, Blair." Carefully, Joel sat down on the side of the bed and opened his arms, instinctively recognizing Blair's pain. Cautiously, he folded his arms around Blair as the young man managed to sit up and lean against him. "I'll talk to Jim, explain…"

"No!" Blair exclaimed horrified. "Joel, there's nothing you can do, trust me!" Drained, he had to release Joel and he sank back into the mattress.

Joel saw the panic in Blair's eyes and decided not to push the matter. "Listen, when they release you I want you to stay at my place. It's small, but I've got a guest room. Brown and I'll go after your things."

"Thanks… both of you," Blair said thankfully. He was shaking and sighed heavily as Joel pulled the blankets back in place. Slowly, the cold returned.

///

Joel returned to the hospital the next day. Blair's behavior yesterday had him worried and he wanted to strengthen their relationship. If Jim had truly kicked Blair out, the grad student would feel awfully lost. Ever since Blair had stormed into the precinct he'd quickly become part of the team.

He waved at the nurse as he passed her by and remained standing in the doorway to study Blair. The young man was in bed, staring at the ceiling. The IV had been removed, but the oxygen tube was still there. Sporadically, a wracking cough tormented Blair's lungs.

Joel realized he had every reason to worry about Blair. The grad student looked like he'd lost all reason to live. But Joel wouldn't allow that. He was determined to stand by Blair.

Eventually, Blair grew aware of his visitor and conjured up a beatific smile. "Joel, why are you back?" He liked the bomb squad captain, but surely Joel had better things to do than visit him.

"I plan on visiting you at least once a day," Joel explained and took a seat. "You look a little better." Yes, physically Blair seemed to be recovering, but mentally and emotionally? "Are those ribs still giving you trouble?"

"Yeah," Blair smiled. "The doctor thinks they'll continue to ache for the next few weeks. He ordered bed rest. Can you imagine that? Me, in bed all day?" He tried to act cheerfully, hoping Joel wouldn't see through the pretence.

"Blair, the doctor knows best. Stay in bed and rest." Joel uncovered the bagels he'd brought along, knowing Blair liked them. "Do you want one?"

"Cream cheese?" Blair asked, suddenly interested in the food. The hospital food was gross.

Joel grinned and presented the cream cheese bagel to Blair, who quickly snatched it away and dug into it. Amused, Joel nodded his head. This was more like it. "Did the doctor already tell you when you could leave?" He planned on picking Blair up and taking him home. The guest room had been cleaned and the sheets renewed. It had been ages since Joel had had a guest.

"The day after tomorrow," Blair informed Joel in between bites. "Man, this is divine!" He devoured the bagel and cocked his head, wondering if Joel was hiding more bagels. "What day is it today?" Blair honestly didn't know.

"It's Friday, Blair," Joel said gently. "They'll release you Sunday morning?"

"Yeah, looks like it." Blair didn't add where he was going. "Did you manage to get my stuff from the motel?"

"Yes, Henry and I got your boxes. They're stored in my basement. I hope that's okay?"

"Just fine, man," Blair said thankfully. Hesitantly, he looked up at Joel. "Have you heard from Jim?"

"Yes, but they're still in Sierra Verde. Last time I spoke Simon they had a lead on Alex Barnes. They won't be back for a few more days." Joel patted the back of Blair's left hand. "Jim's okay," he said reassuringly.

"I hope so," Blair whispered in a tiny tone. He had to try and forget about Jim. Best way to do that was to focus on something else. "So, how are things at the station?"

///

On Sunday morning Blair fell into deep depression. Nurse Daniels had packed his few things and was now getting the wheelchair. The oxygen tube had been removed and although his lungs still hurt, he could breathe completely on his own again.

Doctor Headson had Blair's prescriptions filled and the vials were now in the duffle bag, which Rafe had dropped off yesterday. Rafe's visit had surprised Blair, but talking to Rafe had distracted him. However, now his brooding mood was back.

Blair stared down at the sweats he was wearing. Brown had searched the boxes and had brought the sweats and a pair of sneakers last night. The clothes he'd worn when he'd been found in the fountain were gross and smelled of chloride.

"Who's picking you up, sweetie?" Nurse Daniels inquired. If she'd been in charge, Blair wouldn't be released this soon. She'd want to keep a close eye on him.

"I don't know," Blair admitted shyly. "Could you call a cab?" Joel had teasingly assured Blair that he would take the grad student home, but Blair no longer trusted that easily any longer. Joel wouldn't come for him. //Jim kicked me out so why would Joel put up with me?//

"Blair, honey… you can't be alone right now." She was even tempted to call her son to pick Blair up so the grad student could stay at her place, but she didn't have any extra room.

"I want to be alone," Blair maintained. However, he failed to hide how miserable he felt. He still hoped that Jim would miraculously show up and take him back to the loft, but that wouldn't happen.

Nurse Daniels helped Blair in to the wheelchair. She shook her head. Maybe she should contact doctor Headson to prevent Blair from leaving. She didn't want to hear that Blair had been brought in after a suicide attempt. Blair's eyes were an open book for everyone who wanted to see the truth.

"Looks like you're ready to go, Blair!" Joel said cheerfully. When he'd arrived, he'd also seen the depressed expression and he knew he had to be extremely careful if he wanted Blair to accept his help. "What about some chilli tonight? I can buy some ostrich meat!"

Blair smiled in spite of his dark mood. "Joel?" What was the bomb squad captain doing here? Joel turned out to be a very determined man!

"I can do that," Joel said and waved away the nurse. "My car's parked right in front of the exit." He smiled at Blair, relishing the sudden stunned expression in those blue eyes and pushed the wheelchair. "Are you okay? Cold perhaps?" Joel noticed the way Blair clutched the blanket, like the grad student's life depended on it.

Blair remained quiet as Joel pushed the wheelchair through corridors, in to elevators and crowds of visitors. He was still trying to accept that Joel had come to take him home. "Are they still in Sierra Verde?" Blair didn't know what answer he wanted to hear. No, hearing Jim was back home and not coming to take him to the loft was definitely worse.

Joel pushed the wheelchair outside and considered his answer. As they reached his car, he assisted Blair in getting onto the passenger's seat. Blair's breathing was laboured and his lungs audibly congested. "They caught Alex Barnes," he said eventually as he took his seat behind the wheel.

"How?" Blair stared at his hands, which rested idly in his lap.

"It happened at some sort of temple. Apparently Alex Barnes had an episode… and she's catatonic now. She'll be taken to a hospital where she'll be cared for." Joel rested a hand on Blair's shoulder. "She can't hurt you any longer."

Blair simply nodded his head, accepting the news for truth, not demanding proof. "And when will they be back?"

"Simon estimated Monday morning. He asked me to pick them up at the airport. Maybe, if you feel up to it, you can come along?" Joel suggested as he started the engine.

But Blair resolutely shook his head. "No, that's not a good idea. I better stay… at your place."

Joel sighed; this wasn't going well. Blair was shutting himself off, not letting him in. Joel wondered if he would be able to get through to the grad student.

They drove in silence. Only the music from the radio echoed through the car. Joel watched Blair closely and just before he pulled up into the driveway, he saw Blair nod off.

He parked the car and then walked up to the house to open the door. Joel returned to the car and gently pulled Blair on to his feet. "Blair? Wake up."

"Huh?" Blair mumbled and his eyes slowly opened. "Joel? Where am I? Why are you here?" His mind was still foggy and tried to take in his surroundings. What were they doing at Joel's place? He'd been here once before, when Joel had hosted a poker game.

"Let's get you inside. Can you walk? I rather not carry you, might put too much pressure on your ribs." Joel guided him inside and closed the door behind him. "Home sweet home. Let me show you your room."

"My room?" Blair woke up fully and realized they were heading to the back of the house. Next to the living room was a guest room. His eyes nearly watered when he found that Joel had unpacked some of his boxes. Tribal masks had been placed on the windowsill, books and his notebooks lay on the nightstand and his clothes had also been unpacked. It almost felt like coming home. The only problem was that he'd wanted to come home to the loft instead.

Feeling guilty for thinking like that he clasped Joel's right hand in his. "Thanks, this is great."

"You're welcome, Blair." Joel guided Blair to the bed and urged him to lie down.

Blair smiled recognizing his own blankets, which he'd received as a parting gift from a tribe in Central Africa. Yeah, he did feel comfortable staying here. He allowed Joel to drape the blankets over his body and snuggled deeper into the mattress. "Nice bed," he complimented his friend. "Soft mattress."

Joel laughed warmly. "Why don't you rest while I prepare dinner? It won't be anything fancy, but it'll feed an empty stomach."

//Like I'm hungry! Not!// Blair thought, suddenly depressed again. He longed for Jim's company, but knew he wouldn't get it. "Sounds like a plan," he told Joel and realized it would be hard to carry out his plan with Joel close. //I don't know why he bothers to look after me.// Blair realized that something was wrong, that depression was getting the better of him, but couldn't stop it. He desperately wanted to return to the nothingness, that void, which he'd felt before the jungle had materialized around him.

His body was broken, his mind tired and life meaningless. The more he thought about it, the more convinced he became that Jim had made a mistake in bringing him back. The Sentinel shouldn't have interfered. There was no reason for Jim to bring him back. After all, Jim had clearly told him that he didn't want to take that trip with him.

Worried, Joel left the door ajar so he would hear Blair move about or getting out of bed. He also feared that nightmares would torment Blair. Doctor Headson had told him that Blair suffered from nightmares since he'd been brought in. He headed for the kitchen and hoped he would be able to coax Blair into eating later.

///

Blair had fallen asleep and in his nightmares he relived the merge. Felt the jaguar move through him, become him. A startled scream died on his lips before it had been born and Blair clenched his eyes tightly shut. He didn't know why Jim and he had merged, but knew their souls had been brought together, had passed through each other, leaving him lonely and acting.

"I can't do this," Blair whispered. "I don't want to live like this."

An angry growl made his eyes flash open. He followed the echo of the growl and cocked his head. His breath caught. In the corner of the room sat the black jaguar, which he now knew intimately. He knew how it felt to be that jaguar, be inside the cat's body. "You're beautiful," he whispered, surprising himself because of his lack of fear. The jaguar was truly a majestic feline.

Blair watched as the big cat approached his bed. "Hello there…" he whispered taken aback as the cat rested its head on the side of the bed. "Back again this soon? Are you here to say goodbye?"

Watching the cat closely, Blair smiled melancholy. "You shouldn't have helped Jim to bring me back. It was all for nothing." Hesitantly, he raised his right hand and patted the satin like fur. "What did you feel when we merged? What did Jim feel? I guess I'll never know."

The cat took a few steps back and watched Blair quizzically.

"It's okay for me to die now and you know why? Jim can handle his senses. He needs his life back."

"Blair? Whom are you talking to?" Worried, Joel strode inside.

Blair's glance shifted and suddenly he realized that the jaguar had disappeared. Saddened, he wondered why. The spirit guide's presence had really soothed him.

"Don't worry about it, man. I do that all the time, talking out loud." Blair tried to give Joel a reassuring smile, but doubted it worked. "What's for dinner?" he inquired, eager to distract Joel.

"No, I didn't make chilli!" Joel said cheerfully. "We better go easy on your stomach, Blair. We'll have some soup and sandwiches. Does that sound all right?"

Blair nodded his head. "I better get to my feet then."

"Are you sure you're up to that? I can bring the food in here," Joel offered. He didn't want Blair to keel over due to exhaustion. The trip from the hospital had already taken a lot out of the young man.

"I need to go to the bathroom too, Joel," Blair said slightly embarrassed. Joel probably had never realized he would have to play nurse during his recovery.

"Let's do it then," Joel said gently. He pulled back the blankets and saw Blair shiver. However, he didn't comment on it, as he didn't want Blair to feel embarrassed. Gently, he hoisted Blair to his feet and supported him as they made their way to the bathroom. Joel reluctantly released Blair when the young man went inside. He hoped Blair would call should he faint.

After returning to the kitchen, Joel filled their soup bowls with some nice tomato soup, which he'd spiced up just a little. The sandwiches were already on the table and he filled their glasses with OJ. This was a relatively light meal for Joel Taggart, but he smiled, knowing he should lose a little weight. Back then, Blair had told him not to eat the whole bird when he'd dug into that chilli.

"Joel?"

Blair's soft voice caught his attention and as Joel hurried back to the bathroom he found Blair leaning heavily against the wall. Blair's arms were wrapped around his waist and the young student was panting slightly, trying not to burst out in to a coughing fit.

"Don't breathe in too deeply," Joel adviced. "Broken ribs hurt like hell, don't they?"

Blair managed a brief smile. "Have you had any too?"

"Yes, when I just started out on the force. One of the crooks beat me up. I was still a rookie back then." Joel steadied Blair and walked him to the kitchen. "Sit down," he ordered gently.

Blair looked about. It was the strangest thing to find himself in Joel's kitchen. He still wished he were back at the loft, sitting at Jim's kitchen table, watching the Sentinel prepare dinner. But it would never happen again. "You didn't have to go through all this trouble, man."

"But I want to," Joel clarified. "Please eat something. You've lost weight."

Although he wasn't really hungry Blair ate the soup. "Why? Why do you want to do that?" Joel had always been friendly towards him, but this surprised Blair.

Joel only smiled, not offering an answer. "We shouldn't forget your medication." He got to his feet and retrieved the vials. Joel placed two pills in front of Blair. "You're supposed to take them during dinner."

If it had been Jim telling him to take them, Blair would have objected, but it was Joel and he had a weak spot for Taggart, so he swallowed them obediently. "Gross, man…" he said chokingly, indicating their bright yellow and green colors. "I need some water to wash that down."

Joel refilled Blair's glass. "I'll have to go in tomorrow, but I should be home at 6 PM. I'll bring some take out. Any preference?"

"I love Greek food," Blair admitted, wondering why he was opening up like this while he'd been determined to shut out the world. It probably was Joel's kindness.

As Blair's eyes drifted through the kitchen he also caught a glimpse of a framed photograph. Curiously, but unwilling to invade Joel's privacy, he studied the picture. The man holding the woman could have been Joel when he had been 30.

Joel caught Blair's look and realized questions would follow. Maybe he should simply get it over with and tell Blair why he wanted to take care of him.

"Is that you?" Blair hesitantly pointed out the picture. Joel was a lot thinner and even muscular. The woman was petite and had a caring smile.

"Yes, we'd just gotten married." Joel's heart hurt as he started to remember. "Alice and I were happy."

"Alice is your wife?" Blair's brow grew knitted. Joel didn't wear a ring and had never mentioned Alice before.

"Was."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Joel." Blair quickly apologized, recognizing the old pain in Joel's eyes. "I didn't know…" But Joel's expression silenced him.

"It's okay, Blair. Really it is." Joel leaned back in the chair and locked eyes with Blair. "She died 20 years… died in childbirth." Blair's eyes revealed compassion and shared pain. Joel's smile was sad. "She was pregnant with our child. We wanted a son."

"That's… I'm sorry she died," Blair offered at a loss. He felt bad for not having known this. What kind of friend was he when he didn't even know his friend was hurting?

But Joel realized what had happened and took hold of Blair's hand. "I don't go around telling people. Only Simon knows and now you do."

"Why tell me?" Blair persisted, ignoring his fatigue. His eyes were almost dropping shut, but he wouldn’t give in.

"Blair… if my son had lived I would have wanted him to be like you." Joel watched Blair closely, knowing what impact those words would have.

"I don't know my father," Blair blurted out. "Naomi told me he split when he found out that she was pregnant."

Joel felt strangely pleased, realizing Blair was confiding in him. "Maybe we can make a deal here? I need someone to look after… to see what my son could have been like if he had lived and you sound like you could use a father…" Joel held his breath. He'd never planned on telling Blair.

"You would have made a great dad, Joel," Blair stated, "But don't waste your time on me." Blair averted his eyes. //I'll be gone soon anyway.// Joel shouldn't grow attached to him. He didn't know yet how he was going to end it, but those vials looked promising.

"Waste my time? Waste it?" Alarmed, Joel cupped Blair's chin in the palm of his hand. "What aren't you telling me?" He smelled danger, smelled the threat.

"I'm not a good friend, or son, Joel. I betrayed Jim… don't want to hurt you too." Blair didn't think he would survive disappointing Joel.

"You let me be the judge of that!" Joel stated determined. "We should get you back into bed. Looks like the medication's messing with your head."

Blair cringed inwardly. Joel didn't know what a bastard he really was. Because of him, Jim had almost died. He'd deserved to die at Alex's hands. Rational thinking gone, depression took over. "Yeah, maybe I should get back to bed." Then Joel would leave him alone to brood.

Joel helped Blair back to his room and gently lowered the young man onto the bed. "Take a nap, Blair. I might not be here when you wake up. I need to get some groceries and maybe even drop by the station for a short while."

"That's okay, man. Just ignore me." Pleasant warmth snaked through his veins. The medication was unfolding its affect, quickly making him dizzy. He released a huge yawn and relaxed. "Nice soft mattress," he said absentmindedly.

"Glad you approve, Blair." Joel smiled fondly and ruffled the locks. "We’ll talk later."

///

Jim continued to stare at the information boards. Their flight was delayed and impatiently he tapped his right foot. He tried hard to ignore Megan's stare. Sometime during their stay in Sierra Verde she had figured things out and eventually Simon had clued her in. Jim didn't like it one bit that she now knew that he was a Sentinel. Only Blair and Simon were supposed to know.

Thinking Blair's name caused pain in his chest. His heart contracted involuntarily. Simon had kept in touch with Joel and Jim had felt grateful, hearing that Taggart was keeping an eye on Blair. But then he'd learned that Blair had gone to Taggart's place instead of the loft to rest.

A small part of him had still hoped that Blair would somehow figure out a way to keep working and even living together. Jim had mixed feelings about Blair. On one side he desperately wanted his partner close, even needed Blair to pull him from zone-outs and to make every day life bearable, but on the other side Jim knew that he couldn't return Blair's love. If only he hadn't seen that blinding love during the merge. A love, which Blair must have hidden for a long time. How long? Jim wondered when friendship had turned into love on Blair's part.

This line of thought made Jim uncomfortable. He'd always assumed that Blair was straight. Blair had only flirted with women and never men, so how come the grad student had a crush on him? He had to give Blair credit for hiding it so well. If it hadn't been for the merge, he would never have known.

Blair deserved someone who could and would love him back and Jim wasn't that person. It was best to cut all strings between them and Blair moving in with Joel was a good start.

"Jim? Are you still with me?" Worried, Simon sat down beside him and handed Jim a mug filled with steaming coffee. These last few days had been hell. Jim had gone off to the temple on his own and it had taken all of his cunning to get Jim and Megan out of there in one piece. Simon still vividly remembered Jim and Alex kissing, while he and Megan had been tied up and kneeling on the floor. He'd been terribly relieved that Blair had been spared that sight.

Since then Jim had tried to explain to them what had happened in that grotto, but both Simon and Megan had a hard time dealing with it. They'd found Jim making out with the woman who'd killed Sandburg.

Megan joined them, her thoughts going in similar lines. Sandy would be able to explain Jim's actions, but right now she still felt angry with Jim for kissing Alex Barnes. That insane woman had tried to kill Jim as well and still Jim had wrapped his arms around Barnes and kissed her.

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Simon and Jim's friendship was strained right now and Megan was afraid of ending up ranting because of Jim's actions in the temple, so she bit her lip to keep quiet.

Luckily another announcement came up and their plane was ready to be boarded.

"Let's move," Simon stated and waited for them to get to their feet as well. "In a few hours we'll be back in Cascade and you better talk things through with Sandburg!"

Jim didn't react verbally, but sipped from his coffee.

Concerned, Megan watched the two men in front of her. Something was wrong with Jim and it was time someone found out.

///

Joel had only returned home one hour ago and now he had to leave again. They had an emergency situation; a madman threatened to blow up a bank in the center of town and his presence was required. But before he left, he checked one more time on Blair.

He found Blair awake, staring at the ceiling. "I'm sorry, Blair, but we've got a situation."

"I heard you on the phone," Blair told Joel. "What are you still doing here? Get going, man!"

"You'll stay in bed and rest… Please Blair? He feared that the moment he turned his back, Blair would leave. Joel had even put the vials into his safe, as he didn't trust Blair with them. Something in those blue eyes told him to be careful.

"I'll rest," Blair promised reluctantly, remembering Joel's admission about Alice and their unborn son. He'd never thought Joel wanted to 'adopt' him, but it was a comforting thought. His own father hadn't wanted anything to do with him and Joel, a man he'd known for only a few years, wanted him as his son!

"Be careful out there, Joel," Blair said softly, giving Joel a genuine smile.

"I always am," Joel reassured him. "Now get more sleep."

Blair closed his eyes, still a hint of a smile visible around his lips. Maybe he would be able to sleep some more. He listened to Joel's fading footfalls and then the door closed behind Taggart.

The sound of the door closing suddenly slammed into him. Feeling tired and alone he tried to curl up in bed, but the ribs hampered him. Luckily the coughing was growing less and his lungs felt less congested. Had to be the medication and Joel's good care.

Loneliness sliced through him. He'd never realized how much he'd gotten used to having Jim around. The Sentinel had grounded him, had made him feel needed and now he was useless all of a sudden. It hurt.

He'd seen Joel lock away the meds, which had told him that the bomb squad captain suspected he had thoughts about ending it all. He would have to find another way. Maybe later, when he could move about on his own, he could go outside and find a huge building, but with his 'luck' he would run into a psychopath who would kill him first. In the past Jim had been there to stop the wackos but the Sentinel wouldn't be near this time. Blair even counted on Jim not being there!

Blair had briefly closed his eyes, but at the sound of an angry growl, they opened again. The black jaguar was back. Its teeth were bared and Blair could have sworn that he saw a pissed off expression in those yellow eyes.

The jaguar stalked closer and only stopped when it had reached the bed. "Back again?" Blair inquired curiously. The jaguar didn't scare him. His hands itched to bury themselves in the fur. "Miss me?"

Blair sucked in his breath when the jaguar's eyes changed into Jim's. Its entire form trembled and then started to change. The paws gave way to hands, the jaguar's head took on human form and before Blair realized what had happened, Jim was staring back at him. But this Jim was wearing war paint, a bandana wrapped around his head and military camouflage clothes completed the look.

Wavering, Blair finally made eye contact and his breath escaped with an audible sigh. It was the eyes. Those blue eyes were serene, spoke of knowledge and wisdom. "Who are you?" Blair whispered stunned. This wasn't *his* Jim Ellison. He'd never seen such calm in the cop's eyes.

"I'm Jim's spirit guide," the apparition said in a gentle tone and moved closer until he sat down on the side of the bed.

Stunned, Blair stared into those blue eyes. He'd hoped to see such serenity in Jim's eyes just once, but the detective had never felt at peace with the world.

"Why don't you call me Jimmy?" the spirit guide suggested.

"Why are you here?" Blair didn't know what he felt. So many feelings were moving through him; fear, excitement, apprehension, love and there was even a hint of lust.

"Because you need me and your Sentinel isn't here." The spirit guide raised his right hand and confidently caressed a lock of Blair's hair.

Blair trembled at the contact. "I don't understand."

"The wolf and the jaguar merged. Guide and Sentinel merged," the spirit guide offered, certain that Blair would understand.

A melancholy smile appeared on Blair's face. "The merge… it was… I've never felt anything like that."

The spirit guide returned that smile, welcoming the interest. "You need to be held."

"Huh?" Blair thought he'd misheard.

"Move over…" The spirit guide lay down behind him, spooning up to Blair. "This is better."

"It is?" Blair tried to control his panting. Suddenly, the room's temperature seemed raised, now that a *warm* body rested behind him. "How come I can feel you?"

"To you I'm real." The spirit guide folded his arms around his charge and pulled Blair to his chest. "I'm sorry the Sentinel is so… dumb and repressed."

That made Blair grin. "Oh yeah. He's certainly repressed, but I wouldn't call him dumb." Suddenly, it fully hit him that Jim's spirit guide was holding him and he struggled to free himself from those arms. He felt like he was cheating on Jim.

"Don't," the spirit guide chided him. "I'm here to help you heal."

"Help me heal?" It took most of Blair's strength, but he managed to turn onto his other side, so he was now facing the spirit guide. "Look, I don't want to…"

"You want to die," the spirit guide said saddened. "I can't allow that."

"Why not?" Blair squirmed in the strong arms and mesmerized he watched the muscles flex. If only this was the real thing! "Jim doesn't want me!"

"No," the spirit guide corrected him. "He fears he can't return your love."

"My love?" Blair searched those heavily blue eyes. "I never told him I loved him!"

"He realized it during the merge."

"Oh shit," Blair cursed. "I never wanted him to find out!"

"Why not?" The spirit guide tucked Blair's head beneath his chin. "Why keep it a secret?"

"Jim doesn't like men!" Blair wished he possessed enough strength to free himself from those arms, but resting in them felt too good.

"How do you know? Did you ever ask Jim?"

Blair's eyes widened. "I can't ask him whether he likes men!"

"For someone so wise, you can be stubborn." The spirit guide tenderly stroked Blair's back. "Talk to him."

"I can't. He's still in Sierra Verde and he has to make the first move. I can't."

The spirit guide tightened his hold on Blair. "You're considering ending your life…"

Tremors shook Blair's body. "How do you know?"

"I just do."

"You know… there's not really a point in staying alive. Jim no longer needs… wants me and… I do need and want him."

The spirit guide nodded his head, softly tangling his fingers in Blair's hair. "I know you need him and I hope that Jim will realize how badly he needs and wants you too. Blair," he raised Blair's chin with his hand. "Promise me to wait a little longer. Don't take your life yet."

Blair sighed. "I can't do anything right now anyway. Joel… I think he knows."

"Good," the spirit guide's smile brightened. "Maybe I can talk some sense into Jim Ellison."

"NO!" Blair exclaimed agitated. "Don't talk to him!"

The spirit guide watched Blair, puzzled and slightly confused. He hadn't thought that Blair's death wish was this strong.

"I couldn't take it should he… should Jim say no…"

"I understand," the spirit guide assured Blair. "But you've got to trust me. I'm bound to guide Jim and to protect you."

Blair considered objecting again, but one look at the spirit guide's eyes told him that he would lose this battle of wills. "Just don't push him and if he says no, don't tell me."

The spirit guide smiled. "Let me take care of this. I've guided Sentinels and Shamans for centuries…"

Blair gave up and closed his eyes. Talking had drained him. "It's nice that you're here, holding me," he whispered before dozing off.

"Sleep, Blair, you need the rest. Let us take care of this." His eyes traveled to the corner of the room where a wolf appeared out of nothing. "We've got work to do," he told his mate.

///

Jim dropped his duffle bag onto the floor, ignoring his own rules. He'd chided Blair for doing the same thing, but now it no longer mattered. He sank onto the couch and took in the empty loft. Most things were still in the basement. He barely remembered clearing out the loft, but at that moment he'd needed clarity and the furniture had distracted from that.

Getting to his feet, he walked over to Blair's room. Only the futon had remained behind, all other things were gone. The room echoed the emptiness of his heart and he wished Blair had come back home after he'd been released from the hospital.

Why had Blair agreed to stay at Joel's place? Jim considered the question. One possibility was that Blair didn't want to return here after all that had happened and he couldn't blame Blair.

"The things I said…" Jim mumbled softly. He'd told Blair that he no longer trusted the anthropologist, which had been a lie. He completely trusted Blair with his life. Simon came second and Joel third. "I should never have said that."

But it was too late now and the words couldn't be taken back. Blair had heard and had acted on them. Jim sat down on the futon. Maybe Joel's place had been a sanctuary and that was why Blair had gone with Taggart?

What if… "What if he thinks I don't want him here?" Now there was a new possibility that he hadn't considered yet. He had kicked Blair out when the pressure had become too much. The need to protect Blair, to keep distance between them had guided him, but there had also been the anger that Blair had turned to another Sentinel.

"Oh my God," he stuttered in sudden apprehension. Had he been jealous?

Too tired to unpack his duffle bag, he started to climb the stairs. He had a lot of thinking to do and Blair was safe with Joel, no need to act now and call Blair immediately.

"Grrr…"

The growl took him completely by surprise, as his senses hadn't picked up on an intruder. One more step and he had reached his bedroom. His eyes grew big as he saw the wolf on his bed. Its teeth bared, it radiated annoyance and anger.

Jim suddenly recognized the wolf. He'd seen the same canine in his vision when he'd chased Blair on the spirit plane. "Hey, down boy," Jim said softly and the wolf got to his feet, ready to jump. "Calm down, boy." But the wolf's eyes flashed angrily and it leapt from the bed and impacted hard against his chest.

Thrown off balance, Jim fell and landed flat on his back. The wolf stood over him, teeth brushing his throat. Jim tried to control his breathing, but the anger in the animal's eyes startled him. The wolf raised it front paw and ran it over Jim's face, leaving some shallow scratches.

Jim realized that he was in danger. For some reason Blair's animal spirit was ready to rip out his throat. "Please," he pleaded.

The wolf's eyes suddenly turned blue and Jim held his breath as the canine's body changed into Blair's. But this wasn't *his* Blair. Dressed in the regalia of a Chopec Shaman, lucid blue eyes stared down at him. The spirit guide pinned him down to the floor and Jim was helpless to fight it. The spirit guide was stronger than it looked, effortlessly holding him in place.

"What do you want?" Jim said eventually, trying to ignore the insane pounding of his heart. The spirit guide looked like Blair, but didn't smell like him. It served to remind him whom he was dealing with.

"You no longer want Blair?"

Jim cursed softly. Even the spirit guide's voice sounded like Blair's!

"You don't understand! After the merge…" Jim felt at a loss. How to explain his own confusion?

"You sent him away and shut him out."

"Yes," Jim admitted. "It was the wrong thing to do."

The spirit guide nodded his head, but didn't release the Sentinel. "Blair needs you and you need him."

Jim wanted to object, but a second shadow separated from the wall and suddenly he stared into the eyes of the spirit guide he'd seen when he'd gone after Simon and Daryl. "Why are you here? What do you want?"

Jim's spirit guide shook his head. He'd known that the Shaman was angry but had to soothe his mate now. "Don't, let him get to his feet and then we can talk." He extended his hand and offered it to the Shaman.

Blair's spirit guide considered the request and then gave in. He allowed his mate to pull him to his feet. However, he remained angry and glared at Jim.

Jim swallowed hard. If looks could kill he would have been dead by now. He'd never before seen such venom in Blair's blue eyes. It was so out of place.

"You're letting Blair die," Jim's spirit guide insisted.

Jim jumped to his feet now that the Shaman had let go. "I'm not!" Jim stated vehemently.

"You told him to leave. You rejected him!" the Shaman spat angrily.

Jim looked at them, feeling helplessly. "When we merged I saw the true Blair for the first time. He once said that it was about friendship, but… he loves me."

"As it should be!" the Shaman exclaimed annoyed.

"You're wrong," Jim said dismissively. "I don't love him. I'm setting him free so he's no longer bound to me."

Jim's spirit guide hissed his annoyance. "When we merged, you claimed him as your mate. Blair came back and accepted you as his mate. Now that you…" he stopped, seeing Jim's stunned expression.

"What did you say? I claimed him?" Jim slowly paced the bedroom, still trying to accept that both spirit guides were here talking to him.

"The merge is an ancient and holy ritual. When the Sentinel sends out the call and the guide answers, they become one," the Shaman explained. "But now that you're cutting us off, you're killing us!"

"And I don't want to lose my mate," Jim's spirit guide stated.

"I don't get it," Jim whispered. Why would Blair's spirit guide be dying?

"When Blair dies, I'll stop to exist as well!" The Shaman turned and marched into Jim's direction. "Admit you love him and our spirits will remain strong and alive!"

"But I don't love Blair!" Jim stated exasperated. "Sure, I like to take care of him, but…"

"You just admitted to being jealous when the rogue Sentinel tried to claim him!" the Shaman pointed out to him.

"You don't have much time," Jim's spirit guide added, catching Jim's eyes with his. "Blair will take his life if you can't give him a reason to live."

"Nonsense!" Jim knew with certainty. "Blair will never commit suicide."

"*You* are the one who's killing him!" The Shaman stared Jim in the eyes. "Blair will wither away. He doesn't need to actively end his life. You're doing it for him."

"I'm not!" Jim replied, horrified.

"You are," Jim's spirit guide said softly. "Go to him now or lose him." His eyes met his mate's and he winced inwardly. "For if Blair dies, so does my beloved."

Jim blinked his eyes, trying to regain his composure. Stunned, he looked about, wanting to ask them more questions, but found his bedroom empty. The spirit guides were gone.

However, Jim now faced a dilemma. Had they told him the truth? He couldn't imagine Blair giving up, but the grad student had died and he had rejected Blair at the hospital.

"Fuck, they're right!" he realized suddenly and his heart missed a beat. He had to move now and drive to Joel's place, talk to Blair, explain everything to his partner. Jim quickly grabbed his coat and car keys and ran down the stairs.

///

"Joel, please open the door!" Jim pleaded as he pressed the doorbell. He'd registered two heartbeats inside the house and one was Blair's. //He's still alive!// he thought relieved. Maybe there was still time.

Recognizing Jim's voice, Joel quickly checked on Blair, but the young man was still soundly asleep due to the medication. Slowly, considering his options, he walked over to the door and opened it. Jim almost stormed inside, but Joel placed a restraining hand on the detective's chest. "Stop right there."

Joel's icy tone stopped Jim in his tracks. "Joel?"

"You're not going to hurt Blair again. I can't believe you threw him out!" Joel still blocked the doorway, efficiently stopping Jim.

"I wasn't thinking rationally. Please, I need to see him!" Right now he wasn't above begging. "Please Joel."

"Why do you want to see Blair?" Joel wasn't going to give in easily. Jim had to convince him first.

"I need to talk to Blair."

"Why? You kicked him out, why talk to him now?" Joel cocked his head.

Jim swallowed hard. Joel reminded him of a pit bull guarding its owner. He couldn't go through Joel and would have to explain things to the bomb squad captain first. Jim decided on the direct approach. "Does Blair have a death wish? Does he want to die? Be honest, Joel."

Joel decided to give Jim a chance and answered truthfully. "Yes, he does. I even locked away his meds, afraid he would try to overdose on them."

"Fuck," Jim cursed. "Joel, I made a terrible mistake. I need to tell Blair that… that…"

"What?" Joel didn't move, still blocking Jim's path.

"That I love him," Jim blurted out. The spirit guides had been right. He'd been jealous when Alex Barnes had appeared. He was Blair's Sentinel and no one else!

Joel searched Jim's eyes. Was it the truth? He would never forgive himself if Blair ended up hurt again because he'd been a poor judge of character. Jim seemed sincere though. "I'll be close," he warned Jim.

Jim understood that warning perfectly and shivered, wondering how far Joel would go to protect Blair. He'd certainly underestimated Taggart. As he honed in on Blair's heartbeat he used it to guide him to Blair's room. The door was ajar and he caught a glimpse of Blair lying in bed.

"Thank you," Jim whispered, addressing the spirit guides. "I've still got time." Jim pushed the door open and moistened his lips. His mouth suddenly felt dry.

Blair was curled up on his right side, arms tightly wrapped around a pillow. Blair's locks covered most of the pillow. "Beautiful," Jim whispered in sudden understanding. Why hadn't he seen it before? After the merge Blair had become part of him, like he'd become part of Blair. The spirit guides had been right; they needed, loved each other.

Jim sat down on the side of the bed and nudged Blair a little closer to the wall, so he could spoon up behind him. "Blair? Wake up, Chief."

The sudden voice startled Blair who had become a light sleeper since the drowning. He'd felt the bed move when someone had settled behind him. It only took him a second to identify the voice that had said his name. "Jim?"

"Yeah, it's me…" Jim took a deep breath and exploratory wrapped one arm around Blair's waist. "I should have told you sooner, but… I didn't have the necessary courage."

"Told me what?" Blair stared at the wall. Jim's warmth and weight behind him felt intoxicating. He couldn't believe Jim was really here. If only he knew *why* Jim was here! Or was it Jim's spirit guide? To determine the truth he had to see the eyes.

"Blair, don't! Your ribs!" Jim tried to keep Blair in place, but his partner seemed determined to roll over on to his back. At last, their eyes met.

Blair immediately recognized the tormented expression in Jim's eyes. This was Jim Ellison all right and not his spirit guide. "What do you want to tell me?" Jim's closeness should intimidate him, but instead he felt warm and secure.

"That I love you." Jim's eyes begged Blair to understand. "At first I didn't get it… the merge… I didn't understand what it meant, what I had done."

"What does it mean?" Blair didn't dare hope that Jim had realized the truth.

"I called you back because… I wanted to claim my mate. Subconsciously, I must have known what I was doing, why I needed you to come back to me so badly. It just took me a while to figure it out."

Blair stared at Jim in disbelief. Everything Jim had told him baffled him. "You love me? Wanted to claim me as your mate? Jim?"

"That's it, Darwin. You got it right in one go. I know I made mistakes, Blair. Mistakes I shouldn't have made, but… please come back to the loft and let me take care of you? You… no, let me rephrase that, I belong with you. If you want to stay here, I'll stay here too."

A weak smile flashed across Blair's tired features. "Why now?"

"I had a visitor… two actually," Jim admitted and gently caressed Blair's face with his fingertips. He sensed how Blair snuggled a little closer and Jim knew he'd convinced Blair to give him a second chance.

"Visitors? Simon and Megan or maybe Joel?" Blair shook his head. Whom was Jim talking about?

"A very pissed off wolf went for my throat when I got home," Jim explained, cuddling Blair close. "Then he changed into you, but you were a Chopec Shaman. It was your spirit guide and he told me to clean up my act."

Blair sucked in his breath. "Jim, I need to tell you… your spirit guide… he was here too, told me to trust him and wait a little longer." Only then he realized what he might have given away.

It didn't surprise Jim to learn that his spirit guide had comforted Blair. It were the last words that frightened him. "Wait a little longer with what? The spirit guides told me that you… want to die. Is that it?"

Blair closed his eyes, unable to meet Jim's. "Life seemed pointless without you."

Jim cupped Blair's chin in his hand. "Look at me, Chief… do it."

Reluctantly, Blair locked eyes with Jim and waited.

"Promise me, Blair… don't ever try to take your life, not even in the case of my death. Promise me that you'll never give in. You're the strong one in this relationship. I can't bear the thought of you giving up." Blair's puzzled smile made Jim realize something.

"Blair, you *are* the strong one. You've always been the strong one. If it hadn't been for you I would probably be the walking dead by now, drugged to numb my heightened senses. When you entered my life you gave me back my life. I thought I was going insane back then. I couldn't have done the things I did without you. You've touched so many lives and you made them better!"

"Do you really think that, Jim?" Blair slowly raised his right hand and rested it against Jim's cheek, feeling the growing stubble beneath his fingertips. Slowly, his fingers moved and then touched Jim's eyes. Surprised, Blair felt the tear that slid from Jim's eyes. "I don't think I'm up to driving back to the loft… I'm tired and I feel weak."

"Then you'll rest. I'll talk to Joel about moving your stuff back to the loft." Jim looked about, realizing Joel had done a great job unpacking Blair's things.

Blair wavered, but eventually spoke up. "Did you mean it, Jim?"

"What?"

"That if I wanted to stay here for a while, you would stay too?" Blair's heart sped up a little.

Jim nodded his head. "You like Joel, don't you?"

"Yes, and I think I need to stay here a little longer… he needs something from me and I need him in return…" Seeing Jim's puzzled frown he explained, "Joel lost his wife and unborn child. I think he… kinda adopted me when I got back from the hospital. And I… I never had a father and I really think this would be good for Joel and me and…"

Jim stopped the babbling by brushing Blair's lips with his. "We’ll stay… as long as you need to stay," Jim promised.

In the corridor Joel smiled contentedly. Blair would stay and so would Jim. That meant he could keep an eye on Ellison until he was sure that this time Jim wouldn't screw up. Blair was much too precious to be hurt again and hopefully Jim realized that now too. Joel turned and headed for his own bedroom, feeling beat and tired. Maybe he would dream of Alice tonight… He still missed her.

Jim listened to Joel's retreating footfalls and focused on Blair instead. His lover's heartbeat was steady and his breathing just a little laboured due to the congested lungs. With a smile, Jim realized that Blair was asleep in his arms.

"You did well, Sentinel."

The voice made Jim look up. In the corner of the room stood their spirit guides, arms wrapped around each other and smiling gently.

"Will Blair be fine now?" Jim asked them, hoping he'd told Blair what he'd needed to hear.

"Yes, you have given him a reason to live," the Shaman answered. "Now keep him safe and *listen* to him!"

"I will," Jim promised and stroked the silken locks. "He's my mate and I'm his. We belong together. I understand."

The spirit guides exchanged pleased glances. Sentinel and guide had committed to their new bond and even death couldn't part them any longer. Their spirits would continue to live on the spirit plane… even in death.

The end.