Author-Kaitelynn

Email-witchykaitelynn@lycos.com

Disclaimer-damn it, if they were mine do you really think I would deal with my job today

Archive-sure if you want them

Summary-While in a coma, Jim looks at what went wrong

Feedback is loved and needed to survive

Author's note-this is the fifth in a continuing series for dues (which means, go back two months to find the previous stories*G*)..this story follows Last Christmas, Hoping for a Miracle, Recrimations, and Revelations. Enjoy.

I can hear his voice pleading with me to wake up. Begging me to show some sign that I can hear them all. That I can hear him . They want me to wake up and tell them that I'm okay, but I can't. I'm afraid that if I open my eyes, if I allow myself to heal, that it will mean he'll leave again. And if I'm awake and healing, when he does leave, I know the others won't allow me the luxury of dying. They'll force me to continue on, try to make me live again, but how can I do that when he has my heart. I couldn't believe my ears when I had first heard his heartbeat. I thought it was my imagination playing tricks on me again. I figured it was proof that my sanity had finally gone and I hoped it meant my body would soon be following. But the heartbeat got louder and louder and I couldn't help myself. I began to respond to it. Then I hear his voice. Soft and melodic, just as I remembered it and I started to live again. Started to believe that maybe, just maybe, my lover had come back to me. That he had realized that we belonged together. Not just as Sentinel and Guide, or best friends, but as lovers. I began to hope that maybe I would have the chance to regain the happiness that had disappeared the night I had come home, anticipating a romantic holiday with the man that had wormed his way into my life, into my heart, only to find an empty loft that showed no sign that it had been a home that morning.

Even in the suspended state that I was in, I can still vividly recall the anticipation I felt when I had come home that Christmas Eve. For the first time since I had joined the force, I had actually taken the holidays off. Usually I let the other guys have off, the ones who had families and places to go. To me, the holidays were nothing special. Christmas was always just another day, but he changes all that. For the first time since my mother had left, I couldn't wait for Christmas to come. He and I had spent the previous Sunday decorating the loft, turning it into a winter wonderland, complete with hundred of white lights and a seven foot Christmas tree that we had decorated together. Everything was perfect. I had even talked Simon into letting me out early so I could prepare the surprise I had for my husband.

I had it all planned in my head. First I stopped at this little bakery that he loved but didn't get a chance to frequent because it was on the other side of the city and got the Death by Chocolate cake that he was addicted to. After that I went to the food store to pick up the makings of my special lasagna. I had already purchased some extra candles a special CD to add to what I had hoped would be the start of a romantic week off.

I made my way up the stairs to our home, my mind on everything that I needed to get done before my lover got home from the University, but that all changed the minute I stepped into the loft. It was like there was something in the air that signaled to me that something was wrong. I couldn't pinpoint it at first. It was buried under the scents of the holiday and the smell of Blair and I that always pervaded around the loft, but then it hit me.

Blair's scent held the hind of fear and a lot of sadness. As if he was doing something that upset him and was afraid he was going to get caught. I couldn't think of anything that might cause my Guide to feel that way until my eye fell on the stark white envelope lying on the dining room table. For some reason, seeing my name written in Blair's writing caused me to begin to feel apprehensive. Slowly I had made my way over to the table, my hands shakily reaching for it, knowing my life was about to change and not for the better.

\\\\\ My dearest Jim,
If you're reading the note, then it means that I've finally done something that I know will hurt us both. I've left the most important person in my life. The person who finally made me understand what love truly meant. The person who gave me a home and the kind of acceptance that others could only claim with lip service. I've left you. //////

Tears began to steal their way down my face after I had read only those few sentences as I realized that the one person I had trusted to never abandon me had done exactly that. That, once again, I had proven myself unlovable to someone. The words on the paper in my hands blurred as I tried to reign in my out of control
emotions. I could feel my heartbreak at the thought of having to try and continue living when my reason to do so had decided to go.

Finally, after I don't even know how long, I made my way over to the sofa, trying not to remember how many movies and shows I had never seen the end of because of my making out with my husband and began to read the rest of the letter.

\\\\\\ I want you to know, Jim, that my reasons for leaving have nothing to do with you, but everything to do with me. You are the sweetest, kindest, gentlest, most loving man that I have ever had the privilege of knowing. The fact that you loved me openly and without question means everything to me. You mean everything to me. You often told me how lucky you felt because I loved you, but I was the truly lucky one. You made me feel alive. Validated. As if my life, my very existence meant something. You made me understand that I am capable of truly loving someone. Unfortunately, it's also the reason I have to go.

I'm sorry.

Yours always,
Blair /////

I don't remember anything after I finished that letter. No memory of zoning on the last traces of scent that had been left behind by my lover. All I know is that one minute I was reading the letter that basically ended my life, the next minute hearing Simon calling my name, dragging me back from the grayness that had
overtaken me, only to find out that three days had come and gone.

He had come over because he was worried that something might have happened to Blair and I once we had never make it to his house the day after Christmas like we had planned. Simon said he found me curled in a ball on the couch, Blair's letter clutched in my hand. He told me it took him almost an hour to get me out of the zone.

\\\\ "Jim, what happened?"

"He's gone."

"Who's gone? Where's Sandburg? Jim tell me what happened?"

"He left. Not enough. Never enough."

"What do you mean he left? Jim?"

"Blair's gone. Said he loved me. Made me believe him. Made me trust him. All lies. Nothing but lies. /////

Simon sat with me for the rest of the day and spent the night on Blair's old bed. It was the first of many nights when someone stayed to make sure that I didn't eat my gun. They tried to get me involved with the world again, not letting me retreat from life, but I just couldn't do it. It just got harder and harder. I knew when I went home that night, it would be my last and I welcomed the end. I still do, which is why I haven't woken up, no matter how much they've all pleaded with me. But now it's his voice. The one that owns me. The one that swore would love me for always, asking me to wake up. And I would, just to see him and convince him to give us a second chance but now I know there is no point. He's done what I couldn't. He's moved on. Found someone else to love and I just can't live any longer with the knowledge that I'm not worthy of having someone love me, so I'm going to finish what I started so long ago on a night when I discovered Blair had left me. I'm going to die and leave him to live his new life. I'm going to let him go, even though it's the last thing that I want to do, but I love him and it's what needs to be done. To make him happy. With his fiancée.

END