Untitled Snippet

by Cat Moran

This snippet defines the word snippet. It's actually an outtake from my series 'Awakenings'. I never finished it, when I realized that thank goodness it doesn't actually belong in the series.

Untitled Snippet

by Cat Moran
*****

Blair pulled away from the other man. "Jim, before we go any further we have to discuss safety."

Jim groaned at the loss of Blair's lips and spoke quickly. "I'm perfectly safe. I haven't dated anyone but my own hand for the last 9 or 10 months. My last test was just a couple months ago, and I'm clean. So, no problem." Jim reached for Blair.

Blair moved out of Jim's embrace and sat on the other side of the couch. "It's not that simple."

Jim frowned at Blair. "What do you mean? You haven't dated anyone for even longer than me."

"I haven't dated anyone, but..." Blair's voice trailed off and he looked faintly nauseous.

"Blair? What is it?"

"Sometimes, when I'm... upset, I go to clubs."

"Right, I know that." Jim was puzzled, what did that have to do with them?

"Not the clubs you're thinking of. You know I've been with guys, right?"

Jim nodded. A few years ago Blair had dated Mike, another grad student at Rainier. It was the first and last time Jim had smelled another male on his guide. "Yeah, I know. But you stopped seeing Mike a couple years ago."

Blair's voice was strained. "Mike was just the last guy I *dated*, Jim. Those clubs I go to--some of them have back rooms." His voice dropped to a whisper. "It was just blow jobs, but still..."

Jim was shocked. The first coherent thought that came to mind was, "you *know* how dangerous that is! Blair, you could have been hurt."

"That--I think that was sort of the point."

Jim's face and voice filled with pain, "Blair, *why*?"

"I was a coward. If something happened to me because of what I was doing there, then it wasn't like it was really my fault. Anyway, while I was there, while it was happening, I forgot about everything else that was going on. It was a good way to hide."

"How did you keep this from me? When was the last time?"

"I'd just swing by the gym on the way home and use the shower there. You just assumed that I was working out."

"And the last time?"

"A few days before... before I got really desperate."

"A few days before you tried to shoot yourself?" Jim clarified.

"Yeah."

"Have you gone back since?"

"No! No, Jim. It was really stupid, not just the clubs, but all of it. I wasn't thinking, I was just trying to escape and I didn't think about how it would affect you. I'm really sorry, man. It'll never happen again!"

"Blair, this really scares me... What would you do if something happened to me?"

"You told me once you couldn't live without me. Do you think it's any different for me?"

Jim sighed. "You're right. But it still scares me."

End