Title: The Change

Author: Carol Rose Cappe

e-mail addy: cappe.family@sympatico.ca or crcbeav@yahoo.com

Disclaimers: standard

Warnings: rape, mpreg

spell-checked only

By Carol rose Cappe

"Shit!" Jim rolled away from Blair, and sat up in their bed.

"Jim, calm down." Blair also sat up, and put a hand on the bigger man's shoulder. Jim shrugged it off, and started climbing out of bed. "Hey, no you don't."

"I don't want to discuss it. I'm going downstairs." Blair watched his lover stalk down the stairs, and into the living room.

"I know you can hear me, Jim. Listen, there's no reason to be upset. These things happen, especially after a man gets to be a certain age." The volume of the television was turned up. "Sorry, but you are over forty, and you just can't do what you did a few years ago. You've been under a lot of stress at work with that messy prostitution ring investigation, and you haven't been sleeping or eating that well. You can make an appointment with the doctor, and make sure nothing's wrong, but I think that the more you worry about this the worse it will be. I'm going to sleep, and I'd really like you to join me." There was no response from Jim, but the television was turned down. "Please, love. I don't want to sleep alone."

Jim turned off the TV and came back upstairs. He lay down and gathered Blair in his arms. "I'm too old for you. You deserve someone younger."

"No, Jim. You're my love." Blair kissed Jim. "For always, big guy." .

**************

. "Jim, it's late. We both slept through the alarm." Blair looked with consternation at Jim. "You don't look so good."

"Tell me about it," Jim groaned. "I don't think I'm making it in today. Phone Simon, please."

"Okay. Are you coming down with the flu or something?"

"I think so, I ache all over, I have a killer headache, and my stomach is really queasy."

"Maybe I should stay home with you."

"No." Jim slowly sat up. "If you could just bring me up a cup of tea before you leave." .

****************

. .Blair entered the loft as quietly as possible, trying not to disturb Jim if he was sleeping. He'd phoned home several times during the day, and Jim had said that he felt the same. Jim was lying on the couch, and sat up, rubbing his eyes. "Feeling any better?'

"My head isn't pounding as much, otherwise, not really."

Blair leaned over and kissed Jim's forehead. "You don't feel feverish. I picked up some chicken soup from the deli. Is there anything else I can get you?"

"I finished the ginger ale that we had in the fridge. It seemed to settle my stomach."

"I can go out later, and buy some more."

Jim spent the rest of the evening on the couch, dozing and watching TV. He wasn't up to eating anything, but had a bowl of soup, several glasses of soda, and two cups of tea. He went upstairs to bed before ten o'clock, hoping to sleep off whatever was ailing him.

"Sorry, Blair, I just have to empty my bladder. I didn't mean to wake you up." Jim started heading downstairs to the washroom.

"It's okay. What time is it? And how are you feeling?"

"Three in the morning, and, surprisingly, fine."

"Good." Blair rolled over and quickly fell back asleep. Seconds later a scream and a thud woke him up. He ran down the stairs, and was shocked to find Jim lying on the washroom floor, bleeding and lying in a puddle of what appeared to be urine. "Jim! What happened? Did you have a dizzy spell?" Blair helped Jim sit up. "That's a nasty cut on your forehead, but I don't think it needs stitches. Maybe I should take you to the emergency just in case, you might have a concussion."

"No." Jim said sharply. "I can't go the hospital like this."

"All right, but I'm keeping a close eye on you for the rest of the night." Blair opened the first aid kit. "Let me bandage that cut for you."

"No. I can look after it myself." Jim got to his feet, shaking off any assistance from Blair, and turned his back to his partner. "Let me clean up the mess, then I'll take a shower."

Blair left the room, still anxious about Jim, but knowing how embarrassed he must be, and how he must want his privacy. "I'll bring some clean clothes for you to change into."

Blair sat on the couch, waiting for Jim to finish in the shower. He started worrying after hearing the water run more than the customary time. "I knew I should have insisted on a hospital visit," he muttered. He opened the washroom door and pulled back the shower curtain. "Jim, you okay?" Jim was just standing under the cooling spray, trembling and softly crying. Blair stepped into the stall, not caring that he was dressed, and turned off the water.

"Help me, Blair. Help me." Jim cried, as he slowly slid to the floor. "It seems I'm missing a few body parts." Jim started laughing hysterically, as he pointed between his legs. Blair abruptly sat down beside him, shocked at what he saw. "Have you seen my missing penis and testicles?"

Blair forced down his feeling of panic to help Jim. Somehow he got the larger man out of the shower and dried off. He helped Jim up the stairs and into bed, and covered him with a blanket. Blair took off his wet boxers, threw them in the hamper, and joined Jim under the covers. "You're wet." Jim mumbled.

"Sorry, I'll ..."

"It's okay. Just hold me." Blair did so. Gradually Jim stopped trembling, and both men fell asleep.

PART 2

Blair woke up to the smell of fresh coffee. He stumbled downstairs, and a mug was thrust in his hand. "You look like you good use it, Chief. Hurry up, or we'll be late for work. I've already showered and shaved, so the washroom's all yours."

Blair looked with astonishment at his calm partner. "Uhh, Jim. You ... are you really? I mean, was it really just a bad dream?"

"Nope. It wasn't some anchovy pizza nightmare. "

"But, you seem so calm. Are you really just going to work as if nothing happened?"

"It's not like I can do much about it. I figure it's a sentinel thing."

"Jim. I have no clue."

Jim sat down and took several sips from his mug of coffee. "Blair, I think the answers are in Peru, so I've booked a flight that leaves tonight. We'll go into work together this morning, and I'll clear off my desk. Simon wasn't too pleased with my taking time off with no warning, but I have to go."

"That makes sense. I'll pack a bag ..."

"No." Jim shrugged his shoulders apologetically. "No, Blair. This is one trip I have to take alone."

"But I'm your guide."

"I know the people and the language." Blair looked unconvinced. "Please, Blair, don't push it, I feel that I have to go by myself. You stay here, and go through all your books, find out if there's any references to this kind of thing happening to any other sentinels. Between the two of us we'll figure this out."

"I don't like it, but okay. By the way, how to put this ... what is between your legs?"

"I examined myself this morning." Jim waved his fingers in the air. "It's seems I'm now equipped with female parts."

"Wow."

"Yeah. Wow. I used a small mirror so I could see what I look like. It's rather amazing." Jim had a sheepish look on his face. "It actually felt good, having my fingers inside me like that."

"As Simon would say, too much information. I don't think you should go into the station this morning. There's nothing on your desk that I can't handle."

"Why?"

"We're not sure if this change you've gone through is complete."

"Complete? Oh. I didn't think of that."

"Yeah, it would be sort of hard explaining if you suddenly started speaking in a falsetto and grew breasts." Blair finished his cup of coffee, set in down on the counter, and walked over to where Jim was sitting. "What I said the other day, Jim, it still stands. No matter what, I love you. I love you forever."

Jim stood up and grabbed Blair in a fierce hug. "Ditto, Chief, ditto."

PART 3

Blair unlocked the door to the loft, a worried expression on his face. Jim had been gone for fourteen days, and during that time Blair hadn't heard from him. His look of worry quickly turned to joy as he noticed Jim's duffel bag by the door, and heard the toilet flush. "I'll be with you in a sec, Chief. I phoned the station when the plane got in but you were out, so I took a taxi home." Blair waited by the washroom door, and as soon as it opened he launched himself at his lover. Jim easily caught the smaller man, and enfolded him in a crushing embrace. "Missed you, love."

"I missed you too. Well?"

"Yeah, I'm still sitting down to pee. We'll talk about all that later, right now I'm starved. Anything around to eat?'

"How about soup and sandwiches?" Jim nodded his agreement. "You sit down on the couch and let me take care of everything."

"Thanks, Chief."

In a few minutes they were eating their simple dinner. Blair filled Jim in on the happenings at the station, and Jim told some humorous stories about his travels. The topic uppermost on their minds was not brought up until both men were finished eating.

"You go first, Blair. What did you find out?"

"Not too much, unfortunately. Just two obscure references to a male sentinel going through some sort of a change. Did you get some answers from the Chopec?"

"When I entered the village the elders seemed to know that I'd had a transformation. I was welcomed and feted. I couldn't find out too much, but their complete acceptance of my condition put my mind at ease. I immediately resumed my Sentinel duties for the villagers, as if the absence of over ten years had never taken place." Jim lowered his head and blushed.

"What's wrong? What happened?"

"I stayed with the unmarried men until I got my period. Then I had to stay with the women."

"Oh, man. I never thought of that. What was it like?"

"Weird. The women helped me, showed me how to protect myself." Jim smiled and hugged Blair again. "It was weird, but at the same time wonderful. It felt so natural, like that's what my body was built to do."

"Wow."

"Yeah. Listen, Chief, I'm bushed. We can talk some more tomorrow. Right now I'm going upstairs to crash. Do you mind cleaning up?"

"No, you go ahead." Both men stood and kissed each other. "I'll follow you up in a few minutes." It only took Blair a short while to finish, but by that time Jim was already sound asleep.

************

Jim woke up, not needing to put on a light to see that it was two in the morning. He looked at the man sleeping peacefully beside him. "Blair, wake up." Jim shook Blair's shoulders. "We have to talk."

"What? Jim, give me a break. Can't it wait until morning?"

"No." Jim sat up, and roughly pulled Blair into an upright position. "We talked around things last night. No more. We both know where this is going. I want to have your baby."

"Whoa. There's a few considerations that you haven't addressed. In your position you won't have access to prenatal care. And how were you going to deliver this baby? Here, with me as your midwife? I don't think so. What if there were complications? And how are you going to explain when you start showing?" Blair failed to notice how agitated Jim appeared to be getting. "You're over forty Jim, I know you're in good condition, but even a woman of your age would be considered high-risk if she was pregnant." Blair lay back down, and turned away from Jim. "We don't even know if you could conceive. Not to mention the fact that I'm seriously freaked out by the idea of having sex that way with you. No. Goodnight, Jim."

"No, you don't understand. I have to have a baby." Jim leaned over Blair, and for the first time since they'd become lovers, used his size and strength to overpower the smaller man. He quickly had Blair on his back, lowered his body over him, and started kissing him.

"No, Jim. No. You don't want to do this." Blair cried out, and started scratching and pounding Jim's back with his hands. Jim was impervious to Blair's distress, and easily withstood Blair's attempts to push him away. He used his skilful fingers to bring Blair to arousal. Blair's nipples were rubbed, other erogenous zones caressed, then Jim started stroking his penis. In spite of himself Blair started getting hard. He squirmed some more, trying to buck the larger man off him, and to stop what he knew was inevitable.

With a cry Jim impaled himself on Blair's cock. He thrust his hips up and down, only stopping when he felt Blair's release. Silently Jim rolled off Blair. He immediately fell asleep, unmindful of the trickle of blood between his legs. Blair just lay on the bed for a few minutes. He was almost in shock from the attack. "He raped me. Jim ... raped ...me, " he muttered. "I am so out of here." Blair climbed out of bed, quickly put on jeans and a t. shirt, and stuffed a few items of clothing in a duffel bag. Without a backward glance at the sleeping man he went downstairs, and gathered up a few of his toiletries from the washroom. Within minutes he'd left his home of over five years.

PART 4

Simon stood by the door of his office, looking out at the bullpen. He thought of the changes that had taken place in the past four months. It had started with Jim's mysterious illness, then his even more mysterious trip to Peru. Simon shrugged his shoulders, he had work to do. But even when he was seated at his desk, looking at all his paperwork, he couldn't stop his wool gathering. He poured himself a cup of coffee, and remembered what had happened. Jim's trip to Peru had seemed to be a catalyst of some sort. Blair had come to work the next day, unshaven and looking like he'd slept in his clothes, He'd informed Simon that he would no longer partner with Jim, and he had moved out of the loft. Jim had received the news with a calm acceptance that was unnerving. He only asked Simon to tell Blair that he was sorry, and it was Blair's call if it would go any further because of his actions of the night before. Simon had continued to relay messages for the two men. Blair worried about Jim's senses, and Jim worried that Blair was eating properly. Jim made no objection to partnering with Megan, and surprisingly worked well with the Australian officer. Blair worked mainly with Joel, and showed, after a shaky couple of weeks, that he was an excellent officer in his own right.

"Enter." A knock on his door finally stopped Simon's musings. "Sit down, Jim. What can I do for you?" He pointed at a coffee mug, but Jim shook his head in refusal.

"Sir, I'd like to request a leave of absence, probably for six months."

"What? Jim, is everything okay?"

"Sir, I ..."

"Jim, we're friends. Stop the sir business and tell me what this is all about. I'm guessing that if this proposed leave of yours isn't granted your resignation will be on my desk."

"You've got that right, Simon." Jim relaxed in the chair and seemed to make up his mind. "I'm returning to Peru sometime in the next month. When I was there four months ago I married a Chopec woman. I've received word that she is pregnant, and not doing too well. I'd like to be with her until she delivers the baby."

"Jim, I ... I don't know what to say." Simon stood up, and put out his hand. "Congratulations, I guess."

"Thanks." Jim also stood up, and shook the outstretched hand. "I'd prefer if you'd keep this quiet. I'm not planning on bringing her or the baby back to Cascade."

"Is this some sort of sentinel thing? No wonder Blair's mad at you, when it comes right down to it, you cheated on him."

"It's a little more complicated than that, Simon. But yes, I had an overwhelming need to have a child, and Blair was ... is mad with me because of what I did. Oh, one more thing, if you could tell Blair about the baby I'd appreciate it."

"I thought he knew."

"Like I said, Simon, it's complicated." .

PART 5

"Blair. Coming in?" Jim stood by the open door with a slight smile on his face.

"Thanks." Blair entered the loft and looked around. "I see you still haven't packed up my things."

"I've got some boxes downstairs. I could bring them up and do it right now."

"No, no. That's not why I came by."

"Then take a seat, and tell me what's on your mind." Jim waved at the couch. "Can I get you anything?"

"A beer would be good." Jim got a beer for Blair and poured a glass of juice for himself. "Thanks." Blair took the bottle and watched Jim settle himself on the couch. "No beer for you? That's not like you, Jim."

Jim just shrugged and smiled. "You still haven't told me why you came over, Chief. I'll make it easy for you, I assume this has something to do with my return to Peru."

"Okay. Enough beating around the bush." Blair gulped down half the bottle of beer. "Gee, who'd have thought I'd ever have trouble asking a simple question. Okay, Jim. Here goes. Are you pregnant?"

"Yes." Again Jim smiled, then started laughing when Blair turned red and started choking. "Sorry, Blair. You okay?"

"Yeah. Even though I suspected it still comes as a shock. So this talk of rushing to the bedside of a pregnant ailing wife is just to cover up your condition? And you're planning to give birth in the middle of the jungle?"

"Yes to both questions."

"You're looking good. How are you feeling?"

"Good. No morning sickness or strange cravings, just more tired than usual. I've cut out alcohol and caffeine, and I'm trying to eat healthier." Jim looked intently at Blair. "My only regret, Blair, is what I did to you the night she was conceived. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I just hope you can forgive me."

"You raped me, Jim. At first I was devastated. I had a hard time handling the fact that I'd said no, but you still overpowered and used me. Then I remembered how you and Alex acted on that beach, and I now realize you were operating under the influence of some powerful primal imperatives. I'm just glad that I was the closest male at the time." Blair put a hand on Jim's still flat stomach. "It's pretty amazing, though. I can't believe I'm going to be a father."

Jim covered Blair's hand with his own. "I knew I was pregnant the next morning. I hear her heartbeat and feel her moving inside of me. It is pretty amazing. You're wrong though, I was only going to mate with you."

"That makes sense since I am your guide. I'm still not happy with the idea of you having the baby in those primitive conditions."

"If you can think of a better alternative I'm open to any ideas. But there's no way I can deal with the media frenzy that would inevitably happen if I was to stay in Cascade." Jim moved Blair's hand off his stomach and shifted his position. "Sorry, just getting a little stiff sitting that way."

"Jim, I just wish you'd told me about the baby before you made your plans to go to Peru."

"If you recall we haven't been talking to each other for three months. Also, you know the reason I'm going. What's the problem?"

"I want to be part of her life, not just the convenient sperm donor." Blair shook his head. "Listen to me, I'm thinking of the baby as a girl, just like you do."

"I don't understand." Jim looked puzzled. "Of course I want you ... oh. I plan to bring the baby back with me to Cascade to raise. I'll tell everyone that my 'wife' died in childbirth. I hate all the lying I'm doing, but I don't seem to have any choice. We can work out custody arrangements, I have no objection if she lives with you fifty percent of the time."

"Jim, come here." Blair patted the couch right beside him. Jim scooted over, and leaned into his embrace with a sigh of contentment. "I love you, big guy. I plan to be right here with you." Blair reached up and caressed Jim's face. "You're okay with that, me moving back in and all?"

Jim answered by leaning over and pressing his lips to Blairs'. Abruptly he pulled away and started to stand up. "Sorry, Blair. Sorry, I didn't think."

Blair put out his arm to prevent Jim from standing. "It's okay. Really. I want to move back in, love. That means sleeping upstairs in that big bed with you. I've forgiven you, you don't have to ask for permission to kiss me."

"I don't deserve you. Don't deserve your love." Jim sat back down and buried his head in Blair's shoulder.

"Jim, please. Don't cry." Blair tenderly lifted Jim's head and gently kissed him.

"Must be the hormones." Jim mumbled. Then he passionately returned the kiss. They sat on the couch for several minutes, kissing and groping each other like a couple of teenagers. "Ready to take it upstairs, babe?" Jim softly rubbed the bulge in Blair's jeans. "I can help you with that little problem."

"No!" Blair said, batting away Jim's hand and angrily standing up.

"Shit, don't do that to me. I said I'm sorry. What else do you want from me?"

"It's not that, Jim. Really. It's just I'm still a bit freaked out by the idea of making love with you since you've changed."

"Gotcha." Jim touched his stomach. "It feels so right to be like this, to be carrying our baby, I forget that you haven't even seen me naked since you got me out of the shower." Blair nodded and the tenseness went out of his posture. "We'll take it slow, okay? I'll undress, and you can just look. If you get it back up I can give you a hand job. No pressure for anything more, I promise."

"Thank you for understanding. I've got an overnight bag in my car, I was hoping to stay the night. I'll move everything back in tomorrow."

PART 6

Blair was not surprised to find Jim waiting for him as he entered the village, even though he had arrived two weeks early. "Jim, man. You look pregnant." Blair gingerly hugged his pregnant lover, and eagerly returned Jim's passionate kisses.

"Thanks, I think." Jim grimaced, and looked down at his large stomach.

"Jim, are you okay? What's wrong?"

"Easy, Chief. I'm fine. I went into labour a couple of hours ago. I'm just so glad that you came earlier than we'd previously arranged."

"Labour! Shouldn't you be doing something? I know lying down is not the best position, but ..."

"Whoa, there. The contractions are coming ten minutes apart, and so far I'm handling the pain without any trouble. Right now the best thing for me is probably to walk around."

"All right, just don't dial down any pain. You want to keep in contact with what's happening. I'm so glad I had a premonition that this baby wasn't waiting nine months."

Blair and Jim spent the next few hours walking around the perimeter of the village. When Jim had a contraction he would stop, and with Blair's help breathe through the contraction. Occasionally the midwife would exchange a few words with Jim, then leave him to continue. Gradually the interval between contractions shortened to five minutes, and they became longer and much more intense.

"That's it, Blair. I might still be hours away from the actual delivery, but I'm ready to go into the birthing hut." Jim panted, as he leaned heavily on Blair. "Sorry, they don't allow father to watch." He shrugged apologetically as he was led inside by the midwife. The other women clustered around the small hut firmly prevented Blair's entrance.

"Good luck, Jim." Blair whispered. "I love you so much." Blair made himself comfortable on the ground outside the hut. He was prepared for a long wait, as Jim hadn't appeared to even be in transition yet. He was surprised twenty minutes later to hear an infant's cry. Tears came to his eyes as he realized that he was now a father. A few minutes later the midwife's assistant came out of the hut holding a swaddled infant. He barely had a chance to peak at her face before she was hustled away. Blair was annoyed, but Jim had prepared him for this to happen. She would be cleaned up and breast fed by a woman who was soon going to be weaning her toddler.

Blair was worried though when he wasn't allowed to join Jim's side. The woman guarding the hut's entrance pantomimed washing, and he relaxed, realizing Jim was being cleaned up after giving birth. Then he heard several grunts, and a sharp moan of pain. Just as he was preparing to fight the whole village to be at his mate's side everyone exited the hut and he was allowed to enter.

He rushed to Jim and knelt down beside him, bestowing small kisses on his forehead. "She's beautiful, Jim. I'm so proud of you."

"Just take good care of our daughter, Blair. Love her and guide her." Jim smiled and tiredly closed his eyes.

"Jim, what are you talking about? The three of us will return to Cascade as soon as you're able to travel." Blair lifted his head and looked more closely at his lover. He noticed Jim's pale complexion, and the pain lines etched in his face. "Jim!"

"She came too fast. I'm torn up pretty badly, almost to the rectum." Jim paused, and took a few sips of the water that Blair held to his lips. He looked intently at Blair. "I lost a lot of blood. Too much. Then the midwife examined the placenta. It wasn't all there." He paused again to catch his breath. "She did a primitive version of a D. & C. and scraped out all the afterbirth. Then she massaged my uterus to get it to contract and to stop the bleeding. I hurt, I hurt so bad, love." Jim closed his eyes again and sighed. "Sorry, Blair. Too much blood."

Blair lay down beside Jim, and cuddled as close as possible, trying not to cause him any further pain. "Don't you dare give up. I won't let you. You have too much to live for." Jim was still and quiet. Blair quickly stood up when two women entered the hut.. The midwife examined Jim and shook her head as she pointed out to Blair the volume and brightness of the lochia. He also realized that the numerous large clots were not normal. The other woman left a bowl on the ground, and motioned Blair to help Jim drink the herbal tea. Then the two woman left Jim and Blair alone.

"Jim, I know this smells and probably tastes nauseous, but I think it will help the bleeding." Blair held up Jim's head, and he managed to drink the tea. Blair left the empty bowl outside, surmising that it would be replaced with more tea.

"Okay, Jim. Here's the deal. I'm not going to let you die. I've got a few tricks up my sleeve that the Chopec don't know." Blair rummaged in his backpack, and took out several pill bottles. He gave Jim more water and made sure he swallowed all the pills. "Iron, and your prenatal supplement. It will help combat the anaemia from all that blood loss. An antibiotic, I don't imagine this birth was in any way hygienic. Now for the piece de resistance, Tylenol with codeine. It should help you deal with the pain and let you get some sleep."

"How did you get those?"

"Don't ask me and I'll tell you no lies, officer." Blair grinned. Jim's colour had improved and he seemed to be taking more interest in what was happening around him. "You're feeling better?"

"A little, thanks." Jim watched Blair continue to take items out of the backpack. "What now, Chief?"

"I'm going to clean you up a bit, Jim. If you can dial it down, this might hurt a bit." Blair washed his hands with the liquid antiseptic soap that they used on camping trips. Then he gently spread Jim's legs apart and swabbed him with alcohol wipes.

"Smells." Jim muttered.

"Can't help it. At least you're not feeling the sting from the alcohol. I just hope that all the blood is washing out any germs. I don't want you having to battle an infection in these conditions, even with the antibiotic." Blair spread antibiotic cream over the ragged tear.

"Nasty, isn't it?"

"It will heal." Blair took a pair of maternity panties out of a ziploc bag. "Lift your hips for me, Jim." Jim complied, Blair pressed a large sanitary napkin into the panties, and pulled them over Jim's hips. "Lie back down. I'm all done."

"Thanks. Sleepy." Jim dozed off, and Blair watched him for a few minutes, satisfied that Jim was having a healing sleep, before he left to find their daughter.

PART 7

Blair sat on the couch feeding Nessa her bottle. He looked with concern at Jim, who was standing by the balcony door. It was four months since Jim had given birth, and just over three months since he'd recovered sufficiently to travel back to Cascade. Instead of continuing to get better he'd lost weight and looked haggard and older.

"Jim, sit down, please." Jim sat down beside Blair, his love for his family evident on his face.

"She's our miracle, Blair."

"Yes." Blair leaned into Jim's embrace, while continuing to feed his daughter. "Thank you for suggesting her name. It's perfect."

"I wanted her name to have some connection with your heritage even if you're not a practising Jew, and 'ness' does mean miracle in Hebrew."

Blair burped Nessa, and Jim kissed her goodnight. "I'll give her a change, then put her down for the night. Want a beer when I come back?"

"Sure."

In a few minutes both men were sitting on the couch with their drinks. "Jim is she a sentinel?"

"I think so. I gather I was a fussy baby, prone to rashes and stomach upsets. Not like our daughter at all. I don't think I slept through the night until my brother was born."

"She's living in an environment that's sentinel friendly, so that would be easier for her if she is."

"And living in a house with a guide. Sometimes I think she knows when you're at the door even before I sense you. Simon's going to hate that when she's old enough to answer the door." Jim finished his beer, set the bottle down on the coffee table, and picked up the television remote.

"Please don't love." Blair gently took the zapper from Jim's fingers. "Tell me why you're so unhappy. I thought you'd be looking forward to being back at work next week. We've got the day care looked after and everything."

"I won't, I can't return to work. It's been almost a year since I last worked, and I'm overdue for my annual physical."

"Oh, I didn't think of that."

"Blair, when I first changed, after I got over the initial shock, well, it felt so right. Being pregnant, birthing a baby, it seemed that's what I was meant to do. Now, now it's wrong. I don't know who or what I am anymore."

"You're still recovering from the birth, Jim. Give it some more time."

"No. I was told I'd only have one baby. I assumed that meant that I'd change back after her birth. Then I thought it would happen after the bleeding stopped."

"But instead you started getting your period again."

"Exactly. I was devastated. I realized I'm going to have to live out the rest of my life as this, whatever you can call me. What's going to happen when Nessa is older? She'll be a bright, inquisitive child, and one day she's going to accidentally see me naked, and she's going to find my sanitary supplies. I can't have that."

"Jim, what are you trying to tell me? Are you planning on moving out, or doing something ...?"

"No, Blair, no. I love you and Nessa too much to ever leave either of you. No, I have another idea. You'll have to agree, and it might mean leaving Cascade and not having contact with our friends."

"Jim?"

"I want to have some surgery, and live as a woman." Jim looked at the shocked expression on Blair's face. "I know, I'd be a particularly ugly lady, but with breast implants, maybe reducing my Adam's apple, some face surgery and hair removal I could pass. Instead of growing up with two daddies Nessa will have a mother and a father." Blair was still silent. Jim rubbed Blair's hairy chest and stroked his stubbled cheeks. "Hey, look at the bright side. Be glad it's not you in this predicament."

"That's not funny, Jim. God you're really serious about this."

"Yes. I hope you can accept this and you'll stay with me. I know we've agreed not to have sexual relations with me like this. Even when I have identification papers saying that I'm female I don't expect that part of our relationship to change. I'm just relieved that I no longer have that overwhelming urge to mate. I still hate myself for what I did to you."

"Jim. I forgive you. You have to believe that." Blair pointed to his old room, which was now Nessa's bedroom. "Do you wish it never happened?"

"No. You and Nessa are my life. I just have to find a way to be comfortable in my own skin."

"Jim promise me. Don't do anything hasty you might regret later. We've been so busy adjusting to a new baby, and before that so overwhelmed with you changing and being pregnant, I don't think we've taken the time to ask ourselves the right question."

"What are you trying to say?"

"We know why you changed, to be able to have a baby. But I've been too preoccupied with how it happened, and now I think that mystery will never be solved. I should have been concentrating on what triggered the change. If we knew that maybe we could find a way for you to change back."

"I promise. Right now I'm tired and I'm going to bed."

"Okay. I'm going to look through some notes I have. I'll be up soon."

PART 8

"Jim! Wake up! It's important."

"What's wrong? Nessa?" Jim extended his hearing, but only heard the peaceful sounds of his daughter sleeping downstairs.

"No. Yes. No." Blair plopped himself on top of his half-awake partner, covering Jim's face with kisses.

"Slow down, Chief. What's so important that you had to wake me up at three in the morning?"

Blair grinned, and settled himself in Jim's arms. "It's a nice way to be woken up though, you've got to admit." Jim also grinned, and tightened his hold on his exuberant mate. "I think I've found the trigger. In a few days you're going to change back." Blair looked with concern at the blank expression on Jim's face. "Jim. Say something. I thought you'd be so happy." Blair angrily pushed himself out of Jim's arms. "Don't tell me you really do want to live your life as a woman?"

"Of course not. In my head I've always been a man. Tell me what you came up with."

"Sentinels are monogamous, so without the change you'd have never had a child I started off by focusing on what could have triggered the change. Then I got to thinking how you're different than any other female. No, not the external things like breast development, but internally. And, what do you do that a man in a het relationship probably doesn't do?" Jim looked puzzled. "Anal sex. That's the trigger. Somehow, when you're prostate gland is stimulated your body knows and changes, so that you can have issue."

"Okay. I'll tell you what's bothering me. What if you're wrong? How many times do we keep trying? How long do I live like this?"

"Jim, I'm sorry. I just don't know."

"What happens in the mean time if I get sick or have an accident? How do I explain what I am to a doctor? So far I've been lucky."

"Calm down, love. You'll wake up our daughter." Jim looked ashamed, and stopped shouting. "How about three months? We'll give it that long, and if you haven't changed I'll support you in whatever you decide to do."

"Thank you, Blair. So you're just going to stick a finger up me? That's it?" Jim didn't look convinced.

"Yes." Blair smiled, looking quite pleased with himself.

"Do you know how many times army doctors stuck a finger up there? And all the yearly physical I've had since then?"

"Oh, I didn't think of that. I'm sorry, Jim. I didn't mean to get up your hopes."

"No, I think you're on the right track. What if the trigger is some sort of chemical reaction? We've had sex without using a condom."

"Yes! I bet we've still got some lube in the night table." Blair rummaged around in the drawer, and triumphantly held out a small tube. "It's been a long time Jim. You're going to be really tight, but I'll be as gentle as possible."

"No. Not so fast. We have to wait a few weeks." Jim took the tube from Blair's fingers, and stopped him from greasing up his already erect penis.

"Why the delay? No time like the present, I always say."

"One baby, I was told. That doesn't mean I'm now infertile. In fact, that's unlikely since I'm menstruating. Sentinels wouldn't have evolved like this if they couldn't conceive again if they miscarried, or the first child died in infancy."

"You're worried about becoming pregnant again. There's only a remote possibility of that happening."

"But it could. We'll wait until I get my next period. I'll figure out how to use a tampon, and then you can do it. No guarantees, but we're lessening the odds."

"In the meantime I should check if you even still have a prostate gland. If not, all this is moot."

"Hold on, Chief, before you stick your finger up there." Jim closed his eyes for a few seconds. "Yep, still there." He grimaced. "I guess I'll never really pass as a woman, no matter how much plastic surgery I have."

PART 9

"Blair, it's time to try." Jim stood at the foot of the stairs, an anxious look on his face as he called out to Blair.

"Jim? ... Oh." Blair quickly put aside his book. "I'm right behind you, big guy."

"Just give me a few minutes, so I can get ready."

"No problem." Blair made sure Nessa was sleeping peacefully, and he turned off all the downstairs' lights before he followed Jim upstairs to their bed. Jim was lying on his side, naked with his knees slightly bent. Underneath him was an old beach towel, and a tube was placed near his back. Blair quickly undressed, stroked himself a couple of times, then spooned himself behind the larger man. He reached for the lube with one hand, while he stroked Jim's trembling shoulders with the other. "It's okay, love. Just relax. I'll make it so good for you." He felt Jim tense up.

"No. None of that, not tonight. Just grease yourself up, and do it." Jim's eyes were tightly shut, and he was still trembling.

"Okay." Blair positioned himself at Jim's entrance and felt Jim's muscle relax enough for him to slowly push inside. He tried to angle his thrusts to hit Jim's prostate.

"Faster, harder." Jim violently pushed back and the motion created enough stimulation for Blair to quickly come. Jim barely waited for Blair to withdraw his penis before he stood up, gathered up the towel, and went downstairs.

Jim quickly came back upstairs, showered and wearing sweat pants. He turned off the lamp on the night table, lay down facing away from Blair, and muttered 'good night'.

"Not so fast, there." Blair turned the lamp back on and put his hand on Jim's shoulder. "There was a lot of blood on that towel. I want to make sure you're okay."

"I'm fine." Jim said gruffly. The pressure on his shoulder increased. "You're not going to leave me be, are you?"

"No." Jim pushed away Blair's hand and started to stand up. "I'm serious, Jim. Where do you think you're going?"

"Just getting another old towel to put under my hips. I'll be right back." Blair waited impatiently until Jim was again lying down, this time on his back. He pulled down his sweat pants, then the panties he wore. "They're more comfortable than briefs or boxers, and I couldn't find plain ones large enough." Jim glared at Blair.

"I'm not laughing." Blair giggled. "First a flowered apron, and now flowered panties."

Jim smiled, and raised his legs so Blair could do his inspection. "That looks nasty. I didn't realize your haemorrhoids were still that bad."

"It's been a problem since Nessa was born. I put on cream, but it's taking ages to heal."

"The tear healed nicely, though. I can barely see the scar. Jim, I don't want to hurt you, can you tell if there's any tears or abrasions inside you?"

"I'm fine, Blair."

"Then I still haven't accounted for all that blood. The haemorrhoids are oozing slightly, but I saw actual clots on the towel."

"Maybe I didn't insert it properly, but the tampon popped out as soon as you started.

"Oh. I guess that was it, sorry." Blair watched Jim pull up his panties and sweat pants. This time when Jim lay down he faced Blair, and pulled the younger man down into a hug. "Jim, something I've wondered about since you gave birth."

"Mmm. What?"

"The Chopec have a blood taboo. When you menstruated you stayed with the woman, and I wasn't allowed to be with you at the birth."

"So?"

"Why did the midwife let me look after you like I did? I bathed you, changed your pads, and everything."

Jim tightened his grip on Blair. "She'd never attended a birth where the mother survived after bleeding as bad as I had. She didn't think that even the herbal tea she'd prepared would make a difference. The Chopec respect you as my mate, my guide, and as a shaman." Jim buried his face in Blair's shoulder and he shuddered as he continued. "They were allowing you to pay your last respects, and to ritually clean my body."

"I ... I guess I didn't realize just how ..." Blair was too overcome with emotion to say anymore.

"It's okay Blair. I'm fine. Nessa's healthy. One way or another the gender thing will work out. Love you so much." Jim covered Blair's face with kisses.

"You sure you're okay?" Blair noticed the pained look on Jim's face, and the restless way he was moving his legs.

"Just have bad cramps this month. The ibuprofen didn't help at all."

Blair snuggled in closer to Jim, and they continued to kiss and caress each other. "It might be just an old wives tale, but I've got the cure for your cramps." Blair rubbed small circles on Jim's stomach, and when he felt Jim begin to relax he pulled his panties down, and started rubbing between Jim's legs. "Don't say anything, babe. Just let me show you how much I love you."

Jim started thrusting his hips, trying to increase the contact. "Nice. Feels good."

"If the expiry date on those condoms you have in your night table is still okay I'll show you just how good I can make you feel." Blair murmured.

"You sure? I thought the whole idea bothered you. And it's going to be messy with the bleeding."

"I love you. We don't know for sure if you're changing back. How can I deny you, deny myself, pleasure for the rest of our life's? I've come to realize the parts don't matter, it's the love we have for each other that is important."

PART 10

Blair could hear Nessa crying before he even unlocked the door. He was dumbfounded upon entering the loft to see Jim sitting on the couch, seemingly oblivious to his daughter's distress. Blair spared a moment to make sure that Jim was not zoned, then hurried to Nessa's room. He changed her diaper, heated up a bottle, and sat down on the couch to feed her. "All right Jim, what is going on?" Jim stood up and started towards the kitchen. "You've been a bear the last few days. I know you're disappointed that nothing's happened, but I thought we were dealing with that possibility."

Jim turned and faced Blair. "I might be pregnant again. You know how much I love Nessa, but I can't handle the idea of having another baby."

"Jim, sit down and let's talk about this. With Nessa you said you knew you were pregnant the day after she was conceived."

Jim came back to the living room and sat down beside Blair. He kissed the top of Nessa's head. "Daddy's sorry, baby. She only started crying just before you came in, Blair. Please believe me, I'd never do anything to harm her."

"I know Jim. Now tell me what's going on."

"I'm not positive, and it's not like even I can hear a heartbeat within the first few weeks, but I'm late and I feel lousy."

"Jim, together the two of us can handle anything. "

"No!" Jim stood up and started pacing in front of his family. "How do I hide a pregnancy this time? What story do I come up with to explain another baby? Nessa looks like an Ellison, but what if this one," Jim pointed to his stomach, "has your curly hair and my chin?"

"Jim, please calm down so we can discuss this."

Jim grabbed a few bills from his wallet and walked to the door. "I need to clear my head. Don't wait up." He left the apartment, slamming the door behind him.

For the next three hours Blair tried to keep busy, but he continued to worry about Jim and his state of mind. He put down Nessa for the night, prepared her bottles for the next day, and cleaned up the washroom. Jim had left it a mess after bathing Nessa. A knock at the door startled him, he just hoped it was Jim.

"Simon? Come in." Blair noticed the serious expression on his friend's face. "It's Jim, isn't it? What happened?"

"I just got a call from two uniforms. They answered a call about a man causing a disturbance at a bar. When one of them recognized Jim he convinced the manager not to press charges. They were driving Jim home when he collapsed."

"He's in the hospital?"

"Yes. I'll stay with Nessa if you want to go there."

"Thanks. She should sleep through the night, but ..."

"Don't worry, I've had experience. Just make sure Jim is okay."

Blair grabbed his keys and started walking out of the open door. Suddenly he realized the implications of Jim being in a hospital. "Simon." Blair turned and faced his friend. "Please don't ask me what this is all about, but the shit is going to hit the fan."

"What do you want me to do, Blair?"

"Pack up bags for the three of us, and meet me at your place. Nessa's car seat is in the front cupboard. I'll get Jim out of the hospital as soon as I can." Blair saw the puzzled expression on Simon's face. "This could be worse than the diss mess, and now we have our daughter to worry about."

"Okay. You look after your partner, and I'll take care of the details from this end." .

**************

.. Blair waited impatiently for the doctor to allow him to see Jim. Even flashing his badge had not gained him access to the examination areas. He wished he had Jim's hearing, so he'd know exactly what was happening. If Jim was lucky the busy emergency room staff would assume they were examining a man who'd had a sex change operation, but no electrolysis or female hormone therapy. Very unlikely, any ethical doctor wouldn't do sex reassignment surgery unless the man was living as a woman, and had started taking hormones. Blair was just glad that Simon hadn't questioned him, and was willing to help them.

"Blair Sandburg?" Blair was shaken out of his internal musings by hearing his name called.

"Yes?" Blair stood up and faced the young doctor. "When can I take Jim home?"

"Wait, not so fast. Let's sit down, there are a few things I want to discuss with you. When both men were seated the doctor continued. "You're marked down on Mr. Ellison's records as having his medical power of attorney?" Blair nodded, but said nothing. He didn't think that the exact nature of his relationship with Jim was this officious doctor's business. "Well, then. I spoke to the two police officers that arrested him He was drunk and causing a disturbance at a bar. He collapsed and they brought him into the emergency. We checked his blood-alcohol level, he was not legally drunk. I ordered blood work, we'll find out what he's on shortly. Meanwhile ..."

"Hey, wait a minute." Blair said indignantly. "Jim doesn't take drugs."

"When he was arrested the officers said he was talking about aborting his baby. He told them he was pregnant.".....

"This is ridiculous. Firstly, Jim is not under arrest. He had a couple of drinks, and they must have gone to his head. He just buried his wife, who died in childbirth. He's been ill and he's struggling to raise his infant daughter."

The doctor shrugged his shoulders, clearly not convinced. "He is anaemic, malnourished and dehydrated. While I sympathize with his personal situation, this man is clearly disturbed. I'm admitting him and arranging a psych consult. If you want to see him, he's still in examination room three."

"Jim, you've done it now, big guy." Blair muttered, as he bent over and kissed the forehead of his unconscious lover. Blair noticed with dismay just how thin and ill Jim looked. The bright hospital lights reflected the unhealthy, greenish tinge of his skin.

"Excuse me." A nurse came in the small room and adjusted Jim's intravenous line. She pointed to a clear plastic bag lying on the floor. "Don't forget to take that with you when he's transferred to a room. Before you accuse me of theft, when I undressed him he wasn't carrying a wallet or wearing any jewellery." She left the room, and Blair could have sworn he heard her giggling. He looked at the bag and saw on top, clearly visible and neatly folded, Jim's flowered underpants. "This is just getting worse and worse. Jim?" Blair heard Jim moan, open his eyes and grimace. "Easy there. " Blair shielded Jim's eyes with his hand. "I can't adjust the lights." Jim nodded, and after a few seconds he batted away Blair's hand.

"How'd I get here?" Jim started to sit up, but fell back on the examining table with a groan.

"Probably not a good idea right away. You don't remember anything that happened this evening?"

"I wouldn't ask if I did. Who's looking after Nessa?"

"Simon. Jim, I know you've probably got a hangover and are feeling pretty lousy, but pull yourself together."

"What was I thinking of? Drinking when I might be pregnant."

"I'm sure the baby will be fine. Right now there's the matter of the delusional transvestite that's about to be admitted to the psych ward. We've got to get you out of here."

Jim sat up and disconnected the intravenous line. "Where are my clothes?" Jim threw aside the light blanket that had covered him, stood up, and started untying the hospital gown.

"They're right ... Oh." Blair started laughing hysterically.

"Blair, what's so funny?" Blair was unable to speak and just pointed at Jim's body. Jim looked down, and also started laughing. "Guess we both forgot just how lousy I felt the first time I changed. I think it's time for us to go home to our daughter."

END