Title: Miracles

Author: CatMoran

Category: Drama, Series: Awakenings

Rating: R

Warnings: m/m, angst, Other: see story notes

Pairing: J/B, Pre-slash

Summary: Jim's thoughts following "Equilibrium".

Author's disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended. I don't own the canon characters or concept; I do own this story.

Author's notes: Not beta'd. m/m relationship implied.

Pairing: m/m implied.

Rating: R (language)

Warning: Not beta'd. m/m relationship implied.

Spoilers: For STP1, STP2 and TSbyBS.

Feedback: sure.

Archive: Personal archives - yes. Anywhere else - probably, but please ask first. Leave my headers intact.

Miracles
By CatMoran

This has been a day of mixed feelings. Most of them very positive. Seeing Blair's eyes looking at me for the first time in weeks, and hearing his voice... Because I had an audience (no, not Simon or the nurse, him), I restrained myself to the biggest smile I could manage without breaking my face.

He's asleep, now. But he's here. I can see his eyes moving behind his eyelids. And his fingers twitching. And even when he's not dreaming, there's something intangible that lets me know that it's just sleep, that he'll wake up.

A couple days ago I said that Blair was ignorant when he first started to ride along. Well, he's got nothing on me. I didn't have a clue until I read his journals. He writes everything down, he must be compulsive about it. Everyday mundane things, discoveries he's made, and his own thoughts and feelings. When I realized what I was reading, I tried to skip past the personal stuff, but I had no idea what might be important...

Oh, who am I trying to kid. I wouldn't be a detective if I wasn't curious. So what if I'm usually afraid of what I'm going to find out, that doesn't stop me. If I was a cat, I'd be dead by now.

I don't know whether to feel like shit, or feel elated. Somewhere in the middle is safest, but I don't think I can do that right now.

People think that Blair is weak. If they only knew what I know, they'd know they were idiots, too. I don't mean physically--Blair dispelled that idea, at least to me, pretty early on. Not intellectually either, pretty much everyone knows that he's a genius. Except maybe him. But emotionally... OK, so the last month has been pretty bad. Understatement of the year. But the last two years have been such an unqualified disaster, it's a wonder he held on this long.

The whole diss thing is a no-brainer. I knew that even when I was still acting like a Neanderthal about it. I've got to learn to control that, or it will kill him. And that'll kill me. I'm not talking about something simple like guilt killing me, either. I love the guy. I have for ages. Not from the first, I was as blind and willing to believe his facade as anyone back then. But the first time I got a glimmer of the real Blair Sandburg... The guy who could argue death in the face and keep his cool, when he had no idea if the cavalry was going to get there in time. The guy who wants to heal everyone, even the monsters--and can still defend himself effectively when he needs to. Except against me... I'm the only one he's got no defense against. As many times as I've saved him, there are more times that I've nearly destroyed him. Sometimes even when I'm trying to save him, I'm killing him.

After I got him back at the fountain, he actually thought I didn't care. Of course he thought that--I was so fucking terrified that he'd find out how much I do care, that I did a fantastic job of hiding it. So the cracks in his heart and soul got just a little wider, while I congratulated myself on what a great job I was doing, acting 'normal'. And that went on for months. Why is he still here? Why didn't he slap together a diss, get his PhD and skip town? Or just grab the first expedition offer that came along? I don't know, and neither, apparently, does he. Just another miracle, I guess.

He aced the academy. Top in all his classes, just about. And he hated every minute of it. He knew he was totally unsuited for the job. Not the protecting, that comes as naturally to him as it does to me. But knowing that he might have to shoot to kill... he wrote about that a lot. Tried to work it out on paper before it really happened. But in the end, I guess the cracks were just too wide and he finally fell apart. And I nearly screwed up saving him that time, too. Another miracle, that he's still here.

He thinks that I don't need him, he honestly has no idea how many times he's saved me just by being there. Just by being himself.

He loves me (and I can't help but smile when I think that,) but he thinks that I couldn't love him. He was pretty plain in his journals--he's not talking about brotherly love. Neither am I. I guess there's a lot about my background I've never told him. Hell, I've barely told myself, how could he know?

We'll have to talk. But not now. He's got a lot of healing to do. And I've got to be careful. This is one time that the miracle can't backfire. Not when I've finally gotten him back.

The End
(c) CatMoran 2000