Title: Blair Sandburg: Guide, Shaman, Healer

Author: Carol Rose Cappe aka beaver

Disclaimers: Standard

Warnings: None

Note: I'm offering up this story for anybody that needs it for their dues. Just let me know and you will be credited.

spell checked only

Blair Sandburg: Guide, Shaman, Healer
by Carol Rose Cappe aka beaver

"Hey man, I thought you'd be glad to be home from the hospital. What's wrong?"

"What's wrong?" Jim leaned back on the couch and glanced at his right arm, resting in a sling, a bulky plaster cast extending from just below his shoulder to the tips of his fingers. "It's sort of obvious, isn't it? I'm tired and I'm going to bed." Jim levered himself off the couch and slowly made his way to the washroom.

"Need a hand?"

"I can manage." Jim responded curtly. A few minutes later Jim walked back to the couch, where Blair still sat. There was a sheepish expression on his face as he sat down bedside his lover. "I'm sorry, Chief. I shouldn't take my frustrations out on you." Jim leaned into Blair's embrace and softly continued, "You're the best thing that ever happened to me.... I love you so much, Blair."

"Love you too." Both men turned and Blair gently kissed Jim. "You broke your arm in a freak accident. It's going to be in a cast for two months, then you're looking at some rehab time. It must be awkward being your right arm and such, but gee, why the attitude?"

"I spoke to the surgeon yesterday. It's not as simple as you're making out. I broke my elbow, and there was major nerve and tendon damage. Right now there's little feeling or function in my forearm, my hand, or my fingers. It's unlikely there will be any significant improvement, no matter how hard I work at it. I'm permanently disabled and I'm finished as a cop."

"Oh, Jim, love. You didn't tell me. I didn't know. Is the doctor sure? Maybe you should get a second opinion. You know that what ever happens I'm here for you. If you do have to resign from the force I can help, I'm certainly the expert on mid-stream career changes." There was a stricken expression on Blair's face, and he hugged Jim fiercely.

"Whoa. Catch a breath. I guess I felt if I didn't tell you then it couldn't be true. Yeah, I know. Denial is my middle name. The doctor has had another orthopaedic guy look at my films, they're both in agreement. But I didn't need them to confirm what my senses told me a week ago. Even before the infection cleared up and the cast was put on I knew I'd probably face some impairment. Rehab is starting tomorrow for me. I have to learn how to manage with one hand. As to the future, I'm just not ready to deal with that right now."

"Okay, it's not like anything has to be decided tonight."

" Blair?"

"What?"

"This doesn't change things between us, does it?" Jim looked worriedly at the younger man. "Even if I'm no longer a cop, you'll still be my partner, won't you?"

"Jim, please believe me. I love you. I'm here for the duration. Nothing else matters. Just promise me, don't shut me out, and if you need help, ask me."

"I think I get the message." Jim smiled slightly. "I really am tired and I'm going to pack it in early, but I could use an extra hand."

"You just have to ask." The two men walked upstairs together. " Let's get you settled for the night, and after I tidy up I'll be back upstairs to join you."

*

Blair and Jim sat on the couch, watching a college basketball game. Only crumbs remained of the large pizza they had eaten. "Man, that was a great pizza. I'm getting another beer, can I grab one for you, Jim?"

"Sure, thanks." Blair sat down beside Jim and handed him a bottle. "Oh, and Chief, thanks for the compliment."

"Compliment? What are you talking about, Jim?"

"The pizza, you said it was great. I made it from scratch this afternoon."

"You must be kidding!" Blair looked at the smile on Jim's face. "No, you're not kidding. Wow. I didn't know that you were so talented."

"In rehab they keep telling me that I'll only become proficient in using my left arm if I try to do everything with it.

"What did the doctor say? You had an appointment today, didn't you?"

"Just about what I expected." Jim shrugged. "The fracture is healing, the cast should be off in four weeks, and the arm shows no signs of improvement. What about you, how was your day?"

"Fine, I seemed to spend most of the day tracking down leads that didn't pan out. I'm sorry, Jim. I hoped you'd get more encouraging news. But I must say, you continue to amaze me. The fact that you made the pizza just blows me away. You're driving, typing better and faster than you ever did, you're able to figure out a way to do almost anything. You seem to be adjusting so readily ."

Jim shrugged again. "It's not like I have much choice. I consider my circumstances a challenge, I want to see what I can do one handed, like making a pizza." Jim finished the beer and set the bottle down on the coffee table. He cupped Blair's face with his left hand. "It's you that I'm worried about. Something seems to be bothering you. Spill."

"You're right. I haven't wanted to say anything, you've got enough to cope with without dealing with my problems, but I don't understand it."

"Understand what? I can't help if I don't know what's bothering you."

"Have you been having any dreams or visions?"

"No, is that what this is about?"

"Yeah. Incacha started appearing in my dreams about a week ago. All he says is that I have to fulfil my destiny and be the healer. I presume he means that I'm supposed to heal you. I keep trying to question him, I want to know how I'm supposed to heal you."

"What else does he say?"

"Nothing helpful, absolutely nothing. He just smiles and repeats that I'm the healer. Jim, I know that you have a hard time accepting the mystical connection that exists between us, but do you have any idea what he means?"

Jim didn't answer for a few minutes. He turned off the television and hugged Blair. "Incacha never says exactly what he means, Chief. If you could heal my arm by touching it, well, my arm would be physically healed. I think he means 'heal' in a more metaphysical sense." Blair looked puzzled. "I know I'm rambling, but bear with me. I think I'm beginning to understand. Blair, my world turned upside down when I realized how badly injured I was. Since then I've had bad days, I'm constantly frustrated at my limitations, I have no idea what I'm going to do with the rest of my life, but I'm not depressed. And no, I'm not in denial. I'm doing well. Blair, don't you see? You have healed me. I'm where I am today because of your support, your encouragement, and especially because of your love."

"Jim, if what you say is true, why do I continue to have the visions?"

"Blair, love, that's the easy part. You have to accept that I'm healed. Once you can do that, I think the dreams will stop."

"It's that easy?"

"Yes, I think it's that easy, and that hard."

"Shush, Blair. It's okay. It's okay, love." Jim tried to soothe his trembling partner. He gathered Blair as close to him as possible, and gently rubbed his back. Blair burrowed his face into Jim's shoulder, whimpering softly. "You had the vision again, didn't you?" Blair only nodded in agreement, his shaking subsiding as he continued to be held tightly. "Was it any different than before? Blair, please, answer me."

"No, it was the same. Incacha just keeps repeating the stuff about destiny and healing. I'm sorry Jim, I'm really sorry. I don't know what to do. I just know that this can't continue. I'm a mess, and now I'm disturbing your sleep too."

"That's all right, I just wish you'd spoken to me when this all started. Okay, I'm on the wrong track. maybe you are able to physically heal me. Tell you what, why don't we go downstairs and you'll make us both a cup of tea? Then we'll have a brain storming session."

"Jim, it's four in the morning!"

"So? Today's Saturday, neither of us has anything to do first thing in the morning. Let's try to figure this out, then we can go back to bed and sleep in. Later, I'll treat you to lunch at that new cafe you've been wanting to try."

*

"Hey, you sleeping?"

"Nope, just thinking. I'm working some things out in my mind."

"Jim?"

"Mmm?"

"I don't get it."

"What don't you get? By the way, thanks for the tea."

"Anytime. I'm the guide. Whenever you've run into a problem before, it's me that has the ideas. This time I'm a blank, yet you seem to have all the answers. Bit of a role reversal here."

"Don't sweat it Chief. Whatever works." Jim sat up straighter, smiled, set his mug down on the coffee table, and took Blair's hand. "Remember the first time we made love?"

"Yes!"

"We both said afterwards that it was more than just an affirmation of our love for each other, and much more than just great sex. It seemed so right, like it was our destiny, a bonding between Sentinel and Guide. But Blair, I think Incacha's trying to tell you that we never completed the bonding. When we do, then you can be the healer, and fulfil your destiny, whatever that means."

"Jim, you've lost me love. What the heck are you are you trying to say?"

"The first time, we agreed I would make love to you. Then I was injured, and it's been too awkward for you to make love to me. Any position we tried, the cast kept getting in the way, or I couldn't balance with just one arm. Let's go back upstairs and finally just do it." Jim stood up and attempted to pull up Blair. "Blair, babe. Are you joining me? I can't do it alone. Blair, snap out of it!"

"I'm okay." Blair stood up and kissed Jim's cheek. "I was back with Incacha. He said 'finally'. And I know just how to make it work. You'll lie on your back, with pillows under your hips to raise them up, and your legs resting on my shoulders. It's not the best position to use for the first time, but I'll be gentle."

"I know, Blair. I trust you."

"Thanks, Jim." Blair bounded down the stair, doing up his shirt on the run, and eagerly accepted the mug of coffee from Jim. "Gosh, I'm running late. I know there's something bothering you, but I'll catch up with you tonight, okay?"

"That's fine, Chief. I'll be here." Jim turned and leaned against the kitchen counter, his shoulders slumped, absentmindedly rubbing the cast.

Blair looked at him more closely. "Hate to say it man, but you look like shit. Work can wait, I think you need to talk now."

"It'll keep, if you leave now you'll be right on time."

"So, I don't think Simon will fire me. Sometimes I forget where my priorities lie." Blair glanced at his watch and grimaced. "But I better phone him, just in case. Sit down on the couch, and I'll join you in a sec."

"I'm pretty sure I know the answer, but satisfy my curiosity. Have you had any more visions?"

"No, they stopped. What's going on, Jim? Incacha hasn't started coming to you with cryptic messages, has he?"

"Nothing like that. I guess I just expected more. I was fooling myself when I told you I was okay with this." Jim angrily poked at his cast. "The truth is, Blair, it sucks. The cast comes off in less than two weeks. I'll spend some time in therapy, useless as that will be. Then what?"

"Some healer I turned out to be, right?"

"Don't talk like that. I told you before, you're what keeps me going. Never forget that, Blair Sandburg." Jim rubbed his temple and frowned. "Headache?"

"Not really, I just can't control my senses. Don't get alarmed, they're not spiking or anything like that. It's just that after all this time the cast stinks. I've had to turn down my sense of smell for weeks now."

"You should have told me you were having trouble with the dials."

"Up to a couple of days ago I was managing fine, but now I also want to turn down touch. My arm's itching like crazy, and it's driving me crazy. I can't seem to get both senses dampened at the same time."

"Let me see. Slip off the sling. Yeah, you've been losing muscle mass." Blair ran his fingers along the top of the cast. "It's quite loose, you'd have no trouble sticking a knitting needle down there, that would help. Tonight, when I have more time, we'll go through some exercises. We'll get you some control, and some relief."

"Blair, at the hospital they told me not to get the cast wet, and not to stick anything in it."

"So much for that idea. Try to relax and not fixate too much. It's like you're at cross purposes when you're so tense."

"Yeah, take deep breaths, centre myself, try to meditate, I know the drill." Jim stood up. "Now, I think you'd better get to work, before Simon sends out a search party. I'll be fine."

Blair laughed as Jim's good-bye kiss quickly turned amorous. "Later, big guy. I think we have a busy night ahead of us."

*

"What, you startled me Chief. Why are you back? What happened in just ten minutes? I haven't seen you look so excited in ages."

Blair just kept hugging and kissing Jim, a huge smile on his face. "Do it again, Jim."

"Do what again? As much as I enjoy this the clock is ticking."

"You're rubbing the cast against your body, I guess it's the only way you can scratch the itch."

"So? You've lost me here."

"Just watch exactly what you're doing." Jim still looked puzzled. "Don't you see, Jim. You're rubbing the lower part of your arm, the area that's been completely numb for weeks. If you're getting back feeling there, maybe the healing has finally started." Jim hugged Blair, a huge smile also lighting up his face. "I'm unsure how much, if anything, I had to do with this ..."

"That doesn't matter, Blair. Thanks. Thanks for all that you are to me. And thanks for giving me hope."

END