A Time to Heal
By: Lvblair
O.k. they are not mine, nor will they ever be ~Sigh~
yadda, yadda, yadda,.
Ok I also promised myself I would not do a S2
story…..but it couldn’t be helped. So here it is…..let me know what you think……
A Time to Heal
By: Lvblair
Jim stared at Alex as they carried her away. Jim felt
his chest tighten.
That could be me… No, no, no…don’t go there. Jim
didn’t want to think…. because if he let himself think…. he would have to
acknowledge how badly he had treated Blair these past weeks. God the look of
hurt on Blair’s face when he said those damaging words. "I need a partner
I can trust." Then he really twisted the knife in when Blair caught them
kissing on the beach. Jesus! She pointed a gun at Blair. HIS GUN! And yet he
did nothing. Worse still he pushed Blair further away. He looked over and saw
Blair standing by Simon and Megan looking so lost. I need to talk to him. But
not right now. I can’t think straight. As he was staring at Blair, Blair looked
up and blue eyes met blue eyes. Jim quickly looked away. Jim stood and walked
towards one of the jeeps, missing the hurt look that crossed Sandburg’s face.
God, thought Blair, he can’t even look at me. Well
I’ve got no one to blame but myself. Blair felt numb and empty inside. I’ve
lost everything. My friend, my home…. everything that really mattered to him.
All for what? All for my dissertation Blair thought with disgust. What good was
it now?
"Blair are you o.k."
"Huh?"
Blair looked up into the concerned eyes of Simon
Banks. O.k. he thought no far from it. Actually he felt sick. He still hadn’t
recovered from drowning. He felt congested and hot. He felt miserable and so
alone. But no one would know. Yea it was time to make a few changes in his
life. He put on a forced smile and said….
"Yea Simon, I’m fine thanks man."
Simon didn’t buy it.
"Yea, right. Well let’s get back to the hotel.
Everything here is wrapped up and we all could use some rest before we go
home."
HOME!!!! Blair felt his heart break yet again. What
home? I don’t have a home anymore.
A deep depression overcame him. He turned and noticed
Jim in one of the jeeps already full with local officers. No room for me, in
the jeep, in the loft, in Jim’s life. The knife twisted a little more in
Blair’s heart. God it hurt so badly. But truth be told it was his own fault.
Naomi always told him not to get too attached. Never stay in one place for too
long. But it felt so good to come home to someone. To have such a good friend.
A best friend. A place to call home. The last part of his heart shattered.
Nothing mattered anymore. He climbed into the jeep next to Simon and Megan.
Despair and depression weighing heavily on him. Yea…. definitely time to make
some changes.
By the time they arrived at the hotel it was dark. Jim
went to his room without saying a word to anyone. Megan and Simon looked from
Jim’s retreating back to the crushed look on Blair’s face. Neither knew what to
say. Little did they know that a plan had already formed in Blair’s fevered
brain.
"Blair." Simon started to say something but
was cut off by Blair.
"Simon, I’m o.k."
He stopped at the look Simon gave him.
"O.k. so I’m not quite o.k. But I will be. I just
need some rest."
Simon didn’t like the way Blair looked.
"Go on Simon. Go get some rest. We all need some
rest."
Simon squeezed Blair’s shoulder.
"O.k. I’ll see you in the morning."
Megan kissed Blair on the cheek.
"Hang in there
Blair smiled tiredly at them as he watched them go. He
waited until he was sure they were gone. Then he asked the clerk to cancel his
room and get the next available flight back to Cascade. As luck would have it
the next flight left in an hour. Things happened quickly then. Everything
seemed like a blur. The next thing he knew he was sitting on a flight back to
Cascade.
* * * * * *
Jim, Simon and Megan stood together waiting at the
front desk ready to check out. Then they would go for a quick bite to eat and
off to the airport. Jim was getting impatient.
"Damn it!! What is taking Sandburg so long?"
He paced back and forth a few more times.
"Calm down Jim. He might have overslept. I’ll ask
the clerk to ring his room."
Simon walked over to the counter.
"Excuse me could you please ring Mr. Sandburg’s
room and let him know that we are waiting for him."
Simon did not like the confused look that crossed the
clerks face. He didn’t think he really wanted to know.
"Ummm…. Is there a problem?" Simon asked.
" I’m sorry senior. Senior Sandburg checked out
last night and took the first flight back to cascade."
Three dumbfounded people looked back at him.
"Are you sure it was Senior Sandburg?" Asked
Jim.
"Si Senor. I booked the flight myself."
If Jim felt anything he didn’t show it. Well what did
you expect, Ellison?
God he was an ass. He should have said something to
Blair. All of a sudden Megan spoke up.
"I don’t know about anyone else…..but I’m not so
hungry anymore."
They all agreed to go directly to the airport. It was
going to be a long flight.
* * * * * *
Blair stood in the middle of his office. He didn’t
feel safe here anymore. His last memory of his office was of Alex pointing a
gun at him. He remembered the fear as he walked towards that fountain. Images
of him desperately trying to breathe and only sucking in water slammed into
him.
"Damn it calm down…..you so don’t need a panic
attack now." He whispered to himself. He felt so incredibly alone now. He
sat at his desk put his head in his hands and cried. He cried for the loss of
his home, the loss of his life, but most of all for the loss of his friendship.
The best thing that ever happened to him was gone. He cried for a long time.
Finally he pulled himself together. He had so much to do this morning. He
reached into his backpack to pull out a fresh change of clothes and two
prescriptions fell out on to his desk. The meds he got when he left the
hospital. He left promising the doctors he would take the medication. With
everything that went on he simply forgot. He really didn’t feel well. His chest
hurt. He felt congested……..he knew he had a fever. So tired and so much to do.
He was about the throw them away but stopped. As much as he hated taking
prescriptions……he just might need them. He quickly stuffed them in his jacket
pocket. He changed and cleaned himself up. He looked up
"Come in."
"Hi Chancellor Edwards. You got a minute.?"
"Mr. Sandburg how nice of you to show up."
Blair winced at the sarcasm in her voice.
"Actually Mr. Sandburg, I wanted to meet with
you. You saved me a phone call."
"Ummm. About what?" Blair had a feeling he
wasn’t going to like this.
"About your little trip to
Anger flared to life in Blair.
"You have no right to force me to make that
decision. I have spent years of my life devoted to Rainer."
"Blair you have yet to submit a part or even a
rough draft of you dissertation."
"umm. Actually that is what I wanted to talk to
you about." Blair said softly.
Edwards glanced up and sighed. "What exactly
about your dissertation ?"
"Well I was wondering if I could change the
topic." He saw the chancellors frown. "Since I couldn’t find a test
subject." He quickly blurted out.
"Mr. Sandburg changing your dissertation topic
now is really not recommended. Please tell me you have something to hand
in."
"Well no I don’t. But it wouldn’t take me long to
type up something….a day or two…" He was cut off.
"Mr. Sandburg…look I do feel for you. I know
you’ve been through a lot but that does not excuse your behavior. You are
attacked in your office and land in the hospital. Once out of the hospital you
drop everything run off to
Blair was stunned. SUSPENDED!
"But Chancellor Edwards…."
"Was there something else Mr. Sandburg?"
Blair stared at her disbelievingly.
"No." he said weakly. He turned and left. It
was not suppose to happen this way. He made his way back to his office. What
would he do now? Everything was gone now. EVERYTHING! HOME, FRIEND, JOB. All
gone! Where would he go? His trip to Mexico just about tapped him out. He
hardly had enough for a hotel room. He picked up his backpack and one of the
bottles of medication fell out of his pocket. He picked it up. Jim should have
never brought me back he thought sadly. Yea one more change to make. He
pocketed the bottle once again. He gathered up all his Sentinel research and
boxed it. Then he wrote a letter to Jim.
Dear Jim,
Hi. I hope you are doing o.k. I put something together
for you. This is something I wanted you to have. I won’t need it anymore. I’ve
put together all my sentinel research. You are going to have find a new guide
to ride with. This should help. Simon can help you find someone you can trust.
Megan has found out about your sentinel abilities. She would make a good guide
for you. She’ll find everything she needs in the research. It’s time for me to
move on. It’s been great Jim, the time I’ve spent with you. I wouldn’t change
any of it…..well maybe the drowning part. But being your partner was the best
thing in my life and it’s something I will truly miss. Well there’s nothing
left holding me here anymore, so time to move on. I’ll cherish the time I had
with you. You’ll always have a place in my heart. I never had a best friend
before and for that I thank you. I hope you get everything you want out of
life. Hey no hard feelings huh? I’m leaving this life…….
If I left anything behind in the loft just sell it or
throw it away.
Detaching with love,
Blair
Blair placed the letter on top of the contents in the
box and sealed it. He addressed it to Jim. He’d use the last of his money to
send the package courier so it would get there today and the rest of what was
left of his meager cash to gas up the Volvo. Blair gathered his back pack and
picked up the box. He took one last look around his office. His eyes filled
with unshed tears and he quietly shut the door.
* * * * * * *
Later that afternoon Simon sat with Jim in the loft.
They were both tired. But Simon was reluctant to leave Jim alone.
"Simon I don’t know how to fix this. God I’ve
been such an ass. How could I say all those terrible things to Blair? I need a
partner I can trust. !" Jim mimicked his own words. "God I’d be in an
institution now or dead if it weren’t for Blair."
"Have you tried to call him?"
"No, I don’t know what I’d say."
"How about I’m sorry for starters."
"Simon…." He was interrupted by a knock at
the door. He got up and opened it.
"I’ve got a package for Mr. Ellison."
Jim signed for the package and brought it by Simon
setting it on the coffee table.
"It’s from Blair."
Jim looked at the package like it would take a hand
off if he tried to open it.
"Well are you going to open it or not?"
"Simon I don’t think I can."
Simon sighed and got up. He pulled the box open. He
looked at the contents confused. He picked up the letter and read it aloud. Jim
could smell the salty tears that had fallen upon the letter as it was written.
He could picture Blair crying as he wrote it. As Simon read the letter cold
fear gripped Jim.
"Oh dear god…..Simon we have to find him. I have
to speak to him. Make him understand."
Jim looked up and Simon was already on the phone.
"This is Captain Banks. I need and A.P.B. on a
green Volvo license…." Simon’s words drifted as Jim read the letter again.
The words were like a punch to his gut. "I’m leaving this life……"
Please don’t let it mean what I think. Oh god Blair what have I done to you.
Please god please let me find him.
* * * * * * * * *
Turns out Blair didn’t have enough money to send the
package and fill the Volvo. He paid for the package and put what was left into
the gas tank. He was parked on the side of the road. The gas having run out
sooner than he thought. Fuck, fuck, fuck. 10 more miles and he would have been
out of Cascade. Oh well it didn’t matter now. Oh man he felt awful. He knew he
had a fever. His chest felt tight and he was so congested he was having trouble
breathing. As he pulled out the prescription bottles he was struck with a
coughing fit. Soon he thought no more pain…..no more loneliness. No one would
miss him anyway. Well maybe Naomi. But she had her circle of friends that would
help her thought it. She would be o.k. She always manages to land on her feet.
His one regret was that he would not hear her voice one more time. Speak to her
one last time. He looked at the letter addressed to her on the dashboard. He
opened the first bottle and slowly swallowed every pill with a bottle of water
from his backpack. Then he started on the second bottle. Just to make sure.
Then he leaned back and let the tears fall. He cried until he fell asleep. This
is it he thought. His last thought before darkness claimed him was if Jim.
"Goodbye Jim." He whispered. Oblivion.
* * * * *
Jim sat in Simon’s office feeling helpless and
useless. He jumped as the phone rang.
Simon’s large dark hand snatched it up in a flash.
"Banks." He shouted. He listened then said.
"Were on our way."
Jim stood up so quickly he almost knocked the chair
over. Simon looked at Jim. God this is gonna kill him he thought.
"A patrol car found Blair’s Volvo parked on the
side of the road heading out of Cascade. It was out of gas. Blair was
unconscious. They found two empty prescription bottles in his lap. He is still
alive. They’re taking him to Cascade General. We can beat them there. I’m
driving Jim."
As Simon predicted they arrived before the ambulance.
Jim paced until the ambulance pulled up. He stood by helplessly as they wheeled
Blair in. God he looked so pale. Jim could feel the heat coming off the young
man in waves.
"God Simon, this is all my fault."
Damn it Jim you wanna hold off on the guilt and pity
party. Blair is going to need all the support he can get right now. He is going
to need all of us."
"What can I do?"
"Start praying."
It felt like hours had passed before a doctor came out
to speak to them. The same doctor it turns out that treated Blair when he
drowned.
"Are you hear for Mr. Sandburg?"
Simon and Jim jumped up.
"Yes, yes, Dr. Burden right?"
The doctor seemed surprised that Jim remembered his
name.
"Yes, that’s right."
"Is Blair going to be alright?" Jim asked
worriedly.
"Come let’s go somewhere more private."
He brought them to the staff lounge.
"Please have a seat."
They all sat closely. Jim was terrified. Please, please,
please let him be alright. Were the only thoughts through Jim’s mind.
"Well Mr. Sandburg ingested two very powerful
bottles of prescription drugs. We’ve pumped his stomach and given him charcoal
for what we may have missed. The problem is we don’t know how long it was in
his system before he was found. He also has pneumonia. His fever is pretty high
its 104 were trying to get it down now."
Simon closed his eyes……..and asked almost in a
whisper.
"Will he be alright?"
"Honestly, I don’t know yet. He was nowhere near
recovered from his drowning incident. If he makes it though the next 24hrs he’s
got a good shot of making a full recovery. Then we can see if the drugs did any
damage."
"Damage." Both Simon and Jim said in union.
"Yes, like I said we don’t know how long it was
in his system before he was found. It could have caused brain damage, damage to
fine motor skills, among other things. But let’s take this one step at a time.
Let’s get through the next 24hrs."
"Can I see him?" Jim was beside himself.
The doctor looked at Jim’s face. The worry, the sorrow
and heartbreak all clear on his face.
"Actually it might help. Come on I’ll take you to
his room."
Simon squeezed Jim’s shoulder. "Keep me
informed."
"Yea Simon.. Thanks. "
"Hey I care about the kid too."
"I know Simon. I know." Jim said his eyes
filled with unshed tears.
Anxiety filled Jim as he neared Blair’s room. Jim was
stunned when he finally saw Blair. He looked so small and frail lying in the
hospital bed. God he is so pale. The heart monitor beeped in the background. An
oxygen mask covered Blair’s face. An I.V. ran in to his hand. *God Blair I am
so sorry.* Jim pulled a chair close and sat by Blair’s bed. He leaned forward
and put his hand on Blair’s forehead.
"Please Chief, " he whispered "please
be o.k."
Time passed yet there was no change in Blair. Jim kept
his hands constantly on Blair. Holding his hand, stroking his forehead, petting
his hair. Jim squeezed Blair’s shoulder as he sensed a change in Blair.
"Chief?" He said softly. "Can you hear
me Chief?"
The monitor suddenly went crazy as Blair stiffened and
went into a seizure. Cold terror gripped Jim he shot up and ran to the door.
"Help! Help! I need a doctor in here!"
The room filled in seconds with hospital staff. Jim
was pushed out into the hallway. Never in his life did he feel so helpless.
God I’ll find a way to make this up to you but please
be alright. Jim looked up and saw the grim face of Captain Banks walking towards
him.
"Simon I thought you went home."
"No, not yet. How’s the kid?"
"Not good. Simon he just went into a seizure. I
just don’t know. The doctor is in with him now."
Simon didn’t want to tell Jim this it was going to
kill him. But he had to find out sooner or later.
"Jim?"
"Yea," Jim really didn’t like the look on
Simon’s face and he had a feeling he wasn’t going to like what he was about to
say.
"I called the University and spoke to Chancellor
Edwards." Simon said her name with a sneer. " I wanted to tell her
what happened to Blair and to get his classes and responsibilities covered.
Well turns out he’s been suspended."
Jim was shocked SUSPENDED!!! Then Jim exploded.
"SUSPENDED! Why….?"
"Well she said it was mostly because of his
absences and she said he his responsibilities to the University were second to
the P.D. Also she said he has yet to hand in any part of his dissertation and
then flipped when Blair told her he wanted to change his topic to something
along the lines of the police force. But she said his little trip to Mexico was
the final straw and he is suspended until the dissertation committee can meet.
God what a mess."
Jim couldn’t speak. Blair did this because he felt he
lost everything. Guilt swept through Jim.
"Simon this is all my fault."
"Hang on there Jim, I’m just as guilty. I always
forget that Blair has a job with the University. I just expect him to be at the
station. To be your partner." He sighed disgusted with himself. They both
looked up when the doctor came out.
"How is he? Is he going to be o.k? What caused
this seizure?"
"Relax Detective. He’s stable for now. Look you
have to remember that Mr. Sandburg overdosed on two very powerful drugs.
Frankly I’m not all that surprised at this seizure. But he is stable now. Why
don’t you go home and get some rest. I doubt he’ll wake up at all tonight. You
look like you’re about to fall flat on your back."
"Actually I’d like to stay here. Keep an eye on
him. I want to be here when he wakes up."
"Like I said I doubt he’ll wake up tonight. You
really should go home and rest. Mr. Sandburg is going to need a lot of support
and you won’t do him any good if you collapse from exhaustion. So go home and
rest Detective. Mr. Sandburg will be with us for a while."
Jim looked confused.
"You just said he was stable. How long will he be
here?"
"Detective surely you know that when a suicide
attempt is brought in we are to hold and evaluate them in the phyciatrict ward
for 30 days at least until we feel he is not a danger to himself or anyone else
for that matter."
Jim paled.
"Doctor Blair can’t stay here for that amount of
time. Especially in the psychiatric ward."
"Jim," Simon tried to interrupt.
"No Simon. He can’t take that! Especially not
after all he’s been through." Jim turned to the doctor. " Sir can you
release him into my care."
"Detective he attempted suicide and he almost
succeeded. He needs help. He needs to be watched so he doesn’t try it
again."
"Please Doctor I can do this. I’ll sign anything.
And I can make sure I’m with him for 24/7. Please I’m begging you not to do
this to Blair."
Dr. Burden felt torn. But he saw the look on Jim’s
face and somehow he knew that Jim would do anything for Blair.
"Well ….I guess I can release him into your care.
You’re sure you’ll be able to be with him 24/7 and make sure he takes his meds
and sees a therapist."
"Yes.! Yes to all even if I have to cram the meds
down his throat."
"Fine we’ll discuss this further when Mr.
Sandburg wakes up."
Jim felt relieved. "Thanks Doc."
"Now Detective go home," he smiled kindly
"and get some rest."
"If Blair wakes up…."
"You’ll be called immediately."
Jim smiled. "Thank you".
"Come on Jim," Simon tugged on Jim’s arm
"I’ll drive you home."
* * * * * *
The next morning…..
Blair wanted to stay in the darkness. He felt numb. He
didn’t want to come out of his save haven……But the constant beating was so
annoying and was pulling him out of a deep sleep. But the constant beeping was
annoying. What the hell is that he thought anyway. But something else was pulling
him out of the deep sleep. It sounded like a voice. NO, NO, NO!!!! I want to
stay here. I don’t have to worry or think or do anything here. Please leave me
here.
"Bla….can…..me……..open……..eyes……..Chief?"
That voice sounded familiar.
"Go……a……away." Blair said weakly not
realizing he spoke out loud.
Jim jumped to his feet. One hand on Blair’s forehead
the other grasping his hand. He hadn’t gotten much sleep last night and came
back as soon as the hospital allowed him to. But Blair was still unconscious then.
But he was coming to now. Blair could tell him to go fuck himself and that
would be fine so long as he woke up.
"Chief."
Blair slowly opened heavy lids. He couldn’t make out
anything at first. A blur came into his view. His vision started to clear and
the first thing he noticed were the blue eyes that stared into his own. Blair
groaned and closed his eyes.
"Blair……..please Chief open your eyes."
Blair opened his eyes. "What am I doing here Jim?
"What are you doing here?" Jim echoed his
question.
"Chief ….God….why….Blair why did you try to…..try
to….."
"Just putting things the way they were suppose to
be Jim."
"I don’t understand."
"You never should have brought me back Jim. I
wished you just left me alone and let me have stayed dead."
Jim felt like he had been sucker punched. He let go of
his pain and let the tears fall.
"Please Blair, please don’t talk like that. I’m
so sorry. I never should have kicked you out. We really have to talk
buddy."
Blair laughed.
"Buddy. Huh?"
"What’s so funny?"
"You made your choice Jim."
"Chief I don’t understand….."
"You should be with Alex. You had no trouble
falling all over yourself for her in Mexico."
Jim started to get angry.
"Damn it Blair I couldn’t help that. It was
something going on with my senses."
"Yea."
"Blair what do you want me to say here. It wasn’t
something I had control over."
"SHE MURDERED ME! She killed me. Yet you ran off
to her. Then she held your gun on me. I really thought you were going to let
her shoot me. No Jim, I don’t want you to say anything. Just leave me
alone."
SHUT UP! He told himself.
"I’m so sorry Blair. I really am. I never wanted
to hurt you. I just wanted to make sure you were o.k. I know I’ve made a lot of
mistakes. I really fucked up. Big time. Please let’s try to work though this.
I’ll do anything. You are the most important person in my life. My family…..my
brother. You may not be my blood brother……..but you’re my brother by choice. I
need you Blair. So much. Give me a chance to make this up. I don’t know if I can,
but I’ll try. Just don’t leave me."
Blair was shocked. Jim never talked about his
feelings, NEVER. This more Jim said about his feelings in all the years Blair
had known Jim.
"Do you mean that Jim? Cause I don’t think I can
take it if you don’t. I’m so tired Jim."
Jim stroked Blair’s hair. "Just promise me one
thing Chief."
Blair looked at him. And was shocked to see fresh
tears fall.
"Please, you must promise me that you’ll never do
anything like this again. Don’t ever try to hurt yourself. Promise me. I really
thought I was going to lose you for good. Blair I couldn’t take it if something
happened to you. Swear it, Chief, please."
Blair felt his own tears fall. "I’m sorry Jim. I
just felt like you didn’t need me anymore. I felt like you …..you threw me away."
Jim pulled Blair into his arms and crushed him to his
chest. They held each other tight. Yes, now the healing could begin. Finally
Sentinel and guide were together. They could start healing each other.
THE END