Pagliacci - A story of the world of Ranma 1/2
by Kickaha
Fandom: Ranma 1/2
Pairing: N/A
Rating: PG
Summary: Ranma isn't the only person to have adventures, you know. Sometimes, it's the little people who have all the fun... and the troubles
Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 characters and situations are copyright 1987, 1999 by Takahashi Rumiko. Publishing rights (Japan) by Shogakukan Inc. Publishing rights (North America) by Viz Inc. This work is not intended to infringe those rights.
Pagliacci - A story of the world of Ranma 1/2
by Kickaha
Chapter 1
Gosunkugi Hikaru wasn't a martial artist. He wasn't much of a physical specimen at all, in fact. A loud shout was all that was really needed to knock him flat on his rear. And he was just as blind to the facts of life in Nerima as anyone else involved in the chaos that surrounded Saotome Ranma.
But he did have one small gift. It wasn't much, and he didn't quite know how to make use of it properly. Still, it was his.
He knew how to research. He studied things with an obsession that even Ranma and Kuno might have respected if they weren't entirely devoted to martial arts. And now that gift was about to change his life.
* * *
His hands shook as he opened the package his mother had just brought to his room. Covered with stamps from America, it was quite colorful. He'd recently spoken with Tendou Nabiki, agreeing to use his skills in photography to catch Ranma and Akane in real life poses, giving her the film in lieu of cash to repay his debts to her. He'd also begun developing some of Nabiki's films for her, his labor going to pay off what he owed her. (It had to be admitted, Hikaru cost her nothing, and Nabiki saved the price of a regular photo developing shop.) The result was, for once, that he'd had enough money to purchase the contents of this package from a strange old man living in America.
He frowned, as the cancellation mark on the stamps seemed to squirm and writhe, causing his eyes to tear. It wasn't easy to read. He checked the return address.
Miskatonic University,
Arkham, Massachusetts
USA.
It was the right place, and he tore the brown paper wrapping, discarding it hastily. He lifted the books out, and gently set them on his bed.
Gos wasn't stupid. He'd recognized the address, and knew of the loathsome legends that surrounded that university, and the near-by town of Arkham. Desperate as he was to win Akane's love (or at least her body), he wasn't quite foolish enough to risk the dangers involved with the people and the THINGS that were said to call that place home.
What he HAD bought and paid for, at a VERY high price, was all that the justly famous (and justly INFAMOUS) library of the occult at Miskatonic University had on the subject of the cursed Valley of Jyusenkyo and its Pools of Sorrow.
As he stacked the books on his futon before sorting them, a small envelope, taped to a fan-folded piece of paper, fell at his feet. Stooping, he opened it.
"Gosunkugi-san,
Given the list of titles you requested, and from what I could read between the lines of your letter, I suspect that you may find the map attached to this letter to be of great interest.
This is a map of the Cursed Springs of Jyusenkyo. It lists all of the cursed springs, and their exact locations. Moreover, it is said to be a magical map. It's nature is that whomsoever possesses it can find any of the Springs that they choose, and it will magically update itself every time some new person or creature drowns in one of the pools.
Normally, the nature of the curse on the valley tends to prevent a person from choosing a spring in order to use it in a selfish manner. The curses choose YOU, you see. But this map is said to be able to resist the power of the valley to that extent. The owner will not be totally immune to the power of the curse, however. Remember that, and use it wisely.
Dexter Ward Smythe."
Shuddering, Hikaru started to set the map aside when his fingers slipped and both the letter and the map fell to the floor. The creases of the old map sprang open and Gosunkugi grumbled as he tried to fold it back up. Then a line of text caught his eye.
"The spring of what?" He shook his head in disbelief and set the map aside on the shelf with the rest of his books and scrolls on the occult.
It stayed there, untouched, for several weeks.
* * *
It was needless to say that Gosunkugi Hikaru was not a happy man. Such a statement would be the height of redundancy. One could, however, decide that Gos was slightly more unhappy than usual.
His latest scheme to drive Ranma away and win the heart of the fair Akane had failed almost as badly as the Russian economy. The spell he'd tried to cast to attract every stray cat in Tokyo to Ranma, thereby throwing him into the Neko-ken permanently, hadn't worked as planned.
To his astonishment, the spell HAD worked, attracting cats from every direction. Unfortunately, they hadn't been attracted to Ranma. Hikaru hadn't QUITE gotten it right, and the cats were attracted to the spellCASTER, not the spell victim.
He was suddenly buried alive in a pile of lively and extremely affectionate cats, unable to move, while Ranma ran away screaming, "C-c-c-caaaats!"
After nearly half an hour, he finally managed to extract himself from the mewing, purring heap of furry feline adoration. He limped home, covered in cat dander, trying to avoid stepping on or stumbling over the few remaining cats that still stubbornly trailed him, loudly proclaiming their love.
Finally arriving safely (if not alone) at home, he took the Scroll of Feline Attraction outside and carefully burned it. Then he stirred the ashes, making certain it was completely destroyed. The ashes were carried back into the house and flushed down the toilet.
*I am NOT taking another chance with cats. Never again,* he thought, futilely brushing at the cat fur still clinging to his pants.
Changing clothes, he sat on his futon and thought. In the past three weeks, he'd tried four schemes (counting the cat scroll spell that had gone awry)to separate Ranma and Akane, and/or attract Akane to win her love. This had resulted in: one beating from Tatewaki Kuno who had somehow managed to realize that Hikaru was trying to win Akane's hand; one thrashing from Ryouga who'd realized that Gosunkugi had tried to use a spell on Akane; one malleting from several of the girls at school when they caught him trying to obtain a thread of Akane's hair from the drain trap in the girl's shower; and, of course, the avalanche of cats that had inadvertently buried him up to his neck in overly-affectionate felines.
"Perhaps I should just give up," he moaned, burying his face in his folded arms. "I'll never win. I have NOTHING to offer a girl, I'm nothing any girl could EVER want!"
Many famous people have often noted that making a flat-out statement like that is the practical equivalent of express-mailing a challenge letter to the Gods. A _rude_challenge letter. For the most part, these famous people are dead-on right.
Particularly in this case.
As Hikaru wretchedly rocked back and forth on his futon, a stray gust of air pushed gently on the old map that Gos had carelessly thrust between a pair of books. It slipped easily from between the slick leather covers of the two volumes flanking it, fluttered through the air not unlike a parchment butterfly and stuck Gos ever so softly atop his bowed head.
He tried to bat it away blindly, but luck, fate, or magic seemed to be on the side of the map. It persisted in staying squarely atop his head. Finally, he opened his eyes, and using both hands, grabbed the map, ready to throw it across the room in his misery.
That was when the map fell open to the spot it had unfolded to the day he'd first received it. To a listing of all the cursed pools of Jyusenkyo, and what had drowned in each one. The name he'd noted before caught his eye, and he sat rock-still on the futon. An idea, a crazed, bizzare idea, filled his young mind.
"That's it!" he whispered excitedly. "That's the secret! Akane thinks of Ranma as a hero. Someone who always saves her, no matter what the danger is! That's IT! She can only love a _Hero_!"
He shot to his feet, banging his head sharply on the bookshelf above his bed, knocking books across the room and all over the floor. He paid this no attention, though.
"If it's a Hero that Akane requires, then it's a Hero I'll give her!" he shouted, unconsciously striking a pose with one arm (the one holding the map in its clenched fist) thrust into the air. "Yes! Yes! Bwahahahahahahaha! Akane needs a Hero. AND I WILL BECOME THAT HERO!"
"Hi-chan? Is something wrong?" came the voice of his mother from the next room. "Did you break one of your dolls again?"
Gosunkugi face-faulted violently.
* * *
Gosunkugi Hikaru, in his rather single-minded pursuit of Tendou Akane, had amassed quite a collection of spell-books, cantrips, scrolls, and what was probably (with one notable exception) the single largest collection of voodoo paraphernalia in all Asia.
(The one exception was a collection belonging to a elderly mystic in Tibet, and as this mystic was quite busy training a young American surgeon to be his future replacement as Sorcerer Supreme of the Earth, said collection wasn't available. It therefore didn't have any effect on Gosunkugi's plans.)
Gos was about to have a going-out-of-business sale.
Soon, signs sprouted around the apartment where he lived, hand-made posters appeared on every concrete pillar and wall, and he even arranged with a friend to advertise on the internet. (The internet auction house of Ebay.com, as Hikaru discovered, was Kami-sent. Ideal for his purposes.)
It took more time than he realized, and he resented every second it took. Each extra moment was a moment that he -wasn't- completing his plan to show Akane what a TRUE hero was. But, as all things eventually are, the sale was finished, and he had the money he needed. It hadn't been easy. Nabiki had learned of the sale even before it took place, and had immediately begun digging for the reason behind it, assuming that it would be something she could blackmail Hikaru over. It had taken every effort he could make to mislead her without actually lying to her.
School break finally rolled around, and Gos put his plan into action. He'd arranged to make his parents think he was going to a spa to try to build up his health, using the money he'd made from the sale of his collection. This wasn't even a lie, strictly speaking. If one used the word -very- loosely, he WAS about to take a trip to a spa. After all, spas were there to improve your health, and that's exactly what he intended to do.
As he entered the train station with the small backpack holding the absolute minimum of supplies he knew he'd need, he froze. Nabiki was standing there in front of the gate.
"Why, Hikaru! What a surprise meeting you here! Lovely day for traveling, isn't it." she smirked.
"I-I-I," stuttered Gos. "I.. don't know what you're talking about."
"Gos, Gos, Gos.. did you really think you could fool me? This is Nerima, after all. When someone from Nerima buys a ticket to China, the odds are 3 to 1 that they're headed for Jyusenkyo. That means the Springs." She frowned. "Now, which spring are you trying to find and why?"
Hikaru began to sweat. "I.. I'm just visiting China for my health. Honest. It's for my health!"
Nabiki blinked. To her surprise, her finely honed senses were telling her that Gos was speaking the truth. Or at least HE believed he was telling her the truth.
"All right, Gosunkugi. Be careful on your travels," she grinned. "It would be a terrible shame if your mother happened to find some of those photographs you've taken." She made a mental note to go back over everything she had on him. She didn't _think_ he had enough spine to defy her, but then stranger things had happened. Especially in Nerima.
She smiled at him in that special way she had. The one that reminded her classmates of a hungry pirahna. She felt a small surge of pleasure as he began to shake like an aspen tree in a high wind.
*I still have it,* she thought to herself. *Though Gos isn't that much of a challenge.*
"And be sure to hurry back. I'll have more film for you to develop when you do." She smiled as she watched him scurry towards the train, and considered whether or not it would be profitable to sell the information that Gosunkugi was headed to China to certain cursed individuals.
She walked away smiling, happy little yen signs floating through her mind.
* * *
First it was a train to the port. Then the cheapest tourist boat to the Chinese mainland. As insane as it might seem, it was STILL possible to get permission to tour the Cursed Training Grounds of Jyusenkyo. (Perhaps this was the proof the Western world was seeking that the heads of the Chinese Communist party were crazier than a warehouse full of LSD addicts. It certainly didn't help their image any.)
Ditching the official guide whose job it was to lead him there (and watch him, of course) was easier than he'd thought it would be. The watchdog in question had been assigned to such jobs before, and was more familiar with Jyusenkyo than he cared to be. He made no attempt to chase Hikaru down, aside from a rather lame "Stop. Don't. Come back. You're endangering yourself, honored customer. *yawn*"
Then he returned to the head office and reported yet another idiot lost to the cursed springs. His boss made a tally mark on the sheet. "That's what, three this spring? Must be the season. All the kooks are coming out to nest."
Hikaru's journeys through the backcountry of China weren't as difficult as he'd anticipated. Despite the Communist revolution, the common people of China still had a surprising degree of respect for wise men and priests. While Gosunkugi definitely didn't qualify as the first, his attempts to learn and practice voodoo did put him, tentatively, in the second category. Knowing nothing about voodoo, most of the farmers and village people simply assumed that a student priest was a student priest, according to him the same respect they'd give to any priest.
The actual walk wasn't easy. Hikaru had never been a sturdy boy, and hiking through the rugged backcountry of the Tsinghai region was agonizing. As he approached the remote Pa-yen-k'a-la mountains it grew worse, much worse.
The insults were painful, too. He'd taken a wrong path and brushed up against the edge of the territory claimed by the Joketsuzoku Amazons. The guards they'd placed at the borders had taken one look at the frail Japanese boy and nearly collapsed in hysterical laughter. Then one of the two Amazons pointed her spear at him and smiling, informed him in broken Japanese that the home for useless males was just six miles away, and she would carry him if he couldn't make it on his own.
He bowed to them, shameful as it felt, and apologized in broken Chinese phrases he'd memorized from the small book he'd brought along. Hikaru had heard the things Ranma often said about his idiot of a father and how much trouble Genma had gotten into (and gotten RANMA into) by refusing to admit he didn't understand Chinese. Never let it be said that Gosunkugi couldn't learn from a bad example.
He humbly asked the way to the valley of the cursed springs, which caused both guards to take a cautious step back and level their weapons at him. The first set a small gourd of water on the ground, stepped back, and gestured for him to pour it over himself.
A flash of rare insight struck Hikaru at that moment, and he slowly reached for the gourd, holding it over his head and dousing himself with the cold contents. Which resulted in his instantaneous change from dry Gosunkugi to wet Gosunkugi. The guards immediately relaxed.
"You not curse, boy. Not need cure. Why go curse springs?" asked the Amazon who'd provided the water.
Hikaru fumbled with the Japanese-Chinese dictionary/phrasebook he'd brought along. <"I priest. Wish I springs to go to learn.">
<"A priest?"> said the first guard. <"He's scrawny enough. What else could a weakling like him do?">
<"He looks like he'd snap in two if you breathed on him too hard,"> replied the second. <"A priest is about all he's good for, I'd say. He's no threat. Let's just point him at the Valley and get rid of him.">
Gosunkugi was watching the two with no idea of what they were saying. The conversation was must too fast for the (very) little Chinese he'd managed to learn. But he DID understand when the first guard pointed her sword-bladed spear off at an angle from the way he'd just come and said "Cursed springs that way. Not come here again, or we turn little boy into little girl, snip-snip!"
Hikaru shuddered, and retreated rapidly, their mocking laughter ringing in his ears.
* * *
The Amazons hadn't misled him. Walking in the direction he'd been pointed, he found a path that quickly led him to the lower end of the valley of Jyusenkyo.
He strode down the path boldly (or at least what might pass for boldly, if you were really desperate. Gos was.) only to have the Guide rush out from his hut and bar the way.
"No, Mr. Customer! You no go down that path! Very dangerous cursed springs there! You fall in, you get curse!" insisted the Guide.
Hikaru pulled out the small dictionary/phrase book he'd come to depend upon. <"Curse springs I know. Priest am I. Study curses I want.">
"You priest, Mr. Customer? Springs are DANGEROUS, young Mr. Customer. You go down there, you get curse!" The Guide was frustrated. Couldn't these idiots understand that if you got too near the springs, you got cursed? No exceptions? "There already Spring of Drowned Priest. Religion not protect you!"
Gosunkugi frowned inside. This man was well-meaning, but he was getting in the way of his becoming a hero Akane could admire and love! What could he.. ahh! He cursed his awkward Chinese and tried again.
<"Understand. But need study curse. Not care price. Must do.">
The Guide gave up. "Mr. Customer understand that I not at fault for any curses? You go in, you responsible."
Hikaru nodded, and the Guide stepped aside, allowing him to pass. He slowly made his way down to the Springs while the Guide retreated to his hut to set another kettle of water on the stove. He rather expected it would be needed shortly.
Gos pulled out the map and carefully unfolded it, staying well away from the springs until it was in his hands. To his bemusement, when he did approach the first spring, he could feel both a subtle tugging from the spring, and a matching rejection coming from the map.
*Maybe this is what always goes wrong,* thought Gos. *The springs interfere with everyone who comes here, trying to actively curse them, or prevent them from finding a cure for their curse.*
Hikaru smiled to himself as he noticed the slippery ground near each spring. He was prepared for that. Reaching into his pack, he pulled out a pair of small rubber slip-ons for his shoes. Studded with small hob nails, they were meant for walking on ice-slick streets. They would serve just as admirably for the slippery ground of Jyusenkyo.
A small series of metal tubes were next to emerge from the pack, screwing together to form a spiked-tiped, pickax-headed cane of the sort ice climbers used, He thrust the spiked end into the ground and tested it. It held firm. Gos smiled.
Last of all was a wide and unusually thick belt that he strapped around his waist. Colored a rather ugly international-emergency orange, it was actually a life preserver of sorts, one that would automatically inflate with a CO2 cartridge if the wearer were to fall into the water. Hikaru had NO intention of creating the first Spring of the Drowned Japanese Wannabe Voodoo Priest.
He could imagine whatever forces that governed Jyusenkyo roaring in frustration. Gosunkugi Hikaru was nobody's fool, he'd planned ahead! He'd studied every report about Jyusenkyo, and had taken steps to thwart each and every known danger. He laughed in triumph.
Needless to say, Gosunkugi's attitude was right up there with spitting into the wind, tugging on Superman's cape, and trying to pull the mask off of the Lone Ranger's face.
That is to say.. it was _really_ stupid.
Not that Hikaru knew this, or would have let it stop him had he known. There's just something about Nerima that seems to create an almost invincible confidence born from total cluelessness. Go figure. So Gosunkugi continued on.
He opened the map, and comparing it to the ground before him, he carefully made his way forward. He kept one eye on the map, and the other firmly on the ground, making certain he had steady footing. Sure enough, several times the ground appeared to try to slip from under his feet, but the strap-on cleats and the ice ax kept him from falling in to the springs that now surrounded him.
His pace resembled that of an arthritic tortoise, but despite being slow, it WAS getting him safely to where he wanted to go. About 45 minutes of very cautious movement saw him reach the cursed pool he'd chosen.
"At last!" he breathed. "The Spring of the Drowned Hero. Now I'll be what I was truly MEANT to be, and Akane will have no choice BUT to love and admire me! My destiny awaits!"
Setting the map on the ground and weighting it down with the ice ax, he plunged into the pool. He'd totally ignored the oddly dizzy sensation that had overtaken him the instant he'd let go of the map. That was Gos's final error, and the event that sealed the fates of a great many people.
And Gos didn't even have the excuse of being raised by Genma Saotome. Pity, that.
* * *
Hikaru had thrown himself into the pool with a passion. He'd leapt with such force that he'd managed to totally submerge himself before the lifebelt he was wearing had a chance to inflate.
It _did_ inflate an instant later, yanking him to the surface just as the Guide came running up to him.
"Oh, no, Mr. Customer! You fall into the Qiujiaoluomanshijun-nanniquan, the Spring of the Drowned Harlequin Romance Novel Stud! Tragic story of famous pretty-boy hero of bad romantic novels who drown here 1500 hours ago!"
Hikaru looked at him dully. What was this idiot talking about? He'd jumped into the Spring of the Drowned Hero. He'd followed the map, he'd followed the instructions, he'd done everything correctly. He'd even held on to the map so that the Powers that ruled Jyusenkyo would have no chance to twist and pervert his... D'OH! He'd set the map DOWN!
He climbed out of the spring, almost fearing to look at himself. "A mirror. I need a mirror. NOW!" To his surprise, the last word came out as a roar worthy of Ryouga at his best.
The Guide was surprised that the request wasn't for hot water (he had a kettle at the ready), but reached into a pocket of his uniform jacket and pulled out a small hand mirror, passing it over to the boy.
Gos couldn't believe his eyes. He was _handsome_! His hair was thick and blond in a cut that looked as if he patronized the same barber as Captain Harlock. His face was broad, his chin firm, his skin clear, and his eyes as penetrating as a raptor's.
Tilting the mirror, he noted that his clothing had split and torn leaving him bare-chested and almost pants-less. If anything, his current state of dress reminded him of that gaijin TV show, the one with the scientist who kept turning to a large green monster.
His chest rippled with muscles, his buttocks were tight, his arms sinewy, and his legs firm. All in all, Gos thought numbly, I look like a greek statue. One of the more athletic ones.
This provoked a slightly fearful thought, and his hand darted down immediately to check out the situation.
The Guide drew back, slightly disgusted. "You pervert boy, Mr. Customer?"
"I--" Hikaru coughed and started over. "I ... was worried I might have, well, you know.." To his delight, his voice sounded just as heroically musical as any hero's should.
The Guide shrugged. "That not MY business. Here, Mr. Customer. I get you hot water so you change back."
"NO!" roared Gos. "I'm NEVER changing back to what I was. I'm a hero now! And I'll stay that way!"
He snatched up the map and, leaping over the pools, headed for his pack. Grabbing it with one hand, he fled the Valley before the Guide could have a chance to splash him with hot water.
"Mr. Customer very stupid. I _tell_ him that NOT Spring of Drowned Hero, but he listen? No." Then the Guide sighed, and headed back to his hut to have dinner. His daughter Plum should have finished that nice stir-fry she'd started before this idiot had arrived. A nice hot dinner and some beer might be just what he needed.
* * *
Coming to a halt deep in the nearby forest, Gos paused and pawed through his pack. He hadn't known what size he'd end up after leaping into the Pool of the Drowned Hero (yes, he STILL believed he'd gotten the correct spring, despite what the Guide had said) and in trying to think ahead, he'd brought along three changes of clothing in three different sizes. And a set of extra-large rubber sandals that could be easily trimmed with a knife.
Due to the need to save money for other, more essential items, he'd economized. Three pair of black pants with elastic waist bands and ankles, not unlike what Ranma habitually wore. And three white shirts with bloused sleeves. Both shirt and pants could, due to the style, fit a range of sizes. This allowed him to get away with buying only three sets.
The fact that this particular style made his new cursed form look like some roguish pirate who'd just escaped from a DeMille sea epic never occurred to Hikaru. Not that this was his fault. It would, however, occur to a great many other people. Mostly women.
Dressing in the largest size he'd brought, Gos stuffed the map back into a pocket of the pack. He had the odd impression that it might serve him again someday, though he had no idea how.
Brushing the dust and leaves from his legs with the ragged remains of his old clothing, he donned the pack and began to cheerfully stride through the forest, thinking of how utterly impressed Akane would be, and how she would instantly fall into his arms, begging to become his bride.
The sky was blue, the sun was shining between the branches of the trees, birds were singing joyfully, small animals were scurrying happily through the underbrush, and all in all, every sign of impending disaster was there on the spot.
Hikaru strode through the forest without a care in the world, happily dreaming of how he'd sweep an unresisting Akane off of her feet. That's why he never noticed the slight slope to the left that gradually caused him to drift onto a small, but well-beaten path through the woods. A path that led straight to the Joketsuzoku village.
* * *
Sugar jabbed her partner in the ribs. "Do you see what *I* see?"
Spice started to glare at Sugar, then caught sight of the stranger herself. "Ohmyohmyohmy...." She had a little trouble breathing. "Do you suppose he's available?"
"Does it matter? I suddenly have the feeling I'm about to lose a fight, Spice."
"Oh, no you don't, Sugar. *I* saw him first!"
"No, I did!" Sugar growled. "I saw him first, and I get to challenge him first."
Spice pulled out a bonbori. "Wanna bet?"
Sugar frowned. "Rock-paper-knife?"
Spice bit her lip. "Okay."
By that time, Gosunkugi had come all the way up the trail towards them. He recognized them for the Amazons they were, but felt oddly unafraid. He assumed at first that this was some form of bravery that came automatically with falling into the Spring of the Drowned Hero. But when he saw the one Amazon pull a mace from the sleeve of her fighting outfit, a strange feeling swept over him.
To his surprise, he walked straight up to the first Amazon and, plucking the mace from her hand, bent her over backwards and kissed her soundly. "Ahh, lass, one so lovely as you needs no weapon to defend herself against me. Your very beauty renders me totally helpless to your feminine charms."
What shocked Gos most about what he'd just done was the fact that he'd said everything in perfect (and even elegant) Chinese.
Spice didn't even realize she'd just been disarmed. All she could think about were the wonderful eyes that were looking down into hers. Deep and blue, they seemed to look into her very soul. If he'd asked her to, she would have forsworn being an Amazon forever and sold herself to a Shanghai whorehouse, just to have him look at her again like that.
He eased her to the ground and set her gently on the grass. "And who is your pretty friend, m'lady?" smiled Gosunkugi. "She's as lovely as a spring morning, and as sweet as a taste of summer honey."
Sugar blushed from head to toe and mentally cursed herself as she giggled like a schoolgirl. "Ahh.. I'm.. You're.. We're.. She's.." Sugar babbled.
Hikaru smiled, and the girls shuddered in ecstasy. "That's quite all right. I'm a stranger in the area, and you're obviously guarding your village. You should take me prisoner and see that I'm brought before the village elders, as is proper."
A tiny portion of Gos's mind wondered where the _hell_ that little speech had come from. But wherever it had emerged from, it seemed to work. Spice stood on wobbly legs and with Sugar's help, they twisted a bit of rope around his wrists and proceeded to march him down the trail
to the village.
* * *
Mace and Caraway stared at the small procession just entering the village. "He's GORGEOUS!" breathed Caraway.
Mace sniffed disdainfully. "Just another pretty-boy, Caraway. I'll bet he couldn't even get it up on a bet." Inside, however, the proud Amazon shivered. The outsider _was_ handsome. If he could fight, perhaps she might consider being a second wife? She shook her head. What was she THINKING? She didn't swing that way, although she wasn't about to admit it.
She shook herself all over like a dog shedding water, then shook Caraway by the shoulder. "We'd best tell the Elders. I have a bad feeling about this."
Caraway wasn't listening. She had stars in her eyes and a fantasy playing in 70mm Technicolor wide screen with Dolby Surround Sound inside her head. It involved herself, the outsider, and a scene from that foreign story she'd read. Gone With The Breeze, or something like that. Needless to say, it wasn't exactly PG rated.
Mace gave it up as a lost cause, and quickly ran to the village square, shouting for the Elders. There were going to be fireworks thanks to this. She was certain.
Lilac the Elder Healer heard the growing noise and came from her cottage in a slightly grumpy mood. She wasn't as young as she used to be, and noisy children bothered her, although she was loath to admit it.
"What's all this, then?" she asked, reaching up to tap Mace on the back.
Mace looked down at the venerable healer. "An outsider male, Elder. And he seems to have surrendered to the sentries outside the village willingly."
Lilac looked at the crowd surrounding the challenge circle. It looked as if half the village was there already, and more were headed that way. "All this excitement for ONE outsider? Who is he? Adonis? Brad Pitt? Jackie Chan?"
Mace twitched slightly at the comment, and Lilac eyed her closely. "That was a JOKE, child."
"Elder.." Mace frowned, shaking her head uncertainly. "It's not my place to correct an Elder of the village, but maybe you should take a look at him? The joke.. might not be so funny after you see him."
Lilac looked at the odd expression on the child's face, then turned and slowly made her way through the crowd to view this outside male who'd managed to fluster so many Amazons. To her surprise, she actually had to PUSH a few Amazons out of her way. Elders rarely needed to even raise their voices to clear a path, and NEVER needed to push or shove short of a major emergency. To be forced to move younger Amazons out of her way with a shiatsu poke here and there indicated that the situation was highly abnormal.
Finally reaching the front of the crowd, she inhaled sharply. The outsider male was standing next to the challenge log, and looking at him.. she began to fan herself briskly.
Whoo.. haven't felt like this since Doug showed me that trick with the feathers, she thought, flushed and sweaty. Then her gaze sharpened and she grew suspicious. It was true, she HADN'T felt like this in years. It wasn't natural. Which meant it was probably supernatural.
Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Dowel battling Tao. The giant Amazon was swinging her brass and iron shod oak staff while Tao was using a matched pair of short swords, not unlike a Roman gladius. Tao was hissing at Dowel. "I'll challenge him, not you, you overgrown bamboo pole!"
Dowel's staff struck one of the blades so hard, the steel rang like a bell. "Over my dead body!" she grunted.
"Fine with me!" taunted Tao.
To Lilac's bemusement, she could see that neither was attempting to pull their blows. Tao, especially, was attempting killing strikes with her blades. Lilac's gaze swept the challenge ring. Wherever she looked, unmarried women of nearly every age past puberty were either glaring at each other, or staring at the outsider with starry eyes like love-struck fools. Looking back at the stranger, she saw him smiling cheerfully at the spectacle of so many women willing to do battle over him. Her eyes tightened, and she strode over to him, steeling her considerable willpower.
<"You're responsible for this. Who are you, and where are you from?"> she rasped in her hoarse voice.
Gosunkugi felt another wave of oddness sweep through his mind, and someone else seemed to take control of his voice. <"Ahh.. my native tongue sounds so lyrical when you speak it, honored Elder,"> he smiled. "But wouldn't you find it easier if we spoke in your Chinese, dear lady? It's such a poetic language."
"Cram it, pretty boy. Who are you and where are you from?"
"MY name, m'lady? No need to be so harsh. It sits ill on the lips of one so lovely for her generation. My name is.." Hikaru blinked, as sudden confusion seemed to fill his mind. "My name is.. Wan. Tenorioh Wan, I think." He smiled in a slightly bewildered manner. "Yes. Tenorioh Wan, the swordsman. The diplomat. The _lover_."
Several different facts inside Lilac's mind came together, crystallizing into a certainty. The skin around her eyes tightened. "As you can see, you're disrupting the peace of this village." Her voice echoed hollow and distant in his ears. "Leave this place. These women are not for you. Begone. Leave. Now."
The blond stiffened. "I cannot do that, m'lady! T'would be a crime against nature itself to deny these lovely women the opportunity to experience the wonder that is I. No, I cannot cause them to suffer the pain they would feel at my absence."
Lilac smiled coldly at him, and moving closer, lowered her voice. "I'm the village healer, boy. Know what that means? In a moment, I'm going to head for my cottage. When I come out, I'll have a little herbal mix that I plan to use on you. My great-grandmother's great-grandmother came up with it centuries ago, for dealing with excessively randy males. One dose, and you won't have to worry about embarrassing erections while in public again. Or ANY erections, for that matter. Ever. Got that?"
Hikaru stared at the short woman in horror. "You _wouldn't_!"
Lilac gave him an icy grin. "You have till I come back, boy. It'll take a few moments to brew a fresh batch. I strongly suggest you use that time to get a good long head start." She spun around and stalked slowly towards her house.
Gos shuddered. The look in the old woman's eyes told him that she wasn't joking. The desire to spend the rest of his life in a village full of women whom he would (he was certain) have serving him hand and foot wasn't NEARLY as strong as the horror that this terrible woman had placed in his soul. An almost unlimited supply of women was valuable, yes, but NOTHING was worth risking his god-like virility for! He began to slowly, carefully ease his way back through the crowd, using their pre-occupation with the on-going battles to avoid being noticed. He'd managed to reach the edge of the crowd when a woman cried out, "Hey, where'd he go?"
Even those women busy dueling stopped, and every eye searched out for the missing male. When they saw Gosunkigi trying to edge his way behind a cottage, a roar of possessive outrage rang though the entire village.
"GET HIM! CATCH HIM! DON'T LET HIM ESCAPE!!" the women shouted.
Hikaru took to his heels and ran for his life, heading for the forest as though a plague of demons were hot on his trail.
* * *
A week later, Gos was still running. The Amazons simply refused to give up. He'd laughed when he'd heard second hand descriptions of Ranma's desperate attempts to lose Shampoo after the ill-fated meeting in the village. It wasn't so funny now. The longest he'd been able to rest was perhaps an hour at a time. He hadn't been able to stop to eat since the village. The best he could do was grab stolen scraps and eat them while on the run.
And the WATER! He'd thought of changing, of evading the Joketsuzoku search parties by simply returning to his natural form. They were, after all, looking for his cursed form. And the true form of Gosunkugi Hikaru was about as different from his cursed form as it was possible to get. But it didn't work. Hot water seemed near impossible to find. The few times he HAD managed to spot a kettle, a cookpot, or some other source of hot water to change with, somehow he was almost immediately splashed with cold water again.
One time, he'd stolen a thermos of hot tea and ran into a field, far away from ANY other water, hot or cold, before he poured it over his head. The sky was clear, the sun was hot, there wasn't a cloud to be seen anywhere. Almost the second he'd transformed, the first rumble of thunder was heard.
The resulting summer shower lasted JUST long enough to put him back into his cursed form.
Yeah, a LOT of Ranma's funny stories didn't seem quite so hilarious anymore.
At least his cursed form was incredibly athletic. He could run for hours at a time. He'd managed to escape the Tsinghai province, and reach the Yangtze river. Stealing a small boat, he accepted the fact that he would be stuck in his cursed form and let the river carry him along faster than the Amazons following him could run.
He hoped.
* * *
Dowel glared at Tao, who was busy showing a fisherman exactly how sharp her swords were by shaving tiny splinters of stone from a rock. "If you scare him stupid, he won't be able to talk, Tao!"
"Too later," smirked Sugar. "I think Mother Nature beat Tao to the punch."
Dowel groaned. "Why me? Why _me_?" She turned to Spice. "Spice, please try to calm him down and get a description of the man who stole his boat for us? If it was the outsider, then he's going to get a tremendous lead on us."
Cinnamon and Cardamon shot dagger looks at Tao, but subsided when Dowel frowned at them. The tall Amazon groaned again. "I didn't ask to be the leader. I didn't WANT to be the leader. SHAMPOO is supposed to lead. _She's_ the village champion. How'd _I_ get stuck with this?"
"Just lucky, I guess?" offered Mace.
"Thank you, Mace. That helped a lot. NOT. Go make yourself useful. Try and hire us a boat. You help her, Sash."
* * *
Back in the village, Lilac was addressing a gathering of the remaining elders.
Sun Ti grimaced at Lilac. "So that was ANOTHER victim of the Springs that caused all the fuss? What IS it with those damned things? We seem to attract their victims like iron filings to a magnet. First that Japanese kid Shampoo's trying to catch, then the fool who fell into the Spring of the Drowned Car, and now someone who's fallen into the.. what did you call it, Lilac?"
"The Spring of the Drowned Harlequin Romance Novel Stud, Sun Ti. Remember, we had those Americans running all over the place about three months ago?"
Sun Ti frowned. "What does that have to do with the price of tea in Australia?"
Lilac raised an eyebrow. "Unlike SOME elders, _I_ take a certain interest in things of the outside world. You never know when they might become important." She clapped her hands, and her apprentice Razor came running up to her, handing her a small box. She opened it and pulled out some cheap-looking books that she passed to the others.
"THIS is what they were here for. Take a good look at the painting on the cover."
Lao Shen furrowed her brow. "Looks just like the outsider the children are chasing. How'd that happen?"
Lilac chuckled. "Remember those stories we all loved to hear when we were kids ourselves? And I _don't_ mean the stories of combat, Lao Shen."
Sun Ti h'mphed, while Lao Shen coughed. "So?" she asked.
"So the Americans have those stories too. By the thousands. They have an entire INDUSTRY devoted to writing, printing, and selling the silly things, girl." Lilac's smile grew wider. "That's what those Americans were here for. They were 'scouting locations' that their photographers and painters could do pictures of the model they hire to do the covers for these things. And guess who fell into a spring at Jyusenkyo while they were there?"
Lao Shen rolled her eyes dramatically while the rest of the Elders sighed. "Let me guess. A brainless gui lao boytoy stud who was all looks and no brains, right?"
Lilac nodded. "Yes. And he had the bad grace to drown, which meant that instead of GETTING a curse, he made a new one. Then, when the Guide pulled the fool out, the Americans managed to use their modern medicine to save his life."
"That's a damned shame," murmured Sun Ti. "That they saved him, I mean."
"There's always the possibility that we could lock him in his cursed form.." mused Lao Shen.
"But do we really want his genes in our village?" asked Mao Yin, one of the youngest Elders.
"Good point," said Lilac. "Here's a better one. That boy sounded Japanese. I'd bet a hundred yuan that sooner or later, we're going to find him in the same place as Cologne, Shampoo, and the kid they're chasing. Any takers?"
"With _our_ luck?" snorted Lao Shen. "I'd sooner bet on the sun rising in the west."
Lilac nodded. "Then I strongly urge that we send a message to Cologne right away, advising her of what's happened so that she can take any steps she thinks appropriate. This whole thing reeks strongly of weirdness. Forewarned is forearmed."
"Rin Rin and Ran Ran," said Sun Ti. "They've been there before, they know the way, and if they head straight there, they might be able to warn Cologne before either the boy or the hunting party get there. IF that's where they're headed."
"Then it's agreed," said Lao Shen. "We send Rin Rin and Ran Ran now, immediately. And may all the Gods and spirits help Cologne. Because if that boytoy actually DOES end up there, I doubt Japan will survive."
* * *
It had been a long wet journey to the port of Shanghai for Gos. It hadn't helped that when he left the river, women insisted on grabbing, hugging, groping and fondling him. The outraged husbands and boyfriends who objected to this behavior on the part of their wives and girlfriends were nearly as dangerous as the Amazons. And it was made worse by his strange inability (while in his cursed form) to speak to women, any woman, in anything but the most flowery and gallant of language. It made him sound like Kuno, which was a terrifying feeling. But he'd survived.
Once he reached Shanghai, hot water was a LOT easier to obtain, and he was able to resume his natural form. (Aside from the occasional change due to splashing. Gos was developing a surprising amount of sympathy in his soul for Ranma.) In his natural form, he was finally able to lose the rapidly growing company of determined Amazons, obsessed non-Amazon females and furious males that had piled up in his wake.
Once he was back to his uncursed self, it was a simple matter to purchase a ticket from Shanghai to Japan, using the last of his money. Now he was standing on the deck of the ship (carefully avoiding the sea spray), watching the Chinese coast disappear over the horizon. Thank the Kami, in just a few days, he'd be home again. Safe, safe at last!
As was said before, invincible confidence born of total cluelessness. Only in Nerima, folks. Only in Nerima.
Chapter 2
Dowel gritted her teeth and reminded herself that removing Tao's head would be only a momentary pleasure, one that was BOUND to get her talked about in the village, and not worth the price in the long run. She reined in her frustration and spoke to the other Amazon in what she hoped was a rational tone of voice.
"That is NOT the way we get information from sailors, Tao."
Tao gave the sailor she was holding by the throat a blood-thirsty grin, then looked back at Dowel. "Why not? It works. And they're just males."
Dowel sighed. "Tao, how good are you at swimming?"
"Uhh.. I know how to. Why?"
Dowel lost it then. "BECAUSE IF WE PISS OFF THE SAILORS, WE'LL HAVE NO OTHER WAY TO FOLLOW THE OUTSIDER!"
Tao frowned like a child whose favorite toy had been taken away. "Couldn't we just steal a boat and sail it ourselves?"
"Do YOU know how to sail?" asked Dowel.
"Don't you?" replied Tao, confused.
Dowel buried her face in the palms of her hands. "Why me? Why not Shampoo? Why not HER?" she muttered.
Sash patted her on the back. "It'll get better. I think."
"Dear ancestors, I hope so," Dowel sighed. "If it gets any worse, we'll end up going home in disgrace. And getting a bath at the Springs to wash away our shame, just like Shampoo."
Sash nodded, then turned to Sugar and Spice. "Have a little 'talk' with Tao, would you? I think it would make Dowel feel better."
The two grinned, and each grabbed Tao by a shoulder, forcing her to drop the fisherman. "There's something over there behind the docks you should see, Tao," said Sugar.
"And we'll make certain you don't get lost on the way," added Spice.
The two younger Amazons led Tao behind the aforementioned dock, and a few moments later, sounds of a struggle drifted back towards where the others were standing. The three then emerged, Tao showing an incipient black eye and several quickly developing bruises.
"She ran into a doorknob," explained Sugar.
Even the fisherman had a hard time believing that one.
* * *
Lilac had made a quick trip to the home of the Guide in the hopes of using his telephone to get a quick "heads up" message to her colleague Cologne, only to find out that it wasn't allowing calls outside of China at the moment. The best she was able to do was to use her contacts in the outside world to get Rin Rin and Ran Ran passes on a passenger train headed for the China coast. There would be passes for the Japanese rail system waiting for them when they arrived. With luck and the speed of a train on their side, they would, she hoped, reach Nerima before the rest of the insane parade did.
The elderly Healer had returned to her cottage, and to the surprise of many, hung a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the door latch. Amazons who passed by her place in the course of daily affairs heard what might have been the occasional chuckle from the cottage.
Lilac, like her contemporary, Cologne, was old. Older than she cared to admit to strangers. And when you reached their age, you'd pretty much seen and/or done it all. Life tended to acquire a fine patina of ... well, dullness. As someone else had pointed out, the penalty for an extended life was ennui. Entertainment, amusement, was rare and something to be savored and appreciated for the joy it brought.
And Lilac could see the potential in this one. Some of the other Elders believed the situation to be of some possible, if small, threat to the village. That was true, admitted Lilac to herself. But there was such a thing as too damn MUCH safety.
So she wrote notes, made a few plans, and called in several of her apprentices.
She was about to have some fun. And as for the old fuddy-duddies on the council---Ha! Let 'em find their own fun.
* * *
Crossing the East China Sea from Shanghai to Kyushu wasn't as easy as Gosunkugi thought. He ended up in his cursed form despite his best efforts, then was forced to explain what HE was doing on the ship and where the hell the scrawny kid with the sunken eyes had vanished to.
And worse, when they heard his story and learned that Joketsuzoku warriors were chasing him with an eye towards dragging him back to their village, the captain of the ship was NOT happy.
"And you're telling me that you have half a dozen angry Amazons following you?! Amazons who don't give a DAMN about what they have to cut their way through in order to win?" His head exploded into a Demon Head that would have made Tendou Soun proud. "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU *THINKING*, BOY?!"
Fortunately for Gos, his cursed form seemed to have a lot more spine than his normal body. Not much sense, but a lot more spine. He flinched only slightly, then looked the captain back in the eye.
"I was thinking about getting away from the Joketsuzoku village before their healer fed me something that would have left me less than a man, Sir!" was Hikaru's firm reply.
The captain's Demon Head rapidly deflated at those words. "What did you say?"
Gosunkugi explained the threat the Healer Lilac had made just before he'd started running from the village, and the captain winced. "It's worse than I thought. You weren't thinking at all, were you, boy?"
"I-- ahh.. no, I wasn't," Gos admitted.
"Didn't think so," snapped the captain. "Well, get this straight. As soon as we hit port, you're OFF this ship. The very first second we touch the dock. Thrown off, if need be. I've met Amazons before, kid. I know their motto. 'Obstacles are for killing'. I'm not risking my ship for the sake of a love-sick idiot who's so stupid, he WILLINGLY goes out to get a curse."
"What's so stupid about it?" said Gosunkugi in hurt tones. He flexed an arm in a body-builder's fashion. "Look at me! I'm a hero now!"
"You're an idiot. You got Amazons chasing you, you're living a lie, and if you DO manage to date that girl, soon as she finds out that you're really just a scrawny twerp using a Jyusenkyo curse to try to impress people, she'll drop you like a hot potato." The captain shook his head. "Didn't you even think about what would happen when, NOT if, people discover your curse? Of course not. You're an idiot."
"But I--" interrupted Gos.
"No buts, Mister. I want you OFF my ship the second we touch to dock. In fact, I want you packed and ready to leave in two hours from now." He pointed to the cabin way. "Now."
Hikaru's shoulders slumped, and he headed for his bunk to pack up his few belongings.
As the door swung shut behind the boy, the captain snorted. "Nerimans.. they're all insane. It must be something in the water."
* * *
Rin Rin and Ran Ran had reached Shanghai, and a fast cargo ship that owed a favor or two to a certain old healer provided them with a trip across the East China sea. Unlike a certain fat old panda they'd ran into the last time they visited sister Shampoo, they had NO intentions of trying to swim between China and Japan. In a day or so, they'd be in Nagasaki and could call Cologne.
They were both excited about the chance to see big sister Shampoo, but neither of them had any illusions about the situation.
"Elder Cologne will NOT be happy about this, Rin," said Ran. "When the others arrive, there will be TEN of us in her restaurant."
"What's wrong with that?" asked Rin.
"In one house, Rin? It's going to be crowded."
"Oh. I forgot. Do you think we could buy a second place?"
Ran Ran thumped Rin Rin on the head. "In Japan? A country so crowded, their Emperor is renting out spare rooms in the Imperial palace? Helloooo? Anyone home in there?"
Rin rubbed her head. "Okay, okay. I get the point. So what do we do?"
"Get ready for one hell of a fight when we arrive."
* * *
Some hours later, Hikaru was standing at the rail, pack on his back and a donated sea bag under one arm, watching the gangplank go down. He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked around to see the captain standing to one side.
"I'm leaving, I'm leaving!" said Gos.
The captain shook his head. "It's not that, kid. I want you to do me a favor. You still owe me for not telling me what sort of trouble you were in."
"But I only have a few hundred yen left.."
The captain snorted. "It's not money I need. I just want you to carry a message to a friend. I can't go ashore, or I'd do it myself." He handed Gosunkugi a small envelope and a scribbled piece of paper. "Go to this address, leave the envelope with the person who lives there, and you're square with us."
Hikaru nodded enthusiastically. "Thank you, sir. I'll do it first thing of all, even before I go home."
"Good. And if the person who answers the door there happens to introduce himself as Jerry Cornelius, tell him that Captain Briggs sends his best wishes and regrets that he couldn't make the last meeting." He slapped Gos on the back. "But don't ever try coming aboard this ship again, boy. She has a way of making folks regret it."
Gos stared at Captain Briggs. "I don't understand."
"You will. Just ask anyone about my ship, kid." He pointed at the now tightly lashed gangplank. "Now, on your way."
And that's how Gos left the "Marie Celeste". Some people have all the luck. In Hikaru's case, it was mostly weird.
* * *
Ryouga Hibiki was lost again. Perhaps the word "again" was redundant, though. It might be more accurate to say that Ryouga Hibiki was STILL lost. He wandered down the streets and alleys, searching for a familiar face, a landmark, someone or something that he could recognize.
"Where the HELL am I NOW?!" he shouted to an uncaring sky. "And where is the Tendou dojo?"
That's when a tall gaijin tapped him on one shoulder. He spun around, ready for anything.
"You're in Kagoshima, Ryouga," said the gaijin.
"Do I know you?" frowned Ryouga.
Gosunkugi realized he was still in his cursed form, then shook his head. "No... you don't know me. Not personally. I've just seen you around Nerima."
"I've never seen someone like you in Nerima," replied Ryouga, suspiciously.
"I.. uhh.. I was studying the Unseen Ninja School of Martial Arts under Konatsu the kunoichi! Yeah! That's it! Learning how to vanish and re-appear mysteriously. I spent a lot of time with Konatsu learning what I could so no one _could_ see me." Whew, thought Gos, I hope he believes that. He made a frantic mental note to beg Konatsu to cover for him. "My name is Tenorioh. Tenorioh Wan. I'm from.. Spain. I think."
Ryouga looked at him doubtfully, but nodded. "All right then. What do you want?"
"I don't know." Gos shrugged in a way that would have had French movie directors falling at his feet in worshipful awe. "I just saw you, and I thought since you were probably heading back to Nerima, we could walk to the train station together?"
"You're going back to Nerima?" asked Ryouga.
Gosunkugi nodded. "I had to do something in China. Now I'm on my way back. I could use some company," he offered, tugging at the pack-straps on his shoulders. "It's a long ride back. It'd be nice to have someone to talk to." He reached into his pack and pulled out two bottles of sports drink. "Would you like some?"
Ryouga nodded, taking a bottle and opening it carefully. He took a few swallows, and let out a satisfied sigh. He pulled several withered brown sticks from a side pocket of his own pack. "Teriyaki beef jerky. I got it in some place called San Antonio. It's pretty good. Try some?" He offered Gos a strip.
"San Antonio?" said Gos, confused.
"Yeah, I think it's south of Kobe, or something."
Hikaru shook his head, trying to rid it of the feeling that he'd just slipped across the line into the Twilight Zone. "Well, let's head over to the train station."
* * *
Saginomiya Asuka, sometimes known as the White Lily, was bored.
This was something that tended to frighten the people around her. Asuka was.. not too tightly wrapped. Rich, powerful, and bored tended to be a dangerous combination, and Asuka was all three.
She frowned, and everyone in eyeshot suddenly decided they'd just remembered urgent personal errands to run. The further away, the better. Easter Island would be nice.
Life had gone slowly for Asuka since she'd tried to steal Saotome Ranma away from her rival, Kuno Kodachi. She didn't particularly _care_ for Ranma, despite his being a hunk. Hunks were, she knew, a yen a dozen. No, she'd tried to destroy Ranma because she thought he belonged to her hated rival, Kodachi.
No, Asuka wasn't crazy, she was just working with inadequate information. Kodachi claimed Ranma as hers, therefore Asuka wanted to take him from her. _Ranma's_ opinions on who he belonged to, if anyone, were of no concern to Asuka whatsoever.
After that little mess had settled down, she had nothing to do. When you can buy almost anything you want, it's hard to avoid becoming jaded. And it would be several years before her next duel with Kodachi. So she went traveling. It was a time-honored diversion of the filthy rich and quite traditional.
At the moment, she happened to be touring some of the more interesting sights in Kagoshima.
Fate has such an INTERESTING sense of humor, no?
* * *
Dowel was, at the moment, a happy woman.
No, scratch that. She was an EXTREMELY happy woman. They were all on a small fishing ship that doubled as a smuggler on occasion, as well as carrying the rare message or two between the Tongs of China and the Yakuza families of Japan. It was taking them all to Japan, to the port city of Nagasaki. They'd all be there in just a few days, and could start tracking the outsider male, soon to be an Amazon husband. But this wasn't what was making her happy.
Nope. That wasn't the reason she was happy.
The fact that Tao was currently leaning over the rail of the small ship retching her guts out, was.
Poor Tao, it seems, was QUITE susceptible to motion sickness, specifically sea sickness.
"Huuuurgh. Uuurrrrrp. Bleargh."
The pitiful sounds paused, and were replaced with soft, agonized moans.
Sash came over and joined Dowel at the bow. "A yuan for your thoughts."
Dowel smiled joyously. "I was thinking it's a damned shame none of us have a camera."
"That's pretty petty of you, Dowel."
"I know. Want to come help me invite Tao to the lunch table? We could tell her we're having cold greasy pork chops for lunch."
There was a long pause.
"Works for me."
Tao's pitiful noises increased in volume shortly afterwards.
* * *
Gosunkugi had already begun to learn what life was like for Ranma post-curse. Now he was beginning to get the next few lessons of what the other side of the fence looked like.
It had taken Ryouga only three blocks to get them TOTALLY lost. By the time he realized this and asked a bystander where they were, they were already several MILES away from the point where they had met. In the OPPOSITE direction from the train station.
Hikaru had no idea at all how Ryouga had done it. He would have been willing to swear in front of the gods themselves that he and Ryouga had been walking for no more than ten minutes at the most.
In frustration, he managed to spot a police box, asked for and received exact directions to the train station from that spot, then HE led Ryouga, shepherding the lost boy nearly every foot of the way.
Oh, Kami, he thought. Ranma has to put up with this all the time? You could go MAD just trying to lead Ryouga to the bathroom! How does Ranma do it?
To make things worse, as they were passing a small fountain, the wind changed direction, causing the cold wet spray to soak them both to the skin.
This did nothing to Gos, as he was already in his cursed form. But to his surprise, Ryouga seemed to vanish! There was nothing left but his pack and a pile of clothing and a small.. wet.. pig..
That's when the light went on over Hikaru's head.
He scooped up the little black piglet, noting the spotted yellow bandanna. "Ryouga?" he hissed quietly.
The piglet nodded sadly, giving Hikaru what almost seemed to be a shamed look.
"It's okay. I'll get you some hot water." Gos gathered up the clothing, stuffed it all into Ryouga's pack and held it in one hand, setting Ryouga on top of his own pack, where the little pig could see better.
There was a small cart just a block away selling hot tea and snacks. Gos bought a large cup of tea and looked around. Spotting a small alleyway nearby, he nonchalantly made his way towards it, trying to avoid attracting attention.
Blocking the entrance to the alleyway with his body, he laid Ryouga's clothes out on the ground, setting the small piglet on the ground nearby. Then he poured the hot tea over the pig, turning around to give him some privacy.
The Lost Boy quickly scrambled into his clothing before anyone happened to notice a naked young man standing in the alley. Putting his hand on Hikaru's shoulder, he asked the question that was foremost in his mind.
"How did you know?"
Gos didn't bother pretending ignorance. "I've seen Ranma change, and Mousse, during their fights. I just didn't know you had a curse too."
Ryouga flushed in anger. "It's all Ranma's fault!" he roared. "Him and that stupid panda of a father of his! They knocked me into the Heituenniichuan. If he hadn't skipped out on our man to man fight, I wouldn't have had to follow him to China, I wouldn't have gone to Jyusenkyo, and he wouldn't have knocked me into that STUPID CURSED SPRING!"
Hikaru nodded. "Almost everything in Nerima seems to be Ranma's fault, in one way or another. If it weren't for him, Akane wouldn't be engaged, the Amazons wouldn't be here, those crazy Princes wouldn't be kidnapping Akane and challenging him all the time. Angry martial artists with grudges against him or his father wouldn't be showing up all the time to challenge.. err.." He smiled weakly as Ryouga glared at him. "Well, anyway, life would be peaceful, without Ranma."
Ryouga's eyes snapped wide open. "Akane! She's in Nerima, alone with no one to protect her but Ranma! I have to--"
Gos grabbed his arm before he could run off at random and get lost again. "Wait! If you try to find Nerima by yourself, you'll just get lost again. Take the train with me, okay?"
He was almost yanked off his feet by Ryouga's tremendous strength, but the words managed to reach the Eternally Lost Boy. He screeched to a halt before traveling more than a few yards, and before he could get the two of them lost again.
"THIS way, Ryouga, the train station's THIS way!"
* * *
Having finished seeing the highlights of Kagoshima, the White Lily swept into the the train station like a storm, her attitude preceding her by a good three meters. The air of superiority that surrounded her was second only to that of the Kunos (although Asuka would insist otherwise).
"Hmph," she snorted (in a most elegant manner, of course). "How utterly plebeian." She waved a porter forward with her bags. "Make certain I have a private compartment. I do not wish to be forced to mingle with the common rabble."
She turned sharply on one heel, heading for the station's main office, her small retinue of servants following in her wake like remoras following a shark. The comparison was apt. Like a shark, Asuka took what she wanted with no remorse.
That's when she was abruptly knocked flat on her aristocratic arse.
She looked up, ready to scream at the crude peasant who had gotten in her way, when her breath suddenly caught in her throat.
Thick wavy blond hair. Penetrating blue eyes. Shoulders that went on and on. And on. A noble forehead and a just _slightly_ dimpled chin. The rippling muscles of a decathlete. And that tight butt! Little pink hearts appeared in her eyes, and music that no one else could hear began to play.
A strong hand reached down to her, assisting her to her feet. She heard a lyrical voice intone "Wait a moment, Ryouga.. I have to make sure she's okay."
Gosunkugi looked down at the beautiful young woman on the floor in a spasm of embarrassment. Even in his brand-new heroic body, he still couldn't do anything right. Here was this kawaii girl, obviously a young and innocent schoolgirl, and he barreled into her like an out of control freight train. He wanted to facefault.
It should be pointed out at the moment that the natural instincts of the Romance Novel Hero were overwhelming what little rationality Gosunkugi had. The built-in reflexes to support, protect and defend anything that even _remotely_ resembled a cute girl had taken over. In short, Gos was suffering an almost mind-numbing attack of that most dreaded of masculine ailments.. gallantry.
Hikaru lifted her upright, and began to brush the dust off her coat. "I'm terribly sorry, Miss..?"
"Asuka. Saginomiya Asuka," she managed to whisper. "Sometimes known as the White Lily." Oh, KAMI, he's handsome! she thought. Even Kodachi never caught anything THIS fine. I must make him MINE!
Gos started to nod, when Ryouga tugged on his arm. "They're calling the train to Nerima, Wan! We gotta GO!" Hikaru quickly straightened the young woman's coat, mumbled a rushed apology, and dashed over to the boarding area, towing Ryouga behind him.
Shocked, Asuka was unable to say or do anything before the train pulled away. Then a horrible, TERRIBLE fact struck her mind. Nerima. They were going to Nerima. Where that WITCH Kuno Kodachi lived!
"NEVER!" she screamed, shattering windows throughout the station and giving at least two elderly passengers heart palpitations. "He is MINE! That evil witch will NEVER have him! So sayeth the White Lily! HaHAhaHAHahahahahahahahaha!"
On the train headed for Nerima, Gos sneezed. Must be all the cold water, he thought.
* * *
"Nihao! Nekohanten! You want order ramen?"
<"Big sister Shampoo! It's Ran!">
Shampoo switched to Mandarin. <"Ran? What are you doing calling Japan?">
<"I'm IN Japan, big sister. The Elders sent Rin Rin and me to bring a message to your great-grandmother. There's a problem in the village, and the Elders think it's coming here.">
<"Oh, gods, not again. It's ALREADY hard enough to trap my husband. I don't NEED more grief. What is it _this_ time, Ran?">
<"Well, some outsider came into the village and EVERYBODY started fighting over him, big sister."> There was a brief silence on Ran's end of the line that somehow managed to sound.. embarrassed? <"Even.. even Elder Lilac admitted he looked hot.">
<"We're talking about the same Elder Lilac, right? Almost as short as my great-grandmother and almost as dirty minded as the Demon Panty Thief?"> Shampoo tried hard to keep from wincing. Cologne and Lilac weren't exactly enemies, but.. well, as young women, Cologne thought Lilac
had been one step away from bimbo-hood, and Lilac had all but accused Cologne to her face of being a dried up old prude who had the sex appeal of a doormat.
Then, of course, Happosai showed up. Shampoo shuddered. He was bad enough as an aged lecher. What he would have been like as a young man.. brr.
Shampoo brought her attention back to the present. <"Where's Rin? And why isn't she trying to tear the phone out of your hand to shout 'hello!'?">
<"She found one of those machines, big sister.. the ones with the big mechanical claw and all the cute fuzzy little things inside?">
Shampoo sighed. <"Tell her to pick a tiger or something. We don't need any pandas. I have one too many of THOSE already.">
<"Okay.. hey, here she.."> <"HIIIIIYEAA, big sister Shampoo!">
<"Hi, Rin. You're coming to the cat cafe?">
"<"Oh, yes! The Elders said we could. They even SENT us here, big sister! We'll be there real soon, too! The train's supposed to leave in a moment!">
Shampoo made a mental note to find some of Great-grandmother's headache recipe. She was going to need it.
<"Well, you two hurry here, and I'll have a special welcome back meal ready for you when you arrive. And try not to forget the message for Great-grandmother.">
<"Oooo-kay, big sister! Yay! It'll be fun again!">
A small sweatdrop rolled down the back of Shampoo's head.
* * *
Kanazuchi Maiku was an anachronism. He didn't belong in Japan; he didn't even belong in this decade. He would have been a better fit in the dark rainy streets of San Francisco in 1939, sporting a fedora, a badly fitting trenchcoat, and a Lucky Strike cigarette surgically grafted to the corner of his mouth.
His small office was barely larger than a broom closet, stuck on the 6th floor in a building with an
elevator that often didn't work. The walls were papered with posters of all the greats. Sam Spade. Philip Marlowe. Dashiell Hammett. Raymond Chandler. Jim Rockford. And his hero, the man he patterned himself after. Mike Hammer.
He STILL cursed the gun control laws in Japan that kept him from packing a .45 Colt Automatic. He just didn't feel as Hammer-ish without one. And the police didn't even TRY to harass him. What was he doing wrong?
He sighed, and opened the lower right drawer in his desk and pulled out a dirty glass and the obligatory bottle of cheap, nasty scotch. (Sake just didn't seem like something Mike Hammer would drink, so Maiku didn't, either.)
He poured a couple of fingers of scotch in the glass and set it on the grimy desktop. That's when the phone rang, startling him.
"Kanazuchi Maiku, Investigator for hire. I get 35,000 yen a day, plus expenses. What's your problem?" he growled in what he thought of as a tough, no-nonsense sort of voice.
"Kanazuchi-san, I need you to find someone. I think he may be in Nerima. I'll pay you 50,000 yen a day if you'll start immediately."
Maiku sat up so fast, the decrepit swivel chair he sat in nearly collapsed. "50,000 a day?" he said, trying to sound disinterested. "I don't know, I have a lot of cases I'd have to drop, Miss.."
"Saginomiya Asuka. And if you don't want to take the case, just say so, Kanazuchi-san. I'll take my business elsewhere."
"..on the other hand, I don't have anything that can't be put off for a while, Saginomiya-san. What's the case?"
Asuka sniffed in a supercilious manner. "There's a man headed for Nerima. One of my servants will be at your office shortly with his portrait. I want you to find out everything about him. His name, his family, his home, _everything_."
"His 'portrait', Saginomiya-san? Not a photograph?" Maiku scratched his head, confused.
"There wasn't time. Will you take the case?"
Kanazuchi thought about it for a brief moment. Then thought of the fact that his landlord would be arriving tomorrow morning to collect a rent payment Maiku didn't have. "First week's payment is in advance. You'll get receipts for all expenses, and will have to pay or decline to pay them every week. When will your servant be here with the portrait?"
"She'll be there within three hours with the payment for the first week and all the information I have. You'll begin immediately." With that, Asuka hung up.
Kanazuchi frowned, and took a hit of scotch from his glass. It burned its way down his throat, clearing his mind. "Hmm. Nerima. Why does that ring a bell?" He stepped over to a small filing cabinet crammed into a corner of the office, opening a drawer and flipping through a collection
of newspaper clippings.
* * *
On the street outside, a small yattai had set up, serving okonomiyaki to passers-by. The elderly man doing the cooking was surprised when a window several floors above him in the building behind him shattered. A bundle of old papers came sailing through the broken glass, barely missing the grill. He flinched at the scream that followed.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT _THEM_!!"
* * *
In the Tendo dojo, Ranma was sneezing almost non-stop. "I'm tellin' ya, Akane, I got this bad feeling!"
"What do you mean?"
"It's like.. you know, like someone's talkin' or thinkin' about us."
"I am SO sure, Ranma. It's probably just another challenger or fiancee getting ready to attack." Akane frowned. "Ranma no baka. What good is a feeling like that if it doesn't tell you what's going to happen?"
"Like a tomboy like YOU would understand!"
THUD.
Ranma pulled the small stone garden statue from the top of his head. "Now what did ya go and do that for?"
THUD.
"I tHiNk i'Ll jUSt liE hErE anD ReST foR a wHIle."
Akane strode out of the dojo, feeling a little better. She made a mental note to check her mallet supply. If that baka Ranma WAS having a premonition or something, and yet another fiancee WAS going to show up, she'd need them to be in tip-top shape.
After all, she had to keep the pervert in line. It was for his own good.
* * *
Cologne was out shopping for some of the more esoteric spices she used in the Cat Cafe. Not the ones she used in healing, or in the memory-altering shampoos; she obtained _those_ from allies back in the village or through her contacts in Japan. These were the simpler ones that she bought herself to keep the customers coming in. Shampoo wasn't bad at shopping for the usual staples, but a few of the shopkeepers were old enough to NOT be dazzled by Shampoo's body, or they were female. For Shampoo, who tended to rely on the mind-numbing effect her body had on
men, this caused the price she had to pay to rise, not drop.
Cologne was just rubbing a clump of imported American sage and testing the scent when she noticed that her thumb was itching. She frowned, scratching. Then the frown deepened and paying the shopkeep for her purchases, she hurried away. She bounced down the street on her staff, headed for the Nekohanten as fast as she could manage.
Cologne was determined to hold on to the ancient traditions of the Joketsuzoku, to the death if need be. But that didn't make her ignorant of other ways. She'd learned much of the outside world over the years, and an old piece of Western poetry was echoing in the back of her mind.
"By the pricking of my thumbs,
Something wicked this way comes."
* * *
At the Kuno residence, a servant was cleaning the yard. While he was sweeping up leaves, a small pigeon dropped dead at his feet. The servant shook his head and disposed of the small corpse, telling himself that believing in omens was a relic of a foolish past.
* * *
On the train to Tokyo...
"Damnit, Ryouga, how can a person get lost on a moving TRAIN!"
"It's THEIR fault! What kind of railroad puts the baggage car in FRONT of the train engine?!"
"Ryouga, the engine's in FRONT of the baggage car! You're turned around!"
"Oh."
* * *
On another train headed for Tokyo...
<"Oh, it's so CUUUUTE!">
Sigh. <"Give the pikachu back to the little girl, Rin.">
* * *
In Nagasaki...
<"You don't need to KISS the ground, Tao..">
"Urrrp. Eeetch." The retching ceased, and Tao wiped her lips. <"You didn't spend twenty-four hours on that horrid boat throwing up everything! I'm never getting on one of those things again!">
Sash smirked. <"You DO remember that after we catch him, we're going to have to take a boat BACK to China, don't you?">
Tao collapsed, groaning in misery. <"Why me?">
A few feet away, Dowel was smiling so hard, her face hurt.
* * *
In China, Elder Lilac was boarding a jetliner headed for Tokyo International Airport. She was old; that didn't mean she was stupid. There were still members of the Party who had what could be politely described as marital difficulties. A few doses of the proper herbal remedies, and they were MORE than eager to allow her to visit relations in Japan. The sooner the better. After all, the sooner she left, the sooner they could head home to their wives and 'test drive' their cures.
After all, if you're able to make a potion that can turn a man's libido OFF, it only stands to reason that you can also make one that turns it back on.
The result was that Lilac was traveling in both comfort and style; a style she felt was the just due of an Elder of the Joketsuzoku.
There's nothing quite like a little medical bribery.
* * *
Kanazuchi sighed, and stuffed the office bottle back into the desk. Despite what he'd learned about Nerima, that's where he'd have to start looking. He slipped on a rumpled old trenchcoat, and donned the battered fedora that he'd bought by mail order from a store in Los Angeles. (He'd been told that Humphrey Bogart had shopped there for his own hats.)
Stepping into the hall, he sneered at the "Out of Order" sign still hanging on the elevator, and took the stairs down to the basement. He counted himself fortunate for having gotten an office in this particular building. It was run-down and poorly maintained, not to mention broiling in the summer and freezing cold in winter. But it had one very special bonus. The basement doubled as a parking garage, and each office in the building had the privilege of one parking space inside that basement.
This was important to Maiku. It gave him a place to keep his pride and joy. A wide happy smile spread across his face as he reached the basement and approached what he thought of as his 'baby'.
A mint condition 1939 late model black Plymouth coupe, it had cost him an incredible amount to buy and have shipped to Japan. It cost even more for the necessary paperwork and the needed maintenance. He probably could have bought a small house in one of the nicer neighborhoods in Tokyo for what it had cost him. But that wasn't important.
It made him FEEL like a detective. He KNEW that as long as he drove it, someday, somehow, a real case would come along. HIS Maltese Falcon. HIS Eyes of Alexander. HIS One-armed Man.
He also knew that THIS case wasn't going to be it.
* * *
In America, a martial arts master of a rather.. UNUSUAL school received a telegram reminding him of a promise made decades ago, during the depths of the Chinese civil war. He swore quietly but creatively for nearly an hour before he called several of his best students to the dojo.
He explained the situation, and asked for a single volunteer.
The bruises on his body (caused by their desperate stampede out of the dojo) took about a week or so to fade.
* * *
Nerima was a nice place to live, if more than a little crazy at times. Unfortunately for the locals, the lunacy level was about to rise by an order of magnitude.
Life's funny that way.
Damn shame, really. Pity about that.
Chapter 3
Gosunkugi Oichi wasn't a bad woman. She loved her husband, she loved her son, and she did everything that was expected of a loyal Japanese wife and mother.
It wasn't HER fault that she looked almost as spooky as her husband. Or that their son looked even spookier than the both of them put together.
Kind, gentle, loving, caring. If she hadn't had those black circles under her eyes, her behavior could have had people mistaking her for an older Tendo Kasumi.
So it was no surprise that she was clutching a postcard that had just arrived in the mail, smiling proudly as she read it. "Takuji! Takuji! Our son is returning home!"
Gosunkugi Takuji blinked mildly. "From where?"
Oichi batted at him gently. "From the spa, husband. Remember?"
"Oh, yes. I thought it had been rather quiet," said Takuji. "No hammering of nails into dolls and such." He smiled. "I wonder what he'll look like after all that time at the spa. Do you think it's made much of a change in him?"
* * *
Lilac smiled as the jet arrived in Tokyo International airport. She might be an Amazon, but she wasn't a masochist. Unlike most of the other elders of the village, she valued her comfort more than the nature around her. While they often decried the outsiders who chose to beat nature into submission (rather than living in harmony with it), as a healer, she had a much less romantic view of 'Mother Nature'.
Mother Nature, she thought to herself, was all too often a cold-blooded bitch. And a pain in the rear, too. Didn't one of those writers my Doug loved so much say someone about "nature, red in tooth and claw", or something like that?
She laughed to herself as the young Japanese stewardesses helped the passengers off the plane. It was strange to see the respectful way they treated her as just another elderly (albeit a gaijin) passenger. She still remembered the bloody days of the 1930's.. the Rape of Nanking hideously clear in her mind.
Not that the People's Republic of China was much better. The Nationalists had stolen everything that wasn't nailed to the ground or protected by armed guards. But the Communists had tried to steal the _souls_ of the people. To an Amazon, no crime could be worse. Things could be replaced. A member of the tribe, lost to the lies of Communism, could not.
A grin crossed her wrinkled face as she remembered an old joke, told to her by the American who'd taught her English so long ago. It didn't work in Chinese, but in English, she felt it was a perfect slap at the so-called "People's Government".
"The People's Republic of China.. the PRC. Nothing but a bunch of PRiCks," she chuckled. "Hehehehe."
She'd learned her first English from a downed American flyer, a member of the famed mercenary group, the Flying Tigers. One look into his eyes, and she could see the hunger for the skies that burned deep within his soul. Trying to tie him to a tiny village in China, trying to tie him to the _ground_.. that would be a crime as senselessly cruel as clipping the wings of an eagle.
Her defeat at his hands had been as much an accident as stepping on a banana peel, and was acknowledged as such by the village elders. So she had been offered a choice that Shampoo never had. She was told that she need not give him the Kiss of Marriage. So she refused.
That was what had put her in conflict with Cologne, originally. All Cologne could see was a chance to USE an American. To her, he was just another asset to be used to protect the village. An asset that Lilac had willfully chosen to throw away, in Cologne's opinion. And then, later, when she'd met Doug, and deliberately threw the fight in order to catch him, that further fanned the flames of her dispute with Cologne. The other woman saw only that Lilac had played fast and loose with their hallowed traditions, and had been allowed to get away with it because it profited the village.
Well, that was Cologne's problem. The Elders had made their decision, and no one could change the past. The moving hand having writ, and all that. Which, Lilac thought, was part of Cologne's problem. The stuffy old battleaxe just couldn't accept losing.
She grinned to herself, winking at the Customs agent who was going through her luggage. The man shuddered slightly, and sped up his search, fearful that the withered old prune giving him the eye might actually try to make a pass at him.
* * *
Dowel looked around. <"Dammit, Sash, where'd you get to?">, she growled in Mandarin.
<"Over there">, said Mace, pointing. <"We're in Japan now. Where ELSE would she head to?">
Dowel suddenly KNEW that the Gods were playing with her head for their own personal entertainment. Sash was perhaps the most rational and level-headed of the Amazons who had been assigned to this husband retrieval party, and on the trip to Japan, Dowel had chosen to make Sash her second in command. But she'd forgotten the one great weakness Sash suffered from.
<"Sugar! Spice! Go get Sash!">
The two girls groaned, and trotted over to where Sash had virtually suction-cupped herself to a store window like some giant car toy. They grabbed an arm and a leg apiece and pried her off the plate glass, dragging the screaming and whimpering girl back to Dowel.
<"We've got a mission to complete, Sash! Your addiction can WAIT!"> Dowel reprimanded her.
<"But they've got copies of the latest 'Pokemon' music video, Dowel! I gotta have it! I JUST GOTTA! Go on without me! PLEASE!">
I'm going to kill him, mused Dowel as she motioned Sugar and Spice to drag Sash along with them. I don't care WHAT the Elders said, I don't care WHAT punishments they give me. The outlander _deserves_ to die for putting me through this hell. I'm going to kill him. Yup. Slowly. Take maybe a year or two. Three, if I'm careful.
Some days it just doesn't pay to be a husband-hunting Amazon. Just ask Dowel. She can tell you all about it. In great detail.
* * *
Kanazuchi Maiku was feeling just a little embarrassed. Asuka's servant had showed up with the picture of the man she was looking for. Although 'picture' didn't quite convey the true essence of what the small woman had lugged (with a great deal of difficulty) up to his office. Maiku hadn't seen an oil painting THAT large anywhere outside of a Western art museum.
Done life-size (or even slightly larger, he suspected), the oil painting was over eight feet tall and four wide. NOT something he could carry around in a wallet to show people when asking them if they'd seen the guy.
Now he was carrying this grotesque monstrosity of a portrait to the local outlet of a nation-wide chain of copying shops. This one had a large format digital camera connected to the personal computers in the shop. With luck, they could take a picture of just the head and face alone, and print up several dozen snapshot sized copies.
As it was, the stares he was receiving were making him sincerely reconsider having taken the case. Whoever Asuka had gotten to make the painting, they'd done it in a high, florid style that hadn't been seen since the Italian Renaissance. It looked worse than the pictures Maiku had
seen on the covers of those bad romances his former secretary had been hooked on. He shook his head. If the guy he was hunting REALLY looked like the portrait, it would be no challenge at all. The poor fool would stick out in Japan like a whale in a desert.
He looked the picture of the gaijin in the face. "Sorry, buddy. Nothing personal. But I need the cash, and you're what the customer is paying for." He shrugged. "Better you than me. Besides, if you ARE in Nerima, you'd be better off with Saginomiya-san than living anywhere in THAT nutty city."
He trudged into the copy shop, man-handling the oil painting through the door, and heaving a grateful sigh when he was able to set it down for the copy shop crew to work on. Then he lit up a cigarette and went out for some coffee and doughnuts while they worked.
After all, it's what Mike Hammer would have done.
* * *
A thin, short, and rather unpleasant looking young man was arguing with his current sensei in the middle of the Los Angeles International Airport.
"Why ME, Master? You have over forty students who study the Disorganized Improvisational School of Martial Arts. Why are you dragging ME along?"
Seamus McGyver slapped his student across the back of his head. "Quiet, boy, I'm trying to listen to the end of 'Ruin Explorer'." The elderly man turned his attention to the pocket television he was watching.
"But Maaaaster...."
Attention never wavering from the anime's closing credits, a hand lashed out, tossing the younger man across the waiting room, bouncing him off a wall before he came to a halt.
When the last of the background music came to a halt, McGyver looked over to his now dizzy student. "YOU'RE the one who came to me, boy, asking to learn a more honorable style than that of the Yankee Carpetbagger School of Martial Arts," snorted the old sensei. "And a more disreputable school there never was. You could have ended up as bad as that young reprobate, Genma Saotome."
Norton South straightened up and stood proudly. "I'm WORSE than Genma!"
Seamus looked at him biliously. "And you take pride in that."
"Well, I haven't sold my son yet," admitted the rebellious student. "But that's only because I don't have one. No woman seems to trust me enough to marry me."
"Now THERE'S a big surprise," sighed Seamus.
Norton looked confused. "Sensei?"
"Never mind, boy. Just get on the plane. And try to keep from swindling the jet out from underneath the pilots this time."
* * *
Cute, busty Amazons bounding through the doors of the Nekohanten were no surprise to the regular customers. It happened so often, it was more of a surprise to finish a meal _without_ having one come sailing through a door, a window, or even (in rare occasions, and usually as the result of a fight that didn't quite come off) through a wall. So when an identical pair of the same came happily running into the cafe, no one even looked twice. There WERE a few comments about Amazons in stereo, but they mostly came from customers who were new to Nerima.
<"HIIIIIIIIII! Big Sister! We're HEERREE!">
WHOP. THUD.
<"OWIE!">
Cologne resumed her perch on her staff. <"No shouting in the cafe, it upsets the customers. Now, what are you two doing back here? And speak in Japanese. I don't need customers getting paranoid.">
Rin rubbed the large lump on her on her head. <"Elder Cologne..">
The staff was suddenly in the air again, aimed at Rin Rin's head, when Ran shoved an elbow into her twin's ribs. "Elder, we bring message from Council to you. To better speak alone?"
Cologne frowned slightly, then pogo'ed off into the kitchen, the twin sisters obediently following close behind. She led them into the storage room, and turned. "What is it?"
Ran Ran took a deep breath and began, the worst news first. And she prayed that Elder Cologne, while a staunch upholder of tradition, did NOT believe in the ancient tradition of killing the messenger who brought the bad news.
A few moments later, the customers finishing their lunch heard a rising voice from the direction of the kitchen snarl "LILAC?!" That's when, aside from one stubborn hold-out, everyone stood up, paid their bills and briskly filed out the door.
They'd learned the drill by now. Cologne had trained her customers well.
* * *
Gos sighed as the train slowed to a halt inside the station. Trying to keep Ryouga from wandering away and becoming lost again was slowly driving him to distraction. He'd known the lost boy's abilities to become lost were great, but he had no IDEA that they were THIS powerful. Ryouga had gotten lost on the train itself three times in four hours.
Thankfully, it was almost over. All that was left was to lead Ryouga to the Tendo dojo, then he could find some hot water and return home to his own loving family. He paused, rubbing the back of his head in an uncertain gesture. What would his parents think of his new curse?
He pondered that for a long moment, while absent-mindedly towing Ryouga back to their seats. (The Lost Boy had gotten lost <yet again> on the way back from the restroom.)
I won't tell them, he thought. It's not like I have Ranma's problem.. how hard can it be to avoid cold water when you _AREN'T_ a martial artist? They don't need to know, and they won't find out. No problem.
* * *
Needless to say, THIS is a textbook example of the sort of irrational, almost insane, overconfidence that's endemic among most Neriman martial artists, American super-heroes, and Harlequin Romance Novel studs.
Thank the gods it's not infectious. Let's hope it stays that way.
* * *
"Here we are, Ryouga. The Tendo dojo, as promised." Gos wiped his forehead with the back of one hand. "Do you want me to lead you to the front door?"
Ryouga shook his head. "I think I can make it from here. And.. and thanks for the hot water, Wan. I really appreciated it."
Hikaru shrugged. "I was glad to help, really."
"Still, thank you." Ryouga struggled with the words. "I... I really needed the help."
"You're welcome, Ryouga. I have to go now, I need to tell some people that I'm back in town. Maybe we'll see one another again? Nerima's a pretty small place; we might run into each other soon."
"If I can _stay_ in Nerima," sighed Ryouga. "But yeah, I think I'd like that."
Gos waved, and walked down the street. He sighed as he turned a corner and saw Ryouga carefully headed AWAY from the Tendos' front door. Oh well, he thought, I did what I could. And it _was_ a little heroic. At least a little bit. Well, generous, anyway. Sort of.
Then he went looking for a source of hot water. It was time to go home.
* * *
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"Norton, what have I told you about molesting stewardesses?"
The young man blinked. "Uhh.. to not get caught? No, wait.. that was my LAST sensei. What was it.. you told me just a few days ago.. I'll remember.. just give me a minute.."
Seamus suddenly appeared to be several times his normal size, standing over Norton like the Colossus of Rhodes. "I SAID DON'T DO IT!"
Norton squeaked in terror, and tried hiding under his seat. As it was a standard airline seat, with only enough space underneath for a carry-on bag, this wasn't one of his better ideas. Other passengers in rows near them cringed away to the furthest extent their seatbelts allowed.
"Boy, if you can't control your libido, I'll have to do it for you." Seamus reached over and quickly tapped several spots on the boy's back in quick succession. "There. That should take care of things."
"What did you do?!"
"Shiatsu impotence spot." He laughed at the horror in Norton's eyes. "Don't worry, it'll wear off in a few hours. AFTER we land in Japan."
The boy sighed in frustration as he scrambled back into his seat. "Well, there's always three card monte..."
Seamus gave his student a harsh look. "For your information, we're aboard a JAL flight. That means _Japanese_ laws apply to anything we do while in flight. And we're gaijin, boy. That means they'll throw the book at us for the additional crime of being not-Japanese. You even LOOK like you're thinking about running a con, and I'll hit a spot that produces clear-mindedness, and another that is a tranquilizing spot. When I'm done, you'll have the worst case of niceness this side of Mr. Rogers. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," grumbled Norton, carefully pulling his hand back out of his pocket _without_ the deck of cards hidden there. "Gotta make nice-nice for the Japs."
This earned him another clout upside the head.
* * *
Hikaru frowned, feeling a frustration that he thought he'd never have to put up with again. He was a hero, right? Heroes didn't HAVE problems like this! There had to be some hot water around here _somewhere_.
He'd tried three restaurants already. Two threw him out for asking for a mere cup of hot water, and the third wanted to be paid for it. Since he didn't have any yen left from his trip and wouldn't have any more until he could go home, that meant he wouldn't be getting any help at the yakitori place.
Then, while cudgeling his brains, trying to think of another source, it hit him. The Nekohanten, he thought. Ranma's always going there and to the Ucchan's for hot water when he needs it, why can't I?
A tiny voice in the back of his head was screaming about Amazons and stupid ideas and something about fools and angels, but Gos wasn't listening to it. After all, REAL heroes never listen to things like that. Almost all the books agreed on that.
* * *
Maiku walked back to Kiki's Copy Service (the name was disgustingly cute, but they DID do a good job. And they did all their own deliveries.) and picked up the wallet-sized copies of the full face shot they'd made for him from the oil painting. He phoned a messenger service to come pick up the painting and return it to Asuka-san. Just for the hell of it, he insisted on the express service, with three hour rush delivery.
What the hell, she was paying for it.
Stopping by the coffee shop for a box of doughnuts to go and a pitcher of coffee, he prepared to brave the wilds of untamed Nerima, with its crazed martial artists, chi-draining vampire teachers, insane hair-obsessed high school principals and man-hunting Amazons.
I shoulda taken that job in Chicago with Rally Vincent and Minnie May, he thought. The Chicago mob wasn't half this dangerous. After all, the Mafia just tortured and killed you.
* * *
Lilac smiled as she approached the Cat Cafe. She wasn't a warrior, but that didn't mean that she was unable to move quietly when she wanted to.
She ghosted through the front door without Shampoo noticing her. In the kitchen, however, Cologne jerked her head around as she sensed a presence that she hadn't felt since she'd left the village to help Shampoo.
<"Hey, Cologne! You still the same prude you were when we were kids?"> cackled Lilac.
Cologne bounced out of the kitchen on her staff, a sour expression on her withered face. <"Lilac. What brings an old bimbo like you to the Cat Cafe?">
<"You know as well as I do, Cologne. I saw Rin and Ran through the window as I came down the street, and that means that you got the message from the Council. Rin might still be a bit of an airhead, but Ran's capable enough, if flighty."> Lilac's grin grew wider. <"So don't try to play ignorant with me, Cologne, you don't do it very well.">
The older Amazon sighed and conceded the verbal battle. She bounced over to a table, giving Lilac a dirty look. <"All right then. You honestly think that this Jyusenkyo-cursed moron who's gotten all the unmarried girls hot for him would head HERE? The one city in all Japan that has a built-in supply of Amazons to track him down and drag him back to the village?">
<"I said he looked like a stud, Cologne. I didn't say anything about brains. For that matter, from the looks of the boy, most of what he's currently thinking with is swinging between his legs.">
<"Then why on earth are you helping them try to catch him?"> Cologne frowned.
<"Hey, _you're_ the one who's so gung ho on tradition, Cologne,"> smiled Lilac. <"Gung ho.. heh. I love the way the Americans manage to steal from every language on the globe. Even ours. But I digress. Tradition says that if an outsider male defeats an Amazon.. oh, why am I telling you this? You know the words, sing along! And that boy's kiss was positively LETHAL. He had half the unmarried females fighting each other over who would be first to challenge him. The other half were swooning at the thought of being kissed by him.">
That caused Cologne's frown to deepen. <"Lilac, all rivalry aside for a moment?">
<"A truce? 'Five Minutes'. Will that do?">
<"It will,"> nodded Cologne.
<"'Five Minutes', then. Starting now.">
<"_All_ the unmarried females, you said?">
Lilac nodded. <"If any weren't affected, _I_ certainly didn't see them. That doesn't mean that there weren't any, though. I _do_ know Mace was strongly attracted to him, and you know how _she_ is.">
Cologne's eyebrows went up in surprise. <"Mace? Interested in a man? That says it all, Lilac. This behavior isn't natural.">
<"What was your first clue?"> snorted the Healer.
<"You don't need to be snotty about it, Lilac. What I'm getting at is that if it's not natural, it's probably magic. That much goes without saying, I know. But have you considered the fact that it's magic that we don't know anything about, and don't control?">
That brought Lilac up short. <"Oh, shit. I let that slip right by me. I _must_ be getting old and senile.">
It was Cologne's turn to laugh. <"You said it, I didn't. Anyway, if there's magic involved that we aren't familiar with, then you'd best step carefully, for the sake of the village. And by that same token, I won't interfere in anything that's strictly for the purposes of catching him. Where magic is concerned, I don't want to take a chance that might backfire and affect our people."> Her eyes narrowed. <"That doesn't mean our rivalry is over, though.">
<"I wouldn't want it to be, Cologne. It's given me too much entertainment over these past few decades. And I know a stubborn old stick like you would sooner die than admit it, but you've been having fun too.">
Cologne looked at her with a level gaze. <"I'm _not_ saying I would miss you. I'm not saying I _wouldn't_ miss you. But when you reach our age, boredom can get to be a pain in the ass.">
<"Too true, Cologne. Too true.">
They both laughed.
* * *
Kanazuchi stomped on his brakes, narrowly avoiding hitting a small black pig that was wandering in the center of the street in a confused manner. He looked closely at the small porker, noting the spotted bandanna that it was wearing. Then he looked around at the neighborhood.
"Okay, it's definite. I'm in Nerima," he sighed. "And just two bus stops past the edge of the Twilight Zone from the looks of it."
Feeling VERY regretful that he couldn't carry a pistol, he slowly drove around the lost pet in the middle of the road, heading for his first stop. Furinkan High School.
It's a shame Ryouga didn't know that. He could have gotten a ride there.
* * *
Gos was feeling something that he wasn't quite familiar with. Rage. The fear that was always lurking around the edges of his mind was nowhere to be seen, having been chased away by frustration and the more subtle effects of his curse.
He'd tried Ucchan's okonomiyaki place first, since it was closest. It was closed with a sign outside explaining that the grill was being repaired (a large Ranma's-forehead-sized dent was being hammered out) and that they'd be open again tomorrow.
Doctor Tofu's office was full of waiting patients who were happy to explain that the good doctor was out on a brief house call and would be back in forty-five minutes.
Gos wanted to scream. This was impossible! How could something as _simple_ as hot water be so hard to _find_?
He left Tofu's office and started jogging steadily in the direction of the Nekohanten. He never noticed the trail of star-struck girls (and the occasional rather suspiciously effeminate looking boy) that he was gradually picking up as he ran.
* * *
Meanwhile, in a mountain retreat somewhere in Tibet, a young man felt a cold shudder run down his spine, and went to speak with his Master.
After explaining the uneasy feeling he had when he'd faced the rising sun, his ancient Master closed his eyes, extending HIS senses.
The Master sat there for long minutes, looking deeply with his mystic abilities. Then he stood, placed a calming hand on the younger man's shoulders and said...
"Oh, lord, it's those idiots in Nerima again."
Then he told his student to pack. They were going to take a vacation. The Falkland Islands were nice this time of year.
* * *
Gos let out a small cheer when the Nekohanten came into view. FINALLY, some hot water! He could go home and rest. Without a second thought, he dashed up to the door and rushed inside.
* * *
The two Amazon Elders had settled down and were enjoying a quiet cup of tea during a lull in the trade.
<"Come now, Lilac, do you REALLY expect the boy to show up here in Nerima? I admit that it DOES appear to be a point where chance and chaos rule, but it's rather much to expect that he'll come here merely because he's Japanese."> Cologne's withered face wrinkled up in a grin. She was one up on her old rival, and didn't intend to concede the point.
<"And you don't? What with all the insanity that surrounds your son-in-law? Ha! Don't make me laugh. Anyway, now that Rin and Ran have delivered the message, I'll collect them and be on my way. I've called an old friend in America, and with his help, we're going to set up a second business here in Nerima while we hunt for the boy, funneling the money back to the village. Never hurts to have a extra backup or two in place, no?">
Cologne nodded. <"RIN, RAN? GET DOWN HERE! AND QUIT OGLING THE BOYS ON THE STREET! LILAC'S HERE TO COME GET YOU,"> she loudly announced, in a voice that could have penetrated steel.
Rin and Ran appeared, rushing down the stairs like an Amazon flood. <"We're here, Elde..URK?!">
Lilac and Cologne both blinked. Urk? Then they both looked towards the door.
<"IT'S YOU!"> came out in two part harmony from the twins.
"It's YOU!" snapped Lilac in Japanese.
"IT'S YOU!" screamed Gos in the same language. "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Then he made a mad dash for the kitchen, leaping over tables and dodging the tackle attempts the twin Amazons made. A twist of his hips that would have made an American football player proud caused Lilac's staff to miss him by a hair's width, smashing plates on a table freshly reset for a new customer. His frantic eyes spotted a small insulated carafe on a kitchen counter, steam still wafting from its spout. Sprinting through the kitchen like Jesse Owens, he snagged the stoppered serving bottle by its handle and burst through the back door of the Nekohanten in approved Nerima style. Without opening it first, that is.
Cologne just shook her head and watched as the twins bounded over the tumbled tables and the wreckage of the door, setting out in pursuit of the escaping 'husband'. <"Looks like I owe you an apology, Lilac. You were right.">
<"Ehh.. doesn't matter,"> shrugged the Elder Healer. <"And I'll pay for the door. I should have seen THAT one coming..">
Cologne returned the shrug. <"It's Nerima. It happens.">
* * *
Gosunkugi was running like a man possessed. Or perhaps like a man about to BE possessed. By a pair of husband-hunting Amazons, in this case. His leaps and bounds over the obstacles in his path would have made most Olympic athletes give up their careers in self-disgust. He hurdled a mailbox with over a foot to spare.
Gottagettawaygottagettawaygottagettaway, echoed through his mind. That was the only thought he had. Escape. Even the stoppered pitcher of hot water clenched tightly in his hand was forgotten in his desperation.
He was dashing across a street when a large, black, and rather old-fashioned looking car crossed his path, headed straight for him. Without pausing, he bounded over it, clearing the roof and landing on the other side, legs pumping furiously.
* * *
Kanazuchi Maiku screeched to a halt and stared at the young man running for his life, then thumped his head on the steering wheel.
Only in Nerima, he thought. Only in Nerima would the mark I'm looking for actually run up to and right OVER me.
He stopped banging his head as he noticed what appeared to be a pair of twin girls chasing his target, a pair dressed in much the same fashion as one of the women that was mentioned in his files on Nerima. Xian Pu, or Shan Pu, or Shampoo, or something like that.
Oh, isn't that LOVELY, he thought. With my luck, it's more Amazons, and they'll want to drag his ass back to China.
He blinked as he noticed the procession following the fleeing man and the pursuing Amazons. What looked like nearly two dozen young women (and three rather beautiful looking men) were chasing after the first three and slowly falling behind with frustrated cries of "Come back!" and "I love you!" and "I want to be your loveslave sextoy!"
Maiku raised an eyebrow at that last, as it had come from one of the bishonen young men. He shook his head and pulled over into the nearest parking space, intent on backtracking the trail of tumbled property, splinters of cement and wood, and the occasional bruised pedestrian to wherever the chase had started. Perhaps he'd find some answers there.
It was a sure bet that he wasn't going to have any success chasing the mark if he could leap over the Plymouth like that. He might be a little obsessed when it came to film noire detectives, but Maiku wasn't stupid. He was in his forties, heavy-set, and was never a sprinter, even in his youth. He couldn't outrun a kid like that on the best day of his life. No, if he wanted to catch this one, he had to outTHINK his mark.
And that meant finding out just what the HELL was going on in Nerima.
* * *
The business district of Nerima was quite busy and shoppers packed the streets. Hikaru did his best to push his way through the crowd, heading for a large, multi-floored department store, hoping he could lose the pursuing Amazons inside.
Dashing up a staircase and dodging bodies left and right, he spotted a sign that gave him an idea.
* * *
"<He went in there, Ran!>"
The sisters rushed up to a door, only to be blocked by an immense Japanese woman. "You can't go in there, that's the men's toilet!"
"<What did she say?>"
"<That it's a men-only room, Rin.>" Ran heard the sound of shattering glass from behind the door, and pushed the woman aside. Shoving the door open, she ran inside, only to see a broken window and no Amazon husband-to-be. She grabbed a man who'd been washing his hands. "Where handsome man go? You tell Ran NOW!"
The businessman pointed to a stall, Ran opened it only to see a weedy-looking young boy with wet hair looking at her in terror, holding a pair of loose pants up to his waist with both hands.
"<Damn! This isn't him! Stupid Japanese! He got away! Come on, Rin!>"
The twins leapt through the window, looking in all directions for the missing hunk, but he was nowhere to be seen. After a quarter hour of searching and finding no trace, they despondently headed back to the Cat Cafe to report their failure to Lilac and Cologne.
* * *
Gosunkugi emerged from the toilet stall, dripping wet and in his natural form once more. Grabbing some paper towels, he mopped the water from his hair and face. Smashing the window and then changing with the hot water had been an inspired idea, although he wasn't quite certain where it had come from. Usually his ideas and plans weren't this effective.
Now that he was back in his non-cursed form, he felt.. smaller, somehow. Not in body, but in spirit. He shook his head and stepped over to the sink to refill the carafe with hot water. He'd learned that much, at least. Then he slowly made his way out of the department store and began to slowly trudge home.
* * *
The silence aboard the jetliner was shattered by an annoying, whiny-sounding voice.
"Master, can't you release me from this shiatsu thing? Come on, you were young once, you used to know what it's like to need a woman..."
"I _said_, after we land, boy. And you'd better be on your best behavior then, or I'll turn you over to the Amazons."
"Amazons," sniffed Norton. "Like they're any threat to _me_."
Seamus shook his head tiredly. You really have a death wish, don't you, boy. He glared at his student. "It's time for your next lesson, boy."
Norton perked up. "What is it, Master? A pressure point? A new combination strike? A chi attack?"
"It's this, boy. _Boot to the Head!_"
SWISH. THUMP.
"OWWW! You booted me in.. the.. heeeead...."
Norton slumped in his seat, unconscious. Seamus stood and bowed as the rest of the passengers on the plane applauded him vigorously.
* * *
Hikaru trudged slowly down the streets of Nerima, heading for his home. He took great pains to avoid all puddles, and tried to stay as far from the curb as possible, afraid of being splashed by a passing car.
What am I doing wrong, he asked himself. I thought it would be so easy. I'd leap into the Spring of the Drowned Hero, and everything would be solved. Why isn't it WORKING?
He turned a corner and spotted his home. Heaving a heavy sigh, he approached the door, tapping on it lightly.
"Mom? Dad? Is anyone home?"
The door swung wide, and Gos was swept into his mother's arms. "Hi-chan! Oh, my precious little boy is home!"
Hikaru squirmed in embarrassment. "Mooooom... _please!_ Everybody can SEE!"
"Takuji!" she called. "Our baby is home! Come see how healthy our son is!"
Her husband came to the door and laid an approving hand on his son's shoulder. "You look much better, son. Stronger, healthier. Is this what the spa did for you?
"I.. well.. it.. I.. you.. they.." Gos stammered uncertainly.
* * *
Nerima is like any other city when you discount the large number of insanely skilled martial artists who've made it their home for the moment. It has power lines, water lines, gas lines, and sewage. It has, in other words, Public Works. And it has people who are paid to take care of them.
These people, obviously, don't like martial artists very much. After all, martial artists go running around punching holes in the very things these people spend so much of their lives taking care of.
So, when it comes to certain locations in Nerima, they aren't as prompt as they should be in regards to quick repairs. In fact, if this weren't Japan, one could describe their behavior as downright surly.
Overworked, underpaid, and frustrated. Who would blame them, who COULD blame them, for missing something small? Something, say, like a faulty seal in a fire hydrant.
It wasn't as if it were life threatening. If this particular seal blew out, a fire hydrant would spray water over a small side street and perhaps the front yard of one home. It wouldn't do any serious damage. At worst, a few people might get wet.
Don't you just love it when Fate takes a hand?
* * *
Hikaru's gibbering came to a sudden halt as he felt his body expand and grow as the cold wet spray hit him. His parents stared at him, their eyes round in shock.
"Uh.. Mom? I.. I guess I forgot to tell you about my new curse."
Oichi passed out, falling into her husband's arms.
Chapter 4
Lilac patted Rin and Ran on their shoulders. <"It's all right, girls. Chasing men is just like fishing. There's _always_ going to be the one that got away."> She grinned. <"That just means you have to get a little more bait, and throw your line into the water again.">
Cologne snorted. <"That's something I'm certain you'd know about, Lilac.">
<"Be that as it may, Cologne, it's still the truth. I seem to recall a certain Amazon who went chasing after a young pervert once...">
<"I was trying to retrieve our village treasures, as you well know, Lilac,"> Cologne said with some asperity.
<"That's not what Happy said the last time I ran into the old lech,"> grinned Lilac.
<"As if you could trust anything the old pervert says,"> Cologne replied.
<"True, true,"> Lilac nodded. <"Well, it's time we should be going. I have someone to meet at the airport soon enough, and then I have to see a real estate agent to close a deal. Rin, Ran, come along, girls.">
<"Ah, you did mention something about another business for the village,"> said Cologne. <"Just out of idle curiosity, what might it be?">
<"Idle curiosity? From you, Cologne? I'm hurt. Do I _look_ like I've grown that senile in the past two years?"> The Healer smirked at Cologne. <"No, don't answer that. Anyway, given your son-in-law's propensity for destructive combat and Shan Pu's nasty habit of making her OWN doors
into a building, I think it should be obvious.">
Cologne blinked in surprise. <"You don't mean...">
<"That's right. Chinese Amazon Martial Arts Construction and Repair. Heheheheheheh! See you around, Cologne!">
The three-foot tall Elder skipped away, twirling her staff like a band leader's baton, enjoying her latest opportunity to irritate her rival.
Behind her, Cologne was staring at the Healer as she led Rin and Ran down the street. <"Why do I feel a large headache coming on?"> she asked rhetorically.
Lilac suddenly zipped back to the Nekohanten's door. <"That's funny, I thought you would have felt one just _leaving_!"> Then she sped back down the street, cackling maniacally.
Cologne sighed and went into the back room to take a headache powder. This was going to be one of THOSE weeks. She could tell.
* * *
Takuji held his unconscious wife in his arms, his eyes bulging as he looked at the tall blond man standing in the doorway of his home.
"S-s-s-son? Is.. is that YOU?" he stammered.
The gaijin's shoulders slumped. "I'm sorry, Father. This is all my fault. I have a curse now, just like
Saotome."
"You turn into a tall blond girl, too?"
Gos wanted to facefault, but this gaijin body didn't seem to know quite how to do it. It kept wanting to slap its forehead instead. "NO, Father. THIS is my curse. This body."
Takuji nodded, confused. "I don't understand. But you will explain yourself?"
"Can I get some hot water first, Father? I think Mother would feel better if she saw me in my uncursed form when she wakes up."
"That.. would be a good idea, son. You do that, and I'll take your Mother into the living room."
Gos re-embarked on his now eternal quest for hot water as his father carefully gathered Oichi in his arms and carried her to a waiting futon.
* * *
Oichi came back to the conscious world to see her husband's worried face peering down at her. "Oh, Takuji.. I had this terrible dream. Our son had come home, and when some cold water hit him, he _changed_, just like that nice Saotome boy!"
A huge sweatdrop rolled down the back of Takuji's neck. "Uhhm.. Dearest? I'm afraid it wasn't.. quite.. a dream."
She lifted her head to see her son (in his uncursed form) looking worriedly down at her. Gos hung his head. "I.. I'm sorry, Mother. I lied to you."
"Why, son?"
All the frustration in Hikaru's heart seemed to break free all at once. "Because I want to be a HERO! I want to be someone that Tendou Akane can respect and fall in love with! I want to be SOMEBODY!" His shoulders sagged. "So I took all the money from the sales of my voodoo stuff and used it to travel to the same place Ranma got HIS curse from. I wanted to get the curse from the Spring of the Drowned Hero. I thought.. I thought I could use it."
"That huge blond gaijin was you, Hi-chan?" Oichi's eyes went wide.
Gos looked even more embarrassed. "I guess I didn't think that the Hero who drowned in the Spring might not be Japanese or Chinese."
This time, BOTH of his parents facefaulted.
* * *
"EEEEEEEEK!"
Seamus McGyver swore under his breath. I swear, I'm going to have the boy castrated, just as soon as I can find a vet, he thought.
Then a _male_ scream of horror erupted from the knot of women attempting to do their solemn duty to punish all perverts. The crowd retreated to reveal a short elderly woman grinning evilly at a desperately-trying-to-escape Norton South.
"Aaaaaaaaaah! She _groped_ me!" Norton screamed.
Seamus nodded to himself and walked over. "It's been a while, Lilac. How's life treating you?"
Lilac smirked. "Better than it's treating you at the moment, Seamus. I take it that _this_," she poked at the quivering and paralyzed lecher, "is yours? That student you told me about? He was hard to miss."
"Unfortunately so," frowned Seamus. He looked Norton over carefully. "I've never seen that particular pressure point before. Secret Amazon technique?"
"Yup. So, how's things in America?"
"Same old, same old, Lilac. The kids get younger and dumber, I get older. You know the drill." He offered the shorter woman his arm. "Shall we go? I want to get out of here before they pound the idiot to death, no matter how much he deserves it."
"I have a solution to that," grinned Lilac. She snapped her fingers, and the twins rushed to her side. <"Rin, Ran. Find a baggage cart. Here's some money to pay for it. Load Master Seamus's student onto it and follow us. And for our Ancestors' sakes, do NOT let the little molester get his paws on you. You'll regret it, and Master Seamus will regret having to remove one of his students
on your account.">
Rin and Ran came to attention at the tone of command in Lilac's voice. <"Yes, Elder! Right away!"> They took the money and headed off to a store located on the airport concourse.
In short order, a still paralyzed Norton was bundled onto a cheap luggage cart and towed along in the wake of the two Elders.
"So, Seamus.. how's Chiun?"
"Still training that Remo kid, last I heard."
"I'll bet he's still hooked on those American soap operas. How about you? Still addicted to Japanese cartoons?"
* * *
Kanazuchi had tracked the trail of destruction to a small ramen joint, the "Cat Cafe". He drew a deep breath and strode inside. Taking a seat, he looked around.
Nice place. Lot of repairs, though. Looks like a number of fights took place here, he thought. His trained eye picked out all the carefully, even lovingly, done patches on some of the walls.
He was taken somewhat aback when what looked like a three foot tall troll doll bounced up to him on top of a twisted wooden staff.
"What would you like to order?" asked the troll.
Maiku shook his head twice to clear it. "Some pork ramen, green tea, and a little information."
Cologne's face wrinkled up into a smile. "The ramen and tea are easy. Information.. ahh.. that costs extra, young man."
Maiku sighed. "It always does, honored elder. It always does."
Cologne laughed, and sent Shampoo for the order. She sat across the table from Maiku. "So, who are you, and what brings you to the madhouse known as Nerima? Perhaps a fat old martial artist engaged his son to your daughter and you're searching to find them both, eh?"
The tea arrived, and Maiku took a long, calming sip. "No. What I'm looking for is this person." He pulled out the photograph of Gosunkugi's cursed form, as painted by Asuka's private artist. "I'm a private detective and I've been hired to trace him and find out all the personal details I can about him. Nothing more. And meaning no offense, grandmother, but the sooner I can get that done and get OUT of Nerima, the better I'll like it."
Cologne's grin spread across her face. "None taken, young man. I quite understand." She looked closely at the photo. "He doesn't look too familiar, but that doesn't mean much in Nerima. We have obsessed martial artists, questing princes, and curse victims wandering in and out of town on a regular basis."
Kanazuchi sighed. "Please, ma'am. I'm not as dumb as I look. No one _could_ be. I've backtracked him to this restaurant. I mean you and yours no harm. I'm merely a man trying to earn a living."
The pork ramen arrived, and Cologne motioned him to eat up. "All right then. If you tell me what you know, and tell me the truth, mind you, I'll consider telling you what *I* know. I'll _consider_ it. Nothing more."
Maiku nodded, realizing that this was the best he was going to get for the moment. Everything he'd learned about his Art (and he _did_ think of it as an Art, with a capital letter) told him that if he tried to get tough with this elderly woman, he'd be leaving the restaurant as a heavily bruised lump of human meat. If he was lucky.
"It all started a few days ago..."
* * *
Dowel was smiling again. But this time it wasn't a happy smile. It was the sort of smile people normally expected to see on the face of a lunatic with a high-powered rifle. The sort of smile that sent shudders down one's back.
<"Tao? What did I say about drawing attention to ourselves while we're in Japan?">
Tao gave the group leader a defiant look. <"I don't give a damn. They're just a bunch of lazy, good-for-nothing men, and just because one of them wears a uniform doesn't give him the right to order me aroun.. urk.">
<"That _man_ was a traffic officer, Tao. And if you had been paying attention, you would have noticed that he was trying to WARN you about the oncoming truck."> Dowel's voice had gone flat and unexpressive. <"Not that your being crushed to death by a delivery van would have been any great loss to me, but I'd have to explain it to the Elders when we returned home, and that's tedious. Now understand this. By decree of the Elders, I am LEADER of this band. That means, in the absence of an Elder or other authority, I hold the power of life and death over this group. And in _your_ case, I'm tempted to exercise that power, Tao.">
Dowel unwrapped her fingers from around Tao's neck. <"Is that clear, Tao?">
<"... yesss ..."> hissed the younger girl from a sore throat.
<"Yes, what?">
<"Yes.. Leader,"> came the reluctant reply.
Dowel nodded sharply, then turned to Sash. <"Do you think you can deal with your anime problem long enough to watch over Tao, Sash?">
The younger Amazon nodded. <"I think I have it under control, Dowel. It's just.."> Her eyes dwelled longingly on a nearby advertisement for a new anime. <"I think I can. For now.">
<"Good. And I promise, after this is all over and successful, we'll see about a shopping trip for you. My word upon it.">
Sash grinned, and marched over to the unhappy Tao. <"She just said the magic words, Tao. If you get out of line, you'll be interfering with my chances to shop for anime. And I don't intend to let that happen.">
Tao just gave a defeated snarl.
Dowel clapped her hands together. <"Okay, we haven't found him or any trace of him in the area. Elder Lilac said that he's probably going to head for Nerima. Why she thinks that, I don't know, but she's the Elder and much wiser than we are. So, on your feet. We're off to Nerima.">
Mace and the others nodded. At least they had a target now. <"Hey! Does this mean we'll get to see Elder Lilac? Maybe she'll have a place we can stay. No more sleeping out in the fields!">
Cardamom nudged Mace in the ribs. <"You're an Amazon,"> she whispered. <"You're supposed to value hardship as something that builds character.">
<"And your point is?">
Cardamom sighed. <"Never mind.">
* * *
"You didn't even think to ask the Guide at the Springs if the Hero was Japanese or not, son?" asked Takuji.
Gos shrugged. "I thought the map would take care of everything. I mean, who'd have thought a WESTERN hero would have drowned in China?"
This caused his father's face to briefly break out in a Soun-type expression. (No. 387, "My child is an blithering idiot with the brains of a Genma Saotome.")
Oichi looked fascinated. "Son? Would you dunk yourself again? Please?"
Hikaru looked confused. "Huh? Again? I--"
"Please? For Mother?"
Gos shrugged, and stepped into the kitchen for a glass of cold water. Returning to the living room, he splashed himself as requested and was instantly replaced by his cursed form.
To his surprise (and maybe a little dawning horror), this time his mother's response wasn't a shriek, or a scream, or even fainting. It was something MUCH worse.
"Oh, Takuji, isn't he CUTE?!" she squealed.
The two men of the family looked at her in astonishment, then looked at each other, dumbfounded.
"Well, he IS," she said, hurt by their doubts. A long, happy sigh escaped her lips. "My son is going to be a hero. A _cute_ hero. Even cuter than that Saotome boy! Oh, I'm so blessed by the kami!"
She bounced to her feet. "We'll have to get you a second wardrobe, one that fits, something suitably heroic looking. And make certain you always have plenty of cold water on hand. And find you a sidekick, and a few rivals, and a girl who obsesses over you but whom you never notice.. oh, so MANY things!"
She rushed over to a desk, grabbing a piece of paper and a pen, and began to make a list.
Takuji glanced over at his son. "Hikaru?"
"Yes, Father?"
"We're in trouble."
"Indeed, Father."
* * *
Cologne frowned slightly at what she'd just learned. The detective hadn't given her a name, but from the description of the painting, his client's likely identity seemed rather obvious to her. The self-proclaimed "White Lily" hadn't spent much time involved in the chaos that was her son-in-law's life, but what Cologne HAD determined about the girl was that she was only slightly less irrational than the Kuno girl. Something which, at the time, had managed to mildly surprise her, as she hadn't thought that was possible. She turned back to the detective.
"So you have no personal interest in the young man in the photograph?" she probed.
"None at all, ma'am. As I said, I'm to find out who he is, where he lives, a little bit about his background, and turn that information over to the person who hired me." Maiku nodded. Then he raised a meaty hand. "And before you ask, it's against my professional ethics to compromise a client's privacy."
Cologne's wrinkled face twitched up into a knowing smile. "There are ways around that, you know."
"I know," shrugged the detective. "I also know that you could ruin my career with some of those methods, ma'am." He nodded towards his cup of tea, giving it a meaningful glance. "And all that I can do is to politely ask you not to."
"You're right about one thing," replied Cologne.
"What's that?"
"You are smarter than you look, boy. A little slow, but then, all kids are," chuckled the Amazon elder. "And properly respectful towards your elders. I like that. So I'll give you something for now. Because I like you, and also for reasons of my own." She motioned Shampoo to bring them more tea. "And because I think it will prove entertaining, Mr. Private Investigator. You interest me."
* * *
Alan Smithee was in Japan. Not that he wanted to be, but as one of the most prolific writers in Hollywood, the people who employed him didn't want him burning out. And when the studio shrink said that he needed a rest, he was ordered to take one. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.
Not that he was a good writer, mind you. Just prolific. And Hollywood, like any other industry, needed large amounts of manure to fertilize things. So, Alan was packed up and sent on a month-long tour of the Far East and told to enjoy it. Or else.
So he wasn't to do any writing, plotting, directing, producing, or anything even remotely creative. This wasn't all that hard for him, as most of what he wrote wasn't very creative to begin with.
At the moment, he was in "The Silent Room"; a lavish bar where rich tourists and Japanese businessmen were spoon-fed sushi by lovely looking geisha as they sucked up over-priced sake and imported scotch.
But he wasn't having half the fun he felt he should be having. He leaned back slightly, his eyes wandering towards a window that faced out on the street. That's when he saw her.
* * *
Dowel was leading the small group of Amazons north to Nerima, trying to ignore the many Japanese men leering at them, when a short Westerner dashed out of a building on the other side of the street and started gabbling at her in some foreign tongue.
She frowned when he laid a hand on her fighting staff and kept muttering something that sounded like "law les" over and over. Lifting her staff into the air, she shook it briskly until the small Westerner fell from it to the ground. Then she punted him across the street.
<"Damn foreigners. Damn Japan. Damn _Men_,"> Dowel muttered. <"Why can't the Elders come up with a way for us to have baby girls _without_ needing any males?">
<"Because it wouldn't be as much fun?"> replied Sash.
<"Speak for yourself,"> interjected Mace.
All the other Amazons looked at her and sweatdropped.
* * *
Alan came to, his body aching from the impact with a wall. Shaking his head woozily, he fumbled for his inadequate Japanese.
"That woman, woman who kick me, who she is?"
One of the passers-by shook her head ruefully. "That, honored guest of our country, was a Nyujiezu."
"A what?"
The passer-by tried to keep a straight face. "An Amazon, from China, Amerikajin."
"Amazon? A warrior female, say you?" Alan blinked, pushing his headache away for the moment. He couldn't afford to let it distract him. Something IMPORTANT was happening, he could _feel_ it.
Then it came to him. Tall, over six feet. Strong. A woman warrior. The hair looked naturally black, and she seemed to know how to handle weapons. YES! He'd found the perfect stunt double for Lucy Lawless!
With that, he gave a happy sigh and passed out again.
* * *
Nabiki was unhappy. Her various assistants in Furinkan had informed her of a stranger, apparently a private investigator, asking questions around Nerima. Worse, the person the private eye was looking for was totally unknown to her. She had NO information that she could sell! She found this less than satisfying.
She turned to the three girls she had summoned. "Atsuko? I want you to get a copy of the picture this investigator's been showing around. Choji, you're to find out the name of this investigator, and get back to me _immediately_. Masakazu? I want you to spread the word. Anyone talks to the PI without telling _me_ what they know first, their debts come due immediately."
Masakuzu looked slightly confused. "What about students who don't owe you anything, boss?"
Nabiki smiled coldly. "Tell _them_ that if they hold out on me, they'll end up owing me anyway."
All three girls nodded and started away immediately. If Nabiki wanted this, they'd deliver.
* * *
Gosunkugi had come, belatedly, to a realization. He was an idiot. He'd put his foot so deeply in his mouth, he was suffering from athlete's stomach. He tried to trace just exactly what event had brought this fact to his attention.
Leaping into the cursed spring? No. Taking up voodoo? Nope. Taking pictures of Akane without her knowing? Uh-uh. Pissing off Ranma Saotome on occasion? Nah. Allowing his mother to discover his curse?
Yep. That was it.
He was currently seated on a cushion, and his mother was brushing his long blond hair in an attempt to give it "..a proper windblown look, Hi-chan. All the heroes have it! You'll see!"
And the clothing was worse. It had taken her less than an hour to find a set of what she considered 'proper heroic clothing', and arrange to have it delivered. Gos was now wearing a pair of tan leather trousers held up by a belt of crude rope, and a sandy-colored sleeveless tunic. The matching leather and metal bracers on his forearms only heightened the effect.
Yup, thought Gos. I look like what I am. An idiot.
His father returned from the front door, a package in his arms. "Oichi, love, there's another delivery for you."
"Yes!" his mother squealed. "The tuxedo is here! Oh, Hi-chan will look SO handsome." Her forehead wrinkled for a moment. "I wonder how difficult it would be to obtain a Walther PPK. Hikaru will need one to complete the look."
Her husband and son both sweatdropped. "That-- might be a little hard to do in Japan, Dearest," said Takuji. "Guns _are_ illegal here."
"We can't let a little thing like the law stand in the way of our son's heroism," declared Oichi. She took the tux from the box, placing it on a clothing stand and admiring the effect of the light playing on the silk of its lapels. "We'll just have to call the Emperor and have the law changed for our son."
"I don't think it will be quite that easy, Dear-"
Oichi whirled and cut him off. "Our son is a hero now, and he's going to REMAIN a hero! I don't care WHAT I have to do, I will SEE to that!"
Takuji backed away slowly, and was struck by the sudden thought that the way he felt at the moment was probably a lot like what his occasional drinking buddy Genma felt when Nodoka was in the vicinity with that damned sword of hers.
Mother was right, he thought. I _should_ have married that nice nisei girl from San Francisco, but noooo, I wouldn't listen.
He gave his son a helpless look and carefully retreated to the front door. There was a nice bar only a few blocks away, and there was still plenty of time to drink himself unconscious before things got totally out of control.
* * *
Elsewhere in Nerima, Saotome Genma sneezed onto and all over the shoji board, earning a look of disgust from his long-time partner-in-crime, Tendou Soun.
"I just had the ODDEST feeling, Tendou." Genma honked loud and long into the sleeve of his gi.
"Saotome-kun," Soun sniffed, "you're a disgusting little toad, I hope you know."
Genma blink-blinked. "What's your point, Tendou?"
* * *
Gos glared in impotent rage at his cowardly father, then shuddered as his mother opened another package. From this one emerged a leather jacket, a pair of jeans, a old-style fedora and a bullwhip.
"Oh, MY! They got my order just right!" Oichi sighed happily. "They look JUST like those in the movie."
Gos buried his face in his hands. Perhaps if he begged VERY hard, he could get Ranma to beat him to death?
* * *
Maiku was fascinated by the information he'd been given by the Amazon matriarch. And a little repulsed. Nerima was even more insane than the newspapers gave it credit for.
He sat in the coffee bar, thinking over his next move. He wasn't fool enough to trust the Elder blindly, but if this Tendo girl, this Nabiki, was as sharp as Cologne seemed to think, then she'd present difficulties in the days ahead.
Not that a child could obstruct him for long, but it wasn't as if he could just brush her aside. He considered the situation for at least two more cups of coffee and another doughnut, then it came to him.
What would Mike Hammer do in a situation like this? frowned Maiku thoughtfully. He rubbed his chin as he pondered. Mike would treat Nabiki the way he'd treat any other PI, he thought. As an honorable opponent, with respect for her skills and abilities.
He paid for the coffee and headed for his Plymouth, then an odd thought struck him.
A great many private eyes eventually ended up with kid sidekicks, mentoring them along the rocky road of the detective business. Was it possible...?
Nah.
* * *
Lilac was beginning to think that, aside from a few rare exceptions like Seamus, the entire male portion of the human race suffered from extreme brain damage caused by testosterone poisoning. The Japanese real estate agent she was currently _trying_ to speak with was treating her as a) a woman, and b) a gaijin, and worse yet, c) a CHINESE gaijin. In fact, the annoying little man kept turning to Seamus and making snide wisecracks about men who let their women tell them what to do.
To her surprise, Seamus appeared to be holding his temper in far better check than she was. Then, he leaned over and whispered in her ear.
<"Do you want to kill him, or would you rather I do it? A Healer really shouldn't get her hands dirty.">
Lilac tried to keep from smirking. <"Your late wife taught you that it's the male's duty to handle the disposing of piles of horse manure, I see.">
<"Well, that, and I'm getting rather tired of his little smirks about America being the SECOND most technologically advanced country in the world.">
Lilac laughed, surprising the agent. <"No, this one's on me, Seamus."> Her staff whipped out, faster than the human eye could perceive, stabbing at a certain spot on the agent's foot. The young man yelped in pain.
"In case you're interested, boy, that shiatsu point I just poked is going to leave you incapable of telling ANY untruth at all until it wears off. Which will take several months."
A look of horror entered the agent's eyes. "I.. you.. but.. " He clapped both hands over his mouth and stared at the short Amazon.
"Don't stutter, child, it makes you look most foolish. Now, would you like to stop cheating us and sell us a building in Nerima? Or would you like me to walk out of here, leaving you with a nasty case of compulsive honesty? I figure you'll be out of business in a week, and totally unwelcome in Japan within two."
The young man gabbled for a few moments in shock, then made a desperate grab for his coat. "This way this way I have something for you it's reasonably priced and centrally located near the Nerima ginza it's just what you need you should like it no need to pay me for the service just CURE ME PLEASE!!"
"And _that_, Seamus, is how you handle real estate agents. Also works on lawyers, used car salesmen, and some politicians," chuckled Lilac.
"Only some?"
She shrugged. "This shiatsu point only affects those who are capable of telling the difference between fact and fantasy. It has no effect on pathological liars."
"Pity, that."
"Can we GO NOW?! I have other people I want to cheat!" exclaimed the real estate agent, who then gasped and shoved his fist into his mouth.
"It's very entertaining," smiled McGyver. "You'll have to teach me that one someday."
* * *
A cell-phone rang in the Springfield Maximum Security Correctional Facility for Men. (Appropriate, no?)
Bob Terwilliger reached down from his upper bunk to answer it. "Hello, this is Robert Terwilliger, whom do I have the pleasure of addressing?"
"Moshi, moshi, Saidushou-san wa irrashaimasuka?"
Bob blinked, and checked the phone he was using. Yes, it _was_ the unlisted special number. Who could possibly be calling him from Japan?
<"Ah, yes, this IS Sideshow Bob. Please speak slowly. I don't understand Japanese very well, madam.">
<"Ah. Pardon me, Sideshow-san. I understand you run Villains R Us, a business that finds jobs for unemployed master villains and super villains?">
<"That is correct, madam. You're in the market for a good used villain then?">
<"Yes, I am. My son has just become a new hero, and I wish to find him an arch-enemy as soon as it is possible.">
Bob blinked. Then scratched his head. <"Excuse me? You wish to hire a villain to be your son's _enemy_?">
<"Yes. Is that a problem, Sideshow-san? I can pay extra, if it is.">
<"Ahh.. not really ma'am. As long as you can afford our prices, we can deliver. And we have villains in every price range. Would you like me to fax you a price list?">
<"Yes, please! Do you have a budget listing? Or perhaps some villain just starting out? My son is just getting started himself, and I really wouldn't want him to over-reach himself with his first arch-rival.">
Bob was lying on his bunk, and he was an American. Therefore, face-faulting wasn't possible. He did, however, sweatdrop rather severely. Then he swung his legs down from the bunk and dropped to the floor. Stepping over his brother to a small filing cabinet, he pulled out a folder.
Running his finger down to the bottom of the list, he grimaced. <"There aren't many, ma'am, but there are a few. Can you afford at least $5000 a year?">
<"Yes, that would fit in the household budget nicely. Is one available?">
<"Ahhh.. yesssss.. there's one available."> Technically, Bob wasn't lying. There was one available. Just one. <"I'll fax you his resume and selected career highlights along with the rest of the price list, if you like.">
<"Thank you, Sideshow-san! I am most grateful for such swift and convenient service!">
Terwilliger bit his lip _hard_, and converted the almost hysterical laughter that wanted to emerge into a business-like cough. <"Right away then, ma'am. And it's been a pleasure serving you.">
He waited till the woman had given him her fax number and hung up. Then he sent the price list she'd requested, as well as the resume and the (somewhat edited) career overview of the 'villain' in question. Once this was done, he phoned to explain the situation and advise his client that there might be a job available for him if he was willing to relocate to Japan.
He thought about sleep, but made one last phone call before returning to his bed. Out of courtesy, mostly. That, and he REALLY wanted to be on this person's good side.
* * *
Somewhere in Metropolis, New York, a thin bald man with green eyes was bouncing happily on his mattress.
"I gotta job! I gotta job! I gotta job!"
A fist pounded fiercely on the wall of his cheap apartment. "Dammit, Irwin, it's two friggin' am in the morning! SHUT THE F*** UP AND GO BACK TO SLEEP!"
* * *
Elsewhere in Metropolis...
Joe Gunn had been a janitor for nearly 40 years, most of it on the midnight to six am graveyard shift. In all that time, he'd had one employer. The biggest and best newspaper in town. He was proud of that.
He'd seen it all. From the fear and terror that gripped people during the depths of the Cuban missile crisis, to the joy and awe of the first lunar landing and the first space shuttle launch.
It took a LOT to surprise Joe.
Which is why he didn't even blink an eye when he exited the elevator only to see the best reporter the Daily Planet ever had dancing wildly on the top of his desk and singing "CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES, COME ON!!" at the top of his voice with joyous abandon.
He just went about his job cleaning the floor and emptying waste baskets.
"Heh. That Mr. Kent. Whatta wild man."
* * *
In a small hotel on the largest of the Falkland Islands (actually, it was the ONLY hotel), two tourists from Tibet were up late, playing whist with a deck of tarot cards, when they got a phone call from New York.
"Hello? Oh, good evening, Stephen. How's Wong?"
"Really? Please tell me you're kidding."
"You're not. Thank you for the warning, Stephen."
The elder monk turned to his student. "We're going to be staying here a little longer, lad. And PLEASE don't ask me why. I don't want to think about it. We're going to stay as far away from Japan as we can." He looked at his hand of cards, and threw them down in disgust. "It looks like it's going to be one of THOSE years again."
* * *
Lilac and Seamus stood in front of the smallish building that the real estate agent was anxiously
presenting to them.
<"Think you can do something with it, Seamus?">
<"No problem, Lilac. As long as I can get the materials, there's nothing that I can't do."> He struck an overly-dramatic sentai-like pose. <"NOTHING CAN STAND BEFORE THE AWESOME MIGHT OF A MASTER OF THE IMPROVISATIONAL COMBAT ENGINEERING SCHOOL OF MARTIAL ARTS, McGYVER-RYUU!">
Lilac broke up laughing. <"Okay, Stud-boy. Let's get started before you give yourself a hernia. You're not as young as you used to be.">
Seamus gave her a sheepish grin. <"But it sure felt good to do that one more time, Lil. It's been a LOOONG time since the Flying Tigers.">
<"I suppose so. Let's pay Mr. 'I Can't Tell A Lie' here, and sign the papers. We're going into business!">
Chapter 5
Irwin Schwab had trouble dealing with linear logic.
At least, that was the polite way of saying it. A somewhat more blunt person would describe Irwin as a candidate for permanent sedation and confinement.
Then again, Irwin himself went around telling people that he'd been raised by a television set.
Not that his parents had used one to babysit him, mind you. That his parent _WAS_ a television set. If anything, that sort of defines just how far out Mister Schwab's mind was.
Anyway...
Irwin was happy. It had been MONTHS since the last time he'd had a chance to be a sidekick to the Man of Steel. (Kal-El had thought of him as something other than a sidekick, but the words the Last Son of Krypton had _wanted_ to use were, for the most part, the sort that would have caused Mrs. Kent to wash his mouth out with soap.)
Now that WONDERFUL person, Sideshow Bob, had found him another hero he could be a sidekick to! Oh, Glorious DAY!
He started to pack a small suitcase, then stopped. If he could teleport to Japan (and he could), then he could teleport BACK just as easily. Hey, Japan could be a daily _commute_! PERFECT! He didn't even have to move out of his apartment!
There was a soft *pop* of displaced air, and Irwin Schwab vanished. About thirty minutes later, in a similar *pop*, he re-appeared, a confused look on his face.
"What's a passport?"
* * *
The ancient and honorable job of sidewalk superintendent is pretty much a universal one, known to all mankind. The urge to stop and stare at a building being constructed, demolished, or renovated rests deep within the breast of every human on earth.
The Japanese are simply more POLITE about it than most.
However, the building being renovated on Nerima's Ginza was different. Even for Nerima.
"Martial Arts Construction, you think?"
"Don't be silly. There's no such thing."
"You practice Tea Ceremony martial arts.."
"That's.. well, that's different."
"I don't know what it is, but he's pretty good with those shuriken."
"I think those are nails."
"I've heard of breaking bricks with your bare hands, but welding them back _together_?"
"Do you think he'd take students?"
"Are you thinking of signing up?"
"Couldn't hurt."
A young man in a leather jacket cruised by on a cheap motorcycle, then returned for a closer look.
"Hey, there, ya old man! What are you, some kinda fool? Think you can rebuild that old place all by yoursel.. *Urk*"
A few bystanders blinked. One whistled softly.
"Wow. I've _heard_ gaijin say 'stick a brick in it', but I never thought I'd ever actually see.."
"Yeah. He even used mortar. That's got to hurt."
"Shouldn't someone call him a doctor?"
"Or a dentist?"
"I dunno. Don't you think calling a bricklayer would be more appropriate?"
* * *
Seamus grinned and wiped the sweat from his brow, staring at the repairs he'd just finished. Lilac came outside and joined him.
"Not bad for an old man, eh, Lilac?"
"Old man my ass, Seamus. You're younger than I am."
The American laughed. "That's not saying much, given that we're both older than dirt."
Lilac gave him a nasty look, then burst out laughing herself. "True enough." She waved a cell-phone at him. "The public utilities people will be here shortly to get the gas, power and water turned on. You ready for them?"
"Was there ever any doubt?" smirked Seamus.
"Only as to the size of your ego, old man," giggled Lilac.
"That reminds me. Where are the kids?"
"I sent Rin and Ran over to the Cat Cafe. I've got a feeling that the girls the Council and I sent after that boy will likely show up there, sooner or later. When they do, I want them here."
Seamus raised an eyebrow. "Do I want to know? More important, do I _need_ to know?"
Lilac frowned slightly. "It's bad enough with three young Amazons running around Nerima, even with Cologne and I keeping them under our thumbs, so to speak. A dozen more, with no Elder to ride herd on them? Think it through for yourself, Seamus."
"Nope. No way. I still remember what happened when that husband hunting party of yours ran into the Flying Tigers. Wasn't pretty." Seamus shook his head. "The sooner you get them under control, the better. In fact, now that you mention it, I have this sinking feeling that trouble's going to be following them to our doorstep."
"So what else is new?" snorted the Amazon Elder. "And I'll be needing your help controlling them."
"Won't there be a little problem with my gender, old friend?"
"First girl that mouths off to you, male or not, I expect you to tie them into a bow knot and play 'just how high into the sky can I kick you?' with them, Seamus. You're a Master of your school, and just as much entitled to respect as I or Cologne are."
"With us, that's not a whole hell of a lot, you know."
She frowned at him, then continued on. "If these kids don't learn that the world doesn't begin and end with the laws of our village, they won't last very long in Japan."
Seamus nodded. "This is going to make a lovely mess."
"And you wouldn't have it any other way."
"Awwww, you noticed. I'm touched."
* * *
*thud*
*thud*
*thud*
Maiku Kanazuchi was busy destroying a small concrete pillar covered with advertising posters. In traditional Neriman style, he was doing so by beating the pillar to death with his forehead.
I hate my life, he thought. Why did I EVER take this stupid case?
The sight of a flying minotaur overhead had startled Maiku. What he found even more unsettling was the fact that no one on the street seemed even slightly surprised. Even the officer in the local police box did nothing more than check his wrist watch and mutter something about pantyhose and "...he's early this month."
Maiku paused in his self-abuse and started across the street to ask the officer just what the HELL was going on. Hopefully, he might even get some information that might help him with his case.
That's when the stampede of women screaming for Happosai's blood (and various body parts) ran over him in the middle of the crosswalk.
"I think I'll just lie here and bleed for a while," he mumbled. Fortunately, the officer in the nearby police box pulled him to safety and called a doctor.
It was while Doctor Tofu (Tofu? wondered Maiku.) was bandaging him that he was treated to a brief lecture on magical curses, Jyusenkyo waters (both varieties, Instant and Permanent), chi-blasts, and a variety of other oddities that had been but briefly touched upon by both the newspapers and Cologne.
"What kind of insanity IS this?" gritted the detective as Tofu applied salve to a deep puncture wound in his calf.
"Off hand, from the looks of the wound, I'd say it was a stiletto heel with a steel cap and pink patent leather.. oh. You mean Furinkan?"
"OF COURSE I MEAN FURINKAN!"
"You needn't shout," replied Tofu in his calmest bedside manner.
"I'M NOT.. shouting. Oh." Maiku bit his lip and tried to regain his temper. "So, you're saying that _all_ of Nerima is basically just as insane as Tomobiki?"
Tofu rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Well, I can't speak for the rest of Nerima, and we don't have Oni princesses visiting Furinkan on a regular basis, but we do have vengeance-crazed martial artists arriving all the time, and the occasional prince from a Chinese/ Indian/Tibetan/Nepalese/minor-kingdom-that-you've-never-even-heard-of does show up every other month or so. Usually to marry or kill someone. Often both at once. Occasionally, they even want to marry AND kill the same person."
"Excuse me?" blinked Maiku.
"Jyusenkyo curses," said Tofu sagely.
"Ahhh..." Then Maiku's shoulders slumped. "I never EVER should have taken this case."
"Case?" asked Tofu.
Maiku shook his head. "Professional courtesy, Doc. You don't blab about your patients, I don't blab about my clients. You know?"
It was Tofu's turn to nod. "In that case, Kanazuchi-san, I believe I have something you need." He turned to a glass-fronted cabinet and removed a large canister. Measuring out some of the contents, he poured them into a small paper sack which he handed to Maiku. "Two spoonfuls to a cup of hot water. Let it steep for at least two minutes. Have one cup in the morning, and one in the evening."
Maiku stared at the bag. "What is it?"
"The official morning drink of the people of Nerima. Trust me, it works wonders. Just don't drink more than two cups a day, and heed the warning label. Don't attempt to fly under your own power or try to outrun a locomotive. Trying to outrun streetcars is silly, but safe."
Maiku took the bag gingerly, noting the label on the canister it had come from. "Packaged in Nerima. You know, that really explains a lot."
Tofu smiled. "Yes, it does, doesn't it."
* * *
Gosunkugi took a deep breath and prepared himself for desperate combat. The UPS driver had just arrived with a package.
"Oh Hi-chan!" caroled his mother. She held a small box wrapped in brown paper in her hands. The battle was joined.
"Mother.. PLEASE! No more!"
Oichi's eyes narrowed, and she went straight for the big guns.
"WAAAAAAHHHHHH! My son doesn't love me any more! WAHHHHHHH!"
Hikaru immediately began to crumble under the assault. "I'm SORRY! I'm SORRY! I'll wear it!"
The tears vanished almost magically, and his mother held the box out to him. "I'm certain you'll love it, Hi-chan! It's MOST heroic-looking."
Having seen an ad for a certain imported movie circled in yesterday's paper, Gos immediately suspected what was in the box. When he opened it, he wasn't disappointed.
"Momma, it's against the LAW to own a leopard skin. It's an endangered species!"
Oichi smiled seraphically. "I thought of that. It's faux fur! Now, go put it on. I want to see how HANDSOME you look in it, Hi-chan!"
Grumbling, Gos headed for his bedroom, cursing the names of Edgar Rice Burroughs, Walt Disney, all animated movies, Africa in general, and idiotic gaijin who got lost in the jungle and raised by apes in particular.
Behind him, his mother was hugging herself, visions of her son single-handedly rescuing thousands of people filling her mind. (And, of course, visions of all those people worshipping HER for having had the courage and skill to bring such a hero into the world.)
Gos re-emerged from his bedroom wearing the fake leopard-skin loincloth, his body one giant rose-red blush. "Momma, I look like George of the Jungle!"
Gos then froze in horror as his mother's face was swept with a thoughtful look.
"Elephants.. where can I find trained elephants?"
Definitely time to get Ranma to kill me, thought Gos.
* * *
"His name is Kanazuchi Maiku, boss," said Choji. "He's a standard private investigator. Does the usual.. Checks people for burakumin ancestry, handles the rare divorce cases, and does a little business snooping for corporations when they don't want to use their own people."
Nabiki nodded. "Anything UNusual about him that might be useful?"
Choji scratched her head. "Well.. he does have ONE eccentricity, but.." She shrugged, seemingly at a loss for words.
"Well? What is it?" asked Nabiki impatiently.
"I think he thinks he's an _American_ detective. Or wants to be one."
Now it was _Nabiki's_ turn to be at a loss for words. "What?"
"He's got this fetish, boss. He's got posters, books, and all sorts of stuff from all the great American private eyes from the '30's, '40's and '50's. Guys like.." Choji pulled a pad from her pocket. "..Sam Spade and Phillip Marlowe," she continued, stumbling over the Western names. "And the guy he seems to worship, Mike Hammer."
Nabiki smirked, noting the similarity in the names. This might be useful. She turned to Atsuko. "Any results?"
The smaller girl handed over a photograph. "Here's the person he's looking for, boss. No name yet; Kanazuchi-san doesn't seem to know who it is either. But oooooh, he's handsome for a gaijin."
Nabiki raised an eyebrow at the hearts in Atsuko's eyes, then she looked at the photo.
"Boss? Boss?"
Shaking herself, Nabiki looked away from the photograph of the mysterious foreigner. "And HE'S supposed to be hard to find? Why isn't Kanazuchi-san just following the trail of love-starved girls that has to be following this one?"
"I don't know, boss."
"Find out. We're going to find him first. Got that?"
"Hai, boss."
Nabiki beckoned to Masakazu. "Report."
"Everyone in school's got the word, boss. Talk to you first, or else. Except Kuno. I thought you'd want to handle him yourself."
"You thought right. Trying to get an idea into his head is an exercise in frustration. Good work, Masakazu. Keep your eyes and ears open, and make certain no one forgets." Nabiki tapped a finger on the picture. "I want to know what's going on, and I want to know _first_."
Masakazu coughed quietly. "Boss?"
"Yes?"
"I thought you'd want to know. There are more Amazons in town."
Nabiki's gaze sharpened. "Who and where?"
"A new place on the Ginza. Another Amazon elder, and some Amerikajin. They're opening some sort of shop. That's all I've found out yet."
"Find out more. Now. I don't need more Amazons interfering in Ranma's life until I can arrange to profit from it."
"Hai!" said all three girls.
"Good. Get going."
As the three assistants left, Nabiki gazed thoughtfully at the picture, wondering. Was this the start of another of Ranma's ridiculous adventures? She hoped not. She needed money, not another round of Saotome-induced chaos. At least, not until _after_ she was positioned to take proper advantage of it.
* * *
Kevin Sorbo smiled as he drove up the California coast to Monterey. "Hercules: The Legendary Journeys" had ended filming some time ago, but it was still strong in the re-runs and the residual payments would keep him in the financial black for the foreseeable future.
This meant that he didn't have to work if he didn't want to. So for the moment, he intended to simply enjoy life. He relaxed as the miles rolled by. It was a BEAUTIFUL day.
That's when his car phone buzzed.
"Kevin Sorbo speaking."
"No, I'm not interested."
"I _said_ I'm not interested. I might make another guest appearance or two if Lucy asks me, but aside from that, I'm on vacation for the next two, three years."
"No, going to Japan doesn't change my mind. And if Alan needs help, YOU help him. I'm on VACATION. What part of that don't you understand?"
Kevin stared at the handset, a desperate babbling still pouring from it, then hung up in frustration. Some people in Hollywood simply could NOT take a hint unless you used a battle-axe to drive it home.
"Funny you should think of it that way, big bro, especially as you haven't swung one in a few centuries." A chiming laugh swirled around his ears as a brilliant spark of light drifted down into the passenger seat of the Mercedes convertible. It dissolved into a shower of stardust, forming the outline of a female figure. A VERY female figure.
"Sis! What are you doing here?"
The woman giggled. "Can't I just get the urge to see my big brother once in a while?"
"Unlikely, Aphrodite. You only show up when you need something, or when you're bored."
The Goddess of Love pouted. "Awww.. you only say that 'cause it's true."
The expression on Kevin's face changed, and with that change, Kevin Sorbo, Hollywood star, vanished. Hercules, the hero of ancient Greece, son of Zeus, and half-human brother to a pantheon of spoiled Olympian deities, had returned.
"Okay, sis. Spill it. What sort of trouble are you in now?"
* * *
Hercules shook his head. "And I thought MY love life was a mess. FOUR fiancees?"
"Well, only three, really. The fourth girl isn't.. well.."
"Isn't what?"
"She isn't, like, all that *there*, you know? She's loony toons. You know, like that nut with the sword who was always bothering that Amazon friend of yours? The crazy who stole some of our ambrosia?"
Hercules flinched ever so slightly at the mention of Xena's ancient (and quite insane) enemy, Callisto. His sister, goddess or not, wasn't exactly the brightest chip off of Zeus' godly loins. If _she_ thought this Kodachi girl was unstable.. he set the mental comparison aside and shrugged.
"So what's this got to do with me, Sis?"
Aphrodite suddenly looked nervous. "Well, Japan isn't strictly our pantheon, but I dropped by to take a look at this Ranma kid all the gods and goddesses of love were gossiping about, and who should I run into, but.."
Hercules sighed, resisting the urge to stop the car and run screaming into the ocean. "Athena? Again? How?"
"There's still a tribe of Amazons left, big bro.. in China. One of the girls involved with the kid is a Chinese Amazon, and when Athena found out she was still worshiped there, she went a little spare, you know? Headed down there right away."
"And you bumped into her."
"I bumped into her owl."
"You KNOW how much she loves Bubo."
"It wasn't my FAULT, okay? I didn't MEAN to pour hot tar all over the feathery little bastard, honest! Just because it keeps crapping in my boudoir doesn't mean I'm, like, trying to kill it or anything.."
In tones of patience rapidly being exhausted: "SIS..."
"OKAY, okay, maybe I tried a little something. But now there's a problem that Zeus said *I* have to help fix, and I can't DO that with Athena all pissed at me." She batted her eyes at him. "PLEEEEEASE, big brother? Help me?"
"I _know_ I'm going to regret this."
"Oh, THANK you thank you thank you thank you big brother!" She threw her arms around him, causing the convertible to almost jump the curb. "I promise, I'll never forget this!"
"I know *I* won't," sighed Hercules.
* * *
"What do you mean, I have to take off my costume for my passport photo?"
"Sir, you can't wear a MASK for this; the passport has to show your face."
"This IS my face."
A long sigh. "Sir, I sincerely doubt that your face is bright lime green and nose-less with two long antenna protruding from your forehead."
"But you don't KNOW that..."
The government official wanted to beat his head on his desk. He wasn't aware that this was a common reaction for everyone who had to deal with Irwin Schwab, alias Ambush Bug.
* * *
Mousse was worried. In fact, he was feeling downright terrified. Rin and Ran had just left the Cat Cafe, having told the old ghoul that Elder Healer Lilac wanted her to send the manhunting party over to the new business on the Ginza.
Manhunting parties didn't normally frighten him. After all, most every female in the village over the age of puberty knew of his unswerving, unwavering devotion and loyalty to his goddess, Shampoo.
Not that they thought of it quite that way. THEY considered him a total loser and a royal pain in the ass, as most of them had been glomped more than once by the near-blind master of the Hidden Weapons School when he mistook them for Shampoo. They were merely grateful that if the loony HAD to obsess on someone, thank Artemis and Athena it wasn't _them_.
But there was ONE little exception.
Mace.
Mousse shuddered at the mere mention of the name.
In a matriarchy of the Amazon sort, it wasn't at all surprising that some of the women would be (or chose) lesbian lovers. This was neither encouraged nor frowned upon. But every female capable of bearing a child was expected to do so, to strengthen the village.
Of course, barring the use of magic, this obviously required a... donation, so to speak. From a male.
Mace had decided that HER personal sperm bank was going to be Mousse. Mousse, of course, would not be allowed to have anything to say about it.
It didn't help any that she'd already bragged to some of her friends in the village that she'd have Mousse in a French maid's costume and serving her as a maid should in less than a week, once she caught him. She'd gone into great detail on just _how_ she'd train Mousse, too. Implements were involved. And Mousse had heard this.
At the moment, Mousse was giving sincere thought to taking a long vacation. And NOT leaving any forwarding address.
<"There has to be SOMEWHERE I can hide. There MUST be somewhere. I just have to find it,"> he sweated. Then he snapped his fingers.
The spooky boy, he thought. They might look for me at Ranma's, they might look for me at Kuno's. They might even check the Ucchan's. But NO ONE ever pays any attention to that kid with the voodoo dolls. I'll just offer to teach him some sleight of hand, maybe a _small_ trick or two from the Hidden Weapons school, tell him it's true magic, and he'll be so grateful, he'll let me hide out at his place for as long as I might need!
* * *
Meanwhile, in deepest, darkest Tibet..
"Mistress, the Sacred One has returned to us!"
"You are certain of this, Xu?"
"Yes, Mistress, I witnessed it myself! And I questioned the Jyusenkyo Guide personally."
"Excellent! We must-"
"Mistress? There is a problem."
"What now?"
"Ahh.. weodagudsumtaps"
"What was that? Speak CLEARLY, Xu!"
"Ahh.. we owe the Guide. Three more Creamy Lemon tapes. The price for answering our questions."
There was a long, deep sigh. "Take some money from petty cash, and go down to the village and order some. Use FedEx. They're more reliable than UPS."
"Right away, Mistress!"
The figure on the throne clapped her hands, and a dozen women appeared.
"Our Sacred One walks the mortal world once again, in the form of a man. We must recover him and return him to the Shrine where he will be safe and secure."
"And where we can boff him til it falls off!" whispered one.
"WHO SAID THAT?"
Eleven women took one large step back, leaving a lone figure exposed.
"I should have known. Cold showers for a month, Li."
Li bowed. "Yes, Mistress." When she stood and rejoined her sisters, she hissed "I'm gonna get you all for that."
"You can try," whispered another.
The figure on the throne glared down at them all. "Silence! I want a strike team assembled by morning, ready to rescue the Sacred One from the outside world. Take our best warriors. And a few of the bimbos. Just in case. We might need some expendable shock troops. Be ready at dawn."
* * *
In Tomobiki, Japan..
"Most ominous," pronounced Cherry.
"Forget ominous, I'm gone!" Sakura began throwing clothing into a suitcase with a speed that rivaled that of the legendary Chestnut Fist attack. "When I get a fire reading that looks like THAT, and a menacing voice straight out of 'Ghostbusters' telling me that 'you are SO screwed', then it's time for a VACATION!"
"Where are you going?"
"To the airport. I hear the Falkland Islands are nice this time of year."
"Most ominous," repeated Cherry. "Personally, I like Wales. Lots of hiding places in Wales."
"Whatever. You've got five minutes to pack, starting now. After that, I'm leaving you behind, old man."
The diminutive priest had his Gladstone bag packed in three.
* * *
Greenwich Village, Manhattan, New York City...
Dr. Stephen Strange was on the phone to the town of Stanley, in the Falkland Islands.
"Yes? I see. No, don't worry. I'll trade some favors, and cover for you."
"Oh, it's perfectly understandable. Even the spirit of the Ancient One has left. He doesn't want to be ANYWHERE in the area when it hits the fan, old friend."
"Right. I've arranged a line of credit at the hotel. You'll be able to stay as long as you need to."
Stephen hung up and sighed.
"Wong?"
"Yes, Master?"
"Check the shielding again, and made certain NO women get inside without passing through the spell on the front door first."
"It's them again, Master?"
"Just check the shielding, Wong."
"Yes, Master."
* * *
Back in Nerima, Japan...
Dowel and her team of intrepid husband hunters had finally reached Nerima. Once there, it took them only twenty-four hours to find the Cat Cafe. (Upon mature reflection, Dowel decided it had been an error to ask for directions from the boy with the spotted bandanna and large backpack.)
Rin and Ran had met them there, taking them directly to the new building that Elder Lilac had purchased. But it was less the opportunity for warm baths and soft beds than it was the chance to lay down the responsibility for the team that made Dowel sigh with relief. She had only one regret. Now that she was no longer in charge, she couldn't justify choking that little bitch Tao by the throat with both hands until Tao's eyes popped from her skull.
Still, that would have been a momentary pleasure at best, and difficult to explain away to the Council of Elders later on.
She eased a little deeper into the furo, feeling the aches and pains of the past few weeks gradually
seeping away. Hardship might be the way to build an Amazon, but Mace did have a point. Hot baths WERE a gift from the gods.
Sugar, Spice, Cinnamon and Cardamom entered the bath, stripped and joined her in the furo.
"Where's Tao?" asked Dowel.
"Where else?" snorted Sugar. The younger Amazon jerked a thumb in the direction of the small yard behind the building, from which a sudden screech exploded. Tao's scream of outrage rapidly dopplered into silence.
Dowel tried to avoid laughing so hard that she'd drown. That just wasn't the way a proper Amazon should die. But she did recall what had happened when they'd arrived here at Elder Lilac's place, and smiled.
They'd been lined up in front of the Healer, as she gave them the "Facts of Life in Japan", as Lilac had put it...
* * *
"First of all, this is Japan. We're the foreigners here. We screw up, and the Japanese will treat us the way _we'd_ treat them back home. Got that?"
"BUT--" Tao burst out.
Lilac thumped her staff on the floor, causing the entire building to shudder slightly. "But me no buts, child. I do NOT intend to be escorted out of Japan in disgrace by their police, merely because YOU can't hold your temper. You WILL walk softly. I expect you to stay proud and uphold your Amazon heritage, but don't be stupid."
Lilac then pointed her cane at the American standing a short distance behind her. "This is Master Seamus McGyver. He's a Grandmaster of his School, and a personal friend of mine. He can also tie any of you up into knots with both hands and his brains tied behind his back. While he's still asleep. He's here at my request to help me, and you'll treat him with the same respect you'd give ANY Elder, female or male. If not, I've given him special permission to make examples of you without having to worry about the Kiss of Marriage." She grinned in an especially frightening way. "Care to try him?"
"Cologne wouldn't do things this way," muttered Tao sullenly.
Lilac's cane came down with a snap, stopping bare millimeters from Tao's nose. "I am NOT Cologne, child, and this is NOT the Cat Cafe."
"Gently, Lil," said Seamus. "If the youngster wants to know why I rate special treatment, let's show her. After all, 'Deeds, Not Words'."
Lilac raised an eyebrow. "Been a while since I heard _that_ motto. You sure about this?"
"Always," grinned the old man.
The Healer nodded, and waved the younger Amazons into a circle. "Let this challenge of Tao versus McGyver begin."
Tao snarled, leaping forward with both short swords drawn. He's just a weak old male, she thought. This won't take long.
Dowel would remember what she saw then to her dying day. Seamus (from then on to be _Elder_ Seamus in her thoughts, always) had _blurred_. That was the only word to describe it. Tao's swords had been gently yet firmly PLUCKED from her grasp, and the old man's hands had become near invisible as they began doing -something- to the blades.
A moment later, Tao was standing there, her wrists and ankles shackled together with crude iron bands, bands that HAD been her swords. Seamus had sealed them shut with simple rivets, SQUEEZING them into place with nothing more than thumb and forefinger.
"Have a nice trip, child. Thank you for flying Air McGyver." With that, Seamus smiled, took a firm stance, and _kicked_. Tao went sailing over the building in the general direction of the canal that ran through Nerima.
Lilac, grinning, looked back at the remaining members of the husband hunting team, who all had shocked expressions on their faces. "Any questions?"
To Seamus' surprise (and Lilac's amusement) Sugar stuck up her hand, followed rapidly by Spice.
"Yes? What is it?"
"Master Seamus, do you have any male grandchildren our age?"
Lilac took one look at the expression on Seamus' face and fell off her staff laughing.
* * *
Elder Lilac had then explained how she expected every one of them to behave, both when working for her, and during their private time. Dowel had nodded along with the others. When a wet, dripping, and thoroughly infuriated Tao had returned, Dowel had even thoughtfully handed the soaked Amazon a dry towel, refraining from any conflict.
The BAD news had come later, when Master McGyver explained about his 'student'.
For Amazons who'd been raised on tales of the Demon Panty Thief, Norton South wasn't that big of a shock. Or, for that matter, that much of an annoyance. The little pervert would try to date them, try to fondle them, try to peep on them, everything but steal their panties. (He hadn't sunk THAT low. Yet.)
What bothered them was the fact that they weren't allowed to kill the little lech. So they'd set aside all of their edged weapons and stuck strictly to blunt ones and unarmed combat. Fortunately, Norton's studies of the McGyver-Ryuu weren't far advanced.
UNfortunately, his lechery and ability to take a thrashing were. They beat the degenerate several times a day and he kept coming back for more. Sugar and Spice thought that he HAD to be related to Mousse, somehow. Cardamom felt he must have been trained in the Breaking Point.
Just then, a loud clatter outside the bathroom door caught their attention. Cinnamon climbed dripping from the bath and opened the door a crack, peering out.
"It's him again," she swore. "The ropes worked though." She shut and locked the door, returning to the furo.
Outside in the hallway, Lilac passed by on her way to her room. She heard a muffled, struggling sort of sound above her head and looked up.
Dangling from the ceiling in a web of cordage was Norton, face red as he wriggled like a fly trapped by some immense spider.
"Amazing," laughed Lilac. "A booby-trap that actually catches boobies. I'll have to commend the girls on that one. It shows ingenuity." She rapped sharply on the bathroom door with the head of her staff. "Don't forget to cut the pervert down when you finish bathing. I don't want him cluttering up the ceiling." Then she continued on to her room.
* * *
Lilac blinked as there came a gentle tapping on her door.
"We got out first job, Lil," Seamus said. "Bathhouse downtown was just trashed by a mob of angry women. Care to guess why it was wrecked?"
"No guess," grumbled the Healer. "Cologne already informed the Council that Happosai was seen in Nerima from time to time. I suppose it's too much to hope that they managed to beat the living snot out of him?"
"No such luck this time. If you'll get the girls, I'll see to the supplies. We should have the bathhouse up and running again in less than a day."
"Right. Meet you downstairs."
Five minutes later, Lilac was giving last minute instructions to the Amazon girls and Seamus was informing the owner of a lumberyard that if they couldn't guarantee deliveries time-on-target, then Seamus couldn't guarantee that the owner's little 'hobby' wouldn't show up in the Tokyo papers the next day.
Seamus snapped the phone shut. "That was fun. Haven't bullied anyone but the grandkids and the occasional student for a long time."
"What about Norton?" asked Lilac.
Seamus blinked. "I'm not sure he qualifies as human. Do you think perverts can be defined as a sub-species?" He shook his head. "Anyway, supplies are on the way. Let's go!"
Lilac sighed. "Let me guess. You're driving."
"Yeah!" Seamus almost shouted.
Sash, noticing the almost weary look on Lilac's face, left her spot at Tao's side for a moment. "Is anything wrong, Elder?" she whispered.
"Only that the last of the Kamikaze pilots isn't dead, child. He's alive and well, and driving a truck in Nerima."
* * *
As the truck roared away (Seamus had removed the muffler and installed a noise _AMPLIFYING_ exhaust pipe), Norton crept out of the trash bin where Tao had stuffed him shortly after catching him peeping at her.
A bathhouse, he thought. Nude women, all of them, yearning for my touch. NEEDING my body pressed firmly against their naked flesh. WANTING my virile manliness.
A thin trickle of drool began to make its way down his chin.
Since Norton was blissfully unaware that he actually HAD no virile manliness in any real sense, he continued that train of thought.
I _have_ to follow! I can't deny the lovely ladies the chance to experience ME!
And with that delusional thought, Norton dashed to the notepad beside the phone. Gently rubbing a pencil over the indentations in its surface, he was able to make out the faint traces of the address his Master had jotted down.
Then, he rushed down the street, a small map of Nerima clenched tightly in his sweaty fist.
"Never fear, sweet women of Nerima! I am here for you!"
* * *
Gos looked on glumly as his mother approached him with a bundle in her arms. "Another costume, mother?"
"No," Oichi chirped happily. "The first costume. You need to get some cold water and into costume right away! Your first adventure is here, now!"
Hikaru flinched. He'd _hoped_ his mother would give up her idea of having him rush around Nerima like some crazed gaijin superhero from an American manga, but apparently, the gods hated him. Personally. He winced in frustration.
"..are you listening, dear?"
"Ah, I'm sorry, Momma. I was thinking."
Oichi smiled. "Well, Koichi-san called. She was at the bathhouse when some deformed little hentai tried to steal all the women's underclothing, and the resulting riot ruined the building. It's your perfect chance!"
"But I don't WANT to steal underwear, Momma!"
Oichi gently batted him on one ear. "NO, silly. It's your chance to make your name as a hero! Now, change, dry off, get dressed, and go out there and CATCH that pervert!"
Gos was about to summon up the last of his miniscule amount of courage and try to refuse her, when his mother drove the final nail into his verbal coffin.
"Go out there and make us PROUD, son!"
He hung his head for a second, and then, without looking up, extended one hand for the clothing his mother was holding.
* * *
Sash gazed at the buildings passing by at a speed that made them seem one long blur. She leaned over to where Lilac was sitting in the cab of the pickup truck and screamed to make herself heard over the shriek of the wind.
"Elder, why is Master Seamus making those grunting noises and shouting about 'More Power, More Power!'?"
"Don't ask, child. You don't want to know."
About that moment, the roaring truck passed by a "Manga No Mori" store, and the young Amazon began to whimper. Dowel noticed and a faint trace of sympathy crossed her face.
The giantess reluctantly pried one of her hands from its deathgrip on the side of the pickup truck and tapped Sash on the arm to get her attention. When the younger girl looked her way, she mouthed the word "tonight", nodding as Sash's eyes lit up with hope.
* * *
Bricks, mortar, steel and wood were forming what could only be described as a small tornado around the site of the badly damaged bathhouse. Young Amazons were darting everywhere, carrying (and sometimes throwing) building materials into the heart of the cyclone.
Crowds were everywhere around it, gawking at the sight. Two young girls from Furinkan High School were hanging near the edges of the crowd, taking photographs with rather expensive looking cameras equipped with telephoto lenses.
Those of Nerima who were in the know nodded wisely, aware they'd be able to get photos of this tomorrow morning from NabTenCo for the low, low price of every yen they had in their wallet. (And then some.)
The center of the whirlwind paused for a coffee break, given that the repairs were now about ninety per-cent done.
Then he spat the coffee all over the sidewalk.
"AAACK! Lilac, didn't you tell the kids '_NO_ canned coffee, EVER!'?"
The Elder looked at her charges, who all took one large step back and pointed at Tao, who muttered <"..he's only a male. And what's so important about this coffee drink?">
Lilac sighed, then rolled her eyes at Seamus, who'd immediately gone into a bit of bad over-acting at hearing Tao's question. She ignored the writhing, convulsing, and frothing-at-the-mouth fit that the Master of Construction Martial Arts was (ineptly) faking, and glared at Tao.
<"He's an American, you foolish child! They worship coffee the way WE worship our honored ancestors!">
Seamus stopped writhing for a moment and popped his head up. "Well, I wouldn't say we're THAT obsess--"
"Shush, you, I'm disciplining a child here!" Lilac waved him off with a mock glare, turning back to Tao. <"Now hear this, foolish child. You will go to the nearest coffee bar, you will ask for the very BEST coffee they have, no matter the cost, and you'll get back here on the run. Without spilling a drop."> Lilac's mock glare hardened as she stared at the young Amazon. <"I tire of your surly attitude and your disrespect. Keep it up, and I'll send you back to the village in disgrace. And neither your grandmother nor Aloe will be able to save you from the punishment you so richly deserve.">
That's when all hell broke loose.
* * *
In the darkness lurked a horror. Well, maybe not a HORROR, but definitely a major pain in the ass. And the breasts, and various other female body parts.
The Founding Master of the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts was pretty good at lurking, at least. And glomping, and any number of perverted skills. But at the moment, he was busy lurking around the roof of a nearby building, staring down at the crowd that had gathered around the bath house.
When he'd overheard the rumor that a new company had promised to repair the bath house in one day or double the owners money back, he rushed back to the area, bag of panties over his shoulder. He knew that if it was true, and the bath house WAS repaired, women from all over Nerima would return to bathe, if only to gain a small bit of vicarious vengeance over him.
And he couldn't have that now, could he? Women had to understand that he was the best thing that ever happened to them.
Then he saw the blur surrounding the bath house slow to a stop, and resolve itself into an elderly gaijin, who accepted some coffee from one of the Amazons, only to spit it out again. Happosai did a little spitting himself, in surprise.
A rich red rage clouded Happosai's vision. How DARE Seamus come here! Japan belonged to HIM, not to some American student of a North Korean bastard! Chuin will PAY for this, he swore.
He conveniently forgot the fact that the undisputed Master of the House of Sinanju could kick Happi's ass in his sleep. One handed. And had, more than once. Happosai was good at forgetting things like that.
Unfortunately for him.
* * *
An angry shriek split the air and Seamus shot to his feet a split-second before a long pipe cracked the concrete where his head had been.
A feminine shout went up from half the assembled crowd. "HAPPOSAI! KILL!"
Seamus spun away before a Bean Jam Blowout could hit him, and the Lord High Pervert of all Japan bounced into the crowd to snatch a quick glomp before returning to the fight.
"Heya, Happi! Long time--"
A flurry of aerial kicks.
"--no see! Saigon, wasn't it? Back in--"
A blizzard of punches.
"--1928. You and that Jewish kid, the Hidden Salami--"
A lamp-post went flying.
"--versus Dr. Ursula Reykjavik from the Institute--"
Now it was large chunks of sidewalk concrete. Nerimans being no stranger to all-out martial arts deathmatches taking place in their streets (it was a weekly occurrence, after all), the crowd had already sought shelter at this point.
"--of Mad Science and Cosmetology, Class of '22."
Happosai paused for a heartbeat, fond memories flooding back. "And what a pair of knockers THAT gal had. Biggest rack I'd ever fond.. HEY! We're supposed to be FIGHTING here!"
"She was voted 'Most Likely To Cause A Sexual Apocalypse', as I recall," laughed Seamus.
"Yeah," sighed Happosai, caught in reminiscence. "And that Nookie Monster she create-- HEY! You're doing it again! STOP THAT!"
"Oh, sorry," blinked Seamus. "We were fighting, right? Why, exactly?"
"You're in Japan!" shouted the furious pervert. "MY territory! Not yours, and certainly not Chuin's! I want you both out of Nerima TODAY! Now hold still so I can kill you!"
Seamus skipped out of the way of Happosai's chi-blast. "Chuin isn't even HERE, ya old fart. He's still in the US, training that Remo kid." He scooped up a handful of finishing nails and flicked them at the aged pervert like tiny darts.
Happi swatted the steel splinters from the air like flies. "Then why are YOU here? I know you studied under that Korean prick. That bastard, taking my silky darlings from me, and forcing me to promise I'd never come near Sinanju again." His pipe tagged Seamus on the elbow, sending the martial arts builder spinning for a moment.
"Wasn't my fault," grunted Seamus as he bounced to his feet. "I just wanted his help in perfecting a few chi techniques for my OWN school. Didn't even WANT to join his House. What's between him and you is just that. None of MY business." Roof tiles spun through the air like shurikens, several of them tagging Happosai, tearing his clothing and ripping the thieves bandana from around his neck.
"THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE?!" roared Happosai .
An ironwood staff struck him squarely from behind, raising a painful lump on the pervert's head. "Because I invited him here, you idiot!"
Happi twirled around to see a rather irate Lilac standing there, staring him eye to eye. "Ah. Aheh. Uh. Well. Huh," babbled Happi. "Ah. It's.. been a while, Lilac."
"1928, but who's counting?" mused the Healer. "I give you my Oath that Chuin's nowhere around here that I or Seamus know of. *I* invited Seamus here to help me with an Amazon problem. Now, calm down, or I'll use the Ice Cold Libido shiatsu point on you."
The threat caused the furious lecher to settle down for the moment.
"Now, are you willing to calm down and listen for a bit, Happi? Or am I going to have to get serious on your puny little body?"
Happosai snorted. "Yeah, yeah, big woman, aren't you. Twelve inches, one lousy foot, and you ALWAYS lord it over me."
"When you got it, flaunt it," smirked the (slightly) taller Lilac. "Anyway, back to the subject at hand, you old lech. I have a husband hunting party in the area, and as it looked like it would take a while to snare the target, I've settled down for a bit. Seamus is here to help me with that."
Happi's eyes widened slightly. "More Amazons? More _busty_ Amazons? Here?!"
Lilac's eyes flashed fire. "Keep in mind *I'm* still here, Happi."
"Spoilsport," grunted Happi. "You take ALL the fun out of molest.. err.. gracing young women with my presence." His roving eyes spotted the small group of young Amazons standing about a dozen meters away. They'd put down building materials and tools, having sprouted a variety of sharp-edged objects, most of which were now pointing in Happosai's general direction.
"Seamus isn't here to do anything but help ME, Happi. Chuin isn't here, or anyone else of his School. So you don't need to get so damned hostile."
"Your word on that, Lilac? Your word as a _Healer_?"
Lilac's face wrinkled up in irritation. "All right. My word as a Healer that Seamus is here solely at my request, to help me with my problems. And that currently, he has nothing to do with certain parties who may or may not have royally kicked your ass in times past. Good enough for you?"
The short lecher grinned. "Good enough." He turned to Seamus. "Hurry up and repair the bathhouse! Get a move on! The sooner it's fixed, the sooner I can have fun there! Woo-hoo!" He bounced into the air, landing in the crowd that had reassembled to see what would happen to the old pervert, grabbing panties and breasts indiscriminately.
Seamus blinked, slightly annoyed. "He _wants_ me to get the building repaired. Go figure."
Lilac growled quietly. "Like any careful hunter, he wants to make sure his prey have a safe watering hole, to provide for future generations."
Seamus shuddered. "I'm not sure which scares me more.. that concept, or the fact that you UNDERSTAND him."
"Trust me, I'm not all that happy about it myself, Seamus."
* * *
Meanwhile, in a nearby sake bar, two men were doing their very best to get seriously drunk.
"You know, children are just plain bad these days," the heavy set one muttered. "Try to get him a nice wife, and what does he do? He turns me into a panda, that's what."
The other nodded. "My wife just keeps dressing up my boy in these silly outfits. Make him a hero, she says, Spandex, she says, and it's driving me crazy."
"Well, at least yours isn't threatening to cut your head off."
"I WISH. No, she wants my boy to be some kind of... hey, a new bottle!"
"Works for me. Um... does your son ever wear a dress?"
"I wouldn't be surprised... but I don't think so..."
The fat one sighed. "Lucky you."
Author's notes:
Before anyone asks, the prefix I added to Gos's name ("eiyu-Gos") means "hero" in Japanese. (At least that's what my Webster's New World Compact Japanese Dictionary claims.)
As Takahashi-san used onna-Ranma, neko-Shampoo, and even kaiju-Pantyhose, I thought I'd stay with the format she created in naming a Jyusenkyo-cursed form.
And for those who wonder, yes, Rob "Kenko" Haynie is doing a sidestory where Ranma attempt to track down the latest lunatic in the asylum known as Nerima. He's already gotten most of it outlined, and is already fast at work on it. It WILL be posted to both my personal website and to the Fanfiction.net page. I think you'll enjoy it.
Chapter 7
It was quiet. Too quiet.
Anyone who has ever served in the military knows the unease that this phrase causes. When the situation is normally chaotic, sudden silence is a sign that things are about to go drastically wrong.
There's even a set of military acronyms for it.
1) SNAFU: Situation Normal - All F***ed Up.
2) TARFU: Things Are Really F***ed Up.
and
3) FUBAR: F***ed Up Beyond All Recognition.
Seamus was dead certain that they were already well into TARFU, and headed quickly for FUBAR.
Happosai hadn't been seen for over a week since he'd vanished with his new apprentice desperately trying to follow him.
That wasn't unusual. Happi would often leave Nerima for reasons of his own. But when he did, the number of panty thefts in the neighborhood would drop to zero. At the moment, panties were still being stolen, but Happi was nowhere to be seen. Worrisome. Happi NEVER stole panties without allowing himself to be seen doing it. (The old pervert seemed to enjoy the commotion as much as he enjoyed the panties.)
So, if Happosai was the thief, why didn't he show himself to take credit? And if Happi _wasn't_ the thief... who was?
It worried the Master of Martial Arts Construction to the point that he'd made a few phone calls, inviting a few old friends to come visit his new home in Japan.
As for the chaos that usually followed them? He shrugged it off. This was Nerima. Who'd notice?
* * *
"Once you mess around with magic, it'll always pull you back in. So don't start unless you really want to make a career of it."
- Park Cooper in 'Everything I Needed To Know About Life I Learned From DC Comics'.
Rin came running down the stairs, her face white. Ran followed close behind, clutching her san jeh gwun (three link staff).
"Elder Lilac! Elder Lilac! There are monsters on the roof!"
Lilac blinked. "Seamus, I thought you said your friend and his students were practicing up there."
"That's what *I* thought," said Seamus, scratching his head in a puzzled manner. He stuck his head out the window and shouted up to the roof. "Splinter? You seen any monsters up there?"
A wizened voice replied calmly "I have not, old friend. Although we appear to have startled two children a few moments ago."
Seamus nodded. "Thank you. I'll take care of things. Sorry to bother you." He pulled his head back in. "Don't bother Master Splinter, Rin. Or his students. That goes for you too, Ran."
The young Amazon stared at the American grandmaster. "But... but... there's a giant RAT on the roof!"
McGyver frowned. "Child, don't parade your ignorance. Don't you know a Master of the Hidden Ways school when you see one?"
"But it's a RAT! A GIANT RAT! We need to get hot water! Or an exterminator! Or SOMETHING!"
Seamus rolled his eyes in frustration at the younger generation. "Lilac? If you would?"
The Amazon elder smirked, and began to herd her two charges downstairs. "I'll explain. Doubt it'll help, though."
"Thanks, Lilac. I owe you."
"Flattery will get you almost anything," grinned the healer. "But they're YOUR guests, and you're STILL paying for all the okonomiyaki they eat."
Seamus snapped his fingers ruefully. "Damn."
Right about then, he heard a knock at the side door. Frowning, he went to answer it. The back door was for deliveries, the front for business. But the side door was the personal entrance that he, Lilac and the girls used. No one else SHOULD be using it.
Opening it, he received a pleasant surprise. Standing there was someone he recognized, indirectly.
"Sarugakure-san? What are you doing here? Last I heard, you were working for the Kuno family."
The small ninja winced slightly, then nodded. "I still am, Sensei McGyver." He pointed to the young lady accompanying him. "May my companion and I enter? We wish to speak with you."
Seamus nodded, curious. "Be welcome to this house." He grinned. "Columbian, or Kona Gold?"
Sasuke's eyes lit up. "You have Kona Gold? HERE?"
Seamus laughed. "Think I'd even set FOOT on a plane without arranging for a steady supply of the good stuff, my friend?"
Sasuke shook his head slightly. "A very foolish question, of course. My pardons."
"None needed." The master of Construction Martial Arts waved them into the hallway. "And who is this young... lady...?" Seamus cocked an eyebrow, then extended his senses, passively reading the chi faintly emanating from Sasuke's companion. He was mildly surprised at what he detected.
"Forgive me, McGyver-sensei. I am the Kunoichi Konatsu Kenzan."
"I ... see. Forgive me for staring, Konatsu-san." Seamus waved the pair to a table. "Kona Gold for me and the Runt, and what would you have, Konatsu?"
"Green tea, if I am not imposing?"
Seamus nodded in Konatsu's direction, then poured two western style mugs full of steaming coffee. He offered one to Sasuke, who accepted gratefully.
"Ahhh.. I've missed this," sighed the Kuno family retainer.
Passing a delicate cup of green tea to the younger ninja, Seamus continued on. "Working for those tightwads? I'm not surprised," he stated. "Never did understand why you returned to work for the Macadamia Nut."
"Family honor, McGyver-san. That, and I did promise Mistress Kuno that I would do my best to care for her children." Sasuke shook his head sadly. "I fear I have failed her in that charge."
"Sasuke, you forget that I KNOW him. The fool ruined my last vacation with his haircut fetish."
"I am sorry about that. Perhaps you will permit me to somehow make amends. But for now, there is something more important that we must speak of." The short ninja hunched down over his coffee mug. "Please forgive me for being so forward at this time, but the matter is urgent."
"Please, go ahead."
"Sensei, we have important information. Information that must be given to the last student of Hamato Yoshi."
* * *
The rooftop was empty and silent. A normal person would have insisted that this was true.
A normal person would have been absolutely wrong. Silent, it was. But FAR from empty.
Even the ninja and the kunoichi could sense no signs of life present. Both were quietly impressed.
Sasuke bowed deeply. "Splinter-sensei, I bring you greetings, and a warning."
There was a flicker, and the elderly rat suddenly appeared out of empty air. He held no weapons, yet only a fool could mistake the aura of skill and total confidence that clung to him like a royal mantle.
"And you are?"
"Sarugakure Sasuke, Master Splinter. Konatsu and I are two of the last ninja left in Nerima."
"Indeed," rasped the rat. "You have said that you bring greetings, and a warning. I have heard the greetings."
Sasuke nodded. "You are the last of the original Foot, Master. All that otherwise remain of the Foot clan are the corrupt who follow Oroku Saki."
Splinter stood there, impassive.
The diminutive ninja let out a weary sigh. "He has returned, Master. He was injured, badly injured. But he has returned to Japan to heal. And he has brought new recruits with him. Gaijin that he has recruited from the street scum in America."
Splinter gestured for him to continue.
"The other clans have declined to deal with him. But neither do they oppose him, Master. They feel they need not. It is their belief that circumstance will serve to remove him without any effort required on their part."
"And why do they believe this, Sarugakure-san?"
Sasuke felt his control slip slightly, and decided that, for once in his life, he didn't GIVE a damn. Taking a deep breath, and trying to swallow the lump in his throat, he delivered the final part of his message, and surrendered to the emotion bubbling up from his soul.
"He's trying to rebuild his faction of the Foot clan... in Nerima, Master Splinter!"
And with that statement the little ninja, who'd loyally served the Kuno family for so long, totally lost it. He fell down on his butt, shaking with uncontrolled laughter at the utterly dumbfounded look on the face of the mutated rat.
* * *
The four brothers were unshockable.
At least, that's what they thought.
They'd faced off with bodiless alien brains from Dimension X, giant robot killing machines, megalomaniacal ninja warlords desiring to rule the world with hordes of semi-ept ninja, and fellow mutants of every shape and sort. They'd even journeyed through time to medieval Japan, becoming minor figures of legend in the progress.
They'd seen and/or done it all. They were tough, they could take it.
However, watching their Master and father laughing helplessly, pounding his fists on a rooftop air vent while trying to catch a breath of air between whoops... this went a little beyond what they were used to.
Four brothers had a single thought.
'I wanna know what the HELL is going ON!'
* * *
"Power is an illusion, maintained by persuading people that you are powerful. Mirrors help, but self-delusion helps even more. Self-delusion fed by the desire to wield power."
- Alexis Gilliland, "Long Shot For Rosinante".
Three ninja and one master of Construction Martial Arts were enjoying a drink together in the kitchen below while four other ninja attempted to eavesdrop.
"If it is not too intrusive, McGyver-san?" Sasuke looked over at Seamus curiously.
"Ask away," Seamus nodded.
"I have often wondered... why Combat Engineering Martial Arts?"
"You mean _besides_ the fact that large wandering lizards, enraged martial artists and deranged supervillains tend to ignore little things like stone walls, skyscrapers, and large natural terrain features when those things get in their way?"
Sasuke blinked while Splinter suppressed what might have been a small laugh.
"I... ah, I had not quite _thought_ of it that way, McGyver- sensei. But now that you mention it, it DOES make a great deal of sense."
Seamus grinned. "If you think it's bad in Nerima, you should visit Gotham City or Metropolis if you get the chance. I'm not the sort who's happy in a city, but if I were, I'd be so rich, I could probably be able to BUY the Kuno family."
"That is a pleasant thought." Sasuke closed his eyes for a moment, savoring the vision it brought to him.
Seamus refreshed the drinks. "The question that confronts us is, I believe, two-fold. What can we do about the throng of idiots that will soon flood into Nermia? And SHOULD we do anything about it? Besides sell tickets, that is?"
Konatsu looked at the older man sharply. "I do not understand, McGyver-sensei. They are ninja. Are they not a threat? I would not abide anyone or anything that might present a threat to my mistress."
"Threat?" snorted Seamus. "Konatsu-san, the only threat these mooks present is to themselves and, perhaps, to the people at large. When Saki arrives in person, HE will be a threat. As will his personal bodyguard. But the dregs he's recruiting for the Foot?" McGyver shook his head. "They're cannon fodder. No offense, Konatsu, but even having been trained by Saki's shadow, they still aren't much of a threat to the average NERIMAN martial artist."
"Don't underestimate Tatsu, old man," noted Lilac as she toddled into the room to join them. "He may be Saki's shadow, but he's an excellent sensei in his own right. Brutal, ruthless and cruel, but highly skilled."
"Point taken, Lil. But the average member of the Foot could be taken down by any one of us. Without breaking a sweat. In our sleep. Even the Academia Nut could probably mow down half a dozen or so, and do it before his morning tea."
Sasuke snickered. "Academia nut... I'll have to remember that one."
"What is known about those who will arrive here?" asked Splinter.
"Saki is said to be sending a dozen of his rank and file followers, Master, along with a single member of his Elite to command them until he and Tatsu arrive," the little ninja noted. "They're to establish a base to work from, then more will be sent to hold it and to 'take control' of Nerima before he arrives."
Seamus laughed. "And you were able to say that last bit with a perfectly straight face, too."
"Wasn't easy," Sasuke reluctantly admitted before sniggering.
The elderly rat shook his head. "I cannot believe Saki being so foolish. I knew he was without honor. I did NOT think he was stupid."
"It wasn't entirely his fault, Master. For some reason, the Clan Elders of the other families seem to have forgotten to brief Saki on the... ahh.. _difficulties_ of serving in Nerima."
"Ouch!" winced Seamus. "They're that pissed with him?"
"Somewhat irritated might be a good description, McGyver-san," interjected Konatsu. "Perhaps they feel that a period spent in Nerima would be educational for him, after his part in the destruction of the original Foot clan."
"Oh, he'll get an education, all right," Lilac snorted. "I doubt it will stick, though. Never does, with that sort."
"How do you wish to handle this, Seamus?" Splinter asked.
McGyver hmmm'ed thoughtfully. "Konatsu has a point there. It might not stick, just as Lil says, but I think Saki has a lesson or three coming to him." He grinned evilly. "Let's educate him as to the facts of life in Nerima."
He turned to Sasuke. "Is Tatewaki still caught up in that delusion of his?"
Sasuke frowned sadly. "I fear he is even worse, Seamus-san. His obsession with being a samurai has grown even stronger."
"But his skills with the sword haven't lapsed, have they?"
"To the contrary, they have only grown with time, and his near constant battles with the young Saotome lad. Despite his problems with the watermelons."
"Watermelons? What on Earth.. Oh, forget it. I'm sure I don't want to know. Okay, then let's USE that," grinned Seamus. "Konatsu, if you would be so kind, I'd like you to inform your mistress of the upcoming arrival of the Foot clan. Sasuke? Tell Tatewaki the same thing, but phrase it in terms he can understand. Evil ninja, come to challenge the might of the Magnificent Whatever that he's calling himself these days, yadda, yadda..."
Lilac's face wrinkled up in a cruel smirk. "Oh, you're being NASTY, old man."
"And why not?" Seamus pointed out. "If anyone deserves a hefty dose of Nerima-sized insanity, it's Oroku Saki."
"You're suggesting that we deliberately point the most violent members of the Nerima Wrecking Crew at Saki?" wondered Sasuke slowly. "That's so... so... so hideously appropriate."
"Ayep. In fact, come to think of it... Happi is still in town, even if we can't find him. Has anyone seen his godson lately?"
Sasuke choked on his coffee. "Taro? I believe he was spotted about two or three weeks ago, Seamus-san. Just shortly before you arrived."
"Be a damned shame if someone happened to drop a hint that beating Saki to a pulp would earn him a name change, wouldn't it now?"
The two ninja from Nerima were now staring at Seamus with wide eyes.
"Truly, Seamus, you are a MASTER at this. You should have been a ninja yourself," said Sasuke, shaking his head slowly.
"Nah. I don't look good in black."
* * *
At the moment, Ryouga was experiencing something very rare.
He wasn't _quite_ lost.
Oh, he didn't know EXACTLY where he was, but he knew he was in Nerima, and reasonably close to the Tendo dojo. This was highly unusual for Ryouga, and it was all thanks to Nabiki Tendo.
When Akane led him back to the Tendo residence (admittedly, at the end of a rope), Nabiki had been waiting and had gotten all of the facts the two of them possessed. Quickly adding them to what her assistants had already gathered, the middle Tendo daughter had quickly formulated a plan.
The Furinkan High School Literary Club swiftly wrote up a short, condensed version of the Happosai/Norton incident, and what it would mean to Nerima. The Art Club had turned the write-up into an easily printed flyer. To that, Nabiki had added her own advice, and had hundreds of the fliers distributed across the various neighborhoods of Nerima.
The thought of another, younger pervert, one actually trained by Happosai himself, had horrified every female in Nerima. So, as if of a single mind, they'd acted on Nabiki's suggestion.
Now, whenever any woman spotted Ryouga wandering AWAY from Nerima, he was taken by the hand and either gently guided back in the direction of the Tendo dojo, or - if the woman in question didn't have the time - bundled into a taxi-cab with instructions to the driver to take him there.
Normally, the second choice would have been impossibly expensive. Tokyo taxi drivers were among the most predatory, rapacious, money-hungry creatures on the face of the planet. They were one of the few life forms Nabiki respected. (Sharks and piranha also figured highly on that list.)
But now the cabbies faced an insurmountable threat. Their own wives and daughters. The threats they'd received from the female members of their families had reduced them to quivering masses of fear willing, even eager, to give free rides to Ryouga.
In fact, the cabbies - quickly realizing that not only was this protective of their own personal females, but could be a service to their female customers - independently began to keep a watch out for Ryouga. When a woman wasn't leading him, a cabbie was there to offer him a ride. At any moment, Ryouga could be certain of hearing one of two phrases...
From the ladies, "Let me show you the way home."
From the cabbies, "Want a ride? MY treat."
The result was, in fact, slightly embarrassing. He couldn't leave the Tendo compound if he WANTED to for much more than five minutes at a time... although he DID once, in those five minutes, get as far as the Ginza.
And he couldn't leave _Nerima_ at all.
Not that he was complaining.
He'd eaten more home-cooked meals in the past few days than he'd usually eat in an entire month. After weeks, sometimes months, of nothing but rice and instant ramen with the occasional rabbit or fish (and he had to be damn careful around all that cold water) this was culinary heaven! He was stuffed.
And the _clothes!_.
Once Akane had led him to her home, Kasumi had struck with all the speed and ruthlessness of a trained ninja. Before he'd realized what was happening, he'd been thrust into the bathroom with an armful of bath supplies and one of Ranma's spare "Chairman Mao" suits while Kasumi dragged his pack off to the laundry room with the aid of Akane's strong arms.
By the time he'd gotten cleaned up and dressed, every stitch of clothing he owned (except for what he'd stripped off in the bathroom and his bandanna) was undergoing the cleaning of its life at Kasumi's determined hands. She'd washed, patched and mended everything even vaguely cloth like - even his pack itself - then cleaned up his cooking pots and utensils. Her tenacity gave Ryouga mild chills.
At the moment he was somewhere outside the Tendo home, and had asked one of the very polite women to lead him to Fred Yamada's Genuine American Hamburgers yattai. He wasn't hungry, though. He had a plan.
There was one side effect of his directional curse that he didn't find too much of an annoyance. Few people knew about it. Ranma had found out quickly, of course. Nabiki might have discovered it, and Konatsu was certainly sharp enough to have noticed.
His curse might keep him from finding _places_, but people were another matter entirely. When Ryouga first found himself becoming regularly lost, he'd discovered that the harder someone tried to avoid him, the harder the curse would work to place Ryouga directly in their path. In some cases, he'd literally dropped out of the sky onto the person trying to hide from him.
It didn't work when HE wanted to find someone, mind you, which Ryouga found damned irritating. But when someone else was desperate to stay away from him, the curse just seemed to kick into overdrive.
And that's exactly what it was doing now.
As long as he was careful to avoid wandering out of Nerima entirely (easy enough to do at the moment, thanks to all the extra help he had), his curse seemed determined to throw him at those people who most desired to avoid him. At the moment, this included a certain young American pervert and his new sensei in lechery.
Ryouga grinned and laughed, a nasty, gloating laugh. He couldn't CATCH that bastard, not without getting lost. But that didn't stop him from standing his ground and firing off a few dozen bandannas, after chi-charging them with the Iron Cloth technique. He didn't get lost that way, and the woman-molesting punk was quickly learning that a bandanna capable of slicing through solid brick was also capable of slicing HIM into ground meat.
And that was certainly putting a crimp in Happosai's attempts to train Norton.
He turned to Fred. "One triple cheeseburger with extra onions and pickles, Yamada-san. To go, please. But NO bacon."
Fred smiled, and began to work his own Art with skilled hands. He was a martial artist too, and the burger slowly began to take shape. Slowly, because Fred understood the Rules of Life.
If you wash your car, it rains. If you get into the shower (or tub), the phone will ring. And if you try to order some fast food, something (or someone) will interrupt.
Which promptly occurred.
"Woooohooooo! Girlies!"
"NO, Apprentice! Panties first, THEN you may grope. The basics, always."
"Right on time," mused Fred. "Your burger's almost finished."
"Yep," said Ryouga. "Keep it warm for me, please?" He checked his position as Fred put his burger on a warming tray. Butt firmly seated on one of Fred's stools? Check. Bandanna? OK. Battle aura? Hot. Chi reserves? Full to the brim. Time to make the doughnuts, as that silly American commercial put it. Only one thing left.
"NORTON! PREPARE TO DIE!"
Didn't have _quite_ the same ring as his usual battle cry, thought Ryouga, but it did have a certain pleasant sound all its own.
* * *
Norton was feeling put upon. All he was doing was gracing the lovely ladies of Nerima with his gloriously manly presence, and people kept attacking him! It was SO totally unjust.
"NORTON! PREPARE TO DIE!"
"Eeeep!" he screamed, as he leapt up the side of a building, to cling to the bottom of a balcony. "Don't DO that!"
Ryouga blinked. "Why not?"
"Because, you idiot, I can't stea.. err.. LIBERATE panties with people shouting that they're going to kill me! It really breaks my concentration!"
Ryouga had a sudden intense headache. "That is the most STUPID thing I've heard anyone say since the last speech Kuno gave."
"Kuno?"
"Ahh, never mind. Drop the panties and surrender now. If you do, I'll beat the snot out of you."
"That's supposed to be an offer?" goggled Norton.
"Well, the other choice is, you _don't_ drop the panties, and I simply kill you." Ryouga idly twirled a bandanna in one hand. "Your choice, I don't mind."
"I think I'll choose... TORT TOSS!"
Norton threw the blazing pieces of paper faster than he'd ever thrown them before. And the gunpowder he'd taken to wrapping inside the folded papers would CERTAINLY knock this person out, leaving him in peace to plunder panties!
Ryouga had recently been experimenting with a combination of Martial Arts Origami and his traditional "Iron Cloth" technique. With a snap of his wrist, he'd shake a bandanna into the proper shape, then quickly infuse it with enough chi that it remained frozen in that shape, as hard as iron.
He ripped a second bandanna from his head, and a split-second later, both had taken a form not unlike that of traditional Japanese war fans.
"Try THIS, you cowardly trash!" shouted the Lost Boy. The fans blurred for a second, and a small blizzard of shredded paper fell at Ryouga's feet like confetti from a parade.
"HEY! You're not supposed to do that!"
"And why not?"
"Uhh... because I don't want you to?"
Even FRED was starting to get a headache at this point. How stupid could this American boy possibly BE?
* * *
A handsome young man with thick blond hair was trying to hold on to his temper as he shepherded nearly a dozen teenagers through the Los Angeles International Airport and onto a JAL flight to Tokyo.
He was proud of the fact that he'd recently become a member of his Master's Elite Guard, but understood quite clearly that as the newest rookie of that group, he'd be stuck with all the jobs and scutwork that the more experienced Elite didn't want to do.
Getting a light dozen of the his Master's ninja across the USA and into Tokyo, unnoticed by the law enforcement officials of either nation was apparently one of those jobs. (It also got him out of New York city and away from a certain TV reporter who could identify him to the police, a useful side effect.)
Not that the ninja, all newly recruited, were disobedient. No. They followed orders to the letter, with all the precision of a machine. And all the personality of one.
"I told you, you are _tourists_," he hissed. "Tourists do NOT glare at the people around them as if they expect to be attacked at any moment. You fools will make the police suspicious. You WILL relax, or at least _pretend_ to. That is an ORDER. Otherwise, you will be sent back to our master in disgrace!"
The troop, dressed as a vacationing tour group, nodded in unison. This made Freddy want to flinch again. They might as well be wearing neon signs reading "ATTENTION! DANGEROUS NINJA!"
Could there POSSIBLY be any ninja in the world as inept as those he had to lead to Nerima?
* * *
Several dozen locations across Japan experienced an epidemic of sneezing. The Ministry of Health made note of this, and decided to investigate the possibility of a new variety of flu developing.
* * *
Happosai leapt down from a nearby rooftop and bounced over to Fred's yattai. Reaching up one sleeve of his robe, he pulled out a fistful of yen and handed it over to the mildly surprised chef.
"Chili-cheese fries, double cheese with some sour cream on the side. And a cola."
Fred blinked, looking from Happi over to the (small) battle raging just yards away in the middle of the street. "Shouldn't you be.. I don't know.. assisting your student or something along those lines? He seems to be getting his butt kicked."
This didn't stop Fred from accepting the yen from Happi, and his spatula-chucks swiftly moving into action. Frozen sliced potatoes were shoveled into a small frier, cheese and chili were readied, and a paper basket prepared.
The senior statesman for lechers across the planet smiled. And oddly enough, it wasn't a perverted smirk, it was a warm and friendly smile between comrades.
"Come now, Fred... you're a martial artist too. Not as skilled as Ranma, perhaps, but then again, who is? You should know that there are times when you have to let your student try things on his own, and damn the bruises. Otherwise, they won't learn. It's the CHALLENGE that builds the martial artist, Yamada-san."
Carefully lifting the fries from the hot oil, lightly dusting them with spices and sliding them into the paper basket, Fred gave a thoughtful nod.
"True, true. You don't do that, they don't become independent. So... what? When he gets his minimum daily requirement of bruises from Hibiki-san, you'll carry him off to heal?"
Happi watched eagerly as Fred ladled red chili over the fries, then covered both with shredded cheddar cheese which quickly melted into a gooey, tasty mess that was topped with a generous dollop of sour cream.
"More or less, Fred. More or less. Don't want him DEAD, mind you, just bruised and humbled. He _was_ getting a tad uppity."
The chef grinned as he passed the order, along with a western style plastic fork, over to the aged martial artist. A can of cola accompanied the paper tray. "Let me guess... he's in a hurry, wants to do it ALL, and do it NOW, and damn what the sensei says, he KNOWS he has what it takes?"
Happosai almost choked on his soda, spilling a little of it on the yattai's counter. Grabbing a paper napkin, he wiped both the counter and his own lips. "Got it in one, Fred. Good fries, by the way!"
"Thank you, Master Happosai. It's an Art, you know."
The old man gave Fred a respectful nod. "Indeed."
* * *
Oddly enough, while Ryouga was angry, he wasn't feeling ANGRY. The usually incendiary rage that consumed him during his battles with Ranma simply wasn't there. Instead, he was feeling like... like...
He was feeling a lot like Ranma, actually.
For once in his life, HE was the faster, more agile combatant. And even more important, the more CUNNING one.
Norton, despite his newly acquired skills, seemed less focused, less able, and Ryouga was leading him through the battle as if by the nose.
Ryouga found he enjoyed it.
This must be how Ranma feels like when he pulls a fast one on me, thought the Lost Boy. I _like_ it! I could get to enjoy this! Let's see, what would Ranma do next? Something flashy? Yeah!
"Okay, you perverted little gaijin, take this! HIBIKI BANDANNA BLITZKRIEG!"
He began to rip bandannas from his head with both hands, wadding them into tight balls, rapidly forcing ki into them, and throwing the glowing spheres of cloth at Norton in a near continuous stream.
"OUCH! HEY! THAT HURTS! STOPPIT!"
Norton rapidly discovered that, when imbued with enough ki, cloth could not only become as hard as iron, it could also become as heavy. The damned things felt like baseballs, and hit like them too. They hurt a LOT!
He ducked, he dodged, he sidestepped, but the flow of rock-hard cloth lumps continued to pelt Norton until the lech collapsed with an agonized groan.
"I recommend you stay down," Fred commented from his position of relative safety. "It will hurt less that way."
Norton merely groaned as he tried to struggle to his feet.
"I don't think so, Fred," noted Happosai, watching Ryouga stalking towards his student. "I've seen that stance before. This is probably going to hurt." He slipped from the stool and quickly scurried towards his student.
Ryouga had decided to end this fight with a new technique, one that he'd adapted from a friendly American who'd helped him find his way off of a golf course he'd gotten lost in. He hadn't intended to use it on Ranma, even Saotome didn't deserve it. Well, not yet, anyway. But this piece of trash certainly did.
I really should send Palma-sensei a nice 'Thank You' card, mused the Lost Boy. Maybe a nice bottle of sake, as well. It's the proper thing to do.
He stopped next to Norton, made certain his feet were placed properly, adjusted his grip on his umbrella, and swung.
"FORE!"
Norton went flying through the air, clutching his groin and moaning softly.
* * *
Ryouga looked about, uncertainly. "Someone help me follow him! It's not completed until I follow him!"
A woman - one of many that hovered around Ryouga recently - nodded. "Well, I can help - I saw where he landed. But why?"
"I have to make the putt!"
"The what?"
"And I'll need someone to open a manhole or something..."
* * *
Norton looked up at the evil that harassed him. Oh, great. The freaking umbrella again. And now was more intense pain- huh?
Odd. That was almost gentle. Hardly painful at all. What was the crazed bandanna boy doing... and why was he in freefall? Oh, that was why. He was falling into a- DAMMIT, THAT'S NOT FAIR!
* * *
Back at the yatai, Fred was distracted by his cell phone (a nearly universal feature of Japanese life these days.) He answered, listened, nodded, and disconnected. And then coughed.
"Ladies, no need. Hibiki-san got a hole in one."
The women cheered. One of them kissed Ryouga on the cheek. Which caused him to collapse onto one of Fred's chairs, sporting a small nosebleed.
* * *
One of the Nerima sanitation workers heard the splash and set down the manhole cover he'd just pulled up. Going over to check, he looked down the hole.
"Damn. Somebody just threw away a perfectly good white boy..."
His partner wandered over to take a look.
"Oh, crap. Give me a hand, we have to drag this guy out of the pipe before he contaminates the sewage."
"Huh?"
"That's the new pervert in town. Happosai's new apprentice."
"Oh. Do WE have to clean him up?"
"Nah. He's probably cleaner now."
"I heard that, you know," Norton said, weakly.
"You were meant to," retorted the sewer worker.
* * *
The Ambush Bug stood for the first time in Nerima, shining with an inner light. Well, he thought he was, anyway. He prepared to find his foes, his friends, his hero, his--
And then for no reason he could tell there was a sudden shock of agony to his face and he fell backwards, onto his proverbial ass, as his nose started to bleed. It might have been broken. It hurt too much to tell.
As he dizzily started to stand, an angry girl's voice was complaining in Japanese - which, actually, he DID speak - a little bit--
"RANMA! Why did you hit that man? Even if he was dressed stupidly, there was no reason to--"
"Yes there was, Akane. I dunno know what. I dunno know WHY. But I know I had to hit him now to get it out of the way. And I'll do it a lot. It's fate."
As the two passed, arguing, Irwin decided that it might be... more exciting than he'd thought.
(Yes! I already have an arch enemy!)
And for once... Irwin had NO idea.
"Yes there WAS, Akane. There's only one reason why ANYONE around here would be dressed like that, and it always - ALWAYS - means trouble for me.
Akane blinked. "And that is?"
"To challenge me in some weird martial art. And that's ALWAYS trouble."
What worried Akane at this point was the fact that what Ranma was telling her - made sense.
"And besides... he just FEELS wrong."
Akane thought about the appearance of the man Ranma had just decked. "You don't think it's some silly Insect-Fu or something like that, do you?"
"Nah, we got that _last_ month, remember?"
"Oh, yes! That silly little man who said he was King of the Moth People? Or was it the Butterfly People?"
"Don't remember. B'sides, he looked more like the Shobijin, anyway. But he sure got a lesson when he tried to kidnap Kasumi for his bride."
Butterfly people? I have relations in Japan?, was Irwin's mildly confused thought as the two passed beyond his hearing. That, and that he should perhaps find a hospital somewhere and have his nose checked out.
* * *
Ryouga smiled as one of the helpful women led him back to the Tendo dojo. It was kinda fun to play Ranma's role for once... which reminded him. Where exactly HAD Ranma been for the last week? Except for meals at the Tendos' and school, he kept vanishing.
Ryouga would never know the answer... or believe it.
Then again, only one person would... Tenorioh Wan.
* * *
Happosai gave a good-natured grumble as he headed towards his student's 'splashdown point'. While he found the extra effort to be something of an annoyance, he was certain that Norton had learned an important lesson about crawling before you learn to walk, and walking before you learn to run.
They never learn, he thought to himself. Though I shouldn't expect too much. After all, I was over-eager and greedy once myself.
Of course, Happosai, BEING Happosai, failed to recognize the crushing irony in that thought.
Bounding over to where the sanitation workers were fishing his student out of the muck, he perched atop a fire hydrant, and waved to them.
"Over here, boys! I'll take care of him!"
Both workers rolled their eyes, but they were Neriman born and bred. They realized the futility of trying to argue with Happosai unless you possessed at least a dan ranking in some martial art. (And even then, you were likely to get badly beaten. Unless Happi was in a good mood at the time.) So they dragged the younger lecher over as Happi directed, and laid him out on the street near the hydrant.
"Thanks, boys! Here, have a panty. My treat!" Happosai tossed each of them a pair of cheap rayon panties. (He'd already drained them dry, but hey, it was the thought that counted, right?) Both workers reluctantly accepted the gift - it's never a good idea to insult a Grandmaster of the Anything Goes School - and found other places that they needed to be at the moment. Places where Master Happosai _wasn't_
Happi took a long drag from his pipe, knocked out the coals, and blew through it to make certain it was out. Then he hopped straight up into the air, swinging the pipe beneath him, to strike the hydrant.
The locking nut on the hydrant spun free, and a powerful jet of water surged forth, soaking Norton from head to toe in an instant, cleansing him of the assorted bits of sewage still clinging to his body.
"GLARG!" Norton spat as some of the water went up his nose.
"Good to see you're awake, m'boy. Now, come along. We have more training to do."
"But Maaaaaaaster..."
"But NOTHING! Hibiki kicked your ass, and did it without any real effort. And if HE can defeat you, you certainly have no chance whatsoever against my OTHER heir, boy. Now! MORE TRAINING!"
Norton groaned.
"But as you ARE exhausted, we'll stop by the Tokyo Playboy Club for a quick recharge. I expect _that_ will pep you up, eh?"
"WOOHOO!"
"Thought so."
* * *
Ninja are not normally known for letting grass grow under their feet. Neither Konatsu nor Sasuke did so.
At the Ucchan's, the male kunoichi was explaining to his mistress who Oroku Saki was, and the danger that he represented. Though at first, Ukyou had a SLIGHT bit of difficulty taking the matter seriously.
* * *
"He dresses like a CAN OPENER?"
* * *
Sasuke, on the other hand, found much more fertile ground upon which to spin his tale. Granted, it was a story that had only the most tenuous connections with reality, but that was all right. It was for the consumption of Tatewaki Kuno, after all.
"You say this vulgar assassin seeks to challenge the righteous glory and might that is the Blue Thunder, most loyal Sasuke?"
"Indeed, Master. Stories of your martial prowess have reached even the furthest reaches of the lands across the Pacific, and this self-proclaimed 'Master of the Foot' seeks to do combat with you. Even now, he sends forth his minions to do battle with you, in hopes of weakening you so that he might come upon you, unawares."
"No doubt the vile creature will essay to make common cause with the foul sorcerer Saotome, thinking to divert my attention at some vital moment. Set a watch upon the evil magus, loyal Sasuke, and thus we will discover the moment at which they would attempt to strike!"
"Indeed, my master." If medals were awarded for self-control, Sasuke was certainly going for the silver, if not the gold.
"And properly reward the commoner who has revealed to you the dark presence of this loathsome creature," Kuno continued in a portentous manner. "You may inform him that he may revel in the thought that he has assisted the Powers of Light in some small and unimportant degree."
"Most generous of you, Master."
"Generosity is, after all, the hallmark of a samurai, my most faithful retainer. Now, go. Discover for me when the despicable lackeys of this noisome manslayer will arrive, that I might confront them with the might that is the BLUE THUNDER!" Lightning flashed in the distance behind Kuno.
"Yes, Master! Right away!" I _really_ wonder how he does that, mused the short ninja as he scurried away.
* * *
Two figures departed the train. One, female. One, male. The male, a staggeringly handsome example of the breed, knelt and began to kiss the cement of the station's platform. "I was inside the train! THANK you sensei, for letting me be inside the train!"
"You earned it, teishi. Now, we both should get home, and prepare. Who knows what challenges the morning may bring?"
"And you're really serious about that, aren't you?"
"I always am, when it comes to battle," the woman responded. Her beauty matched the man's comeliness. "Now, go home and rest. Tomorrow is another day."
And they parted ways.
END PART 7 Author's notes: The "Hibiki Bandanna Blitzkrieg" is from the fanfic "Hotaru 1/2", by Gregg Sharpe and is used with his permission.
The Shobijin are, in English, the twin fairies that appear in the Japanese monster movie "Mothra", whose singing summons Mothra to Tokyo in his giant caterpilar form.
I'd like to thank Robert "Kenko" Haynie, who contributed outright many of the scenes in this chapter, and spent a lot of time online helping me to get the humor just right. He also allowed me to borrow the character of Fred Yamada, and his All-American Hamburger yattai from the wonderfully hilarious story, "Girl Days".
Thanks again, Kenk.
All characters, including the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, are copyrighted to their creators and owners. They are used (with the exceptions noted above) without permission or intent to profit.
END PART 7 ENDNOTE