Title: Queer Eye For the Straight Guy Takes a REAL Wrong Turn

Author: Scribe

Fandom: Queer Eye/Clive-verse

Pairing: Implied Clive/Carson, with a possible side of Trenton

Rating: R

Summary: Someone is playing a prank, but is it on Clive, or the Fab Five?

Archive: Mailing lists and WWOMB

Feedback: poet77665@catlover.com

Status: Finished

Sequel/Series:

Disclaimer: I did not create the characters here, I don't own them. I derive no profit from this effort. I mean nothing but respect for the creators, owners, and the actors and actresses who portray them.

Websites: http://www.angelfire.com/grrl/scribescribbles and http://www.angelfire.com/grrl/foxluver

Notes: The Fab Five-- Kyan--grooming, Ted--food and Wine, Carson--fashion,
Jai--Culture, Thom--interior design Drinks listed can be found at http://www.acats.org/drinkdatabase/criteriasearch.htm

Formatting: //settings or information// *actions or sound effects* Speaker: "Dialogue."

This story is courtesy of a plot bunny flung at my by shrewreader. :)


Queer Eye For the Straight Guy Takes a REAL Wrong Turn
By Scribe

//A quiet day at Attitudes. Bettina is giving Mrs. Havasnark a trim. Trenton is behind the front counter, studying a Cosmetology textbook. Clive is having a nap in his office.//

//The Fab Five pause on the sidewalk outside//

Thom: "What are we doing here? Don't we usually meet the subject at his home? What am I supposed to do with a beauty salon?"

Carson: "Beats me, sweetie, but you have to remember that this is a private job, not for the show. Our patron set the rules, so ours is not to question why, ours is but to do and look fanTAStic."

Ted: "I still don't understand how this happened. What about our contract?"

Jai: "I had a look at it with one of the corporate lawyers after we got the offer. He was kind of surprised to find a teeny, tiny little clause that said we could do this freelance as long as we kept it absolutely out of the public eye."

Kyan: "So that's why we're all wearing shades."

Carson: "No, sweetie, we do that in the opening credits anyway, remember?"

Ted: "But WHY are we doing this if we're not getting publicity out of it?" //Carson pulls a check out of his back pocket and holds it up in front of Ted's eyes.// "Now I remember."

Thom: //Studies exterior of Attitudes// "Well, I can't honestly offer any advice about the exterior. Let's hope he has shag rug inside. That'll be good for at least five minutes of comic shock and horror."

Ted: "If they have a break room with a mini-fridge we can probably do a solid ten minutes on junk food and healthy lunches."

Carson: "Nothing's going to get done if we don't go inside. C'mon, kids. Charge!"

//All five breeze through the front door. Trenton looks up. His mouth drops open. The Fab Five have palpitations at the sight. Hey, Trenton with his mouth open will do that...//

Trenton: "Oh, my God! It's YOU! ALL of you."

Carson: "Oh, God, I'm torn! On one hand I want you to be our subject, because then I'll have an excuse to peek in the changing room while you're in your undies, and pretend to straighten seams. On the other hand, I'll give a year off my life if you're at least bi. Who are you, oh vision?"

Trenton: "I'm Trenton Vittelli."

Carson: "Rats."

Trenton: "And I AM gay."

Fab Five: "Hallelujah!"

Trenton: "But I'm taken."

Carson: "Crap. Back to flirting."

Mrs. Havasnark: "Trent, who are your well dressed and nicely groomed friends?"

Trenton: "Mrs. Havasnark, you remember that television show we watched with you last week?"

Havasnark: "You mean the one with all the cute little fancy fellas teaching the nice heterosexual boys how to walk upright?" //Trenton indicates the Fab Five. Havasnark pulls a pair of rhinestone harlequin frame glasses out of a dress pocket and perches them on her nose.// *gasp* "It's the boys who kibitz all the vanilla men! Oh, you five have chutzpah, I give you that."

Trenton: "Why are you guys here? Are you setting up someone I know? Is Kyan going to want to borrow Attitudes for his segment?"

Kyan: "Thanks, Trenton, but that's not EXACTLY why we're here. We're here to work our magic on someone named Clive."

//Bettina, Havasnark, and Trenton all stare// *silence* *crickets chirp*

Havasarnk: "Oy."

Bettina: "You said it, whatever it was you said."

Trenton: *giggle*

Carson: "Oh, he's amused. This Clive person must really need us."

Trenton: *gigglegigglegiggle*

Bettina: "Trent, Bubbie, you really ought to tell them."

Trenton: *sniff* "Not me."

Havasnark: *whispers in Trenton's ear so the others can't hear* "Trenton, you're being a bad boy. Clive might tan your tochas good."

Trenton: "I can only hope, and it would be WORTH it, Snarky."

//The bell rings over the door, and Bryant McAllister comes in. He pauses, eyeing the Fab Five.//

Bryant: "Trent, are these who I think they are?"

Trenton: "None other."

Carson: *flutters eyelashes at Bryant* "Hellooooo. Please tell me your name is Clive."

Bryant: *stares* "You're here for Clive?"

Kyan: "That's right. We're here to transform his life with advice on grooming, culture, decorating, fine cuisine, and style."

Bryant: "Exuse me a second." *steps outside *HOWL!* *comes back in* *sniff* *chuckle* "Clive?"

Trenton: "That's pretty much what I said."

Jai: "Wow, how bad off must this guy be?"

Havasnark: "Excuse me." //She steps back into the ladies room.// *gales of laughter* //She comes out// "Sorry. I find I have to visit the facilities more often these days. Please warn me before you say things like that."

Jai: "We were told that we could find Clive here, so if you'd just direct us...?"

Bryant: "Are you absolutely sure that you want to go through with this?"

Carson: "We aren't giving up our front money, hon."

Trenton: "He's back there in his office."

Jai: "I'll go rouste him out." //Jai trots back toward the office.// *calls back* "There's a 'do not disturb' sign." *blinkblink* "Actually, there's a Do Not Disturbe the Dom sign."

Kyan: //Kyan is examining Trenton's hair appreciatively// "Your color is fabulous. Who does it?"

Trenton: "God."

Kyan: *laughs* "That's a good one. It's also in excellent condition. Who takes care of it?" *playful* "God?"

Trenton: "Close--Clive."

Kyan: "It's just that I think you're overdoing the rumpled look." *pulls out a small can of mousse* "Let me just give you a quick mousse and tousle..."

Trenton: *jerks back* "Hey! No one touches my hair but Clive."

Carson: "Aw, he's shy. Isn't that CUTE?"

Kyan: "Okay, no mousse, but you're looking a little ragged." *pulls out a small pair of barber scissors* "I'll just give you a little trim..." *snaps scissors*

Trenton: *yells* "ARE YOU MAD?"

//The office door bangs open, narrowly missing Jai.//

Clive: "WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?"

Trenton: "I didn't let him! I didn't let him!"

Clive: *stalks to the front, giving the Fab Five hard stares, and Trenton a tender look* "I know, precious. You have much better sense than that." *eyes the Fab Five* *eyebrows climb* "Well, either you boys are going to have to wait in line, or I'm going to have to call in Lynette."

Ted: "We're not here for styling..."

Carson: "We are, you know."

Ted: "Yes, but styling as in 'do the Vogue'. You're Clive?"

Clive: *stares* "You boys are from out of town, aren't you?"

Thom: "Yes. As a matter of fact, the means of transportation here was a bit confused. The last thing I remember is gathering at our set, and then we were standing on the sidewalk outside. Say, I like what you've done with the place. One would hardly expect hardwood floors in a salon these days."

Clive: "It costs more, but the selection of institutional tiles were just too depressing for words, and ceramic is a bit of a hazard with all the traffic around here."

Thom: *clasps hands* "Practical and aesthetically pleasing! Wow!"

Clive: "So glad you approve."

Ted: "Is there a break room with fridge around here?"

Clive: "There's a very nice deli next door, and Lavender's Green does lunches."

Ted: "I need to assess your dietary habits, so I can make recommendations."

Clive: "Funny, you don't look like that Richard Simmons person Scribe has told me about."

Trenton: "I'll show him, Clive. That'll get one of them out of your face."

Clive: "Thank you, pet. If he makes a move toward the hair, just scream."

Trenton: "What if he makes a move toward anything else?"

Clive: "Smack him silly. He doesn't look like he'd be that much of a problem."

Thom: "I'd be outraged for him if it wasn't for the fact that he DOES give that impression. I think it's the glasses. Those chairs in the waiting area are great. You have no idea how nice it is to see something other than molded plastic."

Clive: "Molded plastic makes me break out in hives. If Trenton want's McDonalds, he either goes alone or gets take-out. Seriously, what are you people DOING here?"

Havasnark: "Clive, these are those gay make-over boys from that program."

Clive: "The one with 'queer' in the title." *bares teeth* "I sincerely don't like that term."

*scream from back room*

Havasnark: "Oh, NO! Didn't he understand about the hair?"

Clive: "Cool it, Snark. That wasn't my lamb. I'm familiar with ALL the sounds he makes."

//Ted staggers up to the front, tears in his eyes// //He heads stright to Clive//

Ted: *grabs Clive* *smooch*

Clive: "Well..."

Ted: "Aged brie, grapes, pate, cracked black pepper water crackers, smoked salmon, and a slice of sour cream cheesecake. Imported ale, and a cabernet. I think I love you."

Clive: *looks at Trenton, who has followed* "I'm assuming he didn't find your stash of Yoohoos and Pop Tarts."

Jai: *coming out of office* "Well, I found ticket stubs for The Producers, a program from a classics symphony, and a brochures for shows for both Impressionists and Cubists at the local art museum. That pretty much covers it." *looks at Clive* "I don't suppose you have two left feet when it comes to dancing?"

Clive: *shrugs* *grabs Trenton and does a fast tango* "I also do a mean bunny hop, when I'm in the mood."

Jai: "Looks like I take it easy this time around."

Kyan: *cocks head as he studies Clive* "I have absolutely nothing to tell you. I WILL ask who does your hair."

Clive: "Lately I've been letting Trenton--under strict supervision, of course. But usually I do it myself."

Kyan: "Get out of town! That's not possible."

Clive: "EXCUSE me?"

Kyan: "I mean... it's hard to believe." *Clive stares* "It's just unusual."

Clive: "Well, it takes practically forever, but it isn't impossible. It helps, of course, that I keep very flexible, and I have mirrors ALL over the place in my private station." *Carson is walking around Clive* "And I suppose you have something to say, too?"

Carson: "Just call me Motormouth."

Clive: *smiles* "I have a dear friend who had that nickname as a child. Go on and get whatever it is off your chest."

Carson: "Well, the look is a little dramatic for work, unless you're working the world's oldest profession."

Clive: *very quiet* "Brash little thing, isn't he?"

Trenton: *whispers* "Carson, you might want to ease up..."

Clive: "No, no, no, Trent. Let him talk. I find this highly interesting."

Carson: "The leather pants are better kept for clubbing, and the shirt left open to mid-chest? Nice view, but a little disco, don'tcha think?"

*Trenton starts removing breakables from the immediate vicinity* *The other four Queer Eye guys are beginning to catch the vibe, and get a little nervous*

Carson: "But to really know what you need, I'd need a look in your closet. When was the last time you've given your closet a real turning out?"

Clive: "Precious, I haven't been in my closet for a couple of decades now. My wardrobe consists mostly of leather, suede, denim, and silk, with occasional side roads into fine linen and flannel."

Trenton: "Latex."

Clive: "Only on special occasions. Oh, and there IS that chainmail." *Clive smiles* "Trent's been going through a Lord of the Rings phase lately. He's a bit tall for a Hobbit, but with those Vulcan ears he got at the last Star Trek convention he makes a scrumptious elf."

Trenton: "I can't talk him into the long blond wig, though."

Clive: "Why would I want an imitation Legolas when I have a completely real Trenton Vittelli?"

Thom: *sniff* "This is one of the sweetest couples we've ever run into. But that brings up a point. Clive, you're not straight?"

Clive: "Excuse me a moment." *goes back into his office* *not quite hysterical laughter* *Clive returns* "Whatever gave you that idea?" *Thom starts to answer* "Wait." *Clive peers at Carson closely* *looks at Kyan* "You're supposed to be the grooming guru?" *Kyan nods* *Clive points to Carson's hair* "Are you responsible for THAT?"

Kyan: *holds up his hands* "Not guilty!"

Carson: "Hey!"

Kyan: "He won't let me touch his hair. He's very stubborn."

Clive: *looks at Carson* "Then can I assume you've been going to a beautician school and getting free treatments from the students?"

Carson: *lofty* "I have a friend..."

Clive: "No friend would do that to you. I'm going to need their name. They must be persuaded to either get a LOT more training, or look into some other profession. Actually, your hair is quite nice--very good quality. But that cut and style..." *shudders* *shakes head* *sighs* "It's my duty to take care of this."

Trenton: "You... you mean...?" *Clive nods* *reverently* "The Private Station."

Carson: "Oh, no thank you. I'm quite content."

Clive: "Dear, you're one to be talking about disco this and that. Your hair looks like it should be in a 1976 highschool yearbook." *crooks finger* "Come here."

Carson: *starts to back up* "Um, guys? Maybe it's time to go."

Thom: "Actually, Carson, your hair has been bugging me for quite some time."

Kyan: "You already know how I feel about it."

Carson: "The last time I woke up from a nap to find you with a lock of my hair in one hand and scissors in the other is an indication."

Jai: "I agree that you need to do something."

Carson: "Where do you come in as a hair expert?"

Jai: "Hey, I've seen Hair, and I've seen Hairspray. I KNOW bad hair when I see it."

//Clive is now stalking Carson, with a rather feral smile// //Carson tries to go to the door. Bryant casually blocks it// //Carson blinks. Bryant licks his lips// //Several of the Fab Five have to make adjustments to the drape of their pants//

Bryant: "Look, Carson. Do you have a safe word?"

Carson: "Gucci."

Bryant: "Well, use it if you really, REALLY don't want anything to happen, but you'd better do it soon. If you wait till Clive gets his hands on your hair..."

Carson: *alarmed* "He wouldn't stop?"

Bryant: "Oh, he'd stop. But he'd be absolutely PISSY to live with for a while."

Clive: "Here, you cute little blond submissive."

Carson: *squeak!* "WHO SAID I WAS A SUBMISSIVE? Don't I boss the clients around about their wardrobes?"

Clive: *gestures dismissively* "Trenton gets bossy sometimes, too. It's great fun to let him play. Now, come along, Carson."

Carson: "Don't wanna!" *tries to run*

Clive: *grabs his belt in back* "Now, now... It's just nerves, pet." *his voice is soothing* "This is for your own good."

Carson: "The last time someone told me that I got three teeth drilled!"

Clive: "I won't say there will be no drilling, but I PROMISE you that you'll find it more pleasant than a trip to the dentist." *Clive hoists him by his belt.*

Carson: "Guh... Guh... Guh..." *Clive strokes his ass* "Guh-goodnes."

Bryant: "Need any help?"

Clive: "You might keep the others entertained for a while. Trenton?"

Trenton: "Yes, sir?"

Clive: "You need a little more observation, dear. Would you like to...?"

Trenton: "Yes, SIR!"

//Clive, Trenton, and Carson repair to the Private Station.//

Bryant: "So tell me, are any of you guys into karaoke?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

//Not quite two hours later, at Lavender's Green//

//Kyan, Thom, Jai, and Ted are at a table with Bryant, having drinks//

Ted: "What did you say this is again?"

Bryant: "That's an Adios Motherfucker. Two people at the bar fainted when Scribe introduced it."

Thom: "And this is a Woo Woo?"

Bryant: "Yes. Toddy tried to say that wasn't a dirty name--then Scribe told him what a Woo Woo was."

Jai: "How about this?"

Bryant: "That's called The Virgin. Clive says that's the last virgin that's been in this place since Trenton." *smile* "And that was some time ago."

Kyan: "And this is?"

Bryant: "A Silky Panty."

Kyan: "I should have saved this for Carson."

Ted: "Does EVERY drink in this place have a naughty name?"

Bryant: "Just the most popular ones."

//Clive, Trenton, and Carson enter// //Carson is now sporting a beautiful shiny shag, and a dreamy expression. He's also walking just a TINY bit bowlegged//

Clive: "I'm feeling a bit festive. Toddy, something with paper umbrellas, all around."

Toddy: "Three Sex on the Beach coming right up."

Ted: "I don't believe it. I can look at Carson's hair without wanting to pluck my eyes out."

Kyan: "Maybe now people will stop looking at Carson, then at me, then at Carson, then at me..."

Carson: "Enough, I get the picture."

//Clive and Trenton sit// //Carson starts to settle on the floor at Clive's feet//

//Clive catches him and steers him toward a chair//

Clive: "No, dear. Playtime's over."

Carson: "Can I get a standing appointment?"

Clive: "We'll see."

Jai: *whispers* "Carson, can we assume that more than a cut and style took place?"

Carson: *purrrrr*

Thom: "I haven't seen him like that since he came back from a week in Bermuda with his current sweetie, and ran smack into a half-price sale on cashmere."

Kyan: "Say, Clive, have you ever considered making a video? You know, Hair Care by Clive, or something like that. You could do an infomercial, maybe make a bundle."

Clive: "Dear, anything featuring my actual techniques could not be shown except on pay-per-view."

//Drinks come, and they all sip//

Clive: "Now, once again I'll ask. How in God's name did you lot end up coming to ME?"

Trenton: "Since it should be obvious to all and sundry now that Clive could easily be voted Man Least In Need of a Gay Make-over."

Carson: "It was a private commission. We thought that if it wasn't a present, then it was a practical joke."

Clive: "Who? I'd like to *ahem* thank them in person."

Carson: *pulls out check and examines it again* "His name seems to be Mixedpickles."

//Clive does this: O.O, then this >.<//

Clive: *takes hefty swig of his drink* "Well, Trenton, it looks like you're going to finally get to visit the Fortress of Solitude."

Trenton: *squeal!* "That's GREAT! But why?"

Clive: "Because Superman needs to let me use his little interdimensional hopper. It looks like Mixedpickles is still sore about my dangling him out the window by his heels." *wolf smile* "And I need to have a talk with him."


END