Author/pseudonym: saumi
Fandom: Queer As Folk
Pairing: Vince Tyler/Stuart Alan Jones
Rating: PG
Status: New/Complete
Archive: Yes. Please.
Feedback: saumi@peabrain.co.uk
Website: Series/Sequel: No.
Disclaimers: I don’t own these characters, wish I did. I presume that Channel 4 and Russell D. do.
Notes: This is obviously very much in the realms of fantasy – and his name probably isn’t Brian, but I just thought he looked like a Brian (you’ll know what I’m talking about when you read it)
Summary: An unbelievably happy ending after QAF2
Warnings: Spoilers for QAF2
Happy Ever After
by saumi
"Oh. My God." Vince stared, open-mouthed, at the letter in his hands, trying to make sense of the words.
Stuart rushed out of the shower and threw himself onto Vince, hugging him tight.
Bloody exhibitionist, thought Vince. And he’s all mine.
"Come join me in the shower." Stuart was smiling that smile, his eyes twinkling mischievously.
"What’s the point? You’ve made me wet enough already!"
"Yeah, and your mouth was opened like a goldfish too. What’s the terrible news?" Stuart nodded at the soggy letter in Vince’s hand.
"It’s not terrible news." Pause, then Vince cracked up laughing. "Well, it might be for the poor bloke, whoever he is …" He was laughing so hard, tears were rolling down his cheeks. Realising he wouldn’t get any coherent information from him, Stuart snatched the letter and began reading.
"Oh. My. God." Stuart, not Vince. "Hazel’s getting married?"
*****
"Hello, luv, it’s been ages since I’ve heard from you. How’s your fella?"
My fella. Vince couldn’t help grinning. Good thing I’m on the phone, he thought. Alexander can’t see what a twat I look like.
"Stuart’s fine. Is Hazel there?"
"Ooh yes, the blushing bride-to-be …"
"It’ll take more than you know to make me blush, sweetheart. Is that my son?" Alexander sighed in mock irritation.
"Oh well, luv, I suppose we’ll have to speak later." Distinct sound of plastic hitting the kitchen floor as the phone made its way from Alexander to Hazel.
"Clumsy git. Oh, hello, luv. How’s everything?"
"Yeah, everything’s fine." Pause. "So, aren’t you going to tell me who the lucky man is?" Hazel laughed. Vince couldn’t help smiling.. God, he missed that dirty chuckle. "Do I know him?"
"Well, er, I suppose you do …" Hazel was sounding sheepish.
"It is NOT Bernie!" Vince was seriously alarmed.
"NO! My God, how could you think that? No, it’s … Do you remember when you and Stuart left Manchester?"
"How could I forget? I ended up on the run from the police!"
"Yeah, you remember the one with the beard …"
"Yeah, the one you thumped? Hang on, you’re not telling me …"
"His name’s Brian Stroud, he’s a Pc … Vince?" Vince was rolling on the bed, howling with laughter. Stuart snatched the phone from Vince’s hand.
"Hazel, what on Earth did you tell him?"
"Hiya, kid. It’s been a long time since I heard your voice."
"I know. I’ve missed you." The voice was so soft, it was barely audible.
"You’d better be looking after my son."
"Don’t worry, he couldn’t be in better hands."
"Look, luv, I don’t want to know the gory details. Is that why he’s howling?" Stuart couldn’t help laughing.
"No, he’s howling because his harpy of a mother’s getting married to some poor, unsuspecting sod! What did you say to him?"
"Harpy?!"
"I’m not going to get any sense out of either of you, am I?"
"I’m sure Vince will explain …"
"Yeah, when he comes back to planet Earth. Hazel, we’re coming back for the wedding."
"If I’d known you’d do that, I’d have got married sooner."
*****
Vince was still gripping the arms of the chair tightly, his knuckles white.
"Vince, this plane is not going to crash."
"Yeah, so why are you so uptight?"
"Because, Vince, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you have been praying for the entire journey so far!"
"I’m not praying, Stuart!"
"So what are you muttering under your breath, then?" Vince blushed. God, he looked so adorable. Stuart couldn’t help leaning over and giving him a quick kiss. Vince’s grip on the chair visibly loosened.
"So who is this man Hazel’s marrying, then?" Vince began to giggle. Not again, thought Stuart. Seeing his bemusement, Vince tried to calm down.
"He’s a police officer," Vince began.
"A police officer? How the hell did Hazel get with a police officer?" Vince was off again.
"OK, OK, I’m calm now." Vince was desperately trying to control his breathing. "It happened like this. Remember when we left Manchester …"
Soon Stuart was the one in hysterics. The whole plane seemed to be looking at him, but he was too busy trying to breathe to care.
It could only happen in Hazel World.
*****
"Vince, Stuart, over here!"
"Alexander!" Vince dropped his bags and rushed into a hug. Stuart wasn’t far behind.
"Look at you, you’re both so tanned! I’m sure I’ve lost the car – there’s so many car parks around here, you wouldn’t believe. How’ve you been? I need to know everything."
Vince and Stuart looked at each other and smiled. "Not much to tell," said Vince.
"Oh really? That’s not what I heard." Honestly, thought Alexander, it is so easy to make Vince blush.
*****
Hazel flew out of the house to meet them.
"Hazel!" Vince exclaimed. "You look wonderful!" Hugs and kisses all round. Hazel couldn’t help being pleased. She’d never seen Vince – or Stuart, for that matter - so happy.
"Brian!" she yelled through the door. Vince and Alexander took the bags from the car and dragged them inside
"Ah, yes, we must meet your hapless victim."
"Stuart Alan Jones, I’ll have you know that Brian’s doing this of his own free will. In fact, he proposed without any prodding from me whatsoever."
"No prodding at all?"
"No prodding at all."
"You haven’t shagged him?" Stuart sounded astonished.
"I … What? Oh, is that what prodding means to you? What exactly have you been doing to my Vince?" They were both laughing. "Course I’ve shagged him. You don’t buy a car without taking it for a test drive first."
"So what’s he like?"
"He’s nice. Very sweet, decent salary …"
"I don’t mean like that."
"Oh, I see, you mean it like that. Yeah, he’s OK. I just close my eyes and think of the young Robert Redford."
"Butch Cassidy …"
"The Way We Were …"
"All The President’s Men ..." They both sighed.
"Of course it’s a bit hard, what with Brian’s beard and all that, but he says I can shave it off on our honeymoon." She grinned. "So if he puts a foot wrong, I’ll slit his throat!"
"God help the poor man. I have to meet him before he faces his doom."
"He’s just in the kitchen. Here, I’ll introduce you."
"Hazel." She stopped and turned to him. "You do want to marry him, don’t you?"
"If I didn’t, kid, I wouldn’t be doing it. You know me."
"I certainly do." Stuart couldn’t help smiling. "Hey, he knows about me and Vince, doesn’t he?"
"Oh yes. I’ve even taken him to some of the clubs – Via Fossa and the Union are his favourites."
"I think I’m beginning to like this Brian."
*****
"So that’s Stuart, is it?" Brian nodded out of the window.
"That’s him."
"I’m glad you got to him. If I’d known, I wouldn’t have given you that hassle."
"You wouldn’t have met Hazel."
"No." He couldn’t help grinning. Hazel Tyler was the best thing that had ever happened to him. She was so different from anyone else he’d ever met. So free. So … dippy. "You know, you get to that point in your life when you think, that’s it. I’m going to be alone forever. And then this amazing woman waltzes into my life-"
"And gives you an amazing left hook …" They both laughed.
"Yeah, that hurt for weeks. We’re lucky, you know. I’ve got Hazel, you’ve got Stuart. Some people go through their whole lives lonely." Yeah, I am lucky, thought Vince. Now, where the hell’s Stuart got to?
*****
Vince sat on the bed in his old room. The photos of him and Stuart were still there, covering the walls.
Hazel knocked softly and came in.
"So, what do you think?" she asked as she sat down beside him.
"He’s nice. You have my approval." They smiled.
"I’m glad you like him. And I’m glad you’re back."
"Me too." Pause. "So, who’s going to be at the wedding?"
"Oh, it’s only going to be a small affair. Bernie and Alexander will be there. Judith’s coming up from Macclesfield, she’s coming with Adrian. Janice will be my matron of honour – Nathan’s coming, because he says he won’t believe it unless he sees it with his own eyes!"
"I know what he means – I flew all the way here from America to see it."
"Cheeky sod! Where was I? Romey and Lisa are coming – they’re bringing Alfred along. Marie will be there, and I’ve invited Margaret and Clive. But I don’t know if they’ll come." Hazel and Vince looked at each other.
"Is Dudley coming?"
"I don’t know, luv. I’ve invited him. Vince?"
"Yeah?"
"Will you give me away?" Vince was surprised, but pleased at the request.
"I can’t let you walk down that aisle alone, can I?" Hazel realised just how much she’d missed her son.
"You know something, luv? You’re the most perfect thing I’ve ever done. And I wasn’t even trying."
"Hazel!" Her laugh was music to his ears.
*****
"We have to see Alfred."
"We’ll do it tomorrow."
"OK. Vince?" Vince moved closer to him. "Have you thought about settling down?"
"I think about it all the time. I’ve missed everyone, you know?"
"I know. Not least of all Hazel. I still can’t believe she’s getting married."
"So what do you think of Brian?"
"He’s all right. He’s managed to survive this long, hasn’t he?" They both laughed. "Vince, I’ve missed Alfred."
"I know you have. We’ll see him tomorrow."
*****
"Stuart!"
"Hello Romey." He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. "How’s my little fella?"
"Don’t be so patronising about Vince."
"There’s nothing little about Vince, Lisa." Hang on, thought Lisa. Stuart actually looks happy to see me.
"Well, you’d know that better than I would."
"Could you please not talk about me as if I wasn’t here?" Vince was blushing again.
"Where’s Alfred?"
*****
"Look at him, Vince. He’s grown so much! In such a short time."
"Babies tend to do that, don’t they?" Stuart couldn’t help feeling as though he’d been missing out. Alfred had grown so much, developed this whole tiny personality, and Stuart hadn’t been there to see it. Or be part of it.
"We’ll be downstairs." Romey knew a private moment when she saw one.
"I turn my back on him for one minute, and look at what he does."
"They all have to grow sometime, Stuart."
"I want to be here, Vince. I don’t want to miss out on any more of this. Besides, we have to rescue Alfred from the bad influence of the lesbians." Vince couldn’t help laughing as Stuart’s mood shifted from serious to playful.
"Yeah, I mean, he’s always surrounded by women. What if Alfred grows up to be straight?"
"My son, a heterosexual?"
"It could happen." Wish I had a camera, thought Vince. Stuart’s face is a pure Polaroid moment.
Stuart’s face changed as he thought more about the possibility.
"I wouldn’t mind. So long as he’s happy." He looked intently at Alfred. "What do you think? Doctor? Lawyer? Supermarket manager?" He grinned slyly at Vince.
"Nah. He looks like a hippy, without the hair."
"How’s that?"
"Look at him. He’s completely off his head." Stuart couldn’t help laughing. Vince said the craziest things sometimes.
"All babies look like that, Vince. It’s because he’s going to topple.." As if on cue, Alfred lurched onto his side and began to giggle. Stuart picked him up carefully. "Aren’t you gorgeous? Yes you are!"
Lisa looked in through the doorway, marvelling at Stuart’s transformation.. Vince saw her there.
"Hiya!" Damn! Why did you have to see me, Vince? How am I supposed to get a glimpse of the new, improved Stuart now?
"Hi. Er, Romey’s just had a ton of shopping delivered, and she was wondering if you could help …"
"Of course, no problem." Vince was already heading downstairs. Lisa and Stuart watched him go.
"So Stuart …"
"Lisa…" Weird. For the first time, it didn’t feel as if battle lines were being drawn.
"You’re not bored of shagging Vince, then?"
"It’s not all about shagging."
"My God." Lisa was genuinely impressed. "I think Vince has performed a miracle."
*****
"It’s nice, this." Vince looked around the scene of pure domesticity, his eyes settling on Stuart with Alfred in his lap.
"Mmm," Stuart murmured in agreement. "We never did buy that house together." He looked at Vince. "I don’t want to leave again."
"Me neither." The doorbell rang.
"I’ll get it," called Hazel. The babble of voices filled the house. Stuart turned to see Margaret and Clive standing in the hallway. He looked helplessly at Vince.
"It’s OK," Vince said reassuringly, even though he knew it wasn’t. Stuart had hardly left on best terms with his parents. He hadn’t even phoned while he was in America with Vince. And now they were here and he’d have to face them.
Finally, his mother appeared in the doorway.
"Hello, Stuart." Margaret was clearly nervous. "You look very tanned."
"Vince and I took a little trip round America."
"That’s nice." An awkward silence seemed to grow. Vince rose from his chair.
Don’t leave me now, Vince. Please don’t leave me. You know I can’t face her alone.
"I’ve got some errands to run," Vince said awkwardly as he left the room.
Bastard.
Stuart held Alfred close, his only defence. Margaret recognised the barriers coming up – she’d seen this before.
"Stuart, love, you’re my son …" He saw the tears welling up in her eyes, felt the anger and the hurt melt away, leaving a dull ache behind.
"You’re my son," she continued. "And I didn’t know. I feel like I was the last person on Earth to know. Hazel knew. Marie knew. Even your father knew, for God’s sake, he just never had the guts to say so … What sort of mother does that make me?" Stuart shook his head.
What the hell am I supposed to say?
"It’s not your fault." Great, Stuart. Is that all you can come up with?
"You never seemed … gay." Stuart felt a sense of relief that he wasn’t the only one having a problem expressing himself. "It’s just that – in the movies, you know, the gay man always has a woman best friend. Like Rupert Everett and Julia Roberts …" They were both laughing now, at the sheer absurdity of the situation. The ice had finally broken.
"That’s Hollywood, Mum." Mum. He hadn’t said that word for a long time. "It’s hardly real life."
"Now, see, if you’d been friendly with Julia Roberts-"
"You’d be name-dropping ‘til kingdom come!" She felt like his mother again. "Anyway, Rupert Everett’s not a real gay man. He spends far too much time with Madonna to have any credibility."
*****
"Looks like they’re sorting things out OK," Clive sighed as he observed his wife and his son from the garden.
"So you’ll be coming to the wedding?"
"Of course, Hazel. I need to see this with my own eyes." He smiled. Hazel was getting indignant.
"Why does everyone keep saying that?"
"You never looked like the marrying kind, that’s all. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you."
"You’d need a lot more than that to offend me, luv." Clive wandered to the gate.
"So Vince is giving you away, then?"
"Yes, bless him."
*****
"Vince, calm down."
"Where the hell is it?"
"You’re going to give yourself a heart attack!"
"I don’t fucking care! Are you just going to stand there or are you going to help me?"
"What are you looking for, anyway?"
"The list! Catering, flowers – What?"
"You are NOT her father."
"I’m giving her away!" Stuart wrapped his arms around Vince.
"You ever seen Father Of The Bride? Not the remake with Steve Martin, that was crap, the original with Spencer Tracy?"
"Oh. My. God. You’re right. What the hell’s happening to me?"
"You’re going crazier, Vince."
*****
"So everything’s all right with Mum and Dad now."
"Yeah, no thanks to Vince."
"You had to sort that one out on your own, Stuart."
"Fuck off, Marie."
"Oh, I’ve missed that." They smiled. Marie had missed that. Stuart became aware of a small presence in the doorway.
"Uncle Stuart." Thomas entered the room tentatively.
"I’ve got to drop Ben to a friend’s house. He’s going to a birthday party. Could you-"
"Yeah, no problem."
It was just Stuart and Thomas alone in the house now.
"What were you saying, kid?"
"Uncle Stuart," Thomas began.
"For the last time, don’t call me Uncle!"
"Sorry, Stuart, I … Did I make you run away?" Stuart stared at the boy and desperately fought the urge to laugh as he saw the look of contrition in Thomas’ eyes.
"No, Thomas, I had already planned to run away," he said, trying to sound serious.
"Really?"
"Really."
"So we can come round your house again?"
"When I get one, yeah."
"That’s cool." I know what you’re saying, kid. Good to see that the Jones inability to apologise has been successfully passed on to the next generation.
*****
"So, tomorrow’s the big day."
"Yep."
"Stop trembling, Vince. Everything’s gonna be fine." Vince turned to face Stuart.
"I keep having these nightmares that everything goes wrong. Like, the rings get lost, or the car breaks down and we don’t get to the church, or I can’t walk down the aisle …"
"Father Of The Bride …"
"Shut up, you!" He slapped Stuart gently. They heard muffled noises coming from the next bedroom.
"Oh no." Although it was dark, Stuart was sure that Vince was blushing..
"Sounds like one hell of a prenuptial agreement going on there."
"They do sound like they’re having fun," Vince agreed.
"Well, Hazel’s a very good kisser." Vince rolled over and pinned Stuart down beneath him.
"How the hell do you know that?" he demanded.
"Well, Judith’s wedding, y’know, it just kind of happened …"
"You snogged my mother?" Vince began to laugh. "Oh. My. God!"
"Hey!" Stuart was pissed off with the response, to say the least. "Aren’t you jealous?"
"Why on Earth should I be jealous?" Vince was rolling around laughing. "She’s a woman! She’s my mother!" He was off his head again. Stuart couldn’t help laughing with him.
"And you’re not even on drugs."
Vince looked into Stuart’s eyes. "Don’t need drugs to make me high." He pulled Stuart close. "I’m not gonna get any sleep tonight, am I." The cries in the next room were getting louder.
"Well, in that case, you won’t object to-"
"Stuart!"
"But they’re doing it," he protested, as he began to nuzzle Vince’s ear. Vince knew he couldn’t argue against persuasion like that.
*****
"Everything’s running smoothly. Everything’s running smoothly." Vince was repeating this like a mantra, under his breath.
"Vince!"
"Judith! You look fantastic!" They exchanged kisses. "How’s married life treating you?"
"Oh, it’s great, we’re trying for a baby. Look at you, all tanned! ADRIAN! Where the hell has he got to? Where’s Stuart, I’m dying to see him!"
"He’s in there with Hazel. She’s putting on her wedding dress, so if you see Brian, he’s not allowed in, OK? STUART!"
"What?"
"Come out and say hi to Judith."
"You sound like an old married couple yourself," Judith said cheekily.
"For God’s sake don’t let Stuart hear that!"
"I won’t, don’t worry." She grinned as Stuart emerged from the room. Her smile turned to a look of anxiety as she saw the tears in Stuart’s eyes. "Are you all right, sweetheart?"
"She looks beautiful," whispered Stuart. "Vince, she wants to see you." Stunned by Stuart’s behaviour, Vince went inside.
"Oh. My. God." Hazel shifted nervously.
"Come on then, be honest. How do I look?"
"Stuart was right," whispered Vince.
"Oh yeah? What’s the little bastard been saying about me? I’ll sort him out."
"You look beautiful." Vince held out his hand to her. "You ready?"
"Ready as I’ll ever be." She took his hand. "If he’s not at the church, I’ll clout him." Grinning reassuringly at each other, they made their way to the car.
*****
"Stuart Alan Jones."
"Nathan! My God, you look all grown up."
"I couldn’t miss this."
"I know what you mean. Can you believe it?"
"I missed you." I missed you too. Go on, Stuart. It’s only four words, you can say it.
Pause.
"I missed you too."
"Wow. Lisa was right. Vince has performed a miracle."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"You could never have said that last time I saw you." Stuart couldn’t help smiling. The boy knew him too well.
"So how are you?"
"Oh, y’know, still looking for my Vince." Nathan smiled slyly. "But there’s plenty of others to keep me occupied in the meantime."
"What about school?"
"It’s cool. I’m thinking about going to art school. My teacher says I can do it if I want to." He looked at Stuart sheepishly. "So it looks like all those pictures I drew of you came good in the end."
"Hello darlings!" Trust Alexander to destroy the moment. "Have you seen everyone?"
"Yeah," said Stuart. "Why is everyone dressed in black? It’s like a bloody funeral."
"We’re mourning the loss of Hazel Tyler as we know it. Her, sorry. As we know her. It’s what she would have wanted, luv." And with that, he was off again.
*****
"See, that went all right, didn’t it?"
"It did." Vince’s voice was heavy with relief. "And you were a good boy, weren’t you, Alfred?" The baby gurgled in reply. "I tell you something, though. I am NOT doing that again."
"So you don’t fancy the idea of traipsing down the aisle? That’s probably a good thing."
"Well, I’ve never even kissed a woman, have I? Unlike some!"
"It meant nothing to me."
"Obviously."
"I was thinking of you the whole time!"
"Bollocks you were!"
I was thinking of you the whole time, Vince. The whole seventeen years I’ve known you. But you’ve known that all along, haven’t you?
The end (finally)