Struggles

by Patt Paulos-Darrow

More Survivor Poetry.

This is more like a story than poetry.

Warnings:Normal warnings that come along with dyfunctional families. Sad, but true.

Summary:How I used to be, how I am now. Or when I wrote this anyhow.



Struggles
by Patt Paulos-Darrow

My mind seems to be working overtime lately.
And I have no idea of what to do.
I am forty years old, and still am afraid of almost everything.
Two men did this to me, and I will never be able to forget it.
People think, by meeting you, they understand all about you.
How very wrong, could they be?
They have no idea of what horror, I have been through in my life-time.
Would they have guessed that I was molested for eight years by one of my brothers?
I imagine they have no idea of how it feels to never have anyone to talk to about it.
Not, that I would want anyone to be able to feel what I do, I don't wish that on anyone.
Not your parents, friends, or any of the family members.
I am afraid of everything, and the idea of causing problems, is worse than the silence.
And when I was twelve years old, I was raped by a man that was as old as my dad.
Again, I had no one to turn to, or talk out my problems.
Back then, people thought that you brought all of this on yourself.
How wrong they are and they should feel the sadness, I feel just for one day.
But all of this is my problem, and I have to work on it alone.
It is time to think of just me and try to get better.
I may need outside help, because look how long I am carrying this with me.
I welcome the help, it will be like a burden is lifted.
Otherwise I would have to spend the rest of my life just like this.
So it is time to take control of my life.
First I will be sure to stay away from alcohol, since I am an alcoholic.
Second, I will teach myself to swim and show everyone that I can be strong.
Next, I will try to conquer the fear of heights.
I must try to stop smoking, for my sake and my family's.
I will not look at the floor when people talk to me.
I am as good as them and they don't think they are better than me, why should I?
I can look them in the face and feel good about myself.
My husband does love me and is not just feeling sorry for me.
I am worthy of his love, and must learn to accept it.
My children are wonderful, no matter what other peoples children do better than ours.
I do not have to impress anyone, from this point on.
I will start loving myself, and in turn will love my husband and children more, too.
This could be a great year, and I plan on following this up, in five years.
Well, I am forty-five now, and I have alot to add to this.
I did stay away from Alcohol.
I did stop smoking five years ago.
I did teach myself to swim, and I love it.
I love going on roller coaster rides and things that are high, so I guess I am better, with heights.
I do love my family more.
I do love my husband more than he can imagine.
I am not so afraid, and will continue to try to get better.
It has taken a long time to get here, but I did not mind.
I hope this will help anyone who has a life like mine.



Patt Paulos-Darrow ©1998