On the Edge of a Waking Dream
A Matrix fic
by Destina Fortunato

Sleep. An invaluable commodity in the real world. Neo had come to appreciate every peaceful moment, to welcome simplicity with the gratitude only a frantic man can understand. Too often, he was without the honest pleasure of quiet oblivion. It eluded him, dodged him when he tried to retreat into the world of dreams. He knew everything, finally, after a lifetime of ignorance -- there was no escape. The truth should have brought him some relief, but he felt oddly troubled by the responsibility of holding the knowledge.

Too much stimulation. So many realizations, leaving him with nowhere to turn, and nothing to fall back on. He curled into himself with a sigh, eyes wide open, staring into the chasm of his own fascination. It was easy to wish for things he couldn't reach. Fantasies were sometimes his only refuge...he craved them, invented them, lived inside them. Better than the Matrix, because it was his own imagination, his own will - not the inventions of the machines, meant to keep humanity content and asleep.

When the lights went dim all over the ship to simulate the sleep cycle, he snapped out of deep sleep. Something about the dim glow of the night shift lighting brought him to consciousness against his will. He supposed his mind was tricking him into alertness, but he didn't understand the reasons why. Just like the previous night, he found a tray with protein soup and water on the floor. Someone, Tank or Trinity perhaps, was determined to make sure he was taken care of. He found himself oddly touched, and grateful for the small kindness.

Neo sat up and huddled under a blanket while he sipped the water in the dark. He would live a bleak existence from that moment forward, and the thought of it was strangely neutral. It was bizarre to think he would be most alive in an artificial place, on missions inside the Matrix. The irony was enough to bring a tiny smile to his face.

The ship was cold and quiet, much like his own body. He reached beneath the blankets and traced the disfiguring marks on his skin, the signals of ownership left by his captivity. Holes...portals of deception. Never again. He would find a way to ensure no one ever believed the machines again. Even if the cost was too high to imagine...

Without warning, the door swung open slowly. Morpheus came into the room, his large frame obscuring the faint light from the corridor as he shut the door. Strange how the boundaries of privacy seemed to be unimportant here, as though they had all lived their lives behind artificial barriers for far too long.

The two men looked at one another without speaking. Morpheus' dark eyes were filled with regret and uncertainty.

"Have you slept?" Morpheus asked.

Neo shook his head, avoiding the older man's eyes. It wouldn't do to have Morpheus think he was weak, or worse, that he couldn't accept what was happening. Already Neo was learning so fast that his brain felt stretched, bent into the necessary configuration for the knowledge he was acquiring. He didn't want to let his savior down. Not if there was a way to do what must be done.

Slowly, the larger man approached, settling on the edge of the hard metal bunk and reaching out with one hand to smooth his fingers across the bruise on Neo's cheek. Morpheus whisked the blanket aside and expertly appraised his physical condition. Fingers traveled the edges of his ribs, examining the fading contusions there.

Neo shivered as the long fingers were laid flat along the smooth planes of his body, asking permission, tacitly taking possession.

"You're not healing as fast as I'd like," Morpheus observed, his tone shadowed with concern.

"I'm all right. The pain isn't keeping me awake," Neo said, and winced when he realized what he had betrayed.

"What, then?" Morpheus asked, without removing the warm hands that seemed curiously comforting.

"Too much to think about," Neo said. "I don't want to make a mistake. It's too important."

"You will only make mistakes if you deny your body, and your mind, the rest they crave." Morpheus drew back, tugging down the sweatshirt, and stood. "Come. There's something that may quiet your mind and make it possible for you to sleep."

Neo nodded and followed Morpheus out into the corridor. Most of the crew were already asleep, but they passed Cypher, immersed in the Matrix, looking at long, flowing lines of code. In the tech center, they found Tank, cleaning the equipment and screens, debugging programs. He looked up as they approached, favoring them both with a grin.

"Not training you hard enough, are we, Neo?" he asked, chuckling.

"On the contrary," Neo said. "My mind is a little too active."

"Load this," Morpheus instructed, handing Tank a disk without a label. They locked eyes for a moment. A gaze of perfect understanding passed between them as Neo watched, confused by the silent interaction. Tank gave a short nod of assent as Morpheus gripped his shoulder for a moment.

Without being told he should, Neo settled back into one of the chairs, and Morpheus' hand rested against his chest as he was plugged in without fanfare, hardwired into the system. He watched Tank hook up Morpheus, and a moment later, there was a blinding flash of pain...

He found himself in a garden, tranquil and serene, filled with the scent of lotus blossoms and the sound of running water. Some part of Neo's mind marveled at the fact he would swear it all was real...and some part of him resented like hell the fact that it wasn't.

"What is this place?" he asked, taking a few steps. The grass squished wetly beneath his feet, and he realized he had no shoes. Smiling a little, he wiggled his toes against the damp turf and hiked up his gi.

"This is a place which no longer exists, except within the confines of this program," Morpheus answered. "I recreated it from old drawings, from ancient texts I've read. It's one of the few peaceful places we have, where we can feel free to meditate and draw strength from our surroundings."

"You mean, one of the few peaceful programs," Neo said, unable to keep the dry bitterness from creeping into his tone.

"You will learn, Neo, that reality is freedom, but fantasy is sometimes redemption." Morpheus looked somberly at him. "Walk with me."

Neo did as he was told, keeping pace with the larger man as he strolled through the curving pathways. For a time, they moved through the gardens in silence. Every so often, Neo would look at Morpheus, wondering how he had found the will to accomplish the impossible, to keep searching for a savior who most likely didn't exist. And how he managed to separate the inside of the program from the reality that threatened his survival at every moment.

As though he read Neo's mind, Morpheus turned slightly to look at him, without breaking stride. "You are not asking the right questions," he warned, smiling an enigmatic smile. "We are what we imagine we are, when we are in the Matrix. The scope of what we will become is limited by what we believe. You have the power, and now you must take it. You must-"

"Free my mind, I know," Neo interrupted. "You make it sound simple, but it's not." He looked around at the strangely still gardens, devoid of the singing of birds, or the whispering touch of a breeze. "I know it isn't real. I believe what you're telling me. I just don't know how to accept that this is the best there is, and I can't have it, that I have to live in a place where there's no hope." He hesitated. "I don't want to go back...but I guess...I want it both ways."

"The dreamer becomes the dream," Morpheus murmured. "You are the bringer of hope, Neo. I'm certain of it. You must find the will within yourself, to make the dream reality."

"Why are you sure?" Neo asked suddenly, frustrated. "How am I so different from you? You are..." he reached for words and found them inadequate. "I can't do what you can do."

"Then do what you can do." Morpheus studied him, and Neo felt himself catching fire with the heat of that gaze. "You need only step outside what is known, and conquer your fear of what lies beyond. Everything else is secondary."

Neo nodded, suddenly feeling as though he were lost inside a metaphysical tone poem, dissonant and jumbled, and encoded in a language he was not meant to read. "I can't feel anything," he said softly, and suddenly he realized his words reflected the ultimate truth. His legs and arms were bloodless...but of course they were bloodless, since it was all illusion, created to fool the mind and deceive the senses. Without a sound, he collapsed onto the stone pathway, heaving shuddering breaths of...what? Air? But there was no air...panic rushed up on the edges of his awareness, suffocating him.

Morpheus was beside him, but not beside him, though the touch of his hand felt real enough against his face, and his body felt strong enough against the boneless shell of his cyber-self. And the pressure of his lips against Neo's...that was real, too, but so unexpected, so far from the center of the maze that Neo could not work his way back, and he surrendered.

Desire rushed through him, pulling him back to the moment, to the soft exploration of his mouth, the insistent question in the kiss. Sparks were shooting through veins that connected digital thought, pushed through him by the beat of a heart that could be stilled with a single whim. He wavered on the edge of clarity.

"Now you are beginning to see," Morpheus said quietly, releasing him. "If you fool yourself, trick yourself into imagining, doors will open for you. Not self-delusion...self-preservation. Not unlike life out there, where there is nothing between you and reality, aside from your dreams."

Neo said nothing for a moment, but the presence of the man next to him suddenly felt like truth of the purest sort. He raised his startled eyes to the larger man's, and asked quietly, "Is this what you brought me here for? To show me how what I imagine out there can be what I feel...in here?"

"Partly," Morpheus said, reaching out with one hand to stroke gently across the frown marring Neo's face. "And to help you to understand that many things can be possible, in the life you have been given. All that's required is that you reach for them."

The words shimmered with a light Neo could almost see, and he reached out one hand to trace Morpheus' lips. "You'll teach me," he said, and the words were both a question and a demand. "Tank," he said, without looking away. "Please get us out of here."

The world began to melt around him.

A split second of neural overload and Neo was back in the guise of flesh and blood, and Morpheus was removing the leads, helping him to sit up. Tank was nowhere to be seen, and amusement flashed across his face, answered in the warmth of Morpheus' smile.

He leaned forward and lifted his face, closing the tiny space between them, brushing his lips across Morpheus', feeling the shudder of anticipation all the way through his body as the larger man's lips parted, making way for him. They joined, mouths fusing in mutual need, connected in the most basic way.

Neo moved, aware on some level it was the first time he had really been touched in such a fashion. His first kiss...he deepened it, and was rewarded with strength as Morpheus caught his neck in a curved hand, pulling him close, pausing at the soft breath of surprise and delight Neo exhaled.

And then suddenly, Neo found himself gently disentangled, set aside for a moment.

"You must be certain this is what you wish," Morpheus said, his deep voice cutting through the haze surrounding Neo's senses.

"I want to be free," Neo said, determined.

"Then we will explore that freedom together...tomorrow." Morpheus put out a hand and helped Neo up, allowing their bodies to linger close for a moment before moving away. "This has been a great deal for your mind to accept, and I don't want to push too far into territory you aren't prepared to enter."

"In the meantime?" Neo asked, feeling the familiar frustration creep up on him.

"Sleep," Morpheus answered. "Allow your mind its own pathways in the darkness, and let it lead you."

"All right," he agreed, knowing that uncertainty was creeping into his voice again, and hating it.

They looked at one another a moment more, until Morpheus stepped away. "Good night, Neo." He turned and disappeared into the darkness, leaving Neo standing alone beside the apparatus of his nightmares, the forum through which he entered the waking dreams of a million minds.

He stood immobile in the dim light, shivering, and wondered how he would know if this world were the inside of a dream.

The thought kept him awake all night.


END