Title: "FOREVER LOST"

Author: Lengliorla Goldenleaf

Betareader: MJ

FOREVER LOST
By Lengliorla Goldenleaf

(PIPPIN'S POW)

I've always loved him, you know, and why shouldn't I? I mean he is my cousin, my partner in mischief and my best friend. He's the one that laughs at my jokes even if they aren't a bit funny and the one that comforts me when I'm sad or hurt. He is always there for me, especially when I get myself into deeper trouble then I can handle. Then he comes; he stands by my side and shares my punishment, even if he is innocent. So why shouldn't I love him? I'm sure you all would love a person that means and does so much for you as Merry does for me. There's nothing wrong with that is there? No, Who am I trying to fool? It's not the fact that I love him that's the problem, it's the fact that I'm "in love" with him and THAT changes the whole situation, doesn't it?

I always loved him for all the reasons I've already told you about and a million, no a billion, more reasons that I don't even understand myself. But it was only a few minuets ago I realized that I was in love with him.

It was a wedding you see. Who's wedding isn't really important, let's just say that it is a distant kin to the Baggins, and also to Merry and me, that married a probably even more distant kin.

It was at the party after the ceremony and I was wandering around and looked for Merry. I thought maybe we could do some fun together like make "apple pie beds" in the guestquarters or something. But when I founded him I realized that he wouldn't be interested in mischief. He sat in a small meadow, his back against the trunk of a nearby tree and he wasn't alone. Quickly, I hid myself under some bushes.

At his side, more or less sitting on his knee, was a beautiful lass. She was kissing him passionately on his neck as her fingers worked at the buttons of his shirt. I felt my jaw drop and my cheeks and ears burn, but it wasn't the lass I was looking at, it was him: my Merry. He had his head tilted
backwards, his lips slightly parted, and I could see him licking his lips with his tongue. His cheeks were red and his eyelids fluttered.

I started to think about how it would fell to kiss those lips, to touch his skin in a whole different way. Without even thinking, I started to touch myself, ran my hand over my chest and stomach, the other hand caressing my own face. I kissed my palm and pretended it was Merry's lips. I wanted it to be his lips; I wanted to be the one he kissed. The one who kissed him and whispered how much I love him in his ear. And then it struck me: Yes, I do love him, I'm in love with him. But I can't be, it's wrong, a male hobbit shouldn't love another male. And I couldn't tell him, Merry would only be disgusted and the other hobbits would scorn me. Suddenly, the feelings overwhelmed me and I started to sob - a little too loud.

The lass stopped seducing Merry and looked straight at my hiding place.

- "Merry", she said quietly "someone is spying on as, there in the bush". She pointed at my direction. Merry rose from the ground and walked towards me.

- "Nobody has the right to spy on us!" Merry said angrily and stuck his strong hands into the bush. He gripped my arm so hard that it hurt, and dragged me out from my hiding place. "Now let's see who's hiding." and then he looked at me

- "Pippin", he said overwhelmed by shock. I looked back at him I knew I had my whole heart and soul in my eyes but I couldn't hide it. "What...why..." He looked angry now. I felt tears fill my eyes, turned around and ran. I heard him call my name, but I just continued running.

And now I can't go home. I can't face him ever again. I can't bear to see his disgust, his anger, maybe even his hate. You know, I've always loved him, and why shouldn't I? He is my cousin, my partner in mischief and my best friend - and now I've lost him forever!

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INTERLUDE:

"The only thing I can say, is that: 'You are my everything!'..." I Put the pen down and look at my poem, my poem to Merry. My tears are falling upon it.

I sit at the table in the hole that I share with Merry and drink beer. Of course; that's nothing strange,I've been drinking before. But back then, it was to have a good time with good friends, and then probably end up unconscious in a ditch or something. This time it is different, this time I
drink for the single cause of becoming unconscious. But for some stupid reason, it doesn't work. I'm as sober now as I was when I started drinking.

Every time I close my eyes, I see his face, I see the anger flash in his eyes, and in my mind I see his face turn into a grimace of disgust. I throw the empty cup away and rise from the chair and wipe my tears away.

I know what I have to do now. I must leave, maybe forever.

But before I go, he has to know what I feel. I take the tearstained poem and put it on his bedside table where I know he would find it. Then I leave.

DEAREST MERRY! *
You're my support, my source of energy
You're my will and my comfort.
You make my heart swell with pride
And love to rise and grow in my chest

And when you are hurt, and you seek my comfort,
You make me feel strong when I support you
You fill me with eagerness and encourage me,
You're my inspiration and my passion.

You are the light that shines in my world,
When darkness is ruling inside me.
You are the darkness that lets me rest my eyes,
When the light in my life is blinding Me.

You are my soul mate and my love forever
You are my hope, my joy and my peace
Promise me that you will always be near me
Today and tomorrow and to eternity

How can I, in words, even try to explain,
How much I love you and everything you are?
How much I want to be with you, forever and always.
The only thing I can say, is that:
'You are my everything!'

As I walk, I remember Pippin's behavior the day before. That look in his eyes. I still don't believe it. He hasn't even looked at her before and now he acts like this.

I mean, if he was in love with her, he could have said that to me earlier when I told him that I would ask her out. But no, he hasn't said a word about her and now he acts like this.

I feel myself become angry again. And then I remember that I told him that I only asked her out to be nice, that I wasn't in love with her. And now, this!

Suddenly, I find myself outside our door.

I call his name as I open the door, but no one answers me.

"Pippin, where are you?" I search the rooms one by one, but I guess he's still out, so I decide to go to bed.

As I sit down on the bed, my eyes fall on the bedside-table. There's a piece of paper on it. I can't remember if it was there yesterday.

It looks like a poem, Almost automatically, I pick it up and start to read. As I read, I feel my heartbeat increase, my face go red and my eyes fill with tears.

"Pippin. Oh, dear." I read it over and over again, still unable to fully realize the meaning of it, my thoughts spinning. "It's me he loves, not her. It's me. He loves me!"

Then I see the 'PS' at the bottom of the letter.

'I'm sorry if I offended you. I understand if you don't want to see me anymore. I don't think I can stand the fact that you hate me: So I've decided to go. I don't know where. Don't come and look for me.' / P."

"No," I whisper, "It can't be. He can't be gone." I start to sob uncontrollably. "Oh Pippin,"I hiccup through my sobs, "I don't hate you, I love you, too. I love you, too."


end


THE POEM IN SWEDISH


DU ÄR

Du är mitt stöd och min energikälla,
Du är min vilja och du är min tröst
Du får mitt hjärta att av stolthet svälla,
Och kärlek att översvämma mitt bröst

Du söker hos mig den tröst som jag giver
Får mig känna mig stark när jag ger dig stöd,
Du fyller mig med den djupaste iver,
Du är min inspiration och min glöd.

Du är det livsljus som varmt mot mig strila,
Då nattsvarta mörkret tycks rå inom mig
Du är mitt mörker som låter mig vila,
När ljuset mig bländar på livsfärdens stig.

Du är min själsfrände, och evigt kära,
Du är mitt hopp, du min glädje och frid.
Lova mig att alltid var mig nära:
Idag och i morgon och för evig tid.

Hur skall jag kunna i ord här förklara,
Hur mycket jag älskar dig och din gestalt,
Hur gärna jag alltid hos dig nu vill vara.
Jag kan bara säga att:
"Du är mitt allt"

END