Opening Rounds
by Valdron
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LEXX's beam lashes out, destroying asteroids in its path in a series of colourful explosions. Moya darts in among the flying debris. LEXX moves forward, pieces of rock bouncing off his armoured hide. Moya flees, but is confined to the Solar System. Sooner or later LEXX will corner her.

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Elsewhere, Crichton and Stan are arguing with omnipotent powers.

"AHLL RAGHT THEN, HOW 'BOUT THIS, A CASE OF SOUTHERN COMFORT TO THA WINNER!"

"No," Stan replies.

"Uh uh," Crichton says.

"A BILLION CONFEDERATE DOLLARS!!!"

"No way!"

"Tell it to someone who doesn't know how that war turned out!"

"A TRILLION CONFEDERATE DOLLARS!!!"

"Listen," Stan said, "forget it. We know how these things always turn out."

"Yeah," Crichton put in, "a fight to the death? Someone is sure to get hurt..."

"And it usually ends up being me!!!!" Crichton and Stan chorused together.

"GENNELMEN!!!! CONSIDER YOURSELVES, DIS MISSED, AND NOT IN A BIBLICAL WAY!!!"

Stan and Crichton shimmer and vanish. Stan only has time to look over at Crichton and shrug.

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Whell Gennelmen, this is surely a disappointing start.

That it is, Jim Bob, why this is like going to a New Orleans cathouse for a little Bo Peep, and bein' put in a room with a sheep.

Amen, I been there brother.

What can you do in a situation like that?

You make do, Jim Bob, you just gotta make do.

Although, Gennelmen, I would like to say that them thar sheep have the luvliest brown eyes you ever did see.

And they is so soft, too. Why I could jest-

GENNELMENS!!!! WE IS GETTING OFF THE TOPIC HERE!!!

Oh... (ahem) sorry Jim Bob. So uhm, whut we gonna do about this here revolting situation. Have you got a, shall we say, contingency plan.

SHET YOUR MOUTH, BILLY BOB!!! I will have you know I is as regular as a picket fence. You could set your watch to my bowel movements! Honestly, I expect this sort of stuff outta Bob Bob.

I do humbly apologize, Jim Bob.

Thet you should do, Billy Bob. Does your Mama know you is walking around saying words like Contingency. It is enough to make her boil your grits!

I am morticiaficated Jim Bob.

Whell, much as I am enjoying the sight, in a purely non biblical way of course, of Jim Bob takin a whuppin. And I must stress that my Baby Jesus has not risen up at all, if you know what I mean. But Jim Bob, Billy Bob, we has got a problem here. Whut should we be doing next?

Whell, I would favour putting Stan up against D'Argo!

Are you as mental as a bullfrog in a cajun restaurant, Billy Bob? This is Xev and Aeryn all over again. D'Argo is a trained warrior. Stan is a security guard, why he is no better than a shopping mall parking lot attendent!!!

Ahem....

Sorry, Bob Bob. For you all members of the audience, I must hasten to advertisement to you that shopping mall parking lot attendants is a noble and honourable trade requiring a high degree of skill and training and extremely befitting to an honourable southron gennelmen of the highest water.

Thank you for that claricefication, in a non Silence of the Lambs kind of way Jim Bob. But with respect to your last comment, I have never had a problem with my bodily fluids.

Getting back to the discussion gennelmen, I agrees that D'Argo would go through Stan like a chain saw through a watermelon.

Mmmmm you is reminding me of the county fair, Billy Bob.

Bhut isn't that the point, by which I mean to say, the purposelike. We could teach Stan a lesson, all permanent like.

I see's your point, Billy Bob. Let us go for it. Stan is gonna get educated to death!

Wait Gennelmen, wait wait! Think about what you are doing.

Whut is it, Bob Bob?

Whell, it strikes me that D'Argo and Stan have a bit too much in common.

Like they is both wearing red. Thet don't mean nothing, Bob Bob. Why I has a red velvet ballroom gown that I-

Billy Bob!

Nothin! You was saying, Bob Bob?

Well, as I recall, Stan was a prisoner on thet thar cluster for eight years.

Yes'm thet is true.

And D'Argo, he was a prisoner of them PK for eight years also.

Is thar something you are leading up to, Bob Bob?

Whell, gennelmen, it is striking me powerful hard that when you put two long term felony type prisoners together in a physical like way, and one of them is big and tough, and the other ain't so big and tough, you are likely to have an outbreak of greco roman wrasslin, minus the roman part.

Exploding Catfish!!! That be sounding unpleasantly fellatious. Stan has already been the incipient of sech treatment, has he not? I would bet my third testicle on this'n fact.

You has a third testicle, Jim Bob?

Won it in a poker game, Gennelmen. If'n you ever needs to collect, you will find I have left it in the custody of a seven foot tall football player of the negro persuading named Bubba. Jest explain what you has come for and he will be happy to oblige you. Maybe.

Thet is not a collection I would be interested in making anytime soon,
bhut thank you, Jim Bob.

Gennelmen, do we really wanna listen to an extended swine calling session? Cause I am mighty suspiciouslike, thet if we be puttin' them two together, well, let's jest say that tires are gonna be rotated, flowers are gonna be arranged, and floors are gonna be waxed in a thoroughly biblical way.

You are totally right for once, Bob Bob. We as manly, but not that sort of manly, southron gennelmen cannot countenance the rate of exchange of bodily fluids from identical parts. Our warranty would expirate. This isn' not gonna happen.

Thank you, Gennelmen. So, what we gonna do for back up, and by back up, I am making no poopoo-rectual allusions at all.

How about this: Crichton versus Xev.

How you figure that's gonna work. Crichton is a big strong he man, who won't fight. Xev is just a little slip.

You forget, Gennelmen, Xev is part cluster lizard, givering her added strength and mean. She is a man eater in more than one way!

Jim Bob, I am awed!

Thank you, Gennelmen.

Stay tooned for the next postal submission (in a non biblical way).

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And out in space, LEXX once again destroys a planet. And once again, Moya escapes at the last instant.

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END