Introductions Is Made

by Valdron
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Whell ever-one, whelcome back to our little show. I'm Jim Bob Turhok, this here is Billy Bob Truculent, and on color commentaterizing is Bob Bob Roberts.

Hidey Ho, Neighbors.

It is might pleasurable to be back, as they say.

Jim Bob, Billy Bob, I am mighty happy to be jawing away with you all, but I think I speak for our loyal audience when I say we's want to see blood.

Well, Bob Bob, we aim to please:

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Deep space, LEXX as it turns to destroy a world, briefly shimmers and vanishes. Seconds later, a horde of mantrid drones converge on the area... but there's no sign of their adversary.

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In a huge stadium, the crew of the LEXX materializes. Kai, reawakened abruptly from suspended animation catches himself abruptly, and then gazes about with calm attention.

Lyekka turns to Stan and smiles.

"Hello Stanley, it is good to see you."

Stan smiles back.

"It's good to see you too, Lyekka. Are you hungry?"

"No Stanley, I am not hungry. I do not know why I have awakened."

"It's obviously all Tweedle's fault," 790 shrieks. "Kai!!! Kill him now so we can go back to the LEXX."

"There is no evidence that this incident has been caused by Stan, 790," Kai replies calmly.

"Well, kill him anyway, just so we can all feel better," 790 replies.

"Wait," Kai says. Xev steps close to him, as they all begin to look up at the ghostly figures floating above them.

"Howdy...." comes down from the sky.

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Deep in space Moya flee's Crais' command carrier.

"We have it in our sites, Commander," the PK weapons officer speaks quietly. "Should we broadcast a surrender order?"

"Hmmmm," says the commander, "I don't think so. Just blow them out of existence."

Just before the weapons fire, Moya's image flickers and wavers. Suddenly it's gone.

The weapons officer stares at the screen.

"Uh, sir?"

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"Well Toto," Crichton says, materializing in the auditorium. "I don't think we're in Kansas any more."

D'Argo snorted. "If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, stop calling me Toto!!!"

A few steps away, another group was staring at them. Crichton tried to smile. The others, a tall man in a red suit, what looked like a disembodied robot head, a stunning redhead, and an apparent refugee from a gothic magazine stared back glumly. Only a tall blond girl in a leafy outfit smiled back, waving at him.

"Another friend of yours," Aeryn snapped icily at Crichton.

"Aeryn honey," Crichton said quickly, "I've never seen these people before in my life." Lyekka continued to flirt and wave.

"The one in black holds himself like a warrior," D'Argo said quietly,
gripping his qualta blade. "The rest are of no consequence."

"I say," Rygel bellowed from the safety of his hoverchair, behind D'Argo, "are you the reason we're here? Explain yourself sirs, or I shall be forced to fart in your general direction."

"Ease up, toad boy," Chianna replied, her head twisting sinuously from side to side as she studied the interlopers. "They're probably harmless."

"Enough of this," 790 snapped. "Kai, kill them all so I can go back to
worshipping my perfect Xev!"

D'Argo growled.

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Hooo hee. Things surely are off to a possum stomping start. Why keep all my snakes in a pickle barrel and beat it with a stick, this is gonna be a bloodbath!!!

Yes it is, Bob Bob. This is looking mighty promising.

Gennelmen, let's look in on our starships. Jim Bob, the scope?

Tuning it in right now, Gennelmen. Ahhhh here we is!

[An image coalesces of an asteroid field. Off in the distance, Moya is
visible. LEXX moves across the foreground of the image, it's immense
length seeming to take forever.]

Why, by my Granny's wooden nipples, them shure are some big ships. It be a shame Moya don't got no punch.

[LEXX swivels towards Moya. It's orbs briefly flare, energy dancing across its parabola. Suddenly, it unleashes its destruction arc.]

Woohoo, it's starting already. Moya, she's gonna feel like a porcupine on the interstate at rush hour.

She's gonna get splattered like an armadillo shot out of a cannon!

Like an opossum caught under a riding mower!

[An instant before the destruction wave reaches her, Moya darts out
of the way, then stops and turns as if to watch the progress of the
destruction wave as it detonates a nearby planet.]

Well, gennelmen, it may take a little longer.

Jim Bob, if I was Moya, I'd be starbursting my way out of there like a county judge caught in a junior high school girl's gym laundry.

You are so right, Billy Bob. Why ifn' I was Moya, I'd be in starburst faster than a baptist minister delivering a sermon at a transvestite whorehouse!!!

Uhm, Bob Bob, is that fast?

We is talking baptists here, Jim Bob, not godless satan worshipping catholicists.

Right you are, Bob Bob. You have made your point, once again.

And I kept my pants on.

I think we all appreciated that part of it Bob Bob.

[Moya darts away through space. LEXX follows relentlessly.]

Gennelmen, both LEXX and Moya are basically confined to the area of a single solar system. Moya ain't going to be able to starburst outta there. In the name of keeping the match interesting.

Hmmm, so what you are saying, Jim Bob, is that this is like going big game hunting at the zoo.

Thet it is, and always a pleasure, but for the chilluns gettin in the way when you is trying to shoot bambi.

[LEXX unleashes another destruction wave. Again, Moya dances out of the way. Again, another planet is blown to smithereens. Moya moves slowly, almost teasing...]

Let's get back to our contestants, cousin Bobs. Who we got paired up?

Well Bob Bob, we have taken a careful survey of our audience, carefully matched up the abilities of our respective contestants, and chosen an appropriate match.

Xev versus Aeryn!!!! Baby Jesus, rise up now! I is feeling totally biblical here, Jim Bob. Say it is so. Say that they will be wrasslin', say they will be wrasslin' covered in a pool of baby oil, with an assortment of latex objects of every size shape and deskeription. Why I got my referee shirt right here. Baby Jesus, you bring the Sodom and I'll come tomorrah.

Afore you start covering your body with salad dressing in the name of our lord, Billy Bob, I must inform you that it ain't going to happen.

It ain't?

Aeryn is a trained warrior. Xev is a virgin bimbo. This would be like a
contest between a iguana and a steamroller... not without some interest, mind you, but altogether one sided. Especially aftering thet steam rolling.

He got him a point, Billy Bob. You put Aeryn and Xev together, you might as well send 790 against D'Argo.

Well, that would work if it was a volleyball match to the death.

Thet is true, Billy Bob. But our first contestants is the everymen of the group. John Crichton vs Stanley Tweedle.

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"Oh man," Crichton wiped tears of laughter from his eyes. "I thought I had terrible luck. So it wasn't there at all?"

"Not a trace of it," Stan replied. "A whole planet, just gone."

"They must have been pissed," Crichton said.

"They sure were. So, a wormhole, uh?"

"Swear go God, minding my own business, and the next thing I know, I'm on the other side of the Universe, and there's this huge space battle going on all around me!"

"I've been there," Stan said ruefully. "Coming in late and then..... Divine Shadow upon me!"

"You know what gets me," Crichton said, "its the babes! There's all these hot alien babes everywhere I look."

"And you never get any," Stan said. "Brother, I know how you feel."

"AHEM... GENNELMEN!!!"

Crichton and Stan looked up.

"It's them again."

"GENNELMEN, WE HAS BROUGHT YOU TOGETHER FOR A PURPOSE."

"Forget it," Crichton snapped. "Now where were we?"

"GENNELMEN, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO INSIST ON YOU FIGHTING TO THE DEATH!!!"

"Sorry," Stan replied, "I'm really not that good with personal violence."

"And I get beaten up every time I turn around." offered Crichton.

"So we talked about it and decided its not happening. Now, where were we?"

"As I recall," Crichton said thoughtfully, "you were about to give me the coordinates to Seles Pleasure Palace."

"Oh right!" Stan said. "Oh by the way, avoid Luvliner, it's a total dive.
Write this down...."

Crichton was writing on his palm... "Seles yes, Luvliner no. Got it. After this I'll teach you to do that thing with the armpits. It's great at parties after the third keg is opened."

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.....

.....

Gennelmen, Brothers, I am purely disgusted. In all my life, I have never seen such a revolting display of pacificism. Why it is enough to make a strong man eat yogurt with granola sprinkles.

Hulk Hogan better not hear about this, I'm a telling you.

Fellahs, we cain't give it up now. This is what you might call a misstatement. An error of, shall you say, judgement. We must keep going!

Stay tooned for our next postlike:

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