Rub-A-Dub-Dub

by blarney stone

Rated: strong R

Pairing: Kai/Xev

Disclaimer: Lexx and all it's characters, including the Undead Love Toy, belong to those nice people at Salter Street productions. No copyright infringement is intended.

Feedback will be greatly appreciated.

RUB A DUB DUB

By Blarney Stone

"Rub-a-dub-dub,
My Xev's in the tub
All naked and steamy
All dripping and creamy .. .."
790's pitiful voice trailed off, as his robot mind drifted away on a gentle cloud of imaginary soap bubbles covering strategic parts of his beloved's anatomy.

Stan, on his hands and knees, cleaning up the mess from the food dispenser's 'accident', picked up the poem.

"But Kai's in there too
Oh, what will they do?
She's washing his hair
But will it stop there?

Are they rocking and swaying
or on the ground laying?
Are they grinding and bumping
or screaming and humping?

What about sucking
followed by f---"

"You will die, Tweedle, with your organs spread across three planets and your little tiny brain mashed into goo then eaten by worms!" the robot head screamed in fury.

"Relax, she's only washing the pudding out of his hair. Besides, he can't do anything; his vital parts don't work, remember? I'm sure she'll just cop a few feels, shove her naked breasts in his face, and then, when he completely fails to get the point, they'll get dressed and that'll be the end of it," the captain of the Lexx shrugged. Standing up, he frowned in disgust at his jumpsuit, covered in yellow slime. "I wish they'd hurry up. I could use a bath myself."

"Xev's unsurpassed beauty could bring the dead back to life," the lovestruck 790 moaned. "This is all your fault, security guard! You're the one who just had to have lemon pudding, who wouldn't give up until the Lexx got it 'just right'. If close contact to Xev's goddess-like body makes Kai's Little Brunnen-G stand up and salute, I will personally arrange for your slow and hideous demise."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm sooo scared," he smirked. Then he sighed, as he pictured the ultra-horny love slave lavishing attention on the one being on the Lexx who was totally incapable of appreciating it. "Life sucks," he muttered.

***

Kai sat on the floor of the showers, his knees pulled up to his chest, as Xev stood behind him, lathering the soap into his long black tresses. He had calmly accepted both her stated reason for both of them being naked: his hair was too long to wash without actually getting under the shower, and her unstated reason: a love slave's hope springs eternal. Of course, he _could_ have washed his own hair, but there hadn't seemed to be an opportunity to point that out, with Xev dragging him to the shower and then practically ripping his clothes off.

"You have the most wonderful hair, Kai," she sighed, holding a handful to her face and breathing in it's fragrance. "It must have taken you forever to grow it this long."

"I have never cut it," he stated, matter-of-factly.

Xev smiled and rubbed the locks across her chest, gasping at the delightful tingles they caused. She was exceedingly happy. Even though Kai was doing his best to maintain his modesty, she had gotten a good long look at his pale, slender body. He was smooth and oddly hairless, unlike the few other naked men she'd seen. Perhaps that's what all the Brunnen-G were like, she mused.

Kai tilted his head slightly. "Are you done?" he questioned.

"No!!" she said hastily. "I have to make sure I get it all, Kai. If you get back in your cryopod with any of it still in your hair, it will harden and we'll never get it out." She leaned down and whispered in his ear, "I might even have to get the scissors."

Xev had no idea if any of this was true or not, but she hoped it would give him pause. Luck was with her, as the assasin narrowed his eyes, considering the possiblities. "Please continue," he finally said.

Surpressing the urge to jump and down with joy, she poured more shampoo onto the thick black mass. "Did you have someone to wash your hair for you before, you know, when you were alive?"

"No," Kai answered, his lips forming a frown. "Bathing was a private ritual with my people. It would have been unheard of to share the experience with another."

Xev gasped and knelt beside him. "Oh Kai, I didn't know. I didn't mean to do anything to offend you! I only wanted to, I only wanted to. ."

"Yes," he interupted, his green eyes drilling into hers. "I know what you wanted. You wanted to see me and for me to see you." He eyes took in her red, wet hair, then strayed down to her perfect round breasts, and then further to the curves of her shapely thighs and the dark hair nestled between them. Raising his eyes back to her face; lingering on her full lips, he said, "You are beautiful Xev; more beautiful than any woman I was ever. . intimate with."

She smiled, like sunshine after a summer storm, some forgotten poet inside him said. "You are beautiful too, Kai. You are more beautiful than any man I have ever seen. I thought so from the first moment I saw you." She traced a finger along the mark on his cheek. "I know that you're . . . dead," she began hesitantly, "But there are things that we can still do, if you want to."

Kai lowered his eyes and answered, " You have missed the point, Xev. I am dead. I don't want to do anything."

Grabbing his face in her hands, she forced him to look at her. "I'm not dead, and I want to do all kinds of things!"

Kai's eyes widened, ever so slightly. "I believe the cluster lizard in you is coming out."

"You've always being strangely drawn to those creatures, Kai," she breathed, her mouth closing in on his.

"Yes, I find their unpredictablity refreshing."

******

"Rub-a-dub-dub
Kai and Xev in a tub
Xev's started growling
I guess Kai must be prowling," Stan quoted wickedly.

"You are an illiterate idiot! We must go at once to make sure that Xev is all right. She might have slipped on a bar of soap and can't get up," 790 demanded.

"Oh, I wouldn't worry. I've got the feeling that she's doesn't need any help from us. Besides, I've just remembered one more rhyme that seems appropriate for the ocassion.

"If the Lexx is a-rockin'
Don't come a-knockin' "

the end
blarney stone