Title: Dumb Demon: A Stupid Fairy Tale
Author: Growly (sadly!)
Fandom: Inuyasha: A Feudal Fairy Tale
Rating: I have NO idea...
Pairings: Also no idea.
Parts: 1/?, 2/?, 3/?
Status: Incomplete
Disclaimer: The original show/manga Inuyasha belongs to Rumiko Takahashi, who would be horrified at my treatment of them, probably
Archive: As with all of my stuff, of course.
Warnings: Intense, candy-inspired stupidity ahead! BEWARE!
Feedback: Um... ok.
Flames: It probably deserves them, but no thanks.
Notes: There is a glossary of a few Japanese terms directly following the fic. If you get that far without retching.
More Notes: If you're still with me despite all my cautions, and you read the fic... just remember: I WARNED YOU!!!
Dumb Demon
A stupid fairy tale.
by Growly
Scroll 1: The stupid guy they all thought was dead
*A really long time ago in Japan*
"Hahahaha" The dumb demon laughed stupidly as he clutched the pretty glass rock in his hand. "You deserve this, you big meanies, just as I deserve this pretty glass rock. This'll teach you to send me to obedience school! With this pretty glass rock I will be able to bury my favorite bone and figure out where it is afterwards!"
"Baka-youkai!" The lovely but rather bloody priestess, called simply "the lovely-but-rather-bloody-priestess" yelled, shooting an arrow at the dumb demon.
"C.chew toy." The dumb demon gasped as he was pinned against the tree with an arrow through his chest. The pretty glass rock fell from his nerveless grasp. "WAHHH!!! MY CHEW TOY DON'T LIKE ME NO MORE!!!!" The dumb demon wailed at the top of his lungs, making as much noise as possible.
The cowardly villagers rushed up to the lovely-but-rather-bloody-priestess. "Lady Lovely-but-rather-bloody-priestess! You're getting blood all over your nice clothes again. If you plan to bleed all over the place, put on something old and worn out!"
The lovely-but-rather-bloody-priestess replied angrily, "Can't you see I'm dying here, you morons!? Quit interrupting my dramatic death scene! It's practically the only scene I get in the first five books!!!"
The lovely-but-rather-bloody-priestess's sister, the one-eyed-little-girl, wailed, "Oh, but lovely-but-rather-bloody-priestess-oneesan! We have to take care of your wounds!"
"Oh, my one-eyed-little-sister, I will not live. Listen well, or you'll forget and botch it up like you always do. Take this pretty glass rock and burn it with my remains! It must never fall into the wrong hands again, that would be a fashion disaster!" Saying this with the approved amount of gasping and dripping blood, the lovely-but-rather-bloody-priestess fell over and croaked.
"Ribbit?"
Not THAT kind of croaking!!!
~I shall take this pretty glass stone with me into the world beyond.~
*Modern Day Japan a.k.a. the era with toilets*
"Shikon no tama?"
"Yes," The obsessed-old-man said, hoping that his granddaughter had finally caught on to the importance of his work, "So long as one has this, one's family will know safety and running toilets!"
"You mean people actually pay money for these glass beads? Wouldn't a plunger work just as well?" The disbelieving-young-girl asked, holding the tiny round object up. She personally thought that a plunger would also be a better investment as well. considering the amount her grandfather wanted for the thing.
***
Scroll 2: Concrete proof that microwave dinners are radioactive
The disbelieving-young-girl frowned, "What does the title of this scroll have to do with the story?"
"Don't question the almighty author, child!" The obsessed-old-man warned drearily, "She's the most powerful thing in the known universe. Aside from Victoria's Secret padded bras, that is."
"Undies! Undies!" A wrinkled old lech ran across the room, a bag of bras in his hand.
"What was that all about?" The disbelieving-young-girl asked, making a strange face.
"No idea," The obsessed-old-man pulled out a frilly white bra and hugged it close, "Now, why were we here again?"
"Special Day. starts with 'b', Sounds like Earth Day" The disbelieving-young-girl prompted eagerly.
Obviously the obsessed-old-man didn't know how to rhyme. "Umm. Pickles and gravy?"
*THUD* The sound of someone's face hitting the floor in disbelief resounded through the room.
"Not pickles and gravy!" The disbelieving-young-girl got off of the floor and stamped her foot in righteous indignation. "Tomorrow is my BIRTHDAY!"
"Oh yeah. The obsessed-old-man scratched his head and dug around in his pockets, pulling out a withered-smelly-unidentifiable object. "Happy Birthday." He went back to hugging his bra.
The disbelieving-young-girl grimaced, holding the withered-smelly-unidentifiable-object at arm's length. "What is it?"
"It's a mummified kappa's *word bleeped out, because this IS a family friendly fic after all (yeah right!)* It's supposed to be a good aphrodisiac."
"!?!" The disbelieving-young-girl dropped the withered-smelly-best-left-unknown-object. "What the #*$(!?" (Oh my. such language for a young girl.)
O.kay. Skipping ahead for sanity's sake.
*Later. Outside.*
"Here kitty, kitty." The frightened-little-boy called into the darkened shrine.
"What are you doing, frightened little boy?" The disbelieving-young-girl asked.
"OH!" The frightened-little-boy jumped in surprise. "Disbelieving young girl! It's just you! Flea bitten-overweight-cat went down into the well and won't come out. Go get him."
"Why would I do something like that?" The disbelieving-young-girl asked.
"Because it will further the story line. The author thinks we've wasted enough time as it is."
"Oh. Right."
With only a slight grumble, the disbelieving-young-girl descended into the shrine, pondering the best way to skin a cat. No sooner had she reached the bottom of the steps and scooped up the flea-bitten-overweight-cat, than Queen-bloated-pulsating-festering-sweaty-puss filled-malformed-slug-for-a-butt popped out of the covered well and grabbed the disbelieving-young-girl by the hair.
"Give me the pretty glass rock!" Queen-bloated-pulsating-festering-sweaty-puss filled-malformed-slug-for-a-butt roared. "Hey wait a second." Queen-bloated-pulsating-festering-blah-blah-blah-etc-slug-for-a-butt stopped her roaring. "Isn't the name 'Queen-bloated-pulsating-festering-sweaty-puss filled-malformed-slug-for-a-butt' already copyrighted?"
Drats. Foiled again.
Hideous-multiarmed-slimy-centipede-monster-thingie protested, "I'm not hideous OR slimy! Why can't I have a good name?"
Cause I'm too lazy to give you one, that's why. Don't take it up with me.
Hideous-multiarmed-slimy-centipede-monster-thingie dragged the disbelieving-young-girl into the old well. "Give me the pretty glass rock! And your name too, while you're at it! Anything is better than 'hideous-multiarmed-slimy-centipede-monster-thingie'!"
"I don't have any pretty glass rocks! And you're not getting my name, either!" Saying this, the disbelieving-young-girl whipped a plunger out of toiletspace and hit the hideous-multiarmed-slimy-centipede-monster-thingie in the face with it. "Wow. I didn't know I could do that!"
Obviously the hideous-multiarmed-slimy-centipede-monster-thingie hadn't known either. "EWW!" She fled into the shadows with an angry hiss. "I'll get you for this my pretty! And your little dog-demon too!"
No spoilers!
"But if they're reading, they should already."
NO SPOILERS!!
"Kill-joy." The hideous-multiarmed-slimy-centipede-monster-thingie grumbled, vanishing.
The disbelieving-young-girl landed knee deep in much at the bottom of the well. IN a hurry to get back to dry ground, the disbelieving-young-girl started to climb up the side of the well with yet another stolen and horrible mauled quote.
"To stupidity! And Beyond!"
* * *
Author's note: Finally! Chapter 2! I'd like to thank all the people who reviewed my fic and sent me death threats. This fic is here because of you! Now can you please put away all the sharp pointy objects?
Scroll 3: Girl Meets Boy: Oh! The Horror!
"I'm going to meet a boy? What's so horrible about that? Unless he's not good looking." The disbelieving-young-girl mused over the title for a couple of sentences, then quickly resumed climbing since the author was getting impatient.
"Something tells me I'm not in Tokyo anymore." The disbelieving-young-girl muttered as she reached the top of the well and looked around. "Oh wait.never mind." The girl spotted a badly misspelled sign stating "Toh-key-oh" "I wonder who wrote that."
Meanwhile, the author was occupied bashing the sign writer over the head. "BAKA! BAKA! BAKA! I'm gonna find someone else who can SPELL!" As a result she cannot take credit for any of the following events.
(This public service announcement is courtesy of OFPEB - the organization for protection of endangered bishounen - and BBP - the bishounen breeding program. Also brought to you by the letter Q and the number 4.)
The disbelieving-young-girl shrugged and decided it wasn't worth worrying about, then headed off to find something familiar.
"That tree looks sort of like the one by the shrine, only it's punier, all twisty and the wrong kind entirely. Oh well.half a loaf is better than nothing." With these fateful words the disbelieving-young-girl approached the tree.
There she found - pinned to the bark by an arrow through his chest - Elvis.
"AHA! I knew he wasn't dead!" The disbelieving-young-girl exclaimed triumphantly. Grinning like a satisfied cat, she walked around to the other side. On this side there was another person pinned to the tree. "What's with this?" This person had long white hair and a red outfit.
"Santa Claus!"
*THUD* The sound of a face hitting a keyboard resounded through the fanfic.
Is that your final answer?
The disbelieving-young-girl looked up as the author's voice boomed out the question.
"Can I use one of my lifelines? And I thought you were gone. what's the deal?"
I finally got done beating my former sign writer into a pulp. But enough about him. I think you should take a better look at 'Santa'.
With a much put upon sigh, the disbelieving-young-girl took a closer look. "Hmm..long white hair, weird outfit, obviously fake ears. I know! He's an otaku!"
An otaku?
"Yeah, who else would be crazy enough to wear such a weird costume? I don't recognize the anime though, so I guess it must not be very popular."
.Would you care to repeat that bit about otaku being crazy?
The disbelieving-young-girl got the hint and climbed onto one of the roots to inspect the boy's costume. "Hmmm. not too bad, I suppose. At least the ears are on straight." Reaching out, she grabbed ahold of the tiny white dog ears. "Let's see how well they're attached." She pulled on the ears as hard as she could.
The fellow pinned to the tree had a twisted grimace on his face, as though he would have yowled with pain if he were awake.
Finally the disbelieving-young-girl released the boy's ears. "They're stuck fast. what did he use? Super glue?" As she turned to go, a flurry of arrows thudded into the tree next to her. She promptly threw herself flat against the pinned boy.
What's that for?
"Protection."
And not for the excuse to glomp a cute guy..riiiight..
The disbelieving-young-girl snorted rudely at the author's implications, then turned to look over her shoulder. There stood the cowardly villagers.
"You're under arrest!" One of them yelled in a somewhat bold statement.
"Just great." The disbelieving-young-girl grumbled.
It's what you get for insulting the author.
"Aww.shut up!"
*To be continued*
Glossary of Terms:
Baka-Youkai : Dumb Demon
Oneesan: big sister
Kappa: A Japanese monster - sort of like a water imp
Baka: Stupid.
Bishounen: A cute young male