Title: Stranger In a Strange Land

Author: Scribe

Fandom: Xena Mary Sue

Pairing: M/f M/m

Type: Severe AU (modern time) Mary Sue

Disclaimer: Everyone but Scribe belongs to someone else. I'm not making money off this. If you don't believe me, check my bank account.

Warning: It's a Mary Sue. Some people need to be warned of that.

Notes: This is a completely self indullgent Mary Sue. Don't like, don't read. However, I WILL point out that my Mary Sues are usually not annoyingly perfect, and do not solve the problems of the universe. However, everyone DOES want her. I'm not giving that up.

Rating: Eventually NC-17

Stranger In a Strange Land
By Scribe

Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. If I'd heeded this advice I probably would never have ended up in the situation I did. But when someone holds out the possibility of a week long, all expense paid trip to an exotic location when you can barely afford a trip to the corner store, judgment may slip a bit.

I still can't believe it. I'd been cruising on home, listening to the radio. They were promoting the new CD of a currently hot Greek singer, one I didn't know much about. I remembered vaguely that he was a particularly good looking fella--long dark hair, dark beard, rather sardonic and dangerous looking. Reas, that was the name. *Another one name wonder*, I thought.

"Okay, folks," babbled the DJ, "Here it is, what we've all been waiting for..." *Not all of us*, I mentally corrected him. "The prize is an all expense paid trip to Athens, and we don't mean Georgia! Seven nights at a premium hotel in Greece, a travel gift package, spending cash, and a personal tour of the sights with Reas himself! We're gonna give you a phrase to translate. The first three correct callers will compete for the grand prize. Are you ready? Remember, Reas himself will be taking your calls."

"I await with breathless anticipation," I murmured, as I pulled into my driveway, but I didn't cut the ignition. I was curious. Trivia always interested me.

"All right callers, tell us what this famous phrase means. 'Veni, vedi, vici'."

I laughed, snapping off the radio, jerking my keys free. That was an insult. I went inside, dumping my keys on the counter, and flipped on the radio I kept in the kitchen. "Why the hell do they want Latin translated in a contest for a trip to Greece?"

"All right," the DJ said. "That's one caller right! Sorry we can't let y'all listen in on the responses, but that just wouldn't be fair, would it? While we get our last two contestants, here's Reas' latest hot hit--'Warrior of Love'."

It was pretty good, actually. It had a beat, and you could dance to it, so I did, since I was alone in the confines of my own little world. I hadn't danced in public since I was seventeen, and the boy in the cowboy hat had coaxed me out onto the floor for some disco. The giggles and snickers had cured me of that.

When it was over the DJ came on again. "That's two! C'mon, people, you're embarrassing me!" Two? I was bewildered, and ashamed of my region. It took that long to get TWO correct responses to such a simple question? My God, the listeners were acting like a pack of Bubbas. It would probably be fruitless, I was sure that they'd have the final contestant before I could get a call through, but I had to try, if only to let the Greeks know that there was at least one Southerner with a few functioning brain cells.

I had to look up the number, and I kept waiting for them to announce the final contestant. When they didn't, I went ahead and dialed, telling myself I wouldn't wait more than six rings. Ten at the most.

I heard the click of the receiver being lifted after the first ring, and a rich, dark voice said, "This is Reas." I was too surprised to respond at first. There was a low, liquid chuckle that gave me an unexpected tingle in interesting places. "I know you're there, I can hear you breathing. You have something to say to me?" I started to speak, but all that came out was a squeak. What a time to get stage fright!

There was an undercurrent of amusement in his voice. "You're a woman, right? I can tell. Go on and talk to me, I won't bite. Not over the phone lines, anyway. Tell me what I want to hear."

I found my voice. I was being totally ridiculous. "I came, I saw, I conquered."

His voice rose, pleased. "That's it, Big Dog! We have our third contestant." There was a pleased babble in the background, and Reas laughed. "He was afraid he was going to have to get a ringer to call in. Stay on the line with me, okay? We'll have the final round after the commercial. Why don't you shut off your radio so we can hear each other better?"

I wondered how he'd known about the radio as I shut it off. But he would have been able to hear our voices over it through the receiver, and... No, wait... they weren't broadcasting the phone calls. I didn't have time to wonder about this, because he was speaking to me again. "I need some quick info, little lady."

I snorted with, I thought, good natured self derision, "Boy, have I got you fooled! I'm a long way from little."

He seemed unperturbed. "Little is a state of mind. Some of the most physically imposing people I've known have been little. What's your name, sweet?"

I gave him my particulars: name, address, phone number, age I could hear faint scratching as he took the information down. I was surprised that a celebrity would care enough about the sensibilities of a participant in a routine promotional stunt to do this personally.

Then Big Dog came on the line. "Hey! Lemme see... Scribe, is it? You're..." he paused, and I heard the mild dismay in his voice. "Forty two. Hey! Great!" The cheerfulness of his tone was as false as the claims diet shakes made to rich, creamy goodness. "Terrific that we have a more... um... mature listener joining in!"

I could hear Reas's voice in the background, acid. "You're really living up to your name, Big Dog."

"I'm putting you on the speaker now, Scribe..."

"Miss Scribe." I said brittally. I sure as hell didn't like him enough to want him calling me by my first name.

"Um... Miss Scribe. The commercial's almost done."

I heard Reas's voice again. "You're going to win."

"Hey," the DJ said warningly. "Don't give her any hints, or we'll have to void the contest."

"I won't, you dolt. But she will win."

"Maybe. But that first question was pretty damn elementary, and look how long it took to get three answers. What the fuck makes you think she'll be the one to get it right?"

"Because I want her to."

"Sorry, champ. You don't have any say in who wins this."

Again I heard the dark amusement, and I thought that Big Dog must be plenty stupid himself, talking to this man like that. "Don't I? We'll see."

"Here we go!" crowed Big Dog. "I got three contestants on the line, all ready to try for that grand prize of a trip to Greece with the one and only Reas. The others will receive a genuine a Wurlitzer jukebox, circa 1956, adapted to today's technology and loaded with CDs, courtesy of Basic Beat Music Stores. In case of a tie, there will be another round. Are you ready, contestants?" I heard a faint rattle of voices, and added my assent.

"First contestant, Mark. Mark's a twenty-year-old student. Here it is, Mark. Translate this for us. ''illegitimi non carborundum'"

*Jesus please us*, I thought wearily. *A bastard Latin catch phrase that had appeared on countless posters, desk plates, and cross stitch samplers. Who do they have writing for them? An idiot could get that.*

"Uh... boy. That's a hard one. Illegitimi... corrob... Let's see, illegitimi means... Um...'I can't read... corro... I can't read... the chocolate substitute?" I silently offered up a prayer of comfort for his parents.

"Nope, sorry Mark. I believe you're thinking of carob. Don't despair! If neither of the ladies get it, you'll have another chance. Now we have Typhani." I swear, you could tell by the way he said it that this was how it was spelled. "Tiff is nineteen, and she works at the Lotsa Lobes Earring Emporium. Okay, Tiff. ''illegitimi non carborundum.' Thrill me!" There was a high pitched giggle, and I groaned. You could practically hear the wind whistling through her head, in one ear and out the other with nothing to stop it. She giggled for several seconds. "Hey, down girl!" Big Dog joked. "I bet this means you have the answer."

"Well..." the voice was coy. Hmm, maybe I was wrong? I wouldn't mind having a jukebox, if I could find somewhere to put it, and choose my own music. No Brittany Spears, definitely. But if we both got it right, wouldn't there have to be a tie breaker? Shouldn't we all have had different questions? Who had thought up this mishmash, anyway?

"Well, illumination is light, right? And non is, well, nothing. And a carborundum is one of those new German cars, so it means there is no light in my car!" she finished triumphantly.

There was a second's silence, then a wild burst of laughter from Reas. I could tell it was him. I had a clear image of his head tossed back, dark hair flying back over his shoulders, dark eyes sparkling with merriment that was, perhaps, not entirely nice.

Big Dog sounded regretful. "Ooh, sorry, Tiph. That's not it."

"It isn't?" She sounded pissed, but genuinely surprised.

"Nope. But don't worry, the way this is going, you'll get another crack." *And that*, I thought, *is a crack directed at ME, you snotty, too-hip-to-live-Gen Xer.*

"Sooo, that leaves you, Scribe..."

"Miss Scribe," I snapped.

"Sure, whatever." His tone was definitely let's-get-this-over with. "'Illegitimi non carborundum'. What's your guess?"

I'd been doing a slow seethe, now I let myself come to a boil. "First off, next time think your freakin' contests out more carefully. If we'd all three been right, you'd have had a real mess on your hands."

"Hey, I didn't set this up, it was..."

"Second, who the hell wrote your questions? The first one was about as uncommon as 'See Dick run', and the second isn't real, classic Latin. It's a bastardized approximation. It's joke Latin."

He yelped, but again I could hear Reas laughing. "You can't say that on the air!" Big Dog said hotly. "Who the fuck... dammit! Who's on the censorship button?"

"Relax, it isn't any worse than calling a female dog a bitch. It's just accurate. That little phrase of make-believe can most closely be interpreted as 'Don't let the bastards grind you down.' And how the hell did you expect anyone to answer it on the air without saying 'bastard'?"

"We have a winner." I could hear satisfaction in Reas's tone, and imagined the cool grin he was giving Big Dog.

Reluctantly, the DJ said. "That's it, then. We have a winner of the deluxe, all expense paid trip to Greece. You folks stay on the line for info about claiming your prizes, and I'll spin the newest release by Kickin' Chicks, 'Chop Busters.'" I heard music start up, and the DJ said dully "Congratulations. Did you rig this with her, man? I don't appreciate being made a fool of."

"That would be impossible. You were a fool a long time before I met you. Miss Scribe, I have your phone number. I'll call you in a moment from a private line and we shall discuss details."

I smiled. Somehow I got an odd feeling that he could see that smile, and was responding in kind. Perfectly ridiculous, of course. "Call me Scribe."

"When can you leave?" I'd half believed I was going to sit up in bed and find out that I'd been dreaming about the contest, and the trip I'd won. But the phone had rung a few moments after I'd hung up, and it was that rich voice again. Reas.

"Hm? Isn't there a specified time period, like I have to take it between now and then?"

"No, not in this case. It's at your convenience, and I hope it will be soon. I'm looking forward to educating you."

"Oh, I hope you don't plan on it being nothing but museums! I love them, but I want to get a good look at the countryside, too. I'd like to see how the people live."

There was a purring tone in his voice. "That wasn't exactly what I meant. I'll be happy to show you about life. So, when can you go?"

"Welllll..." I considered. "I'm currently at loose ends. Translation, no job. The savings are getting low, but I can treat myself to a week of indulgence before I knuckle back down. I'd have to board the cat... Maybe a week?"

"Are you sure that's the earliest possible date?" His tone said he knew I could do better, if I tried.

"No, but I thought that would be a bit soon for you. I could leave tomorrow if..."

"There's an early morning flight that would have us in Athens in time for a late supper. Can you be ready by seven?"

I sputtered. "I... I'll have to buy travel clothes, get a passport..."

"Hm. There is that. I'd forgotten about these forsaken modern rules." He sounded like he was talking to himself. "It would be simpler if I just bypassed the physical transportation and..." He trailed off. "Sorry, my mind wandered, there. I know a few people who can rush things through. Tomorrow I'll drop by and we'll start taking care of vaccinations and such."

"But is your company going to approve of such a jump start?"

"They don't have any say in it," he said flatly. I was a little surprised. I knew that superstars were catered to, big time, but this seemed a bit much. "I want it like this. That's that."

Someone was apparently very used to getting their own way. Oh well, it was to my benefit if he were spoiled. "All right, then."

"Good. I'll pick you up in the morning. Just pack enough for tomorrow. We can buy your travel wardrobe in town while we wait for the passport to be processed."

"Look, I'm going to need some time to bargain hunt. It's not like sudden vacations figure into my budget."

"No need. I'll make the wardrobe part of the prize package.. We'll spend the night at a hotel, and leave early the next morning for home."

"You're a bossy person, aren't you?"

"I know what I want, and I get it. Until tomorrow, Scribe."

I hung up, and fingered the fringe of hair that had been falling in my eyes lately. I wasn't supposed to have bangs, but it had been a long time since I'd had the time, money, or incentive to have my hair done. Now was the time. Luckily, the hairdresser had a cancellation, and managed to fit me in. I was pleased with the results, and felt ready to set out on a grand adventure.

By eight the next morning I had the cat settled with a friend, the mail taken care of, the fridge emptied, and the gas and water turned off, just in case. I had a few clothes tucked in a battered little plaid, soft sided suitcase.

At eight-ten the limo pulled up--the stretch limo. It barely fit in my driveway. A genuine, honest to God uniformed chauffer got out of the front and opened the back door. A long, tall, sardonically gorgeous bearded man, wearing dark shades, got out of the back and headed toward the house, the chauffer trailing. He smiled as he advance, hand outstretched. "Scribe! So we meet at last."

There was absolutely no need for me to ask who he was. The face and form were familiar from the last People's Fifty Most Beautiful People edition. Reas practically oozed self assuredness.

I offered my hand, smiling a tad nervously now that he was actually here. He took it. Instead of shaking it, though, he raised it to his lips. I felt the tickle of his beard on the back of my hand, and a warm touch of skin. *Ooh, very old world,* I thought. Then he turned my hand over and kissed my wrist. I was suddenly sure that he had to feel the pulse that had immediately started to pound there.

He released my hand and removed the sunglasses, parking them in his jacket pocket. His head cocked, he said, "You cut your hair. It's very becoming."

"Thank you. I thought... Wait a minute. How did you know I cut my hair?"

He shrugged negligently. "Maybe I have spies. Is that all you're bringing?" He clucked. "We'll have to do something about your luggage. Arturo..." He gestured, and the chauffer picked up the bag, carrying it to the limo and placing it in the trunk. "Shall we?" He offered me his arm. For a split second I just stared at him. No one had ever done that, not in resent memory. I wasn't used to men 'escorting' women except in wedding parties and at proms.

He was watching me closely. "Come on. I can't take you unless you agree to be taken. Rules are rules." That was odd. Of course you couldn't force a vacation on someone. I put a hand gingerly on his arm, and he quickly tucked it in securely. He gave me a broad smile. It had to be my imagination, but it looked both satisfied and triumphant. "You'll enjoy this, I promise." I walked with him to the car. It isn't often I feel small. And it wasn't that he was such a huge person, either. He was good sized, but nothing to make a football or basketball coach look twice. Still, there was something about him that made me feel downright tiny.

The car was Robin Leach's wet dream. Leather upholstery, a built-in bar, telephone, mini-fridge, television. Plus it was spacious enough to have an orgy in. Where had that thought come from? As we backed out of the driveway, Reas unwrapped the foil from around the top of the bottle of champagne that nestled in a silver ice bucket. He worked the cork out with a subdued pop.

"I hope you don't mind that I didn't do that with a flourish." He poured a pale amber, bubbling liquid into a long stemmed crystal tulip glass. "And I hope you don't mind not having those commercialized shallow glasses. They're really not designed for champagne. Louis the fourteenth had to get sentimental and have a glass created based on the shape of his mistress' breast, and we lose centuries of effervescence."

I took the glass. Champagne isn't really my thing, but I wasn't about to turn it down, even if it was mid morning. This was all part of the experience. I was never going to do anything like this again, and I was determined to enjoy it. "Is that a true story?"

"Absolutely. He was as besotted as any man I've ever seen. And she was a scrawny little thing, too. Hardly had a mouthful of breast meat on her."

I felt myself blushing. Well, I wasn't going to let him embarrass me that easily. "You know you're history pretty well."

"Intimately. How's the bubbly?"

I sipped. What did I know? "Nice, I guess?"

His brows lifted. "You're a hard woman to impress. That's an '83 Moet Chandon. It costs about two hundred a bottle."

I almost choked on the bubbles. "Good God! I'm drinking a week's salary!"

"Just enjoy it. I'll have to remember to get you something sweeter from now on." We chatted as we rode to the urban center. The first stop was a private physician's office. I received a couple of shots, ending up with both an aching arm and an aching behind, and filled out forms. Then we went to a small office where I filled out more forms, and had my photo taken. We stopped at a travel store, and he bought a set of luggage. The price tag made me hyperventilate. Most of my cars had cost less. Then it was time for lunch.

We ate at a restaurant I'd seen reviewed in Texas Monthly, Bon Appetite, and Gourmet. After an initially scandalized glance at my Wal-Mart special clothes and a laser beam return from Reas they treated me like I was the Queen of England, and they were promoting a treaty.

After that we went to several clothing stores. Not just stores. Clothing stores. The clothes had no price tags on them. I was scared to breath, for fear I might damage something and find myself liable for it. Reas asked my opinion occasionally, but once my measurements had been taken, he consulted mainly with the clerk. I found myself being outfitted like a Barbie doll. What seemed like dozens of sets of clothes went into the new luggage, including underwear and a white, gauzy evening gown that looked more like a nightgown than anything else. I gave up my tentative questions and protests after a while. He just didn't seem to be listening. He kept saying, "Yes, I know. But this is a good color for you. If you don't like it, you don't have to keep it. Now, I want to see that in blue..."

When we went back to the travel place, a small green folder was waiting for me with my photo inside. My first passport. "Well, that was a good day's work. What say you to just having room service tonight, hmm?" That was fine by me. I felt shell shocked.

The hotel was a huge edifice near the airport. We were taken to the top floor, into a room that resembled those obscenely lavish staterooms in the Titanic movie. My luggage, except for my own pitiful belongings, remained in the trunk of the limo, ready for the short hop to the airport in the morning.

In my room, Reas ordered supper for us both, then sat down on one of the sofas (sofas, plural) to chat. I had figured that we'd each eat in our own room, but I didn't really mind. He was still interesting, even if he was a tad overwhelming. This time with the meal there was something called a Merlot. It tasted a lot better than the champagne, and I drank a good bit of it. By the time we'd finished, I was yawning.

"You go on to bed," said Reas. "I'll take care of these dishes."

I mumbled my thanks and went into the bedroom, then into the bathroom. I took a quick shower, put on my most comfortable old T-shirt, and stumbled into the darkened bedroom. I didn't remember turning off the lights, but that was all right, since I didn't need them anyway.

I felt my way to the king-sized bed and snuggled into silky sheets, sighing with contentment. I had started to drift off when the hand settled on my arm. In my near sleep state, I might have believed it was a dream. But when another hand settled over my right breast and squeezed slightly, I came awake with a start. That had been warm, solid, and very real.

I shoved myself out of bed, landing on the floor with a thump. The room was dimly lit by light seeping under the bathroom door. In the faint glow, I made out the bearded face that appeared over the side of the bed. "Did I pinch?" Reas asked mildly.

I jerked my T-shirt down over my thighs. "What are you doing?" I hissed.

"Oops," he said. "I see I misjudged my timing. Sorry, I thought you were ready."

"No, and I'm not gonna be! Get out of here!"

He shrugged, and slid out of bed. I yelped again, and covered my eyes. He was totally nude. I heard padding footsteps. A finger touched my cheek, and I slapped blindly, missing. I heard a chuckle. "You make the cutest noises. I can't wait to find out how you sound when you get excited." Before I could think of an outraged reply, the door shut, and I knew I was alone again.

I got up and went to the bedroom door. Damn, no lock. There was a chair at a vanity table, and I tried to wedge it under the knob. It fit loosely, and I hoped it would do the trick. I hoped I didn't have to find out whether or not it would be effective. Then I crawled back into bed. *The very idea,* I thought, as I drifted off.

Someone was shaking me. "Rise and shine." I blinked my eyes open. Reas was standing over me, once more clad with casual elegance, shaking my shoulder. I knocked his arm away and clutched the sheets up to my chin.

He sighed. "Look, I apologize for last night. I thought you'd gotten the signals. I can understand you being pissed with me, but you've got to get up, or we'll miss the plane."

"How did you get in here?"

He pointed. "Usual way." The door was unblocked, the chair once more neatly beside the vanity. Why hadn't I heard that? "Now get up while I go order breakfast."

He left, and I dressed hastily. I was going to wear my old clothes, but they'd disappeared. All that was left was the vacation wear. I didn't want to have anything that he was responsible for next to my skin, but I didn't have much choice unless I wanted to run around in my underwear.

When I went into the front room, he was working on a huge plate of food. Damn, the man had an appetite. He waved a fork at the dishes. "I didn't know what you like, so I got everything. Want me to fix you a plate?"

I sat down on the other side of the little table as he began to fill a plate. "Look, Reas, maybe last night was a little my fault, too. I'm not used to dealing with guys, so maybe I was sending out mixed signals without realizing it."

He set the plate in front of me. "So we were both mistaken. Eat."

I picked up my fork. "I just think we ought to get things clear before we leave."

"Sure. You don't intend to let me get into your pants. I intend to keep trying till I do. Pretty simple."

"Now look..."

"Eat. We have fifteen minutes to get down to the car."

*To hell with it.* I gulped down the food. I wasn't going to miss the opportunity of taking the dream vacation of a lifetime because one guy thought he was some sort of love god.

"God of War, actually."

"Excuse me?"

"Ten minutes. Come on." He urged me up out of my seat and herded me to the door.

"But I was going to get some of the complementary..."

"I'll buy it for you in Greece. I swear, if we miss that plane, I'll fly us there myself, rules or no rules."

We were hustling through the lobby. "What? You're a pilot now?"

He pushed me into the limo and jumped in after me. "Hundred bucks if you make it to the airport in ten minutes."

"Hey, I could get a speeding ticket."

"Cost of the ticket and two hundred." The chauffer burned rubber.

We made it to the airport without a ticket, and I was whisked onto the plane. For what I was given to understand was the first time in recorded history, it left exactly on time, and I found myself in the air, on my way.

He kept trying to grope me. I was really getting annoyed. The stewardesses thought it was cute. I heard them whispering about 'that cute honeymoon couple.' Lord. I just kept quiet and pushed his hands away, but I was making sure there was a good lock on my door in the hotel when we arrived. If he was this persistent in public...

In Athens we went to a small, but obviously hideously expensive hotel. The desk manager greeted Reas effusively. "Yes, your worship. The suite is prepared. Our best..."

I jerked to a halt. "Suite? Whoa, Nellie, no you don't. Separate rooms, pal. On different floors, if possible."

The manager looked from me, to Reas, and back again, obviously confused. "But his worship ordered..."

"He's not MY worship, and I don't care what he ordered. Separate rooms."

"Scribe, be reasonable. It's a suite, separate bedrooms."

"That interconnect. I know what a suite is." I glared at the manager. "Please direct me to the American embassy."

"Scribe..."

"I understand they help stranded tourists. I'm sure they can arrange a way for me back home..."

He threw up his hands. "You win. Separate rooms. For now."

"Forever and ever, amen."

"We'll see."

"No, you won't. That's the whole point."

He grinned. "Spitfire. You remind me of someone. I can't wait to introduce you to each other."

"Male or female?"

"Female. Why are you interested?"

"Because any guy who hangs around with you is likely to be just as much of a horn dog. At least with a woman, I won't have to worry about protecting my virtue." He gave me a really peculiar grin when I said that.

"You should take a nap."

I rolled my eyes. "I stopped taking naps when I had to stay up aaaall afternoon in first grade, like a big girl."

"Yes, but here in the Mediterranean, everyone who can takes a nap in the afternoon. The heat..."

"I'm from southeast Texas, I'm acquainted with heat. I'm on vacation, and I don't want to spend it dozing."

Reas crosses his arms, staring at me. "I could insist."

"You could try," I agree. "But unless you intend to sit on me..." I caught sight of his wicked grin, and stopped.

"Well, perhaps not sit on you."

"Yeah, like I'm going near that bedroom now. I'll just go in search of interesting, touristy spots myself, thanks." I dug an English/Greek phrase book out of my things and set off.

"No, wait, I'll come. I can't let you go wandering around a strange country by yourself. You could get eaten."

He caught up with me as I stepped out onto the busy street. "Eaten? By what? Wolves? Bears? Wild dogs?"

I felt a sharp twinge in my posterior, and whirled in time to see a young man kiss his fingertips at me with a grin. "Nope. Greeks." He laid a palm consolingly on the curve of my behind. "Hurts?"

I knocked his hand away and hissed. "Not as much as you will if you don't stop it!" I stalked away.

"Wait up. You need me for protection."

"Yeah, right. I always leave my cat to guard the tuna fish."

His voice was sly. "I wish you wouldn't talk about yourself like that. You actually have a very pleasant scent, kind of like apricots..."

"Stop it. I don't need you. Leave me alone." In ten minutes of trying to make my way along the crowded street, though, I was rethinking that statement. Apparently any American woman was a target, and any American woman with a southern accent had a bull's-eye painted on her bottom that was only visible to Greek men. I kept trying to dodge, but even the grandpas were fast. It wasn't long before I felt like I'd sat on a bee hive. I found myself, back to a wall, covering my aching behind protectively with the phrase book while a man in a business suit tried to shoo me over to a gaggle of what looked like whispering, chuckling frat boys.

I spotted Reas a few yards away, watching. He lifted his dark brows. "Well? Still feeling independent?"

"Do something! If I get pushed into the middle of that group I might not emerge in the same state I went in."

"You ready to let me go back to being a proper host?"

"Yes! Host, tour guide, bodyguard, whatever. Just do something."

"Do you trust me?"

My response was immediate. "Hell no, do I look crazy? But I can't be choosy right now."

"Fair enough."

He shouldered his way through the knot of men, putting himself between me and them. He put a hand on my head, starting to play with my curls. Then he shook a finger at the men and said something in Greek. I haven't seen that many people turn pale at the same time since ex-President Bush's minor surgery, when a radio announcer observed that, while George was under sedation, Dan Quayle was technically in charge.

They faded quickly. Several of them directed earnest babbling at me that could only be some form of apology. "What did you say to them?"

"I said you were my lover, and the next man who touched you would find his own cock removed and stuffed up his ass. If they looked at you disrespectfully, I'd only rip out their eyes."

"Oh. Um. That would do it."

"If you insist on wandering about in the heat, I can at least make sure you see something worth looking at." He flagged down a taxi. "Go on. That is, if you can sit down."

It was uncomfortable, but I managed. He looped an arm around my shoulders as we drove away, and I shrugged him off, scooting to the far side of the seat. He sighed. "You're a stubborn little cuss."

"Nobody else seems to think so. But then, they aren't trying to molest me."

"Well, silly them." He made another grab at me, and I shoved him back. The thing was, he was playing with me, and I knew it, and he knew I knew it. This guy was big, strong, and fast. If he ever really determined to jump my bones... Well, I might have a lot to say about it, but it wouldn't do much good. I just had to believe that he was amusing himself by freaking me out. I mean, with all the groupies he had, that had to be it, right?

"Where are we going?"

"There's a nice temple I want you to see. It's very special to me, and I want to share it."

"Is it public?"

"Yes."

"Good."

He leaned over and murmured confidingly. "You don't really think that would stop me, do you?"

"Wow." Okay, I'm usually much more articulate, but 'wow' was pretty accurate. I suppose the temple was small by, say, Acropolis standards, but it was the biggest one I'D ever seen. Okay, it was the only one I'd ever seen, but it was damn impressive.

We were near the top of a long, steep flight of stairs that led down into a sunken section of the temple. Reas was looking around. "Yes. You should have seen it when it was new."

I gave him a look. "Right." An occasional sight-seer wandered past. I wondered why they didn't react more strongly to him, seeing as he was a national celebrity around here.

"I want to show you something." He led me to a raised stone slab closer to the stairs. "Hm, they moved this. It used to be in the middle of the room, under the skylight. That way anyone lying on it could look up at the stars."

"Nice rock."

"It's not a rock. It's an altar. People offered up sacrifices to the God of War on it."

"I see. What sort of sacrifices? Food? Chickens? Goats?"

"Virgins."

I took a step back. "But I thought the Greeks didn't have human sacrifice."

He ran his hand over the smooth stone surface, a dreamy smile on his face. "Not that type of sacrifice. They didn't kill them. But I do believe it's been called 'a fate worse than death.' Utter rubbish, of course."

"You mean they... uh... on the stone?"

He nodded, eyes gleaming. "Sometimes the god himself would come down and do the honors."

"Oh, please." I backed up some more. "It makes me nervous just to be near that thing."

"Why should it? Unless..."

"Yeah."

"Scribe, are you..."

"I said yeah. Now let's drop the subject."

"Let's not." He came closer.

"Look, you can just get that glint out of your eyes. I don't intend to give it up. Not to you, and particularly not on a cold stone slab."

"I'm sure I can locate somewhere comfy nearby. Come here."

"Oh, hell." I was backing away. I don't really believe I would have fallen down the stairs on my own. I'll never know, because at that moment a purse snatcher chose to strike. And maybe I still wouldn't have fallen, if I hadn't tried to hang on to my purse. That pissed him off, and he shoved.

I tripped backward, and suddenly there was no ground under my feet. I had a nanosecond to wonder how they were going to ship my body back. Then I heard Reas give the most chilling scream of rage I've ever heard. I plunged through a patch of darkness, and landed, butt first, in water.

*Water? What the fuck? You mean I'm not dead?*

I spluttered and stood up. I hadn't known that the temple had a pool in it, but I was awful glad it did.

"Tartarus!" someone nearby yelped.

"You can say that again," I agreed. I didn't know what the heck a Tartarus was, but it sounded close enough to a swear to serve. I raked wet hair out of my face, picking a lily pad off my cheek, and looked around. "Where in the pluperfect hell am I?"

"You... you're in the temple of Ares at Athens... goddess?"

*Goddess?* It was a male voice. I looked around, trying to locate the source, and get my bearings at the same time. The room looked a little familiar. I was standing in what seemed to be a sort of stone-bottomed indoor pool, complete with lily pads. Overhead was a skylight, and in front of me was a large stone slab.

The speaker was kneeling in front of the altar, but had twisted around to look at me. He was a slender, rather gawky looking young man, dressed in the most gawdawful ridiculous looking outfit I'd ever seen. Sort of 'A Funny Thing Happened to Me On the Way to the Forum' meets 'Gladiator', crossed with 'Emeril Live'. The helmet looked like it would be very useful for straining spaghetti.

I waded toward him. He turned to face me, still on his knees, his brown eyes getting very big. I halted at the edge of the pool. I was hip deep in the water, and not feeling frisky enough to haul myself out. "What are you? Tour guide? Life guard?"

He swallowed, then straightened proudly. "Warrior."

"Check. Well, Rambo, how about giving me a hand up out of this pit?"

He got up and came forward, saying apologetically. "I'm not Rambo. My name is Joxer."

"Cute name." I said it absently, but his eyes brightened. I reached toward him. "Gonna help me out, here?"

He hesitated. "Why don't you just use your powers?"

"What powers?"

"Well, since you transported into it... Which goddess are you, anyway? I don't recognize you. You aren't Artemis, or Aphrodite, or Athena, or Hera or Eris, thank Zeus."

"I'm Scribe, and I'm not a goddess by a long shot, you flattering devil, you. Now help me!"

I managed to scramble out with his help. Unfortunately, he didn't stop pulling once I was out. His foot slipped on the water dripping off me, and he fell, still hanging on. I was dragged down. I had a better landing than he did: he cushioned my fall, though that armor was kinda lumpy.

"Aw, geez." I tried to scrabble upright, managing only to sort of squirm on top of him. "Crud, I'm sorry, fella."

"It's all right."

"But I'm getting you soaked."

He had a sort of dreamy look on his face. "No, really, it's all right."

I finally rolled off him and sat up, looking around. "Oh-kay. Now, does this place have security, or do I need to notify the local cops?"

"Cops? As for security... Well, someone would have to be either dumb or suicidal to try to pillage a temple devoted to the God of War. The only thing comparable would be going after one of Strife's temples." He shuddered.

"Uh, right. Okay, no security. So, how do I locate the police?" He looked blank. "Er, gendarms? Bobbies? Heck, what is the name for Greek police? But then, you're speaking English, so you should know what I'm talking about?"

"What's English?"

I looked at him again. "English. A language. From England?" No spark. "Um, Great Britain?"

His face lit up. "Oh, Britannia! Is that where you're from? You do have an interesting accent."

"No, I'm from Texas, and..." I paused. "I have an accent? Wait a minute... No, that would be silly. But... Tell me, Boxer..."

"Joxer."

"Yeah, right. What language do you think I'm speaking?"

He gave me a funny look. "Why the same as me and everyone else around Athens--Greek."

"I have news for you, I can't speak Greek."

"You seem to be doing a pretty good job to me."

"Trust me. I know a few restaurant terms: moussaka, ouzo, souvlaki, baklava, gyros. That's about it. I think maybe I hit my head when I fell, and didn't know it. Could you just call a taxi to take me back to my hotel? A few aspirin should fix me up, and maybe a quick dip in the hot tub, if I can lock Reas out of the room."

"I would be pleased and honored to help you, Goddess Fannie. I only need you to explain a few things."

"The name of my hotel?"

"What is a taxi and aspirin, and isn't it the water that's hot, and not the tub?"

I sat down, groaning. "I have such a headache."

"Maybe you're about to give birth."

I looked up sharply, then said carefully, "No, that isn't an option. And I think the pains would be located much further south if it were."

"Not necessarily." He sat beside me. "After all, Athena sprang fully grown from Zeus' head. Maybe you're going to have a godling. I wonder what positions they have left open?"

"Ain't pregnant, Foxy."

"That's Joxer."

"Where I come from, foxy means pretty much the same as sexy."

His face fairly glowed. "Really?"

"Don't get your tunic in a twist. I was just being friendly. Well..." I stood up. "There's usually a taxi or at least a phone booth somewhere near these touristy thingies. In fact, Reas left the taxi outside, so maybe I can sneak into it without him noticing and leave his behind behind. Oo, question is, will he trust me on the fare till I get back to my hotel and notify American Express to have my traveler's checks replaced?" I noticed the confused look on his face and said, "Ignore me. I'm just talking to myself. It helps me think things out." He nodded. "That makes sense to you?" He nodded again. "Wow. I think I like you." Another beam.

He followed me as I made my way outside, and bumped into me when I screeched to a halt. I looked at him. "All right. What happened to the road?"

He sighed. "It is a bit nasty. I think someone was driving a herd of goats into town, and didn't have enough courtesy to take them on the grass."

"No, I mean, where's the pavement? That was a two lane when I went in there. Concrete. Double yellow line." I waved at a grassy area to the side. "There was a parking lot over there. I think they charged five drachmae to park. Highway robbery."

He nodded. "Yes, those bandits are a curse. Xena and Gabrielle and I have had a lot of run-ins with them."

I stared at him. "I begin to believe that you are not being deliberately obtuse, but actually don't have a clue as to what I'm talking about." He nodded again. "Uh oh." I peered at him again. "I tell ya what, Joker..."

"Joxer."

"Right. I'm going to mention a few things. You tell me whether or not they mean anything to you." I cleared my throat. "Television." He shook his head. "Telephones." Shake. "Automobiles." Shake. "McDonalds." Shake. "MTV." Shake. "Survivor."

He frowned. "Of a war, or of a natural disaster?"

"Thank God that one isn't in existence. What year is this?"

"It's the fifth year of Augustus Caesar's reign in Rome. Does that help?"

I groaned, sitting down on a stone and holding my head. "No, not really."

PART 2

Um, Goddess Scribe?"

I sighed, not looking up. "Done told ya, Docker, I'm not a goddess."

"Joxer. Okay, then demi-goddess, if you prefer, though I've never seen one with powers like you have."

I raised my head to look at him. "What powers? Certainly can't be powers of observation, because it took me long enough to figure out I was no longer in my own damn year... or dimension... or universe. Whatever. Crap, I'm confusing myself."

"I do that sometimes. Anyway, I was just going to say that if you don't have your own temple nearby to sleep in, maybe you'd like to come back to the camp with me? I'm sure that Xena and Gabrielle won't mind." He thought for a minute. "Well, Gabrielle might, but Xena has the final word."

I sighed. "I suppose that's as good a plan as any. If I just sit out here I might get eaten by a satyr or something."

"Oh, you wouldn't have to worry about a satyr eating you. No, but he would..." I was staring at him. He trailed off, blushing. "Unless you meant eating in the sense of..." I cocked an eyebrow at him. He cleared his throat. "Y'see, some of Meg's girls like, uh... I think maybe I better stop before you blast me with a power ball."

"Never had any luck at Powerball myself, though I DID buy a few chances when the jackpot got up to 125 million. I usually just buy the scratch offs. Anyway, what you said."

"Huh?"

I stood up. "You lead--I'm hopeless with directions. I get lost in doctors' offices."

"This way." He led me across the road and into the trees. He was right about the goats. I had to swerve more than a slalom racer to get across unbesmirched. Joxer kept up a running commentary. "I hope you don't mind not staying in a tavern, but Xena decided to conserve a little of our cash by spending the last night of the trip outside the city, and we found a good camping spot. Clear, grassy area, with lots of wood and water nearby. Xena was fishing when I left, and she already had a pretty good string, and I think Gabrielle will probably have a rabbit from one of her snares, so there should be plenty of food."

As we walked, I considered. *Joxer, Xena, Gabrielle, Temple of Ares... Oh, damn all fanfiction clichés, I've landed my butt in the Xenaverse. If I had to fall into a fictional dimension, why couldn't it have been X Files? At least I'd have indoor plumbing, air conditioning, and flights back to Texas.*

We entered a small clearing, and there was a cheerful fire crackling in a ring of stones. A brunette was sitting on a saddle, sharpening a sword. *A sword. A fucking sword, that has undoubtedly killed people. Maybe I should've stayed at the temple.* A smaller blonde was tending something on a green twig rack over the fire. *God, leather, leather everywhere.*

The two women looked up alertly. Gabrielle's hand dropped down to hover over her staff. I held up my hands, palm out. *When people are armed and nervous, immediately let 'em know you're harmless.* "Hiya. Here on invitation. No threat." I paused, considering some of my writing. "Well, to anything but your sensibilities, anyway."

Joxer said, "Xena, Gabrielle, this is Scribe, Goddess of..." He looked at me expectantly.

"Oh, what the hell. Goddess of Serialized Internet Smutfiction. It's limited, but it's mine. At least I don't think anyone around here and now will challenge me for the title."

Gabrielle sighed, going back to tend her cooking. "Joxer, when are you going to stop picking up strays?"

"I resent that, Blondie. I'm not a stray, I'm a lost."

Xena sat back down and resumed her task. "All right, we can help you get home. Where's home?"

"Winnie, Texas."

They all stared at me. Joxer finally said, "Is that anywhere near Thebes?"

"Um, no. I'm not sure how many thousands of miles away it is. I never felt the urge to look up the distance on the How Far Is It? website." They all stared again. "You know, I don't stand on ceremony, but this staring is a little rude."

Xena shrugged. "If you're going to go around dressed as a man, you have to expect that."

"Oh, and this from a woman wearing leather battle gear and a sword. Besides, these are Venezia jeans, a work shirt from the Delta Burke collection, and I bought the Nikes at LADY Footlocker, so there."

Gabrielle frowned. "Have you, like, hit your head recently?"

Joxer piped up. "No, I think she landed in the ceremonial pool bottom first."

Now Xena and Gabrielle stared at HIM. Xena said slowly, "What ceremonial pool?"

Gabrielle looked threatening. "The only temple anywhere near here is dedicated to Ares."

I (finally) looked up alertly. "Say, would this Ares person happen to be tall, dark, dark eyed, bearded, devastatingly sexy, with a slightly overwhelming aura of self-assurance bleeding into arrogance? Got that 'I want it, it's mine, screw you if you don't like the idea' attitude?"

They all three nodded. Xena contributed, "Ares--War, you know?"

I sat down, putting my head in my hands again. "I do now. Ares--Reas. When the hell will I learn never to agree to anything if I haven't had some caffeine?" I groaned as a thought struck me. "Oh, God, no Diet Coke. No iced tea. No Kool-Ade. Iffy water."

Gabrielle said, "I don't know what any of those things you named are, except the water, but there's no point in moaning because you can't have it."

"Stuff it," I said shortly. "Don't give me the 'shut up and make do' speech, okay? Hey, I know that I'm in relative good health (as long as you don't worry about that mental thing), I'm not blind or crippled or deaf. I'm not bleeding. I'm not in prison or the hospital. I'm not wanted by the FBI or the IRS, nor am I on the front page of the tabloids. I'm just saying that for an Anglo-Saxon, over thirty woman I'm not having a good day! Shut up and let me feel sorry for myself for a little while. I've earned it." They blinked at me. "I'm a soft, spoiled twenty-first century woman, and I like it that way."

Gabrielle said, "What do you mean, twenty-first century? Where are you counting from?"

"Oh, look, I can't explain this to you! How can I explain A.D. to someone who's still B.C. and I'm sounding more and more screwy, aren't I?"

Joxer got a skin bottle out of his pack and brought it to me. "Here, maybe a drink will help."

I took it. "Thanks, sweetie." I gave myself a faceful of water. "Well, that was refreshing--not. Is there a trick to this?"

"Point carefully and make sure your mouth is open before you tilt it."

On the second try I managed to get most of it in my mouth and a minimum down my cleavage, not that it made much different, since I was still wet. "You're a good host," I told him. I arched an eyebrow. "unlike some people."

Gabrielle flushed. "The food is almost done. Joxer, did you get those leaves, like I asked?"

Joxer flushed. "Um, I forgot."

"We need those to eat off. I ask you to do one thing..." she growled.

"Will you quit sniping at him?! He was justifiably distracted," I growled right back.

Joxer said anxiously, "Don't zap her!"

Xena looked interested. "Zap?"

"Xena," Joxer said, "I know you're pretty bold about how you talk to the gods, but you really should be careful when you meet one for the first time. Now, Goddess Scribe seems to be a remarkably tolerant and good natured deity, but..."

"Deity?" Gabrielle gaped.

"Locker, I only zap people verbally, and I was just joking with you before. I'm NOT a goddess."

"Joxer. But I've never known anyone who wasn't a deity who could just appear out of thin air."

I stood up. "Howsabout we go find these leaves that Bardgirl wants?"

"Oh," he said, "You don't have to..."

"C'mon." I tugged him toward the woods again. "I want to help. Besides, I need you to show me some safe vegetation. There isn't any Charmin around here, and the problem IS going to come up at some point."

"Who's Charmin?"

"Someone who doesn't like to be squeezed."

Joxer nodded understandingly. "Must be an Amazon."

"Possibly. Anyway..." We headed into the woods. "Okay, you know the little bodily functions that we all, male and female, have to deal with?"

"Sneezing?"

"That's one of them, but I can wipe my nose on my sleeve. Try to think of another thing that would require wiping part of your body, but you probably wouldn't want to use your garments."

"Sweating?" I looked at him. He blushed. "Oh. Oh! And you want to learn the right kind of leaves or grass for...?"

"I don't want to end up with poison oak or ivy in a sensitive place, yes."

"Yes, you'd better learn that right now. Okay, don't use that one there, whatever you do."

"Hacker, it has thorns."

"Joxer. Yeah." He shuddered. "I'd rather not think about the time I grabbed some of that on a moonless night. Try to find some of this stuff instead. It works well, and it's fresh smelling, too. Oh, here are the leaves Gabrielle wanted. See? Broad and sturdy enough to put the food on, and not poisonous."

"That would be a characteristic to look for." We started back toward the camp. "Hey, who shoved a stick up the cook's butt? She's not the most friendly, hospitable person I've ever run into."

"Gabrielle? She doesn't really mean it."

"Then why does she do it? I mean, Xena isn't exactly the Welcome Wagon Lady, but at least she wasn't openly snotty."

"Gabrielle isn't really like that. It's just that I sort of rub her the wrong way. If you'd come in on your own, I'm sure you'd have been welcomed without hesitation."

I stared at him. "She's got an attitude because I came with you? Do you consider that an acceptable explanation?"

"Well..."

"Jackson, from what I've seen so far you're a nice guy. A little dorky, yes, but I've always kinda liked dorky, having been a semi-geek myself in high school. You haven't been, like, pinching her butt, or anything, to get her P.O'ed with you?"

"Joxer. No, I'd never do that. I mean," he gave me what I think was supposed to be a suave look, "I'm a lover, but I'm also a gentleman."

"Very cool. Mocker..."

"Joxer. Yes?"

"You are aware that I'm doing the thing with your name on purpose, aren't you?"

"Um..."

"You didn't really believe that I couldn't remember your name, did you? I mean, I'd have to be deaf, stupid, or incredibly insensitive and self-centered. Which did you think I was?"

He looked flustered. "None of those. I just... I'm not used to..." His voice dropped, and he looked down. "Sometimes I don't seem to really register with people, except as an annoyance."

I threw an arm around his shoulder as we approached the camp. "You ain't been hanging around with the right people, m'man."

He gaped. "Your man?"

"It's an expression, Joxer, an expression. Like, if I was to stand up in the prow of a ship and throw my arms wide open and yell I'm king of the world! it wouldn't actually mean I was, or I thought I was."

"Of course not. You're a woman, so the proper term would be 'queen'."

"I'm not even going to try to explain Leo DiCapprio to you. Hell, I can't explain him to myself."

We approached the little clearing to find Xena and Gabrielle standing tensely, side by side, weapons in hand, facing down a tall, leather clad figure, who was standing with his back to us. Xena didn't take her eyes off the man, but her voice rose in pitch. "I'm telling you that she isn't here, whoever she is."

I very quietly stepped back into the trees and crouched as low as I could. Joxer stood still. I could see him eyeing the distance to his pack, where his sword lay. I sent him telepathic orders not to do anything stupid. Unfortunately Gabrielle seemed to intercept the transmission, and scramble it to 'do something stupid', because she looked right at Joxer and gave her head a slight jerk toward the trees. The visitor, being neither blind nor stupid, immediately turned around, his right hand suddenly coated with what looked like crackling red static electricity.

Joxer's mouth fell open, then he bowed. "My god."

The clothes were a little different (even more leather, but somehow covering less flesh), but the face and the attitude were familiar. Reas, otherwise known as Ares. He examined the mismatched armor, then said, "Is there a costume party, and I just didn't get invited?"

Joxer's voice was respectful. "I am Joxer the Mighty, great Ares, your humble follower."

The crackle and sparkles died away. "The Mighty? You? A warrior?"

Ares turned his back on Joxer. Another dig. In a tense situation like this, a warrior would never turn his back on anyone he considered a threat. "Look, Xena, I know for a fact that she landed in my temple. I had to send her somewhere so suddenly that I wasn't even sure she'd make a safe landing. I had to take a few minutes to chase down and deal with the idiot who caused her accident." In the firelight, I could see his cruel smile. "I'd like to see how they explain that mess I made. Well, she wasn't there, so that means she was either healthy enough to wander off, or someone took her, and I run across you. Have you got her stashed somewhere?"

Gabrielle scowled at him. "What makes you think that we'd bother with your bed toy, Ares?"

I held down an indignant growl. I wouldn't have minded if I thought that Gabby was just putting it on to fool Ares, but I had the feeling she meant it.

"Oh, she's more than just a bed toy, Scribbler."

"What makes her any different from any other poor woman you've randomly abducted to satisfy your lust, Ares?" asked Xena.

"Oh, please. Act impulsively a few dozen times and look at the reputation you get. I don't feel inclined to tell you. All right, maybe she followed the road to town. I'll check there next. If you find her before I do, hang onto her and give me a call. I'll make it worth your while."

Gabrielle was trying to look scornful, but some interest peeked through. "How?"

"I won't kill you."

*FLASH!*

Red sparkles, and he was gone. Everyone was silent for a moment, looking around cautiously. Finally Xena said, "It should be safe."

Joxer came over to me. "You can come out now."

"I don't think so. I'm actually pretty comfortable here. There aren't very many bugs or twigs... Oh look, a snake. I think I'll move--quickly." I did. I managed to stop before I ran out the other side of the clearing.

Gabrielle pointed her staff at me. "What does Ares want with you?"

"My secret recipe for chicken salad." Gabrielle scowled. "And put down that darn stick unless you intend to pole vault with it."

"Gabrielle," Xena said, "the fish is going to burn." Gabrielle put down her stick and rescued the food. "Scribe, sit down before you faint."

"I don't faint." But I sat down. "Besides, considering what I've been through, I'd have a perfect right to faint."

Xena sat beside me. "How did you manage to attract Ares's attention?"

"I was stupid enough to enter a radio contest and smart enough to win."

"A what contest?"

"Oh, for heaven's... Let me ask you something--do you have a tendency to burn people at the stake or other nasty activities if you don't understand them, and think they might be a witch, or something?"

Xena rubbed her jaw, studying me. "Not unless they're a menace to others."

"Glad to hear it. I'm a menace only to myself. I'm going to try to save myself future explanations." I raised my voice. "Listen up, people!" Joxer and Gabrielle looked over. "I'm from the future--two thousand years, give or take a century, and a country several thousand miles away that hasn't been discovered yet. I'm here by accident, and I'd really, really like to go home, time and space wise, so if you have any ideas, I'd appreciate it if you'd speak up." Silence. A cricket chirped. I sighed. "Thought so."

Joxer said carefully, "It isn't that we don't believe you..."

"But it's unbelievable," Gabrielle said flatly.

I threw up my hands. "Y'all can believe gods and goddesses of all sorts, winged horses, minotaurs, harpies, hydras, shades, spells, people coming back from the dead on a more or less regular basis, and you have trouble believing my story?"

Joxer looked thoughtful. "She has a point."

Xena said, "All right, we'll take it as a given that you're from the future. Why did Ares bring you here?"

I scowled. "Damned if I know. He was pretty horny, but it hardly seemed necessary to go through so much trouble. I mean, I was fast running out of places to run. I think it was something of a spur of the moment thing. I was in the process of falling down a flight of stairs. I think he sort of zapped me before I could hit bottom."

Gabrielle was doling food out on the leaves. "Whatever. Let's eat before it gets cold. His reasons won't have changed by tomorrow."

I sat by Joxer, took my leaf, and examined its contents. The fish I recognized. It was minus guts and scales, but otherwise intact. I just love food that can look back at me. There was also something that looked like... Well, I don't know. Undifferentiated animal protein. I elbowed him and pointed at it. "What?"

Joxer looked. "That's a haunch."

"Okay. A haunch of what?"

"Rabbit."

I know I had a pained expression. "Oh, no. Poor Peter Cottontail. Here." I transferred the lump to Joxer's leaf. "Have at."

He tried to hand it back. "Oh, no, I couldn't! You'll need your strength."

"Joxer, please. I can't eat that. Someone tried to sneak squirrel past on me once, but I found out in time. I'll eat the fish."

"Well, here, take my fish, then."

"Okay." I giggled.

He smiled, "What?"

"It's just that I haven't swapped lunch with someone since junior high. You wouldn't happen to have a pudding cup, would you?"

"Will you two just eat?" Gabrielle groused.

"Oh, hush, Blondie." The fish tasted pretty good, once I got around the bones, and I was getting in a better mood. "We're having fun, and it's no skin off your probiscus. By the way, thanks for cooking. It's pretty good."

She looked a little surprised. "Thank you."

"I can cook, too, but only if I have a gas stove and a can opener."

Joxer stopped chewing for a moment. "What's a can?"

I sighed. "Um, airtight metal containers that hold food."

"Airtight?"

"I'll explain it some other time. It's not anything vital right now."

Xena pointed at my fish remains. "You're letting a lot go to waste."

"You're welcome to it, if you want it, but I'm not eating the head. That's a little too Dogpatch for me."

Gabrielle scolded, "Some day you'll want that. You'll be without food and..."

"...and there are starving children in China who'd be grateful to have my spinach. I know, Mom, I know. You can tell me 'I told you so' when that happens. In the meantime..." I flipped the fish remains into the fire, like the others had, then took a bite of the leaf it had been sitting on. That got me stares. "What? You don't believe in salads?" I munched. It wasn't too bad, especially with the fish juice. I swallowed. "I used to eat the parsley garnish, and Joxer said it was non-toxic."

Gabrielle said, "It's also an excellent laxative, if you need one."

I spit out the second mouthful I'd taken and sighed. "My life just gets better and better."

PART 3

I dropped the leaf. "I suppose it's a good thing that I got you to show me the local safe vegetation, Joxer. It seems I'll be needing it soon. So tell me, is there some protocol about direction, distance, or location?"

Gabrielle frowned. "You act like you've never done this before."

"Look, aside from a camping trip when I was too far from the public restrooms at the camp ground and one incident on a marathon car trip when I was about eight which I would rather forget, the situation never came up. I rate indoor flush toilets as the second greatest manmade invention ever." I looked at Joxer. "I rank air conditioning as the first. I'm from Southeast Texas."

"I'd say anywhere concealed, downwind, and where people are unlikely to step in it," he offered.

"Imminently sensible." I went to the outer rim of the clearing and started plucking handfuls of likely looking vegetation. I brought it back and made a little pile. Xena and Gabrielle were staring at me. "You've obviously never been trapped in a stall with an empty spindle. I have. Not pleasant."

"You don't make a lot of sense," Xena said. "Are you sure you don't belong to Strife?"

"Who?" Again looks. "Oh, yeah, right. God of Mischief. What makes you think that? It isn't as if I've really caused you any problems--yet."

"You're acting a little nuts," Gabrielle said bluntly.

"Thank you." More stares. "I find unrelieved sanity boring." I looked at Joxer. "Don't you?" He nodded, helmet wobbling. "You're sweet." Joxer smiled. Gabrielle made a face, and I caught it. "You're not."

"It's time for bed." Xena rummaged in her pack. "I have a spare blanket for her. Gabrielle, how about you?"

Gabrielle was looking grumpy, and Joxer said quickly, "I have an extra. You can have it, Goddess Scribe, till we can get you your own in town."

"Such a gentleman." I patted Joxer on the arm as he handed me the blanket. "But sweetie, quit calling me a goddess. People will expect me to do magic, and I can't even do the 'guess your card' trick."

Xena handed me a blanket, and the others started spreading them on the ground. I stood there, watching. Xena said, "Come on."

"Something just occurred to me. This is the very same ground that I lately saw a snake on."

"Don't worry," said Joxer. "They don't come around the fire. Well... hardly ever."

"Maybe I ought to get some of those thorny things and put them around my bed."

Gabrielle snorted. "Snakes have protective scales."

"Thank you for that observation, Jeff Corey. Have you often seen them slithering on the thorny branches?"

"Um... no."

"Check. Does anyone have some heavy gloves I could borrow?" Multiple head shakes. "Drat. Oh, well, better thorns in the thumbs than fangs in the bum." I started back toward the trees. Something howled in the distance. "Or maybe not." I started spreading out my blanket.

Joxer said, "I can spread my roll between you and the trees. That should keep any of them that come out of the woods away from you." He shuffled his feet. "That is, if you wouldn't mind having me sleeping next to you."

"Why would I mind that?"

He seemed surprised. "Well..."

"You don't intend to migrate during the night without asking permission, do you?"

"Oh, no!"

"Fine." I sat down on what was now my blanket. Joxer took off his helmet, then started to unlace his breast plate. I couldn't help it. I started singing 'The Stripper'. "Duh duh dum, da duh duh dum..." He paused, looking at me curiously. I smiled. He started unlacing again. "Duh duh dum, da duh da duh duh duh dah..." He stopped, I stopped. I smiled. He pulled off the breast plate and dropped it. "Dum. BAM!" He started to take off a shin guard. "Dum." He dropped it. "BAM!" He was starting to smile, shifting his hips in time to the 'music'. "Da duh..." He took off the other shin guard. "BAM!" He bumped his hips. "BAM! Do a grind!" I made a sound that I fondly believed approximated the growl of brass. "Rrrraaahdada, rrrrahdada, rrrrrrraaaaaaah..." He put his hands behind his head and did a grind that Gypsy Rose Lee would have been proud of.

I jumped up and yelled, "Take it off!"

"No!" It was a chorus from Xena and Gabrielle.

I stuck my tongue out at them. "Spoil sports." Joxer had stopped, and was blushing. I grinned at him. "Whoo, and you're stone cold sober. I'd like to see you after a few tequila shooters."

"What's tequila?" he asked as we both sat back down.

"Depending on who you talk to, either nectar or delayed action poison. There's a saying--one tequila, I'm handsome. Two tequilas, I'm witty, three tequilas, I'm bulletproof. Four tequilas, I'm invisible."

"Sounds like some mead I've run into. What are bullets?"

I ignored the question. Hell, I'M not too sure of how guns work. "Or one is fine, two's the most, three, under the table, four, under the host." He chuckled. "Like that one? I got it from 'Are You Being Served?'"

"Sounded like someone was being served," Gabrielle muttered.

I gave her an arch look. "If you must snark, be accurate. The term is 'serviced', not 'served'." I looked back at Joxer. "Lots of upper level English courses--nothing else to do with them."

He frowned. "What's English?"

I flopped back on the blanket with a sigh. "Oooh, it's a whole 'nother world here." I felt an (unfortunately) familiar bubbling sensation in my abdomen. "But certain physical laws still apply." I stood up, grabbing a handful of leaves, and started toward the trees. I hesitated, then went back to the bed roll and grabbed a second handful. "Just in case." Then I went into the trees, and no, I will not go into details about what transpired. You know damn good and well what happened. Luckily two handfuls were enough. The process wasn't as messy as I had feared. A bit of natures own sanitizer (that's spit for those who haven't guessed) on the hands and some clean grass, and I... Well, I didn't feel too groady, but I was thinking fondly of that pool I'd fallen into.

I went back to the clearing. Xena and Gabrielle were already lying down close to each other. Gabrielle lifted up a little, watching me, and I said, "So help me, if you sniff, I'll think of something really nasty to do to you." She laid back down.

I crawled into my bed roll. Joxer looked at me sympathetically. "Feeling better?"

"I've been worse. I have to remember that stuff for if I ever get the opposite problem."

"Next time ask me before you eat it. I'm good at remembering what's poison and what isn't." He thought for a minute. "Except with mushrooms. Better avoid those, to be on the safe side."

"Gotcha. Night night, Jox. Sweet dreams."

"May Morpheus bring you nothing but pleasant fantasies."

"Thanks, hon. You know, I'd wish to wake up and find out that this had all been a dream if not for two things."

"What are they?"

"One, I wouldn't have met you, and you're a pretty cool person. Two, I loath 'it was all just a dream' endings."

The ground was hard (well, compared to my Posturepedic), there were weird noises, and an occasional bug, but I was exhausted. For the first time in my life I fell asleep outside, under the night sky, on the ground.

Everyone talks about how peaceful and quiet the woods are. Hah! Give me motors, barking dogs, and car alarms any day of the week. The sounds in the woods may be quieter, but every teeny little crackle and thud has so many unpleasant possible sources that it more than makes up for the lower decibels.

I must've dozed off a half dozen times, and jerked awake just as many times. Then I heard a few sounds that were familiar. They were familiar because I watch a lot of pay-per-view, and... Well, since Ellen Degeneres it's gotten to be sorta fashionable, ya know. I guess I shouldn't have, but I peeked across the campfire. Only one of the bedrolls was occupied, but it wasn't because someone was off in the bushes answering the call of nature. A different sort of call of nature was being answered. The covering blanket heaved and rolled, and there was an occasional glimpse of blonde hair. Funny, I would have expected Xena to be on top.

Instead I turned over, facing the other way, making as much noise as possible. Immediately the rustling, moaning, and sighing stopped. There was a brief, frantic whispering, then silence. *Applied--one wet blanket. And if you hadn't been so snotty, Gabster, I'd have just squeezed my eyes shut and ignored it.* This time I was heading for real slumber. *I wonder what the female equivalent of blue balls is?*

There was a little gray light filtering down through the leaves when I felt a timid touch on my shoulder. I kept my eyes shut. Sure, it wasn't the best resting place I'd ever had, but that didn't mean I was ready to be rousted at such an ungodly hour. The touch came again, and I heard Joxer say, "Goddess Scribe?"

*Yep, figures. I don't think either of the gals would have been that deferential. Hmm. Time for a little more fun.* I barely slitted one eye so that I could bet my bearings, then I threw my arms around his neck and dragged him down beside me. "Mmmmm... honeybear..." I cooed.

"Oh. Uh... um..." He was tensed, but he didn't try to pull away.

I rubbed my face against his shoulder. "Poooookieeee..."

I heard Gabriel's voice, disgusted. "Oh, for heaven's sake, Joxer!"

"Well," he said, "I heard that it's not good to wake up someone who's dreaming too suddenly."

I threw a leg over him. "Sweeeeetieee..." *Whups! What is that, as if I didn't know? Time to stop. I don't want the poor guy to be frustrated.* I opened my eyes to find his blushing face very close. I made my voice small and breathy. "Oh! Joxer, I AM sorry. I must've been dreaming."

"Probably a nightmare," muttered Gabrielle.

"If you don't stop that I'll be forced to think uncharitable thoughts about you." She looked unimpressed. "Uncharitable thoughts are often followed by uncharitable deeds."

She huffed, "Well, I never!"

I couldn't resist it. I wiggled my eyebrows and cooed, "Sure didn't seem like it last night."

I bet I'm one of the few people around who's ever seen Xena, Warrior Princess, blush in embarrassment. *snicker*

We gathered up camp and started off through the woods. Xena was in the lead of course. Hell, she was the only one on a horse, so it wasn't surprising. It was just as well--I wasn't particularly interested in having Argo breathing on my back. Gabrielle managed to pretty much keep up with her, and Joxer and I brought up the rear.

He'd put his 'armor' (please note... what the hell do you call those half-a-quotation marks, anyway? They have to have a formal name, but English class was a long time ago, and... Wait a minute. Apostrophes. Please pardon the stream of consciousness. Please note the apostrophes, because that stuff could only be considered armor in an alternate universe, alternate being considered to whatever universe it occupied.) back on, and he clanked along cheerfully. I began to get the impression that being left behind and ignored was not a new experience to him, and that was a shame.

*Like I told him, he isn't hanging around with the right people.* "Tell me, Joxer, who are your friends?"

Joxer gestured up toward the two women. "Gabby and Xena."

"Riiiight. Who else?"

"Well, uh..." he thought. "Um, I suppose Hercules and Iolaus."

"Riiiight." *And if I remember correctly, that's pretty much the same 'out of the way, dork' relationship as you have with the female versions up ahead.* "And?"

His brow furrowed, then he smiled. "Jett and Jayce."

"Those are family, different type of friendship. Who else?"

He thought. "Salmoneus, I guess. At least as long as I have a few dinars. Uh... Argo..."

"We don't count companion animals, and Argo wouldn't qualify, anyway. Anyone else?" He was quiet. I sighed. "You didn't list me."

His expression brightened. "Could I?"

I lifted off his helmet and rubbed my fist briskly against his head, giving him a half-power noogie. "If you don't, I'll do this to you on a regular basis."

He grinned as I put the helmet back down. "Okay, Goddess Scribe is my friend."

It looked like convincing him I wasn't a goddess was going to be harder than I'd expected. "If we're friends, you don't have to use the title. We've got to work on locating some new friends for you, dude."

PART 4

So we hiked. Have I mentioned how much I hate walking? That's one reason why I've never been that much of a shopper, aside from finances. Plus looking at the size labels on clothing tends to make me nauseous. We finally came to Athens. Boy, what a difference a couple of millenia can make.

No skyscrapers, and the only paving was cobblestones on some of the bigger streets. Everything else was hard packed dirt. Boy, I hoped I wasn't here when the rainy season came. I mean, they didn't have showers. With my luck I'd take a face first dive into a puddle and have to wear it for a couple of days.

Athens was a bustlin' sorta place. Aside from the costumes and the haircuts, the population looked pretty much as it had back in my time. Or should that be forward in my time? Boy, time travel will mess up your concept of reality.

I stared, I'll admit it. Especially when a couple of beefy barbarians dressed in what looked like leather handkerchiefs and assorted crude armbands walked by. I gave a wolf whistle. I guess it hadn't changed much down through the centuries, 'cause they looked around and grinned. Unfortunately they also started to walk over, and I got the impression that I was in danger of being a lot more than pinched.

I scooted behind Xena, who'd been looking at me in astonished disbelief. She sighed and put her hand on her sword. The two stopped, considered, then left, but not before muttering something in a strange language. I don't know what they said, but Joxer blushed.

Xena rounded on me. "What were you thinking of?"

"I was thinking that if there was a good breeze I'd get a free show." Gabrielle made a gargling sound that I assume signified disapproval. "Heck, I was just expressing a little almost innocent admiration. I didn't think they'd take it seriously. That's the difference between guys and girls. Guys assume you mean it and accept."

"Well, restrain yourself!" Xena snapped. "I don't want to have to be hauling your butt out of trouble every time I turn around. Try to be less conspicuous."

"This from a woman wearing a leather bustierre and carrying a sword."

We kept walking, and Joxer said, "I would have defended you, Goddess Scribe."

I patted his arm. "I know you would, sweetie. Do we have to go much farther? We've passed a dozen places that look like inns."

"We're going to Meg's place. She always give us a good rate. Of course, if it's really busy, we might end up having to sleep in the tavern section, so the girls can do business."

I cocked my head at him. "What do they do--sell Amway?"

He looked puzzled (a natural expression for Joxer, as I was learning). "I don't think she has a girl named Amway. There was an Amy the last time I was there." Another blush. "She was... um... popular."

*So it's the world's oldest profession, and I don't mean baking.*

We came to a large, well kept looking building. "So, what's its name?"

"The Drunken Barbarian," Joxer replied.

"You know, a place with that name would be a great success in my time." We went in. The inside wasn't in quite as good a shape as the outside. I mean it wasn't dirty, but talk about jumbled. Tables and chairs any which way but the way they were designed to be used. Broken crockery on the floor. A snoring barbarian on the floor. I looked at Joxer. "Looks like the aftermath of a few conventions I've attended."

A middle aged woman was cleaning up, straightening furniture. Xena went to her and said, "We need to speak to Meg."

"She's sleepin'," the woman grunted.

Xena raised her voice. Boy, could she project. "Meg!"

There was a thump from upstairs. A woman who looked like a very slightly softer version of Xena (low cut dress instead of leather) appeared at the top of the stairs. A naked man (an *ahem* agitated naked man) was right behind her. "Hey, I'm not through yet!"

"Yeah, you are," Meg's voice was husky. "You used up your time a couple of hours ago. I just didn't kick ya out because you're cute, but you're not cute enough to interrfer with business." He grumbled and stomped back upstairs.

Meg trotted over, grinning. "Hi, guys!" She went straight to Joxer and gave him a hug that involved the full body. "Joxie!" She shook him lightly. "Great to see you again. When are you gonna leave these two and come to work for me?" She elbowed him. "I can set you up with all the patrician ladies you can handle." She snickered. "Or all the patrician men!"

Joxer turned beet red. "Hi, Meg. We're just here for a stop over."

"Gee, babe, I'm kinda crowded right now. Lemme think." She squinted. "Okay, I can clear two rooms for you tonight."

Gabrielle spoke up. "We'll need three."

Meg shook her head. "Three? I have overhead to cover, toots. I can't afford to have that much space out of action. Now, granted that some of the customers don't mind the occasional orgy downstairs, but..."

Xena pointed at me. "We have an extra member of the party."

"Oh, woo! I'm a party member! Don't tell my grandpa--he always votes Democrat," I offered.

Meg peered at me as if just seeing me. "Oh, so you do!" She eyed me up and down. "Cross dressing? Say, if you're interested I could set you up with a good number of curious patrician ladies." She looked at the pants. "Or short sighted men who like boys but aren't quite ready to make the leap yet."

"Meg!" Joxer scolded. "This is the Goddess Scribe!"

"A goddess, huh? Boy, wouldn't that pull in the customers?" she chortled. "I'll give you a sixty/forty split, sixty on your side."

Joxer blinked and looked at me. "Wow, she must really think you have potential. The best she ever offered me was fifty/fifty, and I'd have had to pay for linens."

"The one time in my life someone wants to recruit me, and it's a madam. No, thanks, Meg," I answered.

She shrugged. "Well, it's a standing offer. Anyway, two rooms--that's it."

Joxer said, "Scribe, maybe you could sleep with Gabby and Xena."

Gabby and Xena exchanged glances, and Meg said, "Three in a bed? Kinky! If you're willing I could set up show times and..."

"Meg," Gabby scolded. "Don't you ever think about anything but sex?"

"Sure. I think about money a lot, too." She turned to Joxer. "So why can't you two share a room?"

Joxer rubbed the toe of his boot on the floor. "Um..."

Gabby jumped in. "She can sleep down here."

Meg looked doubtful. "Well, she could, but she already said she wasn't interested in working, and with the number of drunk soldiers we get in here..."

"Oh, stop it," I sighed. "I can share a room with Joxer. It's not like the League of Decency is outside with their ears pressed to the door." I smiled at him. "Joxer? Do you know what the word 'no' means?"

He blinked. "Yes?"

"Yes, you know that no means no, or yes, no means yes?"

He blinked twice. "I don't know."

"It shouldn't be a problem."

Xena counted out the money to Meg, who tucked it in her bosom. I was impressed, especially since it was coins and not folding money. I thought that you had to wear a bra to be able to use your bust for a piggy bank.

Xena and Gabrielle decided to head over to a bath house. I declined, because I've done the communal shower thing (summer camp), and I don't care for it. Meg assured me that I could have a good sized tub to stand up in later that evening. She offered to arrange for a paying customer to watch. I declined. And I used to think that only guys had a one track mind when it came to sex.

"How about you, Joxer?" I asked.

"I usually head to a temple first thing. There's a temple to Ares up the block, if you'd like to come."

"Joxer, it was Ares who hauled my butt into this dimension. He was also more interested in my butt than I am comfortable with. You were at one of his temples just last night. Isn't there some other nice, safe deity you could go worship?"

He thought. "I haven't prayed to Aphrodite for a while." He sighed. "I gave up on Gabby a long time ago."

I frowned. "Then why do you moon after her?"

"It's good for her ego."

I smiled at him. "You have hidden depths, Joxer. She's a silly bitch for not liking you." He glowed. "Yeah, I wouldn't mind a trip to Aphrodite's temple."

"Good!" He started digging in his pack. "I have something in here for an offering for her. Ah!" He came up with what looked like a rock.

I examined it as we left the inn. "Cool. I used to have a rock collection when I was a kid. It wasn't, like, labeled or anything. It was just some smooth rocks I liked, and kept in a box."

"This is special! Look," he pointed to a shallow groove that ran entirely around the rock. I cocked an eyebrow at him. "It took me a long time to rasp this out, but I think I finally got it deep enough. I need a metal smith's shop."

I pointed. "Well, THAT place has a metal pot hanging over the door, and there are a lot of banging sounds coming from it."

We went inside, and sure enough, a man was banging dents out of a copper tub. Joxer said, "Excuse me? Could I borrow a chisel and hammer for just a minute?"

The owner scowled. "Those are my tools. I don't let them out of my sight."

"Oh, I only want to use them for a minute. If you let me, I'll give you something unique."

The man came over and handed Joxer a heavy mallet and a chisel with a wicked edge. "Go on. If you damage either of them, I'll take it out of your hide."

Joxer nodded agreeably. The rock wasn't entirely spherical, because when he set it on the table it didn't roll. He put the chisel carefully into the groove, and poised the mallet over it. "I've never done this before, but I've seen it done. I wonder which god I pray to for sure hands?"

"Cupid?" The both looked at me. "Hey, I figured the Love God would be a logical choice for talented hands. If not him, how about Hephastus. Doesn't he more or less have a lock on things that require tools?"

"Good suggestion." Joxer cleared his throat. "Oh mighty Hephastus, God of the Forge, I beg your guidance and assistance in this task." His voice dropped to normal. "Please don't let me screw it up. It's a present for 'Dite." He raised the mallet and brought it down on the chisel, hard. There was a crunch, and the stone split neatly in two.

It was hollow, and the interior was lined with sparkling pinkish crystals. "Oo, Joxer, a geode! It's beautiful."

"A geode? Is that what it's called?" He laid down the tools, picked up half of the geode, and handed it to the gaping metal smith. "There you go. Those are rare." He picked up the other half and we left.

He looked pleased. "It's even tinted pink. Aphrodite should like this."

"I'll give you this-it's original. I bet no one else has brought her a geode."

You know, I didn't realize they had pink marble temples. This one must not have survived to my time, or I'm sure I would have found it in the tourist guide. The pink theme was carried over in the interior decoration, with red and white accents.

A priestess came out to greet us, but when she saw it was Joxer she smiled and waved us on in. "They know you here?" I asked as we approached an altar.

"I've prayed to Aphrodite so many times about Gabrielle that we've gotten to be kinda friends."

"Whoa, friends with a love goddess. Nice if you can get it. So if she listened to you, why didn't she fix you up with Barbie?"

"Who?"

"Damn cultural references. Gabrielle."

"Oh. She said we weren't right for each other, and she'd only break my heart, and besides she was already in love with Xena."

"Three excellent arguments, particularly the last. I don't think I'd want Xena to think I was interested in her main squeeze."

"Now she says she's trying to work on finding my perfect match, but something seems to be blocking her." He shrugged. "If it's fated, it'll happen."

He went to the altar, placed the geode on it, and knelt down. He motioned to me, but I shook my head. "No disrespect to her, Joxer, but I have a hard time dealing with the concepts of gods, plural. And our church didn't kneel, anyway."

"Well, as long as you're respectful it should be all right."

I smiled at him. "You haven't known me for very long."

He folded his hands, peered upward, and said, "Oh beautiful Aphrodite, it's me again-Joxer. I was in Athens and I just wanted to drop by and say hello, and ask if you'd been having any luck with…"

There was a flash of light, a crackle of energy, and I found myself spitting rose petals. There was a squeal of, "Joxie!" A very buxom blonde in a semi-see through dress had appeared before the alter. I blinked. Sure, I'd seen Ares leave in a shower of red sparks, but I'd half put that down to stress. Looks like there was more to this god thing than I'd thought.

She gave him a little push on the shoulder. "Get up, silly!" He got to his feet, smiling. "Where have you been, you bad boy? I haven't heard from you in ages."

"I've been traveling, and the temples were few and far between."

"Well, don't go all formal on me! You know you can pray to me anytime." She giggled. "I have prayer waiting now, so I'll hear you even if it's busy."

"I brought you something." He pointed at the geode.

Aphrodite looked at it and squealed. I was beginning to see a resemblance between her and certain girls who used to frequent the mall I worked at. "Oh, it's beautiful!" She picked it up and turned it this way and that so that the light sparked off the crystals. "And it's pink! Oh, you sweet thing!" She gave him a kiss on the cheek, brushing his chest with hers. I could be wrong, but I think I saw a slight stir in his pants. Considering who it was doing the kissing, I was probably right. "It will fit in just perfect with my décor. I'll keep it on my bedside table. Thank you."

"You're welcome. I was wondering if I could ask you a favor?"

"Ask away."

She was still turning the geode this way and that. *She likes shiny things. What a surprised.*

"Well, you see, I have a new friend," he waved at me. "and she…"

Aphrodite squealed excitedly. "Joxie! You found someone instead of that blonde harpy!" She kissed him again, on the mouth this time. He almost hyperventilated. "Of course I'll fix it up for you!" She held out her hand, palm up, and pink sparkles started to gather on it.

"Uh-oh<" I said. "Look, lady, this is not what you obviously think."

"Don't worry about it, sweetie," she assured me. "Joxie is a peach. He'll take care of you and be good to you, and believe me…" she smirked. "the clumsiness does not extend to bed."

"Dite!" Joxer gasped.

The sparkles had gathered into a ball. It didn't look as threatening as the one Ares had conjured up, but I had no doubt that it would be just as effective, in its own way. I started to back away. "Don't do it! I'm planning on going home, and long distance relationships never work, and this would be real long distance."

She squinted at me, aiming, her tongue peeking out of the corner of her mouth. "Hold still. I'm kinda rusty on moving targets."

"That does it!" I scampered. I heard a *woosh* and knew I was about to get hit in the back with a heaping helping of Joxer fixation. I liked him, and all that, but I want any infatuation to be MY idea. As it whistled toward me, I dodged. It swerved. Damn, a homing love spell!

I would have made it out of the temple except for the wall I ran into. Actually, it wasn't a wall, it just felt like one. It was actually a very large men. He grabbed me before I could fall down, which wasn't what I wanted. I figured if I was on the ground the ball might sail over my head.

"Are you all right?" The shorter blonde man who was with the big guy said.

I yelled, "Duck!" and went limp. Big Guy didn't drop me, but I got low enough to do the trick. I heard something whistle over my head, and I squinched my eyes shut.

There was silence for a moment, then Aphrodite said, "Oh, poop!"

The blonde guy said, "Hercules?"

*Hercules?* I peeked up. Sure enough, Hercules. He had kind of a slack look on his face at the moment.

"I'm fine." His voice was dreamy.

*Uh-oh. A very large man has just been hit with a love spell. I think I should remove myself from the immediate vicinity.* I pried myself loose.

I heard Joxer call anxiously, "Goddess Scribe, are you all right?"

I held up my thumb and forefinger an inch apart. "Missed me by that much."

"What just happened?" asked Blondie.

"Introduce yourself," I ordered. "I tend to get in trouble, talking to strangers."

"Iolaus. Herk, are you sure nothing is wrong?"

"No, I feel terrific." He was staring over my shoulder, and smiling. He walked past me to where Joxer and Aphrodite were standing side by side. He raked his eyes over Joxer with a look I've only ever seen on the faces of men perusing the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. "Joxer," he purred.

He looked at Hercules, a little confused by his tone, but willing to be friendly. "Hercules."

Hercules sort of lunged, looped an arm around Joxer's waist, and jerked him tight against his body. Joxer squeaked. Hercules sighed, "I love it when you say my name." Then he kissed him, and we're not talking a peck here, we're talking tonsil exploration time.

There was a clatter as Iolaus dropped the staff he'd been carrying, gaping at the lip-locked pair. "Why, you cheating dog!"

I glared at Aphrodite.

She giggled, lifting her hands in an 'oh well' gesture. "Oops?"

PART 5

"Oops?" Aphrodite shrugged. "Oops? You've gotten by on your looks a lot, haven't you?"

"Well, duh!"

Joxer was making muffled squeaks. That was all he could manage with Herk's tongue halfway down his throat. He rolled his eyes at me desperately. "Oh, hell!" I walked over, made a fist, and thumped Hercules on the back of the head. "Ow!" I shook my hand. "Talk about hard-headed!"

"You're telling me!" Iolaus was fuming. Wow, blondes sure can get red in the face.

I looked at Aphrodite. "Can you, like, materialize stuff?"

"Duh?"

"We need to talk later about your vocabulary." I held out my hand. "Could I talk you into giving me a big glass of water?" She flicked a finger at me, and a large goblet appeared in my hand. I started to turn away, then looked in the goblet. "It's red."

"It's wine. Du..."

"I get it. Oh, well. It's a waste of perfectly good alcohol." I dumped the contents over Hercules's head. He didn't pause or let go. The only result was that now Joxer was spluttering as well as trying to gasp. "Well, damn!" Iolaus had picked up his staff again, and was tapping it against his palm, glaring at Hercules. "Excuse me." I snatched the staff away and whacked Hercules across his massive back, yelling, "He needs to breathe, Jackass!"

It sounded like I'd hit a side of beef with a hammer. Demigod or not, a whack with a stout staff will get your attention. Hercules let go of Joxer, looked at me, and said mildly, "Ouch."

Joxer, looking stunned, staggered back a couple of paces, bumped into the altar, upset a bowl of roses, tripped on it, and ended up on his butt. He looked up at me, dazed. "What just happened?"

"I saved you from being molested in front of the altar by a suddenly horny hero. Did you mind?"

"No! I mean, he's cute, and all that, but he's not my type."

"What type do you like?" Hercules said eagerly. "I can change."

I was curious as to just how strong this spell Aphrodite had landed on him was. "What if he likes girls?"

He didn't hesitate for a second. "I think there's a cursed spring somewhere that switches the gender of whoever bathes there." He started off.

Iolaus gaped. He looked at me. "Stop him!"

"Stop him? Me? Do I look like an Amazon? And why should I? It doesn't mean anything to me if he wants to do a Christine Jorgensen without the nip 'n tuck."

"I don't know what the Tartarus you just said."

"I could care less if he wants to become a woman."

"Well, I could! He's MY lover, and I happen to like him just the way he is. I mean, if he's a woman, he can't very well screw me."

"It would depend on how you felt about *cough* marital aids." Aphrodite giggled. "Yeah, I thought you'd know about those." I raised my voice. "Hercules, it won't work."

He came back. "Why not?"

"Because you might end up as a woman, but you'll be a huge woman, and though you're an attractive man, you'd probably be a woofer as a girl."

"Oh." Hercules reached out both hands to Joxer. "Let me help you up, sweetheart."

Joxer eyed him suspicously, scooting backwards, armor clanking. "No, thank you."

Hercules gave me a smile. "He wants to be independent. Isn't it cute?"

Hercules reached down before Joxer could escape, slipped his hands under the warrior-wannabe's arms, and lifted him lightly to his feet. Which would have been fine-IF he'd let go. He didn't, and he started to pull Joxer closer again. Joxer moaned, "Not again! You can get brain damage from lack of air, and I can't afford all that much damage!"

"Yo, Muscles! Let him go."

Hercules continued to tug at the now struggling Joxer. "We should go somewhere private and talk."

"We can talk here!" Joxer protested.

Hercules glanced at me and Aphrodite. "I prefer not to use obscene words in front of ladies."

"Who you calling a lady?" I growled. "Unhand him right now!" Hercules looked singularly unimpressed by my demand. *Okay, hit 'im in the concept of self.* "What are the people going to think? The mighty Hercules, a common MASHER."

"I am not!" he said indignantly. He made calf eyes at Joxer, but let him go. "I'm just a man in love."

"Cue the violins. You're got in love."

Aphrodite planted her hands on her hips, frowning, "Uh, ex-squeeze me?"

"So THAT'S where Mike Myers got that expression. You have a lot to answer for, lady. No, it is NOT love-love comes naturally. That..." I pointed to Hercules, who'd once again begun to stalk a nervous Joxer, "is obsession, and it can be dangerous. Ask Jodie Foster. So, you take that spell right off him."

"Ummm..." Aphrodite got real interested in her fingernails.

"Ummm... what? Good news does not start with ummm..."

"It's like this-Joxie is one of my favorites, dig?"

"Perfectly understandable." I dragged Joxer behind me, putting my body between him and a grabbing Hercules. I was willing to submit to a grope or two in defense of my new friend. (It was a sacrifice, I tell you, a sacrifice!)

"Since it was for Cutiepoo I made it super strength..."

"So I noticed." I slapped Hercules's hand as he tried to reach past me.

"...and I sorta put a non-tampering twist on it."

"And this means? Step back or I put a knee where it hurts the worst, and I don't think you're wearing a goalie's cup," I warned Hercules.

"It means that no divinity is supposed to be able to tamper with it."

I stopped and looked at her in disbelief. While I was distracted, Hercules managed to get a hand on Joxer's arm. I bit him, then went back to Aphrodite. "Are you trying to tell me that even YOU can't mess with it?"

She rubbed the toe of one glittery sandal on the marble floor. "Sorta."

"Oh, I don't believe this! You're the one who pasted Buff and Bullheaded with the hex, and if you can't fix it, what the hell are we going to do?"

Aphrodite looked at Joxer. "Do you want a white wedding?"

Hercules beamed, Iolaus threw up his hands, growling, "Look, if he marries anyone it's going to be me! I've been trying to get him to make an honest man out of me for ages."

Aphrodite arched an eyebrow at him. "If you want a lover to make it legal, don't you have a wide range of choices, dear?"

"Meow," he said curtly.

"Anyway, I never said I couldn't fix it." She sighed. "It's just that it would be such a bitch. I'd hafta dig through about a zillion scrolls looking for recipes and chants. Then I'd hafta gather and mix all sorts of ookie stuff, and I JUST got my nails done, and it would RUIN them..."

Somehow I wasn't sympathetic. "Wear rubber gloves," I snapped.

This time everyone blinked at me. Finally Aphrodite expressed the general confusion. "Huh?"

"Sheesh. Okay, rubber is this usually slick, stretchy stuff that's water resistant, and makes a good barrier against..." I trailed off. "Wait a minute. No rubber means no latex, which means no safe sex. Crap! Damn pre-industrial technology! Oh, well, there's no AIDs in this time frame, and probably no herpes, either." I thought. "But there's probably all kinds of icky prehistoric social bugs..."

I heard Joxer squeak. Hercules had managed to get a hand down the front of his pants. "You let go of that!" He jerked his hand back, blushing like a kid who'd been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. I glanced at Joxer apologetically. "I'm sorry-sometimes my mind wanders and I go off on a tangent."

He nodded. "I think I did that once. Aren't they big and smelly, with two humps and a tendency to spit?"

"No, they're the ones with stripes. Look, Miss Thang, you need to get on this right away. Hercules here is big and determined-I don't know how long Joxer can dodge and I can parry."

Aphrodite put a confiding arm around Joxer's shoulder. "C'mon, sweetie, would it be so bad? Sure, he's a tigh ass, but I bet you could loosen him up, and he IS pretty yummy."

"But he's my yummy!" Iolaus protested.

"Selfish, selfish," Aphrodite scolded. "Can't you share?" She eyed Hercules. As icky as she might have found his attitude, she could do an honest physical assessment. "Zeus knows he's big enough to go around."

I eyed the red-faced Iolaus. "Somehow I don't think that would go well. Blondie doesn't look like he wants to share his toy, and Joxer doesn't look like he wants to borrow, anyway."

She sighed. "Well, poo. I knew it wouldn't be that easy. All right, I'll get started on trying to find the antidote." She flicked her hands and...

I was left in a shower of rose petals again. I batted away the teeny white fluttering hearts that had accompanied them and yelled, "Wait! What are we supposed to do with the Hormonal Hunk?"

Joxer had climbed up on the altar in an effort to keep out of Hercules's reach. "Chains sound like a good idea to me."

Hercules grinned. "Ooo, yeah! I can see you in some nice silver jobs."

"Not me! You!" Joxer snapped.

Hercules shook his head. "As much as I want to please you, sweetcheeks, I top, and I think we should wait till later in our relationship to start experimenting."

I moved Hercules back by kicking him in the shins a few times, making room for Joxer to get down. "We should tell Xena and the bitch... I mean the bard about this. Maybe they have some ideas." Joxer had gotten behind me again and grabbed my shoulders. We began to sidle toward the exit. "And if they down't, at least Xena has a sword and Gabby has a staff to help us keep this goomba off of you."

Hercules and Iolaus were following us, and Iolaus said, "Do you really think that Gabrielle will bother? I mean, she whines and moans about Joxer pestering her, so she should be glad to have someone else after him."

"You mean that you guys haven't gotten Aesop's Fables yet?"

"Aesop? I've heard of him. He's a traveling bard, but doesn't he tell kiddie stories about animals?"

I rolled my eyes. "You'd never make it in a college lit course with that literal attitude. Fables, fables! Simple stories that teach life truths? Ask him to tell you the 'Dog in the Manger' one sometime." Joxer dodged a groping hand, but did so by swinging around the hold he'd taken on my throat. *Ack* "Joxer! You don't have to avoid every single touch or else burst into flames! Just don't let him get a firm hold on you."

"She's right," Hercules said helpfully. "What you really need to do if you want to avoid me is strip nude and rub yourself down with oil. Then you'd slip right through my hands. I can demonstrate."

I paused, and I guess I got a faraway look on my face, because Joxer whined, "Goddess Scribe!"

"Right. No way, Jose." I muttered under my breath, "Not unless I can sell tickets and get a front row seat."

"What?"

"Never mind. Bad Scribe. Mustn't exploit our friends. Let's get back to the inn."

"Yes, let's get back to the inn," Hercules said cheerfully. He trailed us, and a steadily-more-pissed off Iolaus followed HIM.

*By the time this is over I think Iolaus is going to screw Herk into the middle of next week, then cut him off completely to teach him a lesson,* I thought. *And judging by the way he's acting, I don't think Herk deals well with celibacy.*

When we got to the street I couldn't continue backing (apparently the same damn herd of goats that had passed Ares's temple had also passed Aphrodite's. Wasn't anyone on Poop Patrol in this city?). But something had to be done to keep Hercules from just tossing Joxer over his shoulder and taking off with him. I whispered a suggestion to Joxer. He shook his head so vigorously he nearly lost that strainer he wore as a helmet. "Come on, Joxer. At least it'll keep your butt from being pinched black and blue."

"He hasn't pinched me yet."

"It's coming." I rubbed my rump, remembering my experiences on these streets a couple of thousand years in the future. "He's a Greek male."

"Well, if you think it'll help," he said doubtfully.

I snagged some rope off a passing cart and handed it to him. He said, "Um, Hercules? Would you mind if I tied your hands?" Hercules frowned. I whispered to Joxer again. "I, uh, sorta like to, you know..." he swallowed, "play?"

Now a sly smile spread over Hercules's face. "Oooh. And what do you like to play? Captured Warrior and Cruel Warlord? Demanding Master and New Slaveboy? Pirate Captain and Captured Noble?"

Joxer looked at me desperately. I whispered. "Jaded Aristocrat and Reluctant Pleasure Slave."

"Oh, that's a good one! But shouldn't I be the one tying you up?"

A squeak from Joxer. I whispered. He looked at me disbelievingly. I made 'go on' motions at him. He blinked, then looked down, glanced up at Hercules through (very thick) lashes, and whispered, "Please?" Hercules hesitated. I whispered. Joxer wet his lips.

"Okay." Hercules held out his hands, wrists crossed.

"Behind you. I haven't watched several hundred reality cop shows and years of Adam-12 to forget that you never secure someone's hands in front." I looked at Iolaus. "Too easy to do one of those 'whack 'em with both fists at once' things."

He nodded agreement, and took the rope from Joxer as Hercules put his hands behind his back. "Allow ME." Judging from the yelp Hercules gave, I didn't have to worry about him escaping from loose bindings. Piece of advice? Never play bondage games with a pissed off lover who's just caught you lusting after someone else.

Then he insisted that Joxer had to put a rope around his neck and lead him through the streets. I never would have known from the myths that he was so kinky. It embarrassed the hell out of Joxer-he was sorta hot pink by the time we reached the inn. Hercules wasn't all that good an actor, though. Instead of a nobly reluctant sex slave being dragged off to be ravished he followed Joxer like an overgrown hornpuppy (though I guess it would have to be a hornGreat Dane to get anywhere near his size.)

Meg looked up as we walked in, her eyes sparking with interest. Before she could open her mouth I said, "No, we are not interested in being a pay-per-view attraction. Have Xena and Gabrielle gotten back from the bath house yet?"

She jerked her head toward the stairs. "They went up about twenty minutes ago." Her eyebrows did the frug. "Things should just be getting interesting."

"Ooo, ick. Mental images."

I took the end of the rope and handed it to Meg. She squealed, "For me? And it isn't even my birthday!" I started up the stairs with Joxer close behind me. I heard 'Hey!', and the sound of following footsteps. Then I heard *Urk!* 'Lady, please!' Then I heard Iolaus squawk, and a thump, then a crash and a yell from Meg. Then things got noisy. The inn was getting its nightly trashing a little early.

We located the room that Xena and Gabrielle were in by process of elimination. Didn't anyone in that place remember to lock their doors? Judging by some of the scene's we walked in on, the people of Athens had a lot of imagination, but not all that much simple caution. Finally we came to the last two doors on the second floor. One led to an empty room.

I put my ear against the remaining door, holding a finger to my lips to shush Joxer. Curious, he took off his helmet and pressed his ear up beside mine. He started blushing. I'm not going to repeat what we heard, but it involved lots of slurping, sighing, and a few 'oh, babyies'. I grinned at Joxer and stood back, saying softly, "Step away from the door."

"Why?"

"Trust me."

He stepped to the side. I took a deep breath. "Mi mi mi mi. Testing. Testing. Ahem. WARLORDS!"

There was a shriek, a thump, and the door slammed open. A very naked and well armed Xena leaped out into the hallway, looking around ferociously. When she saw that the hall was empty except for me and Joxer she calmed down a little. She didn't lower the sword, though. That was a bit worrying. She pointed the sword at me. "Look, when someone yells 'warlords' there had damn sure better be warlords, or bandits, or at least a fucking surprise party, with a line of nude Amazon dancers. Otherwise I am very, very pissed."

I touched my fingertip to the sword's point (ouch, by the way) and delicately directed it away. "We have a problem, oh Naked and Aggressive One."

Xena's eyes narrowed. "Couldn't it have waited another five minutes?"

"Hey!" an indignant voice called from the bedroom.

"Sorry, Gabby. Couldn't it have waited another fifteen minutes?"

"A love spell smitten Hercules followed us home from Aphrodite's temple, and we don't want to keep him."

Gabrielle, wrapped in a sheet and with a small knot rising on her forehead (I had to wonder what position they'd been in for her to acquire that) came out. "Look, if you somehow managed to get Hercules after you, that isn't our fault. Maybe it would be a good thing. He's been awful stressed since his family died, and he's really a family man at heart. And Zeus knows you could use someone to settle you down a little, maybe get you to have a little respect for conventions, and..."

"I'll have you know I highly respect conventions. I've had some of my most rip-roaring tear-asses at conventions." I looked at Joxer. "I woke up once wearing a State Trooper uniform. Don't ask. And an Amazon is telling me to hitch myself to a man and learn not to be uppity?"

Gabrielle looked flustered. "I didn't mean..."

"Riiiight. Besides, I never said Hercules was in love with me."

"But then..." She trailed off. She and Xena both stared at Joxer. Gabrielle started to giggle.

"Shut up or I'll slap you. This isn't funny." I paused. "Well, it is. Some." I looked at Joxer. "Okay, a lot, but not to Joxer. How would you feel if Hercules was all horny and after your bod?"

Let me report a fascinating fact: While Gabrielle gagged, Xena looked interested.

"All right, this needs to be tended to, I guess. Let us get dressed." They started back into the room and Xena paused, "That's twice. You're getting to be a party pooper."

I spread a hand against my chest and gave her big, innocent eyes (yeah, I can so do that. I practice by watching anime). "Moi?"

"Don't try blowing a kiss at me-it won't work." She gave me a grim smile. "Not blowing one, anyway."

I had to think about what the hell she was talking about as she went back inside. The door was closed before I figured it out. That's 'm-o-i' not 'mwha'!" I looked at Joxer. "You people have sex on the brain."

Hercules's voice floated up from downstairs. "Miiiiiighty One?" Joxer looked back at me helplessly. "You're right."

PART 6

"For the last time--no, you may not feed me."

"Aw, c'mon. Just a grape."

"No."

"I peeled it for you."

"Scriiiiibe..."

"Crap. I get up for one second..." whack "That's my seat, hero! Up."

"Hey, if you leave it open, it's up for grabs."

"Like heck it is! Move, or..." I dropped my voice and whispered, "I'll tell Iolaus what you said about Joxer's ahem 'equipment'."

Hercules turned pink, a rather alarming sight. "You heard that?" I grinned evily. He got up, gazing at a relieved Joxer with great, sad eyes.

He went and sat next to a glowering Iolaus, who quickly turned aside, nose going up in the air. "Oh, man. All the mature sexual dynamics of a junior high girls' locker room." I sat next to Joxer. "I told you to put your fork in the seat to keep him from sitting down."

"What's a fork?"

I blinked. "Ooo, crap, that's right. They won't be invented till the Renaissance, or is it the Middle Ages? No wonder everyone's fingers are so greasy. I suppose I should be grateful." I took a napkin and wiped my arm. "A barbarian tried to grab me on the way back and I just kinda squirted out of his grip. So I take it the hot-to-trot spell is still in effect?"

"He offered to spit polish a certain part of me."

"Yup. Sounds about his speed. As socially graceful as an elephant in clogs." I started eating bread.

"I thought you were going to get some stew?"

"They wouldn't identify the beast that sacrificed itself to add protein. I gave up eating mystery meat when I graduated high school."

Joxer ate a few bites, then said, "Um... what was it that Hercules said?"

I gave him my best innocent look. (Hey, he didn't know me well enough yet to be suspicious.) "About what?"

"My... uh... my 'equipment'."

"I have no idea, but I figured that he must've said something. Guilty consciences are wonderful things. Remember that if you ever have kids."

Hercules sidled over to the table. "I was thinking... Iolaus and I need a room, and Meg said your group got the last two. Scribe, how about if you go in with Gabrielle and Xena, and..." Calf eyes again. "Iolaus and I can bunk in with Joxer."

Joxer had a mouthful of wine. He managed not to spray it, but he had a coughing fit. Hercules perked up. "He's having trouble breathing! Aschelpius told me about this method he saw in the Halls of Time where you put your mouth over the mouth of the person who can't breath, and give them your air."

He was reaching toward Joxer, who was wheezing and making frantic waving motions. "Don't sweat it, sweetie." I batted Hercules's hands down. "Yeah, right! How would you get the air into Joxer with your tongue in the way? No way, José. And I can really believe that you actually suggested that to Xena and Gabby."

"Not yet, but I figured if it was all right with you..."

"It's not. Sleep next to Gabby?" I gave a full body shiver. "Please. I have problems enough with my insomnia."

Hercules grumbled and stalked off. He ended up sitting next to Gabrielle, both of them staring at Joxer and I (Joxer and me? I'm never sure about that) with matching scowls. I decided to ignore them.

A brief conversation between Hercules and Gabrielle. Yeah, right, it breaks form. So? This is my story. I know because they have scrying mirrors for almost everything on Olympus, and I got to snoop around later, 'kay?

Hercules: "Dammit. Hades only thinks Cerebus is a good guard dog. I'd put that wench up against him any day of the week."

Gabrielle: "I don't get it. He hasn't fawned over me once since she arrived. He's supposed to be in love with me."

Hercules: frowns "I thought that irritated you?"

Gabrielle: "It does, but who does he think he is, dumping me?"

"Hercules: "Uh, Gabby, he can't dump you if he never had you." Pause "He never did have you, did he?"

Gabrielle: Eeeeeeew!

Hercules: "Sorry. It's her fault. I need to get rid of her so I can get my hands on Joxer. Help me, Gabby."

Gabrielle: "Why should I? Why should I get rid of her if you'll just slip into her space?"

Hercules: thinkrationalizethink "Hey, I'm a guy. It wouldn't be like he was in love with another woman, would it?"

Gabrielle: thinks slowly "You know, you're right." (I never claimed she was great on logical thinking, folks. I just report it.) "How can I help?"

Hercules: "Give me information. I need to know her weak points, her secrets."

Gabrielle: "Oh, I don't know. She claims to be from the future. Joxer says she just appeared out of thin air in Ares's temple. Oh, and Ares came around the camp looking for her."

Hercules: "Why?"

Gabrielle: shrugging "Search me. He just said it was important, and we should notify him if we saw her."

Hercules: "Ahh..." An unholy gleam comes into Hercules's eyes

(Meanwhile, back at the ranch.)

"Okay, Joxer. Aphrodite seems to be a bust as to getting me back home. Who else could we try?"

He sighed, scratching his head. "I don't know. Y'see, even the gods aren't supposed to mess around very much with time. There's too big a chance of paradoxes. Gaia and Hera keep a pretty close eye on all the travel methods. Frankly, I'm puzzled. Ares usually deals pretty much with the here and now. Well, he can plan a few years ahead for wars, but you know what I mean."

"Frighteningly enough, I do."

"Let's see, who else could we consult? I'm on pretty good terms with Cupid and Strife, but Cupe is Ares's son, and Strife is his right hand man."

"Scratch Cupid and Strife. Who else?"

"Well... um... Gee, Goddess Scribe, the rest of the Pantheon isn't all that helpful."

"Wonderful."

"We could try Apollo, I guess, if we can get his attention away from his muses. He kinda does the prophecy thing now and then, and he's one of the biggest gossips on Earth or Olympus." Joxer looked around warily. "You won't tell him I said that, will you?"

"He make you nervous?"

"Scribe, he's a god. Duh? Besides, I burn easily, so I don't want to piss him off."

"Okay, we'll drop by his temple tomorrow and try." I peered at the table top. "Why is there a peeled grape sitting on the table?" Joxer sighed.

The customers started to pile in about dusk. When you aren't interested in drinking, fighting, or carousing, there really isn't much incentive to stay up late in a tavern/whorehouse. I mean, there's no foosball, no pool, no satellite television. Just drunk, horny barbarians, mercenaries, and village louts, and I was beginning to think that they were both eternal and universal--the only real difference from my time was clothing and language. Oh, and most of the louts in my time had at least a nodding acquaintance with deodorant. I was glad I used Dial. I wished everybody did.

Joxer and I waited until Hercules was getting another tankard of ale from the bar and sneaked upstairs. Xena and Gabrielle had disappeared before. I paused outside their door and gave it a considering look. Than I shook my head. "Nah. It would be fun, but she'd probably gut me."

Inside the room I was happy to see that there was a sturdy bolt on the door. I shot it, wiggling it to be sure it was firmly in place, then looked around the room. There was a lamp on the table, and Joxer had lit it, so the room was illuminated. "Well, it isn't Holiday Inn, or Best Western, or even Motel 6, but it'll do."

Joxer nodded. "Meg always keeps fresh linen. She believes in giving the customers that little extra."

"Bet she charges for it."

"Well..."

"Right. Let's go to bed, kiddo. I'm still jet lagged from that trip. Or should that be temporally lagged?" As I spoke I withdrew both arms inside my shirt (which was very loose, thank God for recent fashions). I reached up behind myself and unhooked my bra. "I'm not sure of the proper terminology." I slipped both arms, one at a time, through the straps. "But then, I don't suppose the grammar Nazi's are going to break down the door." I worked one arm back through its sleeve and took hold of the bra, pulling it out while I put the other arm through its sleeve. Then I tossed the bra on a chair. I noticed that Joxer was staring at me. "What?"

"What did you just do?"

"Oh, I forgot that this age was lingeriely challenged. I just took off my foundation garment."

Joxer examined it. "It looks like a double slingshot."

"I have heard them called over-the-shoulder boulder holders. That particular on is a Sears brand. Unfortunately for my dainty feminine side snort Victoria's Secret doesn't have much in my size." I rolled my eyes. "And a pastel flower print would just do wonders for my self-esteem." I pointed at him. "Get rid of the hardware, Jox." I spread my fingers on my chest and batted my eyes at him. "Ahm delicate. Ah cai-unt stay-und harsh things next to mah skin." I batted harder. "Of coa-ahs Ah don't mean you-all." I dropped the accent. "Damn, Joxer, if you blush that hard we won't need the blanket."

He took off the plating, leaving himself in a loose shirt and tight brown leather pants. "Should I take off the pant's too?"

"Depends. You got on some Calvin Klines under there?"

"Pardon?"

"Boxers?" I looked again. "Nah. Those pants are so tight you'd have a panty line. Briefs?" I grinned. "Thong?" All I got was a confused look. "Leave 'em on."

"Okay."

"You can take the shirt off, though."

"Are you sure?"

I rolled my eyes. "I'll be strong. I'll resist."

Joxer pulled off the shirt. He was smooth. I figured it was natural because one, I hadn't seen a single hair/nails/tanning/waxing salon since I'd arrived, two, the safety razor hadn't been invented and I would have learned to live with chest hair if being smooth meant having a straight razor around my nipples on a regular basis. And Joxer struck me as a game guy, but I didn't think he'd go the tweezer route. Ouch! Excuse me, had a brief empathetic moment there.

There was a rap on the door. "Joxie?"

Joxer winced, and I shook my head. "I think he heard your shirt hit the floor." I raised my voice. "Go away, Hercules."

"I'm not talking to you, Scribe."

Joxer raised his voice. "Go away, Hercules."

taptap "Aw, don't be like that, snookums."

"Ignore him," I whispered.

taptaptapTAP

"Hercules!" I snapped.

"Room service. I have that wine you ordered."

Joxer started toward the door, but I stopped him. "Joxer, wine isn't the type of room service you're likely to get at Meg's, is it? Nice try, Herc."

mutter raprap "House detective. I hear you have a woman in there."

"Oh, get over it! The strange thing in this place would be if he didn't have a woman in here."

"Dammit." pause taptaptap "Candygram."

I started to open the door. "Wait a minute! Candygrams aren't invented till Blazing Saddles. Will you go downstairs? Go molest a barbarian or something." I shook my head. "I used to wish someone would be madly infatuated with me, but now I can see that it can be a pain in the ass."

BANG!

Joxer covered his rump protectively, "Literally, for some of us."

BANGPOUNDPOUNDBANG!

"Oh, for heavens...! I'm gonna cool his jets." Meg was a conscientious businesswoman--there was a wash basin on the table. I grabbed the jug next to it and filled the basin. "Open the door."

"What? Scribe, if you want to watch people have sex you just have to go downstairs. Leave me out of it."

I carefully picked up the basin and stood a couple of feet in front of the door. "Trust me. Open the door and stand back."

Joxer reached up and put one hand on the bolt and the other on the knob. He closed his eyes, and I think he whispered a little prayer, dunno to who. It might have been a good thing. I had just started to consider what the sight of a shirtless Joxer might do to the already inflamed Hercules. In one quick motion he shot the bolt and jerked the door open, jumping back.

BA--

Hercules was in mid-rap. I heaved.

Sploosh

You know, he looks good wet, even gaping.

"I'm surprised that steam isn't rising. Now, go downstairs! If you absolutely, positively have to hump someone, try kissing up to Iolaus. From what I gather he's your main squeeze anyway, and you're acting like a dog!" I slammed the door shut and bolted it again.

There was muttering from outside, but no more banging. Finally we heard him stomping off down the hall, then down the stairs. I sighed, putting the empty basin back on the table. "Maybe now we can get some sleep." I laid down. "C'mon, Joxer." He slowly started to climb into bed. "Blow out the lamp, hon."

He hesitated. "Are you sure you want to be alone in the dark with me?"

I sat up. "Day-um, man! How badly has the world been kicking you around?" He looked at me. I sighed. "Don't tell me. I guess the world hasn't changed much from now to my time. It's still filled with short-sighted idiots who wouldn't know a decent, worthwhile person if they ran up and bit them in the butt. G'wan and blow out the lamp. I haven't needed a nightlight since I was five." He stared at me. "Oh, all right. But I got rid of the Snoopy nightlight when I went to college."

He blew out the lamp. A minute later I felt the bed dip. After a moment I said, "Joxer, it feels like you're about to fall off the bed. Are you hanging on by your fingernails?"

"I'm thin--I don't take up much space."

"Uh-huh." I reached out and grabbed. He squeaked. "Oops! Sorry." I let go and grabbed again. This time I got an arm and pulled him closer. "It's not going to kill either of us if we bump into each other, unless this will be just too tempting for you."

"No, I'll be all right."

"Thank you."

"No, that's not what I meant! I mean you're not like a woman to me..."

"Thank you very much."

"No! I mean, you're like a sister to me."

"Joxer, if I remember my Greek mythology correctly, that wasn't all that much of a deterrent among some sets."

"No, I mean you're my friend, and I wouldn't... I don't..."

I laughed. "If you know me long enough you'll figure out when I'm teasing you, Joxer. I understand. I happen to believe that it is possible for a man and a woman to be just friends."

He sighed. "That's a relief, because I was getting a crick in my back, letting my legs hang over the edge of the bed."

"Great. Now get some sleep. We're going to need all our energy to sneak past Hercules tomorrow to get to Apollo's temple."

"Okay." He was quiet for a moment. "Scribe?"

"What? You want a glass of water? A story?"

"That would be nice, but I just wanted to say that maybe you shouldn't have doused Hercules like that."

"Why not? It worked."

"Yeah, but he was awful mad at you."

"So? He's a hero, he won't hurt me."

"He won't, like, beat you up, but I'm kind of worried he'll pull something devious."

"He strikes me as being about as devious as white bread."

"Maybe. But I really didn't like that 'mmmwhaaa haaa haaa haaa' that floated back up when he went downstairs."

I snuggled into the bed. "Don't worry, kiddo. I watched years and years of cartoons. I've studied the techniques of Wile E. Coyote, Oilcan Harry, Dishonest John and Snidely Whiplash. I should be able to out-sneak one Greek demi-god hero."

Vanity, thy name is Scribe.

PART 7

You know one of the down sides of ancient Greece? It's hellishly hard to get a caffiene fix in the morning. No coffee, no Diet Coke... What? Hell, yes, I drink Coke in the morning. Ahm frum tha south, honeychile.

Anyway, no real caffiene. I was sitting at the table downstairs in the tavern, staring at a cup of brownish liquid Gabrielle had handed me. "What is this?"

"You said you wanted something to wake you up." She pointed. "It's tea."

"It is?" I looked at it doubtfully. "Um, okay. Where's the sugar?"

Gabrielle looked horrified. "Sugar? You'll spoil the bouquet and clog your senses."

I rolled my eyes. "Great. Nature girl." I stared at the cup. "Doesn't look like Lipton to me. Oh, well." I took a sip. I sprayed it. "You claim this is tea?"

"Yes, Shedbark tea."

She's trying, she's trying, she's trying. "Refreshing. Thank you." She didn't quite smile, but the corners of her lips kinda twitched. When she left I called the whorehouse cat (no, I will not call it the whorehouse pussy. Oops, I guess I just did.) and offered it. The cat hissed at me, which supports my supposition that they are intelligent animals.

Joxer snuck half-way down the stairs, peeked around to be sure Hercules wasn't present, then came down and sat by me. "Hi, Scribe. Whatcha drinking?"

I offered it to him hopefully. "Shedbark tea. Here ya go, it's good for what ails you."

He shook his head. "Thanks, but I already peed this morning."

"Wha-huh?"

"It's an excellent diuretic."

"Why that dirty little... Did you happen to see where Xena and Gabrielle went?"

"Xena is checking on Argo, and Gabby is with her."

"Be right back." I went upstairs, did some business, and came back down.

Joxer looked at me curiously. "What did you do?"

"Filled Gabby's water skin for her."

He beamed. "Oh, she'll appreciate that!"

"You damn betcha she will. More than her attitude will be pissy. Joxer, how the hell did you ever become infatuated with her in the first place. I mean, besides the blonde thing. You seem to have working brain cells, that shouldn't have totally hooked you."

"Well, Scribe, when a man reaches my age he begins to think about settling down."

I blinked. "Can't prove it by most of the guys I know."

"Anyway, I've been friends with Gabby for awhile," I snorted. "I know she can cook, and she has wide, childbearing hips..."

I picked myself up off the floor a couple of minutes later. "Promise me that you'll tell her that before I leave, and I can watch. Let's get going to Apollo's temple."

"I haven't had breakfast yet."

"So you haven't, you poor urchin." I handed him a big piece of bread and a banana. "That's all there is, anyway."

He looked disappointed as he shoved the banana in his pocket (thank heavens he'd done without the armor). "Plain bread?"

I slapped some pale golden liquid on it. "No Nutella, so that'll have to do. Let's go."

We walked down the street, Joxer munching his bread. Athens was in full bustle. "Damn, you people get up early. I don't know how you can manage it, without a single Starbuck's."

"Is Starbuck one of your home dimension's gods?"

"You'd think so. Is Apollo's place nearby?"

"Just over here."

He led me to a large, airy temple made of gleaming white marble. So gleaming that I shaded my eyes. "Whoa. I bet that one of his priests' major chores is polishing that stone."

A weary looking young man in sunny yellow robes was tiredly carrying a bucket up the front steps. "You're telling me? That wasn't in the job description when I applied for the position of junior priest. Can I help you people? This is Monday, so there are no scheduled public worship services."

"We need to speak to Apollo," I told him.

He snorted. "Yeah. Right. Well, you're welcome to try. WE haven't been able to contact him for the past two days. If you think you can catch his attention, feel free. Got any spectacular or unusual offerings?" Joxer and I looked at each other, then shrugged. "I don't hold forth much hope for you. Are you anybody important, and I expect a no answer, because if you were, I'd know about it."

Joxer frowned at him. "This is the Goddess Scribe, Patron Deity of..." he trailed off, looking at me questioningly.

"Smut."

The priest's eyebrows rose. "Really? You might have a chance, but I still think it would take something else..."

"I'm a virgin."

He bowed, sweeping his arm back toward the temple. "This way, miss, and please tell him that it was Telamakus who sent you. Maybe I'll get off scrub detail."

As we walked in, Joxer said, "Goddess Scribe, it may not be entirely safe for you to confide that secret to just anyone."

"Ya think?"

"Yes." We approached the altar. "Okay, why don't you let me handle this?"

"Go for it. I'm not the kneeling type."

He knelt and started to pray. I wandered around, looking at the decorations. He believed in statues of himself. If the sculptors hadn't been too flattering, he was a pretty good lookin' guy. This went on for some time. I wandered back to Joxer. "No luck?"

Joxer sighed. "Not a tingle. I don't understand it. I've flattered him like crazy--that usually works."

"Well, I bet he gets tired of hearing the same old compliments. Maybe something new would work." I cleared my throat. "Mi mi mi mi..."

"Scribe, what are you doing?"

"He's God of Music, right? There are a hell of a lot of songs about the sun. I'm gonna use one."

"But he hears songs of praise every day."

"Ah, yes, but he hasn't ever had a Beatles praise, has he?"

Joxer frowned. "I'm not sure who is God of Insects, but..."

"It would take too long to explain. I'd have to cover the entire decade of the sixties. Just listen." I belted it out. "Little darlin', it's been a long, cold lonely winter. Little darlin', it feels like years since I've been warm. Here comes the sun. Here comes the sun, and I say, It's all right..."

I paused and looked at the ceiling expectantly. "Okay, the actual lyrics say 'years since it's been here', but I like my version better. Not that I think I have anything over Lennon and McCartney."

"It's pretty, but I don't know it it'll work."

"Hey, it's practically sun worship. I have faith in it." I sang again. "Little darlin', the smile's back on our faces. Little darlin', it feels like years since we've been warm. Here comes the sun..." I closed my eyes and projected, making it sound like I'd just spotted the sum of all my desires.

Joxer looked around as he felt his skin prickle like... Well, since electricity hadn't been discovered yet, he wouldn't know that term, but I looked, and saw the hairs rising on the back of his neck. He whispered, "It may be working! It feels like a divinity is close."

"Oh, time to sell it!" I gave a performance that would have brought down the house at any karaoke bar I'd ever been in. "Little darlin', I feel that ice is slowly melting. Little darlin', it feels like years since I've been warm. Here comes the sun. Here comes the sun, and I say, it's all right!"

There was a burst of gold sparkles in front of the altar and a tall, blonde man in a sort of tight gold pants and sleeveless vest ensemble appeared. What the...? They have lame´?

He was shaking his head, but he was smiling. "I gotta tell ya, girlfriend, you wail better than most of my bards. They're too concerned about keeping perfect pitch and rhythm to really let it fly."

"Thanks, I think."

He hopped up to sit on the altar. "Well, I'm obviously Apollo." He pointed. "I think I recognize ol' Long Tall there. You hang with Xena and Blondie Bard, dontcha?"

Joxer nodded. "Yes, sir. Normally I worship Ares, but I really respect your work, and I'm hoping you can help my friend, Goddess Scribe."

Apollo's fair eyebrows rose as he studied me. "Goddess Scribe? Hm. I don't recall any new additions to the Pantheon. You watch over one of the other nations, cutie?"

"I'm not actually a goddess," I said. "It's just easier not to argue with him."

"I see. Ya know," he hopped down and sort of swaggered/stalked toward me, "there are severe penalties for impersonating a divinity. You may have to do penance--say, in my bedroom."

I blinked. "Look, I don't worship you..."

His head jerked back. "You don't?"

"As shocking as that may be. I'm from another dimension, sport, and I'm trying to get back there. I'm hoping you might shed some light on why I'm here, and thus help me figure out how the hell I can get home."

"I suppose I could try. Scribe, huh? Do you write?"

I blushed. "As a matter of fact, I do."

He clapped his hands, rubbing them together. "Excellent! That puts you in my jurisdiction!" He grabbed me. "I think I'll just assign you to Olympus duty. Maybe you can liven up the Muses. They've been kinda draggin' lately. Three orgies a week and they're wiped out."

I pushed at him. "Joxer, I beat Hercules off you, it's your turn to help me!"

He was wringing his hands. "Scribe, he could zap us both if I tried something violent."

I removed a hand from my cleavage. "Well, get creative, then! Distract him!"

"Oh! Um..." Joxer reached out and grabbed a double handful of Apollo's firm, toned ass.

"Whoa!" Apollo didn't let go of me, but he turned surprised and delighted eyes on Joxer. "Dude! You have hidden potential." He let go with one arm and grabbed Joxer with the other. "This is so cool! Two new toys at once!"

There was a crackle of energy and a red flash. Ares stood before us, arms crossed, tapping his foot. "'pol, at least one of those is my toy, and I don't feel like sharing."

Apollo tightened his grip, dragging us both tight against him. I think we both squeaked. "No way, Ares! They're on my turf--they're mine! I should be through with them in a few months."

Joxer was squirming. "You can't do this! Goddess Scribe is a virgin, and..." "Seriously?" Apollo dropped Joxer in order to pick me up so he could look me in the face.

"It's not like it's catching," I told him.

He looked at Ares. "Make that a couple of decades. So many firsts!"

I looked at Joxer. "I'm almost beginning to see Ares as a desirable alternative. Are all of the gods afflicted with perpetual horniness?"

Joxer said, "Well, I don't know from personal experience, but that's the rumor. Of course, it's entirely possible that they started the rumor themselves."

"Look," said Ares, "I have specific and important plans for her, so give her up. Don't make me get medievil on your ass."

"How the hell do you know that term?" I yelled. "The time period won't come for, like a millenium and a half, and the term won't be invented for another few centuries!"

Ares shrugged. "I got it from Strife. It just sounded appropriate."

Apollo pouted. "Oh, well..." He turned me loose, but hugged Joxer even tighter. "I wanna keep this one. He's cute."

Ares grabbed me by the back of the neck before I could get out of reach. "Yeah, okay."

"Wait a minute!" I squawked. "You can't go off and leave Joxer here with that lecher!"

"Why not?"

"He's one of your most loyal followers, you crumb!"

"He's one of my most ineffectual followers."

I slapped him.

The room got very, very still. I suddenly realized that perhaps that hadn't been the wisest thing I'd ever done, so I did what I usually did in sticky situations--I talked. "You bastard! Don't the people who worship you mean anything to you? He's a great guy! He's friendly, cheerful, willing to help others, brave... Sure, sometimes it borders on stupidity, but isn't that how it is with a lot of heros? Hey's loyal, too! He follows you even when you ignore him and sneer at him. And besides," I gave Joxer an 'aww' look. "He's so cute!"

Ares looked at Joxer, as if for the first time. Joxer smiled weakly. Ares's eyes narrowed consideringly and he gave Joxer an up and down raking gaze. "Okay." He held out his other hand, crooking his fingers. "Hand him over, 'pol."

Apollo stamped his foot. "It isn't fair!"

"Look, I'm only taking him because she wants him along."

"You should leave me at least one of them. After all, this is my temple."

"Tell you what, bro, you can have whoever walks through the door next, and I won't say a thing about it."

"Oh, well thank you very much!" Reluctantly he released Joxer. "Look, when he gets tired of you, just come back here, okay?" He gave Joxer a little push toward Ares.

Ares took hold of a stunned looking Joxer's collar just as Hercules came into the temple. Ares burst out laughing. "There ya go, 'pol!"

Apollo made a face like someone just offered him an anchovy pizza. "Oh, ick!" There was a burst of gold sparkles, and he was gone.

Hercules hurried over, grinning. "I see you found her."

I gasped. "You sneaky bastard! You ratted me out!"

"Sold you out, actually. Now you just toddle off with Ares. Joxer, my love, I know this is going to upset you, so just come here and lean against my broad, manly chest, and I'll comfort you."

"Sorry, Hercules." Ares took another twist of cloth, lifting Joxer up on his toes. "He's coming with me."

"What? But I told you where she would be specifically to get rid of her so I could be with Joxer."

"She's right, you are a sneaky bastard. You want him?"

"Yesyesyes!"

"Tough."

Flash!

Oh, man. And I thought that plane takeoffs were bad. Try riding sparklies.

When the world came back we were standing in the middle of a room that looked like... How do I put this? A cross between a dundgeon, a goth club, and a honeymoon suite at a ritzy no-tell motel. Lots of black marble and drapery, with a few silver and blood red accents. Oh, and a bed.

A huge bed. I suppose it wasn't really an acre square. Maybe the black silk sheets made it look bigger. I didn't really want to think about the metal rings set in the wall over the bed.

He turned Joxer loose. "Why don't you go amuse yourself? I have business with Scribe."

I grabbed at Joxer and dragged him in front of me. "Anything you can say to me, you can say to him."

He arched one dark eyebrow. "Really?"

"Really."

He smiled sardonically. "All right then. Scribe, Joxer... I want you to be my consort."

PART 8

Joxer's mouth dropped open. "Huh?"

I twisted in Ares's grip. "Joxer, there are four proper responses in a situation like this. A, yes. B, no. C, this is so sudden. And my favorite choice, D..." I thrashed. I think I surprised him, because I got loose. "What the fuck are you thinking of?"

"I can see that you need more time to think about it," Ares said calmly.

Flash

Do you have any idea how disconcerting it is to find yourself suddenly chained to a bed? Especially if there's a guy who happens to be a god on top of you?

"You have five seconds, then I'm going to consumate the union whether you answer or not. One, two, three..."

"Joxer!" I yelled.

"Oh, please!" Ares sneered. "What do you want with him when... Oof!"

The oof was from when he landed on the floor. I think it was more surprise than actual loss of breath. In fact he was so surprised that he wasn't immediately angry. He just stared up in shock at the mortal who had dared to heave him off his chosen piece of... Well, piece.

Joxer held up his hands. "Sorry! Sorry! But look, rape is not a good way to start a relationship. She'll never love you if you force yourself on her like that, I don't care what those cheap, so called 'romance' scrolls say."

Ares just stared at him, then slowly stood up. He wasn't that much taller than Joxer, so they were pretty much eye-to-eye when he stepped up to him. Joxer swallowed hard, but he didn't back up, and he didn't flinch. Bless 'im, I knew he'd risk himself for a friend.

This was obviously a novelty to Ares. "Excuse me. Perhaps I've been afflicted with temporary madness, but for a moment there I thought that you not only laid hands on me, but attempted to give me advice on my love life."

"Love life wouldn't be my first choice of terms!" I rattled the chains. "Let me up from here, you goon!"

He smiled, tilting his head toward me. "Isn't she cute when she's trying to act all independent?" He slung an arm around Joxer's shoulders. "Joxer, isn't it?" Joxer nodded. "R-i-i-ght. You hang with my daughter Xena and her bitch."

Joxer frowned. "That isn't a very nice thing to say about Gabrielle."

"Not nice, but accurate."

"Gotta agree with him there," I called. "Will one of you please let me up from here? And if you're going to go around chaining up people you intend to get hitched to, shouldn't you line your damn cuffs with something?" Zap "Mink would have been nice, but I suppose lambs wool works." I rattled again. "Take 'em off! I'm not into bondage."

Ares glanced at me. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but I would think that as a virgin, you wouldn't know for sure what you're into."

"Um, well..."

"Don't worry, we'll have plenty of time to find out." He looked at Joxer again. "Are you going to do that every time I try to crawl on top of her?"

"If she objects, yes."

"Hm." He grabbed a handful of shirt, lifting Joxer up on his toes. "Let me explain this to you. I'll try to use words of one and two syllables, so you can understand."

"You just used two words with three syllables."

Ares's eyes narrowed. "Maybe you're not quite as stupid as everyone thinks you are." He dragged Joxer up against his body. "Listen, despite what people think, I try not to arbitrarily kill off my worshippers. That's why I haven't blasted you back to the elemental level--yet. Now, for some reason I'm feeling magnanamous today, and..." he trailed off, blinking.

He bent his knee, lifting his leg, and sort off rubbed along the outside of Joxer's left leg. One eyebrow crooked. "Tell me, is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"

I called. "It's a banana! He brought his breakfast with him."

"Um, Goddess Scribe?" Joxer was blushing. "Actually, I put the banana in my right pocket."

"Oh?" *pause* "Oh! Well, that's... unexpected."

"But interesting," commented Ares. He hadn't stopped moving his leg. Joxer was beet red by now.

Flash!

"Okay, Unc, don't zap me! I wouldn't be here if it wasn't important an' what tha fuck is goin on?" A tall, pale man with spiky black hair, wearing as much black leather as Ares, had appeared. He glanced curiously at Joxer and Ares, then at me. He grinned slowly. "Awright, Unc! New toys!"

Ares sighed. "This had better be good, Strife, or it's going to take you a year to heal up."

"Ouch! Ain't my fault, oh Vicious One. 'Thena is ballin up that lil shindig on tha coast, an' Tha Big Cheese said he wants you personally ta see to it."

"Tartarus! Can't I have any time to myself? Can't you or your mother handle it? I'm busy here."

"So I see. Nah, I'da been happy ta take ovah, an' so would Ma, but Zeus said he didn't wanta entrust this ta any minor godlings." Strife giggled. "Ma busted a rivet off her armor, she was so pissed."

"Well, crap!" He sighed. "Does he have anything special he wants done?"

"He wants ya ta stop by an' get special instructions." Strife patted his shoulder. "Shouldn't take more'n a few houahs."

"Oh, all right."

Flash!

Joxer was laying next to me, also in chains. I have seldom seen anyone look so stunned. "Hi. Come here often?"

"This is my first time. Help!"

"You know, I think my smart-assitude is rubbing off on you. Not that I'm adverse to help, but I'm curious--who do you think is going to come?"

"Nobody," said Ares. "You two might as well save your energy--you'll need it later."

I gasped indignantly. "Both of us?"

"A consort, and a concubine. Sounds good to me." He looked at Strife. "You?"

"Cupe would hang me by my hair, but fah you..." he shrugged. "Ya bettah get goin, Unc."

"Right."

Flash!

Strife grinned at us and started over.

Ares was back. "Oh, and when I get back, I want to find them in the same state I left them."

Flash!

Strife sighed. "Dang." He walked over to the bed and stared down at us. "Hiya, Joxie."

"Hi, Strife."

"Hey," I said, "You two know each other?"

"Ya kiddin?" Strife crawled over Joxer and settled himself comfortably on the bed between us. "He's done some of my best work fah me."

"Not intentionally!" Joxer interjected.

Strife shrugged. "So?" He looked at me. "Tha guy can walk through a marketplace an' it ends up lookin like Tha Horde has held a loot 'n' pillage orgy. So, Jox," he threw a leg over Joxer's body. "who's tha tootsie?"

"I beg your pardon! I may be a chick, a girl, a broad, a wench, and even a bitch on occasion, but I am not now, have never been, and never will be a tootsie! However, you can call me Gumdrop if you want."

He giggled. "Nuts. I like that in a woman, 's long as ya don't take it too far, like Calisto. Awright, who are ya?"

"The name is Scribe, and I am so not supposed to be here."

He nodded agreeably. "Most people who find themselves chained somewhere say that. What was that biz Unc was sayin about a consort?"

"He asked us to be his consorts," Joxer supplied.

Strife sat up, blinking. "Are ya sure about that?"

I said, "His exact words were 'Scribe, Joxer... I want you to be my consort.' Hey! Watch the feet and elbows!" I said this because he'd started howling with laugher, rolling and thrashing.

He tried, I'll give him that. He hugged himself while he laughed, but he started sort of... um... vibrating. Finally he threw himself on the floor where he could roll and kick freely. When he settled down into a limp, tittering heap I said, "Tell me. I could use a laugh right about now."

He sat up, wiping tears of laughter from his face. "Was that really an' truly exactly what he said to ya?" I nodded. That set off another gale of laughter, but thankfully this one wasn't quite as violent. At last he said, "Hoooo! That's good! Man, Unca Ares has wedged his butt firmly in a crack this time! He's stuck."

"What do you mean?" asked Joxer, looking a little worried.

Strife climbed to his feet (a little shakily) and sat on the edge of the bed. He patted Joxer's cheek. "It means, hot stuff, that Unc hasta OH-ficially bond with wunna you two."

"Like fun!" I sputtered. "I'm not having him, and neither is Joxer." Joxer was silent. "Right, Joxer?" More silence. I looked at him. "Joxer?" He blushed. "Oh, no! You don't mean to tell me you're in love with that leather clad lecher?" He blushed so hard I felt the heat radiating off him. "Well, day-um, son! I think I know how my mom felt that one time I dated the drummer from the grunge band, the one with the handcuff earings. Okay, it's just lust, right? I can understand that. He isseriously hot, even if the attitude is a major obstacle."

Joxer sighed. "Nope. I've felt this way about Ares since a long time before I knew what Joxer Junior was capable of."

Joxer Junior. I looked at Strife. "He's so cute." I looked back at Joxer. "You love him?"

"My worship is more than just worship, if you know what I mean."

"I'm going to assume you haven't told him this?"

"Of course not! Do I look stupid? Don't answer that! What do you think the God of War would do to a man who said he was in love with him?" Joxer cast his eyes down sadly. "Especially a man like me. Ow! Why'd you do that?"

I'd managed to kick his shin. "Haven't I told you to stop talking down about yourself? You're a terrific guy, Joxer. Ares would be damn lucky to be with you." I glared at Strife. "Comments?"

He raised his hands. "Hey, no! I happen ta agree witcha."

Now it was my turn to blink. "You do?"

"Tartarus, yeah. For a coupla decades now Unc has been in serious need of someone ta come home to. Someone who can kinda mellow him out, if ya know what I mean," he wiggled his eyebrows, "and I think ya do. Anyways, Unc may act like he hardly notices Joxie, but he's been takin an interest fah some time now."

Joxer tried to sit up, but the chains jerked him back down. "He has?"

"Yah. He's got a scryin mirror atuned 'special to you. Haven't ya evah had that kinda prickly feelin, like someone was watchin ya?"

Joxer looked shy. "Oh, you must be mistaken. He wouldn't bother with me."

"Sheesh, mortals! Always wantin proof. Okay." Strife rummaged in a bedside cabinet, and came up with a small, round mirror. He showed it to Joxer. "Take a gander."

We both did. "So it's a reflection of Joxer. Duh? It's a mirror."

Strife rolled his eyes. "Look again, Curly. It's an aerial view of Joxie, an' ya can see me holdin tha mirror fah him ta look."

I looked again. Damned if he wasn't right. I glanced at Joxer. "Whoa, Jox. This is more invaisive than a hidden web cam. He's had you on close circuit glass."

"Yup. An' notice this streak?" Strife pointed to a smeary place on the little mirror.

Joxer studied it. "What is it? Has he been eating while he watched me?"

"Nah. Let's just say that if this was a female mirrah, it might have little monacles by now."

Joxer looked blank. I leaned over and whispered in his ear. His eyes got big. "Oh, no! If he watched me while I was... I mean, sometimes I... Ooo, and I know that time in the pond I yelled his name! Xena and Gabby came running because they thought that he'd appeared and I was shouting a warning. I almost drowned, ducking under the water."

"Little more private information than I needed, Joxer. So Strife, are you saying that Ares has to marry one of us?" He nodded. "Or what? I, personally, have no intention of slapping him with a breach of promise suit." Strife crawled back on the bed, draping himself over both of us so that his legs were arranged diagonally across Joxer and his head rested on my bosum. "Comfy?" I asked sarcastically.

"I love Cupe as a pillah, but I gotta admit that yer softah. Anyways, now Unc hasta take one of ya as his publicly recognized consort. Y'see, fah awhile there, long time ago, Zeus was tellin every mortal, demi-god, an' full fledged deity that he boiked that he was gonna ditch Hera an' make 'em his consort. Ya wouldn't believe tha amount of nookie somethin like that can get ya. Anyways, Hera found out, an' boy, did she get her toga in a twist. She appealed ta tha Fates, and Gaia, an' they laid down tha rule. Any God or Goddess that asks anyone, mortal or othawise, ta be their consort is bound ta carry through on tha offah. If they're already hitched, then both concerned parties gotta agree to a menage..."

Joxer looked confused. "Three way," I offered. He gasped, eyes going wide, and the blush was back full force. "What?"

"I just realized what Meg must've thought when she asked if Xena, Gabby, and I ever had a menage, and I said all the time. I thought she meant stew."

"That would be melange. I hope I'm there if she ever mentions it to either one of them. So Strife, what happens if one of the askees doesn't consent to play threesies?"

He looked troubled. "Ta tell ya tha truth, I'm not exactly sure what would happen. There's nevah been a test case. I suspect it would be somethin very unpleasant, probably painful, an' maybe messy--fah tha asker, anyway. I gotta say, I'm kinda surprised. Unc hasn't shown any inclination ta get hitched. Then a few months ago he just ups an' disappears. We consulted tha Fates, an' they said he was on a mission, not ta worry about him. He shows up two nights ago, royally pissed about somethin..." he pointed, "an' searchin fah a certain curly headed, blue-eyed, pants-wearin, smart mouthed woman who doesn't seem ta know much about what's goin on around her."

"I resent that. I think I've adapted rather well, if you over look the reaction to outside bodily waste elimination."

Strife blinked. "Wha-huh?"

Joxer offered, "According to her they have some sort of seats in the buildings that you can... um... you know, in, and it's just swept right out of the house."

Strife considered this. "No chambah pots? No outhouses?"

"Not unless you're visiting Dogpatch," I responded.

"Hm." He got a thoughtful look on his face, then a slow, evil grin spread. "I bet if somethin went wrong with them so that they couldn't sweep tha stuff out, that would cause," he giggled, "a real stink."

Joxer gave me a woeful look. "You've just given him an idea."

"Generations of plumbers will thank me. Anyway, I'm sure that there's some sort of a loophole we can use here. I mean, he didn't really mean what he said. He only phrased it like that because I told him he could say anything he had to say to me to Joxer, too."

Joxer nodded. "He was being sarcastic." His voice lowered. "Darn it."

Strife was shaking his head. "Don't mattah. Tha words were said, he's bound ta follow through. He's gotta pledge ta one of ya, and soon. I don't know if there's an actual time limit. I think we'd hafta consult with tha authorities on that." He cocked his head, thinking. "I'd say he'll prob'ly go with you, Scribie. No offense, Jox--you're a hot dude, an' a sweetie, an' all that, but let's face it... He'd catch all kindsa shit from mosta tha Pantheon. Yah, Cupe an' me got away with it, but we still get snotty looks an' comments some time. An' I think tha only reason it ain't worse is that neithah one of us is considahed a major deity. But damn, Unc is War, dig?"

"How do you come up with all these anachronistic terms?" I asked.

"Halls of Time."

"Then how come you don't know about potties? Oh, wait a minute. They never actually show them functioning in the movies or television... Not often, anyway, and not in any mainstream stuff..."

"Yer babblin, sweetcheeks."

"I tend to do that when I'm freaked out, and being chained to a bed awaiting the return of a possibly psychotic, definitely horny, aggressive god will do that to me."

He shrugged. "Don't worry about it. He can't force ya ta commit to him."

"What about sex?"

"Uh, well, yah. that he could force. He prob'ly won't, though. He really prefers a willin partnah, despite what tha rumahs say."

"'Probably won't' doesn't inspire confidence in me."

"Don't sweat it." He got up. "I'll go have a few talks with some people, make sure tha situation is brought ta their attention. If he gets persistent, tell him you're preggers. He don't mess with moms-ta-be."

"He already knows that I'm a virgin."

"Uh. That won't work, then. That ain't scheduled ta happen fah anothah few centuries, I think. Tell ya what, Joxer, if he tries ta get frisky with yer friend, just distract him. You can do it," he grinned, "an' I think I can safely say that ya would have fun doin it."

"How about letting us go?"

He snorted. "Even if I could undo chains that he slapped on ya, an' that's by no means a sure thing, do ya think I'd be stupid enough ta do it? See ya soon."

Flash!

Gone in a burst of red sparkles.

"Well, damn! " I griped. "What do we do now?"

Joxer sighed, smiled at me, and said, "Read any good scrolls lately?"

I stared at him, then relented. "Well, there was this one called Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Ahzkaban..."

PART 9

Joxer was frowning in concentration. "And people write stories about them where they have sex? I'm sorry, but that's a little sick."

I shrugged, as well as I could in chains. "I don't write that fandom..." I paused, "yet. But the authors almost always age the characters up to at least sixteen or seventeen."

"Well, that's a relief. And all the characters can do magic?"

"Except for the grody Dursleys, yeah."

"Wow. We just have to deal with the gods and goddesses. That must be rough on the mortals."

"Joxer, it's fiction." I looked at the (I once thought) fictitious ancient Greek wannabe warrior. "Never mind." I sighed. "You know, I'm going to need a potty break pretty soon. If he doesn't get back here and turn me loose, I apologize in advance."

"There ought to be some way we can get loose from here. I bet Auto would be able to pick the locks on these things."

"Maybe, but we don't have a convenient King of Thieves summoning device, so it'll have to be some other way. Who else is available?"

Joxer frowned, thinking, "Mmm... Mortals wouldn't be able to hear us from Olympus, so Xena, Gabrielle, Iolaus, and Hercules are out."

"Especially Hercules. I shudder to think of what would happen if he found you chained to a bed."

Joxer paled. "That leaves us with divinities."

"Ares is out for obvious reasons, and Strife already crapped out. Hm. Athena might want to piss Ares off, huh? She's sorta after his job, isn't she?"

"Yes, but she'd be more likely to leave us here, figuring that we'd distract him."

"Artemis? She's pretty protective of virgins, isn't she?"

"Yes, but last I heard she was on an extended hunting trip in India. Something about wanting to train her hounds against tigers."

"Apollo is a no go, for reasons almost as obvious as Ares. Demeter?"

"She wants to see him settled down."

"Crap. How about Hades?"

"I don't see how the Lord of the Underworld would figure in. Anyway, he usually lets mortals sort out their own problems, and besides, Persephone is down there now. He isn't about to leave."

"This is getting very depressing. The gods are supposed to oversee mortal life, and where is one when you need them? Who does that leave?"

"Zeus and Hera. Believe me, you'd really rather not mess with either of them if you don't have to. Besides, Zeus would probably just take the opportunity to poach on Ares territory, anyway. You really don't think he'd be able to resist a chained up woman, do you?"

"Ack! Bad idea, bad idea! What about Poseidon?"

"Well, if we were on some teeny, tiny island he might take an interest, but as far as we are from the sea? Don't think so. Eris is Ares's sister, so she isn't likely to go against his wishes."

"Hephastus?"

"Never hear us over the forge, even if he was interested."

"How about Cupid? I mean, I know he's Ares's son, but he's the God of Love, right? A situation like this has to be a little counterproductive." I looked at Joxer, who had paused to rub his cheek against the sheets. "Well, for me, anyway."

"He's a possibility, I suppose. Other than that... Um, there's Murder, Pain, and Insanity."

"No, no, and no." I seethed. "This is so not fair!" I raised my voice in a yell. "Look! There has to be somebody out there to look after me! This situation is too weird for there not to be! I want help--now!"

There was a shower of gold sparkles, and a short, slender, blond man wearing a winged helmet and winged boots and not a whole hell of a lot more appeared at the bedside. "All you had to do was ask."

Joxer gaped. "Hermes?"

The god nodded. A slim gold pick appeared in his hand and he began to busily tinker in the lock of the manacles around my wrists. "Here to help my follower."

"Now, wait a minute," I protested. "All I ever stole were those two candy bars when I was in junior high, and I got positively sick with guilt, and left money in the store. Well," I flushed guiltily. "There was that library book..."

"I'm not here as the God of Thieves. Aha!" One manacle snapped open and he began working on the other.

"Well, what else? I don't need any messages delivered, and I'm not a liar. Much. Not so that it would attract a divinity's attention."

snap The other manacle came off, and he began to work on Joxer's chains while I stiffly lowered my arms. "Here's a hint--fanfiction.net."

"Fanfiction is not lying!"

snapsnap "Semantics, semantics. Okay, you're loose. You owe me. When you get home, I expect a hot little fiction featuring me and, say Iphicles." He waved, and disappeared in another shower of sparks.

"Oh, great!" I grumbled. "Not only have I been abducted and threatened with a fate worse than death by a mythical person, now I owe one. Okay, we'd better try to find our way out of here."

"Um, Scribe? Even if we can find our way out, we're on Olympus."

"Quite a hike back, huh?" He rubbed his toe on the floor. "Oh, come on. I don't expect there to be a shuttle bus, but..."

"We can try. But I visited Dite once and, well, there just doesn't seem to be any end to Olympus."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I mean after you go a certain distance in one direction you suddenly find yourself back about where you started."

I stared at him, then sighed. "You know, I don't think I ever really appreciated mundane normalcy. I'm beginning to think that boring is not necessarily always a bad thing. Tell ya what; let's concentrate on finding our way out of here first.

A little while later I stopped and leaned against a wall. "I have never in my life seen so much marble mileage. Joxer, does this place have an exit?"

He looked around. "I'm pretty sure it does. I mean, usually they just flash in and out, but sometimes they like to stroll around on Olympus, so I figure they have regular doors for that. I think..." he glanced around. "I think that the only unhidden doors to the outside will not have access to the private chambers."

"Mm." I wandered over to a large double door and put my ear against the door, listening till I was pretty sure there was no one inside. I cracked the doors and looked in. "Would they be in, say, a conference room?"

Joxer came up behind me and peeked over my shoulder. "Audience chamber. Yes, this would be the right direction, anyway."

We sidled through the room and found another door on the far wall. This one led into a lofty marble (surprise, surprise) hall. "Well, damn!"

"No, this is the entryway!" Joxer pointed toward massive, ironbound door on the far end. "Look!"

They started down the center of the hall, and I said, "Crap, I feel like I should be walking along with a scarecrow, lion, and tin man." Joxer gave me a curious look. "It's a future thing--you wouldn't understand, and pay no attention to that man behind the curtain." He yelped and jumped away from a tapestry. "It's a joke! Geez, I gotta find someone with the same cultural references."

It took both of us, but we managed to tug one of the doors open far enough for us to squeeze out. Note to self: if they're gods, why haven't they figured out automatic doors yet?

It was nice outside. I'm talking 'so nice it would get on your nerves after awhile' nice. I'm from Texas--if I go too long without a crappy spell of weather, I get antsy. I grabbed Joxer's collar and dragged him over behind some bushes so we'd be out of sight while we reconnoitered. "Okay, we're out of the cage, but we're still trapped on the wild life preserve. What now?"

Joxer thought. "I'd say we try Aphrodite's place."

"Do you know which one it is?"

He shrugged. "How many pink temples could there be on Olympus?"

Two.

sigh

We stood there for a minute, looking back and forth between both gleaming pink marble edifices. I looked at Joxer. He shrugged. "One of them has to be hers."

"Joxer, I don't want to go wandering into the home of a strange god without an invitation. It could be hazardous to my health... or my virginity. Considering some of the gods you have hanging around--both."

"Most of the ones you really, really have to worry about don't go in for pink. I mean, Murder and Pain just aren't much for pastels."

"I dunno. Pastels give me a pain and sometimes make me feel murderous, but I see your point. Okay, there's only one way to decide." I started pointing back and forth. "Eenie, meenie, miney, mo... Catch a centaur by the... Wait, can't say toe with centaurs, can I? Catch a tiger by the toe..."

"Where?" Joxer was whirling around, staring wildly, looking for a striped predator.

"Not a real tiger, Jox! Gah. What would they be doing with a tiger up there?"

"You never know what Artemis is going to drag home, and if Hera thinks one would look picturesque lounging on the steps of her temple..."

"It's a counting rhyme, but never mind." I counted back and forth rapidly, "MymothertoldmetopicktheverybestonebutIwasnaughtyandIpickedyoudirtydishrag. That one."

As we started up the steps Joxer muttered, "I don't think Dite would like having her temple referred to as a..."

"Then don't tell her." The front hall and the audience room were empty. "Well, dang. Never a deity around when you need one." I started toward the smaller door back behind the big throne.

"Scribe, I'm not sure we should."

"Do you see a 'ring for service' bell anywhere around here? No? Well, I'm not going to stand here and holler 'Hello?' like an idiot. I hate it when people do that."

I went through the door, and he followed me reluctantly. "But Scribe, I really don't feel comfortable with this."

"I haven't felt comfortable with anything since I got groped by Ares back in Texas. I'm tired of sitting back and letting things just wash over me, Jox. I'm going to be taking action from now on." I chose a likely looking door and grabbed the handle.

"But Scribe, that isn't a good idea. You never know what..."

I opened the door and walked right in. I took a look at the vigorous, sweaty activity that was going on in the bed, squeaked, and tried to back up. Joxer had started to follow me, and I ran into him. Neither one of us is the most graceful thing around, and we both ended up on the floor in a tangle. Somehow he had enough breath to finish the sentence. "...you might walk in on."

There was an annoyed yell of, "Hey!" Then there was the slap of bare feet meeting marble, and the pad of steps coming toward us.

"Criminy!" I started to try to get up. Joxer did to. The end result was something like a human pretzel. I ended up with Joxer on top of me, sort of canted sideways as I tried to sit up. My gaze was on level with a pair of bare masculine knees (I've always liked bare male knees. They're so cute--even the knobby ones, and these weren't knobby. They were... um, well, perfect is a good word.

"That's an interesting choice of words. I don't think I've heard that one before." The voice was rich and amused, and made me think of gold and honey for some reason. The speaker squatted, and I had emphatic evidence that this was, indeed, a guy, before I snapped my eyes shut. "Joxer, right? Who's your cute friend?"

"Cupe! Get yer feathahed ass back here an' finish what ya started!" The other voice was querulous.

"It isn't the ass that's feathered, remember?"

"Come back ovah here an' let me check again."

The voice sounded even more amused. "With an audience?"

"Fuck 'em."

"There's an idea."

"Dontcha dare!"

There was a chuckle. "Don't worry, sweetie. You know that these days I only swing if you're interested, too. But they are cute, aren't they?" Another laugh. "I love mortals. But what are you two doing wandering around my temple? How did you get here?"

"I think yer freakin' 'em a little, Cupe. C'mon back here an' maybe they'll pull themselves tagetha enough ta get up."

I heard footsteps retreating, and muttered, "Cupid. Right, pink temple."

"Mom insisted, but I'm redecorating one of these days."

"Joxer, get off me so we can get up and flee," I ordered.

"C'mon, don't be like that." I got brave enough to open my eyes. A naked Cupid (yep, that's who it was all right--all golden skin, shiny hair, laughing hazel eyes, and snowy feathers) was on the bed again, with an equally naked Strife (and he was built a lot nicer than you'd think under all that leather) draped across his lap, glaring at us. Cuped was petting Strife as he spoke, "I'd hate to have to do the chains thing--it's really not my scene." Strife made a kissing motion at him, and Cupid laughed. "All right, except on special occasions."

We managed to get to our feet. I started to turn around, and the door swung shut with a definite thud. I looked back at Cupid, who smiled, raising his eyebrows. Darn divine powers.

Cupid was stroking Strife's bare chest, and the younger god arched up into his touch. "What tha fuck are you two doin here? Didn't I leave ya chained ta Unc's bed?"

"Yes, you did, thank you very much for all the help. And you were supposed to be talking to people about our situation."

"Been there, done that." Cupid plucked at the shiny silver ring that passed through Strife's left nipple. "Oooo... Cupe send 'em somewhere, huh? Ya gotta nice, quiet, doorless room around somewhere, dontcha?"

"Strife, how rude. They just arrived. Sit down, friends. Have a drink." A nice sofa appeared so close behind me that it bumped my legs and I dropped down onto it. A goblet of wine appeared in my hand.

I looked over at Joxer, who was sitting beside me in the same state. He smiled weakly. "Hospitality of the gods."

"So, Strife tells me that one or both of you are going to be my step." Cupid's hand slid down Strife's heaving belly and fastened on his cock, stroking.

"Nothing personal, but not if I have anything to say about it. Are you people always this casual about sex?"

He laughed. "This? You've obviously never seen an Olympian orgy. I am curious as to how you managed to get loose if Dad had you chained up. He's pretty good in the restraints department. I think only Strife's Mom is his equal." Strife pinched Cupid's thigh. "Only because you haven't had as long to practice, Funbuns."

"We had help," Joxer offered.

Cupid squinted thoughtfully, while reaching between Strife's legs. Strife promptly spraddled them as far as he could while lying over Cupid's lap. Cupid smiled down at him, sliding his finger under and up. Strife crooned. "Let's see... Auto is tied up at Discord's place--literally, so that leaves him out. Mm... Could be Hephastus, but Daddy Heph ususally doesn't mess in the affairs of the Pantheon on a personal basis. Likes his peace too much. He leaves the meddling to Mom. That leaves..." he drew it out into a drawl, "Ah. Hermes. Don't bother to deny it."

I scowled at him. "No fair reading my mind."

He shrugged. "What mind reading? There's no one else in the Pantheon quite sneaky enough, except maybe Zeus and Psyche. Zeus would have screwed you both before letting you go, and Psyche is too mean to help anyone else out unless it would benefit her."

Cupid's hand was moving lazily, and Strife was panting. "Cupe, put 'em somewhere an' fuck me or I swear I'm cuttin ya off!"

He cocked an eyebrow at Strife, not looking at all threatened. "I'm not going to lock them up, and we can't let them go wandering around Olympus like a couple of fleecy little lambs."

"Then get 'em a babysittah!"

Cupid sighed. "Let's see... who can we trust not to pitch them back into Dad's lap, or, erm, debrief them?" He got that 'lightbulb over the head' look. "Ah!"

Flash!

Two men appeared before us. One of them was dressed in almost as much leather as Ares or Strife. The other was wearing something I couldn't quite identify, but it was tight and bright. They also looked like Joxer--a lot. Exactly. Well, the colorful one had lighter brown hair, carefully combed into waves, but we're talking clones here otherwise.

The bright one squealed. (Yes, you read me correctly--squealed.) "Cupie!" He did a bow which was more like a curtsy. "Ho bee-yootiful God of all things passionate! How you doin', oh Magnificent One?"

The dark and broody one bowed his head. "Lord Strife. Anyone you want me to kill?"

I got up. "I'm outta here."

Joxer grabbed my arm. "Wait, it's all right. These are my brothers."

At the sound of his voice the two turned around, and both gave Joxer surprised, delighted smiles. The dark one still looked crazy and dangerous, but marginally less threatening. It was very, very weird seeing that sort of menacing aura coming off someone who looked just like Joxer. "Brother!" It was almost a chorus, and they all embraced. Dark and broody did a variation of the 'slap the back, grab the ass, damn, it's good to see you' thing that guys in my time still do. The bright one bounced a little.

After a moment Joxer separated himself. "Scribe, this is my brother Jett, King of Assassins, and my brother Jayce, Lord of the Dance."

I shook hands. Looking at Jayce I said, "Funny, you don't sound Irish."

He pinched my cheek. "Chure cute."

Cupid had materialized a tiny glass bottle and was pouring something glistening on his fingers. "Jayce, Jett... take those two out and keep them occupied, will you? You can go to Mom's place, if you want, though I'm not sure if she's there right now. We'll come find you in a little while." His hand moved down and there was a soft squish as it disappeared between Strife's legs, and a low moan from the Mischief god. "Okay, maybe a couple of hours."

Jett smirked and opened the bedroom door. He bowed to me, gesturing toward the hallway. "C'mon, lady. I think Loverbird and his consort want a little quality time." I walked past him. As I passed I felt a touch on my hip and heard him murmur, "If I knew that this was what I could expect out of babysitting..."

"Joxer!

PART 10

I glared at Jett. "You're Greek, right?"

He smiled. "All of me, baby."

I smacked his face. "Then where the hell did the Roman hands come from?"

He rubbed his cheek, still smiling, "Oo, you've got spunk."

"Oh, crap!" I put Joxer between his brother and me as we walked out of the temple. "This is ridiculous. Where the heck were all you horny guys back when I was young and stupid and in high school?"

"Jett," Joxer frowned at him. "Leave her alone. Besides, maybe Goddess of Smut isn't a big godhood, but she could still... um, could still..."

I peeked out from behind him, "I can write erotica where you're hung like a hamster and have the staying power of a mayfly."

Jett shrugged. "Then I'll just have to try real hard to prove them wrong, won't I?"

"Damn!" I swore, "A man who's not insecure about his sexuality! Why do I have to run up across the mutants all the time? Just back off." He took one tiny step back and wiggled his eyebrows at me. "More. You've got long arms."

Jayce slapped Jett on the shoulder. "Yett leave Gahdess Scribe alone, eh? For hwunce in chur life, try to be a yentleman." He turned a charming smile on me, then offered me his arm. "If I may?"

I blinked. "Well, no one's done that for me except that time I was bridesmaid and I walked back down the aisle with one of the ushers. Now I don't even have to wear candy colored taffeta." I tucked my hand in his elbow as we continued out of Cupid's temple. Behind us I could hear Jett muttering about 'no fair, isn't like he'll actually make any use of the opportunity'.

We went over to the second pink temple. As we got inside, something swooped down on us from near the ceiling. I flinched, throwing my arms over my head. "The last thing I need is bird poop in my hair!"

"Hey! I'se potty trained!" a small, high-pitched voice declared.

I opened my eyes to find an adorable little blond boy, about four or five years old, hovering at about eye level with me. Yes, that's right--hovering. Frankly, I would have thought that he'd have to flap those pretty white wings as fast as a hummingbird to achieve it, but I suppose that the laws of physics don't apply to gods the same way they do to mortals.

He had big blue eyes, and his blonde hair was a tumble of curls. All he was wearing, besides a puzzled look, was a pair of loose linen shorts. Yeah, well, I guess T-shirts would kind of be out of the question. He was cocking his head at us, and he said, "Howcome there three Joxies?"

Joxer stepped forward and gently plucked the little boy out of the air. The kid didn't seem to mind. He put his arms around Joxer's neck in a familiar, companionable way. "Bliss, you've heard me talk about my brothers. This it Jett, and this is Jayce."

Bliss giggled at them, then pointed at me. "Who her?"

"That's Scribe. She's goddess of... uh..." He started blushing.

"I'm Goddess of Nursery Rhymes and Stories," I informed him. They all stared at me. "I can so, do it!" I cleared my throat. "Hickory, dickory, dock. The mouse ran up the clock."

"What's a clock?" asked Bliss. The three men nodded.

"Ohh-kay. Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my son John. Went to bed with his stockings on..."

Jayce put a hand on his hip. "Oh, I theenk I know heem! He never takes off hees makeup, either."

I rubbed my face. "I had a little nut tree, nothing would it bear, but a silver nutmeg, and a golden pear..."

Bliss clapped his hands. "Likea gold apple, huh?" He frowned, and shook his finger at me. "Youse not 'sposed to have 'em. They not for mortals 'less Zoos say so."

"No, hon, a golden pear," I tried to explain, "And a silver nutmeg..."

Jett folded his arms, scratching his chin. "Precious metal nuts and fruits growing together on the same tree? Sounds like something only Gaia would have." He gave me a conspiratorial grin. "You been sneaking in where you shouldn't? Maybe hanging out with Autolycus?"

"I give up. Once upon a time there was an evil queen..." Joxer slapped a hand over my mouth. I jerked it down. "What now?"

"One word--Hera."

"Ooo. Gotcha." I looked at Bliss. "You'll just have to take my word for it."

He nodded. "Okay. You wanna see Gran'ma?"

I must've looked blank. Joxer explained, "Aphrodite."

I snickered. "I bet he's the only one who can really get away with calling her that. Yes, dear, we'd like to see Gran'man."

"Kay!" He started to wiggle. "Down!" Joxer set him down, and he trotted off toward a hallway. After a few paces he turned and regarded us, hands on his hips, full lips pouting, and said, "Well?"

I shook my head as we followed him. "She couldn't deny him if she wanted to."

Jett sidled close beside me as we made our way through the temple. "About this problem you have with Ares wanting you for his consort?"

"Yes?"

"Have you considered that he might lose interest if you weren't a virgin any more?"

I gave him a disbelieving glance, then made my voice wondering. "Why, I never would have thought of that. But if I wanted to lose my virginity, I couldn't do it on my own."

Joxer said, "Well, it depends on how you define 'virginity'. If the only requirement is the actual hymen, then you could..." he trailed off, blushing.

I batted my eyelashes at him. "Yes?"

"You're teasing me," he accused.

"I'm sorry, doll, but you're such an easy target. I don't think that would deter ol' Leather Britches, though. I'm pretty sure he'd have the 'gotta have a partner' interpretation." Jett cleared his throat. "Let me guess--you're generously willing to offer your services in, um, servicing."

He tried to put an arm around me. "You do have a turn of phrase." I pushed him away. "I love it when you play hard to get."

"I think that Greek men must be the most persistant in the world, if not the horniest. You guys..." I stopped as what seemed like a solid wall of smell hit me. Whoo-ee. It wasn't stinky. No, it was more like a combination of a florist's and a fudge shop, with the perfume counter of a chi-chi women's store thrown in. I tried to wave enough away so I could draw a deep breath without giving myself diabetes. "What is that?"

"Gran'ma workin'," explained Bliss.

"Uh oh," said Joxer. "If Dite is in the middle of potion making it might not be the best idea in the world to interrupt her."

"Quite frankly, I don't give a durn if I give her potionus interruptus," I said. Bliss was standing in front of a doorway. "In there?" I walked right in...

Right into Aphrodite, who was carefully carrying a bowl which was, in my humble opinion, way too full. Wouldn't you know that it tilted out instead of in. Oh, and she jumped a little, giving the liquid some lift, so I ended up chin to knees some sort of sparkly pink liquid. We both 'eeped' at the same time.

Dite stamped her foot, causing jiggling in places that had the guys' eyes rivitted. Well, actually moving up and down, but you know what I mean. "I worked on that for ages!"

"Crud." I dabbed a finger in it. I was starting to tingle in all the areas that were damp. It wasn't an unpleasant feeling, but I didn't trust it. "Tell me this wasn't the cure for Hercules."

"What? Oh, that. No," she waved her hand. "I haven't gotten to that yet."

I put my hands on my hips, doing a 'Dite impression, I guess. "You mean all this time and you haven't been working on the cure? Darn, woman, do you know what kind of situation I'm in right now? Your brother is trying to consort with me and Joxer."

"I heard. Congratulations."

I gaped. "Con...? Look, I don't want to get consorted with."

"Um..." she rubbed her toe on the floor. "You might--soon."

I narrowed my eyes at her. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, that stuff that I spilled on you? It's sort of a passion potion."

I groaned, slapping my forehead. "Now, don't panic, I'm not sure."

"Not sure? It's your potion."

"Yes, but I didn't intend for it to be rubbed on. It's supposed to be taken internally."

"Do you mean that I'm going to have even more guys chasing me? I can't handle this! It's bad enough with Ares, then Apollo, and now..." I slapped backward, contacted, and heard Jett curse, "Mister Murder Incorporated. I don't need any more..."

"Thaaaat's not how it should work."

I got very still. "How, pray tell, else could it work?"

She cleared her throat. "Um, it could make you fairly horny."

"Fairly horny?"

"Okay, pretty horny." I stared at her. "Very horny?" I crossed my arms. "Okay, okay. If it works like it's supposed to, and it works through the skin, you'll be hornier than a brass band and a herd of ten prong bucks put together."

I looked around. "Where's the bathroom?"

"Too late," she shook her head. "It's soaked in."

"It couldn't have. I only got drenched about..." Jett reached around and skimmed a finger down my front, from neck to navel. I slapped it. "Stop that!" He showed me the finger--bone dry. I checked my clothes. There wasn't a sign of the passion potion. "Oooo, crap."

Dite patted me on the shoulder. "Don't worry about it. It might not work, and if it does, it's not fatal." She frowned. "Of course, you did get an awful big dose." She shrugged. "Well," she gestured toward Joxer, Jett, and Jayce. "no problem. You have three studs..." She looked at Jayce again. "Um... Strife is usually around somewhere, and I hear that he and Cupid make a hell of a tag team."

Jayce volunteered, "Thay're beesy. That's hwhy we came here."

"Hm. They'll be a couple of hours." She started ticking off on her fingers. "If you passed on Apollo, he'd be sure to be interested in another chance, then there's Hermes--little, but cute. I could import Iolaus..."

"Just get me to a room with a good lock on the door and I'll ride it out."

Dite blinked, then giggled--a touch nervously, I thought. "Oh, hon, you don't want to do that. You'd be, like, big time uncomfortable."

"Says you, little Miss Would-get-a-hell-of-an-energy-jolt. That's the line all the men use." I snorted. "People make too darn big a fuss over sexual frustration. I had a Siamese cat once--Critter. I couldn't afford to have her fixed, and every damn month it was the same thing--yow, yow, yow, yow! I ended up finding homes for kittens just so I could get a little sleep. Anyway, I'm a grown woman--it's not like I haven't been horny before and resisted it." Jett started to say something. "No, I won't tell you about it. Room?"

Aphrodite led me to a nice enough room--no windows, big ass bed, door that locked. I didn't like the sympathetic looks she was giving me. "Nice. I don't suppose you have a thermostat around here?"

"And a thermostat would be?"

"Didn't think so." I tugged at my collar. "I'd think with all this marble around it would be cooler."

"Look, if you change your mind, the boys will be nearby. Jayce is reorganizing my wardrobe, Jett has found the ahem library..."

I rolled my eyes. "Great. Horndog with porn."

"And Joxer and I are going to have a little talk about a certain hunky war god." She twiddled her fingers at me. "Just holler if you want anything." She giggled. "Or anyone."

I locked the door after her. *Yeah, right. This won't be so hard. I figure I'll give it an hour--if it's going to work, it should by then.*

I went and sat on the edge of the bed. I drummed my fingers on my thighs. *I hope Dite has started on that spell removing potion. The sooner Hercules is de-bamboozled, the sooner Joxer and I can get back to where it's marginally normal.* I stood up. *Maybe I should go check... Which would put me out and about with Jett the Grabber.* I sat back down and started drumming my fingers again.

Then I noticed that I wasn't exactly drumming--I was more, like, stroking. Or rubbing, or massaging. Anyway, it was way too slow to be considered drumming. I quickly crossed my arms and tucked my hands under them, out of the way. I crossed my legs. I squeezed my legs together. *Screw what she said about all that stuff absorbing or evaportating. Some of it got into my underwear. That's the only possible reason for my panties being damp.* I unbuttoned my shirt a few buttons. *Damn, it's warm in here!* I started plucking the front of my blouse, trying to fan myself. *I'm alone--I don't really need this bra on.*

I ditched the bra and put the shirt back on. Then my legs were hot. *Hell, no one's going to come in, right? I mean, I locked the door. I used to walk around the house naked when I was young.* I pulled off the pants. That didn't help much. I kept feeling hotter and hotter. I wondered if it was because we were close to Apollo's temple? I got up and paced. It didn't help. Walking cause, um, an interesting sort of rubbing.

I paced faster and faster. I found that I was rubbing my thighs again. I looked down and was surprised to find that there seemed to be two sharp points under my shirt. *What the hell? That's only supposed to happen if it's cold, or you're...* "No--fucking--way." It felt like I had static electricity building up all over my body, including my hair prickling. "Noooooooo!" I stopped, clapping a hand to my mouth. Finally I whispered, "Oh, wow. Critter, I'm so sorry!"

There was a timid tap on the door. "Goddess Scribe, are you all right?"

"Joxer?"

"I thought I heard you cry out. Are you okay?"

I found that I was stalking toward the door. I stopped. "I'm... I'm okay."

"Are you sure?"

I felt a throb south of my navel. "No, not really."

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

*Fuck it. This is Joxer. It'll be okay.* I opened the door. There he stood, in all his goofy, geeky, cute splendor. I was damn glad we'd ditched the armor.

He blinked at me. "Can I...?"

I reached out and grabbed his shirt. "You damn betcha you can!" I jerked him into the room, slammed the door, shoved him back against it, and kissed him.

When I let him up for air he gasped, "You've changed."

"Shocking, isn't it?" I swung him around and shoved him toward the bed. He stumbled, but didn't fall back on it. Not till I tackled him, anyway. I was over him on my hands and knees. "Look, Joxer, I know this is sudden, and I know you're more interested in Ares..." His eyebrows shot up, and he started to say something. I kissed him to shut him up. pause Okay, so it wasn't really to shut him up. It was fun, too. I would have thought Joxer would have tasted like honey, considering what he'd had for breakfast, but it was more of a winey taste. Still nice, though.

"Maybe I won't die if I don't have sex, but you couldn't prove it by me. You can consider this hero work."

He swallowed. "Okay."

"Thank you!" I ripped his shirt open, leaned down, and nipped him right between the nipples. He yipped. "Sorry. I haven't done this before, so I'm working on instinct and what I've read."

"You're doing pretty damn good as far as I can tell," he said breathlessly.

"Flatterer." I grabbed at the laces of his pants and started to struggle with them. "Damn! Bows, Joxer, bows--not knots." I managed to get the laces undone and skinned the pants down. "Heh-looo! Whoa, Joxer the Mighty is right!"

That's where I should have gotten suspicious--he didn't blush.

The door swung open and Jayce came in. It's a note of how caught up I was that I didn't dive for the sheets and start babbling explanations. He scowled at us and said, "That was a nasty trick you pulled."

"I haven't even really done anything yet!" I protested.

"Not you, sweetie." He shook a finger at my recumbent play partner. "It hwasn't nice of you to tie up poor Yoxie like that!"

"Whuh?" I looked down. He grinned up at me, and there was way too much slyness in that expression to be Joxer. "Jett! I ought to..." He reached up and squeezed my breasts. "Ooo... What the hell." I fell on top of him. Things got interesting.

Jayce said, "Oh. Hwell... ahem Hyes, I should go, I suppose..." he trailed off. He came over and sat next to the bed. "Hyou mind very much, Mees Scribe?"

Jett had rolled us over and was on top of me. "Mind what?" yip! "Damn, that hurts!"

Jett stopped moving. "Should I stop?"

I wrapped my legs around his waist. "Only if you really want me to kill you."

He didn't stop. "Oo, you're a talented amature, lady."

"Save your energy--you'll need it."

What? No, I'm not going into more detail. Hell, I'm telling you about my first time, that's enough. A girl needs to keep some things to herself, and considering what I'm about to tell you, I feel perfectly justified in not getting minute.

It was niiiice. But in a little while he rolled off me. "That's it?"

He lifted his head and looked at me. "Scribe, that was one rousing good fuck. I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You climaxed at least twice--I felt it. It was that second one that did me in."

I was twitching. "Well, how much longer till you're ready again?"

He groaned. "Shit, eager is good, but it's going to be at least a few minutes."

I bounced. "That's not faaaaaair!" blink "Oh, lord. I'm turning into a Siamese cat."

"Hexcuse me?" I looked over. Jayce was naked, and smiling at me gently. "Hi theenk I can help."

That got Jett to sit up. "Jayce? But I thought you were... Well, you know."

Jayce rolled his eyes. "I swear, Yett, peeples have such narrow leetle minds. Hwhy should I limit myself?" He spread his hands. "And hwhy should I deny myself to anyone yust based on gender?"

"I'm convinced." I grabbed and dragged him down on top of me.

People, let me tell you something--Just because someone acts effiminent...

I didn't have a whole hell of a lot to compare with, but I sure as hell didn't notice any discrepancies. And when Jayce finally crawled off me I was a lot closer to sanity again. In fact, I was purring. I know the cat metaphores are a bit thick, but I can't help it--I'm a cat person.

Jett rubbed my belly. "Better now, sweetie?"

"Much, but still a little, um, nervous. Are you...?"

"Not quite yet."

"Damn."

I heard a voice coming down the hall. "Jayce, did you find Jett? He didn't get to Scribe, did he? I'll never forgive myself. I'm supposed to be a hero, and I end up tied up with one of Dite's nighties." He walked in, and stopped, mouth dropping open.

Mine dropped, too. Joxer was head to toe black leather. Damn, he looked hot. "Joxer, that isn't your usual outfit."

"Jett stole my clothes. I had to put his on."

"Looks gooood." I crooked my finger at him.

He edged closer. His eyes were bouncing between Jett, Jayce, and me. "Uh, you know, it looks like..." He was blushing. He swallowed. "So, I guess the potion is effective through the skin as well as swallowed, huh?"

"You could say that. It's rude to stand so far away when you're talking to someone."

He sidled closer still. "Look, do you want me to go and shut the door, or something."

He was within reach. "Or something." I grabbed.

sigh

You can find family resemblences in the most interesting ways.

I don't know how long we were in there. No clocks, dontcha know. I've never been good at estimating time, even when I'm not distracted. And no more details, except to remark that the boys had a wonderfully developed sense of co-operation and teamwork. smirk

Later we located a bathing room down the hall. You know, they had some BIG ass baths back then. Sort of like hot tubs, without the jacuzzi jets. Anway, we were all cuddled together in one, with bubbles, when Dite came in and squealed. "I wondered where that massive energy wave was coming from! Oh, way to go, sister!"

I blushed and slid under the water. Jett hauled me back up. "No point in getting all shy about it now."

Cupid came in, "Ma, do you know anything about that energy burst I got a little while ago? I'd be bouncing off the walls if I hadn't been with Strife. As it is, he's going to be stiff for a while." He skidded to a halt when he saw us. He blinked. "This is the woman who nearly died of embarrassment when she saw me and Strife wrestling naked?"

"Things change."

"Where are my future consorts?"

It was impossible to mistake that bellow. I went underwater again. I tried to stay down, figuring that drowning might be less painful than facing Ares, but the triplets managed to haul me up. I was clutched in their arms, spluttering and dripping, when Ares stormed in.

He stopped dead when he saw us. He walked slowly to the edge of the tub and stared down. I could see his head move slightly as he visually counted who was in the tub. One eyebrow climed slowly. Finally he said, "Is it safe to assume that you're not a virgin anymore?"

I took a breath and sat up. I glanced around at Joxer, Jayce, and Jett. "It's safe to say that I'm not any kind of a virgin anymore." blink "If you know what I mean." Jett smirked. I splashed him. "So, you'll send me back now that I'm not pristine any more, right? Why are you shaking your head?"

"If you'll search your memory, you'll realize that I sought you out and brought you to Greece long before I knew about your maiden state." He shrugged. "I don't see any reason for this to make a difference."

I sighed. "Who does a girl have to screw to get off this mountain?"

PART 11

I sighed. "Well, I suppose there's absolutely no point in just sitting here. Pruned skin never solved anything. Somebody hand me a towel, huh?"

Ares held out his hand, and a big bath sheet appeared. He spread it between his hands. "Come on."

I scrunched down. "You gotta be kidding."

He rolled his eyes. "Look, contrary to rumors, I'm really not that much of an exhibitionist. Now, you were worrying about your skin wrinkling? Get out of there, or I promise that I'll find a very interesting way to iron you out."

Considering the fact that I was just a weeny bit sore at the moment, I figured that I might better co-operate, so I stood up. He wrapped me up, then, to my relief, patted me on the butt and pushed me away. He materialized another sheet and held it out. "You next, Joxer."

"Oh. Um..."

One eyebrow went up. "Don't make me come in there after you."

Jayce prodded Joxer. "Yoxie, please. He's hwearing boots." He shifted. "And hit's hard to avoid important bits in a confined space like this."

Joxer stood up and stepped out of the tub, walking to Ares to be towel-wrapped. Ares just stood there, staring at Joxer, getting a very thoughtful look on his face.

Strife came in and took the opportunity to push the towel I was using on my hair down over my face. I lifted it again and stuck my tongue out at him. "Brat."

He grinned. "Ya love me anyways." He looked over. "Um, why's Unc doin' a Gorgon victim immitation? He's just standin an' starin."

"Check out what he's staring at."

Strife looked. "Damn! Who'da thought he had that under that shit he calls armor?"

"Legions of fans."

"Huh?"

"You wouldn't understand." I raised my voice. "Ares, I know that a wet, naked Joxer is a very good thing, but he's a wet, naked, shivering Joxer."

"Oh. Yes." Ares finished wrapping Joxer in the bath sheet. However, he failed to drop his arms once he was done. Instead he sort of moved his hands up and down Joxer's back. Looks were exchanged amongst everyone present.

"Say, Ares," I said, "I can teach him how to dry his own back, if you let him go."

Joxer was staring up into Ares's eyes. He murmured, "That sounds fascinating."

More looks all around. "I know I've always enjoyed it," I commented.

"A-hem!" No one can a-hem like a... well, whatever Jayce is. Even Ares broke significant eye contact to look back at the tub. Jayce said, "Hyou know, chur studliness, hit's husually a good hidea to be polite to potential in-laws."

Jett was grinning. "Translation: What? No towels for us?" Ares squinted, and a towel appeared over the head of each triplet left in the bath, dropping down over their faces. "Hey! Kind of abrupt there."

"So don't tip me when you get out," he said shortly. But he let go of Joxer (a bit reluctantly, I thought). "Get dressed, you two. I don't want my future consorts roaming around undraped unless ~I~ decide on it."

My eyes narrowed. "If ever I heard an incentive to go streaking..."

Jett was climbing out of the tub now. "I'm not sure exactly what streaking is..."

Jayce was climbing out, too. "Has to do with hair, Yett," he informed him. "But hyou have to be careful. Hif you clump, hyou look like a skonk."

"As I was saying, I don't know what it means, but it sounds promissing." He smiled at Ares. "Forbid her again." I located a bar of soap and threw it at him.

"Enough of this," Ares sighed.

We were dressed suddenly. I must say that Joxer's leather pants were significantly tighter than the original ones had been, and he was wearing a leather vest, something like the ones Ares sometimes favored. The effect wasn't quite the same, given his more slender build and smoother body type, but hey, it still made for a nice view.

I heard a wolf whistle from Jett, and looked down at myself. "Oh, no fucking way! I don't do see-through."

Ares looked smug. "Well, you don't really have much choice in the matter."

"Ya think?" I looked at Joxer. "Gimme the vest." He hesitated. "C'mon, Joxer. My secondary sexual characteristics are getting cold."

Ares threw up his hands. "Tartarus!" The drapey dress thing I was wearing was suddenly a lot thicker. More like jersey than tissue. "Happy?"

"Better. But you might have waited till I'd dried off." I was trying to peel the damp material away from my skin.

"Oo!" Strife rushed over and got real close for a better look. In fact, his face was about two inches from my bosom.

I put my palm against his forehead and pushed him back. "I'm not hiding the secret of the universe in my cleavage."

"I just had a great idea," he said excitedly. "Wet toga contests! Can ya imagine what kinda trouble I could stir up in tha taverns with those?"

"We can plan the reception entertainment later, Strife," Ares dismissed him. He put an arm around Joxer and myself. "There's no point in discussing details till we get the whole thing officially approved, and the date set."

I jerked away. "Will you wait a minute? I thought we'd been over this ground before. I don't want to get married!"

"Yes, we have been over this before. Perhaps I didn't make myself clear." He got up in my face. "You--don't--have--a--choice."

I stared at him, then put a finger in the middle of his chest and pushed him back. "Ease off on the testosterone, Big Bad. I'm going to have to go stand next to Aphrodite just to be able to breathe."

Said Love Goddess was frowning. "Ares, I know you haven't done much dating or courting in your life, but gah! Blunt much? The only females who fall for that 'you man, me woman' bit aren't worth having."

Ares gave her a flat look. "Dite, I may be working on a time limit here. I don't have time for moonlight, roses, and stuffed animals." He gave me a challenging look. "Are you going to tell me that being married to Lord Ares, God of War, heir of Olympus, isn't an attractive position?"

"Considerin tha othah positions involved," Strife murmured.

Jayce fluttered over and laid a hand on my shoulder, whispering in my ear, "You gotta admit, chica, eets an hattractive package. Chu could hit him up for some serious goodies, hif you want to get materialistic about it." I stared at him, and he shrugged. "So I'm a material guy. I'm living in a material world."

"I wouldn't be. He'd probably keep my butt stuck on Olympus, and what would I do? Quilt with Hestia? Garden with Demeter? Write dirty stories with the Muses?" I paused, smiling. "Wait a minute..." I shook my head. "No. No internet to publish them."

Ares was obviously trying to control himself. It was a good look for him--dangerous. "Scribe, I keep trying to tell you. This is important. I have to get married, and soon. Otherwise there will be far reaching repercussions."

"Like what? The fall of civilization as we know it? The end of the world? Time runs backwards? The invention of telemarketing? The Twilight of the Gods?" His eyes shifted. "Oh, lord, not that plot device again!" I stomped my foot. "Every other fanfiction to come down the wire has prevention of the Twilight as the driving force behind everything. Couldn't just once have some huge, convoluted plot be set in motion by, oh, I don't know... the prevention of disco?" I looked at Jayce. "Actually, I love disco, but it's such an easy target."

"I have no idea what you're babbling about," growled Ares. "But I suppose things might be easier if I just explained this all to everyone at once. Then we'll see how you are at standing up to the pressure of the entire pantheon." He grabbed me around the waist and did the same for Joxer. "Official functions chamber, people. Ten minutes--no excuses."

Flash! I hate that! There's a reason I stay off roller coasters, okay?

He let go, and Joxer and I sort of fell together, though he was doing most of the holding up. I was too busy trying to keep my last meal inside. Ares yelled, "Hermes! Now!"

Flash!1

The guy who'd unchained us earlier appeared. He took one look at Ares, paled, and said, "Um, about those chains... See, I knew they couldn't get off Olympus, and I was just going to let them get some exercise."

"Shut up. I don't have time to do anything creative right now. If you can get everyone here in ten minutes, I'll forego anything permanent."

zip

Damn, he left so fast that the...

Flash! Pop!

Argh! The flash and the pop of displaced air was delayed by a second or two. Man, he was in a hurry. And that flash and pop didn't help my digestion, either. Not to be too vulgar, I urped. Just a little bit of urp, not much more than your average baby might spit up, but then, how much does there have to be?

In a second I found myself sitting on a nice little sofa, wearing another clean dress, wiped clean, and having Ares hand me a cup of cool water while Joxer put a damp cloth on my forehead.

Hey. That kind of service is a pretty good argument for any situations. The usual reaction around the house is, "How sick are you? Not too? You didn't get it on the carpet, did you?"

Joxer sat beside me, patting my hand as various gods and goddesses, most looking annoyed or confused, or both, began to pop in. Dite bounced over, wrinkled her nose, materialized an atomizer, and spritzed me with rose water.

Strife and Cupid were right behind her, along with the other two triplets. Strife assessed the situation, then said, "Whoopsies, huh?" I nodded. He nodded back at me. "Ya know, that got real bad fah me when I was preggers with Impetua. Say, dya think you...?"

"For heaven's sake, I've only done it once!" Joxer, Jett, and Jayce looked at each other, then at me. "Oh, okay. Just one session. I couldn't possibly have caught pregnant from... just... one..." I trailed off. "Oh, God. I'm channelling the spirit of a 1950s teenager! That's as bad as thinking that you can't get pregnant if you do it standing up."

Jett grinned wolfishly. "Speaking of which..."

"No, let's not speak of it," snapped Ares.

Joxer was gaping. "Scribe! Do you really think you might be... be..." His face lit up. "I could be a daddy?"

Jayce drawled, "Hwell, chu have an uno-een-tres chance, Yoxie." He giggled. "Oo, I wouldn't mind a leetle chica." He shared a grin with Dite. "They're so much fun to dress." Her smile faded a little when he continued, "Of course, hit doesn't make that much difference if eet's a chico." He poked Jett. "No comment from chu, Beeg Brother?"

Jett shrugged. "I'm fine with it, either way. I don't have any kids," he smiled, "that I know of, anyway. I can't promise to do a lot of bonding stuff, but I make a good living, and I'd kick in for support." His smile grew feral, "And I believe that having me for a dad would insure that the kid had to deal with a lot less shit than some would."

"Yeah," I said, "Not too many people are stupid enough to mess with the kid of the King of Assassins."

Joxer was looking at Ares apprehensively. "You... you wouldn't mind, would you?"

Strife shrugged. "Unc makes a good step-dad. I speak from personal, if not official, experience."

While this exchange was going on, more people were appearing, and they were all milling around, muttering, eyeing our little group.

"Joxer!"

Everyone within hearing range flinched. Bliss had popped in with Cupid and Strife, and now he grabbed at Cupid, round-eyed. "Harpy!"

Cupid stroked his curls. "No, baby, not a harpy."

Bliss frowned. "Mommy?"

Strife had a laughing fit while a dismayingly familiar short, blonde figure shoved her way over to us. "Um, hi, Gabrielle," said Joxer.

"Don't you 'hi' me! We've been looking all over for you and that stray you picked up."

You know, I thought that writers were supposed to be observant. Why, then, didn't she notice the smolder that her attitude had started with Ares, Jett, and Jayce?

Xena came up behind her, a long-suffering look on her face. "Hi, Joxer--Scribe. We were pretty worried about you. You were last seen going into Apollo's temple. That didn't bother me too much, since Apollo ususally just screws his pick-ups, then brings them back. But when I got to the temple, Ares' power signature was all over the place, and..." she shrugged. "Well, we knew you were running from him for some reason."

"Well, they're looking comfy-cozy now," snarked Gabrielle. "And I'm highly suspicious. After all, Hermes said it concerned her when he brought us here, and..."

"I must remember to thank Hermes for this," said Ares tightly. "I did not ask for you two."

"Get away from my Joxer, you brazen wench!"

Hercules was storming toward us, eyes blazing. Iolaus was trying to hold him back, but... Well, picture the Taco Bell Chihuahua trying to hold back a rabid Marmeduke.

I'm not a normally cowardly woman, but I have common sense. I jumped up and hid behind Ares, yelling, "Who drew up the guest list for this shindig?"

Ares rolled his eyes and waved his hand. Hercules came to an abrupt halt. So abrupt that Iolaus, who was dragging back on his vest, was sling-shotted into him, knocking him forward. Hercules was literally knocked out of his boots, ending up sprawled on the floor with Iolaus on top of him.

They looked cute like that.

Ares scowled. "Damn. I have to be more specific. I went for 'stick boots' instead of 'stick feet' or simply 'freeze'." He glanced back at me. "You see? You've got me distracted. We have to get married so I can get back on an even keel."

Hercules had scrambled up. His brief trip to the floor and my vacating of the sofa had switched his focus. He extended his arms toward Joxer. "Sugar dumpling! I've come to rescue you."

Joxer jumped up and joined me behind Ares. "I don't need to be rescued, Herk, honestly I don't!"

Jett put himself between Joxer and Hercules. "Back off, Musclehead. Joxer doesn't swing that way."

"Ummm..." Joxer hummed.

Jett glanced back at him, mildly surprised. "Really?" He smirked at me. "Ya coulda fooled me a little while ago." Ares was looking back over his shoulder at Joxer, and his expression was speculative, and kind of pleased. Jett's smirk grew. "Anyway, I think he has better prospects."

Hercules started forward again, and Ares waved his hand again. This time Hercules' feet stuck. I looked at Joxer. "You know, I've seen the same effect at a movie theater during an evening show when they had a kiddie matinee earlier. Nassssty."

"Has everyone arrived?" Ares looked around impatiently, counting heads.

I pointed. "Couple of big ol' chairs empty up there."

"Zeus and Hera won't be here till the last minute," he assured me. "Hera usually because she's busy, Zeus to impress us that he's too important to cater to just any summons."

"And I'm supposed to want that for a father-in-law?"

"You'll learn to ignore him--we all have."

Hades stalked over. He nodded to Iolaus and Jett--he had dealings with both of them. Iolaus had been in and out of the Underworld so many times that Hades sometimes complained that he might as well just set up a doorway on the far side of the Styx, to save Charon the trouble of ferrying him. Jett... Well, death was Jett's profession and avocation.

"Ares, what in Tartarus is so important that I get such a peremptory summons? I have streams of souls waiting to be sorted. There was a nasty flood to the south, which brought out a mass of poisonous serpents, and poisoned the water in that region. I'm really going to have to talk with Zeus about not setting up the rains when he's mad at Hera."

"This concerns all of us, Uncle," said Ares shortly. "We're just waiting for Father and Mother to arrive." He indicated a pretty young woman with masses of brown hair who was hurrying toward them with a light, determined step. "Why don't you visit with Persephone till they get here."

Hades' usually grim expression lit up as he started for his wife. I called, "No wandering off for snuggles!" All the gods and goddesses, and mortals and demi-gods for that matter, around me stared at me. I crossed my arms. "Look, I want to get this over with. That means not having to pause to track down a couple that's snuck off for a quickie. Speaking of which, Strife, get your hand off Cupid's behind."

"Crap."

There was a flash of silver light, and Hera appeared on her throne. Her sharp eyes sought out Ares. "Well, War, I hope that this is important. I have a nice little dancer at one of my temples who is having her first child, and she's very nervous."

Ares gave a slight bow. "I wouldn't have bothered you if it wasn't, Lady."

"Well?" Ares silently indicated the empty throne beside her. She gave it a jaundiced look. "Oh, for..." She sighed, then counted silently, 'One... two... three... four... five...'

Flash!

Gold sparklies, and a rather stout man with less hair and more white beard than was strictly attractive appeared in the empty throne.

Hera gave him an acid smile. "My, you're even more tardy than usual. Feeling a bit insecure, are we?"

He gave her what I'm sure was meant to be an imperious look. It came out as more 'petulant two-year-old'. "Why have I been so hastily and crassly summoned?" Oo. I'll give him points for the voice--boom, rumble, roll.

Ares started toward the thrones. He paused and gestured for Joxer and I to accompany him. We both shook our heads. He sighed.

Flash!

We were all three standing right before the thrones. I promptly decorated the floor again. A groan went up around the Pantheon. Well, mostly groans. Strife was giggling so hard that he had to lean against Cupid, the snot.

I looked at Ares. "It's your own fault. You already saw how that affects me."

Hera didn't seem fazed. Being the Goddess of Childbirth, she was used to seeing mortal women in all sorts of sad conditions. Usually, as long as her husband wasn't interested in them, she had no problem with them. Since Zeus had just watched me upchuck, I didn't have to worry about that at the moment. She materialized another wet cloth and a goblet of wine in Ares' hands, and he used them--wiping my face, then steadying my hand so I could sip the wine. I was beginning to feel a bit less hostile toward him. A man wins points for being willing to take care of you when you're sick.

When I was once again as in control of myself as I could get, she said calmly, "Now, then. I suppose we can assume that whatever we are here for involves these mortals."

Zeus, who'd finally quit wrinkling his nose, decided he'd better take over the situation. "Explain now," he boomed. "What can be so grave that you call a general council?"

Ares seemed to gather himself. "I've had a prophecy from the Fates."

Another collective groan, this one much more heartfelt went up from the Pantheon. I could feel myself going pale. "What's wrong?" Joxer asked softly.

"I have a very bad feeling about this. Usually you can't get that kind of universal reaction from a group of people unless you mention..." I swallowed. "an IRS audit."

Joxer's eyes got round. "Torture?"

"Oh, yeah."

PART 12

I tapped my foot, looking around at the obviously uncomfortable group of divine and semi-divine beings. Only Jett and Jayce didn't seem to be too impressed. Figures. I think only Ares, Hades, or Phonos can really impress Jett, and Jayce... Um, Dite--maybe. "What is it with you people?" That got me a lot of stares. "I mean, come on. If every prophecy came true the world would have ended a few thousand times before it got to my time period, that is if the aliens didn't come and take us away first."

Ares sighed. "Scribe, the Fates are a little different from your Psychic Friends Hotline."

"How do you know about that?"

His eyes shifted. "I got bored while I was waiting around to contact you in the future, okay? And I wasn't all that impressed with them. They told me I had family problems." He snorted. "Big stretch. Who doesn't? Anyway, their pronouncements have to be taken seriously."

"Why?"

Silence. "They just do."

"No one can get away with using that argument with me except my mother. Her--I'll accept 'because I say so'." I gave Joxer a look. "Amazing how something that's slapped into your butt will get to your brain and lodge there." He nodded. I winced, and patted his cheek. "Sorry, sweetie. Anyway, do you have any examples of what happens when a prophecy is ignored?" There were mutters. Everyone was picking through their memory. When no one stepped forward to volunteer an answer I said, "Thought so. Y'all have all been too nervous to try and find out." I turned to Ares. "Take me home."

"Let me put it this way--a huge, drunken, naked barbarian, sporting an erection and a leer as he comes toward you, might not intend what you think he does, but do you really want to risk finding out, or do you run?"

"Point taken."

"Enough arguing," boomed Zeus.

I wiggled a finger in my ear. "Hey, Thunder--did anyone ever tell you that you could draw more attention with a whisper than a shout? Still, I suppose it would make sense to get down to the nitty-gritty." Silence. Stares. "Hey, a new record for me! I managed to confuse everyone in earshot. Let's find out what the Tartarus this is all about." I blinked, and looked at Joxer. "Did I just say 'Tartarus'?" He nodded. "Crap. This place is rubbing off on me. That's scary."

squeak!

That was a 'grabbed Joxer' squeak if I ever heard one. I turned around to smack Hercules, and was rather baffled to find him several yards away from Joxer, in some sort of heated debate with Iolaus. I looked at Joxer curiously. He was rubbing his butt, and staring at Ares with wondering eyes. Ares was studying his nails. Ares pinched Joxer's ass in the middle of all this chaos and all these relatives? Things were looking even more promising. "Let's hear what this so-called prediction was. I want to know what could possibly justify traveling several thousand miles and years to drag me back to this lunatic asylum."

"All right. The Fates told me that I had to bring my consort back from the future, from the land that was the greatest, and most prosperous of that age."

"Pretty non-specific, dude," I complained. "I'm a proud Texan, but even I can see room for interpretation there. Some people would have argued with you that you should have been cruising Tokyo. Can't you be a little more detailed?"

"I'll give it to you as best I remember it." Ares cleared his throat. "I..."

"Whoa." Judging from the looks I got, not many people dared to interrupt Ares. "'As best I remember it' does not cut it in this case. This concerns my life, now Joxer's life, and to hear you tell it, pretty much the Fate of Olympus, in capital letters. I, for one, want to hear it from the source." There were agreeing murmurs.

Ares did the eye-rolling bit again. "Very well. Herm..."

zip boom Flash!

I upchucked again. "I wish he wouldn't do that." Now I had Ares, Joxer, Jayce, and Jett all fussing over me. I was seated on the sofa again--let me repeat that--I did not sit--I was seated--as in someone picked me up and put me there. I was wiped, fanned, given a drink, petted, and in general fussed over worse than... I don't know. The closest I can come is the time my grandparents' elderly Chihuahua came down with a head cold. "Oh, geez, will you people calm down?! Even if I was pregnant it would only be by about two or three hours, and that's too damn soon for morning and motion sickness. I keep telling you, it's the abrupt arrivals and departures."

Jett wiggled his eyebrows. "Maybe you ate something that didn't agree with you?"

I smacked him, but not too hard. "That'd make your future considerably dimmer, wouldn't it? How long is this going to take?"

"It may be a minute or two," said Ares. "They'll probably need to tie some threads or something before they come."

"Yeah, well, point me toward the little goddesses room, will ya? I need a private moment or two."

Cupid pointed. "First door past the refreshment table."

"Refreshment table?"

"Hestia set it up the second she arrived. It's hard for her to go anywhere without feeding someone."

"Great. If I'm not back in time, just have someone bang on the door." I went. I pottied. I became even more convinced that I preferred tissues to cloths. The gods and goddesses were talking amongst themselves when I emerged, and I enjoyed the brief interval of not being the center of attention. I noticed that Ares was busy standing between Joxer and a still enamored Hercules. That looked promising. Dite was muttering over a scroll, occasionally shaking her hand so that pink sparks flew from her fingertips. I hoped sincerely that she was trying to reverse the whammy.

I was feeling pretty empty from my late tummy rebellion, so I scanned the table quickly, looking for something not to strange, and light--easy on the digestion. I was amazed and happy to see something familiar, something that I remembered with fond nostalgia from childhood instances of tummy trouble. It had been almost as prevalent as 7-Up. It didn't taste quite like I remembered it, but then, does anything when it's something you remember from your childhood? I scarfed a quick plate and immediately felt better. Much better. I strolled back to the group with a sense of well being that should have alerted me to something weird about to happen. Flashflashflashflash!

"Shit! Strobes! Disco lives!" I gasped.

Jayce patted my shoulder. "No, honey, eet's yust Hermees back with the Faytes. Hwhat ees thees Deesco, hany way? Is it like Deescord, or Dahok?"

"Some was discordant, and many people will tell you it is an invention of the devil himself, but neither." I eyed the three rather smug looking women--young, middle-aged, and cronish. "So, you're the interfering wenches who landed me on this vacation from heck. What gives?"

They grinned. "Welcome, Scribe," said the youngest.

"Writer of much excellent slash," said the middle-aged one.

"Creatress of the magnificent Clive," intoned the old one.

"Hubba hubba!" they chorused.

I blinked. "I'll be damned--the Fates are slash sluts." They nodded. "Tell me what the heck is going on or I never write another word.

Clotho shrugged. "Like you could ever keep that threat."

"Oooo, crap." "But we are here to make things as clear as we can," said Lachesis.

"Of course, you all know how clear that usually is," warned Atropos. The Pantheon groaned.

I pointed at Ares. "You sent Tall, Dark, Sexy, but Hard-headed to the future to snatch me back here?" They nodded. "I don't believe this. To be his consort?"

They exchanged looks. Clotho said, "Noooooot exactly."

"What?" Ares yelled. "Did you, or did you not, tell me I had to go to the future for my consort? That I would know the proper one when I found her? That I should bring her back, so that my destiny could be fulfilled, and the Twilight Averted?"

They were shaking their heads. "Kids," said Atropos. "They never listen closely."

Lachesis rolled her eyes. "They never follow instructions."

"What is going on here?" Ares snarled.

"I think they're telling you that they spoke in fine print, and you didn't bring your reading glasses," I said. "What--exactly--did you three say to him that set this mess off?"

They moved closer together, looking at each other. I swear to you that one of them silently counted out 'one, two, three...' before they started speaking together.

"The Twilight looms
and can be turned
by only one course
else is fair Olympus doomed."

"That doesn't rhyme," I whispered.

"Shhhhhh." Just about everyone.

"Well, it doesn't. And the meter sucks." Jett put his hand over my mouth. I bit him. He seemed to like it.

"I did better than this when I was in third grade. And I haven't heard anything yet to indicate why Ares felt compelled to take off and..." Strife put his hand over my mouth this time. I bit him, too, but he was wearing gloves, cuss him. Leather tastes nasty.

"Oh, so it's supposed to be free verse after all. It still doesn't work."

"Scribe..." Ares's voice was flat.

"Shutting up now."

The reason we have the slash thingies is that each Fate said something different right at the last. They all grimaced, and gave each other accusing looks. Clotho says, "I thought we agreed that..."

Atropos: "No, you agreed. I have always said that..."

Lachesis: "You're both wrong. I'm telling you that..."

Tweeeeeet! Strife had stuck two fingers in his mouth and gave a piercing whistle. That'll settle things down every time. "Ya mean ta tell me that you three prophetic broads can't agree on tha fuckin prediction?"

"On most of it," Atropos objected.

"It's just that last line," sighed Clotho.

"We all get something different on it," explained Lachesis.

"But that's alla it?" They nodded. "Which line didya feed Unc?"

"Uhhhhh..." Greek chorus time again.

"Do not fuckin tell me that ya don't remembah?"

"Well..."

"Are you sure that these women don't work in some capacity for the government?" I said sourly.

"If I had heard Mistress of the Web, I would have thought of Arachne," said Ares. "I wasn't about to marry a spider--not even to prevent the Twilight. I'd have found some other way."

"You know, by a stretch I could be said to be..." I trailed off when everyone looked at me. "Never mind."

Strife threw an arm around my shoulders. "Spill. I wouldn't wanna hafta get aftah ya, toots, but... Let's just say that you'd become intimately acquainted with various nasty smell causin situations."

I sighed. "Okay, there's this thing called the World Wide Web in my time--a sort of communication network. If you have a site that you run on it, you're called a webmaster if you're a guy, and a webmistress if you're a woman."

Strife squeezed. "Annnd?"

"And I have, um, somewhere around four--that I remember. There are probably a few I started, then forgot about."

"So, yer tha Mistress of the Web."

"I'm A Mistress of the Web, not the Mistress of the Web."

"Semantics, semantics. Yer on Olympus."

"And you've found your mate, and will soon take your rightful place," said Ares firmly. "All parts of the prophecy fulfilled. We get married, you have my baby, Twilight averted, Olympus saved, case closed."

"Wait, wait, wait, wait! You're supposed to marry someone meek and mild." I put my hands on my hips. "Well?"

Silence. Jett said, "She's got ya there."

"They may be talking about in comparison," said Ares stubbornly. "After all, compared to Eris, or Xena, or Gabrielle..."

"Hey!" yelled Gabby. "I resent that! I'm the most peaceful, pacifistic, unassuming..." her voice was rising to banshee levels. Jett grabbed her--Jayce used a scarf to gag her. Xena looked at the ceiling and whistled.

"Is there a written copy of that nonsense?" I said.

Hermes handed over a scroll. "Gotta keep records of official functions."

"Thanks. Let me sit down with this for a minute." I sat and began to read.

Zeus rumbled, "It seems perfectly clear to me. The mortal must marry Ares and bear his child. Simple enough. Any fool can understand that."

"I could comment, but I'd rather not have a lightning bolt hurled at my head," I said. "Will you people give me a minute? There's bound to be a loophole or overlooked meaning in this thing. I'll find it."

"And what makes you think you can when the gods of Olympus are satisfied?" sneered Zeus.

"Several dozen hours of upper level lit courses spent studying obscure meanings, and years of reading and interpreting service contracts. Now, let me think. I'm already seeing possibilities here."

I read. I thought like a college senior writing a term paper, and a trapped consumer trying to weasel out of a raw deal. Finally I said, "Ha."

"I'm glad you can laugh about this now," said Ares. "Are you going to wear white, even after that incident at the Temple of Love?"

"I'm not getting married, Ares. Not right away, and not to you anyway. I'm not your destined consort."

"But the prophecy..."

"Let's take this bit by bit, shall we? First verse, okay, no argument there. Just lays out the premise that the Twilight is imminent, and needs to be headed off. Second verse--You have to get married--clear enough. But please notice that no gender pronouns were used. They said you'd marry 'one' meek and mild. We've already agreed that I'm anything but, and 'one' could refer to anyone--of either gender."

Zeus said, "But they're talking marriage. Men and women get married." Flap! The gust of wind from Cupid's angry flap of wings blew Zeus's hair back. Strife looked like he was contemplating insuring that Zeus's next extramarital encounter was interrupted by a swarm of bees. "In--most cases. But she raises an interesting point."

"Yes," Ares protested. "But they said the one I wed would bear my child."

"Uh, hello?" I pointed at Strife, who immediately cradled his arms and made rocking motions. I pointed at Athena, and Zeus winced, rubbing his head. "Anyway, it didn't say anything about the consort doing the childbearing. It just said that thus would be birthed the saving child. How ya feel about motherhood?"

Ares turned a little pale. Strife clapped him on the shoulder. "Don't worry, Unc. The pain ain't all that much. Well, it don't seem like all that much, aftah you've been dead, like I have."

"Okay," I continued. "Third verse, and I think this is the one that proves my case. "To find your destined love you have to travel long and far, right?"

"Yes, and I have to say I had to really stretch to get to the place and time that felt right. Then I set up the identity, and initiated that fool contest, knowing that the one I needed would be lured to it."

"I'm not going to ask you how--it's obviously just a plot point. But Ares, it didn't say that I was your destined love. It said that someone would be brought back who would show you the way." I grinned. "I'm not the one."

Dite was concentrating really hard. You could almost see the candle pop into existence over her head. She gasped. "You mean that you're...?"

"Yep. Just call me Dolly Levi, people. I'm the matchmaker."

PART 13

Ares scowled--a new look for him. *much rolling of eyes* "I don't need anyone to fix me up."

Dite looked up from her scroll. "Hey!"

"C'mon, Dite. Look at your recent track record." Ares shoved Hercules as he tried to reach Joxer again. "Will you throw a bucket of water on that horndog? Wait!" Before anyone could do anything, Strife had materialized a bucket of water (quite cold, judging from the chips of ice) and dumped it over the hero. The next minute the two were in a mad chase that took them over the furniture--and some of the gods and goddesses, Strife laughing insanely the whole time.

Finally Heph and Iolaus managed to grab Hercules, while Cupid snagged Strife, muttering about not being able to take him anywhere. Joxer looked at Dite pleadingly. "Dite, would you please do something? You know how clumsy I am--I'm going to trip somewhere down the line, and..." Joxer blushed. "He... he's just not my type."

I leaned an elbow on his shoulder. "What is your type, hon?"

"Well... um..." His eyes flicked to Ares, and the blush approached strawberry levels. If it was possible, Ares looked even more arrogant.

Dite caught the look. She gave a smile that made Strife whistle in admiration. "I was trying to figure out something that wouldn't be too uncomfortable for Herc, but if you need fast and dirty... Stand back!" Heph and Iolaus, both of whom were more than a little acquainted with Dite's tactics, let go and leaped aside as Dite started to swing her arm in a 'wind up' gesture.

Hercules, voice rising in indignant alarm, said, "Wait a minute! I don't want to be cured. If loving him is wrong, I don't wanna be right!"

As the glittering ball of pink energy smacked him in the head, I muttered, "Either he's been sneaking in the Halls of Time, too, or the Muses are test driving a few things." Hercules flew back, hit the back of his knees against a low table, took out two Muses on the way down, and ended up half under a divan. That gave him a view up Artemis' toga, and she promptly bonked him somewhere sensitive with her bow. This seemed to call for a round of sniggering. The only ones who didn't join in were Hades (who, being the Lord of the Dead, felt that sniggering was beneath him (chilling laughter didn't seem to fit the occasion), and Ace (who felt that it would be wrong for the God of Healing to laugh at any sort of injury, no matter what expression Hercules made). Both of them suddenly had coughing fits, though.

Hercules managed to sit up, holding his crotch tenderly. "Oh, man, that smarts! Artie, you know good and well I wouldn't try to sneak a peek--we're related!"

"Prude!" yelled Strife.

Hercules, for once, ignored him, and looked around, expression becoming bewildered. "What the Tartarus is going on? Why are we on Olympus? Why did Dite paste me with a power ball?"

"Oo, oo!" Strife was bouncing up and down. "I get ta tell! Hey, Jerk, fah tha last coupla days ya been tryin ta get into Joxer's armor."

Hercules turned pale. "I would never do that! I never even imagined that," he got a distant look in his eyes. "Well, if you don't count that one time we all had to bathe at the river..." He wasn't quick enough to duck Iolaus' slap. He jumped up and followed the blond as he flounced out of the room. "Snugglepuss, wait! I wasn't myself. I plead temporary insanity!"

Ares snorted. "Temporary? Now that the comic relief is over, will you get on with your explanation, Scribe? We're honeymooning at the beach, and if we're going to have the reception and still time the consummations to happen at sunset, we'll have to hurry."

"You romantic fool, you," I drawled. "Okay, last verse. 'Known, yet not known.' This is someone you've known for some time, Ares, but you've never taken the time to really know them." She glared at Xena and Gabrielle. "If I may say so, no one has taken the time to know them."

Dite, who had figured this out long before her hard-headed brother, said, "Hey!"

"No offense meant, Dite, but you have to admit that even you didn't catch this till just a minute ago."

She sighed. "It's a fair cop."

"'Loving, yet not speaking.'" She looked at Joxer, and shook a finger at him. "To paraphrase Billy Joel, 'Tell him about it!'"

Joxer blushed even darker. He was standing close beside the God of War. Now he looked up shyly. "Ares?"

Ares looked down at him. "Joxer?"

Joxer took a deep breath. "You know that I worship you."

Ares nodded. "Of course. You're one of my most loyal followers."

"Well, I don't just worship you. I... I'm in luh-love with you." He tightened, eyes squeezed shut, ready to be blasted.

Ares blinked. "You are?" A tiny nod answered him. He poked Joxer, who flinched. "Sorry, just trying to get you to look at me." Joxer cracked one eye open, warily. "Joxer? I know you love me--you wouldn't serve me so faithfully if you didn't. But are you in love with me?"

Now Joxer opened his eyes fully, putting his hands on his hips. "Yes. I do know the difference. It's both--love, and in love."

"Oo, that's the very best kind!" Aphrodite cooed. "It's so hard to get most mortals to realize that." She cocked an eyebrow at Zeus, "Or some gods." He got very interested in a loose thread on his toga.

I threw up my hands in an 'I told you so' gesture. "There you have it. Joxer, the Mighty--the perfect consort for War. He's sweet, he's funny, he's got a nice bod, he's a great lover..." Ares shot me a 'look'. "Hey, I had mitigating circumstances, okay? He loves you inspite of your faults," Ares started to say something, but I talked over him, "and yes, you do have faults. I swear, all the thought you can put into planning a war, then when it comes to your personal love life, you're ready for grab-n-go." I stopped talking. Everyone was silent. She sighed heavily. "Well?"

"Joxer, wanna get hitched?" Ares asked.

"Okay."

Ares grabbed Joxer's hand and dragged him over to stand in front of Hera. "Mom?"

Hera blinked. "Son, this is a bit sudden. What we need is a proper engagement. It will take me at least a decade to plan the wedding and reception properly. We'll just feed Joxer a bit of golden apple so he stays nice and fresh, and..."

"Miz Hera-lady?" I said. "I really think you need something more along the lines of a Las Vegas quickie. Judging by the speed at which this shindig has been moving, there appears to be some urgency."

Hera said coldly. "You believe you know these things better than the Queen of the Gods?"

There was a sudden rumble and crash of thunder. It was bad enough to send Bliss squealing into Cupid's arms, cause Jayce to cling to Jett, and make even the adult divinities flinched. Atropos looked at Hera. "I'd listen to her if I were you, Toots." The rumbling continued, growing in intensity. Vases started falling off pedestals.

Hera raised her hand. "BythepowervestedinmeastheGoddessofMarriageIherebypronounceAres,GodofWarandJoxer,theMighty,mortal,joinedforalleternity." She drew a gasping breath. "Olympus, I present to you Ares, and his consort, Joxer--to be named to a godhood to be designated at a later date."

The rumbling stopped. Joxer blinked. "That's it? I was kinda hoping for flowers."

Ares grabbed him and kissed him, hard. "Persephone, can you arrange for a layer of rose petals on my bed back at the House of War?" Persephone giggled, nodding. "Thanks. I owe you one."

Flash!

Ares and Joxer were gone in a shower of red sparks. They had scarcely faded before Cupid and Aphrodite were both grinning like lunatics.

I sighed. "Well, that's settled. I'd like to go home now. Why are you Fates shaking your heads?"

"Scribe," said Apollo. "I'm sorta in charge of prophecies, so I can tell you this one. The full prophecy has to be considered."

"I went down it, line by line."

"You forgot the last line." He made a face. "Well, trio of last lines, since the ladies couldn't agree. 'When the Mistress of the Web comes to Olympus.'"

"I covered that. Web sites, and all."

"Okay, I'll give you that one. What about 'takes her rightful place'?"

"Heck, how should I know? Maybe after they finish the first round of boinking they'll want a more formal ceremony, and I can be bridesmaid... or groom's maid... or something."

"Nope. Sounds like a more official place to me--like a position."

"Well," said Jett, "She's been claiming Goddess of Smut."

"Absolutely not," huffed Zeus. "New godhood must be approved by a vote of the twelve, and finalized by myself, and I refuse to be forced into such a decision." "You tell 'em, Airguy. While y'all thrash this out, I'm still a little hungry. I think I'll hit the buffet again. I want to get there before all that yummy Jello salad is eaten."

Hestia looked confused. "Jell-what salad?"

"Jello. Say, what flavor did you use, anyway? It wasn't cherry, or strawberry, or watermelon. Do they have a fruit punch flavor out? Anyway, it was pink. And I liked the idea of putting apple in it instead of the regular fruit cocktail. Gave it a little texture."

Zeus was getting pale. He looked at Hestia. "You didn't."

She shrugged. "I was trying out a new concept I saw in the Halls of Time. There's a molded dessert called Jello, and you can mix in fruit, and I thought--hey, ambrosia has that sort of consistency. And I thought, while I'm at it, why not mix in some golden apple chunks? It'll be nutritious, tasty, and pretty. So..."

"But she ate apple and ambrosia! Do you know what that means?"

I was eating another plate of the concoction. I paused, a spoon halfway to my mouth, and said hopefully, "More than the recommended daily requirements of vitamins and nutrients?"

Jayce patted my shoulder. "Hit means, honey, that hyou are now not honly immortal, but a goddess."

I blinked. "Get out of town." He shook his head. I put down the plate. "I thought I was feeling too chipper for anyone who hadn't had caffeine for several days." I glared at Zeus. "Fix it."

"I can't," he said heavily. "It's irreversible."

"I refuse to believe this!" I stamped my foot angrily. A tiny flash leaped from where my foot contacted the floor. Jett just managed to jump out of the way, though he ended up with a scorch mark on his pants leg. "Oops. Sorry about that. I can't go home like this. I live in a double-wide--the danger of fire would be fantastic. Not to mention what kind of reaction I'd get from my Baptist Sunday School class if they found out I was a goddess, minor or not."

"Well, you're stuck," said Zeus, "and I'm really tired of this whole thing. I hereby declare Scribe to be the Goddess of Smut, er, Erotica, since she seems to think that she has some talent in that area. Apollo, you and the Muses see that she gets trained in her new duties. Find her a place to stay, make arrangements for a formal presentation to the mortals, get them started building her a few temples." He smiled at me. "Don't look so stricken, m'dear. It's nice work, if you can get it. You should be only moderately over worked, since there are fewer people out there trying their hand at erotica than there are trying to churn out epics or lyric poetry." He gave me a stern look. "I'll expect you to see to that." Zeus cleared his throat. "In fact, I'm sure I'll be able to, er, survey most of your initial efforts. Quality check, you know. Now, then," he took Hera's hand. She looked at him, surprised. He smiled. "You know how the thought of young love affects me." He wiggled his eyebrows. She giggled. They disappeared together.

I sat down with a thump on a little sofa, more than a little stunned by the turn of events. "I should have seen it coming," I muttered. "As many fanfictions as I've read... hell, written, I should have been looking for the 'twist' ending."

"Hey, don't be so glum, sweetie." Jayce sat beside me. "Let me help design hyour official symbol and robes. I have some stunning ideas."

"I bet you have. No pastels--I'll look like an Easter egg in pastels."

"A hwhat egg?"

"Oh, I forgot--anachronism. Never mind."

Jett sat down on my other side, slipping an arm around me. "I'll be available for any research you need to do into the darker, kinkier aspects of erotica. Can't have it all sweetness and fluff, you know."

Cupid and Aphrodite came over. Dite was bouncing. "Oh, this is so cool! We usually work with Erato. Now, she's a lovely girl, but a bit, um, delicatewhen it comes to expressions of physical love."

Strife grinned. "Translation--she does tha fade ta black when it comes time fah people ta bump nasties."

I winced. "Nothing higher than PG-13, huh?"

Strife wiggled his hand. "Maybe a little soft R, but nothin that'll kindle a pyre in yer pants, if ya know what I mean."

"Okay, I can understand working with Cupid and Dite, but you, Strife?"

cackles "Ya got any idea how much mischief a dirty scroll hidden undah a kids bed can stir up if Mom finds it? Why ya still lookin so downhearted, kid?"

"It's her family," said Cupid. "Don't worry--we'll feed them some sort of story about you falling in love with Greece and staying over. We'll arrange for you to send letters now and then, and maybe even make phone calls. Then, when you fall in love and get married, you'll have a legitimate excuse for being gone, and I'm sure Grandpa can be talked into letting you actually take a trip through the Halls of Time for visits back."

I relaxed a little. "That would work out nicely, except that I still doubt that I'll ever get married."

"Is there anything else that will make you feel at home?" Dite asked. "I'll do my best to help you get it." She smiled sweetly. "It's amazing how co-operative the old goat gets when his whoopee is threatened."

I thought hard about what might make me feel more at home. "There is one thing."

Epilogue

(Warning: Shift of viewpoint from first person to omniscient)

Several weeks later:

Scribe, dressed in a comfortable pair of loose fitting dark green trousers and a tunic of the same shade, walked into the study of her home on Olympus. Actually, it was a wing in Apollo's temple (it was finally agreed that the most appropriate lodging would be with the Muses) and froze. "Sandburg! That ink isn't dry yet!"

The reddish-brown, long haired kitten looked up with innocent blue eyes from where he was standing in the center of a carefully stretched and weighted scroll. He purred, sat, and began to lick fresh ink off his paws. Scribe sighed, picked the kitten up, and kissed it on the nose. Setting it down, she gently pushed it toward a large, sleek black kitten, which also had blue eyes. "Go play with Ellison."

The kitten scampered off, leaving black paw prints that the priestesses would patiently clean up--again. Scribe had tried to do it herself the first few times it happened, only to have the priests and priestesses (she only had a half dozen of each to start with) nearly have fits. They weren't about to let it get around Olympus that their goddess did her own chores.

After a lifetime of service jobs that usually included cleaning bathrooms and mopping floors, Scribe was having to adjust to a 'white collar' job. Her days were full, but she didn't do what she considered to be 'work'--no actual physical labor was involved.

Scribe examined the smudged scroll. "Damn. I don't want to have to re-copy this whole thing." She tilted her head. "It's not so bad. Hm, just this one place, really. Let's see... I spaced the lines widely, so I should be able to squeeze the smudged line underneath without making it look too forced. Then..."

She sat down, dipped a fresh quill into a pot of ink, and began doodling on the parchment. In a few moments she sat back and surveyed her work. Now, instead of a line of smudged writing, there was a center decoration of vines, leaves, and flowers. "Good thing this was a fluffy little 'let's have sex in the garden' instead of a dark 'welcome to my dungeon'."

A handsome young man in a wine red robe entered the room, trailed by a line of cats of all ages, sizes, and colors. He somehow managed not to trip, though the cats were jostling each other eagerly to get a sniff at his sandals. He stood before her and bowed. "My Lady Scribe."

She waved cheerfully at her Official High Priest. "Hi, Germanicus. How goes it?"

"Very well, m'lady. The first earthly temple dedicated to you will be ready to be blessed in three days." He smiled as he plucked a kitten (who was trying manfully to climb up to his shoulder) off his hip, setting it down gently. "Scintilla and Marcanus are overjoyed at having been given the positions as priest and priestess there, and anticipate a wide selection of acolytes. There have already been a dozen likely volunteers, and we aren't even open yet. I think that you can expect to have a thriving string of temples in no time at all." His smile widened. "You're already very popular."

She smiled in return. "Public taste is a funny thing." She pointed. "He's old enough to leave his mama now, isn't he?" Germanicus nodded. "Okay, little Tigertoes and a couple of his siblings will be the first official temple cats on Earth." She walked over to the man, carefully stepping around cats. "Say, Germanicus... I know that the cats like you..." There was now a forest of waving tails around the man. "But they seem a little more enthusiastic than usual."

"That would be the catnip. I helped Gaia with putting in that patch you asked for in the garden. I think the kitties find me rather, er, fragrant."

Scribe smiled at him flirtatiously. "Well, you always smell good." She leaned her head on his shoulder for a moment, then gave him a quick kiss. He blushed happily. This was a great part of being a goddess--given her godhood, she was expected to flirt with the staff, and they really seemed to like her. She didn't know it, but she'd already gotten a reputation around Olympus as a 'good boss'.

A shower of pink sparkles and white rose petals sent the cats scampering madly in all directions, leaping and whirling after the fascinating objects. Dite almost tripped on a little white cat that got tangled in her robes, but she took it in stride. Dite picked the cat out of the material and snuggled it. "Oh, isn't it precious! Scribe, can I have this one? It will go so well with the color scheme at my temple."

She went over and scratched the cat under the chin. "Whataya say, Blanche?" She purred. "She says you have to bring Bobo, her mate, too."

"What color is he?" Scribe gave her a pointed look. "You're right--love is more important than clashing."

"I'm glad to hear that, because Bobo is an orange marmalade tabby."

Her nose wrinkled. "Orange and pink." She shrugged. "Oh, well. They ought to make pretty kittens."

"Like creamsicles," she agreed.

"I'm glad I got Zeus to designate you as Goddess of Cats. You're doing a faboo job."

There was a knock at the door, and Scribe called, "C'mon in--we're as decent as you can expect around here."

Another priest came in, smiling when he saw her standing next to his fellow priest. He bowed. "Lady Scribe, there is a visitor who craves an audience."

"Who would that be?" She was curious. Apollo and the Muses had been running interference for her ever since she'd been appointed, giving her a chance to settle in before the flow of minor deities interested in scoping her out and deciding where she fit in the machinations started.

"Jett, King of Assassins."

Well, that was a surprise. She'd seen a good bit of Jayce, what with all the design consultations, and she'd seen a glowing Joxer when he came back from his honeymoon. She'd had a lot of fun teasing Joxer into blushes, but since she was viewing him as a younger brother these days, she felt entitled--and he seemed to enjoy it. Scribe had remarked to Aphrodite that Ares seemed a lot more laid back, too. Dite had remarked that getting laid by the right person usually had that effect. "Speaking of which, hon..."

Scribe had cut her off there. Her initiation into the joys of womanhood had been a little intense, not to mention head-spinning, so she was taking a celibacy break. "I'm not saying I won't ever, Dite. I'm just saying you keep the potions away, and tell Cupid to keep the arrows away, and I'll see if anything develops naturally. I mean, heck. I'm immortal now, right? It isn't like there's a big hurry."

Scribe said, "Sure, send him in."

The priests bowed and left the room. Dite poked her. "C'mon. Germanicus? He's cute!"

"Yes, he is. Dite, I went over four decades with nothing--then I got hit with the triplets. It was sort of like being on bread and water my entire life, then being pitched headfirst into an all-you-can-eat luxury buffet. Overload. Just give me a little while to get used to the idea of being active." She heard clicking-clocking sounds. It was distinctly different from the usual slap of sandals or thump of boots. "What's that?"

Jett stepped through the door. Scribe's jaw dropped. He was still wearing black leather--it was just that it consisted of chaps over tight blue jeans, and a vest. He was also wearing a black silk shirt, a black Stetson, a belt with a silver buckle the size of a saucer (proclaiming him a champion bare back rider, and she wasn't about to let him comment on that), and pointy toed cowboy boots. He was also carrying a large bunch of yellow roses. He came over to the two goddesses, still managing his smooth glide in the unfamiliar boots, tipped his Stetson, and drawled, "Howdy, ladies."

"Wha... wha... huh?" Scribe asked intelligently.

Dite, grinning, whispered in her ear. "Well, he knows you're from Texas, so he got Joxer to let him into the Halls of Time so he could do some research."

"What did he do? Watch every Hopalong Cassidy movie in existence?" He offered her the roses, and the sarcasm melted out of her voice. "Ooo." She took them, and buried her nose in them. "I haven't seen a yellow rose on Olympus before."

Jett smirked. "I owe Gaia two assassinations for those, but I don't think she'll collect. And this." He pulled a large, flat box from behind his back.

Again Scribe stared. "That is not what it looks like."

He cocked his head. "If it isn't, I'm going to have to go back and kick a store clerk's ass. She assured me that was a deluxe assortment of Godiva's finest."

Scribe squeaked, and looked at Dite. "Someone brought me candy and flowers!"

"Your followers will leave you tributes," she pointed out, but she didn't sound like she was trying to be convincing.

"I know. I mean, I've heard. But that will be for the Goddess of Erotica." She hugged the flowers and candy. "This is for me!" She peeked at Jett doubtfully over her armload. "Isn't it?"

Jett took the flowers and candy and handed them to Dite, "Goddess, could I trouble you to put these away somewhere?" He stepped up to Scribe and slipped an arm around her waist, taking her hand in his. "I have to warn you--I haven't mastered the two step, so it will have to be slow dancing." He pulled her closer, tucking her head down on his shoulder, and started swaying, crooning, "Lookin' for love in all the wrong places..."

Scribe leaned back, giving him a bewildered, but not displeased look. "Who are you, and what have you done with Jett?"

He smiled down at her. "Now that I have your attention. I do kind of like the clothes, but they won't work for my regular work. For you, though--"

"The jeans are nice." He jumped a little when her hands slid down to his ass, grabbed a double handful, and squeezed. He grinned. She smiled.

Dite quietly tiptoed out of the room, shrugging. Scribe couldn't accuse her of interfering. This had all been Jett's idea. She laid the candy and flowers on a table in the hall and headed for Hera's temple, murmuring happily, "Looks like she might get to throw a big wedding after all."

The End