Title: Mine's Better Than Yours! 2: The Second Annual Best Lover Pageant, or REVENGE!

Author: Scribe

Fandom: Xena/Hercules

Pairing: All Implied Ares/Joxer, Cupid/Strife, Xena/Gabrielle, Hercules/Iolaus, Eris/Autolycus

Sequel/Series: Sequel to Mine's Better Than Yours!

Archive: Sure, but tell me where.

Disclaimer: Don't own any of 'em. If I did, they'd all be hale, hearty, and humpin' like bunnies. No money gained.

Websites: http://www.angelfire.com/grrl/scribescribbles and http://www.angelfire.com/grrl/foxluver

Summary: It's the Second Annual Best Lover Pageant, and the former contestants figure turn-about is fair play. Most of their respective lovers are NOT amused. But Strife--hell, I don't even need to say it, do I? :)

Warnings: Y'all've read my stuff before, right? Silliness, and possible spew warning.

Notes: *scene setting, sound effects, stage business, and general comments* //thoughts//

Rating: R



Mine's Better Than Yours! 2: The Second Annual Best Lover Pageant, or REVENGE!
By Scribe


*It's Happy Hour at the Freebitch Tavern* *What makes this different from Happy Hour at any other tavern is that most of the drunks present are female--specifically Amazons, or other bad-ass femmes* *the few males in attendance are generally quiet, meek, and nervous* *this is very wise, considering the usual attitude of a drunk Amazon*

Xena: *bangs empty tankard on table* "Barboy!"

Barboy: *good looking guy wearing a loincloth and studded leather straps around wrists, biceps, throat, and (cough) possibly another barely hidden portion of his anatomy, hurries over* "Yes, ma'am, your Princesship?"

Xena: *shows him the empty mug* "What's wrong with this picture?"

Barboy: "It's not a pitcher--it's a tankard? " *hey, I said he was beautiful, not brainy*

Xena: *sighs* "I don't have to be crucified to be martyred. It's EMPTY, Sweetcheeks."

Barboy: "Eek!" *rushes away* *rushes back with jug of ale and begins filling tankard while babbling.* "I'msorrywe'reshorthandedIcouldn'tgetthekegopenItrippedoverthecatsomeoneliedtome\ andtoldmeyouhadplenty..."

Xena: "Breathe."

Barboy: *GAAAAAAAAASP*

Xena: "Better?"

Barboy: *small, breathy voice* "Yes, thank you."

Xena: "Good. Now, have you seen my girlfriend, Gabrielle this evening?"

Barboy: *frowns in concentration* "The blonde?" *Xena nods* "The one with blonde hair, wearing that itty-bitty tied on top?" *Xena grins and nods* "The one with the voice and attitude of a harpy in molting season?" *Xena stops grinning and reaches for her chakram* *hastily* *cough* "I mean the one with the delicate, musical voice and the winsome, gracious air?"

Xena: "Can you lay it on any thicker?"

Barboy: "Hand me a trowel. I saw her headed out the back door. She was carrying a scroll, so I assume she's going to the *ahem* 'facilities'."

Xena: "Hey! She'd never use one of her scrolls to wipe! I remember last year when Strife did that, and she had a fit the likes of which..."

Barboy: "I meant for reading material."

Xena: "Oh."

Barboy: "If I remember correctly, she had date-and-fig cake for lunch. She may be there for awhile."

Xena: "Okay. Just be sure to keep the ale coming. She's going to be reading one of her historic epics later, and I need to be good and pissed if I'm to make it through."

Barboy: "I'm glad you warned me. I'll send someone for another keg--we're likely to have a rush." *bustles off*

*Hercules and Iolaus enter* *there are immediate wolf whistles, cat calls, and obscene suggestions* *some of them involve what the crowd would like to see Herc and Iolaus do together* *it's fairly obvious that a number of AresJoxerCupidStrife listsibs must be lurking about* *Hercules blushes* *Iolaus winks, bows, and accepts phone numbers* *yes, someone should call the Cross Dimensional Anachronism Police* *they join Xena at her table*

Xena: "Hi, guys. What brings you here?"

Hercules: "A sudden, undeniable impulse."

Iolaus: "Translation: Scribe is bored with her works-in-progress, and was bitten by an aggressive plot bunny."

Xena: *anticipating, but apprehensive* "Ooo, this could be interesting--and you know that in Chin they curse you by wishing that you may live in interesting times." *she thumps her fist on the table* "BARBOY! Haul that fine ass!"

Barboy: *rushes over* "Already? Look, I'm terribly fond of my spleen and would rather keep it inside my body, but for your own good I must say that if you're going to chug it like that, maybe you should look into a twelve-step..." *spots sitting hunks* *eyelashes suddenly grow long enough for a Maybeline ad, and flutter* "Well, helloooo." *he's looking mainly at Iolaus* *Iolaus piously ignores his obvious interest* *snort* *I hope I don't go to Hell for lying like that* "How may I serve you--please? I make a fantastic Kahlua Cream Brownie Surprise."

Hercules: *surprised* "You have chocolate?"

Barboy: "Honey--we serve Amazons. Do you think we'd dare NOT TO have chocolate available for when the monthlies strike?"

Xena: "I'll be damned--not ALL men are idiots. They'll have the same as me."

Hercules: "I'd prefer mead."

Xena: "I'm buying."

Hercules: "Bring a pitcher."

Xena: "Gabby's going to recite later."

Iolaus: "Any chance of you rolling a keg over here?"

*There is an outraged shriek from outside* *Gabby rushes in*

Gabby: "THERE'S A MAN OUT IN THE FACILITIES!" *every Amazon in the place grabs a weapon and jumps up, snarling* "It's Strife..." *every Amazon in the place drops her weapon, sits back down, and tries to look busy* *some of them look up at the ceiling and whistle* "Cowards." *she stomps over to the table and sits down* "I'm going to kill him."

Iolaus: "Let's put aside Strife's whole 'been there, done that' bit about death, and the fact that you don't have any hind's blood. What was he doing out in the facilities?" *everyone stares at him* "Well, that would be the obvious reason, but with Strife..."

Gabby: "All I know is I'm sitting there, minding my own business..."

Xena: "Doing your business."

Gabby: "How much have you drunk? Minding my own business, when someone in the next stall..." *Interdimensional Anachronism Police are alerted for another violation* "...reaches under and snatches away the scroll I was reading. I knew who it was immediately."

Hercules: "If all you saw was a hand and arm, how could you know for sure?"

Gabby: "For one thing, NO ONE mortal has a reach that far--it had to be divine license. Either that, or he's made of that Silly Putty stuff Salmoneous is trying to market to help make scroll copies. Secondly, two words--black leather, and chrome."

Hercules: "That's three words. Actually, it's four, if you count the conjunction."

Gabby: "Shut up. Don't you talk to ME about grammar, Hercules!"

Hercules: "I wasn't. I think it was more a question of math, and..."

Iolaus: "Hercules? You're actually trying to argue with her? Didn't you learn anything from the time you had to clean the Aegean Stables?"

Hercules: "Don't deal with any more shit than you absolutely have to. Gotcha. Go on, Gabby."

Iolaus: *wince* "I didn't say encourage her."

Gabby: "IF I CAN CONTINUE."

Barboy: "I can't think of any way we can stop you." *death glare from Gabby and Xena* "And who'd WANT to? More, please. I'm salivating to know your final bit of proof."

Gabby: "He giggled."

Everyone in the Tavern: "Ooooh." *mass shudder*

*shower of blue sparkles* *Strife appears*

Strife: "Blabby, ya gotta start usin a softah grade of papah. Cupe won't like it if my tushy gets raw." *looks around at gaping audience* "As ya were--unless ya really WANNA find out what it's like ta have yer underwear fulla earthworms." *everyone looks away* "Mortals are so easy. Actually, it's a pretty interestin sensation. It's kinda like..."

Iolaus: "Strife? Please no?"

Strife: *pinches his cheek* "Only fah you."

Xena: "Strife, why are you here?" *Strife gives her a look* "I mean aside from tormenting Gabby--not that you seem to need any other reason."

Strife: "Ya got that right, toots. But I am here fah a reason." *Strife snaps his fingers, and a scroll appears in his hands* *he unrolls it and reads* "Be it known by decree of his Grand Horniness, King Zeus, that all eligible are hereby invited ta enter in the Second Annual Best Lovah Pageant."

Hercules: *groans* "Oh, my lord..."

Strife: "Callin on yer daddy won't help ya this time, Herc. It's partly his idea, an' he plans ta emcee this year. Pageant is ta take place at tha same place as tha last one, in one week's time, so ya have a little time fah primpin an' practicin. Once again gods, demi-gods, an' their mortal significant othahs are eligible. An' as he's sorta in charge of performances, Apollo asks that ya all take a little more effort with yer talent. Last year kinda gave him hives."

*Xena and Iolaus are smiling* *Hercules and Gabrielle both look like they just stepped in something brown, and it wasn't chocolate cake*

*Gabrielle and Hercules speak at once*

Gabby: "I refuse to allow myself again to be part of a public display that glorifies the objectification of..."

Hercules: "There's no way I'm going to make a spectacle of myself again, not even for the sponge trick, and..."

Strife: "Chill. You two ain't competein."

*blinks*

Xena: "Oh, WAIT a minute!"

Iolaus: "I agree!"

Strife: *giggle* "They ain't competein cause they ain't eligible. I fahgot tha last rule. Since this is gonna be an annual event, in tha interest of fair play, no one is allowed ta compete two years inna row." *gapes* "That's right." *Strife flicks a finger at Xena and Iolaus, then at himself* "It's our turn, an' before ya start squawkin--it's mandatory fah tha original couples, though we are open ta new ones." *Xena gets up* "Where ya goin, Zeen?"

Xena: *to Barboy* "Where do you get your ale?"

Barboy: "The brewer is just down the block."

*She starts to leave*

Hercules: "Xena, where are you going?"

Xena: "Vat swimming."

Iolaus: "This is going to be so cool! I'm going to need a new outfit--no, several new outfits. What do you think my talent should be, Herc?" *he smirks* "I can't demonstrate my OBVIOUSLY best talent if they're going to broadcast this again." *pats his hair* "I wonder if Jayce is available for make-up and hair styling? Maybe we should put together an entourage..."

Hercules: *gets up* *calls after Xena* "Wait--I'll join you."



Part Two

Several Hours After the End of the Last Section

*A frazzled looking man is arguing with the Barboy* *Gabrielle is nearby, sketching busily on a scroll* *it appears to be a, you should pardon the expression, 'fashion' design* *Beloved Author advises more sensitive or style conscious Cherished Readers not to look too closely* *Beloved Author seriously considers putting this in the header under WARNINGS*

Brewer: "One of you HAVE to come get Hercules and Xena."

Barboy: "Not me. They're not my responsibility."

Gabby: *distracted* "Don't look at me. The last time I tried to stop Xena when she was on a binge she managed to give me a wedgie--and I don't wear underwear."

Barboy: "Ew. Thank you for that. What the Tartarus am I supposed to do, now that Psyche is no longer Goddess of the Mind, and I can't pray to her to remove those mental images?"

Brewer: "They've ruined two vats of ale! Well, they DRANK one of them, but I can't sell any of the second because I think they peed in it."

Barboy: "What makes you think that?"

Brewer: "The goofy looks on their faces while they were swimming. Haven't you ever watched people swimming in a pond, or at the beach? They get 'that look' on their face, and you just KNOW." *Barboy thinks about it, then nods*

Gabrielle: *nods, not looking up* "I've learned to bathe upstream from her."

Brewer: "Besides, the ale temperature was warmer than it should have been.

Gabrielle: "Nothing quite as alarming as a sudden burst of warmth when you're bathing in a river."

Brewer: "What am I supposed to do with a vat of *cough* 'fortified' ale?"

Barboy: "Hold on to it till the next barbarian horde comes through, then hand it over when they demand your best wares in tribute. Think of the giggles you'll have watching them swill it down."

Brewer: *brightens* "Say... But I still need to get them out of my brewery. They're laying on the floor, singing bawdy songs, burping and farting."

Gabrielle: *finally looks up* "Oh, great--now she's bonded with him! How is she going to have a competitive edge if she's bonded with the patron of a rival?"

*Iolaus enters, staggering, since Hercules is sort of half-draped over him*

Iolaus: *panting* "By DAMN, you're solid, Herc!"

Hercules: *hic* "Coooome to me, my melancolic baaaaby..."

Beloved Author: *OMNISCIENT voice from above* *Scribe puts check mark next to notation reading 'Get SOME use out of six years of college* "That's the third violation. The Cross Dimensional Anachronism Police are bound to ask about this fiction, but I'll them the wrong dimensional address, and buy us some time. Hercules, that's 'melancOLY' babe."

Hercules: *hic* "But if it's a baby, dun't it make more sense if it's colic?"

Beloved Author: "Damn, he's drunk."

Iolaus: "Oh, and whose fault is that?"

Beloved Author: "Don't start."

Iolaus: "I'm getting a hernia, trying to lug him around. Please do something."

Beloved Author: "Since it's you asking."

*sound of wind chimes*

Iolaus: *looking interested* "Did his virginity just renew?"

Beloved Author: "Fat chance. No, with that you get the colored shimmer, too. I just drastically lowered his blood-alcohol level."

*Hercules is suddenly semi-sober*

Hercules: *winces, gripping head* "Ow. If you're going to make me sober, couldn't you have bypassed the hangover?"

Beloved Author: "Nah."

Iolaus: "It's one of those 'you must be prepared for the consequences of your actions' things, Herc. Right, BA?"

Beloved Author: "Uh..." *thinks of how much fun Herc-torture is* "Riiiight."

Hercules: "My sole consolation is that Xena drank at least as much as I did, and when you consider her smaller body mass..."

Beloved Author: "Herc, did someone make you take that 'Serving Alcohol' course? Are you going to start trying to take the cart reins away from drunk companions? I gotta warn you--I personally think that the number of lives that move saves may be offset by the number of well-intentioned reins-grabbers killed by pissed drunks."

Hercules: "Anyway, Xena should end up feeling like her head had a close encounter with an axe."

Xena: *swaggers in, swaying only slightly* "I couldn't finish that last vat. It tasted like pee."

Hercules: *hopeful tone* "Does your head hurt, Xena?" *Xena smirks* *Herc sighs* "Surely you're going to have SOME aftereffects. Maybe you need some coffee--black?"

Xena: "Bleh!"

Beloved Author: "What do you get when you feed black coffee to a drunk?"

Everyone: "What?"

Beloved Author: "An alert drunk. Just to be fair..." *more wind chimes*

Xena: *turns green* *leans quickly over bar* "Urk."

Barboy: "Oh, CHARMING! Figures she would have had the root vegetable stew for dinner."

Xena: "Urk."

Iolaus: "Damn."

Xena: "Urk."

Beloved Author: "Hey, don't blame me. Only that first one was mine. I guess it's just that it's sort of self-perpetuating."

Xena: "Urk."

Barboy: "We're going to start hitting innards any moment now."

Xena: *weakly* "I think I just became reacquainted with a mess of beets my mother made me eat when I was seven."

Hercules: *urp* *note: 'urk' is upchucking--as you may have deduced. 'urp' is merely the prelude* *swallows hard* *turns green* "Please stop talking about it. I'm just hanging onto the raw edge right now. One more reference and..."

*blue sparkles* *Strife appears*

Strife: "Salt pork an' raw oysters."

Hercules and Xena: "URK!"

Strife: *cackles* "I hadda, an' ya all know it." *disappears*

Iolaus: *sighs* "Well, we have a week. Maybe by then the smell will no longer linger. It could be worse."

Barboy: "Speak for yourself. I need to go find a shovel." *pinches nose* "And a clothespin."

Beloved Author: "Okay, try not to laugh in derision because I'm going to suggest this, but I don't think clothespins have been invented yet."

Strife: *appears again* "Allow me." *puts small squeezing device on Barboy's nose.*

Barboy: *goes cross-eyed trying to look at it* "What is that?"

Strife: "Nipple clamp, acourse." *pinches his ass* *Barboy starts to remove clamp* "That's been on Cupid, ya know." *Barboy decides not to remove clamp* "Thought so. See ya." *disappears again*

Iolaus: *grabs Hercules again* "C'mon. We'll go out back to the well and get you sluiced off. There ain't no way you're sharing my bed in this state, and if I leave you out in the hall, some barbarian is liable to come along and try to take advantage of you, and you know I can't sleep when you're tearing someone apart. They squeal so." *they stagger out*

Xena: *finally seems to have reached depletion* *sits at table weakly* "I hope I never go through anything like that again. Morning sickness was a gentle inconvenience compared to that."

Gabrielle: *eagerly* "Xena, I've been trying out designs for your formal wear costume! This is so exciting! I mean, I know I'm immensely creative in the literary arts, but I never dreamed I was so talented when it came to COUTURE." *Beloved Author puts second check on 'make those tuition fees count!' list* "Look!" *shows design to Xena*

Xena: "URK!" *design and Gabrielle are both now *cough* 'decorated'*

Gabrielle: "BARBOY!"

Barboy: "I'll wipe down the table when I get time, but you're cleaning yourself up, honey. They don't pay me enough."

END PART 2