Title: Cosmic Hiccups

Author: Scribe

Fandom: X:WP

Pairing: None, really

Feedback: poet77665@yahoo.com

Status: WIP

Sequel/Series:

Archive: Yes, but tell me where, so I can visit it.

Disclaimer: I did not create the characters here, I don't own them. I derive no profit from this effort. I mean nothing but respect for the creators, owners, and the actors and actresses who portray them.

Websites: http://www.angelfire.com/grrl/scribescribbles and http://www.angelfire.com/grrl/foxluver

Summary: Strife gets the hiccups. Bet you thought things couldn't get any more insane, huh?

Warnings: Rampant silliness

Notes: Strife and Cupid do not have Imp in this universe. Inspired by a recorded chat session posted to the AJCS list. Thanks Qsmistress and Janelle, for sharing your particular brand of
loopiness.

Rating: R

"Odd things happen occasionally in the universe. This was one of them."—Scribe

Cosmic Hiccups
By Scribe

"Tell me again what tha hell this is called an' why tha hell I should be givin up my weekend?"

Cupid sighed, straightening his kilt. He frowned down at the white linen, and it became brown leather. Much better. "It's a family reunion, and Hera, being the Goddess of Family, has decided that it's time for us all to bond, mend fences, lay to rest grudges, bury hatchets..."

Strife was sprawled on their rumpled bed. "Hate ta tell her this, Cupe, but tha hatchets will most likely be buried in someone's skull. I mean, we got enough grudges an' feuds in tha immediate family without her haulin in all tha distant relations." He sat up, shaking his head. "Everyone who has a drop of divine blood? Tartarus, Olympus is gonna be like a freakin' stirred up ant hill." He laid a hand on his chest. "I should know. I've stirred up enough of 'em."

Cupid came over and sat beside his husband. "Demi-gods, and even the ones with a quarter divinity I can understand, but mortals?" He sighed. "It all started with Mom bringing Joxer. She claims it's just so he wouldn't feel neglected, what with Xena being allowed to bring the bard with her."

Strife laughed. "Oh, c'mon! It is soooo obvious that she's tryin ta fix yer dad up with Jox. An' it's not like Ares isn't interested. He's just bein stubborn, cause he doesn't wanna think that he's been
set up by his sister."

Cupid didn't comment on this. Even though he was the Love God, he still got a little oogie thinking about his dad having sex. It wasn't the same with Mom because, well, she WAS the Goddess of Love, after all. But DAD... He continued, "Then since Mom got to invite a mortal, Apollo wanted to, and he brought Jayce, since he's one of his favorite performers. Then DAD had to get in on it, and he wanted Jett, since he's such a bad ass assassin."

"Well, that's kinda keepin it in tha family, I guess. They've gotta teensy bit of divine blood, about four or five generations back."

Cupid looked surprised. "Really? I hadn't heard that. I suppose Granddad DID get around a lot..." Strife was shaking his head. "No? Then who? Bacchus? He snagged a lot of mortals during his orgies."

"Um..." Strife was scratching at the sheet, not looking at him. "Actually, they're kinda mine."

"WHAT?!"

Strife winced. "Don't be like that, Cupe. It was, like, their great-great-greatsomethin grandma. I was young. I hadn't figured out what I wanted yet. It was WAY before we got tagetha."

Cupid sighed, rubbing his face. "I should have known there was some reason why those three's prayers always seemed to resonate a little more. Do they know this?"

Strife shrugged. "Nah, an' I didn't feel it was a good idea ta make it known. Ya know what their father was like. Can ya imagine what kind of a power trip he woulda gone on if he knew that he had someone with even a touch of divinity undah his thumb? I been kinda lookin aftah 'em. Didn'tcha evah wondah how Joxer managed ta survive this long? Why Jett always manages ta escape from whatevah prison they stick 'im in? Why Jayce hasn't been beaten ta death by a buncha Spartans?" He made a face. "I hate those assholes. They're so fuckin' intolerant of anyone tha least bit wispy, an' they're tha biggest buncha repressed closet cases I evah saw. 'Shield mates' my ass." He giggled. "An' theirs--a lot."

Cupid thought about it a minute, then dragged Strife in for a kiss. He was too confident in their love to worry about some brief fling Strife had had a century or so before they had gotten
together. "This won't be so bad, babe. It's going to be big enough and busy enough that you won't have to hang with anyone boring for long." Strife pouted. Cupid poked him. "You can get piss drunk in the middle of the day, and we'll fuck each other silly somewhere semi-private."

"We can do that every day, Cupe," Strife said archly. He studied his husband. "Yer actually lookin forward to this, aintcha?"

"It'll be nice to see some fresh faces around here, and I might be able to get some matchmaking done without having to run all over creation and really exert myself."

Strife gave him a smacking kiss. "I love ya when yer lazy. Awright, let's go get tha brat an' boogie."

They walked to Bliss's room and found the godling practically bouncing off the wall in excitement. There was a good chance that there'd be some children at the gathering. Bliss was currently the only child god on Olympus. The Pantheon, most of them, anyway, tried to make time to play with him, but, well... Being a god or goddess was a busy job, and when they had free time, most of them wanted to pursue other... pursuits. Or other gods and goddesses, or mortals. Bliss didn't complain much, but Strife knew that he was lonely sometime. Cupid hooked Bliss up onto one hip and they strolled out into Olympus proper.

Bliss stared around in wide-eyed delight, and truth be told, his daddies weren't much different. Olympus was usually a fairly quiet, peaceful place (most gods and goddesses kept their fracases inside their temples). Now the broad streets between the dwelling places of the gods were as packed as the largest marketplace in Athens of a high festival day.

There were stands offering all sorts of items to the crowd. The mostly mortal were babbling happily after having learned that there was no charge for anything. If it hadn't been created by the various gods, then the mortals who were offering it were hoping to inspire patronage, or have the gathering visitors spread word of their goods back in Greece. There were trinkets, toys, and clothing items of all kinds, each with some symbol to remind one of the momentous, first ever gathering. There were tents set up here and there where the guests could relax and refresh themselves with food and drink and, in the case of the closed tent sponsored by Aphrodite... other things.

Beings of a wide spectrum of divinity milled about, most of them complete strangers to Strife and Cupid. Strife nudged Cupid. "I had no idea we'd pitched our wild oats quite so far an' wide."

"That's for sure." A handsome winged centaur clopped past, talking to a wood nymph. "What the...?" He shook his head. "Granddad has had some strange bedfellows."

They came to a stand that was offering shirts and vest in finest Chin silk. Iolaus was watching Hercules trying to get a too-small vest to lace shut. "I don't know why you bother. You know you're just going to wear it open, anyway." He saw the approaching gods and smiled in welcome. "Hey! Love, Mischief, and Joy! How are you guys?"

"Doin good, Goldilocks," Strife said cheerfully. "Hiya, Herkimer."

Hercules frowned, but apparently didn't want to be drawn into anything at such a special occasion. "Strife, Cupid. Nice day for the gathering."

"Well, duh! We're gods, ya think we can't figure out tagethah how ta keep away tha rain?" He pointed upwards. Everyone looked up. There was a shimmer a couple of hundred feet overhead. "Everyone kicked in on tha energy fah tha shield."

Hercules, as he did when confronted with almost anything having to do with the Pantheon, frowned. "A shield? How do you expect anyone to get in and out?"

"We don't," Cupid tried to hang onto Bliss, who was crawling all over him in an effort to see everything. Iolaus raised an eyebrow, and Cupid shrugged. "Zeus is determined that no one is leaving till he's sure that there's been some serious bonding going on."

"What about stragglers?" asked Iolaus. "Hey, I know that some of you guys couldn't get somewhere on time unless ol' Thunderbutt laid a lightning bolt upside your asses."

"They just hafta stand at tha shield and try ta attract someone's attention, get 'em ta send word ta Zeus, then hope that tha old goat ain't too drunk, or in tha process of screwin somebody," Strife
explained. He didn't feel like he could play any really good pranks during the gathering (well, not without risking a stint of cleaning Apollo's stables and Cerebus's kennel in punishment), and he was starting to get bored. There was no point in talking to Hercules if he couldn't torment him. He tugged at Cupid's arm. "Hey, look! They've got an 'Adults Only' scroll stall!"

"Strife!" Cupid pointedly bounced Bliss.

"Damn!"

Iolaus held out his arms. "I'll watch him for a little while."

Cupid was thinking about it, even as Bliss leaned toward Iolaus, plump arms outstretched and baby wings flapping. "But we might lose each other in this crowd. I'm not sure even I would be able to focus on Bliss's energy signature in a mob like this."

"Look, if you're not back in a little while, Demeter is running a child watch tent over by her place. Some of the nymphs and Muses are helping her out. I think she even has a petting zoo set up." Cupid looked doubtful. Strife stroked his ass, and he handed Bliss over.

Hercules, Iolaus, and Bliss wandered around, seeing the sights, remarking on the visitors, and stuffing themselves. Bliss tried to explain some of the snacks Strife had brought back from the Halls of Time. Hercules looked a little green about corn dogs, but Iolaus seemed really interested in nachos.

They bumped into Xena, Gabrielle, and Joxer. Xena and Gabrielle were armed as usual, but Joxer had forgone his usual claptrap armor and was dressed in simple pants and a tunic. Iolaus couldn't help but notice that the wannabe warrior actually had a kind of goofy handsomeness.

Greetings were exchanged. Hercules said, "I expected to see you, Xena, but how did you get them to let Gabby and Joxer in?"

Xena shrugged, "Janus tried to bar them when we came in, but Gabby insisted that there had been no restrictions on bringing a date, so he allowed her." She looked puzzled. "He just sort of smiled at Joxer, checked something off on a scroll, and waved us in." Everyone looked at Joxer.

He shrugged. "Why should I understand this any more than anything else?" He looked around. His voice was almost shy as he said, "Is, um, Ares anywhere around?"

Hercules, Xena, and Gabrielle gave almost identical scowls. Iolaus smiled, and Bliss giggled. "I'm sure he's around here somewhere, Jox," Iolaus assured him. "Zeus isn't likely to let a major deity escape a family duty like this. Although..." he looked around, "Hades doesn't seem to be here."

At their questioning looks, he shrugged. "I've spent so much time in his domain that I've kinda developed a sense for underworldly beings."

Apollo, a wood nymph on one arm and a Muse on the other, was strolling past. He paused and drawled, "Uncle H. is late, as usual. He'll be along, but probably not till he sorts out the latest crop." He moved on, telling the giggling women, "Yes, as I was saying, while I'm not officially connected with plants, where would they be without the sun, right? I'm very fond of them. I've got a few little pocket gardens around Olympus with some of the prettiest flowers you've ever seen outside Gaia's valley. Have you two ever done it on a bed of flower petals?"

"Well, well, well." The voice was dark and sardonic. Everyone turned to find a tall, dark, bearded man standing nearby. He crossed his arms casually, muscles flexing smoothly under the open vest. "I must say I'm surprised, Xena, Hercules. You two have never been overly concerned with these family shindigs."

The ill will radiating off three of the other five adults was so palpable that the more sensitive in the crowd looked around, then began edging away. Hercules (probably unconsciously) imitated his elder brother's stance. He might have been bigger, but somehow he wasn't as impressive. "I don't know about everyone else, but I look upon this as a chance to keep an eye on whatever machinations you people are up to."

Gabrielle nodded vigorously. When Xena just stood there, she poked her. Xena sighed, "Actually, I'm kinda hoping to get some of Demeter's fish fricassee. No one does it like her."

"You are OBSESSED!" Gabby hissed.

"Hey, I'm not the one who started pouting when she found out that the poetry stall didn't carry any of her scrolls."

"Fine," said Ares. "It isn't like I thought you two would actually show any familial attachments."

"What do you want, Ares?" Gabriella asked aggressively, taking her staff in both hands. It wasn't exactly a battle-ready stance--more of an 'I'd better act like I mean business' pre-battle stance.

"Untwist your panties, Blondie. I'm just having a good time today. I thought I'd invite some of my followers to have a friendly drink."

Xena stood straighter. "I've told you a hundred times--I no longer follow you, I never will again."

Ares looked bored. "Actually it's more like a thousand times you've told me that, and I don't think I've actually ASKED you more than twenty or twenty-five times. I didn't mean YOU." He looked at Joxer. "Care to go lift a few, Joxer?"

Joxer's mouth dropped open. Bliss giggled again, flapping his wings. Iolaus poked Joxer, whispering, "Answer, Jox. Sure, he can read your mind, but it isn't polite to make him, and do you REALLY want him wandering around in there right now?"

Joxer closed his mouth with an almost audible snap, a red tide sweeping up his face. He tried for nonchalant, and managed a squeak, "I'm a little dry. I could use a little one."

Ares moved in close, right into his personal space, smiling down at him. "How about a BIG one?"

Joxer blinked rapidly, then whispered, "Yeah, sounds good."

"Dwink!" said Bliss.

"Sure," said Iolaus. "I see a nectar stand right over there."

"Dwink wi' Granpa!"

Ares sighed. Iolaus said, "Um, kiddo, I think your grandpa is going to be kind of busy for..."

"DWINK WI' GRANPA!"

Everyone around them winced. "Dang!" Joxer wiggled a finger in his ear.

Gabrielle was clutching her forehead. "Are you sure that kid isn't part harpy?"

Everyone cringed, looking toward Ares. He just said, "I'd think YOU'D know. And considering who his mother is, I wouldn't entirely rule it out, but Cupid's influence would overwhelm it, anyway." He reached over and tousled Bliss's curls. "Sure, you can come, Bliss. Iolaus will bring you," Ares gave Iolaus a very meaningful look. "And after you have your drink, he'll take you to see Demeter's petting zoo."

Iolaus nodded. "He sure will."

"Good." Ares looped an arm around Joxer and led him away, Iolaus and Bliss in tow. Joxer had a stunned, happy expression that is usually managed only by femgeeks when the captain of the football team asks them to sit with him at the 'cool kids' table.

There was a nice, open refreshment tent set up next to the screened pavilion where Aphrodite was overseeing another sort of refreshment. Hephastus was sitting at a small table close to the entrance, probably waiting for his wife to take a break. There were several empty goblets in front of him, and Iolaus sincerely hoped that he'd sober up before he went back to the forge and started getting creative.

Ares nodded to a few acquaintances, but led them to a table in the corner. He edged Joxer down onto a bench and sat beside him, leaving the opposite bench to Iolaus and Bliss. He waved one of the waitresses over and ordered, "Two of Dionysus's finest, and two fruit juices." Iolaus opened his mouth, and the god said pointedly, "Does my grandson's babysitter want to say something?"

Iolaus shrugged. "Can I have cherry-peach?"

Bliss slapped the table. "An' cookies!"

Iolaus slapped the table, too. "Yeah, and cookies."

As he sipped and munched, Iolaus listened to the various sounds (groans, moans, whimpers, whines, grunts, and pleas) coming from the pavilion, and decided that they most DEFINITELY were not the result of torture. Joxer kept blinking, but Bliss and Ares didn't seem to notice the sounds. Must not be all that unusual on Olympus.

The drinks came, and Iolaus started sharing the cookies with Bliss. Bliss rambled on, telling him about the war dog puppies Ares had shown him, and the very large green beetle he'd found in
Grea'Gran'Ma's garden, and how she was so please that she gave him one of her peacock's feathers, and he had it over his bed now.

Iolaus nodded and made an occasional remark, but mostly he was watching Ares chat up his friend Joxer. By the time there were three empty goblets in front of them, Ares was plastered up against the wannabe warrior's side, his arm around him, telling him about some of the more exotic talents of various camp followers. Joxer seemed to have taken on a permanent rose complexion. He wasn't snuggling, but he wasn't trying to get away, either.

There was an earsplitting shriek from the pavilion. It trailed off into a string of maniacal giggles. Strife burst from the pavilion, wearing only about half his leather pants and an assortment of body
jewelry. Cupid was in hot pursuit, arms outstretched and a smile on his face just as crazy as any Strife had ever managed. "Come back here, you!" he bellowed. Strife dashed into the tent and started darting between tables, using them as blockades between him and his obviously randy husband. "You know damn good and well that when I said 'blow' I meant 'suck'."

"Semantics, semantics!" Strife gasped. "Ya gotta learn ta be specific."

"I'll give you specific!" Cupid launched himself. Strife squealed and backpedaled, but Cupid was over the blocking table with one big flap of his wings, and he tackled Strife, bearing the Mischief god to the rug that had been spread under the tent.

He straddled Strife, pinning him to the ground with one big hand on the slender god's chest. He brandished his hand high. "Beg for mercy!"

Iolaus noticed that Cupid was clutching what looked like several of his own feathers. Strife stuck his tongue out at Cupid. "You asked for it." He started stroking the feathers over Strife's bare torso.

The result was immediate giggles. "Stop it, Cupe!" Cupid kept tickling. "Stoppit, stoppit, stoppit!" Cupid kept it up. Strife was gasping now. "Dammit, I'm gonna be sick, or wet my drawers."

"Say uncle."

Strife spotted the group and called pleadingly, "Ares!"

"That isn't what he meant, and you know it," replied Ares, rubbing
Joxer's arm.

"Won't surrender, huh? This calls for more drastic measures." Cupid tossed the feathers, then curled his fingers and dug them into Strife's ribs. The giggles rose to howls. "Give it up!"

"Cupe!"

"Who's your daddy?"

Bliss looked at Iolaus, confused. "I thought nobody knew?" Iolaus tried not to choke.

Cupid had reached up under Strife's armpits, tickling ferociously, "Ooh, Tartarus!" Strife moaned. "Please!"

"Nah. Tickletickletickle."

The giggles, instead of getting weaker, seemed to be rising in intensity. "I mean it! Somethins gonna happen, an' it prob'ly won't be pretty."

"Threats! More punishment! Tickletickle!"

Ares looked at Joxer. "You know, tickling is a much neglected form of torture."

Strife screamed, "I AIN'T GONNA BE RESPONSIBLE!"

"TICKLE!"

The laughter rose into a crescendo, and...

*hic*

The candles that had been placed on all the tables in anticipation of evening suddenly lit. That hardly got a flicker of interest from the gods in the tent, but Iolaus blinked at it.

More laughter.

*hic*

The candles all snuffed out in the same instance. The smoke that rose from them was pink, and smelled of something that wouldn't be recognizable for several dozen centuries. Modern mortals would have identified it as Chanel No.5. Iolaus said, "Uh, Ares? The candles?"

Ares waved negligently. "Dite's idea."

"Are you sure?"

"Pink, perfumed smoke? Who else could it be?"

*hic*

Bliss's feathers were suddenly a mixture of ebony black and bright orange. "I dunno," said Iolaus, "but I have a bad feeling about this.

Part Two

Bliss paused with a cookie halfway to his mouth, and it TOOK a bit to get him that startled. He carefully stretched his wings out as far as they would go, caught the tip, and bent one till he could get a fair look at it. He touched the brightly colored feathers, then turned a wondering look on Iolaus. "Wha' happen?"

Iolaus stared. "I have no idea, kiddo, but I can't say I like it."

Bliss examined his wing again, and nodded decisively. "I do."

*hic*

There was a waitress walking past with a tray full of fruit. The string broke on her halter top, showing her *ahem* attributes to the world. There were immediate shouts, whistles, and claps. Iolaus got distracted from Bliss's new color scheme. She screamed and grabbed for her bosom. Consequently grapes, figs, dates, bananas and strawberries flew everywhich way. Bliss picked a grape out of his hair and ate it. At his age, fruit was a lot more interesting than bare boobies.

The topless woman, clutching herself, looked around frantically for some sort of cover, then ran into Aphrodite's pavilion. Ares shook his head. "She should have known better..." There was a louder scream, and she ran right back out with a half dozen naked and semi-naked men, and one very interested satyr, in pursuit. As they disappeared into the crowd, Ares finished his sentance, "than that. The ol' family reunion is starting to liven up."

Joxer was still staring down at Cupid and Strife. Cupid had stopped tickling Strife, but he still had him pinned down, and was now licking the pale man's neck, causing even more giggles. "Give you
any ideas?"

"Oh. Uh..." Joxer's blush was rising again. He was kind of trying to lean away from Ares, but not trying too hard.

*hic*

Suddenly a grin that could only be described as lascivious spread over Joxer's face. He suddenly moved, shoving at Ares. The surprised God ended up sprawled, half-lying on the bench with Joxer sort of on top of him. "Oh, I don't really need anyone to give me ideas, hot stuff!" He rubbed against him. "I've got plenty of ideas of my own."

Iolaus's attention was distracted from the thought of bouncing boobs by Joxer's sudden change of demeanor. He knew that the would-be warrior liked to think of himself as irresistable, and he'd been known to try to chat up various tavern wenches and village maidens, but as far as Iolaus knew he'd confined his wooing to women, and he'd never actually been AGGRESSIVE. Now... *Gah, trying to put the moves on ARES? What's wrong with him, and will Hades let him go?* Joxer was groping Ares's butt. Iolaus winced. *Will there be anything left to send back?*

Ares was frowning. Not really like he was pissed off, but more puzzled. "Joxer, this isn't like you at all." He smiled slowly, "Why, you're..."

*hic*

Ares eyes suddenly flew wide open, and his expression was a mixture of fascination and horror. "You're SCARING me!" He shoved. Well, he WAS a god. Joxer sort of levitated and landed about six feet away.

Joxer sat up, shaking his head. He grinned, and his expression was so feral that the family resemblence to his brother Jett was even more remarkable. His voice was gritty. "Oooo, I LIKE 'em big and sassy!" He got up and started stalking toward Ares. "Come here, buttercup."

Ares jumped up. His voice was as high pitched as it was possible for someone with his masculine vocal cords to get. "You stay away from me, you brute!"

Hercules, Gabrielle, and Xena arrived. Gabrielle was saying, "Is that naked procession some sort of god thing?"

Joxer was still stalking Ares, who was hiding behind a table. "Don't be like that, cupcake. I just wanna make you feel reeeeeal good."

"Leave me alone!"

Joxer laughed. "And I love it when they play hard to get." He grabbed at Ares.

Ares squealed and dashed over, throwing himself behind a very startled Hercules. Hercules growled, "What the Tartarus do you think you're DOING?"

Ares slapped him on the shoulder. "You're supposed to be a hero, aren't you? Well, act like one! Protect me from that randy beast!"

The three heros blinked at Ares, then at the slowly approaching warrior. They chorused, "Joxer?!"

Joxer gave a pelvic thrust that was worthy of the Time Warp. "Joxer THE MIGHTY. Now, if you'll just hand over my bitch, I'll prove it to him."

Xena gaped. Gabrielle looked, then reached over and closed her mouth by pushing her chin up. "Joxer, are you SUICIDAL? Calling Ares a BITCH?" She thought a second, then giggled.

Ares stamped his foot. "I am NOT a bitch! I've never... never... what HE wants."

"Well, then, it's about time, honeybun! You're too damn fine to be allowed to go to waste."

Hercules folded his arms and scowled. "Okay, this is very, very weird, but Ares is obviously scared, and Joxer, you're acting like an oversex, male chauvinist pig..."

Joxer bowed. "Thank you."

"...so I can't allow you to harass..."

*hic*

Hercules trailed off, looking blank. Then he looked down at himself, put his hands on his hips, and said in a voice that was almost as light as the one Ares had started using, "Ew! How did I get in such a grody ensemble. I mean, slacks are bad enough, but they aren't even PINK!"

Cupid's head popped up from behind a table, and he looked around curiously, "Mom?"

Hercules waved. "No problem, sweetie. You just keep having fun with Strife. I'll take care of this." Hercules waved his hand, a little limp wristed. Of course, nothing happened. He frowned. "What?" He tried again. The frown became a pout. "WHAT is going on, here?"

"I don't know," Joxer said, "But if you're not using that piece of tail behind you, can I have him?"

"Hm?" Hercules glanced back at Ares, then at Joxer, and smiled. "Oh, right! So you two finally decided to catch the clue bus! Good for you. Have fun." He walked away from the hyperventilating God of War. "I'll just have to go find some decent clothes and do it the hard way, I suppose."

Joxer held out his arms to Ares. "Come to Daddy!"

Ares screamed, whirled around, and ran. Joxer loped off in hot pursuit. Anyone from the future who'd watched Warner Brothers cartoons would have recognized a Pepe LePew moment. Joxer was yelling, "I love you when you're coy!"

Xena, Gabrielle, and Iolaus were all staring at each other. Xena finally managed coherant thought, "What the fuck is going on?"

"I don't know," said Iolaus, confused. "We were just sitting there, haveing a snack, and suddenly all Tartarus broke loose."

Gabrielle sniffed. "Well, I can't say I'm surprised. I've always said that the gods were crazy."

Iolause protested, "Yeah, but that was JOXER chasing ARES."

Xena scratched her chin. "True, I never thought he was too tightly wrapped, escpecially considering Jayce and Jett, but I didn't think he was an actual lunatic."

Hephastus had wandered over. "You know how crazy family reunions can get, kids." Je reached down and ruffled Bliss's curls. "Hi, little one. Maybe you ought to go over to Demeter's place now. Things are getting... interesting." He glanced at Iolause. "I'll take him," he offered. Iolaus figured he wouldn't get in trouble with Cupid for handing Bliss over to his defacto grandfather, so he nodded. Hephastus took Bliss's hands. "Come on, Bliss. Persephone has a butterfly zoo you'll like. It's a big glass case full of green and blue and orange and purple..." His voice trailed off as he led Bliss away.

Xena said, "Maybe he's right. Maybe it's just garden variety nuttiness."

*hic*

A slimy shower of perch, trout, koi, bass, angelfish, and catfish cascaded down on her. She squealed (yes, Xena SQUEALED) as a tiny, bright orange koi slid down her cleavage. That wasn't as bad as the massive tuna that knocked her off her feet. Gabrielle reached down to help her up and jumped back, yelping and trying to shake a pirahna off her finger. Xena sat up, spitting scales. "Okay, I take that back. This is DEFINITELY not just interfamily weirdness."

Water nymphs ran over and began scooping the flopping fish into pails and basins, racing them to a nearby fountain. Iolaus shook his head. "This is getting out of hand. Maybe we should postpone the rest of this shindig till we can figure out what's going on."

"Zeus will have to let down the shield, or we aren't going anywhere," said Xena, trying to fish the fish out of her bustier. "There's no telling where he is."

"He usually shows up if Hercules calls him," said Gabrielle. "He ducked into the Love Pavilion." The went toward it.

*hic*

It was pretty empty inside--just a few couples and triples making out in the corners. Since it eas enchantd, it was a lot bigger on the inside than it was on the outside, and they didn't want to go wandering around in the inner sections. Some beings got very nasty when their nooky was interupted. "We need to find Dite and see if she's seen Herc," said Xena. "Let's ask that old hag over there."

The old hag in question was huddled in a chair against the wall, kind of curved in on herself, as if trying to avoid attention. Her hair was a limp mass which she kept pulling over her face. She was dressed in baggy, outsized clothes that... Iolaus blinked. "Those look a lot like Herk's clothes. But why would that old dame be wearing them?"

She was muttering to herself as they approached. "The question is, is it a spell, or have I always been this skanky and just didn't notice it? It must be a spell. I couldn't have been going downhill long enough to get to this state without someone saying something. Oh, no! They've just been being kind! I've been getting fat and wrinkled and plain and... and... NOT ME, and they just haven't TOLD me!"

The other three blinked. Gabrielle said, "Aphrodite?"

Bright blue eyes (for once completely unadorned by mascara, liner, or shadow, peeked between the hair strands. "Shhhh!" hissed Aphrodite. "Gods, I don't want anyone to see me like this!"

"Like what?" Iolaus peered at her. "You're still you. I mean, once you get past the no makeup, bird's nest hair, and baggy guy's clothes. Are those Hercules's, by the way?"

She nodded. "I suddenly realized how hidiously blubbery I'd become, and I couldn't run around in that see-through hankie thing. He seemed to want it, so we exchanged clothes."

"What the Tartarus would Herk want with Dite's gown?" asked Xena, confused.

They heard someone who was obviously a baritone trying to sing soprano. "I took my troubles down to Madame Ruuuth. You know that gypsy with the gold capped toooth. She got a shop at 34th and Vine, sellin' little bottles oooof, Love Potion Number Niiiine..." The figure that entered from the back section of the pavilion paused in the doorway, posing coyly, and giggled, "Amature!" There was a muffled thump as three jaws hit the floor. After they collected them, the just stared. It was Hercules, all right, and there had definitely been a change of image.

He was dressed in one of Dite's 'blink, yeah, she IS wearing clothing--of a sort' dresses. His hair had been teased and lacquered into a poof of ringlets, laced with tiny flowers. Perhaps the scariest thing was the makeup. It was a little showy, but perfectly applied. How the Tartarus had Hercules ever learned to contour with rouge to emphasize his cheekbones?

He minced toward them, beaming. "How's one of my closest couples and one of my best little studmuffins?" he cooed.

"Uh, Herk?" stuttered Iolaus. Hercules giggled. "Okay, THAT'S scary."

Herk pinched Iolaus's cheek. "You're such a tease, Goldie. My son and I need to see about setting you up with someone." When Iolaus blanched, Herk rolled his eyes, hand on hip, in an attitude that SCREAMED 'Love Goddess'. "Don't panic, sweetie. I don't mean, like, permanent. Something a little longer lasting than a dirty weekend, though. Look, I'd love to chat, but I really need to try to whip up a few potions, so I'll see you later, all right?" He bounced back toward the private rooms. They could tell because of the see-through dress that Hercules could bounce just as much as Aphrodite--just in different places.

Xena shook her head, obviously trying to remove mental images, and not having much luck. "Okay, looks like Hercules is out of commission. We'll have to try to find Zeus and get him to act ourselves. I think we should split up."

"Much as I hate to be by myself in this lunatic asylum, I think you're right," agreed Gabby as they exited the Pavilion.

Iolaus said, "I think we ought to enlist everyone we can." Apollo was walking toward them, smoothing his hair and straightening his toga. The muse and nymph were nowhere in sight, but he was already eyeing the serving wenches in the tent. "Hey, Apollo!" He received a disinterested look. "No, really, this is important."

The Sun God sighed heavily, looking around to be sure that everyone saw how martyred he was to good manners. He came up to them. "What is it, Curly?"

"Have you noticed that weird things are happening?"

*hic*

A short man dressed in a silver jumpsuit, with glasses and very bad teeth, wandered past, saying something about 'shagadelic'.

"I HAD noticed that, yes."

"We need to find Zeus and get him to lift the shield so we can thin this crowd out till we learn what's happening."

*hic*

Apollo was looking away, bored. Now his eyes fastened on something. They widened, then narrowed. He pointed. In the voice of an Arch Conservative from the sixties spotting Abbie Hoffman he hissed, "What is THAT?"

Gabrielle looked. "Uh, it's a sunflower, Apollo."

"A flower." Now his tone was that of Abbie Hoffman discussing Richard Nixon. "Disgusting. And what's that behind it?"

Gabby blinked. "It's a willow sapling." She smiled. "Isn't it beautiful? The branches are like verdant lace against the blue of the sky..."

"Bullshit." Before Xena could move (and she was FAST), Apollo had snatched her sword from her side. With one swipe he chopped down the willow, then proceeded to shred the sunflower with tiny, but vicious, swipes. He was muttering under his breath, "Nasty, dirty, sneaking, trecherous VEGETATION!"

They backed away slowly. "I don't get this," said Xena. "Sure, he's not an official plant god, but plants depend on his work, and he's always been very fond of them. What gives?"

Ares came running past. He was stripped to the waist and desperately holding his ripped pants up. He looked more excited than terrified, but he was shrieking, "Save me! He's an animal, I tell you, an animal!"

Joxer, wearing a grin and an... uh... Let's see, this is supposed to be R rated. Wearing a grin and physical proof of his present focus, loped past, calling, "Woof! Growl! Snarl! C'mon, baby, and I'll purr for you!"

Gabrielle blinked after them. "Whoa. That..." she swallowed. "That armor covers up a lot, doesn't it?" Xena slapped her upside the head.

*hic*

Gabrielle adjusted her halter top, scratched her crotch, and spit to the side, then drawled, "Tartarus, Zeen. Ya don't hafta get your knickers in a twist just because I looked." *ptui* "Say, do you suppose any of these stands carry chewing tobacco?"

*hic*

A chorus line of Spartan's danced past, high kicking, singing a show tune.

Iolaus shuddered. "Okay, Apollo got your sword, but you still have your chakram, right Xena?"

"Yeah." She patted it where it hung at her side. "And I noticed a bullwhip over at the sex toys stand."

"Good. Things are getting so wild that you might need to kick a little ass any time now."

*hic*

Xena's gas jet blue eyes suddenly softened to something more along the lines of cornflower. "But Iolaus, man, that is just SO negative."

"What?"

"You've got to let go of the anger, man, before it eats you up."

She held up her hand with the pointer and index fingers spread. Iolaus stared at it. "Bunny rabbits?"

"Peace, man, peace. Make love, not war."

At that moment Ares pounded past again. He was now down to a tablecloth wrapped around his middle, and he had a large, juicy hickey on his neck. Joxer paused, grinned at them and said, "I, for one, intend to make love AND war! Wait for baby, Hot Stuff!" he bellowed, and was gone again.

Gabrielle stared after them, shaking her head. She looked at Iolaus. "Ever had one of those experiences where you suddenly realize that you may have woefully underestimated someone?" She wandered toward the refreshment tent. "I wonder if they have beer and nachos?" *scratch* *ptui*

Xena followed. "I could use some ginseng tea and carob-bran cookies."

Iolaus groaned, following them toward the tent, hoping to get their minds back on track. "All here are mad save me and thee, and sometimes I wonder about thee."

*hic*

Iolaus blinked. Why was it suddenly so dark? Wait a minute, there was some sort of cloth or something over his head. Had someone thrown a bag over his head to kidnap him? And what was that fascinating smell? Mm. Musky and warm, and...

"HEY! Get yer head out from unda my husband's kilt!"

Iolaus jerked back, and there was suddenly light, and he found himself staring back at a highly amused Cupid and a highly pissed Strife. "Oh, shit!"

"Huntah, my ass!" Strife snarled. "Not even waitin fah an invitation! When I get done with ya you'll be a huntah, all right. You'll be huntin fah yer nuts all ovah..." *hic*

Cupid's kilt suddenly turned green, and he was wearing a bowler hat with a shamrock in it. He gasped, "Faith an' begorra, Strife! What dya think yer doin', me foin boyo?"

Iolaus looked at Strife, then raised his voice. "Guys? I think I know what the problem is."

Part Three

Notes: Cameo by the WB frog, Austin Powers was in the last section. Mare's sweat--that's from A Funny Thing Happened To Me on the Way to the Forum, and it was for a SLEEP potion, not a passion potion. Look for mention of a certain animated commercial figure.

Hoo, Boy!

Strife's eyes narrowed to pale blue slits, "Exactly whaddafuck dya mean by that?"

*hic*

A bullfrog, dressed in top hat and spats, carrying a cane, leaped out of a pitcher of wine and began to do a tap dance, singing 'Varsity Rag'. Considering that webbed feet aren't designed for tap, it wasn't as impressive as it could have been.

Strife's eyes flew wide open. "That nevah happened before. It's pretty cool, though. I gotta remembah it."

"You mean to tell us that you've never had the hiccups?" Gabrielle asked skeptically.

"No! Nothin like this has evah happened ta me."

Cupid nudged him. "If ye forgive me, darlin', there was that time when ye sneezed an' they had that snowstorm in August."

"Yah, I forgot that one, an' why tha Tartarus are ya talkin like that? I mean, it isn't like it ain't sexy, but it's kinda odd."

"EXCUSE ME!" Gabrielle said in a lofty, snotty voice. "But we have more important things to worry about than Cupid's bad stage Celtic accent." She rather ruined the effect by vigorously scratching her ass, then picking her teeth. Xena turned green. That was a little too natural for her, even in her present mellow state.

"Watch yer mouth, Blondie, or I'll tie yer tits in a Celtic knot," Strife snapped.

*hic*

"Why do I suddenly have a strange cravin' for pink hearts...?" Cupid mused.

"Um, fairly natural, given yer godhood, doll. As long as ya don't mean tha red, ripped outta someone's chest kind."

"No, darlin', but I'm also cravin' yellow stars, purple horseshoes, an' green clovers--little, squishy, sweet ones."

"Little, squishy, and sweet are not terms generally associated with horseshoes," said Iolaus. "Well, squishy, maybe, but not sweet."

"Look, it's pretty obvious that the hiccups are playing havoc with Strife's godhood. If we can stop them, then everything will go back to normal." Gabrielle looked around as a satyr chased a nymph past. "Well, as normal as it's possible to get around here."

*hic*

A fairy fluttered past. Suddenly Hephastus charged after it, waving a large butterfly net and yelling, "Butterfly! Pretty, pretty!"

Cupid called, "Heph! Where's me babby?"

Bliss trotted over, wide-eyed, pumpkin-and-licorice wings flapping. "Daddy Heph gots REAL excited lookin' at the butterflies, an' Auntie Demmie said she had too much trouble with all the lemmings tryin' to 'mit sue-side by jumpin' in the wading pool, so she telled me come an' see you."

Xena shook her head. "Oh, wow. Cosmic weirdness. Things are getting weirder by the nanosecond. Look, Iolaus seems to be the least affected by..."

*sniff*

"Iolaus, I'm a non-violent sort of person, but if you don't get your nose off my crotch I may be forced to take militant action upside your head."

Iolaus stood up, flushing. "Sorry. You smell like fish."

Xena started to unhook her chakra. Gabrielle grabbed her arm, "Look, toots, if your honor needs to be defended, I'll do it, but he was just referin' to that piscean shower you got a little while ago." She looked at Iolaus. "Right?"

His eyes shifted. "Sure." *sniff*

*hic*

"OUCH! Hey!" Iolaus rubbed his rump, looking down. "Sniffing I don't mind, kid, but don't chomp."

Bliss ducked his head. "Sowwy."

"I think we'd better split up," said Gabrielle, finger digging in her ear. She examined the finger, then wiped it on her halter.

"Mebbe I oughta go somewhere a little less populated," said Strife. He was watching a squadron of harpies that were flying low over the area. One of them was dragging a banner that said EAT AT PHONOKOPOLOUS'S. He noticed that Bliss had edged behind Gabby, and was eyeing her butt. He started to stand on tiptoes, teeth bared. Strife started to say something, then stopped, grinning.

A second later Gabby yelled, "OW! What the fuck?!" She whirled around, raising her stick, but Bliss had ducked behind a table. She ended up whapping a mercenary, who was wearing a lavender tutu.

Hercules minced over, carrying a suspiciously smoking bowl of blue goo. "Cupid, honey, help mother out here. Is it three ounces of dandelion fluff and ONE pubic hair, or ONE ounce of dandelion fluff and THREE pubic hairs for a passion potion? I'm just hoping that it's the first, 'cause I really hate having to pluck those short and curlies."

Cupid scratched his head. "For some rayson I'm thinkin' it involves a cup of mare's sweat, but that might be only when in Rome."

Hercules shuddered. "I'm NOT doing as the Romans do. Imagine, them setting up Venus as their Love Goddess. She is SUCH a tart! I'll try three and one." He flounced off.

Strife was shaking. "Oh, man! Cupe, I need help. All this shit that's goin down is feedin me MASSIVE energy, an' that stimulates my godhood, which in turn seems ta make me..." *hic*

Hera appeared in a fall of silver sparkles. Everyone stared. Granted, there was nothing unusual about a goddess appearing in a shower of sparks, but none of them were ever wearing an A-line skirt, a crisp blouse, high heeled pumps, and pearls. Hera looked at the chaos around her and blinked. "Oh, dear." She looked down at Bliss. "Beaver, what have you been up to?"

Strife fainted. Unfortunately, he didn't stop hiccupping. In fact, he *hic*ed three times in rapid succession. A striped giraffe ambled past. A very lost group of Trekkies wandered through, looking for the convention salesroom, and Salmoneus came up with the idea for fern bars.

Cupid scooped his unconscious husband up into his arms. "Apollo!"

Apollo looked up from where he was on his knees, carefully mutilating grass blades. "I'm busy! Make an appointment!"

"Shite! ACE!"

Asclepius appeared. "What's going on? I was having a peaceful goblet of fruit punch when some little guy in a loud shirt came up, said something that sounded like 'huhwaian', and punched me. They'll be scraping him off the ceiling sometime soon."

"Strife has t' bloody haycups, an' Olympus is goin' tits up if we don't foind some way ta stop it."

Ace blinked rapidly. "Ooooh-kay. Um, wouldn't you know it would have to be something that even I haven't found a cure for yet. I think the first thing to do is to get him somewhere quiet."

"We'll take 'im t' me da's place." Ares and Joxer strolled past. Now they were BOTH wrapped in the tablecloth, legs bare beneath and shoulders bare above. The walking was a little awkward, because the taller Ares had his head on Joxer's shoulder. Joxer was whispering something to Ares, and Ares was giggling, blushing redder than Heph's forge. "I'm thinkin' he won't be needin' it for a bit."

Hera clapped her hands and beamed. "Boys will be boys."

"One o' you lot watch me kiddo." Cupid started to carry Strife towards the Halls of War, with Ace in tow. As they left there was another *hic*. Before they were out of sight, Eris appeared. She was scowling like thunder, and clutching a long stem of gladioli. "What the fuck is going on?" she screamed. "I'm finishing up a nice little skirmish before I come up to this stupid party, and all of a sudden no swords, daggers, or spears. Nothing but roses, petunias, and fucking DAISIES! Instead of a flaming bundle of wood, the catapult pelts the enemy with baby's breath and violets! It'll take me a hundred years and an ocean of blood to live this down." She grabbed the person nearest to her (which much to everyone's approval turned out to be Gabrielle) and shook her by the throat. "WHAT THE TARTARUS IS HAPPENING?"

Very faintly, *hic*

Eris blinked and looked down. "Why am I wearing all this icky leather and metal? It's so unfeminine." She was suddenly wearing a sparkling white toga. "Mm, that's better, but still..." Then she was wearing a flowing dress of sunny yellow. "Closer." The dress became pastel pink. "The color is right, but..." She looked at Hera helplessly.

"Don't worry, dear. I'll help." Hera waved her hands. Eris was dressed in a pink Chanel suit, complete with white kid gloves and a Jackie Kennedy pillbox hat. "Oh, and I almost forgot!" A string of pearls.

Eris looked down at herself, then squealed happily. "Oh, this is just SCRUMPTIOUS!"

Xena winced. "Did Eris just say scrumptious?"

Iolaus grimaced. "I'm afraid so. Well, that should be all for her. She can't possibly get any more different."

Very, very faintly, *hic*

Eris tugged on her gloves, her little jaw firm and determined. "Now, I just need to go find myself a husband!"

Hera clapped her hands. Everyone else screamed, "WHAT?!"

"Of course! My poor baby Erin needs a daddy, and it's up to me to find one for him." She looked at Iolaus. "Hm, you'd do in a pinch, but I'd better start with the gods." She looked around.

Heph ran past, chasing a very frightened winged centaur, waving his net. Hera shook her head firmly, "NO, dear. He's already married."

"How about Ares?"

"Well, he IS your brother."

"So?"

"I think he has an understanding with Joxer."

"Poo." She saw Apollo, and her face brightened. She trotted over to him. "Apollo, you're the God of Medicine, so I'd never have to worry about my baby having booboos!" Apollo continued mutilating vegetation. He'd found a patch of clover and was plucking the leaves off the shamrocks, one at a time, leaving only stems. For some reason Iolaus was glad that Cupid wasn't here to it. "C'mon, 'pol, how about marrying me and giving baby Mischief a daddy?" She playfully tapped him on the shoulder with the gladiola.

Apollo leaped up, screaming. He snatched the gladiola away from Eris, mangled it and threw it down, screaming, "ZEUS, Eris! Don't TOUCH those things. You don't know where they've been, or what they're capable of." He ran off toward an azalea bush, a murderous gleam in his eyes.

Eris blinked. "Okay, I guess that's a no. Let's see..." she looked around, and brightened again. "Yoohoo, Hermes! Have I ever told you what a wonderful father you are to Auto, helping him in his chosen career?" She trotted away.

"We have GOT to get Zeus!" Iolaus said, shaking his head. "I'll look this direction." He started off.

Gabby looked around, "Um, I want to go search Zeus's place. I guess that's over... there. No, wait. There. No..."

Xena rolled her eyes. "Just ask directions."

Gabby yelled, "I don't NEED to ask directions! I know where I'm going." She spit fiercely *ptui*, hitched up her skirt, pulled her underwear out of the crack of her ass, and stalked off. About ten yards away she paused, feinted left, paused, then went right, walking like a woman on a mission.

Xena rolled her eyes again, then screamed as Bliss nipped her butt. "Hey! I thought you were with..." Heph came past, riding on the back of a very aggrieved looking winged centaur. He was steering it by means of the butterfly net he had over its head. "Maybe not." She bent down till her eyes were on level with Bliss's. "Hi."

"Hewwo, Auntie Zeen."

"Let's go see if we can find Gran'pa Zeus."

"Okay." She turned and started off. "Keep close, and... OW! BLISS!"

Bliss was spitting. "Auntie Zeen, what you sit in?"

She sighed. "I dunno, kid. There were fish, and a centaur went past a little while ago, so there's no telling." She took a firm grip on his hand and started off.

*

"I'm tellin ya, it ain't workin."

Ace sighed. "Try it one more time."

"Screw it! I musta drank a hogshead of watah. I drank it in tiny sips, I drank it in big ass gulps, I drank it without breathin, an' lemme tell ya that's as closeta drownin as I evah wanna get. I even drank it through a sheet of parchment, and ya coulda given me a BLANK one, thank ya very much! I'll be spittin ink fah days." Strife crossed his arms, glaring at Ace.

*hic*

One of the Muses had come along to help if needed. She was peering out a window. "Didn't Hercules's friend Iolaus used to be a blonde?"

Cuped glanced over. "He is at that."

She shook her head. "He just went past, and he's got hair like Iphicles's now. It's really attractive." She frowned. "Except that he seems to be trying to scratch behind his ear."

"What's so unattractive about that?"

"With his foot?"

Ace was consulting a dusty scroll. "There's very little on this. Apparently hiccups are a totally unpredictable thing. Though they're more likely to happen in certain circumstances, no one knows exactly what causes them, and no one knows exactly how to cure them. This is fascinating. I'm going to have to write a scroll about this."

*hic*

"Since when did Apollo have big, waddling, black-and-white birds pulling his chariot," the Muse asked.

"Here's another way." Ace laid down the scroll, then took hold of Strife's earlobes and folded them up, pushing, till he had stopped the Mischief God's ears.

Strife stared at him, mouth dropping open. Then he said softly, "Ya know, Ace, stoppin up my ears might be a good idea. I ain't sure I'd want ta hear tha noises yer gonna make when I stick that scroll up yer..."

Ace let go--quickly. "Okay, that one didn't work." He materialized a wedge of lemon, then a tall, slender bottle of something red. He shook a few drops on the lemon and offered it to Strife.

Strife stared at it, then at him, then at it. "Whadda fuck is that?"

"Lemon with red pepper-vinegar sauce."

Strife's face screwed up. "Ew! Ace tha only way I'd be able ta stand suckin on that would be if I was..."

*hic*

Strife's eyes widened. He snatched the lemon wedge. "Gimme that!" He squeezed it into his mouth, then popped the rind in and chewed it while everyone gaped. He smacked his lips. "Got any more of that?"

*hic*

Cupid had been pacing, muttering, "Wurra, wurra, wurra." Now he suddenly started to step dance back and forth across the room.

"We need to keep trying for a cure--you can snack later," said Ace. He consulted the scroll. "Okay, next up--pickles."

"Fine by me! Got any peanut buttah ta go with that?"

*

On the other side of Olympus, two tall men who bore a striking resemblence to a certain bumbling warrior were standing in a small crowd, listening disinterestedly as Zeus pontificated on the values of family ties.

"Hat least he hasn't use-ed the term 'family values'," said Jayce. "Hiyam a fain-TAY-stick actor, but heven Aye couldn't keep a straight face hover that."

"You got that right, Bro," snorted Jett, crossing his arms. "How much longer to we have to hang around and listen to this drivel. I want to go find Joxer and play catchup with him." He gave a hard smile. "Well, play 'catch', anyway."

Jayce shook his head, "Hi tol' chu, Yett, I'm not danglin' him out a hwindow again. Yoxer dun't theenk it's funny."

Zeus was suddenly naked. He didn't notice--not immediately. He kept right on lecturing, since he had a captive audience. Well, actually he never had anything BUT a captive audience. He didn't notice, but the audience did. He finally got a clue when he realized that everyone in the audience had their hands clamped over their eyes. He'd been wondering what those worried mutters about blindness had meant.

Jayce, being of a sensitive nature, was trembling in his brother's arms, eyes squinched shut. Jett hadn't covered his eyes, just squinted, but then again, you see A LOT when you're a professional assassin, and he'd become hardened.

Zeus looked down at himself. "Um..." He glanced at the crowd quickly. Drat. No women he felt like impressing. He waved to dress himself again. Nothing. Frowning, he waved VERY hard. He was suddenly wearing a T-shirt that said MY GOD WENT TO THE GREAT OLYMPUS FAMILY REUNION, AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY SHIRT. That was all, and since it wasn't a 'one-size-fits-all', it stopped just north of his belly button.

"Darn. Um, I'll continue this at a later time period. Will someone please go and find out what the Tartarus is happening? I'll be over here, behind this bush." He scooted behind a large bush.

Jett squeezed Jayce. "You can open your eyes now--he's out of sight."

Jayce shuddered, warily slitting his eyes before he opened them. "Ho, boy! Yett, chu theenk mebbe Zeus is related to the Gorgon?"

Jett smirked. "You don't mean to tell me you got hard looking at him?" Jayce screamed and smacked Jett over the head. "Ow, hey! Okay, all right, I'm sorry! You're right. You're my brother, and you don't torture blood--if you can help it. However..." There was a hulking great warrior passsing. "Hey, buddy! See that bush over there?" He nodded. "Well, go back there and you'll see something you'll never forget--naked." The warrior grinned and headed for the bush.

Jayce shook his head. "Chur EVIL, Yett." Jett nodded cheerfully. There was a strangled yell from behind the bush, then the sound of upchucking, followed by the sizzle of a powerball. The warrior came flying out from behind the bush just ahead of a red, glowing ball. He dodged, and the energy hit a statue of the Greek goddess, Venus, that had just appeared. It snapped off both arms. "Mm, I theenk Ditey gonna like that."

"C'mon, lets go find Joxer. In a mess like this, he's liable to be in real trouble."

They walked for awhile, then came near another set of bushes which were shaking in a most suggestive way. There was a lot of giggling and panting coming from them. Jett and Jayce would have walked past if they hadn't recognized the voice. "Joxer, the Mighty, can always find a tighty! He's so sexy, he's so fine. He boffs 'em, mortal and divine! He'll give you orgasms by the score and always leave you wanting more! Joxer, Joxer the Miiiiighty!" As the last word was stretched out, another voice joined it in a howl of obvious pleasure.

Jett and Jayce looked at each other. Jett wiggled his eyebrows. "Sounds like baby brother is gettin' him some."

Jayce smiled. "Hway to go, Joxie! I knew he wouldn't stay a wirgin forever."

"I wonder who he's with? Do you suppose he finally nailed the little blonde?"

"Iolaus? He'd be a lucky boy, but I theenk Hercules hwould have a hissy."

"No, no. I meant the OTHER blonde. You know--Xena's bitch."

Jayce made a face. "Eh, I'd hope he'd have better taste than that."

"Oh, I don't know. Stick a gag in her mouth, put a bag over her head..." Jett was creeping toward the bushes.

"Yett, no!" Jayce scolded. "Chu leave Yoxie alone with his sweetie!"

"Hey, what else is a big brother for than to embarrass the Tartarus out of you? I won't do anything--much. Maybe just a yell."

As Jett crept around the edge of the bush, Jayce was shaking his head. But Jett didn't go all the way around. He stopped, his eyes widening. After a second he very carefully and very quietly backed up, then went back to Jayce. It wasn't like Jett to give up a chance to tease Joxer. "Hwhat? Hwhy dint chu scare them?"

Jett was blinking. "Well, because I really didn't think that it would be a good idea to jump out at the God of War when he was just through having sex and yell 'booga booga'."

"That COULD be hayzardous to chur health," Jayce agreed. Then he blinked. "Hwait a minute. Chu mean that Joxie...?" He clasped his hands, eyes moist, "Ah, dios! My little brother is sleeping with a divinity! Hi hope Ares is good to him."

"From the looks of it Ares has been VERY good to him."

"Hwat does that mean?"

Jett threw his arm around Jayce's shoulder and started to lead him away. "That means that there's something seriously weird going on here, and we need to find out what."

"Hwhat makes chu theenk that?"

"The fact that Ares was the one rubbing his bottom."