Title: To Love Again

Author: Skye

Pairing: Harry Potter/Severus Snape, Harry Potter/Remis Lupin, (Heavy on SS/HP as well as HP/RL)

Rating: NC-17 for Part 5, PG-13 for the rest.

Category: Drama/Angst

Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns them.

Archiving: After 6-1 wherever. Let me know.

Warnings: Death (Early on, look at the challenge), SAP-ALERT. MAJOR-MUSH!

Summary: Harry looses his husband, Snape, in the final battle. Remus comforts him. HP/SS , HP/RL. Snape is prominent throughout

Scenarios:7. Remember the old adage 'werewolves mate for life'? Well that's definitely true for one Remus J. Lupin. He's never been touched by anyone, and Harry wants to change that. (Cara) 27. Harry is involved with Severus, who died in the last battle with Voldemort. Remus consoles him. (pastles) 67. Harry, for whatever reason, decides to become a werewolf. Your call whether Remus gives him the bite or not. (Dark Artist) **Heavy emphasis on Harry dealing with Sev's death.

Beta: Grey

A/N: The first part of this story is very similar to: "For a Moment", one of my fics. In that story Severus dies in battle, but Harry never realized his feelings. Here, obviously, he has. It's my own fic, I think It's legal.

Song lyrics at the end of chapters are Lyrics are from:
You left me, just when I need you most. Billy Vanwarmer
You won't see me cry. Wilson Phillips
Healing Hands. Elton John
I don't know much. Linda Rondstat
The first time. Surface
The Dance. Garth Brooks
Because You Loved Me. Celine Dion

To Love Again
by Skye

Just When I Needed You Most

The final battle was nothing Harry had expected. It was nothing any of them had expected. The battle- ground was not Hogwarts, or Hogsmeade. It wasn't even in the Wizarding World. There were no sparks, no lights, no curses, and no hexes. Instead it was held in a magical vacuum, and fought with antiquated, inefficient, muggle weapons.

Somehow, that made it more real than the battles that had come before. The screaming of the dead and dying, the sound of steel on steel, and the smell of the blood that soaked the earth, running in crimson rivulets over the grass before being absorbed by the rich loam. It all added a brutality, an immediacy, that hadn't been present before. The need to *end* this war at any cost, but it must *end* and end here, and end now.

Harry and Severus had started fighting back to back, but as the battle progressed had been separated. Now that the battle was winding down. Voldemort had been shot by Hermione, who had literally blown his head off with her fathers revolve. The few remaining Death-Eaters were being gathered together by survivors, Harry was finally able to look for his lover.

Stumbling with exhaustion, streaked with mud, blood, and less identifiable substances he scanned the field until he caught a flash of white-blonde hair and the billow of a cloak on the edge of the woods. Malfoy. Lucius or Draco, Harry didn't know and didn't care. His spouse was forgotten for the moment as he headed toward the forest with determination. They'd gotten away with quite enough - - they were consummate survivors. They weren't going to get away this time.

As he walked, determination over coming his weariness, his eyes were fixed on the spot he'd last seen that shocking white hair. He was so focused that he nearly tripped over the crumpled body lying face first in the frozen mud. He almost dismissed it. He'd seen a lot of death in the past, and more today. A body was nothing out of the ordinary, but a low groan caught his attention, and he looked down.

His knees gave way as he recognized the long black hair spilling over thin shoulders, and he knelt beside Snape, and turned him over carefully. The eyes that opened to meet his were glazed with pain and shock. "Harry." Snape acknowledged with a weak smile, his voice uncharacteristically rough.

"Yes love," Harry said quietly, "I'm here." He paused to push away strands of damp dark hair, that clung lightly to his fingers.

Snape's respiration had a distressingly liquid quality, as though his lungs were ... filling with blood, Harry realized with a jolt. Damn, damn, and double damn. He knew a bit about medi-wizardry, but magic wouldn't work here. Worse, he knew almost nothing beyond the most basic first aid for mundane injuries, with muggle methods. "Severus," Harry said, voice edged with panic.

"It's ok," Snape said soothingly, patting awkwardly at Harry's hand. He was, Harry realized, trying to comfort *him*. Harry could only shake his head. No, not ok, not ok at all. He couldn't loose Severus, "I need you," Harry said painfully.

"I'm--sorry." Snape gasped, before those two words sent him into a coughing fit. Harry instinctively turned him onto his side and braced his head, some obscure medical fact pushing itself past conscious thought, as Snape gagged and brought up a truly astonishing amount of bright, frothy blood. When he lay back he was even paler than he had been, and shivering. Without opening his eyes he wove his fingers through Harry's and gripped him weakly. Still trying to soothe the younger man. There had been far too much death in his young life. He didn't mind dying, but he was worried about Harry. "Promise me," Snape said opening his eyes with a supreme act of will, "that you won't do anything--stupid."

Harry looked at him, tears streaking down his face and nodded silently. Those last words had exhausted Snape utterly and he could see that exhaustion, beyond anything even he could comprehend, in his eyes and the lines on his face. He was so tired, but fighting and hanging on--for him. Fighting death itself--for him, and because Severus Snape did not simply surrender to anything. When he went it would be an active choice to let go, and that wasn't something he would do until Harry let him.

That knowledge left Harry crying harder than before but still silently and sitting calm. When he spoke his voice was steady and sure, in spite of the tears. "It's ok, love, I promise. Close your eyes and rest," and then Harry leaned down to place one last, very gentle, kiss on his lips. It was bittersweet, tasting of salty tears and metallic blood.

Snape was beyond speech now but he smiled weakly, squeezed the hand he was holding once more and let his eyes drift shut. Harry bit back a sob and settled his fingers against Severus' throat, monitoring the rapid, weak, and irregular pulse, as it grow steadily slower before it stuttered, and then finally stopped.

He locked the scream of pure agony behind his gritted teeth. He wanted to scream, to fight, to get his lover *back*. But this time there was no one he could fight, no battle he could win. It was over, and in the end, he'd lost the only thing he'd ever been fighting *for*. He couldn't even seek solace in death, however appealing it was. He'd promised.

It was Remus who found him late that evening. Harry didn't know how long he'd sat there, unmoving, and he didn't care. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered. He *needed* Severus, and he'd *left* him *alone*. Beyond that one thought, that kept repeating itself, over and over, there was nothing. Just pain and anger and an emptiness that made his chest ache.

He didn't hear the quiet footfall behind him, and didn't hear the very soft curse. Even when a heavy hand fell on his shoulder he didn't respond. Remus stood quietly behind him while Harry knelt over Snape's body for a long time. Finally knowing this place wouldn't be safe in the dark he spoke, keeping his voice soft, low, and, with effort, even.

"Harry, we need to go."

There was no response beyond a minute shudder. He tried a different track.

"Come on. Let's take him home."

That seemed to get through to him and he forced his stiff fingers to uncramp and release the now cold hand he was still holding tightly. He stood, brining Snape's body up with him. He didn't speak, but when he staggered and Remus tried to take his charge from him, Harry snarled. It was the sound of an animal in pain, and ready to lash out at anything that got too close.

It was a sound he knew well. Holding both hands up, palms out, Remus took a cautious step backward and Harry settled into an unsteady walk, heading for the closest edge of the magical dead-zone to apparate out, Remus walking behind him, watching him closely.

As they passed through those few who remained everyone froze. Harry and Severus' relationship had never been accepted by the majority, but now it didn't matter. What they had never doubted was the depth of love Harry felt for his former teacher. Even if they hadn't, one look at the pale, drawn, face and shuttered eyes would have made it abundantly clear.

When they apparated at Hogwarts, in the hospital wing, Poppy gasped and covered her hand with her mouth, and Dumbledore, who was sitting in a bed having a hand bandaged closed his eyes. Harry just stood there until Remus gently prodded him through to the white door set in the back.

Harry went stiffly, and mechanically lay Snape down on one of the beds in the bitterly cold room before pulling a blanket up. He paused before covering his face. Remus could hear his teeth grinding and grating from where he stood. Then Harry gently pulled the blanket over his face, turned on his heel, and walked out of the room, stiff kneed.

He walked entirely out of the hospital wing with that same odd gait, moving like a... a... what had Hermione called them? Robot. Dumbledore attempted to halt him but he simply shrugged past the old man and kept walking, eyes fixed straight ahead.

Dumbledore called Lupin over to him. "Remus. I believe it would be-- unwise --for Harry to be alone tonight. I know you are tired as well, but could you... ?"

"Of course," Remus answered without hesitation. Albus didn't look so great himself, and he was much older as well as injured.

When he found Harry he was in the Gryffindor Dormitory. It hadn't housed students in several years, but had been used by the members of the fight against Voldemort. Harry was in the window, knees up to his chest, looking out into the descending night, but Remus had no doubt that he wasn't seeing. Just sitting, and hurting.

Harry knew Remus was there, and he was grateful for his unobtrusive presence. He didn't want to be alone, but he wasn't up for any conversation either. 'Damn you Sev,' he thought as he finally allowed tears to fall, 'What am I going to do without you? I need you, you greasy bastard. I *need* you.'

'Cause I need you more than I needed before
And now where I'll find comfort, God knows
'Cause you left me just when I needed you most
Left me just when I needed you most
------------------------------------------------------------------------

You Won't See Me Cry

Weeks had gone by since the final battle, and the collective Wizarding World was picking itself up, and beginning the business of moving on. The losses had been called 'acceptable' by the ministry. A fair price to pay for freedom and the final downfall of the Darkest Dark Wizard in centuries. Hermione was a hero, and had been awarded an Order of Merlin, first class. Something she was very proud of, having been the first woman to receive the award. Ron of course was ecstatic for his wife's success, and even happier at the large number of Galleons it had netted their vault, ensuring they, nor their children, were likely to ever know poverty.

Still, Harry had them all worried, and none more worried than Remus J. Lupin. He knew how badly disturbed he was. He could smell the defeat and despair and soul deep *grief* that hung about the younger man like a cloud. The others were concerned, and they sympathized, knowing he'd suffered a huge loss, but they saw only what Harry wanted them to, not having the extra sensory input Lupin had. Harry went to meals, though he ate very little. Smiled a bit, talked a bit, and generally put on a very nice show.

Knowing how deeply wounded Harry was, Lupin had moved into the dormitory to be near him. They were alone there now, with the war over but school not open yet. Every night without fail Harry sat beside the window and stared into the night sky. He slept for most of the day, and in the relative privacy of the rooms, he never, ever, spoke. The man was simply sliding away. Lupin was surprised, grateful, but still surprised, he hadn't attempted to take his own life. He watched him closely but he never showed any indication of being suicidal. Instead he seemed to simply be going through the motions, doing what was necessary to stay among the living.

Today was the worst he'd had thus far, Remus thought. He'd been forced to attend the trials and Lucius had gotten off--again. Today had also come with the knowledge that Draco, who Harry insisted had killed Severus, was still alive, and free. The boy had looked at Harry and smirked. Remus had been sitting beside him and gripped his upper thigh, *hard* when he felt the smoldering anger inside the boy ignite into a roaring blaze.

Still, rage, in fact any strong emotion, was better than the horrible apathy that had held Harry in it's grip for the past three weeks, and he'd felt, briefly, that Harry could come out of this unscathed, spirit in tact.

That hope had disappeared once they'd returned to the school. Harry had turned to him in the quarters they shared and asked him to infect him with his lycanthropy. His response had been a definite and immediate 'No'.

"Why in Merlin's name would you want me to?" Remus asked, shuddering.

"I want to make Draco *pay*. I want to rip him apart. I want to his blood on my hands instead of Severus'. I want to rip his heart out and shred it until there's nothing left. I want him to *hurt* and scream and *die*.

Remus' next words were carefully measured, "Harry, I realize that you're hurting, but tearing Draco limb from limb isn't going to bring Severus back, but it will destroy your life. I promised myself a long, long, time ago I'd die before I infected anyone else. If you want Malfoy find a way to get him. I'll certainly help you anyway I can--but legally."

All the emotion that had come to the surface in the boy just drained away, leaving nothing in it's wake. *Nothing*. He was a complete void. It, almost, made Remus regret his decision, but he knew that there was nothing that was worth taking on lycanthropy and his willingness to do so consciously was just another testament to his mental instability and emotional fragility.

Remus wanted nothing so much as to take Harry into his arms and protect him from the world. Heal all of his hurt and his pain. He knew that his timing could not be worse, and so he kept his distance. He'd had strongly, decidedly un-paternal, feelings for Harry since he was in his early 20s, but he'd always been involved with Snape. Unlike so many others he could smell and feel and *see* the love between them like a tangible cord binding them together. They'd healed one another and completed one another. If nothing else Lupin was an honorable man and he had no desire to come between two men who so obviously and so deeply adored one another.

Now he felt guilty. When he'd first realized Snape was dead, for a split second, his reaction hadn't been grief or concern for Harry -- it had been relief. At least now, after more than fifteen years, Harry was free. That fraction of a second wasn't even enough time to fully form conscious thought, before it had been overcome with fear and resignation.

Fear for Harry's sanity and safety in the face of such loss, and resigned to the fact that 'free' or not Harry was in no position to have any sort of relationship just now, and may never be. Resigned that even if he did choose another partner it wouldn't be a 50 year old werewolf, too thin, prematurely gray and, curtsey to his curse, a virgin to boot.

He knew though. Knew that Harry was the only one he could ever bond with, ever mark, and because of that he'd never been touched intimately. It seemed he was destined to die a virgin, and that was ok. He could deal with that quite easily. He was long past raging hormones making him so randy he couldn't see straight. It didn't matter if Harry ever saw him as more than a friend, nothing mattered as long as Harry *healed*.

His thoughts were interrupted when Albus appeared in the Common Room.

"Albus. I'm glad to see you," Remus said honestly. In fact it was an understatement. The old man had spent the better part of the past month in the hospital wing, emerging only yesterday.

Albus raised his eyebrows and nodded. "Thank you," he said before dropping his voice to continue. "How is Harry?"

Remus nodded to the widowed young man sitting in shadow, looking sightlessly into the dark sky, and shook his head.

"Ah. I see," Dumbledore said, having missed the huddled figure when he walked in He dropped his own voice even lower. "Do you think he'll attempt to harm himself?"

Remus shook his head again, "If he's shown little inclination to live, he's shown less to die. I must confess it surprises me but -- I don't think he'll -actively- harm himself."

Dumbledore nodded slowly, "But he isn't doing much else either is he?"

"No," Remus admitted, "he isn't. I thought he just needed some time and space, he's always been so resilient, but I'm beginning to think there's more."

"Indeed there is," The old wizard said, both men speaking softly, though Harry had shown no awareness of them at all, "he is not only not dealing with his loss well, he is not dealing with it at all."

Without moving so much as a finger Harry responded in a flat, dead, tone, "I am here. I am not deaf. If you're going to discuss me, you might at least leave the room."

"I am sorry Harry," Dumbledore said cutting the werewolf off with an upraised hand, "I did come to see you but you seemed lost in thought and I didn't want to disturb you. You know there are people who care for you a great deal, and to whom you can turn with this."

Harry's reply with chillingly simple, and left no room for discussion "No. There aren't," he said, before turning his attention back to the window and withdrawing himself, preventing further discussion.

You won't see me cry
You know I decided
That I'm gonna pull myself together
And find a way to fight it
I'm gonna have to hide it
You won't see me cry
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Healing Hands

"Harry," Remus said softly, after Dumbledore had left them, "Don't do this."

"Don't do what?" He asked dully.

Remus walked over to the window and wedged himself into the alcove to sit facing the younger man, facing him. "Don't just give up. Don't go after Severus."

Harry glanced at him in something like surprise, "I promised him I wouldn't do anything stupid and I haven't and won't," Before turning his attention back to the darkened glass.

"I didn't mean to imply that I thought you were going to kill yourself. I think we've established that you're not." There was a pause while Remus sat just looking out the same window, mentally kicking himself in the ass for allowing this to have gone on as long as he had, "but do you honestly think all he was asking was that you not kill yourself?"

He waited give his words a chance to sink in, and then put a hand against Harry's jaw and gently forced him away from the window to look at him, "Harry, he wanted you to *live* more than anything."

"Why do you *care*? You didn't like him anymore than any of the others," Harry asked, voice thick with unexpressed emotion.

"Because I care about *you*," Lupin said quietly. The words stung, but any sign of the horrible grief being expressed came as a relief, "I won't insult you, or Severus, by pretending he was my best friend and I liked him. I didn't particularly. What I do know, " He continued, still lightly touching Harry's cheek to keep him from turning away, "is how much he loved you, how much you loved him, and just how badly you're hurting right now."

The muscle in Harry's jaw tensed and his eyes closed tightly. "It hurts *me* to see you like this," Remus said very softly, fingers lightly stroking his face, the only place they were touching, "Don't do this to me Harry. Don't do this to *yourself*," he pleaded.

A low sound, something between a moan and a whimper escaped Harry and he choked, half gagging on suppressed tears and sobs. Remus pivoted and swung his legs off the window seat and let them dangle, reaching for Harry in the same moment.

Harry was rigid in his arms, shaking and shaking hard. "Don't do this to yourself," he repeated. "Let it out."

Harry screamed, actually *screamed*, and it was the literal embodiment of his anguish. Low, and as harsh as if his throat were filled with shards of broken glass. When the screaming stopped though, he was finally, finally, crying and crying hard. Almost as hard as the shaking that was convulsing them both as Lupin held onto him.

They never knew how long they sat there before Harry could begin to wind down, "I miss him," he said shakily, with his head still against the older man's chest, and still crying.

"I know." Lupin said simply, rocking slightly in an age old, instinctive, effort to soothe and comfort, but not shushing him, not telling him it would be ok. To do either would be insulting. He just held him, and let him cry.

And reach out for his healing hands
Reach out for his healing hands
There's a light, where the darkness ends
Touch me now and let me see again
Rock me now in your gentle healing hands
------------------------------------------------------------------------

I Don't Know Much

Harry cried himself to sleep in Lupin's arms, and woke much later to find them still in the window, side by side against cold glass and rough stone. He was decidedly cramped and sore.... He felt as though he'd be split open and his guts scoured--exposed and raw.

He shifted awkwardly and Remus woke, looking up at him through sleep clouded amber eyes. "You aren't alone," he said quietly and squeezed Harry's hand, hard, as though to remind him of that physically.

"Not now, and not yet," Harry said sounding resigned and exhausted, "But I will be. I don't even know who, or what, I am without Severus. Everything I've lived my life for is gone. The war and my husband. I have nothing worth dying for anymore, much less something worth living for."

Remus took all his Gryffindor courage up in both hands and said softly, "You want something to live for? Live for me," and then kissed him lightly. Lips barely meeting in a feather-light touch before he backed off, hoping that he'd make things better, that he'd helped rather than hurt the man he'd loved for years.

Harry was blinking at him, owlishly, through his glasses, "What the -- Remus?" He sounded completely and utterly confused and lost.

"I love you," Remus said looking away, not able to meet Harry's eyes, afraid of what he might find there, "and I have for a very, very, long time. I'm not trying to pressure you, I-I just wanted you to know, and believe me when I say that You. Are. Not. Alone," he continued, emphasizing the last words.

Harry just continued to stare at him and Remus began to feel an almost uncontrollable urge to check to see if he had something on his face. It wasn't until he began to twitch self consciously that Harry finally said something, "I see," he said, sounding more than a little shell-shocked.

"Harry, I --."

"Shut up and let me think for a minute would you?" Harry snapped.

Lupin shut up.

"You're a werewolf... if you're telling me you love me that means you want me... forever."

Remus kept his mouth shut. Harry sounded more as if he were talking to himself than asking for a question. It was a moot point anyway, Harry was stating the obvious.

"Which means you aren't bonded, and therefore you are completely inexperienced with relationships," Harry continued his line of reasoning, lifting an eyebrow at the end, in a very Snappish fashion, asking for confirmation.

Lupin blushed and was grateful his hair hid at least part of his face, as he nodded.

"Dear God," Harry finally said. He couldn't process this. Could not begin to decide how he felt. What he wanted, he knew without doubt. He wanted Severus to walk through the door, cloak billowing, smirk firmly in place and hold him while chiding him for having another nightmare and disturbing his work.

He had loved Severus Snape with an intensity he hadn't believed possible. Every ounce of his being, who he was, was wrapped up in the mate he'd lost barely a month ago. Severus had been part of his life since he was a child, and he'd loved the man nearly as long as he'd known him.

He didn't know how to love anyone else, or even if he was capable of it. He didn't even know if he wanted to, or if he should. He wasn't ready to let go of his memories. He didn't want to replace his husband. Just entertaining the idea made him uncomfortable. It felt like a betrayal. He wasn't sure it was even fair to Remus.

Remus was a *wonderful* man, werewolf or not. He deserved to be loved without reservation, and with a whole heart. Harry wasn't capable of giving him that and he deserved more, and he deserved better. Yet Harry also knew, beyond question, that Remus would never move on, and never choose anyone else. He was what he was, and as a werewolf, if he had chosen, then he could not alter his decision. Realized or not, logical or not, willing or not, Remus' heart had decided for him and he was bound by that.

Yet Remus wouldn't want him to be unhappy, wouldn't push him. He hadn't pushed him in the 15 years he'd been with Snape, and he wouldn't start now.... Still...

With an effort Harry stopped his circling thoughts and forced himself to think clearly. Severus would want him to be happy, and would not want him to be alone. He did care for Remus, He cared for Remus enough to want him to be happy. He, himself, did not want to be alone.

"I don't know how much I can offer you, Remus, " Harry said slowly and softly, "but everything I have, is yours."

I don't know much
But I know I love you
Let that be all I need to know.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

The First Time

The sun was beginning to rise by the time Remus found words, "Harry... I" Don't what to push you. The words wouldn't make it through the lump in his throat, so he swallowed and Harry interrupted.

"Shut up and kiss me," Harry said with a lop sided grin, though his voice was undeniably shaky.

So he did.

When their lips met, Harry's hands tangled in his hair and held on hard and he quickly took control, pushing his tongue into the werewolf's mouth, and exploring it thoroughly. Remus could only moan in response. Finally having to breathe Harry broke the kiss.

"Harry, be very sure you want this. It is for *life*, you need to understand Mph," all right then, he thought as he was silenced quite effectively by the tongue down his throat.

Harry's aggressiveness surprised him. He knew he hadn't a lover besides Snape. But Harry was far from timid, pushing him toward the nearest bed, shedding their clothes as they went. By the time Remus' knees hit the edge of the bed they were both naked.

When they reached the bed Harry pushed him back and covered his body with his own. Remus hissed and arched up involuntarily at the jolt of skin to skin contact for the first time in his life. Gods....

Harry planted his hands on either side of his face and pushed a knee between his legs as he began to kiss him again. Remus groaned and was rather surprised at the pained whimper that escaped him. He wanted.... Something.

He wasn't exactly sure what he was asking for what he hissed 'please', but Harry seemed to have a pretty good idea and he slithered down his body, placing open mouthed kisses haphazardly as he went, finally settling down between his legs and taking his aching hard cock down his throat with practiced ease and without warning.

The suddenness startled him and Remus pushed up, further into that wonderfully tight, wet, and *hot*, channel. He could have sworn Harry chuckled, but he could have been wrong. His mind wasn't exactly working at peak efficiency.

Keeping up steady, but slow, suction, Harry's free hand began to fondle his balls gently, and then stroke lower. When a finger brushed his entrance Remus groaned--again. He even had the presence of mind to note, at some deep corner of his mind not totally fried on pleasure, that he was apparently rather vocal.

The finger disappeared and came back softer and slick. When it pushed into him he got still, trying to decide if he liked it or not. It didn't hurt but it didn't do much for him either, unlike the wonderful *mouth* surrounding him. Maybe he was just destined to top....

Then another finger joined it and they moved and brushed against something deep inside him. "Ohmygod," he gasped.

Harry pulled back and off, and this time he was definitely smiling, though slightly. The smile was something that had been absent for far too long. "Like that did you?" Harry asked, doing it again, looking smug.

"Urgh," Remus gurgled thrusting downward.

Harry added a third finger, slowly, and it did hurt, but just a bit, and he was quickly distracted by how *good* it all felt. Harry continued for a few minutes, twisting and turning his hand inside him, brushing against that *Spot* frequently.

Finally, just when he thought he was going to die from terminal lust, Harry slid his fingers out, wiping the excess lube haphazardly on the sheet and looked down at him. What on earth was he waiting on?

"This will hurt less if you're on your side or stomach," Harry informed him.

The haze lifted from his mind, though not the arousal and he shook his head, "I've a good pain tolerance Harry, I trust you, and I know you need to see *me* as much as I need to see you."

Harry was decidedly relieved when he lifted Remus' legs, bending the knees as he positioned himself. "Relax" he instructed softly and began to push in, slowly, watching him closely. Some of the fervor seemed to have faded and Remus locked his eyes onto Harry's green ones.

It did hurt. It burnt, and stretched and was altogether uncomfortable, but he focused on *not* wincing, afraid Harry would stop. He broke out into a sweat, and his eyes drifted shut, as the head finally made it past the rings of muscle and Harry continued his slow, steady, progress.

Once he was fully inside Harry stopped to allow Remus to adjust, and to gather his own wits. He stroked sweat dampened silver strands away from his face and kissed him again, deeply as though Harry were trying to devour him, consume him.

He thrust back against Harry and Harry took his cue and began to move, trusting slow and deep at first, but speeding up steadily until he was pounding into Remus, every stroke sliding across that sensitive little bundle of nerves. Lost in lust himself Lupin managed to keep his eyes open and focused on Harry. Harry's head was thrown back, his skin glowing with sweat in the early morning light.

Suddenly Remus *had* to mark him, the need approached hand in hand with his orgasm and he whimpered desperately. Harry seemed to get his unspoken message and leaned forward, bringing his neck into range and Lupin bit him hard.

He felt skin break, and blood burst across his tongue, and it sent him over the edge and he came violently, feeling as though he'd been turned inside out.

A few sharp thrusts later Harry came, and when he did there were tears streaking silently down his face. He collapsed forward onto Remus and hid his face in the soft flesh of Lupin's neck, breathing raggedly, tears trailing across Remus' shoulder to soak into the pillow. Remus mumbled a quick cleaning spell to deal with the sticky mess, and turned to lay on his side, still holding Harry close.

Remus understood. Harry was far from healed and whole. They'd made a good start, taken the first step together, but it would be a long, slow, process for Harry-- for both of them. He could feel the ghost in bed with them. He waited until Harry had cried himself quietly to sleep before speaking, very softly, "Thank you," not entirely dry eyed himself, 'Thank you for keeping him safe. Thank you for loving him, and teaching him to love. Thank you for making him the man he is today,' he added silently.

The first time I looked into your eyes I cried
Do you remember the first time we fell in love
You looked into my eyes Wiped the tears away
The first time when we fell in love
------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Dance

Sometime in the middle of the night, the second week he had Harry had been together, he woke alone in the big bed of the house they were renting. They'd need to buy, but first Harry wanted to sell off the home and land he'd shared with Severus. Remus had told him he didn't need to, but had been relieved that Harry insisted. He didn't want to push him, but he didn't want to simply step into a dead man's shoes either.

He cast a quick light spell and glanced at the clock to find that it was 2:45, and decided that the bed was warm and Harry had, probably, simple gone to the loo. When ten minutes had passed without a sound, however, he got himself up and went to look for him.

It wasn't really surprising that Harry couldn't sleep. It had been a hellacious day for him. They had, finally, gotten enough evidence to try Draco, and Harry had testified, and it had brought the horror of Snape's death to the front of his mind. Not that it was ever far from his thoughts. Still, it was disturbing, and facing Draco even more so, for Harry. The worst of it, however, had come with the knowledge that no one knew what happened to Severus’ wedding band. Harry had insisted he never took it off, he'd been wearing at the final battle, but no one could locate it. The best guess was that it had still be on him when he'd been cremated.

Harry was trying, and trying hard, to start to live again, but it wasn't easy. He was slowly starting to speak without being spoken to first, and he'd started to fly again. He'd occasional laugh or smile spontaneously. His lovemaking had lost the frantic intensity of their first times together, and he'd finally let Remus take him. He'd typically 'bottomed' with Snape, Remus knew, and it had been hard for him to do that with someone else.

It was also readily apparent that Harry felt guilty about being with him. Their relationship had been accepted with enthusiasm from all quarters, but that just made it harder. The ease with which his

friends, family, and colleagues had taken the news was like a slap in the face after the grief those same people had give him for over a decade for loving , never mind marrying, Severus.

They hadn't discussed any of this. He'd tried, but Harry shut him down promptly each time the subject was broached. He just wasn't ready to confront it in the open yet, and Remus accepted that and gave him the space he wanted, but left the door open for discussion when Harry was ready. If Harry was ever ready. Remus was beginning to wonder if there would ever be a time when Harry could love him without reservation, without holding back, or even allow himself to *be* loved, because of the guilt he felt.

When he found Harry, he was somehow not surprised to find him by a window, looking up into the night sky. He approached the young man slowly, and Harry turned toward him briefly with a wan smile, before turning his attention back to the starry sky. He settled himself behind Harry and wrapped his arms around the younger man's waist and was relieved when Harry leaned back into him.

"What are you thinking about?" Remus asked softly, chin on top of Harry's hair.

"Stuff."

"Well that's certainly explicit," Remus teased gently. "Can you be more specific?"

"No. Yes.... I don't know," was Harry's frustrated reply. He was twirling the wedding band he still wore on his finger, and he seemed restless and agitated.

"Harry," Remus asked, running a hand from his wrist to shoulder to rest there before stroking over his mark, "Was this too soon?"

"Probably," Harry answered without turning, "But fifty years from now would have been too soon too."

"I know," Remus said. "I'm sorry."

"Do you know?" Harry demanded, turning finally to face him, eyes flashing with anger. "Dammit, I am so sick of you people, all of you."

Remus stepped back to give him room and Harry pushed away from the wall and began to pace, waving his hands as he spoke, "I am so fucking sick to death of false sympathy, pity, and platitudes! If I hear 'I'm sorry for your loss'," Harry mocked, "One more time I am going to loose it and kill someone. You *don't* know, and neither do they, because you didn't know who he was!"

Harry flung himself onto the couch and rested his head in his hands, "I'm sorry, " he began, "You're better than most, because you are quiet possibly the only person who really believed he loved me, not just that I was brainwashed into loving him or something, but even you ," Harry stopped and fisted both hands in his hair.

"You're right," Remus admitted, seating himself across from his mate, "Tell me."

Harry looked up at him, askance, "Remus, I'm not sure you want to hear about my life with someone else."

"I am. I want to understand," Remus said, and added silently, 'and it'll do you good to remember there was more to his life than dying on that battlefield'

Harry didn't seem to need much encouragement as he talked, so Remus was largely silent, but kept eye contact and smiled or nodded when appropriate to show his attention, and to encourage him to continue.

"I don't even know where to begin. He was the first person who ever saw me, for who I was, for me, rather than a legend. He was the first person who cared about me enough to keep me safe, and the first person who yelled at me for something I'd done, rather that something I was," Harry snorted.

"The Dursley's weren't nice to me at all. Were pretty horrible actually but they tended to ignore me more than anything. If I did get screamed at or punished it was because I was a wizard, not because I broke the rules. Then I came here and I was flying. I was a hero. I could do anything. I was the boy-who-lived, and the world was in awe. There were no rules, no restrictions, that applied to me. No one dared correct the boy-who-lived."

"Except Snape," Remus interjected.

"Except Severus," Harry agreed. "God Remus I can't tell you how much I hated him those first years. He was *everywhere*. I thought he was trying to kill me, get me expelled, and just plain piss on my parade. To be honest, he was. He thought I was a selfish, self- centered, spoiled *brat*. He was largely correct, though not entirely.

"My fifth year I got assigned those extra DADA lessons, and we began to work together for the Order. I thought I was being punished. Imagine, having to spend all that time with the greasy bastard Hermione and Ron offered condolences. We tried to come up with an excuse to get me out of it. Ron even went so far as to suggest that he could obliviate me, so I'd be useless. Of course it never got that far, and I went, and at first I hated it," Harry paused, pulling his legs onto the couch and tucking them under himself in a strangely youthful posture.

"What changed?" Remus asked, hoping to get him back on track and talking. While he was talking he seemed at ease, more peaceful than he'd seen him since the battle.

"I found myself making the most amazing discovery of my life, to date. Severus Snape was a person," Harry shook his head. "It sounds simple now, but then, my god, what a revelation. Bit by bit he began to trust me and to relax those god awful defenses he always kept between himself and the rest of the world. I knew the man was smart, but he wasn't just smart, he was blood brilliant. That probably comes as no shock to you, you were in school with him,"

Remus nodded. Snape was exceptionally intelligent, and always had been. His mind was amazing.

"But he had a *wicked* sense of humor. The man was *funny* as hell, and he could make me laugh at totally in appropriate moments. He was brave.... My god what he faced at those meetings while he was spying. All those years of never knowing if he was going to be found out, if he was coming back." Harry took a deep breath before continuing, "It was ultimately a Death-Eater meeting that spelled out or me just how I felt for him."

"What happened?" Remus asked, gently drawing Harry back when he starred off into space just a moment too long.

"He had done something to piss Voldemort off. What doesn't matter and never did. IT doesn't take much, ya know? He came back late, far later than he should have, and we were all frantic. He finally showed up by the lake, covered in blood and semen, and unconscious. The week it took him to come out of the coma, I realized that I *loved* this man. I didn't just respect him, he wasn't just my friend, I *loved* him. I was not happy."

"I'd imagine it was a bit of a shock."

"No shit," Harry snorted, reminding Remus, again of Snape, "I was downright pissed, but when I managed to sit still and think about it, it made so much sense. He protected me at great risk to his life, over and over. He could make me laugh. I trusted him, heart, body, and soul every time we were on one of those missions for Albus. Most important, he saw me for *me*. Nothing more, nothing less.

"When I finally got through his thick skull that I wasn't playing games with him, I learned something else about Severus Snape. When he loves he does it like he does everything else. He holds nothing back. He gave up his time, his space, and his heart to me. In 15 years, I can tell you with 100 percent certainty that there was never a time I needed him that he wasn't there, no matter the personal cost. "

"Sounds idyllic," Remus said rather wistfully, thinking he couldn't compete with the memory of Snape anymore than he could have competed with the man. He was rather surprised when his comment earned a snigger from Harry.

"Idyllic? Hardly," he said dryly, "We fought. I don't' have to tell you that. Severus Snape and Harry Potter *not* fight?" Harry lifted an eyebrow. "When we fought it was... fireworks of a whole different kind. We screamed, we yelled, we threw things. He turned my hair green once. I charmed his shower to spray maple syrup instead of water. It took him as long to get that out as it did for my green hair to fade," Harry's smile faltered a bit.

"God. I'm never going to stop missing him. He was so happy, so pathetically fucking grateful, for being loved. He could be a bastard, but he never, not once, took me for granted, or let me go to sleep without telling me he loved me. He deserved better dammit! He deserved a chance to live a life free of Voldemort, and pain, and fear, and war. He sure as hell deserved better than hurting, and bleeding and dying on the cold ground," Harry was fighting tears again, but he was *talking* about it, so Remus let him. "Even then he was trying to comfort me Remus. Can you believe that. Telling *me* it would be ok."

Harry finally circled back to what had started this discussion, "Yet all we ever got, all I ever got, and hell all I still get, is how Severus used me, and took advantage of me, and they're sorry he's dead, but now I can have a nice life since he's out of the picture. He's dead and they're still doing it. He's never going to be remembered as anything but a selfish, sarcastic, Death-Eater turned spy. If we're lucky someone will manage to make sure no one forgets which side he was on. I am the only person who will ever know what was under all the *shit*"

Harry was crying freely now, but sitting quietly, seeming almost unaware of the tears. Remus was rather stunned. He didn't know how much of what Harry said was accurate, but he was inclined to believe him. He knew Harry hadn't conveyed even a tiny fraction of what he felt and remembered about Snape, but what he had painted a far different picture than the one he'd painted in his mind, even knowing Snape had loved him and been good to him. It was humbling.

Finally, he stood up and extended his hand to Harry, "Lets go to bed."

Harry took the hand and rose, and they walked up the stairs hand-in- hand, side-by-side but silent.

Only after they were in bed, and Remus was spooned behind Harry's back did he speak again, "Was it worth it?"

"Oh yes," Harry said, and Remus could smell the salt of his tears, and hear the smile that was firmly in place through them, "Absolutely."

I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end
the way it all would go.
And our lives are better left to chance.
I could have missed the pain,
but I'd've had to miss the dance
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Epilogue: Because You Loved Me

It was a year after Severus' death before Harry was finally able to face closing the house he'd spent the better part of 15 years in with Snape--when they weren't at Hogwarts that was. When he'd told Remus he was going to come down and pack things up, Remus had offered to come with him, but he'd declined. After more than a year sitting in a closet on a shelf he'd brought Severus' ashes with him to release here, and those were things he wanted to do alone. Thankfully Remus had understood, or at least accepted his decision.

He spent the better part of the weekend packing and magically shrinking boxes. Severus' clothes he'd give to one of the multiple charities that had appeared to provide relief for the War Victims. Voldemort had left many people without homes or injured too badly to work. The furniture he simply sent off for resale. The money wasn't important, but he didn't know what else to do with it. Severus' workroom he would have Hermione pack up and take to Hogwarts. He didn't know enough, even after all those years married to the man, to feel safe mucking about his potions ingredients and equipment. He'd probably blow the house to Mars if he tried.

He found dealing with those things surprisingly easy. There wasn't a lot in the way of personal affects to deal with. A couple of photo albums, he flipped through with a smile. It had taken a year, but he could finally remember the good-times without being complete overcome with the memory of how it had all ended. The random scraps of parchment shoved in his bedside drawer gave him pause until he realized they were just short miscellaneous notes from him, ranging from :' Have the house elves buy more cottage cheese,' and ' I'm at Ron and Hermione's, don't wait up,' to letters he'd written but never sent when Sev was away on those awful spy missions they'd both hated, pouring his heart out: His fear, his uncertainty--his love.

That Snape had kept those odds and ends made him wonder if Severus had ever expected to be in this position, packing away his things, and wanting something concrete to hold on to. It made him wish more, than ever, they'd been able to track down Snape's wedding ring. He finished the last box, and picked up the mahogany box that had held the ashes of his teacher, friend, lover, and spouse, for just under a year and made his way outside.

Once he was outside the wards he apparated to avoid walking in the freezing cold, and found himself on the cliff on the North side of the property. It over looked the ocean's waves breaking against a rocky shore. The sky here was almost always overcast, and there was always a stiff wind. It was the perfect place to set him free.

When he opened the box, the wind immediately caught the ashes and began to carry the fine ash. Harry dug his hand into the box and gripped his fingers tightly. 'This is the last time I'll touch him', he thought and bowed his head for a moment holding on and remembering. Finally he raised his fist to the sky and forced his fingers open, letting the wind take him. He stood for a moment, watching the timeless beat of the surf before apparating back.

He had one more task before he could go. He knew this one would be harder for him.

In their bedroom, where he'd left a small velvet covered box, Harry sat on the bare mattress with his legs crossed. This was probably silly, but....

"I still miss you Severus. I wake up at night screaming your name, even now. It still hurts. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you, and miss you, but now I have days that I don't cry myself to sleep in Remus' arms," Harry paused, twisting his wedding ring on his finger. "He says he's grateful to you. Without you, I wouldn't be who I am. He doesn't know how right he is. Without you-- I wouldn't know what love was. Without you I wouldn't have survived at all, and I most especially wouldn't have survived sane and whole. "

Harry stopped speaking for long minutes, still toying with the wide platinum band, "Dammit, why the hell is this so hard? I still feel like I've betrayed you. Why can't I do this? Why can't I take off the damn ring?" Harry shuddered.

"Harry...." a velvet baritone, as familiar as his own voice said softly from somewhere in front of him. He didn't look up, couldn't look up, afraid to find he was hallucinating.

"S-S-Severus?"

"25 years and still you think like a muggle," the voice chided gently, 'Of course love.'

"I-I-I'm sorry."

"Never, ever, apologize for loving. Take off the ring."

"I can't." Harry said, voice cracking.

"Yes love. You can. You loved me, and you loved me well. You.... You made me stand a bit straighter, and reach a bit further. You gave me hope, and you gave me faith. I had your love, and it is all I ever wanted. Now I need you to let go, and give Remus the gift you gave me. "

Harry gritted his teeth and his fingers closed around the ring again.

"That's it love. I loved you then. I love you now. *NEVER* doubt that Harry."

Harry shook his head and the command was repeated a final time, very gently, and very softly. "Take off the ring."

He did. Once it was off he held it in the palm of his hand for a moment before moving to drop it into the small wooden box he intended to keep with him rather than store. He glanced down at the metallic clink of metal against metal and saw the matching band. 2 sizes larger, and just a bit wider. The last time he'd seen that bit of metal it had been wrapped around Severus' finger.

It was late. Remus would be waiting for him. It was time to go home.


I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you

end