By Ratwoman

Disclaimer: J.K.Rowling owns Snape and all the others. Lucky she.

Ratings: PG-13, but naughty allusions.

Category: Parody

S for Silly

Summary: Weird things are happening to Snape. He makes a surprising discovery when he is trying to find out why.

Severus Snape strode through the hallway on the way to his classroom. Another frustrating day lay ahead of him, trying in vain to teach his students a subject that did not interest them at all. Waving wands was more their taste; no wonder, every fool could wave a wand.

Snape passed a few sixth-years Slytherin girls. Strange was, they were looking up at him in a way they obviously thought was seductive, batting their eye-lashes, parting their lips. Snape shook his head, wondering who had poisoned them with an aphrodisiac and strode on. He sighed and entered his classroom. Teaching fifth-years Gryffindors and Slytherins was a job he especially hated. There was Harry Potter, for a start. And that Weasley boy. And the smart-alecky Hermione Granger. Not to forget Mr. Neville Amnesia Longbottom. And the Slytherin dumb-asses Crabbe and Goyle.

Professor Snape strode to his desk and started his lesson about growth potions. After a while he noticed with surprise that his students were listening with fascination. Well, everyone except Potter and Weasley, who were writing each other notes.

Snape strolled over to them, looming over their desk. "Can I have that piece of paper, Mr. Potter?" he asked in his most threatening voice.

Harry Potter blushed and shook his head.

"I do think so." Snape said and wrenched the paper out of Potter's fist.

While reading it, he was glad that he had decided against reading it aloud.

>>What do you think it is that makes Snape so incredibly sexy?<< Harry's handwriting said.

>>Maybe his nose<< Ron's handwriting answered. >>You know what they say about the length of a man's nose.<<

Professor Snape blinked, then snarled at the boys: "You think that's funny?"

Potter and Weasley turned crimson red.

"Ten points off Gryffindor for disrespect against teachers!" Snape shouted, crumbling the note and throwing it into the waste-basket.

Now it was time for the practical part of the lesson, the students had to brew the potion he had explained earlier. As expected, Neville Longbottom had done everything wrong he could possibly fail at.

Looming threateningly over him, Snape stared down at him. Neville looked up, shivering in excitement.

"Green?" Snape said. "This potion is supposed to be RED, Longbottom."

"Will you punish me?" Neville said in a shaky voice that Snape misread as fear.

Snape actually had not planned any punishment, but now that Neville mentioned it...

While he still was thinking about it, the boy begged: "Please, Professor, punish me! Please!"

Snape shrieked back and stared in horror at Neville Longbottom. Neville was flushed, looking at him with bright eyes, expecting, h o p i n g for his punishment.

"Neville always has such a luck." He heard Seamus Finnigan murmur.

"I've got more luck." Draco Malfoy hissed triumphantly at Seamus. "I'm Snape's favourite!"

Seamus stared hatefully at Draco.

Snape's gaze travelled over his students. Most of them were looking at him adoringly. Hermione Granger had not even looked at Gilderoy Lockhart that way three years ago.

It was too much. Snape gathered up his bag and fled the classroom.

*

In deep confusion Snape rushed through the corridors, past some Ravenclaw girls who were all smiling brightly and greeting him. What the hell was going on!

Fortunately he met Professor Mc Gonagall in the hallway. He should tell her that someone had bewitched all the students.

"Minerva!" he called. "I've got to talk to you."

She turned around, smiling delightedly at him. "Ah, Severus, I have just been thinking about you!" she answered.

Snape looked at her in bewilderment. She usually was more matter of factly.

"Why don't we go to my office and you tell me at a nice cup of tea whatever you want to tell me." She said, still smiling. "Or better still, we go to my private quarters..." Professor Mc Gonagall batted her eye-lashes.

Snape took a few steps back, staring at Professor Mc Gonagall in disbelief. "You too?" This must be a very strong spell, if even Minerva was bewitched!

Professor Mc Gonagall still smiled at him.

"Um," Snape made, "I just remember, I have an appointment with Albus." Snape said and run away. Indeed, he rushed right up the stairs to Dumbledore and burst into the office.

"Someone has hexed the school!" Snape called without introduction.

Dumbledore looked earnestly at him. "What makes you think so?"

"Everyone, even Minerva, is behaving like crazy." Snape replied. "Minerva just made me an unequivocal offer..."

"Congratulations!" Dumbledore interrupted cheerfully.

"That's not funny!" Snape snarled. "The children, they behave like.... Neville Longbottom just begged me to be punished by me!"

Dumbledore looked thoughtfully. "I'd never have taken Neville for a masochist, but if that's what he likes we have no right to judge him."

Did Dumbledore really not understand? "Harry Potter and Ron Weasley were writing notes discussing how s e x y they think I am." he burst out.

Dumbledore laughed. "Did you never write notes as a kid, Severus?"

Snape stared at Dumbledore for a few seconds, trying to calm down. "Don't you see how crazy they behave? The girls in the hallway are staring at me as if I was 'Witch's Weekly's Bachelor of the Month' or something."

"And what's so unusual about that?" Dumbledore asked. "Honestly Severus, if I was twenty years younger..."

Snape had difficulties to breath in the upcoming panic. Even Dumbledore was under that strange spell. Without another word, Snape rushed out of the office and hurried to his own quarters. He would calm down there and then make a plan about how to find out what had happened.

*

Snape leaned exhaustedly against the wall of his dungeon, breathing heavily.

"Goddess!" he snarled. "Will you ever stop playing sick jokes on me!"

"The Goddess has nothing to do with it." A voice answered.

Snape winced and looked around. In his armchair in front of the fireplace a young woman in Muggle clothes was sitting, with a strange grey solid looking something on her lap.

Snape carefully stepped closer. The woman was moving her fingers over parts of the grey thing. Snape took a closer look at it. It reminded him vaguely at something called typewriter he had once seen. Just that it was flatter and the text she was tying was not printed on paper but on a screen.

He looked at the screen and read the words. And exactly that was written there: He looked at the screen and read the words.

"Did you enchant that... typewriter so that everything you write down happens?" Snape asked suspiciously.

"Kind of." she said. "But this is a notebook and not a typewriter."

Snape snarled: "So it's your fault that everyone is behaving like crazy!"

The woman smiled and nodded proudly.

"What do you want?" Snape barked.

The woman looked up at him adoringly. "Private lessons?" she said. "A night with you?" Snape shrieked back. Was she mad?

She sighed and said. "At the moment I'm just trying to make J.K. Rowling's world a bit more realistic."

At the mention of the Goddess's name Snape once again wondered who or what this visitor was. An immensely powerful witch? A half-goddess?

"I'm a fanfiction writer." She answered as if reading his thoughts.

"A what?"

"Well, the fanfiction writers are responsible for some of the things that happened to you. As for example your terrible childhood..."

Snape winced. Then he said frowning: "I have quite contradictory memories about my childhood."

The woman nodded. "That's because a lot of people invented a childhood for you, and everyone had different ideas."

Snape felt as if his head was spinning. People had invented his childhood?

"Rowling would be quite annoyed about some of the things the fanfiction authors wrote for you." the woman said, "I'm sure she wouldn't approve of your relationship with Sirius Black, or Remus Lupin, or James Potter..."

Yes, Snape clearly remembered that he'd been in a relationship with all of them. And with Lucius Malfoy, with Voldemort... He wondered how he had managed to have so many relationships at the same time.

"But what do you mean with making the world more realistic?" Snape asked.

"Well, it's simple, in the other world everyone fancies you, so they should do the same here."

Snape decided that he did not really want to know what that other world was. "Why should everyone fancy me? I'm not even remotely attractive."

The woman looked scrutinisingly at him. "Well, if you'd wash your hair more often.... Besides, it's not about good looks, it's about your character."

"Right," Snape said slowly, "but I don't exactly have a loveable personality either."

The woman sighed and looked adoringly at him: "You're a dark wizard, you're sarcastic, gloomy, mean, and yet so brave."

Snape crossed his arms. "Do you know that you are mad?" he asked.

"Mad for you." she answered. "but I'm not the only one. Look." She clicked a few buttons on her notebook and the screen changed. "That's a chatroom." she said. "Muggles meet there online to discuss things even if they are miles apart."

Snape pretended that he understood.

"They are discussing you at the moment."

Severus read the words ominously appearing on the screen:

LADY CROW: **sigh** Snape is soo cute

CHRYSANTHEME: If I looked in the mirror of Erised I'd probably see me taking private lessons with Snape

VALERY: Or detentions: "Please, Professor, punish me!"

LADY CROW: LOL

VALERY: We should make a Snape T-shirt, something with a sexy picture of Snape

CHRYSANTHEME: Snape with his robes half-open and a phiole in his hand?

VALERY: oh yes, and we need a good slogan

LADY CROW: Maybe "Snape Me!"

CHRYSANTHEME: Hey, that's cool!

"You see?" the woman said.

Snape stared in disbelief at the screen. "Well, that's only three women with

a strange taste..."

The woman sighed, took the divination crystal ball from the near table and made a waving motion with her hand over it. Snape could now watch two girls in the crystal talking about him. Then three women telling how they loved Snape. Next came a few boys saying how cool he was. And so on until Snape had seen about two dozen people agreeing that he was just perfect.

Snape sat down, his head spinning.

"You see," the woman said, "since everyone in the real world is so fond of you, I thought how unrealistic it is that not everyone at Hogwarts fancies you."

Snape groaned, getting a headache. "Make that undone!" he demanded.

"But why?" the woman asked.

"It scares me!" Snape burst out in despair.

"Well," she said with disappointment, "ok, if you're sure..."

She typed another sentence and then disappeared.

Snape stood up and carefully sneaked out of his quarters. On the hallway, the students were avoiding him as usually. Snape sighed in relief and went to bed.This really had been a terrible day!

The End