Highway to Hell, Chapter Fourteen: Birth and Death

By Ratwoman

ratwoman02@yahoo.de

Disclaimer: They all belong to JK Rowling, I just borrowed them. They certainly will be glad when I bring them back, because I'm a very sick person

Pairing: SS/LM

Rating: NC-17 (overall)

Warnings: BDSM, auto-aggression

Category: Darkfic, Drama/Angst, lightened up with a healthy amount of Humour thanks to hainuwele for beta-reading

Summary: Snape's time at university, when he meets Lucius Malfoy, Lord

Voldemort and other nice fellows



Highway to Hell, Chapter Fourteen: Birth and Death
By Ratwoman
ratwoman02@yahoo.de

Me miserable! Which way shall I fly
Infinite wrath and infinite despair?
Which way I fly is Hell: myself am Hell;
And, in the lowest deep, a lower deep
Still threatening to devour me opens wide,
To which the Hell I suffer seems a Heaven.
~John Milton, Paradise Lost


Severus hardly slept that night, as he was too upset with everything that had happened yesterday. It was still early when he got up to get some breakfast. A strong coffee would be a good idea now.

He had hardly sat down with his cup when Lucius Apparated into the kitchen. Severus's heartbeat accelerated, but he did not say a word.

"Morning, Severus," Lucius said as if nothing had happened.

Severus mumbled an answer and watched Lucius out of the corner of his eyes as he poured himself some coffee. Lucius sat down and started talking about all kinds of trivial things, avoiding to look at Severus too long. Severus was completely confused now: he could not really interpret Lucius's behaviour. Was he trying to put their relationship onto a more impersonal level, or was he trying to hide the problem by silencing it?

Severus thought about his own behaviour last night. He had more or less sent Lucius away by telling him that his habit of cutting was none of Lucius's concern. Mill was right, he *was* pushing people away.

Maybe he should touch on the topic now... Severus's heart beat even faster. No, he couldn't, he just couldn't talk about it.

Lucius was silent for a moment, then he said in a more serious tone: "The heir will be born soon. Narcissa and I thought... I wanted to ask you yesterday... We wanted to ask you whether you wanted to be our child's godfather."

Oh, that was... unexpected. "Me?" Severus asked.

"Is there someone else I could be talking to?" Lucius said sharply.

Severus blushed and said carefully: "Even after...."

Lucius shrugged. "What's that got to do with Draco?"

"Draco?"

Lucius smiled happily: "That's what we're going to call him."

Weird name! "Well, all right, I feel honoured." Severus said not very convincingly. It just came so unexpected.

Lucius emptied his cup and raised. "Come to my room at nine p.m.!" he ordered and left the kitchen.

Severus knew, he really shouldn't let Lucius order him around like that, but he was too relieved that Lucius was not about to break up to protest.

***

It was a few weeks later in September when Sebastian got a letter, which, judging from his face, was good news. "What's up?" Severus asked slightly amused.

Without a word, but grinning all over his face, Sebastian pushed the letter across the breakfast table for Severus to read.


//Deer Sebastian,

Pamelas child was born yesterdei. It is a boy. We cal him Gregory Junior. You're uncle nou.

Gregory//


Obviously Sebastian's brother was not one of the brightest, but Severus could not really tell whether Sebastian was more intelligent, as he hardly ever said a word.

"Congrats," Severus said, then Mill entered the kitchen. "Mill, Sebastian has become an uncle!"

"Really?" Mill called beaming. "That's incredible! Is it a boy or a girl? When was it born? How much did it weigh?...."

Severus used the tumult to leave the kitchen. In just two weeks Narcissa's child would be born. And he was getting almost as anxious about it as Lucius.

***

Lucius behaved as if he had never caught Severus cutting himself. On the one hand Severus was relieved, because he did not want to talk about his habit. On the other hand he felt ignored. Not that Lucius did not give him any attention, but it felt as if his habit was of no importance to Lucius.

Maybe Lucius was just distracted because the birth of his son was drawing nearer. Lucius was more and more like a cat on hot bricks the closer the date came. He spent most of his time at Malfoy Manor nowadays, but the day before the scheduled date he was in their shared house, taking his breakfast with Severus after a busy night, when the face of a house elf popped up in the flames of the chimney.

"Master Lucius?" it said with a shaking voice.

"What is it, Dobby?" Lucius answered.

"Mistress Narcissa... is having a baby... now."

In an instant, Lucius dropped his spoon and Disapparated. Severus did the same, Apparating in the Malfoy salon, where the house elf was still standing at the fire-place.

"Where is Lucius?" Severus asked.

The house elf just looked confused at him, obviously not knowing the answer.

Severus sighed and said: "Where is Narcissa?"

"Master Severus, Sir, she is upstairs, Sir, in her room, Sir," it stuttered.

Severus rushed out of the salon and hurried up the stairs. He arrived at what he supposed was Narcissa's room when a big, blonde midwife was pushing Lucius out of the door.

"You wait outside!" she said dominantly.

"But..." Lucius said.

"This is women's business, men are not allowed during birth."

"But..." Lucius looked flabbergasted at the door when the midwife shut it to his face.

Severus had to suppress his laughter. This was probably the first time that someone had said no to Lucius. And with good reason- in his current state of mind Lucius could hardly be any help to Narcissa.

It was ok as long as he was just pacing to and fro in the hallway. But then Narcissa screamed loudly, and Severus had to hold Lucius back with all his strength to keep him from storming into her room.

"What if something is going wrong?" Lucius whined.

"The midwife will know what to do." Severus said, trying to calm Lucius down. Suddenly he was very glad that he had come along- who else would take care of Lucius?

"But... what if she's a failure?" Lucius said.

"You told me that you hired the best mid-wife available." Severus replied.

Narcissa screamed again, even louder this time, and Lucius paled visibly. Severus drew his wand and cast a silencing spell over the wall.

"What if they need help, then we won't hear them!" Lucius said, almost panicking.

"Then the midwife will open the door." Severus said calmly. Lucius was quite amusing at the moment. No witch had died in child bed for threehundred years, and Lucius behaved as if Narcissa was in mortal danger.

"She's so fragile." Lucius whined, "What if..."

Severus shut his mouth with a kiss. It seemed the best thing to do to calm Lucius down; and besides that, Lucius looked just too cute. "She'll be fine," Severus whispered. "Believe me."

***

They waited in front of Narcissa's door for hours. Severus tried his best to distract Lucius by talking about other things, but Lucius's gaze always wandered back to the closed door anxiously. When Severus did not have any fresh ideas to talk about anymore, he tried to distract Lucius by snogging, which worked much better.

They were leaning against the wall kissing deeply, when the door opened. The mid-wife cleared her throat, and said coldly: "You can come in now."

Lucius hurried inside, and Severus followed more slowly. He stayed at the door and watched Lucius sitting down at the side of Narcissa's bed, his face glowing with pride and joy.

Narcissa looked exhausted, her hair wet with sweat, her face pale, but she smiled proudly at the screaming bundle in her arms.

For a moment Severus watched the couple, then decided to silently steal away, but Narcissa saw him and said: "Why don't you come closer, Severus? After all you assisted in making him."

He could see that out of the corners of her eyes she was watching the mid-wife. Severus, too, shot a quick gaze at her: the woman looked utterly undignified. If she knew how harmless his assistance had actually been...

Severus stepped to the foot of the bed. by now the baby had stopped screaming and looked around sleepily. It was ugly, as all new-born babies, red-faced, wrinkled skin... but at the same time Severus felt that it was a miracle. A new life was born, and this little creature was supposed to grow to be the Malfoy heir, member of an ancient, powerful Wizarding family.

And it was his god-son. Severus gazed at Narcissa and Lucius, who were smiling at him, and knew that he had finally found a family, one that really cared for him and did not compare him to a dead hero. At last.

***

Severus stayed a few days at Malfoy Manor. Draco was a lively, loud baby, and Narcissa and Lucius utterly doted on him, spoiling him even in the cradle. Severus understood them, they had so longed for a child, he only wondered what a spoilt brat Draco would be in a few years.

Narcissa's parents came for a visit a few days later. They were very distinguished, cold aristocratic pure-blood wizards, who congratulated Narcissa without any warmth in the looks on their faces. Severus could imagine why she always was so distanced.

What a contrast Mill's visit was! The young witch hugged anyone in sight, asked if she could hold the baby, carried little Draco around all day, telling everyone what a sweet boy he was.

Severus and Lucius hid in Lucius's bedroom after a short while. Not that they did not like Mill, but it was more than enough to share a house with her. Well, Lucius's time in their house was over; Severus helped him bring his personal belongings to Malfoy Manor, slightly regretting that he wasn't going to see Lucius every day anymore. They had found a new housemate who would move in a couple of days later; her name was Lucilla Parkinson, a Slytherin.

Severus's second year at university had already begun, so he went back to the shared house not to miss any more lectures. Yet he knew that he would always be welcome at Malfoy Manor. That thought was very comforting.

His lectures and seminars this year were much more interesting, as the lessons went more into the depth now.

Of course, the Marauders were still sitting in the some of the same seminars as he, but just like during the second half of last year he and Black simply ignored each other.

***

It was in the first week of October, Severus was sitting over his books at night, when the Dark Mark started burning.

Swearing, Severus put on his cloak, gloves and mask and Disapparated.

He Apparated on a clearing in a forest, with about a dozen other Death Eaters. Severus could recognise Lucius by his silvery hair, standing next to him.

Lord Voldemort was in the middle of the circle, looking disturbingly angry.

"Carmilla!" he shouted.

A black-clad figure stepped forward. "Yes, Milord?" Mill said with a trembling voice.

"Can you imagine why I called in this assembly?" the Dark Lord said icily.

"No, Milord," Mill was clearly lying, but why?

"Did I not order you to murder the Wizards you have observed so long on my order?"

"Yes, Milord," Mill said. "I killed both of them."

"What about the children?" the Lord answered.

"They are no danger." Mill answered, in a much more convinced voice than earlier.

"Not yet," the Lord replied. "But they will be. What gives you the right to disregard my orders?"

"My conscience." Mill replied. A hiss went through the circle of Death Eaters.

The Dark Lord quickly pointed his wand at her. "Crucio!" he called.

Mill fell to her knees, screaming. The Lord let his wand sink, about to say something, but suddenly and quickly Mill shrank to a height of about three inches and ran away.

As a half-fairy, she could change her height at will, Severus remembered.

Severus desperately hoped she would succeed in running away, but one of the Death Eaters jumped to the ground like one who was trying to catch a mouse. "Got her!" he called triumphantly, holding the squirming half-fairy in his hand. From his voice Severus recognised him as Macnair.

This time Mill grew, and Macnair had to let her go. Ten feet high, she kicked him away.

"Imperio!" Voldemort called, pointing his wand at the fighting half-fairy. Mill froze in mid-motion.

"Now, take on a decent height!" Voldemort ordered.

Mill shrank to her usual five feet six.

"Give me your wand." Voldemort ordered. With a blank face Mill obeyed. Voldemort weighed her wand in his hands for a moment, then snapped it into two.

"Take off your mask, cloak and gloves!" Voldemort ordered next.

While Mill stripped off the visible signs of her being a Death Eater, Severus realised that she was as good as dead. Was there nothing he could do to save her?

"Don't even think about it." Lucius whispered as if he had been reading his thoughts.

Mill was wearing blue jeans and a batik shirt beneath. Her light coloured clothes made her appear much more vulnerable than she had looked in the black Death Eater robes.

"Crucio!" Lord Voldemort called again, and again Mill fell to the ground screaming. Her shrieks reverberated through the forest, and Severus wished he could at least put his hands over his ears. Annoying as Mill sometimes was, she was one of his friends, one of the few who cared.

After a few minutes the Dark Lord let his wand sink. Mill did not try to get away this time, just lay on the ground, sucking in air with rattling sounds, probably too weak to move.

Lord Voldemort gestured at the assembled Death Eaters. "Kill her!" he ordered without further specifications.

Severus watched like stunned as the dark-clad figures closed in on Mill, pointing their wands at her, shouting "Crucio!"

Mill's screams seemed to tear his ears apart.

Only three of them had not moved, Severus, Lucius, and someone who, judging from his build, must be Sebastian. Severus noticed warily that the Dark Lord was staring at them.

Lucius cleared his throat and whispered, so that only Severus and Sebastian could hear him: "She'll die faster if we join." Severus swallowed hard and followed Lucius, dimly aware that Sebastian was coming, too.

Severus took his place in the circle around Mill. He was glad for his mask, it would hide his pain. Mill was squirming in agony, her face distorted in silent screams, silent because she had screamed her throat raw.

Severus, too, pointed his wand at her now, shouted "Crucio!"

He knew that a Cruciatus cast by more than ten people at once would kill the victim, but he had never before seen it happening. He could see one blood vessel after the other burst, forming flower-like patterns underneath her skin. It took a few more minutes until it was over, until Mill stopped writhing, her body collapsing lifelessly. Her skin was red from ruptured veins.

Severus let his wand sink, unable to take his eyes from the sight of the corpse of his former house mate. What would come next? Whom would he have to kill next? Sebastian? Lucius?

"Well done." Lord Voldemort said. "You can leave now. All except Severus."

Severus's heart sunk. Hiding his abhorrence, he turned to the Dark Lord. "Yes, Milord." he said while the others Disapparated.

Lord Voldemort gave him a piece of parchement. Severus briefly looked over it. It was a list of Potions.

"How long will it take you to brew them?" Lord Voldemort asked.

"Depends," Severus said and told his Lord the exact time each of the Potions would take.

"I'll call you then." Voldemort said and Disapparated.

Severus was alone on the clearing with Mill's dead body. Severus shot her one last glance then Apparated into Malfoy Manor.

***

He found Lucius, Narcissa and the baby in the huge living room. Sebastian was there, too, looking pale and sick and drinking the glass of vodka a house-elf was giving to him. "More!" Sebastian ordered, and the house-elf refilled the glass.

"What did the Dark Lord want of you?" Lucius asked.

"Gave me another list of Potions." Severus answered, gesturing to the house-elf to bring him a glass of vodka.

"It's such a pity." Narcissa said. "I should have known that Mill is too weak; I should never have introduced her to the Dark Lord."

Too weak? That was how Narcissa saw it?

Lucius nodded his head. "Not everyone sympathising with the Dark Lord is strong enough to do what has to be done."

Disgusted, Severus emptied his drink in one gulp. "More!" he ordered and the house-elf, who had just been giving Sebastian his third refilling, hurried over to him.

***

Something was inside his head, hammering against his skull from the inside. Severus opened his eyes, groaning because the light was blinding him. He needed something against that terrible headache... Severus searched the nightstand but it was empty. Why the hell...? Severus took a look around and realised that he was not at home. He rather was in an expensively furnished guest room... Malfoy Manor.

Why was he in a guest room and not in Lucius's bedroom?

Severus slowly started to remember... Sebastian and he had been in a kind of drinking competition, but why? Severus closed his eyes, thinking further back. Someone had been screaming, and he could see in his mind's eye blood vessels bursting and forming flower-like patterns underneath pale skin. It actually looked beautiful, how the little red lines spread out and... Mill!

Severus suddenly remembered that it was Mill who had died. And that they all had killed her in the name of Voldemort.

Severus groaned and hid his head underneath the pillow.

He could hardly go on like that, killing people against his better judgement, but what should he do? He had seen what happened to those who protested.

And if Voldemort killed him, would Lucius, too, think that he was weak?

***

Severus got up about an hour later. He found Lucius, Narcissa and the baby in the living room, discussing the events of last night. They were still believing in the Dark Lord, still shifting the blame for her death on Mill... Not that they were not sorry, but rather as one was sorry for people dying in an accident.

Severus groaned and buried his head in his hands.

"Got a headache?" Narcissa asked. "No wonder, you drank excessively last night."

Then she called "DOBBY!" Severus flinched at her loud voice.

The house elf appeared, looking scared.

"Bring Severus some pain-relievers." Narcissa ordered. The house elf disappeared to come back later with a flask of a Potion. Severus drowned it hastily.

His world cleared up a bit when the pain lessened. He thoughtfully watched the little family sitting on the couch. Draco would grow up in a world where Lord Voldemort's ways were not to be questioned. But what kind of world would that be? A world where Draco would be taught to kill, to torture without mercy? A world where Draco would kill his own friends if necessary?

Was there no way to prevent that? Severus knew, he could not win against Voldemort, Voldemort was way too powerful. At least not alone.

He could go to the Aurors, tell them all he knew and hope it would be enough to lead Voldemort into a trap. But then he would also have to sell his friends, and for nothing in the world would he betray Lucius.

There really was nothing he could do.

***

Severus went back to his lectures two days later, but he was much too distracted to listen to any word the professors said. He always saw Mill in his mind's eye, how she had writhed in agony. If he refused to make the Potions, then Voldemort would kill him, but at least it would be over. Maybe if he killed himself...

"Severus?" he suddenly heard a voice say.

He looked up. Remus Lupin was standing in front of his desk, but except for him, and the Marauders standing a few feet apart, the room was empty. Was the lecture already over and he had not even noticed it?

"I heard about your housemate." Lupin said with a worried look on his face. "I'm sorry. I knew her, she was..." Lupin stopped, out of words.

Severus glared darkly over Lupin's shoulder at Potter and Black. Both looked very grave, Potter was biting his lip and looking to the floor. Black met his eyes for a moment, but then lowered his gaze.

"Um.." Lupin looked nervous, because Severus had not said a word to him. "I just wanted to say... how sorry I am."

"Go away." Severus whispered. "Leave me alone!" How could his old enemies expect him to acknowledge their presence now, when he was grief-stricken.

"Ok." Lupin said, turned and left, followed by his friends.

They were still at the door when Severus started to laugh hysterically. Some words Mill had said to him unexpectedly rung through his mind. *Why do you push away everyone who cares for you?* But they did not really care, did they? Why did he remember her words just now?

The Marauders stopped at the door, looking at him in confusion. Black made a movement as if to go back to Severus, but Potter and Lupin took Black by the arms and held him back.

***

Severus went directly to his room after university. Feeling the need for his blades, he opened the drawer of his nightstand. Instead, his eyes fell on a card.



//Nicolas Norton
Lawyer, Specialist for Misuse of Magic
112 Diagon Alley
London//


"Call me if you need me," his uncle had said when he had given the card to him.

Severus took the card into his hands. There was no way a lawyer could help him now. Could a friend help?

Severus put the card away and took hold of his blades. But his gaze wandered back to the card. He hardly knew his uncle. Could he trust him? The only childhood memory Severus had of him was a moment when he had been terribly frightened by him. Then again, as it turned out, Nicolas had actually tried to help him - and his mum, too. Someone who cared...

Absent-mindedly Severus cut a line across his forearm while he was contemplating the address. What could possibly happen if he asked Nicolas for help? Nicolas could turn him out in the Aurors, and Severus did not want to go to Azkaban. Nicolas could also be a Death Eater himself and betray him to the Dark Lord. Not much better a choice.

If Severus went into hiding... maybe Nicolas could help him arrange that. But Severus did not want to run away either... he wanted to stop Voldemort, to create a world were Draco would not grow up to be a murderer.

But that was completely hopeless. He alone... he could do nothing...

Severus looked at his arm, frowning. He had not even noticed that he had been cutting three lines across his forearm. Gazing at the blood-stained blade, he realised that not even his knives could provide him with any solution. He was lost.

Severus was about to tear Nicolas's address into pieces, when he heard Mill's voice in his head: *Why do you push away everyone who cares for you?*

Severus stopped. "You mean I should at least try." he said.

He would visit Nicolas in the morning. But he wanted to see Lucius first. If he was unfortunate, it would be the last time he'd see Lucius.



***
END