Title: Happy Pothead & the Fornicating Phoenix (INTRO)

Author: Rune Scriptor

(runescriptor@hotmail.com)

Paring: multiple m/m (too, too many to say, really)

Rating: R

Genre: Dark Spoof

Notes: This was deleted ages ago at Fanfiction.net for the title (and quite likely the subject) & I've been meaning to re-introduce it. I wrote this about 2 years ago for a college class. Please, READ THE INTRO! Or, at least the last two paragraphs of the Intro. Many people misunderstand the fic by skipping the intro, flame me, then quickly backpeddle once they take the time to read it.


Happy Pothead & the Fornicating Phoenix (INTRO)
By Rune Scriptor


INTRODUCTION or, WHY I WROTE THIS STORY

J. K. Rowling's Harry Potter series is a collection of popular fiction literature that is both well-loved and deeply hated.

To its critics, the books are dangerous, blasphemous, and immoral. They are seen as corrupt and the devil's handiwork, meant to poison the minds of children everywhere. One of the most viciously attacked aspects of the novels is the theme of magic. Rowling uses magic as a way to open up the imagination and allow readers to escape the mundane realities of life. In Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry, she shows sorcery as normal and brings it to a level that most readers can relate to; she reveals magic as a powerful force that can be used for both good and evil. It is all, however, mere fantasy; Rowling writes about magic not because she is a witch and wants to spread her pagan beliefs, as one pastor claims, but because it is entertaining to both children and adults.

The critics who disparage J. K. Rowling's work have one thing in common: fear. The fear of the unknown, of magic, of books that take the world by storm; they are so enmeshed within their narrow worlds of paranoia that they refuse to step outside and take the chance that the experience might broaden their minds. By seeking to ban Rowling's novels from libraries and classrooms, they are attempting to force their narrow-minded opinions on others and are
violating the rights of readers to choose their own reading material.

In writing "Happy Pothead & the Fornicating Phoenix," I attempted to draw upon what I had learned about what critics feared the most. Then, with that knowledge in mind, *I wrote the sort of short story that I believe Rowling would have written had she really been intending to poison the minds of children.* It is filled with blatant disrespect for authority, and promotes sex, black magic (hexes, curses, cultist rituals), and drugs.


"Happy Pothead & the Fornicating Phoenix" is RATED `G' for Gratuitous Violence, Gratuitous Sex, and Gratuitous Use of Barroom Vernacular.

CHAPTER 1: THE BOY WHO LIVED
(and consequently hexed a shit load of people)


Mr. and Mrs. Dursley and their nasty little son, Dudley, lived at number 6969 Pissant Drive. Above all other people in life, they hated their nephew, Happy Pothead. As they were both tediously normal and therefore do not fit very well into this story, Mr. and Mrs. Dursley will cease to be mentioned after Chapter 1.

One fine morning, on the 6th day of the 6th month in '66, Happy Pothead awoke from a drug-induced coma to find he had a splendid idea. Immediately, he donned his demonic black robes, lit a flaming symbol in the air, and proceeded to chant. Soon thereafter, a machete appeared on the floor beside him.

Happy Pothead grasped the enormous weapon by the blade and, taking a heavy drag on his joint, crawled to the nearest mirror. He crashed face-first into it, giggling. Then, he pulled back and
blinked, staring into the cracked mirror. "Riiiight therrrre," he said as his eyesight blurred. He giggled and stuck the reefer behind his ear. "Ace!" He jabbed a finger into his forehead and slowly traced the outline of a lightning bolt. Then, squinting, he began to slice, blood dribbling down his forehead and into his green eyes. Happy let out a shriek of pleasure.

"Shut the noise, boy, or I'll send you back to the Delinquent Home!" Uncle Veronica shouted from downstairs.

"Ohh, fuck off." Happy examined the newly carved lightning bolt on his forehead with glee.

*"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?"*

Happy ignored Uncle Veronica and reached for the wand he'd tucked in his knickers for safe-keeping. "Oops," he giggled as he tried to yank the long instrument from his boxers. "Wrong wand..."

Happy grabbed the joint behind his ear, took a long drag, then whispered, "Pyro," as he waved his wand at his forehead. Instantly, the blood disappeared and a flaming, lightning bolt-shaped scar appeared on his forehead. "Fucking trippy," he murmured in wonder.

Suddenly, the bedroom door was kicked open. Uncle Veronica stomped in, his face typically beet- red. "DID YOU JUST GIVE ME LIP, BOY?"

Happy turned to face his uncle, but found a cloud of smoke in the way. He waved his arms until it cleared. "Whaaa?"

"I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU, POTHEAD!"

Happy shrugged and offered the joint to his uncle with a stupid grin. "S'good. Here...try..."

Uncle Veronica's face turned orange as he snatched up the joint and tossed it out the window.

Happy watched, horrified, as his treasure was carried away by the breeze. Then, the scar on his forehead blazing bright red, he pointed his wand at Uncle Veronica. "AVADA KEDAVRA!"

Uncle Veronica immediately exploded.

Happy gathered all his school books, joints, and cultist robes and thrust them into a traveling bag. He hopped on his broomstick and flew out the window. As he hovered above the house, Happy saw Aunt Pricktunia and her nasty son, Dudley, in the garden.

"OY!" he yelled.

When Aunt Pricktunia saw her nephew astride a flying broom, she let out a shriek of terror. She clutched Dudley to her chest, smashing him between her silicone breasts. "MAGIC!" she wailed. "VERONICA, COME QUICK! POTHEAD'S DOING MAGIC!"

Happy waved at his cowering relatives. "It's no good calling for him, Auntie. I was experimenting with spells in my room and I needed someone to practice on. Sorry about the mess."

Aunt Pricktunia's mouth fell open and she turned white with horror. Babbling incoherently, she wheeled around and made a dash for the street, dragging her son behind her. Amazingly, a large ten-wheeler truck came whipping around the corner at the exact instant Aunt Pricktunia and Dudley's feet hit the road. Happily for them, their deaths were as normal as they could have hoped.


CHAPTER 2 : THE PROPOSITION


Head Master Albus Dumb-ass-bore paced the length of the teacher's room, his robes sweeping behind him. On his shoulder perched a beautiful flame-colored bird with a long, luxurious tail.

"I really don't know if this is such a good idea, Fuks," Professor Dumb-ass-bore muttered to the phoenix.

Fuks ruffled his feathers and gave him a disapproving stare.

"Well, he is just a little sixteen-year old, after all," Dumb-ass-bore continued. "Why would he want to get in the middle of a war if he doesn't have to?" He paused to stroke Fuks' golden tail with his shaking hands. "It's really just between me and Sodomort, you know," he said. "Although I don't understand why the stupid git is going after *me.* I don't know, maybe he thinks I'm in the way of his world domination scheme. Who knows?"

The door suddenly slid open and Professor Sadistic Snape swept into the room.

Dumb-ass-bore broke off the one-sided conversation he was having with his phoenix and turned to face his fellow teacher with a smile. "Hello, Sadi," he said warmly, using his favorite pet name
for Snape.

"Albus." Snape inclined his head. "You wanted to see me?"

"Yes. I...have a favor to ask of you."

Snape raised an eyebrow. "What is it?" He leaned against the wall and crossed his arms.

"I need you to train someone very special for me. I have chosen him to bring about the downfall of Lord Sodomort."

"Who will I be training if I agree?" Snape asked.

"Only you can train him," Dumb-ass-bore said hurriedly, ignoring Sadistic's question. "No one knows Sodomort and his SexFeeders better than you, Sadi. You could prepare the boy for-"

"Who is it, Albus?" Snape demanded in irritation.

"Errr.Happy Pothead. But wait-wait, before you say no-"

Snape fixed his cold black eyes on the Head Master and cut him off with a wave of his hand. "Will it be dangerous for the boy?"

"What?" Albus looked at him in genuine surprise. "You mean you actually care about Happy's well-being?"

Snape's eyes narrowed and a sneer spread across his face. "Don't be ridiculous. I hate the little bastard."

Professor Dumb-ass-bore pursed his lips in confusion. "Then why.?"

"Answer me one question, Albus, and I will train your Happy Pothead," Snape said.

"Oh!" Albus said, perplexed but also pleased that Snape was agreeing so quickly. "Certainly!"

"Will the boy be in any mortal danger?"

"Yes."

Snape's face shifted into a twisted smile. "Then that is all I need to know. I'll do it."

Dumb-ass-bore smiled as Fuks nibbled his earlobe. "Thank you, Sadi. I know you'll do a thorough job with the boy."

"Oh," Sadistic Snape said with an oily smile. "It will be my pleasure."


CHAPTER 3 : HOGWARTS


Happy Pothead watched as the Sorting Hat was placed carefully on the stool before the packed hall of students. Off to the side, the first years waited, nervous and trembling, for their names to be called.

Abruptly, the Hat burst into song:

A Sorting Hat I call myself,
I read what's in your head.
I'll tell you which of these mascots
You'd rather have in bed:
Out of four, you'll have your choice,
Just say which suits your taste-
I'll place you in the house you choose,
So step up, and make haste!


As the Sorting Hat sang about Hogwart's four mascots, Happy turned to his friends, Con Weasley and Homione Granger. Con was absently lifting a few joints from Happy's pocket but stopped with an oily smile when he realized his friend was watching him. Homione was busily adjusting her lacy push-up bra and thigh-high leather boots; Happy noticed that she'd gotten a new nose over the summer and wondered how much it had cost.

Happy's eyes scanned the Head Table and the row of assorted professors assembled there. He sighed when he realized that all were present, including dreaded Professor Snape. Snape always found a way to single Happy out and make his life miserable.

At the front of the hall, the Sorting Hat continued, wrapping up its song in a final, welcoming verse that made the first year students shiver with excitement and fear:

So come on kids, and try me on
It's I who hold the key
To sorting here at Hogwarts school
Of Witchcraft n' Bestiality!


Happy sighed as he looked at the long line of first years. Sorting them all was going to take awhile.

He remembered when he had first come to Hogwarts and been forced to put on the Sorting Hat. He'd been high at the time, so his memory of the event was a little vague, but he did remember having to sit on the stool in front of the whole school, the Hat covering nearly all of his head as it whispered to him.

"Hmm." the Hat had said softly, "difficult choice to make here."

The smoke from the joint tucked behind his ear had soon enveloped Happy's head, coiling along the walls of the Sorting Hat's soft inside. He'd felt giddy and wondered if the Hat might catch
fire.

"Well," the Hat had continued in his left ear, "let's see.Wait a minute.is that pot?"

"No," Happy slurred back laughing. "Pothead. Happy Pothead."

Surprisingly, the Hat had laughed with him. "I'm supposed to sort you into a house, you know," it gasped, "but God, I haven't had a good smoke in ages.not since McGonagall and Hagrid started hogging all the pot around here. If you ask me, they're getting doped up in Hagrid's hut every night and shagging each other silly." The Hat had sighed mournfully. "Tell you what, Pothead," it had said suddenly, with a hungry tone in its voice. "You sit here with me for five more minutes and I'll let you choose the house you want to be in.fair?"

Happy had nodded enthusiastically, the Hat waving this way and that around his face. "My pleasure."

Happy had sat there for a good half an hour, the Hat wrapped around his face, chain smoking together and debating about the average velocity of European midget rabbits in July, before finally, reluctantly, he asked to be sorted into Trippin'dor. When he'd emerged, red eyed and stumbling, a stupid grin pasted across his face, everyone in the Great Hall had burst into applause. The Head Master had restocked Happy's supply of pot from his personal stash as a reward for his excellent achievement. A bit belatedly, the Hat had yodeled out the name "TRIPPIN'DOR!" as Happy had weaved his way towards his cheering house, each Trippin'dor student's arm waving a joint in the air until the sorting ceremony had to be postponed due to general unconsciousness.

"Hey," Con whispered suddenly, jabbing Happy in the ribs and drawing him out of his memories.

Happy blinked at his friend for a moment, slightly disoriented. In front of him, the Sorting Hat called out "HUFFLECUFF!" and a thin, mousy first year scrambled off the stool and joined the ranks of cheering Hufflecuffs. Happy reached under his robes for a joint, then sighed in irritation when he noticed that all his pockets had been emptied. He turned to his suspiciously grinning friend and barked, "What?"

Con grinned and pointed at the lightning bolt flaming on Happy's forehead. "That's bloody beautiful-how'd you do it?"

At the head table, Professor McGonagall, a thin witch with satanic symbols stitched into her robes, loudly cleared her throat.

Happy and Con looked up to find her glowering at them from afar. The two boys gave her the finger, their timing perfect after years of practice, and continued talking. At the front of the room,
the Sorting Hat bellowed "SADISIN!" and a smirking first year in tight-fitting leather clothes slunk towards the Sadisin table to the celebratory sound of whips lashing the air.

"You hear about that rumor going around?" Con whispered conspiratorially. "That Snape will be personally mentoring some sorry sod?"

"Yeah and I pity the poor bastard, whoever he is."

"I heard he's going to teach the kid the Dark Arts. Who knows what for, though. Probably to go up against You-Know-Who," Con theorized.

"Sodomort?" Happy asked, knowing it irked his friend when he said the dreaded name aloud.

"Ssh!" Con hissed.

"Sodomort Sodomort Sodomort!" Happy chanted.

"SHUT UP!" Con yelped. "Damn, you're barmy!"

Happy laughed, then chanced to look over at the Head Table, where he saw McGonagall raise her wand and mutter something.

"Hey, she's gonna cur-" Happy managed to exclaim before the spell hit him and he slammed face-forward into the table, his body tied down by invisible ropes. He heard Con shout out a retribution curse before he, too, was pitched into the tabletop.

Happy glanced at the Head Table as he heard Professor McGonagall shriek. A long, bristly white beard was sprouting from her chin despite her efforts to stop it. Happy turned back to Con and raised an eyebrow. Con grinned maliciously and winked. "There's no cure," he mouthed with a malignant smile.

Happy's mouth twisted into a grin and he wiggled his eyebrows.

At the Head Table, Professor McGonagall shot to her feet, pointed a bony finger at Con, and screamed something inarticulate. Then, she took off for the hospital ward at a run, her white beard trailing after her.

"Ah yes, well," Professor Dumb-ass-bore said as he watched her flee. "Very interesting, but not my problem, I'm sure." He faced the hall of students and smiled winningly, his wrinkles
overlapping as he spoke. "As you may know, or as you may not know, I am the Head Master here at Hogwarts. If there is any fornicating of any kind going on on the school premises, trust me, as Head Master I will know of it and I will watch as a third party and, if there is still time, I will participate in it, as well. I highly encourage all of you to shack up tonight, in fact; who cares who with. Promiscuity leads to a happy and fulfilled life.that is an important lesson I would like to teach all of you during your time at Hogwarts." He smoothed down his large, celebratory robes, which were beginning to bunch up in the front. "And now," he continued as, with a wave of his hands, vodka shots appeared in front of each student, "I would like to welcome all of you to Hogwarts School of Wizardry and Bestiality! As the man with the pointy ears-who, incidentally, graduated from Hogwarts before he decided to get into acting-says in that Muggle show: Fuck long, and prosper." Professor Dumb-ass-bore held up his hands in an obscene gesture.

"Fuck long and prosper!" the students echoed, their voices slurring as they knocked back the shots.

CHAPTER 4 : SNAPE

Happy stood at the front of the classroom sighing, wondering what his potions professor had in store for him this year.

"Hurry up, Pothead," Professor Snape hissed, circling him like a vulture above a dying animal. "Do what I told you to do. Now."

"Yes, sir," he said, bending over until he was eye-level with Snape's leather boots.

"That's `master' to you," Snape snapped, his voice quickening as Happy obeyed his instructions. Then suddenly, with one manly motion, he ripped his robes off and flung them to the side. They
landed in a heap on Sadisin student DragQueen Malfoy's desk. Malfoy stammered something, his pink feathered boa rustling against his silk negligee, then abruptly fainted into Snape's robes.

Master Snape stretched leisurely, like a cat just finished with a nap, and ran his hands along his tight, ass-hugging black leather pants. His long-sleeved shirt billowed in the wind of his students' lusty sighs. With a cord of thin leather, he tied back his oily hair in a ponytail, his gestures smooth and suggestive; several more students fainted.

"Um, Master Snape, can I get up now?" Happy asked, his face red from being upside down. "All the blood is rushing to my head."

"Excellent," Snape said in a whisper. He bent slowly and inserted his slender fingers into the mouth of his leather boot. His eyes on Happy, he straightened, drawing out a silver-handled
whip. "If you move," he whispered in Happy's right ear, "I will whip you."

Happy stood there motionless for a moment longer. Then, deliberately, with a smile pulling at the corners of his mouth, he raised his hand.

Snape's whip came whistling down on his backside and Happy let out a small shriek of pleasure.

"This," Master Snape said quietly to the panting rows of Sadisin students, "is how you use a whip effectively. To dominate. To rule. To pleasure." He drew the whip gently across Happy's face,
the thin line slithering along his flushed cheeks. Then, just as Happy began to relax into the caress, he brought it snapping back across the boy's legs. "Down," he commanded.

Happy slid to the floor immediately, as if trained, and stretched himself coyly out on the cold dungeon floor. "Each Sadisin choose a Trippin'dor partner," Master Snape instructed, voice low and soft. He ran his fingers along his whip. "Trippin'dors, get on your knees."

Grumbling, the Trippin'dor students paired up with the Sadisin students. Soon, each Sadisin stood over a Trippin'dor; the smell of leather and pot filled the air.

"I will be personally working on Pothead as a demonstration," Master Snape said with a sneer. "Do as I do." He raised his whip again with a cold smile.


CHAPTER 5 : THE PATH TO GODHOOD


As Happy inched his way towards the door, in pain but satisfied, he was stopped by a soft, commanding voice.

"Pothead," Master Snape ordered from across the room. "Come with me."

Con and Homione, both sporting whip marks across their arms and hickies on their necks, shot Happy pitying glances. "Good luck," Homione said, her tongue darting out to lick his ear. "Come and see me when you're done." She bent over to adjust her boots, giving Happy an unobstructed view of her cleavage. Con stood beside her, staring unabashedly down her shirt. "Um," he said, trying to gather his thoughts, "if Snape murders you, can I have your voodoo dolls and book of hexes?"

"If you stick a pin in the Snape doll," Happy said.

"That's a deal."

"POTHEAD!" Snape yelled from his office. There was the distinct sound of a whip lashing the air. "My office. Now."

"Well, it was nice knowing you," Con said.

Happy shot his friend a dirty look before heading for Snape's office at a run.

Master Snape was seated in a high-backed chair, smacking his whip against his palm. "Close the door," he said quietly.

Nervous, but too afraid to disobey, Happy nudged it closed.

"Sit down," Snape said, indicating a space on the floor with his foot.

Eyes fixed on the silver-handled whip, Happy sat at Master Snape's feet.

"I am going to mentor you in the Dark Arts and teach you how to pleasure Sodomort," Snape said after a brief silence. He glared at Happy as if waiting for him to protest.

Happy's mouth opened in shock. "What?"

"And starting from now," Snape said in a low, seductive voice, "you will speak only when spoken to. Understand?"

Happy frowned. "Like hell you're going to mentor me!"

Snape's eyes glittered coldly in the dim light of the dungeon. Slowly, he uncoiled his whip, leaned forward, and draped it around Happy's shoulders. "I am going to teach you more than you deserve to know," he whispered, his mouth centimeters from Happy's ear. "Under my instruction, you will become a Sex God."

Happy felt Snape's hot breath against his cheek and closed his eyes. He had to resist the urge to jump his professor right there on the dungeon floor. If Snape's plan had been to seduce Happy, he was doing a damn good job.

"Meet me at the Whomping Dildo at midnight," Snape said, shifting so that his lips were almost touching Happy's. Just as Happy leaned forward to close the distance, Snape pulled back, a
sneer on his face. "You see how easy it is to manipulate someone, Pothead?" he asked, settling back into his chair. He laughed cruelly at the flushed, disgruntled look on Happy's face. "I will teach you this and so much more, even though you don't deserve the knowledge." He untied the cord that bound his long, greasy hair in a ponytail. "You are going to seduce Sodomort," he continued, running his fingers through his hair. "And then, you are going to kill him."

Happy frowned and took a joint out of his pocket. "Weren't you one of Sodomort's SexFeeders?"

Snape turned a look of such hatred and anger on Happy that the boy flinched. "Midnight tonight," he said through gritted teeth, ignoring Happy's question. "Beneath the Whomping Dildo. Wear a
thong and bring a whip and handcuffs. Now, get out of my office."

Happy scrambled to his feet and reached the door in four leaps, only too glad to be leaving.


CHAPTER 6 : THE FIRST LESSON


Happy Pothead walked across the open field, his shadow falling across the grass. The handcuffs clanked together loudly in the silence and the whip slapped his thighs as if reminding him of
the lesson to come. Every other step he took, he reached down to pull out a wedgie.

The Whomping Dildo was easy to find; it thrust out of the earth like an abnormal, pudgy stilt in the dirt. Happy leaned back to get a proper look at how large it was-he estimated that it was about the height of a medium-sized tree. He sighed wistfully.

"Get down here and quit coveting what you're never going to have," Snape's voice hissed through the darkness.

Happy whirled to see Snape kneeling on the ground with several unidentifiable objects. Curiously, he moved closer for a better look. "What're all those for?" he asked with growing trepidation. Many of the objects were very sharp and pointed and Happy was not very thrilled about the idea of having any of them shoved up undesirable places in his body.

Instead of soothing Happy's fears, Snape only made them worse by smiling nastily. "I think we'll start with this one," he said contemplatively, holding up what seemed to Happy to be a medieval
weapon of excruciating death. "When I'm through with you, Pothead, you will be familiar with all of these sex toys. Sodomort and his SexFeeders use them constantly in their rituals."

Happy nodded and gulped.

"Did you bring the handcuffs like I asked?"

Happy handed them over, knowing what would most likely happen next. Snape twirled them around one finger as he stared at the Whomping Dildo. Then, without much ceremony, he grabbed Happy by the shoulders and shoved him towards the tree-like Dildo. As Happy started to protest, Snape hexed him so that he could no longer speak. "Much better," the professor said with a sneer. He seized Happy's wrists and handcuffed the boy to the Dildo, his arms linking around it in a hug.

"Hold still now, Pothead, and pay attention. I will only go over each of these toys once, so you had better listen carefully and try not to scream too much."

Happy squeezed his eyes shut, bit his lip, and braced himself.


CHAPTER 7 : SODOMORT


-6 months later-

Sodomort stared into the mirror as he applied lipstick and mascara. Tonight was very important. Tonight, he was going to murder the one who had betrayed him. It had taken him nearly a year's worth of preparations, but finally, he was ready.

"Tonight, vengeance," he murmured, his voice high. "Tomorrow, world domination."

Sodomort slipped into a long-sleeved silk dress and gestured to one of his followers. "I'm in the mood for music and stripping. Bring me Malfoy."

The servant bowed deeply, then hurried from the room.


CHAPTER 8 : GRADUATION EARTH


A small group of hooded figures gathered around the Whomping Dildo, their arms outstretched and their fingertips touching. As one, they knelt and began to chant.

Happy watched them bow forward, rise up, then dip down again, their foreheads almost impacting against the dildo. He was dressed in his formal leather outfit, the pliable material dyed black and
blood red. Beneath that skin-tight outfit he wore only a thong with a joint tucked inside the band for safekeeping.

Master Snape, or, rather, Master Sadi as Happy now called him, was standing next to his pupil. He, too, was dressed in his formal leather, but, unlike his student, his outfit was entirely black. His favorite silver-handled whip hung at his side, ready for action at a moment's notice. His lips curled into a sneer as he watched the chanters ask the devil for stamina and virility.

"Congratulations, Happy," a voice said behind them. It was followed by a loud warble.

"Head Master Dumb-ass-bore!" Happy said, grinning. "And Fuks! I didn't know you two were coming to the ceremony."

"Oh, I like to see when students succeed. And besides, Fuks here wanted to get out of the castle for awhile." He smiled affectionately at the phoenix perched on his shoulder. He turned to Snape. "So, Sadi, are you going to miss Happy now that we're about to send him off into the arms of Sodomort?"

"No!" Snape crossed his arms and snarled. "Why should I?"

"Well, he *is* your pupil," Albus said. "And he knows as much as you do now about domination, subservience, sadomasochism, sodomy, and sex toys."

"He's a fast learner," Snape said grudgingly, loathe to give praise.

Albus smiled knowingly. He knew Snape had done more than just *talk* Happy through the lessons; he knew they'd both participated in a very hands-on way and had probably seen and touched more of each other than their own parents had.

Suddenly, amidst the loud chanting came blood-curdling screams. Snape and Happy exchanged excited looks and launched themselves into the chaos of struggling bodies, drawing their whips
as they ran. Albus and Fuks stood there together, watching the confusion of cultists and SexFeeders clashing before the Whomping Dildo. Just as Fuks began to delicately run his golden talons down Albus' neck, a signal that he wanted to return to their bedchambers for a night of wanton sex, a fireball came hurtling towards them. Dumb-ass-bore barely managed to shout a counter-curse in time.

As the Head Master and his phoenix stood there recovering, a tall figure separated itself from the tangle of fighting people below and came towards them.

"Time to die, Albus," Sodomort said as he pointed his wand at the man and his bird. A smile lifted the corners of his lips. "AVADA KEDAVRA!"

"Oh SHIT!" was the last thing Albus Dumb-ass-bore said before the killing curse hit him and he fell backwards, dead.

Fuks screamed and swooped into the sky, trying to get away. Sodomort whirled on the phoenix, eyes blackening with hatred. "You!" he yelled. "It was your fault! Get back here, you fucking bird!"

Fuks only flapped harder as he made for the sanctuary of Hogwarts castle.

Sodomort screamed with rage and started to run after the phoenix when something hard and thin wrapped itself around his leg. He fell to the ground.

"Going somewhere?" Happy asked, staring down at him.

"This doesn't concern you, boy. Get out of my way." Sodomort unraveled himself and flung the whip back at Happy.

"Oh, I think it does concern me. You did, after all, just kill my Head Master. Not to mention." he paused dramatically, "my parents."

Sodomort raised his eyebrows quizzically. "I did not!"

"Oh." Happy frowned, confused. "You didn't?"

"NO!"

"Oh.I'm sorry.for some reason, I always thought you had. Huh, strange, isn't it? But I still do have to exact my vengeance for Professor Dumb-ass-bore."

"Don't meddle in matters that you don't understand," Sodomort said in a dangerous tone.

"What is there to understand? You fried an old man and then you tried to go after his pet bird. Besides, I've spent six months training to destroy you. Unfortunately, none of those methods
actually involved anything aside from sex.I guess I could try to kill you with a sex toy." Happy stared at his whip doubtfully. "Don't suppose you'd let me whip you to death, would you?"

Sodomort covered the ground between them in two strides and had his hands wrapped around Happy's neck before the latter could even utter a yell.

A high-pitched shriek sounded from the direction of Hogwarts castle, followed by the noise of hundreds of people running.

Using the momentary distraction to his advantage, Happy reached out and tried to grab Sodomort by the balls. Unfortunately for him, Sodomort didn't have balls. Eyes wide, face turning blue, Happy reached up and pressed his hands against Sodomort's chest. Had he not been so pressed for air, Happy would have gasped. Sodomort was not the transvestite Happy had taken him for.

Sodomort released his-her-grasp on Happy's neck. "So you know my secret now," he-she-said.

"No," Happy choked out. "I'm confused now."

"Idiot," Sodomort seethed. "I'm a woman pretending to be a man, pretending to be a woman!"

Happy blinked. "Oh and that just made it all clear."

Sodomort sighed and threw her hands up in the air. "Didn't you ever see "Victor Victoria"?"

"Huh? Vicky who?"

"You know, there's a reason people say smoking pot is bad for you," Sodomort muttered to herself. She sighed and watched as rioting students came over the hill, led by Fuks. "You should have let me fry the little bastard," she said to Happy. "Now look what he's stirred up."

Fuks circled above them triumphantly, his phoenix song ringing clearly over the clamor.

Snape looked up from where he was handcuffing two SexFeeders to the Dildo. He pouted as he realized the students were rioting; if he had to play teacher, he couldn't have any fun with the two
handcuffed men.

"Fucking Fuks," he said, shooting a murderous glance at the soaring phoenix.

Back on the other side of the Dildo, Happy and Sodomort were still engaged in conversation.

"Wait," Happy said as he watched the mad students come closer and closer, "so you're saying you and Professor Dumb-ass-bore were lovers, but that Fuks came between you? That he left *you* for *Fuks*?"

"Yes," Sodomort sniffled. She shot a fire bolt into the crowd of students and felt a little better when ten of them went up in flame. "Fuks wanted Albus all to himself. I was willing to
share, but he wasn't."

"So...then you decided to become someone else. Sodomort. Right? A...a woman...pretending to be a man...who is pretending to be a woman. A disguise so impenetrable that it would give you time to wreak vengeance on Fuks and Dumb-ass-bore. Right?"

"Yes, just like "Victor Victoria." Well, sort of."

"Okay. You realize, though, that this changes nothing. I still have to kill you."

"Yeah, no problem. Just wait a minute and let me take care of something first."

"Sure."

Sodomort took careful aim at Fuks, who was swooping low over their heads.

Just then, Professor McGonagall arrived, her long white beard slick with Epil-stop. "What is the meaning of this, Pothead?" she demanded.

And that's when it happened.

Sodomort raised her wand and screamed "AVADA KEDAVRA!" at Fuks, who turned sharply at the last moment, the blast reflecting off his golden tail feathers to dive towards Snape, who, in the middle of orgasm with one of the SexFeeders, had sense enough to leap behind the Dildo. The killing curse bounced off the Dildo like rubber and headed for McGonagall, who stood stiff as a board, quivering in terror. Her long white beard, soggy with Epil-stop hair remover, took the force of the killing curse. There was a slight explosion as the chemicals on her beard reacted with the potent magic of the spell, and then suddenly, the world gave a final, wrenching shudder. The combustible combination of Epil-stop hair remover and the Avada Kedavra curse was too much for it to take at once and, without another word, it imploded, taking Happy Pothead, Sadistic Snape, Sodomort, Fuks, the SexFeeders, and everyone else on the planet with it.


END